All language subtitles for Dying to be me! Anita Moorjani at TEDxBayArea.en

Translator: Delia Bogdan
Reviewer: Denise RQ

It's such a thrill for me to be here.

And I'm so happy to see all of you.

You know, one of the biggest reasons
that I'm happy to be here

is because I shouldn't be alive today.

I should have died
on February, 2, 2006.

That was supposed to be
my last day here, in this physical life,

because on that day, the doctors
had told my husband and my family

that I only had a few more hours to live.

I was dying from N-stage lymphoma,

which is a form of cancer
of the lymph nodes.

I had struggled with cancer
for four years up to that point.

For four years, this disease
had devoured my body.

It had traveled
through my lymphatic system.

It started with a lump in my neck,

and then, it spread
throughout my lymphatic system

and by that point,
by the end of four years,

I had tumors,
some of them the size of lemons

that had spread from the base of my skull

all around my neck, down into my chest,

under my arms,
and all the way to my abdomen.

By that point also,
even before I had gone into the coma,

my lungs had been filled with fluid,

and every time I would lay down,

I would choke on my own fluid.

My muscles had completely deteriorated

so I weight about 85 pounds.

I looked like just a skeleton
with skin on.

I had these big gaping-opened skin lesions

where the toxins
were oozing out of my body.

I wasn't able to digest any food.

I had a persistent low grade fever,

I couldn't walk,
because my muscles had been deteriorated,

so I was constantly just lying down
or been taken around in a wheel chair.

I was connected
to an oxygen tank all the time.

I couldn't breathe
without the aid of oxygen.

And on that morning, on February, 2, 2006,

I went into a coma.

The doctors had said
these were my final hours

because now my organs had shut down,

my organs were failing;

so my family were told that if there was
anybody that had to see me before I died,

this was the time.

Unbeknownst to everyone around me though,

even though it appeared
that I was in a coma,

and my eyes were closed,

I was aware
of everything that was going on

all around me.

I was aware of my husband
who was distressed,

but he was by my side holding my hand.

I was aware of everything
the doctors were doing:

they were putting tubes in me,

they were removing fluid from my lungs
so that I could breathe easier.

I was aware of every single thing
that was happening.

It felt as though I had
a 360-degree peripheral vision.

I could see everything happening
all around my body.

But not just in the room
where my body was, but even beyond.

And it was as if I had expanded
out of my body.

I was aware of my physical body,

I could see it, lying there
on that hospital bed,

but I was no longer attached to that body.

It felt as though I could be everywhere
at the same time.

It was like wherever I put
my awareness, there I was.

I was aware of my brother,
who was in India.

My body, I was in Hong Kong.

This was happening to me in Hong Kong.

My brother was in India

and was rushing to get on a plane
to come and see me.

He wanted to see me
before I took my last breath.

And I was aware of that.

I felt as though I was with him.
I saw him on the plane.

And then I also became aware
of my father and my best friend,

both of whom I had lost.

Both of them had crossed over, had died.

But I became aware
of their presence with me,

as though they were guiding me
and communicating with me.

One thing that I felt
in this amazing expansive state,

I felt I was in like a realm of clarity,
where I understood everything.

I understood why I had cancer.

I understood that I was much greater,

in fact all of us are much greater
and more powerful than we realize

when we're in our physical bodies.

I also felt as if I was connected
to everybody,

like all the doctors
that were treating me, the nurses,

my husband, my mother, my brother,

and everybody, I felt as though
we all shared the same consciousness.

I felt as though I could feel
what they were feeling,

I could feel the distress
they were feeling,

I could feel
the resignation of the doctors.

But at the same time, I didn't get
emotionally sucked into the drama,

but yet, I understood
what they were feeling.

It's like we all share
the same consciousness,

it's like when we're not expressing
in our physical bodies,

you, and I, and all of us, we're all
expressions of the same consciousness.

That's what it felt like.

I felt as though my father
was trying to communicate with me

that it wasn't my time,
that I needed to go back into my body.

At first, I didn't want to go back,

because I still felt
as though I had a choice,

weather to come back or not.

So at first, I absolutely did not want
to go back into my body

because I couldn't see
a single good reason

to go back into this sick and dying body.

I was a burden on my family,
I was suffering, there was no good reason.

So I didn't want to go back.

But in the next instant,
it felt as if I completely understood

that now that I knew what I knew,

and because I understood
what caused the cancer,

I knew that if I chose
to go back to my body,

my body would heal very, very quickly.

And so, in that moment,

I made the decision to go back,

and I heard as though my father
and my best friend said to me,

"Now that you know the truth
of who you really are,

go back and live your life fearlessly."

And it was in those moments
that I woke up from the coma.

And my family was so relieved to see me.

And the doctors, they couldn't explain it.

The doctors were there,
and they were surprised,

but they were being very, very cautious,

because there was no way
of knowing; I was still so weak.

There was no way for anyone to know

weather I was going to stay out
of the coma, or heal, or go back.

But I knew I was going to be fine,
and I was telling my whole family,

"I'm going to be fine, I know
I'm going to be fine. It's not my time."

Within five days, the tumors
in my body had shrunk by 70%.

After five weeks, I was released
from the hospital to go home.

I was completely cancer free.

Now, what has happened

is that I've had to pick up
my life from that point,

and as you can imagine,

my life feels completely different.

It changed my view of the world.

That experience changed my view
of our physical bodies,

of my physical body, of illness,
and how I perceive the world.

I found it very difficult
to integrate back into life again,

after that experience.

And the best way I can think of
to explain what it feels like

would be to use metaphors.

And a metaphor that I like to use
is one of a warehouse.

I'd like you to imagine, if you will,

we are in a totally darkened warehouse

that's pitch black.

Just imagine that right now,

you're in a warehouse
that's completely pitch black,

and you can't see anything
because it's so dark.

You can't see anything
in front of you, anywhere.

But imagine that in your hand,
you hold a little flashlight.

Just a little flashlight.

And you switch on that flashlight,

and with that flashlight,
you navigate your way through the dark.

And you use just the beam
of that little flashlight

to navigate your way in the dark.

And everything that you see
in the warehouse

is only what you can see
with the beam of that flashlight.

Now imagine
if the beam is shining over there,

all you see is what's over there.

Everything else is in darkness.

You shine the beam over there,
and all you see is that spot there.

Everything else is in darkness
except for the light of the beam.

Now imagine one day big floodlights go on

so the whole warehouse is illuminated,

and you realize this warehouse is huge.

It's bigger
than you've ever imagined it to be.

And it's lined with shelves,
and shelves, and shelves

of all kinds of different things.

Every kind of thing you can imagine,
and things you can't even imagine,

all exist on these shelves,
side by side by side.

Some of these things are beautiful,
some not so beautiful,

some large, some small,

some things in colors
you've never ever seen before,

colors you've never imagined to exist,

and some things
that are strange and funny looking,

all exist side by side,

and you've seen some of them before
with your flashlight,

but many of them
you've never seen before

because your flashlight
had never shone on them.

Now imagine
if the lights go back off again,

and you're back to one flashlight.

Now, even though all of you can see
is what you see with the one flashlight,

the beam of one flashlight,

at least you now know

there is so much more that exists

simultaneously and alongside
the things that you can't see.

You now know
that just because you cannot see them,

you cannot experience it,
doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

You now know that
because you've had that experience.

That's what it feels like to me.

It feels like so much more exists
than what we believe,

so much more exists
than what we have experienced.

It's just beyond our flashlight.

And just to help you understand that
a little bit better,

I'd like to try a little game,
a little experiment with you.

I want you to look around the room
and find everything you can

that is shades of red,
everything from red to burgundy.

Just look around
and commit it to your memory.

As many as possible.
Commit it to your memory.

Because I'm going to ask you to recall it.

OK. Close your eyes, face to front.

Now how many things can you recall
that are blue in color?

(Laughter)

Almost none. Think about it, almost none.

Open your eyes and look around.

See how many blue things there were
that exist alongside the red,

but you didn't even notice it,
you didn't see it.

Why? Because you weren't aware of it.

The beam of that flashlight, what is that?

That is your awareness.

That beam is your awareness.

When you flash
your awareness on something,

it becomes your reality,
it becomes what you experience.

There can be something else
that's right under your nose,

but if your flashlight
is not shining on it,

you won't even notice it;
you won't even be aware of it.

Think about this,

think about all the billions of dollars
we're spending on cancer awareness.

Think about
all the cancer awareness campaigns.

Imagine if we put that much money,
energy, and effort into wellness awareness

what a different world we would have.

Imagine if we put
all our effort into peace

instead in into fighting and wars.

We would have a very different world
if we changed our awareness.

To bring it down
onto a more personal level,

I want to share with you
the five biggest lessons

I learned from this experience.

Number one, the most important thing
that I learned,

the most important thing we have here,
to focus our awareness on, is love.

That is number one.

And when I say love,
it's very easy to say, or for us to say,

"We need to love other people."

But one of the things I learned
is that one of the reasons I got cancer

is because I didn't love myself.

That's hugely important.

When we love ourselves,
we value ourselves.

When we value ourselves,
we teach people how to treat us.

When you love yourself, you find no need
to control or bully other people

nor do you allow other people
to control or bully you.

So loving yourself is as important
as loving everybody else.

And the more you love yourself,

the more love you have
to give other people.

Number two,
the next biggest lesson I learned,

was to live life fearlessly.

Most of us are brought up
on a diet of fear.

We're taught to fear everything.

I used to fear everything,
I used to fear cancer,

I used to fear eating the wrong foods,

I used to fear displeasing people.

I feared just about everything.
I feared failing,

and most of us are brought up
fearing everything.

And people think that fear keeps you safe;
that's actually not true.

Love keeps you safe.

When you love yourself,
and when you love other people,

you make sure that you keep yourself safe

and that you keep other people
out of danger's way.

Love keeps you much safer than fear does.

The third thing I learned
that is so important

is humor, and laughter, and joy.

We're born knowing this stuff.

We're born knowing
that it's important to laugh

because that's what kids do all the time.

We're born knowing love and fearlessness,

but it gets conditioned
out of us as we grow up.

Laughter is so important, and humor,
and finding your joy in life.

It's more important than any other
spiritual activity that you can think of.

If we had more laughter, in fact,
if even our politicians learn to laugh,

we'd have a very different world.

And if we had more laughter,
you'd have less people with illness,

you'd need less hospitals,
and you'd need less prisons as well.

The fourth thing I learned
is that life is a gift.

It really is.

Most of us live our lives
as though life is a chore,

but it shouldn't be that way.

And it's unfortunate

that only when we loose
something that we value

do we really realize the true value of it.

And it took me losing my life
to realize the value of my life.

And I don't want other people
to make the same mistake

which is why I'm standing here
sharing my message.

Because I don't want
people to realize when it's too late

the value of their life.

And your life is a gift.

Even the challenges
that come to you are a gift.

When I had cancer,

that was the biggest challenge
I could ever have,

but today when I look back on it,

I feel it's the biggest gift
I could have had.

People think that the cancer,

or even I thought,
the cancer was killing me,

but actually I was killing myself
before I got cancer.

The cancer saved my life.

All your challenges are gifts.

In the end, you will always find
that your challenges are a gift.

And if you're really challenged,
and it doesn't feel like a gift yet,

it means you haven't got to the end yet.

The fifth and final thing
which is so important that I learned

is that the most important thing for you
is to always be yourself.

Be as you as you can be.

Shine your light as brightly as you can.

Embrace your uniqueness.

Just realize who you are,
get to know who you are,

love yourself unconditionally,
and just be yourself.

And with those five things,

I invite you to go
and live your life fearlessly.

Thank you very much.

(Applause)