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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:03,568 [Mac] He really has an ugly face. 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:05,615 [Dennis] Mmm, he does. He is certainly ugly. 3 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,118 But you know what? That's not really what bothers me about this. 4 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,320 What bothers me is that he looks like an old woman. Right! 5 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,877 [Dennis] Yeah. [Mac] Well, he is wearing... 6 00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:14,925 a lot of blush on those cheekbones. Right! 7 00:00:14,949 --> 00:00:17,694 But I feel like that was the look of the times. It's not just that though, Mac. 8 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:20,029 It's not. I mean, a lot of presidents somehow end up looking like women. 9 00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,698 I mean, look at Ronald Reagan. Right? Mm-hmm. 10 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,401 - He looks... - Why would you hang a painting like this on your wall? 11 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:27,537 It's the historical society, bro. They have to hang it up. Right. Yeah. 12 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,273 We gotta suffer just because some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep... 13 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:32,342 chopped down a cherry tree 10 million years ago? 14 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,334 It's just... He looks terrible! 15 00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:37,703 You know what? Let's take it down. 16 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:41,005 It's just gonna distract us through the meeting. Yeah. Let's get it down, man. 17 00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:43,219 Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down. 18 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:47,145 [Mac] It's gonna distract us. Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall. 19 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,227 That proves our point, man. We're not the first people who tried to take that thing down. 20 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:53,463 Yeah, but we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Let's tear it down, Charlie. 21 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:56,454 Let's just rip it off the wall! Whoa! Guys, guys, guys! 22 00:00:56,524 --> 00:01:00,058 I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame. [Dennis] That's a good idea. 23 00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:03,139 I've had enough of this dude. Just cut it right out of the frame. 24 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,397 What are you doing? 25 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:08,066 Oh. Uh... 26 00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,135 Do you want this up? 27 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,204 Yes. Yes, I do. Really? 28 00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:16,107 - Uh, may I help you gentlemen with something? - Yeah. Yeah. 29 00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:19,844 Actually, we're here because we want to get our bar certified as a historic landmark. 30 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,915 We want tourists to be able to come by Paddy's Pub as part of the walking tour of Philly. 31 00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:27,364 You know, they can come by, soak up some history, do some shots, get blasted. 32 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:30,789 In order to be considered as a historical site, 33 00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:35,160 your bar would have to have some historical significance. 34 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:39,798 Trust us when we tell you that Paddy's Pub played an extremely important part in history. 35 00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:42,734 Mm-hmm. And what part of history might that be? 36 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,443 The cracking of the Liberty Bell, of course. 37 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,006 So you're claiming that your bar... 38 00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:24,709 had a direct role in the cracking of the Liberty Bell? 39 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,944 - Absolutely. - Then tell me about it. 40 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:30,181 Well, the year was 1412... Oh, ooh. Oh, ooh, no. 41 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,128 Really? Let Dennis... Let Dennis... 42 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,897 - Let me tell the story, Charlie. - Okay. [Clucking Tongue, Imitating Hoofbeats] 43 00:02:34,921 --> 00:02:40,625 Yeah. The year was 1776. And Paddy's Pub, then known, of course, as Patrick's Pub, 44 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,861 was a hotbed of revolutionary activity. 45 00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:48,600 Revolutionaries from all over the country had come together to gather at Patrick's Pub... 46 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,636 to speak of war and revolution. 47 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,405 Will you look at that? Sons of Liberty... 48 00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:58,276 Patriots meeting in our bar speaking of revolution and freedom. 49 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:01,023 Can you believe it, dear Brother? We're witnessing history in the making. 50 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:04,749 I do not give a shit, Deandra. Now get me a flagon of ale. 51 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,686 Get your own ale, dick. Uh-uh! You are my slave. 52 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,754 You have to get me flagons of ale. 53 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:12,457 I saved you from being burned at the stake for being a witch! 54 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,438 You're the one who accused me of being a witch in the first place, Dennis! 55 00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:17,796 Oh, well, what's done is done. That's all in the past now. 56 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:21,600 So you can either be a slave witch in the bar or you can be a burned-up witch outside. 57 00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:24,102 Up to you! Flagon of ale now? 58 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:27,805 Guys, guys, guys! I've got some news. I've got some terrible news. 59 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,675 Oh, MacDonald, how goes it? Not good. 60 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,522 You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall? 61 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,524 - Mmm, the fat one. - Well, she's not that fat. 62 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,659 She's pretty fat, dude. Good one, witch. [Laughs] Pretty fat. 63 00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:38,728 Well, whatever. She told me in complete confidence... 64 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,920 that a bunch of old dudes down there are drafting a declaration... 65 00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:46,090 A declaration of independence. Wait. Why would we want to be free from the British? 66 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,138 This declaration is gonna start an all-out war. 67 00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:50,807 We have to make sure we are not on the losing side! Definitely. 68 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,976 Okay, clearly the British are gonna win this thing. Clearly. 69 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,112 All right. We have to make sure that the crown knows that we're on their side. 70 00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:59,871 We have to make our own declaration. Yes. 71 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:03,541 Yes. We need to make a declaration of dependence. 72 00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:08,513 [Chattering] 73 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:13,317 Buy your pelts here. We have raccoon. We have foxes. 74 00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:16,321 Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ho there, sir. 75 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:20,425 Now, my good gentleman, what says you of my fine furs here? Mmm! 76 00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:24,496 Merrily, I be able to guide you towards some interest in some purchase? 77 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,643 I can't understand what you're saying. You wanna buy a fur? 78 00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,367 Yeah! In July? No, thanks. 79 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,270 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast now. 80 00:04:32,339 --> 00:04:35,051 It's a nice-looking cart of pumpkins you got here. Mmm! 81 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:40,745 Uh, what says you we maketh some trade, hmm? All of my furs for all your pumpkins? 82 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:44,482 No. All right. I-I-I-I-I-I... 83 00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,385 One pumpkin. Deal. 84 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,832 All right then! [Chuckles] Wait, wait, wait! Whoa, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie! 85 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,757 We're not traders, Charlie. We're thieves. 86 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,894 You want his pumpkins? We kill him and take his pumpkins! 87 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,596 This is 1776! 88 00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:01,833 We'll get away with it! I can hear you. 89 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,437 Yeah, all right. Very good. This is how it will go down. I will beat the man... 90 00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:08,606 about the face and the neck and maybe the chest area and possibly the groin... 91 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:11,395 Eh? until he's no longer consisting of life pulse. 92 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:16,514 And then you can collect up the man's cart. I shall findeth a stick. 93 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:20,151 Yes! Well, we'll need a stick to do the bashing. Sit tight, sir. 94 00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:22,398 Pick a stick. Any stick you like. All right. 95 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:25,768 Methinks the rod to be the most suitable for our purposes. Ahh! Very nice rod. 96 00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:28,772 Go with that rod. Okeydokey-dokey-doo! Uh-oh! He's gone. 97 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:33,764 What! He stole our furs! Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. 98 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,735 You shithead! Hey, look on the bright side, Franklin. 99 00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,203 We got ourselves a pumpkin. 100 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,392 [Dennis] This is gonna work. 101 00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:47,724 [Mac] I can't believe you dressed like that, bro. Excuse me. This is a good plan. 102 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,126 Okay? If we're gonna get this declaration into the hands of the queen, 103 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:53,329 we need to dress the part. That's not the way the British dress, bro. 104 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,232 They dress like this. No. British commoners dress like you're dressed. 105 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,690 British peons. Okay? I'm dressed like a nobleman, okay? 106 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:02,160 These people respond to royalty. [Dee] Hey. Hey, guys. 107 00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:05,463 - Come on. Please help. - Just use your witch strength, slave. 108 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,899 Yeah. It's not that much further. God! 109 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,135 Uh, pardon me. Pardon me, good sirs. 110 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:15,240 Which of you gentlemen happens to be the highest-ranking military officer here? 111 00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,309 That would be me. 112 00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:22,013 Cricket. Colonel Cricket. 113 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:25,450 - Hmm. - What is your business, sirs? 114 00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:30,455 Ah, well, Colonel, we are the owners of the fine local establishment, Patrick's Pub. 115 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:33,258 Ahh. Patrick's Pub. Yeah. 116 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:35,460 Yes, of course. Of course. 117 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:38,996 The liberty bar, huh? You harbor patriots. 118 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,609 Oh, whoops. No, no, no. No! 119 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,344 No, nayeth. Nayeth. Bad intel there. 120 00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,413 Yeah, bad intel. Bit of a miscommunication. Yes. Yeah. 121 00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:49,373 Actually, that is why we're here. Uh, we drew up this declaration. 122 00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:52,088 We also included an illustration that we had hoped would illuminate... 123 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,045 our intentions towards the queen, huh? 124 00:06:55,649 --> 00:07:00,251 This appears to be a rendering of the two of you... 125 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,364 sodomizing the king... Huh? 126 00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:05,389 Whilst the queen is forced to witness. Oh! 127 00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:08,237 Goodness gracious, no! No! No! Look. I'm holding homeboy's arms back. 128 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,373 Yeah. Dennis is ready to jam him in the face. 129 00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:13,443 The queen is impressed. Yeah. That's a bad guy. That's not the king. 130 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:16,334 - We're doing bad stuff to the bad... - Give me this. You don't get it? 131 00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:19,438 Let's get the ale. The ale. Wench, now the ale. Presenteth it. 132 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,746 Okay, set that down in front of him. And yes, good Colonel, 133 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:28,379 we present this ale to you and your men in hopes that it will fuel the British to victory. 134 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,782 Madam. 135 00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,929 - Whoa! Hey! What the hell are you doing? - Come on! 136 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,587 - Get out of here! You're making things worse! Flee! Fly! - Get back to the bar! 137 00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:39,624 I'm really sorry. That was huge. Yeah. 138 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:43,161 - That hit you right in the face, didn't it? Oh, man. - Yeah, you know what? 139 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,208 We don't condone that sort of thing, okay? No. 140 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,676 We're gonna tar and feather the shit out of her when she gets back. Don't worry. 141 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:52,170 I pray you, who is that fiery wench? 142 00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:55,039 Her? Oh, that's just my sister, Deandra. She's our slave. 143 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,041 Yeah. And a witch. Yeah. 144 00:07:57,110 --> 00:08:00,511 - You keep your sister as your slave? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Aye. 145 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:03,781 [Laughs] So are we good here now? What's the deal? 146 00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:07,985 Gentlemen, you have both proven to me in the very short time that I have known you... 147 00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,488 that you are both slanderous perverts... 148 00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:12,957 lacking any semblance of moral fortitude. 149 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:18,062 However, I do desire to seek further counsel with the lady. 150 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:21,098 The... lady? Uh, the... the witch? 151 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,208 The same girl we've just been talking about? 152 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:25,970 You don't really think she's a... a witch, do you? 153 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,406 Yeah. Yeah, she's a witch. 154 00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:31,142 I... Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure. 155 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:33,211 All right, look. 156 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,014 I wish to court her in some manner, 157 00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:41,753 and I could use your help, because I'm not, admittedly, 158 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,822 very good with women. 159 00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:47,158 Good "with" women? You mean, good at women? 160 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:50,272 Like you can't catch them when they run away from you? Bro, it's 1776. 161 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,543 They don't have any rights. You can just take 'em and force 'em to do whatever you want. 162 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:58,870 I do not wish to take her. I would like to win her favor, like a gentleman does a lady. 163 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,872 That just does not compute with me. 164 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,919 I don't understand what you're saying. 165 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,087 Diggin' the accent but don't understand you. Are you saying you're gay? 166 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,412 All right! Escort them out! 167 00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,925 Oh, no. We-We-We... Okay. Are you gonna drink the beer? 168 00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:11,927 No. Leave it. Out. Just drink the beer. 169 00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:13,929 Maybe you'll get some balls and you can take the woman. Yeah. 170 00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,873 All right. Well, I'm just saying. 171 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,003 Higher. Ready? 172 00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:22,071 Yes. All right. 173 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,495 Shoot. One, two... 174 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,109 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! three. 175 00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:29,311 Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing? 176 00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:32,536 I stole a bunch of guns. I'm testin' 'em out, Charles. 177 00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:35,439 This revolution is gonna make us a fortune. 178 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,986 All right. Well, leave the pumpkin out of it. The pumpkin's innocent. 179 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,111 [Frank] Shoot the pumpkin. 180 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,724 Do not shoot the pumpkin, please. Okay. 181 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,915 Give me the gun. Fine. 182 00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:46,951 And why is the witch slave shooting at you anyway? 183 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:50,788 - Maybe she used her sorcery. - Sorcery? Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, 184 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:54,725 said he stole a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. 185 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,727 Of course I did, so here we are. 186 00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:58,841 Damn your necromancy, woman! Oh, my God. 187 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,744 Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch. Yeah. Shoot her. 188 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,535 You know what? Okay, you guys. I tell you what. You win. 189 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:09,607 I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch, and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns. 190 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,225 [Clicks] [Screams] Charlie! Goddamn it! 191 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,691 Give me that gun! It didn't work! She cursed the gun! 192 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:17,259 She cursed the gun. [Clicks] 193 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,285 She put a curse on the gun! Let's try this one. 194 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,287 [Clicks] Nothin'! 195 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,322 Try me! [Clicks] 196 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,460 [Chattering] 197 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:33,198 Man, those Sons of Liberty sons of bitches, Dennis. 198 00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:35,444 Those guys are gonna get us in so much trouble. Let's do this. 199 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,881 No, no, no, no! You hang back. What? Me? Why? 200 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:41,145 [Teeth Whistling] Because we need to get as much intel from these guys as we can... 201 00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,919 for that Colonel Cricket. Yeah? 202 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,988 This fop thing's gonna totally blow our cover. What's goin' on with your mouth? 203 00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,991 I got some wooden teeth put in. Did ya? 204 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:49,993 Yeah. All the patriots are doing it, including Washington, 205 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,095 which is why it makes sense, okay, if we're going undercover! 206 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:55,820 Not this fop bullshit! No. The fop thing's good, man. I got a plan with it. Yeah. 207 00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,390 Got an angle. Fine. Okay, listen. 208 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,903 You let me take the lead, okay? Yeah, okay. 209 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,995 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You son of a bitch. 210 00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:09,367 Fellas! How you doin'? A couple of flagons of ale for ya. 211 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,348 [Chuckling] So I just want to say we love what you're doing over here. 212 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,872 I mean, taxation with representation, right? 213 00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,543 So, uh, what's the buzz, huh? What are we all talking about, huh? 214 00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,457 [Effeminate British Accent] Surrender maybe? 215 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,948 W-We speak of revolution. 216 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,084 Revolution? Revolution? 217 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,364 That's great! I'm completely on top of that! [Laughs] 218 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,321 Hey, fellas, who's taking the minutes here? 219 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,470 'Cause I feel like I could be an asset to you as a secretary. Yes. 220 00:11:33,494 --> 00:11:37,396 Let's start by taking down all of their names, first and last, please. 221 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:41,266 - Son of a bitch. - Gentlemen, I think this meeting is adjourned. 222 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,101 Huh? 223 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,170 [Clears Throat] Son of a bitch, dude! 224 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,940 What are you doing with the accent and the Briti... Goddamn it! 225 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,754 No, I just decided to go a different way. The spy thing wasn't really working. 226 00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:55,158 Yeah? What way was that? Your wooden teeth, whistle-y tooth thing? That was bad. 227 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,527 I think my teeth were a smashing success. We are in dire straits here. 228 00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,830 We need a change of plans. I think the only way we're gonna convince these people... 229 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:04,022 that we're on their side is to become a hundred percent British. 230 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,469 Become British? We gotta commit to the fop thing. 231 00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:09,205 That actually seems pretty sensible, Dennis. Yeah. No more S's for you. 232 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,029 [Mouths Words] 233 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,264 It's just so cramped in here. 234 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:17,102 I mean, you'd think people who came here so many years before the English... 235 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,104 You'd think they'd build bigger houses. 236 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,973 - Yeah, you'd think they'd have huge homes, right? - Yeah! 237 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:25,121 What is the sleeping situation in here? You think this father and son are sleeping... 238 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,623 on the same bearskin together? Probably. Where else are they gonna sleep? 239 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:31,349 What a bunch of losers! Oh, I'm telling you. It's a bunch of inbred savages. 240 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:35,787 I speak English. Oh, shit! For real? 241 00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,856 - Yes. - Oh, that's not good. We didn't mean to... 242 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:43,461 Our bad then. Hey, so tell me. How much land are you gonna give away for a pumpkin these days? 243 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:48,700 W-Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Charlie, Charlie, listen. What we need is your magical powers... 244 00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:52,036 Yeah. to lift the curses from our guns. 245 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,773 [Imitates Gunshots] Okay? We're gonna pay ya. 246 00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:57,642 Oh, yeah. We gotta pay ya. We'll give you this. 247 00:12:57,711 --> 00:13:00,111 - We brought this for you. - Booze! 248 00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:02,392 Booze. Right? Makes you feel good. Helps you sleep. 249 00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:05,316 Brings the tribe together. 250 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:11,856 [Speaking Native Language] 251 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:16,494 Ooh! Oh! That young Indian was fast with the tomahawk. 252 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,542 And he really lobbed a big hunk off your head up here. Oh, yeah. 253 00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:22,112 It's gonna make me look deformed. Yeah. 254 00:13:22,136 --> 00:13:24,480 You're gonna be deformed for the rest of your life. Gimme that skunk pelt. 255 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:29,407 I'll use it for hair. Don't push, don't push, don't push! [Dee] All right. 256 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,516 Does it look cool? It looks pretty good. 257 00:13:31,545 --> 00:13:35,046 - Lady Deandra. - Yes? Can I help you? 258 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:38,516 Colonel Cricket. 259 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:42,220 We met the other day? 260 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:46,124 I was the one you delivered the keg to? 261 00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:48,905 You spit in my face. Oh, yep, yep. There it is. Mm-hmm. 262 00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,995 [Chuckles] Indeed. 263 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:54,766 Forgive my rather unadorned approach, but... Mm-hmm. 264 00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:57,146 From the first moment I laid my eyes on you... Mmm. 265 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,437 I was smitten. Mm-hmm. 266 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,573 Perhaps my impatience has gotten the best of me, 267 00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:06,811 but if you will have me, I would be most honored... 268 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,246 to call you my wife. 269 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:14,852 Oh! [Coughs] A simple "no" would have sufficed. 270 00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:17,322 [Laughing] Hey, hey. 271 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:21,359 Okay. All right. That one got in my mouth. That's really not cool. 272 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:25,497 You listen to me, you pale-faced English dick-hole. You got a revolution coming. 273 00:14:25,566 --> 00:14:29,433 And pretty soon all of the slaves are gonna be free, and I will be owned by no man. 274 00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,970 I am a fool... Yeah. 275 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:38,877 Having allowed myself to imagine us back in my sprawling manor in England. 276 00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:43,682 You on my arm adorned in magnificent garments, dressed in the finest jewels, and... 277 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:47,285 Whoa, whoa, Cricks. Back it up a little bit. You're talking about garments and jewelry? 278 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:51,355 But alas, my love cannot mend our differences. 279 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,770 Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Your love... Your love can. 280 00:14:53,794 --> 00:14:57,662 Your love is... Your love is currently doing that. So you just... 281 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,131 You didn't mention anything about the sprawling manor and all the garments. 282 00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,245 That was stupid. I thought you just said that you... 283 00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:06,504 Yeah, I di... I did, I did. But it's... Your love, it's like... [Grunts] 284 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,274 It's filling me up with all kinds of stuff, and... Is it? 285 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,810 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is! Let's do this! What? 286 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,856 Let's get married! Yeah! [Chuckles] 287 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,680 Oh, Lady Deandra. Yes! 288 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:18,883 You have made me the happiest man alive! Eww! 289 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,830 We're gonna have to work up to that, though, 'cause you are crazy ugly. 290 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:25,290 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Keep your pants on, curly. Yeah. 291 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:28,204 You want the slave? You gotta pay for the slave! 292 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,861 What? I'm sorry? 293 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,341 We're not gonna give her to you for free. Yeah. 294 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,866 You gotta sweeten the pot. Huh? [Blows Raspberry] 295 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,380 How'd you like to buy some guns? Yeah. 296 00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:41,306 Guns? 297 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,176 - I shall buy your guns. - [Dee] Yes! 298 00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:47,189 I shall buy your guns! No, no, no, no. 299 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,747 Not yet. Not yet. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. 300 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,816 [Spits] [Groans] 301 00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:54,152 Why does he keep spitting in my mouth? [Spits] 302 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:56,520 Who is this man? [Spits] 303 00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:02,560 [Squealing] [Dennis] Ah, hello to you, sirs. 304 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,897 And to you, ladies. These heels are almost impossible to walk in. 305 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,811 Get over it, dude. You gotta walk in them, okay? Now let me hear the voice. 306 00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,614 [Teeth Whistling] No. I don't think the voice is entirely necessary. I'm not gonna do it. 307 00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,317 Bro, if we're gonna wipe away all traces of our colonial background and blend in... 308 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:17,120 with British culture, we need to walk the walk and we need to talk the talk. 309 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:22,480 Fine. How do you do it? Your voice needs to come off as elegant as your clothing, okay? 310 00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:26,718 So try this. [Clears Throat, British Accent] Would you like a spot of tea? 311 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:31,522 You: Ye-e-e-e-es! 312 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:35,760 [British Accent] Would you like a spot of tea? Ye-e-es! 313 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,940 Draw it out more. Draw it out more than that? 314 00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:41,465 Oh, yes. Ye-e-e-e-es. More than that. Ye-e-e-e-es! 315 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,467 Yeah, but... That's good. 316 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,015 You know what? Those wooden teeth are killing me. That lisp is stupid. 317 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,150 I think the wooden teeth are the whole thing that's saving this thing. 318 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,252 You sound ridiculous. No, I don't. I think it sounds pretty good. 319 00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:52,522 I'm not losing the teeth. Let's just move past that. Let's keep walking. 320 00:16:52,546 --> 00:16:54,479 Okay, try it again, try it again. 321 00:16:54,548 --> 00:16:56,914 Ye-e-e-e-es! 322 00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:59,651 Ye-e-e-e-es! [Laughs] 323 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,386 Ye-e-e-e-es! [Laughs] 324 00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:05,490 Ye-e-e-e-es! Good, good, good. Now flourish the pinkie. 325 00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:07,559 Flourish the pinkie. Ye-e-e-e-es! 326 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:11,229 Ye-e-e-e-es! Well, what have we got here? 327 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:14,665 A pair of poofs about town. 328 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:18,035 Sodomites in frilly lace. 329 00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:20,038 Oh! No, no! No! Nayeth! 330 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,040 Oh, nayeth, nayeth! No! Nayeth, no! 331 00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:25,187 We are simply two noble British men out on a stroll. Yes, yes, yes. 332 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,145 Good day, sir. Good day! 333 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,625 Oh, goodness. Oh. [Chuckles Weakly] 334 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:34,519 - Boys, get the tar. - [Both Chuckle] 335 00:17:34,588 --> 00:17:36,520 Shit. 336 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:40,291 - [Gunfire In Distance] - Deandra, come and help me count my gold. 337 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,226 I'm not your slave anymore, Franklin. 338 00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:46,164 I'm about to go live like the goddamn queen of England and never see you two bitches again. 339 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,067 Charles, I told you the revolution pays. 340 00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:51,536 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But look at this, huh? 341 00:17:51,605 --> 00:17:55,106 Guys, there is a full-fledged revolution happening outside right now! 342 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:59,210 - It is a bloodbath! We have got to do something! - Whoa! Whoa! 343 00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,658 What? Let's back up and talk about what this is. 344 00:18:01,682 --> 00:18:04,716 No, this is not important right now! Oh, I think it's very important! 345 00:18:04,785 --> 00:18:07,051 There's a war happening outside. 346 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,532 We were acting like British nobleman. Then he couldn't drop the she-male thing. 347 00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,601 [Gunfire Intensifies] So we got tarred and feathered for being sodomites! 348 00:18:11,625 --> 00:18:14,103 Well, it is not... [Stammers] a she-male thing. [Mocking Stammer] 349 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,205 It's about... Goddamn it! We don't have time for this! 350 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,264 [Gasping] Help! 351 00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:21,532 - Help me! - Are you okay? Are you dying? 352 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,881 No, no! Don't die yet! Don't die yet until you get me to your mansion! 353 00:18:24,905 --> 00:18:27,772 No. I'm unscathed, my darling. Oh, thank God. 354 00:18:27,841 --> 00:18:29,886 This is the blood of my men. Yeah. 355 00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:34,111 We suffered too many casualties. All our guns jammed! 356 00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:37,420 Blame that on your witch wife. Let me see that. 357 00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:40,985 Permit me to hide out here till British reinforcements arrive... 358 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:44,188 and massacre the entire lot of rebels. 359 00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,558 Then shall we escape safely together, my darling. 360 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,528 Oh! Okay. I'm gonna go get you some water. 361 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:54,499 Hey, Cricks? When the reinforcements get here, Dennis and I are cool, right? 362 00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:58,068 We're not on your shit list. Yeah. Like we got tarred and feathered for your ass. So... 363 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:02,807 Protect me and I shall make sure that all of you are safe from the mighty sword of Bri... 364 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,110 - [All Gasp] - Oh, shit! 365 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,348 Goddamn it, Frank! You just ruined my whole life! 366 00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,484 Wait, wait, wait. Check his pulse. 367 00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:15,565 [Dee] He doesn't have a head! [Mac] Oh, my God! 368 00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:18,367 If the British come in here and find this body, we are screwed! Jesus, God, he's right! 369 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:21,437 We gotta get rid of this body! How are we gonna do that? Maybe we could bury it out back. 370 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,238 No, there's no time. We gotta burn that body. 371 00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,174 Burn? It's gonna call too much attention! 372 00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,632 Let's chop it up into a million pieces! I got an idea. 373 00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:30,534 Careful man. Steady. 374 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,037 [Grunts] It's heavy. 375 00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:35,840 - [Front Man] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - [Bell Clangs] 376 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,043 Shit! 377 00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:41,212 Bro, we just broke the Liberty Bell. 378 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,849 I'll get you, my pretties! [Cackling] 379 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,730 Pretties! [Cackling] It's totally broken! 380 00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:51,722 Stop... this... story! 381 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:55,793 - Okay? - We weren't quite finished yet. We were just climaxing there. 382 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,095 I've finished listening. 383 00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,164 Have you now? [Both Groan Softly] 384 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,801 Uh, okay. Well, that's fair. Uh, the end, I guess. 385 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:07,238 Uh, so are we an historical landmark now? 386 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,174 - No! - You gotta be kiddin' me. 387 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,221 It's such a good story. Yeah. 388 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,856 Maybe she didn't understand the story. Maybe we skimmed too much. 389 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,349 Well, let's tell the full story this time. Let's... We won't leave out any details. 390 00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,329 A lot more details. You know what? Sit back. Get comfortable. 391 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,265 This is gonna take a little longer this time. Okay. 392 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,821 You ready? It starts the same. 393 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,724 Okay. The year was 1776... 394 00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:04,762 [Voices Speaking Backwards] 36603

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