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1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:03,568
[Mac]
He really has an ugly face.
2
00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:05,615
[Dennis]Mmm, he does.He is certainly ugly.
3
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,118
But you know what?That's not really whatbothers me about this.
4
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,320
What bothers me is that he
looks like an old woman.
Right!
5
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,877
[Dennis] Yeah.[Mac]Well, he is wearing...
6
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:14,925
a lot of blush
on those cheekbones.
Right!
7
00:00:14,949 --> 00:00:17,694
But I feel like that
was the look of the times.
It's not just that though, Mac.
8
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:20,029
It's not. I mean,
a lot of presidents somehow
end up looking like women.
9
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,698
I mean, look at
Ronald Reagan. Right?
Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,401
- He looks...
- Why would you hang a painting
like this on your wall?
11
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:27,537
It's the historical society,
bro. They have to hang it up.
Right. Yeah.
12
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,273
We gotta suffer just because
some old dude who looks
like Meryl Streep...
13
00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:32,342
chopped down a cherry tree
10 million years ago?
14
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,334
It's just... He looks terrible!
15
00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:37,703
You know what?
Let's take it down.
16
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:41,005
It's just gonna distract us
through the meeting.
Yeah. Let's get it down, man.
17
00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:43,219
Let's take it down.
I'm gonna tear it down.
18
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:47,145
[Mac] It's gonna distract us.
Unbelievable.
It's bolted to the wall.
19
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,227
That proves our point, man.
We're not the first people who
tried to take that thing down.
20
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:53,463
Yeah, but we're gonna be the
first ones to actually succeed.
Let's tear it down, Charlie.
21
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:56,454
Let's just rip it
off the wall!
Whoa! Guys, guys, guys!
22
00:00:56,524 --> 00:01:00,058
I got a pocket knife.
Just cut it out of the frame.
[Dennis] That's a good idea.
23
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:03,139
I've had enough of this dude.
Just cut it
right out of the frame.
24
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,397
What are you doing?
25
00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:08,066
Oh. Uh...
26
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,135
Do you want this up?
27
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,204
Yes. Yes, I do.
Really?
28
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:16,107
- Uh, may I help you gentlemen
with something?
- Yeah. Yeah.
29
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:19,844
Actually, we're here because
we want to get our bar certified
as a historic landmark.
30
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,915
We want tourists to be able
to come by Paddy's Pub as part
of the walking tour of Philly.
31
00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:27,364
You know, they can come by,
soak up some history,
do some shots, get blasted.
32
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:30,789
In order to be considered
as a historical site,
33
00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:35,160
your bar would have to have
some historical significance.
34
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:39,798
Trust us when we tell you that
Paddy's Pub played an extremely
important part in history.
35
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:42,734
Mm-hmm. And what part
of history might that be?
36
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,443
The cracking of
the Liberty Bell,
of course.
37
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,006
So you're claiming
that your bar...
38
00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:24,709
had a direct role
in the cracking
of the Liberty Bell?
39
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,944
- Absolutely.
- Then tell me about it.
40
00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:30,181
Well, the year was 1412...
Oh, ooh. Oh, ooh, no.
41
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,128
Really?
Let Dennis... Let Dennis...
42
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,897
- Let me tell the story, Charlie.
- Okay. [Clucking Tongue,
Imitating Hoofbeats]
43
00:02:34,921 --> 00:02:40,625
Yeah. The year was 1776.
And Paddy's Pub, then known,
of course, as Patrick's Pub,
44
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,861
was a hotbed
of revolutionary activity.
45
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:48,600
Revolutionaries from all overthe country had come togetherto gather at Patrick's Pub...
46
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,636
to speak of war and revolution.
47
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,405
Will you look at that?
Sons of Liberty...
48
00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:58,276
Patriots meeting in our barspeaking of revolutionand freedom.
49
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:01,023
Can you believe it,
dear Brother? We're witnessing
history in the making.
50
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:04,749
I do not give a shit, Deandra.
Now get me a flagon of ale.
51
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,686
Get your own ale, dick.
Uh-uh!
You are my slave.
52
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,754
You have to get me
flagons of ale.
53
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:12,457
I saved you from being
burned at the stake
for being a witch!
54
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,438
You're the one who
accused me of being a witch
in the first place, Dennis!
55
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:17,796
Oh, well, what's done is done.
That's all in the past now.
56
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:21,600
So you can either be a slave
witch in the bar or you can be
a burned-up witch outside.
57
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:24,102
Up to you!
Flagon of ale now?
58
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:27,805
Guys, guys, guys!
I've got some news.
I've got some terrible news.
59
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,675
Oh, MacDonald,
how goes it?
Not good.
60
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,522
You know that chick
I've been banging
down at Independence Hall?
61
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,524
- Mmm, the fat one.
- Well, she's not that fat.
62
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,659
She's pretty fat, dude.
Good one, witch. [Laughs]
Pretty fat.
63
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:38,728
Well, whatever.
She told me
in complete confidence...
64
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,920
that a bunch of old dudes
down there are drafting
a declaration...
65
00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:46,090
A declaration of independence.
Wait. Why would we want
to be free from the British?
66
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,138
This declaration is gonna
start an all-out war.
67
00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:50,807
We have to make sure we are
not on the losing side!
Definitely.
68
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,976
Okay, clearly the British
are gonna win this thing.
Clearly.
69
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,112
All right. We have to make
sure that the crown knows
that we're on their side.
70
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:59,871
We have to make
our own declaration.
Yes.
71
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:03,541
Yes. We need to make
a declaration of dependence.
72
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:08,513
[Chattering]
73
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:13,317
Buy your pelts here.
We have raccoon.
We have foxes.
74
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:16,321
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Ho there, sir.
75
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:20,425
Now, my good gentleman, what
says you of my fine furs here?
Mmm!
76
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:24,496
Merrily, I be able to guide you
towards some interest
in some purchase?
77
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,643
I can't understand
what you're saying.
You wanna buy a fur?
78
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,367
Yeah!
In July? No, thanks.
79
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,270
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Not so fast now.
80
00:04:32,339 --> 00:04:35,051
It's a nice-looking cart
of pumpkins you got here.
Mmm!
81
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:40,745
Uh, what says you we maketh
some trade, hmm? All of my furs
for all your pumpkins?
82
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:44,482
No.
All right.
I-I-I-I-I-I...
83
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,385
One pumpkin.
Deal.
84
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,832
All right then! [Chuckles]
Wait, wait, wait!
Whoa, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!
85
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,757
We're not traders, Charlie.
We're thieves.
86
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,894
You want his pumpkins?
We kill him
and take his pumpkins!
87
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,596
This is 1776!
88
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:01,833
We'll get away
with it!
I can hear you.
89
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,437
Yeah, all right. Very good.
This is how it will go down.
I will beat the man...
90
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:08,606
about the face and the neck
and maybe the chest area
and possibly the groin...
91
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:11,395
Eh?
until he's no longer
consisting of life pulse.
92
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:16,514
And then you can collect up
the man's cart.
I shall findeth a stick.
93
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:20,151
Yes! Well, we'll need
a stick to do the bashing.
Sit tight, sir.
94
00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:22,398
Pick a stick.
Any stick you like.
All right.
95
00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:25,768
Methinks the rod to be the most
suitable for our purposes.
Ahh! Very nice rod.
96
00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:28,772
Go with that rod.
Okeydokey-dokey-doo!
Uh-oh! He's gone.
97
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:33,764
What! He stole our furs!
Yep. Yep, yep, yep,
yep, yep, yep.
98
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,735
You shithead!
Hey, look on
the bright side, Franklin.
99
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,203
We got ourselves a pumpkin.
100
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,392
[Dennis]
This is gonna work.
101
00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:47,724
[Mac] I can't believe
you dressed like that, bro.
Excuse me. This is a good plan.
102
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,126
Okay? If we're gonna
get this declaration
into the hands of the queen,
103
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:53,329
we need to dress the part.
That's not the way
the British dress, bro.
104
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,232
They dress like this.
No. British commoners
dress like you're dressed.
105
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,690
British peons. Okay?
I'm dressed like a nobleman,
okay?
106
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:02,160
These people respond
to royalty.
[Dee]Hey. Hey, guys.
107
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:05,463
- Come on. Please help.
- Just use your witch strength,
slave.
108
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,899
Yeah. It's not
that much further. God!
109
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,135
Uh, pardon me.
Pardon me, good sirs.
110
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:15,240
Which of you gentlemen happens
to be the highest-ranking
military officer here?
111
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,309
That would be me.
112
00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:22,013
Cricket.
Colonel Cricket.
113
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:25,450
- Hmm.
- What is your business, sirs?
114
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:30,455
Ah, well, Colonel, we arethe owners of the fine localestablishment, Patrick's Pub.
115
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:33,258
Ahh. Patrick's Pub.
Yeah.
116
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:35,460
Yes, of course.
Of course.
117
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:38,996
The liberty bar, huh?
You harbor patriots.
118
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,609
Oh, whoops.
No, no, no.
No!
119
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,344
No, nayeth.
Nayeth.
Bad intel there.
120
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,413
Yeah, bad intel.
Bit of a miscommunication.
Yes. Yeah.
121
00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:49,373
Actually,
that is why we're here.
Uh, we drew up this declaration.
122
00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:52,088
We also included
an illustration that we
had hoped would illuminate...
123
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,045
our intentions
towards the queen, huh?
124
00:06:55,649 --> 00:07:00,251
This appears to be
a rendering of the two of you...
125
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,364
sodomizing the king... Huh?
126
00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:05,389
Whilst the queen
is forced to witness.
Oh!
127
00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:08,237
Goodness gracious, no!
No! No! Look. I'm holding
homeboy's arms back.
128
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,373
Yeah.
Dennis is ready
to jam him in the face.
129
00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:13,443
The queen is impressed.
Yeah. That's a bad guy.
That's not the king.
130
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:16,334
- We're doing bad stuff
to the bad...
- Give me this. You don't get it?
131
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:19,438
Let's get the ale. The ale.
Wench, now the ale.
Presenteth it.
132
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,746
Okay, set that down
in front of him.
And yes, good Colonel,
133
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:28,379
we present this ale to you andyour men in hopes that it willfuel the British to victory.
134
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,782
Madam.
135
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,929
- Whoa! Hey!
What the hell are you doing?
- Come on!
136
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,587
- Get out of here! You're making
things worse! Flee! Fly!
- Get back to the bar!
137
00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:39,624
I'm really sorry.
That was huge.
Yeah.
138
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:43,161
- That hit you right in
the face, didn't it? Oh, man.
- Yeah, you know what?
139
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,208
We don't condone
that sort of thing, okay?
No.
140
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,676
We're gonna tar and feather
the shit out of her when
she gets back. Don't worry.
141
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:52,170
I pray you,
who is that fiery wench?
142
00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:55,039
Her? Oh, that's just
my sister, Deandra.
She's our slave.
143
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,041
Yeah. And a witch.
Yeah.
144
00:07:57,110 --> 00:08:00,511
- You keep your sister
as your slave?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Aye.
145
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:03,781
[Laughs]
So are we good here now?
What's the deal?
146
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:07,985
Gentlemen, you have both proven
to me in the very short time
that I have known you...
147
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,488
that you are both
slanderous perverts...
148
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:12,957
lacking any semblance
of moral fortitude.
149
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:18,062
However, I do desire to seek
further counsel with the lady.
150
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:21,098
The... lady?
Uh, the... the witch?
151
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,208
The same girl we've
just been talking about?
152
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:25,970
You don't really think
she's a... a witch, do you?
153
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,406
Yeah. Yeah,
she's a witch.
154
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:31,142
I... Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Pretty sure.
155
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:33,211
All right, look.
156
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,014
I wish to court her
in some manner,
157
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:41,753
and I could use your help,
because I'm not, admittedly,
158
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,822
very good with women.
159
00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:47,158
Good "with" women?
You mean, good at women?
160
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:50,272
Like you can't catch them
when they run away from you?
Bro, it's 1776.
161
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,543
They don't have any rights.
You can just take 'em and force
'em to do whatever you want.
162
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:58,870
I do not wish to take her.
I would like to win her favor,
like a gentleman does a lady.
163
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,872
That just does not
compute with me.
164
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,919
I don't understand
what you're saying.
165
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,087
Diggin' the accent
but don't understand you.
Are you saying you're gay?
166
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,412
All right!
Escort them out!
167
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,925
Oh, no. We-We-We... Okay.
Are you gonna
drink the beer?
168
00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:11,927
No. Leave it. Out.
Just drink the beer.
169
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:13,929
Maybe you'll get some balls
and you can take the woman.
Yeah.
170
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,873
All right.
Well, I'm just saying.
171
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,003
Higher.
Ready?
172
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:22,071
Yes.
All right.
173
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,495
Shoot.
One, two...
174
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,109
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
three.
175
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:29,311
Do not shoot
that pumpkin!
What are you doing?
176
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:32,536
I stole a bunch of guns.
I'm testin' 'em out,
Charles.
177
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:35,439
This revolution
is gonna make us a fortune.
178
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,986
All right. Well,
leave the pumpkin out of it.
The pumpkin's innocent.
179
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,111
[Frank]
Shoot the pumpkin.
180
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,724
Do not shoot the pumpkin,
please.
Okay.
181
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,915
Give me the gun.
Fine.
182
00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:46,951
And why is the witch slave
shooting at you anyway?
183
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:50,788
- Maybe she used her sorcery.
- Sorcery? Your dumb dick
partner walked into the bar,
184
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:54,725
said he stole a bunch of guns
and asked if I wanted to shoot
a pumpkin off his head.
185
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,727
Of course I did, so here we are.
186
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:58,841
Damn your necromancy,
woman!
Oh, my God.
187
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,744
Maybe if we shoot you,
you won't feel it anyway, witch.
Yeah. Shoot her.
188
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,535
You know what? Okay, you guys.
I tell you what. You win.
189
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:09,607
I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch,
and I curse both of you
and all of your stupid guns.
190
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,225
[Clicks]
[Screams]
Charlie! Goddamn it!
191
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,691
Give me that gun!
It didn't work!
She cursed the gun!
192
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:17,259
She cursed the gun.
[Clicks]
193
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,285
She put a curse
on the gun!
Let's try this one.
194
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,287
[Clicks]
Nothin'!
195
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,322
Try me!
[Clicks]
196
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,460
[Chattering]
197
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:33,198
Man, those Sons of Liberty
sons of bitches, Dennis.
198
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:35,444
Those guys are gonna get us
in so much trouble.
Let's do this.
199
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,881
No, no, no, no!
You hang back.
What? Me? Why?
200
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:41,145
[Teeth Whistling] Because
we need to get as much intel
from these guys as we can...
201
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,919
for that
Colonel Cricket.
Yeah?
202
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,988
This fop thing's gonna
totally blow our cover.
What's goin' on with your mouth?
203
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,991
I got some
wooden teeth put in.
Did ya?
204
00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:49,993
Yeah. All the patriots
are doing it,
including Washington,
205
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,095
which is why it makes sense,
okay, if we're going undercover!
206
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:55,820
Not this fop bullshit!
No. The fop thing's good, man.
I got a plan with it. Yeah.
207
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,390
Got an angle.
Fine. Okay, listen.
208
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,903
You let me
take the lead, okay?
Yeah, okay.
209
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,995
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You son of a bitch.
210
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:09,367
Fellas! How you doin'?
A couple of flagons of ale
for ya.
211
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,348
[Chuckling]
So I just want to say we love
what you're doing over here.
212
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,872
I mean, taxation with
representation, right?
213
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,543
So, uh, what's the buzz, huh?What are we all talking about,huh?
214
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,457
[Effeminate
British Accent]
Surrender maybe?
215
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,948
W-We speak of revolution.
216
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,084
Revolution? Revolution?
217
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,364
That's great!
I'm completely on top of that!
[Laughs]
218
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,321
Hey, fellas, who's taking
the minutes here?
219
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,470
'Cause I feel like I could be
an asset to you as a secretary.
Yes.
220
00:11:33,494 --> 00:11:37,396
Let's start by taking down
all of their names,
first and last, please.
221
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:41,266
- Son of a bitch.
- Gentlemen, I think
this meeting is adjourned.
222
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,101
Huh?
223
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,170
[Clears Throat]
Son of a bitch, dude!
224
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,940
What are you doing with
the accent and the Briti...
Goddamn it!
225
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,754
No, I just decided to go
a different way. The spy thing
wasn't really working.
226
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:55,158
Yeah? What way was that?
Your wooden teeth, whistle-y
tooth thing? That was bad.
227
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,527
I think my teeth
were a smashing success.
We are in dire straits here.
228
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,830
We need a change of plans.
I think the only way we're gonna
convince these people...
229
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:04,022
that we're on their side
is to become
a hundred percent British.
230
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,469
Become British?
We gotta commit
to the fop thing.
231
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:09,205
That actually seems
pretty sensible, Dennis.
Yeah. No more S's for you.
232
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,029
[Mouths Words]
233
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,264
It's just so cramped in here.
234
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:17,102
I mean, you'd think people
who came here so many years
before the English...
235
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,104
You'd think they'd
build bigger houses.
236
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,973
- Yeah, you'd think they'd
have huge homes, right?
- Yeah!
237
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:25,121
What is the sleeping situation
in here? You think this father
and son are sleeping...
238
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,623
on the same bearskin together?
Probably. Where else
are they gonna sleep?
239
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:31,349
What a bunch of losers!
Oh, I'm telling you.
It's a bunch of inbred savages.
240
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:35,787
I speak English.
Oh, shit! For real?
241
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,856
- Yes.
- Oh, that's not good.
We didn't mean to...
242
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:43,461
Our bad then. Hey, so tell me.
How much land are you gonna give
away for a pumpkin these days?
243
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:48,700
W-Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Charlie, Charlie, listen. What
we need is your magical powers...
244
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:52,036
Yeah.
to lift the curses
from our guns.
245
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,773
[Imitates Gunshots]
Okay?
We're gonna pay ya.
246
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:57,642
Oh, yeah.
We gotta pay ya.
We'll give you this.
247
00:12:57,711 --> 00:13:00,111
- We brought this for you.
- Booze!
248
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:02,392
Booze.
Right? Makes you feel good.
Helps you sleep.
249
00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:05,316
Brings the tribe together.
250
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:11,856
[Speaking Native Language]
251
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:16,494
Ooh! Oh! That young Indian
was fast with the tomahawk.
252
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,542
And he really lobbed a big
hunk off your head up here.
Oh, yeah.
253
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:22,112
It's gonna make me
look deformed.
Yeah.
254
00:13:22,136 --> 00:13:24,480
You're gonna be deformed
for the rest of your life.
Gimme that skunk pelt.
255
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:29,407
I'll use it for hair. Don't
push, don't push, don't push!
[Dee] All right.
256
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,516
Does it look cool?
It looks pretty good.
257
00:13:31,545 --> 00:13:35,046
- Lady Deandra.
- Yes? Can I help you?
258
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:38,516
Colonel Cricket.
259
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:42,220
We met the other day?
260
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:46,124
I was the one
you delivered the keg to?
261
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:48,905
You spit in my face.
Oh, yep, yep.
There it is. Mm-hmm.
262
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,995
[Chuckles]
Indeed.
263
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:54,766
Forgive my rather
unadorned approach, but...
Mm-hmm.
264
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:57,146
From the first moment
I laid my eyes on you...
Mmm.
265
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,437
I was smitten.
Mm-hmm.
266
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,573
Perhaps my impatience
has gotten the best of me,
267
00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:06,811
but if you will have me,
I would be most honored...
268
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,246
to call you my wife.
269
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:14,852
Oh! [Coughs]
A simple "no"
would have sufficed.
270
00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:17,322
[Laughing]
Hey, hey.
271
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:21,359
Okay. All right.
That one got in my mouth.
That's really not cool.
272
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:25,497
You listen to me, you pale-faced
English dick-hole.
You got a revolution coming.
273
00:14:25,566 --> 00:14:29,433
And pretty soon all
of the slaves are gonna be free,
and I will be owned by no man.
274
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,970
I am a fool... Yeah.
275
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:38,877
Having allowed myself to imagine
us back in my sprawling manor
in England.
276
00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:43,682
You on my arm adorned
in magnificent garments, dressed
in the finest jewels, and...
277
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:47,285
Whoa, whoa, Cricks. Back it up
a little bit. You're talking
about garments and jewelry?
278
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:51,355
But alas,
my love cannot mend
our differences.
279
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,770
Oh, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Your love... Your love can.
280
00:14:53,794 --> 00:14:57,662
Your love is... Your love
is currently doing that.
So you just...
281
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,131
You didn't mention anything
about the sprawling manor
and all the garments.
282
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,245
That was stupid.
I thought you
just said that you...
283
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:06,504
Yeah, I di... I did, I did.
But it's... Your love,
it's like... [Grunts]
284
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,274
It's filling me up with
all kinds of stuff, and...
Is it?
285
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,810
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is!
Let's do this!
What?
286
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,856
Let's get married!
Yeah!
[Chuckles]
287
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,680
Oh, Lady Deandra.
Yes!
288
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:18,883
You have made me
the happiest man alive!
Eww!
289
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,830
We're gonna have
to work up to that, though,
'cause you are crazy ugly.
290
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:25,290
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Keep your pants on, curly.
Yeah.
291
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:28,204
You want the slave?
You gotta pay
for the slave!
292
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,861
What?
I'm sorry?
293
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,341
We're not gonna give her
to you for free.
Yeah.
294
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,866
You gotta sweeten the pot.
Huh?
[Blows Raspberry]
295
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,380
How'd you like
to buy some guns?
Yeah.
296
00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:41,306
Guns?
297
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,176
- I shall buy your guns.
- [Dee] Yes!
298
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:47,189
I shall buy your guns!
No, no, no, no.
299
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,747
Not yet. Not yet.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
300
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,816
[Spits]
[Groans]
301
00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:54,152
Why does he keep
spitting in my mouth?
[Spits]
302
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:56,520
Who is this man?
[Spits]
303
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:02,560
[Squealing]
[Dennis]Ah, hello to you, sirs.
304
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,897
And to you, ladies.
These heels are almost
impossible to walk in.
305
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,811
Get over it, dude.
You gotta walk in them, okay?
Now let me hear the voice.
306
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,614
[Teeth Whistling] No. I don't
think the voice is entirely
necessary. I'm not gonna do it.
307
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,317
Bro, if we're gonna wipe away
all traces of our colonial
background and blend in...
308
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:17,120
with British culture,
we need to walk the walk
and we need to talk the talk.
309
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:22,480
Fine. How do you do it?
Your voice needs to come off as
elegant as your clothing, okay?
310
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:26,718
So try this. [Clears Throat,
British Accent]
Would you like a spot of tea?
311
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:31,522
You: Ye-e-e-e-es!
312
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:35,760
[British Accent]
Would you like
a spot of tea? Ye-e-es!
313
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,940
Draw it out more.
Draw it out
more than that?
314
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:41,465
Oh, yes. Ye-e-e-e-es.
More than that.
Ye-e-e-e-es!
315
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,467
Yeah, but... That's good.
316
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,015
You know what?
Those wooden teeth are
killing me. That lisp is stupid.
317
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,150
I think the wooden teeth
are the whole thing
that's saving this thing.
318
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,252
You sound ridiculous.
No, I don't. I think
it sounds pretty good.
319
00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:52,522
I'm not losing the teeth.
Let's just move past that.
Let's keep walking.
320
00:16:52,546 --> 00:16:54,479
Okay, try it again,
try it again.
321
00:16:54,548 --> 00:16:56,914
Ye-e-e-e-es!
322
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:59,651
Ye-e-e-e-es!
[Laughs]
323
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,386
Ye-e-e-e-es!
[Laughs]
324
00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:05,490
Ye-e-e-e-es!
Good, good, good.
Now flourish the pinkie.
325
00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:07,559
Flourish the pinkie.
Ye-e-e-e-es!
326
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:11,229
Ye-e-e-e-es!
Well, what have
we got here?
327
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:14,665
A pair of poofs about town.
328
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:18,035
Sodomites in frilly lace.
329
00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:20,038
Oh! No, no!
No! Nayeth!
330
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,040
Oh, nayeth, nayeth! No!
Nayeth, no!
331
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:25,187
We are simply two noble
British men out on a stroll.
Yes, yes, yes.
332
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,145
Good day, sir.
Good day!
333
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,625
Oh, goodness.
Oh.
[Chuckles Weakly]
334
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:34,519
- Boys, get the tar.
- [Both Chuckle]
335
00:17:34,588 --> 00:17:36,520
Shit.
336
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:40,291
- [Gunfire In Distance]
- Deandra, come and help me
count my gold.
337
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,226
I'm not your slave anymore,
Franklin.
338
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:46,164
I'm about to go live like
the goddamn queen of England and
never see you two bitches again.
339
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,067
Charles, I told you
the revolution pays.
340
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:51,536
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But look at this, huh?
341
00:17:51,605 --> 00:17:55,106
Guys, there is a full-fledged
revolution happening outside
right now!
342
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:59,210
- It is a bloodbath!
We have got to do something!
- Whoa! Whoa!
343
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,658
What?
Let's back up and talk
about what this is.
344
00:18:01,682 --> 00:18:04,716
No, this is not
important right now!
Oh, I think it's very important!
345
00:18:04,785 --> 00:18:07,051
There's a war happening outside.
346
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,532
We were acting like British
nobleman. Then he couldn't
drop the she-male thing.
347
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,601
[Gunfire Intensifies]
So we got tarred and feathered
for being sodomites!
348
00:18:11,625 --> 00:18:14,103
Well, it is not...
[Stammers] a she-male thing.
[Mocking Stammer]
349
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,205
It's about... Goddamn it!
We don't have time for this!
350
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,264
[Gasping]
Help!
351
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:21,532
- Help me!
- Are you okay? Are you dying?
352
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,881
No, no! Don't die yet!
Don't die yet until you
get me to your mansion!
353
00:18:24,905 --> 00:18:27,772
No. I'm unscathed,
my darling.
Oh, thank God.
354
00:18:27,841 --> 00:18:29,886
This is the blood
of my men.
Yeah.
355
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:34,111
We suffered
too many casualties.
All our guns jammed!
356
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:37,420
Blame that
on your witch wife.
Let me see that.
357
00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:40,985
Permit me to hide out here till
British reinforcements arrive...
358
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:44,188
and massacre
the entire lot of rebels.
359
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,558
Then shall we escape
safely together, my darling.
360
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,528
Oh! Okay. I'm gonna
go get you some water.
361
00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:54,499
Hey, Cricks? When the
reinforcements get here,
Dennis and I are cool, right?
362
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:58,068
We're not on your shit list.
Yeah. Like we got tarred
and feathered for your ass. So...
363
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:02,807
Protect me and I shall make sure
that all of you are safe
from the mighty sword of Bri...
364
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,110
- [All Gasp]
- Oh, shit!
365
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,348
Goddamn it, Frank!
You just ruined
my whole life!
366
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,484
Wait, wait, wait.
Check his pulse.
367
00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:15,565
[Dee]He doesn't have a head![Mac] Oh, my God!
368
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:18,367
If the British come in here and
find this body, we are screwed!
Jesus, God, he's right!
369
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:21,437
We gotta get rid of this body!
How are we gonna do that?
Maybe we could bury it out back.
370
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,238
No, there's no time.
We gotta burn that body.
371
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,174
Burn? It's gonna call
too much attention!
372
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,632
Let's chop it up
into a million pieces!
I got an idea.
373
00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:30,534
Careful man. Steady.
374
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,037
[Grunts]
It's heavy.
375
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:35,840
- [Front Man]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Bell Clangs]
376
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,043
Shit!
377
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:41,212
Bro, we just broke
the Liberty Bell.
378
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,849
I'll get you, my pretties!
[Cackling]
379
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,730
Pretties!
[Cackling]
It's totally broken!
380
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:51,722
Stop... this... story!
381
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:55,793
- Okay?
- We weren't quite finished yet.
We were just climaxing there.
382
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,095
I've finished listening.
383
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,164
Have you now?
[Both Groan Softly]
384
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,801
Uh, okay.
Well, that's fair.
Uh, the end, I guess.
385
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:07,238
Uh, so are we
an historical landmark now?
386
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,174
- No!
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
387
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,221
It's such a good story.
Yeah.
388
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,856
Maybe she didn't
understand the story.
Maybe we skimmed too much.
389
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,349
Well, let's tell the full story
this time. Let's... We won't
leave out any details.
390
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,329
A lot more details.
You know what? Sit back.
Get comfortable.
391
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,265
This is gonna take
a little longer this time.
Okay.
392
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,821
You ready?
It starts the same.
393
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,724
Okay.
The year was 1776...
394
00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:04,762
[Voices Speaking Backwards]
36603
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