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"Therapy For
Today is a convenient way
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00:00:03,854 --> 00:00:06,856
"to make sure you're
getting the help you need.
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00:00:06,892 --> 00:00:08,557
"After all, mental health,
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00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:10,826
"it's something you do for you.
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00:00:10,862 --> 00:00:13,796
Promo code:
ZoomShrink@SexAndTheCity."
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00:00:13,832 --> 00:00:16,698
Done. And the last one. Sammi?
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00:00:16,734 --> 00:00:18,604
- Ready.
- Mm.
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00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:23,738
"This is for all my
listeners with a vagina.
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00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:26,707
Ever feel not quite
right down there?"
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00:00:26,743 --> 00:00:31,379
Okay. Uh, I'm
feeling not quite right up here.
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00:00:31,415 --> 00:00:35,250
- What is this?
- It's an ad for a vaginal wellness product.
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00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:36,897
- Yeah, no, I got that part right away.
- Did you?
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00:00:36,921 --> 00:00:39,354
But, uh... "Down there"?
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00:00:39,390 --> 00:00:41,322
W... Eh... Why is it underlined?
15
00:00:41,358 --> 00:00:43,892
What, just to make it
more awkward and obvious?
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00:00:43,928 --> 00:00:45,528
Well, mission accomplished.
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00:00:45,564 --> 00:00:47,329
W... Oh, my God.
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00:00:47,365 --> 00:00:50,368
"But with our vaginal
odor suppositories..."
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00:00:50,734 --> 00:00:55,070
I have spent my entire life
going out of my way to never
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00:00:55,106 --> 00:00:57,339
say the word "suppository."
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00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:00,175
And now, it's coupled
with "vagina."
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00:01:00,211 --> 00:01:01,556
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Certainly is.
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00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:02,911
Oh, my God, again.
24
00:01:02,947 --> 00:01:06,181
"Promo code: VagAndTheCity."
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00:01:06,217 --> 00:01:08,417
- Come... I can't.
- I'll let 'em know.
26
00:01:08,453 --> 00:01:10,686
- Okay, thank you.
- Let's just do the show.
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00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:12,254
- Let's do the show.
- Yeah.
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♪ Got you all hot
and bothered ♪
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♪ Mad 'cause I talk about it ♪
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♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪
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♪ Bet you thought about it ♪
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- Ready to be blown?
- Am I ever.
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00:01:27,738 --> 00:01:29,939
♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪
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How is your romance?
How is your man?
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Turns out, not my man.
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00:01:34,846 --> 00:01:37,246
Done. Finito. Too
many red flags.
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00:01:37,282 --> 00:01:39,481
You're always finding red flags.
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This one this, that one that.
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He still lives with his ex-wife.
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00:01:43,654 --> 00:01:45,320
Do you know how
many mens I dated
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00:01:45,356 --> 00:01:47,158
who still lives
with their wives?
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00:01:47,491 --> 00:01:50,292
- You are too picky.
- I have my standards.
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Listen to you. Standards.
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00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,763
You sit in my
chairs for 10 years
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00:01:54,799 --> 00:01:56,999
with your red flags
and standards.
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No wonder you're still alone.
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Oh. Dios mio.
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00:02:05,110 --> 00:02:08,314
- Juan Jose: I am not done.
- I am... Forever.
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00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:11,850
I pay you to blow
me, not shrink me.
50
00:02:26,130 --> 00:02:29,464
Ah, shit. That's
my show-writer calling.
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00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:32,267
- I have to take this.
- I'm doin' some of my best work here.
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00:02:32,303 --> 00:02:33,639
Well, go to the
head of the class.
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00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,007
Uh...
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00:02:36,507 --> 00:02:37,806
Good morning, BD.
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00:02:37,842 --> 00:02:39,274
Oh, is it?
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'Cause the network
hates the new pages.
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00:02:41,546 --> 00:02:42,815
Can you be here by 10?
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00:02:43,248 --> 00:02:47,849
- Um, okay, in an hour? Oh!
- No, 10 o'clock tonight.
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00:02:47,885 --> 00:02:50,851
Okay, well, um, do,
do you have any other time?
60
00:02:50,887 --> 00:02:54,990
No, 'cause today's therapy
day and my parents are here.
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Not coincidental.
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00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:59,560
- Oh, shit!
- Precisely.
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00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,529
- So you gonna be here?
- I guess I can make it.
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00:03:01,565 --> 00:03:04,132
This isn't a favor.
It's your fucking job!
65
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:07,668
Okay, um,
that was so not cool.
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00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:10,873
It was hot,
but it was not cool.
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00:03:10,909 --> 00:03:12,507
I'll take hot.
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00:03:12,543 --> 00:03:15,138
Um, okay. Wait.
No, no. Oh, God.
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00:03:15,174 --> 00:03:16,812
I need, I need to
meet with this writer.
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00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,580
I am so sorry.
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00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:20,315
Will you be okay all day?
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00:03:20,351 --> 00:03:21,849
Don't worry about me.
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00:03:21,885 --> 00:03:24,653
I'll just find someone else
to practice giving head to.
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00:03:24,689 --> 00:03:26,087
Trust. I don't wanna leave,
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00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:29,427
but... this, this
is important.
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00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,994
The script is getting so
cute it's turning into
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00:03:32,030 --> 00:03:33,496
"You're a Good Queer,
Charlie Brown."
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00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:37,499
It's so weird.
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The writer can't seem to wrap their
head around my few realism notes,
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but can wrap their head around
Tony Danza as my Mexican father.
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I...
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Till next time,
I'm Carrie Bradshaw
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00:03:46,277 --> 00:03:49,044
and this is "Sex
and the City."
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00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,578
Franklyn : Great!
85
00:03:50,614 --> 00:03:52,559
I'm pregnant, I have to pee,
and I only have a minute.
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00:03:52,583 --> 00:03:54,349
Why won't you talk
about your vagina?
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00:03:54,385 --> 00:03:56,752
Oh, for so many reasons.
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00:03:56,788 --> 00:03:58,419
And to be clear,
it's not my vagina.
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00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,289
It's everyone's vagina.
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00:04:00,325 --> 00:04:02,290
- And hello.
- Hello, diva.
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00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:06,394
I am not a diva. I did the
therapy, I did the eyelashes.
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00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:08,930
I held up that vegan
purse on Instagram.
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00:04:08,966 --> 00:04:11,569
My other purses still
won't speak to me.
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00:04:11,902 --> 00:04:14,402
- Hey, what's up, Chloe?
- Oh, just trying to save
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00:04:14,438 --> 00:04:16,574
this flaming Viking
ship from sinking.
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00:04:16,973 --> 00:04:20,708
Would you tell your star it is
not the podcast heyday of 2021?
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00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:22,978
- This shit is drying up.
- We're just looking to have
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00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:25,147
a conversation
about that one ad.
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00:04:25,183 --> 00:04:27,415
When I gave the vaginal
wellness commercial
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00:04:27,451 --> 00:04:29,451
to the guy who does
the car podcast,
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00:04:29,487 --> 00:04:30,487
do you know what he said?
102
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,587
"This is inappropriate, Chloe"?
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00:04:32,623 --> 00:04:36,892
On air, he said, "My wife
suffers from vaginal dryness,"
104
00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:38,659
and he's not even married.
105
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:42,830
- Dude is here for us.
- I am, I am here for us,
106
00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:47,169
but... n-no one, no human
being speaks like that.
107
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Well, then rewrite the fucker.
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00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:51,172
Pretend like you're talking
to your girlfriends.
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00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,212
Put it in your own diva words.
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00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:57,449
Just hit the pH
balance bullet points.
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00:04:58,617 --> 00:04:59,848
- Hi Chloe.
- Not now.
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00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:01,116
Gonna talk to
her. Don't worry.
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00:05:01,152 --> 00:05:04,453
Hey, I'll, I'll hold up
the vegan purse again.
114
00:05:06,691 --> 00:05:09,324
Thank you... Ooh, gosh.
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00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,691
If Mommy drops this cake,
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00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,595
we'll just turn around
and never come back.
117
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,765
- Hey.
- It's 3:40 and my mother arrives in 20 minutes,
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00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:20,602
and... Gabby can't greet
her with that hair.
119
00:05:20,638 --> 00:05:22,704
Which is natural and beautiful.
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00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,305
It is. Of course, it is.
121
00:05:24,341 --> 00:05:26,341
It's just Nana prefers
it a certain way.
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00:05:26,377 --> 00:05:27,842
Right, baby? Mwah!
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00:05:27,878 --> 00:05:29,723
- Nana likes "proper little lady" hair.
- That's right.
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00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:33,383
Well, we have 20 minutes till
Eunice and 40 minutes of hair.
125
00:05:35,852 --> 00:05:38,053
Why can't I wear some of
Mom's hair over there?
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00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:39,758
That's for when you grow up.
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00:05:40,191 --> 00:05:41,722
Thank you for your
patience, Gabrielle,
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00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,626
but this kind of stuff is
very important to Nana.
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00:05:44,662 --> 00:05:47,062
When she was a little girl
growin' up in North Carolina,
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00:05:47,098 --> 00:05:50,135
how you presented
yourself was everything.
131
00:05:50,869 --> 00:05:53,335
We have 10 minutes.
Please pick it up.
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00:05:53,371 --> 00:05:55,470
You pick it up. I'm
killing it over here.
133
00:06:06,717 --> 00:06:08,317
- Oh, God, let's go, let's go.
- Come on.
134
00:06:08,352 --> 00:06:09,921
No!
135
00:06:11,289 --> 00:06:12,465
I'm trying to go, baby!
136
00:06:12,489 --> 00:06:13,922
- Put it on!
- I'm going!
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00:06:20,432 --> 00:06:21,864
- Nana!
- Mother!
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00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:22,831
Eunice!
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00:06:22,867 --> 00:06:26,138
Gabrielle, you look perfect!
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00:06:27,538 --> 00:06:30,105
I see you just
returned from your
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00:06:30,141 --> 00:06:33,108
matinee performance
in "The Lion King."
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00:06:33,144 --> 00:06:36,344
Yes... and it was a
very good show today.
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00:06:36,380 --> 00:06:37,546
Mm-hmm.
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00:06:40,251 --> 00:06:41,954
Uh... Okay, go ahead.
145
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:48,062
- Harry, stop picking.
- Just one olive.
146
00:06:48,159 --> 00:06:51,526
So, Mom, Dad, I have a request.
147
00:06:51,562 --> 00:06:54,429
What can the York-Goldenblatt
ATM do for you today?
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00:06:54,465 --> 00:06:57,364
- I need an electric keyboard.
- Please say no.
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00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,036
- Honey, you have a Steinway.
- I'm taking my music in a new direction.
150
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,038
- I'm writing songs.
- Parents, I beg you,
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00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:06,075
for the sake of
all of us, say no.
152
00:07:06,111 --> 00:07:08,277
Rock, stop. All last year
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00:07:08,313 --> 00:07:10,078
I supported you
realizing who you were.
154
00:07:10,114 --> 00:07:12,748
- You did. Fuck!
- Hey!
155
00:07:12,784 --> 00:07:13,928
- Hey.
- Sorry, I'm just frustrated
156
00:07:13,952 --> 00:07:15,785
that I can't say any
more shady things.
157
00:07:15,821 --> 00:07:17,452
Seriously, I need the Nord
158
00:07:17,488 --> 00:07:19,154
and a better audio interface.
159
00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:20,434
I don't know what
any of that means,
160
00:07:20,458 --> 00:07:22,057
but here's my translation:
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00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,825
Record on your phone
like everybody else.
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00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:25,460
I'm not everybody else.
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00:07:25,496 --> 00:07:27,828
- I'm a serious artist.
- Oh, my God.
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00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,733
Honey, you have a job
playing for classes at ABT,
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00:07:30,769 --> 00:07:32,467
so just save up.
166
00:07:32,503 --> 00:07:33,735
That'll take forever.
167
00:07:33,771 --> 00:07:36,071
I have something that
I need to say now.
168
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:38,774
So do we. You're on
your own, kid, right?
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00:07:38,810 --> 00:07:41,777
- Am I right?
- Yes, yes! Right.
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00:07:41,813 --> 00:07:43,849
You want it, you find a way.
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00:07:45,817 --> 00:07:47,016
That'll work.
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00:07:47,052 --> 00:07:49,179
Nya, come on, you have to admit
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00:07:49,215 --> 00:07:51,019
that call last week was crazy.
174
00:07:51,055 --> 00:07:52,822
I'll admit I had
too much to drink
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00:07:52,858 --> 00:07:56,825
and it was a... little crazy,
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00:07:56,861 --> 00:07:59,994
and you admit that you were playing
with fire in your motel room.
177
00:08:00,030 --> 00:08:02,542
- Nothin' happened.
- I could smell the sex through the phone.
178
00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,766
Come on, I copped to crazy.
179
00:08:04,802 --> 00:08:06,805
I didn't finish my sentence.
180
00:08:08,339 --> 00:08:10,172
- Yet.
- Yet?
181
00:08:10,208 --> 00:08:12,208
Andre Rashad:
Nothin' happened yet.
182
00:08:12,244 --> 00:08:13,679
I see.
183
00:08:14,712 --> 00:08:17,479
- Do you want it to?
- Sometimes.
184
00:08:17,515 --> 00:08:20,819
Most times, I want
us to work out.
185
00:08:24,388 --> 00:08:27,357
Do you have a plan for
how that's gonna happen?
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00:08:27,393 --> 00:08:28,594
I do.
187
00:08:30,396 --> 00:08:31,930
A surrogate.
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00:08:34,065 --> 00:08:37,702
Nya? Baby, are you there?
189
00:08:38,269 --> 00:08:41,904
Thanks, Frank. Are there any
visitors from out of town
190
00:08:41,940 --> 00:08:44,043
who would like to identify?
191
00:08:45,410 --> 00:08:48,844
Hi, I'm, uh, Miranda,
and I'm an alcoholic.
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00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,478
All: Hi, Miranda.
193
00:08:50,514 --> 00:08:53,581
I'm, uh, new to A.A. and L.A.
194
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:57,418
and I don't have a lot to fill
my days with while I'm out here,
195
00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:00,183
so I'm really grateful
for these meetings.
196
00:09:00,219 --> 00:09:02,024
- Welcome.
- Thanks.
197
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:04,593
Don: So, does
anybody have a topic?
198
00:09:12,303 --> 00:09:16,872
I have not seen a pair of virgin
arms like yours in, like, forever.
199
00:09:18,275 --> 00:09:20,175
Seems like you're
almost out of space,
200
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:22,347
so, yes, I do rent.
201
00:09:22,814 --> 00:09:25,180
I'm Allie. Yeah,
filling the days
202
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,182
was hard for me too
when I first quit,
203
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:30,018
but I'm volunteering to
clean the beach on Friday.
204
00:09:30,054 --> 00:09:33,116
- Offer's open.
- W-With like an environmental group?
205
00:09:33,152 --> 00:09:34,790
One of my many, yeah.
206
00:09:34,826 --> 00:09:37,259
My husband calls
me an "actor-vist."
207
00:09:37,295 --> 00:09:39,895
I can pick you up.
208
00:09:39,931 --> 00:09:42,601
Oh, that'd be great.
Thanks, Allie.
209
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:46,434
So, how are you feeling
about the breakup?
210
00:09:46,470 --> 00:09:49,437
Awful. Juan Jose was my
longest relationship.
211
00:09:49,473 --> 00:09:52,107
Ten years of blowouts
and confidences.
212
00:09:52,143 --> 00:09:53,143
He's heard it all.
213
00:09:53,178 --> 00:09:56,015
- I meant you and Zed.
- Oh, shit.
214
00:09:57,281 --> 00:09:58,717
That says a lot.
215
00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:05,153
All right, let's uncurl the blowout
breakup, if it's not too painful.
216
00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:06,722
Well, it is still
a little fresh,
217
00:10:06,758 --> 00:10:09,725
but he accused me
of bailing out on
218
00:10:09,761 --> 00:10:11,459
all my relationships too soon.
219
00:10:11,495 --> 00:10:14,930
He said I make up red
flags just to get out,
220
00:10:14,966 --> 00:10:16,935
and that's why I'm alone?
221
00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:21,737
- He said that to you?
- Actually, he screamed it out in his salon.
222
00:10:21,773 --> 00:10:23,472
Do I bail out too quickly?
223
00:10:23,508 --> 00:10:25,340
Well, I don't know about
your relationships,
224
00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:29,644
but we have left a lotta
host stands pretty quickly.
225
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,446
Yeah, I don't stay
longer than 10 minutes.
226
00:10:31,482 --> 00:10:32,493
Look, I do the same thing.
227
00:10:32,517 --> 00:10:35,617
I look for or find,
228
00:10:35,653 --> 00:10:39,687
you know, reasons not to
move forward if I'm not 100%.
229
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:42,191
When I was single, I
almost rented a house
230
00:10:42,227 --> 00:10:44,159
in The Hamptons six times,
231
00:10:44,195 --> 00:10:46,494
but I always found
a reason not to.
232
00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:49,430
- Was that reason always Bethenny Frankel?
- Ha-ha.
233
00:10:49,466 --> 00:10:51,166
Bartender: Here you go.
234
00:10:51,202 --> 00:10:52,935
Okay,
let's get real.
235
00:10:52,971 --> 00:10:55,370
And by real, I mean real estate.
236
00:10:55,406 --> 00:10:57,338
Do you know anyone
else who still lives...
237
00:10:57,374 --> 00:10:59,808
- With someone they're married to?
- Mm.
238
00:10:59,844 --> 00:11:03,145
- Yes.
- Okay, so, Zed's not the only one...
239
00:11:03,181 --> 00:11:04,216
Right.
240
00:11:04,816 --> 00:11:06,548
But I think he may be a mooch.
241
00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:09,117
- Hm?
- He told his ex-wife to pick up the lunch check.
242
00:11:09,153 --> 00:11:11,986
I just got a feeling, like
an uncomfortable feeling.
243
00:11:12,022 --> 00:11:14,325
Well, if you're uncomfortable,
you're uncomfortable.
244
00:11:14,825 --> 00:11:17,226
It's like me with the
vagina podcast commercial.
245
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:20,265
- Okay, not at all, but go on.
- Okay.
246
00:11:20,598 --> 00:11:22,497
I'm just not...
247
00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:26,468
comfortable pitching a
vaginal wellness product.
248
00:11:26,504 --> 00:11:30,338
Ya know? It's just...
not in my nature.
249
00:11:30,374 --> 00:11:32,568
- So, I got out of it.
- Juan Jose might say
250
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,242
you should work
through those feelings.
251
00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:38,784
Juan Jose
would scream it.
252
00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:41,249
♪ Darkness comes, hollow dreams ♪
253
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:45,220
♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪
254
00:11:45,256 --> 00:11:47,422
Ah, ah! Did you not
see the recording sign?
255
00:11:47,458 --> 00:11:49,825
Calm down. I'm just grabbing my charger.
256
00:11:49,861 --> 00:11:51,827
Lily, you have
that new keyboard.
257
00:11:51,863 --> 00:11:53,495
This is not smart parenting.
258
00:11:53,531 --> 00:11:54,729
I'm gonna kill your father.
259
00:11:54,765 --> 00:11:56,209
Well, that's not
smart parenting either
260
00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:57,912
because now you're in
prison and we're alone.
261
00:11:57,936 --> 00:11:59,046
Daddy didn't give me the money.
262
00:11:59,070 --> 00:12:01,105
I sold some of my clothes.
263
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,672
I'm sorry... what?
264
00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:04,852
Well, you said to get it myself,
265
00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:06,107
so I called The Real Deal,
266
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,855
and they came over and
went through my closet.
267
00:12:07,879 --> 00:12:10,512
Wait... the Real
Real was here?
268
00:12:10,548 --> 00:12:13,182
No, no, no, The Real
Deal. It's way better.
269
00:12:13,218 --> 00:12:14,753
Oh, my God.
270
00:12:19,324 --> 00:12:20,722
Oh, my God!
271
00:12:21,826 --> 00:12:23,758
It's like The Real Real,
272
00:12:23,794 --> 00:12:27,195
but they're fast, sneaky,
and they pay in cash.
273
00:12:27,231 --> 00:12:28,600
You know, like a drug deal.
274
00:12:28,966 --> 00:12:30,933
Yeah, how many drug deals
have you seen go down?
275
00:12:30,969 --> 00:12:32,700
This is serious.
276
00:12:32,736 --> 00:12:35,203
I can't believe that
Lily's perfect pink Chanel,
277
00:12:35,239 --> 00:12:38,807
the dress I chose for her
first grown-up piano recital,
278
00:12:38,843 --> 00:12:40,746
is just out there online.
279
00:12:41,413 --> 00:12:43,311
On sale!
280
00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:44,516
This is blasphemy.
281
00:12:44,916 --> 00:12:46,914
I think that's Lagerfeld's
last collection.
282
00:12:46,950 --> 00:12:49,752
In a few years, it will
be worth three times that.
283
00:12:49,788 --> 00:12:52,721
Four. I am furious!
284
00:12:52,757 --> 00:12:54,723
- Can I sue?
- Your daughter?
285
00:12:54,759 --> 00:12:57,825
No, them. The Real Deal.
They broke into our home.
286
00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,930
Char, there was no crowbar,
there was no forced entry.
287
00:13:00,966 --> 00:13:03,632
They had to be invited
in, like vampires.
288
00:13:03,668 --> 00:13:05,633
She is a minor.
289
00:13:05,669 --> 00:13:08,904
They took advantage,
and they took my Chanel.
290
00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:10,438
- Uh, excuse me, hi.
- Yes?
291
00:13:10,474 --> 00:13:11,774
This iced tea isn't cuttin' it.
292
00:13:11,810 --> 00:13:13,909
Can I get a vodka
tonic with a straw?
293
00:13:13,945 --> 00:13:15,444
And a drink for this one, too.
294
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:16,577
Coming right up.
295
00:13:16,613 --> 00:13:18,280
Why the day drinking,
you might ask?
296
00:13:18,316 --> 00:13:19,647
I never ask.
297
00:13:19,683 --> 00:13:21,316
My mother-in-law and
her sorority sisters
298
00:13:21,352 --> 00:13:23,184
are coming over
for afternoon tea,
299
00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:24,585
and she's the president
300
00:13:24,621 --> 00:13:27,293
of the "comments that cut
like a knife" chapter.
301
00:13:27,893 --> 00:13:30,926
I'm just so
surprised at Lily.
302
00:13:30,962 --> 00:13:32,628
- It was a gift.
- Yes.
303
00:13:32,664 --> 00:13:34,496
- A gift she returned...
- Aw.
304
00:13:34,532 --> 00:13:36,097
For something she wanted more.
305
00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:39,033
Like I did with that pinky
ring you gave me for my 40th.
306
00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,670
- You returned the pinky ring?
- What am I, a mob boss?
307
00:13:41,706 --> 00:13:44,373
But... it had that
pretty little ruby chip.
308
00:13:44,409 --> 00:13:47,275
Yes. Oddly feminine
for a man's ring.
309
00:13:47,311 --> 00:13:49,981
Who's it for, one of
the Sopranos?
310
00:13:50,214 --> 00:13:52,848
I remember
how the little strap
311
00:13:52,884 --> 00:13:55,150
just fell off Lily's shoulder
312
00:13:55,186 --> 00:13:58,887
just as she was finishing
her "Prelude No. 1 in C."
313
00:13:58,923 --> 00:14:01,860
Question: Is this guy hot enough
to be one of my Hotfellas?
314
00:14:02,928 --> 00:14:05,360
Oh! Yes.
315
00:14:08,832 --> 00:14:11,534
Hurry, Daddy, get a cab! We
don't wanna miss the waltz.
316
00:14:11,570 --> 00:14:13,205
Okay. Taxi!
317
00:14:13,737 --> 00:14:16,107
I wish we were going to hip-hop class.
318
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,743
Oh, Daddy! Daddy,
here comes one!
319
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:22,638
- Yep.
- Aren't they supposed to stop if their light is on?
320
00:14:22,674 --> 00:14:24,647
We'll get one,
baby. It's okay.
321
00:14:24,683 --> 00:14:27,019
Taxi! Yo!
322
00:14:27,385 --> 00:14:30,389
This never happens when
we're with Claire's daddy.
323
00:14:32,123 --> 00:14:34,393
Ladies, meet me on
the corner, okay?
324
00:14:35,561 --> 00:14:36,562
Taxi!
325
00:14:37,629 --> 00:14:38,664
Sir.
326
00:14:40,865 --> 00:14:43,469
'Scuse me, sir. You wanna...
327
00:14:46,438 --> 00:14:47,606
Sir?
328
00:14:48,039 --> 00:14:50,238
This is illegal,
so unlock the door
329
00:14:50,274 --> 00:14:52,107
or I'll report you.
330
00:14:52,143 --> 00:14:53,412
Hey!
331
00:14:53,979 --> 00:14:56,411
Hello!
332
00:14:56,447 --> 00:14:59,214
- Yeah, you better go!
- Sorority Sister: Is that your Herbert?!
333
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:02,350
Certainly not. Let's go up 3rd, okay?
334
00:15:02,386 --> 00:15:04,590
Hi, Nana! Nana!
335
00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:20,936
Uh...
336
00:15:20,972 --> 00:15:22,805
that's not a cooking show.
337
00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:25,807
No... I'm downloading
Final Draft.
338
00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:29,711
The least sexy sentence ever spoken after sex.
339
00:15:29,747 --> 00:15:32,615
I bought it so we could
rewrite that vagina copy.
340
00:15:32,651 --> 00:15:34,884
The second least sexy sentence.
341
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,451
I thought you talked to Chloe,
342
00:15:36,487 --> 00:15:37,719
and she was okay about it.
343
00:15:37,755 --> 00:15:40,255
Yeah, she was, but
then she circled back.
344
00:15:40,291 --> 00:15:43,058
Hate when
people circle back.
345
00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:44,096
Ugh.
346
00:15:46,097 --> 00:15:47,428
You wear glasses?
347
00:15:47,464 --> 00:15:49,468
- Just when I read.
- Huh.
348
00:15:50,801 --> 00:15:52,567
You know, we don't have
to use that version.
349
00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:56,338
Just, you know, put it in
your own voice. Are you ready?
350
00:15:56,374 --> 00:15:59,410
Throw out some phrases you might
say that would apply to this.
351
00:15:59,843 --> 00:16:04,513
Um... humiliated,
mortified, wanna die?
352
00:16:04,549 --> 00:16:05,981
- I'll start.
- Okay.
353
00:16:06,017 --> 00:16:08,583
How's, um...
354
00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:11,352
"Ladies, when I go out for a
night on the town, sometime..."
355
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,621
- Pardon?
- I'm just spit-balling here.
356
00:16:13,657 --> 00:16:15,357
"A night
on the town"?
357
00:16:15,393 --> 00:16:18,426
Who's doing the talking,
Dorothy Parker's vagina?
358
00:16:18,462 --> 00:16:20,695
Well, Carrie,
I don't have one.
359
00:16:20,731 --> 00:16:22,310
I'm not supposed to know
how to talk about it.
360
00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:23,598
Well...
361
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:26,001
Uh, okay... let's
have some fun with it.
362
00:16:26,037 --> 00:16:28,036
What if you call
it a "vajayjay"?
363
00:16:28,072 --> 00:16:31,006
Well, I would, but I don't
want people to think that
364
00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,876
the podcast is a
rerun from the 1990s.
365
00:16:33,912 --> 00:16:37,012
Come on.
You're the writer.
366
00:16:37,048 --> 00:16:39,214
We're here. Let's
do this thing.
367
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:43,618
All right, fine. But "here" is
where we usually don't work.
368
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:48,624
"Here" is where we usually
watch "Beef Grill."
369
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:49,661
Hm.
370
00:16:51,028 --> 00:16:53,362
- Okay, I got something.
- Hm?
371
00:16:53,398 --> 00:16:57,032
"It'll take you from
dry to wet-ass pussy."
372
00:16:57,068 --> 00:17:00,469
- What?
- It's more current.
373
00:17:00,505 --> 00:17:03,371
It's Cardi B and, and
Megan Thee Stallion.
374
00:17:03,407 --> 00:17:05,040
Well, I'm Carrie B,
375
00:17:05,076 --> 00:17:07,209
and I don't speak like that,
376
00:17:07,245 --> 00:17:09,448
so Megan Thee End.
377
00:17:18,289 --> 00:17:20,155
This is a lovely dinner.
378
00:17:20,191 --> 00:17:23,492
Sorry. I gotta find a new
Hotfella. Kevin has Hep C.
379
00:17:23,528 --> 00:17:25,860
And still no response
from The Real Deal,
380
00:17:25,896 --> 00:17:28,597
or should I say The Real
Steal's, corporate office.
381
00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:30,865
- Oy.
- I second that "oy."
382
00:17:30,901 --> 00:17:33,835
Oh, my God! The dress just
dropped another hundred dollars.
383
00:17:33,871 --> 00:17:36,505
Why don't you just walk over
there and buy the fucker back?
384
00:17:36,541 --> 00:17:37,934
Because then they win!
385
00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:40,710
No, most of Lily's
good pieces are gone.
386
00:17:40,746 --> 00:17:42,077
Sold. No hope.
387
00:17:42,113 --> 00:17:44,079
I want them to return this dress
388
00:17:44,115 --> 00:17:47,015
with an acknowledgment that
what they did was wrong.
389
00:17:47,051 --> 00:17:48,383
Good luck. I'm still waitin'
390
00:17:48,419 --> 00:17:49,797
for any acknowledgment
from my mother
391
00:17:49,821 --> 00:17:51,386
and she's been dead 10 years.
392
00:17:51,422 --> 00:17:53,355
Anthony.
393
00:17:53,391 --> 00:17:54,889
- Anthony!
- What?
394
00:17:54,925 --> 00:17:58,254
How would you feel if
someone stole your beloved
395
00:17:58,290 --> 00:18:02,197
Hotfella's sourdough recipe
and sold it for cheap online?
396
00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:04,867
I would cut them
from tongue to taint.
397
00:18:04,903 --> 00:18:06,237
Thank you.
398
00:18:06,470 --> 00:18:10,105
Okay, people. Lily requests
your presence at the piano,
399
00:18:10,141 --> 00:18:12,241
and because I am trapped
400
00:18:12,277 --> 00:18:15,681
into supporting her,
I will be there, too.
401
00:18:17,981 --> 00:18:21,487
- Should I open another bottle of red?
- No, sweetie, no.
402
00:18:22,253 --> 00:18:23,885
Showtime.
403
00:18:23,921 --> 00:18:26,321
♪ I am not not the same ♪
404
00:18:26,357 --> 00:18:30,362
♪ Caught inside
this gilded cage ♪
405
00:18:33,464 --> 00:18:35,898
♪ Darkness comes,
hollow dreams ♪
406
00:18:35,934 --> 00:18:39,938
♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪
407
00:18:43,507 --> 00:18:46,069
♪ Park Avenue streets,
where do they lead ♪
408
00:18:46,105 --> 00:18:48,905
♪ Stuck in the deep, goddamn ♪
409
00:18:48,941 --> 00:18:51,747
♪ The power of privilege ♪
410
00:18:51,783 --> 00:18:53,282
Should've opened
that second bottle.
411
00:18:53,318 --> 00:18:55,750
♪ No reason or rhyme,
lost in the climb ♪
412
00:18:55,786 --> 00:19:02,291
♪ Livin' a life confined,
the power of privilege ♪
413
00:19:02,327 --> 00:19:03,858
Who is she, Lily Eilish?
414
00:19:03,894 --> 00:19:09,198
- ♪ 'Cause
I always have to be ♪
415
00:19:09,234 --> 00:19:13,334
♪ The good girl,
I'm a good girl ♪
416
00:19:13,370 --> 00:19:18,176
♪ No, I'm not
allowed to be me ♪
417
00:19:18,876 --> 00:19:22,445
♪ I'm a good girl,
I'm a good girl ♪
418
00:19:24,215 --> 00:19:28,087
Go back to bed, Gabby.
This is Mommy/Daddy time.
419
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,720
Actually, it's Mother time.
420
00:19:31,756 --> 00:19:34,322
Oh, Mother...
421
00:19:34,358 --> 00:19:36,357
Is the electric teapot
giving you trouble again?
422
00:19:36,393 --> 00:19:38,060
I can make you a cup.
423
00:19:38,096 --> 00:19:40,195
I think it's you
who needs a cup.
424
00:19:40,231 --> 00:19:41,999
Preferably chamomile.
425
00:19:42,566 --> 00:19:45,567
What was that display
all about today?
426
00:19:45,603 --> 00:19:50,171
If those ladies weren't all
half-blind with cataracts,
427
00:19:50,207 --> 00:19:52,140
I'd be mortified.
428
00:19:52,176 --> 00:19:54,843
Imagine my horror seeing my son,
429
00:19:54,879 --> 00:19:57,813
the pride of Morehouse
and of Harvard,
430
00:19:57,849 --> 00:20:01,583
pounding on the hood
of a taxicab like some
431
00:20:01,619 --> 00:20:05,757
deranged squeegee
man demanding a tip.
432
00:20:06,124 --> 00:20:07,589
What happened?
What did I miss?
433
00:20:07,625 --> 00:20:10,558
I pounded on the hood
of a cab one time
434
00:20:10,594 --> 00:20:13,061
because that man saw
your daughter and I
435
00:20:13,097 --> 00:20:15,097
- standing there...
- It's irrelevant!
436
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,565
We never surrender our dignity.
437
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:21,932
Your grandfather faced
the brickbats of Selma
438
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:25,674
without ever loosening his tie.
439
00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:28,614
Wexleys win by winning.
440
00:20:32,650 --> 00:20:36,184
Didn't the Emancipation
Proclamation free us
441
00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,057
from head wraps?
442
00:20:38,757 --> 00:20:40,392
Oh, God.
443
00:20:43,461 --> 00:20:46,027
This isn't like you.
444
00:20:46,063 --> 00:20:49,798
- And in front of Gabby?
- I did it because she was standin' right there.
445
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:52,134
To look at her
tiny, little face,
446
00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:55,871
confused because her Daddy
couldn't manage to get a taxicab?
447
00:20:55,907 --> 00:20:58,373
I never thought I'd
say these words,
448
00:20:58,409 --> 00:21:00,108
but your mother is right.
449
00:21:00,144 --> 00:21:01,877
You know the rules.
450
00:21:01,913 --> 00:21:05,213
When we go off, they win.
451
00:21:05,249 --> 00:21:07,482
So you have to keep it in check.
452
00:21:07,518 --> 00:21:09,952
Because if you pound
on the wrong car
453
00:21:09,988 --> 00:21:12,755
and they take you away...
454
00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:14,793
she's gonna find
a way to blame me.
455
00:21:15,193 --> 00:21:17,196
Okay?
456
00:21:20,631 --> 00:21:22,630
Thank you so much. Thank you.
457
00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:24,828
You've been
awesome. Thank you.
458
00:21:26,937 --> 00:21:29,104
Now, listen, before
I leave here tonight,
459
00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:30,617
I just wanna, I just
wanna take a moment
460
00:21:30,641 --> 00:21:33,645
to introduce a very
special guest here tonight.
461
00:21:34,145 --> 00:21:37,716
Playing my dad on my new pilot,
462
00:21:38,116 --> 00:21:42,751
the one and only, TV
legend Tony Danza!
463
00:21:46,790 --> 00:21:48,423
I know what you're all thinking.
464
00:21:48,459 --> 00:21:50,125
Too hot to play anyone's father.
465
00:21:50,161 --> 00:21:51,792
Tony, come on up here.
466
00:21:51,828 --> 00:21:53,468
- Come on up here.
- You can't stand here.
467
00:21:53,499 --> 00:21:55,125
Oh, I'm sorry.
468
00:21:55,161 --> 00:21:56,965
Excuse me. You're
in the way. Hello.
469
00:21:57,001 --> 00:21:58,199
Oh. I-I'm sorry.
470
00:21:58,235 --> 00:22:01,140
Tony Danza!
471
00:22:01,573 --> 00:22:02,808
Yeah!
472
00:22:16,888 --> 00:22:18,528
Okay, I got something.
473
00:22:18,556 --> 00:22:20,859
Ooh. Saved by the bell.
474
00:22:22,693 --> 00:22:24,692
Oh, I gotta take this,
it's my friend in L.A.,
475
00:22:24,728 --> 00:22:27,663
but truthfully, I'd take a
robocall to get outta this.
476
00:22:30,669 --> 00:22:31,800
Hello?
477
00:22:31,836 --> 00:22:33,702
Hey!
What're you up to?
478
00:22:33,738 --> 00:22:36,238
Oh, you know...
479
00:22:36,274 --> 00:22:41,010
writing a commercial for a...
line of vaginal products.
480
00:22:41,046 --> 00:22:42,677
Why? Are your
books not selling?
481
00:22:42,713 --> 00:22:45,913
Ha. No, Franklyn and I have
to do it for the podcast.
482
00:22:45,949 --> 00:22:48,483
Hey, listen, I have a
question: As a friend...
483
00:22:48,519 --> 00:22:54,056
how do you phrase it when
you have trouble down there?
484
00:22:54,092 --> 00:22:57,091
I don't know. I have nothing
but good news down there.
485
00:22:57,127 --> 00:23:00,094
How does that help me? Ugh, I don't know what happened.
486
00:23:00,130 --> 00:23:03,564
I kissed a guy in an elevator
and now I'm part of a filthy
487
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,400
Tracy/Hepburn writing team.
488
00:23:05,436 --> 00:23:07,737
Yeah, I didn't think
you could do just sex.
489
00:23:07,773 --> 00:23:10,538
Well, now it's
sex with homework.
490
00:23:10,574 --> 00:23:12,708
Oh, Carrie,
I have to hang up.
491
00:23:12,744 --> 00:23:14,375
Tony Danza's comin' right at me.
492
00:23:14,411 --> 00:23:17,546
I get it, you're
fancy. All right. Bye.
493
00:23:17,582 --> 00:23:18,582
Bye.
494
00:23:18,616 --> 00:23:20,448
- Hi.
- Miranda, this is Tony.
495
00:23:20,484 --> 00:23:22,717
- Tony, this is Miranda.
- Hello, Miranda.
496
00:23:22,753 --> 00:23:25,454
Such a pleasure to meet
Che's significant person.
497
00:23:25,490 --> 00:23:28,456
Hi... Oh, I'm
thrilled to meet you.
498
00:23:28,492 --> 00:23:30,537
Well, then, you
know I was just saying to Che,
499
00:23:30,561 --> 00:23:32,206
we should, we should have
dinner tomorrow night, huh?
500
00:23:32,230 --> 00:23:34,296
The three of us?
What do ya say?
501
00:23:34,332 --> 00:23:38,003
- You're the boss.
- Cute, cute. She's cute.
502
00:23:38,603 --> 00:23:39,868
- It is "she," right?
- She!
503
00:23:39,904 --> 00:23:41,904
Yeah, okay. See?
I'm two for two.
504
00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:53,951
- So, I circled back to Chloe on her circle back.
- And?
505
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:57,985
And she's making it seem like this is
a dealbreaker for "Sex and the City."
506
00:23:58,021 --> 00:24:01,760
So, uh, I
bolded the important bullet points.
507
00:24:02,326 --> 00:24:05,827
- Let's give it another shot.
- Mm. No, let's not.
508
00:24:05,863 --> 00:24:08,730
I appreciate your
zeal but
509
00:24:08,766 --> 00:24:11,400
I think my vagina has to
write its own monologue.
510
00:24:11,436 --> 00:24:13,268
Thank God.
511
00:24:16,207 --> 00:24:19,941
Well, if you need any help,
I got a ton of great ideas.
512
00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:01,717
Oh, my God. Who
did this to you?
513
00:25:01,753 --> 00:25:03,651
EZ Blow on 68th Street.
514
00:25:03,687 --> 00:25:06,858
Juan Jose, you made your
point. I got back with Zed.
515
00:25:08,860 --> 00:25:10,304
Look, I'm not gonna
beg. Do you want this
516
00:25:10,328 --> 00:25:12,293
top-of-the-line tequila
and my apology or not?
517
00:25:12,329 --> 00:25:14,162
Why are you apologizing for?
518
00:25:14,198 --> 00:25:15,897
For taking what you
said too personally.
519
00:25:15,933 --> 00:25:17,465
I know you meant well.
520
00:25:17,501 --> 00:25:20,468
Not necessarily. I
blow hot and cold.
521
00:25:20,504 --> 00:25:22,838
I told this one
not to have kids,
522
00:25:22,874 --> 00:25:25,540
I told that one
her bangs were bad,
523
00:25:25,576 --> 00:25:28,677
and I told that one
to please get a lipo.
524
00:25:28,713 --> 00:25:32,284
No one's listening, but I
was right about the bangs.
525
00:25:32,951 --> 00:25:35,050
Abdal, Kiki's gonna finish you.
526
00:25:35,086 --> 00:25:38,320
Seema is back.
She's my number one.
527
00:25:47,565 --> 00:25:49,468
Oy. Qué es esto?
528
00:26:11,389 --> 00:26:14,590
Nya, I can't talk now. I'm saving
the planet. You're welcome.
529
00:26:14,626 --> 00:26:16,992
Well, I'm saving myself
530
00:26:17,028 --> 00:26:22,064
by de-Andre-fying my
apartment and my life.
531
00:26:22,100 --> 00:26:24,766
Sayonara, tacky-ass
Japanese lantern
532
00:26:24,802 --> 00:26:27,469
he bought in a Tokyo
airport in 1999!
533
00:26:27,505 --> 00:26:29,232
You're getting rid
of Andre Rashad?
534
00:26:29,268 --> 00:26:32,074
No, he got rid of himself.
535
00:26:32,110 --> 00:26:34,542
He told me he hasn't
cheated on me yet.
536
00:26:34,578 --> 00:26:37,412
And then, after our
many conversations
537
00:26:37,448 --> 00:26:41,116
about my complicated feelings
about having a baby...
538
00:26:41,152 --> 00:26:43,586
he suggests a surrogate.
539
00:26:43,622 --> 00:26:45,953
A surrogate! Miranda!
540
00:26:45,989 --> 00:26:49,324
He hasn't heard me at
all. Not in two years!
541
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:52,194
So, that's it!
Because motel girl
542
00:26:52,230 --> 00:26:55,230
plus the surrogate
equals I'm done!
543
00:26:55,266 --> 00:26:57,933
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm not.
544
00:26:57,969 --> 00:27:00,872
So, I'm carefully
packin' his things.
545
00:27:01,372 --> 00:27:03,809
Buh-bye, patchouli incense.
546
00:27:04,142 --> 00:27:09,077
Later, lame-ass college
roommate's mixed-media
547
00:27:09,113 --> 00:27:11,847
"collage homage to Nubian women"
548
00:27:11,883 --> 00:27:13,719
made of Korean weave hair!
549
00:27:14,219 --> 00:27:17,223
Bonfire of the beanies at 11!
550
00:27:17,689 --> 00:27:18,921
- Miranda.
- Oh, hold on.
551
00:27:18,957 --> 00:27:20,789
I have to go. Here's your bag.
552
00:27:20,825 --> 00:27:22,757
I'm sorry, my kid's
school just called.
553
00:27:22,793 --> 00:27:25,660
There was some micro-aggression
over a Squishmallow.
554
00:27:25,696 --> 00:27:29,164
- Preschool drama.
- Go, go! I, I can get an Uber home.
555
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,436
Okay, bye. Sorry.
556
00:27:31,836 --> 00:27:34,203
Um, Nya, I should hang up.
557
00:27:34,239 --> 00:27:37,539
Cell phones and environmentalists,
not a great match.
558
00:27:37,575 --> 00:27:40,943
Do you know anybody who wants to
buy six or eight guitars, cheap?
559
00:27:40,979 --> 00:27:43,281
I'm havin' a "goin'
out of Andre" sale.
560
00:27:43,548 --> 00:27:45,781
Okay. Buh-bye.
561
00:27:47,986 --> 00:27:49,755
We're makin' real progress, huh?
562
00:27:50,155 --> 00:27:52,053
The Earth is already dead.
563
00:27:52,089 --> 00:27:54,790
We're basically just
cleaning up a corpse.
564
00:27:54,826 --> 00:27:57,263
You're a delight.
Let's talk more.
565
00:27:57,862 --> 00:27:59,531
Not funny.
566
00:28:01,933 --> 00:28:04,566
- Well... here we are.
- Mm.
567
00:28:04,602 --> 00:28:06,901
-Are we ready?
-Oh, I'm so ready. I am so ready.
568
00:28:06,937 --> 00:28:09,371
You just tell me when. You
know, you give me the sign.
569
00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:10,705
Take that trash can right there,
570
00:28:10,741 --> 00:28:12,841
I'm gonna throw it right
through this window.
571
00:28:12,877 --> 00:28:16,912
Nope. I am gonna kill
them with kindness.
572
00:28:16,948 --> 00:28:19,047
- Oh.
- They are gonna give me that dress back
573
00:28:19,083 --> 00:28:20,916
and I'm gonna
bring my baby home.
574
00:28:20,952 --> 00:28:23,519
Oh, you are so clever!
575
00:28:23,555 --> 00:28:24,751
Mm.
576
00:28:25,857 --> 00:28:29,261
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
577
00:28:29,794 --> 00:28:30,926
Wow.
578
00:28:30,962 --> 00:28:33,465
There's some really
great stuff in here, hm?
579
00:28:33,898 --> 00:28:35,901
No, there isn't.
580
00:28:36,434 --> 00:28:37,667
No, there isn't.
581
00:28:37,703 --> 00:28:39,234
Hello.
582
00:28:39,270 --> 00:28:40,770
I am Charlotte York-Goldenblatt.
583
00:28:40,806 --> 00:28:43,205
You may have received my emails.
584
00:28:43,241 --> 00:28:44,773
I don't know.
585
00:28:44,809 --> 00:28:47,342
Well, they were numerous.
586
00:28:47,378 --> 00:28:51,379
Oh, my God... Oh,
my God, oh, my God.
587
00:28:51,415 --> 00:28:54,783
Oh, my God. These
Sonia Rykiel b...
588
00:28:54,819 --> 00:28:56,251
How has nobody bought these?
589
00:28:56,287 --> 00:28:59,555
H... How long have they
been just sitting there?
590
00:28:59,591 --> 00:29:01,227
I don't know.
591
00:29:02,626 --> 00:29:04,959
- What?
- I have an itty-bitty problem
592
00:29:04,995 --> 00:29:08,130
and I am sure that you and
I can solve it together.
593
00:29:08,166 --> 00:29:10,065
- What is your name?
- Eden.
594
00:29:10,101 --> 00:29:14,135
Eden! You and I together,
Eden, can solve this.
595
00:29:14,171 --> 00:29:16,404
So, my daughter, Lily,
596
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,306
sold you a bunch of clothes,
597
00:29:18,342 --> 00:29:21,076
and she is still a minor.
598
00:29:21,112 --> 00:29:23,478
Surely you have
rules against this.
599
00:29:23,514 --> 00:29:26,715
This isn't a bar.
We don't card.
600
00:29:26,751 --> 00:29:29,321
Starting fresh.
601
00:29:29,921 --> 00:29:31,090
Eden...
602
00:29:33,357 --> 00:29:35,891
I am looking for
this Chanel dress.
603
00:29:35,927 --> 00:29:38,326
Is it at this location?
604
00:29:38,362 --> 00:29:39,628
I don't know.
605
00:29:39,664 --> 00:29:41,997
Well, maybe you could look here
606
00:29:42,033 --> 00:29:45,266
in this little computer to see.
607
00:29:45,302 --> 00:29:49,237
These boots are in
super-good shape.
608
00:29:49,273 --> 00:29:52,408
You are sleeping with
the enemy, Carrie.
609
00:29:52,444 --> 00:29:53,845
I'm sorry.
610
00:29:59,483 --> 00:30:00,594
- Great Job.
- Thanks.
611
00:30:00,618 --> 00:30:02,321
- Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, thank you.
612
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,459
Oh, my God... Oh, my God.
613
00:30:11,495 --> 00:30:15,430
Ugh, ugh!
Ugh, I lost my phone!
614
00:30:15,466 --> 00:30:16,926
Did anybody see a phone?
615
00:30:16,962 --> 00:30:19,802
Oh, my God, um, I-I-I-I-I
don't have my phone,
616
00:30:19,838 --> 00:30:21,436
and I need it to call Uber.
617
00:30:21,472 --> 00:30:23,338
Uber's a Ponzi scheme.
618
00:30:23,374 --> 00:30:26,145
Again?! So helpful!
619
00:30:27,045 --> 00:30:28,610
God.
620
00:30:28,646 --> 00:30:30,516
Did you... Uh, did
you see a phone?
621
00:30:30,749 --> 00:30:33,986
- I lost my phone!
- Bummer!
622
00:30:34,686 --> 00:30:35,720
Damn it.
623
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:40,526
Ah, fuck... Ah,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
624
00:30:47,065 --> 00:30:49,701
♪ On a dark desert highway ♪
625
00:30:50,101 --> 00:30:52,868
♪ Cool wind in my hair ♪
626
00:30:56,374 --> 00:30:59,244
♪ Rising up through the air ♪
627
00:30:59,843 --> 00:31:06,048
♪ Up ahead in the distance,
I saw a shimmering light ♪
628
00:31:06,084 --> 00:31:09,317
♪ My head grew heavy
and my sight grew dim ♪
629
00:31:09,353 --> 00:31:12,457
♪ I had to stop
for the night ♪
630
00:31:12,723 --> 00:31:15,825
♪ There she stood
in the doorway ♪
631
00:31:15,861 --> 00:31:19,494
♪ I heard the mission bell ♪
632
00:31:19,530 --> 00:31:21,430
♪ And I was
thinking to myself ♪
633
00:31:21,466 --> 00:31:23,665
Hi! Hello.
634
00:31:23,701 --> 00:31:25,233
I'm sorry to accost you,
635
00:31:25,269 --> 00:31:28,003
but I, I, I lost my phone
trying to save the planet,
636
00:31:28,039 --> 00:31:29,270
and I wonder if I could borrow
637
00:31:29,306 --> 00:31:31,310
one of yours for a
super quick call?
638
00:31:31,877 --> 00:31:34,076
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you so much.
639
00:31:34,112 --> 00:31:37,212
- You're welcome.
- Oh, could you open that for me?
640
00:31:37,248 --> 00:31:40,281
-Yep.
-Thank you. All right.
641
00:31:40,317 --> 00:31:41,887
- Want some?
- No, thank you.
642
00:31:48,093 --> 00:31:49,291
Breathe.
643
00:31:51,930 --> 00:31:54,796
Mm. Unknown caller.
644
00:31:54,832 --> 00:31:57,069
Better not be the
Democrats again.
645
00:31:59,571 --> 00:32:00,672
Hello?
646
00:32:01,072 --> 00:32:03,105
Carrie, it's Miranda.
I lost my phone.
647
00:32:03,141 --> 00:32:05,273
Well, whose phone is this?
648
00:32:05,309 --> 00:32:07,642
Uh, a nice surfer
in a parking lot.
649
00:32:07,678 --> 00:32:11,750
- Why are you so very fancy?
- What's Che's phone number?
650
00:32:12,483 --> 00:32:13,949
You don't know
Che's phone number?
651
00:32:13,985 --> 00:32:15,150
Don't say it like that.
652
00:32:15,186 --> 00:32:17,152
Nobody knows anybody's
number anymore.
653
00:32:17,188 --> 00:32:19,054
All right, hold on a
second, I'll look it up.
654
00:32:19,090 --> 00:32:20,489
You see?
655
00:32:22,193 --> 00:32:23,291
Hi.
656
00:32:23,327 --> 00:32:25,164
She's just getting me a number.
657
00:32:32,704 --> 00:32:34,469
- Hello?
- It's Miranda.
658
00:32:34,505 --> 00:32:35,838
Why aren't you home yet?
659
00:32:35,874 --> 00:32:37,834
Ugh, I lost my
phone on the beach,
660
00:32:37,870 --> 00:32:39,775
and I can't call
an Uber without it.
661
00:32:39,811 --> 00:32:41,009
Can you come and get me?
662
00:32:41,045 --> 00:32:44,446
At the beach?
It-it-it's rush hour.
663
00:32:44,482 --> 00:32:47,315
It'll, It'll take me, like, an
hour and a half to get there.
664
00:32:47,351 --> 00:32:49,288
We have dinner with
Tony Danza in an hour!
665
00:32:50,188 --> 00:32:52,121
Well, I don't, obviously.
666
00:32:52,157 --> 00:32:55,991
Shit. Do
you want me to cancel, or...
667
00:32:56,027 --> 00:32:59,331
You can't cancel.
It's Tony Danza!
668
00:33:03,366 --> 00:33:06,368
Okay, I have an idea. I'll send
someone to get you. Where are you?
669
00:33:06,404 --> 00:33:09,408
Oh... can you tell
them where I am?
670
00:33:11,675 --> 00:33:18,217
Um... we're, like, off PCH, um,
like, across from Neptune's Net.
671
00:33:20,017 --> 00:33:22,718
- You got that?
- Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it. Stay there.
672
00:33:22,754 --> 00:33:24,756
Where the fuck else am I going?
673
00:33:25,557 --> 00:33:27,021
- Shit.
- Thank you.
674
00:33:27,057 --> 00:33:29,892
- You're welcome.
- Uh, please stop offering me that.
675
00:33:29,928 --> 00:33:32,628
So, where am I?
Neptune somethin'?
676
00:33:32,664 --> 00:33:33,736
- Yeah.
- It's up there.
677
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,798
Neptune's Net, is that way.
678
00:33:35,834 --> 00:33:38,467
Oh, okay. That way, all right.
679
00:33:38,503 --> 00:33:40,502
Thank you guys so much.
You saved my life.
680
00:33:40,538 --> 00:33:43,175
- A-A thousand times thank you, thank you.
- You're welcome.
681
00:33:44,241 --> 00:33:45,241
Good luck.
682
00:33:45,342 --> 00:33:47,843
♪ Last thing I remember ♪
683
00:33:47,879 --> 00:33:50,682
♪ I was running for the door ♪
684
00:33:52,350 --> 00:33:54,249
♪ I had to find
the passage back ♪
685
00:33:54,285 --> 00:33:58,248
♪ To the place I was before ♪
686
00:33:58,284 --> 00:34:01,557
♪ "Relax," said the
night man we are... ♪
687
00:34:07,632 --> 00:34:09,565
Okay. I found it.
688
00:34:09,601 --> 00:34:10,866
It is in a warehouse.
689
00:34:10,902 --> 00:34:13,869
Fine... I give up.
I'll buy it back.
690
00:34:13,905 --> 00:34:15,871
You can't. It's on hold.
691
00:34:15,907 --> 00:34:18,105
What? It's on hold where?
692
00:34:20,111 --> 00:34:22,443
- I don't know.
- Listen, Eden, my husband
693
00:34:22,479 --> 00:34:25,413
is a partner at a major
New York law firm,
694
00:34:25,449 --> 00:34:27,582
so you might wanna
watch your tone
695
00:34:27,618 --> 00:34:29,384
or I am gonna call your manager.
696
00:34:29,420 --> 00:34:31,790
Hey, Charlotte, can I have a
word over here? Real quick.
697
00:34:36,227 --> 00:34:38,226
Dead as she is,
698
00:34:38,262 --> 00:34:41,897
I don't think Eden can take
much more interrogation.
699
00:34:41,933 --> 00:34:43,064
And she's got a phone.
700
00:34:43,100 --> 00:34:45,800
You're, like, this
close to being a meme.
701
00:34:45,836 --> 00:34:48,865
I know. I don't know
what's wrong with me.
702
00:34:48,901 --> 00:34:51,139
And even if I got
the dress back,
703
00:34:51,175 --> 00:34:53,779
I don't even know if Lily
could fit into it anymore.
704
00:34:55,246 --> 00:34:57,279
First the Chanel,
and then the Chopin.
705
00:34:57,315 --> 00:34:59,752
I just feel like she's rejecting
everything I ever gave her.
706
00:35:00,518 --> 00:35:04,553
Is she rejecting it, or is she,
you know, like you just said,
707
00:35:04,589 --> 00:35:06,822
is she outgrowing it?
708
00:35:06,858 --> 00:35:08,489
You know? And that's
healthy, right?
709
00:35:08,525 --> 00:35:10,962
Wanting to change and move on.
710
00:35:12,162 --> 00:35:14,997
Eh, who am I to say? I'm still
fighting to save "Sex and the City."
711
00:35:15,033 --> 00:35:17,103
I'm not sure it fits
me anymore either.
712
00:35:22,173 --> 00:35:24,506
- I don't need that dress.
- Mm-mm.
713
00:35:24,542 --> 00:35:26,608
I have the memory.
714
00:35:26,644 --> 00:35:29,881
And Lily...
Whoever she is now.
715
00:35:30,314 --> 00:35:34,010
- Let's go.
- Yeah, but, um, before we go, can I just get the other boot?
716
00:35:34,046 --> 00:35:36,151
Then I'll have a pair.
717
00:35:44,228 --> 00:35:50,536
♪ I'll ride into town on
an old truck from Japan ♪
718
00:35:52,703 --> 00:35:55,165
♪ Across a dead dust desert ♪
719
00:35:55,201 --> 00:35:58,844
♪ Where the heat
rots everything ♪
720
00:36:01,245 --> 00:36:04,379
Miranda... Che
sent me. I'm Lyle.
721
00:36:04,415 --> 00:36:07,419
Oh. Fair warning, Lyle...
722
00:36:08,487 --> 00:36:09,588
I smell.
723
00:36:14,654 --> 00:36:16,062
How bad is it?
724
00:36:17,694 --> 00:36:21,229
I used to shuck
oysters in high school,
725
00:36:21,265 --> 00:36:24,936
- so it's nostalgic.
- Oh. That's generous.
726
00:36:25,703 --> 00:36:27,514
Thank you so much for
driving all the way out here.
727
00:36:27,538 --> 00:36:29,471
Actually, I live out here.
728
00:36:29,507 --> 00:36:32,675
- Yeah, I work at the Malibu Soho House, so.
- Malibu Soho, nice.
729
00:36:32,711 --> 00:36:33,845
Lyle: Yeah.
730
00:36:34,412 --> 00:36:35,878
And what do you do there, Lyle?
731
00:36:35,914 --> 00:36:37,974
I'm a mixologist.
732
00:36:38,010 --> 00:36:39,214
Used to be called a bartender
733
00:36:39,250 --> 00:36:41,684
before their margaritas
hit 22 bucks.
734
00:36:43,121 --> 00:36:44,887
And, uh, how do you know Che?
735
00:36:44,923 --> 00:36:46,253
We were married.
736
00:36:47,893 --> 00:36:49,725
Technically, we still are.
737
00:36:54,898 --> 00:36:56,543
So, ukulele, huh?
738
00:36:56,567 --> 00:36:58,834
Oh, yeah, you bet.
739
00:36:58,870 --> 00:37:00,703
That's what I
heard.
740
00:37:00,739 --> 00:37:02,838
Tony Danza: Mm.
741
00:37:02,874 --> 00:37:04,110
- Che.
- Mm?
742
00:37:04,976 --> 00:37:08,209
I'm really excited about
being in your project.
743
00:37:08,245 --> 00:37:10,012
I feel like there's
a "but" coming.
744
00:37:10,048 --> 00:37:12,751
Well, there is. Uh,
I-I can't be Mexican.
745
00:37:14,052 --> 00:37:15,751
I mean, it-it's
just not gonna fly,
746
00:37:15,787 --> 00:37:17,752
especially these days.
747
00:37:17,788 --> 00:37:20,755
I mean, I thought because
he's Mexican-American
748
00:37:20,791 --> 00:37:22,924
and it's a comedy, I
thought I'd be okay,
749
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,627
but I'm already getting
pushback on social media.
750
00:37:25,663 --> 00:37:28,296
And rightly so.
I'm not Mexican.
751
00:37:28,332 --> 00:37:30,698
Okay, but
my father's Mexican.
752
00:37:30,734 --> 00:37:31,812
-Yeah, yeah. I know, I know...
-I mean...
753
00:37:31,836 --> 00:37:33,268
But he doesn't have to be.
754
00:37:33,304 --> 00:37:34,937
He can be Italian, like me,
755
00:37:34,973 --> 00:37:37,639
and we switch your
mother to Mexican.
756
00:37:37,675 --> 00:37:39,107
But I'm Irish/Mexican.
757
00:37:39,143 --> 00:37:42,743
Ah, Italian is just
Irish with better food.
758
00:37:42,779 --> 00:37:45,150
The important thing is
to preserve the Mexican.
759
00:37:45,516 --> 00:37:48,416
So, I spoke to ABC,
and if you approve,
760
00:37:48,452 --> 00:37:51,053
- your Irish mother is now dead...
- Mm.
761
00:37:51,089 --> 00:37:53,655
And we switch all of
her emotional scenes
762
00:37:53,691 --> 00:37:56,257
to the Mexican
grandmother, your abuela,
763
00:37:56,293 --> 00:37:58,927
who, by the way, is killing
it in the run-throughs.
764
00:37:58,963 --> 00:38:01,629
- Hm.
- Listen... kid,
765
00:38:01,665 --> 00:38:04,065
I want you to
succeed. I really do.
766
00:38:04,101 --> 00:38:07,101
I think what you're doing here
is really important and cute.
767
00:38:07,137 --> 00:38:10,939
I think you're gonna open a lotta
hearts and change a lotta minds.
768
00:38:10,975 --> 00:38:14,580
But you're not gonna do that
with Tony Danza as a Mexican.
769
00:38:15,113 --> 00:38:18,479
I-I-I've, I've come too
far to get canceled now.
770
00:38:18,515 --> 00:38:21,553
And the Danza-lions
agree with me.
771
00:38:22,119 --> 00:38:24,019
I'm sorry, the Danza-lions?
772
00:38:24,055 --> 00:38:25,457
My hardcore fans.
773
00:38:26,524 --> 00:38:27,923
Oh.
774
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,299
So, what got into you last week?
775
00:38:37,335 --> 00:38:39,070
Me. I got into me.
776
00:38:39,403 --> 00:38:42,203
I sometimes get lost in my head.
777
00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:46,942
But those five amazing texts from
you helped me find my way back.
778
00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,549
I have a proposition for you.
779
00:38:52,851 --> 00:38:54,549
I'm all ears.
780
00:38:54,585 --> 00:38:57,319
There's an opportunity to
invest in this new private club
781
00:38:57,355 --> 00:38:58,756
here in Manhattan.
782
00:38:59,256 --> 00:39:00,759
They just want $200,000.
783
00:39:02,059 --> 00:39:04,997
So... let's go in as partners,
784
00:39:05,730 --> 00:39:07,365
$100,000 each?
785
00:39:07,698 --> 00:39:11,937
Interesting... And what's
this club called, "Red Flag"?
786
00:39:12,336 --> 00:39:15,170
I thought those five
texts were suspect.
787
00:39:15,206 --> 00:39:17,404
Three would've been appropriate.
788
00:39:18,543 --> 00:39:19,507
I-I-It's not like that.
789
00:39:19,543 --> 00:39:21,544
Th-This is a
legitimate investment.
790
00:39:21,580 --> 00:39:23,082
Yeah, well...
791
00:39:25,917 --> 00:39:27,550
maybe...
792
00:39:27,586 --> 00:39:29,588
but I'm investing in myself.
793
00:39:30,255 --> 00:39:32,021
Juan Jose was wrong.
794
00:39:32,057 --> 00:39:33,692
I was right.
795
00:39:35,193 --> 00:39:36,595
Where are you going?
796
00:39:38,629 --> 00:39:40,833
We're having chocolate mousse.
797
00:39:41,099 --> 00:39:43,102
Who the fuck is Juan Jose?
798
00:39:58,449 --> 00:40:01,387
You are not gonna believe what
just happened to me at dinner.
799
00:40:04,489 --> 00:40:07,523
- What's that face?
- I don't know your number.
800
00:40:07,559 --> 00:40:08,919
E-Excuse me?
801
00:40:08,955 --> 00:40:10,691
Your phone number.
802
00:40:10,727 --> 00:40:13,732
I had no idea. I
had to call Carrie.
803
00:40:14,332 --> 00:40:17,836
Also, I had no idea
you're actually married.
804
00:40:18,570 --> 00:40:21,370
Well... technically.
805
00:40:21,406 --> 00:40:22,615
Yeah, we're both such slackers,
806
00:40:22,639 --> 00:40:24,677
we never got around
to getting divorced.
807
00:40:25,076 --> 00:40:27,076
Che, I don't know who you are.
808
00:40:27,112 --> 00:40:29,078
Well,
809
00:40:29,114 --> 00:40:32,114
well, join the club 'cause
up until an hour ago,
810
00:40:32,150 --> 00:40:34,382
I thought I was Mexican/Irish.
811
00:40:34,418 --> 00:40:37,255
Tony Danza and
ABC just made me Italian.
812
00:40:37,621 --> 00:40:40,989
- La fungoule!
- I'm serious.
813
00:40:41,025 --> 00:40:43,061
Yeah, and please don't be.
814
00:40:43,661 --> 00:40:46,097
I've got enough on
my plate right now.
815
00:40:46,530 --> 00:40:47,963
And we're having so much fun.
816
00:40:47,999 --> 00:40:50,999
Let's, let's not let
your lost phone...
817
00:40:51,035 --> 00:40:53,669
become a couple's
existential crisis, okay?
818
00:40:53,705 --> 00:40:57,572
My number is three-four-seven...
819
00:40:57,608 --> 00:40:58,919
five-three-two...
820
00:40:58,943 --> 00:41:01,809
Mm, mm. Nine-nine. Mm, mm.
821
00:41:01,845 --> 00:41:04,112
Are you getting this? Mm.
822
00:41:04,148 --> 00:41:06,152
Mm, mm.
823
00:41:06,785 --> 00:41:08,187
Mm.
824
00:41:08,553 --> 00:41:12,754
Never thought I could, but I can
actually live with what I wrote.
825
00:41:12,790 --> 00:41:14,793
Yeah,
it's really funny.
826
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:18,160
Is there, is there
an inordinate amount
827
00:41:18,196 --> 00:41:21,163
of box activity in
the hallway today?
828
00:41:21,199 --> 00:41:23,032
Chloe: Hey. I
hope you're happy.
829
00:41:23,068 --> 00:41:24,966
You two wouldn't
talk about her vagina
830
00:41:25,002 --> 00:41:26,934
and now everyone's outta work.
831
00:41:26,970 --> 00:41:29,770
That's ridiculous,
Chloe. What happened?
832
00:41:29,806 --> 00:41:32,507
Every show is over,
that's what happened.
833
00:41:32,543 --> 00:41:36,679
They sold these studios to Apple
or Peach or whatever the fuck.
834
00:41:36,715 --> 00:41:39,681
I told you: sinking ship.
835
00:41:39,717 --> 00:41:42,017
Word of advice,
Carrie, next job,
836
00:41:42,053 --> 00:41:44,190
don't be so precious
about your pussy.
837
00:41:47,325 --> 00:41:49,558
Well, I'll take that to heart.
838
00:42:04,910 --> 00:42:06,241
Okay, but...
839
00:42:06,277 --> 00:42:10,078
you've said, more than
once, I might add,
840
00:42:10,114 --> 00:42:11,980
that we could always...
841
00:42:12,016 --> 00:42:14,849
- sell the podcast somewhere else.
- Well, that was before.
842
00:42:14,885 --> 00:42:17,122
It's hard to sell something
that's been canceled.
843
00:42:17,722 --> 00:42:20,355
Wanna try?
844
00:42:20,391 --> 00:42:23,029
I don't know if it's
smart to go any further.
845
00:42:25,964 --> 00:42:27,967
With the podcast?
846
00:42:29,701 --> 00:42:30,703
Carrie...
847
00:42:31,402 --> 00:42:33,047
you've made it pretty clear
that you want this to be
848
00:42:33,071 --> 00:42:34,169
a, a Thursday thing,
849
00:42:34,205 --> 00:42:36,772
and... I'm starting
to feel like...
850
00:42:36,808 --> 00:42:38,340
maybe I want more.
851
00:42:38,376 --> 00:42:41,880
So, if Thursday's
still the case...
852
00:42:42,747 --> 00:42:44,179
I better get out
853
00:42:44,215 --> 00:42:46,615
before I'm all fucked up
Friday through Wednesday.
854
00:42:48,119 --> 00:42:52,424
- Well, I wouldn't want that.
- Yeah. Neither would I.
855
00:42:52,952 --> 00:42:53,959
Well...
856
00:42:54,659 --> 00:42:57,592
thank you for the
"Sex and the City."
857
00:42:57,628 --> 00:43:00,729
Double entendre intended.
858
00:43:00,765 --> 00:43:03,135
See? You are the writer.
859
00:43:09,172 --> 00:43:13,412
Carrie: And just like that,
I freed up my entire week.
59813
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