All language subtitles for iCarly s03e01 iGot a Hot Room.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,349 ALL: Ooh! 2 00:00:05,449 --> 00:00:08,952 Look, Freddie. Spit-shined and ready to go. 3 00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:10,487 Wait. 4 00:00:10,587 --> 00:00:12,923 (gargles, spits) 5 00:00:13,957 --> 00:00:17,027 Just needed a little more spit. 6 00:00:19,263 --> 00:00:22,299 Ooh, is this one of those edible arrangements? 7 00:00:22,399 --> 00:00:24,701 (spits) No. 8 00:00:25,536 --> 00:00:26,803 So, are you nervous? 9 00:00:26,903 --> 00:00:28,272 (scoffs) 10 00:00:28,372 --> 00:00:30,674 Does LeBron James get nervous before the big game? 11 00:00:30,774 --> 00:00:33,310 Are you LeBron James in this situation? 12 00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:34,845 (laughs nervously) 13 00:00:34,945 --> 00:00:37,814 I'm the one who convinced these two to give it a shot, 14 00:00:37,914 --> 00:00:39,816 but you don't see anyone giving me a diamond. 15 00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:42,519 Do you think they'll give me a diamond? 16 00:00:42,619 --> 00:00:45,256 Oh, Millicent, this isn't about you. 17 00:00:45,356 --> 00:00:46,590 Now let me stand to your right 18 00:00:46,690 --> 00:00:48,959 so I get my good side in the pictures. 19 00:00:51,428 --> 00:00:52,963 Oh, I got it. 20 00:00:56,633 --> 00:00:58,802 (chuckles): Yes! 21 00:00:58,902 --> 00:01:01,037 It's covered in my mother's spit. 22 00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:03,540 It really is. 23 00:01:09,213 --> 00:01:11,582 "Hello, Carly. We haven't spoken in three weeks, 24 00:01:11,682 --> 00:01:13,884 so let me just say something weird to you." 25 00:01:15,652 --> 00:01:17,554 Uh, is this an intervention? 26 00:01:17,654 --> 00:01:19,189 - (door closes) - Fine, Marissa. 27 00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:21,592 It is me eating your makeup, 28 00:01:21,692 --> 00:01:24,495 but I can stop any time I want! 29 00:01:25,762 --> 00:01:28,632 Lewbert Robinette Patricia Sline... 30 00:01:28,732 --> 00:01:30,467 (whispers): Robinette Patricia? 31 00:01:30,567 --> 00:01:33,003 (whispers): I know. I love it. 32 00:01:33,103 --> 00:01:35,606 Lewbert, my Big Sline, 33 00:01:35,706 --> 00:01:38,475 - my Sline Ball. - Uh... 34 00:01:38,575 --> 00:01:41,278 Will you make me the happiest mother of Freddie on earth? 35 00:01:41,378 --> 00:01:44,415 (screaming) 36 00:01:50,221 --> 00:01:51,355 Is that a no? 37 00:01:51,455 --> 00:01:54,558 (others clapping) 38 00:01:54,658 --> 00:01:56,193 I want what they have. 39 00:01:56,293 --> 00:01:57,861 - Do you? - Not really. 40 00:01:57,961 --> 00:02:00,597 - (door opens) - Hey, Freddie... 41 00:02:01,965 --> 00:02:03,800 - Oh, yay! - Hi. - Hi. 42 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:06,237 Pearl's here! Everybody, look! 43 00:02:06,337 --> 00:02:08,405 It's Pearl and she's here! 44 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,674 A toast to Pearl! 45 00:02:12,075 --> 00:02:13,944 Who is here! 46 00:02:15,246 --> 00:02:16,480 Ah. 47 00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:18,081 Thanks, 48 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:21,452 - but Freddie is all the toast that I need. - Aw. 49 00:02:22,786 --> 00:02:25,656 (groans) These are both empty. 50 00:02:26,590 --> 00:02:28,925 I'm engaged! 51 00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:33,896 I'm gonna dig up my mom and laugh in her face! 52 00:02:33,997 --> 00:02:36,567 Aw, another couple as happy as we are. 53 00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:37,868 - (chuckles) - Sad I missed it. 54 00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:40,003 Oh, hey, no prob, I caught the whole thing. 55 00:02:40,103 --> 00:02:43,240 (chuckles): It looks like Freddie is proposing to Carly. 56 00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:45,074 You want me to text it to you? 57 00:02:45,175 --> 00:02:46,877 (chuckles): If you had been here, 58 00:02:46,977 --> 00:02:49,646 you would have laughed and laughed, 59 00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:52,115 or made the face you're making right now. 60 00:02:53,484 --> 00:02:54,718 ? I know ? 61 00:02:54,818 --> 00:02:56,353 ? You see ? 62 00:02:56,453 --> 00:02:58,722 ? Somehow the world will change for me ? 63 00:02:58,822 --> 00:03:01,992 ? And be so wonderful ? 64 00:03:02,092 --> 00:03:05,596 ? So wake up the members of my nation ? 65 00:03:05,696 --> 00:03:07,798 ? It's your time to be ? 66 00:03:07,898 --> 00:03:10,801 ? There's no chance unless you take one ? 67 00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:13,504 ? And the time to see the brighter side ? 68 00:03:13,604 --> 00:03:16,807 ? Of every situation ? 69 00:03:16,907 --> 00:03:18,609 ? Some things are meant to be ? 70 00:03:18,709 --> 00:03:22,145 ? So give me your best and leave the rest to me. ? 71 00:03:26,783 --> 00:03:29,553 So, what'll it be? 72 00:03:29,653 --> 00:03:32,789 Wine and crying, or whiskey and light violence? 73 00:03:32,889 --> 00:03:34,658 You're sweet, but it's just gonna be 74 00:03:34,758 --> 00:03:36,427 my regular nightly routine... 75 00:03:36,527 --> 00:03:38,094 Drinking kombucha from a wine glass 76 00:03:38,194 --> 00:03:41,231 and watching videos of soldiers reuniting with their dogs. 77 00:03:41,332 --> 00:03:42,699 I'm fine. 78 00:03:42,799 --> 00:03:44,501 Really? 'Cause that was more awkward than 79 00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:47,237 when we had to tell Millicent her goldfish moved to Canada 80 00:03:47,338 --> 00:03:48,639 for the health care. 81 00:03:49,573 --> 00:03:50,774 Which part? 82 00:03:50,874 --> 00:03:52,074 Almost proposing to Carly 83 00:03:52,175 --> 00:03:54,144 after not talking to her for three weeks? 84 00:03:54,244 --> 00:03:56,211 My girlfriend walking in right after? 85 00:03:56,313 --> 00:03:59,416 My mom getting engaged to the adult man I bullied as a child? 86 00:03:59,516 --> 00:04:04,521 Pearl outright refusing my offer to text her that video? 87 00:04:04,621 --> 00:04:05,932 So, you and Carly really didn't talk 88 00:04:05,956 --> 00:04:07,458 the entire time you were gone? 89 00:04:07,558 --> 00:04:08,992 Of course we didn't. 90 00:04:09,092 --> 00:04:11,828 He was on a super romantic road trip. 91 00:04:11,928 --> 00:04:13,530 With my girlfriend. 92 00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:15,198 Pearl thought Carly and I were in love, 93 00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:17,601 and I want it to work with Pearl, so I said, 94 00:04:17,701 --> 00:04:19,502 "Let's get in the car and just drive." 95 00:04:19,603 --> 00:04:22,539 - (chuckles) Mm-hmm. Yeah. - You know, spontaneous, romantic. 96 00:04:22,639 --> 00:04:23,907 A logistical nightmare. 97 00:04:24,007 --> 00:04:26,076 Who's driving? Where are you staying? 98 00:04:26,176 --> 00:04:29,245 How long are you milking one pair of underwear? 99 00:04:30,747 --> 00:04:32,683 It was just what we needed. 100 00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:35,851 That and couples therapy four times a week. 101 00:04:35,952 --> 00:04:38,922 Mm. I can't do therapy. Too smart for it. 102 00:04:40,591 --> 00:04:42,025 They're so committed. 103 00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:44,895 I mean, paying $200 an hour to someone who knows 104 00:04:44,995 --> 00:04:47,097 what the problem is but refuses to tell you? 105 00:04:47,197 --> 00:04:48,699 Freddie and Pearl are thriving. 106 00:04:48,799 --> 00:04:51,902 Okay, but what about Freddie and Carly? 107 00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:53,837 When he ran after Pearl on his birthday, 108 00:04:53,937 --> 00:04:56,707 you waited up for him all night, crying. 109 00:04:57,674 --> 00:04:58,975 I was watching a sad movie. 110 00:04:59,075 --> 00:05:00,977 The sad movie was your life. 111 00:05:03,113 --> 00:05:05,816 Fine. You know, I was upset that night. 112 00:05:05,916 --> 00:05:07,651 I wanted a conversation. 113 00:05:07,751 --> 00:05:11,855 And instead, I got a text two days later. 114 00:05:11,955 --> 00:05:15,225 "Hit the open road with my lady. Talk soon?" 115 00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:18,128 Stalk of wheat emoji. 116 00:05:18,895 --> 00:05:20,664 A perfect text. 117 00:05:20,764 --> 00:05:22,332 Stalk of wheat means impotence. 118 00:05:24,701 --> 00:05:26,036 So, that's it. 119 00:05:26,136 --> 00:05:27,580 No part of you thinks that you're into Freddie? 120 00:05:27,604 --> 00:05:28,972 Well, that's the thing. 121 00:05:29,072 --> 00:05:30,974 You know, I shouldn't have to think about it. 122 00:05:31,074 --> 00:05:33,510 I want someone that I am crazy about. 123 00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:35,178 Someone that makes my knees buckle. 124 00:05:35,278 --> 00:05:38,114 I just wish she'd stop running away from the conversation. 125 00:05:38,214 --> 00:05:40,593 You drove through six states and three sovereign indigenous areas 126 00:05:40,617 --> 00:05:41,851 in the same pair of underwear 127 00:05:41,952 --> 00:05:44,087 to get away from that exact conversation. 128 00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:47,323 Well, he's back now. You guys can talk. 129 00:05:47,424 --> 00:05:50,494 And I so want to do that, 130 00:05:50,594 --> 00:05:52,095 but I can't. 131 00:05:52,195 --> 00:05:54,164 Not everybody has time to just go gallivanting 132 00:05:54,264 --> 00:05:57,868 across the Pacific Northwest like some GD Sasquatch. 133 00:05:57,968 --> 00:06:00,103 I'm too busy with my new project. 134 00:06:00,203 --> 00:06:03,874 And if that project is real, I'm very happy for you. 135 00:06:03,974 --> 00:06:06,777 (scoffs): Oh, it's real. 136 00:06:08,078 --> 00:06:10,781 (whispers): Paul, I need a new project. 137 00:06:10,881 --> 00:06:12,683 A real one. 138 00:06:15,185 --> 00:06:19,456 An outdoor Las Vegas wedding in August at high noon? 139 00:06:19,556 --> 00:06:21,525 What a dream! 140 00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:24,427 We were considering Hawaii, but there's just something classy 141 00:06:24,528 --> 00:06:27,130 about a place where you can smoke in church. 142 00:06:27,230 --> 00:06:28,331 (phone chimes) 143 00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:30,834 - Your Uber's here, lemon peel. - Oh. 144 00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:34,337 I use Marissa's account since my rating is a 0.3. 145 00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:37,874 They're literally allowed to leave me anywhere. 146 00:06:37,974 --> 00:06:40,777 You will always have five stars with this girl. 147 00:06:41,945 --> 00:06:43,514 It's sweet to see you so excited 148 00:06:43,614 --> 00:06:47,350 for their outdoor high noon Las Vegas... Wait a minute. 149 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,220 I happened to hack into Grandma B's email 150 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,923 and saw who she's considering for maid of honor. 151 00:06:53,023 --> 00:06:54,591 Danica from book club. 152 00:06:54,691 --> 00:06:56,159 Wait, which Danica? 153 00:06:56,259 --> 00:06:57,870 The Danica who thought Lean In was too sexy, 154 00:06:57,894 --> 00:06:59,663 or the Danica who never takes off her beret? 155 00:06:59,763 --> 00:07:01,998 - Beret. - Oh, Danica. 156 00:07:02,098 --> 00:07:03,900 Wait, have you hacked into my email? 157 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,738 No, I respect you too much. Wink. 158 00:07:09,339 --> 00:07:11,708 Don't feel bad. Danica's been a maid of honor before, 159 00:07:11,808 --> 00:07:14,144 and those dogs are still together. 160 00:07:14,244 --> 00:07:15,979 Are you saying all I have to do is 161 00:07:16,079 --> 00:07:18,079 prove I'll be a better maid of honor for Grandma B, 162 00:07:18,114 --> 00:07:19,282 and the gig is mine? 163 00:07:19,382 --> 00:07:21,184 You know I'm not. 164 00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:29,292 So glad I got to meet up with my favorite client in person. 165 00:07:29,392 --> 00:07:30,937 You know, on the phone, it's all business. 166 00:07:30,961 --> 00:07:32,505 If I don't get a new project immediately, 167 00:07:32,529 --> 00:07:35,465 I am going to burn this city to the ground. 168 00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:39,101 My cat's surgery went great. Thanks for asking. 169 00:07:40,003 --> 00:07:41,872 - How about TV? - I don't know. 170 00:07:41,972 --> 00:07:44,941 The last time I did a TV show, I got replaced by a dinosaur. 171 00:07:45,041 --> 00:07:46,943 Well, kids love dinosaurs. 172 00:07:47,043 --> 00:07:48,723 This would be reality TV, so it'll be real. 173 00:07:48,779 --> 00:07:51,347 Networks are hot for shows about content creators. 174 00:07:51,447 --> 00:07:53,047 They figure your followers will watch it. 175 00:07:53,116 --> 00:07:54,585 They won't, but who cares? 176 00:07:54,685 --> 00:07:56,486 We'll already have the cash. 177 00:07:56,587 --> 00:08:00,256 As long as I have total control but people still like me. 178 00:08:00,356 --> 00:08:03,126 I want to be an absolute boss in a fun way. 179 00:08:03,226 --> 00:08:06,730 Like "Go ahead, wear jeans on Fridays, but fear me." 180 00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:09,800 Bully me, queen. (chuckles) 181 00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,334 First thing we need is a hook, 182 00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:13,369 like how the D'Amelios are sisters, 183 00:08:13,469 --> 00:08:15,872 or how the Kardashians are sisters. 184 00:08:15,972 --> 00:08:17,908 Well, I guess the hook is a sister. 185 00:08:18,008 --> 00:08:19,875 I only have a brother. 186 00:08:19,976 --> 00:08:21,778 Oh, right, Spencer. 187 00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:23,980 No. 188 00:08:25,048 --> 00:08:27,651 You know who might make good TV? Freddie. 189 00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:31,087 Freddie? Freddie Benson? 190 00:08:31,187 --> 00:08:32,623 Fredward "Freduccini" Benson? 191 00:08:32,722 --> 00:08:35,390 The neighbor boy who does the five, four, three, two? 192 00:08:36,659 --> 00:08:38,459 (chuckles): Oh, I think I know what's going on. 193 00:08:38,528 --> 00:08:41,331 Five, four, three, two, you're smashing. 194 00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:44,100 What? No! Freddie has a girlfriend. 195 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,637 Presumably they're smashing. 196 00:08:46,737 --> 00:08:48,471 Oh, so it's a love triangle? 197 00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,373 Because that's a hook. 198 00:08:50,473 --> 00:08:52,275 Amore triangula. 199 00:08:52,375 --> 00:08:55,078 Except there is no triangle. 200 00:08:55,178 --> 00:08:58,114 There's a love line between Freddie and Pearl. 201 00:08:58,214 --> 00:09:00,784 He and I are a squiggle at best. 202 00:09:00,884 --> 00:09:03,486 A squiggle. We're gonna win an Emmy! 203 00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,388 Whoo! 204 00:09:06,356 --> 00:09:09,726 Look, I am gonna bring so much drama, 205 00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:12,462 you're not gonna even care that Freddie's girlfriend 206 00:09:12,562 --> 00:09:14,597 - accused us of being in love. - (gasps) 207 00:09:14,698 --> 00:09:17,367 Not that that happened. 208 00:09:18,168 --> 00:09:20,603 Amore triangula. 209 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:29,445 You, latte me, you, fix the lighting, 210 00:09:29,545 --> 00:09:32,849 and you, call my grandmother and you tell her to apologize. 211 00:09:32,949 --> 00:09:35,652 (voice breaking): She knows what she did. 212 00:09:38,789 --> 00:09:40,590 Carly! You look great. 213 00:09:40,691 --> 00:09:42,125 Very natural. 214 00:09:42,225 --> 00:09:43,626 I know, right? 215 00:09:43,727 --> 00:09:46,129 Rumor has it, my ponytail belonged to 216 00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:48,498 Queen Elizabeth's horse. 217 00:09:49,432 --> 00:09:51,034 The real star has arrived! 218 00:09:51,134 --> 00:09:53,269 Somebody get me a director's chair, a green juice 219 00:09:53,369 --> 00:09:55,271 and a PA to scream at! 220 00:09:55,371 --> 00:09:57,140 Hey, excuse me, terrifying woman. 221 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,342 Do you know where I can find Ms. Carly Shay? 222 00:09:59,442 --> 00:10:00,844 I'm right here. 223 00:10:00,944 --> 00:10:04,380 I'm just disguised under this blanket of luxury. 224 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,016 Do I need to get into costume? 225 00:10:06,116 --> 00:10:08,018 PA, luxury blanket! Now! 226 00:10:08,118 --> 00:10:12,155 Spencer, I don't know how to tell you this, so... 227 00:10:12,255 --> 00:10:14,090 I'm gonna make Paul do it. 228 00:10:15,391 --> 00:10:16,693 You've been recast. 229 00:10:16,793 --> 00:10:19,062 Hi, Carly! It's me, Sunny! 230 00:10:19,162 --> 00:10:21,464 You threw up on me at hot bitch yoga? 231 00:10:21,564 --> 00:10:24,567 We nearly beat a man to death together? 232 00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,402 We're sisters and best friends? 233 00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:29,572 Oh, yes, our fun, sisterly memories 234 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:32,142 of assault and bodily fluids. 235 00:10:33,143 --> 00:10:35,578 I ran a very routine DNA test, 236 00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:38,414 and it turns out Sunny is Carly's 11th cousin. 237 00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:39,926 But since she has a massive following, 238 00:10:39,950 --> 00:10:41,251 we're rounding up to sister. 239 00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:42,986 If we're gonna be sisters, 240 00:10:43,086 --> 00:10:44,855 we should figure out who's older. 241 00:10:44,955 --> 00:10:47,690 My filler guy and I were thinking you. 242 00:10:48,624 --> 00:10:49,960 But I already told a woman 243 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:52,062 I want to sleep with that I'm on this show. 244 00:10:52,162 --> 00:10:53,797 I also told her that I'm Dax Shepard, 245 00:10:53,897 --> 00:10:55,665 and I don't want to lie to her twice. 246 00:10:55,766 --> 00:10:57,467 I'm sorry, Spencer. 247 00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:59,469 I'm not. That's showbiz, baby. 248 00:10:59,569 --> 00:11:01,471 Okay, you know what you do need? A host. 249 00:11:01,571 --> 00:11:04,140 - That's me. I'm the host. - This show doesn't have a host. 250 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,708 Next up on House of Shay, 251 00:11:05,809 --> 00:11:08,578 Paul shuts up and admits he was wrong. 252 00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:13,784 Wow. I am feeling good about this. 253 00:11:13,884 --> 00:11:15,618 I mean, we got a sister. 254 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,487 We got my literal ponytail. 255 00:11:17,587 --> 00:11:19,823 We got an unqualified white male host. 256 00:11:19,923 --> 00:11:22,425 Yeah, and we've always got the amore... 257 00:11:22,525 --> 00:11:23,860 No, don't say it. 258 00:11:24,828 --> 00:11:26,262 There's no need for it. 259 00:11:26,362 --> 00:11:28,598 Sunny and I are gonna rip each other to shreds. 260 00:11:28,698 --> 00:11:31,902 Actually, I'm pivoting away from "fighting." 261 00:11:32,002 --> 00:11:34,104 I learned to channel my difficult emotions 262 00:11:34,204 --> 00:11:37,207 into reading YA fantasy novels to the blind. 263 00:11:37,307 --> 00:11:38,674 I do all the voices. 264 00:11:39,475 --> 00:11:42,879 (deep, raspy voice): Welcome to Troll Crossing. 265 00:11:47,217 --> 00:11:50,887 Hey, thanks for organizing this suspiciously elaborate luncheon. 266 00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:53,056 - It's the least I could do. - Hmm. 267 00:11:53,156 --> 00:11:55,258 Welcome to the family, Mr. Sline. 268 00:11:55,358 --> 00:11:56,492 Or should I say Pop-Pop? 269 00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:59,362 (screaming, laughing) 270 00:12:00,296 --> 00:12:03,266 It'll be nice to have a strong male role model in my life. 271 00:12:03,366 --> 00:12:06,036 I taught you how to hunt. 272 00:12:07,237 --> 00:12:08,905 This is all so fancy. 273 00:12:09,005 --> 00:12:12,642 These are the kind of plates you use again. 274 00:12:13,543 --> 00:12:16,046 Oh, no, my fun blouse! 275 00:12:16,146 --> 00:12:18,748 Would you like me to lick it off, orange rind? 276 00:12:18,849 --> 00:12:20,516 No need for that, Pop-Pop. 277 00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,585 I have a stain remover right here. 278 00:12:22,685 --> 00:12:24,387 I also have a lint roller, a sewing kit 279 00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:27,423 and your favorite shade of medicated ChapStick. 280 00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:29,225 ALL: Clear. 281 00:12:30,726 --> 00:12:31,995 Hey, those are all things 282 00:12:32,095 --> 00:12:33,696 a maid of honor would have at a wedding. 283 00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:35,932 You haven't picked one out yet, have you? 284 00:12:36,032 --> 00:12:39,302 - (utensils clatter) - Oh. 285 00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:41,771 Don't you think forcing the conversation 286 00:12:41,872 --> 00:12:43,773 before she's ready will do more harm than good? 287 00:12:43,874 --> 00:12:45,751 Don't you think you're confusing my thing with Granny 288 00:12:45,775 --> 00:12:48,178 and your thing with Carly? 289 00:12:52,215 --> 00:12:56,286 You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your prince. 290 00:12:56,386 --> 00:12:58,254 And let me tell you, Grandma B spent 291 00:12:58,354 --> 00:13:00,891 a lot of time in the swamp. (chuckles) 292 00:13:00,991 --> 00:13:02,825 Pause for laughter. 293 00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:04,827 (cell phone chimes) 294 00:13:04,928 --> 00:13:07,663 Oh, it's Danica from book club. 295 00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:11,201 She put her beret in the dryer, and now it's way too small! 296 00:13:11,301 --> 00:13:12,835 Can she give it to her pet mouse? 297 00:13:12,936 --> 00:13:15,538 No, you know Julien hates hats. 298 00:13:15,638 --> 00:13:17,073 She needs us. 299 00:13:19,475 --> 00:13:22,312 I never should have paused for laughter. 300 00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,517 Welcome back to the most dramatic episode 301 00:13:27,617 --> 00:13:29,185 of any show ever. 302 00:13:29,285 --> 00:13:32,422 Still in play are two immunity idols, four roses, 303 00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:34,690 and a lip sync for your life. 304 00:13:34,790 --> 00:13:37,393 And it all starts... now. 305 00:13:38,461 --> 00:13:41,932 Okay, uh, Carly, Sunny, let's try this yet again. 306 00:13:42,032 --> 00:13:45,501 I need some real conflict. Okay? 307 00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:47,670 Okay. 308 00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:52,075 You ate the last of the peanut butter 309 00:13:52,175 --> 00:13:54,110 and then put the jar back in the cabinet. 310 00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:57,780 So I thought there was more, but there wasn't! 311 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,283 Oh, do we live together? 312 00:14:00,383 --> 00:14:01,918 That's fun. 313 00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,455 Sunny, no, we need more drama. 314 00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:07,557 You know what? Wh-Why don't you just hit me 315 00:14:07,657 --> 00:14:08,858 one time, real quick. 316 00:14:08,959 --> 00:14:11,161 Oh, I'll hit you, with some character work. 317 00:14:11,261 --> 00:14:14,164 (silly voice): Greetings from Troll Crossing. 318 00:14:15,498 --> 00:14:17,633 Oh, this is nothing. 319 00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:19,269 Cut! 320 00:14:19,369 --> 00:14:24,240 (sighs) That was everything I look for in reality TV. 321 00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:29,379 I mean, peanut butter larceny, roommates, that voice. 322 00:14:30,213 --> 00:14:32,815 I wanted more troll. 323 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,385 It's not working. Look. 324 00:14:35,485 --> 00:14:37,496 You know what every reality show has that we're missing? 325 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,590 Writers, wine throwing, Andy Cohen? 326 00:14:41,457 --> 00:14:42,817 Don't you dare shift those fingers. 327 00:14:42,858 --> 00:14:44,227 Don't you shift them! 328 00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:45,671 - Don't. - It's bigger than the both of us. 329 00:14:45,695 --> 00:14:47,397 Oh! 330 00:14:48,731 --> 00:14:50,233 Look, Paul. 331 00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,402 I don't have feelings for Freddie, 332 00:14:52,502 --> 00:14:54,537 but it's complicated. 333 00:14:54,637 --> 00:14:57,216 -You know, I don't know much about friendship squiggles -(elevator bell chimes) 334 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,010 or sex rhombuses, but... (gasps) 335 00:15:01,211 --> 00:15:03,446 (whispers): Amore triangula. 336 00:15:09,819 --> 00:15:13,323 Look, the road trippers finally made the trip to set. 337 00:15:13,423 --> 00:15:16,959 (laughs): I also have a fulfilling life. 338 00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:19,105 FREDDIE: I was surprised you're doing another TV show. 339 00:15:19,129 --> 00:15:21,531 Last time, you got replaced by a dinosaur. 340 00:15:21,631 --> 00:15:23,366 Oh, kids love dinosaurs. 341 00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,868 (roars) Love me. 342 00:15:26,702 --> 00:15:28,171 That was a dinosaur. 343 00:15:28,271 --> 00:15:31,907 So, you two sure you want to be on my reality show? 344 00:15:32,008 --> 00:15:35,245 Yes. We had an emergency session with Dr. Susan, 345 00:15:35,345 --> 00:15:36,912 during which I told Freddie, 346 00:15:37,013 --> 00:15:39,482 "If you're sure you have no feelings for Carly whatsoever, 347 00:15:39,582 --> 00:15:41,151 "we should do the show. 348 00:15:41,251 --> 00:15:43,453 "And any scene I'm not in, I'll sit on the side 349 00:15:43,553 --> 00:15:46,122 with my arms crossed, watching closely." 350 00:15:47,023 --> 00:15:49,925 To which I replied, "How can I say no?" 351 00:15:50,026 --> 00:15:54,464 (chuckles) Do I get $200 an hour for listening to that story? 352 00:15:54,564 --> 00:15:57,500 (laughs) Fun. 353 00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:01,071 Is it too late to replace me with a dinosaur? 354 00:16:01,171 --> 00:16:02,172 I'm on it? 355 00:16:02,272 --> 00:16:03,873 But until then, 356 00:16:03,973 --> 00:16:08,544 I have got a fun and relaxing activity for you all to enjoy. 357 00:16:08,644 --> 00:16:11,114 Aerial silking! 358 00:16:13,349 --> 00:16:15,185 I do not feel relaxed! 359 00:16:15,285 --> 00:16:16,652 Perfect, perfect. 360 00:16:16,752 --> 00:16:18,954 Use that anxiety to fuel your confrontation 361 00:16:19,055 --> 00:16:21,157 at the dramatic height of two to three feet. 362 00:16:21,257 --> 00:16:23,293 (grunts) Can I get a helmet? 363 00:16:23,393 --> 00:16:25,361 Can you make that two? 364 00:16:25,461 --> 00:16:27,130 Freddie, I'm flying! 365 00:16:28,431 --> 00:16:30,166 She's very flexible. 366 00:16:30,266 --> 00:16:31,967 Triple-jointed elbows. 367 00:16:32,068 --> 00:16:35,071 Oh, yeah? Watch this. 368 00:16:43,246 --> 00:16:45,948 Carly, don't worry about the actual silking. 369 00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,917 Uh, worry about being alone forever 370 00:16:48,017 --> 00:16:51,421 because Freddie refuses to speak to you. Wow. 371 00:16:51,521 --> 00:16:53,756 Is that what she told you? 372 00:16:55,725 --> 00:16:57,593 Why did no one fetch me from my trailer 373 00:16:57,693 --> 00:17:00,130 that should have been provided? I am the host. 374 00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:01,597 There's no host. 375 00:17:01,697 --> 00:17:05,101 Our first twist is a twist. 376 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,502 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 377 00:17:06,602 --> 00:17:08,371 - Dude, no, no! - (Carly yelping) 378 00:17:08,471 --> 00:17:10,973 Oh, God! I may not survive this! 379 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,142 CARLY: Aah! I need a Dramamine! 380 00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:15,945 I was Peter Pan off Broadway. 381 00:17:16,045 --> 00:17:17,813 Hey, Freddie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie. 382 00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:20,449 Do you know what Carly's been saying about you? I do. 383 00:17:20,550 --> 00:17:22,852 Because I've got the receipts. 384 00:17:22,952 --> 00:17:25,821 - Those are from CVS. - I know, but I used them to write down 385 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,158 everything you told me the other day. 386 00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:29,257 Here we go, here we go. 387 00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:30,593 Um... (clears throat) 388 00:17:30,693 --> 00:17:32,413 Pearl could tell you and Carly were in love. 389 00:17:32,495 --> 00:17:34,930 You went after Pearl while Carly waited up all night for you, 390 00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:37,667 - crying her eyes out... - (screaming) 391 00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:40,336 - Oh, my... (groans) - (grunts) 392 00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:42,572 That's going on the sizzle reel. 393 00:17:42,672 --> 00:17:45,841 Let's do it again, but this time tackle Pearl. 394 00:17:47,143 --> 00:17:49,212 I am done with this. 395 00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:51,381 But... 396 00:17:51,481 --> 00:17:54,817 But I am keeping the ponytail. 397 00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:00,323 (exhales sharply) 398 00:18:00,423 --> 00:18:03,259 Okay, fine. I'll play Carly. 399 00:18:06,529 --> 00:18:08,664 Hey, Milli-Vanil. 400 00:18:08,764 --> 00:18:10,099 You doing okay? 401 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,835 Grandma B officially chose her maid of honor, 402 00:18:12,935 --> 00:18:16,372 and it's Danica, from book club. 403 00:18:16,472 --> 00:18:18,308 (cries): With the beret. 404 00:18:18,408 --> 00:18:21,143 Hey, your grandmother worships you, okay? 405 00:18:21,244 --> 00:18:23,045 You are going to be part of her wedding. 406 00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:25,481 Don't tell me I'm gonna be an usher. 407 00:18:25,581 --> 00:18:27,617 I will accept DJ or higher. 408 00:18:27,717 --> 00:18:29,785 Relationships aren't about titles. 409 00:18:29,885 --> 00:18:31,621 They're about being there for each other. 410 00:18:31,721 --> 00:18:33,623 Even when they make questionable choices? 411 00:18:33,723 --> 00:18:35,391 Even when you're dangling from the ceiling 412 00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:38,661 - with a silk so far up your butt that you... - I beg you. 413 00:18:38,761 --> 00:18:40,663 Have secrets. 414 00:18:41,931 --> 00:18:44,734 Millicent, we have something we wanted to ask you. 415 00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:47,002 ? There's a girl living here ? 416 00:18:47,102 --> 00:18:48,904 ? That we always hold dear ? 417 00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:51,974 ? Good old Millicent ? 418 00:18:52,074 --> 00:18:54,377 Is this happening? Did Danica die? 419 00:18:54,477 --> 00:18:57,813 ? Such grit and such fight, sweet as Turkish delight ? 420 00:18:57,913 --> 00:19:00,783 ? She's good old Millicent ? 421 00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:04,587 ? The virtues that we extol ? 422 00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:07,823 ? Deserve a starring role ? 423 00:19:07,923 --> 00:19:13,095 ? Will you please, please marry us? ? 424 00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,397 Be your officiant? 425 00:19:14,497 --> 00:19:17,667 Yes! That's, like, higher than the bride! 426 00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:23,806 And then I tackled Paul to the ground. 427 00:19:24,707 --> 00:19:26,942 In a cool way? 428 00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:28,344 No. 429 00:19:28,444 --> 00:19:30,012 (knocking) 430 00:19:30,112 --> 00:19:32,882 Hey, Carly, um... 431 00:19:32,982 --> 00:19:34,450 can we finally talk? 432 00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,289 - Oh, I'd love to, but, uh, Harper is... - Bye. 433 00:19:39,389 --> 00:19:41,090 A terrible friend. 434 00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:45,428 What do you want to talk about? 435 00:19:45,528 --> 00:19:47,229 How bananas are going extinct? 436 00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:49,164 What's gonna happen to smoothies? 437 00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:51,310 - I know some people like to put almonds in it, so... - Um... 438 00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:54,970 How about why you flying-tackled Paul? 439 00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,908 I guess that's a good topic, too. 440 00:20:01,744 --> 00:20:03,646 I did wait up for you that night, 441 00:20:03,746 --> 00:20:06,148 but then you went off with Pearl, 442 00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:09,419 and things are going so great with you guys, 443 00:20:09,519 --> 00:20:12,522 I just thought, you know, maybe we don't need to talk. 444 00:20:12,622 --> 00:20:16,326 Maybe we could just go back to being Freddie and Carly. 445 00:20:16,426 --> 00:20:17,960 So I... 446 00:20:18,060 --> 00:20:21,397 Created a whole-ass reality show just to avoid talking to me? 447 00:20:21,497 --> 00:20:23,866 Just as any normal person would. 448 00:20:27,036 --> 00:20:29,171 Look, I'll admit it. 449 00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,441 Over the years, I've thought about 450 00:20:31,541 --> 00:20:34,009 whether we should be together. 451 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:35,911 And thought about it... 452 00:20:36,011 --> 00:20:39,715 BOTH: And thought about it and thought about it. 453 00:20:40,983 --> 00:20:42,461 But you shouldn't have to think about it. 454 00:20:42,485 --> 00:20:44,019 Exactly. 455 00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:46,856 And... 456 00:20:46,956 --> 00:20:49,191 you know what I never have to think about? 457 00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,761 Being Carly and Freddie. 458 00:20:53,162 --> 00:20:54,630 I know. 459 00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:56,198 It's the best. 460 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,233 (phone chimes) 461 00:20:59,068 --> 00:21:00,736 Shoot, I got to go. 462 00:21:00,836 --> 00:21:03,072 Uh, Pearl is legit about to join the circus. 463 00:21:03,172 --> 00:21:05,475 (chuckles): And she could. 464 00:21:05,575 --> 00:21:07,577 Pearl T. Barnum over here. 465 00:21:07,677 --> 00:21:09,044 (chuckles) 466 00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:12,114 Well, thanks for doing the show today. 467 00:21:12,214 --> 00:21:14,450 Or should I thank Dr. Susan? 468 00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:16,552 (chuckles) Of course. 469 00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,287 Paul said it was important to you. 470 00:21:18,388 --> 00:21:23,058 And no matter what awkward phase of Carly-Freddie-dom we're in, 471 00:21:23,158 --> 00:21:26,396 no matter who we're dating or how little we know 472 00:21:26,496 --> 00:21:28,964 about what we're signing up for, 473 00:21:29,064 --> 00:21:32,267 I am always gonna be there for you. 474 00:21:32,368 --> 00:21:33,836 I promise. 475 00:21:33,936 --> 00:21:35,971 (phone chimes) 476 00:21:37,206 --> 00:21:41,010 How does a leotard cost $7,000? 477 00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:44,046 I got to go, but, hey, look at us. 478 00:21:44,146 --> 00:21:46,749 We did it, we're talking, huh? Go us! 479 00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:48,451 Okay, bye. 480 00:21:49,419 --> 00:21:51,387 (door closes) 481 00:21:51,487 --> 00:21:53,556 Did your knees...? 482 00:21:53,656 --> 00:21:56,025 Yeah. They did. I buckled. 483 00:21:56,125 --> 00:21:59,895 Wine and crying, or whiskey and light violence? 484 00:21:59,995 --> 00:22:01,497 All of the above. 485 00:22:05,868 --> 00:22:08,237 Carly Shay is an influencer. 486 00:22:08,337 --> 00:22:10,372 I'm under this blanket of luxury. 487 00:22:10,473 --> 00:22:12,341 PAUL: She's relatable to all women. 488 00:22:12,442 --> 00:22:14,276 (roars) Love me. 489 00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:16,979 PAUL: She and her attractive, successful siblings... 490 00:22:17,079 --> 00:22:18,448 She knows what she did. 491 00:22:18,548 --> 00:22:20,550 (deep, raspy voice): Welcome to Troll Crossing. 492 00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:23,853 PAUL: plagued by hangers-on, desperate to get on TV. 493 00:22:23,953 --> 00:22:25,387 Why did no one fetch me? 494 00:22:25,488 --> 00:22:26,388 I'm Dax Shepard. 495 00:22:26,489 --> 00:22:27,690 Will she ditch the losers 496 00:22:27,790 --> 00:22:29,892 and tackle her insecurities? 497 00:22:29,992 --> 00:22:32,394 All this on House of Shay. 498 00:22:33,863 --> 00:22:36,298 I didn't know it was gonna be that bad. 499 00:22:37,332 --> 00:22:40,736 Or that Paul was gonna recast himself as my brother. 500 00:22:40,836 --> 00:22:43,873 (scoffs) I love it. 501 00:22:44,574 --> 00:22:46,241 Dax Shepard's gonna say he's me. 502 00:22:47,109 --> 00:22:48,343 Every network passed. 503 00:22:48,444 --> 00:22:50,145 Ah, makes sense. 504 00:23:21,844 --> 00:23:22,878 Ooh. 505 00:23:22,928 --> 00:23:27,478 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36940

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