Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,477
- Sid!
- Hit me with a cold one, stat.
2
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,813
TGIF, am I right, people? Hoo!
3
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,108
You've been working your new job,
what, five days?
4
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:28,111
In a row, Sid. In a row.
5
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,448
Oh, hey, that's Bob.
6
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,200
He teaches third grade at my school.
7
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,910
And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth.
8
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,370
- What are the odds?
- Oh.
9
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,664
- Parker, the new gym teacher?
- And Drew?
10
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,414
What's going on?
11
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,667
I'm sure there's
a totally logical reason
12
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,378
why all your coworkers
are hanging out without you.
13
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,921
Ooh, maybe they're throwing you
14
00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,798
a surprise party!
Is it your birthday?
15
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,299
No!
16
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:52,177
Or is it? Wait.
Should I know your birthday?
17
00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,596
- Do you know mine?
- Today is not my birthday, okay?
18
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,641
- And yours is...
- Okay! We all know each other's birthday!
19
00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:00,060
Let's not lose sight of the bigger issue.
20
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,187
What are all those teachers up to?
21
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,689
I'm gonna go find out.
22
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,569
Hey, hey! Everyone I work with.
23
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,070
Uh, how's it going?
24
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,114
Pretty bad now.
25
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,014
What?
26
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,409
J. Crew. What's up, buddy?
27
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,245
Hey, man, why is the entire faculty
getting drinks without me?
28
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,247
We're having an affair.
29
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,750
- All of you?
- Yup.
30
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,836
We're just a bunch
of grade school teachers
31
00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,213
who like... doing orgies and stuff.
32
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,176
Fine. We're here celebrating
Melanie's 35th.
33
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,678
- What? What's going on?
- Do they not like me?
34
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,680
- No, no.
- It's not that they don't like you.
35
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,225
It's that they actively hate you.
36
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,560
Wh-Why?
37
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,271
- I'm sorry, dude. I can't tell you.
- They'd turn on me.
38
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,310
I should probably get back.
39
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,818
Now, beat it, Jesse!
40
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,945
Find some other bar to suck in!
41
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,324
Sorry.
42
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,704
Everyone I work with hates me.
43
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,706
Yeah, we kinda figured that.
44
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,751
I don't get it. I'm a great colleague.
45
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,878
I refill the Keurig every goddamn morning!
46
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,838
Yeah, you do, you co-working prince!
47
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,799
You know what? Who cares about them
and their stupid birthday party?
48
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,093
I've already got plans tonight anyway.
Big plans!
49
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,679
Yeah! And don't let anyone
take those big plans
50
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,598
that sound totally real
away from you, Jesse.
51
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:29,191
So, I was thinking
we could go to the movies tonight
52
00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,484
and sneak in our own food.
53
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,860
Let's challenge ourselves.
54
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:34,279
Full rotisserie chicken. Do we dare?
55
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,157
Sounds amazing, but tonight's no good.
56
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,326
I actually, uh, have a... thing.
57
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,454
- Oh, really? Want me to come?
- I love a thing.
58
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,624
Nah, it's just a dumb work thing.
59
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,835
You'd hate it, so,
uh, I'll call you later?
60
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,378
Okay. Yeah.
61
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,133
That was weird, right?
62
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:57,719
She's been acting weird.
63
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,138
Having "things" to do?
64
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,891
Plus, she keeps answering the phone,
"Yes, this is she,"
65
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,393
which is shady as hell!
66
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,187
Do you think she's cheating on me?
67
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,689
- I mean, yeah, kinda.
- What?!
68
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,649
- You asked! I just said yes!
- You're supposed to say no!
69
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,817
- No.
- Too late!
70
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,277
Oh...
71
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,530
I think it's pretty clear
what this situation calls for.
72
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:18,657
A stakeout.
73
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:22,536
Sid, don't trivialize Ellen's
relationship issues
74
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,162
with some immature idea about...
75
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,248
- I'm in.
- Yay! I wanna come, too.
76
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,041
Are there gonna be snacks?
Also, I don't care,
77
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,211
but did you guys know that they
sell Red Vines in big tubs?
78
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,093
Hi!
79
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,180
Why are you here in a suit?
80
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,461
Because we have a reservation
tonight at Casa di Landon.
81
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,267
What?
82
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,060
The restaurant from
the 12-year-old prodigy
83
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,354
who won this year's season of
Big Kid Chef.
84
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:52,983
One of these filets is for babies.
85
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,320
And the other one...
86
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,655
is for big kids.
87
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:00,908
Chef Landon.
88
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,453
You are...
89
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,165
the Big Kid Chef!
90
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:11,710
Yes!
91
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,381
- Oh, my God!
- We made that reservation,
92
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,383
like, a million years ago...
93
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,344
when we were together.
94
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:21,720
We should cancel. I don't think
95
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,598
us going to a fancy dinner
together alone is a good idea.
96
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,682
Why not?
97
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,435
We have finally found
our footing as friends.
98
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,604
I don't wanna mess that up
with a one-on-one date
99
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,440
that will inevitably lead to S-E-X.
100
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,944
- Why are you spelling it?
- The Big Kid Chef isn't around yet.
101
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,695
Plus, the two of us
have hung out loads of times,
102
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,114
one-on-one, without things getting sexy.
103
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,993
Okay, we haven't, but so what?
104
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,913
Yeah, maybe you're right.
105
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,998
Anyway, it's a restaurant
run by a 12-year-old boy.
106
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,625
How romantic could it be?
107
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:56,713
We're screwed.
108
00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,591
Where is she?
109
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:00,592
Ah!
110
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,344
- Seriously? You have, like, 900 of those.
- I know,
111
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,888
and I don't know how long
the stakeout's going to last.
112
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,849
- Ooh! Not very long.
- She's headed to the subway.
113
00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:07,850
- Hurry!
- What?
114
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,101
- Oh!
- Too close!
115
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,061
Oh! No! No!
116
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,689
Ah!
117
00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,691
Sophie, there's no time.
118
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,317
Ah!
119
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,612
We jumped on a train,
and we followed Rachel to...
120
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,114
Dun-dun-dun!
121
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,032
New Jersey.
122
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,410
How are my "dun-dun-duns"?
123
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,036
Pretty dramatic, huh?
124
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:37,921
What the hell is she doing in
an apartment building in New Jersey?
125
00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,464
Wait.
126
00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:42,092
Is that Jesse?
127
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,053
What is he doing in New Jersey?
128
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:48,056
Ha! My gut says black market shampoo.
129
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,642
Maybe he's getting his teeth stretched.
130
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:51,560
What does that even mean?
131
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,021
Wouldn't you like to know, short teeth.
132
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,732
Doesn't matter.
133
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,276
Okay, we're here for Ellen.
134
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:05,240
Unless... Ellen wants one of us
to follow him to see what he's up to.
135
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,867
- Follow that man.
- Oh, thank God.
136
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,453
Okay, you guys, I will get down
to the bottom of this.
137
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,871
Nothing's gonna stop me.
138
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,626
Starting now!
139
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,637
Who do you think she's waiting for?
140
00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,972
No idea, but I know a guy,
if it comes down to it.
141
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,432
Comes down to what?
142
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,683
Couples counseling.
143
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,481
What the... Who the hell is that?!
144
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,568
- Look at this broad.
- Real piece of work.
145
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,613
Arms. Legs. Head.
146
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,532
Are you just naming body parts?
147
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,076
Oh, my God...
148
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,494
They're going into that woman's apartment!
149
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,913
- Oh...
- I can't believe this is happening.
150
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,248
Maybe they're just college friends.
151
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,582
Meeting up to go have sex?
152
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,668
Yeah! No...
153
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,464
Okay... This place is very romantic.
154
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,133
- Can we handle it?
- I can.
155
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,011
In this soft, flickering candlelight,
you look...
156
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,931
pretty ugly.
157
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,267
Well, same with you!
158
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:16,228
That perfect haircut makes
your cheekbones look...
159
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,438
dumb!
160
00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:23,068
- Fabulous.
- Then we are on the same page.
161
00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:29,867
- Evening.
- Compliments of Chef Landon.
162
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:34,580
You call this a souffl�?!
How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
163
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,081
Ugh!
164
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,125
Sorry, one long noodle?
165
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,878
It's our signature stretched bucatini.
166
00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:44,506
Lady and the Tramp was a huge
culinary inspiration for Landon.
167
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:47,467
Cool. Uh...
168
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,136
Can we get a-a knife to cut it?
169
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,471
Landon prefers you slurp the noodle
170
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,807
as it was originally consumed
by the animals in the film.
171
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,810
Right...
172
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,730
It's just we can't.
You see, we're, um,
173
00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,064
trying not to be intimate.
174
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,941
Oh. I'm so sorry.
175
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,526
I just assumed you were a couple.
176
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:07,112
Oh, w-we were,
but we're not anymore.
177
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,364
Long story short, he doesn't
wanna have kids, I do, so...
178
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,575
My wife and I don't want kids.
179
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826
And we have three.
180
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,626
Okay...
181
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,004
- Mm, that's good.
- Yeah, that's good.
182
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,132
Mm.
183
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,400
- We have to get out of here.
- Immediately.
184
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,363
Alright!
185
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,948
First up for tonight's open mic,
186
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,408
we have... Jesse.
187
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,997
Hello, New Jersey!
188
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,375
Uh, this is a little song
I like to call Left Out.
189
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:04,461
You're gonna want
a double for this guy.
190
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,797
Oh, no.
191
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:09,424
Hey, where are my
Sugar Ray heads at, huh?
192
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,426
Eh... Okay...
193
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,479
I'm a teacher.
194
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,904
Seriously, why?
195
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,532
Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.
196
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,200
I can't watch.
Tell me what's happening.
197
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,160
A guy is sucking.
198
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,552
Maybe you could look first?
199
00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,097
'Cause what if they're, like, right there?
200
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,223
I think we'd hear them.
201
00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,641
Not the way Rachel does it.
202
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,905
- What do you think that is?
- Some kind of sex NDA?
203
00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:15,908
Makes sense. Rachel is very private
about how quiet she is.
204
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,205
This isn't a sex NDA.
It's a lease application!
205
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:22,873
Rachel's not having an affair.
206
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,166
She's looking for an apartment!
207
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,210
And I followed her here,
across state lines.
208
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,503
That's a federal crime.
209
00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:28,837
No, it's not.
210
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,464
Yeah, okay, but it's definitely not hot.
211
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,216
And that's the primary bedroom.
212
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:35,511
- Oh, my God. Here they come!
- We gotta hide! The refrigerator?
213
00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:37,846
I'll suffocate to death, but at least
she won't find me for a while.
214
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:40,326
- But then when she does, I'll be fresh.
- Okay, just get down.
215
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,607
Now, this is starting to feel
like a federal crime.
216
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,027
Again, terribly sorry.
217
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,030
Your, uh, restaurant was just...
too romantic for us.
218
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,824
I'm not your waiter anymore.
219
00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:01,286
Do you hear something?
220
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,752
It's coming from that cart.
221
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,262
It's him. It's the cooking boy.
222
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,639
Oh. Okay.
223
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,432
That's cool.
Should we call an Uber then?
224
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:26,395
Charlie. You can't just leave a child
crying under a tablecloth.
225
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:29,731
Why not? It definitely feels
like a job for his parents.
226
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,733
Or, at the very least, his pastry chef.
227
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,614
What's going on, Landon?
228
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,533
I can't talk to you about it.
229
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,285
Well, we did try our best.
230
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,953
See you later, little man.
231
00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:45,205
I can't talk to her about it.
232
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,623
I can talk to you.
233
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,084
Oh...
234
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,462
Good luck, buddy. Tough crowd.
235
00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,465
Oh, my God.
Sophie, what are you doing here?
236
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,759
Did you see me do my thing?
237
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,095
Yeah. I saw it. I heard it.
238
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,764
How do I forget it?
239
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,143
Look, it's this new outlet I found
240
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,978
to work through negative emotions, okay?
241
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,354
I mean, before, when I was feeling down,
242
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,190
I'd go to the park at night
and just scream.
243
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,943
God, men really will do anything
to avoid therapy.
244
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,945
We sure will. Anyway, now,
245
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,656
when I need to blow off steam,
I-I write a parody song,
246
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,617
and I-I come down to St. Freddie's pub,
247
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,660
- and I belt out a song that...
- Wait!
248
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,496
- This is called St. Freddie's?
- Yeah. Why?
249
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,999
Melanie was wearing a jacket
from this bar.
250
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:31,126
- That's Bob.
- He teaches third grade at my school.
251
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:33,045
And that's Melanie.
She teaches fifth.
252
00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:35,756
I remember
because I was like, "cute jacket."
253
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:36,924
Then she turned around,
254
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,550
and there was this really
ripped leprechaun on it.
255
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:41,261
And I was like, "Is it weird that
I'm attracted to that leprechaun?"
256
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,888
And then, I could not stop thinking about
257
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,932
how long it had been since I had
a bowl of Lucky Charms...
258
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,892
Sophie? What's your point?
259
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,894
Oh, my point is,
260
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:52,231
is that Melanie must have
seen you do a song here,
261
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:54,024
venting about all the teachers.
262
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,401
She went and told them.
Now, they all hate you.
263
00:12:56,401 --> 00:13:00,280
- Eh, I don't know.
- My lyrics are pretty cryptic.
264
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,616
This is a song about some people
with a lot of nerve.
265
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,588
Yeah, that's why they hate me.
266
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,382
I can't believe I filled that Keurig once.
267
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,300
Oh, my God, you said every morning.
268
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,010
You haven't seen the size of that thing.
269
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,262
Okay, listen.
270
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:27,432
I think I have an idea on how to get
you back in their good graces.
271
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,185
Yes. I write a parody apology song. Ooh!
272
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,688
I can do Me So Horny into Me So Sorry.
273
00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,398
Absolutely not.
274
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,110
Right.
275
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,488
What is it?
276
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,992
I invited my crush Zoe
to eat here tonight.
277
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:48,954
Like a date. She said she'd come,
278
00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:52,207
but she stood me up and went
to Raphael's party instead.
279
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,502
Which makes sense 'cause
his aunt is Sigourney Weaver.
280
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,380
Well, uh...
281
00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,382
This may surprise you,
282
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:04,261
but there was a time
when girls stood me up, too.
283
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,513
That doesn't surprise me at all.
284
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,141
Anyway...
285
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,436
Before I was the...
286
00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:14,938
undeniable hottie that you see before you,
287
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,774
I was,
288
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,777
rather sadly, a nottie.
289
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,071
Got pantsed quite a lot, actually.
290
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,240
Something about my slender hips, I think.
291
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,160
You see,
292
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,786
guys like us,
293
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,872
we just need to bide
our time a little bit.
294
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:35,209
I mean, you might lose out
to the Raphaels of the world
295
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,169
for the next few years, but,
296
00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,796
one day, you will wake up
297
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,549
and find that girls simply cannot resist
298
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,760
the brilliant chef...
299
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,136
with the golden hat.
300
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,680
Okay?
301
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,932
Come on.
302
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,434
Go off and enjoy your childhood.
303
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,187
Get back to working
this highly demanding late-night job
304
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,731
that I can only assume is wildly
illegal for you to have.
305
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,651
- It's not illegal.
- I was emancipated when I was 9.
306
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,621
So, why on earth would you leave
307
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,790
your awesome rent-controlled
apartment in the city?
308
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,376
Wait. Forget I asked you that.
309
00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:19,628
Dad's right. I'm a terrible realtor.
310
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,881
To be honest,
I need space from my girlfriend.
311
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,884
What? What does she need space from?
312
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,471
I have no clue.
313
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:33,308
Well, if you need space,
this kitchen is to die for.
314
00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,812
I mean, do a lap
around this island. It's huge.
315
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,816
All stainless steel appliances.
316
00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:44,069
Oh, this is a PowerPlus burner,
five-top...
317
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,406
Okay. She's distracted by the cabinets.
318
00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:50,033
Stay low, and move toward the front door.
319
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,123
Ellen?
320
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,584
Rachel?
321
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,586
This is so random!
322
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,052
What are you doing here?
323
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,389
We followed you.
324
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,724
You what?
325
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,978
- Yep! Getting my phone call now.
- I'm gonna take it...
326
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:21,106
- Me, too!
- I'm getting a fake phone call, too.
327
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,737
- Wow.
- I can't believe you followed me here.
328
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:30,324
- I'm sorry.
- You've been acting super weird lately.
329
00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:33,994
Now, I realize it's because
you wanted to get away from me.
330
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:37,372
No! It's not that I want to
get away from you.
331
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,958
I just need space.
Living next to your girlfriend
332
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,960
can be... a lot.
333
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,754
Of... fun?
334
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,131
Just a lot.
335
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,342
- Ha-ha!
- Ah! Don't kill me!
336
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:49,593
What's cookin', good-lookin'?
337
00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,554
Is someone in need of
a special Ellen massage?!
338
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:57,976
I think a little buffer
could be good for us.
339
00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,938
I was gonna tell you
as soon as I found a place.
340
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,567
Rachel, you can get
this buffer apartment,
341
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,903
and I can try to rein it in a bit.
342
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:11,031
But, you said that dating me was a lot,
343
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,075
and I need you to know
344
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,327
that I-I'm always gonna be me.
345
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:19,331
I'm gonna bake you scones on a whim
346
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,251
and send you kick-ass Spotify playlists
347
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:25,462
and draw you a bath on sketch paper,
348
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,757
and then laugh and laugh
about the play on words.
349
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,595
That's part of the Ellen package.
350
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,557
So, y-you need to decide.
351
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,267
Do you take me as I am,
352
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:41,270
or not take me at all?
353
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,526
I'm gonna get myself
one of those bald cats
354
00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:48,819
for my birthday.
355
00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:49,903
Are you sure?
356
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,489
I feel like it'd be much cheaper
to just shave a stray.
357
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,534
Oh, no. He's back.
358
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,537
Hi, guys. I'm Sophie.
359
00:17:58,537 --> 00:17:59,621
I'm sure you don't remember me...
360
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,831
We remember you.
361
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:02,833
You're the girl that cheated
on Drew with Jesse,
362
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:05,961
then didn't stay with Jesse,
so it wasn't even good cheating.
363
00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:10,215
Um... Uh, Melanie?
364
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,384
We suspect that you
heard one of Jesse's songs.
365
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,094
It's true. I did.
366
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,971
It was disgusting.
367
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:17,931
I guess if I got drunk enough,
368
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,475
I could sing Shallow.
369
00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:29,818
Of course, I told everyone
what I heard that night.
370
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,278
You traumatized me.
371
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,905
I've been so afraid of sneezing,
372
00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:35,991
I'm getting a hairless cat.
A real weird one.
373
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,661
I don't look like Ann Dowd.
374
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,622
I don't even know who Ann Dowd is.
375
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,916
Oh, uh, Leftovers. Handmaid's Tale?
376
00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:45,918
Oh, I love her.
377
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,878
- Oh...
- Look.
378
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,922
I'm sorry, alright?
I was pissed off
379
00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:53,300
'cause someone stole my Dannon Oikos
Greek yogurt from the office fridge.
380
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,385
That was me. I ate that yogurt,
381
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,055
and my only regret is that it was apricot.
382
00:18:58,055 --> 00:18:59,681
Who buys apricot yogurt?
383
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,058
Hey, hate it or eat it, Bob.
384
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,851
- You can't have it both ways.
- Okay, everyone,
385
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,062
calm down, alright?
386
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,813
The only way to even the playing field
387
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,941
is you guys gotta roast Jesse back.
388
00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:10,609
That was your big plan?
389
00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:13,153
Sophie, these are professional educators.
They're not gonna bully me.
390
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:16,073
- I'll do it!
- Have you guys ever noticed
391
00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:18,242
that when Jesse takes a sip
from the water fountain,
392
00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,953
he puts his whole mouth around the spout?
393
00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:22,788
Ha, ha, ha. Okay, good one, Melanie.
394
00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,457
I'm just trying to save water.
The planet is dying, so...
395
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,376
Yeah, Drew. Yeah.
396
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,462
Jesse set up
his work printer wrong,
397
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,673
so I've got a copy
of his Survivor application.
398
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,342
He says he knows how to, quote,
399
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,594
"Use all the parts of the coconut."
400
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:42,099
How is being resourceful about God's
most versatile tree nut embarrassing?
401
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,726
By the way,
you'd be terrible at Survivor.
402
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,687
Your social game is garbage.
403
00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:49,481
And parody songs are
the lowest form of art,
404
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,732
you tool!
405
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,737
Well, we did it.
406
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,991
We went out to dinner
and did not fall into bed together,
407
00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:01,743
so... go us.
408
00:20:02,578 --> 00:20:05,873
I mean, we slurped half a noodle,
and then bailed
409
00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:08,876
but, sure. Go us.
410
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,506
Hey, Charlie. Um...
411
00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:18,302
The whole not wanting kids thing...
412
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:21,013
Are you sure?
413
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,307
Because I-I know.
I know you had a tricky upbringing.
414
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,393
But you were great tonight.
415
00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:30,606
That one moment, I was great.
416
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,944
When you have kids,
it's nothing but moments.
417
00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:39,698
It's moment after moment where you
have to do exactly the right thing
418
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,659
or risk permanently screwing
someone up forever.
419
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,707
Why are you so sure you do want kids?
420
00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:52,127
The moments.
421
00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:56,465
All of the ones you're afraid to mess up
and all of the ones in between.
422
00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:59,885
I wanna do my best
to make those moments right.
423
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,887
Nothing sounds more incredible to me.
424
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,516
That's beautiful.
425
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,645
So beautiful
it changed your mind about kids?
426
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:22,783
Good night, Charlie.
427
00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,954
Good night, Val. You are...
428
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,790
truly terrible company.
429
00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:32,292
Right back at you.
430
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,087
You're boring.
And you look like trash.
431
00:21:53,772 --> 00:21:54,815
You okay?
432
00:21:55,566 --> 00:21:56,859
Not really.
433
00:21:57,693 --> 00:21:59,695
- We broke up.
- Oh...
434
00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:01,905
Wanna talk about it?
435
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:05,284
So, uh...
436
00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:08,120
I had a feeling you might
need a pick-me-up tonight,
437
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,998
so I've been saving this.
Sophie texted me.
438
00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,917
Jesse does parody songs
at a dive bar in Jersey.
439
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,462
- No...
- Yeah. Look, she sent me a video.
440
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,464
No...
441
00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:27,848
I have it on good intel he wears
Dave Matthews Band cologne.
442
00:22:27,848 --> 00:22:29,516
I do not, Bob!
443
00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:34,188
And even if I did, David by Dave
is a very sophisticated scent.
444
00:22:36,148 --> 00:22:38,150
This is my favorite birthday ever!
445
00:22:38,734 --> 00:22:40,402
Okay. I think, maybe,
446
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,154
we've reached a natural stopping point.
447
00:22:42,154 --> 00:22:44,323
Does everyone feel like
we've evened the score?
448
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,658
We could... start fresh?
449
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,287
Yeah, what the hell.
450
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:53,040
Jesse, you can join my birthday party,
451
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,333
if you want to.
452
00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:56,710
- Thank you.
- How about a round on me?
453
00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,212
Oh, I'd love a white wine.
454
00:22:58,212 --> 00:22:59,505
You're not invited, cheater.
455
00:23:01,006 --> 00:23:02,508
Okay...
456
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,219
Well, I'm gonna head out.
457
00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:07,179
Uh, hey. Hey. Thank you.
458
00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:08,931
Anytime.
459
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:16,855
Hi.
460
00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,398
Hi... Hi!
461
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,359
Sorry for roasting you.
462
00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,986
I-I'm brand new here,
and I just wanted them to like me.
463
00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,196
No problem.
464
00:23:24,196 --> 00:23:25,864
You're right about Melanie...
465
00:23:25,914 --> 00:23:30,464
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
33897
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
