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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:04,531 [Siren] 2 00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:06,266 Ow! 3 00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:08,900 [Groaning] 4 00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:12,139 I can't believe that bitch shot me! 5 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:14,147 You gotta take me to the hospital. 6 00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,206 You know I can't do that, Jimmy. 7 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,581 I'm dying, bra! 8 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,416 You ain't gonna die. Say it. 9 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,852 I'm all shot up, man. 10 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,378 ♪ You ain't gonna die ♪ 11 00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:24,447 ♪ Say the freaking words ♪ 12 00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:27,517 I ain't gonna die. I ain't gonna die. 13 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,689 I ain't gonna die. 14 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,198 [Cheering] 15 00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:33,632 Folks, put it all together for Taqu'il! 16 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,828 - MITZI: Taqu'il everybody! - TAQU'IL: He's a skeet, 17 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:38,065 - And his new film is Some Like It Crook. - He's a rapper! 18 00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:41,200 - And was that a new Scion tC? - Yeah, man. 19 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:44,142 Scion's full on behind the movie, cross-promotions, 20 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:47,613 tie-ins, doing big-ass direct mailings. 21 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:51,050 - Yeah! - Bringing us to our item of the day. 22 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,849 [Cheering] 23 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,015 VERL: Did you get one of these in the mail? 24 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,046 MITZI: Yeah! 25 00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:58,751 CREWS: And phase one begins, Stan. 26 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,090 Is your ass ready to be rocked? 27 00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:02,493 - Why-- - I ask you. 28 00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:03,928 Why is he on our network? 29 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:08,197 Because... It's too complicated for me to explain. 30 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,597 - What-- - I know. That's how great it is. 31 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:14,903 KILLFACE: Great? My God, it's fantastic. 32 00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:19,277 Simon, look, look, look. Papa's postcard is on telly. 33 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:21,772 Don't. 34 00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:27,416 1 won't let you spoil this mood. 35 00:01:27,454 --> 00:01:28,819 You hear this? 36 00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,983 - You hear me smiling? - [Door closes] 37 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,423 [Sighs] 38 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:34,985 - Sinn? - Yes, sire? 39 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,190 Simon's had another spill. 40 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:42,100 If he always throws his food on the floor, how is he so fat? 41 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,432 [Crying] 42 00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:44,562 No, son... 43 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,040 - Now look what you've done! - Sire, I'm sorry. 44 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,803 Apologize to his self-esteem! 45 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,867 We've talked about the chubby cycle. 46 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:53,972 One snarky comment like that, he's right back in the cupboard. 47 00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:56,449 - And he was doing so well. - Yes, sire. 48 00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:58,383 3 pounds this week Sinn. Shut up. 49 00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,886 Just shut up and eat that cereal. 50 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,615 It's got glass in it. 51 00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:05,255 [Sinn sighs] 52 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,722 - MITZI: Oh, my God, I know! Verl's like-- - VERL: I'm like, did you see this? 53 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:14,223 Skid row's half out of a mind this thing! 54 00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:16,361 - This guy, this--what is it? - Killface. 55 00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:19,202 Yes! And I mean he's terrifying. 56 00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:22,072 Yes, he's evil personified! 57 00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:24,043 Yeah, but cameraman, can you push in on this? 58 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:29,379 It says, "Welcome to you-apostrophe-re doom.” 59 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,942 - And he's got "doom" in quotes! - MITZI AND TAQU'IL: Yeah! 60 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,077 Which it shouldn't be! 61 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,952 Oh, I just hate it when people do that. 62 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,956 I just want to throw acid in their face. 63 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,823 - Do you know what I mean? Yes! - Nice use. 64 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,192 Send a postcard to strong and white. 65 00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:44,789 Oh, I'm gonna throw it out, right? 66 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:48,290 But then Rose is like, "Boo, there's a coupon on there.” 67 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,861 3-piece 6.99. 68 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:52,838 See, it's so funny with the coupons. 69 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,034 Well, it was good for a laugh. 70 00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:57,908 OK, the movie is Some Like It Crook. 71 00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,343 TAQU'IL: It opens Friday. Check it out. 72 00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:00,312 VERL: Folks, Taqu'il! 73 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:04,079 MITZI: Yeah! Put it all together. 74 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,108 Valerie! 75 00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:09,418 Why does it say, "Welcome to you are doom?" 76 00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:10,946 What does that even mean? 77 00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,824 And why, for God sakes, is "doom" in quotes? 78 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,386 - I don't know. - Is this some sort of ironic doom? 79 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,898 Is the wink implied? 80 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,093 - No. I don't know. - No, it isn't. 81 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:24,331 So please tell me how and why I'm suddenly a laughing stock. 82 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:27,966 Uh, 'cause you signed off on the proofs. 83 00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:39,112 Then we pump those profits back into the profit cycle 84 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,450 to generate even more profits. 85 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,252 And I know what you're gonna say. 86 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:44,280 Profits? 87 00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,418 Yes, Stan, you're soaking in them. 88 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,020 - Thoughts? - Harrumph. 89 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,791 Dude, are you even listening? 90 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:53,994 Sorry, I was jonesing for a chick parm. 91 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,560 - Harrumph. - Nope. Go get your own. 92 00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:59,300 And then find me that printer so I can cut his arms off. 93 00:03:59,339 --> 00:04:00,829 But you signed off on-- 94 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,468 Mention those proofs again and just see what happens, Valerie! 95 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:04,841 Look, bad grammar aside, 96 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,745 40 million people just saw your postcard. 97 00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,806 Bugger me. They poll those numbers? 98 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,841 It's the highest-rated daytime show ever. 99 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:14,217 Oh, I hate America. 100 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,313 And their booker owes me a favor. 101 00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,620 No, she doesn't! 102 00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:21,855 Valerie, if you could get me on "Live with Mitzi and Verl", I don't... 103 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:22,919 Oh! 104 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,055 Now, I'd want 2 segments, 105 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,225 and not the one right after Verl's monologue. 106 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:29,327 That's--that's garbage time. But the next 2 after the break. 107 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:32,805 Valerie, you get me on there, and you just name your reward. 108 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,240 I'd like for you to let me go. 109 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,572 Well, you know, except for that. 110 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,853 [Cheering] 111 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,048 VERL: We are back! 112 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,580 - And can you believe those girls? - Yeah! 113 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,353 That was the Lenox Avenue Ladybugs, 114 00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:54,121 double-dutch city champs of New York. 115 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:57,893 You know, I used to be pretty good at the old jump rope, Verl. 116 00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:00,400 Oh, you want to get the girls back out here 117 00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,492 - and see what Mitzi can do? - [Cheering] 118 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,198 Who wants to see me get my double-dutch on? 119 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,673 OK, let's bring 'em out, and--what? 120 00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:10,267 What? Oh, Melmann says we don't have time. 121 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,176 Oh, isn't he a poop? 122 00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:14,977 And we don't have time because our next guest-- 123 00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,608 You can do this. 124 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,742 Hello, Verl. 125 00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:18,979 And you must be Mitzi. 126 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,919 Oh, the crowd loves me. 127 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:23,286 Holy baloney! This guy! 128 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,950 We talked about him last week. 129 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,756 - Remember when Taqu'il was on? - Oh! 130 00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:30,627 Is Taqu'il not the bomb? 131 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,359 Am I right, girls? 132 00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:36,666 I mean I'm married, but ll ain't that married. 133 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,102 Ho, ho, ho! 134 00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:39,833 I hope Lloyd's not watching. 135 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:42,672 Lloyd knows I don't like black guys anymore. 136 00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:44,734 And he better be at work. 137 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:48,271 - The bling bling ain't free, Verl. - Holy smokes! 138 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:50,283 Would you look at the size of that thing. 139 00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:53,947 - Dude, that's gotta be 6 carats. - Mmm. 140 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:55,978 - They are so in love! - Yeah! 141 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,287 And I'm in love with our next guest. He's--no. 142 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:01,818 Oh, we gotta take a break. We'll be right back, folks. 143 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:02,988 What? 144 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,999 They just wasted my entire first segment just gibbering! 145 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:10,560 No, that's the kind of snappy repartee we love over at Scion, man. 146 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,698 Hi, Charles Chomers, Scion Marketing. 147 00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,867 You can call me Chuck. 148 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,707 Yeah, how's the health plan over at Scion? 149 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:19,906 It's great! FPO, man. 150 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,914 CHUCK: Ah! 151 00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,441 My skin! 152 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:29,319 We are back with our next guest. 153 00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:31,188 He calls himself the scourge of God, 154 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,716 says he's gonna push the planet into the sun. 155 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:41,497 Bing bong bing. Make some noise for Killface! 156 00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:43,764 Um. Thank you. 157 00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:46,329 What, is the applause sign broken? 158 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:47,238 [Small applause] 159 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,901 - Thanks. - Don't listen to them. 160 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:51,809 - Terrible crowd. - Yeah! 161 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:55,907 Maybe they had some of the green room snacks. 162 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,046 - Hmm. - So, big guy. 163 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,815 You're gonna destroy the world? 164 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,323 Uh, yes. That's my ultimate goal. 165 00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:04,846 Big guy is right. 166 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,825 Oh, look at those pecs. 167 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:07,793 [Cheering] 168 00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:08,760 Right? 169 00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:10,593 I would kill for a chest like that. 170 00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:12,428 [Laughing] 171 00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:14,763 I wish I had someone like her growing up. 172 00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,929 Dude, save it for group. 173 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,836 Tell me you work out. 174 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,567 Not as often as I should, I'm afraid. 175 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,769 Somebody's fishing for a compliment. 176 00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,641 No, no. Honestly. 177 00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:25,770 - MITZI: Ah! - What? 178 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:28,008 He should come on for Fitness Friday! 179 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,915 - Absolutely, definitely he should! - Am I right? 180 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,511 Fitness Fridays. Big guy, how much you bench? 181 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:35,385 Oh, you know, I don't know really. 182 00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:36,685 I'll bet you do 240. 183 00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:38,487 Actually it's closer to 900. 184 00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,050 900 pounds, this guy! 185 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,061 Oh, no, sorry. That's kilos. 186 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,655 - 900 kilograms? - Well, he's foreign, Verl. 187 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,689 - That's like a Scion! - What? 188 00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,326 Think you could? Think you could? 189 00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:50,359 - Think you could bench a Scion? - I don't know-- 190 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,201 - He should bench a Scion. - Fitness Friday. You come back. 191 00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:55,105 We'll get with the good folks at Scion, 192 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,439 and you'll bench a new Scion tC. 193 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,275 - All right? - Please stop talking. 194 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:03,510 Oh, boy. Randy, tell him about the new Scion tC. 195 00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,780 RANDY: Introducing the Scion tC. 196 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,878 The bold, sleek styling is all like ka-kow, 197 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,253 but the 2.4 liter dual overhead cam engine 198 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:14,227 with 160 horsepower is all like ka-kow! 199 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,659 The Scion tC, Verl. 200 00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:17,527 It's what moves you. 201 00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:18,588 [Cheering] 202 00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:20,531 What moves you indeed, Randy. 203 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,262 I'd like to take that to the beach. 204 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,431 Yeah. You at the beach. With your skin? 205 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,702 - Love the Scion tC. - Why did you-- 206 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,038 Love, love, love the Scion tC. 207 00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,908 - Rose is in my ear 24I7. - Knowing Rose, it's 2518. 208 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,538 I want you to stop talking. 209 00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,514 Verl, what about the new Scion tC? 210 00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:37,539 Verl, let's get a new Scion tC. 211 00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,643 Verl, with a new panoramic 212 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:40,812 power glide moon roof 213 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,915 and a 2-in-one carpet with cargo mats, you can't go wrong. 214 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,119 Verl, Verl, Verl! 215 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,150 VERL: With our new Scion tC-- 216 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,286 XTACLE: Oh, my God. I need that. 217 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,890 - You have to get her one. - I know. It's a great car. 218 00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:55,492 MITZI: The amber instrument panel illumination is standard, Verl. 219 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,934 Standard! 220 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,665 Scion tC! 221 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,503 Scio-wrong tC! 222 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,100 Should I get Rose a new Scion tC? 223 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,475 It's got an mp3 player jack 224 00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:08,106 for ripping and burning or whatever! 225 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,310 - What do you think, big guy? - 1 don't know. 226 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,580 What's not to know? It's a great car. 227 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:16,112 Verl, you should get everybody a Scion tC. 228 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,351 No, Ronnie. 229 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,688 They're going nuts for it. Listen. 230 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,716 [Cheering] 231 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,956 Also, can you transfer me to HR? 232 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,897 They're eager for a new Scion, Verl. 233 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,161 OK, OK! 234 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,225 Everybody, look under your seats! 235 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,863 Stop it! 236 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,340 First of all, Oprah already gave her audience cars. 237 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:36,706 Not the new Scion tC she didn't. 238 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,904 Then you waste one segment 239 00:09:37,944 --> 00:09:40,242 clucking like a goose about that damn ring. 240 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,009 And I hope you know a good appraiser, 241 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:44,210 because if that's not paste, I'll eat my hat. 242 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,048 Now, my last remaining segment 243 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,418 has fallen victim to Scion fever. 244 00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:51,425 - 'Cause we love the new Scion tC! - Shut up! 245 00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:54,120 There's a clear line between entertainment and advertising, 246 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,185 and you've bloody well crossed it. 247 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:59,824 Those 18 to 24s you're so keen on detest being pitched to. 248 00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,300 And when I destroy the world, 249 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:04,463 they won't have much use for 17-inch alloy wheels, so-- 250 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:05,835 - [Laughter] - What? 251 00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,601 No, no, no. Turn that off there. 252 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,005 Stop it. 253 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,441 I won't be your pitch man. 254 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,502 You hear me? 255 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:13,842 [Sighs] 256 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:17,646 You're all doomed. 257 00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:21,120 - Doomed to enjoy the new Scion tC. - Yeah! 258 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:24,920 'Cause we'll be right back with new Scion {Cs for everybody. 259 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,187 Yeah! 260 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,251 STAN: That was your big plan? 261 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,819 What did that even accomplish? 262 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:33,390 - It set the stage for phase 2, Stan. - What the hell is phase 2? 263 00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,026 I'm thinking Las Vegas. 264 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:38,368 - I like to call it "Lost Wages". - Nice. 265 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,839 What a colossal waste of time, 266 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:43,673 and I defy this day to get any worse. 267 00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,542 MAN: Hey, there goes the new Scion tC. 268 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:46,739 2nd MAN: Damn, that is tight! 269 00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:47,871 I hate this country. 270 00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,576 XTACLES: Scion tC! 271 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,676 Son of a whore! 272 00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:57,213 Yes, have fun driving your new Scion tC around on the sun! 273 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:01,387 Perfectly happy with my gift bag. What? 274 00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:05,330 The Lenox Avenue Ladybugs got fleeces! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 19966

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