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♪♪ [Rock]

♪♪ [Continues]
Ripped By mstoll

♪♪ [Ends]

[Doorbell Rings]

- Honey, the painters are here.
- That's funny.

Come on. Move out of the way.
This crap is heavy.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

You sure you don't want me
to stay and help out?

Uh, actually,
there's a couple cans outside.

- But they can manage.
- Right. Our treat.

Seriously, it's a... it's a housewarming
gift from us to you.

Yeah, and a wedding gift.
It's combined.

Don't be silly.
The wedding gift will be separate.

Of course it will.

Well, it's just
very generous of you...

to take your Saturday off
to paint our apartment.

Ah, it won't take us that long.
We're pretty fast.

Come on, honey.
You're gonna be late. My dad hates late.

- Okay. All right. See you guys later. And thanks.
- Have fun.

No problem.

You know, you could've
probably done this yourself.

Right. Jesse was gonna let his wife paint
the entire apartment all by herself.

- You know what color you want?
- Tucson Ochre or New England Brick Red.

- Here we go.
- I need to see it in the space.

So, uh, Max,
you take ochre to that wall...

and, Michael,
you take red to that one.

And then I'll decide... maybe.

[Sighs]
I'm exhausted. I'm taking a break.

- I like the ochre.
- Hmm.

I don't know what's gonna happen if l...

Nickelodeon's having a marathon
of Bewitched. My weekend's set.

Who are you and
what have you done to Michael?

It's the whole Maria thing. Ever since they
broke up, he's been getting into the tube.

- It's getting pathetic. - This is the one
where Samantha turns Darrin into a goose.

- It's good.
- You need a hobby, man.

What, like golf?
Riding around in some stupid cart?

- [Keys Jingling]
- Oh! Jesse! Oh! The wall!

Hey, Isabel, it's me.

There's a ladder in front of the door.
Hold on one second.

No, no, that's wrong. It was
a Navaho white. That's more eggshell.

- And I'm the one who needs a hobby.
- Is everything okay in there?

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.
Yeah, sorry.

- Sorry. Did you forget something?
- Yeah, my balls.

Were you guys
just talking about me?

That's a little paranoid,
don't you think?

I mean, the whole world
doesn't revolve around you.

- It revolves around Michael.
- That's a fact.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

- That was fun.
- She had it so easy.

[Michael]
What are you talking about?

Take a look beyond the surface
and you'll see the truth.

Samantha takes pride
in her witchcraft...

and she's made to suffer for it
in an uncaring, secular world.

- She's a modern-day Athena.
- I swear my head is gonna explode.

Well, at least Darrin knew
she was a witch.

She's not having to run around hiding
her powers from her own husband.

I mean, think how much easier my life would be
if Jesse could just know who I really am.

Yeah, that'd be a classic show.
You could call it I Married An Alien.

[Chuckles]
Yeah.

Then I can change you back.
Sweetheart!

♪♪ [Theme]

Isabel, how many times do I have to tell you
not to leave your alien orbs in the car?

Sorry, dear.

Yeah, that would be some show.

♪♪ [Theme]

[Audience Applauding]

Well, this is certainly
no way to start a morning.

[Laugh Track]

Hmm. I think we'll have
French toast and sausage.

[Audience Applauding]

Isabel, how many times...

do I have to tell you,
no alien powers in the house?

[Sniffs]
Is that French toast?

Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe just this once.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, honey.

Okay, here's this.

This time, I think I have really...

burnt it again.

I think there's something
wrong with the stove.

Mmm! Well,
the orange juice is perfect.

- Good. Fresh-squeezed.
- Mmm.

Okay. Oh, it's 8:58.

Oh, God. I gotta go. I'm before
Judge Lingenfelter at 9:15.

- Mmm! If it was anyone else...
- I know. It's okay.

I need to study.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay.

- Hello.
- [Audience Applauding]

- Hello, Kyle.
- Know what this is?

A carburetor?

- No, it's a carbur... How'd you know that?
- I'm a modern woman.

Right.

Anyway, it may look
like a carburetor...

but in reality, it's a gold mine.

Hmm. It's a little small for a gold mine,
don't you think?

Yes, but what if this
were a special carburetor?

One that made it possible for a car
to get 300 miles to the gallon?

- Kyle!
- Two hundred?

You know Jesse doesn't like it when I use
my powers in your get-rich-quick schemes.

Scheme, scheme. What scheme?
This isn't a scheme. This is a gift to mankind.

Oh! Oh.

Well, then if it's a gift, I suppose
you won't be charging money for it.

Well, it's not a free gift.

Why do you always come to me
with these things?

I'm sorry, but I couldn't figure it out,
and Toby's been on my ass all week.

All it has to do is work.
It doesn't even have to work well.

- Just so it works.
- All right.

Thank you.

- Hey, ho!
- [Audience Applauding]

- Morning.
- Everyone doing fine?

Lots of fun and laughs around
the old Ramirez house? Hmm?

Good. Now, where's that
good-for-nothing boyfriend of mine?

- Got me.
- I was just leaving.

Not so fast, Valenti.

- Okay, okay, okay. He's on Neptune.
- Neptune?

- He was just there last week.
- He's buying you a present for your birthday.

A present for me?
What is it?

What can someone
buy on Neptune?

How much is he gonna spend?
Tell me everything.

So, he wants to take me out
for my birthday next week...

- and I don't know.
- What's the harm?

Well, the harm is that a birthday dinner
by definition is sentimental.

And sentimental leads
to a good-night kiss.

A good-night kiss leads to sex.

I should write that down.

Anyway, the reason I'm here is...

my birthday is next week, and I was
kind of thinking that I need some change.

You want me to lengthen
your hair again?

Maybe, you know... Or, maybe not.
Maybe I just want some color.

- Some, like, highlights this time.
- [Doorbell Rings]

Maria, I am not
your personal hair genie.

- Yes?
- Hi. Are-Are you Isabel?

- Yes.
- Uh, I'm Eric.

Eric Hughes.
I'm Jesse's friend from Cornell.

From Cornell.
Of course. Come in.

- Come in. I'm sorry.
- Thank you.

Come in.
So, what are you doing here?

Uh, well, I just had
a gig in Texas...

and I thought that
New Mexico was next door, so...

- Hi.
- That is so great.

Jesse is gonna be
so excited to see you.

He was so disappointed
you couldn't make it to the wedding.

- I know. I'm sorry about that.
- Don't worry about it.

No, no, no. I had the best intentions.
I was on the road.

I was gonna drive straight through from
Atlanta, but I got kind of sidetracked.

- I got this gig up in St. Paul, then another
gig in Chicago. - Oh. Are you a musician?

[Chuckles]
No.

Uh, I'm a reporter.

A reporter.

- Mmm, we should be...
- Leaving. What a good idea.

Bye, Isabel.

I must say, I was pretty surprised to hear
that old Jesse was getting hitched.

You must be something
out of the ordinary.

Me? No.
[Nervous Chuckle]

So, how long will
you be staying in Roswell?

Until I find a story.
My editor's been driving me crazy.

Says I have to come up with a slam-bang
piece of investigative journalism...

something that really
knocks the lid off the place...

or else I gotta find
another line of work.

You have to stay.
Jesse is so excited to see you.

He's always talking about you
and the guys from the fraternity.

- It's all good, I hope.
- Well, he glosses over the good stuff.

Makes it sound like you spent all your free time
discussing and studying Jungian philosophy.

He must be a lawyer.

Um, well, I appreciate you
letting me stay on the couch.

I'll try not to get in the way. Who knows?
Maybe while I'm here, I can get myself a story.

This is Roswell, after all.

So, you know where
I can find any aliens?

[Forced Chuckle]

I got an e-mail
from Keith the other day.

Says he's gonna join
the Peace Corps.

He's been saying that for years.
He doesn't even like dirt.

How's he gonna dig wells for people?
Incoming!

- Well, you can take the boys out of college...
- Sorry.

Oh, my God. I don't believe
you guys still have this CD.

Oh! Prepare to enter
the time machine.

- I think that's my cue to go to bed.
- Oh, come on. It's early.

- Come on.
- Early '90s, maybe. No, thank you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- ♪♪ [Pop]

[Sighs]

Just like the good old days, man.
Where's the bong?

Shh! Come on.
She doesn't know I used to get high.

What? What, you're keeping
secrets from your wife?

I dunno. It's just we're still
getting to know each other.

Dude, you're supposed to do that
before you get married.

Mmm. In a perfect world.

- Well, how many secrets
are you keeping from her?
- Hmm.

Not as many as she has.

What?

- Nothing.
- Come on, dude.

Look who you're talking to.

Must I remind you of the notorious,
the infamous Kate Hopkins episode?

And her monstrous,
lacrosse-playing, 6'3" boyfriend?

- Yeah, you saved my ass. I remember.
- Yeah, I did. Come on.

I don't know, man.
It's just... It's just weird.

I feel like there's a part of Isabel's
life she doesn't wanna share with me.

- Like what?
- Like, I don't know.

Just every once in a while,
something weird happens, and I'm...

Like, the other day,
I'm fixing the ice maker.

And you know me. I'm getting
pissed off. I'm banging the thing.

I'm cursing,
like that's gonna help.

And she comes in and she says,
"Take a break."

So I'm headed to the bathroom, and I glance
back, and her hand's on the ice maker.

So?

So when I come back, it's fixed.
I mean, it works perfectly.

Huh. Well, you know,
in my professional opinion...

I'm gonna have to say that
that is not a story.

Okay, fine.
Well, what about her brother Max?

- He breaks my nose the night before our wedding.
- He broke your nose?

Yeah. It's a long story.
I'll tell you later.

But he breaks my nose,
then heals it with a steak the next day.

- What do you mean, a steak? Like a...
- Like a steak.

I mean, he completely heals a very
broken nose in-in about 30 seconds.

It was just weird.
It was just really weird.

Huh. Well, maybe...
maybe she's an alien.

Jesse, man, you married
one of the Roswell aliens.

It's like... It's like I Dream of Jeannie
for a new millennium, man.

- Shut up.
- ♪♪ [Humming Theme From
I Dream Of Jeannie]

- We're in trouble!
- Why?

He wants to stay the night!

- I wouldn't worry about it, dear.
- Oh, sure.

There's a reporter sleeping on our couch
who's looking for the story of the century...

and I shouldn't worry about it?

Sweetheart, don't worry.
I promise...

I won't use my powers
while he's around.

Everything's going to be fine.

- Kinda late.
- Oh. I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean to wake you up.
- That's okay. Did you two have fun?

[Chuckles]
Oh, yeah.

[Chuckling]

- What?
- Nothing.

It's just that Eric went off
on this whole thing...

about writing a story...

a story about you being
one of the Roswell aliens.

- Darrin, I'm sorry.
- Samantha, I want you to abdicate.

- What?
- I want you to quit!

Okay, this is officially
not funny anymore.

I'd ask what your problem is, Maxwell,
but I really don't care.

You said you couldn't even...

Michael, you have got to get a life.

Thanks for the heartfelt advice.
You can leave now.

You've been queen for a day.

I'm serious. You are gonna rot
what's left of your brain with this.

I'm showing an interest
in the classics.

- You're wallowing in self-pity.
- You know what? This is my apartment.

If I wanna sit here and wallow,
which I'm not, then that's my business.

Great! Thanks!

Oh, yeah, that's my fault.

I'm outta here.
I'll see you later.

The place is a wreck. I know.
We'll clean it up when we get back. I swear.

Okay? Come on. Let's go.
We're gonna be late.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I had an idea.

First time for everything.

I wanna write a story
about you and Isabel.

It's a story about how
two people marry in a hurry...

and then have to do all
the getting-to-know-you stuff later.

- Sounds boring to me.
- Oh!

But I'm gonna pitch it
so it sounds great.

Hotshot lawyer marries
small-town girl after a whirlwind romance.

My editor loves that kind of crap.

What, are you saying
the story of our marriage is crap?

Yeah, it's good, solid, heartwarming crap.
Come on, you guys.

- I need your help. I need to sell something.
- [Knocking On Door]

I don't know that I really feel
like being in a magazine right now.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, Max.
This is Eric, my friend.

- Eric, this is Max, my brother-in-law.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Oh, you're the guy with
the special healing powers.

Somebody wanna tell me
what's going on?

Max, you can't just go around
turning people into dogs.

I won't stand here and be lectured
by the descendant of an ape.

Max, change him back, please.

He seems to know our little secret.
Now, how could that have happened?

He doesn't know anything.
Unless, of course...

he's seen you flying around
the neighborhood in the saucer again.

You go for one joyride,
and they never let you forget it.

Max, l-I don't want him
to piddle on the carpet.

In a minute.
Speaking of the saucer...

Michael burned out the cloaking device,
so I had to park it in your basement.

In the basement?

Am I speaking too fast
for your human brain to follow?

Oh! How did you
get it in there?

- He used the time-space slipstream, dear.
- Duh.

Great. There's a reporter in the house
with a flying saucer in the basement.

- Want me to take him to the pound?
- Just change him back, please.

Oh, very well.

Nice to meet you.

- All right. I'll see you later.
- Bye. Have fun.

Yes.

- [Isabel Chuckles] Bye. Have fun.
- [Jesse] Bye.

[Sighs]
Yeah.

Jesse told him about the whole
broken nose incident...

and they've been yukking it up ever since
about how I'm from a family of aliens.

- You think that's funny?
- W...

Yeah, in an ironic sort of way.
They're just kidding around.

If you make a big deal out of it,
it'll look suspicious.

Yeah, maybe.
What are you doing here?

Inviting my sister
to have a delicious...

piping-hot breakfast
before her first class.

- My treat.
- Oh. Where?

- So, uh, when did you meet Isabel?
- July 5.

- July 5. That's your birthday?
- Yeah. How's that for a present?

God. They're gonna
eat this thing up.

Hey, hey, did you bring
enough for everyone?

Yeah. Where are my manners?
So let me ask you this.

Was she still jail bait
when you met her?

She was 18.

- Moron.
- Sorry.

Yeah!

Sorry. Uh...
Oh. Fore!

Fore, everybody!
Fore.

[Groans]
Mr. Evans. Jesse.

Hey, uh, Michael,
did you meet my friend Eric?

- Oh. Hey.
- Hi.

- I didn't know you played golf.
- Just starting. Looking to get out of the house.

Did you see that shot off the golf cart
in the hole? You don't see that every day.

I'm gonna go out
on a limb and take a guess...

you're not a member of
the Glenhills Country Club.

- Not officially.
- Then you better stick with us.

Cool. We playing for money or what?

You don't need me as a chaperone.

Liz's father has given you the green light
for you guys to be together.

I just don't want her dad
to think I'm some loser...

who doesn't have anything better
to do all morning...

than sit in a booth
and wait for Liz to get off work.

- Must I make the obvious comment?
- Please don't.

- Max.
- [Audience Applauding]

- Liz.
- Max.

- Liz.
- Can we get a table for two?

Oh, certainly, Isabel.

You must be here
to have breakfast with Max...

'cause he's certainly not here
just to see me.

- Are you, Max?
- Certainly not.

This way.

[Sighs]

So how long have you known
Max and Isabel?

Long, long time. We kind of gravitated
toward each other in elementary.

You know, none of us had parents.

I was in the foster system.

Ah! Slice.

- Picked your head up at the last minute.
- Yeah, that's in the trees.

- You wanna take a mulligan?
- No, I don't do drugs.

All right, you guys play ahead.
I gotta go find my ball.

So I've been doing some more thinking
about this whole Bewitched idea.

- You have?
- Yes.

And the more and more I think about it,
the more convinced I am...

that it would be in everyone's best interest
to bring my Darrin in on the secret.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I mean, as it is now,
Jesse's a wild card.

For example,
if he knew the secret...

he would know what to say
and what not to say...

- to his buddy the reporter looking for a hot story.
- You have a point.

- Yeah.
- Let me think about it.

Everything okay?

Yeah.
We're just, uh...

talking about how things would be
much easier if we lived in a sitcom.

- Like Frasier?
- More like My Favorite Martian.

I'm thinking more like Bewitched.

Liz?

Didn't I tell you to
stay away from my daughter?

I-I'm just having breakfast
with my sister. See?

- Here she is... my sister. Say hi, sister.
- Hi, sister.

If I catch you with your hands
on my daughter, why, I'll...

Gee. Thanks, Mr. Parker.

[Sniffs]
They're lovely.

- So that kid is an emancipated minor?
- Yep.

Our firm handled the case.
Watch this. On the green in two.

Hey, do you think
he would mind if I, uh...

What? Got stoned on the fairway? Yes.

This is my father-in-law's private club.

Just go in the bushes like everyone else.

No one, and I mean no one,
is going to print that.

All right, maybe not the New York Times,
dude, but definitely the Post.

Come on, Eric.
Give me a break. What the...

Hey, l-look. I know what it sounds like,
but I saw what I saw.

Yeah.
[Laughing]

- What's up?
- Oh, honey, you're gonna love this.

Go ahead, tell her. Just...

All right. You know your friend Michael?
He waved his hand, and it...

I don't know. It was like
he had superpowers or something.

Yeah, he had superpowers!

All right!
All kidding aside...

I'm telling you. There's something
definitely strange about that kid.

I don't know if it's because he's
a psychic or a space alien or what.

- But one thing is for sure.
- A space alien.

Michael Guerin is definitely
not of this world.

- You idiot!
- [Michael] How was I supposed
to know he was watching?

Here's a thought. Maybe you shouldn't be
using your powers to improve your golf game.

I didn't think there was
anyone around, okay?

Well, that right there is the problem.
You didn't think.

Well, now you've really done it.

Eric wants to interview you for his article.
What are you going to do?

What if I fused
his vocal cords together?

- Then he couldn't tell anyone anything.
- He's a writer.

- He'll just write it down.
- I could fuse his fingers together too.

That's not going to work.

- We need a real plan.
- I'll talk to him, okay?

- I'll think of something.
- Why doesn't that fill me with confidence?

- I can't believe this is happening.
- Will you relax? I'm on it.

- On what?
- What?

- Are you talking to me?
- Who else would I be talking to?

- So you're on it?
- On what?

Are you okay?

What?

What?

[Together]
What?

Uh, I'm-I'm getting confused. Can we...
Can we just all take a minute, okay?

- Okay, Michael, what are you gonna tell Eric?
- I'll think of something.

I don't know what worries me more...
when you don't think or when you do.

That's funny.
You should be on a sitcom.

- Hey, I was gonna say that.
- Don't talk to them.

Let's just all hang up, okay?

Michael, I'll see you in an hour.

Look, I know what I saw, Michael.

- Yeah, you saw me wave a magic wand
and bend a tree.
- No wand. No, uh-uh.

It was just your hand.

Let me ask you something.
What was really in the flask?

- Scotch.
- What were you doing in the bushes?

I was looking for a place
to, you know, relieve myself.

Come on. You weren't...

- Yeah, I was... a little. Just a little.
- Yeah, right.

Okay, dude, it wasn't like the fat ones
you used to roll in the old days, all right?

Ow!

In the old days?
Care to elaborate, Mr. Ramirez?

Not-Not really, honey.

You know, it was college.
Uh, rah, rah, sis-boom-bah.

Nice typewriter.

- What is that, a G4?
- Uh, no.

It's just an old dinosaur.

Oh, don't tell me this.

- Sweetheart, can I see you outside for a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

Technology.

Hey, look, I stopped smoking
a long time ago.

I don't care about that. All right?
I want you to get Eric to drop the story.

All of it. No more research, no more
questions, no more digging into my past.

Whoa. Wh-What's goin' on?
I mean...

it's just some stupid thing
Eric's making up to get a byline.

No, it... it's more than that,
all right?

First, he's asking me questions.
Then, it's my friends.

Next it's gonna be my parents.
I want it to stop, now.

- Why?
- Because, okay?

Because the past is something
that I'm trying to leave behind.

Okay? It brings up
a lot of issues for me.

Max and I were just dumped in the desert
when we were little kids by our real parents.

I mean, what kind of people do that?

What kind of family am I from?
I don't wanna know the answer...

- and I don't even wanna ask the question.
- Okay.

- I'll take care of it, okay?
- Thank you.

Do me a favor.
Drop the story on Isabel and me, all right?

- Yeah, fine. Whatever, man.
- Hey, I'm serious.

I'm serious too. I hear you.
I'll drop the story, I promise.

Let me ask you something.
Am I insane...

or did Michael touch this computer
right before it crashed?

Hey, you know something?
You're right. You're insane.

Well, this thing is totally screwed.

- Mind if I use your computer to check my e-mail?
- Go ahead.

I'm in court until 4:00.
Look, you up for dinner later?

[Sarcastic Chuckle]
Do I have any other options?

- Later.
- Good luck.

You know, all adoptions and foster records
are supposed to be confidential.

I understand that.
Look...

I won't use your name in the article,
and I won't quote you directly.

I'm trying to do some background
research on Michael Guerin...

and I was wondering if you could help.

You know, was there anything unusual about
Michael? Anything out of the ordinary?

No.

Well, there was
this one incident in 1989.

It was right after the county
placed him in his foster home.

He'd been there less than two days before we
get this phone call about this unusual event.

An event?

They said Michael made
the kitchen table levitate off the floor...

about three feet off the floor.

Okay, that's...
that's a little odd for a six-year-old.

- Mm-hmm.
- Um, would that be in the county records?

Do you think we're gonna put
something like that in a government file?

You know, and to be honest with you,
you know...

Michael's foster father,
he wasn't exactly reliable.

- You know?
- Yeah.

- Anything else?
- No. I mean...

other than the way he came to us.

You know, a little kid. He was found
just wandering out in the desert like that.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I thought Max and Isabel...

- were the ones that were found
wandering in the desert. - They were.

About a week before.

Now, that... that's a story.

I've got my story.
No, I really got it.

- What is it?
- It's about three little kids
found wandering in the desert.

It's about three little kids
with special powers.

It's about Max, Michael and Isabel.

- You told me you were dropping this.
- Yeah. No, I did.

And, dude, I swear to God I was going to.
But then I get a call...

from one of my sources who tells me
about this social worker who's got a story.

And does she ever.
She tells me that...

Michael Guerin was levitating tables
at the age of six.

- You don't believe that.
- Doesn't matter.

I don't have to believe it, don't have to prove it.
All I need are sources...

and between the social worker and you,
I got plenty.

- Me?
- Yeah. Yeah, the broken nose incident
with the meat.

The mysterious ice maker incident.

- That wasn't for you to write.
- Dude, relax. I'm not gonna use your name.

Come on, Jesse. This could be
huge for me. Don't you get it?

Look it. Look it. I've got mysteriously
sealed records. I've got anonymous sources.

This thing has government conspiracy
written all over it.

- I mean, this story is gonna go national.
- Just wait, okay?

Slow down.
What is the story?

Max, Michael and Isabel...

they're the Roswell aliens.

Oh, my God!

- What?
- L-l-l...

- Settle down. Settle down.
- What's wrong?

There is a spaceship in the basement!

This is bad.
This is really bad.

None of this would've happened if you
hadn't gotten careless with your powers.

Hey, it's not my fault,
except for the part that is.

[Sighs]
Well, what are we going to do?

I guess we'll have to find
another planet to hide out on.

- Well, I like this planet.
- Me too.

Where else are you gonna find another planet
that has Whoppers and Big Macs?

[Together]
Shut up.

[Michael]
I think you're both overreacting.

No serious magazine
is gonna print that story.

Three alien kids in the desert?
It's ridiculous.

The best thing he's gonna do is
get some quick cash from some tabloid.

Yeah, and they're gonna plaster our faces
all over the cover of the Enquirer.

[Max]
It'll draw attention.

Even if people don't believe it at first,
it'll make people think.

Fine. So it's really bad, and it's all my fault.
Is everybody happy now?

- This isn't helping, Michael.
- [Sighs]

What are we gonna do?

I have no idea.

- I'm awake.
- Oh.

- It's late.
- Yeah.

- Where have you been?
- I just went for a walk.

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

Is there anything unusual about you?

Anything I should know about?

- Like what?
- [Chuckles]

I don't know, exactly.
But, just...

Some strange things
have happened, and...

Things that I've tried to ignore,
but I can't.

So...

I guess I'm asking, um...

do you have some kind
of psychic ability?

- Psychic?
- [Laughs]

I know how that sounds,
but certain things just make me wonder.

Like what?

Like our sex life.

Not that I'm complaining, but it's just
sex with you is almost hallucinogenic.

Like, I'm on acid or something.

I mean,
not that I've ever done that.

But I'm-I'm just...

I don't know.
I-I mean, it's just weird.

I love it. I love it,
but it's definitely weird.

So, uh, you ready for a little, uh...

- [Groans]
- Jesse, are you stoned?

- Oh, I'm such an idiot.
- Psychic, like Carrie?

- Okay, stop.
- You sure you went to Harvard?

Look, forget it, okay?
Just forget...

- Turn off the light. I feel stupid in the light.
- Oh.

But in the dark, it's okay to think
that you're married to a witch.

Yes. Turn it off.
Come on. Turn it off.

- I can't believe I said that.
- Yeah.

Well, if you think that sounded crazy,
wait until you hear Eric's latest idea.

- What's that?
- You're never gonna believe this.

He's actually got a story
that sounds like you, Max and Michael...

are all the Roswell aliens.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- [Philip] The Roswell aliens.

- That's crazy.
- Hey, he's just trying to make a sale.

I mean, I seriously doubt
he even believes it himself.

So who is this social worker who fed him this
nonsense about the kids having psychic powers?

He wouldn't say.
Said he promised her anonymity.

And, uh, frankly, I don't even know
how he tracked this person down.

I mean, all those records
are supposed to be kept under seal.

You know what?
We might have her name.

Pull Michael's emancipation files.

It might have a list of his counselors
over at county services.

That's a good idea.

It's not here.

- What do you mean?
- It's not here.

Unless it was misfiled or...

- You stole it!
- Oh, come on, Jesse.

I was gonna give it back tomorrow.
It's no big deal.

You know what you did is a felony?

- And I could have you arrested
just by picking up the phone!
- Hey, easy.

I know you're pissed off,
but I'm just doing my job.

I'm a reporter, Jesse.
It's a good story.

No, not anymore it isn't.

- What is this?
- That's an injunction preventing you from selling...

or attempting to sell
any information...

based on illegal access to records
protected by attorney-client privilege.

Sorry we had to do this to you.

- [Squawks]
- But you really didn't leave us much choice.

- She's an alien!
- So, what should we do with him?

[Sighs]
I'm thinking the pet store.

- A nice little boy would love to take you home.
- [Squawks]

I'm not an animal!
[Squawks] I'm a human being.

Just keep telling yourself that.

I'll be back before dinner.

[Squawks] Damn it, Jim!
I'm a reporter, not a parrot!

- I don't believe this.
- Yeah, well, believe it.

Now, just pack your stuff and get out!

- What?
- Look, Eric, I asked you to
drop the story as a friend.

And what did you do? You lied to me!
You knew you weren't going to let it go!

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry?

Eric, you looked me in the eye
and told me...

that one of your sources
put you on to the social worker...

when the truth was
you stole it from my own office!

All right, I screwed up! I admit it!
I won't write the stupid alien story.

But, come on, Jesse.
It's you and me, man. We go back.

Uh-uh. You can insult me.
You can hit me.

You can do almost anything you want to me,
and usually I'll find a way to get over it, okay?

But you can't lie to me in my own house.

You can't take advantage
of my trust and my friendship!

Now, I want you gone!

Don't come back!

None of this would be necessary
if we could just tell the humans the truth.

Are you serious? These primates
have barely mastered walking upright.

- They couldn't handle the truth.
- Jesse did just fine.

Yeah, he's a real genius.

You're talking about my husband.

Must you remind me?

- If it weren't for Jesse...
- Life would be much quieter.

And I would be miserable.

[Sighs]
We're meant to be together, Max.

You're just going
to have to accept that.

Isabel, it's bad enough
you married one of them.

But try to remember that
you are from a superior race of beings.

A race that has conquered
the mysteries of space travel.

A race that stands head and shoulders
above these primitive monkey children.

I found the problem with the spaceship.

My yo-yo was caught in the warp drive!

Well, some of us stand
a little taller than others.

- So Jesse saved the day?
- Yeah.

I know what you're gonna say.

That's twice now that he's saved us, and so
now he's earned the right to know the truth.

- And I don't necessarily disagree, but I think that...
- No, Max.

I'm really, really not pushing
to tell him right now.

He was really mad.

I've never seen him so angry,
you know, and he was angry...

because he was lied to
by someone he trusted.

You're his wife.
He'll forgive you.

Maybe.

But he'll never forget I lied.
You know, it'll always be there between us.

I wanna tell him, but, um...

I'm afraid to.

The problem is,
I don't live in a sitcom.

You know, they get to wrap
everything up all nice and neat.

Real life is complicated.

Can't sleep?

I just...

I just keep thinking of your friend Eric.

I mean, you guys were
really close for a long time.

Yeah, well, things change.

Don't worry.
I have other friends, okay?

Besides, you are all that matters to me.

You're all I need.

So, what's the lesson, Isabel?

Never trust one of your friends.

Never use your powers
out in public, dear.

And never let Max park
the spaceship in the basement.

- Promise?
- Alien's honor.

Then come here.

Oh, you're all that matters to me.

- You're all I need.
- Oh, sweetheart.

[Audience Applauding]
Ripped By mstoll