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encoded by
eMRaN92@TUT
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DOOR OPENS
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Ahem.
4
00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:38,940
They're ready for you.
5
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,220
Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.
6
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:44,500
Bournemouth.
7
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But you don't know the others.
8
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No, but I'm familiar with you.
9
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,860
Why do you want to be an MP?
10
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,300
Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,
11
00:00:53,340 --> 00:00:56,620
and rather than sit back and moan
I'd prefer to do something about it.
12
00:00:57,700 --> 00:00:58,940
Go again from the top.
13
00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:02,620
I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idol
14
00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:04,020
has become a Scientologist.
15
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:05,580
Speed up the autocue, please.
16
00:01:05,620 --> 00:01:07,740
Pop stars do believe in weird things.
17
00:01:07,780 --> 00:01:11,140
'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...'
18
00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:12,380
They said show you this.
19
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:13,860
This happened just now?
20
00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:14,500
Mm-hmm.
21
00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:16,020
Gladwell?
22
00:01:16,060 --> 00:01:18,740
"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell
resigns," - capitals -
23
00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:20,660
"over Twitter porn pics scandal."
24
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:22,140
Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
25
00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:24,460
"Originally claimed
his account had been hacked,
26
00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:27,540
"resignation statement admits
inappropriate correspondence
27
00:01:27,580 --> 00:01:28,660
"with a 15-year-old girl."
28
00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:31,700
So tweeting dick photos
is correspondence now, is it?
29
00:01:31,740 --> 00:01:33,740
"Departure triggers a by-election
30
00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:36,020
"in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."
31
00:01:36,060 --> 00:01:37,500
Well, you get to use
the Gladwell stuff.
32
00:01:37,540 --> 00:01:38,580
Mm-hmm.
33
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,820
Bump it all up to
the top of the monologue.
34
00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,500
Anyone seen Jamie?
35
00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:44,500
PHONE DIALLING
36
00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:49,380
Rach?
37
00:01:49,420 --> 00:01:51,660
'You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.
38
00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:53,380
'You need to sort yourself out.'
39
00:01:53,420 --> 00:01:54,860
I am.
40
00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:57,380
'Focus on Waldo,
that's going well for you.'
41
00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:58,740
But it is not...
42
00:01:58,780 --> 00:02:00,500
'He's a hit, Jamie.'
43
00:02:00,660 --> 00:02:03,020
"He." Not me, "he".
44
00:02:03,060 --> 00:02:04,660
'Just do your show.'
45
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,500
I will. I mean, hon,
if you'd just...
46
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:07,740
PHONE CUTS OFF
47
00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:09,300
(KNOCKING) Jamie?
48
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:12,060
Jamie, hurry up.
49
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,580
What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?
50
00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:17,420
Safe Tory seat.
51
00:02:17,460 --> 00:02:20,740
So, realistically, I know there's
not much of a chance, but...
52
00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:23,660
So, it's a stepping stone for you?
53
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,140
Yes.
54
00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:29,860
Obviously, I wouldn't say
that outside of this room,
55
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,940
but, well,
you want me to be honest.
56
00:02:31,980 --> 00:02:33,500
There's no point in pretending.
57
00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:38,060
Is there anything in your past that
might conceivably cause problems?
58
00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:39,340
No.
59
00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:42,340
Except...
60
00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:45,940
I did commit a series
of murders in Huddersfield
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00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:47,940
between 1999 and 2003.
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00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:49,540
But apart from that...
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00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:55,780
Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
64
00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:57,740
If you could leave via that door.
65
00:02:57,780 --> 00:02:59,500
Oh, that door?
66
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:01,540
We like to keep
the candidates separate.
67
00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:04,100
Right, yes.
68
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:18,300
(MUTTERS) Idiot. Idiot!
69
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:23,380
Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the community
70
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,500
Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,
71
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:30,180
saying he could no longer
maintain his position.
72
00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:32,460
That position, presumably,
being hunched over
73
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,660
wanking madly at school kids.
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00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:36,260
'A pal of Gladwell said...'
75
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,100
You ready?
76
00:03:37,140 --> 00:03:38,460
Uh-huh.
77
00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:40,540
How old the girl wasn't.
78
00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:42,140
That's the sort of feeble excuse
79
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,860
'only a naive school kid
would swallow -
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00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,780
'which, presumably, was the idea.
81
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:50,940
'Anyway, the bad news is
he's resigned in disgrace.'
82
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:54,020
The good news is he's now
free to pursue a full-time career
83
00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:56,660
in the disgraced paedophile
industry.
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00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,300
LAUGHTER
85
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:00,860
Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...
86
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,260
Um, small change to the intro.
87
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:04,220
What?
88
00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:05,940
Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko
gag for the monologue, so...
89
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:07,420
That was my bit.
90
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:08,660
There is the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
91
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,020
Bit politics.
92
00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:10,860
You can do politics.
93
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:12,420
I do piss-taking.
94
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:13,500
Go be Waldo.
95
00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:14,740
Yes, commander.
96
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:16,660
'R Kelly believed he could fly,
97
00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:20,020
'and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified...'
98
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:22,100
(DEEP VOICE) Big ball
blue bear bollocks.
99
00:04:22,140 --> 00:04:23,860
And now it's time
for our final visit
100
00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:26,300
to the world of educational
children's programming
101
00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:27,860
courtesy of everyone's favourite,
102
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:31,300
and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character,
103
00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,660
Waldo.
104
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:38,140
Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
105
00:04:38,180 --> 00:04:40,940
Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?
106
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:44,300
Well, Conor,
in my big pink cave this week
107
00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:47,300
I had former Minister
for Culture Liam Monroe.
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00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:49,220
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?
109
00:04:49,260 --> 00:04:51,500
I was hoping he'd nosh me off!
110
00:04:51,540 --> 00:04:53,300
Want to see how it panned out?
111
00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:54,940
I think we should.
112
00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:56,300
Run VT!
113
00:04:57,700 --> 00:05:00,060
APPLAUSE
114
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:07,820
LAUGHTER
115
00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:10,580
Hey, everybody!
116
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:12,580
It's Waldo time!
117
00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:14,060
Yeah!
118
00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,580
Cool! Cool!
119
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:18,580
Waldo-rrific!
120
00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:19,940
Ha-ha-ha!
121
00:05:19,980 --> 00:05:23,460
Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
122
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,020
Hello, Mr Monroe.
123
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:26,420
Hello, Waldo.
124
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:29,500
Mr Monroe is a politician.
125
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:36,140
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
126
00:05:36,180 --> 00:05:38,020
Well, a politician is someone
127
00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:40,740
who tries to make the
world a fairer place.
128
00:05:40,780 --> 00:05:42,300
Like Batman.
129
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:44,220
Not exactly like Batman.
130
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,100
Do you beat people up?
131
00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:47,500
No, I don't beat people up.
132
00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:49,060
Oh, you're a pussy then?
133
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,860
Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...
134
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,580
You don't know what pussy is?
135
00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:56,940
LAUGHTER
136
00:05:58,180 --> 00:06:00,660
OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.
137
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:03,300
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
138
00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:04,580
Friends again?
139
00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,300
(KISSES)
140
00:06:14,380 --> 00:06:16,660
Oh, hello, mate, great show.
141
00:06:16,700 --> 00:06:17,780
Well done, really good.
142
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:19,060
So, we'll bring him over.
143
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:20,860
You go and get him,
I'll explain about...
144
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:22,660
'Now, he comes across...'
145
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,020
Jamie!
146
00:06:24,060 --> 00:06:26,060
(WALDO'S VOICE)
What you want, Miss Tamsin?
147
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,220
Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.
148
00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:28,940
Jack freaks me out.
149
00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:30,300
Yeah, ditto,
150
00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,500
but he owns the company
and the man he's with is important
151
00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:33,300
and wants to talk to you.
152
00:06:33,340 --> 00:06:34,580
(SIGHS)
153
00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:36,140
He's from the channel.
154
00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:37,660
Go on.
155
00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:38,420
'Honestly, all I'm saying...'
156
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:39,860
'Is he shy?'
157
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,100
'No, all I'm saying is
he's a terrific guy...'
158
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,420
Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
159
00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:44,420
How do you do?
160
00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:45,660
Jim, Jack, James.
161
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:46,940
Jamie.
162
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:49,580
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
163
00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:52,420
Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.
164
00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:54,860
Toys out the pram.
165
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,220
And that's...?
166
00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:57,580
Good press.
167
00:06:57,620 --> 00:07:00,020
It's so tough to get
a breakthrough these days,
168
00:07:00,060 --> 00:07:02,500
but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.
169
00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:04,940
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.
170
00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:08,380
You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's... it's...
171
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:09,580
'Jack?'
172
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:10,980
Excuse me.
173
00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:15,740
Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.
174
00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:20,220
Look, I know the show's
coming back again next year,
175
00:07:20,260 --> 00:07:22,820
but we want to see more of Waldo.
176
00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:26,220
They want to do a pilot.
177
00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:27,140
A Waldo pilot?
178
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:29,300
Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?
179
00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:31,500
Yeah. Sounds good.
180
00:07:31,540 --> 00:07:34,700
Sounds stormin' Norman,
fucking stormin'.
181
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,180
Going to give it to 'em.
182
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:43,820
PHONE BEEPS
183
00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:58,780
But look, we can't do sketches
without Waldo.
184
00:07:58,820 --> 00:08:00,780
It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,
185
00:08:00,820 --> 00:08:02,380
it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
186
00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:05,140
Realistically, there isn't
the budget for other animations.
187
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,300
I mean live action,
other characters I can do.
188
00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:09,220
What about the Brown Knight?
189
00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:10,780
What, the crap crusader?
190
00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:12,740
We can look into the Brown Knight.
191
00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:15,340
But right now
let's find more Waldo ideas.
192
00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:20,300
The problem is, any guests
we book will be in on it.
193
00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:22,660
They know that Waldo's a joke,
the surprise is gone.
194
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,580
So, we think round that.
195
00:08:24,620 --> 00:08:27,260
(WALD) Hey, boys and girls!
It's Waldo time!
196
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,420
Yeah! Ha-ha!
197
00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:32,300
He's awesome, isn't he?
198
00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:36,060
I mean, look - sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.
199
00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:41,300
All right, Sara? How's the
think tanking going, good shit?
200
00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:43,300
Um, yeah, yeah,
we're making headway.
201
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:44,780
Good.
202
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:47,140
I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,
203
00:08:47,180 --> 00:08:49,860
running in
the Stentonford by-election.
204
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,460
We should get Waldo down there.
205
00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:54,740
Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.
206
00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:57,940
We get a van with a screen with
the image of Waldo on the side.
207
00:08:57,980 --> 00:08:59,140
Like it.
208
00:08:59,180 --> 00:09:01,380
And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet,
209
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:03,220
we just turn up
and just get under his skin.
210
00:09:03,260 --> 00:09:04,620
I love that, I love it.
211
00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:05,340
We've done Monroe.
212
00:09:05,380 --> 00:09:06,700
But it was a great bit.
213
00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:09,140
I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...
214
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:12,500
Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?
215
00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:13,580
Get people to vote for him?
216
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:14,780
He's not real.
217
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:17,300
But people have stood as
fictional characters before.
218
00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:19,580
Do you think Screaming
Lord Sutch was his real name?
219
00:09:19,620 --> 00:09:21,860
We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.
220
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,500
No-one's actually going to vote
for him, that's not the point.
221
00:09:24,540 --> 00:09:27,580
The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.
222
00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:30,260
Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.
223
00:10:02,780 --> 00:10:05,140
'He's with a mum and baby group.'
224
00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:08,820
OK. Going live
in five... four... three two...
225
00:10:08,860 --> 00:10:11,500
'Thank you so much
for joining me this morning.'
226
00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:13,140
It's been incredibly informative
227
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:16,340
and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,
228
00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:18,300
who were fantastic.
229
00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:20,820
Thank you, Naomi.
230
00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:22,700
Thank you for your time.
231
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:27,140
Hey!
232
00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:29,700
Hey, it's me Waldo.
233
00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:32,140
Oh. I like your trainers, man!
234
00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:34,660
I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
235
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:35,740
I've got stumps.
236
00:10:35,780 --> 00:10:37,180
(THEY LAUGH)
237
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:37,980
He's out.
238
00:10:38,020 --> 00:10:40,060
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.
239
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,180
Hey! Did you get off with
any of the mums?
240
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:44,300
Where'd you look while
they were breastfeeding?
241
00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:46,780
They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!
242
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,540
He said it!
243
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:50,980
Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!
244
00:10:51,020 --> 00:10:51,580
I'm sorry about this, Liam.
245
00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:52,900
Hey, I'm being snubbed!
246
00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:55,620
Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.
247
00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:57,860
It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!
248
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,900
Let's find out what we can about
the idiot inside that thing.
249
00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:00,940
Sure.
250
00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:03,900
Mr Monroe. Oi!
251
00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:07,100
PHONE RINGING
252
00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:09,300
'Stentonford Labour Party.'
253
00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,220
Right, you've got
a choice of styles,
254
00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:16,540
so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.
255
00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:18,220
This is like bloody Moonpig.
256
00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:21,380
Don't knock the free mail out.
257
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:26,260
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some
Fisher-Price leaflet app.
258
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:27,780
He doesn't have to.
259
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,460
Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,
260
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:39,300
and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.
261
00:11:39,340 --> 00:11:42,220
The license fee is something
that's very close to my heart...
262
00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:44,580
'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh!
Look at me Mr Monroe, please!'
263
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,180
Hey, over here! Hey, over here...
264
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:49,180
Look over here, Mr Monroe...
265
00:11:49,220 --> 00:11:50,980
The Conservative Party
have been, er...
266
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:54,700
Have been arguing for a reduction
of the license fee for...
267
00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:55,460
Good morning, everybody.
268
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:56,500
Pardon?
269
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:57,940
Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
270
00:11:57,980 --> 00:11:59,180
I beg your pardon.
271
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:01,260
I'm sorry. It's rather loud.
272
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:02,900
We have argued for a further
reduction in the license fee...
273
00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:04,700
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
274
00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:06,500
Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.
275
00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:07,940
Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.
276
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:11,940
Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.
277
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:14,180
Why are you ignoring Waldo?
278
00:12:14,220 --> 00:12:17,620
'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo
done to you?'
279
00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:21,140
We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.
280
00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:24,460
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
281
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:28,060
'I'm not ignoring you.'
282
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:30,260
Yeah, you were, you upset me.
283
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,380
You made Waldo sad.
284
00:12:32,420 --> 00:12:35,900
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah.
285
00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:41,260
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...
286
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:43,460
WA-A-A-A-A-A-A...
287
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,780
(CROWD LAUGHS)
288
00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:48,740
Let him get a word in.
289
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:53,380
I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.
290
00:12:53,420 --> 00:12:56,220
You are an image voiced
by a comedian -
291
00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:58,100
an alleged comedian,
more accurately.
292
00:12:58,140 --> 00:13:00,220
If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?
293
00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:02,180
And by "him" I mean me, knobber!
294
00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:04,540
(CROWD LAUGHS)
295
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:07,060
There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.
296
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,860
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!
297
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:13,260
Thy flowery language doth give
me a right throbbing bone-on!
298
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,020
Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh!
299
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:16,540
(CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS)
300
00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:18,420
Uh-er-ha-ha!
301
00:13:18,460 --> 00:13:20,540
Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh!
302
00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:24,100
Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh!
303
00:13:24,140 --> 00:13:25,500
Finished.
304
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:26,540
(CROWD LAUGHS)
305
00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:34,620
Drink?
306
00:13:34,660 --> 00:13:36,220
I've got e-mails.
307
00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:45,820
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?
308
00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:47,100
The Labour candidate.
309
00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:50,700
Did you read my background doc?
310
00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:51,860
Yes.
311
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:55,900
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
312
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:08,740
I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...
313
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:10,780
Are you my dad?
314
00:14:10,820 --> 00:14:13,660
Apparently not. See you tomorrow.
315
00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:18,740
(TELEVISION)'..Waldo the bear left
Monroe in stunned silence.
316
00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:21,260
'The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaign
317
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,260
'in typically loud and
crowd-pleasing style...'
318
00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:29,380
Someone's bold? Do I know you?
319
00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:31,740
Nice way to greet a voter...
320
00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:33,700
Sorry, I thought you were...
321
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,780
Actually, I'm more of a rival.
322
00:14:36,820 --> 00:14:40,260
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why
are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"
323
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,500
You're good at that!
324
00:14:41,540 --> 00:14:42,620
Because I am that.
325
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:43,740
What? You're that thing?
326
00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:47,180
Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.
327
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,460
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.
328
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:54,980
Yeah, well. It's dick jokes
at his expense basically.
329
00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,100
Another one?
330
00:14:56,140 --> 00:14:57,540
OK. One.
331
00:15:01,780 --> 00:15:04,940
The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...
332
00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:05,980
No...
333
00:15:06,020 --> 00:15:08,700
like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...
334
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:09,740
Shh!
335
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:12,420
But your party leader has to show
up because it's a... mid-thing...
336
00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:13,620
Midterm by-election.
337
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:14,660
Terminology tits.
338
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:15,860
You are 12!
339
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:17,820
So because leaderballs is there,
340
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:20,860
suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch show
341
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:22,220
so it's good exposure.
342
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:23,700
You're not going to win,
you know you're not going to win...
343
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:24,740
Come on, shh.
344
00:15:24,780 --> 00:15:26,780
You're not going to win though.
345
00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:27,820
Of course not.
346
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,020
So, why not be honest?
347
00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:31,060
Say, "You arseholes aren't
going to vote for me,
348
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:32,500
"so here's what I think anyway."?
349
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:33,460
It doesn't work like that.
350
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,940
Nothing does, that's why
everything's bollocksed.
351
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:39,180
You're angry, for someone
who's doing well.
352
00:15:39,220 --> 00:15:43,180
I'm the voice of a blue bear...
353
00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:45,820
if that's, "doing well,"
then we are doomed!
354
00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:51,020
I can't see!
355
00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:52,540
Hang on, there's a thing.
356
00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:59,380
Have you had a fox in here or do you
live like a 14-year-old?
357
00:16:04,020 --> 00:16:06,140
Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.
358
00:16:06,180 --> 00:16:07,420
Shit, really?
359
00:16:24,340 --> 00:16:25,340
(You're amazing.)
360
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:26,500
Sorry?
361
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,340
You're amazing?
362
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:29,940
Oh, thank you!
363
00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:50,140
(SIGHS)
364
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,380
What's up?
365
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:56,940
Nothing.
366
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:58,260
Are you sure?
367
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,700
It's just...
368
00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:11,420
I haven't been happy in a while...
369
00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:16,220
and this is good, you know?
370
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:17,260
Hm.
371
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:30,220
Can I... have your number?
372
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,700
Yes! (GIGGLES)
373
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:54,620
Where's our mark this morning?
374
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:56,260
We're out on the road.
375
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:58,380
Ooh... bien sur.
376
00:18:01,820 --> 00:18:09,540
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.
377
00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:11,620
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
378
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:15,300
PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING
379
00:18:23,860 --> 00:18:25,380
PHONE BEEPS
380
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:36,700
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
381
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:39,900
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
382
00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:44,220
'You're right. Strong Tory.'
383
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:45,500
'I warned you.'
384
00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:49,100
You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.
385
00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:50,980
CAR HORN BEEPING
386
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:52,500
I'm voting Waldo!
387
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,620
I met Waldo last night.
388
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,420
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
389
00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:01,540
He's fun.
390
00:19:01,580 --> 00:19:03,140
Fun?
391
00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:04,180
Mmm-hmm.
392
00:19:06,180 --> 00:19:08,740
Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?
393
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:10,300
Not really.
394
00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:11,940
Not really or no?
395
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:14,700
Er, not really.
396
00:19:15,860 --> 00:19:17,020
Look, he's OK.
397
00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:18,220
He's a comedian -
398
00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:20,660
he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.
399
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:25,660
His act is all f-this
and penis jokes.
400
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:26,700
But...
401
00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:28,580
Don't see him again.
402
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,260
OK. Job done till
the husting tomorrow.
403
00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:42,380
Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.
404
00:19:42,420 --> 00:19:44,380
They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.
405
00:19:44,420 --> 00:19:47,460
Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.
406
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,700
It's students, you'll walk it.
407
00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:50,580
I can't answer
serious questions...
408
00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:53,700
No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.
409
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:09,260
Erm, just have a look. I'm sure
you'll find lots in there...
410
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,740
PHONE RINGING
411
00:20:11,780 --> 00:20:17,020
Are there any particular issues that
you're concerned about at all?
412
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:18,860
TONE BEEPING
413
00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:33,740
Hey.
414
00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:34,780
Oh, hi.
415
00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:35,500
I thought we were going to...?
416
00:20:35,540 --> 00:20:36,980
Sorry - I've had a tough day...
417
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:38,380
Right. Not even one?
418
00:20:38,420 --> 00:20:39,860
Sorry.
419
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:41,420
Well, what about tomorrow?
420
00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:44,340
Look, I can't, when this
is happening, I can't see you.
421
00:20:44,540 --> 00:20:45,460
What do you mean?
422
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,700
I'm sorry.
423
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,240
Do they think that
looks like Question Time?
424
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,280
Yeah. It looks politicsy.
425
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,920
Check the host.
426
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,040
Jailbait Dimbleby.
427
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,400
When it comes to addiction
and addicts, we should sympathise,
428
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,560
but we shouldn't patronise.
429
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,960
You know, serious drug use is
a criminal offence, that is
430
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,560
committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...
431
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,760
AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY
432
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,040
Look, I'm sorry, these are the
facts.
433
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,440
Waldo, what do you think?
434
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,080
Mr Monroe, are you addicted?
435
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,840
No.
436
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,840
Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?
437
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,000
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
438
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,080
I think we have to ask ourselves...
439
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:01,520
I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?
440
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:05,440
And why do we waste our time with
animated trivialities like him?
441
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,200
AUDIENCE WHOOPING
442
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,400
I mean why?
443
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:09,440
Why? I mean why?
444
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,440
(ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why?
445
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,960
I mean why? I mean why?
446
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,440
This is just the kind of thing...
rather than see you laugh...
447
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,000
They laugh at you, Limbo.
448
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,480
You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage.
449
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,960
Who is scared to engage, who
hides behind a children's cartoon.
450
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,600
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
451
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:32,440
I'm... I'm... I'm
speaking about James Salter.
452
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:33,720
Hm?
453
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,480
Don't worry about it.
454
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,560
That's your name, isn't it?
455
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,080
James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.
456
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,000
He's 33 years old,
457
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,840
a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.
458
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,360
You were in a sketch troupe
459
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,760
that enjoyed minor success about
six years ago,
460
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,840
and the others moved on to
better things,
461
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,600
but your main achievement seems to
have been playing
462
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,280
the part of a corn on the cob
463
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,400
in a high-interest personal
loan commercial.
464
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:03,720
LAUGHTER
465
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,560
I notice you keep that
pretty quiet.
466
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,760
And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.
467
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,600
Which by the way is easier than it
looks. Anyone could do it.
468
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:18,080
See, this is... this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.
469
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,560
He mocks.
470
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,080
And when he can't
think of an authentic joke,
471
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,920
which is actually quite often,
he just swears.
472
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:30,040
I think that this puppet's
inclusion on this panel debases the
473
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:34,120
process of debate, and smothers any
meaningful discussion of the issues.
474
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:38,720
So I return to my original question,
is that really what this is for?
475
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,920
He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.
476
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,560
Prove me wrong. Hm?
477
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,680
Speak, Waldo.
478
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,880
Please. Come on. Speak up.
479
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,480
There you see, nothing.
480
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:57,560
Oh, go fuck yourself.
481
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,680
LAUGHTER
482
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,440
It's more swearing.
483
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:02,760
You're a joke.
484
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,000
You look less human than I do
485
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,160
and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise cock.
486
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:07,960
LAUGHTER
487
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:13,480
What are you? You're just an old
attitude with new hair.
488
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,360
Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously?
489
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,720
No-one takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.
490
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,040
The vast majority do vote.
491
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:20,920
It's bullshit.
492
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,200
Surely this is enough?
493
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:23,840
You think you deserve respect.
494
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:24,920
Just common courtesy.
495
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,360
Because you went to public school
496
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,560
and believed you were
entitled to everything.
497
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:29,280
Perhaps we could get back...
498
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:30,640
Ad hominem nonsense...
499
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:31,800
Gwendolyn Harris...
500
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,840
Something's got to change. No-one
trusts you lot cos they know
501
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,560
you don't give a shit about anything
outside your bubble.
502
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,280
What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher?
503
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,040
You knew him for 20 years,
did you not know what he was like?
504
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,280
No, of course not.
505
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:48,560
Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,
506
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,560
and in that way you're all the same.
507
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:55,320
Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?
508
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,840
Well, of course I think no...
509
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,880
Oh, shut up, you're worse!
510
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,640
Seriously, she's faker than him.
511
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,280
For once I agree with
Liam Monroe in that this...
512
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:05,720
Are you going to win?
513
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,920
Doesn't get us anywhere and
there's no point in us continuing...
514
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:10,400
Tell them why you're here.
515
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:11,920
If we can't have anything
resembling a deba...
516
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,000
Tell them why you're here.
517
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,280
She's here to build a showreel.
518
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,840
I'm not kidding, that's literally
it.
519
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,040
Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience,
520
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,320
to get on telly.
521
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:27,960
She actually gives less of a shit
about anyone round here than
522
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,320
he does, because he'll actually
have to represent you.
523
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,560
Am I wrong?
524
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:35,560
A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,
525
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:36,840
and I can do this.
526
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,160
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
527
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,920
Can I just make
a couple of points?
528
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,640
Oh, shut up, you pebble.
529
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,320
What is this for? That's what you
wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
530
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:50,320
And the truth is, none of us
know any more, thanks to you.
531
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,560
What are you for? What are you for?
532
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,320
Thank you and goodnight.
533
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:56,640
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
534
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,120
KNOCKING
535
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,080
Jamie.
536
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,040
Jamie?
537
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,120
Jack's here. He wants to see us.
538
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:57,480
You can't avoid it.
539
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,080
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
540
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:22,640
(TV) 'And yet accusations of vapidity
aside,
541
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,960
'it's clearly tapped a nerve.
542
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,720
'In just three days, Waldo has gone
viral.
543
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,640
'The video of his clash has already
been viewed over a million times
544
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,960
'on YouTube. There are Facebook
groups calling on Waldo
545
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,760
'to form a national party.'
546
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,480
'You're a joke.
547
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,560
'You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear with
548
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,760
'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you?
549
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,400
'You're just an old attitude
with new hair.
550
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:51,360
'Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously.
551
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,200
'No-one takes you (BLEEP)
seriously.'
552
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:55,600
MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
553
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,560
Oh, look, here
he is the man of the moment!
554
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,280
How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
555
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:07,320
Shitifying.
556
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:10,400
You are everywhere, my son.
557
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,560
Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?
558
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,760
You're in third place, mate.
559
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,360
You overtook that Lib Dem prick...
560
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:17,640
Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
561
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,000
This is an opportunity, Jamie.
562
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,040
He knows my name now.
563
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:22,840
We could really do something here.
564
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,200
You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.
565
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,040
And Waldo gives that a voice.
566
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,840
Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.
567
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:31,400
Tell him, Tams.
568
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,640
We've been asked on Consensus.
569
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:37,080
It's a ten-minute one-to-one
interview with Phillip Crane.
570
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:38,200
Pitbull Crane?
571
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:39,280
Big guns for big guns.
572
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,560
Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.
573
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:43,920
We know that you hate politics.
574
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,480
I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.
575
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,200
You don't need to be
interested in them.
576
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:49,520
You just need to be Waldo.
577
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,520
And when Crane asks something tricky
and I look stupid
578
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:54,440
because I don't know how to answer?
579
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,520
You'll know the answer.
580
00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:58,280
Because you have a producer.
581
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,920
Look, I can tell you what to say.
582
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,680
I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,
583
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:05,720
whatever else you need.
584
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,120
So you've got a safety
net for the concrete stuff
585
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,520
and the rest is Waldo
and you can do that in your sleep.
586
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:12,560
You'll piss all over Crane.
587
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:14,640
He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.
588
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,240
Yeah good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
589
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,320
All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.
590
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,800
Now come on. What d'you say? Eh?
591
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:27,600
Jamie! Jamie!
592
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:28,960
Why would I want to do this?
593
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,880
Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.
594
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:33,360
I don't know what you're on about.
595
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,280
Waldo has got the attention
of the young, and the young don't
596
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:39,320
give a shit about anything
except trainers and pirating films.
597
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,040
Do you have any other astounding
theories about young people?
598
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:45,680
Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
599
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,000
They'll vote for Waldo.
600
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,480
The video was a hit for a reason.
601
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:50,800
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
602
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,720
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate -
603
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:54,920
Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.
604
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:56,200
We can build on that.
605
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:57,280
Waldo's not real.
606
00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:01,080
Exactly! That's what you said that
really hit home. He's not real,
607
00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:02,640
but he's realer than all the others.
608
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,360
He doesn't stand for anything.
609
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,760
Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.
610
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,280
Look we... we don't need politicians,
611
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:12,120
we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?
612
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:15,680
So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.
613
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:19,440
Let the people vote thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.
614
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,320
That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.
615
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,320
So's YouTube and I don't know
if you've seen it but the most
616
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:29,360
popular video is a dog farting
the theme tune to Happy Days.
617
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:33,400
Well, today it's Waldo.
618
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,960
No. It's still the dog.
619
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,600
Listen, can you imagine all
the things we can change
620
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:40,640
if we fuck the politicians
out the equation?
621
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,120
I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.
622
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:51,200
Do you know who owns Waldo?
623
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:52,400
I do, I own the rights.
624
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:56,280
He's my character.
625
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:57,880
Yeah, written for my show.
626
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:03,640
You're too frightened to take to
the next level. Fine. I understand.
627
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:05,520
But also, fuck off!
628
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:06,600
And watch me fly.
629
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:08,920
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
630
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:15,120
(MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh?
631
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:18,600
Pretty close, I'd say.
632
00:31:40,050 --> 00:31:42,010
What's happenin'? Ahh!
633
00:31:42,050 --> 00:31:45,850
Waldorific, yeah! Yeah!
634
00:31:45,890 --> 00:31:47,090
Why is it going off left again?
635
00:31:47,130 --> 00:31:47,930
Because the...
636
00:31:47,970 --> 00:31:48,890
I know! I've got my...
637
00:31:48,930 --> 00:31:50,170
Put your thumb in the white thing.
638
00:31:50,210 --> 00:31:52,130
I got that. In there? OK.
639
00:31:52,170 --> 00:31:53,770
That's not how that works.
640
00:32:02,770 --> 00:32:07,090
First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -
641
00:32:07,130 --> 00:32:10,810
who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.
642
00:32:10,850 --> 00:32:14,090
Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.
643
00:32:14,130 --> 00:32:15,930
He doesn't even have a surname.
644
00:32:15,970 --> 00:32:20,370
He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just
a cult character in a comedy show.
645
00:32:20,410 --> 00:32:24,010
Today, an official
mascot for protest voters.
646
00:32:24,050 --> 00:32:25,330
Vote Waldo.
647
00:32:25,370 --> 00:32:28,530
Cartoons don't play by the rules
and Waldo's open disdain
648
00:32:28,570 --> 00:32:31,330
for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.
649
00:32:33,970 --> 00:32:36,650
Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't you
650
00:32:36,690 --> 00:32:39,930
ultimately neutralizing seriously
effective dissent?
651
00:32:41,130 --> 00:32:43,010
Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane,
please?
652
00:32:43,050 --> 00:32:46,450
By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.
653
00:32:46,490 --> 00:32:48,450
Dangerous? You think
the public can't be trusted?
654
00:32:48,490 --> 00:32:49,530
No.
655
00:32:49,570 --> 00:32:51,010
Isn't that basically you
calling them twats?
656
00:32:51,050 --> 00:32:52,010
No, I...
657
00:32:52,050 --> 00:32:53,090
Bell-ends then?
658
00:32:53,130 --> 00:32:54,650
Did you come for a discussion
or...
659
00:32:54,690 --> 00:32:57,890
You're snooty for a glorified
Punch And Judy man, Phil.
660
00:32:57,930 --> 00:33:00,770
You know you're gonna get your best
ratings in months cos I'm here.
661
00:33:00,810 --> 00:33:03,530
To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,
662
00:33:03,570 --> 00:33:06,370
you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich
live on air.
663
00:33:06,410 --> 00:33:08,010
Make a nice prawn cocktail.
664
00:33:08,050 --> 00:33:10,170
Could we make a serious
political point that is...
665
00:33:10,210 --> 00:33:12,090
I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.
666
00:33:12,130 --> 00:33:12,890
Would you like to have a look at it?
667
00:33:13,050 --> 00:33:13,930
Oh, God. Thank you.
668
00:33:13,970 --> 00:33:16,730
Great work tonight. Look at... Look
at this, look at this.
669
00:33:16,770 --> 00:33:19,890
It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS
670
00:33:19,930 --> 00:33:21,730
so that when you're at a polling
station,
671
00:33:21,770 --> 00:33:23,410
it unlocks loads of free shit, look.
672
00:33:23,490 --> 00:33:24,730
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
673
00:33:24,770 --> 00:33:27,290
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
674
00:33:27,330 --> 00:33:28,450
It's good, isn't it?
675
00:33:28,490 --> 00:33:29,890
Who's this guy we're meeting?
676
00:33:29,930 --> 00:33:33,970
I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.
677
00:33:37,210 --> 00:33:39,890
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
678
00:33:40,050 --> 00:33:40,530
Hey. Hey.
679
00:33:40,570 --> 00:33:41,810
And I'll leap right in.
680
00:33:41,850 --> 00:33:44,410
I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.
681
00:33:44,450 --> 00:33:45,730
From "the agency"?
682
00:33:45,770 --> 00:33:49,370
Yeah, listen. Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.
683
00:33:49,410 --> 00:33:50,890
Waldo The Bear.
684
00:33:50,930 --> 00:33:53,930
The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
685
00:33:53,970 --> 00:33:54,370
An assist?
686
00:33:54,410 --> 00:33:55,450
It helps.
687
00:33:55,490 --> 00:33:57,650
Right. You look at human
politicians,
688
00:33:57,690 --> 00:34:00,530
you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?
689
00:34:00,570 --> 00:34:01,730
Like the girls in porn.
690
00:34:01,770 --> 00:34:04,210
You know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?
691
00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:05,930
It's usually daddy issues, eh?
692
00:34:05,970 --> 00:34:08,210
Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.
693
00:34:08,250 --> 00:34:10,730
You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.
694
00:34:10,770 --> 00:34:12,170
I'm a person.
695
00:34:12,210 --> 00:34:14,090
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
696
00:34:14,130 --> 00:34:17,730
He's a team, and you're open
about that, which is fantastic.
697
00:34:17,770 --> 00:34:19,690
The honesty thing works.
698
00:34:19,730 --> 00:34:23,930
Waldo is a construct
people not just accept but embrace.
699
00:34:23,970 --> 00:34:25,890
At the moment he's anti-politics,
700
00:34:25,930 --> 00:34:28,930
which is a political stance itself,
right?
701
00:34:28,970 --> 00:34:32,050
But he could deliver any brand
of political content,
702
00:34:32,090 --> 00:34:34,730
minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.
703
00:34:34,770 --> 00:34:38,650
In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,
704
00:34:38,690 --> 00:34:40,650
then let Waldo hit him
with debunk stats
705
00:34:40,690 --> 00:34:43,810
and spit a Twitter-ready
zinger into the next sentence.
706
00:34:43,850 --> 00:34:46,170
He's the perfect assassin.
707
00:34:46,210 --> 00:34:47,890
We won't win, though.
708
00:34:51,610 --> 00:34:53,570
You guys are so British.
709
00:34:53,610 --> 00:34:57,730
No, of course he won't win. You
started out too coarse off the bat.
710
00:34:57,770 --> 00:35:00,930
There's no substantial basis
to what you offer, and the whole
711
00:35:01,090 --> 00:35:05,370
nihilist "democracy sucks" thing,
yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,
712
00:35:05,410 --> 00:35:09,810
but with a targeted, hopeful
message, which we can provide,
713
00:35:09,850 --> 00:35:13,010
energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middle
714
00:35:13,050 --> 00:35:17,450
via your new platform... You got
a global political-entertainment
715
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,010
product people actually want.
716
00:35:21,570 --> 00:35:23,370
You could roll this out worldwide.
717
00:35:23,410 --> 00:35:25,290
Like Pringles.
718
00:35:25,330 --> 00:35:26,690
Absolutely.
719
00:35:31,570 --> 00:35:35,090
It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.
720
00:35:35,130 --> 00:35:36,930
When you're done with Stentonford,
721
00:35:36,970 --> 00:35:39,530
there may be an opportunity
in South America.
722
00:35:39,570 --> 00:35:41,170
Se puede hablar espanol?
723
00:35:41,210 --> 00:35:43,570
Vivi en Madrid tres anos.
724
00:35:43,610 --> 00:35:45,450
Excelente.
725
00:36:04,410 --> 00:36:05,650
What?
726
00:36:06,970 --> 00:36:08,450
He's not coming.
727
00:36:08,490 --> 00:36:11,090
But he's the party leader!
728
00:36:11,130 --> 00:36:12,210
It's too toxic.
729
00:36:16,010 --> 00:36:18,210
(TV) Meanwhile,
as support for Gwendolyn Harris
730
00:36:18,250 --> 00:36:19,450
appears to be dwindling,
731
00:36:19,490 --> 00:36:23,370
Labour denies the party is losing
faith in their young candidate.
732
00:36:23,410 --> 00:36:26,010
But Miss Harris spent most of
the day locked in crisis talks
733
00:36:26,050 --> 00:36:27,290
at party headqu...
734
00:36:30,970 --> 00:36:35,250
In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues...
735
00:36:36,490 --> 00:36:38,970
Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?
736
00:36:39,010 --> 00:36:41,050
She looks like she's been poisoned.
737
00:36:41,090 --> 00:36:43,450
Because he's gonna overtake her.
738
00:36:43,490 --> 00:36:44,810
We're still way ahead.
739
00:36:44,850 --> 00:36:48,170
If that thing is the main opposition
then the whole system looks absurd.
740
00:36:50,850 --> 00:36:53,410
Which it may well be.
741
00:36:53,450 --> 00:36:54,850
But it built these roads.
742
00:37:00,970 --> 00:37:01,970
KNOCK AT DOOR
743
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:04,810
Just come in, Roy.
744
00:37:11,050 --> 00:37:12,810
I'm sorry, OK?
745
00:37:14,330 --> 00:37:16,730
It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...
746
00:37:16,770 --> 00:37:19,170
After the campaign,
I would've called you.
747
00:37:20,450 --> 00:37:22,450
After the campaign!
748
00:37:22,490 --> 00:37:24,610
All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.
749
00:37:25,610 --> 00:37:29,370
You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...
750
00:37:29,410 --> 00:37:32,370
Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".
751
00:37:32,410 --> 00:37:35,050
If you were preaching revolution,
well that'd be something,
752
00:37:35,090 --> 00:37:38,130
but you're not because that would
require courage and a mindset.
753
00:37:39,410 --> 00:37:40,770
And what have you got?
754
00:37:42,330 --> 00:37:43,530
Who are you?
755
00:37:44,970 --> 00:37:46,570
What are you for?
756
00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:54,810
Morning.
757
00:38:04,770 --> 00:38:06,570
So, final push.
758
00:38:06,610 --> 00:38:08,250
You remind everyone
that's got the app
759
00:38:08,290 --> 00:38:12,010
that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
760
00:38:12,050 --> 00:38:13,130
We're here.
761
00:38:16,050 --> 00:38:18,290
Attention, shoppers.
762
00:38:18,330 --> 00:38:21,730
I'm here to ask you an important
favour. Gather round.
763
00:38:21,770 --> 00:38:23,890
Come over here and listen.
764
00:38:26,410 --> 00:38:29,530
Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.
765
00:38:29,570 --> 00:38:31,090
Seriously.
766
00:38:31,130 --> 00:38:34,090
Vote for Monroe or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,
767
00:38:34,130 --> 00:38:35,930
or even that Lib Dem guy.
768
00:38:35,970 --> 00:38:37,570
He's a prick!
769
00:38:37,610 --> 00:38:41,210
Seriously, only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.
770
00:38:41,370 --> 00:38:42,370
What is this? Irony?
771
00:38:42,410 --> 00:38:44,090
I'm worse than a wasted vote.
772
00:38:44,130 --> 00:38:45,850
He's from the Harris campaign.
773
00:38:45,890 --> 00:38:48,090
I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!
774
00:38:48,130 --> 00:38:50,290
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
775
00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:52,210
Don't vote for me!
776
00:38:52,250 --> 00:38:53,970
Don't vmmmf!
777
00:38:56,330 --> 00:38:57,450
Shut up.
778
00:38:57,490 --> 00:38:59,370
No. Don't boo him,
he's right! He's right!
779
00:38:59,410 --> 00:39:00,570
What are you doing?
780
00:39:00,610 --> 00:39:01,010
Resigning.
781
00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:02,250
Jamie!
782
00:39:03,690 --> 00:39:05,450
Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
783
00:39:05,490 --> 00:39:08,650
This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.
784
00:39:08,690 --> 00:39:11,010
You should throw stuff at Waldo,
he's bad bloody news.
785
00:39:11,050 --> 00:39:11,210
He's funny!
786
00:39:11,250 --> 00:39:12,370
He's not.
787
00:39:12,530 --> 00:39:14,930
Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!
788
00:39:14,970 --> 00:39:18,570
So remember, the polls are open,
and if you've got my app, you can
789
00:39:18,610 --> 00:39:21,930
unlock new stuff like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.
790
00:39:21,970 --> 00:39:26,290
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me
so question the status quo!
791
00:39:26,330 --> 00:39:27,570
Kill it! Kill it!
792
00:39:27,610 --> 00:39:29,450
Kick them where it hurts.
793
00:39:29,490 --> 00:39:32,090
The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!
794
00:39:32,130 --> 00:39:35,570
Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.
795
00:39:35,610 --> 00:39:37,010
Smash it!
796
00:39:37,050 --> 00:39:39,170
Yeah! Yeah!
797
00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:43,530
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...
798
00:39:52,850 --> 00:39:54,210
(TV) I, the undersigned,
799
00:39:54,250 --> 00:39:56,330
being the returning
officer for the Stentonford
800
00:39:56,370 --> 00:39:59,850
and Hersham constituency, hereby
give notice that the total number
801
00:39:59,890 --> 00:40:03,330
of votes recorded for each candidate
at the election is as follows.
802
00:40:04,690 --> 00:40:08,290
Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.
803
00:40:08,330 --> 00:40:10,450
2,449.
804
00:40:10,490 --> 00:40:13,650
APPLAUSE
805
00:40:13,690 --> 00:40:17,090
Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.
806
00:40:17,130 --> 00:40:19,370
11,237.
807
00:40:19,410 --> 00:40:22,930
APPLAUSE AND BOOING
808
00:40:22,970 --> 00:40:27,410
Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.
809
00:40:27,450 --> 00:40:29,690
19,161.
810
00:40:29,730 --> 00:40:32,970
JEERING
811
00:40:36,410 --> 00:40:38,450
Waldo, Independent.
812
00:40:42,010 --> 00:40:44,370
16,784.
813
00:40:44,410 --> 00:40:48,250
BOOING AND SHOUTING
814
00:40:48,290 --> 00:40:52,370
Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen,
please! I declare that Liam Monroe
815
00:40:52,410 --> 00:40:55,090
is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.
816
00:40:55,130 --> 00:40:57,370
BOOING
817
00:40:57,410 --> 00:40:59,730
Hey, hey! Everyone!
818
00:40:59,770 --> 00:41:02,250
500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!
819
00:41:32,690 --> 00:41:34,930
Up you get, come on.
820
00:41:34,970 --> 00:41:36,250
Come on!
821
00:41:38,530 --> 00:41:41,810
MECHANICAL WHIRRING
822
00:41:45,130 --> 00:41:46,810
Come on. Out you go.
823
00:42:18,610 --> 00:42:22,890
AUDIO IN MANDARIN
824
00:42:42,170 --> 00:42:43,210
GLASS SMASHES
825
00:42:43,250 --> 00:42:44,650
Oi!
826
00:42:45,970 --> 00:42:47,170
Agh!
827
00:43:03,850 --> 00:43:08,850
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