All language subtitles for 2wwsadscx

Jerry Lewis in

"The family Jewels"

Donna Butterworth

Written

Prod & Dir

***

Mousie, what's all the racket
out there? Take a look.

It's a bunch of kids playing baseball.
Little kids.

Here it comes.

Hey, did you see a ball?

Oh, there it is!

You're out!

All right, all right. All right, yes,
it was Very nice, and you're wonderful.

But if you don't please
take that mask off,

- you're gonna break my whole head.
- Oh.

Willard, you're my real hero.
You're just the greatest.

- No, you were the best.
- No, no, no, you.

No, you were. What's the difference?
We're late, and we haVe to get going.

Oh, Willard, can't they wait?

No, not this time, darling.
It's Very important. Now, come on.

- I know.
- Start unwinding. Let's go.

Today was the best game, I think,
of all the games, don't you?

Sure.

Yeah, I liked it the best too.
All right, down you go.

Come on, honey,
we don't want to be late.

OK, I'm hurrying.

Buttons, buttons.

There you are.

Get your gloVes, honey.

Don't forget, pants.

After you.

You're looking diVine, Miss Peyton.

Thank you, Willard.
You're not so bad yourself.

A 10-year-old girl
has got to pick a new father

from a group of fiVe nutty uncles.

They are not nutty.

Eccentric, maybe.

Why don't you relax.
After all, it was his last wish.

Let's respect it and get on with it.

Now, I haVe prepared some brochures
on each one of the nutty uncles.

On each one of the uncles.

The information
should giVe us some idea

of what we expect from each one.

- What about the money?
- What about it?

He left her $30 million.

People can do funny things
for $30 million. EVen brothers.

We shall be quite Vigilant.

I find it hard to believe
that any one of her uncles

would try to become her father
just to get the money.

That gangster uncle,
the one nobody ever talks about,

he'd boil her in oil
for a roll of nickels.

Uncle Bugsy is quite dead.

Missing.

They didn't find the body.

And if my early law-school training
hasn't failed me,

that makes him missing.

Bodies don't float when encased
in cement!

That was only police speculation.

The police were after him,
which was bad enough.

But the mob was also after him
for his remarkable singing ability.

And that's almost as dead
as you can get right there.

In addition to which,
they found his bullet-riddled

and bloodstained car by the riVer.

Now, you can call that missing
if you want. I call it deceased.

Period!

- Yes?
- Willard and Donna are here.

Send them in.

What under the sun are you doing?

The girl lost her father.
Don't we show a little respect?

It's been months.

She's been at boarding school
with her friends

and is quite used to the idea by now.
Take that thing off.

You might be right.

He bumped in...

Wait, I'll...

SaVe it for later.

We could get it weaVed.

They're hard to smoke
when they're wet, so...

If you let it out...
If you wanna saVe that part...

Here, I'll take it all.

Are you mad? Yeah. He's mad.

I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Lyman.

Where you two been? You're late.

- Eating. Shopping.
- Shopping. Eating.

- Who won?
- We did.

Willard jumped the fence
and got the ball and...

- How did you know?
- Never mind how I know.

I guess you'll be glad to be out
of school for the summer, right?

Yeah, I'm Very glad
about it because...

I was talking to Donna!

Yes, I am Very happy to be
out of school for the summer,

and I am looking forward
to meeting my new father.

Very good, sweetheart.

I'm glad you're glad
to be looking forward

to meeting your new father.

Well, Donna, I've taken care of all
of the details, and I see no reason

why you and Willard
can't get started right away.

I think all of us
know exactly how you feel,

and your happiness in this matter
is our number-one concern.

Willard.

I will remind you once again.

Donna is to spend two weeks
with each of her uncles, alone.

I don't want you
influencing her decision.

Oh, I understand. All right.

Now, I've prepared a brief history
on each of your uncles.

Willard can read them to you
as you go along.

You can read, Willard, can't you?

Very funny.

Well, I merely thought
since you hadn't mastered

the difficult task
of dressing yourself...

...reading might even become
a bigger problem.

Well, I was in a hurry.

If I may continue.

Now, remember, Donna,

you will haVe to decide
on one of these men.

It was your father's wish that you
haVe some choice in the matter.

I know that you'll make the right one.

Willard?

Yes, honey.

I meant to ask you. Why did
we haVe to stop at a hotel tonight?

Well, we couldn't driVe all night, honey.
We haVe to get some sleep.

Oh, are you going
to play some music?

Oh, yeah, I'm going to play
some music.

- Good, I like music.
- Good, you'll like bed too,

because you haVe a Very big day
ahead of you tomorrow.

Oh, Willard.

Teeth.

Ears.

Neck.

Hands.

Lips.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Scoot, scoot.

Willard, you're a hero.

I'm what?

It says here, right in the paper.
In this paper right here.

Let me see.

It says all about how you fought
a bunch of robbers

in Halloween masks
who were trying to rob a bank truck.

Yeah, I see. Some hero.
I didn't even know it.

And it's a good thing.

If I did, I would haVe been scared.

Hey, there's something
about you here, honey.

Really? Something about me?

Yeah, listen. " Industrialist's daughter
to pick new father.

"Donna Peyton,
daughter and sole heir

"of the late Lloyd C. Peyton,
millionaire industrialist,

"is about to Visit
the first of her fiVe uncles

"for the purpose of picking
a new father from among them."

"The fiVe uncles, who are located
in all parts of the country,

"will haVe a chance
to get to know the little girl.

"She'll spend two weeks apiece
with them.

"She'll be accompanied
on her journey

"by the family chauffeur
and bodyguard."

That creep!

Well, young lady, I suppose
you'll want to know all about me

and what I do and think
and all of that blarney, huh?

Oh, no, sir.
I already know all about you.

- You do, huh?
- Captain, boilers are OK.

...at eight bells.

Hey there, fasten that mainsail
and batten down the...

- How do you know about me?
- Willard told me all about you.

Hoolard?

No, Willard. The man
who brought me here.

You see, he has this folder
with things in it about all my uncles.

And he's smart too.

You... You like him a lot, huh?

Like Willard? I loVe him.

I wish he was one of my uncles.
I'd pick him for my father.

I see.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings,
Uncle James. I like you too.

Maybe you'll be my father.
Who knows?

Yeah. Who knows?

Maybe you wouldn't even want
to be my father.

Oh, matey. Sure!
I'd loVe to be your father.

But this is no place for a...

...a little girl.

Gets awful rough and dangerous
out here sometimes.

Dangerous?

Yeah, but not like the old days,

like the days of war.

- Were you in the war?
- Yeah, I was in the war.

Oh, them were the good old days.

Could you tell me about some
of the things that happened to you?

Well, there was this one incident
during the early days of the war

on a North Atlantic run.

Our gallant ship took a torpedo
just below the water line

in a hold full of high explosiVes.

But due to a faulty fuse,
it failed to explode.

Being the only qualified man
to handle such a task,

I shoved my fellow sailors aside
and informed my beloved chief

that I, and I alone, would volunteer.

He smiled warmly.

I pointed out that this was
one of the new Mark 9s

with an inverted coaxer,
and that removing it was a job

for an experienced man
with nerves of steel.

With a knowing grin,

the chief handed me
my trusty toolbox.

However, my buddies
couldn't let me do it.

They insisted on staying on with me.
However, I stood firm.

And so reluctantly and silently,
they walked out of that hold

to the comparative safety
of another part of the ship.

I bent to the task of removing
that delicate fuse.

The tools became literal extensions
of my surgeon-like hands.

"Dexterity" became a watchword.
The ticking continued.

How long did I have? A minute?

Suddenly, something gave.

A small door.

And then a discovery.

A small one...

... but important.

It was a Russian torpedo.

Now, at last, I was on somewhat
more familiar ground.

I suddenly felt
the ticking mechanism,

and while holding
the igniting lanyard screw,

removed it from
its destructive housing.

The ticking became louder,
but I was confident

that victory was not far off.

If I could get that fuse
safely out of the hold,

where my buddies
could throw it overboard,

the torpedo would be harmless.

Of course, there was a small charge
of explosives in the fuse itself,

but no real damage
could be done by that

once it was separated
from the torpedo.

Carefully, I carried it up to the hatch...

... and after looking briefly
for the other men...

... I put it in a safe and obvious place,
where they would be sure to find it.

I debated for a moment as to whether
I shouldn't warn them

that they may not have
too much time to get rid of it...

... but then decided
that would be unnecessary.

Besides, as I said, it contained
only a small charge.

I couldn't help thinking
of the happiness and relief

that must be running through the ship
at this very moment.

They had surely found
the fuse by now

and would be running
to congratulate me.

I didn't have long to wait.

There they were.

And I shall never forget
the looks of respect

and admiration on their faces.

That's about all there is to it, child.

There was some leakage,

but I managed to clean it up
with a sponge and some rags.

EVery time I...

I think of it...

...I liVe through it all oVer again.

It's just the most braVest thing
I've ever heard.

Well, thank you, child.

Wow, everything's so big.

And you know something, Uncle Jim?

There's a man looking at me.

Let me see, dear. Oh, hold me.

There's no one there now.

Well, he was there
just a second ago.

Never mind, Carl, I can get it.

How are you, Carl?

Where's your little girlfriend, Willard?

She's spending some time
with one of her uncles.

- I kind of miss her too.
- I'll bet you do.

Oh, Willard, do me a little faVor,
will you?

Yeah, sure thing. What is it?

- What is it, Carl?
- Oh.

Well, there haVen't been three cars
in here all morning.

Watch the place while I run
down to the bank, will you?

Sure, I'd be glad to.

I doubt if you'll haVe any customers,
the way things haVe been,

but just in case,
here's the key to the cashbox.

I'll be back in about ten minutes.

Yeah, all right, fine. Take your time,
Carl. I'll take care of everything.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, young man, would you mind
putting some water in the storage tank

right there on the side, please?

The water for that
is right oVer in this area.

If you'll just bring it... Cut it, cut it.
Bring it around.

You're going in that area. That's it.
That's the area. That's... Straight.

Bring it in. Go to your right.
Go to... Go to your right.

That's it. Cut it in. Cut it in.
That's good.

Cut it! Perfect. Perfect. Right there.
That's perfect.

That was pretty close, the way you...

Hey, kid, where's Carl?

I... Oh, he had to go to the bank for a
few minutes, but he'll be right back.

His tank has gotta be empty.
I missed one day last week.

Yeah. It should be empty, then.

He droVe right up...

...and came close.

Young man,
would you be good enough

to get us about six bottles
of Bubble Up, please?

- Yeah, I'd be Very happy to.
- Thank you.

You're welcome. Watch my cans.

Yes, sir!

Young man, I think it's about time
I changed my oil.

I think you could stand
a complete physical.

No, I mean my car.

Oh, yeah. Well, I was fooling.

Yes, fine. Well, I'll change the oil.

I'll take it in on a rack
and change it for you.

Oh, fine. And you be Very, Very careful
of this car, young man.

I've never put a scratch on it.

And there better not be one
when I get back either.

Oh, no, I'll take Very good care
of everything.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome, I'm sure.

I'll take... Don't worry about it.

Anything.

I'll take care of it.

I'll be right there
with your Bubble Up!

All right, I'm coming!
Hold your horses!

I... Could I ex?
Well, I'd like to explain.

What ha... You see, it's really... It's not
as bad as it might... You imagine.

You see, you can shine it,
and this really makes it sparkle.

I... I... I... I... I...

Well, you might need
seat coVers, but...

You liked Uncle James, didn't you?

I certainly did.
He would make a fine father.

Hey, it's a little early for decisions.
We've got a few to go yet.

We won't go anywhere unless...

I'm getting used to wearing them
this way. It's good, let it...

Well, go ahead, read it honey.

"EVerett Peyton, age 49. Ran away
from home when he was 16 years old.

"He's been with Caffey
and Brown Circus 33 years.

"Occupation, clown.

"No wife. No kids."

I met your Uncle EVerett, honey.

One night when I had to driVe
your Daddy to haVe dinner with him.

What did you think of him?

Well, I can't say. Remember,
I'm not supposed to influence you.

It's OK, Willard.

Gee, to haVe a clown for my father.
What fun.

I'll haVe my Very own circus.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is it. Now, don't forget
everything I told you.

You brush your teeth every morning,
brush your hair every day,

- and you gotta...
- Oh, Willard.

You sound like an old mother hen.
I know how to take care of myself.

Yes, I know, sweetheart. OK.

Now, remember, I'll pick you up
in Oakland in two weeks.

You be a good girl
and haVe a good time

and look him oVer Very carefully.

Remember, he could be
your future father.

- Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Goodbye, Willard.

What about my kiss?

- Fresh.
- You silly.

Well, peasants, this is it.

No more makeup.

No more ghastly one-nighters.

Best of all, no more squealing brats.

This time tomorrow night,
I shall be on my way to Switzerland.

Switzerland?

I don't understand. I'm curious.
Why Switzerland, EVerett?

Boy...

...l'll tell you why.

Because while you creeps were busy
squandering your money,

I was putting mine in Swiss banks,

looking for the day
when I might choose to retire.

That day has come.

And I don't haVe to listen to those
squealing brats the rest of my life.

Those brats, as far as I'm concerned,
are the reason for existing.

Hooray for you, sucker.

And as far as I'm concerned,

those brats were nothing
but a means to an end.

And I'm there now,
or at least I will be in a few days.

Oh, you'll be back. You'll miss
your country, if nothing else.

No chance, sweetheart.
I've taken care of that.

I've renounced
my United States citizenship.

For a couple of reasons,
one being no more taxes.

Boy, we're certainly going
to miss you, pal.

Oh, Willard, wait for me!

Some clown.

At least I don't haVe to worry
about picking him.

Oh? How come?

He's leaVing the country for good.
And that's good.

Well, who's next?

Oh, I'm not sure.
I think it's your Uncle Julius.

Your great photographer uncle.

Photographer?
What does he photograph?

They are Very beautiful,
aren't they, Willard?

Aren't they, Willard?

They always do.

They do?

Who do's?

I said, they're Very beautiful,
don't you think?

Oh, yes, they are.

Yeah.

You know...

Willard?

Are they as beautiful in person,

or is it just the photographer
that does it?

Who cares?

Actually, Priscilla, you'll be
feeding the child the cereal

when she gets here.
Now, Lola, let me see the milk.

Now, just a little higher.
No, that's no good.

Let me back the camera up a little.

I'll just... I'm going to
back the camera a little.

Just back, that's all.

Oh, Rosemary, you come here.

Come, come in to Priscilla.

More, more closer.
Rosemary, come in, come in.

Come in.

Come in, come in.

My lady. Now, please remember,
brush your teeth every morning.

Be a good girl. HaVe a nice time.

Remember I loVe you,
and I'll see you soon.

- Willard?
- Yes?

My kiss, please?

Fresh.

You silly.

Mr. Peyton?

Mr. Peyton?

I'm awfully sorry about this,
but you see,

you must haVe been a little too close
to the door when Willard opened it.

Yes. Well, that's...

Well. Oh, well.

We'll... Don't worry.

Just... Yes.

Sit down there, and we'll get start...

You're late anyhow. Sit with the girls,
and we'll fix this.

How could I haVe ever?

Sit right there, child,
and we'll be ready.

I've actually... Sit right there.

Now, just relax and look right.

Are you going to take my picture?

No, I'm gonna oil your skateboard.
Naturally I'm gonna take your picture.

What did you think you came here for,
you silly child?

I didn't break the glass, but...

Let's get...

All of the film...

Some of these holders
stick occasionally.

Good. Good emulsion.

That's fine.

Just sit. That's it.

Oh, these haVe...
I took these already anyhow.

No. Not at... Just look...

...in there. Right...

...in here. That's where we are.

We'll haVe a face full of fingers
from the way...

You get...

I haVe to check another shot. Just...

...stay. Wait, I'm...

But it shouldn't...

And then I'll return.

I'll get those lights set on there.

Got those two sets out.

Get those two big bulbs.

Now, just lean...

We'll be ready... Just prepare
your head, and then we'll get...

Yes, I think that...

...we can make this one now. Just...

...tip your head closer to her.
That's just fine.

Get that f-stop...

Should be about 7,000- foot candle
with two leaks.

That'll work out to diffuse...
You've got to...

Oh, that is warm.

Just tip... So that we see...
It's a hair ad.

Would you put your arm though?
Just... Drop that.

That's it. Now, put your arm
through his and pose so that...

Right to the cam...

Oh, 1,600 feet is nine... F-63.

Couldn't...

That's...

Well, it'll work out fine.

May be a little hot,
but they'll process it.

Here, young lady. No...

No, the colors...

Let me just...

Now, they can blend
with your neck. Actually...

Now they're ready. Just pull...
Just look off that way. This...

This is gonna be...

Boy, f-17 could be, uh...

Just... All right, look straight here.
Now, just pose.

All right, the color is still...

Fix that gobo...

Green? No.

Once I get the right color... That's it.

The white wall. That'll be marVelous.

This light...

We need more lights for this...

Now, just look straight ahead
to the camera. Hold it right there.

I'll get this light.

Hold it. Now, I'll be right back
to shoot that.

All right, now...

- Priscilla, dear.
- Yes, Julie, loVe.

Oh, yes, of course.

We're going to do the ad
for the cereal,

the loVing cereal, naturally, Brackles.

Now, young lady, just...

She's going to feed you,
this young lady here.

She's going to put the cereal
in your mouth. No, just a moment.

No, that's... No, you see...
Let me... If you'd make...

Priscilla, you don't mind.
Would you mind standing oVer there?

Let me show you, child.

You see, in order...
Actually, in order for us to...

You see, reality is so Very important.

And without the milk,
I suspect that's why...

Would you just mind?
Thank you, darling.

Now, I'm going to show you
that we get action pictures.

We haVe all these marVelous lighting
systems so that we can get

these films in action, you see.

Now, you just open wide
for the camera, you see?

No, you don't understand.
Let me just feed it to...

No, wait. You see, you're...
No, just... No, no.

May I just explain?
Look, just listen. Pay atten...

No, you haVe to pose. Just try...

- Will you just?
- Uncle Julius!

Uncle J... Unc... Uncle?

I'm Donna... I'm Donna Peyton,
your niece.

Didn't you get word
that I was coming?

Oh, for heaVen's sakes.

Oh, yes. Well, actually, yes. I'm...

Oh, my nie... Yes, my brother's child.

Donna, my niece. Yes.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my darling child.

I thought that it was the model
I was expecting.

And, you see, actually... Why don't
we clean you up, Donna, dear.

I'm awfully sorry.

Why don't you go out here to
the ladies' room and get cleaned up

and then come back,
and then we can haVe dinner, dear.

Yes, Uncle Julius.

I'm terribly sorry.

I thought that it was a model,
and... Oh.

Oh, this might be too warm.
Let me just...

You may haVe to dress again.

I'm gonna haVe to get this door fixed.

Someone's bound to fall out of this car.

Continental Airlines
Golden Jet, flight 13,

now departing gate one for Chicago.

All aboard, please.

Good morning, Captain Eddie.

Good morning, captain.

Good morning, handsome.

Yes, there it is, the big bird.
That's her.

The tri-motor monoplane,

carrying gas fuel.
Seating capacity, 12.

We haVe prop port, prop starboard.

We haVe dead-center prop.

We haVe an area for luggage
for carrying, and off she goes.

She wings, and she takes the wind
steady as she blows,

with the wind to her back.
Listen to the sound of that.

There she is.
There's that bird. Monobird.

Who in the world,
or what in the world, is that?

- That's Eddie Peyton.
- Who's Eddie Peyton?

He owns that plane and the property
it's sitting on.

- Yeah.
- He owns that?

- Is he putting me on?
- No.

Nobody goes up in that thing,
do they?

- Not yet, but he's got a license.
- A pilot's license?

And he's been out here ready to go
every morning now

for almost three years.

Well, child, good heaVens.
What do you think of her?

Well, I just think she's just beautiful,
Uncle Eddie.

- Will it fly?
- Will she fly?!

Kind of. No... That is, I mean, yes.

She flies, golly.
She flies like a big, big bird.

Tell me, sweet niece, how would
you like an aViator for a father?

Oh, I'd loVe it. Could I go with you
on some of your trips?

Only if I'm not too loaded. Certainly.

Uncle, when is your next flight?

The next flight, yes.
Well, that's a good question.

Next flight, never know.

Captain Eddie, you're wanted
at your ticket counter. Really!

Golly, that's me, hon. Yes?

Here we are, ladies. Here we are.

Just one second, as soon as we park
the little luggage right there.

Hold it, dear. And can I help
you loVely ladies?

You certainly can, young man.

Yes, you see, we've missed
our plane to Chicago.

And we simply haVe got to get there
for the grand ball this evening.

Does this plane go to Chicago?

Chicago? Golly, yes. Oh, Chicago.
Yes, we certainly do.

Oh, he's cute.

We mustn't be late.

No, we mustn't be late.
It's our annual conVention.

- We haVe one every year.
- Are you married?

No. ConVention? ConVention?

Yes, the ScaVengers' Motorcycle Club
Annual ConVention and Hootenanny.

Oh, we wouldn't want
to be late for that.

Tell me, what time does
this flight leaVe?

Time? What time? The flight?
What time? Oh, yes.

Just about when you ladies get
your luggage, we'll all get loaded.

That is, gassed up.
I mean, we'll climb aboard

and soar off to the wild blue.

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Good. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Your tickets. Your tickets, ladies.
Let's not forget the tickets.

Here we are. Here's a ticket.
This is round-trip or one-way.

No, well, either ticket.
It doesn't really matter.

Oh, Diana, I'd like you to meet
my little niece, Donna.

Donna, Diana. Diana, Donna.
My little niece, Diana.

Donna, I'm taking the big bird up.
I've got this flight,

and I was wondering if you
would be good enough

to guard oVer this precious little body
until I return this evening.

Not at all, captain.
Who in the world?

I mean, who's going to take
the trip with you?

- Some elderly lady motorcycle riders.
- Oh.

Yes, she's right. By golly, she knew.
Good, good head.

Well, I'm off. Off to the blue yonder.
And take off ballast tanks...

Off to the blue yonder, gang...

Watch out for that first step.
It's a son of a gun.

Isn't that beautiful? Oh, I never saw
anything so wonderful.

Oh, this is gonna be terrible for me.

I'm not gonna be able to make it.
I just can't make it.

You'll make it. I'll help you.
I'll help you.

Will somebody take this?

- GiVe me your hand.
- Oh, my.

- Yes, that's fine.
- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

There you are.

- There you are. That's marVelous.
- Look at these darling curtains.

Would you mind if sat in this chair?

I know it was a while back, but I
didn't... I never made that. Oh, look.

Well, well, here we go, girls.
Fasten your seat belts.

No smoking here, please.

- No smoking, if you don't mind.
- I'm sorry.

Would you mind fastening
my seat belt for me, dear?

No, not at all.
There's nothing like safety.

- There you are. How's that?
- That's fine.

- Thank you, dear.
- Good.

How about a little kiss?

That is against regulations.
Terribly sorry.

Let me get this luggage for you, ladies.
If you don't mind, I'll take care of this.

I'll just put these in the luggage
compartment. And then off we go

into the wild blue yonder.
Just fasten all those...

- Just be careful out there.
- Oh, isn't it gonna be wonderful?

- Let me just get these...
- Oh, I'm so excited.

Get these in the luggage compartment,
and away we go, ladies.

All right, folks, just sit back and relax.
We will be leaVing in just a moment.

Captain? Captain, would you mind
turning that music down a little?

Yes, please. We can't hear
ourselVes talk, can we?

- No.
- Not a word.

Why, heaVens, no. No trouble at all.

She goes downtown
In a pair of old blue jeans

- Little Miss Go Go, Little Miss Go Go
- Guys.

- She's the kind of girl who knows
- Say, guys, would you?

- What the in-crowd means
- Could you hold it down?

HeaVen's sakes! Golly.

Oh, Chicago, here we come. Golly.

Now for the checklist. "Altimeter", yes.
"Controls, joystick", beauty.

"Fuel selector injector", good.

"Mixture ignition", ignition on.

"Wallet, driVer's license,
rabbit's foot, keys."

Keys. I must've left it
on the dresser this...

Oh, no. Oh, there they are.

Yes, sir, we'll be going
in a moment, girls.

Yes, all set for that. Golly.

Hello, Los Angeles Tower.
This is Eddie's Airways,

the airline for the birds. Little pun.

Flight 132774 ready for takeoff.

L.A. Tower, this is Eddie's Airways.
Ready for takeoff, I say.

L.A. Tow...

L.A. Tower, I'm ready for takeoff!

The deVil with them.
We'll go without clearance.

Engine one.

Two.

Engine three!

Isn't it wonderful, girls?
An hour ago, we missed our plane

and didn't know what we were
gonna do,

and now here we are on our way.

- And he's such a cute pilot too.
- And he looks like

- he really knows his business.
- That's right.

I'm so excited.

Take over a second, Mike.
I gotta see this.

- What is it?
- It's a guy chasing an airplane.

- What?
- I'm not kidding.

A guy's chasing an airplane
down there.

Wait a minute. He caught it.

Let's get out of here.
He might try to fly it.

L.A. Tower, this is Eddie.
Am I clear for takeoff?

- Yes. Please!
- Oh, goody-goody.

Good morning,
this is your captain speaking.

Welcome aboard.
We are on our way to Chicago.

We will be going by way of Colorado
Springs, New Hampshire and Erie.

And a bunch of other places.

While we are in flight,

we will be serVing sandwiches
and "refresher-ments".

Good!

We will also be showing our
up-to-date, in-the-clouds moVie.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the trip.
Golly, here we go!

You lose, Charlie. He made it.

Good evening. Good day.

Well, we've come to the time in our trip
where we're happy to present

our up-in-the-clouds moVie, friends.

A current, first-run, major-studio
re-reissue of an original release.

You will notice the screen
coming down.

Eight degrees, 43 knots up to 12,000.

Frontal conditions
from Colorado Springs to Erie.

An extreme turbulence here
and a bunch of other places.

Just gonna haVe to aVoid this mess.

Well, here we are.
Welcome to Chicago, ladies.

We made it.

Uncle Eddie, is everything all right?

Why, yes, child. MarVie, marVie.

Well, what are you doing here
in Chicago?

Chicago? What are you doing
back here in Los Angeles?

Oh, well, I...

You see, what it... The map...

Gang, the map...

Well, what's wrong with just a try?

"Skylock Peyton.
DetectiVe, criminologist,

"scourge of the underworld
and the twin brother of Julius Peyton.

"He is a confirmed bachelor

"who liVes with his old
and trusted friend, Dr. Matson.

"He spent many years in England
following his education there.

"Unlike his other brothers,
he loVed tea,

"so to England he went to haVe some

"and has been there ever since.

"He came back to America
four years ago,

"lost his passport
and decided to stay."

Twin brother? Julius Peyton's
twin brother?

- There couldn't be two of them.
- Well, apparently there are, honey.

Well, if nothing else,
I guess it'll be fun.

Well, you'll find out for yourself, honey.
Come on. Let's go.

Who is it?

Oh, it's Donna Peyton.

Hey, with a Voice like that,
you must be pretty cute.

Well, thank you, I...

No, I'm not Donna Peyton.
She's standing here alongside of me.

Well, send her in.

Oh, yes, all right. Goodbye, darling.
I'll see you in two weeks.

Goodbye.

Oh, I do believe we're
going to get it, Matson.

Are you scared?

You are, huh?

There's nothing to be scared of.
It's just this mask.

Take it off. There.

Say, who are you,
and what is this all about?

I'm your dear Uncle Bugsy Peyton.

I don't remember seeing
your name on the list.

Oh, you couldn't, because everybody
thinks I was knocked off.

See, nobody knows I'm aliVe.
I'm a ghost.

By JoVe, Matson.

I say, do you recall what you did
with my magnifying glass?

Magnifying? Oh, yes, yes.

It's in my hip pocket, I think.

- Well, that should make things easy.
- Oh? Why?

Well, let me see if I can just get
one hand out.

Oh, this is strenuous,
you know, Matson.

It is, sir.

- Where is your hip pocket?
- Oh, behind me, old boy.

- Behind me.
- Yes, I suspect it would be, Matson.

- Oh, hold it, Matson. Don't moVe, now.
- All right.

All right, old boy.

Do you haVe it?

- Yes.
- Oh, good show.

You see, what gaVe me the idea,
Matson, was that beam of light

coming through there, you see?

- Warm.
- Yes, it is warm.

Wait till I get a pinpoint on it.
You'll really feel it.

By JoVe, I must say, we had
good times together, old boy.

Oh, they're not oVer. Not yet.
We've got another 3 feet yet.

Hold it there, Matson.

So you see, honey?
This is a kidnapping.

And if you don't know what
kidnapping is, I'll explain it.

I am about to collect on
that 30 million beans of yours.

A little phone call to that stupid
chauffeur of yours

with some instructions and a reminder
of what'll happen to him

if he blabs to the cops,
and we'll be swinging.

Don't call Willard stupid, you...

You fink!

I'm no fink.

I'm a rat, but I'm not a fink.

There, now try it.

Good.

- We'd best hurry, Matson.
- Yes, I'm doing my utmost.

By JoVe, that was
a brilliant idea of yours.

Yes, I must admit.

- There you are.
- Just get...

There we go. I say, it's simply fantastic
how your mind operates under...

Yes, it was good, actually.

There we go. There we are.

Oh, I say, Matson. That was rather
close, actually, don't you think?

I say, actually, is this cab taken?

Yeah, for 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes I've been waiting
for this broad.

- A fare's a fare. Hop in.
- Oh, good show. Yes. Oh, yes.

Splendid. Splendid, indeed.

Oh, I say... I say, driVer,
did you by chance?

Did you see a car leaVe
about 20 minutes ago

- with a little girl and two men in it?
- Yeah.

Well, do you think you could catch it?

- I can giVe it a try.
- Oh, here's an extra 20 for you if...

Would you see if you could catch it?

You will driVe, won't you, Matson?

Oh, of course, Peyton. Yes.

Thank you.

Oh, now...

All right, youse guys.

Here's the plan. We knock oVer
that dame and grab the loot.

Take that filthy cigar
out of your mouth.

What are you, crazy or something?

Kids don't smoke that.

Hey, Joe, keep a sharp eye.

Yeah, Joe. Watch out,
or the boogeyman might get you.

- Hey, ain't you scared?
- Oh, no.

Because I know that Willard
will find me.

And when he does, you'll be sorry.

Willard? Who's that, the chauffeur?

- He looks like a creep to me.
- Well, he isn't.

He's a sweet, kind man.

Yeah.

- Uncle Bugsy?
- Yeah.

- I'm curious.
- Yeah? What about?

- Where are we?
- It's for me to know

and for you to find out.
He ain't gonna find out.

It doesn't make any difference.
He'll find me.

I'll bet he's looking right now.

Nobody finds where I hide out.

And when I... When I...

They ain't gonna...

Because I really hide.

You'd haVe to really look to find me.

Donna's nana doll.

I better take it to her.
She can't sleep without it.

Donna!

- Hello.
- Listen to everything I'm gonna tell you

and do like I say,

and nothing will happen
to the little kid.

Now, she's perfectly all right,
and she'll stay that way

if you follow my instructions
to the letter.

Follow them " Verboytem ".
That's right.

Now, you stand by the phone.
I'm gonna call you

to tell you how much money to get
from those two shyster lawyers.

You understand? Then I'll call you
and tell you where to bring the money.

Oh, one more thing. If you don't
want nothing to happen to this kid,

don't go to the cops
and keep your mouth shut,

or we'll fit her for a cement swimsuit.

That's it.

Creep.

Kidnapped?

What am I gonna do?

I can't call the police.

Donna's uncles.
Maybe they'll help me.

- Operator.
- Hello, operator.

- Would you? Hello?
- Operator.

Yes, operator, would you please
get me 297-392?

Oh, gorgeous. Contest winner,
contest winner.

Yes, hello?

Yeah. She's what?

My niece, Donna... Oh, that's terrible.

Well, something's gotta be done right...
Yes. Well, thank you. Thank you.

I gotta take a...
Oh, I hung up the camera.

Kidnapped? Kid?

Who? What? Well...

We'll be there in a wink.

Ahoy!

Man battle stations.

AVast...

Full speed. Where's the horn? Why...

I see.

What? Well, this means war, gang.

I'm on my way.
I'll clear the skies. Geronimo!

Why don't they call?

If anything's happened to her, I'll die.

Now, I'm gonna tell you.
I told you before.

I sent Joe out for the books, right?
That's because you're my niece.

We're sitting here two hours, right?

Because I want you to be smart.

If you wanna make a heist,
you gotta know everything about

sky and air and numbers and things.

So I'm gonna just read it
to you once more.

See if you can remember it.

FiVe sevens is 35. Ten fours is 40.

Fifteen twos is 30.

Add them, which is adding, is 105.

All right. Now, try it.

FiVe sevens is 35. Ten fours is 40.

Fifteen twos is 30.

Add them, which is adding...

...is 105.

This is it, Matson.

The Waterfront Pool Room.
The Waterfront Pool Room.

The best place in the world
to gain illicit information.

- But surely you're not going in there.
- No, we're going in there, Matson.

And while in there... Hear this, now.
While in there, you see, actually,

I will allow myself to fall prey to one
of the pool hustlers, as it were.

And in the interim,
I shall gain all the information

regarding Donna's disappearance.

At the same time, I might add,
I'll take the bounder in a pool game.

Oh, but my dear Peyton,
you've never played pool in your life.

That may be so, Matson.

But I never played golf either,
you recall?

I knocked down
more caddies that day

than anyone in my group
all put together.

Oh, dear me. I do indeed recall that.
It was simply incredible, old chap.

Thank you, Matson.
Then off to the pool courts, eh?

- Pool "tables", I think, Peyton.
- You're being impertinent, Matson.

Oh, sorry, Peyton.

Quite all right. Here we are.

What do you want, Mac?

Oh, yes. Actually, I was just
wondering if there was anyone

in here that would be interested
in a rousing round of pool.

And were they interested,
if they might like to make

a small wager on the outcome.

I...

...haVe a few quid here.

You see, I've never done this before.

Did I hear somebody say they was
interested in a little game of pool?

No, we were just...

- Oh, Matson. Matson, please.
- Sorry.

Well, yes, I...

I would... I would deem it
a priVilege if I might as to...

Yes.

I'd like that.

Name your poison, pal.

Oh, well, I should like to consider
you my host in this strange place.

You name the stakes.

Well, how about a fever a point,
fiVe a blitz, call your own shots

with the eight-ball poison,
and no slop!

Is that amazing?
Did you hear that, Matson?

It's exactly what I was
going to recommend.

Yes. Do you haVe a? No,
I suspect I should haVe to get one.

I'll get... Oh, I loVe that "slop" part.

- I'm going to...
- Peyton. Oh, no.

That's a little light.

This should work nicely.

Guess I actually haVe this.

- What's the matter, buster?
- Oh, nothing.

It's just fine. Perfect.

Excuse me. I'll just...

Do you mind?

I'd just like to...

Just... Excuse me just a moment.

There, that's...

Excellent.

Just...

Oh, I say, could?

Yes, would you let me, please?
Thank you.

I need new bifocals.

I'm awfully sorry, but you're gonna
haVe to go back, Uncle Bugs.

I haVe to go back?

Why? Just because you say so?

Better be a better reason than that.

Well, there's a perfectly good reason.

There's a perfectly good reason
to order me around?

It better be a good reason.
What's the reason?

You stepped on a line.

I didn't know the rule.

That means...
That means I go back, right?

So I haVe to... I haVe to go...

- Start oVer, right?
- Yeah.

Hey, Bugsy, what about the ransom?

And what about the call
for that chauffeur?

Hey, shut up, Joe, will you,
when I'm playing?

We're playing for money.

What I got now? Sixie?

You upset me, Joe.

Didn't I tell you 100 times,
mind your business?

Next time you open your mouth,
I'll push you right out the window.

- Don't butt in!
- OK.

- I'll make the call.
- OK, Bugsy.

I'm gonna make the call
in my own good time.

- Just look out the window, Joe.
- OK.

- And don't aggraVate me!
- OK.

Just look out the window.
Don't even talk.

- OK, Bugsy.
- Would you do me a faVor

and just shut your mouth?
Because I'm gonna rip your lip

and stick it behind your ears,
knock you right out the window.

I'll tear up your arm,
hit you with the wet end.

- I warn you. Just look out the window.
- OK.

Mind your business, Joe,
because I'll crack your mouth,

rip off an ear.
I'll make you another Van Gogh.

Stick your head out the window.

Will you do me a faVor?
Shut your mouth. Don't answer me.

Don't talk Joe, OK? Is that clear?
Is that clear?

- Well, answer me.
- Well, you told...

Just look out the window!

I say, Peyton.

Ask them about the girl.

Patience, Matson.
If you don't mind, patience.

- Yes.
- Good show.

Hello?

- Uncle Bugs?
- Yeah.

Aren't you gonna tell me
where we are?

Never mind where we are.

You'll find out when we get
the ransom money.

I hear boat whistles
every once in a while.

I'll bet we're near the Waterfront.

The Waterfront? Of course.

She's trying to tell me
they're at the Waterfront.

Don't worry, Donna!
I'll be there in two minutes!

Ask him about the kidnapping.

What kid?

Oh, yes.

In due time, Matson. In due time.

One foot, you know.

Turn right!

Right! One time!

Left! Right! Facing!

All right!

What's my number now?

- Eight.
- Eightsie.

It's on the line, so it's no good.

Forgot the...

And the...

About-face!

To the rear, march!

Interchange, part.

Oblique left!

March oVer that...

To the left, ho!

To the rear...

Company, halt!

About-face!

ReView!

Good.

Vote for Abner Theft,
ladies and gentlemen.

Remember, Abner Theft
has never stolen a thing

in all the time he's held office.

All he's asking is a chance.

Vote for Abner Theft,
ladies and gentlemen.

All right, pull oVer! Pull oVer!

Hold it there!

On behalf of the United States Army,
I'm commandeering this truck.

- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.

You and the guy on the microphone,
out of the truck!

Come on, Harry.
The Marines haVe landed.

Out of the truck. Out of the truck!

Get going.

All right, you kidnappers,
we know you're in there.

Come on out!

Bugs, quick, come here.

All right, you kidnappers,
we know you're in there.

You guys haven't got a chance,
so you'd better surrender. Give up!

You guys haVen't got a chance,
so you better giVe up?

You better giVe up!

All you guys better come out,
or we're gonna start blasting!

What do you call that?

What's that? The militia?
I had no idea they were...

All right, now hear this:

You guys haven't got a chance,
so you'd better surrender.

Give up!

Make it easy on yourselVes, guys.

We got the place covered.

Then we haVe a wager, do we?

OK, you've got my IOU.
We'll go for the whole thing.

Splendid.

Uncle Skylock, I've escaped.

Not now. I'm busy here.

But I am the one who was kidnapped,
remember?

Not when I'm playing for money,
little girl.

"Little girl"?

I'm Donna Peyton, Uncle Skylock.

Not now, little girl.
He's winning. Sit there.

Well, then I'll just call the police.

All right, you guys.

I'm gonna start counting.

If you're not out in ten seconds
with your hands up,

we're gonna come in after you!

One!

Two!

Three!

Four!

Five!

Seven!

Nine, ten. You've had it!

We're coming in!

Gentlemen.

I should like to remind you

that the decision
Miss Peyton makes today

is final.

The terms of your late brother's will
are quite specific.

Her new father is one of you.

And as per the instructions that you
receiVed by letter from this office,

your appearance here today means
that you will abide by her decision.

Donna...

...may we haVe that decision?
- Yes, you may.

But first, I would like to say
a couple of things, if I may.

Indeed, you may. Yes, of course.

You haVe all been so wonderful

that it has made it Very hard for me

to pick one of you oVer all the others.

Uncle Skylock.

EVen though we didn't get to spend
too much time together...

...you were magnificent.

Your efforts to rescue me

proVed to me that you would be
the kind of father

who would watch out for me.

Uncle Julius.

You are Very smart and Very nice,

that I know life with you would be...

...interesting.

Who knows?
I might become a model myself.

Only, I wouldn't model bathing suits.

And my dear Uncle James.

For a girl to liVe on a great ocean liner
with the captain

is too good to be true.

And my other great
uncle captain, Eddie.

Or is it "Captain Uncles"?

However you say it,

life would really be exciting with you.

And I guess that chair is
for Uncle EVerett, the great clown.

I can't honestly say
I expected him to be here.

And Uncle Bugsy.

You and I know, of course,
that you're not near as bad

as you and everyone else
think you are.

I think we could find a way
to make a new man out of you.

But I must choose only one.
So to all the rest of you,

let me say that you're beautiful
and my faVorite uncles.

Please come and see me often.

But my choice is for the one
I loVe the most,

and that is...

...Willard.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, please.
Just... Just one moment.

Donna, I think all of us know
exactly how you feel,

and your happiness in this matter
is our number-one concern.

However, this just cannot be.

The will states specifically
that your choice must be made

from among your father's brothers.

Now, Willard, although a fine boy
and an old friend of the family,

just doesn't qualify.

But you don't understand.

Wi...

Willard!

Oh, how can I make
all of you understand?

I loVe you. I loVe all of you.

But Willard has always been
like a father to me,

even when my real father
was still aliVe.

I spent most of my time with Willard.

It's not right that he should be
my chauffeur or my bodyguard

or something like that.

He should be my father.

And if he can't be my father,
I won't haVe a father.

I'll go to a home or run away.

That's it! I'll run away.

What's your hurry, sweetheart?

Oh, you must be Donna.

Aren't you going to consider
your dear Uncle EVerett?

I'd make a good father.

Come on, I'm in a hurry. I've got
to get back and do another show.

- Well...
- Come on, come on.

Those little brats are waiting.

OK, sure.

Here's my choice.
I pick Uncle EVerett.

Him. He's my new father.

Smart moVe, baby.

Counselor, I'll call you
in a couple of days

and tell you where to send
the money and the papers.

After you, sweetheart.

You did good, Willard.

Willard, huh? OK. How'd you know?

When I squeezed your hand in there?
Is that when you knew?

I didn't need that, silly. Look.

I was in a hurry this morning.

That's OK, Daddy.

Next week, I'll even teach you
how to dress yourself.

"That's OK, Daddy. Next week, I'll even
teach you how to dress yourself."

Hey, pal, it looks like
I didn't finish the job.

Oh, on the contrary.
You did a perfect job.

Not quite.

If you please.

Wet paint.

That's cute.

Yeah? What's it say?

Read it.

The end.

I can't see... Oh.