All language subtitles for The.Other.Two.S03E08.Brooke.Hosts.a.Night.of.Undeniable.Good.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

"What a loser.

"I hate ChaseDreams.
He sucks.

"Loser.
Loser.

"ChaseDreams sucks. Asshole.

Loser.
Sucks."

And that's just one comment.

I'm so sorry.

This is all my fault.

I mean, it's not all my fault.

It's just, everyone still
thinks I'm this bad man,

and I'm not.
- Yeah.

You know, and it's
giving me anxiety.

Hold on.

You have anxiety?

Yeah, and it's
making me depressed.

What--wait.

You have anxiety
and depression?

I mean, I guess so.

Oh, my God.

I have a client...

Struggling with mental health.

Chase, you beautiful boy.

Do you know what this means?

There's money in singing,
but if we can make you

the face of mental health,
my gosh--

Shuli, no.

This is disgusting.

Why? He has anxiety.

He said it himself.

I thought you'd be
on board with this.

He could do a lot of good.

Oh.

Yeah?

I mean,
he does have anxiety,

so it's not a lie.

And having him talk
about mental health

could empower others.

So I could do
what I wanted all along:

Good.

I could finally do good--

Girl, don't just do
the thing I did.

Okay, sorry.
How does this help me?

I just want to stop looking bad
and go back to being me.

First things first,

we'll set you up
with a therapist...

Okay.

App.

A therapist app.

Hi.

I'm pop singer ChaseDreams.

I used to be bad
and want to punch my mom,

but then I went to therapy,
and now, I'm all better,

because therapy works,

which is why I've partnered
with BetterHealth

to give away $1 million
in free therapy to you.

Because we all struggle
sometimes, including me,

the new face of mental health, ChaseDreams.

♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪

And then we're gonna go
shopping on Main Street,

and walk through that
little park with the ducks.

Do you remember
that park, Cary?

- Uh...
- And then we're gonna go back

to Lisa's and order dinner

from El Poncho Taqueria.

Ooh, I can't wait.

I think you might be
the first person ever

to be excited to go to Ohio.

Well, I am.

Things have been so crazy here.

I just want
a simple weekend back home.

Reconnect with the old me.

Are you sure
you don't wanna come?

It is your high school
reunion tonight.

Yeah, no,

I am absolutely
not going to that.

I just--I don't know.
I thought I was gonna be

more successful by now.

Like, if I'm gonna go,

I need to make sure
I fully win.

Sorry.
Aren't you so successful?

What about "Night Nurse"
and "Emily Overruled"

and the Disney movie?
And now "WindWeaver"?

I mean that show's a hit, Cary.

It's number one on Netflix,
after that show

where the puppies run
the errands.

What else are you looking for?

Yeah, I know it's a hit.

But I still don't know

if they're gonna do
more seasons,

so it's not like I have
job security,

and even if they do,
my character doesn't talk.

And it's just
a dumb wizard show.

It's not, like, important or--

Oh, sorry, Cary.
My copter's here.

And I gotta get
to my plane ASAP,

because all the stores
on Main Street close at 3:15.

Oh, this is my agent.

She wants me
to give her a call.

Okay, well, have fun.

Tell no one I said hi.

Cary...

- Cary!
- Hey, Mackenzie.

Guess what.
Or wait, can you hear me

over the sound of the ocean?

I'm back in the Hamptons.

Again?

Yes.
Yeah, I can hear you.

Great, because I have
incredible news.

Netflix just picked up
"WindWeaver"

for three more seasons.

Wait.
What?

Yeah.
I mean, it makes sense.

It's the biggest show
Netflix has

that doesn't involve puppies
running errands.

Oh, and get this.

They wanna make you

a series regular.

What?

A series regular?

Wait. Is this real?

Like, how?
Why?

Well, you know
how "WindWeaver"

is based on those books?

Apparently, the fifth book

is being published Friday,

and in that book, it's revealed
that your character,

the little serf elf
with no lines,

is actually the one
who weaves the wind.

What?

Holy fucking shit.

My-- my character

is the WindWeaver?

It's my--I'm the WindWeaver?

It's insane.
Right?

Apparently, the books end up
being all about

how the least of us hold
the most power,

so your lowly, gay elf ends up
being the WindWeaver.

Oh, did I mention
your character's gay, too?

- So it's also important?
- Yeah, and this will all be

on "Deadline"
in, like, an hour.

This is, comically,
everything I ever wanted.

I guess--I guess I should go
to my reunion.

Shit.
Okay, it starts in six hours.

It's an eight-hour drive.

I'm gonna have to race.

Mackenzie, find me
a rental car upstate, stat.

- That is not my job--
- Okay.

Hi, everyone.
Hello. Hi.

I just wanna say thank you
so much for doing this.

As you all know, Chase,
and by extension, me,

are all about doing good now,

and more specifically,
all about mental health,

which is why I am so proud

to be producing this telethon
for "P!",

which aims to raise
$250 million

for mental health awareness.

Clap for me.

Anyway, note that we're
going live in a few,

but I need this to go well,
so if you have a prob,

just let me
or one of my co-EPs know.

- Hi.
- But remember,

this was my idea, not theirs.

- Yep.
- Hmm.

Also, this is Effie,
our COVID officer,

here to make sure
that you are all

physically safe while working.

And this is Jules,
our mental health officer,

who is here to make sure

that you are all
emotionally safe.

Okay, I think I have
all my bases covered.

So let's go raise
some insane money.

Oh, please, don't say insane.

Oh, sorry.

Thank you, Jules.

Welcome to "ChaseDreams

"and BetterHealth present

A Night of Undeniable Good,"

an eight-hour event
raising money

for mental health awareness,

featuring performances
from singers

who get anxious sometimes,

like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt,

and the cast of "Hamilton,"
still.

Plus a teen
mental health town hall

led by Dr. Gregory Neal,

and a powerful speech
from Parkland survivor

insert name of
Parkland survivor we can get.

- Whoops.
- Now here's your host,

ChaseDreams.

Hello.
Good evening.

Thank you for joining me.

As you know, mental health
is something

I've cared deeply about
for five weeks.

Hi.
Um, sorry.

You know the therapist
doing the town hall?

- Mm-hmm.
- Apparently,

he's been sexually harassing
the crew.

Wait.
What?

Aw, Lisa, it's
so nice to be back.

Everything is just
as I remembered.

And don't you just love
these jackets?

Jenny's Jeans really
does have the best stuff.

I know.
I love all the buttons

and the studs, and only $9.

I mean, you really don't
need to spend

more than $9 on a jacket.

There's no reason.
- Nope.

Aw, and this pond is
just as I remember, too.

And I bet these are
even the same ducks.

Do you want to feed them?

We could get bread
at Benny's Bread.

It's right on Main Street,
next to Jenny's Jeans.

Aw, I'd love to.
You know, it's really too bad

that Cary decided not to come.

Okay, if I keep going 90,

I should be able to make it
for at least the last hour.

Aw.
Aw. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you. That's so nice.

Yeah, I was already planning
on coming,

and then the news came out.

And the news came out.

So--Oh, my God.
Thank you.

Aw, that's so nice.
Thank you so much.

Yes.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Out you go.

I was already
planning on coming.

Stop.
...the news came out.

Planning on coming anyway.

So nice.
Thank you so much.

My God!

Whoa.
I did?

I don't even remember that.

What the heck?
- Hi, um...

You've been throwing piss
on me for, like, the last hour.

Oh, wait.

Are you the WindWeaver?

Oh, yeah.

I am, yeah. Thank you.

And let me guess:
now you're racing home

to win your reunion.

How'd you know that?

'Cause I just found out
I'm gonna be

Kamala Harris's
new chief of staff,

so I'm racing home to win mine.

- Oh.
- And here.

I recommend a diaper

so you can make it in time,

but still show respect
for other gays on the road

racing home to their reunions.

Oh, is it more than
just the two of--

oh, yeah,
there's one in front of me.

Uh, okay, so obviously,

I can't have a sexual predator
on my "Night

of Undeniable Good."
- No, of course not.

But I also can't lose
my mental health therapist

'cause he's here
to do the good.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Was he grabbing
girl or guy butts?

'Cause if it's guys, I mean...

No, I don't know
what you mean.

You know, I think Melanie

and Streeter and I
have got this.

But thanks
for letting us know, girl.

Love you.
- Thank you so much.

Yeah, love you.
Love you.

Okay.
How about we just ask

these women not to say
anything?

You know, just stay silen...

Well, not stay silent.
That's not what I'm saying.

It's just, you know,
maybe these women

were flirting with him.
Maybe they were asking for--

eh...

Not asking for--oh, my God.

Everything people say
that gets them in trouble,

I'm actually saying.
It's crazy.

Your brain really
does go there.

Please, don't say crazy.

Jesus.
Yes.

Thank you, Jules.
- Wait.

I know a Bravo therapist

who might be able to fill in.

But a heads-up:
most of his advice

to the teens in crisis will be

to just let
Bethenny be Bethenny.

Fine.
Whatever.

If he's a therapist,
then call him.

Because the good move
is to fire the predator,

so that is what I am doing.

Now I am off to watch
more of my goodness.

Thank you, John Krasinski,
for that beautiful poem

while flexing.

When we come back, a message

from a Parkland survivor.

And before that,
three performances

from John Legend
that will make you say,

"Huh, I think he
just doesn't like to be home."

Okay.

Hi, um, more bad news.

Apparently,
the Parkland survivor

has COVID.

Oh, my God.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay.

both: ♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ Our reunions
we will crush tonight ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ No one will be
more successful than we ♪

♪ Or understand
Kamala better than he ♪

both: ♪ Because we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪

Oh, look, a third gay.

♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

both: ♪ And now I am sitting
in my own pee ♪

♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪

all: ♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪

No, but really.

♪ Think of what they'll say
when they see me ♪

- ♪ See me ♪
- ♪ All my classmates ♪

♪ With their sad little lives ♪

- ♪ Sad little lives ♪
- ♪ Think of what they'll say ♪

♪ How they'll swoon
and scream ♪

♪ When the WindWeaver arrives ♪

- Holy shit, Cary Dubek?
- Oh, my God.

Everyone, stop
what you're doing.

Cary Dubek's here.

This is literally like

if Brad Pitt came
to his reunion.

all: ♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪

♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪

♪ 'Cause high school for us
was full of tears ♪

♪ So sad, oh, well ♪

♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪

♪ And look at our résumés ♪

♪ Holy shit, wow ♪

♪ The gays are coming ♪

all: ♪ The gays are coming ♪

♪ Home to win the night ♪

It makes it look, like,
super clean

or something like that.
Oh, my God.

This is gorgeous, Lisa.

Yep.
Finally, have my dream kitchen.

Oh, I'm so jealous.

I wish my kitchen
was bee themed.

And I saved money
on a designer

by buying this little
stencil kit at Kathy's Crafts

on the other side
of Jenny's Jeans,

and just stenciling
the bees on myself.

I love that you have
bees flying around

on every single cupboard.

I actually did bees flying

around the whole house.

I mean, why not?
I had the stencil.

I'm gonna take a picture.

This is so cozy.
- Thanks.

And aw.

I used to have that sign.

Don't you love it?

Meg got me that
for Mother's Day.

She and Mark know to only
ever get me something

with a bee on it now, or else.

And how are Meg and Mark?

The same.
That reminds me.

How's Brooke?

What's she up to now?
- Oh...

Are you sure he can't stay
for seven more minutes?

You know, he's on
right after the break.

Sorry.
Protocol.

Yes, totally.

Safety is so key.

Fuck.

I can't lose my therapist

and my Parkland teen.

Do you know how humiliating
it will be

to have an eight-hour
mental health telethon

without one Parkland kid in it?

Ooh, I know.

What if we chloroform her?

Oh, my God, Streeter, no.

We can't chloroform
the COVID lady

on my "Night
of Undeniable Good."

Fine.

This way.
This way.

- What?
- Hmm?

- Where are we going?
- I have an idea.

I saw a broom closet upstairs.

What if we just...
lock her in it for ten?

Are you out of your mind?

That feels just as bad
as chloroforming her.

No, it's no big deal.

We just lead her in

and let the door shut
behind her.

And then we say, "Oh, no.

"We thought this was him.

Our bad.
We'll go get help."

And then we just let her out
right after he speaks.

No harm, no foul.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

His dressing room's up here?

I think so.

Almost there.

You cannot lock
a full woman

in a broom closet
on our night of good.

We'd still be doing
net good.

It's one woman in a closet
for half of "Seinfeld"

so millions of teens can hear
this Parkland kid's message.

I mean, his speech
is beautiful.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Breakdown to the stage.

Okay, fine.
But just ten minutes.

Okay, hands in.
We're doing good on three.

One, two, three.

all: We are doing good.

Okay.

Let's do this.

I feel so stupid.

No one here is gonna--

Holy shit.

Cary Dubek.

Oh, my God.

Everyone, stop
what you're doing.

Cary Dubek is here.

Whoa!

This is like if Brad Pitt

came to his reunion.

Wait.
This is literally the song.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe you came.

- Cary Dubes, dude.
- Yeah.

Wait a minute.
What's going on?

It kind of smells
like piss over here.

Oh, that's for sure me.

I'm literally
covered in piss 24/7.

It's the joy of having
a one-year-old.

Oh.

Wow.
Cary Dubek, hi.

Sorry. Can I get a pic?

My wife and I love
"WindWeaver,"

and now you're the full star?

Thank you.

That's so nice.

But, um, uh, ah, are, ew.

Sorry.
What's that, Cary?

Uh, ow are you?

Oh.
I think he's asking how we are.

Yeah.
Sorry.

Oh, no.
We see each other 24/7.

I'm sick of hearing
about these people.

- Yeah.
- Seriously.

So wait.

You just want me to talk
about myself

all night?

all: Yes!

I mean, if you insist.

Thank you, John Legend.

Another B-plus.

And now, a quick announcement
for all you at home.

Starting now, if you tweet
about the show

using the hashtag
#ANightOfUndeniableGood,

you will get one month
of therapy

courtesy of BetterHealth.

So tell all
your mentally ill friends

to tune in and tweet,
and let's make this

the most-watched telethon ever.

Okay, we'll be right back
after the break

with insert name of whatever
Parkland teen we get.

Okay.
Set's right this way.

Follow us.

I'm trying.
You're just going really fast.

Well, we're just
eager to get you

out there to tell your story.

- Hello?
- Hey.

Is COVID lady still in there?

Mm-hmm.
Help's on the way. Sorry.

We really thought
this was his dressing room.

- Okay.
- I feel so weird

about this, Brooke.

Like, that Parkland kid

does have COVID.
- No.

Do not get cold feet now.

Plus, who can he hurt
in the next minute?

Hi.
Sia?

I'm such a huge fan.

"Rolling In The Deep" is
one of my favorite songs.

Fuck.
He's giving Sia COVID.

Hey.
Hey, bud?

Let's just keep it moving, okay?

I'm sure Sia is very busy.

Can I maybe give you a hug?

- No, no.
- No.

You know what?
It's fine.

Everyone has to be vaccinated,

so even if she does get it,
it'll be a cold.

She's young.
- Right.

And is this your grandma?

I have to give you
a hug, too.

Oh, my God.

We killed Sia's grandma.

Streeter, quit being psycho.

Oh, please don't say psycho.

God, can someone

please put a bell on them?

Shit.
He's on in 10 seconds.

Uh... uh...

Grandma, stay
away from the boy.

Step back, Grandma.

- What? What?
- Up we go.

No, no. Don't worry.

We're all doing good.
We're doing good here.

- This is good.
- Okay.

Good coming through.

- What he's doing is good.
- It's all good!

And now, a moving message

from Parkland survivor
Cameron Kasky.

Thank you, Chase.

As many of you may know...

Hi.

We have a problem
with Ben Platt.

What the fuck?

God.

You are just so famous now.

And it makes sense.
I remember in high school,

you won "Most likely to win
an Academy Award."

I did?

I don't even remember that.

God, I don't know what I won.

Well, I got "most likely
to succeed," which is sad,

'cause now I'm a dentist,

which is nothing
compared to Cary.

Oh, being a dentist
isn't nothing.

Yes, it is.
It's truly nothing.

Seriously, I tell everyone
I was in "Grease" with you.

Oh, that's sweet.

Are you still acting?
- Oh, no.

I do marketing
for a local theater now,

which is nice, 'cause
the hours are flexible,

but it's still creative.

God, this must sound
so small time to you.

No.
Please, you are not small time.

Yes, she is.
She is small, I am big.

And, hey.
I'm so happy you're out now.

I had no idea
you were closeted in school.

It must have been so hard.

No, no.
And now, I'm winning.

So let's go back
to how I'm winning.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Wow.

Hey, Owen?

So cool you're here.

Great to see you.

Yeah.
I wasn't gonna come,

but I just got
some insane news.

- What?
- I'm gonna be...

an understudy on Broadway.

Wow.
That's so cool.

You should talk
to Cary Dubek

since you guys are, like,
in the same industry.

Hey, yo, Dubes.

Wait.
You came? Fuck!

I can't be the second
most successful gay

at this reunion.
That's fucking nothing.

No.
Gosh.

We're having a great time.

Jesus.

This is the best night
of my life.

I may need to sing again.

Shit.
But we already announced

their company's $100-million
donation on air.

But that was before
the company CEO found out

there was a gay person
on the show.

And he's crazy conservative,
and he says

that if we let
Ben Platt perform,

he'll take their money back.

I'm so sorry.
- Well, thank you.

Where are you going?
- Fuck.

Doing good is impossible.

No wonder I didn't do it
for 35 years.

Okay, so what do we do?

Let me just try
and go talk to him.

Right.

I mean, listen,
I hate gays too.

Penises in butts?

How and why, sir?

They're the ones who
are mentally ill.

Am I right?

It's just that Ben's
already here, you know,

so let's just... let him
do his little song.

Sorry.
But I won't budge on this.

I mean, can you believe it?

He will take his money
back if you perform.

Jesus.
That is so shitty.

I know.

So obviously, you--

Are going out there,
more determined than ever

to not be silenced.

Yas, queen.

Fucking gay people. Fuck.

Okay, I know.
What if we chloroform him?

No.
Let's just game this out.

- All right.
- We can't tell Ben to leave,

'cause that would look bad.
- Yeah.

Plus, mental health
does affect

the LGBTQ community,

so it is good to have
a gay person on this.

Representation
is worth so much.

But is it worth $100 million?

- I don't know.
- Like, if it was 5 or 10...

- Brooke, hey.
- Hi.

I had an idea.
What if we do a thing

where, every time
someone buys my last album,

they get a month
of free therapy?

What? Absolutely not.
That's gross.

But we just said if people
tweet about this show,

they get a month of therapy.
What's the difference?

Well, Bud,
you'd be doing it

to help album sales,
which is bad.

But I'm doing it
to help promote this show

that helps the whole world,
which is good.

So...

No, yeah.

Yeah, right.

Sorry for asking.

Okay.

I know what we're gonna do.

We're gonna accidentally lock
Ben Platt

in the broom closet, too.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, I've had
an agent for a while,

but now I have a lawyer
and a manager.

That is so crazy.

I have none of that.

♪ It's happening ♪

♪ Look how they fawn ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

- Wow.
- Yeah, we shoot in Croatia,

but luckily, they
have to fly me first.

Lucky.

We did a friend trip
to Hawaii last year,

and we were in
the very last row of coach.

Aw.

♪ It's happening ♪

♪ I am their god ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

Hey, would you mind
FaceTiming my brother-in-law?

He's a huge fan.

My brother-in-law's
also a fan.

Girls, girls,
there is plenty of me

for every brother-in-law.

♪ Their lives were empty
before I came ♪

♪ 'Cause they're just people,
but I have fame ♪

all: Aw.
- Already?

But I guess I do need
to relieve the sitter.

And what time is
soccer tomorrow?

- Drinks on Thursday, right?
- Love you.

♪ They'll never forget
this epic night ♪

It was so great seeing you.

♪ I hope when I leave,
they will be all right ♪

I think
we can all safely say,

you won this reunion, bro.

♪ Tonight was just
how I hoped it'd be ♪

♪ Add this to the list
of successes for me ♪

♪ The gay has come home ♪

♪ And won the night ♪

Ha!

Let's see.

That's why we call it
wine o'clock Zumba.

- Food's here from Pat's fave.
- Yum-yum!

I have been dreaming
about El Pancho Taqueria.

That's 'cause nobody does
Mexican like Tony and Mike.

Anyway, you have
to come back next summer, too,

so you can pontoon.

Oh, 100%.
I will be on that pontoon.

We thought it was gonna be
a hassle having one.

You know, taking it
out in the winter.

But you just pay one fee,
and the marina does it all.

- Love that.
- But if you do go, Pat,

do not let Robin pull you
on that tube.

She nearly broke my neck
she went so fast.

You just had
one too many Kim Crawfords.

Uh, it was the weekend.

There's no such thing
as one too many Kim Cs.

I'm on her side.

And speaking of,
I just wanna say,

thank you so much
for having me back.

This has truly been
the perfect day.

Melanie,
let the COVID lady out.

We need the closet
for Ben Platt.

Wait.
What?

Okay.

Hi, ma'am.
I am so sorry about the mix-up.

We--wait.
Where did she go?

Oh, my God.

I think she escaped
through the vents.

What?
There's a lady in the vents

on my "Night
of Undeniable Good"?

It absolutely appears so.

Ugh!

So if we can't throw
Ben in a closet,

how else are we
gonna distract him

so he misses his performance?

Well, I know you're
gonna be mad, but--

Streeter, no chloroform.

Now think.

How else can we distract
a gay man?

Oh, my God.

Brooke, I'm a daddy.

Hey, twink.
- Excuse me?

What do you say
we blow off this fundraiser

and I go...

step on your bones,
or break your neck?

Or is it legs?

I'm going to--
I'm going to--

I will break
any bone in your body

that you want me to break.

Well, Ben Platt filed
a sexual harassment complaint

against you, so I guess
I have to fire you now, too?

Okay, but this is great.

This means he isn't gay,
or he would have loved that.

- Oh, just go.
- Brooke!

Sorry, but Ben's on
in 15 minutes.

Fuck.

I can't lose $100 million.

I know.

Maybe Streeter was right?

Maybe we do chloroform him?

I actually saw some
in the broom closet.

Refinance today,
and your new loan

could save you
hundreds of dollars.

And get one of our certified
pre-owns at Akron Auto World,

home of the most enormous
American flag you've

ever seen in your goddamn--

Where is the turnoff?

What the fuck?
Did I just miss the turnoff?

And why does it smell
like full piss in here?

- Okay, but like...
- Uh-huh.

It's good that we're
chloroforming Ben Pratt,

because this money can help
a lot of people.

And he said he was tired
when he got here,

so he'll just think
he slept through his song.

Plus, I already have
the "Hamilton" cast

ready to go on instead.

They're gonna sing
"The Room Where It Happens,"

but in this version,

the room
is a therapist's office.

Ew.

Maybe it's worth $100 million

to not hear that.

Also, like, what
if we kill Ben Platt?

Oh, my God.
We're not gonna kill Ben Platt.

Just focus.

We are doing this for good.

But if you ever say
anything about the good

that we did here,
I will end you.

Okay, fine.

Let's do this.

both: Hi.

Hey.
What's up?

Do you think that--

Just stay there, because...

We just wanna...

- Oh, my--
- Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ.
Are you okay?

- Oh.
- Hey, girl,

aw, we just sent
the maintenance man up.

Who the fuck is this?

Oh, are you Ben Platt?

Yes.

Well, you have COVID
and need to leave immediately.

- I--what?
- Wait, what?

- Yeah.
- Yes!

I mean, no.

He does?

Oh, so he can't perform?

He can't perform,
and it's his fault.

Fuck.
This sucks.

I feel like I'm letting
the whole gay community down.

You are.

You are letting them down.

Melanie, girl,
we fucking did it.

Fuck!

Okay.

Hi, can I use
your bathroom, please?

- It's out of order.
- That's okay.

I just need the bathroom room.

Why do you need
the bathroom room?

'Cause I'm wearing
a fucking diaper,

and I need to take it off.

Yep. I've been sitting
in my own piss

for the last six hours,
so may I please

just use your bathroom room

so I can take off my diaper,
kind sir?

Sounds like you had
a pretty rough night.

It's actually one
of the best nights

of my entire life.

Ugh.

God.

What?
Is there no service in here?

Fuck.

Come on.

Fuck.

What the fucking fuck?

Well, this night
sucked my ass.

Yeah.
That was 100% cuckoo bananas.

Oh, yeah, please don't say
"cuckoo bananas."

Just kidding.
Have a great night.

Okay.

Oh! Watch where you're going,

you fucking psycho.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, but hey,

this might cheer you up.

Chase's album is
number one on iTunes.

Wait.
What?

What do you mean?
- Yeah.

He tweeted he'd give
a free month of therapy

to anyone who bought
his last album,

and this whole country
is sick,

so it went straight
to number one.

Kind of smart.
Well--

Wait.
No.

I specifically told him
not to do that,

and he just did anyway?
Fuck.

The whole reason
we pivoted him to mental health

was so that people wouldn't
think he was bad anymore.

But then he does
this shit thing?

Ugh!

Why is it so hard to do good?

Okay, if you do think that,

I wouldn't look behind you
right now.

What in the actual fuck?

Hi.

Can I use
your bathroom, please?

Another one?

Right.
Totally forgot.

It's reunion season.

There's actually another
diaper guy in there now, but--

we should probably
check on him.

How are you doing?

My own piss in my eyes.

Oh, god.

I can--

I can take it from here.

I don't know.
I don't--I'm lost.

I'm, like, fucking lost.

Yeah, no.
I'm lost too.

No.
I think I'm, like, lost lost.

Like, I just had
this great night,

and immediately, I don't know,
left and just felt unhappy--

or, like, not happy,

and I don't know why.

Like, I am the star

of the number-one show
on Netflix

without puppies shopping.

So why do I feel like
I'm about to fucking cry?

I feel lost lost, too,

which is insane, 'cause I have
Kamala's phone number.

Like, if I called her now,
she'd answer.

It's just like I have
everything I ever wanted.

So what am I missing?

Like what else
am I looking for?

Oh, one of my classmates is
videoing me on Instagram.

So weird.

One of my classmates
is videoing me, too.

Hello?
- Hello.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

He picked up.
Shut up.

Hi. It's Alicia.

Sorry.

I don't mean to be
a full stalker--

Yes, we do.

We were just talking

about how you won

"most likely to win
an Academy Award."

So we got out
Jesse's yearbook,

and guess what I won.

- Wait for it.
- "Most likely to win

an Academy Award
for Best Actress."

So you should feel
really good about yourself

because I'm
a literal dog walker now.

- Thank you.
- Wait.

Cary, what are you doing now?

Want to come hang?

I mean, I'm sure, no,

'cause you're fully famous

and we're just, like,
watching "Survivor."

Oh, I thought
only gay people

watched "Survivor" now.
- What?

I think everyone does.

Anyway, it's just
a cazh friend hang,

if you want to come.
- Yes, come!

- Come on, Dubes.
- Max, Max, Max.

You gotta come.
It's a friend hang.

Okay, no,
let's let him go.

But come if you want.

I'll DM you the address.

Okay.
Great. Great.

I appreciate it.

God, it's so obvious
what I've been missing.

It's so clear what I need.

Hey, would you want
to get a drink as frien--

wait, what?

Mackenzie,

I need to win the Academy Award

for Best Actor
in a Motion Picture.

Good night, Pat.

Good night, Lisa.

Wazzup?

I'm not here.
Leave a message

after the beep.

Hey, I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.

And I just wanted to let
you know about my day.

My friend picked me up
from the airport,

and we went shopping

and then got ice cream
and fed the ducks in the park,

then went back to her house
and ordered dinner

with some other friends.

And the whole time,
the whole day,

I just kept thinking,

"I am so fucking bored."

I just--I was so excited
to come back, but I--

I hated every minute of it.

Everything we did,
I thought, "How much longer

do I have to do this for?"

All afternoon, if you want.

We walked through town,
and I found it small.

We bought clothes
I used to wear,

and I felt foolish in them.

- Pat's fave.
- And everything we ate

was so awful.

I was embarrassed
to be putting

food like that in my mouth.

And the houses were so ugly.

These people should be in jail

for what their houses
look like.

I wish my kitchen
was bee-themed.

I just-- I kept thinking,

"Thank God I don't think
this shit

looks good still."
I wanna take a picture.

Eventually,
the day was so long,

I started to get
physically mad

it was still happening

because the conversations

were so mind-numbing.

And the marina does it all.

And the jokes weren't funny.

One too many Kim Cs.

I just--
I was with my friends,

but I wasn't.

I was outside them

because they were the same,

and I was different.

I am different.

And I just--

I don't think
I can come here again--

not ever again.

Anyway, this is
a lot of texts,

and I know we're not
together anymore,

but I just wanted to say hi

and that I miss you...
and your dick.

God, I miss
your big, fat dick.

Oh, my God.
Those were all tweets again.

Delete, delete, delete.

both: ♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ Our reunions
we will crush tonight ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ No one will be
more successful than we ♪

♪ Or understand Kamala
better than he ♪

both: ♪ 'Cause we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪

Oh, look, a third gay.

♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

both: ♪ And now I am sitting
my own pee ♪

♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪

all: ♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪

No, but really.

♪ Think of what they'll say
when they see me ♪

♪ See me ♪

♪ All my classmates with
their said little lives ♪

♪ Think of what they'll say,
how they'll swoon and scream ♪

♪ When the WindWeaver
arrives ♪

all: ♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪

♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪

♪ 'Cause high school,
for us, was full of tears ♪

♪ So sad, oh, well ♪

♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪

♪ And look at our résumés ♪

♪ Holy shit, wow ♪

♪ The gays are coming ♪

all: ♪ The gays are coming ♪

♪ Home to win the night ♪