Original subtitles

So? (whispers): No.

No. You-You were in.

I said, "Have you met Ted" and everything.

How could that not work? I don't know,

we introduced ourselves, I bought her a drink,

told her I loved her...

What? I'm kidding.

Hold on, Roxanne.

You played "Have You Met Ted" without me?

In m bar with my Ted?

Maybe stealing a bro's wingman is okay back in...

I'm sorry, what's the name of this third world banana republic

you claim to be from?

Canada.

I have literally never heard of that place.

When'd you move here, anyway?

Two months ago.

How do you like it? Honestly,

it-it's been a little tough.

I moved here for this on-air reporter job at Metro News 1

thinking it was gonna be my big break,

only to find out

that our viewership mostly consists

of DMV waiting rooms

and people plugging in their TV for the first time.

(chuckles)

To top it all off, I have no friends.

Um... wrong.

You have four friends right here.

Right, guys? Uh, yeah.

You're totally in our gang, now. And once you're in,

you're in for life, right?

She's in. Oh. All right.

She's in. Welcome.

Well, if I'm in, I should get the next round.

Whoa, whoa, Ooh,

I like this girl. ho, ho.

I'm serious, I like this girl.

So here's the deal with the deal.

Robin's my new best friend--

nobody bangs her.

Hey, hey,

hey, she only rejected me

three times, she's still very much in play.

I'm serious.

There's only one way I'd let either of you have sex with her.

(gasps) Not that. It's never that.

I really want this girl

to stay a part of our lives.

So the only way you're allowed to hook up with her...

is if you marry her.

Too rich for my blood.

TED: That son of a bitch did it.

He really did.

So you're moving to Chicago tomorrow, huh?

How do you feel?

Uh, I'm looking forward to it.

The job's amazing.

I got a great apartment lined up.

You know, it's...

It's exciting.

Onwards and upwar...

*

*

BARNEY: Hey! Bass player.

It's me. The guy from the drug store with the diapers

that hit on you, then we went outside

and had a deep, emotional talk on a bus bench.

Remember when you

told me to stop messing around

and go get the girl?

Well, check it. I got her.

(chuckles)

What about you? You still dating that guy?

Grape Scotch!

Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.

Right here, right here, Yeah,

I-I see you, Barney. right here, right here.

Good, great. Then it's time to play a little game

I like to call Have... Yeah,

Barney, I... No, no.

You are not getting out of Have You Met Ted.

There's a girl that you have to meet.

She is perfect for you. And has...

she met you? No, she has... not.

Think of all the sex you're gonna ha..

Barney.

I ha... I have to go.

What, now?

Yeah.

Y...

W-We have to do this outside.

Robin.

It's been a major pleasure.

Major Pleasure. Major Pleasure.

(chuckles) Come here.

(whispers): Congratulations.

(whispers): Thank you.

Oh, God, no, this is too real.

I can't handle this, Marshall's next.

Marshall.

Good luck out there in Chicago.

I'm gonna be kind of jealous of you, getting to have

Gazzola's pizza whenever you want.

You're gonna be in Rome.

Yeah. I guess.

I just...

I feel like a hug isn't enough.

E.T. good-bye?

(imitating E.T.): I'll be right...

here.

Okay, it helped, but that was really creepy.

I don't want to see you for awhile. (laughs)

Barney.

Mm.

We licked the Liberty Bell.

We did?

Yeah, you...

You don't remember that?

Uh, I've done a lot of cool stuff, Ted.

Oh, my God.

I just... I just realized:

Who am I gonna high five now?

(laughs) Come on, dude. No, no,

I'm being serious. What if I see...

a pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus?

Or, better yet,

what if I see boobs?

Who am I... who am I gonna high five then?

You can high five Marshall.

Yeah, yeah. But Marshall

only likes to high five about Lily boobs.

Oh, always.

Okay, Barney.

I have an idea.

One last high five.

A high five to echo throughout eternity.

Yes.

And within that high five will be

all the high fives we've ever high fived.

And all the high fives we could ever possibly high five.

A high infinity.

A high infinity, exactly.

Let's do this.

All right, everybody back up.

Oh, boy.

I'll see you on the other side, Ray.

Nice working with you, Dr. Venkman.

(Ted and Barney growling)

TED and BARNEY: Aah!

(slap) Ow! Ow!

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Worth it.

So worth it. (short laugh)

So I rushed out to make the train,

which is now 45 minutes late.

This lady with the bass guitar--

was she pretty?

*

Yeah.

She was beautiful.

Go back and meet her.

No.

But what if it was destiny?

Lady, it's been a really long weekend.

I'm moving to Chicago tomorrow.

I can't really talk destiny right now.

Okay.

Yes?

What if the universe sent you a gigantic sign

that this woman was your destiny?

Then would you talk to her?

Yeah, sure. I mean, I-I guess I would have to.

Okay.

Okay.

Where is that train?

Can I ask one more question?

What?

This girl with the bass guitar--

is that her?

That is her, isn't it?

(whoops) This is so exciting.

G-Go talk to her.

(whispers): All right. Just be cool, lady. Damn.

Why are you still sitting here?

Because I'm moving to Chicago tomorrow, remember?

And 24 hours from now,

my life is gonna be completely different.

MARSHALL: This is so strange, you know, now that Ted's

gone, it's just a... a different vibe.

You can just f-feel his absence.

Are you kidding me?!

Oh, hey.

What are you doing in New York?

Aren't you supposed to be in Chicago?

No... Oh.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

What? What?

I'm not moving to Chicago. Why?

I met a girl. You...

son of a bitch!

What is the matter with you?

How could you put us through that?

That good-bye was emotionally devastating.

A certain delicate flower cried all night in the shower.

And I was pretty bummed, too.

And now you're

staying because of some girl?

I mean, who is this person?

The bass player from the wedding band.

Oh, yeah, she's great. (gasps)

Love her. Right,

right?

What are you... What are you doing? Calling her.

Don't do this. Don't call her the next day.

You're blowing this. Huh?

Three days. You wait three days, Ted.

H-Hey, it's Ted. Hi. Um,

listen, do you ... do you want to have dinner tomorrow night?

Great.

It was clear I meant with me, right?

Same answer. Solid.

MARSHALL: Why does he keep doing this?

He meets 'em, he likes 'em way too much,

he goes way too big, too soon, and he ends up blowing it.

I can't take this anymore.

He's fallen in love so many times now.

Not like this.

This is different.

Come on, go talk to her.

Oh, and it'll all be because of me.

And I'll sing at your wedding. (laughs)

Y-You are gonna have a big wedding, right?

What? No. Just be cool, lady. Damn.

(sighs) And aren't big weddings kind of a young man's game?

You don't have a big wedding in your 30s.

If I do ever get married,

I'm keeping it simple.

BARNEY: A hot air balloon?

Well, yeah. I mean, when you're getting married

in a 17th-century castle in France and making your entrance

on a stagecoach with six white horses,

you kind of got to make a big exit. (chuckles)

How much are you spending on this?

Oh, like, a lot of money.

Mm. All of my money.

Look, I know you guys have been traveling a lot,

but you're coming, right?

Oh course. What... Duh.

(short laugh) (quiet laugh)

I'll get the next round.

Thanks.

I'd offer, but...

Castle.

Yeah.

So, how you guys doing?

I mean, Robin's really taking off at work, huh?

It's like, "Robin Scherbatsky, World Wide News, Caracas."

"Robin Scherbatsky, World Wide News, St. Petersburg."

"Robin Scherbatsky, World Wide News,

anywhere but New York, apparently." (laughs)

But it's great.

Uh, it's makes things super difficult for us,

but it's great. It's great.

It's great. It's great.

One more and I'll believe you.

It's great. (laughs) Sounds great.

Hey. Hi, hi. Sorry I'm late.

Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure. Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy?

I got a castle guy.

I've got, like, three castle guys.

And a moat guy, so...

I didn't wire the payment because

I don't think we can get married in September.

What-What, why? Because,

when I do get married,

I kind of want to fit

in... my dress.

Why wouldn't you f...

No.

Yeah.

No. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Whoa. (laughing)

What's going on?

She's getting a boob job.

LILY: We just peeked in on Penny

asleep in the baby room.

It's adorable.

The whole place looks great, guys.

But I can't believe you let Ted hang his jousting lance

from the renaissance fair on your bedroom wall.

(chuckles) Yeah.

That's Ted's.

So, Marshall, how's your job going? Mm.

My chair...

is reasonably comfortable.

For short periods of time.

Marshall has decided to say

only positive things about being back in corporate law.

So you hate it?

Much of what I do does not make me cry.

Hey, what about you guys?

How was Argentina?

Great. It was great.

It was great. It was great.

It was great. It wa great.

It was great. (chuckles)

One more and I'll believe you.

(sighs) (sighs)

This is so not great.

I'm sorry that I have to work while I'm here.

It's called being on assignment.

Well, what about me? There's no Wi-Fi in this hotel.

How am I supposed to run a business, Robin,

with no Wi-Fi?

It's not a business, Barney, it's a blog, okay?

It is a lifestyle blog.

For the upscale, sophisticated urban gentleman, and it's

never gonna take off if I can't post today's boner joke.

I know I'm always traveling.

We both hate it when I'm gone, we both hate it

when I drag you with me. Neither of us is happy.

Is this just not working anymore?

Wait, w... What "this"? This-this?

If I gave you an out, right now--

if there was an exit ramp right here

at the three-year mark--

would you take it?

Before I answer that, real quick:

you want to get super drunk and have sex right now?

Of course.

And then, one thing led to another.

And then another.

And then another after that.

Oh. Oh.

And we kept drinking, and

may have had a little... too much.

Arigato.

Wow, these rooms all look the same,

even when you're sober.

You're sober?

So, um...

about what we discussed last night.

How do you feel?

I love you, Robin.

And when we got married,

I made a vow that I would always tell you the truth.

We got divorced.

I can't believe you got divorced without telling us.

This is my mom and dad all over again.

Barney, if you start brewing your own beer now

and nail my prom date, so help me...

Years too late on one of those, Teddy.

Guys, it's okay.

This isn't a failed marriage.

It's a very successful marriage

that happened to only last three years.

You both want this?

For real?

We do.

For real.

Lily, you okay?

Of course I'm not okay.

This ruins everything.

Now we have to choose sides,

and obviously we're gonna choose Robin,

but Barney has his moments.

MARSHALL: I really liked

the boner joke of the day.

Look, you guys do not need to pick sides.

Nothing has to change. No. We've already broken up before

and we've stayed friends, remember?

As long as you promise me this won't mean we stop hanging out.

Okay.

I'm serious. I know, but, I mean,

we hardly hang out anymore anyway.

They live in the suburbs now,

and you two are about to have baby number three.

Please. You're so obvious.

Your gals are back up to a full C-cup,

and you've been sipping her drink all night long.

We didn't want to announce anything

till we knew for sure.

Oh, my gosh, Lily!

That's amazing! Oh, congratulations!

Oh, my God. Wait, see?

This, right here,

this is why we can't fall out of each other's lives.

We have to be here for the big moments.

Just promise me, no matter what,

we will always be there for the big moments.

I-I promise. We'll-we'll always be there for the big moments.

Mm. See?

It's like this whole divorce thing never happened.

(crying)

I...

Hey. Hi, sweetie.

How was work?

My-my boss only called me three words

that meant "vagina" today.

How are the kids? Asleep.

Good. This is working, right?

Marvin and Daisy sharing a room together? It's not too cramped?

And then when the next one arrives,

we'll just put her crib... in the shower.

It's the perfect size. It'll save time on cleanups...

Let's move somewhere bigger.

Yes. Oh, thank God.

I mean... You know,

don't get me wrong. I love this apartment.

How do you say good-bye to so many special memories?

Cock-a-mouse! We have to move!

(dance music playing) (laughs)

Hey, Marshall. Robin!

Hey, I'm so glad you're here. It's-it's been forever.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Where's your... where's your costume?

Oh, uh, it's been a crazy week at work

so no time to go shopping.

Uh, well, who are you supposed to be?

Okay, I want to make it clear this is not my idea.

I'm Captain Ahab.

Why is it bad if it was your idea?

Robin, you made it! A white whale. Got it. (chuckles)

Aw. Hi. Hi.

Yeah, I figured,

people are thinkin' it. Might as well steer into the skid, right?

Where's your costume?

Oh, you know, I've just been so...

(squealing) Oh, my God, Marshall!

Guess whose digits I just scored?

The slutty police officer's...

tax attorney.

Hey, Robin!

Hey. Didn't see you there.

(chuckling nervously) Saved it.

Sorry, I got to pee.

I-I'll be back in... an hour.

Oh, man.

Is Ted still wearing his hanging chad costume?

How old is that thing? It's gone

from played out to charmingly retro and back

six or seven times now.

Kind of like Ted himself.

Tonight it's working for him though.

ROBIN: How do you do this, Ted? How do you

sit out here all night on the roof in the cold

and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?

Look, I know that odds are the love of my life

isn't gonna magically walk through that door

in a pumpkin costume at...

2:43 in the morning, but...

this seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know...

sit and wait.

Um...

uh, c-can you tell Lily I-I had to go?

I got to split.

(sighs)

Speaking of splits, do you think I can do a split in midair

like my boy David Lee Roth?

I know you can't.

Challenge accepted.

BARNEY: Oh, my scrotum!

(sighs)

I can't get out of this thing.

I'm holding it.

Wait, are you leaving? Yeah,

I got a big day tomorrow. I got to get some sleep.

No, you can't leave. This is a big moment.

We're saying good-bye to the apartment.

The whole gang has to be here.

The gang?

Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily?

Here's what the gang is:

the gang is a married couple

who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid;

it's my ex-husband,

hitting on slutty cops right in front of me;

and it's the guy I probably should have ended up with

with the beautiful mother of his child.

Oh...

Oh, oh, so... so what?

This is all

just over then?

Our whole friendship is just over?

No. No, of course not. Look, we'll...

we'll always be friends. It's just...

never gonna be how it was.

It can't be.

And that doesn't

have to be a sad thing.

There-There's so much wonderful stuff happening

in all of our lives right now.

Look, more than enough to be grateful for.

But the five of us hanging out at MacLaren's,

being young and stupid...

(sighs) that's just not one of those things.

(sighs) I got to go.

Good night, Lily.

Good night.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org