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"Last man standing" is recorded
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in front of a live studio audience.
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(Alarm beeps)
4
00:00:07,062 --> 00:00:08,679
What did I do?
5
00:00:08,713 --> 00:00:10,831
Oh, that's the new security
system Chuck Larabee installed.
6
00:00:10,849 --> 00:00:13,217
Just punch 6-2-2-6-2.
7
00:00:13,268 --> 00:00:15,219
It's easy to remember, it spells "Obama."
8
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That's real funny, honey.
9
00:00:16,888 --> 00:00:19,089
Having Obama protect us from burglars,
10
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can't even keep Putin out of Crimea.
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00:00:22,944 --> 00:00:25,512
Someone's got a new Benghazi.
12
00:00:25,530 --> 00:00:27,948
Benghazi's not over yet. Yeah.
13
00:00:27,983 --> 00:00:29,650
Sweetie, how was your sleepover?
14
00:00:29,684 --> 00:00:31,235
Awesome. Grandpa's right.
15
00:00:31,286 --> 00:00:32,853
The house gets so peaceful
16
00:00:32,871 --> 00:00:34,688
once all the hens go to sleep.
17
00:00:35,690 --> 00:00:38,025
What time did he go to bed?
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00:00:38,043 --> 00:00:40,694
Earlier than usual. They
moved Kimmel to 11:30.
19
00:00:40,712 --> 00:00:44,031
We watched TV and organized our meat.
20
00:00:44,049 --> 00:00:47,251
Wow, he watches TV the same way you do.
21
00:00:47,302 --> 00:00:49,803
I'm preparing our first barbecue.
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00:00:49,838 --> 00:00:51,872
Burgers, chicken, lamb, and brisket.
23
00:00:51,890 --> 00:00:53,674
Mmm. Sounds like the delicious remains
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00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:56,176
of a drone strike on Noah's ark.
25
00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:58,345
Uh, what about tofu, hmm?
26
00:00:58,379 --> 00:00:59,813
I'm sure Mrs. Noah wanted it,
27
00:00:59,848 --> 00:01:01,849
but God said, "not on this cruise."
28
00:01:02,884 --> 00:01:04,735
Then what is Aunt April gonna eat?
29
00:01:04,769 --> 00:01:07,220
Aunt April? Is that this weekend?
30
00:01:07,239 --> 00:01:08,889
Yep. It's on the calendar.
31
00:01:08,907 --> 00:01:11,242
I scratched it out and
put "First Barbecue."
32
00:01:11,276 --> 00:01:12,660
Well, that doesn't make it go away.
33
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I've been talking to her for a week.
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She is really excited
about this visit. Yeah.
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Does she have to come in the house?
36
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,084
We could just leave a bag of cash
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00:01:20,118 --> 00:01:21,071
out on the front porch.
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Oh, honey.
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You know, maybe she's not coming for money.
40
00:01:23,204 --> 00:01:24,455
Maybe she misses me.
41
00:01:24,489 --> 00:01:26,523
If I offered her 400 bucks to visit
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or $410 not to visit,
you know what she'd take.
43
00:01:30,345 --> 00:01:32,796
Uh, I'll leave right now for $200.
44
00:01:32,847 --> 00:01:34,131
I thought we were going anyway?
45
00:01:34,182 --> 00:01:36,800
Shh. Boyd, Mommy's working.
46
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Nobody's getting money for
leaving this house until I do,
47
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and then I'm taking half.
48
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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:01:50,899 --> 00:01:53,067
As I live and breathe. Chuck Larabee. Hey.
50
00:01:53,101 --> 00:01:55,435
Wow. What are you doing around here?
51
00:01:55,453 --> 00:01:56,603
Looking for sleeping bags?
52
00:01:56,621 --> 00:01:58,305
I didn't know you folks were into camping.
53
00:01:59,374 --> 00:02:02,543
Oh, "we folks" love to
spend time in the woods.
54
00:02:02,577 --> 00:02:05,796
Plotting, planning. You'll see.
55
00:02:05,830 --> 00:02:08,382
I meant you marines.
56
00:02:08,416 --> 00:02:09,950
You know, I didn't think
you were into camping
57
00:02:09,968 --> 00:02:11,352
after spending all that time in Gulf one.
58
00:02:11,386 --> 00:02:13,504
Oh, I'm sure that's what you meant.
59
00:02:13,555 --> 00:02:16,456
You turn everything into a race thing. Oh.
60
00:02:16,474 --> 00:02:19,093
Makes it almost impossible
to insult you personally.
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00:02:19,127 --> 00:02:21,395
(Scoffs) Never stops you from trying.
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Hey. You might get more
people of color in this store
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00:02:24,298 --> 00:02:25,516
if you hired a few.
64
00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:27,300
You know, your employees look like
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00:02:27,319 --> 00:02:29,520
the cast of that "Hillbilly
Handfishin'" show.
66
00:02:29,571 --> 00:02:32,656
You know, we sell rods and reels here
67
00:02:32,691 --> 00:02:35,909
and don't really like
doing that handfishing idea.
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00:02:35,944 --> 00:02:38,662
I mean, what's next? Deer strangling?
69
00:02:38,697 --> 00:02:41,165
If there's a stupid way to hunt animals,
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00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:43,667
I'm sure you folks will get right on it.
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00:02:43,702 --> 00:02:45,452
What can I help you with?
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I'm just looking at flashlights.
73
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Oh, we've got a great
display down at camping.
74
00:02:50,425 --> 00:02:51,525
Take the hallway down,
75
00:02:51,559 --> 00:02:52,593
then you'll see a big,
stuffed grizzly bear.
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00:02:52,627 --> 00:02:53,761
If you see a real grizzly bear,
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you have gone too far.
78
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Huh.
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00:02:57,382 --> 00:02:58,832
That's your friend Chuck?
80
00:02:58,850 --> 00:03:01,719
He's not my friend. Why do
people keep making that mistake?
81
00:03:01,770 --> 00:03:04,004
Well, 'cause you guys go
back and forth like we do,
82
00:03:04,022 --> 00:03:05,005
and we're friends.
83
00:03:05,023 --> 00:03:05,973
Shut up, Kyle.
84
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See? Zing-zang!
85
00:03:09,177 --> 00:03:10,144
I'm glad to see Chuck.
86
00:03:10,178 --> 00:03:11,695
I've always wanted to reach more
87
00:03:11,730 --> 00:03:13,230
of the African-American market.
88
00:03:13,281 --> 00:03:15,733
Well, let's not start with Chuck.
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00:03:15,784 --> 00:03:17,735
If he has a great experience,
maybe he'll tell his friends.
90
00:03:17,786 --> 00:03:20,204
Kyle, I want you to treat Mr. Larabee
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00:03:20,238 --> 00:03:21,872
like he owns the store.
92
00:03:21,906 --> 00:03:24,375
You mean give him the friendly
ribbing like I do with you guys?
93
00:03:24,409 --> 00:03:26,359
Shut up, Kyle.
94
00:03:26,378 --> 00:03:28,662
How do I keep walking into
that? That's a good idea, Ed.
95
00:03:28,696 --> 00:03:31,298
Yeah, I want you to
follow Mr. Larabee around
96
00:03:31,332 --> 00:03:34,034
and treat him like he's
different than everybody else.
97
00:03:34,052 --> 00:03:35,169
Mike: Give him a lot of attention. Okay.
98
00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:36,837
(Chuckles) Oh, wait a minute.
99
00:03:36,871 --> 00:03:38,639
If we give him too much attention,
100
00:03:38,673 --> 00:03:40,290
he might take it the wrong way.
101
00:03:40,325 --> 00:03:42,309
Well, if he doesn't, it won't be funny.
102
00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,051
Excuse me. Can I help you?
103
00:04:24,085 --> 00:04:25,969
No, I'm good.
104
00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:27,471
You finding everything you need?
105
00:04:27,522 --> 00:04:28,772
I'm fine.
106
00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:30,924
Just so you know, I know
everything in the store,
107
00:04:30,942 --> 00:04:32,810
where it is, and how many of them we have.
108
00:04:34,612 --> 00:04:35,729
Good to know.
109
00:04:35,763 --> 00:04:37,731
Can I help you find anything specific?
110
00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:39,233
Like I said, I'm fine.
111
00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:40,617
Because I wouldn't want you to spend
112
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any more time here than
you absolutely have to.
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Right.
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00:04:46,241 --> 00:04:47,324
Do you mind my asking
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00:04:47,375 --> 00:04:49,442
why I'm getting all this special attention?
116
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Not at all, sir.
117
00:04:52,297 --> 00:04:54,948
Why am I getting all
this special attention?
118
00:04:54,966 --> 00:04:56,383
Oh, the top brass said
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for me to stay right on top of you.
120
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,254
It's 'cause you're black.
121
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,928
You know, Mandy Baxter fashions
122
00:05:07,962 --> 00:05:09,930
is not just about Mandy Baxter.
123
00:05:09,964 --> 00:05:13,767
It's about helping plain
girls look like Mandy Baxter.
124
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:16,770
Honey, plain girls don't
really like being called plain.
125
00:05:16,804 --> 00:05:17,905
I'm sorry, Mom.
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00:05:17,939 --> 00:05:19,907
I keep forgetting how sensitive you are.
127
00:05:22,243 --> 00:05:25,362
Well, Aunt April's here,
and off to a great start.
128
00:05:25,413 --> 00:05:28,031
Parked right in Dad's
spot. He's gonna be...
129
00:05:28,082 --> 00:05:30,167
Hi! (Squeals) (Squeals)
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Oh!
131
00:05:31,419 --> 00:05:32,920
Look at the three of you!
132
00:05:32,954 --> 00:05:35,506
You're like the more
beautiful Charlie's Angels.
133
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:37,157
Oooh. Well, I call Farrah.
134
00:05:37,175 --> 00:05:40,327
No, Jaclyn Smith. No, Cameron Diaz.
135
00:05:40,345 --> 00:05:41,678
Which Angel am I?
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00:05:41,713 --> 00:05:42,713
Charlie.
137
00:05:44,549 --> 00:05:46,517
I like it. Smart one surrounded by bimbos.
138
00:05:46,551 --> 00:05:47,634
Sounds about right.
139
00:05:47,668 --> 00:05:48,769
Oh. Mm.
140
00:05:48,803 --> 00:05:50,220
Come on in. Sit.
141
00:05:50,271 --> 00:05:52,005
Let's catch up. How's your life?
142
00:05:52,023 --> 00:05:53,557
You know, pretty great.
143
00:05:53,608 --> 00:05:55,508
Brad and I are back together.
144
00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:57,227
Mm. For now.
145
00:05:57,278 --> 00:05:59,012
I haven't checked my e-mail.
146
00:05:59,030 --> 00:06:00,998
And, uh, what happened
147
00:06:01,032 --> 00:06:02,866
with that clothing store you opened?
148
00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,985
Oh, yeah. The big and tall shop for women.
149
00:06:05,019 --> 00:06:07,187
Oh, Manly Gal.
150
00:06:08,573 --> 00:06:11,742
We went out of business. I lost a bundle.
151
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:14,828
But I met a ton of sweet transvestites.
152
00:06:16,197 --> 00:06:17,297
Hey.
153
00:06:17,332 --> 00:06:18,999
Mike! Hi!
154
00:06:19,033 --> 00:06:21,034
Oh! (Grunts)
155
00:06:21,052 --> 00:06:25,589
Ohh! I can't feel my lower extremities.
156
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,092
How is everyone's favorite Outdoor Man?
157
00:06:29,143 --> 00:06:30,811
Well, wishing he was outdoors.
158
00:06:32,247 --> 00:06:33,564
So, uh, how are you?
159
00:06:33,598 --> 00:06:36,049
Oh, it just feels great
to get out of Boulder.
160
00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:37,717
Yeah, welcome back to America.
161
00:06:37,735 --> 00:06:39,987
Dad, April was just catching
us up on her awesome life.
162
00:06:40,021 --> 00:06:42,239
It's like a Kate Hudson rom-com.
163
00:06:42,273 --> 00:06:44,942
Ohh, I should take this call in the den.
164
00:06:44,993 --> 00:06:46,410
Hey, your phone didn't ring.
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Just let me go.
166
00:06:51,232 --> 00:06:52,950
Well, April, good to see you here.
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00:06:53,001 --> 00:06:55,068
If I don't see you again, have a nice trip.
168
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,072
You're funny. You'll see me again.
169
00:06:59,107 --> 00:07:01,908
Oh, I don't know. I-I'm
pretty good at this.
170
00:07:01,926 --> 00:07:04,261
Come on. I got some wine in the kitchen.
171
00:07:04,295 --> 00:07:06,930
Oh, um, I might have done some
cooking with that last night.
172
00:07:06,965 --> 00:07:08,632
(Knock on door)
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00:07:11,636 --> 00:07:13,387
Hey, Larabee. Come on in.
174
00:07:13,421 --> 00:07:15,472
Very funny, Baxter.
175
00:07:15,523 --> 00:07:18,275
Having a salesman follow
me through the store.
176
00:07:18,309 --> 00:07:21,311
Profiling humor
...not cool.
177
00:07:23,064 --> 00:07:24,764
Yeah, so, I don't get it.
178
00:07:24,782 --> 00:07:27,367
If a taxi won't pick you
up, you're pissed. Mm.
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00:07:27,402 --> 00:07:30,203
If you get too much attention
in my store, you're pissed.
180
00:07:30,238 --> 00:07:32,739
You know what? I think
you just like being pissed.
181
00:07:32,773 --> 00:07:35,826
If you lived in my skin, you'd understand.
182
00:07:35,877 --> 00:07:38,412
If I lived in your skin,
it'd be kind of baggy on me.
183
00:07:40,715 --> 00:07:44,368
I know at least one part
of me you'd be swimming in.
184
00:07:46,787 --> 00:07:49,339
So, what's up next for
my gorgeous kid sister?
185
00:07:49,390 --> 00:07:51,508
I've kind of hit a point in my life
186
00:07:51,559 --> 00:07:53,626
where I want to get more grounded.
187
00:07:53,645 --> 00:07:55,762
You know, commit to something real.
188
00:07:55,796 --> 00:07:57,814
Ah. April, I'm glad to
hear it. Good for you.
189
00:07:57,849 --> 00:07:59,766
So I'm gonna have a baby.
190
00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:03,937
What?!
191
00:08:03,971 --> 00:08:06,139
A baby?
192
00:08:06,174 --> 00:08:08,241
Like, on purpose?
193
00:08:09,477 --> 00:08:10,444
You're pregnant?
194
00:08:10,478 --> 00:08:11,478
Oh, heck no.
195
00:08:11,496 --> 00:08:14,031
Apparently that window is closed.
196
00:08:14,082 --> 00:08:16,533
Slammed shut right on my uterus.
197
00:08:17,502 --> 00:08:19,086
But that doesn't make any sense.
198
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:20,704
You're so beautiful.
199
00:08:20,755 --> 00:08:23,507
Mandy, not a factor.
200
00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:25,759
I'm not gonna let that stop me.
201
00:08:25,793 --> 00:08:28,828
See, I can buy a donor
egg for like 6 grand,
202
00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:33,166
which I don't totally have, so...
203
00:08:33,184 --> 00:08:36,169
Y-you know, I think there
might be a bag of cash
204
00:08:36,187 --> 00:08:37,971
for you on the front porch.
205
00:08:45,728 --> 00:08:47,496
April having a baby
206
00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:49,381
is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
207
00:08:49,415 --> 00:08:51,366
Shh! She's in Kristin's room.
208
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,417
Oh, I forgot.
209
00:08:52,452 --> 00:08:56,038
Stupidest idea I've ever heard!
210
00:08:56,072 --> 00:08:57,372
You know, when we started a family,
211
00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:58,573
we didn't have all the answers.
212
00:08:58,591 --> 00:08:59,741
When we started a family,
213
00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:01,710
it didn't involve a
syringe and a petri dish.
214
00:09:01,744 --> 00:09:03,762
You know, we had some of the answers.
215
00:09:03,796 --> 00:09:06,348
No, I had the answers and
you just copied off of me.
216
00:09:06,382 --> 00:09:07,599
April is 40.
217
00:09:07,633 --> 00:09:09,468
Honey, this could be her last shot.
218
00:09:09,519 --> 00:09:10,552
That's right.
219
00:09:10,586 --> 00:09:12,587
Society almost made a clean getaway.
220
00:09:12,622 --> 00:09:14,556
Listen, if she had that kid,
221
00:09:14,590 --> 00:09:16,558
we'd have to take care of it,
222
00:09:16,592 --> 00:09:18,894
unless Brad and Angelina wanted it.
223
00:09:18,928 --> 00:09:21,763
Yeah. No, I know. You might be right.
224
00:09:21,781 --> 00:09:23,398
Oh, I'm right. Gosh.
225
00:09:23,433 --> 00:09:25,700
I guess not everybody's
cut out to be mommies.
226
00:09:25,735 --> 00:09:27,435
I just want to give my kid sister
227
00:09:27,453 --> 00:09:29,404
the benefit of the doubt.
228
00:09:29,439 --> 00:09:31,773
That's what we could call our
annual fundraiser for her...
229
00:09:31,791 --> 00:09:33,108
"The Benefit of the Doubt."
230
00:09:37,497 --> 00:09:39,498
I feel so lucky having Kyle.
231
00:09:39,549 --> 00:09:41,883
Oh, Kyle's the one who's lucky.
232
00:09:41,918 --> 00:09:45,420
In every young man's life,
there is a Mandy Baxter.
233
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,255
It's usually Mandy Baxter.
234
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,961
You know what? I feel
really lucky to have Brad.
235
00:09:52,979 --> 00:09:55,013
I'm just hoping that having this baby
236
00:09:55,064 --> 00:09:56,681
will get him to settle down.
237
00:09:56,732 --> 00:09:57,849
Yeah, yeah.
238
00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:59,618
If there's one siren
call a man can't resist,
239
00:09:59,652 --> 00:10:01,403
it's a crying baby.
240
00:10:02,738 --> 00:10:04,305
You know, when I got pregnant,
241
00:10:04,323 --> 00:10:07,025
Ryan disappeared for three years.
242
00:10:07,076 --> 00:10:08,660
Well, Ryan was young.
243
00:10:08,694 --> 00:10:11,279
Brad's more stable. He's in a band.
244
00:10:11,313 --> 00:10:14,783
Oh, yeah. Rock on.
245
00:10:16,252 --> 00:10:18,870
Brad would be crazy to leave you.
246
00:10:18,921 --> 00:10:22,174
You are so beautiful,
and you're so talented.
247
00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:24,159
Mandy, honey, can you give us a sec?
248
00:10:24,177 --> 00:10:25,160
Oh, yeah, sure.
249
00:10:25,178 --> 00:10:26,962
Oh, Mandy and I have no secrets.
250
00:10:26,996 --> 00:10:29,247
Ah, well, considering your year as a carny,
251
00:10:29,282 --> 00:10:30,298
that's disturbing.
252
00:10:31,601 --> 00:10:34,186
April, um...
253
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:37,606
Look, Mike and I have always
been willing to help you,
254
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,976
but this... this
donor-egg project...
255
00:10:41,010 --> 00:10:43,829
We just don't feel
comfortable underwriting it.
256
00:10:43,863 --> 00:10:45,514
I'm sorry, honey.
257
00:10:45,548 --> 00:10:47,699
If we don't help her, how is
she gonna start a family, Mom?
258
00:10:47,733 --> 00:10:50,152
Yeah, I don't have anywhere else to turn.
259
00:10:50,186 --> 00:10:52,520
Yes, you do.
260
00:10:54,257 --> 00:10:57,726
I mean, I have eggs, right?
261
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,060
I've got lots of them.
262
00:10:59,095 --> 00:11:01,496
Uh [Chuckles] slow down, Mandy.
263
00:11:01,531 --> 00:11:03,949
It's not loaning her a sweater.
264
00:11:07,086 --> 00:11:08,737
Are you sure?
265
00:11:08,771 --> 00:11:11,173
Um... Yes?
266
00:11:11,207 --> 00:11:13,258
(Both giggle)
267
00:11:13,309 --> 00:11:16,211
Now I know that my baby will
be brilliant and beautiful,
268
00:11:16,229 --> 00:11:19,481
and your little, baby ears are
gonna set off Brad's giant ones.
269
00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:22,350
Wait, wait, w-w-wait.
Th-th-this is a big decision.
270
00:11:22,384 --> 00:11:23,602
If it's a boy, Trevor.
271
00:11:23,653 --> 00:11:24,552
Tyler. Terrence.
272
00:11:24,570 --> 00:11:25,487
Deal. (Gasps) Deal.
273
00:11:25,521 --> 00:11:27,055
I have always loved that name.
274
00:11:27,073 --> 00:11:29,274
I'm pretty sure it was
on Beyonce's short list.
275
00:11:30,326 --> 00:11:32,410
I have to go call Kyle about this.
276
00:11:34,947 --> 00:11:36,698
You're not seriously considering
277
00:11:36,732 --> 00:11:38,366
taking Mandy up on this offer.
278
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,335
You saw how happy she was.
279
00:11:40,369 --> 00:11:42,621
I can't take that away from her.
280
00:11:42,655 --> 00:11:43,905
Yeah.
281
00:11:43,923 --> 00:11:45,573
You know, she's happy
282
00:11:45,591 --> 00:11:47,792
because, crazy as it
seems, she looks up to you.
283
00:11:47,843 --> 00:11:50,411
Oh, and why is that crazy?
284
00:11:50,429 --> 00:11:52,764
(Sighs) Because, April [Sighs]
285
00:11:52,798 --> 00:11:55,567
I mean, you're immature
and... and manipulative,
286
00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:58,470
and... Those are not good
qualities for Mandy to admire,
287
00:11:58,521 --> 00:12:00,755
and they're not good qualities for a mom.
288
00:12:00,773 --> 00:12:02,023
Oh, right.
289
00:12:02,058 --> 00:12:03,808
I can't be a great mom
290
00:12:03,859 --> 00:12:06,111
'cause I'm not a boring
grown-up with a house
291
00:12:06,145 --> 00:12:09,264
or a husband or a job.
292
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,068
Are... are you even
hearing yourself?
293
00:12:13,102 --> 00:12:16,871
Vanessa, I don't want all
of the things you have.
294
00:12:16,906 --> 00:12:19,207
I just want one of them.
295
00:12:19,242 --> 00:12:20,659
A child.
296
00:12:20,710 --> 00:12:23,111
Okay. You know, April, I held your hand
297
00:12:23,129 --> 00:12:25,213
when we walked to the school bus,
298
00:12:25,248 --> 00:12:27,332
and I will never stop holding it,
299
00:12:27,383 --> 00:12:28,917
but Mandy is my child.
300
00:12:28,951 --> 00:12:31,386
And I'm... I'm not gonna
let you exploit her.
301
00:12:32,788 --> 00:12:33,755
Wow.
302
00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:37,425
Well, at least Mandy has faith
303
00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:40,595
that I am responsible
enough to handle this.
304
00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:41,980
Now, if you'll excuse me,
305
00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:44,649
I need to get back to
Boulder before nightfall,
306
00:12:44,684 --> 00:12:46,968
because I am driving on the little tire.
307
00:12:59,453 --> 00:13:01,020
(Gun cocks)
308
00:13:01,038 --> 00:13:03,205
Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
309
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,908
All this month, it's spring turkey season
310
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:07,626
here in colorful Colorado.
311
00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:09,045
Gobble! Gobble!
312
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:11,213
Sitting out here in this pop-up blind
313
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:14,467
gives a hunter plenty of time
to think about the big issues.
314
00:13:14,501 --> 00:13:16,052
Like background checks.
315
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,553
Oh, easy, Mike.
316
00:13:17,587 --> 00:13:20,205
Everybody's protected
by the second amendment.
317
00:13:20,223 --> 00:13:22,808
No, no, no. I meant background
checks before having a kid.
318
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,477
Now, you don't want the government
319
00:13:24,511 --> 00:13:26,879
sticking its big, fat nose
into something like that,
320
00:13:26,897 --> 00:13:29,065
but somebody should do something
321
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,183
about stupid people having kids.
322
00:13:31,217 --> 00:13:34,303
Hillary Clinton... gosh, my
favorite woman on the planet...
323
00:13:34,338 --> 00:13:37,807
likes to say, "It takes a
village to raise a child."
324
00:13:37,841 --> 00:13:39,191
You know, it really shouldn't.
325
00:13:39,225 --> 00:13:42,912
Satisfying her husband, that
apparently takes a village.
326
00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:45,614
And not a particularly attractive one.
327
00:13:45,665 --> 00:13:47,867
So, before you decide to have a kid,
328
00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:49,502
give yourself a little background check.
329
00:13:49,536 --> 00:13:52,238
Ask yourself, "Am I shiftless?
330
00:13:52,272 --> 00:13:55,741
Am I a skanky dingbat who
can't hold down a job?"
331
00:13:55,776 --> 00:13:57,076
If your answer's yes,
332
00:13:57,110 --> 00:13:59,595
do yourself, the kid, and society a favor
333
00:13:59,629 --> 00:14:01,380
and go hunting instead.
334
00:14:01,414 --> 00:14:04,350
Rather than adding another
turkey to this world,
335
00:14:04,384 --> 00:14:05,417
try taking one out.
336
00:14:05,435 --> 00:14:06,418
(Turkey gobbles)
337
00:14:08,271 --> 00:14:10,756
(Gunshot)
338
00:14:10,774 --> 00:14:12,274
Bye-bye, birdie.
339
00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:16,095
Great. Now I'm craving
turkey and Ann-Margret.
340
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:23,235
Hey. (Sighs)
341
00:14:23,270 --> 00:14:24,320
Hey.
342
00:14:24,371 --> 00:14:25,955
Where's your sister?
343
00:14:25,989 --> 00:14:27,406
She went back to Boulder.
344
00:14:27,441 --> 00:14:28,707
All right, I win!
345
00:14:30,777 --> 00:14:32,578
No offense, but it's worth having her here
346
00:14:32,612 --> 00:14:34,046
because you get the sweet relief
347
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:36,132
when she finally gets out of here.
348
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,518
Everything tastes better.
349
00:14:39,553 --> 00:14:42,721
Mandy offered to give
April one of her eggs.
350
00:14:43,723 --> 00:14:44,924
Ahh.
351
00:14:47,394 --> 00:14:49,512
How's that beer tasting now?
352
00:14:49,563 --> 00:14:52,098
Like the first of many.
353
00:14:53,733 --> 00:14:55,351
Did you talk to her?
354
00:14:55,402 --> 00:14:57,136
Well, I was waiting for you to come home
355
00:14:57,154 --> 00:14:58,804
so we can come up with a... Mandy!
356
00:14:58,822 --> 00:15:01,440
...unified strategy.
357
00:15:01,474 --> 00:15:02,691
What?
358
00:15:02,742 --> 00:15:03,742
This is nuts.
359
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,111
Unless you're a socialist farmer,
360
00:15:05,145 --> 00:15:07,196
you don't give away your eggs.
361
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:09,648
Honey, you offering to give April
362
00:15:09,666 --> 00:15:11,367
a chance at motherhood was very generous,
363
00:15:11,418 --> 00:15:13,035
but... no, you
know what's generous
364
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:14,486
is giving back the Panama canal. Okay.
365
00:15:14,504 --> 00:15:16,872
This... this is just stupid.
366
00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:19,992
This is like something
Jimmy Carter would do.
367
00:15:20,010 --> 00:15:21,877
Great. Yes. Here we go again.
368
00:15:21,928 --> 00:15:25,097
"Mandy is so stupid. She's
just like Jimmy Carter."
369
00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:28,100
Don't I get any credit for the grades
370
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:29,718
I've been getting in school?
371
00:15:29,769 --> 00:15:31,971
Or starting a profitable business?
372
00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:34,523
Or moving the mailbox to the
other side of the driveway
373
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:37,143
so I wouldn't keep backing over it?
374
00:15:37,177 --> 00:15:38,844
Honey, you have grown a lot this year,
375
00:15:38,862 --> 00:15:40,312
and you deserve a lot of credit,
376
00:15:40,346 --> 00:15:41,864
but not enough to let you do this.
377
00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:43,649
No way. Well, I'm sorry, all right?
378
00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:45,851
What do you mean you're
s... you guys can't stop me.
379
00:15:45,869 --> 00:15:48,454
It's my body, my choice, okay?
380
00:15:49,656 --> 00:15:53,358
College has been good to you.
381
00:15:53,376 --> 00:15:54,877
She can read a bumper sticker.
382
00:15:54,911 --> 00:15:56,545
Oh, stop.
383
00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:03,368
So, you had the same exact
argument with your mom
384
00:16:03,386 --> 00:16:04,386
that I did.
385
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,371
I got the mom-dad tag team.
386
00:16:06,389 --> 00:16:07,372
They were like, "blah, blah, blah."
387
00:16:07,390 --> 00:16:08,924
And I was like "blah."
388
00:16:08,975 --> 00:16:10,426
I made you a sandwich
389
00:16:10,477 --> 00:16:12,511
'cause I know your egg
is eating for two now.
390
00:16:14,064 --> 00:16:15,030
It's egg salad.
391
00:16:15,065 --> 00:16:16,548
I hope that's not insensitive.
392
00:16:16,566 --> 00:16:17,983
No, it's okay.
393
00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:19,384
Um, hey, April,
394
00:16:19,402 --> 00:16:21,237
I've been doing a lot of research.
395
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,572
This whole process is,
like, pretty involved.
396
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,859
Oh, I'm stressed out even
thinking about it. Yeah.
397
00:16:26,893 --> 00:16:29,278
If I started the fertility shots in May,
398
00:16:29,329 --> 00:16:31,363
then they could do the extraction
399
00:16:31,397 --> 00:16:33,499
and then Brad could add his, um...
400
00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:35,400
Uh... pbht!... ingredient,
401
00:16:35,418 --> 00:16:38,170
and then we're, like,
402
00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:40,122
pretty much good to go end of June.
403
00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:41,740
Aah! Nope.
404
00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:45,127
End of June doesn't work for me.
405
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:46,929
No, I can't be pregnant
406
00:16:46,963 --> 00:16:49,682
if Arcade Fire comes to Red Rocks.
407
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:53,035
If win Butler calls me up on stage,
408
00:16:53,069 --> 00:16:54,353
I don't want to be puffy.
409
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:57,156
Oh, yeah, sure.
410
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,624
Well, when would work for you?
411
00:16:58,658 --> 00:17:00,759
Uh... Maybe August?
412
00:17:00,777 --> 00:17:02,945
Oh, you know, we're thinking
about going to Greece.
413
00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:05,264
Oh, you're going to Greece?
414
00:17:05,298 --> 00:17:08,934
"Grease." I love that musical.
415
00:17:08,952 --> 00:17:10,602
I played Kenickie in high school.
416
00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:12,671
I was not good.
417
00:17:12,706 --> 00:17:14,773
But if you're having
a kid, don't you think,
418
00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:16,759
you know, you should kind of be saving...?
419
00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:19,161
Ohh, you're right. You're right.
420
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:22,965
I mean, this whole thing is
just becoming a whole thing.
421
00:17:22,999 --> 00:17:24,250
Um...
422
00:17:24,284 --> 00:17:26,001
You know, how about we do September?
423
00:17:26,052 --> 00:17:28,087
Nah, you're gonna be
back in school by then.
424
00:17:28,121 --> 00:17:30,506
Right. And plus, I'll be
starting my new fall line.
425
00:17:30,557 --> 00:17:33,642
Aww, listen to you. So industrious.
426
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:36,178
Must make rompers. Must make rompers.
427
00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:38,931
You know what? We'll figure it out.
428
00:17:38,965 --> 00:17:40,065
We have time.
429
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,401
It's not like my ovaries
can get any deader.
430
00:17:43,436 --> 00:17:44,920
Okay, well, we'll talk soon.
431
00:17:44,955 --> 00:17:46,638
Aww, ciao for now.
432
00:17:48,124 --> 00:17:49,474
(Sighs)
433
00:17:49,492 --> 00:17:51,010
Why are you staring like that?
434
00:17:51,044 --> 00:17:52,394
You look like the audience
435
00:17:52,429 --> 00:17:54,129
through my performance in "Grease."
436
00:17:59,035 --> 00:18:01,170
Um...
437
00:18:01,204 --> 00:18:02,554
Kyle, I'm just wondering,
438
00:18:02,589 --> 00:18:05,874
do you think this whole
thing with April is a mistake?
439
00:18:08,678 --> 00:18:11,880
Mandy, I just want you to
know that I support you 100%.
440
00:18:11,931 --> 00:18:14,016
And yes, it's a horrible mistake.
441
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:16,969
Really?
442
00:18:17,003 --> 00:18:19,188
Yeah. Children are precious.
443
00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:20,873
If somebody wants to have a baby,
444
00:18:20,907 --> 00:18:23,008
they should be serious
and willing to put up
445
00:18:23,026 --> 00:18:25,377
with a little inconvenience.
446
00:18:25,412 --> 00:18:28,013
That's what I'd want for
any kid that's part yours.
447
00:18:28,031 --> 00:18:29,882
You know, if I was gonna have a baby,
448
00:18:29,916 --> 00:18:31,850
I'd want it to be with someone like you.
449
00:18:31,885 --> 00:18:33,018
Deal.
450
00:18:33,053 --> 00:18:34,653
(Gasps) Oh, my God.
451
00:18:34,687 --> 00:18:37,373
I've always loved that name, too.
452
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,919
(Alarm blares) Ah! What do I press?
453
00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:49,804
It's your father's birthday.
454
00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:52,307
Shoot, I didn't get him anything!
455
00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:54,542
We changed the code to
your father's birthday.
456
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,012
Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's my birthday.
457
00:18:57,046 --> 00:18:58,713
I know, I forgot. I'm sorry.
458
00:18:58,731 --> 00:19:00,482
Honey, uh, the security's
...whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
459
00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:01,883
The light keeps blinking.
I got it. I got it.
460
00:19:01,901 --> 00:19:02,884
I don't know. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
461
00:19:02,919 --> 00:19:04,152
It's because...
462
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:06,271
One of the window sensors is out.
463
00:19:06,322 --> 00:19:07,656
I got to go look at that.
464
00:19:07,690 --> 00:19:08,657
Hey. Hi.
465
00:19:08,691 --> 00:19:09,724
Everything okay?
466
00:19:09,742 --> 00:19:10,725
Yes.
467
00:19:10,743 --> 00:19:12,226
Um...
468
00:19:12,245 --> 00:19:14,863
I told Aunt April that I
couldn't give her an egg. Ah.
469
00:19:14,897 --> 00:19:15,947
My choice.
470
00:19:15,998 --> 00:19:18,550
Okay. Good. I think it's the right choice.
471
00:19:18,584 --> 00:19:20,235
Right. I'm proud of you. Yeah.
472
00:19:20,269 --> 00:19:21,786
You're no Jimmy Carter.
473
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,006
I'm gonna go to bed.
474
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:26,625
Got some rompers to sew tomorrow.
475
00:19:26,659 --> 00:19:27,626
Mwah! Oh, good.
476
00:19:27,677 --> 00:19:30,745
Night, Dad. Happy Birthday.
477
00:19:30,763 --> 00:19:32,380
I'm proud of you.
478
00:19:32,414 --> 00:19:34,082
Have a good night.
479
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:37,085
She has turned into a
really ambitious young woman.
480
00:19:37,103 --> 00:19:38,887
Somebody did a good job parenting.
481
00:19:38,921 --> 00:19:40,188
You're welcome.
482
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,473
Listen...
483
00:19:41,524 --> 00:19:43,257
I got to fix this window
484
00:19:43,276 --> 00:19:45,193
and then I'll be up
for my birthday present.
485
00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,662
So, uh, brace yourself.
486
00:19:56,572 --> 00:19:58,773
Okay, hold it right there.
487
00:19:58,791 --> 00:20:00,041
Keep your hands where I can see them.
488
00:20:00,076 --> 00:20:01,610
Hey. It's just a false alarm.
489
00:20:01,644 --> 00:20:04,496
One of my screen sensors
looks like it came loose.
490
00:20:04,547 --> 00:20:06,781
I'm gonna need to see some I.D.
491
00:20:06,799 --> 00:20:08,500
I don't have any I.D. I live here.
492
00:20:09,635 --> 00:20:11,285
This house. Look at my desk.
493
00:20:11,304 --> 00:20:12,804
You'll see a picture of me
sitting right on that desk.
494
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:13,838
Look at that.
495
00:20:13,889 --> 00:20:16,257
So you've been looking in the windows?
496
00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:17,926
What's going on, Hal?
497
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,178
Responding to an alarm,
Mr. Larabee. Uh-huh.
498
00:20:20,229 --> 00:20:22,981
Found this one by the front window.
499
00:20:24,133 --> 00:20:27,485
Yeah, he does fit the
profile of a Peeping Tom...
500
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:32,557
middle-aged, sweatpants, peeping.
501
00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:33,975
He says he's the resident.
502
00:20:33,993 --> 00:20:37,746
Mm. Straight out of the
Peeping-Tom handbook.
503
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:40,148
This is real funny, Larabee. (Chuckles)
504
00:20:40,166 --> 00:20:42,033
You know, I could put this on Yelp.
505
00:20:42,084 --> 00:20:44,619
(Chuckles) I'll vouch for
him, Hal. Go ahead, guys.
506
00:20:44,653 --> 00:20:46,988
Okay. Take it easy, boss. See?
507
00:20:47,006 --> 00:20:48,590
Hey, doesn't feel so good, does it?
508
00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:50,375
You know... when people jump
to conclusions about you?
509
00:20:50,426 --> 00:20:51,760
You know what does feel good
510
00:20:51,794 --> 00:20:54,596
is hiring an incompetent security company.
511
00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:56,598
You know, that window
sensor's loose or something.
512
00:20:56,632 --> 00:20:58,099
Keeps showing up on this alarm pad.
513
00:20:58,134 --> 00:21:00,001
Oh, you probably changed the pass code
514
00:21:00,019 --> 00:21:01,519
without resetting the system.
515
00:21:01,554 --> 00:21:03,038
Did you switch out Obama?
516
00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:06,007
It was a change I could believe in.
517
00:21:06,025 --> 00:21:07,842
Yeah. (Chuckles)
518
00:21:07,877 --> 00:21:09,978
Oh, yeah, it's been a tough five years.
519
00:21:10,012 --> 00:21:13,181
Bin Laden's dead and the
stock market's doubled.
520
00:21:13,199 --> 00:21:15,016
Hang in there.
521
00:21:15,051 --> 00:21:17,619
Yeah. No doubt, things
have gotten better. Mm.
522
00:21:17,653 --> 00:21:20,789
Bush's policies have finally kicked in.
523
00:21:20,823 --> 00:21:22,407
(Laughs)
524
00:21:22,441 --> 00:21:24,459
Good night, Baxter.
525
00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:27,012
Night, Larabee.
37714
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