All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E23 Love and the Fly, Love and the Millionaires, Love and Double Trouble

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

Every man's dream
and one man's nightmare,

bedtime games
among the cliff dwellers,

and our first story
about the bugs

in an otherwise happy
marriage, which we call:

Barbara?!

Barbara?

You called, O master?

You have been using
my drawing pen again.

I cannot tell a lie.

Yes, I have been
using your drawing pen.

But then you are
using my bedroom.

My studio is being redecorated,

I'm weeks behind on the strip,

Barney's called
three times today,

and what do you
mean your bedroom?

Well, if ours is part of mine
and mine is part of ours,

then this is mine,
and it is on loan to you.

Barbara, with this pen,
when it isn't mangled...

I did not mangle your pen.

I used it to write
a very brief note.

Well, that must have
been a very important note.

I wrote a letter to the milkman.

The milk...!

You used this pen, my pen,

the pen that I use to draw
"Ricky and His Pals" with?

Oh, forgive me, O master,
I used the sacred pen.

I used Ricky's pen.

Now you're doing
it again, aren't you?

Doing what?

You're making cracks.

Oh, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.
You're making cracks.

Now look, Barbara, look, look,

I know that you don't
think very much of Ricky.

But there are millions,
millions of people

all across the country who...

To whom "Ricky and His Pals"

are part and parcel
of their daily lives.

That's right. That's right.

Now, you walk up on the
street and you ask anybody.

No, I wouldn't do that, Corbett.

I wouldn't do that. Well, you can,
you can ask anybody on the street.

You ask them who
Jean-Paul Sartre is,

Jean-Paul... you ask them
and they say, "Who? Who?"

But you ask them who
"Ricky and His Pals" are...

And...

He will tell you that he is part and
parcel of his daily life. That's right!

That's why I'm not going to draw

the part and parcels
of people's lives...

Millions of people's
lives... with a dull pen.

Corbett, this is ridiculous.

I mean, I did not dull
your crummy little pen.

Crummy? Crummy?!

Oh, oh, excuse me, it's yours.

Everything here is yours.

Nothing is mine.

Yeah, well, Barbara...

I mean, you paid for everything,

you own everything, it
is simply on lend to me.

Oh, Barb...

Your pen.

Hyah!

All right, all right!

Oh, no! He may have
friends in the neighborhood!

Corbett, could...

Ew, what is that?

Oh, it's awful.

No, don't!

You'll let him
in! I'll let who in?

Whom.

Now, look, if you
want to stay here

and be asphyxiated, that's fine.

But me, I'm going to leave.

Oh, oh.

Corbett, I really hate to beg,

but I found this old pen of
yours... I mean, it's really old.

I think it's a souvenir from
the 1939 World's Fair and I...

Corbett?

Corbett...

Stand right where you are.

What is it? Don't say anything.

I'll get him.

Put that down!

It's the fly, he's been
bothering me all day.

It's my fly.

It's my pet fly and don't
you lay a finger on it.

What do you mean your pet fly?

Just what I said,
it's my pet fly.

Barbara, you're just being...

Ah-ah! Petty?

No, no, no, I wouldn't
have said petty.

Well, how come I've
never heard of him?

Oh, I don't have to
tell you everything.

I mean, don't you think
I have a life of my own?

Everything is yours,
nothing is mine.

Well, not everything,
because, you see, that is my fly.

I mean, I've had him
for what, over a week.

He's just flying
around, flying around?

I-I-I've never
seen you feed him.

Well, you haven't seen
me do a lot of things

because you've just been too
busy with Ricky and his dummies.

Never mind Ricky and his...

All right, all right.

I will leave Ricky alone

if you will leave my fly alone.

All right, sweetheart.

Now you be a good boy and
mommy will be back soon.

Corbett...

Don't you lay a finger on him.

I don't believe it.

Caesar!

Caesar, come here.

Well, where are you, darling?

Ah, there's mommy's boy.

Yes. How do you like your new
house that mommy bought for you?

She bought it with
daddy's money, so you say

thank you to daddy.

Caesar?!

Hey, Corbett, I hope
you don't mind...

Why aren't you working?

I'm getting smashed.

At 11:00 in the morning?

What happened?

Don't ask.

You have a fight with Barbara?

I said don't ask.

I'm not asking, I was guessing.

Yeah.

Boy, I've never seen
you drunk before.

Well, then this is

a big day for you, isn't it?

Now, look, I'm your manager,
not a marriage counselor.

Is that right?

But I hate to see
trouble between you two.

Mm, so do I.

Come on, what is it
between you and Barbara?

Is it serious?

She thinks Ricky's silly.

Ricky's silly?

Does she realize how many papers

are carrying us now?

She doesn't care about that.

She wants me to be
George Bernard Shaw

or Anton Chekhov or
William Shakespeare, so...

Ricky doesn't mean
anything to her.

Oh, that's serious.

Yeah, furthermore, furthermore,

since she doesn't value me,

she doesn't value
my possessions.

Like my pen.

But that's awful.

You're a very important man.

Yeah, I know.

You make a lot of money. Mm-hmm.

She ought to take
care of you like a king.

Mm.

No.

No, she wants her own life.

I mean, she isn't satisfied
with getting her satisfaction

indirectly, you
know, through me.

She wants to do her own thing.

Yeah? What's her own thing?

I don't know.

If I told you what happened
this morning you wouldn't...

What did you do?

Nothing... I just killed a fly.

Now go on, you
were saying... What?

I killed a fly.

I don't see him.

What... what's him?

You killed him. That was Caesar.

You killed him.

So I killed a fly. So what?

Have you turned
Hindu or something?

You don't understand.

This is Barbara's own
fly, her own personal fly.

She trained him and she loves
him more than me maybe even.

He was in that cage,
he must have got out.

Yeah, maybe it's a good
thing I stopped him...

He was trying to
make his getaway.

You don't understand.

You see, if Barbara comes
out here and finds him dead,

then she'll think that I
killed him on purpose,

and that's the end
of our marriage.

Boy, that's it, I know it.

Ah, hi, Barney. Hi.

Uh, Corbett, I'm going shopping.

Oh, okay, uh, have a good time.

Are you catching a cold?

Me?

No, No. Why?

Well, I mean, your
eyes are flushed,

your nose is all red.

Yeah?

Well, I guess I am, then.

Oh.

Well, I'll see you later.

Good-bye, Barney.

What am I going to tell her?

I don't know.

Yes, I do know.

We'll get her another fly.

No, no... you think it'd work?

Sure it'll work.
She'll never know.

All those flies,
they look alike.

Where we gonna find one?

I don't know, there must be
one around here somewhere.

No, no, she keeps
the place spotless.

Miserable in here, miserable.

What about the garbage?

No, no, she took
it out this morning.

Oh.

I know... I know!

Where? Come on, I know
where we can get one.

Now, look, fellas, what
is this, a fraternity prank?

You know, when I was in college,

I had to find a balloon
from a bubble dancer.

But I was a kid then.

And, well, you guys are adults.

You don't understand.

All we need is
a fly, just any fly.

Mm-hmm, well, if I
had a fly, just any fly, sir,

I'd give it to you.

But you see, I don't get
very many calls for flies.

Look, sir, you seem
like a reasonable man...

Uh-huh. I am.

That's why I'm going
to ask you to leave.

We're leaving without a fly.

Look, fellas, I would
like to help you,

I promise you I would.

How about, uh...
how about a hamster

or a mouse or a guinea pig?

Yes, I'll sell you a guinea pig

for the same price as a fly

because if I had
a fly, believe me,

she would be very expensive.

She? No, no, it's a boy fly.

Caesar. That's right.

Look, you guys
are too fussy for me.

Now would you please get out?

Look, please, this
is an emergency.

Now, certainly you must have
a fly around here somewhere.

Yeah.

I beg your pardon.

We are absolutely antiseptic.

Now, if you don't mind...

Corbett. What?

Restaurant. Restaurant.

Where's the nearest restaurant?

Well, there's one around on
Gilmore and another on Fifth.

You take Gilmore, I'll
take the one on Fifth.

Hi.

Where have you been?

Out with Barney to a restaurant.

Oh.

He isn't back yet, is he?

Well, I thought you
said he was with you.

Well, I did. But not exactly.

We went to
different restaurants.

Oh.

How's Caesar?

Oh, he must have gotten out.

I guess he's around
here somewhere.

Well, maybe the
exercise will do him good.

Corbett?

Oh, I love you.

Oh, I love you, too,
baby. Oh, Corbett.

I've got to tell you something.
We have got to talk about...

There's something I've
got to talk to you about.

No, me first, huh?

I'm, um, I want to tell you that

I really am sorry

about what I said about
"Ricky and His Pals."

I mean... But that's
what I want to talk about.

I know how much
Ricky means to you

and what I said was just cruel.

But that's what I've got to say.

I hate Ricky and his pals

and Bertha and Spike
and Knuckle Nose,

I hate that Knuckle
Nose, I really hate him.

You hate him?

Yeah, I hate him
and I want to quit.

I really do.

I'm... I want to write again.

Now, I may flop, once more,

and we may have to
give up living like this,

but I want to quit.

Oh, Corbett!

Oh, that's what I want, too.

I mean, that's why
I've been so cranky.

You will do it? Now pinkie
swear. Yes, pinkie swear.

Just as soon as I see Barney.

Oh, Corbett, oh!

Could you get me
a cup of coffee?

Of course.

Could you do that?

I love you.

I love you.

No sugar.

Oh.

Now wouldn't you know it?

I mean, I went to the market

and the one thing I
forgot is the coffee.

Oh, well, that's okay.

I'm sorry. That's all right.

Oh, Corbett, you see
how nice everything is,

I mean, when we don't keep
anything from each other?

We just tell each
other the truth,

everything's out in the
open that way. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, Corbett...

there's one other
thing I have to tell you.

What?

You know that green
and white checked shirt,

the one with the
thing there and there?

Oh, yeah, the one that
was ruined in the laundry.

Uh, well, not exactly.

See, uh... I tore it up.

I mean, I was just so
mad at you that day.

You tore it to shreds? Mm-hmm.

But that was my favorite shirt.

You're mad, right?
Why would you...?

Well... Uh-huh.

It's just a shirt... whatever.

You tore it to shreds.

Corbett.

Well, I've got
something to tell you.

Hmm? Mm-hmm.

Only I don't think
you better look at me.

Uh-oh. It's a bad one, right?

Yeah, it's a bad...

I got us a fly, pal!

I have a...!

Forget it, Barney.
Just forget it.

All right, now, Barbara,
now brace yourself.

Caesar is dead.

We killed him
today accidentally.

No, I killed him, I killed him.

I'm not letting you
take the rap for me.

Okay, Barney killed him.

We spent all afternoon
trying to find you another pet.

Now I just want you to know that

what's important to
you is important to me.

What's the matter, Barbara?

Are you all right?
She's hysterical.

Oh, Corbett.

He wasn't, was he?

Caesar was not your pet?

No, I...

I made it up to...

to make you mad.

But I will always love him.

You miserable wench.

Well, we've come
to praise Caesar,

not to bury him.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

That's what I like to see.

Now just one more kiss
and then back to work.

The strip's due this afternoon.

The strip's due this
afternoon. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Barney...

Good-bye. Huh?

We've got more important
things to get back to.

H-H-Hold it.

You know something?

I think I'm going
to keep this little fly.

Yeah.

She's really awful cute.

You know, I got
her off a fruit salad.

She likes me.

She'll do anything
I say. Here, look.

Stay, Cleo.

That's right.

See that?

We're going home.

Lamar, I know you'd like
me to be one of the boys,

but this is too much.

Mmm! Dee-licious.

You know what
I'd like for dessert?

It's garbage night.

I would have settled
for tapioca pudding.

You sure know how to
turn off a mood, Alice.

Well, in that T-shirt
and those slippers,

you're not exactly Engelbert
Humperdinck, you know.

Would you tell me what this is?

Oh, I was going to
tell you about that.

It's called a garbage can.

I know what it's called.

What do you call this?

Kirk Douglas in The Vikings?

$8.99.

Save-A-Lot Stores.

I saved almost two
dollars by buying it.

You could have saved
$8.99 by not buying it.

Do you know how long it
takes me to make $8.99?

Two hours and seven minutes.

It sure is hard come, easy
go around here, isn't it, Alice?

Oh, did you ever think
it's not how much I spend,

but how little you make?

Don't start with the
money scene now.

You knew exactly what I
was when you married me.

Not exactly.

You knew I was a lineman.

Yes, but I imagined you were

a lineman for the
Green Bay Packers,

not the phone
company. Bong! Bong!

End of round one.
You win that one.

All right, now for round
two about the garbage can.

What was wrong with
the old garbage can?

The garbage man condemned it.

He threw it on the
truck and he said

it was giving the
neighborhood a bad name.

Oh, since when does the
garbage man care about

the looks of this neighborhood?

Since he moved next door.

Oh-ho-ho, well, I do hope
that he approves of this one,

because you've got a beaut.

Oh, you've got a good one.

You've got the best
can in town, Alice.

Bong, bong, end of round two.

Uh-huh, I guess I
won that round, huh?

Oh, she sure does take
all the fun out of fighting.

Honey?

Hmm?

You know what night this is?

I took the garbage out.

I mean it's Thursday.

Hmm?

Oh.

I don't want to play.

Oh, come on,
just a little while.

I've got a headache.

Come on...

Oh... all right.

All right.

Only this time you
keep the score.

I better, 'cause the
last time, you cheated.

Now, here are the rules:

We each have half
a million dollars.

Yeah. And we have
ten minutes to spend it.

Whoever spends the
most and gets the best wins.

Only one wish to a turn,

and if you exceed
your half million dollars,

you're disqualified.
Any questions?

Who goes first?

I'll go first.

Let's see.

I think I'll start

with a full-length,
natural-dyed chinchilla coat

with a cowl collar
and a matching muff.

I think I can pick one
up for about $10,000.

Give or take.

One chinchilla coat,
$10,000. Your turn.

I pass.

You know you can't do that.

The whole purpose of the game
is for you to spend your money.

Well, I haven't made up my mind

what I want to
spend my money on,

so I'm just going to
leave it in the bank

and let it draw interest.

All right, you lose.

Wait a minute. I
question that call.

I don't have to spend
my money, Alice.

Why can't it be
liquid for one night?

Because... because that's
hoarding, and hoarding is...

well, it's un-American.

All right, Alice.

I'm going to play the game
according to your rules.

I'm withdrawing all my
money from the bank,

and I'm buying
$500,000 worth of stocks.

Stocks? Yep.

What a stupid way
to spend your money.

Yeah? Tell that
to Howard Hughes.

The only thing
you've got in common

with Howard Hughes
is your wardrobe.

Aw, come on, Alice.

Stop making jokes
and put me down

for $500,000
worth of stocks now.

Hey, your turn.

Do you remember
what happened in 1929?

Oh, yeah. Red Sox
won the pennant.

If you invest in
the stock market,

it'll be 1929 all over again.

You want to bet?

You bet.

How much?

$100,000.

You're on.

Hey, Alice, you could
have got that chinchilla coat

a lot cheaper if you
bought it wholesale.

Now, if I were you,

I would stop shopping
those glamour stocks

and buy 150 shares of
American Rock and Steel.

It's a very solid company,

and their earnings are up 50
cents per share this quarter.

Yes. I'm positive
it won't go down.

Have a little faith, all right?

Well, that's right. You
can't lose a penny.

I have another
customer, so I have to go.

Good-bye, Father.

And say hello to Sister
Mary Immaculate for me.

How do you do? I'm Mr. Benjamin.

Hi. Oh, I'm John Bagley.

What can we do for you today?

Well, if a guy had a
lot of money to invest,

where would he put it if he
wanted to double it the fastest?

How much do you have in mind?

$500,000.

Call me Bob.

Won't you have a seat?

Oh, well, I am
sitting down, aren't I?

I mean, take my seat.
It's more comfortable.

Well, I'd just as soon
sit where I'm sitting.

Anything you'd like.

Ms. Dash, please
hold all my calls.

Mr. Bagley, as you know,

investing money is a
very serious business.

The kind of money
you're talking about...

You're still talking
about 500,000?

Yeah.

It takes time:

time to analyze the board;

time to study your
needs in depth;

time to put all the information
through our computers;

and time to compile
a personal portfolio

geared to your individual needs.

Ooh. How long
does all that take?

About ten minutes.
I'd like to get

you started in Tide Pool Oil.

You, uh... you did want to
invest the entire 500,000?

Oh, sure.

Hey, by the way,
do you validate?

Oh, get that, will
you, honey? I'm busy.

Hello.

I'm sorry, but I'm sort of lost.

Could you tell me where
Mr. John Bagley lives?

Go in, turn left at the
couch, and there he is.

Mr. Benjamin, now,
what are you doing here?

Honey, this is Mr. Benjamin,
my stockbroker.

He's with Wyatt, Sloan,
Brenner and Bean.

Oh, really? Which one are you?

Pleased to meet you.

Well, I was really surprised

when I found this address
in this neighborhood.

Always been right here.

Well, actually,
it has a sort of...

It's a kind of...

Oh, it's very... Camp.

We're moving real soon.

To the country?

No, no. Across the hall.

Get a better view of the back.

Well, I'm sure you
must be very busy.

I'll just take a few minutes.

No, no. That's all right.

You come in. Would
you like a beer?

No, thanks.

Alice, you get him a beer.

Get me one, too. Right.

Thanks, Mr. Bagley.

I, um... I hope you
weren't too alarmed

at the news in today's paper.

Well, as a matter
of fact, I was, yes.

I had a hunch you would be.

Mr. Bagley, this drop in the
stock market is only temporary.

There's a huge sell-off,
along with profit-taking,

not to mention the
secretary's speech.

Oh, the market is
sure to turn around

and go up in a few days.

You're sure of that?

The secretary said
so in his speech.

Oh. Oh, here we go. Yeah.

What happened with Tide
Pool Oil Company today, dear?

Well, unfortunately,
they struck gas,

and the stock went down.

I thought, if they struck
gas, that was good.

When they hit natural gas, then
oil usually follows, and that is good.

However, your company
struck unnatural gas.

What follows that?

You don't want to know.

They've already
cleared the area.

But, to look on the bright side,

you haven't invested yet,
so you haven't lost anything.

The market is still the best
place to put your money.

Do you hear that,
Alice? Do you hear that?

And that man is a money expert.

Mr. Benjamin, how can
you sit there and say that

when he's already lost
thousands of dollars,

and I haven't even lost a penny.

That is because you
have no pennies to lose

because you spent it
all on a lot of stupid junk.

Stupid junk?

Excuse me a minute.

Mr. Bagley, I thought
you might be interested

in buying into the
Huge Tool Company.

Huge Tool Company?

Oh, yes. They're very huge.

They make all that stuff
they leave on the moon.

You call an English Tudor
mansion in England stupid junk?

Oh, Alice, you bought
that three weeks ago.

And what about that
$10,000 stupid chinchilla coat

you bought last night?

And that diamond ring
from Richard Burton?

South Colorado Mines.

I have a tip they're just
about to strike borax.

Oh, you weren't so
practical until last night.

What about that golf course
you bought in Orlando, Florida?

You got a big kick out
of buying that, didn't you?

Oh, you play golf? Well...

Don't mention it, but
Plexigrass is a new issue.

It'll replace all the
greens in the country.

And what about your racehorse?

Oats and barley?
Excellent. Always excellent.

What about the farm and
the boat and the roads?

Wait a minute.
Give it all to charity.

In fact, I give
everything to charity.

Mr. Bagley, before
you do anything rash,

you'd better talk to
Mr. Bean personally.

It's not a toll call, is it?

On second thought,

perhaps I'd better
talk to Mr. Bean myself.

Mr. Bagley, before you
and your wife decide

to do anything in
the stock market,

you must promise
to call me first.

Wait a minute.

I got a better idea.

Really?

Sell.

Right.

Oh, it's nice to be
out of the market.

Sell what? To whom?

You owe me $100,000.

Put it on my tab.

There is no tab.

I tore it up along
with the ledger.

What did you do that for?

Because the game is over.

Because... because you
really ruined the game.

Well, just because I had
a fling at the stock market?

No. It wasn't just that.

You couldn't just spend your
money and have fun with it.

You had to go make some kind

of big business deal out of it.

It'll never be the same.

Listen. I'm sorry, honey.

I mean, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know the game
meant that much to you.

Well, it did.

Oh. Well, I got a new game.

Only it's not a game.

Let's you and I take a cruise.

I told you, I don't
want to play.

Not a make-believe
cruise. A real-believe cruise.

Just you and I alone together.

You mean that?

Yeah. I got two
weeks vacation coming.

Let's take that cruise we've
always been talking about.

To Hawaii?

No. Catalina.

Of course, Hawaii.

Oh, that's wonderful.

We haven't been alone
together since our honeymoon.

But Hawaii? Can we afford that?

No, but...

if we scrimp and
save, we'll make it.

How?

We'll go last class.

Oh, I love you.

Hey, now I know why
millionaires like to merge.

Webster, you said you were going

to give me a tennis lesson.

I am. Haven't you ever
heard of a love match?

What's the matter?

Clam dip.

Ally Cooper?

Yeah.

Birthday greetings.

The party was last night.

On the other hand, what's
wrong with another party?

I may hate myself
for this later,

but are you sure you've
got the right Ally Cooper?

Are you not Ally Cooper,

son of the king of Allah Salam,
Azurae, the shah of Euphrates?

Son of who?

Dad!

Oh, no, no, no.

But it is from your father
that I bring you salutations,

and a gift on
your 25th birthday.

Where's the gift?

We are the gift.

And we're here to serve
you as long as you live.

Ally, what's going on?

Who is this Shah
of Salami, Azurae?

My father.

Your father's a king?

You never told me that.

So? You never told me
what your father did either.

My father is a teamster.

There's a lot of difference
between a teamster and a king,

unless you're head of the union.

Birthday happiness
to you, master.

Duke, I've got to get
rid of these people.

What am I going to do?

What are you worried about?

You don't throw people
out with figures like that.

But they just can't stay here.

Aww, well, don't do anything

until they finish
cleaning up at least.

Thanks a lot, man.

Master, master!

The arbor is finished.

We're ready to begin.

It is the custom of the land.

You must walk beneath the
arbor while I blow on the ram's horn.

Just a minute.

If I do that, aren't I
married to those girls?

Right. Wrong.

I don't want to get married to
them; we're not even engaged.

First, you must get married,
then you can get engaged.

It's your father's orders.

Come on, you just don't
seem to understand.

We don't do this sort of
thing in the United States,

not even in California, not
even with my father's orders.

Wait a minute.

Ally. What?

Wait a minute.

If your father is a king,
that makes you a prince,

which makes it legal.

You can have two wives.

It may be legal in Euphrates,
but it's not legal here.

And even if it
were, I've got Pam.

Listen, two birds in the arbor

is better than one on
the other side of town.

But you don't understand.

I'm engaged to be
married to Pamela.

You always said you
wanted a big family.

I meant children, not wives.

Pam's coming for dinner tonight.

I don't, I don't think
she'll understand.

So break the date, dummy.

What about, what about
tomorrow and the rest of my life?

Well, look at the bright side.

What's that?

If I have to tell
you, forget it.

There's got to be a way out.

I mean, I'm just not ready

to settle down with
more than one wife.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.

Yes, I do. What?

What any red-blooded American
boy does when he's in trouble.

Hello, Mother.

Ally!

Oh. Hold on a moment, dear.

I'll put you on hold and
put you up in the bedroom.

I'll be back in a minute, girls.

Ally, are you there?

How sweet of you to
call me on your birthday.

Darling, we're having
a lovely party here.

Why don't you come over?

Come over?

You're in New York;
I'm in Los Angeles.

Of course I've
heard of airplanes.

But, Mother, I-I have a problem.

Wonderful. Bring her along.

You don't understand.

I need your help.

Oh, my baby's getting married.

Like father, like son.

No, I meant your
father and his father.

Mother, what are
you talking about?

Well, I guess I'd better
begin at the beginning.

Please, mother, not
the old show biz stories.

You see, dear, on your
father's 25th birthday,

his father sent him two wives,

and he liked it so well

that he decided to
keep up the tradition.

You mean it's hereditary?

Yes, it's hereditary

and extremely annoying
for the original wife.

That's really why I left him.

That and the fact

that he promised to support
me for the rest of my days.

What about my problem?

Our problem, darling.

You send those girls back,
and it'll offend your father.

And he'll cut me off
without a single dinar

and he'll cut them
off at the neck.

He wouldn't kill them, Mother.

You're putting me on.

No, really, darling,

if he thinks those girls
haven't pleased you,

zap, it'll be the big
harem in the sky.

What should you do?

Well, whatever you
do, don't lose your cool.

Enjoy yourself, boobie.

It's your birthday.

Master! Master!

Omar, what is
this? A revolution?

No, master, it's the infidel.

You mean, uh, Duke?

As soon as you went in there,
he began staring at your wives.

So you pulled that just
because he was staring?

But Master, there's no telling

what he might have done
if I hadn't stopped him.

You stopped him?
Wh-What did you do?

Nothing.

The coward locked
himself in your bedroom.

Omar, if he's locked
in the bedroom,

how can he stare at the girls?

Now, just go in the
kitchen and... and whittle.

Stay away from me!

It's me, Ally.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Uh, uh...

I'm, I'm going to escape.

Well, I have to get
to work somehow.

Since when are you in
such a hurry to get to work?

Since your friend tried
to remove my appendix,

and my tonsils
with one incision.

Wait. I've already
talked with Omar.

I'm sure he won't go near you
if you won't go near the girls.

Is that the best you can get me?

Duke, I gotta get rid of them.

Well, I don't know about Omar,

but getting rid of the
girls shouldn't be too hard.

What do you mean?

Well, if you have a girlfriend,
and you don't want a girlfriend,

what do you do?

I change my phone number.

No, no, you do
something to offend them.

How do you offend a slave?

Listen, they're women
first and slaves second.

You can tell that just
by looking at them.

You really think I could
make them jealous?

Well, they're women.

Yeah.

Another girl.

They could see me
hugging her and kissing her

and whispering sweet
nothings in her ear.

It might work.

And if that doesn't make
Omar fold up his wedding arbor

and steal silently into
the night, nothing will.

If it doesn't work,
it'll be fun trying.

All I need is somebody
to hug and kiss.

Pam.

Hi.

Pamela, darling.

Ally, there's
people watching us.

Yeah, and they're smiling.

Uh, Pamela, I want
you to meet someone.

This is my uncle Omar

and my two cousins
Maya and Dina.

They're visiting
from the old country.

Oh, well, I'm so
pleased to meet you.

Uncle Omar is
cooking for us tonight.

Oh, good. Almost ready, Unc?

Well, master... ALLY: Mister.

Mister.

Mister. He still gets confused
with some of the words.

Dinner will be a while.

Good. Then we can dance.

Dance?

Yes. I'll just turn
the music on.

And we're dancing.

It's kind of impolite
for us to be dancing

when your cousins
are just standing there.

They do things differently
in the old country.

Maybe so, but girls are girls.

You should ask
them to dance first.

But Pam...

Ally, they're your guests.

All right.

Maya, Dina,

would you like to dance?

See, I told you they do things
differently in the old country.

I guess you're right.

Looks like they cook
differently in the old country, too.

I like it well done, but I
doubt if it will serve five.

Perhaps there is a difference

between cooking in a
stove and over an open pit.

Oh, that's okay, Uncle Omar.

Say, I know what we'll do.

I'll call the delicatessen
and order some things,

and you can run
down and get them.

We'll have a picnic
in the front room.

Would you like that, Uncle Omar?

Good. The girls and I will fix
up here while you run down.

Great. Be back in ten minutes.

Come on, girls.
Let's set the table.

Wait a minute... Her
here with the girls...

Uncle Omar.

Oh, listen very carefully.

While I'm gone,

I do not want you to tell
Pamela that my father is a king,

that I'm a prince,

that you're my slave,

and, uh, that those two girls
are supposed to be my wives.

Understand? PAMELA: Ally?

I was just... You'd
better get going.

I was just leaving. Oh.

Uh, Pamela, if anything
should happen while I'm gone,

I-I just want you to know I
think you're a wonderful girl.

Ally, are you going to the
delicatessen or overseas?

Got it.

Not yet you haven't.

Thanks, big mouth.

But master, I said nothing.

It was Maya and Dina.

What is it?

Oh, master, please forgive us.

We meant you no harm.

It's just that we
were so excited

that your third wife

was going to... Third wife?

Who said she was
going to be my third wife?

Well, the way you were
holding her and dancing...

Wait a minute.

There's not going to be a
third wife or a second wife.

And if things keep
going the way they are,

there won't even
be a first wife!

As a matter of
fact, I'm moving out.

But master, what about us?

You can stay here
as long as you like.

I'm not going to send
you back to Euphrates.

No fate worse than death,

I don't want that
on my conscience.

You can stay as
long as you like,

but I've got my
own life to live,

And it does not include
two wives or an Uncle Omar.

Maya, Dina, I think the
time has come for the tuflik.

Hey, Ally. Duke.

Omar and the girls
are in the kitchen crying.

What's going on?

Where's Pam?

Pam didn't want to be
the third Mrs. Cooper,

so she hit me with
a salami and left.

Ooh, I hope it
wasn't the hard kind.

Here's your suitcase. Let's go.

Go where? Anywhere.

We can come back later.

Right now I just
want to get out.

Well, okay.

You go, I'll stay.

Oh, somebody has to
take care of those poor girls.

What's that?

I don't know, but it doesn't
sound like they're crying.

What is this, a harem hoedown?

No, master, the tuflik.

Well, that's probably the
neighbors complaining.

Oh, Ally, I'm sorry.

I mean, you should have told me

about your father, and
well, the whole situation.

I would have understood.

But when you found out,
you hit me with a salami.

Oh, I was just impulsive.

Listen, you're really not
going to marry them, are you?

Of course not.

Good.

Then why are they still here?

They're having a tuflik.

Hi, Pam. What's a tuflik?

Well, Omar says
it's sort of a last fling,

a little final fun
before they go home.

If they go home.
Yeah, they know.

That's why they're
having a little final fun.

Yeah, the sooner the better.

Pam, you don't know
what you're saying.

If they go home, they're
going to get their heads cut off.

You're kidding me.

No, no, he's not.

If his dad thinks
they didn't please him,

he'll cut off their heads.

He's the king, you know.

Really? It's true.

Well, so, what if
they lose their heads?

With bodies like those,
who's going to notice?

Well, if that's true, you
just can't let them go home.

What do you suggest?

We'll talk to them.

All right, talk to
them. Talk to them.

Look, uh...

could you hold it
down for just a minute?

Yes, master.

Uh, I don't understand.

Why... why must you go home

when you can stay
here in town at a hotel?

If we stay, master,
we'll displease you.

You-you won't displease me
if I'm not here, so stay here.

Sire, we exist only
to make you happy.

If we have failed, then
we deserve our fate.

But I... I'm, I'm not unhappy.

If you were happy with
us, then you'd be married.

Come, girls.

On with the tuflik.

What'll I do?

Look happy.

Look, girls, do I look
like an unhappy man?

I'm smiling, see?

Look.

I'm dancing.

Would I be dancing
if I weren't happy?

Happy, happy.

Not that happy.

But master, you said...

I-I said I was happy.

I-I didn't say I was
getting married.

Come, girls, on with the tuflik.

I-I don't know what to do.

I do.

You're going to have
to marry them, Ally.

You're both crazy.

Pam, I'm going to marry you.

At their expense?

You'll have lilies
at the wedding.

Don't bow. I'm your father.

You bow. I'm your king.

Dad.

Just cool it, baby. Cool it.

Now you may be Andy
Hardy, but I'm not Judge Hardy.

We do things differently
where I come from.

Where you should have stayed.

Do you realize I
have 75 more at home

just like you that I don't
know what to do with, either?

Wow.

I do the talking.

Your mother called me.

Collect.

She told me I was
messing up your life.

Well, I couldn't
believe my ears.

So, I hopped on my jet
and came to see for myself.

And what do I see?

I see those groovy
chicks doing the tuflik.

You three, outside.

Now wait a minute.

You don't touch
the king, your father.

I like those three people.

Well, the short one is not bad.

You can relax, son.

No harm will come to them
because of your immaturity.

You know, I never should
have let you go with your mother.

If I had raised you...

Oh, well...

you want this skinny
American, huh?

Fine, go ahead.

But you'll learn, believe me.

Can you take care of him?

It looks like he needs help.

Well...

And you, out.

Out. Leave these two alone.

So long, King.

Come to think of it, I had a son
with a problem like yours once.

Oh, no, no, no.

He didn't even want one girl.

Well...

good-bye.

Good-bye, Your Highness, Dad.

You'll come around, believe me.

I'll tell you what.

When you're 30, I'll
send you a couple more.

Ally, what are we going to do?

Get married.

And in five years, he's
going to send you two more?

I'll simply return
them unwrapped.

Oh, no!

Sylvia, Sylvia, I work so hard.

I'm like a slave
at my own house.

♪ ♪