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♪ ("When Johnny Comes Marching
Home") ♪
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It's Support the Troops Week
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here in Wilmington, Ohio.
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Plus it's Homecoming weekend
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for Wilmington's
Fighting Quakers.
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And don't forget the
big county Corn Festival
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is just around the corner.
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If this is any indication
of how Mr. Trump's gonna do,
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it's gonna be a
landslide for Trump.
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Also a reminder about
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that big Wilmington gun festival
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which is going to be held
at the Roberts Center
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at the end of the month.
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You wanna see my 357?
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A lot of people say
that Trump is a clown.
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He won't be when he's president.
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Around here, I ain't
heard nobody for Clinton.
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And speaking of guns,
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and the people who want
to take them away from us,
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controversial
filmmaker Michael Moore
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will perform a one man show
tonight at the Murphy Theater.
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Trump lost $914
million dollars,
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but he got out of a lot
of taxes for that, too,
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so probably just a good idea.
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You know, he didn't
get it handed down to him
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like Hillary did
from her parents.
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Ohio Republicans have tried to block
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Moore from performing
in the state,
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with one local leader
threatening to cut public funds
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for the theater if
the show goes on.
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I think it's gonna be close,
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and I think that Hillary's
going to have dead people vote.
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There's no word from
the theater's benefactor
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Conservative icon Glenn Beck
where he stands on the issue.
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Michael Moore needs
to go a little right.
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He needs to go a little right.
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He needs to go to the right.
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We put the word out,
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we wanted all types of
people to come here tonight.
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Do we have anybody here
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who's thinking about
voting for Donald Trump?
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Good, thank you, welcome.
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And how many people here
are voting for Hillary?
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Wow, so we've got a
good mix here tonight.
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Trump voters, we've
got Hillary voters,
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we've got people who aren't
sure who they're gonna vote for,
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we've got people who
aren't gonna vote at all.
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How about third party people.
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Anybody voting for a
third party candidate?
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Can I ask you where Aleppo is?
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Just kidding, just kidding.
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The only thing you need
to know about Wilmington,
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it's the birthplace
of the banana split.
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How about that, huh?
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Hold the nuts!
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Well, Wilmington, Ohio here
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is the county seat of
Clinton County, Ohio.
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The irony was not lost on me,
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probably from the first
minute I entered this town.
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It may be called Clinton County,
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but it's not Clinton country.
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Alright?
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I mean seriously.
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Trump got four times
as many votes here
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than Hillary did in the primary.
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Right?
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I mean I think in
part it's because
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the people who are
more conservative,
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Republicans, Trump
voters, whatever,
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It's something I actually
admire about conservatives.
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You have the courage
of your convictions.
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You are relentless.
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You're like, "This
is the way I believe!
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"Damnnit, that's it!"
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and we're like, "Well,
I, I don't know,
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"I could think about it
a little bit and maybe."
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You know, these Trump
voters, my friends,
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are gonna be up at five in
the morning on Election Day.
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They're up at five
in the morning a lot.
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The only time we see
five in the morning
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is when we've been up
partying all night.
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That's five in the
morning, yeah right.
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Come on, everybody
in here has got
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a conservative in
the family, right?
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Many of you brought that
person with you tonight.
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A brother, a father, an uncle,
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a brother-in-law, a sister,
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not a sister, I know, I
just threw that in there.
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And they are the organized
one in the family.
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They never lose their car keys.
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The conservatives, they've
got little hooks in the,
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by the back door, with
a label on each hook.
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That's my Beamer key,
that's my F-150 key,
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that's the key for the car
Mathew McConaughey drives.
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Our side, we're like,
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this is how we, this
is how we sound.
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This is how we sound,
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"So, uh, where do you
want to go eat tonight?"
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"I don't care, where
do you want to go?"
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"I don't know, wherever
you want to go."
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"No, no, no you
picked last time."
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"No, seriously
wherever you want."
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This is right?
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Like the conservative,
they're like,
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"Get in the car, we're
going to Outback!
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"Get in there!"
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Decisive, organized, discipline!
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You've got to admire
that about them.
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No but, all kidding aside, as
it says out on the marquee,
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Trump voters welcome
here tonight.
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And I really wanted to invite
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people who are thinking of
voting for Donald Trump,
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might be leaning toward Trump.
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So, I just wanna, as
a gesture of good will
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to those of you who are thinking
of voting for Donald Trump,
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tonight I've done something
to make you comfortable
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in here amongst these
liberals, and Bernie voters,
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and third-party people, and
undecideds and whatever,
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and on the way in,
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you might have noticed
the ushers asked Mexicans,
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and Mexican-Americans
who were coming in
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if they would sit in a
special Mexican section.
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We've segregated
them out for you.
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Where, oh there
you are over there.
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We gave them their
own little, what?
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She said she's from Guatemala.
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Close enough.
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It's, it's just so the Trump
people wouldn't be nervous
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we made it Mexican
or Mexican-looking.
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All right?
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And during the show tonight
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our production assistants
will be building
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a symbolic wall around
them in the balcony.
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Don't worry you will
be able to get out.
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You will have to pay to get out
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of the wall at the
end of the show.
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And as an added gesture
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we have placed any person that
was Muslim or Muslim looking
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in their own section
here in the back.
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Are the Muslims up there?
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Here we go Muslims!
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There they are.
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Muslims, Muslim-Americans.
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Right, let's hear it for them.
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They're Americans.
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But just so, just so
that the Trump people
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aren't too nervous
about you being in here,
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we are going to fly
a drone above them
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right within the theater here.
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They're no weapons on the
drone, we're nonviolent,
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just cameras, so
we'll be able to know,
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you know, to just
check in on you
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to see how you're doing when,
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what you're up to.
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Now I see the shoulders of
the Trump guy back there,
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he's already relaxed.
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So, see?
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We've got it covered for you.
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That's what I was willing to do
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so that you would
come here tonight.
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I'll tell you one thing
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if this eases your mind at all,
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I have never voted
for Hillary Clinton.
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I voted for Obama in
the primary in 2008,
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and I voted for Bernie
in the primary this year.
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I actually never voted for Bill.
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Back then I think I
voted for Nader in '96
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and '92 was probably
a third party thing
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because Clinton was just too,
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he was a very
conservative Democrat.
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So I've never really
voted for Hillary.
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I am not a Hillary voter.
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Thank you, thank you,
you can applaud that.
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You know we're all
Americans, right?
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Let's just start there.
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Regardless who we're
voting for, right?
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We're all in the same boat,
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and we're gonna sink
or swim together.
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And I'd rather we swim.
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Because I believe we have more
things in common than not.
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We, we believe in
the same things.
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First of all we want the best
schools for our kids, right?
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Trump voters?
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Right?
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Right?
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You want the best schools
for your kids, that's not,
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I know, I know there's a rule,
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don't agree with Michael
Moore on anything,
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but I'm, I'm trying to come
out and meet you halfway.
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And the things we
don't agree on,
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alright, you love your guns.
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I don't want a gun,
I don't get a gun.
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I won't get one.
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You don't believe in abortion.
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Okay, sir?
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Do not have an abortion.
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Don't, if you are against
it, don't get one.
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Who doesn't like the
Supreme Court's decision
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on gay marriage in here?
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You don't support it.
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Right? Right.
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Anybody else back there?
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Sir?
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Okay, sir?
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Then don't get gay married.
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Right?
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00:09:01,121 --> 00:09:02,353
It's like, if,
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00:09:04,457 --> 00:09:07,125
if two gay people
want to get married,
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00:09:07,127 --> 00:09:09,444
let them be married.
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You don't want to be gay,
trust me, you wont like it.
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Alright?
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It won't, it won't feel
good, it won't look good.
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I'm convinced that will
end up in gay divorce,
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which isn't even legal yet!
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They only legalized
gay marriage.
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00:09:27,547 --> 00:09:29,781
They forgot to
legalize gay divorce!
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00:09:29,783 --> 00:09:31,649
I don't even know
what that looks like!
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00:09:35,622 --> 00:09:38,690
So I met one of the
five Democrats in town.
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00:09:40,093 --> 00:09:41,559
And he comes up to me yesterday
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00:09:41,561 --> 00:09:44,229
and he goes, "Mike, Mike,
we got to do something
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00:09:44,231 --> 00:09:45,964
"about the millennials.
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00:09:45,966 --> 00:09:47,832
"They're, they're not gonna
vote, they're not voting.
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00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:50,902
"What are we gonna do
about the millennials?"
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00:09:50,904 --> 00:09:53,204
And I said, "Well, nothing.
225
00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:57,141
"We already did something,
we raised them."
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00:09:57,143 --> 00:09:58,476
That was a lot.
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00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,280
We raised this generation,
my generation did, right?
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00:10:02,282 --> 00:10:05,850
We raised you, those of you
who are millennials in here.
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00:10:05,852 --> 00:10:08,486
And you turned out,
I think, pretty good.
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00:10:08,488 --> 00:10:10,421
I think your generation is, yes.
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00:10:15,996 --> 00:10:17,762
You're smart.
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00:10:17,764 --> 00:10:19,697
You come over and change
the ink cartridges
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00:10:19,699 --> 00:10:21,165
for us in our printers.
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00:10:24,170 --> 00:10:28,072
When we can't get our device
to work, we call you up
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00:10:28,074 --> 00:10:30,508
and you explain to us
how to turn it off,
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00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:32,310
then turn it back on,
237
00:10:33,246 --> 00:10:36,648
and it magically works
again every time.
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00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:39,684
And you're not haters.
239
00:10:39,686 --> 00:10:41,552
This is a generation
of non-haters.
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00:10:41,554 --> 00:10:43,221
Have you noticed that?
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00:10:43,223 --> 00:10:48,192
I mean really the majority,
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00:10:48,194 --> 00:10:51,095
the majority of
18 to 35 year olds
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00:10:52,632 --> 00:10:56,167
are, you know, they
don't hate people
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00:10:56,169 --> 00:10:58,303
because of their skin color,
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00:10:58,305 --> 00:10:59,570
or because they're in love
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00:10:59,572 --> 00:11:01,739
with someone of
their same gender.
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00:11:01,741 --> 00:11:03,608
I don't see it and it
makes me feel really good
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00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:06,044
that we did something right.
249
00:11:06,046 --> 00:11:09,080
So I said to this guy, I
said, "Really, I don't,
250
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:13,384
"I don't think it's on us
to do something about them.
251
00:11:13,386 --> 00:11:16,321
"Because they didn't
create climate change,
252
00:11:16,323 --> 00:11:18,856
"they didn't send
the troops to Iraq.
253
00:11:18,858 --> 00:11:20,558
"You know, millennials
didn't cause
254
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:22,393
"the Wall Street collapse.
255
00:11:22,395 --> 00:11:25,163
"Why is it on them to fix our
256
00:11:25,165 --> 00:11:28,733
"shitty situation that
we've handed them?"
257
00:11:29,936 --> 00:11:31,035
I mean seriously.
258
00:11:31,037 --> 00:11:31,936
I mean.
259
00:11:34,107 --> 00:11:38,276
I mean, there's something
about when you're that age
260
00:11:38,278 --> 00:11:41,179
and you're rebellious, and
I want you to be that way.
261
00:11:41,181 --> 00:11:43,281
I don't want you compromising.
262
00:11:43,283 --> 00:11:47,685
You got plenty of time in
the real world to compromise.
263
00:11:47,687 --> 00:11:48,786
The rest of your life
264
00:11:48,788 --> 00:11:51,322
you'll have plenty
of time to compromise
265
00:11:51,324 --> 00:11:55,393
and be in some shitty
job that you can't stand,
266
00:11:55,395 --> 00:11:58,963
you know, to be in
some loveless marriage,
267
00:11:59,966 --> 00:12:01,866
why be that way at 19?
268
00:12:03,636 --> 00:12:06,170
Just don't compromise,
269
00:12:06,172 --> 00:12:08,506
but also understand too,
270
00:12:08,508 --> 00:12:09,841
that sometimes,
271
00:12:10,844 --> 00:12:14,245
sometimes we have to take
some medicine to get better.
272
00:12:14,247 --> 00:12:16,814
And taking medicine isn't
really a compromise,
273
00:12:16,816 --> 00:12:18,916
it's a smart thing to do.
274
00:12:18,918 --> 00:12:21,152
So you'll know what to do.
275
00:12:22,322 --> 00:12:24,956
It's not the kids
I'm worried about.
276
00:12:24,958 --> 00:12:26,724
The kids are alright.
277
00:12:26,726 --> 00:12:28,860
It's the angry white guy.
278
00:12:29,696 --> 00:12:31,796
His days are numbered.
279
00:12:31,798 --> 00:12:33,698
Total number of white guys
280
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:37,935
over the age of 35 now in
the United States, 19%.
281
00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:41,839
That's all we are guys.
282
00:12:43,510 --> 00:12:44,976
Hey!
283
00:12:44,978 --> 00:12:45,877
Hey!
284
00:12:46,713 --> 00:12:48,946
What, they're
cheering our demise,
285
00:12:51,117 --> 00:12:53,151
our extinction!
286
00:12:53,153 --> 00:12:55,686
That's what's going on
here, you know that right?
287
00:12:55,688 --> 00:12:57,588
We know it, we guys know it.
288
00:12:57,590 --> 00:12:59,190
We know it's over for us.
289
00:12:59,192 --> 00:13:02,026
We had a good run, 10,000
years wasn't bad, right guys?
290
00:13:02,028 --> 00:13:03,394
Right?
291
00:13:06,866 --> 00:13:09,100
And now here we are
in the 21st century.
292
00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:10,435
For the first time ever,
293
00:13:10,437 --> 00:13:13,237
there are now more single
women than married women,
294
00:13:13,239 --> 00:13:14,906
you aware of this?
295
00:13:16,776 --> 00:13:18,976
Yes, see that guys?
296
00:13:18,978 --> 00:13:22,413
Yeah, because they
don't need us.
297
00:13:22,415 --> 00:13:23,981
They can be single now.
298
00:13:23,983 --> 00:13:25,349
100 years ago, they
couldn't be single.
299
00:13:25,351 --> 00:13:28,152
We had laws that wouldn't
allow them to own property,
300
00:13:28,154 --> 00:13:31,622
or have a bank account,
or get divorced, right?
301
00:13:31,624 --> 00:13:32,824
They couldn't sue in court.
302
00:13:32,826 --> 00:13:34,192
There are all these laws.
303
00:13:34,194 --> 00:13:36,394
Check this out, if
you don't know this.
304
00:13:36,396 --> 00:13:40,398
There were a long list of
laws that prohibited women
305
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,266
from doing the basic things
306
00:13:42,268 --> 00:13:44,569
that somebody should
be able to do.
307
00:13:44,571 --> 00:13:46,170
But now they don't need us.
308
00:13:46,172 --> 00:13:48,573
We used to be useful
for something, right?
309
00:13:48,575 --> 00:13:51,175
Well we're needed to
keep the species going.
310
00:13:51,177 --> 00:13:53,211
That was our most important job.
311
00:13:53,213 --> 00:13:54,579
What else were we good for?
312
00:13:54,581 --> 00:13:57,281
Getting something
off the top shelf.
313
00:13:57,283 --> 00:14:01,419
Except now, they've invented
in vitro fertilization,
314
00:14:01,421 --> 00:14:03,588
and the portable
aluminum stepladder.
315
00:14:05,925 --> 00:14:07,158
You don't need us!
316
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:10,394
You don't need us
for orgasms anymore.
317
00:14:10,396 --> 00:14:12,597
Guys, you know they don't
need us for that, right?
318
00:14:14,968 --> 00:14:16,767
Somebody put out a
book like 30 years ago,
319
00:14:16,769 --> 00:14:19,504
"Our Bodies, Ourselves",
taught women things
320
00:14:19,506 --> 00:14:24,108
that God knows they
shouldn't have been taught.
321
00:14:24,110 --> 00:14:27,411
If Hillary wins, if
the women take over,
322
00:14:27,413 --> 00:14:29,914
and because they don't need us,
323
00:14:29,916 --> 00:14:31,849
so you know what this
is gonna lead to?
324
00:14:31,851 --> 00:14:33,985
There are gonna be
internment camps for men.
325
00:14:37,157 --> 00:14:39,090
And Hillary will have
all her you know,
326
00:14:39,092 --> 00:14:42,827
Wellesley students there,
with her clipboards,
327
00:14:42,829 --> 00:14:46,063
checking us in to
the internment camp.
328
00:14:46,065 --> 00:14:48,599
They've got to pick out a few
to keep the species going.
329
00:14:48,601 --> 00:14:49,700
Who are they going to pick?
330
00:14:49,702 --> 00:14:52,270
The smart ones, and
the good-looking ones.
331
00:14:52,272 --> 00:14:53,872
So all right,
332
00:14:53,873 --> 00:14:55,473
already I'm looking at the
faces of the guys here.
333
00:14:55,475 --> 00:14:57,909
They already know
they're in the camp.
334
00:14:57,911 --> 00:14:59,911
We're all in line, we're
gonna be in line there,
335
00:14:59,913 --> 00:15:03,314
"You in there in the camp,
yes you, keep going, you, you.
336
00:15:03,316 --> 00:15:04,215
"Oh, you.
337
00:15:05,652 --> 00:15:06,884
"over here."
338
00:15:09,889 --> 00:15:11,389
The guys will go, "Oh
just 'cause he's got
339
00:15:11,391 --> 00:15:13,991
"a good six pack for the abs?
340
00:15:13,993 --> 00:15:16,227
"I was gonna start going
to the gym last month."
341
00:15:16,229 --> 00:15:17,862
"Well, you should've
fucking gone,
342
00:15:17,864 --> 00:15:20,031
"because now you're
going to the camp.
343
00:15:20,033 --> 00:15:22,066
"Don't worry, there's
gonna be lots of gyms
344
00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:23,701
"in the guy camps."
345
00:15:25,538 --> 00:15:28,039
And that's why they're so upset.
346
00:15:28,041 --> 00:15:29,507
You've seen them at
the rallies, right?
347
00:15:29,509 --> 00:15:32,243
These guys at the Trump
rallies, they're like,
348
00:15:40,086 --> 00:15:43,221
It's the sound of
the dying dinosaur.
349
00:15:51,798 --> 00:15:53,364
The signs are
everywhere to them,
350
00:15:53,366 --> 00:15:56,200
the women are taking over.
351
00:15:56,202 --> 00:15:59,170
There's now more women that
go to college than men?
352
00:15:59,172 --> 00:16:01,939
There's more women in
law school than men.
353
00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:05,843
Whoa, no!
354
00:16:07,914 --> 00:16:10,881
I predict anthropologists,
they will note the moment
355
00:16:10,883 --> 00:16:12,717
it happened, when it was clear,
356
00:16:12,719 --> 00:16:14,285
the men were on their way out
357
00:16:14,287 --> 00:16:15,920
and the women were
on their way in
358
00:16:15,922 --> 00:16:18,389
and it was the Superbowl
this past year.
359
00:16:18,391 --> 00:16:19,890
You know, it's
the halftime show,
360
00:16:19,892 --> 00:16:21,926
Coldplay is playing one
of their nice songs,
361
00:16:21,928 --> 00:16:26,430
♪ Ooh, I love you,
I love, ooh, ooh ♪
362
00:16:26,432 --> 00:16:27,999
And then Bruno Mars came on,
363
00:16:28,001 --> 00:16:30,134
and then that sort of
confused a lot of guys
364
00:16:30,136 --> 00:16:31,469
watching the halftime show.
365
00:16:31,471 --> 00:16:33,204
"Ooh, what is this?"
366
00:16:35,608 --> 00:16:36,507
And then all of a sudden,
367
00:16:36,509 --> 00:16:37,975
right in the middle
of Bruno's song,
368
00:16:37,977 --> 00:16:42,380
out comes Beyonce and 500
women in these uniforms,
369
00:16:42,382 --> 00:16:44,915
with their fists
clenched enraged,
370
00:16:44,917 --> 00:16:49,153
and their shit-kicking
boots on, taking the field.
371
00:16:50,123 --> 00:16:52,223
No, it was like, oh my,
372
00:16:52,225 --> 00:16:55,493
wait that's our game,
what's she doing here?
373
00:16:59,966 --> 00:17:02,800
That's where we're ending
up, and guys know it.
374
00:17:02,802 --> 00:17:05,336
And that's why they're
at the Trump rallies.
375
00:17:05,338 --> 00:17:06,671
That's why you hear that sound,
376
00:17:12,812 --> 00:17:15,880
"Donald, save us!"
377
00:17:16,716 --> 00:17:19,250
"The women are coming!"
378
00:17:19,252 --> 00:17:20,084
"The women are,"
379
00:17:20,086 --> 00:17:22,320
"Hillary is Genghis Khan!"
380
00:17:24,424 --> 00:17:25,823
"It's all over."
381
00:17:27,894 --> 00:17:30,294
It doesn't feel good.
382
00:17:30,296 --> 00:17:33,097
Eight years of a
black president.
383
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:37,068
Okay, we got through that.
384
00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:40,805
Now it's gonna be eight
years of a woman president?
385
00:17:40,807 --> 00:17:44,809
No, no, no!
386
00:17:45,345 --> 00:17:49,013
No, because, no, because you
know what happens after that?
387
00:17:49,015 --> 00:17:51,982
It's gonna be eight
years of the gays!
388
00:17:51,984 --> 00:17:54,118
We'll have a gay president!
389
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,019
No!
390
00:17:57,857 --> 00:18:02,693
And you know what comes
after that, the transgenders.
391
00:18:02,695 --> 00:18:05,429
Eight years of a transgender
in the White House,
392
00:18:05,431 --> 00:18:08,132
you're not gonna know
which bathroom to use!
393
00:18:10,436 --> 00:18:11,736
What's left after that?
394
00:18:11,738 --> 00:18:16,374
After they've taken everything
from us white straight guys?
395
00:18:16,376 --> 00:18:19,076
Oh, the animal rights people.
396
00:18:19,078 --> 00:18:21,812
PETA will take over
the White House.
397
00:18:21,814 --> 00:18:25,049
A fucking hamster is gonna
be running this country.
398
00:18:25,051 --> 00:18:28,552
A little hamster in the
Oval Office on a wheel.
399
00:18:28,554 --> 00:18:32,823
"Send in the next congressman"
400
00:18:32,825 --> 00:18:35,259
And finally, mother nature.
401
00:18:35,261 --> 00:18:39,163
There are now less
boy babies being born.
402
00:18:39,165 --> 00:18:41,899
Mother nature has
looked at the situation,
403
00:18:41,901 --> 00:18:45,669
has decided that men
are bad for the planet.
404
00:18:49,075 --> 00:18:52,910
No woman has ever
built a smoke stack.
405
00:18:52,912 --> 00:18:57,782
No woman has invented an
atomic or a hydrogen bomb.
406
00:18:57,784 --> 00:19:03,487
And no women, no girls go into
schools and shoot them up.
407
00:19:03,489 --> 00:19:05,022
Not a single one of
these school shootings
408
00:19:05,024 --> 00:19:06,457
are girls, are they?
409
00:19:06,459 --> 00:19:08,159
How can that be?
410
00:19:08,161 --> 00:19:09,927
Think about that.
411
00:19:09,929 --> 00:19:11,862
It's like, and it's not
just school shootings,
412
00:19:11,864 --> 00:19:15,499
it's like women generally
don't shoot you.
413
00:19:17,670 --> 00:19:19,437
Unless you deserve it.
414
00:19:20,673 --> 00:19:23,507
I mean, usually,
415
00:19:24,444 --> 00:19:27,745
when a woman shoots her
husband or her boyfriend,
416
00:19:27,747 --> 00:19:30,581
some thought has gone into it.
417
00:19:33,586 --> 00:19:35,519
That's actually true
with most crimes.
418
00:19:35,521 --> 00:19:38,255
How many female
arsonists are there?
419
00:19:38,257 --> 00:19:39,323
Or burglars?
420
00:19:40,159 --> 00:19:41,759
Or rapists?
421
00:19:41,761 --> 00:19:43,961
Or, I mean you go down
the whole list of crimes.
422
00:19:43,963 --> 00:19:48,199
We're actually quite safe
from 51% of the population.
423
00:19:48,201 --> 00:19:49,333
Right?
424
00:19:49,335 --> 00:19:50,901
I mean it's like.
425
00:19:53,039 --> 00:19:56,073
When you, when you
leave here tonight
426
00:19:56,075 --> 00:20:00,277
and wander out onto the dark
streets of Wilmington, Ohio,
427
00:20:00,279 --> 00:20:02,947
it's a rough town out there,
but you know, it's dark.
428
00:20:02,949 --> 00:20:06,484
You're on a dark street, you're
just a little more aware.
429
00:20:06,486 --> 00:20:08,953
What are you being aware of?
430
00:20:08,955 --> 00:20:12,857
A woman gonna jump out of the
bushes and stab you to death?
431
00:20:12,859 --> 00:20:14,492
Is a woman gonna mug you?
432
00:20:14,494 --> 00:20:17,962
Whatever you're afraid
of, does not wear a dress.
433
00:20:19,866 --> 00:20:21,298
Or a pantsuit.
434
00:20:25,404 --> 00:20:26,770
Oh man, see but that's,
435
00:20:26,772 --> 00:20:30,307
you must understand
the Trump voter.
436
00:20:30,309 --> 00:20:34,545
These are legitimate
concerns, legitimate concerns.
437
00:20:37,450 --> 00:20:38,716
And I think, you know,
438
00:20:38,718 --> 00:20:40,751
we're laughing a lot
about this stuff,
439
00:20:40,753 --> 00:20:43,487
and thank you Trump
voters for letting us
440
00:20:43,489 --> 00:20:46,323
have a little bit of
laughter over this.
441
00:20:46,325 --> 00:20:49,226
But I actually wrote
something today
442
00:20:49,228 --> 00:20:53,163
while I was sitting here at
the official hotel of the,
443
00:20:53,165 --> 00:20:55,065
of the Murphy Theater,
444
00:20:56,536 --> 00:20:58,135
the Holiday Inn Express.
445
00:20:58,137 --> 00:20:59,770
And ah...
446
00:21:00,606 --> 00:21:02,673
Can I read this to
you, do you mind if I,
447
00:21:02,675 --> 00:21:05,042
I just wrote this,
I just want to,
448
00:21:05,044 --> 00:21:07,211
I want to read it to you.
449
00:21:10,116 --> 00:21:13,517
Because I know a lot
of people in Michigan
450
00:21:13,519 --> 00:21:15,853
that are planning
to vote for Trump.
451
00:21:15,855 --> 00:21:17,688
And, um, they're not,
452
00:21:18,791 --> 00:21:22,059
they don't necessarily
like him that much,
453
00:21:22,061 --> 00:21:25,062
and they don't necessarily
agree with him.
454
00:21:25,064 --> 00:21:27,932
They're not racist
and rednecks and,
455
00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:30,935
they're actually
pretty decent people.
456
00:21:30,937 --> 00:21:32,436
And so I wanted to sort of,
457
00:21:32,438 --> 00:21:34,538
after talking to a number of
them, I wanted to sort of,
458
00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:36,874
I wanted to write this and,
459
00:21:38,110 --> 00:21:42,479
Donald Trump came to the
Detroit Economic Club,
460
00:21:42,481 --> 00:21:46,383
and stood there in front of
the Ford Motor executives
461
00:21:46,385 --> 00:21:50,554
and said, "If you
close these factories
462
00:21:50,556 --> 00:21:52,556
"as you're planning
to do in Detroit,
463
00:21:52,558 --> 00:21:54,959
"and build them in Mexico,
464
00:21:54,961 --> 00:21:58,662
"I'm going to put a 35%
tariff on those cars
465
00:21:58,664 --> 00:22:01,865
"when you send them back, and
nobody is going to buy them."
466
00:22:01,867 --> 00:22:04,134
It was an amazing thing to see.
467
00:22:04,136 --> 00:22:07,504
No politician,
Republican or Democrat,
468
00:22:07,506 --> 00:22:11,609
had ever said anything like
that to these executives.
469
00:22:11,611 --> 00:22:14,044
And it was music to the ears
470
00:22:14,046 --> 00:22:17,748
of people in Michigan, and
Ohio, and Pennsylvania,
471
00:22:17,750 --> 00:22:21,385
and Wisconsin,
the Brexit states.
472
00:22:24,523 --> 00:22:27,157
You live here in Ohio, you
know what I'm talking about.
473
00:22:27,159 --> 00:22:28,859
Whether Trump means it or not
474
00:22:28,861 --> 00:22:31,562
is kind of irrelevant,
because he's saying the things
475
00:22:31,564 --> 00:22:33,797
to people who are hurting.
476
00:22:34,634 --> 00:22:37,468
And it's why every
beaten down, nameless,
477
00:22:37,470 --> 00:22:40,170
forgotten working stiff,
who used to be part of
478
00:22:40,172 --> 00:22:43,140
what was called the
middle class, loves Trump.
479
00:22:43,142 --> 00:22:46,176
He is the human Molotov cocktail
480
00:22:46,178 --> 00:22:48,746
that they've been waiting for.
481
00:22:49,615 --> 00:22:52,149
The human hand grenade
that they can legally throw
482
00:22:52,151 --> 00:22:56,053
into the system that stole
their lives from them.
483
00:22:56,055 --> 00:22:59,390
And on November
8th, Election Day,
484
00:22:59,392 --> 00:23:01,959
although they've
lost their jobs,
485
00:23:01,961 --> 00:23:04,595
although they've been
foreclosed on by the bank,
486
00:23:04,597 --> 00:23:07,631
next came the divorce, and now
the wife and kids are gone,
487
00:23:07,633 --> 00:23:09,266
the car's been repo'ed,
488
00:23:09,268 --> 00:23:11,935
they haven't had a
real vacation in years,
489
00:23:11,937 --> 00:23:14,805
they're stuck with the
shitty Obamacare bronze plan,
490
00:23:14,807 --> 00:23:18,375
where you can't even
get a fucking Percocet,
491
00:23:18,377 --> 00:23:22,212
they've essentially lost
everything they had,
492
00:23:23,115 --> 00:23:24,581
except one thing.
493
00:23:26,352 --> 00:23:29,420
The one thing that
doesn't cost them a cent,
494
00:23:29,422 --> 00:23:32,823
and is guaranteed to them by
the American Constitution,
495
00:23:32,825 --> 00:23:34,391
the right to vote.
496
00:23:36,562 --> 00:23:39,229
They might be penniless,
they might be homeless,
497
00:23:39,231 --> 00:23:41,265
they might be fucked
over and fucked up.
498
00:23:41,267 --> 00:23:45,502
It doesn't matter, because
it's equalized on that day.
499
00:23:46,305 --> 00:23:49,339
A millionaire has the
same number of votes
500
00:23:49,341 --> 00:23:52,142
as the person
without a job, one.
501
00:23:53,079 --> 00:23:56,080
And there's more of
the former middle class
502
00:23:56,082 --> 00:23:59,249
than there are in the
millionaire class.
503
00:23:59,251 --> 00:24:00,918
So on November 8th,
504
00:24:01,854 --> 00:24:05,456
the dispossessed will walk
into the voting booth,
505
00:24:05,458 --> 00:24:08,058
be handed a ballot,
close the curtain,
506
00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:11,328
and take that lever, or
felt pen, or touch screen,
507
00:24:11,330 --> 00:24:14,565
and put a big
fucking X in the box
508
00:24:14,567 --> 00:24:17,801
by the name of the man who
has threatened to upend
509
00:24:17,803 --> 00:24:20,237
and overturn the very system
510
00:24:20,239 --> 00:24:22,639
that has ruined their lives,
511
00:24:24,443 --> 00:24:25,843
Donald J. Trump.
512
00:24:28,614 --> 00:24:32,850
They see that the elites who
ruined their lives hate Trump.
513
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,787
Corporate America hates Trump.
514
00:24:36,789 --> 00:24:38,489
Wall Street hates Trump.
515
00:24:38,491 --> 00:24:41,024
The career politicians
hate Trump.
516
00:24:41,026 --> 00:24:43,427
The media hates Trump,
517
00:24:43,429 --> 00:24:46,563
after they loved
him and created him,
518
00:24:46,565 --> 00:24:49,867
and now hate him,
thank you media.
519
00:24:49,869 --> 00:24:53,337
The enemy of my enemy is who
I'm voting for on November 8th.
520
00:24:57,109 --> 00:25:00,644
Yes, on November
8th, you, Joe Blow,
521
00:25:00,646 --> 00:25:04,114
Steve Blow, Bob
Blow, Billy Blow,
522
00:25:04,116 --> 00:25:07,384
Billy Bob Blow, all the Blows,
523
00:25:07,386 --> 00:25:09,086
get to go and blow up
524
00:25:09,088 --> 00:25:13,323
the whole goddamn system,
because it's your right.
525
00:25:17,096 --> 00:25:20,731
Trump's election is going
to be the biggest fuck you
526
00:25:20,733 --> 00:25:23,400
ever recorded in human history.
527
00:25:25,771 --> 00:25:27,704
And it will feel
528
00:25:28,641 --> 00:25:30,040
good.
529
00:25:32,578 --> 00:25:33,443
For a day.
530
00:25:35,214 --> 00:25:36,346
Maybe a week.
531
00:25:38,050 --> 00:25:39,550
Possibly a month.
532
00:25:40,553 --> 00:25:42,719
And then, like the Brits,
533
00:25:44,089 --> 00:25:47,124
who wanted to send a message
534
00:25:47,126 --> 00:25:49,827
so they voted to leave Europe
535
00:25:49,829 --> 00:25:52,496
only to find out that if
you vote to leave Europe
536
00:25:52,498 --> 00:25:55,065
you actually have
to leave Europe.
537
00:25:57,203 --> 00:25:59,937
And now they regret it.
538
00:25:59,939 --> 00:26:04,107
All the Ohioans,
Pennsylvanians, Michiganders,
539
00:26:04,109 --> 00:26:08,245
and Wisconsinites of
middle England, right?
540
00:26:08,247 --> 00:26:10,080
They all voted to leave
541
00:26:10,082 --> 00:26:11,548
and now they regret it
542
00:26:11,550 --> 00:26:14,685
and over four million of
them have signed a petition
543
00:26:14,687 --> 00:26:16,854
to have a do-over.
544
00:26:16,856 --> 00:26:18,388
They want another election.
545
00:26:18,390 --> 00:26:19,556
It ain't gonna happen
546
00:26:19,558 --> 00:26:22,025
because you used the ballot
547
00:26:22,027 --> 00:26:24,428
as an anger management tool.
548
00:26:28,167 --> 00:26:30,734
And now you're fucked.
549
00:26:30,736 --> 00:26:33,103
And the rest of Europe,
the rest of Europe,
550
00:26:33,105 --> 00:26:35,372
they're like, "Bye Felicia."
551
00:26:42,214 --> 00:26:45,082
So when the rightfully
angry people of Ohio,
552
00:26:45,084 --> 00:26:48,218
and Michigan, and
Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin
553
00:26:48,220 --> 00:26:50,487
find out after a few
months in office,
554
00:26:50,489 --> 00:26:52,122
that President Trump
wasn't going to do
555
00:26:52,124 --> 00:26:54,892
a damned thing for them,
556
00:26:54,894 --> 00:26:58,729
it will be too late to
do anything about it.
557
00:26:58,731 --> 00:27:00,364
But I get it.
558
00:27:00,366 --> 00:27:03,133
You wanted to send a message.
559
00:27:03,135 --> 00:27:04,735
You had righteous anger
560
00:27:04,737 --> 00:27:06,637
and justifiable anger.
561
00:27:08,574 --> 00:27:10,240
Well, message sent.
562
00:27:13,445 --> 00:27:15,646
Goodnight America.
563
00:27:15,648 --> 00:27:19,883
You've just elected the last
president of the United States.
564
00:27:27,459 --> 00:27:29,092
Good evening, Terri Hardesty
565
00:27:29,094 --> 00:27:30,994
reporting from our
nation's capital.
566
00:27:30,996 --> 00:27:33,130
Donald J.Trump
was sworn in today
567
00:27:33,132 --> 00:27:36,133
as the 45th president
of the United States.
568
00:27:36,135 --> 00:27:38,302
I, Donald J. Trump,
569
00:27:38,304 --> 00:27:39,803
As some had predicted,
570
00:27:39,805 --> 00:27:41,872
the shit show started
within minutes.
571
00:27:41,874 --> 00:27:42,973
Before the parade,
572
00:27:42,975 --> 00:27:44,808
President Trump ordered
an aerial bombardment
573
00:27:44,810 --> 00:27:47,077
of all Mexican border towns.
574
00:27:49,048 --> 00:27:51,448
The instatement of stop
and frisk checkpoints
575
00:27:51,450 --> 00:27:53,283
at all U.S. inner cities,
576
00:27:53,285 --> 00:27:57,054
and the deportation of Rosie
O'Donnell to American Samoa,
577
00:27:57,056 --> 00:28:00,290
to which Trump replied, "Hey,
it's not really a deportation,
578
00:28:00,292 --> 00:28:02,993
we own the damn fat farm
for Christ's sakes."
579
00:28:02,995 --> 00:28:05,529
The inaugural parade
finally got underway,
580
00:28:05,531 --> 00:28:07,798
but only after President
Trump insisted on
581
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:11,268
flying over the parade route
in his Trump helicopter
582
00:28:11,270 --> 00:28:13,704
once he learned that he was
expected to get out of his limo
583
00:28:13,706 --> 00:28:15,439
and walk to the White House.
584
00:28:15,441 --> 00:28:17,674
Upon arriving, the
president walked inside
585
00:28:17,676 --> 00:28:20,644
the 200 year old structure,
took a brief look around,
586
00:28:20,646 --> 00:28:22,679
and we have this exclusively,
587
00:28:22,681 --> 00:28:25,749
a recording made by a White
House maid on her cell phone.
588
00:28:49,875 --> 00:28:51,074
In other news, by day's end,
589
00:28:51,076 --> 00:28:53,443
20 million Americans who
say they voted for Trump
590
00:28:53,445 --> 00:28:55,312
had signed an online petition,
591
00:28:55,314 --> 00:28:57,547
asking for a do-over election.
592
00:28:57,549 --> 00:28:59,916
Finally, this will
be our last broadcast
593
00:28:59,918 --> 00:29:01,551
as the new Trump channel run by
594
00:29:01,553 --> 00:29:03,553
Roger Ailes and Breitbart News,
595
00:29:03,555 --> 00:29:05,622
will be taking over this network
596
00:29:05,624 --> 00:29:08,625
and featuring all reality,
all day, every day.
597
00:29:08,627 --> 00:29:10,260
Trump himself will be hosting
598
00:29:10,262 --> 00:29:13,163
The Real World 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue
599
00:29:13,165 --> 00:29:15,165
and You're Fired, America,
600
00:29:15,167 --> 00:29:18,068
a nightly show where
your job may be next.
601
00:29:18,070 --> 00:29:22,305
I'm Terri Hardesty signing
off, good luck America.
602
00:29:32,751 --> 00:29:36,453
Just wanted you to see what
it's going to look like.
603
00:29:36,455 --> 00:29:38,688
Um, so here's my question.
604
00:29:41,727 --> 00:29:44,761
What is our problem
with Hillary?
605
00:29:44,763 --> 00:29:45,662
What's your problem?
606
00:29:45,664 --> 00:29:47,964
What is your problem
with Hillary?
607
00:29:47,966 --> 00:29:49,599
You know, I got my problems.
608
00:29:49,601 --> 00:29:52,969
I can, I'll tell you what
my problem is with her.
609
00:29:52,971 --> 00:29:55,305
She voted for the Iraq war.
610
00:29:56,308 --> 00:29:58,975
She's too cozy with Wall Street.
611
00:29:58,977 --> 00:30:01,211
Those are big ones.
612
00:30:01,213 --> 00:30:04,848
We don't really talk
about the issues, do we?
613
00:30:04,850 --> 00:30:06,016
Whenever they talk
about Hillary,
614
00:30:06,018 --> 00:30:07,784
when anyone talks about
Hillary it's about
615
00:30:07,786 --> 00:30:09,586
how you like her
or don't like her.
616
00:30:09,588 --> 00:30:10,821
And the people that
don't like her,
617
00:30:10,823 --> 00:30:13,190
and that's on the right and
the left, don't like her.
618
00:30:13,192 --> 00:30:14,791
But what is this about
her being likable?
619
00:30:14,793 --> 00:30:18,095
You're not going to the voting
booth to vote for a friend.
620
00:30:18,097 --> 00:30:19,196
"I want her to be my friend."
621
00:30:19,198 --> 00:30:20,797
No, I don't want
her to be my friend.
622
00:30:20,799 --> 00:30:22,199
I want her to,
623
00:30:22,201 --> 00:30:24,968
I want them not to like
her up on Capitol Hill.
624
00:30:24,970 --> 00:30:26,570
I want the people
she's negotiating with
625
00:30:26,572 --> 00:30:28,572
not to like her.
626
00:30:28,574 --> 00:30:29,940
You don't want
somebody all likable.
627
00:30:29,942 --> 00:30:31,141
"Sure, whatever you say."
628
00:30:31,143 --> 00:30:33,543
"Okay, I'll sign here."
629
00:30:35,747 --> 00:30:38,548
What else, what are the
other knocks on Hillary?
630
00:30:38,550 --> 00:30:40,383
Not trustworthy, right?
631
00:30:40,385 --> 00:30:42,352
We hear that a lot,
she's not trustworthy.
632
00:30:42,354 --> 00:30:45,956
How did she prove her
distrust-worthiness to you?
633
00:30:45,958 --> 00:30:47,958
Did she, did she promise
to water the plants
634
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,795
for you while you were
gone, and then didn't?
635
00:30:51,797 --> 00:30:53,263
Now we're talking
about differences,
636
00:30:53,265 --> 00:30:54,598
you say well she
flip-flops or whatever,
637
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,601
well everybody changes,
everybody evolves,
638
00:30:57,603 --> 00:30:59,569
I hope they do, right?
639
00:30:59,571 --> 00:31:01,738
We want our Trump voter
friends in here tonight,
640
00:31:01,740 --> 00:31:04,040
we're asking them
to maybe change.
641
00:31:04,042 --> 00:31:08,311
If you just stay in cement,
it's like okay so she's learned.
642
00:31:08,313 --> 00:31:10,447
She was against, she
fought gay marriage
643
00:31:10,449 --> 00:31:12,282
and then she was for it.
644
00:31:12,284 --> 00:31:15,118
Well I'd rather that, than
staying against gay marriage.
645
00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:17,154
I don't think
that's a bad thing.
646
00:31:17,156 --> 00:31:19,055
She said her Iraq
War vote was wrong.
647
00:31:19,057 --> 00:31:22,259
She's never done anything
more wrong than that.
648
00:31:22,261 --> 00:31:24,661
Okay it's not exactly I'm sorry,
649
00:31:24,663 --> 00:31:28,465
but that pretty, okay she's
a politician, I accept that.
650
00:31:28,467 --> 00:31:30,300
What else, what else?
651
00:31:30,302 --> 00:31:34,037
What are the other
knocks on Hillary?
652
00:31:34,039 --> 00:31:34,938
Benghazi.
653
00:31:34,940 --> 00:31:36,306
Okay Benghazi, yes.
654
00:31:36,308 --> 00:31:37,707
She got up in the
middle of the night
655
00:31:37,709 --> 00:31:40,343
and personally
planned, with ISIS
656
00:31:40,345 --> 00:31:42,345
which she and Obama created,
657
00:31:42,347 --> 00:31:46,216
according to Trump,
they invented ISIS,
658
00:31:46,218 --> 00:31:48,318
and they planned this attack
659
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:52,756
to kill our people there at
the Consulate in Benghazi.
660
00:31:52,758 --> 00:31:54,391
She was cleared six times.
661
00:31:54,393 --> 00:31:56,593
Oh she's been cleared
of the charges six times.
662
00:31:56,595 --> 00:31:57,961
That's not enough!
663
00:32:00,232 --> 00:32:01,698
You have to be, if
you're Hillary Clinton
664
00:32:01,700 --> 00:32:04,401
you have to be
cleared eight times.
665
00:32:04,403 --> 00:32:06,369
The Clinton Foundation.
666
00:32:06,371 --> 00:32:07,604
Oh the Clinton Foundation.
667
00:32:07,606 --> 00:32:09,239
Well thank God there's
a Clinton Foundation,
668
00:32:09,241 --> 00:32:11,241
look at all the
good they've done.
669
00:32:11,243 --> 00:32:14,578
You know?
670
00:32:14,580 --> 00:32:15,478
I mean,
671
00:32:19,484 --> 00:32:21,551
and if what they say is true,
672
00:32:21,553 --> 00:32:23,620
and so they get to have
a meeting with Hillary,
673
00:32:23,622 --> 00:32:26,223
and what's their meeting,
she's still Hillary Clinton.
674
00:32:26,225 --> 00:32:27,857
It's not like they get
to go in there and say
675
00:32:27,859 --> 00:32:29,626
"I need you to bomb,
676
00:32:29,628 --> 00:32:31,094
"I need you to,
677
00:32:31,096 --> 00:32:33,396
"I need you to bomb Yemen."
678
00:32:34,566 --> 00:32:37,367
"Okay, how much did you give
the Clinton Foundation?"
679
00:32:37,369 --> 00:32:40,303
"I gave the Clinton Foundation
$50 million dollars."
680
00:32:40,305 --> 00:32:42,005
"Call in the air strikes."
681
00:32:42,007 --> 00:32:43,940
That's not what's going on.
682
00:32:43,942 --> 00:32:45,675
Generally, what the
Obama administration
683
00:32:45,677 --> 00:32:48,612
state department has
done, not everything,
684
00:32:48,614 --> 00:32:50,947
has been good for the world.
685
00:32:50,949 --> 00:32:53,049
The world likes us
a little bit better
686
00:32:53,051 --> 00:32:57,354
than when George W. Bush was
in the White House, right?
687
00:32:57,356 --> 00:33:01,324
So.
688
00:33:03,395 --> 00:33:04,894
But what else?
689
00:33:04,896 --> 00:33:06,863
Remember I'm not a Hillary
voter, so what else, what else?
690
00:33:06,865 --> 00:33:08,465
Huh?
691
00:33:08,467 --> 00:33:09,933
She forgot to tell us she was sick.
692
00:33:09,935 --> 00:33:11,101
Yes, that one.
693
00:33:11,103 --> 00:33:12,636
It was pneumonia.
694
00:33:12,638 --> 00:33:14,671
She wouldn't tell
us she had pneumonia.
695
00:33:14,673 --> 00:33:16,973
And I want to say
something about that.
696
00:33:16,975 --> 00:33:18,308
I just feel bad
697
00:33:18,310 --> 00:33:21,978
that she didn't tell the
truth about her pneumonia.
698
00:33:21,980 --> 00:33:25,048
And what I feel bad about
is not her being a liar,
699
00:33:25,050 --> 00:33:28,184
but that she has got
to a point in her life
700
00:33:28,186 --> 00:33:31,087
where she can't even trust us.
701
00:33:31,089 --> 00:33:32,956
If she had just said
702
00:33:32,957 --> 00:33:34,824
"I've got pneumonia and I've
got to take the weekend off."
703
00:33:34,826 --> 00:33:37,060
What would the
response have been?
704
00:33:37,062 --> 00:33:40,497
It would have been,
"It takes a village."
705
00:33:40,499 --> 00:33:41,731
Right?
706
00:33:41,733 --> 00:33:43,500
What she taught us.
707
00:33:43,502 --> 00:33:45,235
She can't quite trust that
708
00:33:45,237 --> 00:33:48,104
about the United
States of America.
709
00:33:48,106 --> 00:33:50,674
That's a sad commentary on us.
710
00:33:51,476 --> 00:33:54,344
That's not really on her.
711
00:33:54,346 --> 00:33:56,846
Can't we start saying
something nice about her?
712
00:33:56,848 --> 00:33:59,249
You know, even the Trump
people in here, you know?
713
00:33:59,251 --> 00:34:01,484
Or conservative
people, Bernie people,
714
00:34:01,486 --> 00:34:03,853
can't you say something
nice about Hillary Clinton?
715
00:34:03,855 --> 00:34:05,255
Isn't this they
way we were raised?
716
00:34:05,257 --> 00:34:07,390
Didn't your grandmother
tell you like she told me
717
00:34:07,392 --> 00:34:09,392
"You can say something
nice about everybody
718
00:34:09,394 --> 00:34:11,761
except Hitler and Matt Lauer."
719
00:34:15,934 --> 00:34:17,801
Just to prove it to
you, I will start off,
720
00:34:17,803 --> 00:34:21,237
I'll start off by
saying something nice.
721
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:24,741
I'll say three things
nice about George W. Bush.
722
00:34:24,743 --> 00:34:28,745
Just to prove, just to
prove this can be done,
723
00:34:28,747 --> 00:34:29,813
all right?
724
00:34:29,815 --> 00:34:31,381
Number one,
725
00:34:31,383 --> 00:34:34,417
I think he did a good job
raising those two daughters.
726
00:34:34,419 --> 00:34:39,022
They seem like very fine women,
they seem to love their dad.
727
00:34:39,024 --> 00:34:40,824
Number two, Bono.
728
00:34:40,826 --> 00:34:44,761
Bono credits Bush with
breaking the log jam
729
00:34:44,763 --> 00:34:48,131
and getting funds for
AIDS relief in Africa,
730
00:34:48,133 --> 00:34:50,433
that Bush put a
whole bunch of money
731
00:34:50,435 --> 00:34:52,268
into Africa for AIDS relief.
732
00:34:55,407 --> 00:34:56,906
And number three,
733
00:34:58,677 --> 00:35:00,577
um, he loves his dogs!
734
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:03,813
Yes, that's number three.
735
00:35:03,815 --> 00:35:06,716
He loved Barney,
Barney loved him.
736
00:35:07,586 --> 00:35:10,186
He was so good with those dogs.
737
00:35:10,188 --> 00:35:11,821
Okay, there's three
nice things about Bush.
738
00:35:11,823 --> 00:35:13,256
I've said them.
739
00:35:13,258 --> 00:35:15,191
So, to say something
nice about Hillary.
740
00:35:15,193 --> 00:35:17,394
We're gonna start with a man.
741
00:35:17,396 --> 00:35:20,130
I filmed this
seventeen years ago,
742
00:35:20,132 --> 00:35:22,031
I had a show called
The Awful Truth
743
00:35:22,033 --> 00:35:23,433
on the Bravo network.
744
00:35:23,435 --> 00:35:25,301
And, (audience
applauds) thank you.
745
00:35:25,303 --> 00:35:26,703
It was during the
Lewinsky scandal,
746
00:35:26,705 --> 00:35:28,104
and Clinton was being impeached,
747
00:35:28,106 --> 00:35:30,740
there was a lot of speculation
that she might leave him.
748
00:35:30,742 --> 00:35:32,342
And we had this
idea on the show,
749
00:35:32,344 --> 00:35:34,077
that let's go out and
try and find her a date.
750
00:35:34,079 --> 00:35:36,713
She deserves a date
with a nice guy.
751
00:35:36,715 --> 00:35:38,515
If we have that ready in
the booth, can we show them?
752
00:35:38,517 --> 00:35:40,316
This is 1998.
753
00:35:40,318 --> 00:35:41,651
We're doing an interview
754
00:35:41,653 --> 00:35:43,086
about Hillary
Clinton being single.
755
00:35:43,088 --> 00:35:44,587
- Oh really?
- Yeah, what do you think?
756
00:35:44,589 --> 00:35:46,189
Well I think that
Hillary Clinton's
757
00:35:46,191 --> 00:35:49,192
a hell of a good woman and
I hope she's not single
758
00:35:49,194 --> 00:35:50,827
in a year and a half, I
hope they stay together
759
00:35:50,829 --> 00:35:52,028
and I think they will.
760
00:35:52,030 --> 00:35:53,163
I think she's very committed,
761
00:35:53,165 --> 00:35:54,648
and I think he's very committed.
762
00:35:54,649 --> 00:35:56,132
You think that she's not
gonna be out having a,
763
00:35:56,134 --> 00:35:57,734
you don't wanna date
her when she's single?
764
00:35:57,736 --> 00:35:59,669
No, I think that
she's very happy.
765
00:35:59,671 --> 00:36:01,438
I hope she's very
happy with her husband.
766
00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:05,141
and I think she understands her
husband better than anybody,
767
00:36:05,143 --> 00:36:06,709
and I think she'll be just fine.
768
00:36:06,711 --> 00:36:09,145
So wow, okay.
769
00:36:09,147 --> 00:36:10,246
Okay?
770
00:36:10,247 --> 00:36:11,346
So no dating advice?
771
00:36:11,349 --> 00:36:12,816
I don't wanna give
her any dating advice.
772
00:36:12,818 --> 00:36:15,485
She's gonna be married
to our current president
773
00:36:15,487 --> 00:36:16,686
for a long time.
774
00:36:16,688 --> 00:36:18,388
- Alright, Donald.
- I hope.
775
00:36:18,390 --> 00:36:19,556
Thanks a lot.
776
00:36:19,558 --> 00:36:20,623
I'll tell her you're
not interested.
777
00:36:20,625 --> 00:36:21,458
Tell her.
778
00:36:21,460 --> 00:36:22,525
Have a good time.
779
00:36:22,527 --> 00:36:24,327
Bye.
780
00:36:24,329 --> 00:36:26,529
Well, I just left Michael
and he's a good man.
781
00:36:26,531 --> 00:36:28,131
He's a good man,
he's done a good job.
782
00:36:28,133 --> 00:36:29,566
Yeah, okay, thanks.
783
00:36:29,568 --> 00:36:31,434
- 'Kay, have a good time.
- Bye.
784
00:36:35,574 --> 00:36:36,473
See?
785
00:36:37,909 --> 00:36:42,145
See, he said something
nice about Hillary, and me.
786
00:36:42,147 --> 00:36:44,848
Right, so if he can
do it, you can do it.
787
00:36:44,850 --> 00:36:46,549
Anybody, just raise your hand.
788
00:36:46,551 --> 00:36:47,784
Yes, go ahead.
789
00:36:50,322 --> 00:36:52,288
She's overqualified.
790
00:36:52,290 --> 00:36:54,090
Is that a nice thing?
791
00:36:55,660 --> 00:36:57,627
Usually I'm, I used
to be told that
792
00:36:57,629 --> 00:37:00,263
when I didn't get the job.
793
00:37:00,265 --> 00:37:02,198
Right down here in
the center, yes, sir.
794
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:03,366
She's super smart.
795
00:37:03,368 --> 00:37:04,467
She's super smart.
796
00:37:07,539 --> 00:37:08,855
Over here.
797
00:37:08,856 --> 00:37:10,172
Hillary actually
knows where Aleppo is.
798
00:37:10,175 --> 00:37:13,009
Hillary knows where Aleppo is!
799
00:37:13,011 --> 00:37:14,644
There you go!
800
00:37:14,646 --> 00:37:16,012
Do we have anybody,
anybody from the
801
00:37:16,014 --> 00:37:17,814
I don't like Hillary camp
802
00:37:17,816 --> 00:37:19,582
that can say something
nice about her.
803
00:37:19,584 --> 00:37:20,984
Yes sir, in the red.
804
00:37:22,287 --> 00:37:23,253
She's what?
805
00:37:24,256 --> 00:37:26,055
She stood by her man?
806
00:37:28,927 --> 00:37:30,560
Yeah.
807
00:37:33,765 --> 00:37:36,599
How 'bout the Mexicans up there?
808
00:37:41,339 --> 00:37:43,072
True, that's very true.
809
00:37:43,074 --> 00:37:44,073
Let's check in with our Muslims.
810
00:37:44,075 --> 00:37:46,476
How are they doing up there?
811
00:37:49,748 --> 00:37:52,949
Okay, we'll have
to get that fixed.
812
00:37:52,951 --> 00:37:54,684
So anybody else?
813
00:37:54,686 --> 00:37:55,885
Come on.
814
00:37:55,886 --> 00:37:57,085
Right down here in
the front row, yes.
815
00:37:57,088 --> 00:37:58,821
I think she's
every single thing
816
00:37:58,823 --> 00:38:00,623
we say we want our
daughters to be.
817
00:38:00,625 --> 00:38:04,260
She's smart, she works
hard, she's independent,
818
00:38:04,262 --> 00:38:07,497
and she doesn't take
any shit from anybody.
819
00:38:07,499 --> 00:38:09,599
Wow, that was, that
was beautifully put.
820
00:38:09,601 --> 00:38:11,434
Alright, right behind, yes.
821
00:38:11,436 --> 00:38:12,602
Sir, right back there.
822
00:38:12,604 --> 00:38:16,005
I like her ads, she
really has fought for our,
823
00:38:16,007 --> 00:38:17,307
You like her ass?
824
00:38:19,277 --> 00:38:21,377
Ad. Commercial.
825
00:38:21,379 --> 00:38:23,379
Her ads, oh, her ads.
826
00:38:25,684 --> 00:38:27,083
She really has
827
00:38:27,852 --> 00:38:32,455
fought for opportunity for
kids for her entire life.
828
00:38:34,357 --> 00:38:37,360
Yes, that's very nice.
829
00:38:37,362 --> 00:38:40,330
Alright let me say something
nice about Hillary.
830
00:38:40,332 --> 00:38:42,832
I'm glad she killed
Vince Foster.
831
00:38:47,706 --> 00:38:50,340
That's another knock on her,
she killed Vince Foster.
832
00:38:50,342 --> 00:38:51,908
White House Deputy Counsel,
833
00:38:51,910 --> 00:38:53,643
the Clintons had been
in there six months,
834
00:38:53,645 --> 00:38:56,045
all of a sudden, a Sunday
morning he's found dead
835
00:38:56,047 --> 00:38:58,915
in his car in a park on the
Potomac River,
836
00:38:58,917 --> 00:39:02,719
bullet hole in the head and
a suicide note in his hand.
837
00:39:02,721 --> 00:39:04,754
And ever since that, how long?
838
00:39:04,756 --> 00:39:06,589
Right, those of us,
you're a little older?
839
00:39:06,591 --> 00:39:09,359
Right, how long have we had
to listen to this, since 1993
840
00:39:09,361 --> 00:39:11,060
that Hillary killed
Vince Foster?
841
00:39:11,062 --> 00:39:12,295
I hope she did.
842
00:39:14,599 --> 00:39:16,866
Because that's badass, man.
843
00:39:16,868 --> 00:39:18,434
How'd she do that?
844
00:39:19,471 --> 00:39:21,337
She must have jacked
his car at like
845
00:39:21,339 --> 00:39:25,108
eight in the morning on a
Sunday before going to church,
846
00:39:25,110 --> 00:39:28,111
shot him, written
that suicide note
847
00:39:28,113 --> 00:39:31,748
like a Jon Benet type note,
put that it in his hand,
848
00:39:31,750 --> 00:39:34,584
went back to the White
House for breakfast.
849
00:39:34,586 --> 00:39:36,052
Bill had no idea.
850
00:39:37,856 --> 00:39:40,056
Go on the Internet
tonight and type in,
851
00:39:40,058 --> 00:39:43,026
Hillary and murderer into Google
852
00:39:43,028 --> 00:39:46,295
and see what comes
up, seriously.
853
00:39:46,297 --> 00:39:48,431
She has killed 46 people.
854
00:39:50,902 --> 00:39:51,801
46 people.
855
00:39:53,838 --> 00:39:55,738
With her own bare hands.
856
00:39:55,740 --> 00:39:56,973
Ladies and gentlemen,
857
00:39:56,975 --> 00:40:00,276
this is who I want for
commander-in-chief.
858
00:40:00,278 --> 00:40:04,213
Somebody who's not
afraid to kill somebody!
859
00:40:04,215 --> 00:40:06,215
We haven't had somebody
in the Oval Office
860
00:40:06,217 --> 00:40:10,219
who has killed somebody
since Ulysses S. Grant.
861
00:40:12,357 --> 00:40:14,190
ISIS is going to shit
862
00:40:15,126 --> 00:40:16,759
if she's president.
863
00:40:20,465 --> 00:40:22,398
And you know what
the jihadist rule is,
864
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:26,102
it's not martyrdom if
you're killed by a woman.
865
00:40:26,104 --> 00:40:28,838
If a girl kills you, you
don't go to paradise,
866
00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:30,773
you don't get the 72 virgins,
867
00:40:30,775 --> 00:40:33,876
it's like you're in a permanent
high school cafeteria table
868
00:40:33,878 --> 00:40:38,147
all alone with the rest of
the cafeteria mocking you
869
00:40:38,149 --> 00:40:39,148
cause a girl killed you.
870
00:40:43,221 --> 00:40:47,390
Listen you don't want the
70-year old out of shape guy
871
00:40:47,392 --> 00:40:50,026
who's had nannies and
servants his whole life.
872
00:40:50,028 --> 00:40:51,728
You want somebody who, in
the middle of the night,
873
00:40:51,730 --> 00:40:55,565
as commander-in-chief, will
parachute in with Delta Force
874
00:40:55,567 --> 00:40:58,267
and slit the throats of
two-dozen terrorists
875
00:40:58,269 --> 00:40:59,702
in their sleep.
876
00:41:03,675 --> 00:41:05,074
Yeah!
877
00:41:07,045 --> 00:41:08,544
Um, I got a surprise
for you tonight.
878
00:41:08,546 --> 00:41:11,814
Um, someone from the Trump
campaign
879
00:41:11,816 --> 00:41:14,951
has leaked us a copy
of their new ad.
880
00:41:14,953 --> 00:41:18,121
The diseases, she's had them all,
881
00:41:18,123 --> 00:41:22,525
pneumonia, hypothyroidism,
allergies, yeast infection,
882
00:41:22,527 --> 00:41:26,896
urinary tract discomfort,
pregnancy, childbirth,
883
00:41:26,898 --> 00:41:31,234
time-of-month disorder,
bleeding from wherever disease,
884
00:41:31,236 --> 00:41:32,468
and menopause.
885
00:41:33,505 --> 00:41:35,138
Do you want a commander-in-chief
886
00:41:35,140 --> 00:41:38,007
whose lady parts
are out of control?
887
00:41:38,009 --> 00:41:40,209
Or do you want a
fit, buff leader
888
00:41:40,211 --> 00:41:42,678
who will be the
healthiest president ever?
889
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:44,013
Ever?
890
00:41:44,015 --> 00:41:46,015
Even healthier than
Teddy Roosevelt,
891
00:41:46,017 --> 00:41:48,584
and he was shot in the chest.
892
00:41:48,586 --> 00:41:51,220
Yes, there's only one
candidate this year
893
00:41:51,222 --> 00:41:55,158
healthy enough to spawn an
entire new breed of humans.
894
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:58,694
Vote Trump, he never gets sick.
895
00:41:58,696 --> 00:42:00,930
Well I could stand in
the middle of 5th Avenue
896
00:42:00,932 --> 00:42:03,432
and shoot somebody, and I
wouldn't lose any voters, okay?
897
00:42:03,434 --> 00:42:05,368
Now that's sick.
898
00:42:05,370 --> 00:42:09,539
I'm Donald Trump,
and I so approve this message.
899
00:42:12,477 --> 00:42:13,543
Effective.
900
00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:18,581
I think he's gonna
do really well.
901
00:42:18,583 --> 00:42:20,650
I want to tell you
a little story.
902
00:42:20,652 --> 00:42:24,387
When I wrote my
first book in 1996,
903
00:42:24,389 --> 00:42:26,689
it was called Downsize This
904
00:42:26,691 --> 00:42:28,891
And there was a
chapter in there called
905
00:42:28,893 --> 00:42:31,460
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.
906
00:42:31,462 --> 00:42:33,996
And so you've
probably seen these
907
00:42:33,998 --> 00:42:36,065
different photographs
908
00:42:36,067 --> 00:42:38,067
behind me on the
stage here tonight.
909
00:42:38,069 --> 00:42:41,838
I was just really upset with
the way she was being treated
910
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:43,573
when she was First Lady.
911
00:42:43,575 --> 00:42:46,075
I mean she was being knocked
and criticized all the time,
912
00:42:46,077 --> 00:42:48,311
she was being made fun of.
913
00:42:49,047 --> 00:42:51,214
How she looked, how she dressed.
914
00:42:51,216 --> 00:42:55,952
And, and also for
being the co-president.
915
00:42:55,954 --> 00:42:57,386
Right?
916
00:42:57,388 --> 00:43:00,056
Because, remember when
she said that they were,
917
00:43:00,058 --> 00:43:01,858
she was being criticized
during the campaign
918
00:43:01,860 --> 00:43:03,793
when Bill first
ran and she said,
919
00:43:03,795 --> 00:43:05,995
"Look I'm not some little
lady gonna be in the kitchen
920
00:43:05,997 --> 00:43:08,397
"baking cookies
and hosting teas."
921
00:43:08,399 --> 00:43:09,899
Attacks on her started then,
922
00:43:09,901 --> 00:43:12,935
and she was the butt of jokes
of late night comedians.
923
00:43:12,937 --> 00:43:14,804
I remember there was one,
924
00:43:14,806 --> 00:43:15,938
one joke was,
925
00:43:15,940 --> 00:43:20,142
"Hey have you heard about
the new Hillary combo at KFC?
926
00:43:20,144 --> 00:43:24,280
"It's got two large
thighs, two small breasts,
927
00:43:24,282 --> 00:43:26,082
"and two left wings."
928
00:43:29,454 --> 00:43:31,087
And I thought about it for
a minute, and I thought,
929
00:43:31,089 --> 00:43:32,922
well, it sounds
pretty good to me.
930
00:43:36,427 --> 00:43:37,793
No but I just,
931
00:43:37,795 --> 00:43:39,662
I thought she was beautiful.
932
00:43:39,664 --> 00:43:41,497
I thought she was smart.
933
00:43:41,499 --> 00:43:44,700
I thought she was a nice person.
934
00:43:44,702 --> 00:43:47,770
I didn't understand
what this was.
935
00:43:47,772 --> 00:43:49,338
And so I wrote
this chapter called
936
00:43:49,340 --> 00:43:52,141
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.
937
00:43:52,143 --> 00:43:55,711
And I got invited to
a White House dinner.
938
00:43:56,648 --> 00:44:00,850
And to give you some context
for this, the dinner took place
939
00:44:00,852 --> 00:44:04,754
the night before Clinton's
impeachment, okay?
940
00:44:04,756 --> 00:44:06,656
So what a night to
be there, right?
941
00:44:06,658 --> 00:44:08,724
He didn't look good.
Um...
942
00:44:09,394 --> 00:44:12,361
Do we have the picture
of me at the White house?
943
00:44:12,363 --> 00:44:14,330
There I am, there I am.
944
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:17,300
Hey, I clean up okay, right?
945
00:44:18,603 --> 00:44:21,103
You go through this reception
line before the dinner,
946
00:44:21,105 --> 00:44:22,338
and you walk into the East Room,
947
00:44:22,340 --> 00:44:26,008
and there's a Marine guard
there who announces you,
948
00:44:26,010 --> 00:44:28,311
and so there's like 100
people going through the line.
949
00:44:28,313 --> 00:44:30,112
So I'm standing there,
950
00:44:30,114 --> 00:44:31,714
and you're told
951
00:44:31,715 --> 00:44:33,315
"You get five seconds,
then you gotta keep moving.
952
00:44:33,318 --> 00:44:36,852
"Shake their hands, say
something nice, move on."
953
00:44:36,854 --> 00:44:41,791
And the marine goes, "Mr.
President and Madame First Lady,
954
00:44:41,793 --> 00:44:43,759
"uh, Michael Moore?"
955
00:44:50,768 --> 00:44:52,568
So I walked in there,
956
00:44:52,570 --> 00:44:55,471
and Bill grabs my
hand, and he goes,
957
00:44:55,473 --> 00:44:58,507
"Oh Michael Moore,
I just, I love you.
958
00:44:58,509 --> 00:45:00,509
"I love your number one fan,
959
00:45:00,511 --> 00:45:03,045
"I love, I love
your show TV Nation.
960
00:45:03,047 --> 00:45:05,014
"I remember that
one episode you did,
961
00:45:05,016 --> 00:45:08,551
"where you went to Idaho, and
you went to that Klan rally,
962
00:45:08,553 --> 00:45:09,719
"oh that was just,"
963
00:45:09,721 --> 00:45:11,487
And I'm thinking, "What?"
964
00:45:13,691 --> 00:45:15,658
Like these Clintons
are good, man,
965
00:45:15,660 --> 00:45:17,660
there's 100 people here
966
00:45:17,661 --> 00:45:19,661
and he's got a story
for every one of them.
967
00:45:19,664 --> 00:45:22,965
He's referencing
an obscure episode,
968
00:45:22,967 --> 00:45:25,534
on a Friday night show on NBC,
969
00:45:26,871 --> 00:45:27,703
of mine.
970
00:45:27,705 --> 00:45:28,537
And he's like,
971
00:45:28,539 --> 00:45:30,273
it's like he knows,
972
00:45:30,274 --> 00:45:32,008
and he's accurately
describing the episode.
973
00:45:32,010 --> 00:45:33,009
And I'm thinking, man.
974
00:45:33,011 --> 00:45:34,877
"And I just I love Roger and Me,
975
00:45:34,879 --> 00:45:37,546
"You're just, I'm
your number one fan."
976
00:45:37,548 --> 00:45:41,117
And at that moment,
Hillary grabs my hand,
977
00:45:41,119 --> 00:45:43,352
takes it out of his
hand, and says to him,
978
00:45:43,354 --> 00:45:46,822
"No you're not, I'm
his number one fan."
979
00:45:46,824 --> 00:45:48,624
And then she just,
980
00:45:54,766 --> 00:45:58,067
And she goes, "I
just want to say,
981
00:45:58,069 --> 00:46:00,469
"what you wrote about
me in your book.
982
00:46:00,471 --> 00:46:02,004
"I'm just, it was so wonderful,
983
00:46:02,006 --> 00:46:03,639
"and that first
line in the book."
984
00:46:03,641 --> 00:46:06,075
And my face was
turning red, right?
985
00:46:06,077 --> 00:46:07,877
And, 'cause the first
line in the chapter of
986
00:46:07,879 --> 00:46:09,845
My Forbidden Love For Hillary,
987
00:46:09,847 --> 00:46:13,149
where I have all
these photos of her,
988
00:46:13,151 --> 00:46:14,683
the first line was,
989
00:46:14,685 --> 00:46:18,854
"Hillary Clinton, she's one hot
shit-kicking feminist babe."
990
00:46:24,429 --> 00:46:27,029
"I just, I love everything.
991
00:46:27,031 --> 00:46:30,032
"And when you talked about me
on The Today Show, that just,"
992
00:46:30,034 --> 00:46:32,735
And now at this point, I
had been there for too long.
993
00:46:32,737 --> 00:46:34,270
Her aide is like stepping in,
994
00:46:34,272 --> 00:46:36,305
because she thinks I'm
holding the line up,
995
00:46:36,307 --> 00:46:38,441
but it's Hillary
that won't let me go.
996
00:46:38,443 --> 00:46:40,142
And Hillary sees
the aide coming,
997
00:46:40,144 --> 00:46:43,279
and she goes like
this, "Shoo, shoo."
998
00:46:44,182 --> 00:46:47,316
And I said, "Well I just,
listen, I just think,
999
00:46:47,318 --> 00:46:49,852
"I'm so sorry you're
going through all this
1000
00:46:49,854 --> 00:46:53,322
"with you know, but
you're a good person.
1001
00:46:53,324 --> 00:46:55,724
"And you seem like a good mom.
1002
00:46:55,726 --> 00:46:58,928
"And you should run for Senate."
1003
00:46:58,930 --> 00:47:03,232
(Michael laughs and
audience laughs)
1004
00:47:05,036 --> 00:47:08,137
And now, I could not, I
went through all the files
1005
00:47:08,139 --> 00:47:11,073
trying to find this picture
of her holding my hand,
1006
00:47:11,075 --> 00:47:12,975
but there is a picture
that was snapped
1007
00:47:12,977 --> 00:47:14,877
just as I walked away.
1008
00:47:15,713 --> 00:47:17,213
Okay, check this,
1009
00:47:17,215 --> 00:47:19,615
alright, look at
this, look at this.
1010
00:47:19,617 --> 00:47:21,584
That's right, that's the truth.
1011
00:47:21,586 --> 00:47:23,652
This is all true, look at that.
1012
00:47:23,654 --> 00:47:27,156
One of them is really happy,
and one of them is not.
1013
00:47:32,497 --> 00:47:35,764
And that's when she took me
up to the Lincoln Bedroom, um...
1014
00:47:38,736 --> 00:47:40,769
No, no, no, nothing
happened, nothing happened.
1015
00:47:40,771 --> 00:47:45,307
I'm just saying though, it was
a very special moment for me,
1016
00:47:45,309 --> 00:47:49,211
because I just felt
you know, she had been,
1017
00:47:49,213 --> 00:47:52,281
it was, her treatment
was just awful.
1018
00:47:52,283 --> 00:47:54,617
If you're young,
you don't know this.
1019
00:47:54,619 --> 00:47:56,285
If you weren't alive
then, you don't know it.
1020
00:47:56,287 --> 00:47:57,920
But people that were alive then,
1021
00:47:57,922 --> 00:47:59,688
you know what I'm saying, right?
1022
00:47:59,690 --> 00:48:02,291
I'm not making this up, I'm
not exaggerating it, am I?
1023
00:48:02,293 --> 00:48:06,195
You know, and the knock
on her was just awful.
1024
00:48:09,133 --> 00:48:13,469
Last year, I was shooting my, a
movie, "Where To Invade Next",
1025
00:48:13,471 --> 00:48:16,672
and we went to this
country, Estonia.
1026
00:48:16,674 --> 00:48:18,207
I wanted to go there
because I was trying to show
1027
00:48:18,209 --> 00:48:21,076
in different countries,
what they do better than us,
1028
00:48:21,078 --> 00:48:22,845
and what can we learn from them?
1029
00:48:22,847 --> 00:48:25,948
And so, I went to
Estonia because they are,
1030
00:48:25,950 --> 00:48:27,650
the World Health
Organization says
1031
00:48:27,652 --> 00:48:30,252
that you have the least
chance as a woman,
1032
00:48:30,254 --> 00:48:32,621
dying in childbirth in Estonia,
1033
00:48:32,623 --> 00:48:34,857
than in any other
country on the planet.
1034
00:48:34,859 --> 00:48:36,258
If you live in Cleveland,
1035
00:48:36,260 --> 00:48:38,794
you have a three times greater
chance of dying in childbirth
1036
00:48:38,796 --> 00:48:40,796
than you do in Estonia.
1037
00:48:41,699 --> 00:48:44,300
And so they took me
to the maternity ward,
1038
00:48:44,302 --> 00:48:46,869
and they had the head doctor
of the maternity ward,
1039
00:48:46,871 --> 00:48:48,704
and he's showing me around,
1040
00:48:48,706 --> 00:48:52,107
and he's telling me why
they're so good at this.
1041
00:48:52,109 --> 00:48:53,409
We're walking down this hallway,
1042
00:48:53,411 --> 00:48:55,411
and there's a
picture on the wall.
1043
00:48:55,413 --> 00:48:57,379
And I stopped him, and
I said, "Wait a minute.
1044
00:48:57,381 --> 00:48:59,848
"I know the person
in that photo."
1045
00:48:59,850 --> 00:49:01,951
That's me and the doctor
there in the hallway.
1046
00:49:01,953 --> 00:49:05,387
Can we just punch in a
little bit on this here.
1047
00:49:05,389 --> 00:49:08,290
It's Hillary Clinton,
shaking this guy's hand.
1048
00:49:08,292 --> 00:49:09,892
I said, "Where did this happen?"
1049
00:49:09,894 --> 00:49:14,430
He said, "It happened right
where you're standing."
1050
00:49:14,432 --> 00:49:16,398
I said "Oh my God,
who's the guy?"
1051
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:20,769
"That is me, twenty years ago."
1052
00:49:20,771 --> 00:49:22,271
I said "Oh my God.
1053
00:49:22,273 --> 00:49:26,008
"Okay, so what was
she doing in Estonia?"
1054
00:49:26,010 --> 00:49:28,177
"Well, don't you remember?
1055
00:49:28,179 --> 00:49:31,180
"She wanted you to have
universal healthcare.
1056
00:49:31,182 --> 00:49:33,249
"So she was studying.
1057
00:49:33,251 --> 00:49:36,018
"She went around the
world to study it.
1058
00:49:36,020 --> 00:49:37,953
"And she came to little Estonia
1059
00:49:37,955 --> 00:49:40,322
"for the same reason
you're here tonight.
1060
00:49:40,324 --> 00:49:44,293
"To find out why so many more
women survive childbirth here
1061
00:49:44,295 --> 00:49:47,263
"than in the United States."
1062
00:49:47,265 --> 00:49:50,899
And I said, "Oh my God,
wow, she came here?"
1063
00:49:50,901 --> 00:49:54,103
"Yes, and then she went back,
1064
00:49:54,105 --> 00:49:56,372
"and you didn't listen to her.
1065
00:49:56,374 --> 00:50:00,342
"Instead, you humiliated
her, and attacked her.
1066
00:50:02,179 --> 00:50:04,380
"And you've gone
twenty years now
1067
00:50:04,382 --> 00:50:06,849
"without universal healthcare.
1068
00:50:06,851 --> 00:50:08,484
"And we've had it."
1069
00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:12,955
I said, "um, I made
this movie, Sicko."
1070
00:50:12,957 --> 00:50:16,125
and while making the
movie I learned that
1071
00:50:16,127 --> 00:50:17,926
according to the
congressional budget office,
1072
00:50:17,928 --> 00:50:21,196
nearly 50,000
Americans die each year
1073
00:50:21,198 --> 00:50:23,732
for one simple reason.
1074
00:50:23,734 --> 00:50:25,834
They don't have health insurance
1075
00:50:25,836 --> 00:50:28,103
or they don't have
adequate health insurance.
1076
00:50:28,105 --> 00:50:30,739
In other words, not
because of the disease,
1077
00:50:30,741 --> 00:50:33,042
not because of the
germs in the hospital,
1078
00:50:33,044 --> 00:50:35,210
but because they didn't
have health insurance
1079
00:50:35,212 --> 00:50:37,546
they put off going
to the doctor,
1080
00:50:37,548 --> 00:50:39,848
or they had crappy
health insurance
1081
00:50:39,850 --> 00:50:42,084
and the doctor couldn't
send them to the specialist
1082
00:50:42,086 --> 00:50:43,585
that he wanted to send them to.
1083
00:50:43,587 --> 00:50:45,087
So they died.
1084
00:50:45,089 --> 00:50:48,824
They died only because
they were Americans.
1085
00:50:48,826 --> 00:50:51,126
If they lived across
the river from Detroit
1086
00:50:51,128 --> 00:50:54,363
in Windsor, Canada
they'd be alive.
1087
00:50:54,365 --> 00:50:57,199
But because they were
American, they died.
1088
00:50:57,201 --> 00:50:58,567
50,000 a year.
1089
00:50:58,569 --> 00:51:02,338
And I sat there and I started
doing the math of this.
1090
00:51:02,340 --> 00:51:05,341
Like, 20 years,
50,000 people dead.
1091
00:51:06,677 --> 00:51:07,576
Holy shit.
1092
00:51:08,512 --> 00:51:10,646
It's like a million people.
1093
00:51:10,648 --> 00:51:14,450
That's a million of our
fellow Americans dead
1094
00:51:15,686 --> 00:51:19,254
because they didn't
have health insurance.
1095
00:51:20,191 --> 00:51:24,093
If they'd been Canadian
or French or Scottish,
1096
00:51:25,162 --> 00:51:26,128
or Chilean,
1097
00:51:27,598 --> 00:51:30,733
or just about anywhere
else in the world,
1098
00:51:30,735 --> 00:51:32,634
they would have lived.
1099
00:51:33,437 --> 00:51:37,373
Every 9/11, we have somber
vigils and memorials
1100
00:51:37,375 --> 00:51:40,609
for the 3,000 Americans
who died in that attack,
1101
00:51:40,611 --> 00:51:41,777
as we should.
1102
00:51:43,581 --> 00:51:44,947
3000.
1103
00:51:44,949 --> 00:51:47,383
I still tear up over it.
1104
00:51:47,385 --> 00:51:49,752
One of my producers was
on the plane from Boston
1105
00:51:49,754 --> 00:51:52,221
that went in the North Tower.
1106
00:51:53,991 --> 00:51:56,425
We shed no tears for
the million Americans
1107
00:51:56,427 --> 00:51:58,827
who have died from
that act of terrorism.
1108
00:51:58,829 --> 00:52:01,730
One million dead Americans
1109
00:52:01,732 --> 00:52:05,801
because we refused to
listen to Hillary Clinton.
1110
00:52:08,606 --> 00:52:09,605
Who are we?
1111
00:52:11,409 --> 00:52:13,308
And what is terrorism?
1112
00:52:14,445 --> 00:52:16,445
We don't think for one second
1113
00:52:16,447 --> 00:52:20,849
about the one million
dead Americans killed
1114
00:52:20,851 --> 00:52:22,985
by a system run by greed.
1115
00:52:24,422 --> 00:52:26,321
Greed of the
insurance companies.
1116
00:52:26,323 --> 00:52:29,258
One million dead.
1117
00:52:29,260 --> 00:52:31,326
One million dead.
1118
00:52:36,200 --> 00:52:38,600
It's wrong, it's just wrong.
1119
00:52:40,838 --> 00:52:43,906
One million of our
fellow Americans.
1120
00:52:48,446 --> 00:52:50,612
Where are the tears for them?
1121
00:52:50,614 --> 00:52:53,816
Where are their names
on a marble wall?
1122
00:52:53,818 --> 00:52:55,217
I saw some of you standing.
1123
00:52:55,219 --> 00:52:56,718
I know why the response to that,
1124
00:52:56,720 --> 00:52:59,221
cause we all know
somebody, don't we?
1125
00:52:59,223 --> 00:53:01,457
We all have a family
member, a neighbor,
1126
00:53:01,459 --> 00:53:03,959
somebody we went to school
with, somebody at work,
1127
00:53:03,961 --> 00:53:07,329
somebody down the street,
somebody we heard about.
1128
00:53:07,331 --> 00:53:10,399
They put off going
to the doctor.
1129
00:53:10,401 --> 00:53:14,002
Or they went but they didn't
have enough health insurance.
1130
00:53:14,004 --> 00:53:15,604
And even with Obamacare
1131
00:53:15,606 --> 00:53:18,040
we still have almost
thirty million
1132
00:53:18,042 --> 00:53:20,909
with no health insurance.
1133
00:53:20,911 --> 00:53:23,545
These are our fellow Americans.
1134
00:53:25,249 --> 00:53:27,749
And yet Hillary was attacked,
1135
00:53:31,288 --> 00:53:33,288
she was humiliated.
1136
00:53:33,290 --> 00:53:36,758
You remember this,
when this happened?
1137
00:53:36,760 --> 00:53:39,595
People in Congress were
like "Get rid of her.
1138
00:53:39,597 --> 00:53:40,696
"She's not the President.
1139
00:53:40,698 --> 00:53:43,165
"Nobody elected you."
1140
00:53:43,167 --> 00:53:45,467
And it went down to defeat.
1141
00:53:51,675 --> 00:53:53,876
And it never got
brought up again did it,
1142
00:53:53,878 --> 00:53:56,845
until Obama started
bringing it up.
1143
00:53:58,749 --> 00:54:00,682
Never got brought up again.
1144
00:54:00,684 --> 00:54:04,953
And they forced her to
change into someone else.
1145
00:54:04,955 --> 00:54:06,922
She was told to shut up.
1146
00:54:06,924 --> 00:54:11,159
And she started baking the
cookies and hosting the teas.
1147
00:54:12,863 --> 00:54:16,031
I don't know,
something's wrong here.
1148
00:54:16,867 --> 00:54:18,867
In a way we have a chance
to redeem ourselves,
1149
00:54:18,869 --> 00:54:20,536
don't we, for this.
1150
00:54:24,208 --> 00:54:26,642
It's possible, I don't know.
1151
00:54:26,644 --> 00:54:29,077
You know when you've
got the Pope saying
1152
00:54:29,079 --> 00:54:31,580
that what you're doing is a sin,
1153
00:54:31,582 --> 00:54:35,717
that it's a sin not to help
someone when they're sick,
1154
00:54:35,719 --> 00:54:38,520
and not have them worry
about how much it cost them,
1155
00:54:38,522 --> 00:54:41,790
because in the Bible
it says, right?
1156
00:54:41,792 --> 00:54:43,325
I mean Jesus laid it out,
1157
00:54:43,327 --> 00:54:45,494
I know you're not here
for a religion lesson,
1158
00:54:45,496 --> 00:54:47,095
but if you believe in that,
1159
00:54:47,097 --> 00:54:49,631
he lays it out
pretty clearly right?
1160
00:54:49,633 --> 00:54:52,034
But this new Pope he gets it.
1161
00:54:52,036 --> 00:54:54,403
What's the deal with him?
1162
00:54:54,405 --> 00:54:56,071
Whoa,
1163
00:54:56,073 --> 00:54:56,772
right?
1164
00:54:56,774 --> 00:54:58,073
I mean, he was,
1165
00:55:00,144 --> 00:55:03,545
he's like, he's like, I
got a theory about him too
1166
00:55:03,547 --> 00:55:05,714
because he was in
Buenos Aires, right?
1167
00:55:05,716 --> 00:55:07,316
During the time of the Junta,
1168
00:55:07,318 --> 00:55:08,917
during the time of
the generals, right?
1169
00:55:08,919 --> 00:55:11,453
When all those people were
killed, he was the guy.
1170
00:55:11,455 --> 00:55:12,854
He was the guy for the
Catholic Church there,
1171
00:55:12,856 --> 00:55:14,723
what did he do?
1172
00:55:14,725 --> 00:55:16,091
What did he say?
1173
00:55:16,093 --> 00:55:17,759
I don't remember anything.
1174
00:55:17,761 --> 00:55:19,561
I remember on the day
he was elected pope,
1175
00:55:19,563 --> 00:55:23,198
I remember thinking,
"Oh, this is not good."
1176
00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:26,902
And then within a
month, he's like,
1177
00:55:26,904 --> 00:55:29,471
"Okay, atheists go to heaven."
1178
00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:32,140
Atheists go to heaven?
1179
00:55:34,144 --> 00:55:35,944
He said if he could
personally apologize
1180
00:55:35,946 --> 00:55:37,112
to every gay and lesbian,
1181
00:55:37,114 --> 00:55:39,514
for the harm caused to them
by the Catholic Church,
1182
00:55:39,516 --> 00:55:41,216
he would like to do that.
1183
00:55:41,218 --> 00:55:44,686
Wow.
1184
00:55:46,624 --> 00:55:49,524
Then he said
capitalism is a sin.
1185
00:55:49,526 --> 00:55:50,425
Whoa!
1186
00:55:52,496 --> 00:55:53,729
Oh!
1187
00:55:53,731 --> 00:55:56,131
When he said that I
thought, oh my God.
1188
00:55:56,133 --> 00:55:57,633
I, actually I don't know
if you remember this,
1189
00:55:57,635 --> 00:55:58,967
I volunteered publicly to be
1190
00:55:58,969 --> 00:56:01,236
his soup taste tester, you know?
1191
00:56:01,238 --> 00:56:05,140
Like they're gonna kill
this guy for sure now!
1192
00:56:06,443 --> 00:56:09,111
He said, "When you die,
your pets will be in heaven
1193
00:56:09,113 --> 00:56:11,046
"there to greet you."
1194
00:56:11,048 --> 00:56:13,448
Aww, aww!
1195
00:56:15,586 --> 00:56:17,753
No this guy, right?
1196
00:56:17,755 --> 00:56:19,855
How did he get the job?
1197
00:56:19,857 --> 00:56:23,158
He must have kept
quiet all those years.
1198
00:56:23,160 --> 00:56:25,160
But he's thinking,
he's planning.
1199
00:56:25,162 --> 00:56:26,528
He gets all these
other cardinals
1200
00:56:26,530 --> 00:56:28,797
to think he's some
conservative asshole
1201
00:56:28,799 --> 00:56:32,034
from some South
American dictatorship.
1202
00:56:33,170 --> 00:56:37,239
Then they vote him in,
and they're like, "Whoa!"
1203
00:56:38,375 --> 00:56:40,709
They don't know what to do.
1204
00:56:41,912 --> 00:56:45,881
But he bided his time,
he bided his time.
1205
00:56:45,883 --> 00:56:50,185
And I've had this crazy
feeling lately, and I know,
1206
00:56:50,187 --> 00:56:53,822
I'm sorry to lay too much
optimism on you here tonight,
1207
00:56:53,824 --> 00:56:58,894
what if, what if Hillary
becomes our Pope Francis?
1208
00:56:59,396 --> 00:57:02,631
What if she has her
Pope Frank moment?
1209
00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:06,535
What if all this time, right?
1210
00:57:06,537 --> 00:57:08,870
This has been part
of her long game?
1211
00:57:08,872 --> 00:57:13,308
Like she's had this ambition
since she was a teenager.
1212
00:57:13,310 --> 00:57:15,844
When she was in college she
gave the graduation speech.
1213
00:57:15,846 --> 00:57:18,747
If you read her speech, it
reads like Bernie wrote it.
1214
00:57:18,749 --> 00:57:22,084
This is actually her
voice at the age of 22
1215
00:57:22,086 --> 00:57:24,586
giving her graduation speech.
1216
00:57:24,588 --> 00:57:25,887
Listen to this.
1217
00:57:26,957 --> 00:57:28,557
The struggle for an integrated life
1218
00:57:28,559 --> 00:57:32,127
existing in an atmosphere of
communal trust and respect
1219
00:57:32,129 --> 00:57:34,062
is one with
desperately important
1220
00:57:34,064 --> 00:57:36,598
political and
social consequences.
1221
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:38,033
And the word
consequences, of course,
1222
00:57:38,035 --> 00:57:40,368
catapults us into the future.
1223
00:57:40,370 --> 00:57:43,071
One of the most tragic things
that happened yesterday,
1224
00:57:43,073 --> 00:57:45,474
a beautiful day, was that
I was talking to a woman
1225
00:57:45,476 --> 00:57:46,908
who said she wouldn't
want to be me
1226
00:57:46,910 --> 00:57:48,577
for anything in the world.
1227
00:57:48,579 --> 00:57:50,829
She wouldn't want to live today
1228
00:57:50,830 --> 00:57:53,080
and look ahead to what it is
she sees, because she's afraid.
1229
00:57:53,083 --> 00:57:56,752
Fear is always with us, but we
just don't have time for it.
1230
00:57:56,754 --> 00:57:57,652
Not now.
1231
00:57:59,156 --> 00:58:00,055
Fear.
1232
00:58:00,057 --> 00:58:05,327
It's like the women of
Hillary's generation
1233
00:58:06,463 --> 00:58:10,432
were the first feminists
of the modern era.
1234
00:58:10,434 --> 00:58:12,501
They were raised by women.
1235
00:58:12,503 --> 00:58:14,336
Their mothers and grandmothers
1236
00:58:14,338 --> 00:58:16,004
had to go to work
during World War II
1237
00:58:16,006 --> 00:58:17,639
because the men were gone.
1238
00:58:17,641 --> 00:58:18,740
It was the first time
women were able to
1239
00:58:18,742 --> 00:58:20,776
leave the house and have a job.
1240
00:58:20,778 --> 00:58:22,644
And they worked in factories,
they worked in the office,
1241
00:58:22,646 --> 00:58:24,212
they ran the country.
1242
00:58:24,214 --> 00:58:26,047
They did all the work.
1243
00:58:26,049 --> 00:58:27,649
And then after the
war, the men came home
1244
00:58:27,651 --> 00:58:30,118
and they told the women
to go back to the kitchen,
1245
00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:32,420
and they did, most of them.
1246
00:58:33,757 --> 00:58:35,557
But they didn't,
1247
00:58:35,559 --> 00:58:37,959
they didn't leave or
forget what it was like
1248
00:58:37,961 --> 00:58:41,429
to have that freedom to
earn their own money.
1249
00:58:41,431 --> 00:58:43,765
The women of that
World War II generation
1250
00:58:43,767 --> 00:58:46,401
raised that next generation.
1251
00:58:46,403 --> 00:58:49,271
That's Hillary's generation.
1252
00:58:49,273 --> 00:58:52,174
There's women in here
tonight of that generation,
1253
00:58:52,176 --> 00:58:53,809
of my generation even.
1254
00:58:53,811 --> 00:58:56,478
You know what it
was like back then.
1255
00:58:56,480 --> 00:58:59,114
Younger people in here, I
gotta tell you something.
1256
00:58:59,116 --> 00:59:00,749
It was not pleasant
1257
00:59:01,552 --> 00:59:04,052
to stand up for what
you believed in.
1258
00:59:04,054 --> 00:59:05,287
It was not easy
1259
00:59:07,057 --> 00:59:10,792
to say, "I want it
to be this way."
1260
00:59:10,794 --> 00:59:12,727
The harassment
that they suffered,
1261
00:59:12,729 --> 00:59:16,364
the abuse that they
took at work, at school,
1262
00:59:16,366 --> 00:59:18,333
if they decided to stand up
1263
00:59:18,335 --> 00:59:20,702
they were sure to be alone,
1264
00:59:20,704 --> 00:59:22,337
other than a few other women,
1265
00:59:22,339 --> 00:59:25,307
young girls that were with them.
1266
00:59:25,309 --> 00:59:27,008
Hillary went through
this whole thing.
1267
00:59:27,010 --> 00:59:28,710
She went through the same thing.
1268
00:59:28,712 --> 00:59:30,345
I'm seeing some women
nod their heads,
1269
00:59:30,347 --> 00:59:32,347
you know what I'm talking about.
1270
00:59:32,349 --> 00:59:34,216
You know, getting pinched
on the ass everyday
1271
00:59:34,218 --> 00:59:36,151
was a common occurrence.
1272
00:59:36,153 --> 00:59:39,654
You could say all
kinds of shit to women.
1273
00:59:39,656 --> 00:59:41,756
You could threaten them.
1274
00:59:41,758 --> 00:59:43,124
There was no such thing as
1275
00:59:43,126 --> 00:59:45,994
battered spousal
abuse, whatever.
1276
00:59:45,996 --> 00:59:47,529
There was not a word for it.
1277
00:59:47,531 --> 00:59:49,898
And the shit that Hillary took
1278
00:59:49,900 --> 00:59:51,933
as a young woman,
1279
00:59:51,935 --> 00:59:55,337
marrying Bill Clinton,
going to Arkansas.
1280
00:59:55,339 --> 00:59:58,540
She decided that she was
going to have her own job.
1281
00:59:58,542 --> 01:00:01,409
She was going to work
for the Legal Aid Society
1282
01:00:01,411 --> 01:00:04,479
helping poor people
with free legal help.
1283
01:00:04,481 --> 01:00:08,884
And people in Arkansas
were like, "What's this?"
1284
01:00:08,886 --> 01:00:11,019
He lost his election,
1285
01:00:11,021 --> 01:00:13,054
according to the
pundits in Arkansas,
1286
01:00:13,056 --> 01:00:16,191
because she refused to
change her last name to his.
1287
01:00:16,193 --> 01:00:19,561
She was known as Hillary Rodham,
1288
01:00:19,563 --> 01:00:21,162
and all the papers,
everybody said,
1289
01:00:21,164 --> 01:00:24,065
"Well you know,
this is Arkansas."
1290
01:00:25,435 --> 01:00:28,003
And so to help him out
in the next election
1291
01:00:28,005 --> 01:00:29,738
she changed her name
1292
01:00:30,607 --> 01:00:33,508
to Hillary Rodham Clinton.
1293
01:00:33,510 --> 01:00:37,779
And to help him out further
on, she dropped the Rodham.
1294
01:00:37,781 --> 01:00:41,383
She was willing to subjugate
and submerge herself
1295
01:00:41,385 --> 01:00:45,520
to help him do this, and
to take the shit for it.
1296
01:00:46,790 --> 01:00:48,323
I have a theory about this,
1297
01:00:48,325 --> 01:00:50,659
I don't think she's
forgotten one bit of this.
1298
01:00:52,329 --> 01:00:56,331
I don't think she's
forgotten one single inch
1299
01:00:56,333 --> 01:00:59,034
of this abuse from the time
she was in high school,
1300
01:00:59,036 --> 01:01:02,837
all the way up until 10
o'clock this morning.
1301
01:01:04,241 --> 01:01:06,308
I think it's all there.
1302
01:01:06,310 --> 01:01:10,578
And I think that she's
been biding her time.
1303
01:01:10,580 --> 01:01:13,982
My hope, my optimism for this,
1304
01:01:14,651 --> 01:01:18,753
Hillary, if you're
watching this right now,
1305
01:01:18,755 --> 01:01:20,855
I have a feeling
somebody is going to
1306
01:01:20,857 --> 01:01:22,924
slip you a tape of this.
1307
01:01:24,528 --> 01:01:27,429
I just want to
tell you something.
1308
01:01:27,431 --> 01:01:30,131
I know you've been
waiting, and waiting,
1309
01:01:30,133 --> 01:01:34,436
and waiting, and waiting.
1310
01:01:34,438 --> 01:01:36,237
But you're not alone.
1311
01:01:37,474 --> 01:01:39,941
A whole bunch of the rest
of us have been waiting
1312
01:01:39,943 --> 01:01:44,212
for that glorious moment
when the other gender,
1313
01:01:44,214 --> 01:01:48,984
the majority gender, has a
chance to run this world,
1314
01:01:48,986 --> 01:01:53,521
to have real power, and
kick some righteous ass.
1315
01:01:56,026 --> 01:01:59,828
And we are counting on
you to do this,
1316
01:02:00,697 --> 01:02:02,864
right?
1317
01:02:12,442 --> 01:02:15,810
I wanna see what that world
looks like, don't you?
1318
01:02:18,749 --> 01:02:20,849
Where she's just gonna
go in there and says,
1319
01:02:20,851 --> 01:02:23,018
"Enough of the bullshit."
1320
01:02:23,854 --> 01:02:28,056
Inauguration Day, after
all the inaugural balls,
1321
01:02:28,058 --> 01:02:31,593
they pull up to the White
House, her and Bill to go in.
1322
01:02:31,595 --> 01:02:33,328
She says, "No Bill,
no, no, no, no.
1323
01:02:33,330 --> 01:02:35,997
"You're staying at Blair House.
1324
01:02:35,999 --> 01:02:38,266
"I'm gonna go in here
and run the country
1325
01:02:38,268 --> 01:02:41,002
"the way it should've been run."
1326
01:02:42,005 --> 01:02:43,705
And then she goes in there
and she just starts signing
1327
01:02:43,707 --> 01:02:45,907
one Executive Order
after another.
1328
01:02:45,909 --> 01:02:47,675
Her first 100 days, right?
1329
01:02:47,677 --> 01:02:49,077
Like FDR,
1330
01:02:49,079 --> 01:02:50,445
like doesn't need Congress,
1331
01:02:50,447 --> 01:02:51,946
just start signing
Executive Orders.
1332
01:02:51,948 --> 01:02:53,782
Immigrants, you stay.
1333
01:02:53,784 --> 01:02:54,682
Signed.
1334
01:02:54,684 --> 01:02:58,319
Flint, Michigan, new water
pipes for you, signed.
1335
01:03:01,091 --> 01:03:02,524
Food and Drug Administration,
1336
01:03:02,526 --> 01:03:06,327
high fructose corn
syrup banned, signed.
1337
01:03:08,565 --> 01:03:12,901
Prisons, release all
non-violent drug offenders now.
1338
01:03:12,903 --> 01:03:14,536
Signed.
1339
01:03:20,010 --> 01:03:23,545
Justice Department,
prosecute all police
1340
01:03:23,547 --> 01:03:28,216
who kill unarmed
black men now, signed!
1341
01:03:31,154 --> 01:03:32,887
Well that's my hope.
1342
01:03:34,091 --> 01:03:37,425
And after that, after she
signs these Executive Orders,
1343
01:03:37,427 --> 01:03:39,594
then she puts on those
shit-kicking boots
1344
01:03:39,596 --> 01:03:43,465
that Beyonce wore on the
football field,
1345
01:03:43,467 --> 01:03:45,834
and she goes up to Capitol
Hill, and she says,
1346
01:03:45,836 --> 01:03:48,336
"Okay, I'm here to
end the gridlock.
1347
01:03:48,338 --> 01:03:49,404
"No kumbaya.
1348
01:03:51,508 --> 01:03:53,641
"Who's up for it?"
1349
01:03:53,643 --> 01:03:56,211
Because the average American
believes in fairness.
1350
01:03:56,213 --> 01:03:58,113
They believe women should
be paid the same as men.
1351
01:03:58,115 --> 01:03:59,481
They want to drink clean water,
1352
01:03:59,483 --> 01:04:01,716
they want to breathe clean air,
1353
01:04:01,718 --> 01:04:05,854
the majority of Americans do
believe in climate change.
1354
01:04:05,856 --> 01:04:07,789
And if these guys aren't
gonna do their job,
1355
01:04:07,791 --> 01:04:10,758
she'll make them do the job.
1356
01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:13,461
And she can be our Pope Francis,
1357
01:04:13,463 --> 01:04:15,630
maybe, right?
1358
01:04:16,466 --> 01:04:19,334
But here's what I, this
is, I want to say this
1359
01:04:19,336 --> 01:04:22,003
just to close out, because
1360
01:04:22,005 --> 01:04:26,241
I think that this
isn't gonna happen
1361
01:04:26,243 --> 01:04:27,742
if we leave her on her own again
1362
01:04:27,744 --> 01:04:32,747
the way we abandoned her back
during the healthcare days.
1363
01:04:32,749 --> 01:04:35,550
She's gonna need a
revolution behind her,
1364
01:04:35,552 --> 01:04:37,185
the Bernie revolution.
1365
01:04:37,187 --> 01:04:38,753
That's what Bernie
says, November 9th,
1366
01:04:38,755 --> 01:04:40,788
the day after the
election, right?
1367
01:04:40,790 --> 01:04:45,193
It's our responsibility
to hold her to her word,
1368
01:04:45,195 --> 01:04:47,762
but also when she
does follow through
1369
01:04:47,764 --> 01:04:51,232
to be there to support
her, and get behind her.
1370
01:04:51,234 --> 01:04:54,836
And let me say this,
if for some reason
1371
01:04:56,006 --> 01:05:00,175
she goes back on her word,
she doesn't do these things,
1372
01:05:00,177 --> 01:05:02,577
and after two years of this,
1373
01:05:02,579 --> 01:05:04,913
she hasn't done what
she said she's gonna do,
1374
01:05:04,915 --> 01:05:10,585
I am here tonight in Wilmington,
Ohio to announce to you
1375
01:05:10,587 --> 01:05:14,889
my candidacy for president
of the United States in 2020!
1376
01:05:17,627 --> 01:05:18,893
I will run!
1377
01:05:18,895 --> 01:05:19,861
I will run!
1378
01:05:22,098 --> 01:05:25,266
I know Kanye has already
said he's gonna run,
1379
01:05:25,268 --> 01:05:28,503
I'll run with Kanye and
Kanye can run with me.
1380
01:05:28,505 --> 01:05:32,574
I will run for President
of the United States!
1381
01:05:32,576 --> 01:05:36,177
And ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
1382
01:05:36,179 --> 01:05:38,813
let me tell you
what I'm going to do
1383
01:05:38,815 --> 01:05:41,749
if you elect me
president in 2020.
1384
01:05:41,751 --> 01:05:45,987
Number one, there will be one
charge cord for all devices,
1385
01:05:47,190 --> 01:05:51,426
your phone, your tablet, your
computer, one charge cord.
1386
01:05:52,929 --> 01:05:57,098
If you elect me president,
free HBO for all Americans!
1387
01:05:57,100 --> 01:06:00,969
Yes!
1388
01:06:00,971 --> 01:06:03,938
I will save the
US Postal Service
1389
01:06:03,940 --> 01:06:08,109
by having every mailman
and mailwoman, on Friday,
1390
01:06:08,111 --> 01:06:11,913
deliver one gram of
weed to your mailbox,
1391
01:06:11,915 --> 01:06:14,082
everybody, everybody!
1392
01:06:16,068 --> 01:06:18,051
For the weekend, two joints,
1393
01:06:18,054 --> 01:06:20,755
two joints for all
Americans every weekend!
1394
01:06:20,757 --> 01:06:23,157
It will be a better weekend.
1395
01:06:25,328 --> 01:06:26,561
When I'm president,
1396
01:06:26,563 --> 01:06:30,265
only women will be able
to buy and own guns.
1397
01:06:31,901 --> 01:06:33,668
I will bring down
the murder rate
1398
01:06:33,670 --> 01:06:36,371
significantly with this plan.
1399
01:06:36,373 --> 01:06:38,439
In case we need to go to war,
1400
01:06:38,441 --> 01:06:41,276
the first people on the
ship over to the war
1401
01:06:41,278 --> 01:06:44,045
will be the
offspring of the CEOs
1402
01:06:44,047 --> 01:06:48,116
and the members of Congress,
they will go first.
1403
01:06:49,786 --> 01:06:53,388
When I'm president,
corporations will not be people.
1404
01:06:55,892 --> 01:06:59,193
We're gonna have a new national
anthem, one we can sing,
1405
01:06:59,195 --> 01:07:03,231
and one that doesn't have
a racist third verse.
1406
01:07:03,233 --> 01:07:05,133
Our new national anthem will be
1407
01:07:05,135 --> 01:07:08,036
We Are the Champions
of the World.
1408
01:07:09,706 --> 01:07:12,373
We're gonna have new enemies,
1409
01:07:12,375 --> 01:07:15,610
no more of this North
Korean and Iran shit.
1410
01:07:15,612 --> 01:07:18,980
Our new enemies will be
Monsanto and Wells Fargo.
1411
01:07:24,120 --> 01:07:27,855
And finally, during my four
years in the White House,
1412
01:07:27,857 --> 01:07:30,158
there will be free banana splits
1413
01:07:30,160 --> 01:07:32,560
for every American on
the Fourth of July,
1414
01:07:32,562 --> 01:07:34,729
sent to you from
Wilmington, Ohio.
1415
01:07:34,731 --> 01:07:37,999
Everybody's gonna work,
everybody's gonna work here.
1416
01:07:40,704 --> 01:07:42,437
And let me tell you,
1417
01:07:43,940 --> 01:07:45,173
as we close,
1418
01:07:45,175 --> 01:07:47,875
I just want to say a
word again about Hillary
1419
01:07:47,877 --> 01:07:51,079
and you still don't like
her, you still hate her.
1420
01:07:51,081 --> 01:07:53,715
You don't wanna vote for her.
1421
01:07:53,717 --> 01:07:56,918
Let me just say this
to you very sincerely.
1422
01:07:56,920 --> 01:07:59,887
I'm gonna ask you to make a
sacrifice for your country.
1423
01:07:59,889 --> 01:08:02,357
And I'm not gonna ask
you to stop hating her.
1424
01:08:02,359 --> 01:08:05,993
If you want to hate her, just
keep hating her, all right?
1425
01:08:05,995 --> 01:08:08,396
I don't want to try and
convince you any more of this.
1426
01:08:08,398 --> 01:08:09,931
If you hate her, hate her.
1427
01:08:09,933 --> 01:08:13,101
I want you to get up on
Election Day on November 8th,
1428
01:08:13,103 --> 01:08:14,235
and I want you to
wake up out of your
1429
01:08:14,237 --> 01:08:16,337
Hillary nightmare dream.
1430
01:08:16,339 --> 01:08:17,572
I want you to get in the shower
1431
01:08:17,574 --> 01:08:20,041
and have a real
hate Hillary shower.
1432
01:08:20,043 --> 01:08:22,610
Suds yourself up,
rinse and repeat.
1433
01:08:22,612 --> 01:08:24,011
Then get in the car
1434
01:08:24,013 --> 01:08:25,646
and drive with all
the road rage you can.
1435
01:08:25,648 --> 01:08:27,582
"Oh, I hate Hillary!
1436
01:08:27,584 --> 01:08:29,517
"I hate her so much!"
1437
01:08:29,519 --> 01:08:31,486
And I want you to
drive to the polls,
1438
01:08:31,488 --> 01:08:33,688
I want you to
drive to the polls.
1439
01:08:33,689 --> 01:08:35,889
Get out of the car, walk in
there, go in the voting booth,
1440
01:08:35,892 --> 01:08:37,358
and you're gonna see
her name on the ballot
1441
01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:41,028
and you're gonna go,
"Mother fucking Hillary!
1442
01:08:41,030 --> 01:08:42,497
"No way!"
1443
01:08:42,499 --> 01:08:46,067
But yes way, way because
America needs you.
1444
01:08:46,069 --> 01:08:48,936
You're gonna do this for
your country, all right?
1445
01:08:48,938 --> 01:08:50,371
Keep hating her, though.
1446
01:08:50,373 --> 01:08:52,206
Keep hating her all you want.
1447
01:08:52,208 --> 01:08:53,708
But just pick up that pen.
1448
01:08:53,710 --> 01:08:54,709
Pick up that pen.
1449
01:08:54,711 --> 01:08:55,977
You might need the other hand.
1450
01:08:55,979 --> 01:08:57,345
Hold it down, hold your arm,
1451
01:08:57,347 --> 01:08:59,380
"No, I can't I hate her!"
1452
01:08:59,382 --> 01:09:00,982
Yes, I know.
1453
01:09:00,984 --> 01:09:04,685
"No, don't
make me Mike, no!
1454
01:09:04,687 --> 01:09:05,586
"No, yes!"
1455
01:09:05,588 --> 01:09:06,587
Do it!
1456
01:09:06,589 --> 01:09:08,122
Boom.
1457
01:09:08,124 --> 01:09:11,192
"Oh, I feel so awful.
1458
01:09:11,194 --> 01:09:14,462
"I voted for Hillary Clinton."
1459
01:09:14,464 --> 01:09:17,698
That's okay, feel
awful, you should.
1460
01:09:17,700 --> 01:09:20,168
Go home, keep
hating all you want,
1461
01:09:20,170 --> 01:09:22,503
but you've done something
good for this country.
1462
01:09:22,505 --> 01:09:24,305
And on that night, at 11pm,
1463
01:09:24,307 --> 01:09:26,741
when the poll results come in
1464
01:09:26,743 --> 01:09:28,075
and we find out
that we've elected
1465
01:09:28,077 --> 01:09:30,845
the first woman president
of the United States,
1466
01:09:30,847 --> 01:09:33,314
we are all gonna
rejoice, aren't we folks?
1467
01:09:34,918 --> 01:09:37,952
We are all gonna
have a big party.
1468
01:09:37,954 --> 01:09:39,020
A big party.
1469
01:09:40,056 --> 01:09:41,722
And we're gonna celebrate.
1470
01:09:41,724 --> 01:09:45,893
We're gonna go and dig up Vince
Foster and kill him again!
1471
01:09:45,895 --> 01:09:47,995
Thank you everybody, good night!
1472
01:09:51,201 --> 01:09:54,402
Thank you, thank you!
1473
01:09:58,441 --> 01:09:59,340
Go vote!
1474
01:10:01,044 --> 01:10:03,277
Go vote, Ohio!
1475
01:10:04,047 --> 01:10:05,146
Trumpland!
1476
01:10:09,419 --> 01:10:11,085
Thank you everyone!
1477
01:10:30,306 --> 01:10:33,207
Mexicans up there,
don't forget to pay!
1478
01:10:33,209 --> 01:10:36,410
When you leave the wall, you
have to pay for that wall.
112427
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