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1
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,349
ALL: Ooh!
2
00:00:05,449 --> 00:00:08,952
Look, Freddie. Spit-shined
and ready to go.
3
00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:10,487
Wait.
4
00:00:10,587 --> 00:00:12,923
(gargles, spits)
5
00:00:13,957 --> 00:00:17,027
Just needed a little more spit.
6
00:00:19,263 --> 00:00:22,299
Ooh, is this one of those
edible arrangements?
7
00:00:22,399 --> 00:00:24,701
(spits) No.
8
00:00:25,536 --> 00:00:26,803
So, are you nervous?
9
00:00:26,903 --> 00:00:28,272
(scoffs)
10
00:00:28,372 --> 00:00:30,674
Does LeBron James get
nervous before the big game?
11
00:00:30,774 --> 00:00:33,310
Are you LeBron James
in this situation?
12
00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:34,845
(laughs nervously)
13
00:00:34,945 --> 00:00:37,814
I'm the one who convinced
these two to give it a shot,
14
00:00:37,914 --> 00:00:39,816
but you don't see anyone
giving me a diamond.
15
00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:42,519
Do you think they'll
give me a diamond?
16
00:00:42,619 --> 00:00:45,256
Oh, Millicent, this
isn't about you.
17
00:00:45,356 --> 00:00:46,590
Now let me stand to your right
18
00:00:46,690 --> 00:00:48,959
so I get my good
side in the pictures.
19
00:00:51,428 --> 00:00:52,963
Oh, I got it.
20
00:00:56,633 --> 00:00:58,802
(chuckles): Yes!
21
00:00:58,902 --> 00:01:01,037
It's covered in
my mother's spit.
22
00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:03,540
It really is.
23
00:01:09,213 --> 00:01:11,582
"Hello, Carly. We haven't
spoken in three weeks,
24
00:01:11,682 --> 00:01:13,884
so let me just say
something weird to you."
25
00:01:15,652 --> 00:01:17,554
Uh, is this an intervention?
26
00:01:17,654 --> 00:01:19,189
- (door closes)
- Fine, Marissa.
27
00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:21,592
It is me eating your makeup,
28
00:01:21,692 --> 00:01:24,495
but I can stop any time I want!
29
00:01:25,762 --> 00:01:28,632
Lewbert Robinette
Patricia Sline...
30
00:01:28,732 --> 00:01:30,467
(whispers):
Robinette Patricia?
31
00:01:30,567 --> 00:01:33,003
(whispers): I know. I love it.
32
00:01:33,103 --> 00:01:35,606
Lewbert, my Big Sline,
33
00:01:35,706 --> 00:01:38,475
- my Sline Ball.
- Uh...
34
00:01:38,575 --> 00:01:41,278
Will you make me the happiest
mother of Freddie on earth?
35
00:01:41,378 --> 00:01:44,415
(screaming)
36
00:01:50,221 --> 00:01:51,355
Is that a no?
37
00:01:51,455 --> 00:01:54,558
(others clapping)
38
00:01:54,658 --> 00:01:56,193
I want what they have.
39
00:01:56,293 --> 00:01:57,861
- Do you?
- Not really.
40
00:01:57,961 --> 00:02:00,597
- (door opens)
- Hey, Freddie...
41
00:02:01,965 --> 00:02:03,800
- Oh, yay! - Hi.
- Hi.
42
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:06,237
Pearl's here! Everybody, look!
43
00:02:06,337 --> 00:02:08,405
It's Pearl and she's here!
44
00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,674
A toast to Pearl!
45
00:02:12,075 --> 00:02:13,944
Who is here!
46
00:02:15,246 --> 00:02:16,480
Ah.
47
00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:18,081
Thanks,
48
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:21,452
- but Freddie is all the toast that I need.
- Aw.
49
00:02:22,786 --> 00:02:25,656
(groans) These are both empty.
50
00:02:26,590 --> 00:02:28,925
I'm engaged!
51
00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:33,896
I'm gonna dig up my mom
and laugh in her face!
52
00:02:33,997 --> 00:02:36,567
Aw, another couple
as happy as we are.
53
00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:37,868
- (chuckles)
- Sad I missed it.
54
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:40,003
Oh, hey, no prob, I
caught the whole thing.
55
00:02:40,103 --> 00:02:43,240
(chuckles): It looks like
Freddie is proposing to Carly.
56
00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:45,074
You want me to text it to you?
57
00:02:45,175 --> 00:02:46,877
(chuckles): If
you had been here,
58
00:02:46,977 --> 00:02:49,646
you would have
laughed and laughed,
59
00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:52,115
or made the face you're
making right now.
60
00:02:53,484 --> 00:02:54,718
? I know ?
61
00:02:54,818 --> 00:02:56,353
? You see ?
62
00:02:56,453 --> 00:02:58,722
? Somehow the world
will change for me ?
63
00:02:58,822 --> 00:03:01,992
? And be so wonderful ?
64
00:03:02,092 --> 00:03:05,596
? So wake up the
members of my nation ?
65
00:03:05,696 --> 00:03:07,798
? It's your time to be ?
66
00:03:07,898 --> 00:03:10,801
? There's no chance
unless you take one ?
67
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:13,504
? And the time to see
the brighter side ?
68
00:03:13,604 --> 00:03:16,807
? Of every situation ?
69
00:03:16,907 --> 00:03:18,609
? Some things are meant to be ?
70
00:03:18,709 --> 00:03:22,145
? So give me your best and
leave the rest to me. ?
71
00:03:26,783 --> 00:03:29,553
So, what'll it be?
72
00:03:29,653 --> 00:03:32,789
Wine and crying, or
whiskey and light violence?
73
00:03:32,889 --> 00:03:34,658
You're sweet, but
it's just gonna be
74
00:03:34,758 --> 00:03:36,427
my regular nightly routine...
75
00:03:36,527 --> 00:03:38,094
Drinking kombucha
from a wine glass
76
00:03:38,194 --> 00:03:41,231
and watching videos of soldiers
reuniting with their dogs.
77
00:03:41,332 --> 00:03:42,699
I'm fine.
78
00:03:42,799 --> 00:03:44,501
Really? 'Cause that
was more awkward than
79
00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:47,237
when we had to tell Millicent
her goldfish moved to Canada
80
00:03:47,338 --> 00:03:48,639
for the health care.
81
00:03:49,573 --> 00:03:50,774
Which part?
82
00:03:50,874 --> 00:03:52,074
Almost proposing to Carly
83
00:03:52,175 --> 00:03:54,144
after not talking to
her for three weeks?
84
00:03:54,244 --> 00:03:56,211
My girlfriend walking
in right after?
85
00:03:56,313 --> 00:03:59,416
My mom getting engaged to the
adult man I bullied as a child?
86
00:03:59,516 --> 00:04:04,521
Pearl outright refusing my
offer to text her that video?
87
00:04:04,621 --> 00:04:05,932
So, you and Carly
really didn't talk
88
00:04:05,956 --> 00:04:07,458
the entire time you were gone?
89
00:04:07,558 --> 00:04:08,992
Of course we didn't.
90
00:04:09,092 --> 00:04:11,828
He was on a super
romantic road trip.
91
00:04:11,928 --> 00:04:13,530
With my girlfriend.
92
00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:15,198
Pearl thought Carly
and I were in love,
93
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:17,601
and I want it to work
with Pearl, so I said,
94
00:04:17,701 --> 00:04:19,502
"Let's get in the
car and just drive."
95
00:04:19,603 --> 00:04:22,539
- (chuckles) Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- You know, spontaneous, romantic.
96
00:04:22,639 --> 00:04:23,907
A logistical nightmare.
97
00:04:24,007 --> 00:04:26,076
Who's driving? Where
are you staying?
98
00:04:26,176 --> 00:04:29,245
How long are you milking
one pair of underwear?
99
00:04:30,747 --> 00:04:32,683
It was just what we needed.
100
00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:35,851
That and couples therapy
four times a week.
101
00:04:35,952 --> 00:04:38,922
Mm. I can't do therapy.
Too smart for it.
102
00:04:40,591 --> 00:04:42,025
They're so committed.
103
00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:44,895
I mean, paying $200 an
hour to someone who knows
104
00:04:44,995 --> 00:04:47,097
what the problem is but
refuses to tell you?
105
00:04:47,197 --> 00:04:48,699
Freddie and Pearl are thriving.
106
00:04:48,799 --> 00:04:51,902
Okay, but what about
Freddie and Carly?
107
00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:53,837
When he ran after
Pearl on his birthday,
108
00:04:53,937 --> 00:04:56,707
you waited up for him
all night, crying.
109
00:04:57,674 --> 00:04:58,975
I was watching a sad movie.
110
00:04:59,075 --> 00:05:00,977
The sad movie was your life.
111
00:05:03,113 --> 00:05:05,816
Fine. You know, I
was upset that night.
112
00:05:05,916 --> 00:05:07,651
I wanted a conversation.
113
00:05:07,751 --> 00:05:11,855
And instead, I got a
text two days later.
114
00:05:11,955 --> 00:05:15,225
"Hit the open road with
my lady. Talk soon?"
115
00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:18,128
Stalk of wheat emoji.
116
00:05:18,895 --> 00:05:20,664
A perfect text.
117
00:05:20,764 --> 00:05:22,332
Stalk of wheat means impotence.
118
00:05:24,701 --> 00:05:26,036
So, that's it.
119
00:05:26,136 --> 00:05:27,580
No part of you thinks
that you're into Freddie?
120
00:05:27,604 --> 00:05:28,972
Well, that's the thing.
121
00:05:29,072 --> 00:05:30,974
You know, I shouldn't
have to think about it.
122
00:05:31,074 --> 00:05:33,510
I want someone that
I am crazy about.
123
00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:35,178
Someone that makes
my knees buckle.
124
00:05:35,278 --> 00:05:38,114
I just wish she'd stop running
away from the conversation.
125
00:05:38,214 --> 00:05:40,593
You drove through six states and
three sovereign indigenous areas
126
00:05:40,617 --> 00:05:41,851
in the same pair of underwear
127
00:05:41,952 --> 00:05:44,087
to get away from that
exact conversation.
128
00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:47,323
Well, he's back now.
You guys can talk.
129
00:05:47,424 --> 00:05:50,494
And I so want to do that,
130
00:05:50,594 --> 00:05:52,095
but I can't.
131
00:05:52,195 --> 00:05:54,164
Not everybody has time
to just go gallivanting
132
00:05:54,264 --> 00:05:57,868
across the Pacific Northwest
like some GD Sasquatch.
133
00:05:57,968 --> 00:06:00,103
I'm too busy with
my new project.
134
00:06:00,203 --> 00:06:03,874
And if that project is real,
I'm very happy for you.
135
00:06:03,974 --> 00:06:06,777
(scoffs): Oh, it's real.
136
00:06:08,078 --> 00:06:10,781
(whispers): Paul, I
need a new project.
137
00:06:10,881 --> 00:06:12,683
A real one.
138
00:06:15,185 --> 00:06:19,456
An outdoor Las Vegas wedding
in August at high noon?
139
00:06:19,556 --> 00:06:21,525
What a dream!
140
00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:24,427
We were considering Hawaii, but
there's just something classy
141
00:06:24,528 --> 00:06:27,130
about a place where you
can smoke in church.
142
00:06:27,230 --> 00:06:28,331
(phone chimes)
143
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:30,834
- Your Uber's here, lemon peel.
- Oh.
144
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:34,337
I use Marissa's account
since my rating is a 0.3.
145
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:37,874
They're literally allowed
to leave me anywhere.
146
00:06:37,974 --> 00:06:40,777
You will always have five
stars with this girl.
147
00:06:41,945 --> 00:06:43,514
It's sweet to see you so excited
148
00:06:43,614 --> 00:06:47,350
for their outdoor high noon
Las Vegas... Wait a minute.
149
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,220
I happened to hack
into Grandma B's email
150
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,923
and saw who she's considering
for maid of honor.
151
00:06:53,023 --> 00:06:54,591
Danica from book club.
152
00:06:54,691 --> 00:06:56,159
Wait, which Danica?
153
00:06:56,259 --> 00:06:57,870
The Danica who thought
Lean In was too sexy,
154
00:06:57,894 --> 00:06:59,663
or the Danica who never
takes off her beret?
155
00:06:59,763 --> 00:07:01,998
- Beret.
- Oh, Danica.
156
00:07:02,098 --> 00:07:03,900
Wait, have you
hacked into my email?
157
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,738
No, I respect you
too much. Wink.
158
00:07:09,339 --> 00:07:11,708
Don't feel bad. Danica's
been a maid of honor before,
159
00:07:11,808 --> 00:07:14,144
and those dogs are
still together.
160
00:07:14,244 --> 00:07:15,979
Are you saying all
I have to do is
161
00:07:16,079 --> 00:07:18,079
prove I'll be a better maid
of honor for Grandma B,
162
00:07:18,114 --> 00:07:19,282
and the gig is mine?
163
00:07:19,382 --> 00:07:21,184
You know I'm not.
164
00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:29,292
So glad I got to meet up with
my favorite client in person.
165
00:07:29,392 --> 00:07:30,937
You know, on the phone,
it's all business.
166
00:07:30,961 --> 00:07:32,505
If I don't get a new
project immediately,
167
00:07:32,529 --> 00:07:35,465
I am going to burn this
city to the ground.
168
00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:39,101
My cat's surgery went
great. Thanks for asking.
169
00:07:40,003 --> 00:07:41,872
- How about TV?
- I don't know.
170
00:07:41,972 --> 00:07:44,941
The last time I did a TV show,
I got replaced by a dinosaur.
171
00:07:45,041 --> 00:07:46,943
Well, kids love dinosaurs.
172
00:07:47,043 --> 00:07:48,723
This would be reality
TV, so it'll be real.
173
00:07:48,779 --> 00:07:51,347
Networks are hot for shows
about content creators.
174
00:07:51,447 --> 00:07:53,047
They figure your
followers will watch it.
175
00:07:53,116 --> 00:07:54,585
They won't, but who cares?
176
00:07:54,685 --> 00:07:56,486
We'll already have the cash.
177
00:07:56,587 --> 00:08:00,256
As long as I have total control
but people still like me.
178
00:08:00,356 --> 00:08:03,126
I want to be an absolute
boss in a fun way.
179
00:08:03,226 --> 00:08:06,730
Like "Go ahead, wear jeans
on Fridays, but fear me."
180
00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:09,800
Bully me, queen. (chuckles)
181
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,334
First thing we need is a hook,
182
00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:13,369
like how the
D'Amelios are sisters,
183
00:08:13,469 --> 00:08:15,872
or how the Kardashians
are sisters.
184
00:08:15,972 --> 00:08:17,908
Well, I guess the
hook is a sister.
185
00:08:18,008 --> 00:08:19,875
I only have a brother.
186
00:08:19,976 --> 00:08:21,778
Oh, right, Spencer.
187
00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:23,980
No.
188
00:08:25,048 --> 00:08:27,651
You know who might
make good TV? Freddie.
189
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:31,087
Freddie? Freddie Benson?
190
00:08:31,187 --> 00:08:32,623
Fredward "Freduccini" Benson?
191
00:08:32,722 --> 00:08:35,390
The neighbor boy who does
the five, four, three, two?
192
00:08:36,659 --> 00:08:38,459
(chuckles): Oh, I think
I know what's going on.
193
00:08:38,528 --> 00:08:41,331
Five, four, three,
two, you're smashing.
194
00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:44,100
What? No! Freddie
has a girlfriend.
195
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,637
Presumably they're smashing.
196
00:08:46,737 --> 00:08:48,471
Oh, so it's a love triangle?
197
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,373
Because that's a hook.
198
00:08:50,473 --> 00:08:52,275
Amore triangula.
199
00:08:52,375 --> 00:08:55,078
Except there is no triangle.
200
00:08:55,178 --> 00:08:58,114
There's a love line
between Freddie and Pearl.
201
00:08:58,214 --> 00:09:00,784
He and I are a squiggle at best.
202
00:09:00,884 --> 00:09:03,486
A squiggle. We're
gonna win an Emmy!
203
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,388
Whoo!
204
00:09:06,356 --> 00:09:09,726
Look, I am gonna
bring so much drama,
205
00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:12,462
you're not gonna even care
that Freddie's girlfriend
206
00:09:12,562 --> 00:09:14,597
- accused us of being in love.
- (gasps)
207
00:09:14,698 --> 00:09:17,367
Not that that happened.
208
00:09:18,168 --> 00:09:20,603
Amore triangula.
209
00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:29,445
You, latte me, you,
fix the lighting,
210
00:09:29,545 --> 00:09:32,849
and you, call my grandmother
and you tell her to apologize.
211
00:09:32,949 --> 00:09:35,652
(voice breaking): She
knows what she did.
212
00:09:38,789 --> 00:09:40,590
Carly! You look great.
213
00:09:40,691 --> 00:09:42,125
Very natural.
214
00:09:42,225 --> 00:09:43,626
I know, right?
215
00:09:43,727 --> 00:09:46,129
Rumor has it, my
ponytail belonged to
216
00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:48,498
Queen Elizabeth's horse.
217
00:09:49,432 --> 00:09:51,034
The real star has arrived!
218
00:09:51,134 --> 00:09:53,269
Somebody get me a director's
chair, a green juice
219
00:09:53,369 --> 00:09:55,271
and a PA to scream at!
220
00:09:55,371 --> 00:09:57,140
Hey, excuse me,
terrifying woman.
221
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,342
Do you know where I can
find Ms. Carly Shay?
222
00:09:59,442 --> 00:10:00,844
I'm right here.
223
00:10:00,944 --> 00:10:04,380
I'm just disguised under
this blanket of luxury.
224
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,016
Do I need to get into costume?
225
00:10:06,116 --> 00:10:08,018
PA, luxury blanket! Now!
226
00:10:08,118 --> 00:10:12,155
Spencer, I don't know how
to tell you this, so...
227
00:10:12,255 --> 00:10:14,090
I'm gonna make Paul do it.
228
00:10:15,391 --> 00:10:16,693
You've been recast.
229
00:10:16,793 --> 00:10:19,062
Hi, Carly! It's me, Sunny!
230
00:10:19,162 --> 00:10:21,464
You threw up on me
at hot bitch yoga?
231
00:10:21,564 --> 00:10:24,567
We nearly beat a man
to death together?
232
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,402
We're sisters and best friends?
233
00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:29,572
Oh, yes, our fun,
sisterly memories
234
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:32,142
of assault and bodily fluids.
235
00:10:33,143 --> 00:10:35,578
I ran a very routine DNA test,
236
00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:38,414
and it turns out Sunny
is Carly's 11th cousin.
237
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:39,926
But since she has a
massive following,
238
00:10:39,950 --> 00:10:41,251
we're rounding up to sister.
239
00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:42,986
If we're gonna be sisters,
240
00:10:43,086 --> 00:10:44,855
we should figure
out who's older.
241
00:10:44,955 --> 00:10:47,690
My filler guy and I
were thinking you.
242
00:10:48,624 --> 00:10:49,960
But I already told a woman
243
00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:52,062
I want to sleep with
that I'm on this show.
244
00:10:52,162 --> 00:10:53,797
I also told her that
I'm Dax Shepard,
245
00:10:53,897 --> 00:10:55,665
and I don't want to
lie to her twice.
246
00:10:55,766 --> 00:10:57,467
I'm sorry, Spencer.
247
00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:59,469
I'm not. That's showbiz, baby.
248
00:10:59,569 --> 00:11:01,471
Okay, you know what
you do need? A host.
249
00:11:01,571 --> 00:11:04,140
- That's me. I'm the host.
- This show doesn't have a host.
250
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,708
Next up on House of Shay,
251
00:11:05,809 --> 00:11:08,578
Paul shuts up and
admits he was wrong.
252
00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:13,784
Wow. I am feeling
good about this.
253
00:11:13,884 --> 00:11:15,618
I mean, we got a sister.
254
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,487
We got my literal ponytail.
255
00:11:17,587 --> 00:11:19,823
We got an unqualified
white male host.
256
00:11:19,923 --> 00:11:22,425
Yeah, and we've always
got the amore...
257
00:11:22,525 --> 00:11:23,860
No, don't say it.
258
00:11:24,828 --> 00:11:26,262
There's no need for it.
259
00:11:26,362 --> 00:11:28,598
Sunny and I are gonna
rip each other to shreds.
260
00:11:28,698 --> 00:11:31,902
Actually, I'm pivoting
away from "fighting."
261
00:11:32,002 --> 00:11:34,104
I learned to channel
my difficult emotions
262
00:11:34,204 --> 00:11:37,207
into reading YA fantasy
novels to the blind.
263
00:11:37,307 --> 00:11:38,674
I do all the voices.
264
00:11:39,475 --> 00:11:42,879
(deep, raspy voice):
Welcome to Troll Crossing.
265
00:11:47,217 --> 00:11:50,887
Hey, thanks for organizing this
suspiciously elaborate luncheon.
266
00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:53,056
- It's the least I could do.
- Hmm.
267
00:11:53,156 --> 00:11:55,258
Welcome to the
family, Mr. Sline.
268
00:11:55,358 --> 00:11:56,492
Or should I say Pop-Pop?
269
00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:59,362
(screaming, laughing)
270
00:12:00,296 --> 00:12:03,266
It'll be nice to have a strong
male role model in my life.
271
00:12:03,366 --> 00:12:06,036
I taught you how to hunt.
272
00:12:07,237 --> 00:12:08,905
This is all so fancy.
273
00:12:09,005 --> 00:12:12,642
These are the kind of
plates you use again.
274
00:12:13,543 --> 00:12:16,046
Oh, no, my fun blouse!
275
00:12:16,146 --> 00:12:18,748
Would you like me to
lick it off, orange rind?
276
00:12:18,849 --> 00:12:20,516
No need for that, Pop-Pop.
277
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,585
I have a stain
remover right here.
278
00:12:22,685 --> 00:12:24,387
I also have a lint
roller, a sewing kit
279
00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:27,423
and your favorite shade
of medicated ChapStick.
280
00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:29,225
ALL: Clear.
281
00:12:30,726 --> 00:12:31,995
Hey, those are all things
282
00:12:32,095 --> 00:12:33,696
a maid of honor would
have at a wedding.
283
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:35,932
You haven't picked
one out yet, have you?
284
00:12:36,032 --> 00:12:39,302
- (utensils clatter)
- Oh.
285
00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:41,771
Don't you think forcing
the conversation
286
00:12:41,872 --> 00:12:43,773
before she's ready will
do more harm than good?
287
00:12:43,874 --> 00:12:45,751
Don't you think you're
confusing my thing with Granny
288
00:12:45,775 --> 00:12:48,178
and your thing with Carly?
289
00:12:52,215 --> 00:12:56,286
You have to kiss a lot of frogs
before you can find your prince.
290
00:12:56,386 --> 00:12:58,254
And let me tell
you, Grandma B spent
291
00:12:58,354 --> 00:13:00,891
a lot of time in the
swamp. (chuckles)
292
00:13:00,991 --> 00:13:02,825
Pause for laughter.
293
00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:04,827
(cell phone chimes)
294
00:13:04,928 --> 00:13:07,663
Oh, it's Danica from book club.
295
00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:11,201
She put her beret in the dryer,
and now it's way too small!
296
00:13:11,301 --> 00:13:12,835
Can she give it
to her pet mouse?
297
00:13:12,936 --> 00:13:15,538
No, you know Julien hates hats.
298
00:13:15,638 --> 00:13:17,073
She needs us.
299
00:13:19,475 --> 00:13:22,312
I never should have
paused for laughter.
300
00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,517
Welcome back to the
most dramatic episode
301
00:13:27,617 --> 00:13:29,185
of any show ever.
302
00:13:29,285 --> 00:13:32,422
Still in play are two
immunity idols, four roses,
303
00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:34,690
and a lip sync for your life.
304
00:13:34,790 --> 00:13:37,393
And it all starts... now.
305
00:13:38,461 --> 00:13:41,932
Okay, uh, Carly, Sunny,
let's try this yet again.
306
00:13:42,032 --> 00:13:45,501
I need some real conflict. Okay?
307
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:47,670
Okay.
308
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:52,075
You ate the last of
the peanut butter
309
00:13:52,175 --> 00:13:54,110
and then put the jar
back in the cabinet.
310
00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:57,780
So I thought there was
more, but there wasn't!
311
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,283
Oh, do we live together?
312
00:14:00,383 --> 00:14:01,918
That's fun.
313
00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,455
Sunny, no, we need more drama.
314
00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:07,557
You know what? Wh-Why
don't you just hit me
315
00:14:07,657 --> 00:14:08,858
one time, real quick.
316
00:14:08,959 --> 00:14:11,161
Oh, I'll hit you, with
some character work.
317
00:14:11,261 --> 00:14:14,164
(silly voice): Greetings
from Troll Crossing.
318
00:14:15,498 --> 00:14:17,633
Oh, this is nothing.
319
00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:19,269
Cut!
320
00:14:19,369 --> 00:14:24,240
(sighs) That was everything
I look for in reality TV.
321
00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:29,379
I mean, peanut butter larceny,
roommates, that voice.
322
00:14:30,213 --> 00:14:32,815
I wanted more troll.
323
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,385
It's not working. Look.
324
00:14:35,485 --> 00:14:37,496
You know what every reality
show has that we're missing?
325
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,590
Writers, wine
throwing, Andy Cohen?
326
00:14:41,457 --> 00:14:42,817
Don't you dare
shift those fingers.
327
00:14:42,858 --> 00:14:44,227
Don't you shift them!
328
00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:45,671
- Don't.
- It's bigger than the both of us.
329
00:14:45,695 --> 00:14:47,397
Oh!
330
00:14:48,731 --> 00:14:50,233
Look, Paul.
331
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,402
I don't have
feelings for Freddie,
332
00:14:52,502 --> 00:14:54,537
but it's complicated.
333
00:14:54,637 --> 00:14:57,216
-You know, I don't know much about
friendship squiggles -(elevator bell chimes)
334
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,010
or sex rhombuses, but... (gasps)
335
00:15:01,211 --> 00:15:03,446
(whispers): Amore triangula.
336
00:15:09,819 --> 00:15:13,323
Look, the road trippers
finally made the trip to set.
337
00:15:13,423 --> 00:15:16,959
(laughs): I also have
a fulfilling life.
338
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:19,105
FREDDIE: I was surprised
you're doing another TV show.
339
00:15:19,129 --> 00:15:21,531
Last time, you got
replaced by a dinosaur.
340
00:15:21,631 --> 00:15:23,366
Oh, kids love dinosaurs.
341
00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,868
(roars) Love me.
342
00:15:26,702 --> 00:15:28,171
That was a dinosaur.
343
00:15:28,271 --> 00:15:31,907
So, you two sure you want
to be on my reality show?
344
00:15:32,008 --> 00:15:35,245
Yes. We had an emergency
session with Dr. Susan,
345
00:15:35,345 --> 00:15:36,912
during which I told Freddie,
346
00:15:37,013 --> 00:15:39,482
"If you're sure you have no
feelings for Carly whatsoever,
347
00:15:39,582 --> 00:15:41,151
"we should do the show.
348
00:15:41,251 --> 00:15:43,453
"And any scene I'm not
in, I'll sit on the side
349
00:15:43,553 --> 00:15:46,122
with my arms crossed,
watching closely."
350
00:15:47,023 --> 00:15:49,925
To which I replied,
"How can I say no?"
351
00:15:50,026 --> 00:15:54,464
(chuckles) Do I get $200 an hour
for listening to that story?
352
00:15:54,564 --> 00:15:57,500
(laughs) Fun.
353
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:01,071
Is it too late to replace
me with a dinosaur?
354
00:16:01,171 --> 00:16:02,172
I'm on it?
355
00:16:02,272 --> 00:16:03,873
But until then,
356
00:16:03,973 --> 00:16:08,544
I have got a fun and relaxing
activity for you all to enjoy.
357
00:16:08,644 --> 00:16:11,114
Aerial silking!
358
00:16:13,349 --> 00:16:15,185
I do not feel relaxed!
359
00:16:15,285 --> 00:16:16,652
Perfect, perfect.
360
00:16:16,752 --> 00:16:18,954
Use that anxiety to
fuel your confrontation
361
00:16:19,055 --> 00:16:21,157
at the dramatic height
of two to three feet.
362
00:16:21,257 --> 00:16:23,293
(grunts) Can I get a helmet?
363
00:16:23,393 --> 00:16:25,361
Can you make that two?
364
00:16:25,461 --> 00:16:27,130
Freddie, I'm flying!
365
00:16:28,431 --> 00:16:30,166
She's very flexible.
366
00:16:30,266 --> 00:16:31,967
Triple-jointed elbows.
367
00:16:32,068 --> 00:16:35,071
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
368
00:16:43,246 --> 00:16:45,948
Carly, don't worry about
the actual silking.
369
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,917
Uh, worry about
being alone forever
370
00:16:48,017 --> 00:16:51,421
because Freddie refuses
to speak to you. Wow.
371
00:16:51,521 --> 00:16:53,756
Is that what she told you?
372
00:16:55,725 --> 00:16:57,593
Why did no one fetch
me from my trailer
373
00:16:57,693 --> 00:17:00,130
that should have been
provided? I am the host.
374
00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:01,597
There's no host.
375
00:17:01,697 --> 00:17:05,101
Our first twist is a twist.
376
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,502
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
377
00:17:06,602 --> 00:17:08,371
- Dude, no, no!
- (Carly yelping)
378
00:17:08,471 --> 00:17:10,973
Oh, God! I may not survive this!
379
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,142
CARLY: Aah! I
need a Dramamine!
380
00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:15,945
I was Peter Pan off Broadway.
381
00:17:16,045 --> 00:17:17,813
Hey, Freddie. Freddie,
Freddie, Freddie.
382
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:20,449
Do you know what Carly's
been saying about you? I do.
383
00:17:20,550 --> 00:17:22,852
Because I've got the receipts.
384
00:17:22,952 --> 00:17:25,821
- Those are from CVS.
- I know, but I used them to write down
385
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,158
everything you told
me the other day.
386
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:29,257
Here we go, here we go.
387
00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:30,593
Um... (clears throat)
388
00:17:30,693 --> 00:17:32,413
Pearl could tell you
and Carly were in love.
389
00:17:32,495 --> 00:17:34,930
You went after Pearl while Carly
waited up all night for you,
390
00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:37,667
- crying her eyes out...
- (screaming)
391
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:40,336
- Oh, my... (groans)
- (grunts)
392
00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:42,572
That's going on the sizzle reel.
393
00:17:42,672 --> 00:17:45,841
Let's do it again, but
this time tackle Pearl.
394
00:17:47,143 --> 00:17:49,212
I am done with this.
395
00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:51,381
But...
396
00:17:51,481 --> 00:17:54,817
But I am keeping the ponytail.
397
00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:00,323
(exhales sharply)
398
00:18:00,423 --> 00:18:03,259
Okay, fine. I'll play Carly.
399
00:18:06,529 --> 00:18:08,664
Hey, Milli-Vanil.
400
00:18:08,764 --> 00:18:10,099
You doing okay?
401
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,835
Grandma B officially
chose her maid of honor,
402
00:18:12,935 --> 00:18:16,372
and it's Danica, from book club.
403
00:18:16,472 --> 00:18:18,308
(cries): With the beret.
404
00:18:18,408 --> 00:18:21,143
Hey, your grandmother
worships you, okay?
405
00:18:21,244 --> 00:18:23,045
You are going to be
part of her wedding.
406
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:25,481
Don't tell me I'm
gonna be an usher.
407
00:18:25,581 --> 00:18:27,617
I will accept DJ or higher.
408
00:18:27,717 --> 00:18:29,785
Relationships
aren't about titles.
409
00:18:29,885 --> 00:18:31,621
They're about being
there for each other.
410
00:18:31,721 --> 00:18:33,623
Even when they make
questionable choices?
411
00:18:33,723 --> 00:18:35,391
Even when you're
dangling from the ceiling
412
00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:38,661
- with a silk so far up your butt that you...
- I beg you.
413
00:18:38,761 --> 00:18:40,663
Have secrets.
414
00:18:41,931 --> 00:18:44,734
Millicent, we have something
we wanted to ask you.
415
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:47,002
? There's a girl living here ?
416
00:18:47,102 --> 00:18:48,904
? That we always hold dear ?
417
00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:51,974
? Good old Millicent ?
418
00:18:52,074 --> 00:18:54,377
Is this happening?
Did Danica die?
419
00:18:54,477 --> 00:18:57,813
? Such grit and such fight,
sweet as Turkish delight ?
420
00:18:57,913 --> 00:19:00,783
? She's good old Millicent ?
421
00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:04,587
? The virtues that we extol ?
422
00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:07,823
? Deserve a starring role ?
423
00:19:07,923 --> 00:19:13,095
? Will you please,
please marry us? ?
424
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,397
Be your officiant?
425
00:19:14,497 --> 00:19:17,667
Yes! That's, like,
higher than the bride!
426
00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:23,806
And then I tackled
Paul to the ground.
427
00:19:24,707 --> 00:19:26,942
In a cool way?
428
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:28,344
No.
429
00:19:28,444 --> 00:19:30,012
(knocking)
430
00:19:30,112 --> 00:19:32,882
Hey, Carly, um...
431
00:19:32,982 --> 00:19:34,450
can we finally talk?
432
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,289
- Oh, I'd love to, but, uh, Harper is...
- Bye.
433
00:19:39,389 --> 00:19:41,090
A terrible friend.
434
00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:45,428
What do you want to talk about?
435
00:19:45,528 --> 00:19:47,229
How bananas are going extinct?
436
00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:49,164
What's gonna happen
to smoothies?
437
00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:51,310
- I know some people like to put almonds in it, so...
- Um...
438
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:54,970
How about why you
flying-tackled Paul?
439
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,908
I guess that's a
good topic, too.
440
00:20:01,744 --> 00:20:03,646
I did wait up for
you that night,
441
00:20:03,746 --> 00:20:06,148
but then you went
off with Pearl,
442
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:09,419
and things are going
so great with you guys,
443
00:20:09,519 --> 00:20:12,522
I just thought, you know,
maybe we don't need to talk.
444
00:20:12,622 --> 00:20:16,326
Maybe we could just go back
to being Freddie and Carly.
445
00:20:16,426 --> 00:20:17,960
So I...
446
00:20:18,060 --> 00:20:21,397
Created a whole-ass reality show
just to avoid talking to me?
447
00:20:21,497 --> 00:20:23,866
Just as any normal person would.
448
00:20:27,036 --> 00:20:29,171
Look, I'll admit it.
449
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,441
Over the years,
I've thought about
450
00:20:31,541 --> 00:20:34,009
whether we should be together.
451
00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:35,911
And thought about it...
452
00:20:36,011 --> 00:20:39,715
BOTH: And thought about
it and thought about it.
453
00:20:40,983 --> 00:20:42,461
But you shouldn't have
to think about it.
454
00:20:42,485 --> 00:20:44,019
Exactly.
455
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:46,856
And...
456
00:20:46,956 --> 00:20:49,191
you know what I never
have to think about?
457
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,761
Being Carly and Freddie.
458
00:20:53,162 --> 00:20:54,630
I know.
459
00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:56,198
It's the best.
460
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,233
(phone chimes)
461
00:20:59,068 --> 00:21:00,736
Shoot, I got to go.
462
00:21:00,836 --> 00:21:03,072
Uh, Pearl is legit about
to join the circus.
463
00:21:03,172 --> 00:21:05,475
(chuckles): And she could.
464
00:21:05,575 --> 00:21:07,577
Pearl T. Barnum over here.
465
00:21:07,677 --> 00:21:09,044
(chuckles)
466
00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:12,114
Well, thanks for
doing the show today.
467
00:21:12,214 --> 00:21:14,450
Or should I thank Dr. Susan?
468
00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:16,552
(chuckles) Of course.
469
00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,287
Paul said it was
important to you.
470
00:21:18,388 --> 00:21:23,058
And no matter what awkward phase
of Carly-Freddie-dom we're in,
471
00:21:23,158 --> 00:21:26,396
no matter who we're dating
or how little we know
472
00:21:26,496 --> 00:21:28,964
about what we're signing up for,
473
00:21:29,064 --> 00:21:32,267
I am always gonna
be there for you.
474
00:21:32,368 --> 00:21:33,836
I promise.
475
00:21:33,936 --> 00:21:35,971
(phone chimes)
476
00:21:37,206 --> 00:21:41,010
How does a leotard cost $7,000?
477
00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:44,046
I got to go, but,
hey, look at us.
478
00:21:44,146 --> 00:21:46,749
We did it, we're
talking, huh? Go us!
479
00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:48,451
Okay, bye.
480
00:21:49,419 --> 00:21:51,387
(door closes)
481
00:21:51,487 --> 00:21:53,556
Did your knees...?
482
00:21:53,656 --> 00:21:56,025
Yeah. They did. I buckled.
483
00:21:56,125 --> 00:21:59,895
Wine and crying, or
whiskey and light violence?
484
00:21:59,995 --> 00:22:01,497
All of the above.
485
00:22:05,868 --> 00:22:08,237
Carly Shay is an influencer.
486
00:22:08,337 --> 00:22:10,372
I'm under this
blanket of luxury.
487
00:22:10,473 --> 00:22:12,341
PAUL: She's relatable
to all women.
488
00:22:12,442 --> 00:22:14,276
(roars) Love me.
489
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:16,979
PAUL: She and her attractive,
successful siblings...
490
00:22:17,079 --> 00:22:18,448
She knows what she did.
491
00:22:18,548 --> 00:22:20,550
(deep, raspy voice):
Welcome to Troll Crossing.
492
00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:23,853
PAUL: plagued by hangers-on,
desperate to get on TV.
493
00:22:23,953 --> 00:22:25,387
Why did no one fetch me?
494
00:22:25,488 --> 00:22:26,388
I'm Dax Shepard.
495
00:22:26,489 --> 00:22:27,690
Will she ditch the losers
496
00:22:27,790 --> 00:22:29,892
and tackle her insecurities?
497
00:22:29,992 --> 00:22:32,394
All this on House of Shay.
498
00:22:33,863 --> 00:22:36,298
I didn't know it was
gonna be that bad.
499
00:22:37,332 --> 00:22:40,736
Or that Paul was gonna
recast himself as my brother.
500
00:22:40,836 --> 00:22:43,873
(scoffs) I love it.
501
00:22:44,574 --> 00:22:46,241
Dax Shepard's gonna say he's me.
502
00:22:47,109 --> 00:22:48,343
Every network passed.
503
00:22:48,444 --> 00:22:50,145
Ah, makes sense.
504
00:23:21,844 --> 00:23:22,878
Ooh.
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