All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E19 Love and the Coed Dorm, Love and the Optimist, Love and the Teacher

I hear somebody coming.

And so an invoice for the
last shipment of cosmetics

will follow under
separate cover.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

A lovely teacher,
her willing pupils

and a course in sex education,

a young couple who learn

where there's
love, there's life.

And our first story

about the new morality
on college campuses,

which we call "Love
and the Coed Dorm."

P. Stark?

No, Stein, S.

I'm next door.

Ira Cook.

Glad to know you.

You just get here?

About five minutes ago.

Oh, then your roommate
hasn't shown up yet.

Oh, I guess not.

Well, I'll tell you something.

When he comes, I'll
trade you sight unseen.

Mine is a creep.

Hey, hey, what do you
think about the girls?

I mean, did you see
them all down in the lobby?

In the lobby? There
were about six of them

got off the elevator with
me right on this floor.

No! Are they going to live right
here in the same floor with us?

I guess so.

It's a coed dorm.

You know, when
it said coed dorms

in the catalog,

I didn't figure it was
going to be like this,

I mean, with them running
loose like this. Wow.

What did you think?

They'd be behind bars?

No.

But what, you know, I
thought there would be

areas for them and areas
for us, and you know,

like house mothers and
regulations and maybe armed guards.

You've got to be kidding.

You're living in the past.

This is the new morality, man.

The sexual revolution.
Where have you been?

In high school.

We only read about stuff
like this in magazines.

You know, we're lucky
to be living in this age.

Our fathers and grandfathers
never had it like this.

And they're plenty
sore about it, too.

Don't kid yourself.

They don't
understand it too well.

You know, my mother
drove me over here,

and she was really upset
seeing all these girls.

Boy, I finally got
her cooled down.

She was okay by
the time she left.

Hello.

Hi, Mother.

Where you calling from?

The gas station?

Something wrong with the car?

Are you still
worried about that?

See you later.

Mother, that just means
they're in the same building.

There's doors and
walls between us.

I'm used to seeing girls.

I've seen them since I was born.

Mom, they do not
make me go berserk.

Ma, look, I have my own
room, and they have theirs.

I'll probably hardly
ever see them.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi. Who are you?

Pat Stark.

P. Stark?

You're my roommate?

I guess so.

Ma, I've got to hang up now.

My roommate just came in.

I'll call you back in
five minutes, okay?

Well, have them check the oil and
water and let them look under the hood.

I'll talk to you in five
minutes, all right?

Bye.

P. Stark?

Stein, S.?

I didn't know this is what
they meant by coed dorms.

To tell you the
truth, neither did I.

You sure there
isn't some mistake?

No. See, here's my IBM card.

That's, that's
right, you're in here.

I-I guess this is what

they mean by coed dorms.

Yeah, well...

Well, uh, if this
is the way it is,

I suppose that
this is the way it is.

Right.

We're roommates.

Right.

Oh, you want to unpack?

Put-put your stuff on
this bed if you want.

I'll move my stuff off.

No, there's plenty
of room; that's okay.

Here, let me help you
with this. No, I can do it.

I-I got it.

You want me to get out
while you put your stuff away?

No, not necessarily. Why?

I don't know, I just thought

you might like the
privacy or something.

Listen, I don't think you
ought to get hung up on the fact

that you're a
guy, and I'm a girl,

I mean, if we're
going to live together.

Yeah, yeah, that's
right. You're right.

Oh, I put my stuff
in that drawer,

but you can use it if you want.

No, no, you were here first.

Well, I... I know I
was here first, but, uh,

I-I thought you were
going to be another...

Listen, you're going
to have to get over that.

Yeah, I... I guess so.

You're a person
and I'm a person.

Yeah, th-that's right.

I just thought, uh... I just thought
you were going to be a... a guy person.

Well, if the school
doesn't figure

there's any difference,
then we shouldn't neither.

Yeah, that's... th-that's right.

Lookit, as far as I'm
concerned, there's no difference.

You're a person and
I'm a person, and that's...

No-no difference at all.

Hello.

Yes, this is 238.

Yes, he is. Just a second.

For you.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Ma.

No, there isn't a
girl in my room.

I mean, yeah, there's
a girl in my room,

but she just came in
to answer the phone.

Mother, you can't come back
here at this hour of the night.

It was the maid.

They do, too, have
maids at 10:00 at night.

Well, it's the first
night of school,

and they want to be extra clean.

Mother, what are
you so upset about?

How can I transfer
to West Point?

You just have a
suspicious mind, that's all.

All right, call me back later.

Yeah, fine.

Bye.

She, uh, she thinks I
have a girl in my room.

Well, you have.

Well, yeah, I know, but
not the way she thinks.

I mean, you're a roommate.

You're just a person. Uh-huh.

Hey, listen, if you don't
mind, I'm awfully tired.

And as soon as I unpack,
I'd like to get right to bed.

Oh, sure, that's fine.

We'll unpack and
go right to bed.

I mean, we won't go to bed.

I mean, yeah, we'll go to bed,

but sleep bed.

I know what you mean, Stanley.

Thanks.

Hi, sorry to bother you.

Do you have any tissues?

No, I don't.

Say, Ira, do you mind?

I was just going to bed.

I'll talk to you tomorrow
morning, okay?

Wh-What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

My roommate's
here, in the bathroom.

So what?

I mean, has he got two
heads or something?

I'd like to meet him.

This isn't exactly the
right time to meet him.

Why not?

The bathroom is
all yours, Stanley.

Oh.

Uh...

Ira, this is Pat
Stark, my roommate.

Glad to meet you.

Say, my offer still goes if
you want to switch roomies.

On second thought,

you might like Duncan;

he's not such a
bad guy after all.

Go on, will you?

Ira? Come on.

Get out of here.

He has a guy for a roommate.

Some guys have guys.

Some girls have girls.

Yeah.

And some girls have guys.

It's all mixed up.

We're just persons.

You know, I think it's nice.

I mean, it's so right.

It just doesn't
make any difference.

Yeah.

Well, should we hit the sack?

All right, I'll take the top.

Absolutely not.

I'll take the top, you
take the bottom, I insist.

No, Stanley. If you take the
top bunk and I take the bottom,

you're treating me like a girl.

Well, if I take the bottom,
you're treating me like a girl.

That's even worse.

Okay, so how do we decide?

Well, we could flip.

Or, uh...

What's the matter?

I was just...

just had a funny thought.

Tell me.

Well, I was thinking, uh,
we could wrestle for it.

No.

No.

No, there's only one way to
decide this... we'll flip for it.

You pick. Heads or tails?

Tails.

Tails it is.

Your choice.

I'll take the top bunk.

Okay.

Good night, Stark.

Good night, Stein.

You know, I just
had a funny thought.

What's that?

Well, I don't know,

but I was just
wondering if... well,

if they have a
reason for doing this.

I mean, throwing
a guy in with a girl.

You don't think they
expect us to, um...

Oh, no.

I don't think so. Do you?

No, not really.

But I just wondered
what they had in mind.

Well, I think it's like what
you said the first time.

We're not guys and girls.

We're just people.

I guess that's true.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Hello, anybody here?

Who are you?

Pete Stark. You're Stein?

Yeah.

Well, I'm your new roommate.

And you've got a girl in here.

Stark, uh, would
you mind waiting

out in the hall for a second?

Please?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I guess this was
all a mistake, hmm?

I guess so.

Well, I'd better, um,

find the room I'm
supposed to be in.

Oh, no, you can't do that.

It's late, the offices
are closed now.

Tell you what, you just
stay right here, okay?

I'll sleep in the lobby tonight.

Oh, no, I can't let you do that.

And what about him?

Well, he can sleep
in the lobby, too.

But why?

Well, because we were wrong.

We're not really persons.

You're a girl and I'm
a guy and he's a guy.

I think.

The lobby?!

But I've got all this stuff.

My guitar!

Oh, it fits! It fits!

Good, we have it in
powder blue and black.

$24.95.

But your company promised
in their ads easy payments.

They are easy.

All you've got to do
is send in the money.

You didn't do it.

Wait a minute, can't you?

I haven't had a chance
to empty it out yet.

Okay, boys, get it out of here.

Well, can't you give
me a little more time?

Everything is going to
break for me any day now.

Oh, sure, sure.

That pencil, does it
write under water?

How should I know?
What am I, a fish?

I invented that.

Sure you did.

And I'm Henry Ford.

Well, I did! If I hadn't
been hit by a car

on the way to the patent
office, I'd be rich today.

Don't you see? I just
need a little more time.

Oh, speaking of time,
the clock goes, too.

Look, I'm expecting
a big call today.

An outfit is backing my
leather boots for the masses.

What's that?

What's that?

I'll show you.

See, if you wear black shoes

with these, it looks like you're
wearing a fancy pair of boots.

What do you think of that?

Look, fella. There's a
fortune in these babies.

Have you thought about
a nice 8:00 to 5:00 job?

It ain't that bad.

Lots of people do it.

The world is full
of people like you.

Yeah, I'm the masses; you're
staying up nights to please.

I'm an inventor!

Listen, I'll level with you.

My wife's all the time
telling me I'm ugly enough

to make it big in
TV commercials.

But I got more sense.

I got a steady job.

That's it.

I told you they'd call.

Hold up, boys.

Hello?

Yes, this is Arnold Dickerson.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, I understand.

Bye.

Well?

That was the phone company;
they're going to disconnect

my phone.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello.

I'm going to kill myself.

You what?

Didn't you hear me?

I said I'm going to kill myself.

Why else do you think I called?

What number did you want?

I dialed SUICIDE.

S-U-E-C-I-D-E.

The radio here in Detroit said

I could dial it any
time of the day.

I think you have
the wrong spelling.

You see, suicide
is spelled S-U-I...

It is? I never could spell.

I could never do anything right.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Wait a minute! Don't hang up.

Well, what's the use?

Even if I spelled suicide right,
I'd probably get a busy signal.

I'm always getting busy signals.

Why don't you talk to me?

I've got plenty of time.

Who are you?

Well, I'm just a guy

who doesn't want you
to do anything foolish.

Well, what's so foolish
about killing yourself?

I mean, life is for the birds.

I think that's a little bit

of an oversimplification,
don't you?

Well, what's so great about it?

Life can be lots
of fun, you know.

You just have to
know how to enjoy it.

Do you enjoy it?

Me? Sure.

Life's a ball.

Hey, you can't take my bed!

What am I going to sleep on?

You're one of the lucky ones.

Who?

Oh, sure.

This is your operator speaking.

What do you want?

Please complete your call.

We are discontinuing
your service.

This is a recording.

Who was that?

Quick, gi-give me your address.

834 North Holloway,
Apartment D. But why?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?!

Hello?

Oh...!

"Dear Lyle.

"Don't cry for me. I'm
not worth crying for.

While it lasted, I enjoyed the
feeling of being your fiancée."

F-E-E-O-N-S-A-Y.

F-I-A-N-C-E-E.

"I hope this finds
you in good health.

Posthumously yours..."

Post... P-O-S-T-U...

H.

"humously, yours.

By the time you get
this, I will be deceased."

D...

Oh. "Dead.

Love, Maggie."

Lyle?

It's Arnold.

Arnold Dickerson.

Who?

You know, S-U-E-C-I-D-E.

That's S-U-I.

I'm S-U-E, remember?

Oh.

My goodness, you got here quick.

What did you do,
run all the way?

Well, it's too late.

It's too late?

What can you say to me?

Nothing at the moment. Exactly.

There's nothing
anyone could say.

Oh, Lyle just won't
believe that I love him.

He, he's too insecure to
think anybody will love him,

and it's just my rotten
luck to fall in love with him.

Oh, it's hopeless.

I'll probably never get married.

I'll just spend
the rest of my life

watching the old movies on TV.

Well, now wait. I think
we should talk this over.

There's nothing to talk over.

It's hopeless.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Lyle.

Well, suit yourself.

He loves me!

That was Lyle! He
said he still loves me.

He had a change of heart,

and he said that
he's not going to be

insecure in our
relationship anymore.

♪ And... ♪

that he knows I love him,

and he's never going
to doubt me again!

He said all that?

Well, not exactly.

He said he was coming
down to talk it over.

Oh, you've got
to get out of here.

He's coming down?

Well, yes, he just
lives two flights up.

Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.

Thank you very much. Good-bye.

Just a second, Lyle.

Maggie, what's
going on in there?

Just a minute.

Just a second.

Just a minute.

What took you so long?

Hi, Lyle.

I didn't think I'd
see you again.

Why, I said I was
coming right down?

I meant after our last flare up.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry about that.

I don't mind telling
you I've been doing

a lot of thinking
these past days.

Oh, really?

I didn't give it a
second thought.

I considered it, um,
just one of those things.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, now, Lyle,
don't get insecure.

You don't love me anymore?
Yes, of course, I love you.

Then what did you
mean it's "just one

of those things"?
For Pete's sake, Lyle,

don't you understand
women at all?

Well, I just came
down to tell you that

I wasn't going to be
insecure anymore.

And then all of a sudden,
you hit me with it was

"just one of those things." Oh!

I give up.

Maybe it was "just one
of those things." Oh.

That's my uncle's.

I don't believe you, Maggie.

I think whoever this
is is still here. Oh, no.

And that's what took you
so long to answer the door.

Search the place, why don't you?

Oh... he got out in time.

Well, I'm getting
out in time, too.

Oh, yes. It's my uncle's.

He left it here yesterday.

Oh!

Lyle?

It's me, Arnold.
I forgot my coat.

Oh, yeah. Your coat.

You and your lousy coat!

Is he still here?

No, he's not still here!

Oh, well, I'll just,
I'll just get it and go.

You and your lousy coat!

Well, you said that.

Because of that lousy coat,

he's left for good this time.

I'm sorry.

Well, what did you
butt in to my life for

in the first place?

Now you just ruined everything.

I'm sorry. Oh, what's the use?

What's the cotton-picking use?

Uh, are you, are you
feeling suicidal again?

What can I say? I'm sorry.

Well, you know what they say,

"Everything turns
out for the best."

You know how they say that.

What do they know?

Don't listen to me.

Nothing but nothing ever
turned out right for me

my entire life.

You're absolutely right.

If I hadn't butted in to your
life, you could be dead by now.

Better than that, back
with what's his name.

What's the matter with you?

Was it something I said?

You're looking at a
card-carrying loser

from way back.

Oh, you shouldn't
talk like that.

You should be
ashamed to talk like that.

Listen, when you called,
they were moving the furniture

out of my apartment.

I've got a flat full of useless
inventions and a dead phone.

Well, that's too
bad, but, you know,

like they say,
tomorrow is another day.

You're right, what do they know?

Have you ever wondered
what it's all about?

You know, I've
toyed with the idea

of jumping off a
building from time to time,

but I never did.

Why not? Are you kidding?

Me jump off a building alone?

I'll do it with you.

You would?

Sure. What have I got to lose?

I don't know what to say.

I won't forget it.

They say everything
is more enjoyable

when you do it with someone.

I think they're right that time.

How tall is this building?

There are six floors, if you
don't count the main floor.

If you count the basement
as one, there are eight.

And including the
roof, it's nine floors.

If the building isn't
high enough, you know,

we'd have to do a lot of
explaining to the police.

It's against the law
to jump off buildings.

I'll chance it.

I'm gonna go change. What for?

I can't jump in this old thing.

You were gonna
hang yourself in it.

Well, yeah, but this is my home.

When you jump,
you're out in public.

Besides, I have got
the most gorgeous outfit

I've been dying to wear.

Hey, there's a tall
building across the street.

It must be over ten stories.

I can't hear you.

Aw, forget it... 13
stories, bad luck.

Hurry up, will you?

We may not feel
like doing it later on.

Would you please hook me up?

Yeah, it sure is sexy.

Oh, thank you.

What is it?

Well, it's a jumper.

I could laugh at that, but I don't
want to break the mood we're in.

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to be funny.

It just happened.

But it is a jumper.

Strangely enough.

Now, don't you start laughing.

Who's laughing?

Uh, it's me. Can I come in?

I was just thinking, you know,

about what you
said about the coat

belonging to
your uncle, and I...

Hi.

Are you gonna tell
me that's your uncle?

No, Lyle, this is just one of
those things I was referring to.

Satisfied?

You lied to me.

How many other times
have you lied to me?

Please, Lyle, we were just
on our way out. Oh, wait, wait!

Uh, where do you think you're
going dressed in th-that outfit?

To the roof to jump off.

Liar! You're nothing
but a little liar!

Wait a minute, don't you
call this little lady a little liar.

You stay out of this, Uncle.

You stay out of it.

Oh! Oh!

Blood! Did you see what he...

You've, you've got me bleeding.

It's... I don't know what's
the matter with you people.

It's my own blood.

Ready?

If you are.

Uh, should we leave a note?

I'm tired of writing notes.

Let 'em guess!

It looks plenty high enough
for a successful touchdown.

Look... what do you think?

Did you see me hit him?
Do you see how he ran?

How many times are
you gonna ask that?

Yes, I saw you... you
were great. Now, let's jump.

I'm not a violent man, I
don't believe in violence,

but I feel kind of wonderful

right now. Are you
chickening out?

I don't know what
this feeling is.

It's like I could do
anything and succeed.

Okay, let's see you jump.

I don't want to.

Well, I do.

I tried twice today,
and by George,

I'm gonna kill myself
if it's the last thing I do.

Maybe this is what...
what winning feels like.

Don't ask me.

When I hit Lyle, it
was like I was saying,

"Look at me, I'm a winner!"

Well, nothing's changed for me.

Oh, I wish that you
could hit Lyle just once.

It might change your
whole outlook on life.

You know, I'd sure hate to
see you change your mind.

Well, you do understand, though,
don't you? Well, sure I do. Sure.

Listen, would you mind
doing me one last favor?

No. I mean, just to
kind of get me started,

would you give
me a little shove?

No, I won't.

Please? Don't jump, Maggie.

Please don't jump.

Well, why not?

Well, because...

well, I... I want to
kiss you good-bye.

What for? Well, I
just want to kiss you.

Do I have to have
a reason? Okay?

Well, I guess it's okay, but...

we hardly know each other.

I-I could never
do that ordinarily.

Whew! That's a good-bye kiss?

Well, I wanted to
do it an hour ago,

I just didn't have the nerve.

Oh.

Gee, that's nice.

I'm sorry, what was
your name again?

Arnold. Arnold Dickerson.

Arnold.

Well, good-bye, Arnold.

Can I kiss you
good-bye this time?

Well, I guess.

Ah...

I didn't know kissing
good-bye could be so nice.

Well, I don't think they were
entirely good-bye kisses.

I mean, they... they
weren't entirely for me.

You know that feeling you
were telling me about before,

where you feel you can
do anything and succeed?

Sounds beautiful. I
know... that's how I feel.

You know what?

In an hour and a
half, on the early show,

is the very first Thin
Man movie, mm-hmm,

with William Powell
and Myrna Loy.

Did you ever see that one? No.

Oh, you got to see it!

Oh, come on.

Let me go first.

Careful.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Oh, my goodness,
aren't you strong.

Honey...

black is beautiful,

but this is ridiculous.

You know, you are beautiful.

You are exquisite.

Oh, you say the sweetest things.

Hey, come on, will ya?

You moved.

Look, I'm paying you good money

to sit there and not
move, and you move!

I'm sorry, Artie, but
you know how it is

sitting in one spot for
hours without breathing.

You develop a nervous twitch.

Okay, take a breath.

Don't look, now.

I would not look
except in the line of duty

to further my art.

Thanks. I sat still for so long,

rigor mortis was setting in.

I'm sorry.

I guess I do get
a little involved.

You're so dedicated.

And so brilliant.

But all work and no play
makes Artie a dull artist.

You know, when I paint
you, you're just a model,

but when I kiss you,
you're almost human.

I bet you say that
to all your models.

Now, would I say that
to anyone but you?

Artie, have you ever thought
about getting married again?

Now, look, it's too soon
to start talking about that.

Oh, but your wife ran off

with that cartoonist
nine years ago.

You can't stay bitter forever.

Bitter? Who's bitter?

Am I bitter? Do I look bitter?

The two of them
deserve each other

as far as I'm concerned.

They both thought Terry and
the Pirates was avant-garde.

You've suffered long enough.

You can't go on just painting
naked girls and pining away.

You must think of yourself.

Marsha, oh, Marsha, you
make me think of myself.

Dad, are you home?
Hey, it's my son!

Quick, take off your
clothes... he'll catch us!

What?

He knows I only paint nudes.

If he finds you in
here all dressed,

he'll think we're
up to something.

Give me a break. Hey, that's
good, that's great, that's good.

Tell him you're on a break.

Dad?

H-Hi, son.

Oh. Aren't you working today?

Well, we're, we're on a break.

Well, uh, aren't you gonna
say hello to Miss Simmons here?

Hi, Miss Simmons.

Gee, I didn't recognize
you with your clothes on.

Dad, can I talk to you a minute?

Sure, son. What is it?

Well, I got my
report card today,

and I got straight A's.

Oh, that's good.

Except for one subject.

Oh, that's not so good. How bad?

I flunked. Well, that's not

the end of the world.

I mean, everybody has at
least one thing they're bad at.

You mean you're not mad?

No. I mean, I'm sorry
you flunked a class,

but I'm not mad.

What class was
it? Sex education.

Sex edu...

You flunked...

My kid flunked sex education!

My kid.

Well, like you said,
Artie, it's only one class.

That's not a class,
that's a whole way of life.

You are mad.

Look, David, I mean,
you have to admit,

I've always been honest
with you about sex, right?

Haven't I? Right?

I mean, not all that
birds-and-the-bees jazz,

I just gave it to you straight.

I'm sorry.

I-I-I didn't explain it in
big words, either, right?

I mean, I just explained it in
common, ordinary language,

'cause I wanted
you to get it right.

I didn't want you to
have any hang-ups.

I don't have any
hang-ups, honest.

Well, he's only ten... How
many hang-ups can he have?

None, because I taught
him not to have any.

So it's got to be the teacher
that's got the hang-ups.

What kind of a person is he?

He's a woman.

Oh, boy, he has got hang-ups.

Artie, I think he
meant she's a woman.

Yeah, he's a she.

She wears dresses.

Well, whatever she is, there's
something wrong with her

if she flunked my kid.

I think I'd better have
a little talk with her.

Aw, Dad. Look, I'm
not gonna humiliate you.

I mean, I just want to
have a nice, quiet talk

and find out what's
wrong with her.

You won't yell at her?
No, I won't yell at her.

Now, go on out and
play, will you? Okay.

Oh, and, David, I just got
my new copy of Fun Girl,

if you want to look it over.

I know it's not much, but
it beats Dick and Jane.

Uh, excuse me.

Are you Miss Busby?

Yes.

Well, I'm Arthur
Kaufmann, David's father.

You can call me Artie.

Pleased to meet you.
Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

This is a little small for me.

I suppose you want to talk
to me because I failed David.

Th-That's right; there
must be some mistake.

I'm sorry, there's no mistake.

I gave David the
grade he deserved.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I taught David
everything I know.

Maybe that's why he failed.

Look, I res...

You told me to sit in this thing
on purpose. Oh, may I help?

I didn't, I really didn't
mean to make you mad.

I was just, um...

trying to tell you the facts.

Well, I wish you'd explain
the facts, if you know any.

I knew you'd come here.

Well, all fathers stop by when
their sons flunk sex education.

When the girl fails,
somehow they're happy.

They seem to think it makes
their girl seem more virtuous.

Oh, now, look, I really don't
think I'm like most fathers.

I certainly didn't want
David learning about sex

from little boys in the street.

Oh? And where did you learn?

From little girls in the street.

Mr. Kaufmann, have you ever
had a class in sex education?

Oh, now look, experience
is the best teacher.

For you, maybe,

but David doesn't know
his gluteus maximus

from his elbow.

Huh?

Well, now... look.

You just look at this
last test that David took.

Now, as you can readily see,

he doesn't know the names

for the various parts
of the body indicated.

Well, at least not
the scientific ones.

This picture is obscene.

Obscene?

This is a cross
section of the human

to show his internal organs.

That's what I mean.

It looks like the poor guy

was in some kind
of a terrible wreck.

It's obscene.

I suppose you'd like to
see it with all its clothes on?

No, but I'd like to see
it with all its flesh on.

Mr. Kaufmann, sex education
does not deal with the flesh.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess it's just a bad
habit of my profession.

See, every time I see a
beautiful woman like yourself,

I guess I just instinctively
picture her as my model.

Model?

But you only paint nudes.

Yeah. I see you've heard of me.

Yes, I've heard of you.

Of you and your work.

You know, the way you carved

David's jack-o'-lantern last
Halloween is all over school.

It's disgraceful.

Oh. That was just a little joke.

I'm not a pumpkin
carver; I'm a painter.

And I'd certainly like
to paint you sometime.

Mr. Kaufmann.

Please, call me Artie,
and I'll call you Mary.

I'll do no such thing. Mnh-mnh.

Yeah, you're certainly
better than a pumpkin,

from any angle.

Mr. Kaufmann,

I'm not that kind of
sex education teacher.

Look, I'm speaking as an artist.

Some of my nudes are hanging

in the Chicago Museum
of Science and Industry.

You won't find me
hanging around nude

in the Chicago Museum
of Science and Industry.

Mnh-mnh. Look, Mary...

Miss Busby.

Now, you know, it's
becoming very clear to me

why David is having
trouble in this class.

It's you... you're a
lecherous old man.

You know, I think you're right.

And furthermore...

I am?

I-I mean, you... you agree?

Oh, I don't mean I'm a lech.

It's true, I've seen a
lot of women in my day

because of my profession, but...

what do I really know?

I mean, seeing is not knowing.

I'm so glad you agree with me.

You know, most men
usually can't accept

that they don't know
all there is to know.

Oh, no. I know I don't know.

And poor David is
the one that suffers.

Raising a child without
a mother is hard.

I've failed him.

But you did try.

Most parents are
afraid to do that much.

Mary... Miss Busby.

Could I ask a
great favor of you?

I will not pose nude.

No, it's nothing like that.

This is for David.

What?

Well, it's a lot to ask, I know,

but could you give
me a few pointers,

you know, something I
could pass on to my son?

I, uh, I...

Well, you know,
just some little thing,

anything that would
help David in his adult life

to have a happier life, a
more normal one than mine.

Well, I suppose I could show
you some slides, but when?

Well, anytime. Right now.

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry,
but the slide projector

is being used now
by the P.E. coach.

The proper and improper
ways to serve a volleyball.

Doesn't this school
have any priorities?

What's more important...
Sex or volleyball?

I agree, but...

Look, all I need is
an hour of your time.

Couldn't I come over
to your place sometime?

Maybe tonight.

No, no. My roommate's
cooking dinner for her boyfriend.

Well, maybe you could
come over to my place.

Look, all I want is an hour.

Please, just, just teach me
the basics, for David's sake.

Mm, I don't know.

I know.

Why should you teach me what
you teach every ten-year-old?

I know, it's too much to ask.

Well, for David's sake...

Great, I'll get rid of David.

I'll send him over
to his grandmother's,

and I'll expect you about 7:00.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Now, are you interested
in sex or in fooling around?

Fooling around?

Fooling around?

What kind of a person
do you think I am?

No. I'm interested in sex.

Okay.

And this, of course,
is the bee completing

the pollination process
by conveying the pollen

from the anther to the
stigma of the flower,

in this case a bougainvillea.

Does this bore
you, Mr. Kaufmann?

Well, let me put it this way.

I'm a little less enthusiastic
than the "bogainvil-lea,"

and it just got pollinated.

"Bougainvill-ea."

Bougainvillea, "bogainvillea."

Look, I've really
had it with the bees.

Before we graduate to the birds,

why don't we take a break
and have a nice, little drink, huh?

I don't drink anymore, not since I
found about cyclamates, mnh-mnh.

Cyclamates?

Look, this is not
diet champagne.

Champagne?
Well, I don't think...

Well, may-maybe this one.

That's more like it.

Do you have a
problem with women?

Do I have a problem with...?

I beg your pardon.

Well, all you paint is nudes.

Well, I think
nudes are beautiful.

I agree.

But there are all sorts of
things that are beautiful.

Goya painted many
beautiful pictures of women

with their clothes on.

Yeah, but Renoir painted nudes.

And let me tell
you the difference.

In Renoir's paintings,
the girls are all smiling.

That may be your interpretation,

but it seems to be me
you like to view women

in the baser sense.

Baser...

Now, look, before
I start yelling,

would you mind explaining
to me what you mean by that?

Well, I have a feeling that you
think women, and therefore sex,

is something dirty and lewd.

Dirty and...?

Me?

But it's not.

It's a private thing between
a man and a woman.

It's beautiful. Gift
between two people.

Clean and lovely.

Well, now, I'm glad we
finally agree on something.

Get your dirty mouth off me.

Dirty...?

I was being clean and lovely.

I-I-I was being
tender and intimate.

I wasn't even being
all that intimate.

Just because I'm a
sex education teacher

doesn't mean that I
give audio-visual aids.

I draw the line
at slides, buster.

Buster? Where are you
getting the buster stuff.

What did I do?

I was just waiting for that.

I knew you were going to do it.

Do what? A kiss on the
cheek w-w-with no hands?

You showed your true colors.

True...?

Well, you showed
your true colors.

You're a hypocrite.

What? A hypocrite.

You come on like a big
deal sex education teacher,

and you know a lot of technical
terms like "bee" and "flower,"

but you don't know
anything about romance.

I know all about
your kind of romance.

You mean you read about
it in "True Confessions."

I bet when you go home tonight
you're going to enter all this

in your diary, right? Har-har!

You dirty old man. Old man?

I didn't do anything that
would offend any normal girl.

What's more, I'll bet
you're a peeping Tom.

You couldn't pay me
to peep in your window!

Hey, Marsha, you might
as well take a break.

In fact, you can knock
off for the rest of the day.

I'm just not with it.

What's the matter,
baby? I don't know.

It's no big thing.

I don't even know
why it bothers me at all.

Oh... I know what'll
cheer my daddy up.

Dad, are you home?

Oh, should I take
my clothes off?

Oh, don't bother.

Oh, you are upset.

You're not even thinking
about your own son anymore.

Look, he's got to learn
sometime, sooner or later,

that women, uh, wear clothes.

I mean, he's going
to find out eventually.

Hey, Dad?

Oh.

Didn't know you were busy.

That's all right, son.

We're through, we're finished.

Hi, Miss Simmons.

I recognized you.

Clothes didn't
throw me this time.

You're a fast learner, David.

Dad, I got something very
important to talk to you about.

In private.

Oh, I can take a hint.

I'll go out on the patio and
take a sunbath for a while.

Watch out for the guy next door.

He's got binoculars.

So what?

It'll bother him
more than it will me.

Now, what's on your mind, son?

Well, you had a big fight

with Miss Busby
last night, didn't you?

Now, how did you know that?

'Cause she asked me if
it was all right to pick up

the slide projector
she left here last night.

I guess the P.E. coach got
mad, because the volleyball team

was supposed to learn
how to spike the ball today.

Well, sure, take
it to her, will you?

She's right outside.

She is? Yeah.

I'm not sure, but I
think she came over

so she could yell
at you some more.

W-Well, why didn't
you ask her in?

Dad, what'd you do so wrong
that she has to yell at you twice?

That's between us.

You run out and play, will you?

Okay.

You can go in now, Miss Busby.

Hi.

Hi.

I uh...

Well, I guess David
told you why I'm here.

Yeah.

Yeah, your stuff is over there.

Your, your equipment there.

I packed it up for you.

That was very nice of you.

Oh, I didn't mind.

I didn't have anything
else to do, and...

I had to do something.

I-I didn't seem to be able
to get much sleep last night.

I graded papers
all night myself.

Why couldn't you sleep?

Well, I... I don't know.

I... I just...

Well, I couldn't sleep,
be-because you're all wet.

Well, what does that mean?

You said that I paint nudes

because I like to
look at naked women.

That's not right.

I paint nudes, because that's...

It happens to be what I do best.

Sure, because you're so used
to looking at naked women.

All right. Okay!

Why don't you just
get out of my life,

so I can get some
sleep at night?

Okay, done.

Look, wait a
minute... Not so fast.

I want you to see something.

No, thank you very much;
I've seen quite enough.

It'll only take a
minute. Please?

A simple old bee.

Whatever made you do
a strange thing like this?

It's not strange.

He's naked.

What does it mean?

Well, it... it means,

it just means I
wanted to show you

I could paint
something different,

something you might like.

I know.

I couldn't sleep last night,
because I kept thinking

about everything you said to me.

I know all about the
book side of love,

but you were right.

I don't know the practical
side of it, the romantic side.

Not until now
with this painting.

You think my
painting is romantic?

Boy, you do have a lot to learn.

I can't think of anyone
else I'd like to learn it from.

You really mean that?

Do you really like me?

Yeah.

I never made a naked
bee for any other girl.

Then I really mean it.

We're like a couple
of exchange students.

You show me the books,
and I'll show you the ropes.

The books say knowledge
is the birth of life.

Boy, I've never been so
insulted in my whole life.

Well, you don't have to
be... This isn't business.

Oh, do you know the man
next door with the binoculars?

The one who I thought was
just a nice old peeping Tom?

It turns out he's nothing
but a dirty old art collector.

How do you know?

Well, he insulted
me; that's how I know.

He came over and asked me
how much you'd sell the painting

of the bee for.

He was looking at your bee

through his binoculars,

while I was lying
there stark naked!

Oh, boy, is that an insult.

I'm going to put on my
clothes and go home!

This probably isn't any of
my business, but who is she?

I think she's the last
in a long line of nudes.

You love football
more than you love me.

Yeah, but I love you
more than I love baseball.

Let's take a shower together.

We don't have a shower.

Let's take a bath together.

We don't have a bathtub.

Want to wade in the brook?