Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:48,817 --> 00:00:52,838
Subrip:
Pix
2
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:24,051
Hey, sir... Come back!
3
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:40,498
Wait!
4
00:01:56,248 --> 00:01:58,151
I've gotta get out of here.
5
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,052
Boo, boo, boo,
hey, hey, hey.
6
00:02:00,085 --> 00:02:02,956
-Girl, you got that list of questions?
-Yes.
7
00:02:02,987 --> 00:02:06,125
I think I have
everything that I need.
8
00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:07,959
Be happy you ain't
got this chlamydia.
9
00:02:07,993 --> 00:02:09,829
Girl, I tried
to take a piss earlier.
10
00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:12,290
It was like there was
an angry dragon inside
11
00:02:12,292 --> 00:02:14,467
my snatch, like some
Game of Thrones shit!
12
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:16,770
That's terrible, Kateesha.
13
00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:19,405
I can't help it when a
tall, athletic brother
14
00:02:19,437 --> 00:02:21,540
come pushing up
on this thickness.
15
00:02:21,573 --> 00:02:24,009
Yeah... Shit.
16
00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:28,114
God, girl, I thank God
every motherfuckin' day
17
00:02:28,146 --> 00:02:31,251
that the Supersonics
moved to Oklahoma... Shit.
18
00:02:31,283 --> 00:02:37,156
Okay, um, I'm gonna go so I won't
be late for your interview.
19
00:02:37,189 --> 00:02:39,091
What the fuck
are you wearing, girl?
20
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:43,496
There ain't no camouflage, no
fishnets and no fluorescent colors.
21
00:02:43,528 --> 00:02:45,730
How they gonna see
you in the dark, bitch?
22
00:02:45,731 --> 00:02:46,832
How they gonna see you?
23
00:02:46,865 --> 00:02:48,300
I gotta go.
24
00:03:12,324 --> 00:03:13,992
So big.
25
00:03:34,379 --> 00:03:35,647
I'm sorry.
26
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,884
If you're looking for the homeless
shelter, it's two doors down.
27
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,586
No, I'm...
I'm Hannah Steale.
28
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:43,622
I'm here to...
To see Mr. Black.
29
00:03:43,656 --> 00:03:45,625
The college bitch.
30
00:03:45,656 --> 00:03:47,742
May I take your coat?
31
00:03:47,743 --> 00:03:49,829
Yes, please. Thank you.
32
00:03:50,629 --> 00:03:52,331
Ew.
33
00:03:53,665 --> 00:03:55,300
Follow me.
34
00:03:58,002 --> 00:04:01,205
In case you're wondering, I'm the hot
secretary who's fucking the boss,
35
00:04:01,239 --> 00:04:03,108
which means there's no room
for the dopey intern
36
00:04:03,141 --> 00:04:05,177
with the damaged hair
and the cankles.
37
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,615
Come here.
38
00:04:12,617 --> 00:04:15,921
That's the smell of his balls after
lunch and two games of racquetball.
39
00:04:18,923 --> 00:04:20,660
Have a nice day,
Miss Steale.
40
00:04:20,692 --> 00:04:22,862
Plain-ass bitch.
41
00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:42,148
My leg.
42
00:04:46,250 --> 00:04:47,887
You.
43
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:54,026
Shit!
44
00:05:00,699 --> 00:05:02,968
I guess
I should've tried pulling.
45
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,437
Miss Kavahellnah.
Christian Black.
46
00:05:06,571 --> 00:05:08,122
Are you okay?
47
00:05:08,124 --> 00:05:09,675
Um, I think so, yeah.
48
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:13,045
Good, 'cause you
got fucked up!
49
00:05:13,077 --> 00:05:15,247
You hit that statue
like a hard-charging rhino.
50
00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,548
I say rhino because you're a
lot fatter than I thought,
51
00:05:17,582 --> 00:05:20,252
and you got this bump on your
nose that resembles a small horn.
52
00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:22,387
-Um...
-May wanna get that squeezed.
53
00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:24,490
-Okay.
-A little Proactiv on that.
54
00:05:24,523 --> 00:05:26,024
I'm... I'm not
Miss Kavahellnah.
55
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,526
You ain't Miss Kavahellnah?
56
00:05:27,559 --> 00:05:29,127
Who the fuck are you?
57
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,696
My name is Hannah Steale.
58
00:05:30,728 --> 00:05:34,199
I'm studying literature with
Kateesha at the university.
59
00:05:34,231 --> 00:05:38,502
Please, have a seat.
60
00:05:38,536 --> 00:05:40,173
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
61
00:05:56,321 --> 00:05:57,523
No.
62
00:05:59,191 --> 00:06:01,593
No.
So, what do you want?
63
00:06:01,625 --> 00:06:03,995
Jesus Christ!
Just spit it out!
64
00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:06,298
A pencil.
65
00:06:06,331 --> 00:06:09,435
"A pencil." Should've just
said that in the beginning.
66
00:06:09,466 --> 00:06:11,737
Gosh. Here, take 'em.
67
00:06:11,769 --> 00:06:13,072
Jesus!
68
00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:14,374
Thank you.
69
00:06:14,406 --> 00:06:16,375
You gotta get your shit
together, Miss Steale.
70
00:06:17,776 --> 00:06:19,411
Shit.
71
00:06:19,444 --> 00:06:22,581
These are
Kateesha's questions. Okay?
72
00:06:25,216 --> 00:06:27,519
"You have mad stacks of cash.
73
00:06:28,519 --> 00:06:31,124
How'd you get it,
and can I get some?"
74
00:06:31,156 --> 00:06:33,759
Miss Steale.
75
00:06:33,792 --> 00:06:37,228
I got my money the way most
black entrepreneurs got theirs.
76
00:06:37,262 --> 00:06:39,663
-Real estate?
-Drug dealing.
77
00:06:39,697 --> 00:06:43,802
See, you have to know your
business inside and out.
78
00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:46,471
I smoked crack.
Not for long.
79
00:06:46,504 --> 00:06:49,341
But just long enough to know
what a penis tastes like.
80
00:06:50,475 --> 00:06:53,545
Tastes like
raw rump roast.
81
00:06:53,577 --> 00:06:55,312
Ew.
82
00:06:55,346 --> 00:06:58,617
I got all ashy, like E.T.
when he was sick in the river.
83
00:06:58,649 --> 00:07:02,187
I lost
six essential teeth.
84
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:05,656
Have you ever tried
to eat steak with one molar?
85
00:07:05,690 --> 00:07:08,161
No. Why would I do that?
86
00:07:08,192 --> 00:07:10,595
Gnaw and suck.
87
00:07:10,627 --> 00:07:13,665
Gnaw and suck.
It's hard.
88
00:07:13,697 --> 00:07:16,500
Um, could be
that you're lucky.
89
00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:20,172
No. Keanu Reeves is lucky.
90
00:07:20,204 --> 00:07:22,841
Flo Rida is lucky.
91
00:07:22,874 --> 00:07:25,543
Iggy Azalea is lucky.
92
00:07:25,577 --> 00:07:27,512
Yeah, he's lucky.
93
00:07:27,545 --> 00:07:29,415
Next question.
94
00:07:29,447 --> 00:07:33,685
"Is you gay, or is you
gay as a motherfucker?"
95
00:07:33,718 --> 00:07:38,191
Just because you touch a penis
doesn't mean you're gay.
96
00:07:38,223 --> 00:07:40,593
Especially if it's
for money or crack.
97
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:45,130
You're only gay
if you enjoy touching penis.
98
00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:48,100
You touch a penis with attitude
like, "I don't really like this."
99
00:07:48,132 --> 00:07:50,636
That ain't gay.
It's just exploratory.
100
00:07:51,870 --> 00:07:53,704
You said
you're an English major.
101
00:07:53,738 --> 00:07:56,375
Was it Chaucer,
Shelley or Keats
102
00:07:56,406 --> 00:07:58,244
that first made you fall
in love with literature?
103
00:07:58,276 --> 00:07:59,512
It was Seuss.
104
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:00,745
Seuss!
105
00:08:00,778 --> 00:08:02,480
Cat in the Hat.
Thing 1 and...
106
00:08:02,514 --> 00:08:04,083
Thing 2!
107
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,651
I mean,
who doesn't wanna be them?
108
00:08:05,684 --> 00:08:09,187
Me and my brother were Thing 1 and
Thing 2 for Halloween this year.
109
00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:10,221
Really?
110
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,223
Yeah. Check this out.
111
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:14,725
My God, look at both of you!
112
00:08:14,759 --> 00:08:16,728
We called 'em
Thang 1 and Thang 2.
113
00:08:18,696 --> 00:08:20,332
That's amazing.
114
00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:22,050
What if I wanted
to hire you?
115
00:08:22,052 --> 00:08:23,735
I don't... I don't know.
116
00:08:23,768 --> 00:08:29,240
I... I see the way the women dress
around here. I don't exactly fit in.
117
00:08:29,274 --> 00:08:31,343
You know, despite
the Salvation Army sweater,
118
00:08:31,375 --> 00:08:34,647
the greasy weaves
and your big ol' Usher nose,
119
00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:37,350
there's something
oddly attractive about you.
120
00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:39,451
Yeah, you're like
the little ugly runt
121
00:08:39,484 --> 00:08:41,453
in a litter
full of pretty puppies,
122
00:08:41,485 --> 00:08:43,687
the little ugly one
that nobody wants to touch.
123
00:08:43,721 --> 00:08:47,359
You're all hairless and
big-eyed and wild-looking.
124
00:08:47,393 --> 00:08:50,196
But you just wanna take you
home and give you love
125
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:52,364
or stuff you in a sack
with a bunch of rocks
126
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:54,272
and just toss your
ugly ass at the bottom
127
00:08:54,273 --> 00:08:56,235
of the ocean, just put
you out your misery.
128
00:08:56,768 --> 00:08:59,239
Okay.
129
00:09:01,639 --> 00:09:03,174
Thank you, Mr. Black.
130
00:09:03,208 --> 00:09:05,644
Please, call me Christian.
131
00:09:05,677 --> 00:09:07,479
Christian.
132
00:09:07,513 --> 00:09:09,481
I hope I answered
all your questions.
133
00:09:09,514 --> 00:09:11,518
You certainly did.
134
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,821
-Hannah.
-Christian.
135
00:09:15,854 --> 00:09:18,725
Shit! God!
136
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,662
Jesus Christ!
137
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,429
God, make it stop!
138
00:09:28,432 --> 00:09:30,869
White girls,
get that elevator fixed.
139
00:09:32,770 --> 00:09:34,306
Hannah!
140
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:37,309
So, how was he?
141
00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:40,645
Um, he was
all right, I guess.
142
00:09:40,677 --> 00:09:44,316
Shit! You fucked him, girl!
I knew that shit!
143
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:47,220
Yeah, girl, get that dick, girl!
Get that dick!
144
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,821
What?
Get that dick!
145
00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:50,655
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
146
00:09:50,688 --> 00:09:53,960
Take it to town, motherfucker.
Get that dick! Yeah!
147
00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:57,429
Yeah!
Shit, girl, yeah!
148
00:09:57,462 --> 00:09:59,698
-So, did he have a big dick?
-What?
149
00:09:59,730 --> 00:10:01,966
Girl,
was it like real skinny, girl?
150
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,942
Or was it like real long,
like skinny-long?
151
00:10:03,942 --> 00:10:05,236
'Cause that's fucking weird.
152
00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:06,905
But, like,
short and thick, girl...
153
00:10:06,938 --> 00:10:08,707
I can get down
with that short, fat dick.
154
00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:11,475
No, there is... there's
no... there's no dick.
155
00:10:11,509 --> 00:10:14,312
Remember what I told you, okay?
156
00:10:14,345 --> 00:10:16,434
If it's got red zit-like
things on the head
157
00:10:16,436 --> 00:10:18,383
of that shit, you
put that in your butt.
158
00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:21,953
He gon' be like, "Girl,
no, it's just skin tags."
159
00:10:21,985 --> 00:10:24,588
"Bitch, you got 47 skin tags
on your dick?
160
00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:27,525
I ain't falling for that shit.
Again. Okay?"
161
00:10:27,557 --> 00:10:32,364
But you gotta admit, girl,
he is bangin'!
162
00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:35,467
Yeah, I guess if you're
into the wildly successful,
163
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:37,869
super-handsome,
possibly dangerous thing,
164
00:10:37,902 --> 00:10:39,903
then Christian Black
is your guy.
165
00:10:39,937 --> 00:10:42,573
Bitch, I'm talkin'
'bout Lil Weezy!
166
00:10:42,607 --> 00:10:45,543
Girl!
He got tats on his tats!
167
00:10:45,576 --> 00:10:47,611
And he ain't afraid
to get a bitch pregnant.
168
00:10:47,645 --> 00:10:51,049
Let you keep the baby
and everythin'.
169
00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:53,585
-You gon' eat that?
-Um...
170
00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:58,790
I wish I could find a man
the size of this to satisfy me.
171
00:11:00,458 --> 00:11:02,729
This shit
better be gluten-free.
172
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:37,897
Mr. Black.
173
00:11:37,929 --> 00:11:39,931
God.
174
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:42,801
God. Christian.
175
00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:56,316
My God.
You know what I want to do?!
176
00:12:18,102 --> 00:12:19,105
Hi.
177
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,105
What the fuck?
178
00:12:20,138 --> 00:12:22,107
What a pleasant surprise,
Miss Steale.
179
00:12:22,140 --> 00:12:24,476
Please, call me Hannah.
180
00:12:24,509 --> 00:12:26,009
Okay, Miss Steale.
181
00:12:26,043 --> 00:12:29,080
I was just in the area and
wanted to pick up a few items.
182
00:12:29,114 --> 00:12:31,950
Um, are you stalking me,
Mr. Black?
183
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:34,619
Yes.
184
00:12:36,153 --> 00:12:38,124
I mean, unless you
don't want me to.
185
00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:40,893
You do want me to,
don't you?
186
00:12:42,594 --> 00:12:44,429
Just something
to think about.
187
00:12:45,163 --> 00:12:48,133
Um, can I help you
with something?
188
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,036
Yes. I would like to pick up
some cable ties and some tape.
189
00:12:51,068 --> 00:12:53,605
Well, you're in luck. We got
some cable ties right here.
190
00:12:53,638 --> 00:12:54,706
What color do you want?
191
00:12:54,706 --> 00:12:55,774
Red.
192
00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:59,610
The color of passion.
193
00:12:59,644 --> 00:13:01,614
The tape is this way.
Follow me.
194
00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:10,155
If I didn't know better, I might
mistake you for a serial killer.
195
00:13:10,188 --> 00:13:12,057
Don't be ridiculous.
196
00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:15,160
If I was a serial killer,
I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,
197
00:13:15,193 --> 00:13:17,163
chlorophyll, wood chipper,
plastic sheets
198
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:19,864
and three large boxes
of space Pampers.
199
00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:21,767
And a shovel.
200
00:13:21,799 --> 00:13:23,869
Second thought,
201
00:13:23,902 --> 00:13:26,772
I think I need to pick up
a few more items.
202
00:13:26,804 --> 00:13:29,642
Well, looks like
you're all set now.
203
00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:31,510
Thank you, Miss Steale.
204
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:36,481
Hey, if your roommate needs
a photo to go with the story,
205
00:13:36,514 --> 00:13:40,485
I'll be around tomorrow and the
next day and the day after that.
206
00:13:40,518 --> 00:13:42,519
I'm actually around
all next week.
207
00:13:42,552 --> 00:13:45,023
Here. Just contact me.
208
00:13:46,157 --> 00:13:48,527
"Christian Black.
209
00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:52,597
I'm not a bidness-man,
I'm a bidness... man."
210
00:13:53,698 --> 00:13:56,034
Thank you so much
for your help, Miss Steale.
211
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:58,537
Let me know when those space
Pampers come in, okay?
212
00:13:58,570 --> 00:14:01,474
Save me three boxes.
Got a long drive ahead of me.
213
00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:04,643
Bye! I'm gonna call you.
214
00:14:11,015 --> 00:14:12,618
-Jesse!
-Hey.
215
00:14:12,650 --> 00:14:14,753
Thank you so much
for doing this last minute.
216
00:14:14,785 --> 00:14:17,556
Hannah, listen.
You are my best friend, okay?
217
00:14:17,588 --> 00:14:19,124
You know I'd do anything
for you, right?
218
00:14:19,157 --> 00:14:20,893
Yeah.
219
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:23,495
-I'd really love a hand job though.
-What?
220
00:14:23,528 --> 00:14:26,096
I said, I really love this job.
It's amazing.
221
00:14:26,129 --> 00:14:27,764
My God.
Get in here.
222
00:14:27,798 --> 00:14:29,533
Later I wanna hit it.
223
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:32,870
I... Um, I-I didn't catch
the last thing.
224
00:14:32,903 --> 00:14:35,072
I said,
later I wanna hit the bar.
225
00:14:35,105 --> 00:14:36,740
Come on, Hannah.
226
00:14:36,774 --> 00:14:38,109
It's what platonic friends do.
You know?
227
00:14:38,143 --> 00:14:40,778
Grab a beer, right?
Then you make out and have sex
228
00:14:40,811 --> 00:14:43,581
until we question the status
of our friendship, you know?
229
00:14:43,614 --> 00:14:45,082
I guess.
230
00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,551
Yeah. Come here.
231
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:48,253
Hannah!
232
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:50,255
Did you just kiss me
on my lips?
233
00:14:50,288 --> 00:14:53,057
-Wait. I thought that...
-No. Listen. Let's get one thing clear.
234
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:55,070
We are just friends.
Don't make it weird.
235
00:14:55,071 --> 00:14:56,061
No, I thought...
236
00:14:56,094 --> 00:14:58,563
-It's okay. I'll fuck you later.
-Wait. What?
237
00:14:58,596 --> 00:15:00,865
I said, I'll see you later.
238
00:15:00,898 --> 00:15:02,868
Geez.
239
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,537
Just go ahead.
240
00:15:06,938 --> 00:15:08,774
Pow! Pow!
241
00:15:09,706 --> 00:15:11,609
Girl, he's Santa.
242
00:15:11,643 --> 00:15:14,547
You like some real fear-type
shit right now, girl.
243
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:18,283
He look like Marky Mark after he left
the Funky Bunch and started acting.
244
00:15:18,316 --> 00:15:19,951
All right, give me a smile.
245
00:15:19,984 --> 00:15:21,619
Cheese.
246
00:15:21,652 --> 00:15:23,821
All right, don't ever
fucking smile again. Okay?
247
00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:26,658
He asked me to go to coffee
with him after the shoot.
248
00:15:26,691 --> 00:15:28,594
Girl, that's cute!
249
00:15:28,626 --> 00:15:32,230
Last time I went to coffee, I got
eaten out outside a McDonalds.
250
00:15:32,263 --> 00:15:35,033
That McCafe menu
got a girl gushin'.
251
00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:37,601
All right,
let's break the Internet.
252
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,211
Eat.
253
00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:50,114
I'm not your dog. You
can't tell me what to do.
254
00:15:50,148 --> 00:15:54,586
You're right. If you were
my dog, I would do this.
255
00:15:54,619 --> 00:15:56,989
Bad girl!
Bad, bad, bad girl!
256
00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:02,427
So tell me
about your family.
257
00:16:02,427 --> 00:16:04,028
Well...
258
00:16:04,061 --> 00:16:07,799
My dad left me
when I was two years old,
259
00:16:07,831 --> 00:16:10,067
so I was mostly raised
by my stepdad, Ron.
260
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:13,870
That is painfully uninteresting.
261
00:16:13,903 --> 00:16:15,490
How about your mother?
262
00:16:15,490 --> 00:16:17,075
She's been married
eight times.
263
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:18,943
She's an incurable romantic.
264
00:16:18,975 --> 00:16:20,477
Are you a romantic?
265
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,980
Um, I guess.
266
00:16:22,013 --> 00:16:24,249
I mean, I like long walks
on the beach.
267
00:16:24,282 --> 00:16:26,085
I like baby talk.
I like to cuddle.
268
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:28,152
And I love
Nicholas Sparks movies.
269
00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:29,571
Even the one
with Miley Cyrus?
270
00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:30,955
That's my favorite one.
271
00:16:30,989 --> 00:16:32,357
Bitch, I'm out.
272
00:16:36,794 --> 00:16:38,630
-Cheers.
-Yeah.
273
00:16:40,931 --> 00:16:43,801
That taste like
a white boy on spring break.
274
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:46,270
I hate him.
I'm gonna call him.
275
00:16:46,302 --> 00:16:48,206
-You want another drink?
-Yes.
276
00:16:48,239 --> 00:16:50,341
Drink to forget.
277
00:16:50,374 --> 00:16:52,976
Yeah. Yeah.
278
00:16:53,009 --> 00:16:54,913
Yeah.
279
00:16:55,746 --> 00:16:58,216
That tastes horrible.
280
00:16:58,249 --> 00:17:02,988
The Molly must not be crushed up all
the way. Let me fix it for you.
281
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:04,440
I gotta go
to the bathroom.
282
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:05,857
You gotta what?
283
00:17:05,890 --> 00:17:09,193
I gotta go
to the ladies room.
284
00:17:09,226 --> 00:17:11,729
I have to take a shit!
285
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:20,905
Hannah, you feeling all right?
A little woozy perhaps?
286
00:17:20,938 --> 00:17:22,039
Unable to make
good decisions?
287
00:17:22,073 --> 00:17:25,042
We should take it to the
next level and suck my dick.
288
00:17:25,076 --> 00:17:28,380
Take it to the next level,
you stop feeling sick. Okay?
289
00:17:28,413 --> 00:17:31,150
My God.
You are my bestest friend.
290
00:17:31,182 --> 00:17:33,018
Yes. With benefits.
291
00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:35,887
Fuck my mouth
with your fingers.
292
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,422
Fuck!
293
00:17:37,454 --> 00:17:39,692
I'm never
gonna get none.
294
00:17:41,291 --> 00:17:42,894
I'll fuck you.
295
00:17:42,926 --> 00:17:44,862
I ain't gonna like it,
but I'll do it.
296
00:17:44,895 --> 00:17:46,897
Listen, I don't fuck
white girls, okay?
297
00:17:46,898 --> 00:17:48,233
Nigga, who you callin' white?
298
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,672
She just call me
the "N" word?
299
00:17:53,838 --> 00:17:55,807
That kinda
turned me on.
300
00:17:56,807 --> 00:17:58,277
Call me "nigga" again.
301
00:18:12,757 --> 00:18:14,325
Well, hello there.
302
00:18:14,358 --> 00:18:16,294
Yeah, this is Hannah.
303
00:18:16,327 --> 00:18:18,297
Hannah, are you wasted?
304
00:18:18,329 --> 00:18:20,964
Yes, I am wasted,
you hole-ass.
305
00:18:20,998 --> 00:18:24,769
You are "might" on the "roney,"
you penis-suck of yours.
306
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:26,471
You sound like Yoda.
307
00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:28,940
Listen, I want you
to go home right now.
308
00:18:28,973 --> 00:18:31,030
Don't tell me what to do,
309
00:18:31,031 --> 00:18:35,146
Mr. "-Let's-Go-For-Coffee-
No-Stay-Away-From-Me."
310
00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:37,849
Let me put this in words
you can understand.
311
00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:40,884
Now right home you go.
312
00:18:40,917 --> 00:18:42,353
No!
313
00:18:42,386 --> 00:18:44,255
I told him.
314
00:18:44,288 --> 00:18:46,858
Bitch,
you smell like shit.
315
00:18:55,866 --> 00:18:59,403
Hannah. Hannah, hey, it's cold out
here. You can't come out like that.
316
00:18:59,435 --> 00:19:01,071
Thank you.
317
00:19:01,105 --> 00:19:02,657
How you feelin'?
318
00:19:02,659 --> 00:19:04,209
Just a little bit drunk.
319
00:19:04,241 --> 00:19:06,545
Are you like Donald Trump
running for president drunk?
320
00:19:06,577 --> 00:19:08,958
Or like Donald Trump saying
he don't like mexicans drunk?
321
00:19:08,959 --> 00:19:10,147
'Cause that's some crazy shit.
322
00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:12,550
A lot of Mexicans out there just
crossing the border and shit.
323
00:19:12,583 --> 00:19:15,820
Show them niggas love!
Show them niggas love!
324
00:19:15,853 --> 00:19:16,988
Can I show you some love?
325
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,122
What? No!
326
00:19:18,155 --> 00:19:19,490
Come on. Come on!
327
00:19:19,522 --> 00:19:23,127
Just one kiss, man! I don't know
when you gonna be this drunk again.
328
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,511
Come on. Give me that kiss!
329
00:19:24,512 --> 00:19:25,863
No. No.
330
00:19:25,896 --> 00:19:27,449
Stop!
331
00:19:27,450 --> 00:19:29,000
She said no!
332
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:31,836
Christian!
333
00:19:31,868 --> 00:19:33,237
You just push me, nigga?
334
00:19:33,270 --> 00:19:35,574
You got some crazy shit
comin', boy.
335
00:19:35,606 --> 00:19:38,309
-Wait. Hold up. This nigga comin' ba...
-Comin' to you, nigga.
336
00:19:38,342 --> 00:19:39,877
He comin' back!
337
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:41,880
Damn!
338
00:19:44,982 --> 00:19:47,219
Christian, stay down!
339
00:19:47,251 --> 00:19:48,953
Okay. Okay.
340
00:19:48,986 --> 00:19:52,022
The nigga's a ninja!
This nigga's a ninja...
341
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:54,425
WorldStar!
Bitch.
342
00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:57,796
He had such a beautiful face.
343
00:19:58,329 --> 00:19:59,564
Did he leave?
344
00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:01,299
You better run!
345
00:20:01,332 --> 00:20:02,967
I don't feel
so good, Christian.
346
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,602
Come on. Let's get you home.
347
00:20:04,635 --> 00:20:10,142
No, I can't with you because,
um, my roommate is in there.
348
00:20:10,174 --> 00:20:13,544
Don't worry.
She's being well taken care of.
349
00:20:13,577 --> 00:20:15,314
What's your name again?
350
00:20:15,346 --> 00:20:17,449
My name is Eli.
351
00:20:17,481 --> 00:20:19,916
My friends call me Weekday.
352
00:20:19,951 --> 00:20:21,586
I'm Christian's brother.
353
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,089
The poor one.
354
00:20:28,592 --> 00:20:30,595
I know
what you're saying.
355
00:20:30,627 --> 00:20:33,432
"He's financially poor,
356
00:20:33,464 --> 00:20:35,933
yet spiritually rich."
357
00:20:35,965 --> 00:20:38,336
Nah, that don't count.
358
00:20:38,368 --> 00:20:40,503
What do you feel?
359
00:20:40,538 --> 00:20:42,022
What do you feel?
360
00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:43,508
My God.
361
00:20:43,540 --> 00:20:45,376
When does that end?
362
00:20:45,409 --> 00:20:47,612
My God!
363
00:20:47,645 --> 00:20:52,017
The weight of my penis makes my
money too heavy to carry around.
364
00:20:52,049 --> 00:20:53,317
Yes!
365
00:20:53,349 --> 00:20:56,020
I see you later on.
366
00:20:56,052 --> 00:20:57,888
Until we meet again.
367
00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:00,959
How can I touch you?
I mean, get in touch with you.
368
00:21:00,991 --> 00:21:04,528
My number... is seven.
369
00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:08,599
That's a good number.
370
00:21:08,632 --> 00:21:11,402
God.
I'm-a call you!
371
00:21:15,973 --> 00:21:17,509
Good morning.
372
00:21:17,541 --> 00:21:21,078
I've been staring at you all night.
I haven't blinked once.
373
00:21:21,111 --> 00:21:22,946
Gosh, my eyes are hurting.
374
00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:27,286
How did I get here?
375
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,221
I brought you here, Hannah.
376
00:21:29,252 --> 00:21:30,805
Did you undress me?
377
00:21:30,806 --> 00:21:32,356
I sure did.
378
00:21:32,388 --> 00:21:33,991
My God, we didn't...
379
00:21:34,023 --> 00:21:37,060
No, we didn't.
380
00:21:37,094 --> 00:21:39,596
And I have the blue balls
to prove it.
381
00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:42,532
Look at these things.
382
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,170
What are those?
383
00:21:45,202 --> 00:21:49,141
What the fuck are those?
It hurts so much.
384
00:21:49,173 --> 00:21:52,175
I don't know what to do.
Why are you showing me this?
385
00:21:52,209 --> 00:21:54,311
I ordered you
some breakfast.
386
00:22:04,021 --> 00:22:05,723
Here. Eat.
387
00:22:05,756 --> 00:22:07,557
You'll need
your strength.
388
00:22:07,590 --> 00:22:11,429
But you licked this one and did all
sorts of other weird stuff to it.
389
00:22:11,462 --> 00:22:14,432
Can I get a fresh one?
Maybe some jam.
390
00:22:14,464 --> 00:22:16,099
No. Eat it.
391
00:22:16,134 --> 00:22:18,369
Why don't you just
leave me alone, Christian?
392
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,538
Because I'm incapable
of leaving you alone.
393
00:22:20,570 --> 00:22:22,473
I'm a certified stalker.
394
00:22:22,506 --> 00:22:25,643
I have four restraining orders and
I'm currently working on a fifth.
395
00:22:25,675 --> 00:22:27,478
Listen to me.
396
00:22:27,511 --> 00:22:30,414
I don't do
the romance thing.
397
00:22:30,446 --> 00:22:32,282
Anal, yes.
398
00:22:32,317 --> 00:22:34,118
Fisting, sure.
399
00:22:34,151 --> 00:22:37,587
Two in the pink,
one in the stink. Yeah.
400
00:22:37,621 --> 00:22:41,092
I do that.
But I don't do romance.
401
00:22:42,626 --> 00:22:44,363
You know, I'd like
to bite that lip.
402
00:22:44,364 --> 00:22:46,097
I wish you would.
403
00:22:51,035 --> 00:22:53,271
My God!
404
00:22:56,740 --> 00:22:58,410
No!
405
00:23:04,515 --> 00:23:06,217
Come on.
406
00:23:06,250 --> 00:23:08,653
Let's get you
out of here.
407
00:23:08,685 --> 00:23:11,222
God,
that made me wet.
408
00:23:11,255 --> 00:23:13,156
I love it.
409
00:23:21,065 --> 00:23:23,201
Fuck the bullshit.
410
00:23:34,144 --> 00:23:36,079
How you doin'?
411
00:23:42,618 --> 00:23:46,390
Open your eyes.
Lizard kiss. Come on.
412
00:23:52,128 --> 00:23:54,531
Vampire bite!
413
00:23:57,868 --> 00:23:59,136
I love it!
414
00:23:59,137 --> 00:24:00,404
Yes! Yes!
415
00:24:00,436 --> 00:24:03,674
My God!
416
00:24:09,546 --> 00:24:11,147
You shut up and watch.
417
00:24:11,182 --> 00:24:13,818
Get outta here.
418
00:24:16,855 --> 00:24:19,191
Excuse me.
419
00:24:22,192 --> 00:24:25,631
I have to warn you,
elevators make me horny.
420
00:24:28,432 --> 00:24:31,569
Daddy, I want you
to write a song about me.
421
00:24:31,602 --> 00:24:33,204
I wanna be your muse.
422
00:24:33,237 --> 00:24:35,205
This is a great time.
423
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,876
I'm inspired to write
a song about you right now.
424
00:24:38,909 --> 00:24:41,311
That feels so good.
425
00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,656
Deeper, Daddy! Deeper!
426
00:24:52,689 --> 00:24:56,326
Yes!
427
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:57,595
Yes! Yes!
428
00:25:01,365 --> 00:25:04,734
I think you going platinum
in about two minutes!
429
00:25:12,509 --> 00:25:14,746
That like an E minor
or something?
430
00:25:24,721 --> 00:25:26,357
Shit.
431
00:25:26,390 --> 00:25:27,825
Motherfucker!
432
00:25:30,928 --> 00:25:34,932
You done?
I gotta get to church.
433
00:25:34,964 --> 00:25:38,536
Hey! You two are fuckin'.
434
00:25:39,636 --> 00:25:41,138
Hey, brah.
435
00:25:44,808 --> 00:25:46,700
My brother. My brother.
Peace and blessings.
436
00:25:46,701 --> 00:25:47,645
How you doin'?
437
00:25:47,677 --> 00:25:50,181
Hannah, this is
my little brother, Eli.
438
00:25:50,214 --> 00:25:51,949
-Little?
-Yes.
439
00:25:51,982 --> 00:25:55,185
I'm Eli, like the movie about
the book, because I'm deep.
440
00:25:55,219 --> 00:25:56,686
-He is deep.
-Yes.
441
00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:59,324
-Balls deep.
-Yeah.
442
00:25:59,356 --> 00:26:02,292
Kateesha told me a lot about you.
Yeah, you're, like...
443
00:26:02,326 --> 00:26:04,828
You're, like, a lot plainer
than I thought you would be.
444
00:26:04,861 --> 00:26:06,696
Well, she's plain
but pretty.
445
00:26:06,730 --> 00:26:09,534
You're like a brick wall.
Just boring and rigid.
446
00:26:09,567 --> 00:26:11,803
-Okay!
-And just ashy in some places.
447
00:26:11,836 --> 00:26:15,574
Okay, okay, enough
with the small talk.
448
00:26:15,606 --> 00:26:17,942
-We have a long drive ahead of us.
-We do.
449
00:26:17,974 --> 00:26:19,777
A pleasure.
It's been a pleasure.
450
00:26:19,810 --> 00:26:22,313
The moon shall rise again.
451
00:26:22,346 --> 00:26:24,650
That's so romantic, boo.
What that mean?
452
00:26:25,582 --> 00:26:26,750
Deuces, bitch.
453
00:26:26,750 --> 00:26:27,917
Okay, I got you!
454
00:26:27,951 --> 00:26:29,237
I see you later!
455
00:26:29,238 --> 00:26:30,521
Nice meeting you.
456
00:26:30,554 --> 00:26:32,190
Bye.
457
00:26:33,323 --> 00:26:36,727
All right, so listen.
Meet me at the office later.
458
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,964
I have something special
planned for you. Okay?
459
00:26:39,997 --> 00:26:41,699
-Deuces, bitch.
-Who you calling a bitch?
460
00:26:41,732 --> 00:26:42,817
Shit!
461
00:26:42,818 --> 00:26:43,902
Damn, girl.
462
00:26:43,934 --> 00:26:47,371
I was just saying... He did it to her.
I thought it was cute.
463
00:26:47,404 --> 00:26:50,541
Damn, bitch.
I mean, girl.
464
00:27:00,784 --> 00:27:02,720
Are you ready for the
ride of your life?
465
00:27:02,752 --> 00:27:05,490
My God! Are we gonna
go in your helicopter?
466
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:14,665
I can't believe you thought I was
gonna take you on the chopper.
467
00:27:14,698 --> 00:27:17,701
We haven't even fucked yet.
468
00:27:20,971 --> 00:27:22,641
After you.
469
00:27:27,778 --> 00:27:29,980
Holy shit. You live here?
470
00:27:30,012 --> 00:27:33,483
What, a black man can't have
a nice place like this?
471
00:27:33,517 --> 00:27:37,453
No, a black man cannot have
a beautiful place like this.
472
00:27:37,487 --> 00:27:40,990
Wesley Snipes had a place like this
before he stopped doing his own taxes.
473
00:27:42,659 --> 00:27:43,826
How about some wine?
474
00:27:43,827 --> 00:27:44,994
Yes, please.
475
00:27:45,028 --> 00:27:46,632
Okay.
476
00:27:49,532 --> 00:27:51,669
Do you know why
I brought you here, Hannah?
477
00:27:51,702 --> 00:27:54,306
I'm assuming
to make sweet love.
478
00:27:54,338 --> 00:27:56,773
I don't make love. I fuck.
479
00:27:56,807 --> 00:27:58,876
Hard and quick.
480
00:27:58,909 --> 00:28:00,711
Really quick.
481
00:28:00,743 --> 00:28:03,981
It's like a Ronda Rousey fight.
You blink and it's over.
482
00:28:04,013 --> 00:28:06,083
O-Okay.
483
00:28:06,116 --> 00:28:09,988
But first you're gonna have to
sign a nondisclosure agreement.
484
00:28:10,020 --> 00:28:12,240
What's that?
485
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,459
It's basically lawyer talk
for "shut the fuck up."
486
00:28:14,491 --> 00:28:16,594
Come with me.
I'll explain.
487
00:28:16,626 --> 00:28:20,865
A nondisclosure agreement protects
both you and me, but mostly me.
488
00:28:26,536 --> 00:28:29,605
Behind this door
is my playroom.
489
00:28:29,638 --> 00:28:31,709
You mean like for your
PlayStation and stuff?
490
00:28:34,846 --> 00:28:36,914
That's a nice key.
491
00:28:39,782 --> 00:28:41,585
So tight.
492
00:28:46,923 --> 00:28:48,791
Get it open.
Come on. Open.
493
00:28:48,826 --> 00:28:50,528
You ready to get open?
494
00:29:02,173 --> 00:29:03,875
I'm an Xbox man myself.
495
00:29:03,906 --> 00:29:06,443
-You next, Black.
-You don't want none of this.
496
00:29:06,476 --> 00:29:07,845
When you done
with Wendy Williams there,
497
00:29:07,877 --> 00:29:09,980
jump on this game so I can
shoot you in the face.
498
00:29:10,012 --> 00:29:12,715
I'm gonna be honest with you,
Christian. She's not attractive.
499
00:29:12,750 --> 00:29:14,152
The bitch look like
she got lupus.
500
00:29:14,184 --> 00:29:17,154
Well, you look like a thumb that's
been yanked out of somebody's asshole.
501
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,627
-Slam dunk!
-That's crazy. That's crazy.
502
00:29:24,661 --> 00:29:27,698
Yeah?
Well, how 'bout...!
503
00:29:27,731 --> 00:29:29,733
-I got nothing.
-'Cause I'm better than you.
504
00:29:29,766 --> 00:29:32,669
Okay, well, I got something
I really wanna show you.
505
00:29:32,702 --> 00:29:34,838
My God. It's not more
broke niggas, is it?
506
00:29:34,871 --> 00:29:37,074
-No more broke niggas.
-No offense.
507
00:29:37,107 --> 00:29:39,009
Don't worry about those
ingrown hairs on your penis.
508
00:29:39,041 --> 00:29:40,844
We can't see them
through your pants.
509
00:29:40,877 --> 00:29:43,012
Don't give her all the dick, bro.
She don't deserve it.
510
00:29:43,046 --> 00:29:45,849
-Half the dick.
-Over there fuckin' Charles Barkley.
511
00:30:17,214 --> 00:30:18,949
Fuck this shit. I'm out.
512
00:30:18,982 --> 00:30:21,152
Please, Miss Steale.
513
00:30:21,184 --> 00:30:22,988
Just keep an open mind.
514
00:30:42,772 --> 00:30:44,576
Tantalizing.
515
00:30:52,115 --> 00:30:54,085
Got these from my grandma.
516
00:31:02,826 --> 00:31:05,063
You're
a sick motherfucker.
517
00:31:05,096 --> 00:31:09,133
No, Bill Cosby's a sick motherfucker.
I'm just a dominant.
518
00:31:09,165 --> 00:31:11,269
What does that have
to do with me?
519
00:31:11,300 --> 00:31:14,838
I want you to give yourself
to me sexually.
520
00:31:14,871 --> 00:31:18,709
Hence all the whips,
chains and freaky sex toys.
521
00:31:18,742 --> 00:31:21,480
And what would
I get out of it?
522
00:31:22,279 --> 00:31:24,883
Me.
523
00:31:26,082 --> 00:31:27,784
My God!
524
00:31:27,817 --> 00:31:30,788
Let me get this straight.
525
00:31:30,820 --> 00:31:33,991
So, you wanna beat me
with these paddles...
526
00:31:34,023 --> 00:31:35,925
-Whip.
-Whips.
527
00:31:35,959 --> 00:31:37,627
You wanna chain me
to this rack...
528
00:31:37,628 --> 00:31:39,296
Handcuff.
529
00:31:39,329 --> 00:31:41,865
And humiliate me
in unimaginable ways,
530
00:31:41,897 --> 00:31:44,166
and in exchange
for all of this torture,
531
00:31:44,201 --> 00:31:46,037
I get you.
532
00:31:46,069 --> 00:31:47,605
Yeah, that's correct.
533
00:31:47,637 --> 00:31:49,205
And women go for this.
534
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,976
Some women.
535
00:31:52,342 --> 00:31:56,012
It's like Disneyland
for grown-ups.
536
00:31:56,046 --> 00:31:58,615
Yeah. So what do you think?
537
00:31:58,647 --> 00:32:01,018
I'm pretty much cool
with anything,
538
00:32:01,050 --> 00:32:04,788
as long as you promise you won't
tell my dad I fucked a black guy.
539
00:32:07,656 --> 00:32:09,093
So what do you think?
540
00:32:10,694 --> 00:32:14,566
Two things. Where is the cup
and when do we eat shit?
541
00:32:17,934 --> 00:32:20,171
What we supposed
to do in here?
542
00:32:20,203 --> 00:32:23,773
Well, I thought we'd start
with a little bit of rope play.
543
00:32:23,807 --> 00:32:25,309
No!
544
00:32:25,342 --> 00:32:28,912
Okay, well, how about I just mount you
to that rack over there and spank you?
545
00:32:28,945 --> 00:32:31,281
Hell to the no.
546
00:32:31,314 --> 00:32:33,650
Perhaps a little bit
of flogging?
547
00:32:33,683 --> 00:32:36,287
I don't even know what
the hell flogging means,
548
00:32:36,319 --> 00:32:38,923
so fuck to the no.
549
00:32:38,954 --> 00:32:41,090
Okay, well, what are we
supposed to do then?
550
00:32:41,125 --> 00:32:44,095
You need to find Jesus.
That's what you can do.
551
00:32:46,096 --> 00:32:48,298
Okay, here's how it goes.
552
00:32:48,330 --> 00:32:51,201
I've drafted a standard contract
that lays out the terms.
553
00:32:51,233 --> 00:32:53,837
Lots of sex.
We have more sex.
554
00:32:53,869 --> 00:32:56,039
Yada yada, we end with sex.
555
00:32:56,072 --> 00:32:59,376
You look it over and you negotiate
what you're willing to do.
556
00:32:59,409 --> 00:33:04,080
I hate to, um, throw a monkey
wrench into the whole works here,
557
00:33:04,115 --> 00:33:06,317
but... I...
558
00:33:06,349 --> 00:33:08,086
You have low self-esteem?
559
00:33:08,118 --> 00:33:10,020
No. I...
560
00:33:10,053 --> 00:33:12,056
You have daddy issues.
561
00:33:13,256 --> 00:33:15,791
No.
562
00:33:15,826 --> 00:33:17,862
What I'm trying to tell
you is, I'm... I'm a...
563
00:33:19,796 --> 00:33:20,998
A virgin?
564
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:22,199
Yeah.
565
00:33:22,232 --> 00:33:24,166
Man!
566
00:33:24,201 --> 00:33:26,304
I can't believe this.
567
00:33:26,336 --> 00:33:27,904
I don't understand.
568
00:33:27,936 --> 00:33:31,008
Okay, tell me
you've done something.
569
00:33:31,041 --> 00:33:33,845
-Blow job?
-Where does the blowing come in?
570
00:33:33,877 --> 00:33:35,878
-Finger pop?
-No.
571
00:33:35,913 --> 00:33:37,815
-Angry Panda?
-Why is it angry?
572
00:33:37,847 --> 00:33:39,983
Why did you ask that?
573
00:33:40,016 --> 00:33:43,153
My God. Okay, tell
me you've done anal.
574
00:33:43,185 --> 00:33:47,125
I know how it goes. You let guys put
it in your little rusty bullet hole
575
00:33:47,156 --> 00:33:50,060
so you can tell your mama and your
pastor that you're still a virgin.
576
00:33:50,093 --> 00:33:51,827
I've just been waiting.
577
00:33:51,861 --> 00:33:55,398
For what? Girl, you are
20-something years old.
578
00:33:55,432 --> 00:33:58,169
It don't get no better.
It's going to spoil.
579
00:33:58,201 --> 00:33:59,770
It's fermenting down there.
580
00:33:59,802 --> 00:34:02,138
Just fermenting. Okay?
581
00:34:02,173 --> 00:34:05,009
You gonna tell me
nobody wanted the pussy?
582
00:34:05,041 --> 00:34:08,746
Well, I just am very selective
about who I wanted to...
583
00:34:08,778 --> 00:34:10,280
Selective?
584
00:34:10,313 --> 00:34:13,817
That sound like something somebody with
a pussy that nobody wanted would say.
585
00:34:13,851 --> 00:34:14,918
Hey.
586
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:15,987
Don't get me wrong.
587
00:34:16,019 --> 00:34:18,755
I don't want it all worn out
like a old washing machine belt
588
00:34:18,788 --> 00:34:22,159
or hanging like wet straps
in a car wash
589
00:34:22,192 --> 00:34:26,128
or flapping around like an inflatable
figure outside of a mattress store.
590
00:34:26,163 --> 00:34:28,733
But I want it to have
some experience.
591
00:34:30,266 --> 00:34:36,005
Okay, look, we're gonna fix
this situation right now.
592
00:34:37,074 --> 00:34:39,210
I've been waiting
my whole life for this.
593
00:34:40,242 --> 00:34:41,628
Come on then.
594
00:34:41,628 --> 00:34:43,012
Yes.
595
00:34:56,492 --> 00:34:59,262
Very...
596
00:34:59,295 --> 00:35:01,331
Very Sasquatch of you.
597
00:35:01,364 --> 00:35:03,411
Have you never had sex
with a virgin before?
598
00:35:03,411 --> 00:35:04,434
Not a hairy one.
599
00:35:12,375 --> 00:35:14,077
You nicked me.
600
00:35:20,518 --> 00:35:23,221
What the heck?
601
00:35:23,253 --> 00:35:25,222
Yeah. I have an outie.
602
00:35:31,827 --> 00:35:33,963
That got flavor.
603
00:35:33,998 --> 00:35:37,034
-What?
-You're the first person who's seen it.
604
00:35:37,067 --> 00:35:39,237
Little Eskimo kisses?
Noo-noo-noo-noo.
605
00:35:41,172 --> 00:35:43,208
I never had anyone
do that to it before.
606
00:35:45,409 --> 00:35:46,710
Watch the teeth!
607
00:35:46,711 --> 00:35:48,012
Sorry.
608
00:36:02,393 --> 00:36:04,996
Got him.
609
00:36:05,028 --> 00:36:06,364
Okay.
610
00:36:20,009 --> 00:36:22,211
Sorry.
611
00:36:22,246 --> 00:36:24,047
-I didn't have time to shower.
-Shit!
612
00:36:45,469 --> 00:36:47,572
Okay. You ready?
613
00:36:47,605 --> 00:36:50,173
I'm gonna take you
to a whole nother galaxy!
614
00:36:50,206 --> 00:36:53,577
My God, I'm coming!
615
00:36:53,610 --> 00:36:56,313
God!
616
00:36:58,481 --> 00:37:01,418
Got it. Got it.
617
00:37:01,451 --> 00:37:03,920
Got it. Got it!
618
00:37:03,952 --> 00:37:05,554
-Whoo!
-Already?
619
00:37:08,224 --> 00:37:10,894
-That was amazing.
-Really?
620
00:37:10,927 --> 00:37:14,364
I guess I was expecting
something... different.
621
00:37:14,396 --> 00:37:17,199
Don't worry about it. It's your
first time. Don't sweat it.
622
00:37:17,233 --> 00:37:20,438
You'll get better with experience.
Just keep working on it.
623
00:37:22,639 --> 00:37:26,009
You know, it's customary for a woman
to make a man an oversized sandwich
624
00:37:26,043 --> 00:37:27,445
to help him regain
his strength.
625
00:37:27,478 --> 00:37:31,282
Either that or some leftover
pizza or maybe a Hot Pocket.
626
00:37:31,315 --> 00:37:33,351
You want me to make
a Hot Pocket now?
627
00:37:33,384 --> 00:37:36,586
I don't make the rules.
I'm just telling you.
628
00:37:36,619 --> 00:37:38,387
You got a lot
to learn, kid.
629
00:37:43,992 --> 00:37:45,862
Are you asleep already?
630
00:37:46,429 --> 00:37:49,032
Nigga!
631
00:38:16,527 --> 00:38:18,195
Christian?
632
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,398
-Christian!
-Shit!
633
00:38:21,431 --> 00:38:24,668
-Who the fuck is that?
-My mother.
634
00:38:28,271 --> 00:38:32,309
Great. Now I gotta get rid
of two crazy bitches. Fuck.
635
00:38:33,643 --> 00:38:35,445
Mother.
636
00:38:35,478 --> 00:38:36,512
Christian.
637
00:38:36,514 --> 00:38:37,547
Hello.
638
00:38:37,581 --> 00:38:40,418
You better get dressed or we're
going to be late for the regatta.
639
00:38:40,451 --> 00:38:42,253
I forgot that was today.
640
00:38:42,286 --> 00:38:44,255
-You're not doing crack again, are you?
-No, Mother.
641
00:38:44,288 --> 00:38:46,356
I never raised you
that way.
642
00:38:46,389 --> 00:38:48,692
However, it is a prominent trait
in your genealogical pool.
643
00:38:48,726 --> 00:38:49,592
Hello.
644
00:38:49,594 --> 00:38:52,195
I'm standing my ground!
I'm standing my ground!
645
00:38:54,197 --> 00:38:55,565
Shit!
646
00:38:55,597 --> 00:38:58,501
Mother, what are you doing?
That's Hannah Steale.
647
00:38:58,534 --> 00:39:01,704
How many times I gotta tell you?
Black lives matter.
648
00:39:01,739 --> 00:39:04,007
Come on. Let's get you up.
649
00:39:06,076 --> 00:39:08,313
Hannah,
this is my mother, Claire.
650
00:39:09,380 --> 00:39:11,949
I am so sorry, Hannah.
651
00:39:13,150 --> 00:39:15,119
My, you have
beautiful breasts.
652
00:39:15,152 --> 00:39:17,054
I would've thought
they'd be more droopy,
653
00:39:17,086 --> 00:39:19,023
like a sock
with a rock in the toe,
654
00:39:19,056 --> 00:39:21,425
like in those
National Geographic magazines.
655
00:39:21,458 --> 00:39:24,527
You're gonna have to forgive
my mother's behavior.
656
00:39:24,559 --> 00:39:28,697
Sometimes she can be factually
inaccurate and quite racist.
657
00:39:28,731 --> 00:39:30,434
Do not apologize
for me, Christian.
658
00:39:30,467 --> 00:39:34,005
I am your mother and I love you
like you were my own white child.
659
00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:36,106
But I still hide my wallet
at night, just in case.
660
00:39:36,139 --> 00:39:37,740
As you should, Mother.
661
00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:39,710
It is awesome to meet you.
662
00:39:39,742 --> 00:39:41,644
Are you two dating?
663
00:39:41,677 --> 00:39:44,114
No, Mother,
we're not dating.
664
00:39:44,146 --> 00:39:46,081
We're just fucking. Hard.
665
00:39:46,115 --> 00:39:48,351
And quick.
Apparently, it's the best way.
666
00:39:48,384 --> 00:39:52,222
Well, I just can't tell you how
pleased I am to meet you, Hannah.
667
00:39:52,255 --> 00:39:55,224
I mean, you're the first woman
I've seen Christian with.
668
00:39:55,259 --> 00:39:57,327
I-I assumed
that he was...
669
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,563
What would Oprah say?
Um, on the DL?
670
00:40:02,365 --> 00:40:04,467
-Christian, you can do so much better.
-Mother.
671
00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:06,668
You're one of the richest, most
handsome men in the world.
672
00:40:06,702 --> 00:40:09,373
You could date white women,
like Tiger Woods and Seal.
673
00:40:09,405 --> 00:40:11,342
Okay, it's time
for you to go, Mother.
674
00:40:11,375 --> 00:40:14,045
Or like Taye Diggs
or Quincy Jones.
675
00:40:14,077 --> 00:40:17,248
Or even Ice-T.
Um, Hannah?
676
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:19,784
Christian's Chinese sister,
Mai, has come to town,
677
00:40:19,817 --> 00:40:22,719
so we're gonna hide the cats and
have the family over for dinner.
678
00:40:22,751 --> 00:40:24,686
-You should come.
-I'd be delighted.
679
00:40:24,721 --> 00:40:28,559
-It was really nice to meet you.
-Okay, great. Time to go, Mom.
680
00:40:31,394 --> 00:40:34,798
Where is my wallet?
Still there.
681
00:40:34,831 --> 00:40:36,567
-You just never know.
-Yeah.
682
00:40:37,701 --> 00:40:40,403
They're delicious.
683
00:40:40,436 --> 00:40:42,572
All right.
684
00:40:44,307 --> 00:40:46,277
We had breakfast.
Time to go.
685
00:40:46,309 --> 00:40:49,346
Look. Your Uber's here.
All right.
686
00:40:52,849 --> 00:40:54,585
Okay. What?
687
00:40:55,552 --> 00:40:56,820
Spit it out.
688
00:40:56,853 --> 00:41:01,657
Well, how did you get into this
whole dominant-submissive thing?
689
00:41:03,094 --> 00:41:06,597
It was one of my mother's really
close friends, and my music teacher.
690
00:41:07,630 --> 00:41:09,333
I was 16.
691
00:41:10,766 --> 00:41:12,402
She was older.
692
00:41:21,612 --> 00:41:24,380
Don't look so nervous,
Christian.
693
00:41:24,413 --> 00:41:29,418
All I ask is that you do
your very best.
694
00:41:29,452 --> 00:41:32,789
Um, I-I thought I was supposed
to be here for music lessons.
695
00:41:32,822 --> 00:41:35,224
Baby, you are.
696
00:41:35,259 --> 00:41:40,197
And... your lesson
starts right here.
697
00:41:43,166 --> 00:41:45,302
Hey, hey. Snap.
698
00:41:45,335 --> 00:41:48,139
We got a regular
John Holmes here,
699
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:49,739
without the big dick
and the stamina.
700
00:41:49,771 --> 00:41:51,673
Okay. Again!
701
00:41:51,708 --> 00:41:53,277
One, two, three!
702
00:41:54,711 --> 00:41:57,764
Do you know why I hit you
with that tambourine, Black?
703
00:41:57,764 --> 00:41:58,782
I have no idea.
704
00:41:58,815 --> 00:42:00,501
Were you rushing
or were you dragging?
705
00:42:00,501 --> 00:42:02,186
I thought I was fucking.
706
00:42:02,219 --> 00:42:04,489
That wasn't fucking!
707
00:42:05,521 --> 00:42:07,224
Now, count off.
708
00:42:07,257 --> 00:42:09,360
One, two...
709
00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:11,594
Was I rushing
or was I dragging?
710
00:42:11,626 --> 00:42:12,778
Answer the question!
711
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:13,929
You were rushing!
712
00:42:13,963 --> 00:42:17,634
Is that a tear?
Poor little guy.
713
00:42:17,668 --> 00:42:18,969
Are you upset?
714
00:42:18,971 --> 00:42:20,271
I'm upset.
715
00:42:20,304 --> 00:42:24,708
You worthless, adopted,
unloved little piece of shit.
716
00:42:24,740 --> 00:42:29,813
Weeping and slobbering over my
vagina like a nine-year-old girl.
717
00:42:29,846 --> 00:42:34,217
Now, for the last father-fucking time,
say it louder so I can hear it!
718
00:42:34,250 --> 00:42:35,802
I'm upset!
719
00:42:35,802 --> 00:42:37,353
Black,
get off the bed!
720
00:42:37,385 --> 00:42:39,222
-You make me sick.
-But I'm upset.
721
00:42:39,255 --> 00:42:41,791
Get off the bed.
You're not ready for this.
722
00:42:41,824 --> 00:42:44,760
I'm ready!
723
00:42:44,795 --> 00:42:47,530
Willy?
Willy, you're up next.
724
00:42:47,563 --> 00:42:48,371
Willy?
725
00:42:48,373 --> 00:42:50,800
You better get your
shit together, Black.
726
00:42:50,833 --> 00:42:53,702
You're not gonna amount to
anything, sexually or musically.
727
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:57,307
And you know what the biggest
disappointment of all is to me?
728
00:42:57,340 --> 00:43:01,679
I thought all you black men
had rhythm and a big dick.
729
00:43:01,711 --> 00:43:03,581
Boy, was I mistaken.
730
00:43:04,780 --> 00:43:06,717
I have rhythm!
731
00:43:08,652 --> 00:43:12,255
You're all set, Miss Steale.
Courtesy of Mr. Black.
732
00:43:13,923 --> 00:43:16,594
What the heck?
733
00:43:19,996 --> 00:43:23,432
What is that? Is that a drone?
734
00:43:23,467 --> 00:43:25,570
All right, just sign here.
735
00:43:28,871 --> 00:43:30,472
Thank you very much.
736
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:38,983
Girl,
another gift?
737
00:43:39,016 --> 00:43:41,552
Damn, you must be
giving that bomb head!
738
00:43:41,585 --> 00:43:45,755
Wait a minute. Is that a
retina display MacBook Pro?
739
00:43:45,788 --> 00:43:49,259
-Bitch, you lickin' out butthole!
-I didn't lick a butthole.
740
00:43:49,293 --> 00:43:50,860
Shit, you lucky, girl.
741
00:43:50,893 --> 00:43:52,996
I licked six buttholes
last week.
742
00:43:53,028 --> 00:43:54,831
I got a Dell.
743
00:43:54,864 --> 00:43:56,567
Desktop.
744
00:43:56,599 --> 00:43:59,969
I can't take that shit anywhere, girl.
That mail come already?
745
00:44:00,001 --> 00:44:05,474
No. It's this weird sex contract
Christian wants me to sign.
746
00:44:05,509 --> 00:44:09,445
You sign that, but then you get
that paper, boo. All right?
747
00:44:09,478 --> 00:44:11,614
A bitch gotta get hers.
748
00:44:11,646 --> 00:44:13,650
You keep licking
that booty, okay?
749
00:44:48,818 --> 00:44:50,688
We're done?
750
00:44:50,721 --> 00:44:52,956
-What?
-Yeah, I read your text.
751
00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:55,659
"Face,
sparkly diamond, poop"?
752
00:44:55,692 --> 00:44:58,628
What does that even mean? You got
me all fucked up with your emojis.
753
00:44:58,661 --> 00:45:01,431
-Hey, how did you get in here?
-Does it matter?
754
00:45:01,463 --> 00:45:03,422
Yes, actually, it does
matter, because you
755
00:45:03,422 --> 00:45:05,335
don't live here and
you don't have a key.
756
00:45:05,367 --> 00:45:08,938
You don't need a key
to get in a hamper, Hannah.
757
00:45:08,971 --> 00:45:11,606
Here, now, help me
outta here.
758
00:45:11,641 --> 00:45:15,978
You're lucky I wasn't in your
medicine cabinet or your jewelry box.
759
00:45:16,010 --> 00:45:17,980
I tried to hide
in your nightstand,
760
00:45:18,014 --> 00:45:20,884
but you had this Gideon Bible
in there and I couldn't fit.
761
00:45:20,916 --> 00:45:23,519
Wait a minute. Did you break
in through that window?
762
00:45:23,552 --> 00:45:26,088
This one? No.
That could've been anybody.
763
00:45:26,123 --> 00:45:29,992
The brick on the ground says,
"Property of Christian Black."
764
00:45:30,025 --> 00:45:31,894
"Christian..."
765
00:45:31,927 --> 00:45:34,063
Yeah, yeah, I-it does.
766
00:45:34,096 --> 00:45:38,702
But I mean, that could belong to any
black Christian, right? I mean... Okay.
767
00:45:39,735 --> 00:45:41,403
Enough...
768
00:45:41,438 --> 00:45:43,873
with the interrogation.
769
00:45:43,905 --> 00:45:45,875
Come here.
770
00:46:17,873 --> 00:46:21,144
Do not... move,
771
00:46:21,177 --> 00:46:24,447
or I'll be forced to punish you.
772
00:46:40,063 --> 00:46:41,331
I said, don't move.
773
00:46:41,333 --> 00:46:42,599
Okay.
774
00:46:43,699 --> 00:46:46,702
That feels weird.
What is that?
775
00:46:46,735 --> 00:46:48,438
So hairy.
776
00:46:57,047 --> 00:46:59,516
Yeah! Yes!
777
00:46:59,548 --> 00:47:02,420
Wait, wait, wait. Don't move.
Don't, don't... Don't.
778
00:47:12,661 --> 00:47:15,798
Damn it, that shit was cold!
779
00:47:19,735 --> 00:47:22,005
-Are you ready, Miss Steale?
-Yes, Christian.
780
00:47:31,713 --> 00:47:33,449
You brought a condom, right?
781
00:47:33,949 --> 00:47:35,485
A... a condom?
782
00:47:35,518 --> 00:47:37,253
-Yeah.
-O-Okay.
783
00:47:37,286 --> 00:47:40,822
Yeah, of course... of course I got
a condom. Hold on one second.
784
00:47:40,856 --> 00:47:42,692
Goddamn it.
785
00:47:42,726 --> 00:47:46,128
Just knowing you care enough
to use protection excites me.
786
00:47:46,161 --> 00:47:48,931
Aha. Old trusty-dusty.
787
00:47:51,067 --> 00:47:52,235
"March, 1982"?
788
00:47:52,268 --> 00:47:53,903
Hell no.
789
00:47:53,936 --> 00:47:56,806
Yeah, I got one right here.
I found it.
790
00:47:56,838 --> 00:48:00,009
Here, let me open it up
so you can hear it.
791
00:48:06,148 --> 00:48:07,851
Okay.
792
00:48:07,884 --> 00:48:11,755
I'm just gonna scoot these
little bad boys to the side.
793
00:48:11,788 --> 00:48:14,123
And then I'm gonna
park this right there.
794
00:48:14,155 --> 00:48:16,893
My God,
it feels so natural.
795
00:48:16,927 --> 00:48:19,596
It's like you're not
wearing anything at all.
796
00:48:19,628 --> 00:48:21,230
It's lambskin foreskin.
797
00:48:24,134 --> 00:48:25,402
J-just relax.
798
00:48:25,434 --> 00:48:29,237
No, not you. I'm talking to myself.
Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
799
00:48:29,271 --> 00:48:31,007
Okay?
800
00:48:31,039 --> 00:48:32,742
Ready?
801
00:48:37,846 --> 00:48:40,983
That was like two strokes!
802
00:48:41,016 --> 00:48:44,753
This nigga's back here
settin' records!
803
00:48:44,788 --> 00:48:47,023
They gonna put me
on a Wheaties box!
804
00:48:47,056 --> 00:48:49,759
-Thank God you're wearing a condom.
-I know.
805
00:48:49,793 --> 00:48:53,230
'Cause, boy, we wouldn't want
to get you pregnant, right?
806
00:48:53,262 --> 00:48:56,932
I know. I'm not even taking any
birth control. And I'm ovulating.
807
00:48:56,967 --> 00:48:59,268
Did I tell you that
twins run in my family?
808
00:48:59,269 --> 00:49:00,036
Twins?
809
00:49:00,068 --> 00:49:01,304
My sister had sextuplets.
810
00:49:01,336 --> 00:49:03,838
Sextup...
811
00:49:03,873 --> 00:49:05,641
Really?
812
00:49:05,673 --> 00:49:07,610
Let me just get
an after-sex mint.
813
00:49:08,177 --> 00:49:09,778
Here. H-Here.
814
00:49:09,813 --> 00:49:11,715
Have one of these.
Here you go.
815
00:49:11,748 --> 00:49:12,965
Yeah.
816
00:49:12,967 --> 00:49:14,184
It tastes weird.
817
00:49:14,217 --> 00:49:16,920
All gone?!
818
00:49:16,952 --> 00:49:19,088
Good girl.
819
00:49:58,327 --> 00:50:00,096
Shall we begin,
Miss Steale?
820
00:50:00,130 --> 00:50:03,032
Page one, paragraph one.
821
00:50:03,065 --> 00:50:04,800
This must change.
822
00:50:05,735 --> 00:50:07,103
There's a typo in the header.
823
00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:10,806
-That's it?
-Mr. Black.
824
00:50:10,838 --> 00:50:14,175
I will end this negotiation
right now.
825
00:50:14,210 --> 00:50:16,713
My apologies.
826
00:50:16,746 --> 00:50:18,849
Page four, section 13.20.
827
00:50:18,882 --> 00:50:22,351
-With regards to anal fisting...
-Is... Is there a problem?
828
00:50:22,384 --> 00:50:25,186
Absolutely not.
829
00:50:25,221 --> 00:50:27,090
And strike out vaginal fisting.
830
00:50:27,123 --> 00:50:30,027
If you're gonna do anal, you're
obviously gonna have vaginal fisting.
831
00:50:30,059 --> 00:50:32,728
-I mean, it's a given.
-For sure. I will put that...
832
00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:34,797
I'm putting that
in there in bold.
833
00:50:34,831 --> 00:50:37,067
Next page, sex toys.
834
00:50:37,099 --> 00:50:39,735
"Are they acceptable
to the submissive?"
835
00:50:39,768 --> 00:50:41,936
Dildos. I guess.
836
00:50:41,971 --> 00:50:44,740
-Butt plugs, fine.
-Fuck yeah.
837
00:50:44,773 --> 00:50:47,143
How did this slip through the cracks?
What's with the genital clamps?
838
00:50:47,177 --> 00:50:51,114
Sorry, Miss Steale. I can't
seem to find those in my...
839
00:50:51,146 --> 00:50:53,217
Because you forgot
to put them in there.
840
00:50:54,217 --> 00:50:56,052
Rookie move, Mr. Black.
841
00:50:56,786 --> 00:50:58,054
Silly me.
842
00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:06,163
Let's be clear.
843
00:51:06,195 --> 00:51:10,199
I will not share you
with another woman.
844
00:51:10,231 --> 00:51:12,768
-I require at least two or three.
-Five.
845
00:51:12,802 --> 00:51:14,704
-Seven.
-Seven it is.
846
00:51:14,737 --> 00:51:16,905
You're not gonna shortchange me, Mr.
Black.
847
00:51:16,940 --> 00:51:19,275
You drive a hard bargain,
Miss Steale.
848
00:51:19,307 --> 00:51:20,543
Thank you.
849
00:51:20,576 --> 00:51:24,045
Miss Steale, I'd like to fuck you
into the middle of next month.
850
00:51:24,079 --> 00:51:25,215
Silly.
851
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:28,385
You couldn't fuck me into the
middle of the next minute.
852
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:30,454
I'll fuck you
into a different galaxy.
853
00:51:30,487 --> 00:51:32,355
You'll be, "Shit,
it's cold in Pluto!"
854
00:51:32,387 --> 00:51:35,224
Yeah, well, I'm gonna fuck you
at the Stephen Hawking exhibit
855
00:51:35,257 --> 00:51:36,972
and I'm gonna ram
your ass so hard that
856
00:51:36,974 --> 00:51:38,860
I cause a tear in the
time-space continuum.
857
00:51:38,894 --> 00:51:41,764
I'll fuck you through slavery times,
and you'll get your freedom papers.
858
00:51:41,797 --> 00:51:43,759
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
rent me a DeLorean
859
00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:45,067
and fuck you back to the future.
860
00:51:45,101 --> 00:51:46,815
I'll fuck you into a
whole nother planet,
861
00:51:46,815 --> 00:51:48,338
where that insect
is from Men in Black.
862
00:51:48,371 --> 00:51:50,806
You'd be like, "Shit.
How many times you fuck me?"
863
00:51:50,838 --> 00:51:53,275
Three million,
746 hundred million times.
864
00:51:53,307 --> 00:51:55,344
You'd be like, "Why?"
I'd be like, "Shut up."
865
00:51:55,376 --> 00:51:57,780
And I hit you
with the neuron, like...
866
00:51:59,047 --> 00:52:01,083
You'd be like,
867
00:52:01,115 --> 00:52:03,985
"My God.
Why is my vagina so sore?"
868
00:52:04,019 --> 00:52:06,523
And I'd be like,
"You fell."
869
00:52:06,556 --> 00:52:09,259
Well played, Mr. Black.
870
00:52:09,291 --> 00:52:10,994
I've done this before.
871
00:52:12,795 --> 00:52:15,798
And he's a major beneficiary
of our university.
872
00:52:15,831 --> 00:52:19,001
Interestingly enough,
he donates all cash.
873
00:52:19,034 --> 00:52:22,338
Usually in ones, fives, 20s.
874
00:52:22,371 --> 00:52:25,509
The odd rolled-up $100 bill that's
got a little bit of powder on it.
875
00:52:25,541 --> 00:52:29,112
Please welcome
Mr. Christian Black.
876
00:52:33,182 --> 00:52:36,152
You tellin' all my business?
Don't get cut.
877
00:52:38,452 --> 00:52:42,858
Thank you. Let's talk about
life and your purpose.
878
00:52:42,891 --> 00:52:47,530
You all spent four hard years in
this school getting your diploma,
879
00:52:47,563 --> 00:52:49,831
putting your parents in debt.
880
00:52:51,166 --> 00:52:52,235
For what?
881
00:52:52,268 --> 00:52:56,907
Between global warming
and the world economy crashing,
882
00:52:56,940 --> 00:52:59,476
I don't even know why you're
trying to better yourselves.
883
00:52:59,509 --> 00:53:01,811
Give up hope.
884
00:53:01,844 --> 00:53:04,947
Think about it.
You are wasting time.
885
00:53:04,980 --> 00:53:07,882
You. You're a drug addict
waiting to happen.
886
00:53:07,916 --> 00:53:11,086
Look at you. You can't wait to get
outta here and smoke some weed.
887
00:53:11,119 --> 00:53:13,889
And you, you are a stripper.
888
00:53:13,922 --> 00:53:16,858
Your ass is twerkin'
as I'm sitting here talking.
889
00:53:16,893 --> 00:53:18,494
You can find
a rhythm in anything.
890
00:53:18,527 --> 00:53:19,961
And you, sir...
891
00:53:19,996 --> 00:53:23,166
Well, you're white.
You'll be fine.
892
00:53:23,199 --> 00:53:26,302
So, in closing,
I would like to say,
893
00:53:26,335 --> 00:53:30,373
"Thank God I'm not you."
894
00:53:31,440 --> 00:53:33,009
Kateesha!
895
00:53:33,041 --> 00:53:34,476
-Girl!
-My God, we did it!
896
00:53:34,509 --> 00:53:36,411
I'm so proud of you.
897
00:53:36,413 --> 00:53:38,313
Who you tellin'?
I was close, girl.
898
00:53:38,347 --> 00:53:41,016
I was one hand job away
from losing "valevictorian"
899
00:53:41,048 --> 00:53:44,018
to that bitch,
Lindsey Hung, right?
900
00:53:44,052 --> 00:53:46,056
-What are you talking...
-Shut up.
901
00:53:46,088 --> 00:53:48,190
I see that bitch.
She talkin' shit.
902
00:53:48,222 --> 00:53:51,626
She gonna need a gynecologist when
I'm done fucking that bitch up.
903
00:53:51,661 --> 00:53:55,632
All right. Girl, I see you later.
I'm-a go punch a bitch in the throat.
904
00:53:55,664 --> 00:53:57,932
Lindsey!
You bilingual bitch!
905
00:53:57,967 --> 00:54:00,003
So proud of you.
906
00:54:00,036 --> 00:54:01,121
Hannah!
907
00:54:01,121 --> 00:54:02,204
Dad!
908
00:54:02,237 --> 00:54:05,074
I'm so happy to see you.
909
00:54:05,106 --> 00:54:07,409
I'm so proud of you.
910
00:54:07,442 --> 00:54:09,978
You know, I thought you'd
turn out not to be shit.
911
00:54:10,012 --> 00:54:13,414
But you end up looking real good,
being that you from a drunken whore.
912
00:54:13,449 --> 00:54:15,050
Yeah.
913
00:54:15,083 --> 00:54:16,652
Yeah, your mama's
over at the rehab.
914
00:54:16,684 --> 00:54:19,021
Twenty-seven times
is a fucking charm.
915
00:54:19,054 --> 00:54:20,655
-Isn't it?
-Yeah, it's a fucking charm.
916
00:54:20,690 --> 00:54:25,094
-Hey, where are my other stepdads?
-Right over there.
917
00:54:25,126 --> 00:54:27,295
Jonny Quest, B.B. King.
918
00:54:27,329 --> 00:54:29,331
I don't know who that nigga
is with their shirt off.
919
00:54:29,364 --> 00:54:32,001
That must be your birth daddy.
Yeah, it's all good.
920
00:54:32,034 --> 00:54:34,170
What a great bunch of guys.
921
00:54:34,202 --> 00:54:36,639
And you know the old saying...
"It takes a village."
922
00:54:36,672 --> 00:54:40,643
And that's true, especially when it
comes to your mom being a gutter slut
923
00:54:40,677 --> 00:54:44,114
and the village is a gang bang.
924
00:54:44,146 --> 00:54:45,398
"The village is a gang bang."
925
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:46,650
Hannah!
926
00:54:46,682 --> 00:54:48,652
-Hi.
-Hi.
927
00:54:48,684 --> 00:54:50,519
Hey, hey, hey,
hold up, playa!
928
00:54:50,552 --> 00:54:52,989
Shit, how you gonna walk up
and kiss the girl that I raised?
929
00:54:53,021 --> 00:54:54,289
What kind of shit is this?
930
00:54:54,324 --> 00:54:57,527
Ron, this is my boyfriend,
Christian Black.
931
00:54:57,559 --> 00:54:59,327
Boyfriend?
932
00:54:59,362 --> 00:55:02,164
Ron, to be honest with you,
I just fucked her a few times.
933
00:55:02,197 --> 00:55:04,695
"Boyfriend" makes it
sound serious, like...
934
00:55:04,695 --> 00:55:07,135
like I went raw. I might've
dipped, but...
935
00:55:07,170 --> 00:55:09,706
-Are you thinkin' about marrying her?
-No.
936
00:55:09,739 --> 00:55:12,275
-What if she get pregnant?
-Still no.
937
00:55:12,307 --> 00:55:13,443
But hell no.
938
00:55:16,211 --> 00:55:19,181
I like this mother!
939
00:55:19,213 --> 00:55:21,416
-I like this nigga right here.
-I fucks with your stepdad.
940
00:55:21,451 --> 00:55:24,621
You know what? From playa to playa,
Black, I really like you, man.
941
00:55:24,653 --> 00:55:27,356
You can fuck anybody you
wanna fuck, you hear me?
942
00:55:27,356 --> 00:55:28,257
Thank you.
943
00:55:28,289 --> 00:55:31,193
Just don't pass her around
like we did her mama.
944
00:55:31,226 --> 00:55:32,728
-That's all I ask you to do.
-Yes, sir.
945
00:55:32,760 --> 00:55:35,213
We passed your mama around
like a baton, man. Yeah.
946
00:55:35,213 --> 00:55:36,030
Yeah.
947
00:55:36,065 --> 00:55:38,168
You never told me that
about your mother.
948
00:55:38,201 --> 00:55:40,170
Your mother fucked everybody
in the neighborhood,
949
00:55:40,202 --> 00:55:42,639
then wanted to settle down
with me, and I went for it.
950
00:55:42,672 --> 00:55:44,382
I gotta hang out with
you, man, get your
951
00:55:44,382 --> 00:55:46,175
knowledge, 'cause you
got a lot of wisdom.
952
00:55:46,208 --> 00:55:48,943
I got a lot of wisdom
and I been through a lot.
953
00:55:48,945 --> 00:55:50,311
I done been with a lot of hos.
954
00:55:50,346 --> 00:55:53,349
-Yes.
-And the smells that's on my fingers...
955
00:55:53,382 --> 00:55:55,085
-Shit!
-Over all the years...
956
00:55:55,117 --> 00:55:56,987
-What?!
-Still has never went away.
957
00:55:57,019 --> 00:55:59,389
Damn! Sir!
958
00:55:59,422 --> 00:56:02,291
-I smell every last single one of 'em.
-Yes, man.
959
00:56:02,324 --> 00:56:05,027
It was like beautiful and
horrible at the same time.
960
00:56:05,059 --> 00:56:07,596
Yes, I've stuck my hands
in some of the nastiest
961
00:56:07,630 --> 00:56:10,000
-bitches' pants all over the world.
-Have you?
962
00:56:10,032 --> 00:56:11,900
Really?
963
00:56:11,902 --> 00:56:13,769
Asia, Malaysia, Congo.
964
00:56:13,802 --> 00:56:15,605
That's Dubai
right there.
965
00:56:15,637 --> 00:56:17,606
I smell the hair.
966
00:56:17,639 --> 00:56:20,409
Touched a bitch booty hole
in Dubai at the airport.
967
00:56:20,442 --> 00:56:22,710
I bet you could probably
spit a lot of game to me.
968
00:56:22,744 --> 00:56:25,146
Let me get a picture
of me and you.
969
00:56:25,181 --> 00:56:27,516
No, no, baby. Just me and him.
Ready? One, two, three.
970
00:56:27,548 --> 00:56:29,150
Niggas!
971
00:56:33,722 --> 00:56:35,490
Where are we going?
972
00:56:37,293 --> 00:56:40,195
-Congratulations, Hannah.
-That's a car.
973
00:56:40,228 --> 00:56:42,097
With a broken window.
974
00:56:42,130 --> 00:56:44,032
Do you like it?
975
00:56:46,469 --> 00:56:48,103
Yeah.
976
00:56:48,135 --> 00:56:50,072
It's... nice.
977
00:56:50,105 --> 00:56:52,373
You know what I went through
to steal this car?
978
00:56:52,407 --> 00:56:55,510
I mean,
the car was a steal.
979
00:56:57,144 --> 00:56:59,248
-Did you just roll your eyes at me?
-No.
980
00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:01,282
Listen, there's only
two things I hate...
981
00:57:01,317 --> 00:57:03,619
When you roll your eyes
at me and Craisins.
982
00:57:03,652 --> 00:57:06,088
Like, what is a Craisin?
983
00:57:06,121 --> 00:57:08,257
It's not a cranberry.
It's not a raisin.
984
00:57:08,289 --> 00:57:11,092
Like, it doesn't
even make sense.
985
00:57:11,126 --> 00:57:12,762
You just rolled
your eyes at me again.
986
00:57:12,795 --> 00:57:14,563
-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did.
987
00:57:14,596 --> 00:57:17,298
I have it on tape. Check this out.
Look at this.
988
00:57:19,402 --> 00:57:23,172
What she doing? She's rolling her eye.
Look at that.
989
00:57:23,206 --> 00:57:24,474
How did you do that?
990
00:57:24,474 --> 00:57:25,742
Come on.
You, with me, now.
991
00:57:25,775 --> 00:57:28,777
Teach you a little lesson about
rolling your eyes. Come on.
992
00:57:35,384 --> 00:57:37,853
Now, do you know why
I'm gonna punish you?
993
00:57:37,885 --> 00:57:40,422
Because you're a sicko
who likes abusing women.
994
00:57:40,456 --> 00:57:44,126
While there may be some truth
to that, that's not the reason.
995
00:57:44,726 --> 00:57:46,494
Because I rolled my eyes.
996
00:57:46,528 --> 00:57:48,565
Bingo.
997
00:57:53,702 --> 00:57:58,275
This is gonna hurt you a whole lot
more than it's gonna hurt me.
998
00:58:04,713 --> 00:58:07,650
Welcome to my world.
999
00:58:07,682 --> 00:58:09,652
God!
1000
00:58:09,684 --> 00:58:11,320
Fuck!
1001
00:58:11,353 --> 00:58:14,490
-That hurt!
-Did you do it?
1002
00:58:17,626 --> 00:58:20,329
Okay, 15 across...
"Winter beverage."
1003
00:58:20,362 --> 00:58:22,530
Nothing? You don't feel nothing?
1004
00:58:23,231 --> 00:58:24,701
I love knitting.
1005
00:58:26,568 --> 00:58:28,871
Aaah.
1006
00:58:30,771 --> 00:58:33,909
Are you gonna spank me? All
this buildup is getting boring.
1007
00:58:33,942 --> 00:58:38,614
Okay, okay, you wanna play? I got
something for you. Excuse me.
1008
00:58:40,916 --> 00:58:42,751
Enough of your games.
1009
00:58:42,784 --> 00:58:45,753
-It's about to get real dark in here.
-Sure.
1010
00:58:47,789 --> 00:58:49,791
Are you gonna find something
that actually works?
1011
00:58:49,824 --> 00:58:52,494
Big brother almighty!
1012
00:58:52,527 --> 00:58:54,630
Whoo!
1013
00:58:56,798 --> 00:59:00,369
That was my
sorority paddle!
1014
00:59:00,402 --> 00:59:03,605
You know, Hannah...
1015
00:59:03,639 --> 00:59:05,507
I didn't wanna have
to do this to you,
1016
00:59:05,539 --> 00:59:07,909
but you've been
a naughty girl.
1017
00:59:12,547 --> 00:59:14,583
Did you break
my fucking stool?
1018
00:59:14,615 --> 00:59:16,518
No.
1019
00:59:17,552 --> 00:59:19,788
I think I'm pretty good
at this.
1020
00:59:24,860 --> 00:59:27,262
I don't...
I don't understand.
1021
00:59:27,295 --> 00:59:29,331
I fucking hit you
with everything.
1022
00:59:29,364 --> 00:59:30,981
I don't get it.
1023
00:59:30,983 --> 00:59:31,599
Don't feel bad.
1024
00:59:31,634 --> 00:59:34,503
I haven't really felt anything down
there since I got my butt implants.
1025
00:59:34,536 --> 00:59:37,673
I'll just... I'll see you back
at my place tomorrow. Yeah.
1026
00:59:55,990 --> 00:59:59,561
When we are in this room,
you do as I say.
1027
01:00:00,496 --> 01:00:01,581
Is that understood?
1028
01:00:01,581 --> 01:00:02,664
Yes.
1029
01:00:02,697 --> 01:00:03,699
Yes who?
1030
01:00:03,699 --> 01:00:04,701
Yes, sir.
1031
01:00:04,733 --> 01:00:06,335
Good girl.
1032
01:00:07,836 --> 01:00:09,438
Hands up.
1033
01:00:22,884 --> 01:00:24,786
Turn around.
1034
01:00:24,818 --> 01:00:26,655
On your knees.
1035
01:00:26,688 --> 01:00:28,324
Stay.
1036
01:00:36,498 --> 01:00:38,766
Don't look at me!
1037
01:00:52,847 --> 01:00:55,251
Raise your hand.
1038
01:01:10,798 --> 01:01:13,467
-Did that hurt?
-No.
1039
01:01:13,501 --> 01:01:18,842
Sometimes the pain
is in your mind.
1040
01:01:35,958 --> 01:01:38,695
Goddamn it! Motherfuck!
1041
01:01:38,728 --> 01:01:42,565
And sometimes the pain
is not in your mind.
1042
01:01:42,597 --> 01:01:45,601
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
1043
01:01:45,634 --> 01:01:47,186
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
1044
01:01:47,186 --> 01:01:48,737
What a jerk.
1045
01:01:48,769 --> 01:01:50,706
Whoo-hoo!
1046
01:01:52,942 --> 01:01:56,445
I have a very important question
to ask you, Miss Steale.
1047
01:01:57,144 --> 01:01:59,414
-Where is bin Laden?
-What?
1048
01:01:59,447 --> 01:02:01,016
Where is bin Laden?
1049
01:02:01,048 --> 01:02:03,885
When was the last time
you saw bin Laden?
1050
01:02:03,918 --> 01:02:06,021
Where is he?
1051
01:02:06,054 --> 01:02:07,956
I don't know!
1052
01:02:07,989 --> 01:02:10,525
He's been dead
for five years!
1053
01:02:10,557 --> 01:02:12,393
I don't keep up
on current events!
1054
01:02:18,000 --> 01:02:20,737
And now
the real torture begins.
1055
01:02:22,438 --> 01:02:25,474
Where were we?
1056
01:02:26,541 --> 01:02:28,710
I can't remember the safe word.
1057
01:02:28,742 --> 01:02:30,846
Chapter 23.
1058
01:02:32,815 --> 01:02:36,552
"It was a cold,
gloomy day in Seattle."
1059
01:02:36,585 --> 01:02:40,523
God, this book is
50 shades of fucking terrible.
1060
01:02:40,556 --> 01:02:43,659
Who wrote this,
a third-grader?
1061
01:02:43,692 --> 01:02:46,429
Please go back
to the water torture thing!
1062
01:02:52,534 --> 01:02:54,436
-What's your safe word?
-Stop it!
1063
01:02:54,469 --> 01:02:55,971
What's your safe word?
1064
01:02:56,005 --> 01:02:57,606
I don't know.
1065
01:02:57,639 --> 01:03:00,041
Please, just...
Are you gonna let me down now?
1066
01:03:00,074 --> 01:03:01,909
Yes, Miss Steale.
1067
01:03:04,612 --> 01:03:07,983
If I could just...
find these keys.
1068
01:03:08,016 --> 01:03:09,585
You don't see the keys?
1069
01:03:09,617 --> 01:03:11,653
No, I know where they are.
I just...
1070
01:03:11,686 --> 01:03:13,922
God, my arms are really
starting to hurt.
1071
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:16,025
I got an idea.
1072
01:03:16,057 --> 01:03:18,661
See, most people use a universal
lock key in their sex dungeons
1073
01:03:18,693 --> 01:03:20,061
for reasons just like this.
1074
01:03:20,096 --> 01:03:24,166
But what you got here is an over-molded
swivel key. That's a custom job.
1075
01:03:24,199 --> 01:03:26,501
You're gonna need somebody
else to take a look at this.
1076
01:03:26,534 --> 01:03:28,135
Yeah, I don't know
what to tell ya.
1077
01:03:28,170 --> 01:03:30,172
Next time, I'd put one
of those tracker app
1078
01:03:30,172 --> 01:03:31,507
things on the key
so you don't lose it.
1079
01:03:31,539 --> 01:03:33,041
-What are they called?
-I know the name.
1080
01:03:33,074 --> 01:03:35,644
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It starts with a "T."
1081
01:03:35,677 --> 01:03:36,695
Maybe T-Temp?
1082
01:03:36,695 --> 01:03:37,711
Tele...
1083
01:03:37,746 --> 01:03:39,681
-Telepathy?
-Hey, dipshits!
1084
01:03:39,713 --> 01:03:43,652
-It's called a Tile.
-Tile! Yeah!
1085
01:03:43,684 --> 01:03:46,554
-Holy shit! You're good.
-You went to college! Hell, yeah!
1086
01:03:46,588 --> 01:03:48,056
Come on, come on!
1087
01:03:48,088 --> 01:03:51,126
I've picked a lot of locks, but
never seen anything like this.
1088
01:03:51,159 --> 01:03:53,494
-Man, it's impressive.
-Thank you.
1089
01:03:53,528 --> 01:03:55,898
Yeah. I got nothing.
Who's next?
1090
01:03:55,931 --> 01:03:58,000
Who's next? What are you
guys, Ocean's Eleven?
1091
01:03:58,032 --> 01:04:00,536
How many more fuckups
you gonna bring in here?
1092
01:04:00,568 --> 01:04:03,505
Stand back!
1093
01:04:03,538 --> 01:04:06,240
On the count of three,
the Great Mysterio
1094
01:04:06,275 --> 01:04:09,110
shall command
these shackles unlocked!
1095
01:04:09,143 --> 01:04:11,813
One! Do not divert your gaze.
1096
01:04:11,846 --> 01:04:14,081
Two! Illusion.
1097
01:04:14,115 --> 01:04:16,751
Three! Mysterio!
1098
01:04:16,784 --> 01:04:18,186
Thank you.
1099
01:04:18,219 --> 01:04:20,054
Yeah, that didn't work.
1100
01:04:20,088 --> 01:04:22,025
-All the locks are still there.
-Nothing happened!
1101
01:04:23,692 --> 01:04:25,961
-I got nothing, guys.
-God. Jesus Christ.
1102
01:04:25,994 --> 01:04:28,829
Speaking of disappearing, I
have a bar mitzvah in one hour.
1103
01:04:28,864 --> 01:04:31,800
Mysterio!
1104
01:04:31,833 --> 01:04:34,568
Damn!
My God!
1105
01:04:41,677 --> 01:04:44,481
This was not in the contract!
1106
01:04:49,284 --> 01:04:51,586
Where are we going?
1107
01:04:51,619 --> 01:04:54,623
To my parents' house.
For dinner.
1108
01:04:54,655 --> 01:04:57,192
-You look lovely.
-Thank you.
1109
01:05:00,193 --> 01:05:02,197
Where did you learn to dance?
1110
01:05:02,230 --> 01:05:05,132
At this little club in Tampa.
1111
01:05:39,101 --> 01:05:40,536
Yeah!
1112
01:05:42,135 --> 01:05:43,704
Whoo!
1113
01:05:46,775 --> 01:05:48,878
Fuck!
1114
01:06:02,625 --> 01:06:04,827
Take it off!
1115
01:07:27,976 --> 01:07:30,278
My God.
He's got a baby dick.
1116
01:07:34,182 --> 01:07:36,751
It's just the lighting!
It's bad lighting!
1117
01:07:36,784 --> 01:07:38,686
It's creating shadow.
1118
01:07:44,726 --> 01:07:46,795
It's not little!
1119
01:07:46,827 --> 01:07:49,063
You're just little people!
1120
01:07:52,867 --> 01:07:55,903
-Hi.
-You made it.
1121
01:07:55,938 --> 01:07:58,074
Hannah!
It's so good to see you.
1122
01:07:58,106 --> 01:07:59,592
Hi.
1123
01:07:59,592 --> 01:08:01,076
Hannah,
this is my dad, Gary.
1124
01:08:01,110 --> 01:08:04,313
Are we ever happy
to meet you, Hannah.
1125
01:08:04,346 --> 01:08:05,880
-Really?
-Yes.
1126
01:08:05,913 --> 01:08:08,215
I was sure
that Christian was gay.
1127
01:08:09,150 --> 01:08:12,221
He's well-groomed,
loves Lady Gaga,
1128
01:08:12,253 --> 01:08:14,789
can't take his eyes off
of Anderson Cooper.
1129
01:08:14,822 --> 01:08:17,192
What kind of Republican
watches CNN?
1130
01:08:17,225 --> 01:08:21,796
Hi! I'm Mai.
It's so nice to meet you.
1131
01:08:21,828 --> 01:08:24,064
I can't believe
you're a Republican.
1132
01:08:24,097 --> 01:08:26,768
That's his deep, dark secret.
1133
01:08:26,801 --> 01:08:28,704
Shall we?
1134
01:08:29,971 --> 01:08:31,806
-I can't believe you're Republican.
-Sorry.
1135
01:08:34,375 --> 01:08:36,277
Mrs. Black,
this food looks amazing.
1136
01:08:36,310 --> 01:08:37,947
Thank you, Hannah.
1137
01:08:37,979 --> 01:08:40,215
Well, it was important to me
that our adopted children
1138
01:08:40,248 --> 01:08:42,885
were exposed to
their native cultures.
1139
01:08:42,917 --> 01:08:46,087
So, for Eli,
I have prepared Balangu.
1140
01:08:46,119 --> 01:08:48,823
It's a spicy goat dish
from Nigeria.
1141
01:08:48,855 --> 01:08:51,127
And for Mai, of course,
we have Peking duck
1142
01:08:51,159 --> 01:08:53,095
from the Mandarin province
of China.
1143
01:08:53,127 --> 01:08:56,030
-I'm Korean.
-Don't be fresh, Mai.
1144
01:08:56,063 --> 01:08:58,900
There are billions
of starving Chinese children
1145
01:08:58,932 --> 01:09:01,168
who need their energy
to make sneakers for Nike.
1146
01:09:01,203 --> 01:09:04,005
And they would kill
for this meal.
1147
01:09:04,038 --> 01:09:07,777
For Christian, of course, we
have fried chicken and Kool-Aid.
1148
01:09:07,810 --> 01:09:10,445
It's a very popular dish
in Detroit, Michigan.
1149
01:09:10,478 --> 01:09:13,515
And your favorite,
of course... hot sauce.
1150
01:09:13,547 --> 01:09:15,250
Mom.
1151
01:09:15,283 --> 01:09:16,319
Thank you.
1152
01:09:16,351 --> 01:09:19,555
So, Hannah, are you interested
in having children?
1153
01:09:21,055 --> 01:09:23,525
Yes, I would,
if I met the right person.
1154
01:09:23,557 --> 01:09:29,264
You have no idea what joy we
have had from having our kids.
1155
01:09:29,297 --> 01:09:32,268
Mai's the one that I...
I worried about the most.
1156
01:09:32,301 --> 01:09:34,168
She was so sweet.
1157
01:09:34,203 --> 01:09:36,037
I mean,
it seemed almost inevitable
1158
01:09:36,069 --> 01:09:38,405
that she'd grow up one day
and run off with Gary
1159
01:09:38,439 --> 01:09:42,177
like that little director fellow... you
know, the one that married Mia Farrow?
1160
01:09:42,210 --> 01:09:45,012
Sweetheart, please stop.
She's our daughter.
1161
01:09:45,046 --> 01:09:47,148
She is a hot
little number though.
1162
01:09:48,548 --> 01:09:53,421
Hannah, I would really recommend
adopting underprivileged children.
1163
01:09:53,453 --> 01:09:57,891
That's really just
so sweet of you, Mrs. Black.
1164
01:09:57,926 --> 01:10:00,895
It is a great conversation
starter at charities.
1165
01:10:00,927 --> 01:10:04,298
-It helps your social standing.
-Give it to me.
1166
01:10:04,332 --> 01:10:06,020
And your vag doesn't
get stretched out
1167
01:10:06,020 --> 01:10:07,837
like an elastic band
at Cirque du Soleil.
1168
01:10:07,869 --> 01:10:09,438
Okay, Mom.
Mom, please.
1169
01:10:09,470 --> 01:10:11,972
There is just nothing
I wouldn't do for my children.
1170
01:10:12,006 --> 01:10:14,609
I even learned
to speak Mandarin for Mai.
1171
01:10:18,045 --> 01:10:21,882
Bang-fung-chow...
1172
01:10:23,417 --> 01:10:26,554
-That's not even a real language.
Hit that bottom!
1173
01:10:26,587 --> 01:10:29,190
So, Hannah,
where is your family from?
1174
01:10:29,222 --> 01:10:32,194
My mom
lives in Georgia.
1175
01:10:32,226 --> 01:10:34,229
Atlanta!
1176
01:10:34,261 --> 01:10:36,463
Then your mom
must be a stripper.
1177
01:10:36,497 --> 01:10:40,301
She actually lives in Savannah,
and she's just a housewife.
1178
01:10:40,333 --> 01:10:42,470
Sure she is, dear.
1179
01:10:42,503 --> 01:10:45,841
I'm gonna go and visit her,
actually, in a few days.
1180
01:10:46,606 --> 01:10:48,342
Drinks anyone? Drinkies?
1181
01:10:48,377 --> 01:10:49,645
I'll have two.
1182
01:10:49,677 --> 01:10:53,046
I'd love to, Mom, but I promised
Hannah I'd show her the estate.
1183
01:10:53,079 --> 01:10:54,615
Homestretch! Yes!
1184
01:10:54,649 --> 01:10:56,085
Excuse us, please.
1185
01:10:56,118 --> 01:10:57,953
It's grocery time.
1186
01:10:57,985 --> 01:11:01,990
It's like
I'm on air right now!
1187
01:11:03,457 --> 01:11:06,060
-How come you didn't tell me about her?
-Who, my mom?
1188
01:11:06,092 --> 01:11:08,296
My God, she has a nickname?
1189
01:11:10,197 --> 01:11:11,682
Do you love her?
1190
01:11:11,684 --> 01:11:13,167
Of course.
She's my mother.
1191
01:11:13,199 --> 01:11:16,304
God! How... How long
has this been going on?
1192
01:11:16,337 --> 01:11:17,939
Since birth.
1193
01:11:17,971 --> 01:11:19,407
Come on.
I can't compete with that.
1194
01:11:19,440 --> 01:11:22,645
Hey, you don't have to compete with it.
You're my boyfriend, she's my mom.
1195
01:11:22,677 --> 01:11:24,390
They're two totally
different relationships.
1196
01:11:24,390 --> 01:11:25,247
No, they're not.
1197
01:11:25,279 --> 01:11:27,248
Okay, Hannah,
you're mine, okay?
1198
01:11:27,280 --> 01:11:31,286
There's no mother, no brother, no
cousins, no second cousin removed,
1199
01:11:31,319 --> 01:11:33,621
no friends that you call cousin
'cause your parents are close.
1200
01:11:33,654 --> 01:11:34,823
There's none of that.
1201
01:11:34,823 --> 01:11:35,990
No play cousins?
1202
01:11:36,023 --> 01:11:37,576
No play cousins.
1203
01:11:37,577 --> 01:11:39,127
Christian, what do you want?
1204
01:11:39,159 --> 01:11:41,561
I want Kevin Hart
not to be in every movie!
1205
01:11:41,595 --> 01:11:43,364
Why? He's hilarious.
1206
01:11:43,396 --> 01:11:45,365
Come on, there's other black actors.
How about them?
1207
01:11:45,399 --> 01:11:46,422
Well, like who?
1208
01:11:46,423 --> 01:11:48,469
It could've been Sam
Jackson in Ride Along.
1209
01:11:48,502 --> 01:11:50,672
Who knows what kind of crazy
wig he would've been wearing.
1210
01:11:50,704 --> 01:11:52,190
I thought you wanted me.
1211
01:11:52,192 --> 01:11:53,676
What do you want,
love letters?
1212
01:11:53,708 --> 01:11:56,278
Hickeys?
Edible Arrangements?
1213
01:11:56,310 --> 01:11:59,047
You know, that's not even real flowers.
It's fucking fruit.
1214
01:11:59,079 --> 01:12:01,048
Yeah, but it's delicious.
1215
01:12:01,082 --> 01:12:02,650
And it's a start, okay?
1216
01:12:02,682 --> 01:12:06,287
And maybe we could advance
to a Tiffany's engagement ring
1217
01:12:06,319 --> 01:12:08,622
and a wedding where we invite
500 of our closest friends,
1218
01:12:08,655 --> 01:12:11,426
and then we have seven kids,
and we live in a big house...
1219
01:12:11,458 --> 01:12:15,430
You had this whole thing
planned out?
1220
01:12:15,462 --> 01:12:18,131
You know, is it me
or is it hot in here? Shit.
1221
01:12:18,164 --> 01:12:20,234
You want me to be
somebody that I'm not.
1222
01:12:20,266 --> 01:12:22,270
No, no, it's not me
that's changing you.
1223
01:12:22,302 --> 01:12:24,471
It's you
that's changing me.
1224
01:12:24,505 --> 01:12:27,475
Wait a minute. That's a line
from the movie Radio.
1225
01:12:28,641 --> 01:12:30,145
-No, it's not.
-Yeah, yeah.
1226
01:12:30,177 --> 01:12:32,315
The movie with Cuba
Gooding Jr. where he
1227
01:12:32,317 --> 01:12:34,350
played this mentally
disabled athlete.
1228
01:12:34,382 --> 01:12:38,252
"It's not us that's teaching Radio.
It's Radio that's teaching us."
1229
01:12:38,284 --> 01:12:39,671
Nah,
mine is way different.
1230
01:12:39,671 --> 01:12:41,055
It's the same premise.
1231
01:12:41,087 --> 01:12:43,056
You complete me?
1232
01:12:43,090 --> 01:12:45,460
Jerry Maguire,
also starring Cuba Gooding Jr.
1233
01:12:45,493 --> 01:12:48,496
I don't understand
your whole fixation on him.
1234
01:12:48,529 --> 01:12:52,434
You know, all this time I thought
I wasn't in the right place,
1235
01:12:52,466 --> 01:12:54,469
but I was!
1236
01:12:54,502 --> 01:12:56,137
That's Snow Dogs.
1237
01:12:56,170 --> 01:12:59,507
Goddamn it! I gotta stop
bingeing on Netflix.
1238
01:13:00,341 --> 01:13:01,377
Hannah!
1239
01:13:20,529 --> 01:13:22,697
That song sounds so sad.
1240
01:13:22,730 --> 01:13:25,600
Not as sad as Luther Vandross's
"Dance With My Father."
1241
01:13:25,632 --> 01:13:29,270
God, that song tears me up.
1242
01:13:29,302 --> 01:13:32,707
Every time I hear it, I just
wanna go, "Where's my daddy?"
1243
01:13:32,739 --> 01:13:35,243
Christian, we have to talk.
1244
01:13:35,275 --> 01:13:37,162
You mean
like white people?
1245
01:13:37,162 --> 01:13:39,046
What's wrong with that?
1246
01:13:39,079 --> 01:13:41,515
Well, they just
talk a lot, you know?
1247
01:13:41,548 --> 01:13:43,384
They do it differently
than black people do.
1248
01:13:43,417 --> 01:13:45,654
White people don't like to argue.
They like to discuss.
1249
01:13:45,686 --> 01:13:48,590
Then they start throwing
around all these big SAT words
1250
01:13:48,622 --> 01:13:51,326
and putting a lot of emotional
guilt on each other.
1251
01:13:51,359 --> 01:13:54,095
It's just too much to deal with.
I like it the black way.
1252
01:13:54,128 --> 01:13:55,530
You know,
where we curse each other out.
1253
01:13:55,563 --> 01:13:57,731
We may fight,
and then we get cool again,
1254
01:13:57,765 --> 01:13:59,672
but we talk behind
each other's back like,
1255
01:13:59,673 --> 01:14:01,402
"No, I ain't fuckin'
with that bitch."
1256
01:14:01,435 --> 01:14:03,404
-But what you not gonna do...
-What you not gonna do...
1257
01:14:03,436 --> 01:14:05,273
-What you not...
-You not about to "not" me!
1258
01:14:05,306 --> 01:14:06,792
Don't let me get
to clappin', boo.
1259
01:14:06,792 --> 01:14:08,277
Hell, no.
1260
01:14:08,310 --> 01:14:10,610
See? That's...
That's communication.
1261
01:14:10,645 --> 01:14:13,081
I feel better already.
1262
01:14:13,847 --> 01:14:15,132
Christian.
1263
01:14:15,134 --> 01:14:16,417
Hey!
1264
01:14:24,458 --> 01:14:27,429
You're not upset because I haven't
signed the contract yet, are you?
1265
01:14:27,462 --> 01:14:30,431
I mean, it's not even legally
enforceable. You know that, right?
1266
01:14:30,463 --> 01:14:33,467
What's important here
are the rules.
1267
01:14:33,502 --> 01:14:35,735
And if you break them,
you should be punished.
1268
01:14:35,770 --> 01:14:37,189
How are you gonna punish me?
1269
01:14:37,189 --> 01:14:38,606
First off,
you'll get grounded.
1270
01:14:38,639 --> 01:14:41,375
I'll make you stand
in a corner for an hour.
1271
01:14:41,408 --> 01:14:44,679
Then I will send you to your room
without no supper, young lady.
1272
01:14:44,712 --> 01:14:48,317
Christian, this is crazy.
Why do you need to punish me?
1273
01:14:48,350 --> 01:14:50,585
Because I'm 51 shades
of fucked up!
1274
01:14:52,253 --> 01:14:55,724
You know, I'm five-four
seconds from wildin'.
1275
01:14:55,756 --> 01:14:57,859
I got three filets
for fryin'.
1276
01:14:57,891 --> 01:15:02,195
I got 99 problems,
but now a bitch is one!
1277
01:15:02,229 --> 01:15:04,865
That's a hundred problems,
Hannah.
1278
01:15:04,899 --> 01:15:09,203
I can only deal with so much.
Ninety-nine's fine.
1279
01:15:09,235 --> 01:15:12,372
A hundred just...
I can't even count that far.
1280
01:15:12,940 --> 01:15:14,342
Okay.
1281
01:15:15,543 --> 01:15:19,614
Then you show me the worst.
I wanna see how bad it can get.
1282
01:15:19,646 --> 01:15:22,884
No more of this pussy-ass punishment
you've been doling out thus far.
1283
01:15:22,917 --> 01:15:24,587
I wanna go all the way.
1284
01:15:26,753 --> 01:15:29,390
Is that something
that you think you can do?
1285
01:15:33,761 --> 01:15:35,296
Yes.
1286
01:15:35,796 --> 01:15:37,532
Bend over.
1287
01:15:59,787 --> 01:16:04,426
Nothin' says ass whuppin'
like good ol' Joe Jackson.
1288
01:16:05,426 --> 01:16:06,694
Hannah?
1289
01:16:07,962 --> 01:16:11,667
I'm gonna spank you six times.
1290
01:16:12,801 --> 01:16:15,670
I need you to count with me.
1291
01:16:19,975 --> 01:16:23,677
Goddamn it, motherfucker!
1292
01:16:23,712 --> 01:16:26,646
I said count with me.
1293
01:16:26,680 --> 01:16:28,548
One!
1294
01:16:28,582 --> 01:16:29,784
Two!
1295
01:16:29,817 --> 01:16:31,418
Jesus!
1296
01:16:31,453 --> 01:16:33,588
It hurts so bad,
I can't keep count.
1297
01:16:33,621 --> 01:16:35,957
-Where were we?
-I don't know.
1298
01:16:35,989 --> 01:16:37,824
Goddamn it, Hannah!
1299
01:16:37,859 --> 01:16:41,563
I don't know how to count, okay? My
crackhead mother never taught me.
1300
01:16:42,596 --> 01:16:45,000
How about this?
Let's try in Spanish.
1301
01:16:45,032 --> 01:16:46,967
-Spanish?
-Sí.
1302
01:16:47,002 --> 01:16:49,637
Tres.
1303
01:16:49,670 --> 01:16:51,905
Cuatro.
1304
01:16:51,939 --> 01:16:56,511
I'm not too sure, but I think
cinco comes after tres.
1305
01:16:56,543 --> 01:16:59,547
Are you kidding me?
Cuatro comes after tres.
1306
01:16:59,579 --> 01:17:02,315
Well, don't get mad at me.
I don't know Spanish.
1307
01:17:02,350 --> 01:17:04,284
Look, my crackhead
mother never taught
1308
01:17:04,286 --> 01:17:06,319
me how to count or
how to speak spanish.
1309
01:17:06,353 --> 01:17:08,021
-Now we gotta start from scratch.
-No!
1310
01:17:10,324 --> 01:17:12,493
ĄAy!
1311
01:17:18,032 --> 01:17:19,734
Hoo!
1312
01:17:19,766 --> 01:17:21,935
Hoo. Whoo!
1313
01:17:21,969 --> 01:17:24,337
I am tired.
1314
01:17:24,371 --> 01:17:26,574
God, that is exhausting.
1315
01:17:26,606 --> 01:17:29,645
I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
1316
01:17:29,677 --> 01:17:32,347
Come on. Let's get you up.
1317
01:17:33,047 --> 01:17:36,350
-Don't touch me!
-What... Hey!
1318
01:17:36,382 --> 01:17:39,420
Does it make you happy
to see me like this?
1319
01:17:39,453 --> 01:17:42,890
I mean, not really.
You look like a sad Gollum.
1320
01:17:42,922 --> 01:17:46,761
You's all bent over, and you're crying.
You look a little crazy.
1321
01:17:46,793 --> 01:17:49,764
-Come on, don't hate me.
-Hate you?
1322
01:17:49,797 --> 01:17:51,600
I loathe you.
1323
01:17:51,632 --> 01:17:55,002
That's... that's a thesaurus
word right there.
1324
01:17:55,034 --> 01:17:58,572
I hate you the way
black people hate cops.
1325
01:17:58,605 --> 01:18:01,909
I hate you the way
Republicans hate Obamacare.
1326
01:18:01,942 --> 01:18:02,976
Baby, come on now.
1327
01:18:03,011 --> 01:18:07,782
I hate you the way Kanye West
hates everybody else!
1328
01:18:07,815 --> 01:18:10,051
Well, I'm kind of with him
on Taylor Swift.
1329
01:18:10,083 --> 01:18:11,953
What is that bitch
singin' about?
1330
01:18:11,985 --> 01:18:14,922
You will never
do that to me again.
1331
01:18:14,954 --> 01:18:16,657
You said it was cool.
1332
01:18:16,690 --> 01:18:20,429
I know niggas, grimy niggas
who do not value themselves,
1333
01:18:20,462 --> 01:18:24,065
and they will have no problem coming
down here to fuck your little ass up!
1334
01:18:24,097 --> 01:18:25,801
Slow it up now.
1335
01:18:25,833 --> 01:18:27,636
Just one "Cuckoo!"
1336
01:18:27,668 --> 01:18:32,541
And they will swoop down on you
like pigeons on old garlic bread.
1337
01:18:32,573 --> 01:18:34,842
You can't be cuckooin'
on this mo'fuck!
1338
01:18:34,875 --> 01:18:37,311
You gotta calm them niggas down.
1339
01:18:37,712 --> 01:18:39,579
You know what?
1340
01:18:41,047 --> 01:18:42,649
Let's try something else.
1341
01:18:44,418 --> 01:18:47,021
This is cute.
I get it. A little role play.
1342
01:18:47,054 --> 01:18:49,590
It's cute. Handcuffs. All right.
1343
01:18:49,623 --> 01:18:52,127
You thought you were gonna
do this shit to me?
1344
01:18:52,159 --> 01:18:53,962
You messed with the wrong bitch.
1345
01:18:53,994 --> 01:18:55,296
You sound angry.
1346
01:18:55,328 --> 01:19:00,568
This is for Kerry Washington
from D-jango Unchained!-!
1347
01:19:00,601 --> 01:19:04,538
It's fucking... That is "Django"!
The "D" is silent!
1348
01:19:04,570 --> 01:19:09,377
This is for Lupita Nyong'o
in Twelve Years a Slave!
1349
01:19:09,409 --> 01:19:12,445
Goddamn it!
1350
01:19:12,479 --> 01:19:14,481
It stings so bad.
1351
01:19:14,515 --> 01:19:16,417
All she wanted was some soap!
1352
01:19:16,449 --> 01:19:19,686
Even antibacterial soap!
1353
01:19:19,720 --> 01:19:23,423
-This is for Denzel Washington.
-Wait, he's not even a woman.
1354
01:19:23,457 --> 01:19:26,728
-You just getting crazy.
-But they made him cry in Glory.
1355
01:19:26,761 --> 01:19:29,764
Who makes Denzel Washington
cry? Nobody!
1356
01:19:29,797 --> 01:19:33,001
You talkin' 'bout like this?
See, look. I have a Glory tear.
1357
01:19:33,033 --> 01:19:34,842
If it wasn't for
Denzel Washington,
1358
01:19:34,844 --> 01:19:36,837
Flight would've been
a fucking Soul Plane!
1359
01:19:36,869 --> 01:19:37,871
Shit!
1360
01:19:37,904 --> 01:19:41,743
Why the fuck did they make
Soul Plane anyway?
1361
01:19:41,775 --> 01:19:46,148
And this is for the little white
girl in Fifty Shades of Grey!
1362
01:19:46,180 --> 01:19:49,150
Johnson! Dakota Johnson.
1363
01:19:49,182 --> 01:19:51,185
She had to be naked
the whole fucking movie?
1364
01:19:51,217 --> 01:19:53,087
That shit was just gratuitous!
1365
01:19:56,789 --> 01:19:58,125
Whoo! Yes!
1366
01:19:58,126 --> 01:19:59,460
It burns! It burns!
1367
01:19:59,493 --> 01:20:02,163
It feels like someone
lit my ass on fire!
1368
01:20:02,195 --> 01:20:03,831
God, it hurts!
1369
01:20:05,798 --> 01:20:10,171
-We done?
-No, nigga, no. We not finished yet!
1370
01:20:10,203 --> 01:20:12,739
We not finished
with you yet, nigga!
1371
01:20:12,773 --> 01:20:14,176
What? Where you goin' with this?
1372
01:20:14,208 --> 01:20:17,511
I'm about to get
medieval on your ass.
1373
01:20:17,543 --> 01:20:19,913
Welcome to my world,
motherfucker.
1374
01:20:23,217 --> 01:20:26,755
God!
1375
01:20:30,123 --> 01:20:31,960
God!
1376
01:20:34,094 --> 01:20:37,832
This hurts so much.
1377
01:20:37,864 --> 01:20:40,533
I wish I'd died.
1378
01:20:40,567 --> 01:20:43,069
Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
Don't touch it!
1379
01:20:43,103 --> 01:20:44,805
It's tickling.
1380
01:20:44,837 --> 01:20:47,542
Christian,
I thought you'd like it.
1381
01:20:47,574 --> 01:20:49,077
What's there to like?
1382
01:20:49,109 --> 01:20:51,846
What kind of sick pervert
1383
01:20:51,878 --> 01:20:55,548
beats you for their
own enjoyment?
1384
01:20:55,582 --> 01:20:59,954
Christian, you don't want
somebody like me.
1385
01:20:59,987 --> 01:21:02,523
Exactly what I want.
1386
01:21:03,789 --> 01:21:07,060
A broke college graduate
with a liberal arts degree
1387
01:21:07,094 --> 01:21:08,962
and no future prospects.
1388
01:21:11,265 --> 01:21:12,900
That's exactly
what I want.
1389
01:21:12,932 --> 01:21:16,804
Christian, I've fallen head
over heels in love with you.
1390
01:21:18,872 --> 01:21:20,609
Slow it up.
1391
01:21:20,641 --> 01:21:22,877
That is not
in the contract.
1392
01:21:22,909 --> 01:21:26,247
Like, it specifically says...
And I quote...
1393
01:21:26,279 --> 01:21:28,748
"Bitch don't love a nigga."
1394
01:21:28,782 --> 01:21:30,985
Okay?
And I double-bolded that.
1395
01:21:31,018 --> 01:21:34,054
I knew I should've
had you sign this contract.
1396
01:21:34,087 --> 01:21:37,993
Christian, I think it'd
be best if you leave.
1397
01:21:38,025 --> 01:21:39,961
Get out!
1398
01:21:39,993 --> 01:21:43,097
Fine. You want me to leave? You want
me to leave? Fine. I will leave!
1399
01:21:43,130 --> 01:21:44,864
Okay. Wait. Time-out.
1400
01:21:44,898 --> 01:21:47,101
Um, I live here.
1401
01:21:47,134 --> 01:21:49,703
Shouldn't you be the one leaving?
Am I wrong?
1402
01:21:50,938 --> 01:21:53,274
Take an umbrella 'cause...
1403
01:21:53,306 --> 01:21:55,743
Bitch, it's raining.
1404
01:21:59,313 --> 01:22:00,814
I need my car back.
1405
01:22:00,815 --> 01:22:02,315
I already sold
that piece of shit.
1406
01:22:02,350 --> 01:22:04,085
I'll send you
a check for $37.
1407
01:22:04,086 --> 01:22:05,819
That is way below Blue Book.
1408
01:22:07,354 --> 01:22:10,157
Wait, Hannah.
1409
01:22:10,190 --> 01:22:11,960
Christian,
you have to let me go.
1410
01:22:11,993 --> 01:22:14,161
-Please, listen to me.
-No, you listen to me.
1411
01:22:14,194 --> 01:22:17,231
You'll find someone,
somebody who wants to be open
1412
01:22:17,264 --> 01:22:19,868
to all the demeaning things
that you wanna do to them.
1413
01:22:19,900 --> 01:22:22,636
-Hannah!
-Christian.
1414
01:22:24,136 --> 01:22:25,672
-Ew.
-God!
1415
01:22:33,846 --> 01:22:37,885
How is he gonna love you?
He doesn't even love himself!
1416
01:22:37,918 --> 01:22:41,789
Did... you... see...
his... haircut, girl?
1417
01:22:41,822 --> 01:22:46,060
How could you think
this was gonna end well?
1418
01:22:48,362 --> 01:22:50,364
Never look back.
1419
01:22:56,670 --> 01:22:58,872
-Christian.
-Hannah.
1420
01:23:00,140 --> 01:23:03,645
While running down
47 flights of stairs,
1421
01:23:03,677 --> 01:23:06,014
I had plenty of time to think.
1422
01:23:06,046 --> 01:23:08,488
And when I passed
out on the 23rd floor,
1423
01:23:08,489 --> 01:23:10,118
I realized I owed
you an apology.
1424
01:23:10,150 --> 01:23:12,820
I just wanna say I'm sorry
for the way I treated you,
1425
01:23:12,853 --> 01:23:14,788
especially for the whole
waterboarding thing.
1426
01:23:14,820 --> 01:23:17,859
Turns out, you were right
about bin Laden.
1427
01:23:17,891 --> 01:23:19,109
Who knew?
1428
01:23:19,110 --> 01:23:20,328
Everyone.
1429
01:23:20,360 --> 01:23:22,697
You hurt me, Christian.
1430
01:23:22,729 --> 01:23:25,065
I know,
but I have softer whips.
1431
01:23:25,097 --> 01:23:27,868
You know the kind
with the pink fur on it?
1432
01:23:27,900 --> 01:23:29,302
It takes the sting off.
1433
01:23:29,304 --> 01:23:30,703
That's not
what I'm talking about.
1434
01:23:30,737 --> 01:23:32,021
You want romance.
1435
01:23:32,023 --> 01:23:33,306
I deserve it.
1436
01:23:33,340 --> 01:23:36,844
Well, what's more romantic than
running down 47 flights of stairs?
1437
01:23:36,877 --> 01:23:39,113
-You know I pulled a hamstring?
-Did you die?
1438
01:23:39,145 --> 01:23:42,181
No, but that's gonna keep me out of
the Red Room for at least a week.
1439
01:23:42,215 --> 01:23:45,052
-Bye, bitch.
-Okay, okay.
1440
01:23:45,085 --> 01:23:47,253
-Hannah, wait, wait. Hannah.
-No, Christian.
1441
01:23:47,287 --> 01:23:49,923
You are incapable of having
a normal relationship.
1442
01:23:49,956 --> 01:23:51,859
I know,
but I'm trying, okay?
1443
01:23:51,891 --> 01:23:54,694
I want to be like that old man
whose wife has Alzheimer's,
1444
01:23:54,728 --> 01:23:56,481
and he wakes up every
day and he tells her
1445
01:23:56,483 --> 01:23:58,032
the story about
their lives together,
1446
01:23:58,065 --> 01:24:00,068
and then they take a nap,
but they don't wake up...
1447
01:24:00,100 --> 01:24:01,720
because they're dead.
1448
01:24:01,720 --> 01:24:03,337
That's The Notebook.
1449
01:24:03,369 --> 01:24:07,373
That's the one with Ryan Gosling and
the girl with the big-ass forehead?
1450
01:24:07,407 --> 01:24:08,574
He never forgot her.
1451
01:24:08,576 --> 01:24:10,911
You don't even like
Nicholas Sparks movies.
1452
01:24:10,944 --> 01:24:13,280
I used to hate them,
but now I love 'em.
1453
01:24:13,313 --> 01:24:15,282
Even The Last Song.
1454
01:24:15,315 --> 01:24:19,286
Why was that even a movie?
You know that wasn't even a book?
1455
01:24:19,319 --> 01:24:22,023
If I'm gonna give you another chance,
things have to be different.
1456
01:24:22,055 --> 01:24:24,158
I know.
1457
01:24:24,190 --> 01:24:26,761
I have something very important
I wanna tell you.
1458
01:24:28,194 --> 01:24:30,264
I lo...
1459
01:24:31,131 --> 01:24:33,201
I lo...
1460
01:24:33,234 --> 01:24:37,304
I... I...
1461
01:24:37,337 --> 01:24:39,373
Ia-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
1462
01:24:39,405 --> 01:24:42,208
What I'm trying to say is,
I love...
1463
01:24:43,409 --> 01:24:45,445
Empire.
1464
01:24:45,479 --> 01:24:48,882
That Cookie just says
the craziest things.
1465
01:24:48,914 --> 01:24:50,150
Okay.
1466
01:24:51,384 --> 01:24:53,020
I love you.
1467
01:24:53,886 --> 01:24:55,855
I knew you loved me.
1468
01:25:06,100 --> 01:25:09,203
I have one last surprise for you, but
you're gonna have to pack a bag.
1469
01:25:10,671 --> 01:25:14,007
Are we gonna go on your private jet?
My God. What kind of jet is it?
1470
01:25:14,039 --> 01:25:15,842
No, don't tell me.
I wanna be surprised.
1471
01:25:22,315 --> 01:25:25,353
I can't believe you thought I
would take you on a private jet.
1472
01:25:25,386 --> 01:25:28,222
I love you and all, but you
don't even have a ring yet.
1473
01:26:27,881 --> 01:26:29,884
Hey, baby,
it ain't no thing, man.
1474
01:26:29,917 --> 01:26:31,819
We just out here winning
'cause they losing, man.
1475
01:26:31,851 --> 01:26:34,887
They goin' broke tryin' to pay
attention. You know what I mean?
1476
01:26:34,921 --> 01:26:36,590
It's what it is.
108200
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
