All language subtitles for 11Love American Style S01E11 Love and the Comedy Team, Love and the Divorce Sale, Love and the Mountain Cabin

Lamar loves to
be rocked to sleep.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love... ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see
three separate views

of love, American style...

A partnership even
marriage can't disrupt,

a young couple who
will learn to live and love,

and our first story
about a bridegroom

with an eye for dollars called:

Well, here we are, sweetheart.

Hold it right there,
I'll find the light.

It's got to be here... ah.

Steps, hold it, here we go.

Found it, found it.

Hold it just a second.

Well, here it is.

Isn't it terrific?

Well, it's...

it's... it's a little
shabby, isn't it?

Shabby?

Well, no, it's wonderful.

I mean, it's a real
mountain cabin.

The perfect love nest... ha!

Right in the middle
of gorgeous nature.

Oh, boy, it's the
perfect honeymoon spot.

And, sweetheart, just think...

only $30 a week.

Well, I guess you're right.

After all, we've got
everything we need.

That's right.

And we are alone at last.

Mm-hmm. We're all alone.

Yeah, I mean, who needs
Miami, know what I mean?

Miami. Whoo!

Miami $50-a-day rooms.

Two-dollar rum drinks.

Floor shows, bellhops,

nightclubs, taxicabs,

and all those tips.

You're right.

Well, shall I, uh...

change into something
more comfortable?

Sounds like a splendid idea.

Right.

Arnold... the handle fell off.

Now don't you worry
about that, sweetheart.

We'll take it back.

You can't, you
bought it wholesale.

Well...

wait'll you see this.

Is that sexy?

Well, how much did it cost?

Oh, nothing; it
was a shower gift.

Oh! Sexy! Yeah.

I'll be right back.

All righty.

No offense.

How you coming, sweetheart?

Just a few seconds, darling.

Put 'em up, Pete.

One funny move,

and I'll blow your head off.

Well, why?

Why? Uh-huh.

Why, you ain't Pete.

No, sir, I'm Arnold Pfister.

Here I am, darling.

That's my wife, Mrs. Pfister.

That's Pfister, with a P.

Howdy, Mrs. Pfister.

I'm Bob O'Connors, the sheriff.

I think you kids
better get out of here.

Get out? No, sir,
you don't understand.

You see, we're on our honeymoon.

Honeymoon in this dump?

I don't know whether you've been

listening to the radio or not,

but Pete Crikey,
the bank robber,

escaped a couple of hours ago,

and he might be headed up here.

Well, sir, why would
he come up here?

Well, this used to
be his hideout. Oh.

And another reason is that,

well, they never found the loot.

And it might be hid
around here someplace.

$75,000.

$75,000?

$75,000.

Oh, Arnold, do you
think we should leave?

Leave?

No, no. No.

Excuse me, sir.

What makes you think
that the loot is hidden here?

Oh, I don't know, it might be,

and then again it might not be.

But don't you folks worry.

I'll be hid out in the bushes,

and if he shows
up, I'll nab him.

You just sleep tight,

and happy dreams.

Thank you.

Happy honeymoon.

Arnold...

do you think there's any risk?

Risk? No. No.

Well, we could leave.

We could go to a motel.

And lose my deposit?

I put a deposit on
this place, honey.

Ten bucks.

Arnold, what are
you looking for?

Nothing.

It was kind of
interesting though,

what the sheriff
said about this place.

I mean, the
possibility of the loot

being hidden here somewhere.

You're not thinking
about that, are you?

Well, of course not.

Arnold. Hmm?

Since there is no danger,

and since we are
going to stay here...

Arnold? Yes, dear.

Arnold? Hmm?

Let's not forget it's
our wedding night.

Who could possibly
forget a thing like that?

Let's go to bed.

All righty.

It is kind of
exciting, you know,

the sheriff hiding
out in the bushes

and the bank robber
somewhere about.

Yeah, it sure is, I...

Honey, does this
sound hollow to you?

Right here?

No.

It's a lovely, soft,
comfortable bed.

Oh, really? That's nice.

There's a lump in the mattress!

Sorry, honey, but look!

It's a frying pan.

Arnold, do you realize
you threw me right

out of the bed?

Well, sweetheart,
I said I was sorry.

Now why would he have hidden
a frying pan under the mattress?

Honey,

do you suppose this
is gold melted down

to look like a frying pan?

No, I think it's a plain,
ordinary iron skillet.

Now will you stop being

so silly and get back into bed?

Oh, sweetheart,
you're absolutely right.

Here, darling, I'll help.

Oh, Arnold... I love you.

And I love...

Honey. What?

There's a...

there's a lump in the pillow.

What?

Hey baby, do you have a knife?

Never mind, I'll
use my bare hands.

Oh, no, Arnold, no, Arnold!

There's a lump in
here, I've got it, baby!

I've got it! Look! What is it?

It's a lump.

Feathers and string and...

Arnold, you...

you have to stop
thinking about that money.

Sweetheart, you're
right, it's stupid.

You know, I just have
to get it out of my head.

I mean, after all, there
are more important things

in this world than money.

Oh, now that's the
Arnold I married talking.

Here.

Mmm.

Listen, honey,

I mean, what am I kidding about?

I'm really thinking
of the money.

But sweetheart, it's important.

I mean, just think... $75,000.

Wow.

Honey?

We're going to spend
a lot of nights together,

but you see money like
this once in a lifetime.

This is a chance a
man just can't give up.

Honey? Honey?

This board is loose.

The board, it's,
it's loose, look!

The paneling! Arnold...

It comes out. what
are you doing?

Honey, hold this. Honey, stop...

You'll destroy the whole cabin.

Sweetheart, we can
always put it back.

Ah!

A flashlight!

Get me a flashlight, quick!

Quick, honey!

The flashlight!

Here.

Honey, look, it's a box.

It's something in the wall.

It's the box.

It's a box.

This could be it.

This could be it!

I found it.

I found it.

Isn't that beautiful,
gorgeous, exquisite?

Arnold! What, darling?

Control yourself, dear.

I'm a rich man.

I am a rich man.

Eileen, you've
married a rich man.

Arnold, you have to
give that money back.

What?

If you ever utter a
word about this...

No, no, I'm not
going to give it back.

Arnold, you give that back

or you and I are through.

No, honey, don't be silly.

Hey, I tell you what,
we'll split it 60-40.

What?!

Well, after all, I found it.

What's up?

Oh, Sheriff Connors...

I saw the flashlight
waving around.

I figure you were
trying to signal me.

Well, yes, uh,

my husband found
the money in the wall.

Didn't you, dear?

Well,

how about that?

That's great.

Yeah.

Let me see here.

Well...

Yeah, that's it, all right.

Well, I just got a call on
the radio a minute ago

that they, that they got Pete,

so that washes that up.

Now I can go home
and get some sleep.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yeah, well, I'm not going

to hang around here.

I know you two are
on your honeymoon.

You're real nice folks.

It ain't everybody that'd
have been that honest.

Good night.

Good night.

Arnold...

Arnold? Yeah?

Arnold,

you just have a little
problem, that's all.

A little problem with money.

Yeah, honey, I
guess you're right.

It's just that I flipped
when I saw that money.

I... it felt so great.

I... I... I just didn't
know what I was saying.

I know, I know.

And we can work
it all out in time.

Really? Yes.

Now come on, let's go to bed.

Come on.

Come on, darling.

Come on now, we'll go to bed.

There... just lay down.

Okay? Yeah.

Oh.

You know, sweetheart...

Yes, darling?

That didn't look like $75,000.

More like $40 or $50.

There could be another
$20 or $30,000 around here.

That's it!

He wouldn't hide
it all in one place.

No sirree, Pete's
too clever for that.

A penny for your thoughts, Buzz?

Now, Tippy, honey, come on.

Don't be like that.

It's nothing to get upset over.

It's not important, honey.

Tippy, I'm sorry,

but I just can't
use you anymore.

Now, look,

I specialize in juniors.

In the past year,
you've blown up

from 97 pounds to 110.

Honey, face it.

You're just not
a junior anymore.

As your

husband, I love it,

but as your photographer,
I'm afraid you're...

uh, overdeveloped.

Look, honey...

Honey, if you'd just...

Tippy!

Tippy!

Come on, honey.

Sweetheart, I just
take the pictures.

I don't set the styles.

And this year, the styles
are younger than ever.

It's no makeup,
the little jumpers,

little girls clothes.

It's the infant look.

And let's be honest, honey...
Without makeup, you look 20.

I'm sorry.

All right, let's not be honest.

Maybe I'll go back to
taking passport pictures.

Now, honey...

Look, can't we talk this over

like the bright,
intelligent, sensible...

childish person you are?

Now, open this door.

You open this door this
minute, or I'm going to...

I'm not going to do
anything, that's what,

because I just don't care.

You can stay in there
and suffocate for all I care.

Tippy, come out.

You're going to suffocate.

Look, if you, uh, come out,

I promise not to yell at you.

I won't even talk to you.

You'd think the way
the girl carries on,

I was the only
photographer in town.

You'd think

that she'd have sense enough

to move on up to
the next plateau.

You'd think she'd face the fact

that her teens are behind
her and be a woman.

So, I'm over the hill, am I?

Did I say that?

If you didn't, you
were thinking it.

Hi. I'm Gina.

Mr. Harrison,

the infant is here.

Did I say something wrong?

No, it wasn't you.

All I said was, "Hi. I'm Gina."

Well, sometime that's enough.

Would you like me
to come back later?

No, come in quick.

You're getting
older by the second.

If you're over the hill, you
know where that leaves me?

Death Valley.

You think I should
count my blessings?

Would you rather count mine?

Maxine,

I do have some crow's feet.

I have a duck body.

It's all the way you
waddle, my dear.

Hello, my children.

Peace.

May peace be with you all.

And to you, my dear,

may the bird of paradise
drop sesame seeds

on your fruit salad.

So interesting

looking at you through this.

You're five times as ugly.

Hmm. Thank you, Miss
Live Bait Barge of 1912.

Don't be hostile, my dear.

I am beautiful.

I've got soul.

And how are you, Tippy, my dear?

Rotten. Good, good.

Punjab, she says
she's rotten, rotten.

Don't you listen?

Rotten ain't bad, sweetheart.

Not as bad as bored.

What is it, Tippy?

Tell Punjab where it hurts.

Well, it hurts in my
marriage, that's where it hurts.

Oh, come on, baby.

You and Biff have
a groovy marriage.

I ought to know, because
I introduced you myself

on this very spot.

Yeah, most marriages
are made in heaven.

Yours was made in a head shop.

Very funny.

Whatever it is, it'll be
made better by time.

Time is the great
improver of all things.

Look at me.

Time has made me
immortally beautiful.

And time has made me old.

She's not a junior anymore.

Oh?

Biff has a new model.

So?

So?

So, that's what brought
us together in the first place.

We lived together, loved
together, worked together.

Now he doesn't need me anymore.

So what?

You can still live
together and love together.

Working together is nothing.

Even I can get a
guy to work with.

Hey, you're right, Meg.

You know, she's right.

You know, when your best
friends don't understand you...

If you guys don't
understand me, then I-I...

Now, no, wait a minute, baby.

Don't get so uptight,
huh? Come on.

Now, listen, for openers,

if it's marriage,
it can't be all bad.

Well, it can if it's empty.

You kids have only

been married a year.

How empty can a
thing get in a year?

Don't agree with me, please?

It gives us too much in common.

Look, Tippy, I always had
it figured that you and Biff

were going to make it somehow.

You had that great knack
of laughing at yourselves.

Yeah.

You've never let an
argument get out of hand.

Always a little joke,
and always a little laugh.

Yeah, I remember
those days, too.

Hey, now, wait a minute, honey.

You're too young
to live in the past.

Oh! I'm too old to
live in the present.

So what?

So you'll be
somebody else's model.

It will probably

be a lot better for
you, too, to get away

from each other for
a day, once in a while.

At night, you'll have
more to talk about.

That's true.

Tippy, the first year

of marriage is
always the roughest.

The truth is,

you kids haven't got
to know each other yet.

It's ridiculous to divorce
someone you don't even know.

Hey,

now why don't you
give it another shot, huh?

Tell me, what would
you like me to do?

Crawl back on my hands and knees

and say, "Oh,
Biff, I'm so sorry"?

No, man.

Just walk in and
say, "Biff, I'm sorry."

I will not!

I'm not sorry.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I have nothing to apologize.

Will you cool it?

It's unimportant
who did what to who.

It's also unimportant
who says I'm sorry.

Now the important thing
is that somebody says it.

Think of the

fun you'll have making up.

It's almost worth the fight.

Isn't it?

Well...

Maybe what I need is violets.

Oh!

Yeah! Sure!

Biff gave me a bunch of
violets when we got married.

A bunch of sweet,
old-fashioned violets.

Oh. Listen, if that's
all it takes, why not?

Ah. Max.

Huh?

Find a beautiful
bunch of violets

for our fading, little flower.

That's it. Oh.

Okay, dear, relax.

Uh, Biff, you have, um...

You have a minute
for your old wife?

Yeah, sure, honey.

I'm... I'm sorry about
the tantrum earlier.

Forget it.

No, really.

I've got a rotten temper.

I'm self-centered,
melodramatic and petty.

Well, darling, those are
the little imperfections

that make you perfect.

Thanks.

What did you think
of the session?

Uh... well, I-I thought

it was, um, nice and loose.

But the, uh...

The teddy bear's
a little bit precious.

You know, that's what I thought.

I just can't seem to get
the feel of it. If I... Biff.

Biff, I have something
to show you.

You know, we
could use a pennant.

No, that's too cliché.

Biff, would you please listen?

I... I'm sorry, honey.

Y-Yes, speak.

What is it?

Well, I-I have
something to show you.

Something just right
for a new beginning.

Perfect.

Oh!

Oh, I knew you'd love 'em.

Honey, I do, I do.

It's just the corny prop we
need to get this shot. Now,

Gina, you forget all
about old Bruce... forget

all about that...
and hold those.

Yeah. They're kind of
corny, but they're sentimental.

They remind you of home.

That's right.

Did you ever get the
feeling that you wanted to go,

but you still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay, huh?

Or go?

Or stay?

What...? Hey...

What-What... What are you doing?

I'm going.

You're going?

Why don't you stick
around a minute, honey?

You're packing?

You're...

You're sore. Why?

Never mind. Just...

Listen, do you know
that you're bewildering?

You got a rotten temper.

You're self-centered,
you're indulgent.

You're-You're melodramatic.

Oh, sure, sure.

Just a minute ago, those
were the little imperfections

that made me perfect.

Well, I learned
a lot in a minute.

Oh, now you're going to cry?

Well, please
don't. Just stop it.

I'm sick of your tantrums,

and I'm sick of
your self-indulgence.

I want a divorce.

You want a divorce?

How do I do that?

What?

What?

Well, I can do melodramatic,

insensitive, childish,

but how do I do,
"I want a divorce"?

No, uh, Gina,

you don't understand.
This isn't for you.

Oh. You want me to
go? Am I all through?

Yeah, honey.

You go, and you come
on back tomorrow, all right?

Well, all right.

I just want to say one
thing, Mr. Harrison:

There's not a model in town

that can do a
divorce expression.

It's too vague.

All right.

If you want a divorce,
you've got one.

Well, you want
one, too, don't you?

Absolutely.

No broken marriage
should be without one.

Well, I guess, uh,

the next thing to do
is contact a lawyer.

That's fine with me.

What grounds
should we get it on?

On the grounds that
you're impossible.

You took the grounds
right out of my mouth.

Biff, listen.

If there's any respect
between us at all, I think we...

we should at least
be civilized about this.

Oh, by all means,
let's be civilized.

Divorce doesn't
exist among the apes.

I was too young to get
married in the first place.

We were both too young.

It's over, and,
uh, and that's that.

You're right.

Nothing's lost.

There are no children,
no tantrums, no traumas.

Nobody's scarred for life.

It's been a year
of fun and games.

Not a marriage, really.

More like a laugh-in.

Well, in ten years, we probably
won't even recognize each other

on the street.

Fine.

You're beginning to look a
little strange to me even now.

Excuse me, would you?

Where are you going with those?

Well, I'm taking them with me.

Those are my swimming medals.

I spent 15 years with nose
plugs getting those medals.

Yes, but you gave them to
me as an engagement present.

They're mine.

When you get a divorce,

that automatically
breaks the engagement.

Take your crummy medals.

None of them was
for first place anyway.

Now look, let's stop this
middle-class nonsense.

A settlement should be
easy, since we're broke.

All I want's the
photography equipment.

Oh, sure.

Sure, every penny we've got is
in the photography equipment.

Even my modeling fees.

Well, then let's just sell
everything and split the money.

All right.

We'll have a divorce sale.

No, why don't we just sell
everything and split the money.

Well, that is a divorce sale.

Oh, yeah, oh, you're right.

Right, let's have
a divorce sale.

I'll put an ad in the paper,

"Young couple going
out of business."

Okay?

Okay.

Shake on it.

Don't worry, you'll
get your hand back.

It's part of your settlement.

Uh, excuse me.

Can I see you for a second?

Excuse me. Yeah?

How much is the
after shave lotion?

50 cents.

Can we open it
to see if I like it?

Sure, go ahead. Just a second.

This is my after shave
lotion and it's not for sale.

The marriage may be over,

but my beard goes on forever.

Delightful, isn't he?

Department stores sure
ain't what they used to be.

Pardon me, miss, is this
the bus for Lotus Land?

If you're here to buy
something, you're welcome.

But if you're going
to lecture, forget it.

We're here to shoplift.

That's right.

Nice, very nice.

Thank you.

Man, it's like, love
is really something.

You know, daddy,
when you got love,

you got what it's all about.

You dig me, boy?

Punjab, do me a favor.

Yeah? Buy something.

Oh, this is very nice.

Yes, it's genuine porcelain.

Excuse me.

May I see the price
on that? Uh-huh.

Tippy, I thought we
agreed this would be $5.

Well, I changed my mind.

It's a little used

and I think $3.50
would be a fairer price.

Don't tell me what's fair.

Sir, it's $5.00.

$3.50.

I bought this pitcher
with my own money.

Money you made
using me as your model.

Will you give me that?

What are you asking for it now?

Next time you
have a divorce sale,

have it with somebody else.

Believe me, this
is my first marriage,

but it's my last divorce.

Is this the divorce
sale advertised

in the underground
newspaper? Yes, ma'am, it is.

Oh, wonderful.

Do you have a good,
used water pipe?

Well, I don't know, ma'am;
why don't you come in

and look around?
Oh, well, thank you.

Rosa.

Come on, dear.

This is it.

Oh, I do love
these hippie sales.

On our honeymoon, Biff and
I hitchhiked through Europe.

And every place we
stayed we took a key

and we made this.

How dull.

Well, it wasn't then.

Um... how about, uh...

how about something in
the way of elephant bells.

There is nothing "in the
way of elephant bells."

Either you've got
one or you haven't.

I'm sorry, bubby,

but I just can't let
you buy this table.

Uh, Punjab, he's
offering me $25.

I'll give you $30.

$31.50.

Debbie.

$31.50.

I gave them this table, right
out of my own joint, downstairs.

See? My initials
are still carved in it.

"PJ"... Punjab.

All these scratches...

The scratches?

Well, on the day
we were married,

all our friends carved
their initials in that table.

Actually, it meant a
lot to me at the time.

Actually, I sold the portrait

to buy him a tripod
for his camera.

But, uh, I'm afraid our
timing was off, as usual.

Aw...

So I sold the camera
to buy her the dress.

It's over and that's that.

It's not a marriage, really.

It's been a year
of fun and games.

In ten years, we
probably won't even

recognize each
other on the street.

You're beginning to look

a little strange to me even now.

Well, that's it.

Everything's gone.

Everything except the bed.

Yeah.

Couldn't you get rid of it?

Well, I, uh... to
tell you the truth,

I, uh, I just didn't
think about it.

I didn't even think about it.

Neither did I.

Well, I guess not
many people need beds.

Anyway, this one's
kind of old-fashioned.

Yeah, it's a hard thing to sell.

I must be in the wrong place.

That all depends.

What are you looking for?

Well, I heard some crazy
kids were having a divorce sale.

It's funny, the way they
get married these days.

In and out, like a car wash.

I'm in the junk business.

Well, I'm afraid
you're too late.

All the junk is gone.

Oh, this is the place.

Well, the apartment's
the only thing left.

That'll be for rent shortly.

Why don't you just stick around?

What about the bed?

The bed?

I'll give you 12 bucks for it.

12 bucks?

Take it or leave it.

This bed cost over $100.

That's about right.

$100 new.

Now it's junk... $12.

Look, a lot of living
went in to this bed.

This is our honeymoon bed.

I'm too old to listen
to these stories.

To you, it's life.

To me, it's metal
and a mattress.

$12. Don't sell it, Biff.

I don't know

why you kids want
to hold on to this thing.

It's ugly.

Probably full of bad memories.

It's not ugly.

And it's not full
of bad memories.

And it's not for sale.

Now get out.

$12.50, not a penny more.

Junk is junk.

I said get out.

Now you're making a big mistake.

Bad memories.

Can you imagine
the nerve of that guy?

He called it "junk."

He said it was "ugly."

Yeah, well, don't let
him upset you, honey.

Honey?

I guess that was
a Freudian slip.

Yeah, I know.

Of course, according
to Freud, slips count.

Well, does that slip count?

I don't know.

Do you want it to?

I don't know.

If you do.

Maybe.

Well, I do if you do.

I do if you do.

What?

What?

Don't tell me we're going
to get back together again

after we just sold everything.

No, you're right.

We've got to split up.

I've got a confession
to make. What?

Three people
tried to buy the bed.

I wouldn't let them.

I've got a better confession.

I had four people.

Biff, do you love me?

You know I love you.

How else could I put up

with your miserable
temper, if I didn't?

Oh, swell.

No, honey, I didn't mean that.

It's just force of habit.

Kind of like you running
away after every little fight.

I won't run away.

I'll only run away
after the big ones.

There won't be any big ones.

Mrs. Harrison, will
you be my wife?

I am.

I mean, I was.

I mean, maybe I wasn't.

But I will be from
now on, I promise.

My husband! My husband!

He's drowned in the surf!

Seeing as how you're
going to be alone tonight,

how about having dinner?

Now when we meet
the boys, just act natural.

I got it!

What's yours? You first.

Okay.

She's so fat

she's got to wear a
prescription brassiere.

You can't say
that on television.

Oh, what's yours?

How about...

she's so fat

that her bell bottoms
bell from the waist?

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

Hey, Maury,

how come a lady wrestler
has to be fat in the first place?

She's not fat in
the first place.

She's fat all over the place.

Come on, Maury.

We need a big joke here.

Well, what's bigger

than a fat lady wrestler?

Say hello to Seymour.

Hello, Seymour.

Yeah, Seymour.

Of course I knew it was you.

Yeah, you're the
only producer in town

with a hot line to his writer.

Joanie.

Seymour wants to know
is the script finished yet?

Oh, well, we've got all
the punctuation, Seymour.

Now all we have to
do is fill in the words.

Seymour, look,

I know it's a comedy
special we're writing.

Well, if you want
it to be comedy

and you want it to be special,

we've got to have time
to think up more jokes.

Tell him to stay
off his hot line

if he wants some hot lines.

Look, Seymour,

I promise you,
when it's finished,

you'll be the first to know.

Good-bye, Seymour.

Bye, Seymour.

Lay under a dump truck, Seymour.

Listen, if we have to
do another script for him,

I insist we get an
unlisted typewriter.

Hey, hold it.

We'll drop the steam bath scene.

Then the lady wrestler
doesn't have to be fat.

But her name's Bertha.

Face it, Maury,
Bertha is a fat name.

We've been writing
together for six years.

We must be funny.

We get hired all the time.

Why can't we finish
one lousy sketch?

Ah.

Don't worry about it.

We'll think of something.

Are you sure you're not
bugged about the wedding?

Nope.

I am bugged about a lady
wrestler with a fat name.

Here.

I think maybe you
got, uh, bridal block.

Bridal block?

Yeah, writers get it when
they've got a wedding

and a honeymoon planned in
the middle of a script assignment.

The script isn't due

until after the honeymoon.

Wait a minute.

Instead of a fat lady wrestler,

we make it a short
lady sword swallower.

If she's short, she has
to swallow a letter opener.

Okay, we'll let her throat rust.

Give us a little pathos. Ooh.

Are we reaching. Mmm.

Oh, hello, Fred.

Hello, Maury.

Hello, Joan. Hi.

Mmm. Hey!

The sword swallower's
diet puts her on pins

and needles, huh? Not bad.

Thank you.

Not the kiss, the joke.

Mm, actually, the kiss
wasn't too bad either.

Hey, honey, all we
have to do is finish this

one last sketch, and then we
are all through with the script.

Hey, what about a lady Eskimo?

There's a lot of
humor in igloos.

I thought you were going

to finish the script
after our honeymoon.

Oh, we are, we are.

Okay, igloos are funny,

but Eskimos, eh...
They leave me cold.

Mmm. Joan,

are you sure this show won't
interfere with our wedding?

Darling, it couldn't
possibly interfere.

That's exactly what you said

when you were
writing that monologue,

and I wanted to
take you to the lake.

Well, we went to
the lake, didn't we?

Yes, the three of
us went to the lake.

Hey, I had a great time.

Remember the
little blowup boats?

Hmm?

Honey, don't worry.

Hello, Seymour.

That's right, Seymour.

Sure, Seymour.

All right, you'll have it. Yeah.

Good-bye, Seymour.

Take a nap under a
guillotine, Seymour.

That was your mother, right?

Wasn't it Seymour?

Remember when you said,
"Honey, stop worrying?"

Yeah. Well, honey,
start worrying.

They're moving the
taping schedule up.

What does that mean?

That means they want the script

on your wedding day.

On our wedding day?!

That's impossible.

I know, we've got to
have more time to work.

We'll make it your
wedding night.

What happened?

They moved the show up a week.

Seymour wants a
script a week earlier.

Oh, no. I knew it.

I knew it, I knew it!

Well, why didn't you
tell us, tell us, tell us?

We could have worked nights.

What about the preparations?

What about the cake?

What about your gown?

What about my relatives?

Darling,

look, you know

how important our
wedding is to me.

But I'm committed
to finishing this script

and I can't help it if they
move up the deadline.

Does that mean you want
to postpone the wedding?

Fred, are you
raising your voice?

I certainly am.

We're supposed to get married

and you're fooling around

with sword
swallowers and igloos.

Fooling around?

Look, writing funny
stuff is hard work.

It isn't easy.

It isn't funny either.

What do you mean?

Igloos and sword
swallowers are hysterical.

To whom?

To whom?

To "mem" and to
"herm," that's whom.

Wait a minute.

You don't really think
they're funny, do you?

Not in the least.

Well, what do
you think is funny?

I don't know.

Lots of things.

Like what?

Joan, I'm a
banker, not a writer.

I just want to know what my
husband-to-be thinks is funny.

Well, uh, puppies, I guess.

Puppies?

Oh, they're hilarious.

Why are puppies funny?

Well, when I was
growing up in Newark,

I had a litter of
cocker spaniels and I...

Oh, did you have them naturally

or by cesarean?

Look, Joan, your
choice is clear.

Either you finish the script
or prepare for the wedding.

I think I'm capable
of doing both.

I say you prepare
for the wedding!

And I say I do both.

Maybe you'd just
like to do the script

and forget about the wedding.

Maybe if you put
it that way, I would.

Excuse me, I've got
to go to the Philippines

and raise cane.

All right, as soon as she
gets hit with the eggplant,

the sketch is almost finished.

Oh, don't worry, Mom.

We'll use a fake eggplant.

My only daughter,
getting married.

Wanda, be sure that

that border stays
very narrow, okay?

If you say so.

Oh, Mama, please.

People do not cry at fittings.

If your father could
only see you now.

Herman!

Herman, take a look.

Isn't our daughter beautiful?

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Listen, Maury,

I'm beginning to
think that maybe

that eggplant stuff is
just a little too slapstick.

Gee, I don't think so.

What do you think, Mom?

Just beautiful.

There, you see, Mom likes it.

How about you?

Whew, boy, has she
got a thick accent.

Oh, listen, get that,
will you, Maury?

One move and I'm stabbed.

Okay, I hope it's a guy

selling door-to-door
comedy sketches.

It might get us
off the hook. Ha!

Nah, it's only Fred.

Hi, Only Fred.

Hello, Joan.

Hi, honey. Hello, Mrs. Landers.

Isn't she beautiful?

Oh, yes. Hey, wait a minute.

You're not supposed to see her

in her wedding gown now.

Oh, you're right, you're right.

I'll take it off.

Hey, wait, you're not supposed

to see her naked either.

Come on, Maury, it's all right.

He's already seen my tattoo.

Yeah, I think 10:30
will be all right, Wanda.

But don't make
it any later, huh?

I don't want to get
married in my jeans.

Thanks, honey.

Bye-bye.

Mama, where you going?

To cry over your baby pictures.

Just beautiful.

Joan, I came here to
discuss wedding cakes.

Hey, that's wild.

I'm here to discuss eggplants.

Should we have a three-tiered
cake or a four-tiered cake?

Now, listen,

If you think hitting her in
the face with an eggplant

is too hokey, how
about a cabbage?

Oh, cabbage is much better.

And a three-tiered
cake is just fine.

Now, sweetie, have
you got the wedding list?

I just finished it.

Maury, why do we have

to hit her in the
face with anything?

Why don't we just play
the scene in a restaurant?

Hey, that's perfect, perfect.

Oh, oh, no, honey.

We can't put Uncle Gumphrey
and the Halimanders together.

They hate each other.

Uncle Gumphrey?

Yeah.

Halimanders?

Oh, I don't believe this.

"Mr. And Mrs. Lyle Studsneggin."

Yeah.

Wait a minute. "Norman Nairn."

Oh, here's a goodie.

"Colonel Soldrop Tongueman."

Stop!

Oh, these are beautiful.

Hey, we got to use
these in a script.

Those are my relatives.

Oh, let me have them.

They're a lot funnier
than my relatives.

Joan, are we going to
discuss the wedding or not?

Of course, honey,
go right ahead.

Now the biggest problem is

what do we do when
the minister says...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We put her in a restaurant
and she's having lunch.

Yeah?

The doctor comes in.

Yeah, yeah.

He says to her, "The frog test
came back and you're pregnant."

Yeah, yeah?

So she says to him...

Yeah?

I don't know what
she says to him.

You're supposed
to be writing this, too.

Oh, come on, Maury.

We're down to the last line.

I know, I know. What is it?

I don't know, I don't know.

What about calling the minister?

Oh, that's not funny.

Besides, they did that in
Hollywood Palace last year.

And now, may we begin?

Joan.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Please don't be
nervous, dear friends.

Remember, this is
only the rehearsal.

Shouldn't we rehearse
getting nervous?

Now Mrs. Landers,

I believe you're standing
in for the maid of honor.

Ye... yes!

Yes, and you, Mr. Fields,

are standing in
for the best man.

That's right, Reverend.

Always a best
man, never the best.

You, Joan, are the bride.

That's me.

And Fred, you're the groom.

Here I am.

Bride and groom.

Our daughter!

Herman,

are you listening?

Oh, Mom.

Now, Fred, you'll be

standing right there.

And then Joan will
walk up and join you.

And she says, "I
can't have a baby.

I'm having an omelet."

You're having a baby?

Oh, no, no, Reverend. I'm sorry.

You'll have to excuse us.

Mr. Fields and I are trying
to find a line for a script.

A better line.

Joan, can we go on with
the rehearsal, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

It's just, you
know how that line

has been bugging us,
and it's all due tomorrow.

The wedding is due tomorrow.

Attention, please.

Now, when Joan
reaches Fred's side,

you will both join hands,

and then the maid of
honor and the best man

will take their places.

And then the music will start.

I will open my book and begin...

She says, "Having a baby?

Thank goodness, I
thought I was pregnant."

Ah, terrible.

Joan, can I speak
to you in private?

Why not? We're engaged.

Excuse us.

Hey, Joan, this has got to stop.

You're not taking
our wedding seriously.

Oh, honey, I'm
taking our wedding

more seriously than you realize.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm just as nervous
as any other bride.

You don't act like it.

I know.

I guess I'm using the
script to cover up the nerves.

Why didn't you say so?

Because I just
realized it myself.

I've been pretty nervous, too.

I guess that's why I've been
acting like a fuddy-duddy.

Oh, honey, you never
act like a fuddy-duddy.

Maybe a fuddy,
but never a duddy.

I've got a confession to make.

What?

I was driving home last night

and I started thinking
about igloos and I laughed.

Igloos are funny.

I told you.

Oh, I'm glad I'm marrying you.

I-I think I've got it.

The line is coming, it's coming!

Maury, I don't want to work on
the script until after the wedding.

Yeah, but wait, it's right
on the tip of my tongue.

Maury, I told you I don't want to hear
another word until after the wedding.

Now, Reverend, would
you mind if we proceed?

Yes. Now as the
ceremony progresses,

I will indicate exactly
what you should be doing.

Now will you join hands?

Do you, Frederick, take Joan
to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you Joan, take Frederick

for your lawful wedded husband?

I got it!

I got it!

It's a gem! It's beautiful!

Listen: And she says,

"I can't have a baby,
I'm allergic to storks."

That's it!

I do!

Oh, here they come!
Here they come, everybody!

Oh, no, oh, we should've known!

Are you ready for
Florida, Mrs. Miller?

Oh, you bet I am.

Hey, where's Maury?

I want to say good-bye.

He's probably in a
closet somewhere,

hiding from embarrassment.

Oh! Joan? Joan?

Maury.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ho-ho, you're not
going to believe this.

That was Seymour on the phone.

What?

The whole special
has been changed.

Nannette Fabray is out

and Buddy Hackett
is our new guest star.

We've got to rewrite a
whole sketch by Tuesday.

Oh, no.

We're on our
honeymoon by Tuesday!

May I show you to our rooms?

Oh, Mama, thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Thank you, bye.

Just beautiful.

Lamar! Shh!

What are you doing?

Spiking the punch.

Fern...

I've got to tell you this.

What?

You have bad dandruff.

You know what
else I've got, Garth?

What?

A bad temper.