All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S04E08.Paddys.Pub.The.Worst.Bar.in.Philadelphia.480p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

Oh! It's just so doggone thin!

- Oh, it's incredibly thin.
- Yeah.

It's thin, sure,
but, I gotta say,
I don't care for it.

Charlie, the thinner the TV,
the better the TV. I mean,
that's a straight-up fact.

Guys, guys, guys! Check it out!
We got a review in the paper!

Read it, read it!
No way! Is it a good review?

"The first thing
I noticed about Paddy's Pub
is its charm."

- All right.
It's a good review. Okay.
- It's a good start.

- "It has none."
- Are you serious?

"There was an ominous feeling
that you could get stabbed
at any moment."

That's good, right?
How is that good?

That's the exact
type of atmosphere I've
been trying to cultivate.

But while danger may linger,
I'm the levelheaded bouncer
that keeps violence in check,

like Swayze in Roadhouse.

I'm the cooler.
"In check"? There have
been many stabbings in here.

Yeah. I feel unsafe here
every single day.
Oh, very often.

Look, stabbings
have been down though.
Read some more.

"When I ordered a glass of wine,

"not only did the surly,
white-trash waitress
refuse to make it,

but she proceeded to call me
a word that I cannot
print in this paper."

- Surly?
- "I was forced to listen to
the three classless boors...

"who call themselves
the owners...

get drunk and yell over
each other all night."

Classless boors?
I am not
a classless boor.

Well, I am not white trash.
I am a kind and a generous
and a good-natured lady.

Well, I... I do seem
to remember you calling
the guy a faggot.

I absolutely called him
a faggot. He ordered chardonnay.
What was I supposed to do?

"Having reviewed every bar
in Philadelphia,

I hereby officially
declare Paddy's Pub to be
the worst bar in Philly."

- Hi. Are you Mr. Lyle Korman?
- Yes. Can I help you?

Oh, nice to meet you.
We're here from Paddy's Pub.

We have come down
to give you the opportunity
to give us another chance.

Yeah, here's the thing.
We felt that your first review
was just a tiny bit off base.

Yeah, as you can see,
we're not white trash.
Yeah.

Oh, really? Then in that case,
can you ask your friend to
put down that hammer, please?

Ah. Uh, don't let
the hammer throw you,
Korman.

We are classy,
interesting people.

Okay. I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Don't be rude.
We just came to have a talk.

This is a private o...
I'm gonna have to get security.

Okay. We can play it
that way, Korman.

But you should know
that we would have
no problem suing you.

Suing me? What are you
gonna sue me for?

Uh, libel, slander.
There's two of the big dogs
right there.

It's only libel
if what I write is false.

You know what, buddy?

We will jam your asshole up with
so many lawyers, you won't know
what to do with yourself.

I'll have you know, we have a
team of lawyers on retainer just
to deal with people like you.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, check this out. Oh!
You're all out of time, bitch!

Boom!

You just got faced!
This just in,
poo-poo pants.

People don't read
newspapers anymore.

Oh!

How's that for class?

Nice. Brand-new
Blu-ray DVD player
all hooked up.

Hey, all right.
Where are we
gonna put it?

We need, like,
a flat surface.
Hmm.

Here we go.
You know what?
We'll dangle it.

Yeah. That looks better.
We're not dangling anything.
That's very white trash.

What is the point
of having all this expensive,
new status-symbol stuff...

if we're just gonna
make it look terrible?

- Hey, you guys want
to see something?
- What?

I did something.

- Holy shit!
- Wha... You kidnapped Korman?

I don't really know
what happened. First I was
angry, then I was drinking.

Next thing, I'm following
this guy home and forcing him
into the trunk of his own car.

Jesus Christ, this is bad!
Really bad!

Don't panic. Relax.
I drove him around in a circle
for a while, okay?

So he wouldn't know where he was
or how far away he'd gone.

But then you brought him back to
a place where he's already been!

And plus, he just heard
everything you just said!
He's right there, Charlie.

We can just release him.
That way this won't
be a kidnapping.

First, let's get him out
of the trunk, into the bar, then
figure out what we need to do.

How are we gonna
get him in the bar
without anyone seeing him?

- Easy. We roll him up in a rug.
- No, no, no!

- Where are we gonna get a rug?
- We buy a big oriental rug
and we roll him up in it.

Do you have any idea
how expensive rugs are?
Especially oriental rugs!

No! No rugs!
Just get him out of the car
and into the bar.

We'll figure it out.
Help me get him
out of the trunk.

So we're really sorry
about this, Mr. Korman.
Watch your head.

We're gonna help you, buddy.
It'll be okay.
It's not a kidnapping.

Oh, goddamn it.
Enjoy it.

We're all on the same page.
This is not a kidnapping.
No!

All right! But we need to keep
him a couple of hours so he
doesn't do anything rash.

Just borrowing him!
Go to the police.

That being said, let's
take a few precautions here.
We need to cover our tracks.

Why don't we shoot over to
Korman's place and make sure
Charlie left without a trace?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure
Charlie left with a trace.
He probably did.

Okay. And I'll use my cooling
abilities to smooth things over
with Korman.

Jesus Christ.
Are you still going on and on
about being a cooler?

You gotta give that shit up!
That cooler thing is not
helping right now!

Just get into the bar
and make sure Charlie
doesn't do anything stupid.

Okay. But can we establish
that I'm the cooler?
Oh, my God!

Get into the bar.
We're surrounded by idiots.

Look, this really
isn't necessary.

You don't have to tape me.
I'm sorry, man, but this
is the situation we're in.

I just feel like this is
the best thing to do here.
Jesus Christ, dude!

You can't tape him up like that!

Come on, man!
I mean, the guy
gets my goat, man!

He sits around all day.
He judges people with his words
and his fancy newspaper talk.

- It's bullshit, man!
- All right. What is it
that you people want?

Well, I'll tell you,
Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man.

I was thinking maybe you
could write a new review,
you know?

And this time maybe
add a few less lies.

How can I write a new review
if I am taped to a chair?

Come on, man.
See, he's twisting
everything I say around!

He's making me look
like an asshole, dude.
Okay, look.

- Nobody has to write anything
against their will, okay?
- Thank you.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Huh?

- I have to pee.
- Okay. Sidebar.

How's he gonna pee
if his hands are taped up?
Let him piss in his pants.

He can't piss in his pants,
Charlie!

I don't know why you're
so in love with this guy.
I'm not in love with him.

I just don't want to get
arrested for kidnapping.

What if we just
untie him for a second?
Not gonna work.

I used the last of the tape.
If you untie him, that tape's
not gonna stick back up...

Fine! Go down to the basement,
see if there's any more tape.
I'll take him to the bathroom.

I'll defuse the situation.
Fine.

Play it cool!
Play it cool.

Play it cool!

I'm sorry I yelled
at you, Mr. Korman.

I saw that!

I saw that!
You're out of here, bro!
You're out of here!

What are you doing?

What? I'm packing
to make it look like
Korman went on a vacation.

But you're all over the place.
You just put in a tropical shirt
and now two heavy coats.

I mean, is he going
to Cancún or Canada? You gotta
pay attention to the details.

This is how people get caught.
Aw, shit. You're right.
I'm leaving a trace.

No, no. Look, he's probably
under a lot of pressure with the
deadlines from the newspaper.

He should relax.
Go someplace tropical?

Cancún then? Perfect.
Tropical. We'll stick
to the Cancún story.

I will put an outgoing message
on his answering machine.
That is good thinking, Sis.

We're pretty good at this.
We are pretty damn good
at this. We're learning.

Greeting one:

Hi, this is Mehar.
Sorry I missed your call.

Please leave a message
after the beep. Peace.

- That did not sound
like Korman.
- Mm-mmm.

Who are you people?

Friends with Korman.
Yeah.

Mr. Korman lives
across the hall.

Oh, does he?
Does he?

Where is he?
This is ridiculous.

I really have to pee.
I hear you, bro.

Now back
to the cooler conversation
that we were having earlier.

I feel like in your article you
missed an opportunity to mention
my bouncing abilities, okay?

Now, it's really more about
smarts than anything else.

For example,
if there was an altercation
in this bathroom,

I would blast in
looking to neutralize!
Yeah?

Now, I would check out
my environment,

and I would look to see
if there's anything that I
could use to my advantage.

- Like this pool cue.
- Here we go.

Okay, normally that wouldn't
happen unless I wanted it to.

Right.
'Cause I could fire it
right in your chest!

'Cause I got
the skills to do that.

Dude, there's, like,
no tape anywhere. All I could
scrounge up was a bandana.

No, that's too small.
Oh, I could wear it though!
Uh...

I should wear it!
I know, but I found it,
so I sort of feel like...

I appreciate you looking for me
and finding it for me
and doing the Charlie work...

that got to the point
of me getting the bandana.

Bro, now it's hurting
my finger, bro!

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Just please get me out of this
bathroom before I vomit!

It is absolutely disgusting.

Well, excuse me,
Mr. Man,

but I happen to think this
bathroom is pristine, because
I work very hard cleaning it.

In fact, it's so clean,
I would say you could eat
out of these urinals.

No. You absolutely
could not eat out
of these urinals.

Oh, really?
What's this?
Charlie, don't...

Oh, my God, dude.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Bro, I just pissed
in there five minutes
before you came in.

Don't say that now. You're
gonna make me look bad.
Spit it out, man.

You're gonna eat it?
You're still chewing it.
I have to prove a point!

All right! All right!
Just let me go to the bathroom.
I will write the review.

I'll do whatever you want.
I promise.

Well, now that wasn't
so hard, was it?

Right. Awesome. All right.
Well, I think that we're
in good shape then.

Okay. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
How are we gonna do this?

Well, I think one of us
is gonna have to help his...
Whoa, dude!

I'm not touching his dick.
Charlie, you're the one
that used all the tape.

I was comfortable
with letting him piss
in his pants!

All right, fine!
Then compromise!

We'll both do it.
That way it's equally weird
for both of us.

No, no, no. It's fine.
Just... Just untape me, please.

No. Oh, no. No! No!

Can I bring something up?

Did he get
a little bit hard on us?
Aw, come on, man!

Can we not talk about this?
I just felt like
you got a little bit...

It wasn't.
It was the motion.
It was very weird.

- Why did it move?
- Hey, guys! We got a problem.

We did something.

Oh, man!

- What happened, dude?
- Well, there was a slight
mix-up with the apartments.

This is Korman's neighbor,
Mehar.

- What happened to doing
this without a trace?
- Well, it's a long story.

But the punch line is that
he started asking questions.

- I asked one question!
- Shut up!
- You asked a lot of questions.

Well, let's not have him
ask more questions, okay?
Keep him in the trunk for now.

You can't kidnap
more people to cover up
the original kidnapping.

It's a classic mistake!
Oh, I'm sorry!

- I didn't know there was a handbook on kidnapping!
- - Help!

We gotta get him inside.
He's probably
very hot in there.

There's another issue,
which is that I locked the keys
in the trunk just now.

What?
Are you kidding me?

Well, I didn't want
to bring that up.
Goddamn it, Charlie!

Okay, this is what
we're gonna do. You guys deal
with the situation out here.

Let's go talk to Korman.
He's writing that new review.

Good. 'Cause I don't want to
see that man right now because
we had a whole thing, and...

- What happened?
- Something happened.
None of your business.

Thank you very much.
We had a thing amongst the...

Guy stuff happened.
Can you just please...
Let's just go inside.

How long do you think we
can hold that inside?

It's burning me up
inside, man!
It's burning me up!

There he is,
our little typer.
Tap-tap-tapping away.

Don't mean to disturb ya.
Oh, you're not
disturbing me at all.

- It's great to see you two again.
- I get it.

I get it.
You are too much, huh?

You're being
a smart aleck.
You are.

Glad your spirits are still up.

We wanted to come in
and just let you know
we're sorry about...

this whole tie-you-up-
and-hold-you-here thing.

We didn't have anything
to do with it.
No. That wasn't us.

That was
somebody else's idea.
Not our idea.

You know what I'm saying?
If there's anything we can do
since we are in this situation...

Absolutely.
Together we are.
You want to let us know.

There he goes again.

Oh! I didn't know
he was so funny!

I didn't know he was gonna...
I thought he was gonna ask
for food or something.

Is there something else
we can get you though?
'Cause clearly, we can't...

All right.
A glass of white wine.
Maybe a chardonnay.

Now you're talking.
You like white wine.
I know that.

Um, also,
do you want me to bring you
some lipstick with that?

Oh!

Aw. Boom!
You got faced again, Korman.

Hey, man. You can't just
tee her up and expect her not
to take a swing at you, right?

Can't blame her for that one.
Can't blame her
for that one.

Since you are writing a new
review, is there anything I
can do to help you out with it?

You want to fire
a couple questions my way?
Uh, no. I think I'm fine.

Okay.
Yeah, hey, no problem, man.
I just want to...

I just want to make sure
you got the total picture on me.
'Cause I do drive a Range Rover.

Huh?
Really? Gas guzzler.

Well, not on the highway.
Okay? Yeah.
Range Rover.

It's a very classy
vehicle though.
What do you want me to say?

What do I want you to say?
Uh, I don't know.

"Dennis Reynolds,
your car is awesome.

"Your flat screen TV,
I took a look at it.
It's very, very thin.

It speaks volumes
about you as a person."
I don't know.

Give me something
I can work with, Korman.
All right, Dennis.

Here's the deal.
I didn't feel like
opening up a bottle of wine.

So I brought you some scotch,
'cause I feel like that's
what writers should drink.

- Hey, some top-shelf scotch.
- Uh, I don't drink scotch.

Well, you don't have to
be a dick about it.
Wow.

Got a real chip
on his shoulder,
this one.

If I had to write an article
about you, it would say
that you're very negative.

The headline might be,
"Most negative man
in the world...

calls other people white trash
to make himself
not feel so faggy."

Faggy?

You mind if I just took a quick
peek at your new review there?

Uh, but I haven't quite
finished that review yet.
That's okay.

I know you're not finished.
I want to see what direction
we're headed in there, buddy.

What's it say?
It's, uh, pretty heavy
on the kidnapping aspect.

Hmm. Is it?

You jam in further though.
This is...

I'm at the bottom
of, like, whatever's
down there, and I'm...

It won't
catch on to anything
is the problem, man.

Damn it, dude!
I feel like this
should be easier.

People break into cars
all the time.

A piece of me wants to chalk
this guy-in-the-trunk thing
up to a loss.

No! We can't do that, bro.
We gotta get him
out of the car.

Why don't you let me take
the hammer and smash the window,
and we'll just pop the trunk?

If we were gonna smash
the window, I would simply
do it with a roundhouse kick.

You're not gonna be able
to break this window
with a roundhouse kick.

Let's get serious here.

Charlie, I've never been
more serious about anything
in my entire life.

Help! Please let me out!
I have to get home!

- I have a cat!
- We all have cats we'd like to
be playing with right now.

- We're doing our very best.
- My cat is diabetic.

She needs
her insulin shot.
Please!

Ooh.
So we gotta
babysit a cat now?

Ooh, dude. I can't
have a dead cat's blood
on my hands, man.

- That's not good.
- All right.
Mac to the rescue.

Let me just back up.
I'm gonna roundhouse this.
You gonna kick it?

I'm gonna kick it.
And then we can get in.
Fine. Kick it, man.

Back up.
I don't want the glass
to shatter in your face.

- All right, go.
- Guard your eyes.

Oh, no!
Shit, dude.

Shit!
Oh, shit, man!

There is a slope in the ground,
and I didn't... I wasn't...

You just totally broke
this mirror, bro!
I wasn't calibrating that great.

Well, it's the bullshit street.
We gotta get the zoning people
out here.

I don't think
it's the street, bro.
That's an issue.

Don't touch the window.
I'll do that when I get back.

I'm gonna grab his cat,
with Dennis's car.
I'll be back.

Learn how to kick.
Take one karate class
if you're so into karate.

That is a really,
really nice setup.

Now, if he doesn't go for that,
he's just a straight-up retard.

I mean, that's
all there is to it.
Hey. buddy.

Oh, hey, pal.
Oh, check out
this new setup, man.

This is gonna be our golden
ticket, man. This is really
gonna get us somewhere.

Do you see any hypodermic
needles laying around?
What the hell's that?

Mehar's cat. Diabetic.

Now a diabetic cat
is in play? Jesus!
We can't catch a break.

I know.
Tell me about it.
Nice and easy now.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Charlie!
You broke the window?

-The guy had to take a dump.
What was I supposed to do?
-He's all tied up. How did you...

Let's not talk about
how it happened, okay?
Give him his cat.

- Dude, your cat's freaking out!
- That's not my cat!

Whose cat is it?
No, Dee. No!

What the hell
you doing, Dee?
What's Mehar doing here?

What are you doing
with my cat?
Your cat?

This is your cat?
What is going on?

Mr. Korman,
why are they doing this?
Get him out of here!

Give him his cat
and get him back
in the office.

Jesus Christ!
Oh, this is bad.
Shut up!

This is really bad.
You guys, this is bad.
What are we gonna do?

We gotta come up
with a plan.
I don't know what to do!

Got it! Ready? Here's the plan.
I've been thinking about this,
okay? We give them amnesia.

It's so easy.
Here's how you do it.

You smash them both over
the head with a bottle. They
go down like a ton of bricks.

Then we drag them
back to their apartments!
We put them in their beds.

We set their clocks back.
We get yesterday's newspaper.
We put it on their doorstep!

They wake up thinking
it was all a dream.

Oh, that is
so goddamn stupid!
What?

It's so stupid!
Mac, please tell me
you got something.

I say we bribe 'em.
We bribe 'em.
A bribe.

- A good old-fashioned bribe.
- No. That's not gonna work.
You know why?

Korman's not gonna
go for that. He's made
of stone or something.

Oh, Mehar!
Let's bribe Mehar!
He'd go for it!

Mehar could work! But I did
notice that the kidnapping
has rubbed him the wrong way.

So whatever we bribe him
with has gotta be worth
a lot of money.

Yeah. He's gonna
want something good.
For sure. For sure.

Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

Hey, thanks a lot for
taking home Korman's cat.

And good luck
with your sick cat.

Goddamn it.
This is bullshit.

All right.
Let's go talk to Korman.

Whoa!
Hold on there, Korman.

Where you going, buddy?
Where are you going?

Hey, buddy.
You're not going
very fast.

You're wasting
a lot of energy. Stop.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Okay. All right. Listen, man.

We got a proposal for you, okay?

Now, we are willing
to not force you
to write that review...

if you are willing to do
the right thing and not tell
anybody that this happened.

I don't care. Whatever it takes
to get me out of this bar,
away from you people.

My man!
There we go.

That is the attitude we've been
waiting for this whole time.
Was that so hard?

Where's this guy been?
Now let's talk about
the elephant in the room.

Let's talk about
the pressing charges.

- We're gonna need you
to sign something.
- Fine. Whatever it takes.

I can't believe you guys
are gonna try and cut a deal
with this weasel!

The guy's a liar!
He lied to us, man!

He said he was gonna
write a review!
He didn't do that!

I touched his dick!
Mac, we touched his dick!
You remember this?

Now is not the time
to talk about that.
Why were you touching his dick?

There wasn't enough tape,
and he had to...
So you touched his dick?

Let's just move past it.
Let's plow through it.
Okay, Mr. Korman.

Why don't you just go ahead
and sign this, and then I'll
fill in the blanks later.

And then that way
we'll have a confession,
and that'll be great.

And there you go. Okay, now.
Let me get this tape off you,
and you can be on your way.

Now, we won't charge you
for the duct tape.

- That was a joke.
- Holy shit, bro!

- I really don't like this guy.
- You're an idiot!

We'll see who's the idiot
when he wakes up tomorrow
and doesn't remember a thing.

I don't think that's
how it works, Charlie.

It's definitely
not how it works.
Oh, my God.

We may as well embrace
the amnesia angle because
we have no other options.

Well, now!
Okay. I'll go get
yesterday's newspaper.

- Okay, you guys ready?
- Mm-hmm.

One, two, three.

♪ And I'll take with me ♪

♪ The memories ♪

♪ To be my sunshine ♪

♪ After rain ♪

♪ And it's so hard ♪

♪ To say good-bye ♪

♪ To yesterday ♪♪

♪♪

I ran out.
I ran out of breath.
Check it out.

What you got there, Ernie?

Oh, it's a new review
by Korman.
Oh!

Yeah.

"I woke up in my neighbor's bed
with a head wound,
yesterday's paper...

"and an empty bottle
of sleeping pills,

"and my nightmare in that
putrid shit hole of a bar,
Paddy's Pub,

"finally, mercifully
came to an end.

"The owners all deserve
to rot in jail,

"though having to spend
every day with each other
in that vile establishment...

"is a decidedly
greater punishment.

"That is why I decided
not to press charges,

"leaving them to live
in the hell on Earth they've
created for themselves...

for the rest
of their pathetic
and miserable lives."

So rude.
Ouch!

Really raked us
over the coals there.
Really jammed it in there.

- Not a good review.
- No, it's not a good review.

He went right
for the throat.
He sure did.

Hey, listen.
At least he didn't
mention our names.

Yeah.
And no pressing charges.
No charges.

No names.
No names. That's good.

I don't know why,
but I'm a little irritated
that he didn't mention my name.

You'd feel like he would
mention our name, right?
I work here!

I am incredibly annoyed
that he didn't mention my name.

I wish I could live
with this, but I can't.
It's a story about us!

We gotta go talk to him again.
We should talk to him.
We'll be cool though.

We'll be civil.
Let's just have
one more conversation.

We're capable
of being civil, right?
Why are we wasting time?

Let's go talk
to the guy.
This seems to make sense.

Ooh! You know what
I want to get.