All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E12 Love and the Bachelor, Love and the Other Love, Love and the Positive Man

Oh, Lamar!

Oh, Lamar, it's beautiful!

Oh, but whatever do
you see in little old me?

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight you will see
three separate views of:

The Park Avenue version
of "My Son The Bachelor";

a beautiful, high-powered
home wrecker;

and our first story
about a young man's rise

to the heights of
romance, which we call...

♪ ♪

It isn't going to
help you, Marvin.

There's a lot of truth here.

Oh, truth.

I'm telling you, those
are a lot of crazy books.

Think positive, be
positive, smell positive.

The only thing I'm positive
about is that you have

too many books.

Mama, if you
believe, they'll help.

I'm your mother and I love you.

Believe me, it's
not going to help.

You are what you are.

Look, if you wanted
to be Rock Hudson

and you already
were Rock Hudson,

then you may have a
chance to be Rock Hudson.

Mama, these books are
full of stories about people

who became big business tycoons

just because they
believed in positive thinking.

But you're thinking crazy.

There is nothing wrong with
me knowing and believing

in my innermost self,

that I am actually a big man.

And I am your mother.

I just don't want
to see you get hurt.

Oh, Marvin, you are
headed for such a heartbreak.

No, Mom, I believe, so I am.

How can you believe
you're six-foot-two

when you bend over and
you're lost beside the footstool?

That's negative thinking.

Well, all I know is,

a little man should
have a nice little wife.

Now, Brenda is...

Mama, forget about Brenda.

And what's the
matter with Brenda?

She's got a mustache.

Ah, maybe a little fuzz, but...

Marvin, how many girls do you
know that can look up at you?

Mom.

How many girls

over four years old?

Mama, it says in those books

that outward appearances
are not true reality.

You are what you think you are.

I'm just thinking
positive, that's all.

You really believe you're
this, this Tarzan image?

Marvin,

sweetheart, I only know
one person that can grow

from five-feet-three
to six-foot-two.

Who?

Plastic Man.

Oh, Marvin, let me
ask Brenda over.

Sit and talk.

Mama, I don't love Brenda.

I love Sylvia.

It'll be fun, Sylvia.

I'm sorry, Marvin,

but I already have a date
with Roger for tomorrow night.

Okay, how about the
day after tomorrow?

Oh... you kill me.

Why?

Look at us.

It just wouldn't work.

Why?

I might lose you.

As it is, I have to be
careful not to step on you.

Come on, Sylvia,
we'd have laughs.

We'd be laughed at.

I'm sorry, Marvin.

You're a nice guy, Marvin.

I really like you,

but maybe you ought to pick
on somebody your own size.

Are you going to the
toy department, too?

Sure, she threw you a kiss.

She couldn't give it to you.

She's two feet
higher than you are.

She used to just say no.

I tell you, it's working.

Positive thinking is working.

Oh, working.

Big deal.

She threw you a kiss.

Mom, it's all in the
way you look at it,

and how you look at it...

Is how it is.

I know, I know.

Oh, were you expecting
someone tonight, Mom?

Oh, just Mrs. Foreman...
and, and Brenda.

Ah, Brenda.

Well, I guess I'll go
in my room and read.

Now, stop reading.

You're tall enough.

Y-You just stay and
say hello, at least.

Now, sit.

Well, look who's here.

I brought Brenda tonight.

I hope you don't mind.

Mind? I should say not.

Marvin, look who's here.

Little Brenda.

She looks so darling.

She's so cute.

What a lovely surprise.

Yeah, surprise.

Well, uh, what are
you doing home tonight,

Marvin?

I skipped basketball
practice tonight.

Isn't that nice?

Well, you two young people
can keep each other company

while Grace and I play gin.

Fine.

Well, Brenda, you want
to go in my bedroom

and watch me read a book?

You don't like me too
much, do you, Marvin?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Oh, I'm just
perceptive, I guess.

Look, Brenda, it's
not that I don't like you.

It's just that I've been doing
a lot of reading lately and...

Yeah, I noticed.

That's the second book
since I've been in here.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter with me?

Nothing.

Nothing's wrong
with you, Brenda.

It's just you're too
short for me, that's all.

Oh, Marvin, what a
terrible thing to say.

Well, don't take it wrong.

I used to be short, too.

I understand.

What do you mean?

You're the same size I am.

They're sitting on
the bed together.

The bed? Mm-hmm.

You think they're all right?

Too right.

That's all they're
doing, just sitting.

Well, things have changed.

Can you imagine what
would have happened

if my father had sat
on a bed with his girl?

He would have
broken the bed down.

He weighed 300 pounds.

Say, you know, if this
works, we may be in-laws.

Don't say "may be," say "will."

Think positive.

I'm too short for you?

I like the tall,
statuesque type.

You're kidding.

Look, Brenda, one day
you'll meet a nice little guy

and he'll be just right for you.

But you're a nice little guy.

I am not.

You're making fun
of me, aren't you?

You're just putting me on.

Brenda, I'm not
making fun of you.

Yes, you are.

Look, Brenda,

if you're interested
in changing, I've got...

What happened?

Marvin, he...

What did he do?

We were on the bed and he...

When I looked,
they were just sitting.

Maybe I underestimated her.

Come on, honey, let's go home.

We'll have a nice talk.

Well...

Don't be hard on him.

He can't help it if he's a man.

How could you tell her
she was too small for you?

Mom, I'm sorry, but it was
your idea to have her over.

I was just being honest.

This is crazy.

Mighty Mouse
telling Minnie Mouse

she's a mouse.

Marvin, why don't
you call Bernie's uncle?

What do I need
a psychiatrist for?

Be honest with your mother.

I've seen it already.

Seen what?

This, I found it in your drawer.

It's very interesting.

Marvin, this is five
feet, three inches long

and written on it
says six-foot-two,

and that's not healthy.

Mom, it just helps
me to think positive.

It's called a visual aid.

A visual aid.

Mm-hmm.

So if I want to remarry
and I want Michael Caine,

all I have to do is
get a big poster of him

and put it on my wall
and think positive?

You might have a chance.

I have no chance,
none, and neither do you.

Marvin, you are a little man.

You are not six-foot-two.

You are five feet,
three inches tall

and all the positive
thinking in the world

isn't going to make
you any bigger.

Sweetheart, you
are a little man.

We just couldn't
go out together.

Why not?

Where could we go?

If we went to the theater,
people would keep thinking

there's an empty
seat next to me.

Everybody would laugh at us.

Nobody would laugh.

Then they'd stare.

The only reason they'd stare
is because you're so beautiful.

You're sweet,
Marvin, you really are.

I wish there was some way.

If you were
just a little taller.

Why don't you wear
some elevator shoes?

I'm wearing them now.

I'm sorry.

I've even got an inch of
cardboard in each heel.

I used to fall forward
a lot till I got used to it.

Marvin, I hope I
didn't offend you.

Hi, Syl.

Oh, sorry, Marv, I didn't
see you down there.

You going to the Treetoppers
dance Saturday night, Syl?

Uh, I think so.

Good, I'll pick
you up about 8:00.

Well...

Listen, I'll just blow the
horn and you come down.

That way I won't have
to look for a place to park.

What's the Treetoppers Club?

It's a social club
for tall people.

Hmm, maybe I ought to join.

Marvin, if you're a girl, you
have to be over five-eight.

If you're a guy, you
have to be over six feet.

You couldn't get in as a girl.

I could if I believed I could.

Oh, Marvin.

Where do I get an application?

Marvin, look,

if you'll forget
all this nonsense,

I'll go out with
you, once anyway.

See, it worked?

I knew you'd go out with me.

I told you everybody
would laugh.

Nobody laughed.

If they didn't, it's because

they were too
busy staring at us.

I told you, the only reason

people stare at us is
because you're so beautiful.

Oh, Marvin.

I got a surprise for
tomorrow. You bought stilts?

No, I got tickets for
the Grand Polish Ballet.

The Royal Polish Ballet?

Why, that's been
sold out for weeks.

How did you manage that?

Positive thinking.

And my janitor's niece is in it.

Okay?

Mm, Marvin, I just don't know.

I did want to see that ballet.

I understand the magic
pig suite is beautiful.

I'll think about it.

Tonight was kind of fun,

everything considered.

Oh, Sylvia, wait a minute.

Good night, Sylvia.

Well, good night, Marvin.

All alone in the hall
with no one to love it.

No wonder it's dying.

I love you, little plant.

Oh.

Good night, Sylvia.

That must have been a sight.

He must have had a great night

just standing there
staring into your knee caps.

Hmm. At least he's
not an egotistical bore

like some dates I've had.

He's intelligent,
sweet, considerate.

And he has to
stand on his tiptoes

to tie his shoelaces.

Stop it, Roger.

Oh, so that's the
way it is, huh?

Well, you have fun with
Toulouse-Lautrec, baby,

'cause Big old Roger is on
his way to greener pastures.

Roger?

I'm sorry.

That's better.

Okay, Marvin, but this
is definitely the last date.

See you at 7:00.

Proof positive, Ma.

We got another date.

So?

Buy a folding step stool. Hmm.

It was fun, wasn't it?

Come on, admit it...
People were laughing.

Yeah, just maybe a little.

Oh, you were so funny, Marvin.

The way nobody could
see you behind the bar,

and you kept changing
everybody's drinks.

Yeah. I think the guy
was really getting stoned

on grapefruit juice.

Hey, Sylvia, how
about tomorrow night?

You promised, remember?

Yeah.

And Roger and I do
have a thing, you know?

Yeah, well, okay, Sylvia.

Good night and thanks.

Boy, I just know it'd work.

So long.

Marvin?

See? Even plants
respond to love.

For old times sake.

Oh, Sylvia, you don't...

I want to.

Marvin, I...

If you weren't
such a little guy...

Why do you keep saying that?

Well, it's just that I...

Don't you see?

I'm not the little guy.

Roger's the little guy.

Honey, you see,

it's all in the way
you measure a man.

Well, so long.

It was such a beautiful wedding.

Yes, just beautiful.

It was lovely, wasn't it? Yeah.

And now you're leaving
for your honeymoon.

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe it, either.

Yeah, well, we'd
better get going

if we're going to
catch our plane.

Bye, Mama.

Bye, darling.

Good-bye, Mother.
Good-bye, dear.

Bye, Brenda.

Bye. Have a lovely
time on your honeymoon.

We will.

I just can't believe it.

Oh, Mama, in case you need us,

this is where we're
going to be staying.

It's the Paul Bunyan Hotel.

Yes, they have those
king-sized beds there.

Marvin needs a lot
of room, you know.

A king-sized bed?
King-sized beds?

Well, let's get going.

Watch out for the top of
the doorway, sweetheart.

You don't want to hit your head.

Thanks, honey bun.

Bye.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

I don't believe it, either.

Oh, never mind, Brenda.

Pretty soon you'll
be getting married

and going off on
your own honeymoon.

Oh, I don't know.

Men don't seem to
find me too interesting.

I guess Marvin was right.

I'm just too short.

Brenda.

Well, thank you, Mr. Richter.

I'd appreciate that.

And... And I'm sorry to have
bothered you. Thank you.

Well, I don't know
where else to try.

He left the office at 4:00.

4:00? That-That's
almost four hours ago.

He could have made it
here on his hands and knees

if he really wanted
to come home.

Well, he wasn't
due here until 6:00.

Oh, pardon me.

He's just two hours late.

Of course, it only
happens to be my birthday.

I guess he forgot about that.

Oh, Dad.

Like I've got so many left.

If he had the kind of accident
where he couldn't call...

I better try the police.

No!

Oh, that's the worst
thing you can do.

Mother! Well, um...

There hasn't been any accident.

The man bought a new
car, for heaven's sakes.

He's like a child
with a new toy.

Or maybe he went
back to the office

to give his secretary
a ride home.

Lewis, she's married.

Please, grow up.

What a thing to say
at a time like this.

What do you mean,
at a time like this?

Well, it's the kind of thing
that could occur to any man.

Dad, cool it.

The way you think.

Thinking is not the point.

Point is that a woman's
beautiful face and figure

imposes itself visually
on a man's retina.

If he's conscious, he thinks.

Oh!

Information?

I'd like the number

of Corey Allen Smith
Automobile Dealers on Main.

And suggesting that a
man is showing off a new car

to a curvy doll is
certainly far healthier

than to imagine him lying
dead on some highway.

Hmm.

555-9388?

Thank you.

I'm going home.

How?

We let Billy have our car.

I'll, I'll call a cab.

We are not going to go home!

Look here. This is my birthday

and we're going to
do what I want to do,

and I want to celebrate it.

I want to eat out.

They're closed.

Will you call us a cab, dear?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
We are not going home.

You're making me very nervous!

Just learn to live with it.

Oh, please,

let's go! If something
has happened...

All right, suppose
something has happened.

We should be here
then, shouldn't we?

Say there's a disaster.

We'd want to be right
here with our daughter,

wouldn't we, wouldn't we?

Oh, of course we would.

Who said we wouldn't?

All right, so we get home

and then we hear
about the disaster.

We have to come right back here

and there's another cab.

Oh, money.

That's what you
really care about.

Now when we get
right down to it...

Who said anything about money?!

Or cab fare, whatever.

Will you two please stop it?

I'm concerned about my husband

and I don't want to
have to listen to this.

What kind of a car
did he buy, honey?

Oh, I don't know.

You don't know?

You mean you had
nothing to do with deciding

what kind of a car?

What was the one he traded in?

Now for heaven's sakes,

an automobile is the
second-largest investment

any young family makes.

First your home...

This is something
that he wanted to do...

Your daddy's right, dear.

Just because Rob
inherited a little money,

you know, in a good
marriage, people share things.

Community property, baby.

In this state, you
own half of that car.

Right down the middle, no
matter what make or model.

Shh.

It's him! Rog!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dad!

No, no, no, he's late.

He's my husband!

He is a late husband,
two hours late.

Dad, will you please...?!

Don't you dare
go out there to him.

Make him come in here to us.

It's my birthday!

What do you want to do?

Do you want to make
him stand in the corner?

Or maybe he should bring
a note from his mother.

I'm sure he has a very
good reason why he's late.

What is he doing out there?

You and your brother
were both raised

to be responsible citizens.

You have me to thank for that.

Thanks, Dad.

Now, will you please...?

He doesn't even respect his
own father-in-law's birthday.

I don't see why I
should move... Oh!

Oh, Mr. Curtain,
gee, I'm so sorry.

Don't do that!

I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

Where have you been? The dinner!

The dinner? The dinner!

Your birthday.

I forgot.

Oh, look, man, I'm sorry.

Now that we know he's not dead,

let's get out of here
and go to dinner.

Mr. Curtain, I'm sorry.

It was all my fault.

I was so carried
away with the car

that I forgot everything else.

It's childish, I know.

But I got this car.

But you left the office at 4:00.

And it's almost 8:00.

I went for a ride.

A ride?

I got carried away.

I drove up to Point Avila.

Point Avila?

That's two hours from here.

One hour, 23 minutes and
17 seconds elapsed time.

Oh, honey, she's beautiful!

She corners, she
responds, you'll love her.

Who will love who?

The car, Mother.

Come on, Mrs. Curtain, I
want to show you something.

The most beautiful thing
you've ever seen, come on.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold...

Just, just one minute,
just one minute.

You say that it took you
an hour and 23 minutes

to get from here to Point Avila?

That's right.

And the same length
of time to come back?

Right.

What were you doing
the rest of the time?

I stopped to read the manual.

You could have called.

I mean, even if you forgot
about Dad and myself,

you could have let Pat know.

She's your wife,
your very good friend.

Mother.

How do you get into it?

With a pair of scissors?

You don't drive it
with this thing on?

No, I just thought I'd
get in the habit right away

of keeping it covered.

Now, you want to see something?

Independent suspension,
all four wheels.

Oh, well, it's different.

It's foreign.

Disc brakes, front and back.

You'll have to send to
Sicily to get a new spark plug.

Four Webbers...
Great corporation.

Terribly low.

240 honest horses.

You traded in the family car?

Patty, you can't drive
a stick shift, can you?

Well, Dad, I never drive anyway.

Rob takes the car to work.

Now, you really want
to see something?

Take a look.

It's used!

Previously owned.

Why did you buy a used car, Rob?

Yep, buy a used car, buy
somebody else's troubles.

Well, I couldn't
afford a new one.

Only ten people in
the country have those.

Mm-hmm, ten fools.

You like it, honey?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

It's... it's kind of cute.

Where's the back seat?

What?

Where's the back seat?

There's only room
for two people.

How about that, Rob?

Look here, there's only
room for two people.

Well, that's the way they are.

They're all like that.

Well, how are we
going to get to dinner?

Didn't you bring your car?

No, they didn't bring their car.

They let Billy take it.

Oh.

Isn't that just great?
Isn't that just great?

Man goes out and buys a car...

He's a married man.

He's got parents, he buys a
car, it only seats two people.

Would you believe that?

You know something else, Rob?

Mother and I will never be
able to take a ride with you kids

ever, ever, ever, let alone
go to dinner with you tonight.

Yeah, well, I'm
really sorry about that.

It's all right, it's all right.

Come on. Let's go,
Mother. Mother, let's go.

We'll just walk up to
the corner and call a cab.

Dad, we'll meet
you at the restaurant.

Oh, look,

I can ferry you one at a time
up to the corner if you want.

No, no, no. It's all right.

Let's go.

This is the worst
birthday I have ever had.

Gee, honey, I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean to
get him upset, you know.

I know. Your timing was off.

Two hours late
with a two-seater car

on his birthday.

Well, shall we go
to the restaurant?

Okay.

But listen, drive slow

because I don't want to pass
them on the way to the corner.

Oh, wait a minute, honey.

Uh, would you like
to take your shoes off?

You don't want to
scuff the carpeting.

Zip.

Do you know if there's a...

Stand still will you?

Is there a weather report on?

There's storm warnings up.

You're kidding.

No, bulletin: all foreign
cars off the street.

Sandstorm headed this way.

You try too hard.

When you're second best...

Aw, come on.

Listen, uh, why don't we walk

over to Janet's?

It's only around the corner.

You don't want to take the car?

No, I'll take the car.

Let's take the car.

I just thought, well, we
never get any exercise.

We could jog over.

Seriously?

Well, you know, I mean,
if you really want to.

You really mean that, don't you?

Rather than take that car,

you'd let me run 18
blocks in these shoes.

Oh, come on, you
sound like your old man.

Rob, stop trying
to manipulate me.

You don't want to take the car.

No, I want to take the car.

The only thing is,

they've torn up that street.

The air is full of dust.

Park it on Raney Drive.

Raney Drive?

At this time of year

with those weeping willow trees?

You know what that
sap does to the paint.

No sap is going to eat through

423 coats of car wax.

I'll call Dave Palmer.

He'll let me use his garage.

It's only a couple of
blocks from Janet's.

We never get any exercise.

Hmm.

Rob!

Rob, come on, we're going
to be late for the picnic.

Oh, I can't go, honey.

You go yourself if you want to.

Well, why can't you go?

I have to get the heads checked.

It was coughing this morning

and I was afraid
of this sort of thing.

Now I'm sure of it.

Well, you don't have to get the
heads checked right now, do you?

I'm afraid I do in half an hour.

I'd call a mechanic, but he says

you shouldn't let a
thing like this go by.

It could develop
complications, you know?

I'm gonna get it done.

Mm...!

Honey, what are you doing?

I'm letting the air out
of the tires, honey.

Pat, come on!

You want to
embrace this machine,

you want to be locked
in her arms, well, okay.

Honey, that lets
the car down on me.

You bet.

You don't want to do that.

Ruins the tires.

Rob, Rob, you're
having a relationship

with this thing.

Oh, Pat, come on, will you?

You spend more time
alone in this garage.

It's an investment.

She has to be maintained.

It's like, like a
precision instrument.

If you say that one more time...

Look, honey, she's just as
much yours as she is mine.

Oh, sure. Sure you
are, sweetie, yeah.

I mean it.

Really, honey, it's our car.

All right, when do I
start driving our car?

Driving?

Well, all right.

I'll start shopping around
for a good driving school.

I am not going to any school.
I know how to drive a car.

I can drive as well as you.

Now all I need to
learn is how to shift

and you can teach me that.

It's not a good idea

for a husband to teach
a wife or vice versa.

We've been

through all that.

All right, I'll teach myself.

I'll putter around
in the afternoon.

Putter around?!

You don't putter
around in a car like this.

Rob, it is half mine, right?

Community property?

I promise I won't destroy
more than half of it.

I'm gonna drive this car.

Pat... Pat!

We'll work it out, give me time.

Don't be so impatient.

Daddy! What are you doing?

Somebody left this
on your back step.

I know.

You know, everybody complains

about the price of food.

You know how much you could save

on your grocery bill if
we could simply eliminate

things like shoplifting
and bad checks

and in-store stealing.

Honey, you just
shouldn't take these.

I didn't take it.

4.2%.

Now, Daddy, don't
start lecturing me.

All this talk about law
and order, law and order.

It's just lip service.
That's all it is.

Lip service, permissiveness.

Will you please take this back
outside where you found it?

We have a cart-pickup service.

The market collects them.

No kidding? That's a good idea.

I guess there
are a lot of ladies

like yourself who don't
have the use of a car

to do the family shopping, hmm?

Dad, please.

Has he let you drive
his little hot mama yet?

No. No, but he will, he will.

How long has he had it
now, about four weeks?

You know, I learned

to drive my uncle's locomobile
sedan in just one afternoon.

Boy, you had to double-clutch
to get that baby into second.

Well, of course, you're a man.

That's true. I was
a 13-year-old man.

Dad, I have to go to a picnic.

Would you like me
to give you a ride?

No, I want the exercise.

Happy to run you over.

Listen, Dad, did you
want anything in particular,

or did you just drop
by to be unfriendly?

You know, you always were
the saltiest one of the kids.

You want me to give
you some advice?

No.

Burn the car.

You know, when you two
start having separate interests,

the first thing you know,
you'll start drifting apart.

Believe me, I know. I...

Patty? Patty!

I'm here, I'm here.

Once upon a time,

I had a pair of, oh, beautiful,
silver-plated target rifles.

I tell you, they were gorg...

gorgeous scrollwork on them

They must have been
worth a thousand dollars,

including the mahogany case.

Well, do you know that your
mother actually got jealous

when I got so involved
with those rifles?

It almost broke us up.

Dad, I'm leaving.

Say, if you want me to,

I could, you know,
maybe mention it to him.

Mention what to whom?

To Rob, about
getting rid of the car.

Did I say anything about
getting rid of the car?

Now did I?

You can level with me, honey.

I'm your father.

Dad, don't you dare say a thing.

All right, I won't, I won't.

Don't worry. I know when
to keep my mouth shut.

Sure, sure, sure,
that's the easy way out.

Just stand to one side

and let your whole marriage
go right down the drain.

It doesn't take any
strength of character

to be irresponsible.

Nobody listens.

Hey, you.

You really get your kicks
out of this, don't you?

It's a lot of work.

Yeah, well, you know,
it's a big investment.

You know, a car like
this can depreciate,

oh, I don't know,
maybe 50% just like that.

I never thought about it.

Yeah.

Say, do you remember Irv Coats?

He lives a couple
of doors from me.

No, I don't think I ever met...

Oh, you remember, he's
that 55-year-old swinger.

He's got the gray toupee?

You know, Irv?

He's always doing handstands.

He comes in your house
and stands on his hands.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, Irv is looking
for a car like this

ever since he got hooked
up with that go-go girl.

You know, I bet

that I could get him to
make you an even swap.

Swap for what?

He's got a brand-new
station wagon.

Yes, sirree, it's
air-conditioned,

four-way tailgate,
stereo tape deck.

Sensational

family car; it
holds eight people.

Forget it.

And I bet the darn fool
would just trade you even.

You know?

Or, I don't know,

maybe you might have to
give him maybe 150 bucks.

I'm not interested.

But, Rob, the car's
only got 2,600 miles.

It's the year's top-rated wagon,

and if you could get him
to make you an even trade

on this over-painted
piece of Italian drain pipe,

I think you would be
way ahead of the game.

I'm not interested in your
ratings of classic cars.

Cars?

Who is talking about cars?

I'm trying to save
your marriage.

Mr. Kern, I'm not about
to discuss my marriage.

You learn from my experience.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't want your experience.

Well, why have we lived...?

I don't care why you've lived.

Let us live.

Look, son, I couldn't
hold up my head

in this town again if
you two kids split up.

Let her... drive
the car, will you?

Pat, you ready?

Gentlemen, start your engines.

All right, let's forget it.

Sorry, Chief.

Hey, Rob, it's neat, really.

You went to a lot
of trouble. Thanks.

Now, this is a four-speed
gear box, same as ours.

You should practice shifting
a few minutes every day.

Okay, teacher, I'll
do my homework.

All right, now this is
a driver's checklist.

I've had it Xeroxed.

Keep it with you at
all times. You bet.

Fine, now get in
the driver's seat.

Driver's seat.

The driver's seat. Here.

Now, run down your checklist.

Here we go.

Now, come on.

That's it.

There are three pedals.

The gas, the brake
and the clutch.

I only see two.

Well, I've only got two feet.

But switch over, fake it.

Use your imagination.

You don't have to be so grim.

Now, look.

Pay attention to the road.

You steer with the left hand

shift with the right.

You coordinate the
left foot on the clutch.

Operate the break

and accelerate
with the right foot.

Oh, Rob, why can't
we do this in the car?

Later.

Come on, you're starting out.

Depress the clutch.

Take the right
foot off the break.

Well, where do I put it?

On the accelerator.

Lightly!

Engage the clutch.

I have, it's in!

All right!

Shift through the quadrant,
all forward speeds.

Clutch. First.

Clutch. Second.

Clutch. Third.

Good. Good.

Now, which is the
tachometer? This one?

No, that one.

Good, good.

Into fourth.

You crossed feet.

You've got your right
foot on the clutch.

Don't holler!

Break! Break! There's a dog!

Ow!

Now, you see what
can happen? Oh.

You all right?

What kind of dog did I get?

All right, all right,
that finishes it.

No, no, no. Come on,
I'm just warming up.

Come on.

All right.

Let's try again.

Now when you move
into a higher gear,

like second into third,

you do it by the sound.

The faster the engine goes,
the higher pitched the sound.

Like when you're in second gear,

as you accelerate,
the sound goes,

"Voom, voom."

So when you get to
"vroom, vroom," then...

Then the shift. Okay.

Vroom... shift!

Vroom...

shift!

Vroom... shift!

Vroom... shift!

Vroom!

Vroom... oh, my
lip's wearing out.

Can I take it out on the street?

All right, one more dry run.

I've done it 8,000 times.

On the couch, on the bed,
on top of the coffee table.

You're doing very well.

Then why can't I drive?

I'm ready. Tomorrow morning.

Just hold your fire.

There's less
traffic on the streets

from ten after five until 6:30,

than any other daylight hours.

I have to get up at 5:00?

Please, will you let me
do this my way, okay?

One more dry run.

You really need it.

I really do?

You really do.

I'll take it right
through warm up.

I did mention the fact that you
never, never start the engine

until the garage door
is completely open.

I've been driving
since I was 16, Rob.

Watch those RPMs.

Are you reading the temperature?

Check the oil pressure.

Have there been any
accidents reported at all?

Yeah, I'm worried
sick about her.

Well, if there was an accident,
you'd know by now, wouldn't you?

I mean, it could be a
hit and run or something.

Well, if you hear anything will
you let me know right away?

Description?

Well, she's black
and has mag wheels.

Oh, she's brunette,
five feet, two.

About 23.

Yeah.

There she is now, officer.

I hear her coming
into the garage.

Yeah. Thanks a million, right.

Pat! Where have you been?

It's like three hours!

I've been going out of my skull.

Where have you been?

Point Avila. Point Avila?

Yeah, one hour, 12
and 19 elapsed time.

But you've been
gone over three hours!

Well, I stopped
to read the manual

and I didn't push coming back.

You know the big turn
that's just outside of Oxford?

Yeah? Well, I was
downshifting into third

when I noticed a slight lag.

Now I may be wrong,

but I think the clutch
bearing ought to be checked.

Come on, hop in, we'll
take it out and I'll show you.

Come on, hop in.

Take your shoes off.

Oh, yeah.

We've got to be sure
it's in top condition

for the big rally
Saturday at Pirate's Glen.

The rally? You mean
you want me to drive?

Oh, Rob, not you, me.

It's ladies only.

But I'd like to have
you in the pit, okay?

The pit!?

Fern, from the
day we got married,

you've done nothing
but argue with me.

Keep walking.

Yes, thank you. Yes, ma'am.

I'm leaving now, Mother.

All right, dear.

Oh, come here.

Jimmy, do you really
think I ought to keep this?

The colors are all
wrong for the room.

Mother, did you hear me?

I'm leaving now to pick up Lila.

It was only $15,000.

I hate to send it back.

Well, maybe I'll hang
it in the maid's room.

She likes fruit.

Forget that stupid painting.

Oh, you finally got a haircut.

Mother, you haven't forgotten

that I'm bringing
Lila home tonight

to meet you, have you?

Oh, well, of course
I haven't forgotten.

Cook has been spending

the whole day preparing dinner.

She has worked her
fingers to the bone.

Good, and you're going to be

very nice to her,
aren't you? What?

I mean, tonight is
going to be different,

isn't it, Mother?

"Different," dear?

Different than what?

Different from
all the other times

I've brought girls home.

Mother, it's got
to be different.

Tonight is very important to me.

Well, Jimmy, dear,
I don't understand.

What are you accusing me of?

Sabotage,
subversion, disruption.

Oh, my heavens.

You make me sound
like a commando.

You are a commando.

You're destroying my love life.

Every time I bring home
a girl I like, you get sick.

Oh, now, darling,
really, you're hysterical.

What has this girl done to you?

She hasn't done
anything, Mother.

But see what I mean?

You're already taking a
negative attitude toward her.

But to turn you against
your own mother.

She hasn't turned me
against anything, Mother.

It's just that I like her.

Well, I'm glad.

I like her a lot. Wonderful.

As a matter of fact, it's
possible that I love her.

Marvelous.

Oh. What's the matter?

Oh, nothing dear.

It'll pass.

Well, it better.

And before I bring Lila here.

You just don't want me
to get married, do you?

Admit it.

So you ruin it for me with
every girl I bring home.

Oh, that's just not true.

Oh, no? What about
Bonnie Simmons?

That cute little brunette I
brought home about a year ago?

Bonnie Simmons, oh, yes.

Did any good ever come of her?

I'd say. She married
my best friend.

Uh-huh, there, you see.

I saved you from
an ugly divorce.

Thanks a lot.

And what about Della Smith?

That cute little blonde
about two months ago?

Oh, yes, the little blonde.

You mean the pin girl
from the bowling alley?

Her family owned the
bowling alley, she worked there.

As a pin girl.

As a cocktail waitress.

Forgive me.

I introduced you and you
fainted right in her arms.

It was a pinched nerve.

It was a lot of nerve.

Nothing like that's going
to happen tonight, Mother.

You understand?

You are going to
be absolutely healthy

and on your best behavior.

'Cause I'm serious about Lila.

Deadly serious. So am I.

And I planned a lovely dinner.

We're going to have
chopped round steak

and mashed potatoes
with gravy and peas,

and for dessert, tapioca.

That sounds like
sort of plain food.

Well, she's
probably a plain girl.

I mean, you know,
I wouldn't want

rich food to turn her stomach.

Listen, Mother, I've got to
leave now to pick up Lila.

Mm-hmm. But I'm warning you.

No tricks tonight or
else, do you understand?

Or else, or else, all right.

I understand. I understand.

Good-bye, Mother.

Mother, what are you
doing with that pill box?

Well, you want me
to be healthy tonight.

So just to make sure,

I'm going to take
one of everything.

Your coat, Miss. Thank you.

Oh, gee, it's beautiful.

Why, it's just
like in the movies.

It was in the movies.

This room was used
in Philadelphia Story.

You're kidding?

Mm-mm, see the table?

Yes. Cary Grant
spilled coffee on it.

How exciting. Yeah.

They even paid us
$1,000 a day rent,

plus the money for the table.

My mother had a fit.

She's very meticulous
about everything.

Well, she sounds cute to me.

And I'm dying to meet her.

Hmm, I just hope she doesn't
die when she meets you.

What's the matter? Is she sick?

She better not be.

Well, I'm sure I'll love her.

Because I love her son.

And her son...

I mean, I love you.

Oh.

Mother, why are
you wearing a robe?

Well, I was cold, dear.

Then I was hot.

Then I was cold.

Mother, I'd like
you to meet Lila.

Remember, I told you about her?

Oh, oh, yes, of
course I remember.

Jimmy has said such
nice things about you.

I'm very happy to
meet you, Mrs. Devlin.

Likewise.

Mother.

Now, dear, don't worry about me.

I'll be just fine.

Cook will serve dinner and
you two eat and have fun.

I'll just...

I'll just lie down for a while.

Mother, I want you to know

that Lila and I love
each other very much.

What?

And I'm going to
ask her to marry me.

Oh.

Mother, will you cut it out?

Jimmy, she's sick.

No, she's faking
again. No, no, no, really.

Wait a minute. Just look at her.

She does look a little pale.

She does? I do?

What, what, what?

Just as I thought.
It's a little fast.

Fast, what do you mean fast?

What do you know about pulses?

Are you a nurse or something?

No, Mother, Lila's
a medical student.

She's going to be a doctor.

A doctor?

Oh... how proud
your mother must be.

Mrs. Devlin would you please
open the top of our robe?

Oh, yes, yes, with pleasure.

Oh, interesting,
very interesting.

What, Doctor, what?

Of course, I can't be sure

without a complete examination,

but I suspect that
you could be anemic.

"Anemic"? Yes.

Anemic with all our money.

Of course there
are probably other

complications as well.

But nothing too serious.

You're going to have to
watch yourself very carefully,

special diet, you
know, plenty of rest,

that sort of thing. Oh, yes.

Now, would you like
to have some dinner?

It's very important that you
don't miss any of your meals.

Well, we're just having

chopped round steak,
mashed potatoes and peas.

Very plain food.

Do you like plain food?

Why, yes, I do.

It's very good for you.

And exactly the thing
that you should be having.

Oh, yes, well, I suppose
I could get used to it.

Let me help you to the table.

I hope the round steak
isn't too well done.

Are you sure you're
all right, Mother?

Of course, dear, I'm all right.

Besides, we have a
doctor in the house.

Come along, let's eat.

Oh, Doctor, now tell me,

what are you going
to specialize in?

I certainly hope it
isn't dermatology

because I never have
anything wrong with my skin.

Penny for your thoughts, Garth.

Everybody hates a
cop until they need one.