All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E24 Love and the Minister, Love and the Geisha, Love and the Singles Apartment

Okay, sweetie, we've
got the electric blanket set,

the thermostat set, the
remote control changer ready

and the clock radio set.

Honey, do you know our
marriage would be over

if there was ever
a power failure?

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

the story of a husband
who's not as far from home

as he thinks he is;

a sports fan, his troubled wife

and a lovely visitor
from the East;

and our first story, about a
man who would if he could

but won't when he
can't, which we call:

Why won't you marry me?

Because I love you.

But if you loved
me, you'd marry me.

And if you loved me,
you wouldn't ask me to.

It's not such a big
thing I'm asking.

You'd marry anybody
who asked you?

Well, you don't happen
to be just anybody.

I mean... what do you
mean it's not a big thing?

It's not like marrying a
perfect stranger, you know.

It's a little
different with you.

Well, we're going
around in circle.

If you loved me, you'd marry me.

And if you loved me...

you'd marry me.

But you're a minister,

it's your job to marry people.

Sure, sure, it's my job.

And, believe me, usually

it's one of the happiest
moments of my life.

But it would be the saddest
to marry you... to Bill.

But I love Bill.

Yeah.

Well, you used to
tell me you loved me.

I know.

Susan, how could your
feelings change so much?

I don't know.

Are you trying to tell
me that you love us both?

I mean, it's not possible
to love us both equally,

two men so completely different.

A used car salesman
and... and a minister.

He's not a salesman,
he's a sales manager.

Well, that's completely
beside the point.

Now, Susan, don't tell me
that you do love us both.

Well, there are some
things I love about him

and there's some
things I love about you.

Oh, great.

But, Richard, there
are some things that

a girl looks for when
she thinks of marriage,

and that's security.

Aha.

Susan, there is
nothing more secure

than the house of God.

I mean,

this Honest Joe may have
been in the used car business

for the past three years,

but the Almighty has
been doing business

in the same place for centuries.

But I can't wait for centuries,

and right now, Bill's
prospects look better.

Oh, Susan, I...

I can't believe it's a
matter of material things.

Well... well, all right.

Very well.

You want to put it
on a basis like that?

All right.

All right.

There's something I
haven't mentioned before.

Seems that I've had inquiries
from St. Luke's Church.

They're looking for
a young minister.

Susan, it would mean a raise

and a nice house.

I promised Bill,

and I'm going to
go through with it.

All right.

All right, do you
want me on my knee?

Here I am.

Oh, Richard.

Listen, you were
the one who insisted

that I choose
between you and Bill.

Well, sure.

But I thought you'd choose me.

What?

Well, you don't think
I'd insist on something

where I was going
to lose, do you?

I'm not that stupid.

Richard, from a minister...

Well, I may be a
minister, but I'm...

I'm also a man.

A man in love.

Oh, Richard, get up.

Well...

well, how did he propose?

Well, he said "Would
you marry me?"

And what did you say?

I said, "Yes."

That's all? Just "yes"?

I mean, you didn't
shout "Glory, hallelujah"

and jump up and down?

Well, we were in a delicatessen.

Oh, Richard, I'm sorry.

I really am.

But if it's happiness
that you want for me,

this is what I choose.

And Bill and I would love
you to perform the ceremony.

Yeah.

Well, I'm happy you finally
chose me for something anyway.

It will be a small wedding.

We'll have it right
here in the house.

And Bill's brother Bob will
come in from the marines

and be the best man.

And my cousin will
be the maid of honor.

Please, Richard,

it would be the most
memorable day in my life.

In my life, also.

Will you?

All right, Susan.

All right.

I'll marry you.

But only because I love you.

This is crazy.

They're running this
rehearsal like a real wedding...

Photographers, flowers, guests,

even a dame crying.

Well, you know Susan.

She wants everything perfect.

So why doesn't she
get married now?

Because the real
wedding's not for two hours.

Do you, William...

take this girl...

in sickness and in health?

Come on, man, get on with it.

Quit stalling.

Open it.

Go on, open it.

To

Be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

Yeah.

Do you, Susan, take this man to
be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Didn't you read it?

Richard, please.

If there's anyone here
who has grounds...

any grounds whatsoever,
to object to this marriage,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

Well, don't you object?

But why?

Well, I got the job.

Susan, this is your last chance.

What is this? What's
going on here?

Butt out, Bill.

Butt out?

From a minister?

Look, I'm the groom,
why should I butt out?

You losing your mind?

I saw a chaplain
go berserk once.

Terrible thing, terrible.

Please, Richard, go
on with the ceremony.

All right, I'll ask
just one last time.

Doesn't anyone have any
objection to this marriage?

All right, then I do.

And on the grounds that
this girl doesn't love that man.

Richard.

What's the matter with you, man,

have you gone off your stick?

I love Susan and she loves me.

Richard, what are you doing?

You're ruining the most
important day in my life.

I ought to punch
you right in the nose.

In a minute, in a minute.

Folks... folks, believe me,

I am very sorry for
all this confusion.

I... realize that as a minister,

it is my job to
perform this ceremony.

But I am also a man.

And as a man, I love
this girl very much,

and I really believe
that she loves me.

She's-she's just blinded
by the fact that Bill, here,

can provide her with security.

Well, now I can provide her
with just as much security.

And what's more
important than that,

I can promise her she'll be
happy all the rest of her life.

So I don't see that
there's any choice.

Am I right, or not?

No pictures now.

I think you're right,
young man. Go to it.

There, there, you see?

He agrees with me.

Susan, I love you and I
am not going to marry you.

I ought to take you
outside and beat you up.

If you need any help,
you can count on me, bub.

Now please don't fight.

This is awful.

This is awful.

Gee... you're not
like a minister at all.

You're like a real person,

with hangups and everything.

Look, Susan, let's
get out of here.

We could, uh...

we can go to a
justice of the peace...

We could elope to Las Vegas.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm just confused now.

I don't know what to think.

So, leave me
alone, will you, Bill?

But this is our wedding day.

You want to marry me, don't you?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore,

except that I'm not
getting married today.

So, go away, will you, Bill?

You mean that, Susan?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Let's go, Bob.

We'll be out in the car if...

you change your mind.

Yeah, we'll give
you five minutes.

If you're not there,
we'll go without you.

I'd have just jammed
the ring on her finger.

You're not much good
under pressure, are you?

What's going on here, Reverend?

Is there going to be a
wedding or isn't there?

Huh?

Oh. No. No, the
wedding's cancelled.

All you nice people might
just as well go on home,

if you don't mind.

There won't be
any wedding today.

Aren't wedding
rehearsals exciting?

Susie?

Everybody's leaving.

I know.

Well, I'm...

I'm sorry I ruined it.

But I guess I'd do just
about anything for you.

For me?

Against me, that's
what you mean.

Susan, now I love you,

but you just say the word

and I will never bother
you again... I mean it.

Just tell me that
you don't love me.

Just tell me that,

and I'll step out of
your life completely.

I promise.

Well, I can't tell you that.

Does that mean
that you do love me?

Maybe.

Oh, Susie, Susie!

Or I wouldn't have just
grabbed at the chance

to get out of it
with Bill so easily.

That's right. That's right.

You know, all I could think
about during the ceremony

was the way I said
"yes" in the delicatessen.

I should have yelled it out.

There, you see? That
proves you don't love Bill.

And then when I said, "I do,"

it sounded so ridiculous.

But does it prove
that you do love me?

I don't know.

Well, there's only one
way to find out, isn't there?

What?

Susan... Yes?

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes, I will.

Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, glory hallelujah.

There's a lot of
money in it, Bud.

I don't care.

If we grow watermelon,
they'll call us "Uncle Tom."

Landis fading back to
pass, Wolinsky's open

and he's got it, heading
down the right sideline,

and, oh, what beautiful...

Wolinsky's down
on the 48-yard line.

It looks like the Tornados
are now on the move.

They're lining up
without a huddle.

It's second down.

Casper's split to the
left about three yards,

Evans to the right.

There's the snap.
Landis fading back again.

Wolinsky's open and
he's got it on the 30.

Down the sideline...

Norman? What? What?

Norman?

What?!

Where you going?

I'm leaving.

I can see that. Where you going?

Norman, I'm leaving you.

You're kidding.

Do I look like I'm kidding?!

You're not kidding.

Vera, please, I love you.

Bull feathers.

You don't love me.

You love Arnold Palmer,

Wilt Chamberlain
and Herman Killebrew.

Harmon Killebrew.

You love me...

I do. I love you.

You love me?

You love everything
on that boob tube

that grunts, squeals,
groans, kicks, bites, scratches,

bats, bowls or bounces.

You trying to tell me
you don't like sports?

Me? I love sports.

I'm the biggest
sport in this house.

I'm your batting practice
pitcher, your tackling dummy,

your human hockey puck.

Vera, please, don't
go. I'm your husband.

You're not a
husband, you're a fan.

Vera, wait till after this play.

We'll talk it over. Vera?

All the way! They
can't stop him!

Down on the two-yard line!

First and goal!

Vera, come back!

There's a leak in
the front left tire!

Which is a very smart move

as Walker is a very
versatile quarterback.

And this could mean
a flat pass, a look-in

or it could mean a keep.

Ram, by the way,
completed six out of eight

in the first quarter.

Walker starts the count.

It's a handoff to the
fullback Noll, but no gain.

But, Ethel, she's been
gone two weeks now.

You're her best friend.

If you don't know
where she is, who does?

Look, in case you hear from her,

will you... will you
tell her to call me up?

But not during the game.

Around the turn and
heading for home,

it's Peartree on top by one,

Bananas a second ahead,
Bantini is third on the rail

and Postwhite is fourth.

It's Peartree and Bananas...

In a minute,
they're in a stretch.

Bananas, Bananas, let's
go. Bananas, get in there.

Come on. Ride, ride.

Let's go!

Come on, go!

Go, you bum, you.

All right.

Uh, I think you want
the Yamamoto family

down the street.

It's the place with
the yellow trim

and the pagoda
birdhouse on the roof.

Norman-san,

it is your Kyoko.

Kyoko.

Kyoko?

Kyoko?

Have I... have I
changed so much?

Kyoko!

Holy Toledo.

Kyoko!

Oh.

Oh, my, it's been
a long time, Kyoko.

I have counted every hour.

You did?

Gee, that's wonderful.

Thanks, Kyoko.

Oh, my.

Holy Toledo.

Um... will you ask me in?

Will I... will I ask you in?

Kyoko.

I don't believe it.

Kyoko.

Kyoko.

Kyoko?

It keeps the house cool.

This is, uh...

It's usually a little
neater than this,

but my, uh,

my housekeeper
left unexpectedly.

You are as I
remember you, Norman.

I am?

You're kidding? I mean...

Aw, come on.

Yeah?

Your eyes are the same.

Well, so are yours.

Both of them.

Uh, would you...

Domo.

Well...

well, Kyoko.

What are you, uh...

what are you doing in, uh...

in this, uh, part of town?

Little vacation?

You visiting your
relatives maybe?

Scouting for the
Japanese baseball league?

No.

I have come to see you.

Me?

All the way from Japan?

Yes, Norman-san.

Do you recall the last words
you spoke to me when we parted?

The last words?

Well, it, uh...

well, it could either be ohayo

or sayonara.

I, you know, I could
never remember

which was "hello" and
which was "good-bye."

What you said...

if I was ever in your country,

I was to come to you.

I said that?

I probably did.

Oh, but who'd have figured?

I mean, not that I...
not that I didn't mean it.

I mean I really meant it

at the time.

Look, Kyoko, how did
you find out where I lived?

Uh, forget it. You found out.

Uh...

How do you, uh,

how do you like America so far?

Oh... I like it much
better now, Sergeant.

Well, I'm not a
sergeant anymore.

I'm just... just a poor civilian

in the hardware game.

Do you remember the happy
days we spent together?

The nights weren't
too bad either.

I brought this one for you.

Oh, one of them
crooked trees, huh?

It is from the garden of Tosun.

Do you remember?

Garden of Tosun?

Yeah! Yeah!

It was two blocks kitty-corner
from the soccer stadium.

It is where we met.

We met at the soccer stadium?

No. The garden of Tosun.

That's right.

You were having tea
with that funny little guy.

That's my father.

Wonderful fella.

Oh, he was a wonderful fella.

Especially when he get
got a little sake in him.

Remember?

Oh, by the way, would
you like a little something?

Can I get you a
beer or a low-cal?

No, thank you. Norman-san,

I have something else for you.

Yeah?

Kimono.

Do you remember?

Let's see.

"Logan, N. 36398774.

No starch."

It's mine, all right.

Will you put it on, Norman?

You mean now?

I have long dreamed of it.

You're kidding.

You mean you dreamed of
me putting on my kimono?

Yes. It would please
me very much.

Well, I don't want to
blow a dream for you.

Boy, the old kimono.

You remember the first
time I put this thing on?

Hey, still fits.

Not bad.

Not bad. Yeah.

Oh, Kiyoko, you
don't have to do that.

Oh, I wish to.

The Japanese has a saying,

"The house of love
must be no less clean

than hearts of lovers."

Great. Look, while
you're cleaning up,

I'll catch the hammer throw
finals on educational TV.

And I don't know
about you viewers,

but this is the most
exciting hammer throw finals

I've ever been to.

As I told you from
the beginning,

the champion is
suffering from indigestion...

What will we drink to this time?

To old friends who
are not present.

Uh, let's forget old friends
who are not present.

How about we
drink to Disneyland?

Kanpai. Kanpai.

Norman?

Yes?

Do you remember

the thing you loved
best between us?

What thing?

You like to walk
on the furniture?

No, Norman.

The old back massage.

Would you like me to do it?

Gee, I don't know.

I don't know if I
can still take it.

For old times' sake.

You ready? Yeah.

All right, Kyoko,

but watch out for
the kidney area.

Oh, that's beautiful, Kyoko.

Ah! A little to the left.

Eh? That's the spot. Ooh, ooh!

Oh, wait a minute.

Kyoko, could you hand me
that clicker on the TV set?

That's it.

The temperature's in the 70s,

with a slight
breeze to the west.

Just in time for the kickoff.

All right, Kyoko, start walking.

And here we go!

Johnson kicking off.

You know, I think you
put on a couple of pounds.

Oh, you know, Kyoko,
you got some feet.

Hello, Norman.

Hi.

Oh... oh, hi.

Hi.

Uh... uh...

Yeah, that, that's, uh... Kyoko.

Uh, Kyoko, this is
my wife, um, uh...

Vera.

Oh, yeah, Vera, Vera.

My wife, Vera,

this is, uh, uh,
Kyoko, my, uh, m-my...

Your maid, I presume.

No, no, no, of course.

She's, uh, she's,
uh, my-my gardener.

Oh, stop lying to me, Norman.

Where did this Japanese
beetle come from?

Vera, please,
remember your manners.

I'll remember my manners.
You remember Pearl Harbor.

Excuse me.

I did not know you are married.

How come you didn't tell her

you were married, Norman?

Well, I-I-I... I don't know.

It just didn't come up in
conversation, that's all.

Well, it just did.

We're married. Comprende?

Oh, for crying out loud, Vera.

She doesn't understand Spanish.

So we're even. I don't
understand Japanese.

How do you like this?

I come home and find
you living with a stranger.

She's not a stranger.

What?! Uh, uh, uh, well,

we knew each other when
I was stationed in Japan.

What do you mean
"knew each other"?

Nothing, nothing.

We, we just had a
little sukiyaki together.

Sukiyaki.

Who are you kidding, Norman?

You can't even eat boiled
rice without an alkalizer.

All right, all right, so we
had a few laughs in Japan.

Big deal.

We weren't married.

I didn't even know you then.

Excuse me.

Uh, I have no wish for trouble.

I only meant to bring Norman,
you know, inner peace.

Yeah, inner peace.

That's it, Vera.

Mm-hmm.

Well, let me tell you something.

The only inner peace
he's going to get is in jail

when I nail him for bigamy,

philandering, and...
fraternizing with the enemy!

Vera, you're hysterical.

You're darn right
I'm hysterical!

I come back to my own home

and I find my husband
with a live-in geisha.

She's not a geisha.

How do you think that
makes me feel, Norman?

I walk in here and
the first thing I see

is this barefoot Kabuki doing
a tap dance on your spine.

I thought you had
bursitis, Norman.

Well, that shows you
the way you listen.

It's in my arm, not in my back.

Excuse me.

And you're going to throw
away our entire marriage

for this Asian floozy?

Just a minute.

Just one minute.

You're the one who
walked out, not me.

Let me tell you something else.

It's a good thing...

It's a good thing she
came here when she did

because this whole house
would have been condemned

by the health department.

She keeps a great house.

So could I, if you
didn't live here.

Excuse me.

And you're so glad to see me,

you haven't even
picked up my suitcase.

Don't touch that suitcase.

I haven't decided yet
whether or not I'm gonna stay.

Norman?

Norman, where are you going?

Haven't you any decency at all?

We're a triangle.

People shoot each other
every day over things like this

and all you can think about
is your crummy football game.

That's the Honeydew
Bowl. I don't care

if it's the D.A.R. Olympics.

Excuse me. If
you love this girl,

at least be a man and say so.

"In the spring,

your loveliness is
as the song of birds"?

You wrote that about her?

Huh? Oh, oh, no, no, she...
she wrote that about me.

Yuck.

Yuck yourself.

You can learn
something from this girl.

Maybe you'd like me
to walk on your back.

Don't knock it
till you've tried it.

I'd love to.

With my golf shoes on.

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me. I...

I tell you what I'm gonna
do with you, Norman.

You can have the girl,
but I'll take the house,

the car, the furniture
and the TV set.

Don't touch

that TV set.

Ah... I'm going
to bleed you dry.

And don't say

I didn't warn you.

You're getting into real
trouble now: mixed marriage.

I got news for you, Vera.

No marriage could be
more mixed than ours.

Excuse me, Norman-san.
Why don't we...?

What'd she say?

Ooh! "What'd she say?"

Don't get so excited.

All she said was,
"Let's talk it over."

All right, who
wants to talk first?

Okay, I will.

Yeah, that figures.

Now, let's look at
it this way, Norman.

You're no prize package,

but we've been married
for 13 years, right?

I thought it was 14 years.

What difference does it make?

The point is, there was
something between us.

Oh, yeah.

Fights.

Sure, we fought, but
look what we built up:

this beautiful home,
beautiful furniture...

sterling silver, a car with a
new left front wheel and tire.

45 bucks. I knew it.

Get dressed, honey.

What can she do to top that?

I can give Norman
things of spirit...

Tranquility, harmony,
a sense of poetry.

The only poetry he knows is,

"There once was a
lady from Worcester,"

and he recites it
when he's smashed.

When the labors of
the day wears him,

I will bathe his body.

I'll have a Bloody Mary
waiting in the front door,

and he can bathe his own body.

Norman.

Norman!

Huh? Huh?

There seems to be
a little disagreement

as to which one of us
can do the best for you.

Uh, we'd like to hear
your views on the subject.

Uh, I-I don't know. It's a
tough decision to make.

You see the problem?

I shall change him.

Change him?

Honey, you're gonna have to walk

on more than his
back to change him.

You'll have to walk
all over his head.

Do you know what Norman likes?

I'll clue you in.

He likes cheap cigars,
penny ante poker,

barbecued hot dogs, canned beer,

torn gym shoes...

And television.

Right.

Look at him.

A closed-circuit head
on a solid-state body.

He turned his back on
us for the joys of football.

Oh, it's not only football.

It's baseball,

basketball, curling,

sheep shearing and shot-putting.

In my country, we have a saying.

"When the two robins
fight over a single worm,

it is perhaps the birds, not
the worm, who should turn."

Worm is right.

Come on. Get in.
Come on. Get in.

Hey, what are you doing?!

It's in the middle of
a touchdown play!

You're just going to
have to take a minute out.

What?

Norman-san, I am leaving.

It is clear that you
have no need for me.

Or me either.

I'm going with her.

W-Wait a minute, girls.

Wait a minute. What
are you talking about?

W-W-Why can't
we talk it over, huh?

What do you say?

Sayonara.

Yeah. Sayonara.

Sayonara?

What is that, hello or good-bye?

It ain't hello.

He crosses the 35,
40, 45, across midfield.

Great blocking.

Oh, Lamar, I love you.

Please call me.

I beg you, Lamar.

I love you.

Hi. This is Lamar.

Lamar who?

And I really wish I
could be with you,

especially tomorrow.

So I'll have a lonely birthday.

So what?

Look, honey, we...
we knew it was going

to be a little tough
at the beginning

when I got the promotion.

Just sell the house
fast, will you? Huh?

Okay.

Yeah, well, it's...

it's a bachelor pad, you know?

Just four walls and a bed.

Just someplace to sack
out after a hard day's work.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, right, honey.

I am trying to
keep my spirits up.

I will, sweetheart.

I'll try to make
some new friends.

You know what I'm going to
be thinking about tomorrow.

I know it's the first birthday
I'll be spending away from you.

I know.

Well, thank you, sweetheart.

Right.

Well, I'll be, uh, I'll
be signing off now.

I'll talk to you soon, okay?

All right, darling. Bye-bye.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

And happy birthday.

Bye, darling.

Trevor, did you forget

that you were going to
meet me at the 4:00 buffet?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. Yeah.

Where's my head?
Where's my head?

Well, I figured that you
wouldn't be tracking too well

after that party last night.

So I decided to bring
up a few little goodies.

I thought I'd find you
up here, young lady.

Now you know the
rules very clearly.

And catering to one
member of the group,

unless they are sick
or disabled, is a no-no.

Now take that food
back down to the buffet.

Oh, but, Mrs. Kaplan...

And don't baby talk me, darling.

I just happen to be
top dog around here,

and right now, Trevor and I

have some very pressing
business to discuss.

So you just run along
like a good little girl.

Well, it's not fair.

I've got dibs on him first.

Oh, honey, honey, come on,

just run along quietly, will ya?

I'll be down in a
jiffy, okay? Okay.

Poaching, and at your age.

At my age.

Well, even dirty old
women need love.

Don't they, Trevor?

Uh, yeah.

I guess so.

All right, so forget about love.

But a nice close relationship?

It wasn't so long ago

I could run rings
around the chicks here.

Mrs. Kaplan, what
was it you wanted

to talk to me about? Oh, please.

Call me Jenny.

I mean don't be so formal.

You're the cutest
guy around here.

But, and you will
forgive my saying so,

you're a, you're a little
stiff, you know what I mean?

Loosen up a little bit.

Uh, was there some, uh...

official activity

you wanted to discuss
with me, Mrs. Kaplan?

All right, we'll talk.

Where's my activities sheet?

Ah, here it is.

Let's see.

Ah, Monday, Alice
B. Toklas bake out.

Tuesday, nude psycho drama.

Oh, we had a good turnout
for that, we missed you.

Oh, that was the night
of the power failure.

That was fun.

We oughta try and
plan a few of those.

Now, let's see. Uh-huh.

Here it is. I found it.

Found what?

Tomorrow's program.

It's your birthday

and we are giving
you an official,

spontaneous
surprise birthday party

at the Tiki Hut and
9:00 p.m. sharp.

I just wanted to
remind you, that's all.

Now, how could I forget
my own, uh, official...

spontaneous surprise
birthday party?

It's been posted on
the bulleting board

for two weeks now.

We'll see you
there, then, all right?

I wouldn't miss it.

Good. And, um...

do yourself a favor.

Loosen up a little.

Trevor!

Hey, Trev...

Wow.

This is a dark, dingy
little bachelor pad?

Hello.

Huh?

Oh.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm Rona.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Debbie, across the hall.

You looking for Trevor?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh. Well, um,

he's working late tonight.

You're a friend of his?

Mm-hmm.

You might say I'm one
of his, uh, best friends.

Oh. From back east?

Uh-huh.

Well, um, I'm one of his

best friends in the West.

Oh. Well, you picked
a bad time to see him.

Tonight's his birthday
and we're having a party

in his honor and, uh...

well, he's gonna be
pretty tied up tonight.

I see.

Yes.

Oh. I see you're married.

Yes.

Does your husband know
you're here to see Trevor?

No. No, he doesn't.

But my husband and I may
be on the verge of a breakup,

and he doesn't know that either.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Well, if it happens, you
move into this building.

But I wouldn't get my
heart set on Trevor.

He's sort of, um... taken.

Well, you can stay and
talk to him till about 9:00,

but then the party starts.

See you later.

Just a minute.

Now, just a minute.

Don't... don't lose your calm.

Now, what would Dear Abby say?

She would say...

don't jump to conclusions.

That's right. Don't
jump to conclusions.

Give him the
benefit of the doubt.

Talk to him.

He's a mature person.

That's right. Give that
two-timing, double-crossing

sneaky animal a
chance to explain himself.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Sure. I'm just
gonna sit right here

and be mature.

Well, I can't.

I-I just can't stand the
suspense another minute.

Not only is he living with
her, but she's got good taste.

Well, hello, there.

Is, uh, Trevor home?

I hope not.

There's nobody here.

Ah, then we have the
place all to ourselves.

Uh...

You're a doll. What's your name?

Mary, as in Typhoid.

You're funny, too.

Uh, mine's Kurt, as
in Crazy About Mary.

Yeah. I gotta be going now.

Hey, don't go. Are
you a friend of Trevor's?

No!

Oh. What are you doing here?

Well, I-I just got into
town and I was looking

for a place to live.

I understood that this
was a model apartment.

Hey, hey, the wedding ring.

You better take it off.

That's against the house rules.

Why not?

Would you like a drink?

Why not?

I know what you're
going through.

You know, even
the grooviest divorce

can leave you sad,
depressed and suicidal.

But you came to the right place.

I did?

You know it.

The Pleasure Dome
is loneliness-proof.

It was designed to break
down all the barriers.

This is the greatest
place for singles to swing

in all of Los Angeles.

I can tell.

Oh, the pads are
great, but, that's not it.

It's the activities.

Yeah. There's no fooling around

with the weekend
trips to Disneyland

or computer dating or any
of that lonely hearts jazz.

Nah, this is strictly
an adult operation...

Round-the-clock swinging.

You'd really dig it here.

It's great for the newly
divorced or the newly arrived.

Newly arrived?

Yeah, you know.

If you're new in town
and you want to get

into a controlled
atmosphere of...

we know what we're
both here for, don't we?

You know?

Beginning to.

Listen, would you...

I mean, it...

If you would really like
to know how it works...

Mm-hmm.

There's a birthday
party tonight.

Would you like to be my guest?

Birthday party?

Yeah, it's for the
guy in this apartment.

Trevor. It's his birthday.

It's a surprise.

Oh, that sounds interesting.

Will you go with me?

Sure.

I love surprises.

♪ ♪

How, uh, would
you like to dance?

Yeah. Uh, where's
the birthday boy?

Huh? Oh, Trevor? Yeah.

He's over there,

uh... with Debbie,

the girl with the body.

He-he seems to be
enjoying himself, doesn't he?

He does all right.

He's a swinger, too.

Well, what do you think?

Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Well, shouldn't we
say hello to him first?

I mean, after all,
it is his birthday.

Okay. We'll dance over,
and I'll introduce you.

Okay.

Hey, Trevor.

Happy birthday.

Well, thank you very much.

Happy birthday, Trevor.

Oh. Mary, this is Trevor.

And, Trevor, this is Mary.

Hi.

Hi, Mary.

Debbie. Hello.

Mary might be moving
into the building here.

Oh, is that a fact?

Well, that's great. Uh...

You know, I'm on the
official welcoming committee.

I might just be one
of your first visitors.

Well, why don't you
welcome me with a dance?

You wouldn't mind dancing
with Debbie, would you?

That's a great idea.

There's a lot to be said for
this old-fashioned dancing.

You get closer to people.

Mmm.

You know something?

You can be awfully
close to people

without really knowing them.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I feel I know a great deal about
you just holding you in my arms.

Oh, yeah, like what? What
do you know about me?

Well, like, for instance,
you're about, mmm...

36-24-35, huh?

Ah. You're very cute.

Well, you're very cute, too.

Am I as cute as 38-22-35?

Come again?

Debbie.

Oh. Debbie. Oh, listen,

that's nothing. It's...
believe me, it's strictly

a casual thing. Yeah.

It didn't look casual to me.

Oh, ho, come on. No.

Hey, listen, that, uh...

that perfume you're wearing.

It kinda reminds me of somebody.

Another girl?

Yeah, yeah. Somebody
I used to like a lot.

Okay, you had your chance.

What do you say we
get some food, Mary?

Okay. Bye...

Bye, Mary.

Well, am I still number one
or do I have to try harder?

Oh, don't be
silly. Don't be silly.

Gee, she did remind me

of somebody, though.

Yeah, she reminded
me of somebody, too.

No kidding. Who?

Except for the hair,
she looks like the girl

that I saw in your
apartment this afternoon.

Uh... what girl?

Well, she said she was a
friend of yours from back east.

Rona. Yeah, that was her name.

Oh. Rona.

Rona.

From back east.

Yeah, does that
mean anything to you?

No, no, I never heard
of her before in my life.

Listen, sweetheart,
you just stay right here.

I'll-I'll be right back.

Maybe.

Thank goodness she finally
found herself a protector.

Ah, that's nice.

Is she getting married?

No, she's getting
A German shepard.

We don't allow
animals in the building.

Oh, the birthday boy!

How do you like
the party, Trevor?

Oh, it's...

Listen, Mary, could I talk to
you privately for a minute?

It's very important.
No, you can't talk...

I-I-I don't...
Well, I was just...

I was talking to Mrs. Kaplan
about moving into the building.

Great. You got to
see my apartment.

It's sort of a model for all
the other apartments, see?

She saw your apartment, Trevor.

But not at night, and that's
when it looks all different.

Please, Mary, I've
got to talk to you.

It's important. Would
you excuse us, please?

You can't... She
can't go with you.

Oh, I don't think that's right,

leaving his very
own birthday party.

And with my girl.

I'll talk to him tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow will be too late.

Won't be his birthday anymore.

She won't be my girl anymore.

Hmm.

It's a nice little
place you got here.

Who decorated it, Onassis?

Yeah, I guess it's,
uh, pretty groovy,

but it's... it's also

pretty lonely.

It is?

Listen, don't let

all the hi-fi and the
trappings fool you.

If you're not sharing this

with someone you're
really crazy about,

it's... it's awful.

And how often is that,
during an average a week?

This is the first time.

Oh, I bet.

Hey, how did you know

I like my martini one part gin,

one part vermouth, and
four parts quince juice?

A wild guess.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey, I never felt
vibrations like that before.

Never? Never.

Those are positively
one of a kind.

Let's try it again.

Yeah, there's no doubt about it.

Those are the greatest
vibrations I ever felt.

Except, uh...

What? What?!
What is it? What is it?

No, no, no, those
were the greatest.

So...

It's no use.

It's not use. I...

I can't go through with it.

I thought you said that they
were the greatest vibrations.

I guess they were.

You guess? All right, all right.

So they're the second
greatest vibrations.

What?!

Oh, Mary, look, this is
a horrible thing to say

at a time like this,
but I'm a married man.

Happily, medium, or just
going along for the ride?

Well, I hate to
admit it, but I'm...

I'm madly in love with my wife.

Ooh. Well, what brings
you to the Pleasure Dome?

Well, I was
transferred out here.

I just sublet this place
from my office manager

just till my wife and
kids can join me.

I don't know, for a
happily married man,

you have a very great reputation

with a certain
kind of neurotic girl.

Debbie? Poor Debbie.

Well, she... she sort of uses me

as a father figure, you know.

It's a...

I already have a father.

Oh, Mary, I...

I never felt this way before.

Listen, your vibrations
are nearly as powerful

as my darling
wife's, you know that?

Listen, this is the first time
I felt this way in 134 days.

Oh!

Oh, Mary.

Well, there's no
use fighting it.

Those are absolutely the second
greatest vibrations I ever felt.

Hmm.

Mary, what's the matter?

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

Ashamed? Why?

Oh, yes, because

you're so good and so honest

and so faithful

and so sneaky and so two-faced

and so double-cross...

Mary, what are you saying?

What about an entire set

of women's clothes
in your closet, huh?

Oh. No, no, Mary, hold it.

Just... Mary, please.

No, those-those belong
to my office manager.

She left them here with-with
most of her other things.

You mean your office
manager is a woman?

Well, if she's not, she's
under arrest in 12 states.

Oh, Mary, Mary,
don't-don't cry, please.

Hey, look as soon as you
move into the Pleasure Dome,

you'll meet somebody else,
somebody equally unhappy and-and

lonely and miserable.

I'm not unhappy and
miserable and lonely.

Well, I don't get it. Then what
brings you to the Pleasure Dome?

Rona!

Yeah, yeah, phony Rona.

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

I don't understand.

Well, I-I came to surprise
you for your birthday.

Well, you certainly did.

Oh, Trevor.

Trevor, I distrusted you!

Me? Me, the
official father figure?!

Well, I came... I came
into your apartment,

and I saw those singles
and the sexy stereo,

and, oh, please, please,
can you ever forgive me?

Well, I don't know.

I'll never distrust you again.

Okay.

Okay, on one condition.

Anything.

It's been 134 days
with that electric blanket.

It's present time.

Happy birthday.

Heads.

Three out of five!
Three out of five!

Uh... tails!

Five out of seven!
Five out of seven!

Sooner or later, you're
going to have to kiss me.

♪ ♪