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1
00:00:06,567 --> 00:00:09,234
Jeff, can you get that?
2
00:00:12,167 --> 00:00:13,534
Hey.
Hey, bro.
3
00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:16,267
Can I borrow your inflatable
mattress for my mom's visit?
4
00:00:16,267 --> 00:00:17,901
Yeah, sure,
it's in the hall closet.
5
00:00:17,901 --> 00:00:20,033
Actually I'm running
to the airport to get her.
6
00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:21,434
Can you-- Can you
bring it over?
7
00:00:24,968 --> 00:00:28,367
I'm sorry, did we get married
when I wasn't looking?
8
00:00:28,367 --> 00:00:29,934
It's just that,
you know,
9
00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:31,634
Jen's meeting my mom
for the first time.
10
00:00:31,634 --> 00:00:33,567
It's-- It's
pretty exciting.
11
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,234
How so?
12
00:00:35,234 --> 00:00:37,901
Well, I just think she's lucky
she's not getting one of those
13
00:00:37,901 --> 00:00:39,300
meddling mother-in-laws.
14
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:41,868
I mean...my mom's really cool.
15
00:00:43,234 --> 00:00:46,033
I'm, uh, sure
it'll go smoothly.
16
00:00:46,033 --> 00:00:47,234
I'll bring the bed over.
17
00:00:47,234 --> 00:00:49,000
Ah. Hey, thanks.
18
00:00:51,734 --> 00:00:54,934
"My mom's really cool."
19
00:00:54,934 --> 00:00:57,200
Kid's priceless.
20
00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:03,033
Hey, the TV's not working.
Did you touch the remote?
21
00:01:03,033 --> 00:01:06,267
Not since I saw you
scratching yourself with it.
22
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,701
Oh.
23
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:10,501
Check the bedroom TV,
I'll call the satellite company.
24
00:01:10,501 --> 00:01:11,567
Let's go.
25
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,267
Oh, great, a recording.
26
00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:21,601
Bedroom's not
working either.
27
00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:23,334
"Technical difficulties"?
28
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,200
What did I call, the 1960s?
29
00:01:26,501 --> 00:01:28,934
How hard can it be
to keep a satellite
30
00:01:28,934 --> 00:01:30,901
in geosynchronous orbit
with the Earth
31
00:01:30,901 --> 00:01:34,501
to receive and send images
to a dish outside of our window?
32
00:01:34,501 --> 00:01:38,133
I mean...that's
so difficult.
33
00:01:38,133 --> 00:01:40,367
Honey. There are
plenty of other things
34
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:41,834
we can do
besides watch TV.
35
00:01:43,701 --> 00:01:45,200
All right, maybe...
36
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,367
"plenty" was a reach.
37
00:01:47,834 --> 00:01:50,801
This is like an episode
of The Twilight Zone,
38
00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:52,667
a show I wish I could
watch right now.
39
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:55,100
DVD?
40
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:57,834
I am not watching
Braveheart again.
41
00:01:59,033 --> 00:02:00,968
How about we have
a little conversation?
42
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:03,234
Sure.
43
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:14,834
My favorite part
is when Mel Gibson
44
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,934
keeps yelling "freedom."
45
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:48,968
Hey, guys.
Hey.
46
00:02:48,968 --> 00:02:52,200
We brought the inflatable bed.
Yes, we brought it.
47
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,501
Thanks.
48
00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:54,701
Just put it back there.
49
00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:57,467
Hey...you guys
have old-timey cable,
50
00:02:57,467 --> 00:02:58,701
not satellite, right?
51
00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,200
Yeah.
52
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,033
Oh, thank you.
53
00:03:03,367 --> 00:03:06,067
So you nervous about
meeting Adam's mom?
54
00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:08,567
No, Fay and I have talked on
the phone. She's really nice.
55
00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:10,734
Oh, yeah. All mothers-in-law
seem that way.
56
00:03:10,734 --> 00:03:12,167
Then you meet 'em face to face,
57
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:15,367
and it's showdown
at My Little Boy Corral.
58
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:17,000
There's an oldie
but goody.
59
00:03:19,334 --> 00:03:21,234
After growing up
with four brothers,
60
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,133
it'll be great to have
a female in the family.
61
00:03:23,133 --> 00:03:25,300
I'm so excited to do
girl stuff, like go shopping
62
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,601
and talk about the wedding.
Oh, great idea. Yeah.
63
00:03:27,601 --> 00:03:30,400
Let her hijack the wedding
before the date's even set.
64
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,534
She didn't hijack--
65
00:03:33,234 --> 00:03:36,033
Nothing.
66
00:03:36,033 --> 00:03:38,234
Fay's not like that.
She lives in Sedona,
67
00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:40,100
she's new-agey and creative.
68
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:41,934
I bet she'll have
some really cool ideas.
69
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:43,300
Still gave birth to Adam. Yeah.
70
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:45,100
She's gonna be judging
everything you do.
71
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,100
And trust me,
nothing will ever be right.
72
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:51,167
Well, it's great that it
doesn't still bother you.
73
00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:53,467
Hey.
We're here.
74
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,834
Jen, this is my mom.
75
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:58,200
It's so nice to meet you, Fay.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
76
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,667
yes, yes! Oh.
77
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,434
Oh. Man, I wish
I had a camera.
78
00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:02,767
We have a camera.
79
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:05,434
Yeah. I wish I hadn't
broken the camera.
80
00:04:05,434 --> 00:04:08,167
Uh, hey, Mom. These are
our friends from down the hall.
81
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:09,801
That's, uh,
Audrey and Jeff.
82
00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:12,100
Hi, it's so nice to meet you.
Audrey!
83
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:14,634
Okay,
we're...doing this.
84
00:04:14,634 --> 00:04:16,100
Hi.
85
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,200
And Jeff.
86
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,033
Easy, lady.
Ah.
87
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,701
Okay.
88
00:04:21,701 --> 00:04:24,367
It is so nice
to meet all of you.
89
00:04:24,367 --> 00:04:27,734
And Jen, Adam's father
really wanted to come,
90
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:30,000
but he's on the second day
of his colon cleanse.
91
00:04:31,267 --> 00:04:34,567
And you wouldn't want him
here on day three.
92
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:37,167
Hey, Mom. Uh, what do you
think about the apartment?
93
00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:38,467
Jen did all the decorating.
94
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:40,701
Well, it's, uh...
95
00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:42,801
not really
an apartment.
96
00:04:42,801 --> 00:04:44,501
It isn't?
97
00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:45,534
No.
98
00:04:46,701 --> 00:04:48,667
What you've created
here is a home.
99
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,734
And Adam has never looked
100
00:04:50,734 --> 00:04:52,767
happier or healthier.
101
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:54,167
And that's all you.
102
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,567
Oh. Thanks, Fay.
103
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:00,000
Oh, how was
your flight?
104
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,334
Ugh. Nightmare city.
105
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,701
Heh. At the airport,
the security chick
106
00:05:03,701 --> 00:05:05,100
got real frisky with me.
107
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,601
And, you know, I mean, sure,
I've gone that way,
108
00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:09,133
but get to know me
first, right?
109
00:05:11,234 --> 00:05:14,734
Look at 'em. It's like
they belong together.
110
00:05:14,734 --> 00:05:17,868
Yeah. Like my thumb
and a remote.
111
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,334
Now I'm sad.
112
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:30,567
Hey, man.
How's it going?
113
00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:33,534
Keith Partridge called.
He wants his shirt back.
114
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,868
I got it from your mother.
115
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:37,968
Hey, watch it.
116
00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:39,834
No, literally,
I got it from your mother.
117
00:05:39,834 --> 00:05:41,434
She gave it to me
as a birthday present.
118
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:43,868
What is it with you and my mom?
119
00:05:43,868 --> 00:05:47,234
Oh. If I had a dime for every
time I heard that question.
120
00:05:47,234 --> 00:05:48,834
You've only met her
a couple of times,
121
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:50,701
you act like you've
known her all your life.
122
00:05:50,701 --> 00:05:54,133
I'll lay it on the line.
Fay's the mom I never had.
123
00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:55,834
But you have a mom.
124
00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:58,334
But yours is better.
125
00:05:58,334 --> 00:06:00,067
And she's
so warm and caring,
126
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:01,667
and she accepts me for who I am.
127
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:04,567
When I was born,
my mom demanded a DNA test.
128
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,634
Oh, there she is. Fay!
129
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:09,167
How's my little
"Russell-ing" leaf?
130
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:10,534
Ah. Oh.
131
00:06:11,701 --> 00:06:13,234
Oh, my shirt.
132
00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:16,367
I wasn't sure if a child's large
would fit, but it does.
133
00:06:16,367 --> 00:06:19,000
Ha-ha. Like a child's
large glove.
134
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,467
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Mom.
135
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,868
Hey, how was the rally?
Oh, fantastic.
136
00:06:22,868 --> 00:06:24,367
Climate change
is pushing
137
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:26,033
the polar bear
towards extinction.
138
00:06:26,033 --> 00:06:28,934
Ooh, really? I did not hear
that on Entertainment Tonight.
139
00:06:28,934 --> 00:06:31,767
Yeah. And who'll help
the polar bears if we don't?
140
00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,334
Oh. Not the black bear.
141
00:06:33,334 --> 00:06:35,234
They're all, like,
"Yo, take that, whitey."
142
00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:39,567
Oh, and I met some really,
really interesting people,
143
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,667
who invited me to join them
144
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,200
at a spontaneous
public art project.
145
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,400
Ooh.
Well, would you like to join me?
146
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,334
Oh, I'd-- I'd love to,
but we have to work.
147
00:06:47,334 --> 00:06:49,667
You mean you have to work,
Mr. Corporate Sellout.
148
00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:52,467
Yeah, we work together.
Ah, yeah, I'm gonna need you
149
00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:54,100
to stay late
and pick up my slack.
150
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:56,567
Hey, I found someone
to cover for me. I can go.
151
00:06:56,567 --> 00:06:58,934
Oh, good.
152
00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:02,901
Hey, I just thought of
another one. Magnum P.I.
153
00:07:02,901 --> 00:07:04,968
Yeah. Yeah,
that was a good show.
154
00:07:04,968 --> 00:07:08,033
Good stories, good scenery,
good mustache.
155
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,767
It's fun thinking of TV shows
that are good.
156
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,767
But now I'm gonna
go count how many
157
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:18,033
plastic containers
we have in the kitchen.
158
00:07:18,033 --> 00:07:20,000
Fourteen.
But only nine lids.
159
00:07:21,367 --> 00:07:22,667
What's up with that?
160
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:24,767
Come on. There's gotta be
something interesting
161
00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:26,467
we can do that
doesn't involve TV.
162
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:28,701
Well, you know,
we could play Monopoly.
163
00:07:28,701 --> 00:07:31,167
Oh, Monopoly? No way.
164
00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:33,234
You take it way too seriously.
165
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:34,834
it's just not fun
for me.
166
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:36,567
Well, you know,
it's not fun for me
167
00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:40,267
to always have to watch you
being a sore loser.
168
00:07:40,267 --> 00:07:42,801
Oh, all right.
You're on.
169
00:07:42,801 --> 00:07:45,667
And this time the little shoe
is gonna kick the thimble's ass.
170
00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:48,667
I'm not sure the thimble
has an ass, but...
171
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:51,100
Let's do this.
172
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,968
Ah. Pennsylvania
Avenue...
173
00:07:56,968 --> 00:08:00,434
home of Jeff's Hotel and Spa...
174
00:08:00,434 --> 00:08:03,367
a wholly-owned subsidiary
of Jeff Co.
175
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:06,000
Just tell me
how much.
176
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,567
Can you really
put a price on luxury?
177
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,200
How much?
178
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,434
Well...$1400.
179
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:16,100
Well, I only have 1200.
180
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,634
Love to let
you slide,
181
00:08:17,634 --> 00:08:20,067
but corporate's been
riding me about comps.
182
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:25,501
But, you know,
I'd say that, uh,
183
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:27,767
shirt and bra are worth
the 200.
184
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:32,367
I don't think so.
185
00:08:32,367 --> 00:08:35,067
But I do think
it was kind of dumb of you
186
00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:37,367
not to get earthquake insurance
for your properties.
187
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:38,400
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
188
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,734
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
189
00:08:39,734 --> 00:08:42,133
Looks like it's
gonna be a big one.
Okay.
190
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,234
Now it's fun.
191
00:08:50,801 --> 00:08:52,067
Four hundred bucks.
192
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:54,567
Four hundred bucks
for the shirt and the bra.
193
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,133
Oh, here's a film
I've been dying to see.
194
00:09:00,133 --> 00:09:02,601
Oh, great. Hey, let's--
Let's all go tonight.
195
00:09:02,601 --> 00:09:04,300
Me and my two
most special ladies,
196
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,634
out for a night on the town.
197
00:09:05,634 --> 00:09:07,100
Sounds fun.
Let's do it.
198
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:08,667
Okay, I'll just
take a quick shower,
199
00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:10,801
and then I'll be ready
to split.
Okay.
200
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:12,534
"Split?"
201
00:09:12,534 --> 00:09:14,000
Far out, man.
202
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:16,767
Isn't she great?
203
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:19,367
She is a trip.
I knew you'd love her.
204
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:21,667
Oh. Where's my head at?
205
00:09:24,801 --> 00:09:26,267
Oh, don't mind me.
206
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:27,367
I just forgot
207
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,067
my loofa...
208
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:30,801
and my kelp shampoo.
209
00:09:32,734 --> 00:09:35,067
Oh! Here they are.
210
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:38,367
Yup. There they are.
211
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:48,667
That was nice.
212
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,000
Solid outing, honey.
213
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:54,267
See? Life without TV
isn't so bad.
214
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:57,267
We got back from work,
we ate dinner, talked,
215
00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:58,834
played a game,
and we had sex.
216
00:09:58,834 --> 00:10:00,934
Oh, what time is it?
217
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,567
Ten after 7.
218
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,934
Trebek's wrapping up
the first round on Jeopardy.
219
00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:08,767
What is...
220
00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:11,133
this blows?
221
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:12,567
I'll get it.
222
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,567
No, let me get it.
I'll get it.
223
00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:16,400
Hello?
Is it the satellite company?
224
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,467
It's Jennifer.
225
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,501
Jennifer from
the satellite company?
226
00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:21,667
From down the hall.
227
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:24,334
Ask her what's going on
in the outside world.
228
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:25,801
Has the country
gone metric yet?
229
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:28,100
What?
230
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,000
No, it hasn't.
231
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,300
Still not metric.
Ha.
232
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,067
Suck on that, Europe.
233
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,434
Anyway,
234
00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:38,767
Fay's not judging me, but
she's kind of weird.
235
00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:40,868
She thinks it's okay
to walk around the apartment
236
00:10:40,868 --> 00:10:42,100
naked in front of us.
237
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,067
Really? Naked?
238
00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:46,501
How's her body?
239
00:10:48,033 --> 00:10:49,901
Smokin'.
240
00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:52,234
But Adam didn't even flinch,
so, you know,
241
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:54,534
I don't know if I'm
overreacting, or if, uh--
242
00:10:54,534 --> 00:10:57,167
Oh, I gotta go.
Okay, bye.
243
00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:58,400
Hey.
Hey.
244
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,968
Wow. Prime location.
245
00:11:00,968 --> 00:11:02,634
It's a documentary
about Che Guevara.
246
00:11:02,634 --> 00:11:04,667
I didn't exactly have to
put a sweater over a seat.
247
00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:06,968
Where's your mom
and Russell?
248
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:09,234
Still getting popcorn.
Mom's talking to the manager
249
00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:10,767
about the trans fat
in the butter.
250
00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:12,534
Well, I hope
she doesn't see my nachos.
251
00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,534
The ingredients are
"chemical" and "yellow."
252
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:16,601
Come here.
253
00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:20,801
Oh. Oh.
What?
254
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:24,334
Oh. You're a little,
you know, B.O.-y.
255
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:25,834
Did you use deodorant?
256
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:28,567
Oh, yeah, I used this, uh,
natural stuff Mom gave me.
257
00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:30,634
Do you know there's aluminum
in the kind we use?
258
00:11:30,634 --> 00:11:33,400
Yeah, I believe it acts
as a stink shield.
259
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,033
Well, this deodorant is
better for the world.
260
00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:37,934
Not the world
downwind of you.
261
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:41,167
So you don't really
think it's weird
262
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:42,734
that your mom
walks around naked?
263
00:11:42,734 --> 00:11:45,033
No, not at all. I mean,
it's how I grew up.
264
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:46,901
Everyone comes
into the world naked.
265
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:49,868
Yes. And then
we go to Macy's.
266
00:11:49,868 --> 00:11:52,968
Oh. The manager
ignored me.
267
00:11:52,968 --> 00:11:55,968
I only wish I could show him
pictures of people's arteries
268
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,968
after they eat
that popcorn.
269
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,901
I didn't get
any popcorn.
270
00:12:22,734 --> 00:12:24,367
So, Fay,
I thought tomorrow
271
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,934
we could head out for our big
fun day of shopping around 11?
272
00:12:26,934 --> 00:12:29,968
Oh, man, I--
I totally spaced.
273
00:12:29,968 --> 00:12:32,334
I-- I know we made
plans but...
274
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,534
I can't go.
275
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:36,467
I got really involved
with this art project.
276
00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:38,033
Oh, that's too bad.
277
00:12:38,033 --> 00:12:40,300
I wanted to show you
some wedding things.
278
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,634
Oh, honey. You and Adam don't
have a date set yet, do you?
279
00:12:43,634 --> 00:12:45,901
No, but don't worry.
When we do set one,
280
00:12:45,901 --> 00:12:48,467
I'm really excited to have you
involved in all the planning.
281
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:50,267
Well, you guys
are so great together.
282
00:12:50,267 --> 00:12:52,267
To be really honest,
I'm totally cool
283
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,968
if you don't ever
get married.
284
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,868
Huh?
285
00:12:56,868 --> 00:12:58,901
I mean, you guys are already
living together.
286
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:00,968
You don't need
government permission.
287
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:02,234
I mean, who--
288
00:13:02,234 --> 00:13:04,167
Who needs a piece
of paper to prove anything?
289
00:13:05,334 --> 00:13:06,767
I kind of do.
290
00:13:06,767 --> 00:13:10,367
And...I thought Adam did.
291
00:13:10,367 --> 00:13:11,667
I mean,
no disrespect to you,
292
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,300
I know you and Shep
never got married.
293
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:17,167
That's true, but we had
a wonderful Navajo ceremony.
294
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:20,033
Oh, I thought that picture
of you in the squaw outfit
295
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,167
was from a carnival.
296
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,968
Mm, with the peyote,
it sure felt like it.
297
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,400
All right. Got you all
set up in our bedroom.
298
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,667
Oh, thanks, baby.
Mm-hm.
299
00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:30,901
I-I think I'm gonna
crash now.
300
00:13:30,901 --> 00:13:33,767
Good night, Mom.
Good night. Oh.
301
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,167
And I know
it's a small apartment
302
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:36,701
and sound really carries,
303
00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:38,767
but...feel free
to make love.
304
00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:42,200
It won't bother me
at all.
305
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,367
I was at Woodstock.
306
00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:48,367
You heard
the woman. Come on.
307
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,367
Yes, I did. And eww!
308
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:52,801
I am not doing it with your mom
in the next room listening.
309
00:13:52,801 --> 00:13:54,067
Oh, and if you want,
310
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,467
there's a book on tantric sex
in my carryon.
311
00:13:57,701 --> 00:13:59,434
Tantric sex?
312
00:13:59,434 --> 00:14:00,968
It's okay, Mom.
We're good.
313
00:14:00,968 --> 00:14:02,767
No, we're not good.
We're freaking out.
314
00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:04,834
Shh! Oh, go outside.
315
00:14:04,834 --> 00:14:06,033
God.
316
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:10,868
Hey. Why are you
being so uptight?
317
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:12,367
You need to mellow out.
318
00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:14,868
Oh, I'll "mellow out" once Nixon
gets our troops out of Nam
319
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:16,868
and I spark up a doobie.
320
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,901
Why are you making fun
of my mother?
321
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:21,801
Hey. I have been
very patient with her,
322
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:23,834
but you have to admit,
she's a little bit kooky.
323
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,901
She's not kooky.
She's passionate.
324
00:14:25,901 --> 00:14:27,868
Not about waxing.
325
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,667
Okay, forget the fact
that she backed out
326
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:32,033
of our shopping plans,
and she's practically a nudist.
327
00:14:32,033 --> 00:14:34,434
She just told me she doesn't
think we need to get married.
328
00:14:34,434 --> 00:14:36,033
She thinks it's just
a piece of paper.
329
00:14:36,033 --> 00:14:38,501
Well, technically,
she's right.
330
00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:40,567
Oh. So that's
what you think too?
331
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:42,067
Now you agree
with Mother Nature?
332
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:43,901
Oh, yeah, like
your family's such a treat.
333
00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:45,400
My family? At least my family
334
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,601
has a God-fearing love
and respect for clothing!
335
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:50,334
Shh! Down the hall.
336
00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:52,434
See that? Couple
days without TV,
337
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,601
we've put together
our honeymoon photo album.
338
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:56,100
Something we've been
meaning to do
339
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:57,801
for 13 years.
340
00:14:59,634 --> 00:15:02,267
More you than me, but it's fun
to see the old mullet again.
341
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:06,567
We used to all sleep
in the same bed,
342
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:08,167
because we didn't have
any hang-ups.
343
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:10,501
Hang-ups are good.
I was raised with a dose
344
00:15:10,501 --> 00:15:13,000
of shame and guilt, and all
that other good Catholic stuff.
345
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,767
Adam and Jennifer
are having a huge fight
346
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:17,501
right outside our door.
Oh, this is juicy.
347
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:19,934
What about your mother and you
snuggling in the theater?
348
00:15:19,934 --> 00:15:21,000
What's wrong with that?
349
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,634
Nothing, in the hills
of West Virginia.
350
00:15:23,734 --> 00:15:25,701
Oh, snap.
351
00:15:25,701 --> 00:15:27,868
What about your four
animal brothers wrasslin'
352
00:15:27,868 --> 00:15:29,267
after dinner
in the living room?
353
00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:30,934
They were having good,
clean fun.
354
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:33,234
When they pulled you in,
almost gave you a concussion?
355
00:15:33,234 --> 00:15:34,734
I don't remember that.
356
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:38,067
What about your family opening
Christmas presents a week early?
357
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,667
Oh. We did that to
stick it to the Man.
358
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:41,467
The Man? Who's
the Man? Santa?
359
00:15:43,534 --> 00:15:45,234
This is my new
favorite show.
360
00:15:45,234 --> 00:15:46,734
Oh, God.
361
00:15:50,634 --> 00:15:53,000
I am really psyched
about this.
362
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,400
You know, it's one thing
to look at art,
363
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,400
but it's a whole
other trip to be art.
Ha-ha.
364
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,234
Actually, my mother is art.
365
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:03,701
Her face was sculpted
by a plastic surgeon.
366
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:06,934
True story.
367
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,934
And I really tried.
368
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:12,000
I wanted to go shopping,
she made other plans.
369
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,400
I wanted manicures,
370
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,501
she wouldn't because
of the chemicals.
371
00:16:15,501 --> 00:16:17,100
She only eats
gluten-free foods,
372
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,501
and I don't know
what gluten is.
373
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:20,734
But I know I love it.
374
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:22,868
Well, she certainly
is different.
375
00:16:22,868 --> 00:16:24,000
I know, right?
376
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,801
No. I was not backing
you up there, sweetie.
377
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:28,601
I mean, to her,
you're different.
378
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:30,801
The only thing is,
she's not judging you.
379
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:32,701
All right, I get it.
380
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:35,133
But she doesn't even care
if Adam and I get married.
381
00:16:35,133 --> 00:16:37,467
She'd be fine if
we lived together forever.
382
00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:39,501
That doesn't mean
that's what Adam thinks.
383
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:42,200
Look, this woman is gonna be
your mother-in-law.
384
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,734
You are gonna
have to deal with it.
385
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,767
You're right.
And trust me,
386
00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:48,968
I would trade her
for mine any day.
387
00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:51,968
My mother-in-law treats
Jeff's father like a king,
388
00:16:51,968 --> 00:16:55,467
which, hm, gives Jeff some
pretty hilarious expectations.
389
00:16:58,501 --> 00:16:59,801
I just-- I just
don't get it.
390
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:02,367
I mean, growing up, all
my friends loved my mother.
391
00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:03,601
Oh, imagine that.
392
00:17:03,601 --> 00:17:06,100
Teenage boys
loving a naked woman.
393
00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:08,968
Yeah, but my mom's so nice.
394
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:11,868
And I can't believe everything
about her bugs Jennifer.
395
00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:14,567
I've been married for 13 years,
I minored in psychology,
396
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,734
let me explain why.
397
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,901
Your mom is cuckoo
for Cocoa Puffs.
398
00:17:19,901 --> 00:17:21,501
What?
399
00:17:21,501 --> 00:17:23,968
Seems like a nice lady
and all, but come on.
400
00:17:23,968 --> 00:17:26,100
Crystals?
Burning sage in the lobby?
401
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:29,467
Hugging me?
402
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:31,601
Uh, I see nothing weird
about any of that.
403
00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:33,400
Well, that's because
you were raised
404
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,167
by granola-chompin'
tree people.
405
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:38,667
Look...you're not alone.
406
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:41,267
At first Audrey and my mom
didn't get along at all.
407
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:42,634
Yeah? What'd they
fight about?
408
00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,901
Well, my mother
feels that a wife should
409
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,367
devote herself to her husband,
410
00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:48,234
greet him with a martini
when he comes home.
411
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,100
Whereas Audrey...
412
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:52,267
is wrong.
413
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:53,734
Do they get along now?
414
00:17:53,734 --> 00:17:55,100
I stay out of it.
415
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,901
The guy who tries
to break up the fight
416
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,567
always ends up with
a knife in his chest.
417
00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:04,267
Everyone's family seems
crazy to an outsider.
418
00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:05,534
I mean...
419
00:18:05,534 --> 00:18:07,734
who opens
their Christmas presents
420
00:18:07,734 --> 00:18:08,968
the week before?
421
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:10,901
Wait, how do
you know about that?
422
00:18:10,901 --> 00:18:14,634
Last night's episode
of The Adam and Jennifer Show.
423
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:16,934
The wife and I are big fans.
424
00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:20,634
So, w-what's the theme
of this picture?
425
00:18:20,634 --> 00:18:23,467
A-are the overcoats
supposed to symbolize
426
00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:26,200
the...conformity of modern...
427
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,801
something?
428
00:18:27,801 --> 00:18:30,200
Only the artist
knows.
429
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,601
Okay, people.
430
00:18:31,601 --> 00:18:33,767
Let's do this quickly
before security comes.
431
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,701
This is so exciting.
432
00:18:36,701 --> 00:18:38,334
You know, I know
we're not related,
433
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:40,033
but whenever we are together,
434
00:18:40,033 --> 00:18:42,234
it really feels like...
- One, two, three.
435
00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:43,767
...you're my mother.
436
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,501
No! No, no.
437
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,968
Mommy.
438
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:56,567
Hey.
Hey.
439
00:18:57,667 --> 00:18:58,968
I'm sorry.
440
00:18:58,968 --> 00:19:00,234
Hm. Me too.
441
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:04,501
Oh, you smell good.
What is that?
442
00:19:04,501 --> 00:19:05,934
Aluminum.
443
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:07,300
Thank you.
444
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,801
So you still wanna get
married with a piece of paper
445
00:19:09,801 --> 00:19:12,534
and clothing and stuff, right?
Yes.
446
00:19:12,534 --> 00:19:14,434
I don't agree with everything
my mom thinks,
447
00:19:14,434 --> 00:19:16,434
but I still love her,
'cause she's my mom.
448
00:19:16,434 --> 00:19:18,367
You know, I should, uh...
449
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:19,667
be more understanding
450
00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:21,200
and accept her
the way she is.
451
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,901
Oh, she'll grow on you.
452
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:25,634
Like those mushrooms she used
to keep on the windowsill
453
00:19:25,634 --> 00:19:26,734
and wouldn't
let me eat.
454
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,300
Oh...God.
455
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,667
Now that was
a good ending.
456
00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:34,834
I wonder
what's on next.
457
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:38,067
Eh, that boring
elevator show.
458
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:41,367
You know, we should
full on get a telescope.
459
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:43,267
That high-rise across
the way,
460
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:45,467
that would be like
100 different stations.
461
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:50,701
Didn't I tell you we could
have fun without TV?
462
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:53,434
Yeah. We could've even
made it as a couple
463
00:19:53,434 --> 00:19:55,033
back in the golden age
of radio.
464
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,434
Oh, thank
the good Lord.
465
00:19:59,434 --> 00:20:02,133
So, what do you want to do
the rest of the night?
466
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:03,601
Well, uh...
467
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:05,501
satellite's
still out.
468
00:20:05,501 --> 00:20:07,567
So we might
as well have sex.
469
00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:08,834
Oh.
470
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:10,734
There's gotta be
something else we can do.
471
00:20:10,734 --> 00:20:14,200
Play Monopoly.
Oh, let's go.
472
00:20:19,234 --> 00:20:20,901
Oh, hey,
here it is.
473
00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:23,701
With me is avant-garde
photographer Bruno.
474
00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:26,234
Bruno, what does
your latest work symbolize?
475
00:20:26,234 --> 00:20:28,567
Well, it says so many things.
But I think
476
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:30,901
what it really
symbolizes is
477
00:20:30,901 --> 00:20:34,501
the conformity
of modern...
478
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:36,701
something.
479
00:20:38,601 --> 00:20:40,801
I knew that was it!
480
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:42,267
That's what I said.
481
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:44,400
Anyway, I don't think
I can look at...
482
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,734
your mom
483
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:47,567
as my mom anymore.
484
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:50,734
Oh, just 'cause you saw her
naked, you lost the feelings?
485
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:52,734
Oh, I still have feelings.
486
00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:55,634
They're just in a...
487
00:20:55,634 --> 00:20:56,901
new category.
488
00:20:58,567 --> 00:21:00,801
Don't. Okay. Do not.
489
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,300
Train's already left
the station, buddy.
35055
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