Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

He's dead! I know.

Alan's dead! I saw the whole thing, hon.

My ex-boyfriend is gone forever.

Yes, but on the good side, husband's still alive.

You know what, sweetie?

I understand. I really do. I get it.

You do?

Yeah. I mean, it's upsetting

when someone your own age just passes away.

It shines such a disturbing light

on your own mortality.

Nah, that's not it.

That's not it?

No.

Oh, I know what. Yeah. You're thinking of his family.

My God. How hard is that for them?

You know, to be snatched out of their midst

so before his time.

They couldn't have been ready.

No. No, not that?

Is it that it's just so stupid

for a grown man to get killed from a bee sting?

Sorry.

So what is it?

Paul, I loved him!

You did, huh?

Well, once. I loved him once.

Was it just once?

At one time. I loved him at one time.

Oh, I knew that. I knew that.

I mean, I continued to love him after that one time,

but at one time I was in love with him.

Hmm.

And when someone you were in love with dies,

no matter how much time has passed,

a little part of you dies with them.

I did not know that.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Just wait till one of your ex-girlfriends dies.

Hey, one already has.

Who? Heather Locklear.

She's not dead.

No, but I said hello to her once in an airport,

nothing back.

She is dead to me, my friend.

Hi, baby delivery! Hi, smunkey.

Did you have a good day?

Just perfect.

Our day wasn't great, but Mabel was.

We'll talk about it later.

I'm sorry. Somebody asked me if I had a great day,

and I tell them the truth.

Later is the time that we'll talk about it.

All right. I'm sensing something, you two.

Why don't you tell me? What is it?

Just having a little problem setting a date for our wedding.

Yes. One of us would like to do it reasonably soon,

while the other's waiting for what? What?

Wooga! Wooga. Got a nice piece of that one.

What is with him?

Ever since we got the golf channel.

Whoa!

Who puts a TV right there?

Right now to Chelsea Piers and hit some balls.

No, I'm okay. I don't have to go to Chelsea Piers.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Ohh! See, damn visitors.

What I need is a nice course with no doorbell.

That's what I need.

Hi, Pete.

It's Paul. Please.

Hi, Chris.

Jamie.

Uh, this is Chris, Alan's brother.

This is my sister-in-law Debbie and--

and, um, my friend Joan.

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here? Is everything all right?

No. My brother died of a bee sting.

I understand. I meant within that context,

is everything all right?

No. I should be at the wake,

but I wanted this out of my house

before the rage and bile that it inspires in me

came gushing out all over the sides of myself.

Oy. Okay.

What is it?

Why don't you stick it in your VCR and find out, Pete?

All right. Thank you.

We were so sorry to hear of your brother's passing.

We were, all of us. We're very moved.

Just watch the tape. Okay.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, Alan.

Hi, Jamie.

Welcome to my last will and testament,

as witnessed and notarized by my lawyer

Mr. Daniel Kaufman

of the firm Michael, Best, & Friedrich.

Hi, folks.

His lawyer Zeppo.

ALAN: Okay.

I, Alan Tofsky,

being of sound mind and body,

do hereby leave everything I own in the world

including all my personal items,

and about $35,000--

Uh, actually, if I may, Alan--

Oh.

Uh, $29,000.

Right. After lawyers' fees, $29,000.

Anyway, I leave it all to the great love of my life--

and the greatest regret of my life--

to the only woman

for whom I ever felt transcendent feelings,

one Jamie Buchman.

Oh, my God!

Okay. Easy, Jamie.

I still think you're nuts.

It's just that I've come to realize

that you're worth it.

No one has ever moved me like you did,

and ever since I broke up with you--

I broke up with you, pal.

No, Jamie, I broke up with you.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did. No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Sweetie, you're arguing with a VCR.

Shh!

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Damn it!

You see? You see, Jamie, the simpatico?

Not even Pete can deny

that there is a profound connection here.

How hard it is to say Paul? I don't--

Shh! Shh!

And in the years since I broke up with you,

I've been walking this earth knowing that my life

was out of kilter and-- and incorrect somehow,

because I was not walking beside you.

Oh, shut up, would you?

Don't tell him to shut up.

You know what? You can shut up, too.

Just shh! Shh!

No knock on Pete.

Pete's a perfectly nice guy,

if you like that type.

But I think we both know that

what you and I had was, uh...

Whew! On a different plane.

Okay, where is his body now, '‘cause I find this--

So if you'll allow me this humble gesture

of leaving you everything as though you were my wife,

because I feel that if there were any justice or poetry

in this world,

you would've been my wife.

You were the one.

And then you were the one that got away.

Ha!

Go ahead and smirk.

You deserve it.

You won.

I love you.

I always have, and I always will.

And I know that someday we will meet again.

You'll see.

Dan.

This will is binding in all 50 states

and the District of Columbia.

No alteration, refutation, protestation

or repudiation of this will is or will be

entertained by the executing parties.

We grieve deeply for your loss.

Holy smokes!

What did you do to my brother?

Nothing. What--

You bewitched him! No!

You're a witch. You're a witch! She's a witch, Pete.

Okay. A-- Kindly stop calling my wife a witch, please.

And 2-- where does he get off saying, "We'll meet again"?

Does he not grasp the fact that you are Pete's wife?

Your brother was very romantic.

Thank you for seeing that.

Did anybody want to watch this again, '‘cause the part about--

I don't believe so.

[♪♪♪]

PAUL: So now her ex-boyfriend's every possession

is being delivered to our home. So what?

So I don't want to look up on the shelf

every day for the rest of my life

and see Alan Tofsky's tchotchkes.

Please!

I'll tell you something else.

I don't want his lousy $29,000, either.

Debbie said after taxes it's more like 14,500.

Are you kidding me?

No.

Uncle Sam with a healthy bite there, huh?

I know.

Well, whatever it is, I don't want it.

Why not?

Because it's his love money.

That's his "he loves you" money.

That's the money of his love, and I don't want it.

We can use it for Mabel's college education.

No. That's exactly what I don't want to do

is have your ex-boyfriend put my daughter through college.

Listen, when she's going to a frat party

and drinking beer and throwing up and everything,

I want to pay for that.

This is the dying wish of a man who is now dead.

You must grant such a wish.

Who are you, Don Corleone?

I must grant such-- What are you talking about?

I'm talking about respect.

You know, this is what really gets me, Sheila, is there's

not even so much as a nod of recognition from my friend here

that this whole business is just entirely unseemly

and it's inappropriate.

He's dead, Paul. He doesn't care about being appropriate.

Well, I'm alive, and I do.

I can't believe the callousness, the coldness.

Well, I can't believe the amount of slack you're cutting this guy

just '‘cause he passed away.

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you, if guys knew

that all they had to do to please women was die...

they'd be jumping off bridges by the thousands.

Believe me.

He died, Paul.

Tell me again. Did he die?

Because I hadn't heard that.

Honey, if our therapy session

is interrupting your golf practice,

you'll let us know, won't you?

Just working on my grip, is all.

A hobby is one thing. An interest--

this is like a rabid obsession.

That's how golf is.

It gets under your skin. It gets into your blood.

You stink at it, by the way.

I-- I-- Yes, okay.

Yes, I stink, but with hope.

I stink with hope.

I don't understand this.

Suddenly my husband chases a little ball around the house

for 5 hours a day. That's what Murray does, Paul.

Do you want to be a dog?

Let's think. Plenty of naps, lots of food.

My guess is no other dog dies

and leaves your wife everything.

Yes! Yes, I think I would.

I wish to be a dog.

Oh, gosh. We are tragically out of time.

Uh, but let me say this.

Paul, Alan cannot possibly be a threat to you anymore.

After all, he died.

[GASPS] Who died? I didn't hear that. What?

And, Jamie, put yourself in Paul's place.

If one of his exes had left him everything,

along with a declaration of eternal love,

you might not be so happy, either.

Yeah!

I guess that's true.

All right, then. So we'll see you next week, okay?

Thank you.

[WHACK]

Oh!

How could you?

I didn't clear my hips.

And these are his corn holders,

his bottle cap collection,

and his blue jeans.

Oh, his blue jeans!

Oh, pants of a dead boyfriend. Isn't that nice?

And that's the last of it,

except, of course, for this...

the 14,500.

Here.

Don't spend it all at the witch store.

Uh, if there are no objections,

I think we'll take the cappuccino machine,

the turntable, and the National Geographics,

right, Burt?

Did you know that the tortoise

is the farmer of the seas?

Did you want that Barc-O-Lounger?

Because your father-in-law looks so comfortable in it.

Yes, actually I did.

Why?

Just sentimental value.

What?

Just don't go there, okay? Just drop it.

What kind of sentimental value?

What happened in that chair?

Take the chair, Ma. The chair is yours.

SYLVIA: Thank you.

Hi!

Hi, dear. BURT: Hi. How are you?

How goes the bequeathal?

Well-- A bad question.

Yeah. That's why I brought you

something to cheer you up. Chocolate cake.

Wow.

Always works for me.

That's incredibly sweet of you.

Let's go get some dishes.

This is unbelievable!

What's that?

Did you know that pygmies,

because their culture is so isolated,

have no idea they're short?

Uh, does Debbie seem okay to you guys?

JAMIE: Yeah, why?

I don't know.

It's odd the way she refuses to set a wedding date.

Maybe she has cold feet.

They don't get that, Burt.

Oh.

Plus, yesterday, did you notice

how when she introduced me, it was

"This is-- This is-- This is my friendJoan?"

Did you catch that? "This is my friendJoan."

My friend?

What, you're not friends?

I'm her fiancée, Sylvia.

Who's arguing?

Or at the very least, her girlfriend or her lover

or her partner or her companion or some damn thing.

You're her sister.

I'm sorry?

Well, Debbie was talking to me the other day

about who's gay and who's not,

which is a little game that we play now,

and when someone was gay, she would say,

"Yep, she's a sister."

Or, "Oh, yeah, she's a sister."

Or, "Oh, boy, she's a big sister!"

So you're her sister.

You can't marry your sister.

Registered mail for "Paul and Jamie Buchman."

that would be us. Thank you so much.

And, uh, best of days to you. Thank you.

And may I say that those are lovely socks

they're giving out to the group there now?

You try and brighten a person's day and what do you get?

Also, I think I'm going to take the soap

and the Manhattan clam chowder.

Oh, my God.

Fine. I'll leave the chowder.

What? What is it?

Look at this.

"Matter of Kleinman v. Buchman,

for medical expenses plus punitive damages."

What?

Okay. Sheila is suing us.

Oh, come on.

There it is right there. Look at this.

We're being sued by our own psychotherapist.

Do you know that pygmies have no concept of litigation?

It says that in there?

No. That I knew.

Can Sheila do this?

Let's ask Debbie.

Debbie's got a good brain for these things.

Debbie's got a really good legal mind.

Debbie's got--

Look what Debbie's got.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

What-- What-- What is it? I can't see.

Uh-oh.

[♪♪♪]

She's gone.

She's gone.

She's gone.

Your wife-to-be is now your wife-that-never-was.

Ma, stop.

Oh, I was so looking forward to this wedding,

gender issues notwithstanding.

Ma.

How could you do this to me?

Who are you kidding?

Four years ago, when I told you I was gay,

do you remember your reaction?

I was given pause.

You tried to throw yourself out the window.

Yes, after the pause.

I mean, I was devastated.

I thought, "How could I lead my daughter

down this misbegotten path?"

I believed, as anyone might have,

that death was my only honorable exit.

Boy, this is cake!

Then I met Joanie. She's so pretty. She's nice.

She's a doctor,

someone who loves you,

not like that reptile you were married to,

may his memory be blotted out.

Gary. Gary, Mom.

I came to terms.

I looked deep within myself.

I found the strength to accept--

more than just accept.

I embraced.

I started to recycle.

I even bought myself a pair of men's boxers.

I imagined myself running nude down the beach

with my book club.

And now what do you do?

You turn around and you throw it all back in my face.

What am I supposed to do, call up my friends

and tell them that my daughter is straight?

These are not calls I want to make.

Okay. Mom, a-- No nude running.

Why?

Just because, okay?

And 2-- And I say this with love,

this may not really be all about you.

Debbie, what happened?

I don't know.

The minute I saw that guy, I wanted him.

Whoa!

Believe me, I was the most surprised of anybody.

But there we were, standing in the kitchen,

and I felt all the blood rush from my head,

and this voice said, "Kiss him." So I did.

Then the voice said,

"Throw him down on the kitchen table?"

Yeah.

Okay. Did that voice at any juncture,

did it mention that you're a lesbian?

It mumbled something.

They can do that, just change back like that?

Yes, Dad. Lesbians and werewolves.

Is it Joan?

Maybe you've fallen out of love with her.

No.

Maybe all we have to do is find you another woman.

It's not Joan.

What about that postal girl?

She was cute.

She could've been a sister.

I have not fallen out of love with Joan.

All right. I've made my decision.

What?

You, missy, are grounded.

I'm grounded? You hear that?

I'm grounded.

Yes, that's right.

I want you to go back to your apartment.

I want you to think about what you have done

and who you have done it with.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Do you remember

the weekend before you married Gary?

Yeah.

Remember what you did?

What I did?

With the caterer?

With the caterer.

With the caterer, what you did in the kitchen--

in the kitchen of the catering-- of Arnold's of Great Neck?

In the kitchen-- Ooh! I made out with the caterer

in the kitchen of Arnold's of Great Neck.

Ugh! I wouldn't even walk into that kitchen.

Well, what were you thinking?

I was terrified. I panicked.

And meanwhile, thank you for keeping a secret.

I kept it for 19 years.

I think that's a pretty good job.

But stay with me

'‘cause I'm onto something very clever here.

Do you remember, after college,

remember when-- what's his name, with the glasses--

Herbie, Herbie Reish, remember?

And he asked you to move in with him.

Do you remember what you did?

I fooled around with his brother Billy Reish

in the Reishes' kitchen. Yes!

Wow!

The point is there is a trend.

Don't you see there is a trend here?

Before you can make a commitment,

apparently you need to play a little slap and tickle

in a kitchen somewhere.

My God!

Wowee!

I mean, it's-- It's a fascinating

psychological phenomenon.

You may or may not want to look into this further

on your own time.

So it's not Joan?

It's not Joan.

I got to go talk to her.

So wait. You're still gay? Yeah.

Thank, God!

This is crazy.

We had the appointment.

You cannot have a productive therapy session

with a person who is suing you.

You know she's going to charge us anyway.

What do you care? We got $14,500 extra to play with.

$13,857.12.

What happened now?

Debbie and Chris cracked the kitchen table.

It's solid butcher block. How did they possibly--

Don't shoot the messenger.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, Sheila. How are-- How are you?

Never better. And you?

We're good.

Fine, thank you.

Last we met, Paul, you had taken umbrage

over Jamie's ex-boyfriend's will,

and you two were going to try and see things

from each other's point of view.

Right. Yeah.

Well, how has that gone?

Okay, I guess.

It's going pretty good.

Well, great.

So is there anything else on your minds this week?

Uh, well--

Let's think.

Uh... Um...

Ooh, golly gosh.

Anything on our minds?

Yes! Okay. Here's one.

You're suing us.

All right. If you'd like to talk about the lawsuit,

I'd be happy to.

Okay.

We're unhappy about the lawsuit.

Yeah.

You broke my nose in 4 places, Paul.

No, no, no. He understands that.

He also understands how unbelievably stupid

it was to be swinging a golf club around

a tiny little office without even looking up

to see if there might be a person--

Okay. You know what, sweetie?

Maybe this is time to circle the wagons.

We would be happy to pay all your medical expenses.

It's the least we could do.

But the punitive damages,

what is that about?

Well, my lawyers think I should be compensated

for my mental anguish.

Mental anguish?

Yes, my severe mental anguish.

It's humiliating...

wearing this goofy freakin' mask.

My patients feel like they're getting life advice

from the Phantom of the Opera.

All right. Just out of curiosity,

How much-- How much do you think you would want to ask for

for punitive damages?

$100,000.

Okay. So now I have mental anguish.

Sheila, we don't have $100,000.

You don't?

No!

Well, how much do you have?

What?

Look, I'll tell you straight.

Okay? You know, for whatever reason,

my practice hasn't exactly been flourishing.

Well, here's a thought.

You might want to stop suing your patients.

I'm in severe financial trouble.

My lawyer told me that getting hit in the nose like this

could be the greatest thing that ever happened to me...

if I make the most of it.

And you would do that?

You would bilk us like that?

Hey, I didn't ask you to come in here

and clock me in the face with a 3 wood, okay, pal?

Sheila, maybe there's a way

we could help your practice a little bit.

How?

Well, maybe we could send a patient or two your way.

Like who?

Like your sister?

And her sister?

Oh, yeah.

So you know people in need?

Oh, yeah!

Uh...

Maybe. Maybe...

if you lower that punitive damage figure.

90,000.

5,000.

$80,000.

7,500.

60.

10. 35.

17. 25.

9. 9?

Yeah.

You heard me.

20?

13.

18?

$13,857.12.

Done.

Done.

Well, there you go.

So anything else on your minds?

[♪♪♪]

No alteration, refutation, protestation

or repudiation of this will is or will be

entertained by the executing parties.

We grieve deeply for your loss.

[♪♪♪]

So, I think that went pretty well.

Really?

Oh, absolutely.

That part about the one that got away--

Whew! I was very choked up.

Yeah?

I barely got through the disclaimer.

I really loved her.

I know.

[BUZZING]

Well, I'm glad that's done with.

I can rest easy now. Listen, you're probably

not going to need this will for a long time.

I hope you're right.

[BUZZING]

Ooh, uh, you got a bee on your neck.

Where?

Captions: M.P.