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1
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Lamar loves to
be rocked to sleep.
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♪ Love, love ♪
3
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:23,788
♪ Love, love... ♪
4
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:26,591
♪ Love, American Style ♪
5
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,894
♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪
6
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:33,665
♪ Love, American Style ♪
7
00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:36,868
♪ That's me and you ♪
8
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:43,842
♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪
9
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,443
♪ You can rest ♪
10
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:51,049
♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪
11
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:55,254
♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪
12
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,356
♪ I will defend ♪
13
00:00:57,424 --> 00:01:01,459
♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪
14
00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:05,030
♪ Love, American Style ♪
15
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:07,399
♪ That's me and you. ♪
16
00:01:17,561 --> 00:01:19,606
Tonight, you will see
three separate views
17
00:01:19,630 --> 00:01:21,329
of love, American style...
18
00:01:21,398 --> 00:01:24,032
A partnership even
marriage can't disrupt,
19
00:01:24,101 --> 00:01:26,602
a young couple who
will learn to live and love,
20
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,682
and our first story
about a bridegroom
21
00:01:28,706 --> 00:01:30,806
with an eye for dollars called:
22
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,907
Well, here we are, sweetheart.
23
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,421
Hold it right there,
I'll find the light.
24
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,823
It's got to be here... ah.
25
00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:55,313
Steps, hold it, here we go.
26
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:57,282
Found it, found it.
27
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,750
Hold it just a second.
28
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,285
Well, here it is.
29
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,480
Isn't it terrific?
30
00:02:01,504 --> 00:02:03,805
Well, it's...
31
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,942
it's... it's a little
shabby, isn't it?
32
00:02:07,011 --> 00:02:08,037
Shabby?
33
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,656
Well, no, it's wonderful.
34
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,658
I mean, it's a real
mountain cabin.
35
00:02:11,682 --> 00:02:12,926
The perfect love nest... ha!
36
00:02:12,950 --> 00:02:14,377
Right in the middle
of gorgeous nature.
37
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:16,551
Oh, boy, it's the
perfect honeymoon spot.
38
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:18,186
And, sweetheart, just think...
39
00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:21,290
only $30 a week.
40
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:23,458
Well, I guess you're right.
41
00:02:23,527 --> 00:02:25,471
After all, we've got
everything we need.
42
00:02:25,495 --> 00:02:26,295
That's right.
43
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:28,230
And we are alone at last.
44
00:02:28,299 --> 00:02:29,809
Mm-hmm. We're all alone.
45
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:31,833
Yeah, I mean, who needs
Miami, know what I mean?
46
00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:33,635
Miami. Whoo!
47
00:02:33,703 --> 00:02:36,171
Miami $50-a-day rooms.
48
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,773
Two-dollar rum drinks.
49
00:02:38,842 --> 00:02:41,209
Floor shows, bellhops,
50
00:02:41,278 --> 00:02:43,578
nightclubs, taxicabs,
51
00:02:43,647 --> 00:02:45,447
and all those tips.
52
00:02:45,515 --> 00:02:47,049
You're right.
53
00:02:47,117 --> 00:02:49,784
Well, shall I, uh...
54
00:02:49,853 --> 00:02:52,520
change into something
more comfortable?
55
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:53,956
Sounds like a splendid idea.
56
00:02:54,024 --> 00:02:55,304
Right.
57
00:02:56,693 --> 00:02:59,928
Arnold... the handle fell off.
58
00:02:59,997 --> 00:03:01,408
Now don't you worry
about that, sweetheart.
59
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:02,797
We'll take it back.
60
00:03:02,866 --> 00:03:05,767
You can't, you
bought it wholesale.
61
00:03:05,836 --> 00:03:07,169
Well...
62
00:03:07,237 --> 00:03:09,504
wait'll you see this.
63
00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:14,343
Is that sexy?
64
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:16,428
Well, how much did it cost?
65
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:19,381
Oh, nothing; it
was a shower gift.
66
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:21,266
Oh! Sexy! Yeah.
67
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:23,668
I'll be right back.
68
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:24,903
All righty.
69
00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:39,267
No offense.
70
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,595
How you coming, sweetheart?
71
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:52,223
Just a few seconds, darling.
72
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,367
Put 'em up, Pete.
73
00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:58,403
One funny move,
74
00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,672
and I'll blow your head off.
75
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,874
Well, why?
76
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,155
Why? Uh-huh.
77
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:08,981
Why, you ain't Pete.
78
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,993
No, sir, I'm Arnold Pfister.
79
00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:13,435
Here I am, darling.
80
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:16,064
That's my wife, Mrs. Pfister.
81
00:04:16,973 --> 00:04:18,684
That's Pfister, with a P.
82
00:04:18,708 --> 00:04:21,593
Howdy, Mrs. Pfister.
83
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,396
I'm Bob O'Connors, the sheriff.
84
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,781
I think you kids
better get out of here.
85
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,810
Get out? No, sir,
you don't understand.
86
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:31,064
You see, we're on our honeymoon.
87
00:04:31,088 --> 00:04:33,721
Honeymoon in this dump?
88
00:04:33,790 --> 00:04:35,123
I don't know whether you've been
89
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,842
listening to the radio or not,
90
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,844
but Pete Crikey,
the bank robber,
91
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:42,380
escaped a couple of hours ago,
92
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:45,317
and he might be headed up here.
93
00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:47,280
Well, sir, why would
he come up here?
94
00:04:47,304 --> 00:04:49,849
Well, this used to
be his hideout. Oh.
95
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,773
And another reason is that,
96
00:04:51,841 --> 00:04:55,010
well, they never found the loot.
97
00:04:55,078 --> 00:04:57,946
And it might be hid
around here someplace.
98
00:04:58,015 --> 00:05:02,217
$75,000.
99
00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:06,755
$75,000?
100
00:05:06,823 --> 00:05:09,907
$75,000.
101
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,454
Oh, Arnold, do you
think we should leave?
102
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,555
Leave?
103
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,212
No, no. No.
104
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,714
Excuse me, sir.
105
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:18,416
What makes you think
that the loot is hidden here?
106
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:21,520
Oh, I don't know, it might be,
107
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:24,088
and then again it might not be.
108
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,424
But don't you folks worry.
109
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,593
I'll be hid out in the bushes,
110
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,995
and if he shows
up, I'll nab him.
111
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,182
You just sleep tight,
112
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:35,784
and happy dreams.
113
00:05:35,853 --> 00:05:39,154
Thank you.
114
00:05:39,223 --> 00:05:41,056
Happy honeymoon.
115
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:43,803
Arnold...
116
00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:45,304
do you think there's any risk?
117
00:05:45,328 --> 00:05:46,928
Risk? No. No.
118
00:05:46,997 --> 00:05:49,464
Well, we could leave.
119
00:05:49,532 --> 00:05:51,310
We could go to a motel.
120
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:52,467
And lose my deposit?
121
00:05:52,535 --> 00:05:54,769
I put a deposit on
this place, honey.
122
00:05:54,838 --> 00:05:57,572
Ten bucks.
123
00:05:57,641 --> 00:05:59,052
Arnold, what are
you looking for?
124
00:05:59,076 --> 00:06:00,124
Nothing.
125
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,227
It was kind of
interesting though,
126
00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:03,606
what the sheriff
said about this place.
127
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,564
I mean, the
possibility of the loot
128
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:09,067
being hidden here somewhere.
129
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:11,080
You're not thinking
about that, are you?
130
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,405
Well, of course not.
131
00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:14,634
Arnold. Hmm?
132
00:06:14,658 --> 00:06:16,491
Since there is no danger,
133
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,005
and since we are
going to stay here...
134
00:06:19,029 --> 00:06:20,695
Arnold? Yes, dear.
135
00:06:20,764 --> 00:06:22,175
Arnold? Hmm?
136
00:06:22,199 --> 00:06:24,244
Let's not forget it's
our wedding night.
137
00:06:24,268 --> 00:06:26,201
Who could possibly
forget a thing like that?
138
00:06:27,404 --> 00:06:28,684
Let's go to bed.
139
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:31,189
All righty.
140
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:33,236
It is kind of
exciting, you know,
141
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,571
the sheriff hiding
out in the bushes
142
00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:37,707
and the bank robber
somewhere about.
143
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,165
Yeah, it sure is, I...
144
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:45,086
Honey, does this
sound hollow to you?
145
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,522
Right here?
146
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,441
No.
147
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:56,014
It's a lovely, soft,
comfortable bed.
148
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,015
Oh, really? That's nice.
149
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,786
There's a lump in the mattress!
150
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,207
Sorry, honey, but look!
151
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:13,164
It's a frying pan.
152
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,232
Arnold, do you realize
you threw me right
153
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,367
out of the bed?
154
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,114
Well, sweetheart,
I said I was sorry.
155
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:21,523
Now why would he have hidden
a frying pan under the mattress?
156
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,157
Honey,
157
00:07:23,227 --> 00:07:25,827
do you suppose this
is gold melted down
158
00:07:25,895 --> 00:07:27,862
to look like a frying pan?
159
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:31,549
No, I think it's a plain,
ordinary iron skillet.
160
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,334
Now will you stop being
161
00:07:33,403 --> 00:07:35,336
so silly and get back into bed?
162
00:07:35,405 --> 00:07:37,965
Oh, sweetheart,
you're absolutely right.
163
00:07:39,442 --> 00:07:42,002
Here, darling, I'll help.
164
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:46,031
Oh, Arnold... I love you.
165
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,532
And I love...
166
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,367
Honey. What?
167
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:51,369
There's a...
168
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:53,817
there's a lump in the pillow.
169
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,773
What?
170
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,153
Hey baby, do you have a knife?
171
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,421
Never mind, I'll
use my bare hands.
172
00:07:58,445 --> 00:07:59,711
Oh, no, Arnold, no, Arnold!
173
00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,557
There's a lump in
here, I've got it, baby!
174
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:03,514
I've got it! Look! What is it?
175
00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:05,183
It's a lump.
176
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,896
Feathers and string and...
177
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,354
Arnold, you...
178
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:11,389
you have to stop
thinking about that money.
179
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:12,936
Sweetheart, you're
right, it's stupid.
180
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,259
You know, I just have
to get it out of my head.
181
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,306
I mean, after all, there
are more important things
182
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,746
in this world than money.
183
00:08:18,815 --> 00:08:21,233
Oh, now that's the
Arnold I married talking.
184
00:08:22,885 --> 00:08:25,153
Here.
185
00:08:25,222 --> 00:08:27,655
Mmm.
186
00:08:28,992 --> 00:08:30,926
Listen, honey,
187
00:08:30,994 --> 00:08:32,638
I mean, what am I kidding about?
188
00:08:32,662 --> 00:08:34,307
I'm really thinking
of the money.
189
00:08:34,331 --> 00:08:35,574
But sweetheart, it's important.
190
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,576
I mean, just think... $75,000.
191
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,600
Wow.
192
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,121
Honey?
193
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,456
We're going to spend
a lot of nights together,
194
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,670
but you see money like
this once in a lifetime.
195
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:50,644
This is a chance a
man just can't give up.
196
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,606
Honey? Honey?
197
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:03,341
This board is loose.
198
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,054
The board, it's,
it's loose, look!
199
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,289
The paneling! Arnold...
200
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,790
It comes out. what
are you doing?
201
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:09,492
Honey, hold this. Honey, stop...
202
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,893
You'll destroy the whole cabin.
203
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,850
Sweetheart, we can
always put it back.
204
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:15,598
Ah!
205
00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:16,622
A flashlight!
206
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,000
Get me a flashlight, quick!
207
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,123
Quick, honey!
208
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,391
The flashlight!
209
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:21,671
Here.
210
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,839
Honey, look, it's a box.
211
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,174
It's something in the wall.
212
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:26,292
It's the box.
213
00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:27,649
It's a box.
214
00:09:27,718 --> 00:09:28,916
This could be it.
215
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,918
This could be it!
216
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,921
I found it.
217
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,490
I found it.
218
00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:37,492
Isn't that beautiful,
gorgeous, exquisite?
219
00:09:37,561 --> 00:09:39,038
Arnold! What, darling?
220
00:09:39,062 --> 00:09:40,440
Control yourself, dear.
221
00:09:40,464 --> 00:09:41,729
I'm a rich man.
222
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,597
I am a rich man.
223
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:45,160
Eileen, you've
married a rich man.
224
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:48,236
Arnold, you have to
give that money back.
225
00:09:48,304 --> 00:09:50,238
What?
226
00:09:50,307 --> 00:09:52,373
If you ever utter a
word about this...
227
00:09:52,442 --> 00:09:54,742
No, no, I'm not
going to give it back.
228
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,488
Arnold, you give that back
229
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:57,990
or you and I are through.
230
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,280
No, honey, don't be silly.
231
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:02,283
Hey, I tell you what,
we'll split it 60-40.
232
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,952
What?!
233
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,954
Well, after all, I found it.
234
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,621
What's up?
235
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,668
Oh, Sheriff Connors...
236
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,960
I saw the flashlight
waving around.
237
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,006
I figure you were
trying to signal me.
238
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,310
Well, yes, uh,
239
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,076
my husband found
the money in the wall.
240
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,928
Didn't you, dear?
241
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,096
Well,
242
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,786
how about that?
243
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,171
That's great.
244
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,505
Yeah.
245
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,027
Let me see here.
246
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,045
Well...
247
00:10:31,114 --> 00:10:33,674
Yeah, that's it, all right.
248
00:10:34,451 --> 00:10:38,803
Well, I just got a call on
the radio a minute ago
249
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,905
that they, that they got Pete,
250
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,907
so that washes that up.
251
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,576
Now I can go home
and get some sleep.
252
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,022
Oh, isn't that nice?
253
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,774
Yeah, well, I'm not going
254
00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:50,009
to hang around here.
255
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:52,817
I know you two are
on your honeymoon.
256
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,859
You're real nice folks.
257
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:04,378
It ain't everybody that'd
have been that honest.
258
00:11:04,448 --> 00:11:06,397
Good night.
259
00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:08,399
Good night.
260
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,068
Arnold...
261
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,070
Arnold? Yeah?
262
00:11:13,139 --> 00:11:14,438
Arnold,
263
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,986
you just have a little
problem, that's all.
264
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,570
A little problem with money.
265
00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:20,923
Yeah, honey, I
guess you're right.
266
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,981
It's just that I flipped
when I saw that money.
267
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,983
I... it felt so great.
268
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:27,819
I... I... I just didn't
know what I was saying.
269
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,654
I know, I know.
270
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,701
And we can work
it all out in time.
271
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,035
Really? Yes.
272
00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:34,537
Now come on, let's go to bed.
273
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,060
Come on.
274
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,273
Come on, darling.
275
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:41,048
Come on now, we'll go to bed.
276
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:44,485
There... just lay down.
277
00:11:44,554 --> 00:11:46,487
Okay? Yeah.
278
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,493
Oh.
279
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,862
You know, sweetheart...
280
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,652
Yes, darling?
281
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,200
That didn't look like $75,000.
282
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,824
More like $40 or $50.
283
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:10,328
There could be another
$20 or $30,000 around here.
284
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,829
That's it!
285
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,876
He wouldn't hide
it all in one place.
286
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,935
No sirree, Pete's
too clever for that.
287
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:32,050
A penny for your thoughts, Buzz?
288
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:10,888
Now, Tippy, honey, come on.
289
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,090
Don't be like that.
290
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,059
It's nothing to get upset over.
291
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,061
It's not important, honey.
292
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:19,931
Tippy, I'm sorry,
293
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,777
but I just can't
use you anymore.
294
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,168
Now, look,
295
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,952
I specialize in juniors.
296
00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:26,865
In the past year,
you've blown up
297
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,389
from 97 pounds to 110.
298
00:13:28,458 --> 00:13:29,624
Honey, face it.
299
00:13:29,692 --> 00:13:31,926
You're just not
a junior anymore.
300
00:13:31,994 --> 00:13:33,127
As your
301
00:13:33,196 --> 00:13:36,130
husband, I love it,
302
00:13:36,199 --> 00:13:39,434
but as your photographer,
I'm afraid you're...
303
00:13:39,502 --> 00:13:40,868
uh, overdeveloped.
304
00:13:40,937 --> 00:13:44,155
Look, honey...
305
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,569
Honey, if you'd just...
306
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,142
Tippy!
307
00:13:48,211 --> 00:13:50,377
Tippy!
308
00:13:50,446 --> 00:13:52,396
Come on, honey.
309
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,570
Sweetheart, I just
take the pictures.
310
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,205
I don't set the styles.
311
00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:03,574
And this year, the styles
are younger than ever.
312
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,488
It's no makeup,
the little jumpers,
313
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,644
little girls clothes.
314
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:08,195
It's the infant look.
315
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:11,632
And let's be honest, honey...
Without makeup, you look 20.
316
00:14:11,701 --> 00:14:13,634
I'm sorry.
317
00:14:15,171 --> 00:14:17,872
All right, let's not be honest.
318
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:22,894
Maybe I'll go back to
taking passport pictures.
319
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,767
Now, honey...
320
00:14:30,854 --> 00:14:33,570
Look, can't we talk this over
321
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:36,740
like the bright,
intelligent, sensible...
322
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:39,310
childish person you are?
323
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,012
Now, open this door.
324
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,647
You open this door this
minute, or I'm going to...
325
00:14:45,184 --> 00:14:47,263
I'm not going to do
anything, that's what,
326
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,552
because I just don't care.
327
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:51,555
You can stay in there
and suffocate for all I care.
328
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,094
Tippy, come out.
329
00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:58,513
You're going to suffocate.
330
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,700
Look, if you, uh, come out,
331
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:05,669
I promise not to yell at you.
332
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,738
I won't even talk to you.
333
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,675
You'd think the way
the girl carries on,
334
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,555
I was the only
photographer in town.
335
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,729
You'd think
336
00:15:14,797 --> 00:15:16,096
that she'd have sense enough
337
00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:18,650
to move on up to
the next plateau.
338
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,252
You'd think she'd face the fact
339
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,854
that her teens are behind
her and be a woman.
340
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,013
So, I'm over the hill, am I?
341
00:15:32,082 --> 00:15:33,347
Did I say that?
342
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:35,532
If you didn't, you
were thinking it.
343
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,436
Hi. I'm Gina.
344
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,291
Mr. Harrison,
345
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,326
the infant is here.
346
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,219
Did I say something wrong?
347
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,687
No, it wasn't you.
348
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:58,567
All I said was, "Hi. I'm Gina."
349
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,224
Well, sometime that's enough.
350
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,371
Would you like me
to come back later?
351
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,561
No, come in quick.
352
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,079
You're getting
older by the second.
353
00:16:10,286 --> 00:16:13,621
If you're over the hill, you
know where that leaves me?
354
00:16:13,690 --> 00:16:15,055
Death Valley.
355
00:16:15,124 --> 00:16:17,035
You think I should
count my blessings?
356
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,326
Would you rather count mine?
357
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:21,429
Maxine,
358
00:16:21,497 --> 00:16:23,575
I do have some crow's feet.
359
00:16:23,599 --> 00:16:25,165
I have a duck body.
360
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:27,968
It's all the way you
waddle, my dear.
361
00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:29,403
Hello, my children.
362
00:16:29,472 --> 00:16:30,988
Peace.
363
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:32,701
May peace be with you all.
364
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,206
And to you, my dear,
365
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:37,439
may the bird of paradise
drop sesame seeds
366
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,174
on your fruit salad.
367
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,532
So interesting
368
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,651
looking at you through this.
369
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,886
You're five times as ugly.
370
00:16:45,955 --> 00:16:50,190
Hmm. Thank you, Miss
Live Bait Barge of 1912.
371
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:51,704
Don't be hostile, my dear.
372
00:16:51,728 --> 00:16:53,026
I am beautiful.
373
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:54,528
I've got soul.
374
00:16:54,597 --> 00:16:56,408
And how are you, Tippy, my dear?
375
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:57,610
Rotten. Good, good.
376
00:16:57,634 --> 00:16:59,967
Punjab, she says
she's rotten, rotten.
377
00:17:00,035 --> 00:17:01,269
Don't you listen?
378
00:17:01,337 --> 00:17:02,715
Rotten ain't bad, sweetheart.
379
00:17:02,739 --> 00:17:04,450
Not as bad as bored.
380
00:17:06,175 --> 00:17:07,486
What is it, Tippy?
381
00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:08,920
Tell Punjab where it hurts.
382
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,612
Well, it hurts in my
marriage, that's where it hurts.
383
00:17:11,681 --> 00:17:12,780
Oh, come on, baby.
384
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:14,615
You and Biff have
a groovy marriage.
385
00:17:14,684 --> 00:17:16,984
I ought to know, because
I introduced you myself
386
00:17:17,052 --> 00:17:18,452
on this very spot.
387
00:17:18,521 --> 00:17:20,537
Yeah, most marriages
are made in heaven.
388
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,407
Yours was made in a head shop.
389
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,493
Very funny.
390
00:17:25,561 --> 00:17:27,928
Whatever it is, it'll be
made better by time.
391
00:17:27,997 --> 00:17:30,531
Time is the great
improver of all things.
392
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:31,832
Look at me.
393
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:33,868
Time has made me
immortally beautiful.
394
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,805
And time has made me old.
395
00:17:37,874 --> 00:17:39,290
She's not a junior anymore.
396
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,375
Oh?
397
00:17:41,443 --> 00:17:42,576
Biff has a new model.
398
00:17:44,047 --> 00:17:45,463
So?
399
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:46,931
So?
400
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:49,600
So, that's what brought
us together in the first place.
401
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:52,103
We lived together, loved
together, worked together.
402
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,871
Now he doesn't need me anymore.
403
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,322
So what?
404
00:17:55,391 --> 00:17:57,975
You can still live
together and love together.
405
00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:00,327
Working together is nothing.
406
00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:02,713
Even I can get a
guy to work with.
407
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,526
Hey, you're right, Meg.
408
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:06,117
You know, she's right.
409
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,569
You know, when your best
friends don't understand you...
410
00:18:08,637 --> 00:18:10,849
If you guys don't
understand me, then I-I...
411
00:18:10,873 --> 00:18:12,384
Now, no, wait a minute, baby.
412
00:18:12,408 --> 00:18:14,375
Don't get so uptight,
huh? Come on.
413
00:18:14,443 --> 00:18:15,876
Now, listen, for openers,
414
00:18:15,944 --> 00:18:18,311
if it's marriage,
it can't be all bad.
415
00:18:18,380 --> 00:18:19,830
Well, it can if it's empty.
416
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,098
You kids have only
417
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:22,327
been married a year.
418
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,652
How empty can a
thing get in a year?
419
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:25,930
Don't agree with me, please?
420
00:18:25,954 --> 00:18:27,633
It gives us too much in common.
421
00:18:27,657 --> 00:18:30,975
Look, Tippy, I always had
it figured that you and Biff
422
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:32,538
were going to make it somehow.
423
00:18:32,562 --> 00:18:34,957
You had that great knack
of laughing at yourselves.
424
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:36,664
Yeah.
425
00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:38,933
You've never let an
argument get out of hand.
426
00:18:39,001 --> 00:18:41,569
Always a little joke,
and always a little laugh.
427
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:43,265
Yeah, I remember
those days, too.
428
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,255
Hey, now, wait a minute, honey.
429
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,303
You're too young
to live in the past.
430
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,694
Oh! I'm too old to
live in the present.
431
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:50,928
So what?
432
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:52,630
So you'll be
somebody else's model.
433
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:53,814
It will probably
434
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,027
be a lot better for
you, too, to get away
435
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,196
from each other for
a day, once in a while.
436
00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:01,055
At night, you'll have
more to talk about.
437
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,273
That's true.
438
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,541
Tippy, the first year
439
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,042
of marriage is
always the roughest.
440
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:06,243
The truth is,
441
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,824
you kids haven't got
to know each other yet.
442
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,248
It's ridiculous to divorce
someone you don't even know.
443
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,766
Hey,
444
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,069
now why don't you
give it another shot, huh?
445
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:17,455
Tell me, what would
you like me to do?
446
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:19,223
Crawl back on my hands and knees
447
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:21,036
and say, "Oh,
Biff, I'm so sorry"?
448
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:22,209
No, man.
449
00:19:22,278 --> 00:19:24,878
Just walk in and
say, "Biff, I'm sorry."
450
00:19:24,948 --> 00:19:26,414
I will not!
451
00:19:26,482 --> 00:19:27,648
I'm not sorry.
452
00:19:27,716 --> 00:19:29,016
I didn't do anything wrong.
453
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,318
I have nothing to apologize.
454
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:31,551
Will you cool it?
455
00:19:31,621 --> 00:19:34,321
It's unimportant
who did what to who.
456
00:19:34,389 --> 00:19:37,191
It's also unimportant
who says I'm sorry.
457
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,760
Now the important thing
is that somebody says it.
458
00:19:39,828 --> 00:19:41,078
Think of the
459
00:19:41,130 --> 00:19:42,496
fun you'll have making up.
460
00:19:42,564 --> 00:19:43,897
It's almost worth the fight.
461
00:19:43,966 --> 00:19:45,132
Isn't it?
462
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:49,470
Well...
463
00:19:49,539 --> 00:19:52,506
Maybe what I need is violets.
464
00:19:52,575 --> 00:19:55,542
Oh!
465
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:59,430
Yeah! Sure!
466
00:19:59,482 --> 00:20:03,351
Biff gave me a bunch of
violets when we got married.
467
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:07,488
A bunch of sweet,
old-fashioned violets.
468
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,785
Oh. Listen, if that's
all it takes, why not?
469
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:10,908
Ah. Max.
470
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,076
Huh?
471
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,622
Find a beautiful
bunch of violets
472
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,829
for our fading, little flower.
473
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:37,985
That's it. Oh.
474
00:20:38,053 --> 00:20:39,353
Okay, dear, relax.
475
00:20:39,421 --> 00:20:40,699
Uh, Biff, you have, um...
476
00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:42,683
You have a minute
for your old wife?
477
00:20:42,725 --> 00:20:43,924
Yeah, sure, honey.
478
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,894
I'm... I'm sorry about
the tantrum earlier.
479
00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:48,095
Forget it.
480
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,307
No, really.
481
00:20:50,566 --> 00:20:52,143
I've got a rotten temper.
482
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:55,169
I'm self-centered,
melodramatic and petty.
483
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:56,932
Well, darling, those are
the little imperfections
484
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,455
that make you perfect.
485
00:20:59,876 --> 00:21:01,008
Thanks.
486
00:21:01,076 --> 00:21:02,977
What did you think
of the session?
487
00:21:03,045 --> 00:21:05,713
Uh... well, I-I thought
488
00:21:05,781 --> 00:21:08,949
it was, um, nice and loose.
489
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:10,261
But the, uh...
490
00:21:10,285 --> 00:21:12,464
The teddy bear's
a little bit precious.
491
00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:13,921
You know, that's what I thought.
492
00:21:13,990 --> 00:21:17,274
I just can't seem to get
the feel of it. If I... Biff.
493
00:21:17,343 --> 00:21:19,037
Biff, I have something
to show you.
494
00:21:19,061 --> 00:21:20,861
You know, we
could use a pennant.
495
00:21:20,929 --> 00:21:22,195
No, that's too cliché.
496
00:21:22,264 --> 00:21:23,642
Biff, would you please listen?
497
00:21:23,666 --> 00:21:25,131
I... I'm sorry, honey.
498
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,333
Y-Yes, speak.
499
00:21:26,402 --> 00:21:27,701
What is it?
500
00:21:27,770 --> 00:21:31,021
Well, I-I have
something to show you.
501
00:21:31,089 --> 00:21:33,649
Something just right
for a new beginning.
502
00:21:37,580 --> 00:21:38,829
Perfect.
503
00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:40,025
Oh!
504
00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:41,559
Oh, I knew you'd love 'em.
505
00:21:41,583 --> 00:21:43,483
Honey, I do, I do.
506
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,802
It's just the corny prop we
need to get this shot. Now,
507
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,950
Gina, you forget all
about old Bruce... forget
508
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:50,040
all about that...
and hold those.
509
00:21:50,109 --> 00:21:52,325
Yeah. They're kind of
corny, but they're sentimental.
510
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,339
They remind you of home.
511
00:21:54,363 --> 00:21:55,495
That's right.
512
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:58,165
Did you ever get the
feeling that you wanted to go,
513
00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:01,168
but you still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay, huh?
514
00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:02,447
Or go?
515
00:22:02,471 --> 00:22:04,738
Or stay?
516
00:22:04,807 --> 00:22:06,223
What...? Hey...
517
00:22:06,292 --> 00:22:08,726
What-What... What are you doing?
518
00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:10,294
I'm going.
519
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:12,997
You're going?
520
00:22:13,066 --> 00:22:16,583
Why don't you stick
around a minute, honey?
521
00:22:16,652 --> 00:22:17,701
You're packing?
522
00:22:17,769 --> 00:22:19,886
You're...
523
00:22:19,955 --> 00:22:21,822
You're sore. Why?
524
00:22:21,890 --> 00:22:24,591
Never mind. Just...
525
00:22:24,660 --> 00:22:27,044
Listen, do you know
that you're bewildering?
526
00:22:27,113 --> 00:22:28,790
You got a rotten temper.
527
00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:31,060
You're self-centered,
you're indulgent.
528
00:22:31,084 --> 00:22:32,995
You're-You're melodramatic.
529
00:22:33,019 --> 00:22:34,251
Oh, sure, sure.
530
00:22:34,319 --> 00:22:36,565
Just a minute ago, those
were the little imperfections
531
00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:37,838
that made me perfect.
532
00:22:37,906 --> 00:22:39,551
Well, I learned
a lot in a minute.
533
00:22:41,343 --> 00:22:42,893
Oh, now you're going to cry?
534
00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:44,423
Well, please
don't. Just stop it.
535
00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:45,645
I'm sick of your tantrums,
536
00:22:45,714 --> 00:22:47,475
and I'm sick of
your self-indulgence.
537
00:22:47,499 --> 00:22:50,133
I want a divorce.
538
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:51,902
You want a divorce?
539
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:53,920
How do I do that?
540
00:22:53,989 --> 00:22:54,638
What?
541
00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:55,739
What?
542
00:22:55,807 --> 00:22:58,959
Well, I can do melodramatic,
543
00:22:59,028 --> 00:23:01,028
insensitive, childish,
544
00:23:01,096 --> 00:23:03,246
but how do I do,
"I want a divorce"?
545
00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:07,484
No, uh, Gina,
546
00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:09,247
you don't understand.
This isn't for you.
547
00:23:09,271 --> 00:23:11,672
Oh. You want me to
go? Am I all through?
548
00:23:11,740 --> 00:23:13,018
Yeah, honey.
549
00:23:13,042 --> 00:23:14,819
You go, and you come
on back tomorrow, all right?
550
00:23:14,843 --> 00:23:16,827
Well, all right.
551
00:23:22,151 --> 00:23:24,685
I just want to say one
thing, Mr. Harrison:
552
00:23:24,753 --> 00:23:26,320
There's not a model in town
553
00:23:26,389 --> 00:23:28,269
that can do a
divorce expression.
554
00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:30,423
It's too vague.
555
00:23:32,845 --> 00:23:34,779
All right.
556
00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:37,597
If you want a divorce,
you've got one.
557
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,511
Well, you want
one, too, don't you?
558
00:23:39,535 --> 00:23:41,068
Absolutely.
559
00:23:41,136 --> 00:23:43,216
No broken marriage
should be without one.
560
00:23:45,357 --> 00:23:47,524
Well, I guess, uh,
561
00:23:47,593 --> 00:23:50,911
the next thing to do
is contact a lawyer.
562
00:23:50,980 --> 00:23:52,412
That's fine with me.
563
00:23:52,481 --> 00:23:54,361
What grounds
should we get it on?
564
00:23:54,416 --> 00:23:58,252
On the grounds that
you're impossible.
565
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,637
You took the grounds
right out of my mouth.
566
00:24:01,741 --> 00:24:03,274
Biff, listen.
567
00:24:03,342 --> 00:24:06,143
If there's any respect
between us at all, I think we...
568
00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:08,378
we should at least
be civilized about this.
569
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,391
Oh, by all means,
let's be civilized.
570
00:24:10,415 --> 00:24:12,699
Divorce doesn't
exist among the apes.
571
00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:17,621
I was too young to get
married in the first place.
572
00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:19,623
We were both too young.
573
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,861
It's over, and,
uh, and that's that.
574
00:24:23,930 --> 00:24:25,429
You're right.
575
00:24:25,497 --> 00:24:27,231
Nothing's lost.
576
00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:30,551
There are no children,
no tantrums, no traumas.
577
00:24:30,620 --> 00:24:33,003
Nobody's scarred for life.
578
00:24:33,071 --> 00:24:35,322
It's been a year
of fun and games.
579
00:24:35,391 --> 00:24:37,458
Not a marriage, really.
580
00:24:37,526 --> 00:24:38,992
More like a laugh-in.
581
00:24:40,529 --> 00:24:43,397
Well, in ten years, we probably
won't even recognize each other
582
00:24:43,466 --> 00:24:44,865
on the street.
583
00:24:44,934 --> 00:24:46,216
Fine.
584
00:24:46,285 --> 00:24:49,436
You're beginning to look a
little strange to me even now.
585
00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:56,975
Excuse me, would you?
586
00:25:00,199 --> 00:25:02,377
Where are you going with those?
587
00:25:02,401 --> 00:25:04,050
Well, I'm taking them with me.
588
00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:05,569
Those are my swimming medals.
589
00:25:05,638 --> 00:25:08,572
I spent 15 years with nose
plugs getting those medals.
590
00:25:08,641 --> 00:25:11,475
Yes, but you gave them to
me as an engagement present.
591
00:25:11,544 --> 00:25:12,743
They're mine.
592
00:25:12,812 --> 00:25:13,892
When you get a divorce,
593
00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:15,140
that automatically
breaks the engagement.
594
00:25:15,164 --> 00:25:17,748
Take your crummy medals.
595
00:25:17,817 --> 00:25:19,327
None of them was
for first place anyway.
596
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:22,920
Now look, let's stop this
middle-class nonsense.
597
00:25:24,490 --> 00:25:26,924
A settlement should be
easy, since we're broke.
598
00:25:26,993 --> 00:25:28,470
All I want's the
photography equipment.
599
00:25:28,494 --> 00:25:30,427
Oh, sure.
600
00:25:30,496 --> 00:25:33,764
Sure, every penny we've got is
in the photography equipment.
601
00:25:33,833 --> 00:25:35,632
Even my modeling fees.
602
00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:38,519
Well, then let's just sell
everything and split the money.
603
00:25:38,587 --> 00:25:40,921
All right.
604
00:25:42,491 --> 00:25:44,909
We'll have a divorce sale.
605
00:25:44,977 --> 00:25:47,377
No, why don't we just sell
everything and split the money.
606
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:51,415
Well, that is a divorce sale.
607
00:25:51,483 --> 00:25:53,144
Oh, yeah, oh, you're right.
608
00:25:53,168 --> 00:25:54,379
Right, let's have
a divorce sale.
609
00:25:54,403 --> 00:25:55,768
I'll put an ad in the paper,
610
00:25:55,837 --> 00:25:57,165
"Young couple going
out of business."
611
00:25:57,189 --> 00:25:59,789
Okay?
612
00:25:59,858 --> 00:26:01,791
Okay.
613
00:26:02,995 --> 00:26:05,879
Shake on it.
614
00:26:05,947 --> 00:26:07,514
Don't worry, you'll
get your hand back.
615
00:26:07,582 --> 00:26:09,516
It's part of your settlement.
616
00:26:36,495 --> 00:26:37,639
Uh, excuse me.
617
00:26:37,663 --> 00:26:39,074
Can I see you for a second?
618
00:26:39,098 --> 00:26:40,864
Excuse me. Yeah?
619
00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:43,267
How much is the
after shave lotion?
620
00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:44,368
50 cents.
621
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:46,481
Can we open it
to see if I like it?
622
00:26:46,505 --> 00:26:48,383
Sure, go ahead. Just a second.
623
00:26:48,407 --> 00:26:52,075
This is my after shave
lotion and it's not for sale.
624
00:26:52,144 --> 00:26:53,838
The marriage may be over,
625
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,196
but my beard goes on forever.
626
00:26:58,300 --> 00:27:00,667
Delightful, isn't he?
627
00:27:00,736 --> 00:27:03,296
Department stores sure
ain't what they used to be.
628
00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:08,391
Pardon me, miss, is this
the bus for Lotus Land?
629
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,272
If you're here to buy
something, you're welcome.
630
00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:12,062
But if you're going
to lecture, forget it.
631
00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:13,630
We're here to shoplift.
632
00:27:13,699 --> 00:27:15,799
That's right.
633
00:27:15,868 --> 00:27:17,484
Nice, very nice.
634
00:27:17,553 --> 00:27:19,252
Thank you.
635
00:27:19,321 --> 00:27:22,489
Man, it's like, love
is really something.
636
00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:24,703
You know, daddy,
when you got love,
637
00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:26,070
you got what it's all about.
638
00:27:26,094 --> 00:27:27,238
You dig me, boy?
639
00:27:27,262 --> 00:27:28,962
Punjab, do me a favor.
640
00:27:29,031 --> 00:27:31,298
Yeah? Buy something.
641
00:27:32,434 --> 00:27:34,518
Oh, this is very nice.
642
00:27:34,586 --> 00:27:36,231
Yes, it's genuine porcelain.
643
00:27:36,255 --> 00:27:37,354
Excuse me.
644
00:27:37,423 --> 00:27:40,140
May I see the price
on that? Uh-huh.
645
00:27:40,209 --> 00:27:42,458
Tippy, I thought we
agreed this would be $5.
646
00:27:42,527 --> 00:27:45,845
Well, I changed my mind.
647
00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:47,047
It's a little used
648
00:27:47,116 --> 00:27:49,310
and I think $3.50
would be a fairer price.
649
00:27:49,334 --> 00:27:51,167
Don't tell me what's fair.
650
00:27:51,236 --> 00:27:52,619
Sir, it's $5.00.
651
00:27:52,687 --> 00:27:53,886
$3.50.
652
00:27:53,955 --> 00:27:56,156
I bought this pitcher
with my own money.
653
00:27:56,225 --> 00:27:58,825
Money you made
using me as your model.
654
00:27:58,893 --> 00:27:59,959
Will you give me that?
655
00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:06,884
What are you asking for it now?
656
00:28:08,453 --> 00:28:10,721
Next time you
have a divorce sale,
657
00:28:10,789 --> 00:28:12,088
have it with somebody else.
658
00:28:12,157 --> 00:28:14,991
Believe me, this
is my first marriage,
659
00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:16,493
but it's my last divorce.
660
00:28:22,468 --> 00:28:24,912
Is this the divorce
sale advertised
661
00:28:24,936 --> 00:28:26,798
in the underground
newspaper? Yes, ma'am, it is.
662
00:28:26,822 --> 00:28:28,906
Oh, wonderful.
663
00:28:28,974 --> 00:28:32,292
Do you have a good,
used water pipe?
664
00:28:33,963 --> 00:28:36,246
Well, I don't know, ma'am;
why don't you come in
665
00:28:36,315 --> 00:28:38,248
and look around?
Oh, well, thank you.
666
00:28:38,316 --> 00:28:39,766
Rosa.
667
00:28:39,834 --> 00:28:41,751
Come on, dear.
668
00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:43,653
This is it.
669
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:46,423
Oh, I do love
these hippie sales.
670
00:28:50,578 --> 00:28:53,580
On our honeymoon, Biff and
I hitchhiked through Europe.
671
00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:55,627
And every place we
stayed we took a key
672
00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:56,931
and we made this.
673
00:28:56,969 --> 00:28:59,385
How dull.
674
00:29:01,006 --> 00:29:02,489
Well, it wasn't then.
675
00:29:04,359 --> 00:29:07,877
Um... how about, uh...
676
00:29:07,947 --> 00:29:10,546
how about something in
the way of elephant bells.
677
00:29:10,615 --> 00:29:13,433
There is nothing "in the
way of elephant bells."
678
00:29:13,502 --> 00:29:15,668
Either you've got
one or you haven't.
679
00:29:18,207 --> 00:29:19,355
I'm sorry, bubby,
680
00:29:19,424 --> 00:29:21,224
but I just can't let
you buy this table.
681
00:29:21,293 --> 00:29:23,671
Uh, Punjab, he's
offering me $25.
682
00:29:23,695 --> 00:29:25,945
I'll give you $30.
683
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:27,464
$31.50.
684
00:29:27,532 --> 00:29:29,733
Debbie.
685
00:29:29,802 --> 00:29:31,418
$31.50.
686
00:29:31,486 --> 00:29:34,054
I gave them this table, right
out of my own joint, downstairs.
687
00:29:34,122 --> 00:29:35,722
See? My initials
are still carved in it.
688
00:29:35,791 --> 00:29:37,991
"PJ"... Punjab.
689
00:29:38,060 --> 00:29:39,676
All these scratches...
690
00:29:39,744 --> 00:29:42,078
The scratches?
691
00:29:42,147 --> 00:29:43,724
Well, on the day
we were married,
692
00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:46,549
all our friends carved
their initials in that table.
693
00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:50,904
Actually, it meant a
lot to me at the time.
694
00:29:50,972 --> 00:29:53,407
Actually, I sold the portrait
695
00:29:53,475 --> 00:29:55,909
to buy him a tripod
for his camera.
696
00:29:55,977 --> 00:29:59,846
But, uh, I'm afraid our
timing was off, as usual.
697
00:29:59,915 --> 00:30:01,698
Aw...
698
00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:05,435
So I sold the camera
to buy her the dress.
699
00:30:05,503 --> 00:30:08,638
It's over and that's that.
700
00:30:08,707 --> 00:30:10,134
It's not a marriage, really.
701
00:30:10,158 --> 00:30:12,169
It's been a year
of fun and games.
702
00:30:12,193 --> 00:30:13,960
In ten years, we
probably won't even
703
00:30:14,028 --> 00:30:15,629
recognize each
other on the street.
704
00:30:15,697 --> 00:30:16,941
You're beginning to look
705
00:30:16,965 --> 00:30:19,077
a little strange to me even now.
706
00:30:26,358 --> 00:30:28,292
Well, that's it.
707
00:30:30,362 --> 00:30:33,797
Everything's gone.
708
00:30:33,865 --> 00:30:36,010
Everything except the bed.
709
00:30:36,034 --> 00:30:39,035
Yeah.
710
00:30:39,104 --> 00:30:40,470
Couldn't you get rid of it?
711
00:30:40,539 --> 00:30:43,239
Well, I, uh... to
tell you the truth,
712
00:30:43,308 --> 00:30:46,442
I, uh, I just didn't
think about it.
713
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:49,246
I didn't even think about it.
714
00:30:49,314 --> 00:30:51,481
Neither did I.
715
00:30:51,549 --> 00:30:54,584
Well, I guess not
many people need beds.
716
00:30:54,652 --> 00:30:57,254
Anyway, this one's
kind of old-fashioned.
717
00:30:57,322 --> 00:31:01,557
Yeah, it's a hard thing to sell.
718
00:31:09,334 --> 00:31:11,768
I must be in the wrong place.
719
00:31:11,837 --> 00:31:12,769
That all depends.
720
00:31:12,838 --> 00:31:14,104
What are you looking for?
721
00:31:14,173 --> 00:31:17,174
Well, I heard some crazy
kids were having a divorce sale.
722
00:31:17,242 --> 00:31:19,676
It's funny, the way they
get married these days.
723
00:31:19,745 --> 00:31:21,210
In and out, like a car wash.
724
00:31:22,831 --> 00:31:24,347
I'm in the junk business.
725
00:31:25,634 --> 00:31:26,928
Well, I'm afraid
you're too late.
726
00:31:26,952 --> 00:31:28,284
All the junk is gone.
727
00:31:28,353 --> 00:31:31,571
Oh, this is the place.
728
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,652
Well, the apartment's
the only thing left.
729
00:31:33,676 --> 00:31:34,941
That'll be for rent shortly.
730
00:31:35,010 --> 00:31:36,926
Why don't you just stick around?
731
00:31:36,995 --> 00:31:38,578
What about the bed?
732
00:31:38,647 --> 00:31:41,081
The bed?
733
00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:51,975
I'll give you 12 bucks for it.
734
00:31:52,044 --> 00:31:53,443
12 bucks?
735
00:31:53,511 --> 00:31:54,511
Take it or leave it.
736
00:31:54,563 --> 00:31:57,314
This bed cost over $100.
737
00:31:57,382 --> 00:31:58,331
That's about right.
738
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:00,616
$100 new.
739
00:32:00,685 --> 00:32:02,602
Now it's junk... $12.
740
00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:05,906
Look, a lot of living
went in to this bed.
741
00:32:05,974 --> 00:32:08,492
This is our honeymoon bed.
742
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,727
I'm too old to listen
to these stories.
743
00:32:10,796 --> 00:32:11,928
To you, it's life.
744
00:32:11,997 --> 00:32:14,514
To me, it's metal
and a mattress.
745
00:32:14,583 --> 00:32:17,350
$12. Don't sell it, Biff.
746
00:32:17,419 --> 00:32:19,369
I don't know
747
00:32:19,438 --> 00:32:21,482
why you kids want
to hold on to this thing.
748
00:32:21,506 --> 00:32:22,422
It's ugly.
749
00:32:22,490 --> 00:32:24,657
Probably full of bad memories.
750
00:32:24,726 --> 00:32:26,526
It's not ugly.
751
00:32:26,594 --> 00:32:29,295
And it's not full
of bad memories.
752
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:31,431
And it's not for sale.
753
00:32:31,500 --> 00:32:32,599
Now get out.
754
00:32:32,668 --> 00:32:34,934
$12.50, not a penny more.
755
00:32:35,003 --> 00:32:36,336
Junk is junk.
756
00:32:36,405 --> 00:32:38,438
I said get out.
757
00:32:38,507 --> 00:32:40,940
Now you're making a big mistake.
758
00:32:48,733 --> 00:32:50,951
Bad memories.
759
00:32:51,019 --> 00:32:53,954
Can you imagine
the nerve of that guy?
760
00:32:54,022 --> 00:32:55,789
He called it "junk."
761
00:32:55,858 --> 00:32:57,457
He said it was "ugly."
762
00:32:57,525 --> 00:33:00,794
Yeah, well, don't let
him upset you, honey.
763
00:33:00,863 --> 00:33:03,997
Honey?
764
00:33:04,066 --> 00:33:06,566
I guess that was
a Freudian slip.
765
00:33:06,635 --> 00:33:10,403
Yeah, I know.
766
00:33:10,472 --> 00:33:14,241
Of course, according
to Freud, slips count.
767
00:33:14,309 --> 00:33:17,410
Well, does that slip count?
768
00:33:17,479 --> 00:33:19,913
I don't know.
769
00:33:19,982 --> 00:33:22,749
Do you want it to?
770
00:33:22,818 --> 00:33:24,417
I don't know.
771
00:33:24,486 --> 00:33:25,752
If you do.
772
00:33:25,821 --> 00:33:27,754
Maybe.
773
00:33:27,823 --> 00:33:29,923
Well, I do if you do.
774
00:33:29,992 --> 00:33:33,093
I do if you do.
775
00:33:33,162 --> 00:33:35,095
What?
776
00:33:35,164 --> 00:33:37,497
What?
777
00:33:37,565 --> 00:33:39,605
Don't tell me we're going
to get back together again
778
00:33:39,634 --> 00:33:41,567
after we just sold everything.
779
00:33:41,636 --> 00:33:42,814
No, you're right.
780
00:33:42,838 --> 00:33:44,604
We've got to split up.
781
00:33:48,010 --> 00:33:50,655
I've got a confession
to make. What?
782
00:33:50,679 --> 00:33:52,423
Three people
tried to buy the bed.
783
00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:53,491
I wouldn't let them.
784
00:33:53,515 --> 00:33:54,848
I've got a better confession.
785
00:33:54,916 --> 00:33:56,182
I had four people.
786
00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:03,406
Biff, do you love me?
787
00:34:05,143 --> 00:34:06,526
You know I love you.
788
00:34:06,594 --> 00:34:09,061
How else could I put up
789
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,963
with your miserable
temper, if I didn't?
790
00:34:11,032 --> 00:34:13,049
Oh, swell.
791
00:34:13,118 --> 00:34:15,301
No, honey, I didn't mean that.
792
00:34:15,370 --> 00:34:17,487
It's just force of habit.
793
00:34:17,556 --> 00:34:19,789
Kind of like you running
away after every little fight.
794
00:34:19,858 --> 00:34:22,425
I won't run away.
795
00:34:22,494 --> 00:34:24,606
I'll only run away
after the big ones.
796
00:34:24,630 --> 00:34:26,912
There won't be any big ones.
797
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:49,569
Mrs. Harrison, will
you be my wife?
798
00:34:49,638 --> 00:34:51,271
I am.
799
00:34:51,339 --> 00:34:54,307
I mean, I was.
800
00:34:54,376 --> 00:34:55,941
I mean, maybe I wasn't.
801
00:34:56,010 --> 00:34:58,944
But I will be from
now on, I promise.
802
00:35:24,656 --> 00:35:26,301
My husband! My husband!
803
00:35:26,325 --> 00:35:28,885
He's drowned in the surf!
804
00:35:32,764 --> 00:35:34,604
Seeing as how you're
going to be alone tonight,
805
00:35:34,666 --> 00:35:35,916
how about having dinner?
806
00:35:39,337 --> 00:35:42,438
Now when we meet
the boys, just act natural.
807
00:36:15,607 --> 00:36:17,207
I got it!
808
00:36:17,275 --> 00:36:18,852
What's yours? You first.
809
00:36:18,876 --> 00:36:19,809
Okay.
810
00:36:19,877 --> 00:36:20,976
She's so fat
811
00:36:21,045 --> 00:36:22,723
she's got to wear a
prescription brassiere.
812
00:36:22,747 --> 00:36:24,725
You can't say
that on television.
813
00:36:24,749 --> 00:36:26,516
Oh, what's yours?
814
00:36:26,585 --> 00:36:27,628
How about...
815
00:36:27,652 --> 00:36:28,862
she's so fat
816
00:36:28,886 --> 00:36:30,498
that her bell bottoms
bell from the waist?
817
00:36:30,522 --> 00:36:31,688
I don't get it.
818
00:36:32,790 --> 00:36:35,225
Neither do I.
819
00:36:35,293 --> 00:36:36,692
Hey, Maury,
820
00:36:36,761 --> 00:36:38,789
how come a lady wrestler
has to be fat in the first place?
821
00:36:38,813 --> 00:36:40,697
She's not fat in
the first place.
822
00:36:40,766 --> 00:36:42,399
She's fat all over the place.
823
00:36:42,467 --> 00:36:43,400
Come on, Maury.
824
00:36:43,468 --> 00:36:44,588
We need a big joke here.
825
00:36:44,635 --> 00:36:45,735
Well, what's bigger
826
00:36:45,804 --> 00:36:46,915
than a fat lady wrestler?
827
00:36:48,590 --> 00:36:50,901
Say hello to Seymour.
828
00:36:50,925 --> 00:36:52,859
Hello, Seymour.
829
00:36:52,927 --> 00:36:54,227
Yeah, Seymour.
830
00:36:54,296 --> 00:36:55,678
Of course I knew it was you.
831
00:36:55,747 --> 00:36:57,541
Yeah, you're the
only producer in town
832
00:36:57,565 --> 00:36:59,399
with a hot line to his writer.
833
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:00,700
Joanie.
834
00:37:00,769 --> 00:37:02,630
Seymour wants to know
is the script finished yet?
835
00:37:02,654 --> 00:37:05,689
Oh, well, we've got all
the punctuation, Seymour.
836
00:37:05,757 --> 00:37:08,007
Now all we have to
do is fill in the words.
837
00:37:09,110 --> 00:37:11,044
Seymour, look,
838
00:37:11,112 --> 00:37:12,923
I know it's a comedy
special we're writing.
839
00:37:12,947 --> 00:37:14,558
Well, if you want
it to be comedy
840
00:37:14,582 --> 00:37:15,948
and you want it to be special,
841
00:37:16,017 --> 00:37:17,645
we've got to have time
to think up more jokes.
842
00:37:17,669 --> 00:37:19,447
Tell him to stay
off his hot line
843
00:37:19,471 --> 00:37:20,770
if he wants some hot lines.
844
00:37:20,838 --> 00:37:23,106
Look, Seymour,
845
00:37:23,174 --> 00:37:24,618
I promise you,
when it's finished,
846
00:37:24,642 --> 00:37:26,042
you'll be the first to know.
847
00:37:26,111 --> 00:37:27,477
Good-bye, Seymour.
848
00:37:27,546 --> 00:37:28,878
Bye, Seymour.
849
00:37:28,947 --> 00:37:30,880
Lay under a dump truck, Seymour.
850
00:37:30,949 --> 00:37:33,061
Listen, if we have to
do another script for him,
851
00:37:33,085 --> 00:37:36,019
I insist we get an
unlisted typewriter.
852
00:37:37,455 --> 00:37:39,388
Hey, hold it.
853
00:37:39,457 --> 00:37:41,224
We'll drop the steam bath scene.
854
00:37:41,292 --> 00:37:43,137
Then the lady wrestler
doesn't have to be fat.
855
00:37:43,161 --> 00:37:46,079
But her name's Bertha.
856
00:37:46,147 --> 00:37:48,965
Face it, Maury,
Bertha is a fat name.
857
00:37:49,034 --> 00:37:51,634
We've been writing
together for six years.
858
00:37:51,703 --> 00:37:52,868
We must be funny.
859
00:37:52,937 --> 00:37:54,537
We get hired all the time.
860
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:57,056
Why can't we finish
one lousy sketch?
861
00:37:57,125 --> 00:37:58,191
Ah.
862
00:37:58,259 --> 00:37:59,525
Don't worry about it.
863
00:37:59,594 --> 00:38:01,572
We'll think of something.
864
00:38:01,596 --> 00:38:05,198
Are you sure you're not
bugged about the wedding?
865
00:38:05,266 --> 00:38:06,566
Nope.
866
00:38:06,634 --> 00:38:08,879
I am bugged about a lady
wrestler with a fat name.
867
00:38:08,903 --> 00:38:10,030
Here.
868
00:38:10,054 --> 00:38:11,715
I think maybe you
got, uh, bridal block.
869
00:38:11,739 --> 00:38:13,789
Bridal block?
870
00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:15,686
Yeah, writers get it when
they've got a wedding
871
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:18,761
and a honeymoon planned in
the middle of a script assignment.
872
00:38:18,830 --> 00:38:20,095
The script isn't due
873
00:38:20,164 --> 00:38:21,580
until after the honeymoon.
874
00:38:21,649 --> 00:38:23,249
Wait a minute.
875
00:38:23,318 --> 00:38:24,984
Instead of a fat lady wrestler,
876
00:38:25,053 --> 00:38:27,587
we make it a short
lady sword swallower.
877
00:38:27,655 --> 00:38:30,924
If she's short, she has
to swallow a letter opener.
878
00:38:30,992 --> 00:38:32,525
Okay, we'll let her throat rust.
879
00:38:32,594 --> 00:38:34,554
Give us a little pathos. Ooh.
880
00:38:34,596 --> 00:38:36,036
Are we reaching. Mmm.
881
00:38:39,784 --> 00:38:41,016
Oh, hello, Fred.
882
00:38:41,085 --> 00:38:42,296
Hello, Maury.
883
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:43,964
Hello, Joan. Hi.
884
00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:45,755
Mmm. Hey!
885
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:47,790
The sword swallower's
diet puts her on pins
886
00:38:47,859 --> 00:38:49,776
and needles, huh? Not bad.
887
00:38:49,844 --> 00:38:51,043
Thank you.
888
00:38:51,112 --> 00:38:53,257
Not the kiss, the joke.
889
00:38:53,281 --> 00:38:55,325
Mm, actually, the kiss
wasn't too bad either.
890
00:38:55,349 --> 00:38:57,428
Hey, honey, all we
have to do is finish this
891
00:38:57,452 --> 00:38:59,914
one last sketch, and then we
are all through with the script.
892
00:38:59,938 --> 00:39:01,471
Hey, what about a lady Eskimo?
893
00:39:01,539 --> 00:39:02,889
There's a lot of
humor in igloos.
894
00:39:02,957 --> 00:39:04,456
I thought you were going
895
00:39:04,525 --> 00:39:06,086
to finish the script
after our honeymoon.
896
00:39:06,110 --> 00:39:07,877
Oh, we are, we are.
897
00:39:07,945 --> 00:39:09,445
Okay, igloos are funny,
898
00:39:09,514 --> 00:39:11,375
but Eskimos, eh...
They leave me cold.
899
00:39:11,399 --> 00:39:13,333
Mmm. Joan,
900
00:39:13,401 --> 00:39:15,646
are you sure this show won't
interfere with our wedding?
901
00:39:15,670 --> 00:39:17,315
Darling, it couldn't
possibly interfere.
902
00:39:17,339 --> 00:39:18,604
That's exactly what you said
903
00:39:18,673 --> 00:39:19,883
when you were
writing that monologue,
904
00:39:19,907 --> 00:39:21,485
and I wanted to
take you to the lake.
905
00:39:21,509 --> 00:39:22,987
Well, we went to
the lake, didn't we?
906
00:39:23,011 --> 00:39:24,989
Yes, the three of
us went to the lake.
907
00:39:25,013 --> 00:39:26,212
Hey, I had a great time.
908
00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:27,561
Remember the
little blowup boats?
909
00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:29,048
Hmm?
910
00:39:29,117 --> 00:39:31,095
Honey, don't worry.
911
00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:32,752
Hello, Seymour.
912
00:39:32,821 --> 00:39:34,771
That's right, Seymour.
913
00:39:34,839 --> 00:39:36,773
Sure, Seymour.
914
00:39:36,841 --> 00:39:39,475
All right, you'll have it. Yeah.
915
00:39:39,544 --> 00:39:41,310
Good-bye, Seymour.
916
00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:43,419
Take a nap under a
guillotine, Seymour.
917
00:39:43,448 --> 00:39:44,914
That was your mother, right?
918
00:39:44,983 --> 00:39:46,332
Wasn't it Seymour?
919
00:39:46,401 --> 00:39:49,335
Remember when you said,
"Honey, stop worrying?"
920
00:39:49,403 --> 00:39:51,381
Yeah. Well, honey,
start worrying.
921
00:39:51,405 --> 00:39:53,339
They're moving the
taping schedule up.
922
00:39:53,407 --> 00:39:54,618
What does that mean?
923
00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:55,853
That means they want the script
924
00:39:55,877 --> 00:39:56,877
on your wedding day.
925
00:39:56,945 --> 00:39:58,055
On our wedding day?!
926
00:39:58,079 --> 00:39:59,189
That's impossible.
927
00:39:59,213 --> 00:40:01,313
I know, we've got to
have more time to work.
928
00:40:01,382 --> 00:40:02,626
We'll make it your
wedding night.
929
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:03,900
What happened?
930
00:40:03,969 --> 00:40:05,551
They moved the show up a week.
931
00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:07,220
Seymour wants a
script a week earlier.
932
00:40:07,288 --> 00:40:08,488
Oh, no. I knew it.
933
00:40:08,556 --> 00:40:09,722
I knew it, I knew it!
934
00:40:09,790 --> 00:40:11,630
Well, why didn't you
tell us, tell us, tell us?
935
00:40:11,659 --> 00:40:12,925
We could have worked nights.
936
00:40:12,994 --> 00:40:14,138
What about the preparations?
937
00:40:14,162 --> 00:40:15,278
What about the cake?
938
00:40:15,347 --> 00:40:16,446
What about your gown?
939
00:40:16,514 --> 00:40:17,814
What about my relatives?
940
00:40:17,882 --> 00:40:19,315
Darling,
941
00:40:19,383 --> 00:40:20,528
look, you know
942
00:40:20,552 --> 00:40:22,530
how important our
wedding is to me.
943
00:40:22,554 --> 00:40:24,298
But I'm committed
to finishing this script
944
00:40:24,322 --> 00:40:26,567
and I can't help it if they
move up the deadline.
945
00:40:26,591 --> 00:40:28,524
Does that mean you want
to postpone the wedding?
946
00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:31,527
Fred, are you
raising your voice?
947
00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:32,862
I certainly am.
948
00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:34,129
We're supposed to get married
949
00:40:34,198 --> 00:40:35,297
and you're fooling around
950
00:40:35,366 --> 00:40:37,299
with sword
swallowers and igloos.
951
00:40:37,368 --> 00:40:39,301
Fooling around?
952
00:40:39,370 --> 00:40:42,104
Look, writing funny
stuff is hard work.
953
00:40:42,173 --> 00:40:43,272
It isn't easy.
954
00:40:43,341 --> 00:40:45,475
It isn't funny either.
955
00:40:46,577 --> 00:40:49,012
What do you mean?
956
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:53,115
Igloos and sword
swallowers are hysterical.
957
00:40:53,184 --> 00:40:54,934
To whom?
958
00:40:55,002 --> 00:40:56,436
To whom?
959
00:40:56,504 --> 00:40:59,105
To "mem" and to
"herm," that's whom.
960
00:40:59,173 --> 00:41:00,534
Wait a minute.
961
00:41:00,558 --> 00:41:03,159
You don't really think
they're funny, do you?
962
00:41:03,227 --> 00:41:04,827
Not in the least.
963
00:41:04,895 --> 00:41:06,190
Well, what do
you think is funny?
964
00:41:06,214 --> 00:41:08,164
I don't know.
965
00:41:08,232 --> 00:41:09,732
Lots of things.
966
00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,011
Like what?
967
00:41:11,035 --> 00:41:12,913
Joan, I'm a
banker, not a writer.
968
00:41:12,937 --> 00:41:16,272
I just want to know what my
husband-to-be thinks is funny.
969
00:41:17,358 --> 00:41:20,259
Well, uh, puppies, I guess.
970
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:24,013
Puppies?
971
00:41:24,081 --> 00:41:25,381
Oh, they're hilarious.
972
00:41:25,449 --> 00:41:27,817
Why are puppies funny?
973
00:41:27,886 --> 00:41:29,346
Well, when I was
growing up in Newark,
974
00:41:29,370 --> 00:41:31,037
I had a litter of
cocker spaniels and I...
975
00:41:31,105 --> 00:41:32,549
Oh, did you have them naturally
976
00:41:32,573 --> 00:41:34,506
or by cesarean?
977
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:36,508
Look, Joan, your
choice is clear.
978
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,822
Either you finish the script
or prepare for the wedding.
979
00:41:38,846 --> 00:41:41,063
I think I'm capable
of doing both.
980
00:41:41,132 --> 00:41:43,282
I say you prepare
for the wedding!
981
00:41:44,385 --> 00:41:47,486
And I say I do both.
982
00:41:47,555 --> 00:41:49,655
Maybe you'd just
like to do the script
983
00:41:49,723 --> 00:41:51,490
and forget about the wedding.
984
00:41:51,559 --> 00:41:54,577
Maybe if you put
it that way, I would.
985
00:41:54,646 --> 00:41:56,746
Excuse me, I've got
to go to the Philippines
986
00:41:56,815 --> 00:41:58,748
and raise cane.
987
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:11,694
All right, as soon as she
gets hit with the eggplant,
988
00:42:11,763 --> 00:42:13,029
the sketch is almost finished.
989
00:42:14,265 --> 00:42:15,698
Oh, don't worry, Mom.
990
00:42:15,767 --> 00:42:17,366
We'll use a fake eggplant.
991
00:42:17,435 --> 00:42:20,369
My only daughter,
getting married.
992
00:42:22,173 --> 00:42:23,505
Wanda, be sure that
993
00:42:23,574 --> 00:42:24,785
that border stays
very narrow, okay?
994
00:42:24,809 --> 00:42:26,942
If you say so.
995
00:42:29,513 --> 00:42:31,614
Oh, Mama, please.
996
00:42:31,683 --> 00:42:33,732
People do not cry at fittings.
997
00:42:33,801 --> 00:42:37,754
If your father could
only see you now.
998
00:42:37,822 --> 00:42:39,772
Herman!
999
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:43,926
Herman, take a look.
1000
00:42:43,994 --> 00:42:47,513
Isn't our daughter beautiful?
1001
00:42:47,582 --> 00:42:50,183
Oh, thanks, Mom.
1002
00:42:50,251 --> 00:42:52,146
Listen, Maury,
1003
00:42:52,170 --> 00:42:53,603
I'm beginning to
think that maybe
1004
00:42:53,671 --> 00:42:55,805
that eggplant stuff is
just a little too slapstick.
1005
00:42:55,873 --> 00:42:58,141
Gee, I don't think so.
1006
00:42:58,209 --> 00:43:00,143
What do you think, Mom?
1007
00:43:00,211 --> 00:43:01,978
Just beautiful.
1008
00:43:02,047 --> 00:43:03,357
There, you see, Mom likes it.
1009
00:43:03,381 --> 00:43:04,381
How about you?
1010
00:43:07,352 --> 00:43:09,868
Whew, boy, has she
got a thick accent.
1011
00:43:11,106 --> 00:43:12,583
Oh, listen, get that,
will you, Maury?
1012
00:43:12,607 --> 00:43:13,917
One move and I'm stabbed.
1013
00:43:13,941 --> 00:43:15,108
Okay, I hope it's a guy
1014
00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:16,687
selling door-to-door
comedy sketches.
1015
00:43:16,711 --> 00:43:18,538
It might get us
off the hook. Ha!
1016
00:43:20,397 --> 00:43:21,664
Nah, it's only Fred.
1017
00:43:21,733 --> 00:43:23,499
Hi, Only Fred.
1018
00:43:23,567 --> 00:43:24,834
Hello, Joan.
1019
00:43:24,902 --> 00:43:26,213
Hi, honey. Hello, Mrs. Landers.
1020
00:43:26,237 --> 00:43:27,169
Isn't she beautiful?
1021
00:43:27,238 --> 00:43:28,482
Oh, yes. Hey, wait a minute.
1022
00:43:28,506 --> 00:43:29,717
You're not supposed to see her
1023
00:43:29,741 --> 00:43:30,851
in her wedding gown now.
1024
00:43:30,875 --> 00:43:31,885
Oh, you're right, you're right.
1025
00:43:31,909 --> 00:43:32,808
I'll take it off.
1026
00:43:32,877 --> 00:43:33,743
Hey, wait, you're not supposed
1027
00:43:33,811 --> 00:43:34,822
to see her naked either.
1028
00:43:34,846 --> 00:43:36,556
Come on, Maury, it's all right.
1029
00:43:36,580 --> 00:43:38,313
He's already seen my tattoo.
1030
00:43:40,718 --> 00:43:42,785
Yeah, I think 10:30
will be all right, Wanda.
1031
00:43:42,854 --> 00:43:44,264
But don't make
it any later, huh?
1032
00:43:44,288 --> 00:43:46,088
I don't want to get
married in my jeans.
1033
00:43:46,157 --> 00:43:48,390
Thanks, honey.
1034
00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:50,059
Bye-bye.
1035
00:43:51,896 --> 00:43:53,495
Mama, where you going?
1036
00:43:55,599 --> 00:43:58,534
To cry over your baby pictures.
1037
00:43:59,603 --> 00:44:02,471
Just beautiful.
1038
00:44:03,908 --> 00:44:05,808
Joan, I came here to
discuss wedding cakes.
1039
00:44:05,877 --> 00:44:06,887
Hey, that's wild.
1040
00:44:06,911 --> 00:44:08,222
I'm here to discuss eggplants.
1041
00:44:08,246 --> 00:44:10,224
Should we have a three-tiered
cake or a four-tiered cake?
1042
00:44:10,248 --> 00:44:11,475
Now, listen,
1043
00:44:11,499 --> 00:44:13,819
If you think hitting her in
the face with an eggplant
1044
00:44:13,868 --> 00:44:15,713
is too hokey, how
about a cabbage?
1045
00:44:15,737 --> 00:44:17,864
Oh, cabbage is much better.
1046
00:44:17,888 --> 00:44:19,366
And a three-tiered
cake is just fine.
1047
00:44:19,390 --> 00:44:21,001
Now, sweetie, have
you got the wedding list?
1048
00:44:21,025 --> 00:44:21,957
I just finished it.
1049
00:44:22,026 --> 00:44:23,069
Maury, why do we have
1050
00:44:23,093 --> 00:44:24,938
to hit her in the
face with anything?
1051
00:44:24,962 --> 00:44:27,073
Why don't we just play
the scene in a restaurant?
1052
00:44:27,097 --> 00:44:28,141
Hey, that's perfect, perfect.
1053
00:44:28,165 --> 00:44:29,965
Oh, oh, no, honey.
1054
00:44:30,034 --> 00:44:32,245
We can't put Uncle Gumphrey
and the Halimanders together.
1055
00:44:32,269 --> 00:44:33,185
They hate each other.
1056
00:44:33,254 --> 00:44:35,738
Uncle Gumphrey?
1057
00:44:35,806 --> 00:44:36,806
Yeah.
1058
00:44:36,841 --> 00:44:38,874
Halimanders?
1059
00:44:38,943 --> 00:44:40,376
Oh, I don't believe this.
1060
00:44:40,445 --> 00:44:43,245
"Mr. And Mrs. Lyle Studsneggin."
1061
00:44:43,314 --> 00:44:44,246
Yeah.
1062
00:44:44,315 --> 00:44:46,810
Wait a minute. "Norman Nairn."
1063
00:44:48,052 --> 00:44:48,918
Oh, here's a goodie.
1064
00:44:48,987 --> 00:44:50,786
"Colonel Soldrop Tongueman."
1065
00:44:50,855 --> 00:44:51,866
Stop!
1066
00:44:51,890 --> 00:44:53,256
Oh, these are beautiful.
1067
00:44:53,324 --> 00:44:55,252
Hey, we got to use
these in a script.
1068
00:44:55,276 --> 00:44:58,277
Those are my relatives.
1069
00:44:58,346 --> 00:44:59,495
Oh, let me have them.
1070
00:44:59,563 --> 00:45:00,975
They're a lot funnier
than my relatives.
1071
00:45:00,999 --> 00:45:03,633
Joan, are we going to
discuss the wedding or not?
1072
00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:04,912
Of course, honey,
go right ahead.
1073
00:45:04,936 --> 00:45:05,946
Now the biggest problem is
1074
00:45:05,970 --> 00:45:07,670
what do we do when
the minister says...
1075
00:45:07,739 --> 00:45:09,082
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
1076
00:45:09,106 --> 00:45:11,184
We put her in a restaurant
and she's having lunch.
1077
00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:12,141
Yeah?
1078
00:45:12,210 --> 00:45:13,308
The doctor comes in.
1079
00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:14,910
Yeah, yeah.
1080
00:45:14,979 --> 00:45:17,530
He says to her, "The frog test
came back and you're pregnant."
1081
00:45:17,598 --> 00:45:18,609
Yeah, yeah?
1082
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:19,993
So she says to him...
1083
00:45:20,017 --> 00:45:21,584
Yeah?
1084
00:45:21,653 --> 00:45:23,330
I don't know what
she says to him.
1085
00:45:23,354 --> 00:45:24,949
You're supposed
to be writing this, too.
1086
00:45:24,973 --> 00:45:26,016
Oh, come on, Maury.
1087
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:27,318
We're down to the last line.
1088
00:45:27,342 --> 00:45:29,608
I know, I know. What is it?
1089
00:45:29,677 --> 00:45:30,971
I don't know, I don't know.
1090
00:45:30,995 --> 00:45:32,073
What about calling the minister?
1091
00:45:32,097 --> 00:45:33,495
Oh, that's not funny.
1092
00:45:33,564 --> 00:45:35,884
Besides, they did that in
Hollywood Palace last year.
1093
00:45:39,804 --> 00:45:43,206
And now, may we begin?
1094
00:45:43,274 --> 00:45:44,274
Joan.
1095
00:45:44,342 --> 00:45:45,586
Oh, I'm sorry.
1096
00:45:45,610 --> 00:45:48,911
Please don't be
nervous, dear friends.
1097
00:45:48,980 --> 00:45:50,880
Remember, this is
only the rehearsal.
1098
00:45:50,949 --> 00:45:52,429
Shouldn't we rehearse
getting nervous?
1099
00:45:53,351 --> 00:45:54,550
Now Mrs. Landers,
1100
00:45:54,619 --> 00:45:57,820
I believe you're standing
in for the maid of honor.
1101
00:45:57,889 --> 00:46:03,108
Ye... yes!
1102
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:05,744
Yes, and you, Mr. Fields,
1103
00:46:05,813 --> 00:46:07,646
are standing in
for the best man.
1104
00:46:07,715 --> 00:46:09,215
That's right, Reverend.
1105
00:46:09,283 --> 00:46:11,884
Always a best
man, never the best.
1106
00:46:11,953 --> 00:46:13,452
You, Joan, are the bride.
1107
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,531
That's me.
1108
00:46:14,555 --> 00:46:15,635
And Fred, you're the groom.
1109
00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:16,639
Here I am.
1110
00:46:16,707 --> 00:46:18,368
Bride and groom.
1111
00:46:18,392 --> 00:46:20,443
Our daughter!
1112
00:46:20,511 --> 00:46:21,511
Herman,
1113
00:46:21,579 --> 00:46:23,279
are you listening?
1114
00:46:23,348 --> 00:46:24,864
Oh, Mom.
1115
00:46:25,933 --> 00:46:28,768
Now, Fred, you'll be
1116
00:46:28,836 --> 00:46:29,768
standing right there.
1117
00:46:29,837 --> 00:46:31,670
And then Joan will
walk up and join you.
1118
00:46:31,739 --> 00:46:33,939
And she says, "I
can't have a baby.
1119
00:46:34,008 --> 00:46:34,890
I'm having an omelet."
1120
00:46:34,959 --> 00:46:37,526
You're having a baby?
1121
00:46:37,594 --> 00:46:40,229
Oh, no, no, Reverend. I'm sorry.
1122
00:46:40,297 --> 00:46:41,597
You'll have to excuse us.
1123
00:46:41,666 --> 00:46:44,734
Mr. Fields and I are trying
to find a line for a script.
1124
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:45,913
A better line.
1125
00:46:45,937 --> 00:46:47,737
Joan, can we go on with
the rehearsal, please?
1126
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:48,882
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
1127
00:46:48,906 --> 00:46:50,350
It's just, you
know how that line
1128
00:46:50,374 --> 00:46:52,469
has been bugging us,
and it's all due tomorrow.
1129
00:46:52,493 --> 00:46:53,570
The wedding is due tomorrow.
1130
00:46:53,594 --> 00:46:55,611
Attention, please.
1131
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:59,365
Now, when Joan
reaches Fred's side,
1132
00:46:59,434 --> 00:47:02,785
you will both join hands,
1133
00:47:02,854 --> 00:47:05,354
and then the maid of
honor and the best man
1134
00:47:05,422 --> 00:47:07,022
will take their places.
1135
00:47:07,091 --> 00:47:08,707
And then the music will start.
1136
00:47:08,776 --> 00:47:11,360
I will open my book and begin...
1137
00:47:11,428 --> 00:47:12,589
She says, "Having a baby?
1138
00:47:12,613 --> 00:47:15,464
Thank goodness, I
thought I was pregnant."
1139
00:47:15,533 --> 00:47:17,567
Ah, terrible.
1140
00:47:17,635 --> 00:47:19,547
Joan, can I speak
to you in private?
1141
00:47:19,571 --> 00:47:21,048
Why not? We're engaged.
1142
00:47:21,072 --> 00:47:23,355
Excuse us.
1143
00:47:24,525 --> 00:47:25,891
Hey, Joan, this has got to stop.
1144
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:27,170
You're not taking
our wedding seriously.
1145
00:47:27,194 --> 00:47:28,606
Oh, honey, I'm
taking our wedding
1146
00:47:28,630 --> 00:47:29,773
more seriously than you realize.
1147
00:47:29,797 --> 00:47:31,030
What do you mean?
1148
00:47:31,098 --> 00:47:34,183
Well, I'm just as nervous
as any other bride.
1149
00:47:34,251 --> 00:47:35,384
You don't act like it.
1150
00:47:35,452 --> 00:47:37,186
I know.
1151
00:47:37,254 --> 00:47:39,766
I guess I'm using the
script to cover up the nerves.
1152
00:47:39,790 --> 00:47:43,459
Why didn't you say so?
1153
00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:45,306
Because I just
realized it myself.
1154
00:47:45,330 --> 00:47:46,795
I've been pretty nervous, too.
1155
00:47:46,865 --> 00:47:50,233
I guess that's why I've been
acting like a fuddy-duddy.
1156
00:47:50,301 --> 00:47:54,237
Oh, honey, you never
act like a fuddy-duddy.
1157
00:47:54,305 --> 00:47:57,639
Maybe a fuddy,
but never a duddy.
1158
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,075
I've got a confession to make.
1159
00:47:59,143 --> 00:48:00,058
What?
1160
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:02,078
I was driving home last night
1161
00:48:02,146 --> 00:48:04,324
and I started thinking
about igloos and I laughed.
1162
00:48:04,348 --> 00:48:07,082
Igloos are funny.
1163
00:48:07,151 --> 00:48:08,083
I told you.
1164
00:48:08,152 --> 00:48:10,920
Oh, I'm glad I'm marrying you.
1165
00:48:12,039 --> 00:48:13,116
I-I think I've got it.
1166
00:48:13,140 --> 00:48:14,851
The line is coming, it's coming!
1167
00:48:14,875 --> 00:48:17,488
Maury, I don't want to work on
the script until after the wedding.
1168
00:48:17,512 --> 00:48:19,723
Yeah, but wait, it's right
on the tip of my tongue.
1169
00:48:19,747 --> 00:48:23,081
Maury, I told you I don't want to hear
another word until after the wedding.
1170
00:48:23,150 --> 00:48:25,618
Now, Reverend, would
you mind if we proceed?
1171
00:48:25,687 --> 00:48:27,820
Yes. Now as the
ceremony progresses,
1172
00:48:27,888 --> 00:48:30,706
I will indicate exactly
what you should be doing.
1173
00:48:33,010 --> 00:48:34,509
Now will you join hands?
1174
00:48:37,448 --> 00:48:43,585
Do you, Frederick, take Joan
to be your lawful wedded wife?
1175
00:48:43,654 --> 00:48:45,221
I do.
1176
00:48:45,289 --> 00:48:48,157
And do you Joan, take Frederick
1177
00:48:48,226 --> 00:48:49,369
for your lawful wedded husband?
1178
00:48:49,393 --> 00:48:50,308
I got it!
1179
00:48:50,377 --> 00:48:51,471
I got it!
1180
00:48:51,495 --> 00:48:53,445
It's a gem! It's beautiful!
1181
00:48:53,514 --> 00:48:54,813
Listen: And she says,
1182
00:48:54,882 --> 00:48:58,350
"I can't have a baby,
I'm allergic to storks."
1183
00:48:58,419 --> 00:48:59,830
That's it!
1184
00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:00,854
I do!
1185
00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:11,446
Oh, here they come!
Here they come, everybody!
1186
00:49:11,515 --> 00:49:14,150
Oh, no, oh, we should've known!
1187
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:17,898
Are you ready for
Florida, Mrs. Miller?
1188
00:49:17,922 --> 00:49:18,922
Oh, you bet I am.
1189
00:49:18,989 --> 00:49:21,306
Hey, where's Maury?
1190
00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:22,474
I want to say good-bye.
1191
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:24,087
He's probably in a
closet somewhere,
1192
00:49:24,111 --> 00:49:25,122
hiding from embarrassment.
1193
00:49:25,146 --> 00:49:26,762
Oh! Joan? Joan?
1194
00:49:26,831 --> 00:49:27,747
Maury.
1195
00:49:27,815 --> 00:49:28,848
Oh, wait a minute.
1196
00:49:28,916 --> 00:49:30,394
Ho-ho, you're not
going to believe this.
1197
00:49:30,418 --> 00:49:31,595
That was Seymour on the phone.
1198
00:49:31,619 --> 00:49:32,485
What?
1199
00:49:32,553 --> 00:49:33,919
The whole special
has been changed.
1200
00:49:33,987 --> 00:49:36,088
Nannette Fabray is out
1201
00:49:36,157 --> 00:49:38,735
and Buddy Hackett
is our new guest star.
1202
00:49:38,759 --> 00:49:40,959
We've got to rewrite a
whole sketch by Tuesday.
1203
00:49:42,096 --> 00:49:43,762
Oh, no.
1204
00:49:43,831 --> 00:49:45,192
We're on our
honeymoon by Tuesday!
1205
00:49:45,216 --> 00:49:48,868
May I show you to our rooms?
1206
00:49:51,672 --> 00:49:54,106
Oh, Mama, thank you.
1207
00:49:54,175 --> 00:49:56,642
Bye-bye. Bye.
1208
00:49:56,710 --> 00:49:59,270
Thank you, bye.
1209
00:50:07,088 --> 00:50:09,088
Just beautiful.
1210
00:50:24,672 --> 00:50:27,807
Lamar! Shh!
1211
00:50:27,875 --> 00:50:28,808
What are you doing?
1212
00:50:28,876 --> 00:50:30,509
Spiking the punch.
1213
00:50:42,423 --> 00:50:44,657
Fern...
1214
00:50:44,725 --> 00:50:47,092
I've got to tell you this.
1215
00:50:47,161 --> 00:50:49,561
What?
1216
00:50:49,630 --> 00:50:51,730
You have bad dandruff.
1217
00:50:54,101 --> 00:50:56,302
You know what
else I've got, Garth?
1218
00:50:56,370 --> 00:50:57,381
What?
1219
00:50:57,405 --> 00:50:59,171
A bad temper.
82446
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