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[ Sniffs ]

[ Man ] Here,
at the London Plaza Theater,

we are privileged
to be watching...

a very special
demonstration cut today,
ladies and gentlemen.

Raymond Robertson.

[ Applause ]
[ Coughing ]

Last year's winner
of the British Hairdressing
Championships.

And the year before that,
and since I'm counting,

Perm of the Year Award
1978 and '79.

Redken Salon of the Century
runner-up, 1995.

International Team Member,
Helsinki Women's Blow Dry, 1998.

Raymond Robertson.

Gentlemen, ladies.

I have an announcement
to make...

that will change the face
of this town forever.

Something of a coup.

That's with a "P", Stanley,
if I say so myself.
[ Clears Throat ]

Let's hear it for London's own,
Ray Robertson !

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Bravo !
Ladies and gentlemen,

today, as the president...

of the British Hair Federation,

Well done.
I am proud to announce...

the lucky town
which will play host...

to this year's championship...

is...

Keighley !

As Lord Mayor of the town
of Keighley,

I am proud to announce that
from a long list of competitors,

our hometown
has been chosen to host--

wait for it--

this year's British
Hairdressing Championships.

Come again ?

This year's British
Hairdressing Championships.

[ Camera Shutters Clicking ]

I'm sorry.
It does that sometimes.

Well, is that it then ?
Hairdressing ?
Hold the back page, lads.

- Now, lads.
- That's just crap.

Come on, boys.
This competition's gonna change
the face of this town.

Ungrateful bastards.
You'll be sorry.

Tony, can anyone enter ?

No. Professionals only.

I am a professional.

Time to wake up, love.

[ Groaning ]
[ Alarm Clock Beeping ]

How many times ?
Bloody dirty boots downstairs.

[ Alarm Clock
Continues Beeping ]

[ Weakly ]
Tea.
In the pot.

Shelley !

Good luck, love.

[ Whistles ]

[ Man ]
No, not a chance, Tony.
Come on, Phil, lad.

Chance to add
to the silverware.
No.

You're joking me.

You're not gonna enter ?
King of the bloody scissors.

Mr. Numero Uno.

Keep still, will ya ?
I'll have your ear off.

And you needn't look
so bloody interested.

Well, I can't help hearing,
can I ?

It's team cutting, you know.
Think of it, Phil.

Father-and-son team.
Brian's on for it.

Listen, I did competitions
for ten years, and that were
ten years too many.

I'm a barber.
He's a barber.
End of story.

Short back and sides,
and you're out on your arse.

- We could walk it, Dad.
- Enough.

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Knock On Door ]
Come in.

Hello.

Mrs. Birkett. Shelley.

Robert.

Why don't I start ?
Pardon ?

I'll kick off, shall I ?
Right.

See if I can
remember it all.

Ah, yes.

There are a number of ways
we can proceed.

Obviously there's another
course of chemotherapy,

though this would be your--
what is it now--

third course
in as many years.

It looks like someone in the
remission department's trying
to tell you something there.

Then, there's
the bone marrow donor
transplant option,

which, as we know, is about
as likely as the pope
on a pogo stick.

So, not to beat about the bush,
you've had it, I'm afraid.

- You're stuffed.
- Shelley--

Am I right ?
Shelley,

chemotherapy--
Come on, Robert.
Am I right ?

Yes.

Don't you just love
being right, eh ?

[ Clattering ]
All right, love ?

- Mum.
- You got a minute ?

Well, you know--

I need a chat, love.
Maybe pop up later, eh ?

- Yeah, maybe.
- Tonight ? I'll cook.

Can't tonight,
I'm working.

Tomorrow ?

I'll give you a ring,
all right ?

[ Chuckles ]
You could shout
and I'd hear ya.

Yeah, well.

Look,
he's in a right mood.
I'd better--

Ta-ra.
Yeah...

ta-ra.

Now don't go dying on me
under there.

Small step for you,
great step for mankind.

Well ?
All clear.

One hundred percent ?

One hundred percent.

Oh, that's my girl !

Be a darling, Vincent.
Wet nails.

[ Woman ] Please,
do not take the hair dryers
from the hotel bathrooms.

I want Christina here with me.
Get a bit of a buzz going.

Would you kindly check us in,
please, Louis ?

Pleasure, treasure.
Thank you.
That's it, my love.

Now you just stand there with me
and let them all have
a nice look at you.

You see those three jokers ?
Kilburn Kutters.

Brothers.

Jasmine's married to Robert.
She's a nightmare.

Great model, mind.
Chris, what have you
been using, eh ?

I don't know.
Just some stuff I found
in the cupboard.

Are you take--
Are you having me on ?

I'm sorry.
Mum uses it.

Well, you're not with your mom
in Minneapolis now, are you ?

You're with me.
There's something you've gotta
realize pretty fast, darling.

The competition has started.
Dad.

I haven't see you in ages.
I'm on vacation.

You asked me to model,
I didn't ask you.

No, the whole town's
full up.

But my dear, dear girl,
this reservation
was made months ago.

There's nowt down in book.

I don't care about
the bloody book, sweetie.
I just want our rooms, okay ?

We don't have any.
We're full up.

Room key, Mr. TJ ?

Ah, the Randolph Suite.
[ Chuckles ]

He's nicked our rooms.
That bastard's nicked our rooms.

He's a bitter old bastard,
basically.

And he's past it.

No, no, he is.
I don't care what folks say.

So he's got some trophies,
won a few things.

They go back to the bloody
Ice Age them do, mate.

Back to when the bloody Yeti
were wandering High Street
looking for a shampoo and set.

Whole new world now, mate.

More like sculpture
is modern styling.

Tell you, if Henry Moore
were born now,

he wouldn't piss around
with marble and statues
and stuff,

he'd be an hairdresser.

Who were you talking to ?

Mr. Barry Birt.
Ah.

There we go, Mr. Birt.

Have a good trip.

[ Louis ]
Well, they said you're in luck
'cause we've just had a vacancy.

[ Ray ] No wonder.
It's in the middle
of bloody nowhere.

- Says they do a good breakfast.
- You are joking, aren't you ?

It's the last on the list.
You can sleep in the car !

I'm sorry, love.

[ Chickens Clucking ]

[ Door Opens ]

What ?

Great Uncle Barton.
Ninety-three.

Nonsmoker. The viewing's
the day after tomorrow, Noah.

[ Noah ]
Ah.

Well, come in
if you're coming.

Plenty of room.
Just acquired an extra bedroom.

Lovely.
Lovely, that's it, Barbara.

Yes, the whole works.
Go for burn.
Go for burn, Dot.

Come on, go for burn !
Go for burn !

Bloody gyrobics.

Aerobics.

At my age,
I'll call it what I like.

You hardly said not
but two words to me,
you have.

What's on your mind ?

I'm a hairdresser, Daisy.
Nothing's on me mind.

Your tests were due
this week.
Was it ?

And ?

Fine, you know.
All clear.

That'll be why you're
crying then, is it ?

I thought you couldn't see.

I can't, you soft lass.
You're dripping all over me.

[ Sniffles ]

Sorry.
Come on.

Don't give in
on the bugger.

I already have, Daisy.

You most certainly
have not, young lady.

[ Sniffling ]

Listen, I've had a long time
to think about dying.

And there's only
one good thing knowing
you're on your way,

and that's
sorting it all out.

I never had a chance
with Harry.

One minute,
he were feeding the cat...

and smelling up the kitchen
with his home brew.

And the next minute,
he just weren't. Gone.

I never said good-bye.

All them little ends
I never tied up.

So, my dear, you've tied up
all your ends, have you ?

Absolutely, Daisy.

I've got an ex-husband
who hasn't talked to me
in ten year,

a son who's embarrassed
to be in the same town as me,
let alone the same room,

and a girlfriend
who thinks the only problem
we've got this year...

is what color
to paint the salon.

Yeah, I'd say I've pretty much
tied the ends up now.

Well, you'd better get
a bloody move on then,
hadn't you ?

Oh, bloody fantastic.

Where'd you get it from ?
Leeds Train Station.

They're having a refit.
Cheap, but it works all right.

**

Oh, it's good.
It's very good.

Thanks, lads.
See you later.

All right, Shelley.

Brings it all back,
does that.

Hair By Night were my favorite
when I were modeling.

Phil would cook up
the most amazing dos.

Big rigs, you know.

Well, he better
get a move on.

Entries close
end of tomorrow.

Ten years too late
for that, Tony.

That's just what Phil said.
You know something ?

There's not a single team
from Keighley
in the whole competition,

and we're hosting
the bloody thing.

That's typical
around here, that is.

I mean, we got
a veteran cutter,
you a veteran model.

There's Brian in the business,
and Sandra, another top model.

And what do you do
when the circus
comes to town, eh ?

In front of your home crowd,
you watch.

Tony,
we're not even speaking.

I'm not asking you
to speak, am I ?

I'm asking you to cut.

Christina.

[ Woman ] There.
[ Ray ]
Don't forget your roots.

If you like these,
you'll let me color for you ?

If.
And that's a big "if".

What's in this mix, anyway ?
It don't look right to me.

[ Christina ]
Hmm, looks fine to me.

"Fine" might be all right
in your mother's salon,
but you're gonna have to...

do better than that
if you're to color for me.

"Fine" don't win
competitions.

Well, Dad, just give me
a chance, will you, okay ?
I'm a good colorist.

I can't see it meself.
It's only hair, isn't it ?

Only hair ?

You can tell a lot
from a man's hair.

Oh, aye ?
Oh, aye.

For instance.

Hey.

You washed it
three days ago...

[ Sniffs ]
with avec.

[ Sniffs ]
T.T.S.T.

Tea-Tree Scalp Treatment.
And it were cut--

rather well as it happens--
two and a half weeks ago.

- What ?
- By Phil Allen.

How'd you know that ?

Phil ?
Still cutting then ?
Who's Phil Allen ?

See that ? Tiny point
at the nape of the neck.
Unmistakable.

- He's out of it, Ray.
Has been for years.
- But who is he ?

- Nobody.
- ** [ Radio ]

** [ Louder ]

* Good morning, starshine

* The earth says hello

* You twinkle above

* We twinkle below

* Good morning, starshine

* You lead us along

* My love and me
as we sing *

* Our early morning
singing song *

* Gliddy glup gloopy *
Sandra...

you know this, uh,
hair competition ?

Yeah.
Should we go for it ?

You serious ?

Yeah.

Oh, Shell, I don't know.

That were a long time ago.
I'm hardly model material now.

You've got beauty hair,
and you know it.

We'll get Brian to do
Men's Timed Cut...

and Phil to do Total Look.

Brian... and Phil.

Don't see why not.

Oh, come on, Shell.
How many reasons
do you want "why not" ?

How about this for starters ?
You were married to him.
I was his model.

You and me ran off together,
night before national
championships.

Don't, Sandra.
Phil Allen hasn't said two words
to me in nearly ten years.

And you haven't said
two words to him.

It's time you both
bloody well started.

Oh, it is, is it ?

Sandra, I thought
you'd be up for it.

Well, I'm not saying
I'm not, love.

But if we're gonna do it,
can't we do it without him ?

No.

Well, I reckon Phil Allen
would rather cut me throat
than me hair,

to be honest with you.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, I'd love another
crack at it, though, Shell.

I really would.

* Mmm, the closer you get

Get out the moisturizer
and the mud packs...
* The better you look

because I'm the oldest person
on that stage by about 29 years.

* The better you look
the more I want you *

* When you turn on your smile
Et voila.

* I feel my heart go wild

* I'm like a child
Looking good, girl.

* With a brand-new toy
Looking good.

* And I get
the sweetest feeling, honey *

* The sweetest
To us.

* Baby, the sweetest

[ Coughs ]
You sure this isn't
conditioner ?

* Ooh, yeah

Ah. "Tastes better when
drunk in bed." Hmm ?
** [ Continues ]

* Baby

Be right there.

* The more you thrill me

Aye...

* It's more
than I can stand *
to us.

* Girl
when you hold my hand *

* I feel so grand
that I could cry *

* And I get the

* Mama, the sweetest

* Sweetest feeling
* Baby, the sweetest

* Sweetest feeling
* Loving you *

[ Bell On Door Dings ]

Take a seat.
Be out in a sec.

Brian, shop.

Social call, is it ?

Just wanted a word.

Brian.
With you and all.

Please.

Hiya, Brian.

Mum.

Look, I know
it's mad, but...

I'm going in
for the competition.

I was wonderin'--

Well, what about it ?

It's one salon per town,
and nobody's even entered
for Keighley.

We're sort of a salon.

Well, could be...
technically.

I checked the rules.

Same family.
Technically.

Well, we could do it,
you know.

It wouldn't take much
to get back
in the swing of it.

Be like old times.

Old times stopped
ten years back, lass,
when you upped and went.

Finished your breakfast ?
We're open.

Brian, what about it ?

Please...

be my guest.

It's your choice, lad.

That were a good one, Phil.

One for the album, I'd say.

[ Rooster Crows ]

[ Louis ]
Oh, my. Christina ?
Yeah ?

Biological warfare unit
for you.

Guess I need
a bit more practice.

Louis, you're coloring.

If I had real models
to practice on, I'd do
a better job, right ?

[ Ding ]

One of the nastiest
double crowns I've ever had
the misfortune to tackle.

How the mighty have fallen.

Eh, Phil ?

It's seven-fifty a cut,

and two quid extra
if you want it washing.

[ Scoffs, Snorts ]
Wonderful.

Seven-fifty.
I'm in a museum.

There's no charge
for using the door.

Oh, come on, Phil.

I should be the one
bearing grudges around here.

Who nicked whose model, eh ?

Past life, Ray.
We could be talking about
another man altogether.

So, we won't be seeing
the flashing scissors
tomorrow then ?

No.
Well, it's a shame.

I'm on for
the treble this year.

Win it--
Win it this time,

I get--
I get this for keeps.

Won't that be something ?

Nice if you like
silverware, I guess.

I wonder if you
would have got the treble.

You know, if--

if Sandra hadn't done
a runner with Shelley,
that is.

Don't push it, Ray.

Well...

sorry I couldn't tempt you.

[ Chattering ]

** [ Dance ]
Hello. Yes.

So what are you doing
staying up at Noah's farm then ?

Sorry ?

It is Christina,
isn't it ?

Brian. You.
How, um,

how are you ?

Oh, not so bad.
Not so bad at all.
What about you ?

Fine, yeah, yeah.

Are you...
Are you--

modeling ?

Yes. Yeah.
Yeah, I, um,

I was coloring too,
but...

I messed up
on some wig tests
and Dad's banned me now.

So, what about you ?

Oh, me ? No, um...

I mean, I'm cutting
in me dad's shop, but...

not competitions.

Oh.

Well, you've changed a bit.

[ Both Chuckle ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's, um,

wonderful to see such
a broad church here tonight.

We have teams
from all three corners
of the United Kingdom.

To win the coveted
Silver Scissors Trophy,

these giants
of the styling world...

will do battle
over four events.

These are the, um--

The Women's Timed Blow Dry.

Uh, the Men's Freestyle,
where...

members of our lovely
audience will be styled.

Um, Hair By Night--
evening wear, evening hair.

And finally the Total Look,

where the follicle
meets the metaphysical,
ladies and gentlemen.

But remember, folks,
all competitors...

must adhere strictly
to the Federation rules.

In your dreams.

You'll find a copy
in your gift bags by the door.

Entries must be in
by midnight tonight.

So, don't hang about.
Big up the big hair.

Look at them.

I've swept better hairstyles
off the floor of our salon.

I'm off to bed.
You coming ?

Uh, maybe I'll just hang out
a little bit longer.
Just till I finish my drink.

Suit yourself.
Keep an eye on her.

Okay.

[ Woman ]
Hello, love.

Eh-up, chuck. Nice to see you.
It's okay, Phil's not entering.

Of course. He's been
off the circuit ten years.

Well, there's no harm
in checking. I don't want
anything messing this one up.

Have you got the combs ?
Shh !

Sorted.

Now where's Christina ?

Come on, love, we're going.
Big day tomorrow.

Dad, it's Brian.
Do you remember ?

Oh, aye.
Yeah, saw you
at the salon.

Salon ?

He used to be somebody,
your dad.

Too scared
to even enter now.

Yeah, well, I'm not.
Oh !

Junior league, is it ?
Christina.

I'll get a taxi.
I'll see you later.

I thought
you weren't entering.

I wasn't.

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

It were a nice idea,
love.

There's always next year.

Brian,
what are you doing, love ?

I'm not cutting
for you permanent,
just the competition.

So, what about it ?
Are you on for it ?

Of course I am.

Sandra ?

Right.

Hey, you'll have to do
something about that if I'm
to work with it tomorrow.

Rehydrating conditioner
or axle grease.

Don't start, you.

Brian, I shouldn't even
be talking to you.
My dad will kill me.

Your dad will never know.

Anyway, you said you need
coloring practice,

and I definitely need
to get my scissor fingers
loosened up for tomorrow.

So--
Yeah, but--

Shit, Brian.

I've never, uh,

I've never seen
a dead person before.

I mean, not... really,
not close up.

Keeps on growing
after you die, you know.

Pretty spooky, that.
Hair and the nails.

This is Uncle Barton.

I think you're sleeping
in his bed.

Does it bother you ?

A bit.

No volume, no real hold.
That's the problem.

I use volumizing conditioner.
That helps give it
a bit of body, I find.

So, what about it ?
Take color, will it ?

[ Church Bell Tolling ]

Jesus.

Style me.
What ?

I want styling.
You're being done tomorrow.
What more do you want ?

Not that.

This.

A love-heart, I think.

Jas, I can't be doing that.

I mean, what the Jesus
is Robert gonna think...

if he sees a love-heart
on your pubic triangle ?

Listen, darling.
To Robert,

this is the bloody
Bermuda Triangle.

So, if you want it...

you better cut it.

[ Brian ]
Your dad really
won't let you color ?

I just don't get it.
I spent ages...

practicing with Deacon
in my mom's salon.

Deacon ?

Boyfriend... sort of.

Sort of ?

Yeah, you know.

Right. Better get
a shift on, eh ?

Gotta get him back to rights
before morning.

Give us a hand here.
We'll fix him up and then
we'll do Uncle Barton.

Always were a weird kid.

I missed you.

You were only seven.

I still missed you.

Me too, Christina.

Me too.

[ Groans ]
[ Screams ]

Chris,
it was just a kiss !

[ Screaming ]

Christina !
I'm sorry.

He's alive, Brian.
He's alive !

Oh, no. It's just air
trapped in his voice box.

I heard him, Brian.
He moaned. He did.

Come inside.
People will hear.

I'm not going
back in there.
It's just air.

Look, I'll show you.

[ Shuddering ]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

They're viewing
Uncle Barton at 10:00.

I'm dead.

I'm bloody dead.

I'd better get you home.

Bloody door's locked.

[ Saul ]
He looks like bloody
Sid Vicious.

Come on, Brian.

Don't let me down.

[ Bell On Door Dings ]

Where the hell
have you been ?

Sorry.

Ah.

She been doing
her persuading, has she ?

It's nowt to do with her.

Well, are you happy
with Sandra modeling,
are you ?

Nowt to do with her,
neither.
Who is it to do with ?

Ray, that's who.

He walked all over you.

And you let him.

[ Bell On Door Dings ]

* I'm a wonderful thing
baby *

* Such a, such a

* Wonderful

* I'm a wonderful thing
baby *

* Such a, such a

Right, leave this to me.
Phil !

* But I don't have
much time *

* I've got a dozen
or more babes *

* To see before I fly *

** [ Fanfare ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the British
Hairdressing Championships...

here in Keighley.

[ Nervous Chuckle ]
Suit yourselves.

[ Tony ]
Stylists...
check your dryers.

[ Whirring ]

[ Tony ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
competitors of the--

[ Tony Continues ]
Where the hell
have you been ?

Look, I'm here,
aren't I ?

The Ladies' Timed Blow Dry.

[ Silence ]

Huh ?

[ Woman ]
Are we starting ?

Oh, yeah.
Three... two... one.

Let's style !

* Who's that lady

* Coming down the road

Christ, Sandra,
you've got split ends.

Take a look
at yourself, love.

* Who's that woman

* Walking through my door

So, how's the, uh,

little love-heart ?

It itches.

Ow, Dad !

Just smile, sweetheart.
The red horns
were a nice touch.

Very theatrical.
Talk of the town.
I was just practicing.

There are people
you practice on
and people you don't.

Dead people belong
in the latter category.

And there are people
you practice with
and people you don't.

Bloody Brian Allen also belongs
in the latter category. Right ?

Right. Sorry.

* Get out of my dreams
* Get in the backseat, baby

- What's the deal here ?
- What on earth ?
My comb's melting.

- I can't work with this !
- [ Chattering ]

Steward. Steward !
What is the meaning of this ?
Look at this comb !

* Get into my car

* Lady driver
let me take the wheel *

* Smooth operator
I'm really sorry, Sandra.

What have you done ?
I've got to go.

Excuse me.
Come here, you.

* Make it real
Like a roadrunner
coming after you *

* Just like a hill *

I'm really,
really sorry, Saul.

[ Tony ]
Competitors, stop styling.

All competitors
to stop styling.

The, uh,
clock has stopped.

There will be
a five-minute time break.

Replacement combs
are being issued now.

Well, fuck this
for a game of soldiers.

[ Saul ]
Sorry, Phil.
Had to be done.

What's going on, love ?

They didn't get
me scissor fingers.

You silly bloody fool.
Serve you right.
Oh, ta.

You'll get no sympathy
from me.
Stop it, will you ?

Just stop it.
What do you think
you were doing ?

To dead people,
for Christ's sake.

You want looking at
by the head doctor.

Leave it, will you ?
And you can stay clear
of that girl and all.

What's it to do with you
who I talk to, eh ?
You know what ?

You're bloody jealous,
you are.
Just stop it !

For once in my life
I needed some help from you.

It's the love
of your bloody life,
cutting hair.

But you couldn't do it
for me, could you ?
No way.

Are two and two
making four here ?

Well, it did
when I were at school.

Have you--
Chemotherapy,

radiotherapy,
holistic massage,

bollicky potions from China,
monkey's piss.

You name it.
Yes, I have.

Well, at least you won't
be able to mess around
with my hair...

when I'm dead,
will you, love ?

Why didn't you tell me ?

Maybe because you haven't
spoken to me in ten years.
Good enough reason ?

Sandra ?

She thinks I'm still
in the clear, doesn't she ?

Waiting for it
to grow back.

I can't tell her.

You told us.

Yeah, I told you.

I can tell you
'cause you don't care.

Not really.

She cares so much
her heart will burst...
silly cow.

[ Tony ] Competitors
to recommence styling.

You have 15 minutes remaining.

Go on, love.

I thought you of all people
would spot a piece
when you saw one.

[ Ringing ]

Stylists, time's up.
Combs down.

The judging will now begin.
Models, take your poses.

[ Murmuring ]

In third place,

with 79 points,

is London's Kilburn Kutters.

[ Applause ]

Second, from Birmingham,

with 80 points,
The Style Warriors.

Yes !
[ Applause ]

And in first place,
at the end of round one,

with 82 points,

it's South London's
Raymond Robertson's
Hair Studios.

Yes !

Let me get out of here.

So, one down, three to go.
Candy off a baby.

Round two:
The Men's Freestyle
starts at 10:00 tomorrow.

Volunteers from the audience
will be given a free hairdo.

They will draw lots
out of a hat...

and be assigned to one of
these great teams here.
I'm sorry. I did me best.

[ Ray ]
Lovely, lovely.
Well, you know, early days.

[ Louis ]
Commiserations to you.
Hello, Phil.

Two gin and tonics,
please, love.

Detroit, 1982.

Uh, not with you.
The old comb trick.

Detroit, 1982.
World Styling Finals.

We're running around
shouting, "Foul,"
while the Yanks,

whose combs mysteriously
do not wilt, do not melt,
just carry on styling.

No prizes for guessing
who took the medals
that year.

You can't have forgotten
that, Raymond.

1982.

Nope. Can't remember 1982.
We've moved on a bit
since then.

Thanks, love.
Most of us, anyway.

Yeah, the combs.
It's a fix, we know.
Thanks for calling.

Just 'cause something's fixed,
don't mean you can't break it.

Get your coats on.

[ Brian ] What's he doing ?
[ Phil ] He's the plant.

Ray spends three hours tonight
getting it perfect,

and then Julie Andrews there
pretends to cut it tomorrow,

twenty minutes flat.

But it's picked out
of a hat.

How's Louis supposed
to end up with him
if it's random ?

[ Phil ]
Their team's not in the hat,
though, is it ?

It's in your man's pocket.

Come the selection,
he dips his hand in the hat
and abracadabra,

Louis gets the carrottop.

Nice, Raymond.
Very nice.

Christina.

[ Shelley ]
Watch it.
Christina.

Yeah ?
Cheer up, we're winning.

Now what we need here
is just the slightest tint,

so subtle, you'd never know
it were colored.

Easy after your last assignment.
He's still alive.

Is this in the rules ?

It's in my rules.

Come on.
You said you wanted practice.

[ Brian ]
What's she doing ?

She don't look right happy
about it, love.

[ Brian ]
She's still doing it, though.

He's sweet on her,
all right.

Gonna get his heart broke,

if it isn't already.

Occupational hazard, love.

Yeah. I guess so.

Who's cuttin' your hair
these days ?
Nobody.

I do it meself.
Looks like it.

Nobody gets to cut my hair.

I used to.

Yeah, but I learned
my lesson, didn't I ?

You could have run off
with another bloke, at least.

There never was
another bloke for me.

Still isn't.

[ Gunshot ]

You get out,
you thievin' buggers !

Steal my bloody sheep,
will you, you bastards.

* Time was drifting
Time, Brian. That's it.
You've blown it.

You haven't
even touched his fringe.
You've got 20 minutes total.

That's five minutes each side,
five at the back,

three at the front,
two for your finishing touches.

You've gotta dance,
lad, dance.

Forward, back, forward, back.
Thirty times a minute, by heck.

I never thought a son of mine
had have flat bloody feet.
Must get them from your mother.

On your toes, boy.
Balance, shift, feel it.

* Couldn't see the light
I couldn't see the light **

Sharon, love,
hop out a second.

Swap over, Shelley.
See...

you're our model
for Hair By Night,
you're not a dummy.

You can help her.

Brush.

Spray.
See, it saves seconds,

maybe a whole minute
over a Hair By Night job.

You can do a lot of business
with a minute. Comb.

* A kiss on the lips
could be quite continental *

* But diamonds are
a girl's best-- **

What the hell
happened to you ?

The Total Look--
Marilyn... Monroe.

Well, I didn't think
you were the milkman.

Oh, you don't like it.
He doesn't like it.

Do you know how many
Marilyn Monroes are gonna
pop up in Total Look ?

- It's the oldest gag
in the book.
- [ Shelley ] Now, now.

It's not bad, Sand.
It's nice coloring, but--

Right.
Different approach.

You could help her.
You two did best Total Looks
in bloody world.

Let's get this clear, Shelley.
I'm not cutting,
especially not her.

All right, all right.
I'll do Total Look.
I was never good at it though.

I still don't see how we're
gonna get Ray's carrottop
out the picture.

You keep your head
on the job, you.

I'm working on it.

Oh, sorry, mate.

How's it going, Tony ?

Marvelous.

Don't worry.
It'll soon fill up.

Enjoy yourself.

Model number nine
to "Hair Montage."

Model number--
Can I see your number, lad ?

Model number 11,
the "Kilburn Kutters."

Model number 26,
"The Cut Above."

Model number 33 to...
I don't bloody believe it.

"Hair Raisers."

Model number 31
to "The Cutting Room."

And number--
Can I see the card ?
Number 13 to...

"The Flair Hair Salon."

Model number 17
to "The Clip Joint."

And model number--
Let's see your number, sir.

Come on, what's your number ?
Number seven, thank you.

Where are you going to ?
Come on, don't be shy.

Thank you.
Model number seven
to "The Style Warriors."

Thank you. And model number--
Can you put it the right way up,
sir ? Thanks very much.

Model number 19
to "Raymond's Hair Studio."

Thank you very much.

Model number 17
to, um, "The Clip Joint."

Model number 29
to "The Main Line."
Thank you.

Okay, the Men's
Freestyle Competition...

is about to commence,
ladies and gents.

Ooh, the tension's
killing me.

Something should.
[ Laughter ]

You have 20 minutes
starting...

now, let's cut !

* She'll never be rich
She'll never be famous
like you *

Anything for the weekend.

[ Laughs ]

* Move over, Madonna
Give it up for Betty Lou **

Got bad news
for your beard, mate.

[ Bleating ]

Hey, Noah.

Oh. Thought
you'd be in town.

Not allowed.
Dad's banned me after I--

You know.

I'm really sorry
about your great-uncle's hair.
I really am.

Well, I just hope
he sees the funny side
wherever he is.

Miserable bugger.

Hard work,
sheep shearing.

Don't know why we bother.
Only gonna get nabbed
like all the others.

Can't people tell
which ones are yours ?

One sheep's pretty much
like another sheep,
isn't it ?

Noah, I might be able
to help you, if you let me.

[ Bell Dinging ]

[ Tony ]
The 20 minutes are up.

And the scissors are down,
ladies and gentlemen.

The scissors are down.

Can I just say,
ladies and gents,

don't our people
look fabulous ?

[ Christina ]
No, I did try to call you.

It's just really hard
to find reception up here.

Deacon-- Yeah.

Yeah, let's--
let's just do that.

Bye.

I heard you did really well
in the freestyle.

So where were you ?

Not allowed
to leave the farm
unless I'm modeling.

But I've been busy.

I've cracked the color.
I really have.

Yeah ?
Yeah.

[ Sheep Bleating ]

[ Brian ]
You really are
getting good at coloring.

Pink still needs some work.
It keeps running.

Did a good job
on that carrottop
last night too.

It was Dad's idea.

Brian, it's--
it's just hair.

Worth cheating to win,
though, eh ?

I'll see you around maybe.

Brian.

Brian !

Now after the Men's Freestyle,
Raymond Robertson Hair Studios
are in first place,

the Kilburn Kutters
in second--

Jasmine, love,
what I was th--

- What ?
- Wha--

Oh.

It was Vincent's idea.

[ Shelley ]
Sharon, love, you've got to
smile for Hair By Night.

No, Shaz, you've got to
smile for the whole haircut.

The judges like it,
makes it look fun.
Ladies and gentlemen.

** [ Vocalizing In Japanese ]

The Total Look.

Yeah ? Nice.

What's the "flucking" problem ?

Got summat to say, have you ?

- Not me.
- C'mon, out with it.

Elegance, ingenuity,
imagination.

That's what judges
are looking for.
So, I'm not elegant,

I'm not "ingenuitous,"
is that what you're saying ?

Come on, love,
this is panto.

Well, you're the expert
around here, seem to remember.

So, why don't you help me ?

You know bloody well
why not.

[ Exasperated Sigh ]

Oh, come on, Phil,
do you have to ?

Listen, you're in fourth,
wi' two rounds to go.

And there's just
the slimmest chance
you can take this competition,

but you're not going to
with her in an outfit like that.

She hasn't a chance
in Total Look.

Not without you
she hasn't, no.

Back in a tick, Shaz.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Breathing Heavily, Groans ]

You okay, love ?

[ Gagging, Sniffling ]

Sorry, Sandra.

I'm sorry, love.

Oh, you liar.

You fucking liar.
Sand--

Out.
Everybody out.

Come on ! Don't you have
homes to go to ?
Scram ! Shoo !

Bugger off !
Hang on, Sandra.

Oh, knew, did ya ?

Of course you bloody did.
And you and all, Phil ?

Traitors all. Everyone knew,
except the dizzy cow here.

Don't tell her, she's only
her fucking girlfriend,
after all.

- What would she know ?
- [ Phil ] Sandra--

Don't you dare !

You come round, after ten years
of blanking me in the street,
telling me I've got no elegance.

Well, you're bloody right,
I've got no elegance.

But I've got a big boot,
and I'm gonna kick you out.
Get out !

Out ! And you,
get out of my shop !

What about me highlights ?
Bugger your highlights !
Get out !

Your highlights go green
if you leave them in
too long, love.

How long's too long ?
'bout now.

Well, you can find yourself
a new model for tomorrow.

Bloody hell.
I'll sue, I will.

Oh, come on, Sandra.

Love.
You said you were clear.

You said--
You bloody said.

Emergency prescription, please.
Painkillers from Dr. Hamilton.

My friend, Bob.

Did you bring
that nice shampoo ?

It's a bloody silly time
for a haircut.
Daisy ?

What are you doing up ?

Oh, I'm in with the dribblers
and the dying, noisy bunch.

Night's the only quiet time.

You've not got your scissors
on you, have you ?

Get terrible knots
when I'm not seen too regular.

Not that you care.

I'll come tomorrow, Daisy,
and bring my bag of tricks, eh ?

"I'll come tomorrow."
That's what they all say...

but they never do.

And I don't have
many tomorrows, do I ?

In case you've forgotten,
neither do I,
you selfish, old bat.

That's the spirit.

Tomorrow, then.

[ Man ]
Come on, Tony !
Ladies and gents,

welcome back to
Keighley's British Hairdressing
Championships.

All right then,
lovely lasses,

on to the arena,
please, thank you.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Round Three is entitled,
"Hair By Night."

In "Hair By Night,"
the judges are looking for...

"an evening wear style
which combines elegant
traditionalism...

with an imaginative, modern
approach to elaborate, formal
styling," it says here.

Well, it's your Friday night
fancy hairdo, isn't it ?

Can't we just ask someone,
Dad ?

Anyone, we can't just
throw it away now.

Look, even if we had a model,
I've never been one
for evening styles,

that were your mum's bag...
and Ray's.

We could have had 'em.

[ Tony ] Hurry up
and take your seats, ladies.

[ Tony ]
Competitors of the National
Hairdressing Championships,

you have 45 minutes.

Let cutting commence !

What's it to be today, then ?
Oh, summat special,
I think, Shell.

Summat really fancy.

Right you are, then.

* I met a devil woman

* She took my heart away

* She said I've had it
coming to me *

I tell ya, he just walked out.
Not a word.

Poached eggs untouched.
Jasmine, baby,
he's gonna be back, okay ?

So... relax.
He better bloody had be,
darling,

I'm not having you do
my Total Look.

Well, smile, for God's sake.

What's the matter with you,
anyway ?
You're cheating.

I'm winning.

* Here's something that
you're never gonna forget *

* Ba-ba-ba-baby
you just ain't seen
no-no-nothing yet *

* Nothing yet
you ain't been around *

* That's what they told me

* And now I'm feeling better

* 'Cause I found out
for sure **

It's one of them
18th-century baroque jobs.

Very popular when that Amadeus
was on at pictures.

[ Bell Rings ]
Stylists...
your time is up.

* When I wake up
in the morning, love *

* And the sunlight
hurts my eyes *

* And something without
warning, love *

* Bears heavy on my mind

* Then I look at you
Smile, love, please.
Just smile.

* And the world's
all right with me *

* Just one look at you

* And I know it's gonna be

* A lovely day *

A beauty is that, Shelley.

A beauty.

[ Fanfare ]
[ Tony ] Ladies and gentlemen,
the results of round three.

With 80 points,
West London's
the Kilburn Kutters.

[ Audience Applauds ]

With 81 points,
Raymond Robertson's
Hair Studio.

And winning this round
with 91 points,

Our very own,
Yorkshire's pudding,

pride of our hearts,
Keighley's Cut Above !

Fan-bloody-tastic !

[ Tony ]
Yes ! Oh, yes !

Eh !

You see ?
You're only three points
behind in the totals.

You can win it, Shell.
All you need is a model
for the Total Look.

That wasn't the point, Phil.

That were never the point.

I'm not with you.

You, me, Brian, Sandra...
family.

No, you're right.

We were never going to work.

[ Tony ]
The final round begins at 6:00,
ladies and gents, 6:00.

Mum ?

Your mum was 18
and she'd given up modeling...

when you came along,
and I was styling Sandra.

Dippiest cow
I'd ever come across.

Hair like satin, though.

Beautiful.

And me and Sandra,
we'd worked out
the most amazing Total Look.

We spent six months
planning it.

Six months
on a fucking hairdo.

Well, she left...
with your mum.

The night before
the competition.

Fun and games, eh ?

Doesn't sound like it's been
exactly fun and games
for either of 'em.

No.

Got that one wrong,
didn't I ?

I'll put some toast on, eh ?

Ta, lad.
Toast would be grand.

[ Woman ] Excuse me.
[ Woman #2 ]
Watch where you're going.

Nothing.
Well, where is she ?
We should be prepping her now.

It's close enough as it is
without her going AWOL.
I want that trophy, Louis.

[ Knocking ]
Christina ?

Christina ?

What have you done ?

Louis,

get me another model.

Get out of my way !

I'm a bit of a mess.

It's the most beautiful cut
I've ever seen in my life.

Don't make fun of me,
please, okay ?

I'm not. I'm not.

It's beautiful.

No, she's gone out
for a walk.

She's probably
up top of hill.

Your mum.

I'm in the bath.
I'll let you know
when I'm out.

- Mind if I join ya ?
- No lock on the door.

All seems pretty stupid
from this distance.

Sandra, she needs you.

Been through everything
with her, you know ?

Everything.

Didn't tell a soul,
kept it all inside.

Our secret.
The hairless bloody hairdresser.

But when it comes
down to it,

she couldn't tell me,
could she ?

It's not me
she needs, Phil.

It's you.

Maybe it's neither,
it's us.

Not much of an us,
you and me.

Seen worse.
Really ?

- Maybe not.
- [ Laughs ]
Aye.

Still, has to be
worth a shot.

- Please.
- Well, I never thought...

I'd hear "please"
come out of your gob.

You must be desperate.

Is it still there,
the tattoo ?

Oh, I guess faded a bit, eh ?

I haven't looked in ages.

I'm not proud
of what I did, Phil.

I didn't want to
run off with her.

I couldn't help it.
I just fell in love with her.

Me too, kid.

Me too.

** [ Fanfare ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Man ]
All right, Tony ?
Eh-up, sexy.

Welcome back to the final round
of the British Hairdressing
Championships.

The Total Look, ladies
and gents, is where the stylists
recreate, not just the hair,

but the entire costume
of an era, person...

or concept even.

The costumes
and hair preparations
have been worked on for weeks.

The hair, however,

needs to be created
in just 45 minutes.

So, for the final time
in this year's competition,

models to the mirrors, please.

And here they are,
the top six teams...

who've made it
to the grand finale,

where they'll challenge
to become British Champion.

[ Tony ]
Hey, I'll say this,

what's Las Vegas got
that Keighley hasn't ?

Eh ? Nowt.

Razzle-dazzle, entertainment,
thrills and spills ?

By God, we've got it all.

Viva Las Keighley !

Yeah !

Ray, found one.
It's all bloody green !

She'll have to do.
Come on, love.

So what do you think
the chances are, eh, Louis ?

Well, we're in the clear,
The Cut Above's a no-show.

Where the bugger are they ?

What about the bloody
Kilburn Kutters ?

Well, something's up,
Robert's not doing Total Look.
He always does it.

- [ Ray ]
Ooh.
- Mmm. Good luck.

Hey, Mum !

Mum !

What is it, love ?

It's Dad.
He's cutting !

[ Tony ]
Hairdresser of the Year
'80, '81, '82.

Twice British Champion,
1981, '82.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keighley's Phil Allen.

Just like old times, this.

The moment of truth.
You have 45 minutes,
starting now.

Calm down. I've done this
a thousand times, all right ?

Robert always does
the wedding rig on me.

Well, you put an end to that,
didn't you, babe ?

Go on, love.
It's been waiting ten years,
after all.

* Baby, don't you know
I'm just human *

* And I've got thoughts
like any other man *

* And sometimes I feel myself
alone regretting *

* Some foolish thing
Some foolish thing
I've done *

* But I'm just a soul
whose intentions are good *

* Oh Lord, please don't let
me be misunderstood *

* Oh Lord

* Don't you let me
be misunderstood *

* Don't let me be

* Don't let me be
misunderstood *

[ Bell Rings ]

[ Tony ]
Ladies and gentlemen...

Suzie as "Still Life."

[ Tony ]
A total of 73 points,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now we have
The Style Warriors
from Birmingham.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ebony as "Winter."

My dad,
did you see him ?
Shh. They're judging.

[ Tony ]
The Style Warriors
with Ebony as "Winter."

I wish we had that kind
of winter in Keighley, eh ?

Eighty-two points.

Okay, it's now the turn
of the Kilburn Kutters...

from West London.

[ Vincent ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jasmine as "Marriage."

[ Man ]
Is that how it's
supposed to be ?

[ Screaming ]

Er, 65 points.
Big round of applause, please,
ladies and gents.

And now,
it's Raymond Robertson's
Hair Studio.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it now gives me
the profoundest pleasure...

to introduce you...

to the very lovely "Nefertita."

[ Tony ]
Ninety points !

Well, that keeps him
in the lead overall.

Ninety points
for Raymond Robertson.

It's going to close,
ladies and gents.
It's gonna be very close.

Thank you, Raymond.

And last but not least,

Keighley's own
The Cut Above.
[ Audience Cheers ]

Sandra as--

[ Man ]
Come on, Keighley !
Well...

as Sandra.

Give it all you got !

[ Woman ]
Come on, Keighley,
you can do it.

[ Man ]
Come on, Keighley !

Ninety-friggin'-four !

Yeah ! Yes !

[ Tony ]
The Cut Above, 94 points !

Which makes them...

overall British
Hairdressing Champions...

Hair 2000 !

[ Tony ]
Yes !

We've bloody gone
and done it ! Yes !

Hey, who's laughing
at Keighley now, eh ?

No one ! No !

Champions !
Come on, give it plenty !

Champions !
Keighley the champions !

[ Together ]
Yeah !

I'm sorry.

Back to London if you--
if you want a lift.

No.

Well, look after yourself,
won't you ?

You too, Dad.

Look at you.

How are you ?

Never better, love.
Never better.

You could've told me,
Shell.

Me, of all people.

You of all people
I couldn't.

Ah, love.

Ah, love.

Phil.

Beautiful, love.

Beautiful.

[ Laughs ]
Thank you very much.

They went mad in there.

[ Both Laugh ]

Home ?

Yeah... home.

[ Sandra ]
Shell, lend us
one of your wigs ?

[ Phil ]
What do you mean ?
That's a prize-winning haircut.

* This time the girl
is gonna stay *

* This time the girl
is gonna sta-ay *

* For more than just a day

* Well, I just can't help
believing *

* When she slips her hand
in my hand *

* And it feels so small
and helpless *

* And my fingers fold
around it like a glove *

* I just can't help believing

* When she's whispering
her magic *

* And her tears are shining
honey sweet with love *

* This time the girl
is gonna stay *

* This time the girl
is gonna stay *

* This time the girl
is gonna sta-ay *

* For more than just a day

* For more than just a day

* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

Sing the song, baby.
* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

One more time.
* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

Yeah, one more.
* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

* For more than just a day

* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

* When she slips her hand
in my hand *

* And it feels so small
and helpless *

* And my fingers fold
around it like a glove *

* I just can't help believing

* When she smiles
and whispers her magic *

* And her tears are shining
honey sweet with love *

* This time the girl
is gonna stay *

* This time the girl
is gonna stay *

* This time the girl
is gonna sta-ay *

* For more than just a day

* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

Take it, babe.
* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

Yo.
* Oh, I just
can't help believing *

* Oh, I just
can't help believing **

[ Applause ]