All language subtitles for Last Man Standing - 03x21 - April, Come She Will.WEB-DL.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,375 --> 00:00:04,508 "Last man standing" is recorded 2 00:00:04,543 --> 00:00:06,026 in front of a live studio audience. 3 00:00:06,061 --> 00:00:07,027 (Alarm beeps) 4 00:00:07,062 --> 00:00:08,679 What did I do? 5 00:00:08,713 --> 00:00:10,831 Oh, that's the new security system Chuck Larabee installed. 6 00:00:10,849 --> 00:00:13,217 Just punch 6-2-2-6-2. 7 00:00:13,268 --> 00:00:15,219 It's easy to remember, it spells "Obama." 8 00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:16,854 That's real funny, honey. 9 00:00:16,888 --> 00:00:19,089 Having Obama protect us from burglars, 10 00:00:19,124 --> 00:00:21,225 can't even keep Putin out of Crimea. 11 00:00:22,944 --> 00:00:25,512 Someone's got a new Benghazi. 12 00:00:25,530 --> 00:00:27,948 Benghazi's not over yet. Yeah. 13 00:00:27,983 --> 00:00:29,650 Sweetie, how was your sleepover? 14 00:00:29,684 --> 00:00:31,235 Awesome. Grandpa's right. 15 00:00:31,286 --> 00:00:32,853 The house gets so peaceful 16 00:00:32,871 --> 00:00:34,688 once all the hens go to sleep. 17 00:00:35,690 --> 00:00:38,025 What time did he go to bed? 18 00:00:38,043 --> 00:00:40,694 Earlier than usual. They moved Kimmel to 11:30. 19 00:00:40,712 --> 00:00:44,031 We watched TV and organized our meat. 20 00:00:44,049 --> 00:00:47,251 Wow, he watches TV the same way you do. 21 00:00:47,302 --> 00:00:49,803 I'm preparing our first barbecue. 22 00:00:49,838 --> 00:00:51,872 Burgers, chicken, lamb, and brisket. 23 00:00:51,890 --> 00:00:53,674 Mmm. Sounds like the delicious remains 24 00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:56,176 of a drone strike on Noah's ark. 25 00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:58,345 Uh, what about tofu, hmm? 26 00:00:58,379 --> 00:00:59,813 I'm sure Mrs. Noah wanted it, 27 00:00:59,848 --> 00:01:01,849 but God said, "not on this cruise." 28 00:01:02,884 --> 00:01:04,735 Then what is Aunt April gonna eat? 29 00:01:04,769 --> 00:01:07,220 Aunt April? Is that this weekend? 30 00:01:07,239 --> 00:01:08,889 Yep. It's on the calendar. 31 00:01:08,907 --> 00:01:11,242 I scratched it out and put "First Barbecue." 32 00:01:11,276 --> 00:01:12,660 Well, that doesn't make it go away. 33 00:01:13,561 --> 00:01:15,062 I've been talking to her for a week. 34 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,031 She is really excited about this visit. Yeah. 35 00:01:17,065 --> 00:01:18,666 Does she have to come in the house? 36 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,084 We could just leave a bag of cash 37 00:01:20,118 --> 00:01:21,071 out on the front porch. 38 00:01:21,072 --> 00:01:21,568 Oh, honey. 39 00:01:21,586 --> 00:01:23,170 You know, maybe she's not coming for money. 40 00:01:23,204 --> 00:01:24,455 Maybe she misses me. 41 00:01:24,489 --> 00:01:26,523 If I offered her 400 bucks to visit 42 00:01:26,558 --> 00:01:29,176 or $410 not to visit, you know what she'd take. 43 00:01:30,345 --> 00:01:32,796 Uh, I'll leave right now for $200. 44 00:01:32,847 --> 00:01:34,131 I thought we were going anyway? 45 00:01:34,182 --> 00:01:36,800 Shh. Boyd, Mommy's working. 46 00:01:36,851 --> 00:01:39,753 Nobody's getting money for leaving this house until I do, 47 00:01:39,771 --> 00:01:41,088 and then I'm taking half. 48 00:01:42,674 --> 00:01:46,759 Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com 49 00:01:50,899 --> 00:01:53,067 As I live and breathe. Chuck Larabee. Hey. 50 00:01:53,101 --> 00:01:55,435 Wow. What are you doing around here? 51 00:01:55,453 --> 00:01:56,603 Looking for sleeping bags? 52 00:01:56,621 --> 00:01:58,305 I didn't know you folks were into camping. 53 00:01:59,374 --> 00:02:02,543 Oh, "we folks" love to spend time in the woods. 54 00:02:02,577 --> 00:02:05,796 Plotting, planning. You'll see. 55 00:02:05,830 --> 00:02:08,382 I meant you marines. 56 00:02:08,416 --> 00:02:09,950 You know, I didn't think you were into camping 57 00:02:09,968 --> 00:02:11,352 after spending all that time in Gulf one. 58 00:02:11,386 --> 00:02:13,504 Oh, I'm sure that's what you meant. 59 00:02:13,555 --> 00:02:16,456 You turn everything into a race thing. Oh. 60 00:02:16,474 --> 00:02:19,093 Makes it almost impossible to insult you personally. 61 00:02:19,127 --> 00:02:21,395 (Scoffs) Never stops you from trying. 62 00:02:21,429 --> 00:02:24,264 Hey. You might get more people of color in this store 63 00:02:24,298 --> 00:02:25,516 if you hired a few. 64 00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:27,300 You know, your employees look like 65 00:02:27,319 --> 00:02:29,520 the cast of that "Hillbilly Handfishin'" show. 66 00:02:29,571 --> 00:02:32,656 You know, we sell rods and reels here 67 00:02:32,691 --> 00:02:35,909 and don't really like doing that handfishing idea. 68 00:02:35,944 --> 00:02:38,662 I mean, what's next? Deer strangling? 69 00:02:38,697 --> 00:02:41,165 If there's a stupid way to hunt animals, 70 00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:43,667 I'm sure you folks will get right on it. 71 00:02:43,702 --> 00:02:45,452 What can I help you with? 72 00:02:45,486 --> 00:02:47,254 I'm just looking at flashlights. 73 00:02:47,288 --> 00:02:50,374 Oh, we've got a great display down at camping. 74 00:02:50,425 --> 00:02:51,525 Take the hallway down, 75 00:02:51,559 --> 00:02:52,593 then you'll see a big, stuffed grizzly bear. 76 00:02:52,627 --> 00:02:53,761 If you see a real grizzly bear, 77 00:02:53,795 --> 00:02:54,962 you have gone too far. 78 00:02:54,996 --> 00:02:56,213 Huh. 79 00:02:57,382 --> 00:02:58,832 That's your friend Chuck? 80 00:02:58,850 --> 00:03:01,719 He's not my friend. Why do people keep making that mistake? 81 00:03:01,770 --> 00:03:04,004 Well, 'cause you guys go back and forth like we do, 82 00:03:04,022 --> 00:03:05,005 and we're friends. 83 00:03:05,023 --> 00:03:05,973 Shut up, Kyle. 84 00:03:06,975 --> 00:03:09,143 See? Zing-zang! 85 00:03:09,177 --> 00:03:10,144 I'm glad to see Chuck. 86 00:03:10,178 --> 00:03:11,695 I've always wanted to reach more 87 00:03:11,730 --> 00:03:13,230 of the African-American market. 88 00:03:13,281 --> 00:03:15,733 Well, let's not start with Chuck. 89 00:03:15,784 --> 00:03:17,735 If he has a great experience, maybe he'll tell his friends. 90 00:03:17,786 --> 00:03:20,204 Kyle, I want you to treat Mr. Larabee 91 00:03:20,238 --> 00:03:21,872 like he owns the store. 92 00:03:21,906 --> 00:03:24,375 You mean give him the friendly ribbing like I do with you guys? 93 00:03:24,409 --> 00:03:26,359 Shut up, Kyle. 94 00:03:26,378 --> 00:03:28,662 How do I keep walking into that? That's a good idea, Ed. 95 00:03:28,696 --> 00:03:31,298 Yeah, I want you to follow Mr. Larabee around 96 00:03:31,332 --> 00:03:34,034 and treat him like he's different than everybody else. 97 00:03:34,052 --> 00:03:35,169 Mike: Give him a lot of attention. Okay. 98 00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:36,837 (Chuckles) Oh, wait a minute. 99 00:03:36,871 --> 00:03:38,639 If we give him too much attention, 100 00:03:38,673 --> 00:03:40,290 he might take it the wrong way. 101 00:03:40,325 --> 00:03:42,309 Well, if he doesn't, it won't be funny. 102 00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,051 Excuse me. Can I help you? 103 00:04:24,085 --> 00:04:25,969 No, I'm good. 104 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:27,471 You finding everything you need? 105 00:04:27,522 --> 00:04:28,772 I'm fine. 106 00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:30,924 Just so you know, I know everything in the store, 107 00:04:30,942 --> 00:04:32,810 where it is, and how many of them we have. 108 00:04:34,612 --> 00:04:35,729 Good to know. 109 00:04:35,763 --> 00:04:37,731 Can I help you find anything specific? 110 00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:39,233 Like I said, I'm fine. 111 00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:40,617 Because I wouldn't want you to spend 112 00:04:40,652 --> 00:04:42,435 any more time here than you absolutely have to. 113 00:04:44,789 --> 00:04:46,206 Right. 114 00:04:46,241 --> 00:04:47,324 Do you mind my asking 115 00:04:47,375 --> 00:04:49,442 why I'm getting all this special attention? 116 00:04:49,461 --> 00:04:50,777 Not at all, sir. 117 00:04:52,297 --> 00:04:54,948 Why am I getting all this special attention? 118 00:04:54,966 --> 00:04:56,383 Oh, the top brass said 119 00:04:56,417 --> 00:04:58,669 for me to stay right on top of you. 120 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,254 It's 'cause you're black. 121 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,928 You know, Mandy Baxter fashions 122 00:05:07,962 --> 00:05:09,930 is not just about Mandy Baxter. 123 00:05:09,964 --> 00:05:13,767 It's about helping plain girls look like Mandy Baxter. 124 00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:16,770 Honey, plain girls don't really like being called plain. 125 00:05:16,804 --> 00:05:17,905 I'm sorry, Mom. 126 00:05:17,939 --> 00:05:19,907 I keep forgetting how sensitive you are. 127 00:05:22,243 --> 00:05:25,362 Well, Aunt April's here, and off to a great start. 128 00:05:25,413 --> 00:05:28,031 Parked right in Dad's spot. He's gonna be... 129 00:05:28,082 --> 00:05:30,167 Hi! (Squeals) (Squeals) 130 00:05:30,201 --> 00:05:31,368 Oh! 131 00:05:31,419 --> 00:05:32,920 Look at the three of you! 132 00:05:32,954 --> 00:05:35,506 You're like the more beautiful Charlie's Angels. 133 00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:37,157 Oooh. Well, I call Farrah. 134 00:05:37,175 --> 00:05:40,327 No, Jaclyn Smith. No, Cameron Diaz. 135 00:05:40,345 --> 00:05:41,678 Which Angel am I? 136 00:05:41,713 --> 00:05:42,713 Charlie. 137 00:05:44,549 --> 00:05:46,517 I like it. Smart one surrounded by bimbos. 138 00:05:46,551 --> 00:05:47,634 Sounds about right. 139 00:05:47,668 --> 00:05:48,769 Oh. Mm. 140 00:05:48,803 --> 00:05:50,220 Come on in. Sit. 141 00:05:50,271 --> 00:05:52,005 Let's catch up. How's your life? 142 00:05:52,023 --> 00:05:53,557 You know, pretty great. 143 00:05:53,608 --> 00:05:55,508 Brad and I are back together. 144 00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:57,227 Mm. For now. 145 00:05:57,278 --> 00:05:59,012 I haven't checked my e-mail. 146 00:05:59,030 --> 00:06:00,998 And, uh, what happened 147 00:06:01,032 --> 00:06:02,866 with that clothing store you opened? 148 00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,985 Oh, yeah. The big and tall shop for women. 149 00:06:05,019 --> 00:06:07,187 Oh, Manly Gal. 150 00:06:08,573 --> 00:06:11,742 We went out of business. I lost a bundle. 151 00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:14,828 But I met a ton of sweet transvestites. 152 00:06:16,197 --> 00:06:17,297 Hey. 153 00:06:17,332 --> 00:06:18,999 Mike! Hi! 154 00:06:19,033 --> 00:06:21,034 Oh! (Grunts) 155 00:06:21,052 --> 00:06:25,589 Ohh! I can't feel my lower extremities. 156 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,092 How is everyone's favorite Outdoor Man? 157 00:06:29,143 --> 00:06:30,811 Well, wishing he was outdoors. 158 00:06:32,247 --> 00:06:33,564 So, uh, how are you? 159 00:06:33,598 --> 00:06:36,049 Oh, it just feels great to get out of Boulder. 160 00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:37,717 Yeah, welcome back to America. 161 00:06:37,735 --> 00:06:39,987 Dad, April was just catching us up on her awesome life. 162 00:06:40,021 --> 00:06:42,239 It's like a Kate Hudson rom-com. 163 00:06:42,273 --> 00:06:44,942 Ohh, I should take this call in the den. 164 00:06:44,993 --> 00:06:46,410 Hey, your phone didn't ring. 165 00:06:46,444 --> 00:06:47,694 Just let me go. 166 00:06:51,232 --> 00:06:52,950 Well, April, good to see you here. 167 00:06:53,001 --> 00:06:55,068 If I don't see you again, have a nice trip. 168 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,072 You're funny. You'll see me again. 169 00:06:59,107 --> 00:07:01,908 Oh, I don't know. I-I'm pretty good at this. 170 00:07:01,926 --> 00:07:04,261 Come on. I got some wine in the kitchen. 171 00:07:04,295 --> 00:07:06,930 Oh, um, I might have done some cooking with that last night. 172 00:07:06,965 --> 00:07:08,632 (Knock on door) 173 00:07:11,636 --> 00:07:13,387 Hey, Larabee. Come on in. 174 00:07:13,421 --> 00:07:15,472 Very funny, Baxter. 175 00:07:15,523 --> 00:07:18,275 Having a salesman follow me through the store. 176 00:07:18,309 --> 00:07:21,311 Profiling humor ...not cool. 177 00:07:23,064 --> 00:07:24,764 Yeah, so, I don't get it. 178 00:07:24,782 --> 00:07:27,367 If a taxi won't pick you up, you're pissed. Mm. 179 00:07:27,402 --> 00:07:30,203 If you get too much attention in my store, you're pissed. 180 00:07:30,238 --> 00:07:32,739 You know what? I think you just like being pissed. 181 00:07:32,773 --> 00:07:35,826 If you lived in my skin, you'd understand. 182 00:07:35,877 --> 00:07:38,412 If I lived in your skin, it'd be kind of baggy on me. 183 00:07:40,715 --> 00:07:44,368 I know at least one part of me you'd be swimming in. 184 00:07:46,787 --> 00:07:49,339 So, what's up next for my gorgeous kid sister? 185 00:07:49,390 --> 00:07:51,508 I've kind of hit a point in my life 186 00:07:51,559 --> 00:07:53,626 where I want to get more grounded. 187 00:07:53,645 --> 00:07:55,762 You know, commit to something real. 188 00:07:55,796 --> 00:07:57,814 Ah. April, I'm glad to hear it. Good for you. 189 00:07:57,849 --> 00:07:59,766 So I'm gonna have a baby. 190 00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:03,937 What?! 191 00:08:03,971 --> 00:08:06,139 A baby? 192 00:08:06,174 --> 00:08:08,241 Like, on purpose? 193 00:08:09,477 --> 00:08:10,444 You're pregnant? 194 00:08:10,478 --> 00:08:11,478 Oh, heck no. 195 00:08:11,496 --> 00:08:14,031 Apparently that window is closed. 196 00:08:14,082 --> 00:08:16,533 Slammed shut right on my uterus. 197 00:08:17,502 --> 00:08:19,086 But that doesn't make any sense. 198 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:20,704 You're so beautiful. 199 00:08:20,755 --> 00:08:23,507 Mandy, not a factor. 200 00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:25,759 I'm not gonna let that stop me. 201 00:08:25,793 --> 00:08:28,828 See, I can buy a donor egg for like 6 grand, 202 00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:33,166 which I don't totally have, so... 203 00:08:33,184 --> 00:08:36,169 Y-you know, I think there might be a bag of cash 204 00:08:36,187 --> 00:08:37,971 for you on the front porch. 205 00:08:45,728 --> 00:08:47,496 April having a baby 206 00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:49,381 is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. 207 00:08:49,415 --> 00:08:51,366 Shh! She's in Kristin's room. 208 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,417 Oh, I forgot. 209 00:08:52,452 --> 00:08:56,038 Stupidest idea I've ever heard! 210 00:08:56,072 --> 00:08:57,372 You know, when we started a family, 211 00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:58,573 we didn't have all the answers. 212 00:08:58,591 --> 00:08:59,741 When we started a family, 213 00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:01,710 it didn't involve a syringe and a petri dish. 214 00:09:01,744 --> 00:09:03,762 You know, we had some of the answers. 215 00:09:03,796 --> 00:09:06,348 No, I had the answers and you just copied off of me. 216 00:09:06,382 --> 00:09:07,599 April is 40. 217 00:09:07,633 --> 00:09:09,468 Honey, this could be her last shot. 218 00:09:09,519 --> 00:09:10,552 That's right. 219 00:09:10,586 --> 00:09:12,587 Society almost made a clean getaway. 220 00:09:12,622 --> 00:09:14,556 Listen, if she had that kid, 221 00:09:14,590 --> 00:09:16,558 we'd have to take care of it, 222 00:09:16,592 --> 00:09:18,894 unless Brad and Angelina wanted it. 223 00:09:18,928 --> 00:09:21,763 Yeah. No, I know. You might be right. 224 00:09:21,781 --> 00:09:23,398 Oh, I'm right. Gosh. 225 00:09:23,433 --> 00:09:25,700 I guess not everybody's cut out to be mommies. 226 00:09:25,735 --> 00:09:27,435 I just want to give my kid sister 227 00:09:27,453 --> 00:09:29,404 the benefit of the doubt. 228 00:09:29,439 --> 00:09:31,773 That's what we could call our annual fundraiser for her... 229 00:09:31,791 --> 00:09:33,108 "The Benefit of the Doubt." 230 00:09:37,497 --> 00:09:39,498 I feel so lucky having Kyle. 231 00:09:39,549 --> 00:09:41,883 Oh, Kyle's the one who's lucky. 232 00:09:41,918 --> 00:09:45,420 In every young man's life, there is a Mandy Baxter. 233 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,255 It's usually Mandy Baxter. 234 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,961 You know what? I feel really lucky to have Brad. 235 00:09:52,979 --> 00:09:55,013 I'm just hoping that having this baby 236 00:09:55,064 --> 00:09:56,681 will get him to settle down. 237 00:09:56,732 --> 00:09:57,849 Yeah, yeah. 238 00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:59,618 If there's one siren call a man can't resist, 239 00:09:59,652 --> 00:10:01,403 it's a crying baby. 240 00:10:02,738 --> 00:10:04,305 You know, when I got pregnant, 241 00:10:04,323 --> 00:10:07,025 Ryan disappeared for three years. 242 00:10:07,076 --> 00:10:08,660 Well, Ryan was young. 243 00:10:08,694 --> 00:10:11,279 Brad's more stable. He's in a band. 244 00:10:11,313 --> 00:10:14,783 Oh, yeah. Rock on. 245 00:10:16,252 --> 00:10:18,870 Brad would be crazy to leave you. 246 00:10:18,921 --> 00:10:22,174 You are so beautiful, and you're so talented. 247 00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:24,159 Mandy, honey, can you give us a sec? 248 00:10:24,177 --> 00:10:25,160 Oh, yeah, sure. 249 00:10:25,178 --> 00:10:26,962 Oh, Mandy and I have no secrets. 250 00:10:26,996 --> 00:10:29,247 Ah, well, considering your year as a carny, 251 00:10:29,282 --> 00:10:30,298 that's disturbing. 252 00:10:31,601 --> 00:10:34,186 April, um... 253 00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:37,606 Look, Mike and I have always been willing to help you, 254 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,976 but this... this donor-egg project... 255 00:10:41,010 --> 00:10:43,829 We just don't feel comfortable underwriting it. 256 00:10:43,863 --> 00:10:45,514 I'm sorry, honey. 257 00:10:45,548 --> 00:10:47,699 If we don't help her, how is she gonna start a family, Mom? 258 00:10:47,733 --> 00:10:50,152 Yeah, I don't have anywhere else to turn. 259 00:10:50,186 --> 00:10:52,520 Yes, you do. 260 00:10:54,257 --> 00:10:57,726 I mean, I have eggs, right? 261 00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,060 I've got lots of them. 262 00:10:59,095 --> 00:11:01,496 Uh [Chuckles] slow down, Mandy. 263 00:11:01,531 --> 00:11:03,949 It's not loaning her a sweater. 264 00:11:07,086 --> 00:11:08,737 Are you sure? 265 00:11:08,771 --> 00:11:11,173 Um... Yes? 266 00:11:11,207 --> 00:11:13,258 (Both giggle) 267 00:11:13,309 --> 00:11:16,211 Now I know that my baby will be brilliant and beautiful, 268 00:11:16,229 --> 00:11:19,481 and your little, baby ears are gonna set off Brad's giant ones. 269 00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:22,350 Wait, wait, w-w-wait. Th-th-this is a big decision. 270 00:11:22,384 --> 00:11:23,602 If it's a boy, Trevor. 271 00:11:23,653 --> 00:11:24,552 Tyler. Terrence. 272 00:11:24,570 --> 00:11:25,487 Deal. (Gasps) Deal. 273 00:11:25,521 --> 00:11:27,055 I have always loved that name. 274 00:11:27,073 --> 00:11:29,274 I'm pretty sure it was on Beyonce's short list. 275 00:11:30,326 --> 00:11:32,410 I have to go call Kyle about this. 276 00:11:34,947 --> 00:11:36,698 You're not seriously considering 277 00:11:36,732 --> 00:11:38,366 taking Mandy up on this offer. 278 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,335 You saw how happy she was. 279 00:11:40,369 --> 00:11:42,621 I can't take that away from her. 280 00:11:42,655 --> 00:11:43,905 Yeah. 281 00:11:43,923 --> 00:11:45,573 You know, she's happy 282 00:11:45,591 --> 00:11:47,792 because, crazy as it seems, she looks up to you. 283 00:11:47,843 --> 00:11:50,411 Oh, and why is that crazy? 284 00:11:50,429 --> 00:11:52,764 (Sighs) Because, April [Sighs] 285 00:11:52,798 --> 00:11:55,567 I mean, you're immature and... and manipulative, 286 00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:58,470 and... Those are not good qualities for Mandy to admire, 287 00:11:58,521 --> 00:12:00,755 and they're not good qualities for a mom. 288 00:12:00,773 --> 00:12:02,023 Oh, right. 289 00:12:02,058 --> 00:12:03,808 I can't be a great mom 290 00:12:03,859 --> 00:12:06,111 'cause I'm not a boring grown-up with a house 291 00:12:06,145 --> 00:12:09,264 or a husband or a job. 292 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,068 Are... are you even hearing yourself? 293 00:12:13,102 --> 00:12:16,871 Vanessa, I don't want all of the things you have. 294 00:12:16,906 --> 00:12:19,207 I just want one of them. 295 00:12:19,242 --> 00:12:20,659 A child. 296 00:12:20,710 --> 00:12:23,111 Okay. You know, April, I held your hand 297 00:12:23,129 --> 00:12:25,213 when we walked to the school bus, 298 00:12:25,248 --> 00:12:27,332 and I will never stop holding it, 299 00:12:27,383 --> 00:12:28,917 but Mandy is my child. 300 00:12:28,951 --> 00:12:31,386 And I'm... I'm not gonna let you exploit her. 301 00:12:32,788 --> 00:12:33,755 Wow. 302 00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:37,425 Well, at least Mandy has faith 303 00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:40,595 that I am responsible enough to handle this. 304 00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:41,980 Now, if you'll excuse me, 305 00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:44,649 I need to get back to Boulder before nightfall, 306 00:12:44,684 --> 00:12:46,968 because I am driving on the little tire. 307 00:12:59,453 --> 00:13:01,020 (Gun cocks) 308 00:13:01,038 --> 00:13:03,205 Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. 309 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,908 All this month, it's spring turkey season 310 00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:07,626 here in colorful Colorado. 311 00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:09,045 Gobble! Gobble! 312 00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:11,213 Sitting out here in this pop-up blind 313 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:14,467 gives a hunter plenty of time to think about the big issues. 314 00:13:14,501 --> 00:13:16,052 Like background checks. 315 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,553 Oh, easy, Mike. 316 00:13:17,587 --> 00:13:20,205 Everybody's protected by the second amendment. 317 00:13:20,223 --> 00:13:22,808 No, no, no. I meant background checks before having a kid. 318 00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,477 Now, you don't want the government 319 00:13:24,511 --> 00:13:26,879 sticking its big, fat nose into something like that, 320 00:13:26,897 --> 00:13:29,065 but somebody should do something 321 00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,183 about stupid people having kids. 322 00:13:31,217 --> 00:13:34,303 Hillary Clinton... gosh, my favorite woman on the planet... 323 00:13:34,338 --> 00:13:37,807 likes to say, "It takes a village to raise a child." 324 00:13:37,841 --> 00:13:39,191 You know, it really shouldn't. 325 00:13:39,225 --> 00:13:42,912 Satisfying her husband, that apparently takes a village. 326 00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:45,614 And not a particularly attractive one. 327 00:13:45,665 --> 00:13:47,867 So, before you decide to have a kid, 328 00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:49,502 give yourself a little background check. 329 00:13:49,536 --> 00:13:52,238 Ask yourself, "Am I shiftless? 330 00:13:52,272 --> 00:13:55,741 Am I a skanky dingbat who can't hold down a job?" 331 00:13:55,776 --> 00:13:57,076 If your answer's yes, 332 00:13:57,110 --> 00:13:59,595 do yourself, the kid, and society a favor 333 00:13:59,629 --> 00:14:01,380 and go hunting instead. 334 00:14:01,414 --> 00:14:04,350 Rather than adding another turkey to this world, 335 00:14:04,384 --> 00:14:05,417 try taking one out. 336 00:14:05,435 --> 00:14:06,418 (Turkey gobbles) 337 00:14:08,271 --> 00:14:10,756 (Gunshot) 338 00:14:10,774 --> 00:14:12,274 Bye-bye, birdie. 339 00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:16,095 Great. Now I'm craving turkey and Ann-Margret. 340 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:23,235 Hey. (Sighs) 341 00:14:23,270 --> 00:14:24,320 Hey. 342 00:14:24,371 --> 00:14:25,955 Where's your sister? 343 00:14:25,989 --> 00:14:27,406 She went back to Boulder. 344 00:14:27,441 --> 00:14:28,707 All right, I win! 345 00:14:30,777 --> 00:14:32,578 No offense, but it's worth having her here 346 00:14:32,612 --> 00:14:34,046 because you get the sweet relief 347 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:36,132 when she finally gets out of here. 348 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,518 Everything tastes better. 349 00:14:39,553 --> 00:14:42,721 Mandy offered to give April one of her eggs. 350 00:14:43,723 --> 00:14:44,924 Ahh. 351 00:14:47,394 --> 00:14:49,512 How's that beer tasting now? 352 00:14:49,563 --> 00:14:52,098 Like the first of many. 353 00:14:53,733 --> 00:14:55,351 Did you talk to her? 354 00:14:55,402 --> 00:14:57,136 Well, I was waiting for you to come home 355 00:14:57,154 --> 00:14:58,804 so we can come up with a... Mandy! 356 00:14:58,822 --> 00:15:01,440 ...unified strategy. 357 00:15:01,474 --> 00:15:02,691 What? 358 00:15:02,742 --> 00:15:03,742 This is nuts. 359 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,111 Unless you're a socialist farmer, 360 00:15:05,145 --> 00:15:07,196 you don't give away your eggs. 361 00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:09,648 Honey, you offering to give April 362 00:15:09,666 --> 00:15:11,367 a chance at motherhood was very generous, 363 00:15:11,418 --> 00:15:13,035 but... no, you know what's generous 364 00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:14,486 is giving back the Panama canal. Okay. 365 00:15:14,504 --> 00:15:16,872 This... this is just stupid. 366 00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:19,992 This is like something Jimmy Carter would do. 367 00:15:20,010 --> 00:15:21,877 Great. Yes. Here we go again. 368 00:15:21,928 --> 00:15:25,097 "Mandy is so stupid. She's just like Jimmy Carter." 369 00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:28,100 Don't I get any credit for the grades 370 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:29,718 I've been getting in school? 371 00:15:29,769 --> 00:15:31,971 Or starting a profitable business? 372 00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:34,523 Or moving the mailbox to the other side of the driveway 373 00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:37,143 so I wouldn't keep backing over it? 374 00:15:37,177 --> 00:15:38,844 Honey, you have grown a lot this year, 375 00:15:38,862 --> 00:15:40,312 and you deserve a lot of credit, 376 00:15:40,346 --> 00:15:41,864 but not enough to let you do this. 377 00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:43,649 No way. Well, I'm sorry, all right? 378 00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:45,851 What do you mean you're s... you guys can't stop me. 379 00:15:45,869 --> 00:15:48,454 It's my body, my choice, okay? 380 00:15:49,656 --> 00:15:53,358 College has been good to you. 381 00:15:53,376 --> 00:15:54,877 She can read a bumper sticker. 382 00:15:54,911 --> 00:15:56,545 Oh, stop. 383 00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:03,368 So, you had the same exact argument with your mom 384 00:16:03,386 --> 00:16:04,386 that I did. 385 00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,371 I got the mom-dad tag team. 386 00:16:06,389 --> 00:16:07,372 They were like, "blah, blah, blah." 387 00:16:07,390 --> 00:16:08,924 And I was like "blah." 388 00:16:08,975 --> 00:16:10,426 I made you a sandwich 389 00:16:10,477 --> 00:16:12,511 'cause I know your egg is eating for two now. 390 00:16:14,064 --> 00:16:15,030 It's egg salad. 391 00:16:15,065 --> 00:16:16,548 I hope that's not insensitive. 392 00:16:16,566 --> 00:16:17,983 No, it's okay. 393 00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:19,384 Um, hey, April, 394 00:16:19,402 --> 00:16:21,237 I've been doing a lot of research. 395 00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,572 This whole process is, like, pretty involved. 396 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,859 Oh, I'm stressed out even thinking about it. Yeah. 397 00:16:26,893 --> 00:16:29,278 If I started the fertility shots in May, 398 00:16:29,329 --> 00:16:31,363 then they could do the extraction 399 00:16:31,397 --> 00:16:33,499 and then Brad could add his, um... 400 00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:35,400 Uh... pbht!... ingredient, 401 00:16:35,418 --> 00:16:38,170 and then we're, like, 402 00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:40,122 pretty much good to go end of June. 403 00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:41,740 Aah! Nope. 404 00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:45,127 End of June doesn't work for me. 405 00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:46,929 No, I can't be pregnant 406 00:16:46,963 --> 00:16:49,682 if Arcade Fire comes to Red Rocks. 407 00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:53,035 If win Butler calls me up on stage, 408 00:16:53,069 --> 00:16:54,353 I don't want to be puffy. 409 00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:57,156 Oh, yeah, sure. 410 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,624 Well, when would work for you? 411 00:16:58,658 --> 00:17:00,759 Uh... Maybe August? 412 00:17:00,777 --> 00:17:02,945 Oh, you know, we're thinking about going to Greece. 413 00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:05,264 Oh, you're going to Greece? 414 00:17:05,298 --> 00:17:08,934 "Grease." I love that musical. 415 00:17:08,952 --> 00:17:10,602 I played Kenickie in high school. 416 00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:12,671 I was not good. 417 00:17:12,706 --> 00:17:14,773 But if you're having a kid, don't you think, 418 00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:16,759 you know, you should kind of be saving...? 419 00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:19,161 Ohh, you're right. You're right. 420 00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:22,965 I mean, this whole thing is just becoming a whole thing. 421 00:17:22,999 --> 00:17:24,250 Um... 422 00:17:24,284 --> 00:17:26,001 You know, how about we do September? 423 00:17:26,052 --> 00:17:28,087 Nah, you're gonna be back in school by then. 424 00:17:28,121 --> 00:17:30,506 Right. And plus, I'll be starting my new fall line. 425 00:17:30,557 --> 00:17:33,642 Aww, listen to you. So industrious. 426 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:36,178 Must make rompers. Must make rompers. 427 00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:38,931 You know what? We'll figure it out. 428 00:17:38,965 --> 00:17:40,065 We have time. 429 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,401 It's not like my ovaries can get any deader. 430 00:17:43,436 --> 00:17:44,920 Okay, well, we'll talk soon. 431 00:17:44,955 --> 00:17:46,638 Aww, ciao for now. 432 00:17:48,124 --> 00:17:49,474 (Sighs) 433 00:17:49,492 --> 00:17:51,010 Why are you staring like that? 434 00:17:51,044 --> 00:17:52,394 You look like the audience 435 00:17:52,429 --> 00:17:54,129 through my performance in "Grease." 436 00:17:59,035 --> 00:18:01,170 Um... 437 00:18:01,204 --> 00:18:02,554 Kyle, I'm just wondering, 438 00:18:02,589 --> 00:18:05,874 do you think this whole thing with April is a mistake? 439 00:18:08,678 --> 00:18:11,880 Mandy, I just want you to know that I support you 100%. 440 00:18:11,931 --> 00:18:14,016 And yes, it's a horrible mistake. 441 00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:16,969 Really? 442 00:18:17,003 --> 00:18:19,188 Yeah. Children are precious. 443 00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:20,873 If somebody wants to have a baby, 444 00:18:20,907 --> 00:18:23,008 they should be serious and willing to put up 445 00:18:23,026 --> 00:18:25,377 with a little inconvenience. 446 00:18:25,412 --> 00:18:28,013 That's what I'd want for any kid that's part yours. 447 00:18:28,031 --> 00:18:29,882 You know, if I was gonna have a baby, 448 00:18:29,916 --> 00:18:31,850 I'd want it to be with someone like you. 449 00:18:31,885 --> 00:18:33,018 Deal. 450 00:18:33,053 --> 00:18:34,653 (Gasps) Oh, my God. 451 00:18:34,687 --> 00:18:37,373 I've always loved that name, too. 452 00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,919 (Alarm blares) Ah! What do I press? 453 00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:49,804 It's your father's birthday. 454 00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:52,307 Shoot, I didn't get him anything! 455 00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:54,542 We changed the code to your father's birthday. 456 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,012 Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's my birthday. 457 00:18:57,046 --> 00:18:58,713 I know, I forgot. I'm sorry. 458 00:18:58,731 --> 00:19:00,482 Honey, uh, the security's ...whoa. Whoa. Whoa. 459 00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:01,883 The light keeps blinking. I got it. I got it. 460 00:19:01,901 --> 00:19:02,884 I don't know. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. 461 00:19:02,919 --> 00:19:04,152 It's because... 462 00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:06,271 One of the window sensors is out. 463 00:19:06,322 --> 00:19:07,656 I got to go look at that. 464 00:19:07,690 --> 00:19:08,657 Hey. Hi. 465 00:19:08,691 --> 00:19:09,724 Everything okay? 466 00:19:09,742 --> 00:19:10,725 Yes. 467 00:19:10,743 --> 00:19:12,226 Um... 468 00:19:12,245 --> 00:19:14,863 I told Aunt April that I couldn't give her an egg. Ah. 469 00:19:14,897 --> 00:19:15,947 My choice. 470 00:19:15,998 --> 00:19:18,550 Okay. Good. I think it's the right choice. 471 00:19:18,584 --> 00:19:20,235 Right. I'm proud of you. Yeah. 472 00:19:20,269 --> 00:19:21,786 You're no Jimmy Carter. 473 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,006 I'm gonna go to bed. 474 00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:26,625 Got some rompers to sew tomorrow. 475 00:19:26,659 --> 00:19:27,626 Mwah! Oh, good. 476 00:19:27,677 --> 00:19:30,745 Night, Dad. Happy Birthday. 477 00:19:30,763 --> 00:19:32,380 I'm proud of you. 478 00:19:32,414 --> 00:19:34,082 Have a good night. 479 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:37,085 She has turned into a really ambitious young woman. 480 00:19:37,103 --> 00:19:38,887 Somebody did a good job parenting. 481 00:19:38,921 --> 00:19:40,188 You're welcome. 482 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,473 Listen... 483 00:19:41,524 --> 00:19:43,257 I got to fix this window 484 00:19:43,276 --> 00:19:45,193 and then I'll be up for my birthday present. 485 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,662 So, uh, brace yourself. 486 00:19:56,572 --> 00:19:58,773 Okay, hold it right there. 487 00:19:58,791 --> 00:20:00,041 Keep your hands where I can see them. 488 00:20:00,076 --> 00:20:01,610 Hey. It's just a false alarm. 489 00:20:01,644 --> 00:20:04,496 One of my screen sensors looks like it came loose. 490 00:20:04,547 --> 00:20:06,781 I'm gonna need to see some I.D. 491 00:20:06,799 --> 00:20:08,500 I don't have any I.D. I live here. 492 00:20:09,635 --> 00:20:11,285 This house. Look at my desk. 493 00:20:11,304 --> 00:20:12,804 You'll see a picture of me sitting right on that desk. 494 00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:13,838 Look at that. 495 00:20:13,889 --> 00:20:16,257 So you've been looking in the windows? 496 00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:17,926 What's going on, Hal? 497 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,178 Responding to an alarm, Mr. Larabee. Uh-huh. 498 00:20:20,229 --> 00:20:22,981 Found this one by the front window. 499 00:20:24,133 --> 00:20:27,485 Yeah, he does fit the profile of a Peeping Tom... 500 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:32,557 middle-aged, sweatpants, peeping. 501 00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:33,975 He says he's the resident. 502 00:20:33,993 --> 00:20:37,746 Mm. Straight out of the Peeping-Tom handbook. 503 00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:40,148 This is real funny, Larabee. (Chuckles) 504 00:20:40,166 --> 00:20:42,033 You know, I could put this on Yelp. 505 00:20:42,084 --> 00:20:44,619 (Chuckles) I'll vouch for him, Hal. Go ahead, guys. 506 00:20:44,653 --> 00:20:46,988 Okay. Take it easy, boss. See? 507 00:20:47,006 --> 00:20:48,590 Hey, doesn't feel so good, does it? 508 00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:50,375 You know... when people jump to conclusions about you? 509 00:20:50,426 --> 00:20:51,760 You know what does feel good 510 00:20:51,794 --> 00:20:54,596 is hiring an incompetent security company. 511 00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:56,598 You know, that window sensor's loose or something. 512 00:20:56,632 --> 00:20:58,099 Keeps showing up on this alarm pad. 513 00:20:58,134 --> 00:21:00,001 Oh, you probably changed the pass code 514 00:21:00,019 --> 00:21:01,519 without resetting the system. 515 00:21:01,554 --> 00:21:03,038 Did you switch out Obama? 516 00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:06,007 It was a change I could believe in. 517 00:21:06,025 --> 00:21:07,842 Yeah. (Chuckles) 518 00:21:07,877 --> 00:21:09,978 Oh, yeah, it's been a tough five years. 519 00:21:10,012 --> 00:21:13,181 Bin Laden's dead and the stock market's doubled. 520 00:21:13,199 --> 00:21:15,016 Hang in there. 521 00:21:15,051 --> 00:21:17,619 Yeah. No doubt, things have gotten better. Mm. 522 00:21:17,653 --> 00:21:20,789 Bush's policies have finally kicked in. 523 00:21:20,823 --> 00:21:22,407 (Laughs) 524 00:21:22,441 --> 00:21:24,459 Good night, Baxter. 525 00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:27,012 Night, Larabee. 37714

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