All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S04E12.The.Gang.Gets.Extreme.Home.Makeover.Edition.480p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

[Charlie]
Admit it, dude.
You totally cried.

[Mac] Yeah.
[Dennis]
I didn't cry, Charlie.

I saw tears coming out
of your eyes, man.

Extreme Home Makeover
will make the hardest man
soft.

- Oh, it makes everybody cry.
- Oh, that is really ridiculous.

Oh, is it?
You're the biggest thief
I've ever met in my life.

How am I a thief?
Dennis, do you know that she
is inheriting my house?

Of course he knows it.
He's the one who lost the house
by letting you into it.

And now since
I'm his next of kin,
the house belongs to me.

- [Groans]
- Frank, if you want to get your
house back, check it out.

Make a vision board,
put your house on it...
boom, you get the house back.

- What the hell's
a vision board?
- Oh, it's The Secret!

Yeah, The Secret
is a self-help book that Dee
read and explained to us.

It's about how you can get
whatever you want without
having to work for it.

All you have to do
is envision all the shit
in the world that you want,

cut pictures of it out and paste
it on a board, then you get it,
you get the stuff.

See how I got all these
sweet pics of Ty Pennington
from Extreme Home Makeover?

I'm gonna become like him.
I'm gonna have
that dude's life.

Yeah, now that's
Charlie's vision,
but it's not mine.

You see, my vision
is to have a gorgeous
yellow Lamborghini...

that I'm very much
looking forward to driving.

I'm gonna impregnate Danica
Patrick while getting drunk
in the Sahara desert...

on a dune buggy.

[Frank Cackling]

I hate to tell you this,
but this self-help stuff,
it's all bullshit.

It's a big scam.
Oh, is it, Frank?

That's funny 'cause that's
how I got the house.

See, I envisioned
the courts recognizing
how ridiculous it was...

that my son of a bitch
asshole mother
didn't leave me anything.

And then I did
some good deeds,
and boom... I'm rich.

- Mansion rich.
- Whoa, wait a second.

You didn't say anything
about doing good deeds.
Is that a part of this?

You have to do that.
You get back
what you put in.

Right! That makes sense. That's
probably why Ty Pennington
has such a sweet life.

Yeah, man. And he's got
great hair too.

Of course
he's got great hair!
He does have great hair!

You know, this has
got me thinking, guys.

It could be really beneficial
for us to go out and actually
do some good deeds.

Wait a second.
Maybe helping other people is
the best way to help ourselves.

Right, right.
So, like, what is the best way
you can help other people?

The best way in the world
to help other people.

What would
Ty Pennington do?
What would Ty Pennington do?

[Chattering]

What the hell are you doing
with my bowling ball?

It's no longer
a bowling ball, Frank.
It's now a wrecking ball.

We're gonna use it
to tear down a house and then
we're gonna build up a dream!

Yeah, baby. Then we get
our Lamborghinis, and our
Danica Patricks, and our...

Whatever we want.
Ooh, you guys. I wanna jump in
on this if that's okay.

I'm gonna need a butt load
of money to pay the property
taxes on my new mansion.

- On my mansion.
- Jesus, Frank. Really? Still?
Why do you care?

You don't even
wanna live there.
That's not the point, Deandra!

The point is, it is my house
and I should own it.

Help us out,
and the universe will probably
give it back to you.

I don't think so, Charlie.
See, I'm operating at
a much higher vibration,

which I think is gonna
counteract his attempts
at positive energy.

- I'll keep the house.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think that your energy's
more positive than mine?
Uh, yeah.

I want in on this
so I can screw over
Deandra.

You know what, man?
Perfect.

We were planning on using
your construction experience
and your connections anyway.

- I'll be the foreman.
- Yeah, great. Excellent.

Why don't you hop
on the renovations
with Charlie and I?

Mac, why don't you
get started on the family
makeover with Dee?

Family makeover with Dee?
No. I want to be a part
of the renovation team.

I know you do,
but the thing is, you...
Yeah.

You get so excited
about the smashing.
Yeah!

Then you make it competitive.
You turn it into
a competition.

That's bullshit!
Because I'm a better smasher
than you guys!

I should be on the head
of the smashing team!
Are you kidding?

You want to have
a smash-off?
A smash-off?

I'll prove it to you.
You can't even
help yourself, can you?

Okay, fine. Fine.
Dee and I are gonna
kick your ass, okay?

Because our makeover
is gonna be so much more
extreme than yours.

Oh, well, hold on a second.
Charlie, our renovations are
gonna be pretty extreme, right?

Yeah, but not as extreme
as what we're gonna do.

Let's agree that we're
gonna go about this in the most
extreme way possible, okay?

First things first.
Let's find a family to unleash
our extremeness all over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A desperate family that's gonna
yield us the highest return.

How 'bout the Mexican family
that moved in down the block?
Right!

What is their name?
The Juarez family, I think.

Oh, that's perfect.
Oh, we can help
the Juarez family!

Great.
Oh, they're good.
Their place is a real shit hole.

Okay, great.
Then the Juarez family it is.
It's settled.

Okay, okay, okay.
And I think I know the most
extreme way to go about this.

[Charlie]
Okay. Dee, you got
the blindfolds, right?

Do you guys think the blindfolds
are absolutely necessary?
The blindfolds are necessary.

They're there
to heighten the sense of
surprise and excitement,

creating an enjoyable
experience for the family.
Extreme!

Here's the thing. I couldn't
find any blindfolds per se, but
I did bring some plastic bags.

Jam them over their faces.
Why didn't you say so
10 minutes ago?

It's time! Here we go!
Here we go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Good morning, Juarez family!

Wake up, my brown friend!
It's time to change your life!
[Screams]

♪♪ [Hard Rock]
I said inspirational music!
What is that?

Yeah, man. Inspirational.
All right. That's cool.
That's cool, I guess.

Come here, you little rug rat!

Where are you going?
What's wrong, buddy?
Come on.

We're trying to help you.
Hey, where's your wife?
Oh, no!

Come on! You want me to
fix your house, don't you?
Where's your daughter?

- Where's your daughter?
- [Screaming]

Congratulations! Have we
got a surprise for you!

Okay! Hold still!

You can't run from
the kindness of strangers!

We are taking over
your house!
Your house is ours now!

Your lives are gonna
change forever!

Ah, it feels good to help
people, doesn't it?

It sure does!
Okay. Bag 'em.

And good-bye, Juarez family!

Yeah. All right!
Good job. Good job.
We did it, man.

Frank, foreman.
What's the plan?
Mr. Foreman.

Ah, the plan?
Yeah!

You guys get to work.
I'm gonna go hop in one of their
beds and get some shut-eye.

- I'm running on fumes.
- Oh, ho! Wait, man.
There's no time for that.

We're on a deadline here.
Now, when's your crew arriving?

- My crew? What crew?
- The construction crew.
When do those guys get here?

You're the crew!
That's the way I do it.

I hire two guys
and let them sweat it out.

All right.
Now keep it down because
I'm a very light sleeper.

♪♪ [Speakers:
"The Washington Post"]

Welcome to makeover
headquarters, Juarez family!

This is gonna be your home
for the next couple of days!

Hey, in order to assimilate you
with American culture,

we've decided to surround you
with all things American.

- [Mac Laughing]
- Who's ready for a makeover?

[Mac Laughs]
This one is.

Um, not that excited.
No. They're not
very excited at all.

What's up?
I... Okay. I think there might
be a bit of a language barrier.

Well, that
could be an issue.
Well, no, no, no. Hold up.

Somebody took
a couple of years
of Spanish in high school.

Oh! Okay.
You remember it?

I'm gonna dust off the cobwebs
and see if I can fire off
a couple phrases.

Tell them to relax,
first off, 'cause they
look a little tense.

And then, uh, we're gonna
build them a new house.

And a new life, just like
on Extreme Makeover on TV.

Okay. Okay.
Juarezes, sea fácil.

Su casa es no más.

Su vida es no más.

Somos extremos.

Como la televisión.

¿Sí?

- ¿Sí?
- Uh, sí.

- Sí. They get it! They get it!
- I still got it!

¡Somos... extremos!
Yeah! ¡Extremos!

[Dee]
Yeah, America!

[Dennis] All right.
[Charlie]
I tell you what, man.

The more I look at this place,
the nicer I think it is.
It's a nice place.

No, it's a very charming,
charming place.
Whoa!

What are you doing, dude?
What do you mean?

Why are you smashing stuff?
It's important that we
get rid of anything...

that will remind
the Juarez family
of their old country.

Bro, they're Americans now,
and Americans don't
hold onto the past.

Oh, the past isn't useful.
You gotta forget about it.
Not useful.

Okay, the past isn't...
We gotta gut
this entire place.

Here's what I'm thinking now.
After we get done smashing
all their old shit,

I'm thinking we
take out this wall.
You know what I mean?

Just let the room
breathe a little bit.
Okay.

And you think that's better
than just, like, ripping
the whole house down?

Yeah. Why...
Tearing the whole thing down?

Yes, dude. Were you planning
on destroying the entire house?
Yeah.

You can't demolish
the entire house.

That's what they do
on Extreme Makeover.
They rip the whole house down.

Do you know how to build
an entire house?
No. I don't know how to...

I know!
I hadn't thought that far...

We would have to build
a whole house.
We'd have to build...

I can't build a whole house.
Let's just smash the wall.

We'll start with the wall.
Then we'll throw a couple
of layers of paint up.

And then we'll get our
Lamborghinis and whatever shit
you have on your vision board.

Let me see if the lamp
takes a little dent out of it.
And here comes the pitch!

[Cheering]
But it didn't really
dent the wall though.

But it did break the lamp,
and that's part of it.

Well, that was fun.
So I'm gonna break this.

What's all the racket down here?

Hey, some of us are trying
to do some work here, Frank.
I don't know if you noticed.

Has anybody scored
on their vision board yet?

How on earth can we score
from our vision board, dude?
We just started.

Yeah! We've been doing this
for, like, 30 minutes.

Thirty minutes?
I feel like I've been
sleeping for a day.

What?
That broke bastard's bed
is soft as shit.

You think they got
any beer in the icebox?
You know what, man?

I could drink
a swimming pool.
You know what, Frank?

You are a terrible foreman.
Get... You know what?
Back me up on this, Charlie.

You're out of here, dude.
I think so. You're done.

You can't kick
the foreman out.
I'm the foreman.

I tell you what to do.
That's the way it works.

Oh, really?
You're gonna tell me
how it works?

I watch
Extreme Home Makeover.
I know how it works!

Charlie!
What?

That show is just
a bunch of manipulation
to get people to cry.

And then they
trick the viewers
into buying shit!

Buying shit?
What are you talking about?

Yes!
That show is about
how awesome Sears is!

No.
And how Sears products
save people's lives!

It's about caring and Sears!
Hey, hey. Shh.

Now, you don't see
Ty Pennington lose
his cool, do you?

You want to be like him?
Yeah.

Then just breathe for me.
Feel what I'm doing.

Yeah, dude. I just...
I'm sorry, bro.

But I get very passionate
about Sears.
No, I...

I mean,
Extreme Home Make...
I mean, wha...

Helping people.
Helping people.

Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh.
Don't stop.

Give me a hug.

[Speaking Spanish]

Baseball. Huh?

Frank, what the hell
are you doing here?

Those dickwads threw me
off my own work site!

So how's the old
vision board coming?
You getting everything you want?

We realized the reason why the
Juarez family hasn't achieved
the American dream yet...

is because they haven't
envisioned it strong enough.

So we're having them do
their own vision boards.
Ah.

Why don't you be a lamb
and pass out some materials.
What?

Go on.
Be helpful! Do something
positive with your life.

Piece of shit.
Magazines, magazines.

Here! Magazines.

Cut 'em out with this?
What are you looking at?

Frank, she doesn't understand
what you're saying.

You gotta say "corte."
That means "cut."
¡Corte! ¡Corte!

[Screaming]

Oh, no!
[Screaming]

I am gonna blast
your face off!
[Spanish]

I am gonna blast
your face off.
Shh! Shh!

No one's gonna
blast anything.
No one's gonna blast your face.

No one's gonna do that.
What did you say to her?

I said what you said to say
to her and she stabbed me in the
leg with the goddamn scissors!

Deal with it.
Deal with this.
All right.

Baje tu herramienta
de corte, por favor.

Um... Hombre está loco
con pistola.

Loco. Very loco.
Right?

Y hace peligro
para todos nosotros.

Yeah.
Okay. Careful. Watch it.

Um, um, um... No hace
que hombre le lastima.

¿Sí?
That makes sense, yeah?
Sí, sí, sí.

Oh, God.
I'm really good at this.
They got it.

Dennis! Yo.
Last-minute thing.

Gotta have this.
Brilliant idea.
We need a project for 'em, dude.

Huh?
So, we got ourselves
a little Mexican girl here.

I'm thinking, well, what does
a little Mexican girl love more
than anything else in the world?

Mmm. Tacos.
Tacos, buddy!

So, why not make for her
a taco bed?

You know what I mean?
Okay!

She gets to, like,
be in a taco every day.
So, okay.

I got yellow sheets.
That's cheese.
Green, guacamole.

Red little pillow for salsa.

I got cute little brown p.j.'s
so she gets to feel like ground
meat while she's sleeping.

She's the ground meat
in the middle.
She's the ground meat!

I like that, man.
That's a good idea.
Uh-oh.

Hey, what is this,
um, blowtorch for, man?

Well, that's a propane torch.
That thing's badass.
It's like a flamethrower.

Okay. But what function
is it gonna serve?

It's for the renovation, man.
It's for the controlled burns.
Oh.

I don't think they do
controlled burns, man.
Are you kidding me?

Bro, they definitely do
controlled burns on the...
They do it off screen.

Off screen!
How do you think they tear down
an entire wall so quickly?

They burn it up.
The community's got
a lot to do with it.

And then maybe it's for
burning the actual rubble.
It's for tearing stuff down.

Are you sure we need it?
I'm not sure we...
They take stuff outside...

I'm buying it,
so ring that up.
What are we looking at here?

That'll be $3,212.11.

We're just gonna go ahead
and put all this on the
Extreme Home Makeover account.

Ring it up.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Really?
Uh, we're performing
an extreme home makeover.

So do you not have
a button for that?
Yeah, yeah.

We're helping out
a family in need.
We're gonna do some good deeds.

We got a vision board thing
going. This is a legitimate
operation here, okay?

This is the real deal.
I got a whole taco bed...
You know what?

Um, if you just
give us the stuff,
we'll be on our way.

I'm sorry. We don't
just give stuff away.

Okay.
I don't know why you're
breaking my balls here.

Sears does this.
Okay, Sears gives
people stuff.

Sears doesn't
get anything out of it! Sears
doesn't come in and start...

Look, we don't have
any money, okay? What are
we supposed to do here?

I don't know what to tell you.

If you don't have
a bad credit history, you can
open up a store credit card.

Well, yeah.
Credit card, huh?

Yeah.

All right. Just go ahead
and sign right there,
and we're all set.

Now, this is smart.
The first step to becoming an
American, get a credit card.

We need this guy to build up
copious amounts of debt.

That's the best way
for him to build up his credit.
We're doing him a favor here.

We're doing him a huge favor!
And do you realize
how extreme this is?

To go from no debt to good,
old-fashioned American debt?
That's the way to do it.

Plus, I've been envisioning
someone else paying for
this thing the entire time.

I'm also envisioning him
unloading all the shit
into the car.

Well, that's a great vision.
Guys, no can do. We're on
a very tight schedule.

But we got him here.
Does anyone know why Frank has
been pointing a camera at us?

I'll tell you why.
Because I'm tired of
this Secret bullshit.

All it got me was
a stab wound in the leg.

So I'm gonna record
everything you do.
Why?

Because I know you're
gonna fail.

Then I can watch it
over and over again.
That's ridiculous.

Whatever, Frank.
You know, I'm glad you're
getting all this on tape.

Then we'll have proof
of how amazingly generous
we're being today.

You're gonna prove
that The Secret is real.

We are all done here,
so I'm gonna roll.
All right, grab him.

Thank you very much.
Let's go and do this.

Most gracias...
Good luck. All right.
Got the store card now.

Let's go ahead and ring that up.

[Charlie]
Bro, I'm not sure I have
the right look here.

No, you do, man. You just gotta
start thinking of the tool belt
as an extension of yourself.

It needs to reflect you
as an individual.
Do you feel that?

Is that all that it is?
That's all it is, bro.

How come you got awesome fray
on your shorts?
I don't have that.

Well, ha-ha!
That, sir, is because you
purchased blue jean shorts,

whereas I purchased
blue jeans and cut 'em,
thus the fray.

It's a more authentic look.
I think that's what
you're feeling.

And then why did you
cut them so high?
Way higher than mine.

I thought you might ask that.
It limits restriction
of leg movement.

You're gonna get more work done
'cause you got more legroom.
Exactly.

Are you sure about that?
Let me do a little
demonstration on you.

Take the tool belt off
for a second.
Yeah, yeah.

Let me just
demonstrate something.
Let's get a demo.

Take a wide stance.
Take the widest stance
that you possibly can.

Let me see
what that looks like.
Okay. Leg movement. This is...

Go wide as you can.
If I'm going wide...
and I'm being honest with you...

- I'm maxing out about here.
- That's not bad.

But check this out.

Go. Go, go.

Whoa! Any more?

That's it.
But that's pretty wide,
right?

That is good. You know?
And you're not getting
any high ride.

I'm getting a high ride,
but the shorts aren't preventing
me from doing what I need to do.

And that's the shorts.
That's exactly right, man.

See, your shorts, they're
holding you back, man.
That and your hips.

But I gotta tell ya,
the shorts aren't helping.

Oh, this... this is
really all good shit.
This is like gold.

What are you gonna do next?
You are catching
all this, right?

I got everything.
This is what we're
gonna do next.

Charlie, grab me
that propane torch.
I'm gonna burn the wall.

Let's go at it
with the wrecking ball
for a little while.

Really?
It'll be more extreme,
and kinda awesome.

Let's do that then.
You do the wrecking
ball thing.

I'm gonna do a little
introduction thing, then you
do the wrecking ball.

Do you want to wear the belt?
Mm-mmm.

I'm gonna be the only one
wearing the belt?
Just jeans and no shirt.

Wait. Can I see the stance
one more time?
Yeah.

- That... I can go lower.
- Bro, that is badass.

[Dennis] All right.
[Charlie]
Is yours wedged in too?

Mine is completely wedged in.

We can't even get anything
past the surface of this thing.

There's like a hard surface
past the thin surface.

Concrete or brick
or something behind...

I was envisioning this
being a lot easier than
it's turning out to be.

Use the blowtorch.
Great. It's time.

No. Hang on a second.
Let me grab the flame.

He's absolutely right.
I think I know
what the problem is.

Look, I'm the one
who watches Home Makeover.

I think I know what
we're not doing right here.
What?

We haven't brought
the neighborhood in yet.
Absolutely great idea.

Bring the neighbors in.
Oh, my neighbors are great.

[Whistles]
Yo. Hey, come here.

So did the neighborhood
rob us?
Oh, oh!

Did the neighborhood rob...
Yeah, Charlie. And they took
my goddamn tool belt!

I could not have anticipated...
You want to talk into
the camera and cry a little?

You invaded our face
with that camera, man!
You know what, man?

You know what? Just... [Sighs]
Get me the flamethrower.
I'm so sick of this wall.

I want to burn it up now!
Okay, it's time.

Okay, there's also
a fire extinguisher too.
Great.

I think we should
use this, man.
I think we should too.

So here's how
this is gonna go down.
I will light a fire on the wall.

Charlie, have that
extinguisher ready...

'cause I don't want
the fire to spread past
the parameters of this wall.

I will create a parameter
with the fire extinguisher.

The only safe way
to do this, okay?
It'll be perfectly safe.

Then once the wall's
all weakened from
the burned-up fires,

we're gonna kick it to pieces,
smash it, take the rubble
outside and burn that too.

Burn that too.
And then I'll put it out
with this. Perfect.

And then I'll get started
on my taco bed.
That sounds good.

Hey, hey, before you do that,
why don't you open that window
there and get a nice back draft?

Now he wants
to start helping us.

That's the first sensible thing
you've said all day, Frank.

It's extreme,
just like we are. Charlie,
go crank open a window.

Let's get a back draft going.
Frank, you ready?

I've never been ready
for anything more
in my entire life!

Well, all right.
Let's do this.

Well, Mac, I think we
have successfully pulled off
one extreme makeover.

Yeah. I love their eyes.

Now while we wait, I was
thinking we expose them...

to some good,
old-fashioned American cinema.

Oh.
Apocalypto.

They can learn about
how their ancestors
used to be savages...

until Mel Gibson
and the Catholics came in
and saved everybody.

Oh!

Oh, hey, Frank.
Hey, Frank.

You're just in time. Point
that video camera at the new
and improved Juarez family.

Whoa.
They look freaky as shit.

[Mac]
Wait till you get a load
of their ancestors.

Pop a squat, bro,
'cause we're gonna watch
a sweet-ass flick.

Oh, no, no, no.
I got something better to do.
Bag 'em and bring 'em with us.

Come on. Yes, let's go.

In fact, bag yourselves, too,
because I want this
to be a surprise.

Okay.
All right.

Come on. Right this way.
Keep walking straight.
[Dee] Frank. Goddamn it.

It's hard to breathe
in these bags.
Straight, straight, straight.

Okay.
Hold it right here.

All right now...
Excuse me. Please, come
over here... the family.

I want you on this side.
[Mac] My head is sweating
like shit, Frank!

All right.
Take the bags off.

Whoa!
You got... You got a bus,
just like in the show!

It's all about the reveal.
Ready?

Okay, yeah.
One, two, three!

[Together]
Move that bus!

[Frank Laughing]

[Frank]
Whoo!

Unbelievable.

I cannot believe the judge
made me give my mansion
to the Juarez family.

I can't believe
their name isn't Juarez.

Was anyone else
surprised by that?
It was a shocker.

Yeah. You know, it's a
broken system we got here.
It's a broken system.

But at least we managed to
avoid arson charges, right?
Boom.

That's good. Yeah.
Frank, I guess you're right.
The Secret's bullshit.

Yeah.
You try to help people, and you
just wind up getting screwed.

[Voices Speaking Backwards]