All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E22 Love and the Other Guy, Love and Grandma

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

two separate views
of love, American style:

fun and games in
a retirement village,

and our first story
about a guy, his girl,

and the man in her spare
bedroom, which we call:

♪ Hey, I live to be out
with my baby at the night ♪

♪ When the music seems to
play around... ♪ Eddie, Eddie.

Will you stop? You'll
wake up the whole building.

Well, they should be up.
It's only 1:00 in the morning.

You're out of your head.

Yeah, I'm also
a great date, too.

Had a good time, didn't you?

I spent enough dough.

Dinner at the Candlelight Roof,

off-Broadway
show, that's big stuff.

Loved the Roof, hated the show.

Why, what was wrong with it?

Well, what's the point of
doing Hamlet in the nude?

Well, plenty.

It brings out new depth
in the meaning of the play.

It emphasizes Hamlet's moral
dilemma and Ophelia's body.

That's the point. Yeah.

Eddie, it has been a
marvelous evening.

Yeah. Thanks.

Good night.

How about a cup of coffee?

All right.

If you promise to
behave, it's late.

Oh, Gloria, you know me.

I know, I should
get it in writing.

Boy, Gloria, you sure have

a suspicious mind.

I would have it looked
into if I were you.

Eddie, what
happened to the lights?

Where are you?

Here I am, honey.

Right over here.

Eddie Claypool, you put
those lights right back on.

Well, I was only
thinking about you.

After all, I know
what a struggle it is

for a working girl to
pay the electric bill.

I'd rather struggle
with the electric bill

than struggle with you.

Okay, okay, okay.

I was only trying to create

some atmosphere for the coffee.

Atmosphere I like.

It's blackouts that worry me.

Gloria, sometimes I think

you're the coldest
fish in Manhattan.

You know that's not true, Eddie.

But I do wish you'd
stop trying to rush things.

I'm an old-fashioned
girl from Tennessee.

I love old-fashioned
girls from Tennessee.

Especially one.

Really? Really.

Well, I guess there's no sense

in wasting
electricity after all.

Welcome to the big city.

Oh, no.

Who could that be?

Oh, it's probably Bill
Franklin from upstairs.

That's what I hate
about this building.

Everybody is so friendly.

Any time they want
to, they drop in.

I like it.

It's sort of like Tennessee.
If you want to know

the truth, it's more
like the post office.

Hi, Gloria.

Hi, Bill.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Oh, of course not.

Sit down.

Hi, it's Eddie, isn't it?

Would you like some coffee?

Yeah, great.

Have mine, haven't touched it.

Cream and sugar.
No, no, no, thanks.

Mmm, man, that's coffee.

Eddie, if I could find a girl

who could make coffee like this,

I wouldn't let her go. Bill.

I'm just trying to
get you married off

before I'm tempted
to take the fatal step.

Another cup of
coffee might do it.

Look how late it's getting.

Oh, that's too bad, I was hoping

we could get a chance to
talk, but if you've got to go.

I don't have to go.

Great.

Say, did you have
a pleasant evening?

Don't ask.

Yeah, don't ask.

But since you have asked.

Does red hair,

green eyes, 34-25-34

sound like a pleasant evening?

It does for you.

Laverne, isn't it?

No, no, Laverne was last week.

This is Karen.

Karen?

When did Karen enter your life?

This afternoon,
in a phone booth.

In a phone booth?

Well, she couldn't
get her dime back.

I stepped in to help,
the door got stuck...

You want to hear the rest?

No, we don't want
to hear the rest.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

You two want to be alone.

Huh? Well, I'll just
toddle off to bed then.

Good night, Eddie.
Good night, Gloria.

Good night. Good night, Bill.

Where's he going?

To the spare room.

You mean he's going
to spend the night here?

Yes. Oh, didn't I tell you?

His apartment's being painted.

I don't care if it's
been burned out.

He's not sleeping here tonight.

Quiet, Eddie, he'll hear you.

He better hear me
or he'll hear this.

Eddie, I'm surprised at you.

Oh...

You're surprised at me?

A strange man is going to
spend the night alone with you

in your apartment, and
you're surprised at me?

Bill isn't a strange man.

He's an old friend, and besides,

you know there's nothing
going on between us.

As far as I'm concerned,

there's something
going on with that guy

and every single
girl in New York City.

The way I look at it,
he's a one man love-in.

Oh, Bill just likes
to exaggerate.

Exaggerate?

Gloria, any man picks
up a girl in a phone booth

is a pretty slick customer.

He doesn't even use the
telephone, just the booth.

You can't allow a man like that

to stay overnight
in your apartment.

Well, he isn't interested
in me in that way.

Besides, he's
sleeping in that room,

and I'm sleeping in my room,

and it's all very much

aboveboard and respectable.

It's about as respectable

as sending a rooster
to guard a henhouse.

Eddie, you are absolutely...

Don't let me interrupt
you lovebirds.

My group had ten
percent fewer cavities.

But then, we have
ten percent fewer teeth.

Funny, funny.

Don't be rude.

Did you get a load
of those pajamas?

What about them?

Baby, you don't sleep
in pajamas like that.

He's better dressed
now than he was

when he came home from his date.

So he likes flashy pajamas.

And you know what
they're flashing?

Sex, sex, sex.

Eddie, you have
got a one-track mind.

I've got a one-track mind?

Oh, yeah, well...

after all the action
I've had tonight.

You must admit it's been
a big, big evening for me.

You've seen Hamlet in the
nude, Bill Franklin in his pajamas

and I haven't even
had my coat off.

Will you stop
carrying on like this?

Nightie-night.

Night, Bill.

I made a boo-boo.

You see, uh, upstairs

I have the same apartment.

So upstairs, that's my
bedroom and not Gloria's.

And of course, down here,

that's Gloria's
bedroom and not mine.

It was just a...

just an automatic reflex.

Good night.

Satisfied?

What do you mean?

It was his subconscious
that gave him away.

He did exactly what

was on his mind
without meaning to.

Claypool that is the
most ridiculous analysis

I have ever heard.

It was a completely
honest mistake.

And if I were you, I
wouldn't worry so much

about everybody
else's subconscious,

because from where I sit,

your subconscious
should have its mouth

washed out with soap.

Ha-ha.

Funny, but I'm
not going to let you

joke your way out of this.

Gloria Gilcrest, this is
sordid and you know it.

Sordid? Yes.

We don't know
one girl, one girl,

that would allow a single,
casually acquainted male

stay over in her apartment.

Eddie, there isn't
one girl that wouldn't,

and it would be
perfectly respectable.

Your morals are prehistoric.

Oh, yeah?

Okay. I'm going
to call your bluff.

You're what? Yeah.

We're going to see how
willing some other girl is

to share her apartment
with a strange man

for the night.

Yeah. How about Joyce Becker?

Are you going to call Joyce now?

Why not? She's a night owl.

She'll still be up.

All right, Joyce Becker.

And you claim
that she'll allow me

to stay in her
apartment overnight

like you're letting
lover boy here?

Yes. Okay, baby.

You're in for some shock, honey.

You better hold onto something

'cause you're going
to fall flat on your face.

You asked for it.

Joyce, Eddie Claypool.

Fine, fine.

No, no, not too busy.

Uh, listen, Joyce, uh...

I'm sorry I had to call
you at this hour but...

the fact is I have a problem.

I've been locked out.

Yeah, my apartment.

Seems like I lost
the keys somewhere

and the superintendent
doesn't live in the building.

Yeah, it's really a drag.

Oh, I was wondering, Joyce, uh,

since I have no place
to sleep tonight, uh,

do you think I could
stay at your place tonight?

I can?

You don't mind?

What about your boyfriend, Hank?

He'll mind, won't he?

It's okay with him.

Well, thank you, Joyce.

Yeah.

Well, listen, maybe
I'll find the keys.

If I don't, your key will
be under the doormat.

Yeah, well, uh, thanks again.

Joyce Becker.

What did I tell you?

I could never get
a date with her.

She was always going
steady with someone.

Never occurred to me to call her

and ask her if I
could spend the night.

Not everybody in the world

is as suspicious as you are.

If Joyce Becker would
let me spend the night,

then Linda Crabtree will
let me spend the night.

Then there's Sandra Burton,

Barbara Newhope.

Oh, what are you doing?

You know, if a fella
played this thing right,

he wouldn't even have
to have an apartment.

He could just have a
locker at the bus terminal.

But you do have an apartment

and you haven't lost your key,

and it's not being painted.

There's something
else you forgot.

What's that?

I got a girl I like pretty much.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Can you forgive me for making

such a fool of myself tonight?

You're forgiven.

I guess I just had
some growing up to do.

Don't we all? Yeah.

Well,

good night, kitten.

Sleep tight.

You too, darling. Like a log.

He doesn't bother
me in the least now.

He shouldn't.

You're twice the man he is.

Even without pajamas?

Sorry about that.

Gloria.

No, Gloria.

Gloria!

Man, this is ridiculous.

I don't know what
I'm doing to myself.

I got to get some sleep.

Hey, fella, you're
one for the books.

Can't you get it
through your head

that everything is all right?

You're nothing but a suspicious,
paranoid, insecure jerk, right?

Wrong.

What?

Remember Rosemary Curtis?

Who?

Mrs. Bailey's dancing class.

Oh, yeah.

Remember you told
her you loved her?

And you bought her a
Fudgie Wudgie as a token?

Who did you see polishing off
that Fudgie Wudgie after class?

Elmer Guntzwiller.

And he couldn't even dance.

How about blonde Carol Matthews?

Carol Matthews.

Remember you went into the army

and she promised to
wait forever and ever?

And before you were
through with basic training,

she was married, settled
down and expecting.

All right, all right,
but Gloria's different.

Sure she's different.

She's got more
nerve than the others.

She brings the other guy

right into the
apartment for the night,

and convinces you
that it might as well be

the Bobbsey Twins
at Grandma's house.

You mean something's going on?

How long are you going to
be that naive, gullible chump

that women love
to make a fool of?

Of course something is going on.

A sexy chick and a swinging guy

in a pad for the night
and nothing's going on?

Boy, sometimes you're so naive

even I don't believe
it, and I'm you.

Yeah, thought they could
put one over on me, huh?

Well, I'll show her who's
the gullible, naive chump.

Yes, sir, boy.

That's it.

That's the last time anybody
makes a patsy out of me.

Boy, is she in for a surprise.

Thought she'd make a fool
out of Eddie Claypool, huh?

Well, he's wised up now.

Thought she'd make
a sucker out of me.

Well, I'll show her
who the sucker is.

I'll show him, too.

I didn't read that
karate book for nothing.

Him and his fancy pajamas!

Hey, turn that music down!

It's 3:00. I better take
another sleeping pill.

♪ ♪

Coming.

Who is it?

Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie?

Okay, baby, okay,
baby, the jig is up.

What jig?

If you and Bill Franklin want
to play around behind my back,

it's okay with me.
This is a free country.

But I just want you to know

that I know about it.

Oh, Eddie, you were so sensible
when you left here this evening.

I thought you were
all over this nonsense.

What happened?

I had a long talk with myself

in the mirror, that's
what happened.

You talked with
yourself in the mirror?

Yeah, and that guy in
the mirror told me plenty.

Oh, he did, huh? Yes, he did.

Well, did he also tell you

that you're the biggest
nut this side of the Rockies?

And that if I wanted to start
something with Bill Franklin,

I wouldn't bring him
in right in front of you?

That I would at least
wait until you went home?

And I would probably go
upstairs to his apartment

instead of down here so
that there'd be less chance

of being found out?

No.

And on top of that,

didn't he tell you

that I didn't want anything
to do with Bill Franklin?

You don't?

You mean you're not, uh...

No!

And he isn't...?

No, but don't
take my word for it!

I want you to see for yourself.

It's all right, Gloria.

I just lost control of myself.

But I insist.

Please, Gloria, I believe you.

Oh, I wouldn't hear of you.

I want you convinced
once and for all

that there's nothing going on

and then we'll all be
able to get some sleep.

All right?

All right.

Are you satisfied?

I didn't see anything.

Exactly.

Now if you'll just go home...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You wouldn't let
me see anything.

What do you mean I
wouldn't let you see?

I think there's something
going on in that bedroom.

And I'm going to
find out what it is.

But, Eddie, I can explain.

There's nobody here.

Well, there isn't?

I mean, of course there isn't.

That's what I wanted to explain.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you don't have
to say anything, Eddie.

I never acted like this
with anyone before.

You haven't?

I never felt this way.

You know something?

I think I'm in love with you.

Oh, Eddie.

What are you doing
tomorrow night?

Well, I have something
on, but I'll break it.

Break it. Okay.

I'll pick you up for dinner.

I'll pick you up for cocktails,
then we'll have dinner.

All right.

What are you doing
for lunch? Lunch?

Yeah, we'll have lunch,
cocktails and dinner.

Anything you say, Eddie.

Oh, I'm so glad I came
back here this evening.

So am I.

You know something?

I should kind of talk to
myself more often, huh?

Well, you get in bed,
because I want you to be

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
for breakfast in the morning.

Breakfast? Yeah.

I don't know what my
horoscope was for today,

but whatever it was, I'm
going to have it framed.

Good night.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll just let myself out.

So you see, there
was nothing to it at all.

Not at all.

I simply made the
same mistake again

and all we were doing
was sleeping together.

And when he says we
were sleeping together,

he doesn't mean we
were sleeping together.

Good heavens, no.

He means we were
just... sleeping together.

Gloria, I know what he means.

I'm not a child.

Friends?

Good boy.

You've got a real prince here.

Well, I tell you, I
better get to bed

or I won't even be
up for night court.

Night, Gloria. Night, Bill.

You really do
believe us, don't you?

Of course I believe you.

Nothing's changed between us?

Nothing's changed.

I'm glad. Because a
relationship like ours,

without complete trust
wouldn't be worth a...

Oh, honey, I trust
you, I do trust you.

Oh, good.

Now you go home
and get some sleep, too.

Yeah.

I'm finally going
to get some sleep.

He's right, I do have a prince.

Good night, darling.

Good night, babe.

You do trust me.

Of course I trust you.

♪ ♪

Now I trust you.

Lamar, you have to get over

this terrible
inferiority complex.

You are not that bad.

Peggy, it's true.

I'm just no good.

Oh...

I had to marry a scoutmaster.

Ruthie!

Granny.

Oh, how wonderful to see you.

How's Mother and Daddy?

Oh, they're fine.

Gosh, it's good to see you. Oh.

How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm just wonderful.

Come on in.

Let me look at you.

Oh, I love that dress.

Thank you.

I wish I could wear
them that short,

but my legs are too lumpy.

That's what you get for

standing on your
feet for 70 years.

You know, I've
been wanting to come

and see you for
such a long time.

Today I just said, "This is it,"

and I got in my
car and drove out.

Oh, I'm so glad you did.

Oh. You've got a great
looking place here, really.

Wow.

Are you getting along all right?

Do you have friends?

Are there things to do here?

Why, my, yes, I'm fine.

You don't need
to worry about me.

Well, good. As long
as you're not lonely.

Oh, no.

Actually, it's fun.

We have lots of fun here.

You know what we call it?

What? The campus.

Really?

'Course,

some people call
it the boneyard,

but there's always a
sourpuss in every crowd.

Who are you talking
to in there, dear?

Why, uh, it's my
granddaughter, Ruth.

Are you thirsty, dear?

Wouldn't you like a drink?

You must be thirsty

after that long ride out here.

Okay, just a soft drink.

Oh, well, I can give
you some mix, straight.

Well, that'll be fine.

Granny, who is that in there?

Why, that's John.

John?

My husband.

Your husband?

Oh, Granny, how groovy!

You're married.

Yes. Didn't you know?

No.

Why, I wrote Ella.

Well, I'm sure I did.

Maybe I didn't.

I don't know.

But when?

What?

When did you get married?

Oh, about six weeks ago.

Uh, we went to Vegas.

Well, hello there.

So this is Ruth.

Hi, Ruth. I'm
delighted to meet you.

I'm John Carlson.

Well, I'm pleased to
meet you, but my heavens,

I didn't know a
thing about this.

Well, I mean, congratulations.

Congratulations?

Uh, uh, Ruth didn't know
we were married, dear.

Oh, so you didn't know, huh?

Well, I see. Well...

No, I didn't know
a thing about it.

And I still don't understand
why you didn't let us know.

Well, we meant to,
but you know how it is.

Time just seems to float
by here on the campus.

We didn't want to
make a big to-do

about it.

But, Granny, getting married?

I'll get it.

Gee, Granny, what
a great-looking guy.

He is, isn't he?

He's a little younger than
me, but he's very mature.

Hello?

Oh, well, we have an
unexpected guest here.

And could you hold
on just a minute?

It's George. You know,

the starter at the
miniature golf course.

He wants to know
if we're going to play

our match.

Oh, no!

Ruth's here.

Tell him we default.

We're in the finals at the
tournament, but so what?

Oh, no. Now, look,

if you're in the finals,
why don't you play?

I mean, how long will it take?

Well, it shouldn't
take us more than, uh,

20 minutes to polish him off,

but we'd rather spend
the time with you.

Oh, we'd much rather spend
the time with you, Ruthie.

Oh, no.

Now, you two play, I insist.

Well, if you insist.

We've been trying to get a match

with these pigeons
for two weeks.

We've got a side
bet of 75 cents.

We'll be right there, George.

If we're going, let's go.

Well, now, Ruth,
you-you just wait here.

It won't take us long, honest.

Just relax.

You better be hot, baby.

We'll be right back, Ruthie.

And if you get hungry,
look in the refrigerator.

We've got plenty
of tapioca in there.

Don't worry about me.

You two take your
time and have fun.

I'll be here.

She seems very happy.

He's such a nice man.

John.

Oh, no, no, he's
very bright and alert.

Sure, I'll tell him.

I know.

I was pretty shocked myself.

No, no, I think
I'll stay overnight

and drive home in the morning.

Oh, listen, Mom,

there's somebody
at the door, though.

I got to go.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Oh, hello. Hi.

Where are the folks?

Oh, they're over at the
miniature golf course.

And who are you?

I'm Ruth, Terry's granddaughter.

Oh, Ruth. You just graduated
from Bennington, right?

Right. How did you know?

Well, she talks
about you all the time.

You're a great-looking chick.

I mean, she said
you were pretty,

but, uh, well, sometimes
what's pretty to them...

I know. Who are you?

I'm Oliver Kingman,
the manager here.

I've got their Social
Security checks.

Oh, well, come on in. Thanks.

Well, how's old Bennington?

Oh, fine, I guess.

Have you ever been up there?

Sure, I went to Williams.

You did? Yeah.

Tell me, do they still have

those great bashes at
Ernie's on Friday nights?

Well, things have changed
pretty much since you were around.

It's not so much groups anymore.

People pair off now.

It's more serious.

And are you paired
off and more serious?

Well, not at the moment.

Well, do you like working here?

Yes, very much.

I get a real charge
out of these people.

They call me the dean.

Oh, of the campus.

Yeah, right.

Did Terry tell you about that?

Uh-huh. Now listen, they're
a great bunch of people

and they think I'm great
because I know what's going on.

I've got all the gossip.

I don't suppose there's too
much to gossip about around here.

I don't know, you
might be surprised.

I hate to leave, but I've got
some more checks to deliver.

Let's see, his...

and hers.

See ya. Okay.

Oh, I see the government
hasn't changed the name yet.

What?

Well, it's still made
out to Theresa Grant

instead of Mrs. John Carlson.

Oh.

Well, you did know they
were married, didn't you?

Well, actually, I...

When did they get married?

About six weeks ago.

I thought you said

you knew everything
that went on around here.

Yes, well, they must have
been married on a Wednesday.

You see, I'm off on Wednesdays.

You know, you don't
sound very happy for them.

Oh, of course I am.

Tell them
congratulations for me.

Well, tell me, didn't
they have a party

or a celebration or anything?

A party?

Let's see, uh...

Come to think of it,

there was something
about six weeks ago.

It was a lot of noise.

They stayed up until about 8:30.

That must have been it.

Well, it's been real
nice meeting you.

No, wait a minute.

I don't understand this.

You're the dean and you're
supposed to look after these people.

How come you didn't
know they were married?

I don't know. Maybe
I knew it and forgot.

I mean, after all, what
difference does it make

if they're married

or they're not married?

What difference does it make?

Are you kidding? It makes
a lot of difference to me.

It does?

Well, of course it does.

If they weren't
married, I'd feel awful.

Why?

What do you mean why?

What if it was your grandmother?

I wish it was my grandmother.

Why?

She's living with her daughter.

Listen, are they married or not?

You want me to level with you?

Of course. They're not married.

But why are they doing this?

For $50.

$50?

Sure.

Look, they get $150
apiece from the government

if they're single.

That's $300 total.

But if they're married,
they only get about $250.

They lose $50.

That's why they're not married.

Are you trying to tell me
that my grandmother...

For $50... right.

A month.

Well, excuse me, would you?

I've got a headache.

Oh, really?

Well, listen, I've got all
kinds of pills in my office.

Oh, no. No, thank you.

I'd rather be alone.

Oh, sure.

Are you going to
be around later?

Maybe we could have dinner.

Oh, I don't know
right now. I'll see.

Okay. Good-bye, Ruth.

Good-bye.

Here come the champs!

We won, Ruthie!

We won!

That's nice, Granny, I'm glad.

Oh, you should have been there.

We were down two
going in to the turn,

and then we made our move.

Oh, Agnes really choked up
on that windmill play, didn't she?

Her hand shook just like that.

Oh, that was
because of her palsy.

Oh, palsy my foot.
It was the pressure.

It got to her.

And then, on number 18,
old Fred was so nervous,

he was puffing
like a steam engine.

That was his asthma.

And then John had
about a 20-footer.

He was behind
the tire, you know,

and he hit it against
the cement wall,

through the coffee can,

over the waterfall
and he sunk it.

He sunk it!

Oh, what a shock.

I was so proud of you, love.

Thank you, Terry.

Well, I'm glad you won and
had such a nice time, Granny.

But I'm afraid I've
got to be going.

What? Go? Oh?

Yes.

Why, but you can't go now.

We're going to fill
this thing with beer

and have some
beans and hot dogs,

and a lot of the
neighbors are coming over.

We're going to
have a little party.

We're going to have a ball.

Well, I'm sorry,
but it's getting late

and I don't want to
drive when it's dark.

Oh, my.

We thought you were
going to stay over night.

Well, we never would have
gone to play if we'd known.

Well, then we've got plenty
of room haven't we, John?

You bet!

You see, this couch turns
into a very comfortable bed,

and you can bunk in that.

Oh, no, no, I
wouldn't think of it.

Well, we do it all the time.

Lots of times the
Johnsons come over

to play a fast game of whist
and it gets too late for Carl.

He has night
blindness, you know.

So they just sleep here.

We don't mind a bit.

No trouble at all.

Well, that's very kind of you,

but I've really got to be going.

Now, Ruthie,

I'm sure you didn't
come all the way out here

just to turn around and go back.

Now, what's the matter?

Don't you feel well?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

I just wanted to see
you and I have seen you

and everything's fine, so...

Ruthie.

I think I'm going to
get out of these duds

and into my drinking clothes.

If you ladies will excuse me.

Ruthie.

What's the matter?

We haven't done anything
to upset you, have we, dear?

Oh, no, no.

I just want to beat
the traffic, that's all.

Well, good-bye, Granny.

Oh, and your checks came.

They're on the table.

Oh, now wait a minute.

Mr. Kingman brought the checks?

Yes, he did. Well...

Uh, did you talk to him at all?

We had a little talk.

Did he say anything to
you about John and me?

No, nothing in particular.

Ruthie...

look at me.

I can always tell
when you're lying.

I remember when you
brought that little garter snake

into your room
and said you didn't.

Now come on, sit down,

tell me all about it.

You had this little
talk with Mr. Kingman

and he told you what?

Oh, Granny, look, it's
none of my business.

What you do is your business.

Now, none of that.

It is too your business.

We love each other.

Well, I guess I just
wasn't prepared.

I wish you'd told me the truth.

About John and me
not being married?

Yes.

Why are you doing it?

For $50 a month, Ruthie.

Well, that's what
Mr. Kingman said,

but I would have been happy
to give you the extra $50,

or the family would
have been glad to.

I've never taken anything
from the family yet,

and I don't intend to start now.

Maybe someday I'll have to.

But I don't have to yet.

But, Granny, what'll I tell
them when I go back home?

Well, tell them you saw me,

I look good and I'm
living with this nice man.

Oh, Granny, they
won't understand.

Well, then... tell
them I'm married.

They'll understand that.

You understood it until that
bigmouth Kingman came along.

But that's a lie.

Well, then...

tell them that I'm
living with John,

or tell them I'm married.

Whatever you think
the traffic will bear.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm all mixed up.

You know, I've always thought
of you in a very special way.

Like I remember when we
used to come and visit you

when you had that little house

out in the country
on Thanksgiving.

I was a perfect
little grandmother.

You were, Granny, you were.

And you put me on a pedestal.

Maybe.

It gets mighty cold and
lonely on a pedestal.

But it's nice and warm and
cozy in bed with a man you love.

Well, Granny, look,
you were the one

that taught me everything I
know about right and wrong.

What do you think about
what you're doing now?

I think it's right, or I
wouldn't be doing it.

Well, what if I did it?

Well, that'd be wrong, I guess.

Why?

Because you don't need
the $50 a month and we do.

Oh, I don't know.

If you want to blame anybody,
blame the government.

They're penalizing
companionship.

Well, did you convince
her to stay, Terry?

Well, I don't know.

Have I?

John, Ruth knows about us.

Oh, she does?

Well, what do you think, Ruth?

She doesn't like it.

Oh, she doesn't.

That's a shame.

Maybe we ought to have
a little gin fizz or something.

Oh, Ruthie, honey.

Excuse me, Granny, I'm sorry.

You really feel bad
about this, don't you?

I do, I can't help it.

Let me have a word with
you alone, John. Sure.

Excuse us a minute,
please, Ruth, huh?

Yes?

Oh, you must be Ruthie.

Well, come in, everybody.

Meet Terry's granddaughter.

I'm Martha Wilson. Hello.

Yes, I'm George Callis. Hi.

I'm Alice McCloud.

Grace Talley. I've heard
a lot about you. Thank you.

Fred Donahue, glad to know you.

Ruthie, Ruthie, by the way,

where's the kids?

Oh, you mean John and Terry?

Yeah.

Well, they're in the bedroom.

Well, bless their hearts.

Oh, hello everybody.

We sure are proud of you.

Thanks, thanks.

Now listen, everybody.

We have a little
announcement to make.

Now, go ahead, Terry.

Yes, well, it's just...

John and I have
decided to get married.

Oh, Granny, that's terrific.

Well, why are you
going to do that?

You'll lose 50 bucks!

Well, never mind about that.

We've decided
we're going to do it.

We're going to get married.

The kids. Yes, the children...

Oh, Granny and John,
I'm so happy for you both.

Oh, and I want to invite
all their close friends

and as many relatives
as I can round up.

We need a large table
and some folding chairs.

Think you can arrange all that?

Yeah, I can arrange it.

Oh, and can you get
the justice of the peace?

Sure.

Oh, yeah, and I better
get the flower girl,

Mabel Jackson, she's 92.

You know, I don't
dig your attitude.

You sound like you don't
want them to get married.

It doesn't thrill me much.

How about some coffee?

Well, why not?

Hey, Ruth, forgive
me for being personal,

but I got you figured
as being pretty hip.

Am I wrong?

Well, I've been around.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

Well, neither is
your grandmother.

What's wrong with
them getting married?

What's wrong?

I'll tell you.

They're playing golf
three times a week now.

If they get married,
they'll play once

or maybe not at all.

And John likes a good cigar
every once in a while, too.

And when that ice cream truck
comes around in the afternoon,

they each get a Nutty Fudge.

They're going to have to
cut down on these things, too.

Now I know that newlyweds
have to live on tight budgets...

But they won't have
to give up anything.

The family will make up the $50.

Oh, please.

Please, don't do that.

Don't start sending them money.

Why not?

Because, now they're people.

Don't turn them into dependents.

Well, maybe they will
have to give up a little.

But they'll be gaining a lot.

Like what?

Their self-respect.

When the family
comes to visit them,

they won't have to
lie and conceal things.

Ruth, your grandmother has
lived here for three months.

Do you know how many visitors
she's had from the outside?

Two,

you and the plot salesman.

Oh, well, uh...

Well, everyone's been
very busy lately, but...

I'm sure from now on,
she'll have lots of visitors.

Boloney.

These people are on their own.

They've got to
make it themselves.

And the happy ones do.

The ones that sit around
in their rocking chairs,

waiting for their children or
grandchildren to visit them,

might as well be dead.

Well, what do you want me
to do, just leave them alone?

Say, "Granny, do
whatever you want.

"Sleep with whomever you like.

Whatever you do
is okay with me"?

Well, I don't think
you have to worry

about her becoming promiscuous.

Do you think that
just because she's old,

she doesn't have to care about
what people think anymore?

If people's opinion of her

depends upon whether
she's married or not,

she's led a pretty wasted life.

Oh, look,

let's just cut out all
this fencing, all right?

I mean, are you going to help
arrange the wedding or not?

Yeah, I'm going to help.

Listen, did you talk over
these arrangements with them?

No.

Well, I suggest we
talk it over with them.

I mean, after all, it's
probably their last wedding.

You're right.

I was getting a
little carried away.

Come on, let's take a walk
over to the house, huh?

Okay.

Start on those, folks.

There's more cooking and the
beans will be hot in a minute.

I hope these hot
dogs are tender.

I'm breaking in a
new set of dentures.

Well, no beans for me.

They're bad for my arteries.

Oh, Freddie, how about
some badminton tomorrow?

No, not tomorrow.

I'm picking up a sports
car in the morning.

Have a ball, everybody.

Oh, say, say, I heard that this
week's movie was rated "X."

Good, them "G"
movies put me to sleep.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

Hi, there. Hi.

Granny, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Oh, sure.

Excuse me for a minute, folks.

Yeah, sure.

How about a couple of
nice hot dogs for you two?

Oh, no, thanks, Granny.

Listen, I've been
talking to Mr. Kingman,

and he says that he
can arrange everything.

Arrange everything
for what, dear?

For the wedding.

I thought maybe we
could have it next Sunday,

a week from tomorrow.

Oh, I know it's
short notice, but...

No, forget it Ruth.

There ain't going
to be any wedding.

What?

No, John and I talked it over.

I just can't do it to him.

He'd have to give up too much.

You mean like his
miniature golf games?

Yeah, right.

And the Nutty Fudge bars.

You know, he just lives
for that ice cream truck.

When he hears those bells play

"Tiptoe Through the
Tulips," his face just lights up.

Well, then what
are you going to do?

Well, we thought we'd split up.

I don't want to hurt him,

and I can't hurt
you either, Ruthie.

It's been fun while it's
lasted, but it's over now.

You mean you'll each
live in your own place?

No, no, I'm going to
pull out completely.

If I stayed around here, the
temptation might be too great.

First windy night, we'd
probably get together

and the whole thing
would start all over.

How about the beans, Terry?

They're all set.

John, I told them
about what we decided.

Oh, you did?

Well, I was willing
to go through with it,

but she wouldn't do it.

What will you do now,
Terry? Where will you go?

Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe I'd
go down to San Diego

and move in with
my sister, Doris.

Doris?

Granny, you've never been
able to get along with Doris.

You'd be miserable.

At least I'd be
leading a clean life.

Nobody would have
to be ashamed of me.

Oh, no, look, you can't do that.

Oh, I feel terrible.

I feel like I'm ruining
both your lives.

Listen, Granny,
forget everything I said.

I was just being stupid.

I've got no right to...

I mean, you two dig each other,

and you're right for each other.

Look, I'm leaving.

So, please, just
forget everything I said.

The best thing I can do

is to just get out and
leave you two alone.

Oh, Ruthie, honey,
please don't go.

Oh, no, I'm going before
I do any more damage.

But I'll be back, and soon.

And don't worry, Granny,

about anything.

Ruthie.

Oh, just be happy,
Granny, that's all I want.

Good-bye, Granny.

Good-bye, John. Bye.

Best of luck to both of you.

Wait, Ruth. I'll
walk out with you.

Terry, I think he
really likes her.

Well, she's a nice looking girl.

All she needs is
to loosen up a little.

Say, we'd better get out
there and tell the folks.

They're waiting. That's right.

Yes, that's right, we better.

Listen, listen, folks,

we have a little
announcement to make.

We're not getting
married after all.

Oh, congratulations.

Ruth bought the whole story.

She always was a sucker
for one of Granny's fairy tales.

♪ ♪

Let's see...

Radishes might look good there.

Oh...

Open your mouth.

I think I'll try
some carrots there.

Your chest is ideal for onions.

She treats him just like dirt.