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1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,813
[Dee]What were you even doingin that crawl space, Charlie?
2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,305
[Charlie]Well, for starters,I was minding my own business.
3
00:00:06,373 --> 00:00:08,339
I was also trying to do
a little light reading.
4
00:00:08,408 --> 00:00:09,953
Then I was putting
some cheese in the rat traps.
5
00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:11,521
You were putting the cheese
in the rat traps?
Yes!
6
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,089
Can I smell your mouth?
Why?
7
00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:14,791
You were eating the cheese,
weren't you,
out of the rat traps?
8
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:17,249
No... Well, yes. I was eating
the old cheese to test it,
9
00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:18,850
see why the rats
weren't eating it.
10
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:21,397
Why are you always
doing such weird things?
I do weird things?
11
00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:23,188
Name another thing
that you think is weird!
12
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:26,269
Well, I caught you stealing
a bunch of coins out of
the fountain at Logan Circle.
13
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:31,129
I was acquiring a little bit
of cash to pay my spy, Dee.
Why do you have a spy?
14
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,576
To spy on the waitress!
Of course I have a spy!
Is that normal to you?
15
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,912
Shut up and give me
my book back please!
No!
16
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,948
Hey, guys.
What book you keep
going on about?
17
00:00:37,972 --> 00:00:40,483
- It's nothing.
You don't need to see it.
- Oh, my God.
18
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:44,409
Whoa. These are my...
These are my memoirs.
Charlie, you found my book.
19
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:48,112
I wrote a memoirs.
Hey, guys!
Charlie found my memoirs!
20
00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:50,894
- Your memoirs?
- I've been keeping track
of all my sexual exploits,
21
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:54,920
and I was gonna unleash them
on the world in a fiery blaze
of eroticism.
22
00:00:54,989 --> 00:00:58,256
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down a second, Dennis.
[Chuckles] You wrote a book?
23
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:01,893
Well, it's more of
a tale of redemption told
through my erotic travels.
24
00:01:01,961 --> 00:01:05,063
- Giddyap, man. That's amazing!
- That's good stuff, right?
Yeah.
25
00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:07,543
But then one day
the book just sort of
went mysteriously missing.
26
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:10,012
- Charlie, what the hell
were you doing with it?
- Well, since he can't read,
27
00:01:10,036 --> 00:01:12,549
I'm guessing
he was masturbating
to your pictures.
28
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,551
God damn!
Jackin' off to my...
God, no!
29
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,708
That is not at all...
What are you doing to me?
30
00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:18,810
Why are you doing this?
You've been riding me.
31
00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:20,990
Now you're
accusing me of things.
You just don't get it.
32
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,815
You don't know why I do
the things that I do.
It's nuts.
33
00:01:23,883 --> 00:01:26,296
You don't know
how hard I got it.
Got it pretty tough?
34
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,132
Your life is pretty hard?
I tell you what. How'd you like
to walk a mile in my shoes?
35
00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:31,089
Try your old buddy Charlie
on for size.
36
00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,903
You want me to walk a mile
in your shoes, 'cause I can't
handle your big, tough life?
37
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:37,462
- I will. That sounds fine
to me. I will do that.
- Oh, my God! Shut up!
38
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:40,432
Dennis, what's the name
of this book?
Ah.
39
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:44,202
"Dennis Reynolds:
An Erotic Life."
40
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:20,105
"I removed my robe
and stood before her,
41
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:23,875
"taut, nubile, proud.
42
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,943
"She was much, much older
than me,
43
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:29,748
"but her breasts were awesome.
44
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:35,086
I felt reborn, baptized
in erotic majesty."
45
00:02:35,154 --> 00:02:37,133
- Ooh!
- [Laugh]
Yeah!
46
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,558
This is some sweet smut!
Yeah!
47
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:41,560
I'm all boned-up
over here.
Me too.
48
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:44,796
Dennis, we should try and sell
this book. Personal memoirs
are huge right now.
49
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:48,199
Yeah, yeah, no. I'm gonna
sell the book, but I'm not
gonna let you guys be involved.
50
00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:50,480
Because every time you're
involved you get all excited
about something,
51
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,037
and then you give up
the minute we hit
the first speed bump.
52
00:02:53,105 --> 00:02:55,017
You need us, Dennis.
You're gonna need
some legal help.
53
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:57,775
Legal help? What the hell
are you talking about, man?
54
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,489
Bro, half the stories
you just read us
are total bullshit.
55
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,124
They're not bullshit.
What are you saying?
56
00:03:02,148 --> 00:03:05,684
Dennis, you were never
the personal sexual adviser
to Jon Bon Jovi.
57
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,931
And you never woke up
in a rehab facility
with the wounds of Christ...
58
00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:11,655
miraculously appearing
on your hands and feet.
59
00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:13,684
Yeah, man, but I banged
that girl in the fountain.
60
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,705
That story was true...
the hot dogs, the oatmeal,
everything.
61
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,441
Dude, you don't want to end up
like that Million Little Pieces
guy. All right?
62
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:21,844
Oprah made him look
like a total dick.
Oh, that guy was a turd.
63
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,369
I mean, come on.
Just take some
of those stories out.
64
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:28,406
No, see, Frank, he can't take
those stories out. That's the
rub. That's why he needs us.
65
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:32,343
Because the public loves
those crazy celebrity stories
and rehab shit.
66
00:03:32,411 --> 00:03:36,347
Okay, so what are you thinking?
I'm thinking we take some
of the really good stories...
67
00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:40,952
You know, the Jon Bon Jovi,
the Christ-wound stigmatas...
and we re-create them.
68
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:43,799
We make them true
so that people can't prove
that they didn't happen.
69
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:47,091
Oh, my God. Re-create some
of the better stories in here
and then we have proof.
70
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,138
Yes!
Holy shit, man.
That's a good idea.
71
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:52,882
Now, first things first.
We gotta figure out how
to get you in a rehab.
72
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,202
Charlie, do I really
have to sleep here?
73
00:03:58,271 --> 00:03:59,815
If you're gonna
walk a mile in my shoes,
74
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:01,884
this is a pretty big part
of that mile,
don't you think?
75
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,543
Now here. Put these on.
No. I don't want to wear one
of your dirty sleeping outfits.
76
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:09,280
I'm sorry, but my "outfits,"
as you like to call them,
serve a very specific purpose.
77
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:12,450
This isn't just for fun.
I don't have any heating ducts
in this apartment.
78
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:14,497
It gets freezing in here
at night, all right?
79
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:18,289
Now, in case you have
to pee-pee, I got this
for you, all right?
80
00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:20,736
Oh, my God!
Goddamn it! Frank was
supposed to empty that!
81
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:24,596
Charlie, no wonder
it reeks in here! You have
open cans of pee everywhere!
82
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,967
Well, I'm sorry. But you do not
want to use that bathroom! Okay,
now eat one of these, all right?
83
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:32,548
You're gonna wanna
huff a little glue
and drink some beer.
84
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,951
This is cat food, Charlie.
Well, Dee,
I can't explain it!
85
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,953
There's some sort
of weird chemical reaction
that happens...
86
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,910
when you combine cat food,
beer and glue.
87
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:42,079
It makes you feel
extremely sick and tired,
and you're able to fall asleep.
88
00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:44,259
Why would I want
to make myself
extremely sick and tired?
89
00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:47,443
'Cause there's gonna be
about 50 cats howling outside
that window all night long,
90
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,088
and you have no idea
how loud 50 cats can be.
91
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:51,834
Maybe there wouldn't be cats
surrounding your building...
92
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,569
if you didn't have open cans
of cat food everywhere!
93
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:55,571
I have 50 cats howling
outside my window,
94
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,807
because I have 10,000 rats
running around my building!
95
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,209
Okay? I'm not an idiot!
Stop yelling.
You're spitting cat food on me.
96
00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:02,745
There's a reason to do
the things that I... Oh.
[Stomach Rumbling]
97
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,003
I don't feel good.
[Cat Meows]
98
00:05:05,071 --> 00:05:10,274
And it's starting right on time.
If I were you, I'd start
wolfin' that shit down.
99
00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:12,343
I gotta go to sleep.
100
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:15,880
Oh, I'm not feeling good at all.
101
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,787
[Grunting]
102
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,891
[Cats Meowing]
103
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,960
[Stomachs Gurgling]
104
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,535
[Loud Meowing]
105
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,544
[Exhales Forcefully]
106
00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:52,884
[Man, Woman Arguing, Indistinct]
107
00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:54,953
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
108
00:05:58,157 --> 00:06:02,427
[Man]♪ You cast a spell on meI was blind but now I see ♪
109
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:04,529
♪♪ [Fades]
110
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,830
[Grunting]
111
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,001
[Women Arguing, Indistinct]
112
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:25,816
Come play with us forever
and ever and ever...
113
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,519
and ever.
[Screams]
114
00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:31,956
[Urinating]
Ocupado.
115
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,092
[Gasps]
116
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:38,663
Mmm. All gone. All gone.
[Gags]
117
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,872
Wake up! Let's go!
Time to start the day.
What?
118
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,319
Time to get up!
Charlie! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
119
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:53,089
There's evil twins
in the hallway
and a twitching junkie...
120
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,646
What? How much of
that glue did you huff?
121
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,893
- I don't know.
As much as you did.
- As much as me?
122
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:01,486
Really? [Chuckles]Well, that's probablyway too much glue for you, Dee.
123
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,955
Hey, check it out.
You just had yourself
a glue O.D.
124
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,702
Those are pretty regular
in my life. So you learned
another lesson.
Okay.
125
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:09,794
Don't do too much glue
or your night sucks.
Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.
126
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:13,141
You're saying that your life
is so terrible because you eat
rat cheese and cat food...
127
00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:15,967
and huff glue all day long?
Uh, yeah!
128
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,802
Those aren't real problems,
Charlie.
129
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,182
What do you mean,
they're not real problems?
You make those problems up!
130
00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:23,307
You choose to do that stuff!
Those are solutions
to problems!
131
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,154
Oh, my God.
You know what?
Hold on a second.
132
00:07:26,178 --> 00:07:29,647
We're gonna turn the tables
here. You're gonna walk
a mile in my shoes now,
133
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:33,284
and you're gonna see what it's
like to live in the real world
and have actual problems!
134
00:07:33,352 --> 00:07:35,286
Okay. You got some glue
on your face though.
135
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:38,122
You might want
to wash that off.
Oh, goddamn it.
136
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,796
Okay, plan is simple. You're
gonna hang out at the rehab
facility for a couple of days...
137
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:47,584
while we get the ball
rolling with Bon Jovi.
Uh, yeah.
138
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,967
I gotta say I'm a little
skeptical about you guys...
139
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:52,570
being able to get in touch
with Jon Bon Jovi.
140
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,150
What? What do you mean?
He's from New Jersey.
[Fingers Snap]
141
00:07:55,174 --> 00:07:57,452
Piece of cake.
Have a little faith
in us please.
142
00:07:57,476 --> 00:08:01,545
Plus, it's easy. We just get
you into a room with him, snap a
couple of photos, we got proof.
143
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:04,326
Bing, bang, boom. We're done.
Now, let's talk stigmatas.
That's it, huh?
144
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:07,184
Mmm.
Uh, right. Do we have
to do the stigmatas?
145
00:08:07,253 --> 00:08:10,499
You know this publisher is gonna
have a fact checker, right?
Yeah.
146
00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:13,135
You don't want to end up like
the Million Little Pieces guy,
do you?
147
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,571
I brought a nail gun.
Oh, is that
what that is?
148
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:17,740
Yeah.
No, no. Look, you're not
gonna shoot nails in me.
149
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:21,499
No. I think a couple
of severe burns from the cigar
is what's gonna do the trick.
150
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,011
What?
No, you need
deep wounds.
151
00:08:23,035 --> 00:08:24,513
No, wait.
This'll give you
deep wounds.
152
00:08:24,537 --> 00:08:26,248
Hold on a second! No!
I can get these
pretty deep.
153
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:28,850
Nobody's gonna burn me
or shoot me full of nails!
Dennis, calm down!
154
00:08:28,874 --> 00:08:30,474
You focus on your art, okay?
155
00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:33,222
Frank and I will handle
all the business end of things.
Hang on a second.
156
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:36,814
If you guys really
want to do the stigmata...
157
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:39,416
Okay. Good work, Frank.
158
00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:41,430
I think we should just probably
leave the body right here.
159
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,399
Yeah, we can leave him here.
In the morning they'll
come out and find him.
160
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,943
All right,
give me his hands.
Yo.
161
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:50,394
[Man]I don't go to a therapist.I just go to bars.
162
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:53,241
If you walk up to
the nearest drunk guy
and bump him from behind,
163
00:08:53,265 --> 00:08:56,145
he always turns around
and goes, "Hey, man.
What's your problem?"
164
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:59,269
[Continues, Indistinct]
[Chuckles]
This guy is great.
165
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:01,684
Do you come here every night?
Every night, huh?
This is great.
166
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,709
Hey, do they have food too?
'Cause I could go for some food.
No, no. No food.
167
00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:06,755
I don't eat
while I'm here.
When do you eat?
168
00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:09,814
I don't.
Why don't you eat dinner, Dee?
You gotta eat dinner sometime.
169
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:12,116
Because when you perform
your nerves make you
dry heave,
170
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:15,430
and you better hope you don't
have any food in your stomach.
You're gonna perform?
171
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:19,924
All right. Now, this next lady
y'all know, because she's here
almost every night.
172
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,493
Let's hope she's got
some new jokes this time.
173
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,998
Everybody put your hands
together for Deandra Reynolds!
174
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:30,868
[Applause Smattering]
175
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:34,739
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
How's everybody doing tonight?
[Chuckles Weakly]
176
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:40,645
So, you guys,
what's the deal with
those hands-free headsets...
177
00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:44,348
that everybody's wearing
in their ears, right?
[Gags]
178
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:52,189
It's like, "Hey, everybody,
look at me! I'm one part robot
and three parts asshole!"
179
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,793
[Gagging]
[Man]Jesus Christ!
180
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:02,767
[Exhales Heavily]
I mean, am I right, or am I...
[Gags, Coughs] Screw it!
181
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,635
[Applause Smattering]
182
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:08,940
Wow. Well, at least it was
short and dry this time.
183
00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:13,310
[Laughing]
Dee, what are you doing to
yourself? That is terrible.
184
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:16,058
Why would you do that?
You just gotta put in
your dues, you know?
185
00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:19,750
You gotta take it one step at
a time when you want to be an
actor. Just climb to the top.
186
00:10:19,818 --> 00:10:23,921
What? This is about being
an actor? Why in God's name are
you still trying to be an actor?
187
00:10:23,989 --> 00:10:27,036
Okay, we all have our hopes
and dreams. You're still trying
to get with the waitress.
188
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,660
I'm still trying to act.
We just do whatever
we need to do.
189
00:10:29,728 --> 00:10:32,941
Oh, is it funny? You better get
ready, guy, 'cause you're next.
Huh?
190
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:36,334
Let's hear itfor a newcomer here tonight,Mr. Charlie Kelly!
191
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:42,418
So, you guys,
you ever eat cheese?
Cheese is a funny thing.
192
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,954
Cheese is a strange thing.
I always wonder, like,
what is cheese?
193
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,911
Where does it... [Gagging]
194
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:54,618
We gotta figure out
how to get you into rehab.
195
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:56,954
Let's talk stigmatas.
196
00:10:57,022 --> 00:10:59,801
You need
deep wounds.
No, no, wait.
197
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:02,226
[Mac]
Rehab... Rehab...
198
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,294
Yo, punk.
199
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,363
Wake up, punk.
200
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:08,713
Yo, punk!
Ow!
201
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,216
Yeah, you in hell,
all right!
What?
202
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:17,375
You know what?
My name is Sinbad!
This Sinbad's house!
203
00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:20,356
When you're in Sinbad house,
you're my bitch!
Listen...
204
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,447
[Sniffs]
Yeah, you know who that is?
205
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:26,550
Huh? That's Rob Thomas.
Matchbox 20! Sing a song.
206
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:28,119
Uh... Shut up!
207
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,089
Matchbox 20? Eww!
208
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:33,469
You the man, huh?
You gonna punk him like that?
No, no!
209
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,905
Stay back, man. No! Matter
of fact, unleash the fury.
Get his shoe!
What?
210
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:39,408
Beat his testicles!
Beat his testicles!
No, no, no! Don't beat!
211
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:42,633
Don't, don't, don't, don't!
Come on. Rob Thomas
and Si... Sinbad.
212
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,582
Uh, look, man.
I'm pretty confused
about what I'm seeing here.
213
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:48,038
And I'm in a lot of pain.
Just tell me what's going on.
214
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:50,987
It's the pain, huh?
My bad. I didn't know
you was hurting like that.
215
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,956
My bad. 'Cause I've hurt
before. You've hurt before.
We all hurt.
216
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,859
So I'm gonna just break it down
now. Introduce myself right.
That was wrong.
217
00:11:56,883 --> 00:12:01,018
I'm Sinbad. There's my
head shot. Autograph for you
a little later on.
218
00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:04,054
And this is Sinbad's house.
[Shouting]
And you're my bitch!
219
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,934
I'm gonna
show you how...
[Door Opens]
220
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:09,037
- Everything okay in here?
- Hey, what's up, Jerome? Man,
he keep throwin' his shoe.
221
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:12,429
- He crazy.
- Let's go. Everybody should
be in bed with the lights off.
222
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:15,633
We're tryin' to go to sleep.
He keep throwin' shoes at us.
223
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:18,847
You're about to get me
jacked up, man! Is that
what you're tryin' to do?
224
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:21,205
Shut up!
Man, I'll poke your eye out!
225
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:25,343
See this?
This one on you,
and this one on Rob Thomas.
226
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,179
I own both y'all!
227
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,414
Watch your ass, new meat.
228
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:40,591
All righty then.
See you soon. Bye-bye.
[Chuckling]
229
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:45,162
- Hey, dude.
- I just made a date with that
girlie rock star's people.
230
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:47,877
- Bon Jovi? Oh!
- Yeah. He owns
the Philadelphia Soul...
231
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,400
The arena football team.
232
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:51,936
- I just offered to buy it.
- Awesome!
233
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:53,983
All right, I'm gonna pretend
that I have terminal cancer...
234
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,140
and get him to do
an acoustic set on my deathbed.
235
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,387
Wait. Why would you do that?
You don't have to do that.
236
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,013
No, it's great, bro. Rock stars
do the cancer-kid thing
all the time. Look, Frank!
237
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,359
No!
You got us into a room
with Jovi's people, right?
238
00:13:04,383 --> 00:13:07,618
I'm gonna get us into a room
with Jovi himself!
I'm sorry! That's a stupid idea.
239
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:10,566
I don't want you to do it.
I already got a bald-cap guy
and everything.
240
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,201
You're just
confusing everything!
241
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,436
There's nothing confusing
about it, Frank!
It's very, very simple!
242
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,528
Shut up!
Shut your big mouth
right now!
243
00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:22,900
I will put my foot down
right now! You are not going
in there with that cancer thing!
244
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,803
I don't care what you say!
So get it out of your head!
245
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:29,774
Okay. Jesus, dude.
I won't do the cancer thing.
246
00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,776
Relax.
247
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:36,814
So, Mr. Reynolds,you're interested in buyingour arena football team.
248
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:42,086
Big time!
But I want to do business
with Mr. Von Joni himself.
249
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:47,191
Bon Jovi?
Yeah!
Mr. Bovine Joni himself.
250
00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:50,061
I'm offering $40 million
for the team.
251
00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:53,197
Wow. Well, that is
a very generous offer.
252
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:57,367
But I must admit I'm a little
bit confused about one thing.
253
00:13:57,436 --> 00:14:00,315
What's confusing
about 40 million?
That's a shitload of money.
254
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:06,110
It is. It is. I'm a little
confused as to why you've chosen
to involve this gentleman here.
255
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:10,014
Uh... [Sighs]
Well, if I may, I'd like to
explain to you why I'm here.
256
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,649
Uh, ma'am, I am dying
of very terminal cancer,
257
00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:16,721
and I would like to request
a private bedside concert
from Mr. Bon Jovi.
258
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,223
Ahh.
Now, Sambora's presence
is not necessary.
259
00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:22,993
But it would be nice if
he was involved. Question:
Is this a laser pointer?
260
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:24,422
Yes.
Can I have it?
261
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:26,497
No.
I'm gonna take it anyway.
262
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:29,078
Please don't listen
to anything he says.
No, no. No, Frank.
263
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:32,336
I'll give you $60 million
for the team.
Frank, you... I got it.
264
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:35,217
We're talking
about cancer.
We're negotiating!
265
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:37,752
You're not negotiating shit.
We're onto
the cancer thing now.
266
00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:39,988
That is the way that
it's gonna go from here.
267
00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:44,181
Okay. I'm just gonna
throw this out there.
I don't think you have cancer.
268
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,984
What? What are you
talking about? No, that's chemo.
That's chemotherapy right there.
269
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:52,022
And for the record,
when you go through chemo,
your beard hair falls out too.
270
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:54,069
Are you sure?
I asked a lot of people!
271
00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:57,128
I asked my bald-cap guy!
I told you not to do
the cancer thing!
272
00:14:57,196 --> 00:15:00,897
But it was working until you got
in with the bullshit numbers!
Goddamn it!
273
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:04,902
You know, I'm not even
really bald. I have a full
head of hair. Not like him.
274
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:12,610
Not only do I consider it
magnificent, I have a sneaking
suspicion it's pretty good.
275
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:14,945
[Slurping]
Hey!
276
00:15:15,014 --> 00:15:17,881
On his eyes.
Shine it on his dick.Shine it on his dick!
277
00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:20,484
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Laughing]
278
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:22,698
Look at his dick!
♪♪ [Cell Phone Ring Tone:Country]
279
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:25,856
Oh, that's me. That's my phone.
My phone is ringing.
Sorry, that's me.
280
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,903
Hey, dude.
Where you been?
281
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,460
I'm in rehab, dude!
Oh, yeah.
282
00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:32,574
Hey, that whole Jovi
thing went south,
283
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,776
so I think we're just gonna
scrap the whole book ordeal.
[Slurping]
284
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,734
- What are you talking about?
- [Beeping]
285
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,014
I got another call, buddy.
No, no!
No, don't...
286
00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:41,839
Hello?
[Man]
Bill, what's happening?
287
00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:43,986
Who are you
looking for?
Bill. Who's this?
288
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:46,688
Oh, this is Mac.
You got the wrong number.
Oh, my bad.
289
00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:48,890
Yeah. No problem.
What number were you
trying to call?
290
00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:51,382
- Shh!
- ♪♪ [Cell Phone Ring Tone:Disco]
291
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,762
- Hello?
- Frank, you gotta
get me outta here, man!
292
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,465
Where are you?
I'm in rehab,
goddamn it!
293
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,789
Well, I'm in a movie,
and this broad's about
to get naked.
294
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:01,858
So I gotta go.
No, no, no!
Yeah. No, that's okay.
295
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,908
Yeah, I thought
it was some chick.
Who are you talking to?
296
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:07,642
I'm talking to Bill.
And anyway, so...
297
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:09,511
No, I'm not Bill.
I'm Terry.
Bill?
298
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:12,447
I'm sorry. No, it's Terry.
Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway,
these cat people hated me...
299
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,184
Terry? What number did he want?
'cause I kept calling
them over and over.
300
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,985
Will you please shut up!
[Terry]Who's that?
301
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:20,122
I got some dick in
a movie theater giving me shit.
Why you turn around like that?
302
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,124
Yeah. Nice talking
to you. All right.
Call me back.
303
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,126
I'll talk to
you afterwards. Bye.
[Muttering]
304
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,195
Give me
the laser pointer.
What a jerk.
305
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:30,454
I know. Watch this. I'm gonna
do it on the back of his head.
[Chuckling]
306
00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:33,023
Bro, you wore
the battery down.
Oh.
307
00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:37,427
Well, how am I supposed
to use it now?
'Cause you... Jerk!
308
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,474
I'm a jerk?
Yeah.
You're a jerk.
309
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:42,332
You're walking around with
that bald cap on all day,
and I'm a jerk.
310
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:45,869
It was expensive. I'm sorry.
I want to get my money's worth.
You're talking to a guy...
311
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:49,473
Will you please be quiet?
Who talks like this in
the middle of a movie theater?
312
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:53,410
Hey. Hey, you don't know
how hard I got it, pal.
313
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:57,214
You don't know
how tough it is bein' me.
What?
314
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:02,486
It's not that tough to be you,
Frank. What is so difficult
about your life?
315
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:06,757
Yeah, try walkin' a mile
in my shoes once in a while
and then talk to me.
316
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:10,294
[Man In Film]Would you allow meto show you my...
317
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:14,265
[Thinking]
Our eyes locked,
our hands touched,
318
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:16,533
and she whispered in my ear,
319
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:20,337
"Dude, your balls
totally rule."
[Door Opens]
320
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:22,406
[Sinbad]What the hell you thinkyou doing, man?
321
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:26,076
I heard about this shit!
It's gonna stop!
Take his book, Rob!
322
00:17:26,144 --> 00:17:27,990
Whoa, whoa, wait!
[Yelping]
323
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,292
Come on. I was just
in the middle of some
really erotic stuff.
324
00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:33,484
Yeah, I heard about that shit.
You trying to write memoirs
and erotic shit.
325
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,086
Know what?
You don't write it, bitch!
I'll write it!
326
00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:40,391
What is your problem, Sinbad?
Think you Jesus?
You think you Jesus?
327
00:17:40,459 --> 00:17:44,161
Ain't no Jesus here
'cept me! I'm Jesus!
328
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,575
What the hell, man?
You stole my thing!
329
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:49,900
No, no. My thing is bigger.
Rule of the land.
Big is my thing now.
330
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:53,837
Took it. Bam! Mine!
Fine. But what does Rob Thomas
have to do with any of this?
331
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,340
You know Rob... You know what
he's got to do with it?
332
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,709
He do whatever I tell him do,
because he's my bitch, bitch!
333
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,458
Let's get out of here.
We're gonna read some smut.
Come on, man.
334
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,549
Shut up. Give it to him.
Give it... No, I'm playing!
[Laughs]
335
00:18:05,617 --> 00:18:09,186
[Door Closes]
I gotta get outta here.
336
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,937
This is my day,
and this is where I come
at the end of the day...
337
00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,460
before I head off to Paddy's.
338
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,828
Why do you come to the fountain?
The fountain's my thing.
339
00:18:18,897 --> 00:18:21,042
Well, I'll tell you why
I come to the fountain.
340
00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:24,735
I come here every single day
to throw money into this thing
to wish for a better life.
341
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:27,438
Money that you
apparently steal for spies!
342
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:29,618
Okay, so essentially, Charlie,
you're stealing my dreams!
343
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:33,310
- If you don't mind, I'm gonna
get those dreams back now.
- No, those are my spy coins.
344
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:35,757
That's my money anyway!
You can't have that!
How is that your money?
345
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,794
It's itchy. This is what I
gotta go through to get laid.
Frank, shut up!
346
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,796
You're just pissed off,
'cause I pull it off
better than you.
347
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,753
You don't pull it off
better than anything.
348
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:47,023
You better not lose your hair,
'cause you're an ugly bald man.
Not as ugly as you, bitch.
349
00:18:47,092 --> 00:18:49,071
Ah!
What are we doing here?
350
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:53,464
This is the time of day
when I come to the fountain.
Why?
351
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,966
When I was a kid
I used to swim in this fountain.
352
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:58,269
A bunch of bullies
kicked me out.
353
00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:03,407
So I wait until this
time of day and come back
and piss in the fountain.
354
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,521
I've been pissin'
in the fountain
for 50 years.
355
00:19:06,545 --> 00:19:10,180
Well, why are you
still pissing in it?
To get back at their kids!
356
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:13,584
- Greedy, greedy! Greedy Dee!
- You can't have a good lifewithout your dreams!
357
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:17,221
Is that Dee and Charlie?
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
What the hell?
358
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:21,425
These are my dreams!
They mean something to me!
It's anyone's coins!
359
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,406
Yo, Charlie and Dee!
Yo, Charlie and Dee!
[Shouting, Arguing]
360
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:26,408
Deandra!
What are you doing?
Dee!
361
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:30,634
I'm taking my dreams back!
What are you guys doing?
362
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:33,415
Frank's gonna piss
in the fountain.
I do it every day.
363
00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:35,906
Hey, I like
your haircut, man.
What's going on up here?
364
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,042
You can't tell.
Charlie, it's a bald cap.
365
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:40,522
It's not even real!You can't tell, huh?
Oh, my God!
366
00:19:40,546 --> 00:19:42,758
[Charlie] That's awesome![Dee]No, you can you can tell.
367
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:46,316
- [Charlie] You say you weregonna piss in the fountain?
- You're in it.
368
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:48,930
Hey, Dennis!
What's up, buddy?
Come here!
369
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:50,498
What you doing?
Hey, guys.
370
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,168
Huh?
I use this fountain
for its healing powers.
371
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:56,460
Plus, it does wonders for my
skin. [Gibberish] But that's
not important right now!
372
00:19:56,529 --> 00:20:00,430
- You're not gonna believe this.
Sinbad was trying to kill me!
- What?
373
00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:04,300
Yeah, Sinbad the comedian.
He was in the rehab center.
He was trying to kill me.
374
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,404
And then Rob Thomas,
the lead singer of Matchbox 20?
He was in there too.
375
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:10,841
- Is any of that making sense?
- No.
376
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:15,345
Uh, time-time out, time
out, time out. Did you
or did you not meet Sinbad?
377
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:18,026
Yeah. I met Sinbad. But...
Can you prove
that stuff?
378
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,916
Oh, yeah.
This happened just moments ago!
379
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:21,964
Boom!
Memoir's back on.
Me!
380
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,900
Rob Thomas is a douche bag, but
the public eats that shit up!
Yeah!
381
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,235
The memoirs thing is done!
We gotta go back
to that rehab.
382
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,393
No, no!
We can't go back there!
That's too dangerous!
383
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:32,106
No, we have to prove it.
We gotta take photos.
We have to sign documents.
384
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:36,666
- Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan!
- Sinbad is not the man
that you think he is, Charlie!
385
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:39,415
We'll take care of you.
We'll watch your back.
I am not going back!
386
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:42,399
I'd like to meet him.
I hope he's wearing something
made out of windbreaker.
387
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,109
Okay, guys. This is it.
[Mac]
What the hell is this?
388
00:20:46,179 --> 00:20:51,482
It's the rehab center.
That's not the rehab center.
That's the rehab center.
389
00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:54,329
Well, this is wherethey brought me afteryou guys dropped me off.
390
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:57,098
Everybody, you gotta
stay close to me, okay?
You have to protect me,
391
00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:59,835
because like most comedians
Sinbad is very angry
on the inside.
392
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:03,927
Come on. Come on!
Do you think he'll, like,
autograph my shirt? Or, like...
393
00:21:03,995 --> 00:21:07,698
He will autograph your face
until it is bloody to a pulp.
Now come on!
394
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:11,901
So, like...like what is this place, dude?[Door Closes]
395
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:15,105
Hey!
Oh, hell, no!
396
00:21:15,173 --> 00:21:17,319
We told you not
to come back here,
freak!
397
00:21:17,343 --> 00:21:18,909
Wh-Where's Sinbad?
398
00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:22,880
Oh, you call me Sinbad
one more time,
I'm gonna knock you out.
399
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:25,760
- What the hell
is going on here?
- This dude broke in here,
400
00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:29,386
and has been running around
ranting and raving
about memoirs and Sinbad!
401
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:32,322
So... So you lied to us, Dennis?
402
00:21:32,391 --> 00:21:35,025
No, I didn't lie.
No, I swear to God.
This was all real.
403
00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:38,194
- Sinbad was here, I swear!
- That's it.
I'm calling the cops.
404
00:21:38,263 --> 00:21:40,208
You thought that
dude was Sinbad.
This guy?
405
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:41,943
Maybe that blow to the head
did a little more damage
than we thought.
406
00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:44,012
That's not Sinbad, dude!
I know that's
not Sinbad!
407
00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:46,414
Is this some sort
of sick fantasy?
No, it's not a fantasy!
408
00:21:46,438 --> 00:21:49,318
I didn't make it up!
Sinbad was here! I swear!
Well, guess what, guy?
409
00:21:49,342 --> 00:21:53,677
The memoir is dead again!
I can't believe
you didn't meet Sinbad!
410
00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:56,113
Do you even realize how excited
I was to meet Sinbad!
411
00:21:56,182 --> 00:21:58,160
Sinbad's a hilarious comedian.
Goddamn it.
Son of a bitch.
412
00:21:58,184 --> 00:22:00,117
That guy is like some dude
in green pants.
413
00:22:00,186 --> 00:22:02,964
I don't even see how
this could be happening.
It all seemed so real.
414
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:05,488
[Door Closes]
I need to see a doctor.
415
00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:09,793
Psst.
No, you don't, bitch!
416
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,563
- Wake up! Yeah,you in hell all right!
- Ow!
417
00:22:13,632 --> 00:22:16,199
- Oh, what the hell, man?
- Hell, no!
418
00:22:16,268 --> 00:22:18,628
You call me Sinbad
one more time...
419
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:25,542
Yeah. I should definitely
see a doctor.
420
00:23:04,650 --> 00:23:07,584
[Voices Speaking Backwards]
40804
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