All language subtitles for Modern Family - 5x13 - Three Dinners.HDTV.x264-REMARKABLE.en

- Hi, there.
- Hey.

I'll be your server
for tonight.

My name is Brian
if you guys need anything.

What's your name
if we don't need anything?

Patricia.

You're quick, Patricia!

Thanks. So, our
specialty cocktail for tonight

is a basil-infused mojito.

Oh, yum!
We'll take three.

Uh, no.
That's okay. I'm good.

Come on, now.
Join us for a specialty cocktail

- on our specialty evening.
- Yeah.

- Three, please.
- Okay.

If you don't drink it,
someone will.

Well, that Brian
sure is a cutie, huh?

I'd kill to have those lips.
I mean on me.

I mean I want his lips
on my mouth.

- Uh, can we just cut to the chase?
- He's got great lips.

No, no, no, no, no. What are we
doing here? What is this about?

Nothing! We just wanted
to have a fun night out

- with our daughter.
- Yeah! Just think of us as your friends.

- Yeah!
- I don't have 45-year-old friends.

Well, you don't have 45-year-old
parents yet, either, honey,

so calm down.

Haley has no plan
for her future whatsoever.

She's living in our basement,

taking community-college
classes, and, well, meandering.

So we're gonna take her out.
We'll have some fun.

And then gently ease her
into a friendly conversation

about her future.

As opposed to the approach
that we've taken in the past.

Is this what you're gonna do
with your life--

sleep late and take a selfie?!

Why are you always
criticizing me?!

Is this really
how you want to start the day?!

My day started 5 hours ago.

I am under a lot of pressure!

How?! How?!
You take three classes a week,

and you miss half of them!

The parking is tricky!

Morning, sunshine.
I saved you some lunch.

I get it, okay?!
I'm lazy! God!

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You know what drives me crazy?

Getting these customer-satisfaction
calls during dinner.

They change the oil on your car,
they want a love letter!

I know. I'm waiting for a call
from my doctor's office--

"Please rate
your prostate exam.

Would you say
you were satisfied?"

I hope you weren't.

"I hope you weren't."

That's a good one, Gloria!

Do you know how hard it is to be
funny in a second language, Jay?

This beautiful lady
is very good.

Ay, Darlene,
you're learning Spanish?

Yes, Shorty and I
have been taking classes.

- We're getting good.
- Oh, yeah.

That's wonderful!

You said "That's wonderful,"
right? My Italian helps me.

Why the sudden interest
in Spanish?

Well, actually, there's
something we have to tell you,

you know? All right.
How's this? We're--

- We're moving to Costa Rica!
- Yeah!

What?!
When?

In a couple of weeks. The cost
of living is so low down there,

you know? We found this
beautiful place on the water.

It's got its own private beach.

Bathing suits are optional.

But encouraged.

Ay, I'm going to miss you guys.

Don't worry about it.
I give it three months, tops.

You hate the beach. And you know
how humid it is down there?

I love the steam room
at the club.

It's the same thing,
except I don't have to see you

sitting there
like a pile of melted ice cream.

'Cause you're Tom Selleck
in a towel.

I'm just ready
for an adventure.

I want to try something new.

Stick around here. Pick up
a check every now and then.

Why do you always
have to be so negative?

- I think it's great.
- No, you're right. I'm sorry.

I'm surprised, that's all.

Let's toast this amazing
new chapter of your lives.

To mosquitoes
the size of your fist.

This is why
all your friends move away.

To us, alone at last.

We both look
very handsome tonight.

You know, if you--
if you'd just said

that I looked handsome,
I would have said, "So do you."

I couldn't take that chance.

I wanted to get off
on the right foot.

Mitchell and I desperately need

- a romantic night out to reconnect.
- Yeah. I don't--

I don't know if it's the stress
of planning a wedding,

but we've been a little tense
with each other lately, huh?

Even our friend J'Marcus
said how bitchy we've been.

- What-- When did he say that?
- Oh, at Pepper's party

that night you wore those pants
that don't fit you anymore.

Oh, right. And you brought that
bad wine that everybody hated.

- See? We really need this.
- We really do.

Oh, you know, uh, Pepper said

- that for our cake tasting,
we needed to have-- - Unh, unh, unh, unh.

Remember our rules--
no wedding talk, no Lily talk.

I'm sorry.
No, you're right.

So, just gonna...

Should we hear
the specials again?

- We can't ask him a third time.
- Mm-hmm.

You know what I might try
when I'm down there? Surfing.

So it's gonna be
a closed casket. My turn.

What are you talking about?
I just sunk the 3 ball.

Then you moved the cue ball
with your stick

while you were telling me
how you were gonna move away

from Southern California
to try surfing.

I didn't touch the cue ball.

Yeah, I know.
But you did.

You're calling me
a cheater? You?

The guy on the golf course

who can't seem
to count higher than 5?

Maybe I can't
keep track of my shots

because somebody
won't stop talking.

It is in my nature to comment

on the bizarre and unusual
things I see in the world,

like that convulsion
you call a golf swing.

You know what?
I'm done here.

No, I'm done.

I will not have
my integrity questioned here.

I was a Marine.
I served with guys who died.

Of old age!
You never left the States!

Are you saying
I didn't serve my country?

Which one,
America or Costa Rica?

What's with you
and Costa Rica?!

It's a terrible idea!

You get into things
without thinking,

and you need to be rescued,

like that time
you bought that car

- that was supposed to turn into
a boat! It turned into a reef! - Yeah?

That's 'cause you left
your door cracked open!

Yes, it was my fault.

Mark my words--
Costa Rica is another amphibicar

at the bottom of a lake.

Only this time,
I won't be bailing you out!

Who asked you?!

Darlene, we're going!

Wha-- wha--
what do you mean, we're going?

Thank you, Gloria.

That was a lovely dinner.

And you are an incredible woman

for putting up
with this gringo!

Goodbye!

- Come on!
- What happened?

Good luck in Costa Rica!

- Aw, thanks, Jay.
- He didn't mean it!

I know! I'm trying
to defuse the tension.

- Here we go, guys.
- Oh, yeah!

- Three more mojitos.
- Yum!

Aren't these yum?

I didn't even
drink the first one.

Are you sure? 'Cause
I don't think it drank itself.

No, it did not.

Look, I have
no problem drinking.

I can literally do it
standing on my head.

But, A, not with my parents,

and plus, also,
I needed to stay sharp,

because they were obviously
up to something,

and I was in no mood.

I barely got
10 hours of sleep last night.

So, I'll go get you guys
some more water,

and your food should be out
in just a few minutes.

- Thanks so much, pal. We appreciate it.
- Yeah.

- He seems like a real go-getter, huh?
- Mm.

Oh, 'cause he goes
and gets things?

I wonder what he wants
to do with his life.

I wonder that
about people all the time.

I think that's very common,

to wonder about
other people's aspirations.

I do it all the time.

- Yeah, you do. Yeah.
- Here we go.

Hey, Brian, you're a young guy.

Wha-- wha-- what do you
want to do after this?

What's your plan? Yeah.

Uh, to be perfectly honest,

I'm probably gonna go home,
watch a movie, and get high.

- Oh.
- You guys looking for something to do?

- No. No. No. - Oh.
- I mean, I think I got extra.

- No, no, that's--
- I-I think he meant

your plan for your life,
not-- not just tonight.

Oh. I want to be
a screenwriter.

- Ambitious.
- And-- and so interesting.

Isn't that interesting, Haley?

- Sure.
- You should tell him what you're doing.

Oh, you mean after we all
go get high with Brian?

That's not happening.
I'm sorry. I meant that--

No, I know what you meant.

Hey, Brian,
could you give us a second?

Uh, ye-- Sure.

So this is what
this whole night's about--

the drinks,
the pretending to be my friend?

We are your friend.

Honey, we care about you.

And we want to make sure
that you-- you've got a plan,

'cause it seems like
you're meandering.

No. Sweetie,
don't just start texting

because you don't like
the conversation.

- Here.
- What is this?

That's a blog
that I've been doing.

I'm really liking
my photography,

and people always say that
they like the way that I dress,

so I've been posting pictures
of my outfits on this site.

I know it's not a huge
money-maker right now,

but I do get money whenever
someone clicks on a link

and buys something that I wore.

I'm gonna take
a business class next semester,

which I'm hoping
will help me turn all of this

into becoming a stylist.
I have 1,200 followers.

Most are women
who want to know what to wear.

Some are men who want
to know what I'm wearing,

but, you know,
I'm trying to figure a way

to block all of the pervs.

So, yeah.
I guess that is my plan.

It's amazing.

We are so proud of you.

Don't even, guys. You
always assume the worst of me.

Honey--

No, you guys sit here

acting like we're
drinking buddies, judging me,

when I have a better handle
on my future

than either one of you did
at my age.

You?
You wanted to be a magician.

And you were changing your major
every three minutes,

according to grandpa--

who, by the way, has been
drinking with me for years

because he loves me,

and he thinks I say funny things
when I'm buzzed.

Well, apparently, the situation
in Syria is worsening.

I know.

In fact, now UN evidence
suggests that Assad was--

Are you reading this
off your phone?

What?!

You're--

- No! No!
- What--

- I was just making sure
my facts were straight... - Cam...

...before I started a spirited
conversation of current events.

Yeah.

What else does it say?

Thank you.

Mmm.

Sorry. Is that
the tuna tartare?

Yes, and it is delicious.

Oh, I should've ordered it.

Well...

Would you like a taste?

Oh, no. But thank you.
That's very sweet.

She really means it.
Uh, Katie loves sharing food.

Me, too.
You know, I think

it's growing up
in a big family,

'cause everything
at suppertime on the table

was up for grabs.

We didn't say grace. We said,
"On your marks, get set, go."

You sound exactly like my dad.

- He was from this really big
family in Missouri, and-- - Shut up!

I'm a Missouri
farm boy, myself!

- Stop!
- Oh, my gosh! I'm Cam.

Well, right pleased

to meet you, Cam.
This is Brandon.

Hi. She doesn't really
talk like that.

Oh, well, he slips
in and out of his accent

like Kate Winslet in "Titanic".

- Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- What-- what's yours, Brann?

It looks delicious, too.

- It's the truffle parmesan gnocchi.
- Ooh!

Do you know what, though?
If you want a bite of that,

you're barking at
the wrong tree.

'Cause that dish
is in a strict no-share zone.

I just--

I don't like people
eating off my plate.

Yeah, because you're not
an animal. I'm the same way.

Oh, my gosh!
You're exactly us!

No, you guys
are more interesting,

'cause you have
the whole gay thing.

Katie, you don't know if they're gay.

Okay, that's adorable.

Yeah, it was-- it was a pretty safe bet.

Okay. I'm running
to the powder room.

Cam, please try the tartare,

because whatever you order,
I want a taste.

Okay. Well,
don't you dillydally,

because I ain't exactly slow
once I tie on the ol' feed bag!

Calm down, honey boo boo.

- She's so cute!
- Very adorable.

So, Brandon, what do you do
for a living? Are you--

Look, guys.
I-I hate to be blunt,

but could you please
give us some space?

Not a problem.

Look, no--
no, it's--

I mean, you guys are great.
But I'm gonna...

propose to Katie tonight.

- And I'm kind of feeling-- Yeah.
- What?! Here?!

Oh, my God!
That's amazing!

- We just got engaged a few months ago.
- Oh!

- Great. - Yeah, so we will
definitely give you your privacy.

- Congratulations.
- Absolutely.

- Yeah.
- Good luck.

You know what?
If you wanted,

I could pretend
like I'm texting,

and I could video
the whole thing on my phone.

That way,
you'd have it forever.

- Really? I mean, that--
- Yeah.

- That would be awesome.
- A-are you sure?

He gets very,
uh, well, excited.

And he might give it away.

Mitchell, um, I think
I know Katie well enough

to tell if she's
getting suspicious.

- Cam?!
- She said I could.

The hell's the corkscrew?

Do you want to talk about it?

There's nothing to talk about!

Shorty does dumb things
all the time.

You mark my words--
in three months,

he'll be back here
needing money.

Maybe this is not
about Shorty coming back.

Maybe this is about
Shorty not coming back.

Manny.

What she's saying is,
deep down,

you're afraid Shorty's
going to love Costa Rica,

- and you'll lose your best friend forever.
- That's what you do.

You push people away,
so when they leave,

it doesn't hurt that much.

I don't get it.
You're the greatest generation,

but why can't you feel?

Why can't you spend
your teen years

locked in your bedroom
like a normal kid?

See?
Now he's doing it to me.

Uh, you have to face it, Jay.

One day, I'll be moving
out of this house.

Can I get that in writing?

'Cause I just can't shake
this image of a 30-year-old you

eating my food
and cuddling with my wife.

Boys should never stop
cuddling their mothers.

I'm gonna have nightmares!

You pretend to be so tough.

But you know what I think?

I think that deep down,

you're the most sensitive person
in this house.

Pbht.

Hmph. See?

You did it again.

I say something
that strikes a nerve,

and immediately,
you cannot handle it.

That's why
you "Pbht" in my face!

We just found the one thing
you can't make sexy.

There it is again.

I need a drink.

Jay, you have to make this right
with Shorty.

You have to tell him
how you feel!

He has been a great compadre
with you for many years.

Besides, who else is going
to laugh at your jokes?

Lots of people
laugh at my jokes.

Name one person
that doesn't work for you.

Hey, you know what? Why don't
you two just go cuddle?

Okay, here she comes.

- Stay calm. You're gonna spoil it.
- You stay calm.

Ooh, that looks good.
What is it?

Um, uh, this is
the grilled calamari.

It's scrumptious.
Would you care for a ring?

I-- um, I mean, dig in there, girlfriend!

Oh, no, that's okay.
Thank you.

This looks so delicious.

Yeah, mine's delicious, too.

Katie...

you look so beautiful tonight.

Aww.

You know, I-I've never
met anyone like you,

and I know that I never will.
And I...

I love you so much.

Will you make me
the happiest man on Earth

- and be my bride?
- What?!

Oh, my God!

- No!
- No?

No!

Sorry.

Did you know that this place
used to be a bank?

Was it, really?

I just-- I don't want
to be married, Brandon.

We'll end up
like one of those couples

that just sits there
with nothing to talk about

until we glom on
to other people.

I can't believe this.
You-- you don't love me?

- No!
- No?

- I'm sor--
- No!

I need some air.

So, Syria, any updates?

- No, nothing yet.
- Nothing.

Do you remember how cute
she was when she was little

- and she couldn't say her P's?
- "Bake a-tatoes."

"Bake a-tatoes."
And "Attlesauce."

- "Attlesauce"!
- "Can I have attlesauce?"

First of all, you're screaming.

Can we just
get the check, please?

Could you please
not be mad at us anymore?

We are very sorry
that you felt manipulated.

- You know what I'm pretty sure is ironic?
- Mnh-mnh.

You guys spend
all this time worrying

about what I'm going to do,

and maybe you should
start thinking

about what you're going to do.

What are you talking about?

Well, what are you gonna do
when we're gone?

What's your plan?

- Uh, to be fine.
- Yeah.

- 'Cause we're fine.
- Totally.

You guys are gone.

We get an RV.
Bam!

Me, mama...

and our dog, Merlin,
hit the open road.

No. I am not
spending my golden years

driving around an RV park,

looking for a place
to plug my house in.

No. I am gonna
go see the world.

Where do you wanna go?

I don't know, Phil.
India. Africa.

Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

Wow. It sounds like you guys
really need to start thinking

about your future.

Are you just gonna put Merlin
in a kennel when we're gone?

Okay, Phil,
Merlin doesn't exist.

And why do you want
to get a dog to take care of

so soon after the kids leave?

Well, I'm gonna need someone
to love me, Claire.

And in the meantime, mom,

grandpa wants you to take over
the business, but...

do you want that?

I-I guess I hadn't thought
this far into the future.

And, dad, are you just
gonna keep selling houses?

I mean, I don't want to
blow your mind here,

but you could still
be a magician.

I could.

Mnh-mnh.
He couldn't.

- Really?
- Mnh-mnh.

This salt shaker
behind your head says different.

Oh, Phil, you're
getting salt all over me.

I feel like a Margarita.

- You got it!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

Just the check, please.

Okay.

Thank you so much.

- Thanks, buddy.
- Yeah.

Oh, no. I left my wallet
in the other coat.

I did not bring my purse.

It's fine, guys.
I got this.

- Honey, thank you.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.

- I should probably drive, too, huh?
- Probably.

- I gue-- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Why don't you guys
have the valet pull the car up

while I pay the check?

That we can do.

Uh, you guys, it's that way.

- Mm-hmm.
- It is.

Oh. Um...

Y-you know, for the record,
we do have a lot to talk about.

Yeah, we just took a couple
of topics off the table

because we wanted to have
a romantic date night.

And it probably put too much
pressure on it to be special,

but the truth is, every day I
spend with this man is special.

Oh, Cam!

Oh, no, I'm the lucky one.

There we are.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just panicked
when Brandon asked me.

I mean, we're so different.
And I know it seems petty,

but it speaks
to something bigger.

I don't know if can spend
the rest of my life

with the kind of guy who won't
let me eat off his plate.

Trust me--
it can be done.

And I should not make
such a big deal about that.

I promise
I'll try and do better.

No, you're right.
You don't like it,

and I should respect that more.

Are you guys married?

Oh, this May.

- But, basically, we've been
married for years. - Yeah.

I-I mean, is Cam everything
that I dreamed of?

Tread lightly, counselor.

Yes.
Yes, he is.

Because through
all the compromises

and negotiations and arguments

and sometimes even boredom,

I cannot picture
my life without him.

That's very sweet. I would've
scooted past the boredom, but...

At the end of the day, Katie,
you have to ask yourself,

can you imagine your life
without this person?

Huh.

Hey.
All right, look.

I, uh, paid the check, okay?
Let's just go.

Brandon, can you
just please sit?

I've been talking
to the guys here,

and they really opened my eyes.

They did?

Yes.

I've been trying to picture
my life without you, and...

you know what?

I can.

We didn't tell her that.

I didn't say that.

No, I want
what you guys have, okay?

I'm sorry, Brandon.

I am so sorry,
but we both deserve that.

I've never been
so sure of anything.

You know what?
I'm just...

gonna go get a cab, okay?

Goodbye.

And thank you.

- Don't-- don't thank us!
- We didn't do

anything, so...
We didn't, honestly.

This is the worst night
of my life.

I'm sorry.

But, I mean, um,
a-at least now it's over.

You can... start to move on.

I've been trying
to picture my life without you.

And you know what?

- S-stupid phone.
- I can.

It's a...
devil phone.

When Mitchell was born,
he was a month premature.

So it was touch and go there
for a while.

It's 2:00 AM.

I walk out into the hospital
waiting room to get some air,

and there's Shorty.

He'd been sitting there
for six hours

and refused to leave
for the next two days.

That's where we got
Mitchell's middle name.

Not Shorty--

Vincent.

"MVP".

We were a little premature
on that one, too.

Gloria, I'm going for a drive!

Say hi to Shorty for me!

I'm not talking to you!

Hey.

I was just coming to see you.

Um, I left my jacket.

Oh! There it is!
Come on in.

Uh, Shorty, you know
that stuff I said, uh--

- Yeah, I get it.
- We're good, huh?

Under the bridge.

All right.
I'll see you.

Shorty, wait.

I need to say something to you.

Yeah.

I want to thank you...

for all the great times
we've had.

Yeah. We, um...

- We had a lot of laughs.
- Yeah.

And you should know that, uh...

you're my best friend.

You know?

Probably the best friend
I'm ever gonna have.

Jay, I mean...
What are you doing to me?

This is hard for me.
I'm just...

I'm just trying
to tell you how I feel.

Well, I'm gonna tell you
how I feel.

I admire
the hell out of you, Jay.

I always tell Darlene,
"That's a real guy."

Self-made, stand-up,

the kind of guy you want
to be in a foxhole with.

Well, I'm not all that.

Well, it's not like
I've been in a foxhole.

I'm gonna miss you, Vincent.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

I love you.

I love you, too, Jay Bird.

I really, really do.

You call me, okay?

Every day.

Every damn day.

If I'm being honest,

this is a little girlier
than I thought.

Ugh.

Two years.

How could she just walk away?

- You know what? She did you a favor.
- Absolutely.

- You can do so much better.
- Oh, my God. Insanely better.

No, he's not kidding. Brandon,
you are seriously gorge!

If you ask me, she got
the better end of the deal.

You really think so?

- Yes!
- Yes! Yes!

And the whole fake blond thing?
I don't know.

- It was kind of trampy.
- And truth be told,

- she didn't seem that bright.
- And is she older than you?

- Because she looked significantly
older than you. - Trust us.

This is the best thing that's
ever happened to you.

Oh! Thank God
you're still here!

I was on my way home and all
of a sudden, I started crying.

And I realized
I was just scared.

And I love you
and I'm so, so sorry.

And yes, Brandon,
if you'll still have me,

yes, I will marry you!

- Okay. Well, good luck. Yeah.
- So nice meeting you. Okay.

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