All language subtitles for Earthquake.2022.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-LAMAeng

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EMCEE: Give it up for
the Real Earthquake!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING AND WHISTLING]

Yeah, I'm gonna get them
to pick that God damn money up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What's up, Tempe?
How y'all doing?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Tempe!

Scottsdale.

Phoenix. Which one are you?

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

Y'all all them motherfuckers.

Hell, I don't know what you are,
but I know when you come here,
you need all your clothes.

It'll be 80 at 3:00.

And then below 30 at 4:00.

Motherfucker don't know
what to wear.

Y'all do got that slave heat
down here, though.

People say
ain't no climate change, shit!

Anybody black
knows climate change.

I know it's climate change.

Take a whole bottle to get
this ash off my black ass.

When I put lotion on,
it's like it's hitting the pipe.
[SUCKS IN AIR]

[SUCKS IN AIR] God damn!

Then I turn white again.
[SUCKS IN AIR]

This motherfucker,
I need some Vaseline.

[SUCKS IN AIR]

My skin ain't never been
that dry.

Some of y'all niggas in here
right now, look at your hands.

Thought it was your hand.
It's a plate, nigga.
It's a plate.

My girl be trying to put some...
Some lotion on my ass.

I said "Mmm-mmm."

Ass always gotta look ashy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You never want your ass
being soft.

Fuck it, when you're locked up,
that's your ass.

Keep your ass lookin' like
you don't even wanna
go there. Mmm-hmm.

I want my ass to look haunted.

He'd be looking at that ass,
"I don't even want that one."

That was what
I told motherfuckers.

If I was gay, I had to be
the poker and not the pokee.

If I'm the pokee,
we ain't gonna never make love.

We gonna stay
at the divorce counselor.

I told him
I wasn't that kind of guy.

My friend, man,
motherfucker losing them women
over any kind of way.

My man, he let this woman go
because she kept on touching
the thermostat.

Nigga, it would be 90 degrees,
she's still wearing a coat.

He said... He said...
[CHUCKLING]

He said it'd be so hot
in that motherfucker
he'd feel like a slave.

[HUMMING]

[SINGING] ♪ Oh, Jesus ♪

These ain't jokes.

Police, these motherfuckers
are crazy here.

Shoot a motherfucker
in a wheelchair.

[ALL LAUGHING]

In the back.

While he's trying to get away.

-[MIMICS WHEELCHAIR ZOOMING]
-[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

'Cause he's... [LAUGHING]

I don't give a fuck
if y'all laugh or not,
you know it happened.

Shot him in the back.

This nigga was stealing
some tools.

Police said he feared
for his life.

"I thought the nigga
was gonna run over my toes."

Y'all police don't give a fuck!

Shoot a nigga in the back

in a wheelchair.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

O.J. free.

-[AUDIENCE HOOTING]
-Yeah, that nigga off on parole.

White women, look out!

The Juice is loose.

[LAUGHS AND TAPS MIC]

He looking for some white women
for dinner.

Some of y'all ain't laughing,
I don't give a fuck.

That nigga's on parole,
he's free!

Seventy-four with dementia.

Just in the club,
what's happening?

Bill Cosby in the car.

[AUDIENCE BOOING AND LAUGHING]

Some of you can't get him,
I get him!

"I got some Puddin' Pop,
I got Puddin' Pop.

"Who want the Puddin' Pop?"

Bill out here just takin' pussy.

Just at the club,
dropping a pill. Mmm.

Just sitting back,
"Look how she's fighting
that medicine.

"That motherfucker strong!

"I should've gave her
1000 milligram.

"That 500 ain't doing shit.

"Look how she fighting
that medicine."

These ain't jokes.

He got out, though.

Hanging with O.J.

O from the go.

Women out here gettin'
all kind of surgeries now.

I ain't got nothing against it.

Matter of fact, I endorse it.

You can do some shit
to make yourself look better.

But it really tells you
where a woman is
in their life now.

When I see a woman, boy,
she looking rough,
I'm, like, "Oof!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

You need a stimulus package.

Ain't nobody invested in you.

There's no reason for your nose
to look like that.

You could fix that motherfucker
if you wanted to.

Some of you ain't laughing
'cause you in here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You could take a four to a ten

if you invest in it
the right way.

People don't know,
you gotta get a good one.

Then, you know, some women,
they do all the surgeries.

Yeah, they go get out there
and get that pussy rebuilt.

I was fucking with a chick,
she went and got her shit
regenerated and shit.

Came back, that motherfucker
was drier than a cracker.

Wasn't nothing wet
in that motherfucker.

I was spitting in there,
"Come on.

"Somebody gotta lube
this motherfucker up."

I thought she needed to go back
and put a sprinkler system
in this motherfucker.

Ain't no water
in this motherfucker.

I can't keep getting
this friction.

We about to start a fire.

We can't be fucking
on these cotton sheets.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

When you was young,
you look for a woman
with all that bullshit,

titties, ass and everything.

No, when you get
in your 40s and 50,

you need to find you
a caregiver.

You need somebody
to help your ass.

Side chicks
are terrible caregivers.

They don't read prescriptions
right or nothing.

They don't respect
your dietary restrictions.

Coming home
with chicken fingers.

Bitch, you know I got
high blood pressure.
You better...

You supposed to bring some...
[LAUGHING]

Some spinach
in this motherfucker
or some celery.

Coming in here
with these hot wings
from Popeyes.

And you wanna know
why I got a headache
and my dick don't get hard.

You ain't got a good woman
in your life,

you better look at
one of your kids.

That motherfucker
gonna be your caregiver.

I got three kids.
Nigga, I only trust one of 'em.

And if I was in the nursing home
and one of my daughters
came to pick me up,

and I look at 'em, they say
"Your daughter here
to get you."

I'm like "Mmm-mmm.
Take me back upstairs.

"Let me use your phone.

"I'll find somebody else
to pick me up."

Just put me at the bus stop.
I'll catch a ride before I ride
with them home.

That motherfucker right there
beat me.

Just put me in front of the TV
and won't clean me
for four days.

Flies be all on me.

I be shitting on myself.

She be slapping me.
"You never loved me."

I did once you made it.

Once you made it,
you was my child.

Jada Pinkett's just doing
Will wrong.

I'm telling the Fresh Prince,
nigga, get upset.

She'd had the entanglement,
had a young nigga over there
fucking her in the house.

Got Will on here
taking all kinds of chances.

Seen a nigga on the moon
taking pictures.

I said, get your ass off
of that motherfucker.

[CHUCKLING] Over in China...

In Thailand,
underwater, in caves...

This nigga
trying to die legally.

What's wrong? These niggas
make motherfuckers with money
look bad,

You get that kind of money,
you don't pose...

You got 99 problems,
your woman ain't supposed
to be one.

You got money?
Fuck that, nigga. You...

He got to have,
like, at least about
two-three hundred million.

You got that motherfucker,
they talking about
"Sex was terrible

"with the Fresh Prince."

I love Tupac.

Love a nigga
that ain't even here no more.

I don't know, is it worse
for him or God damn Kanye?

Crying for Kim.

"Bring me back, please me..."

First of all, nigga,
you married the work.

Now, we have a rule in DC,
you never marry the work.

It's the kitty, nigga.
That's for everybody.

You're not supposed
to keep the kitty for yourself.

It's the work.
And now you out here
crying for her and shit.

She's single now, motherfucker.

Trying to be a lawyer.
I might have to hook up
with her.

Get that heat on me.

These ain't jokes.

I don't fuck with white women.
I'm not prejudiced,

I just... My preference...
I gotta be with a black woman.

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-Don't clap for that shit.

I would like to have
a diverse portfolio.

Well, I just... I just...
I just...

I just love the fuck
outta our women.

That attitude work for me.
I need to know.

I don't like no docile,
quiet motherfucker.

You make me scared in the house.

I'll be walking over there,
"Bitch, whatchu thinking?

"You ain't said shit all night,
say something!"

I like a motherfucker
that has that ghetto attitude.

Type of motherfucker
put you out, change the locks
at your house.

What we gonna do
with Al Sharpton?

This motherfucker's a staple.

Ain't no eulogy he'll skip.

I love Al to death, man.
God bless him.

I'm telling you right now,
he better not lose
another ounce.

This nigga's disappearing.

I was watching him on MSNBC.
Went to take a piss
and then came back,

that nigga was gone.

I said "Something wrong
with my Fire Stick."

And I seen, he was between
the resolution lines.

This nigga skinnier
than a motherfucker.

This nigga is blowing between
the H and the D.

Our ancestors are
some bad motherfuckers.

I have the utmost respect
for them.

Al Sharpton and them
marching motherfuckers,

stabbed them and they still
believe in the cause.

And I'll tell y'all right now,

as a black man,

and a man that makes his money
off trying to get us equality,

we are a hard race
on our leaders.

Them motherfuckers
go through it.

I can't even understand
how Martin Luther King did it.

And I'm being honest
with myself.

I, personally speaking,
when I seen all them movies
of Martin Luther King marching,

I'm, like, "Phew.
Glad I came later."

'Cause there ain't no way
I'm walking on that bridge

with them crackers hitting me
with rocks and shit.

I make one march.

Martin come knocking on there
the next time, come on!

Shit! Look at my eye, nigga.

I ain't got it, fuck that shit.

We gotta find another way.

Fuck freedom.

I don't want it no more, Martin.

I don't want freedom,
look at my eye.

I see three of you.

Poor Wendy Williams.

She's going through
everything that men go through

[AUDIENCE TITTERING
AND LAUGHING]

Motherfucker married
the wrong motherfucker,

get your money and build
another motherfucker up.

That's what happened.

It's hard on you.

Your woman...

In that case, her man.

Find a young...
A younger motherfucker.

Use all the money... Your money.

Build that bitch up,
she fine and everything.

You desperate, all on your show,
trying to date anybody.

It's killing her.

Now, why, man? It's hard on her.

Funniest shit was
when she fainted, nigga.

No, I made sure
she was all right.

But after I knew that,
nigga, I laughed.

Put that shit on
the DVR and I said,
"Look at this motherfucker."

Yeah, it was, like, "Timber!"

And she tall, nigga.
It looked like a big-ass tree.

I'll bet you,
ain't no one motherfucker
pick her up by herself.

Took two motherfuckers
to get her up.

It's hard to go to work
and you making money

and another motherfucker
using it.

Men been going through
that shit all they life.

That's why white men
don't get no divorce.
They kill they bitches.

"You gonna take half my shit,
you goin' fishing.

"Get in the boat, bitch.
Get in the boat."

"Where are we going?"
"Don't worry about it."

"Where are we going, Billy?"
"Don't worry about it.

"Just get your shit
and get in the boat.

"Keep rolling that way.

"Look over there.
What's over there?"
[BANGS]

Hit her ass with a hammer.

Wake up the next morning
with a flier.

"I don't know where...
[MUMBLING]

"She went to Walmart
at 4:30 in the morning."

Got the whole neighborhood
looking for that ho.

She underneath the porch.

But Wendy going through it,
I feel her.

So I'm making that bread, man.

The person you thought
loved you...

Gone with your money,
then get a young girl,

buy her all this shit.

You all on your show
trying to find a man.

Make you just have
a nervous fucking breakdown.

She's strong. She's man enough.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I just be fucking with Wendy.
She fuck with everybody else.

Take a joke.

Hell, these ain't nothing
but jokes.

What about Jussie Smollett?

This lyin' motherfucker.

This nigga
told a barbershop lie.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You know, the barbershop lie.

When the nigga walk in there,

"Nigga, you ain't even
gonna believe this."

This nigga coming
with a barbershop lie.

This nigga said,
3:00, he went to go get
a Subway sandwich.

When he was walking down there,
motherfucker called him
racial epithets,

gay slurs,

had a MAGA hat on,

threw bleach
and a foreign object on him,

and put a noose around his neck.

I said, "Damn, nigga.
All them niggas found you."

Every racist group there was
said, "There you go,
let's get him together."

[CHUCKLES]

They got his ass.

I knew he was lying, though.

No, I knew the motherfucker
was lying.

You know, 'cause when they
interviewed the nigga,

he was still holding
the Subway sandwich.

But he had the noose
around his neck,

while he had the footlong
right here.

I said "This nigga didn't let go
of the sandwich?"

I love a footlong,
but not if a nigga hanging me.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I had to let a woman go
'cause of Subway.

No, man. Listen, man. Listen.

Everybody know, when you get
your food to go,

you're supposed to check shit
before you get home.

We go get some food
before we go see the football

and we get home in time
to watch the game on TV.

So, you know, we get our food,
drive home, get home
just in motherfucking time.

[MIMICS BRAKES SCREECHING]

I got my food out, nigga,
I'm 'bout to eat my shit,

puttin' the potato chip down.

I hear in the other room,
"God damn it!"

I said, "What, baby?"
"They fucked my sandwich up."

I said "What'd they do, boo?"

"They ain't put none
of the ingredients on there
what I asked for."

I said, "What'd they leave off?"
"They ain't put no pickles,
no mayonnaise.

"None of the stuff!"
I'm, like, "Damn.
We need to go back!"

I'm like, "Fuck!"

She said, "What's wrong?"

I said, "I just don't understand
how this happened."

She said, "Whatchu mean
you don't understand
how this happened?"

I said, "We was at Subway.

"They fixed your sandwich
in your face.

"What did you do
when you asked them..."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"...for lettuce?
What'd you do, turn around?"

And slid on down, yeah,
put some salt and pepper
on that.

Cut it in four.
That's a combo, that's a combo.

What did you do
when you told 'em
what you wanted?

Can't fuck with
no woman that can't get
a Subway sandwich, man.

Can't have
no woman of my dreams
and the mother of my children

who can't get a sandwich right.

Y'all gotta give it up
to LeBron James.

I know some will boo my ass,

don't fuck with that nigga...

LeBron James,

listen to me, is a unicorn.

Real tall.
He's a fucking unicorn.

You will never, ever see
what this brother did.

Fuck what he did on the court.

Tell you who he is as a man,
especially as a black man.

Fucking LeBron James
came from a broken home

where him and his mother
had to go house to house,

to house, to house, to house,
to house, to house. No father.

Then he had expectations
on him at 16 and 17,

as the chosen one
on Sports Illustrated.

So he already had expectation.

In other words,
what we say, the juice
and everything.

Not only did that black man
go through the pros,

he married
his high school sweetheart,
who happened to be black.

[AUDIENCE HOOTING
AND APPLAUDING]

Usually, you know,
when the brothers get that,

"It's time for me
to get this white woman."

Some of y'all ain't laughing
'cause you're in here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Married her.

You ain't heard no scandal.

Him being in no motherfucking...
In no drugs, cheating
on his wife

caught up, locked up,
none of that shit.

Bro got four of his
motherfucking boys,
put 'em on.

And they all are independent
millionaires on their own,

off the juice
that he got 'em
through the door,

and got 'em all through.
Rich Paul, who's doing his shit.

The rest of 'em, he got 'em.

And also went back to his
own motherfucking neighborhood

and put kids through
God damn college
and the rest of 'em.

You will never see
no motherfucker like that.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

You ain't heard
no cocaine, rehab.

I'm telling you, man,
I look at that motherfucker
like, whoo...

You don't even know the pressure
of being successful

and abundance of being able
to do what the fuck
you wanted to do.

And that brother
was able to navigate
and go through all that

and never, ever,
ever been an embarrassment

to our fucking race.

And he came through
what most of us come through,
a single black mother

that got him all through
and to hold on his own.

You will never see
no motherfucker do that again.

Talk about,
'cause most of the time,

when they get that light on 'em,
you know what happens.

And the first thing they say,
"I never had no father."

Well, nigga, you knew
you had no father
a long time ago.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your father didn't
just leave today.

These ain't jokes.

LeBron. Shaq is another
motherfucker ain't had
no father.

That's what made me go
to the YMCA

and all these AAU tournaments
and be looking for these kids
without fathers.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Fuck the stock market.

Catch that nigga when he eight,
I could pay for these shoes
till they go pro.

Look at his mama,
he need a man in his life.

I've got my Jordans on

and all I wanna say,

I know Mike ain't played
in these motherfuckers.

These bitches
be killing my feet.

I know this nigga
ain't put out 36.

[LAUGHING] Knees, motherfucker!

I know how women be feeling too
'cause really, right now,
I feel like I need some flats.

[ALL LAUGHING]

But I wanna look cute,
so look at this.

I really could use
some slippers.

These corns, like,
come on, nigga,
how long we got?

I'll be seeing women [CHUCKLES]

holding and taking their shoes
and putting them flats on.

I ain't got no problem with it.

'Cause every time
I put these Js on,

I'd be wantin'
to carry some slippers.

Dr. Dre got his divorce.

Some women be...
They out their
motherfucking mind.

She said she wanted
a million dollars a month.

She's... They said to her,
look, itemize why
you need a million.

And she said $200,000
is for entertainment. I said...

This motherfucker must be having
a concert to herself.

[ALL LAUGHING]

One million dollars!

I remember I was going through
my divorce,

my wife was like,
"I want $50,000 a month."

I said "I'll quit first.

"You heard
the last joke, bitch."

I'll start working
at McDonald's.

Nigga like,
"Ain't that Earthquake?"

"Nigga, do you want
a number two or do you
want a number three?

"Take a picture and let her know
I'm really working here.

"Post that shit."

That divorce
is some hard-ass shit.

You know it.
There's motherfuckers in here
right now contemplating divorce.

When you look over there
and say "Well, I really do love
my truck and my dog."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"I'm gonna stay with her."

These ain't jokes.

Some of y'all in here right now
more miserable than
a motherfucker.

And that pandemic
really fucked you up

because you ain't had no outlet.

You just in this
motherfucker. "What's up?"
"You know what's up."

I don't know about
any other woman,

but when a black woman
mad at you that motherfucker
let everybody in the world know.

They be on the phone talking
to you... Talking to people
like you ain't even there.

"Yeah, girl, I don't know
how long I can put up with this.

"I didn't sign up for this.

"Bad dick and struggling.

"Where they do that at?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

I should have stayed with Craig.

Should've stayed motherfucking
with Craig.

Women do that shit.

Some people don't.

Find that right woman, you good.

Fuck with the wrong nigga,
you're going to end up
living with your mom.

And pandemic let your ass know
that shit happen too.

-You just stuck there, like,
"God damn!"
-[WOMAN IN AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, she know it.

I can feel her fucking,
like, whoo!

Just let me get a raise
'cause I'm gonna leave
this motherfucker.

Can't do it right now,
gas too high.

Know what I mean?
If gas go up one more
motherfucking penny,

I'm telling you,
I'mma vote for Trump.

It's a joke, motherfucker.

Gas is high.
Now, you gotta make up excuses.

My son, like,
"Daddy, give me
a ride to school."

I said, "I would nigga,
but I ain't going that way."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"I gotta make that right,
you need to go left.

"I just got enough time
to make my appointment."

That's the hardest shit
when you go through
a divorce, too.

'Cause you're going through...
It's really...

'Cause you...
Especially if you've got kids,

'Cause you're sitting there,
you gotta protect
their interests,

you wanna let them know

"It ain't got nothing to do
with you.

"Just me and your
motherfucking mama."

Ain't compatible, that's all.

I'm a strong believer
that you can be a father
without being a husband,

boyfriend, or even a friend.

What we supposed to do
is co-parent

and be in the best interests
of our child.

Some of y'all women
be holding your kids
like hostages,

feeling it's a package deal.

And see, I'm a real nigga.
I do not negotiate
with terrorists.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, I don't.

But you have to do
what you have to do.

You have to show your child
that it is

the love of them
that's the most important
in your life.

So no matter what she do to you,

you, as a man supposed
to brush that shit off,

And the reason why you
supposed to brush shit off

because, to be quite honest
with you,

all men are accountable
for the decision they make.

And you decided to marry
that motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you decided to go roll up
in that motherfucker.

Send your dick in there
like Rambo with no backup.

So you must take on
the responsibility
that comes along with it.

And I never had no problem
with it.

My son is in here somewhere now.

That's my motherfucking man,
me and him.

Spend a million dollars
just to see that nigga Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Thursdays,

No, that was...
Nigga, these ain't jokes.

And then, that was...
That was...

Visitation rights for me
to see my son

Tuesday, Wednesdays
and Thursday, 2:00-6:00.

I remember one time
I took him home about 6:30.

We was having a good time
at Chuck E. Cheese.

And when I got there,
police was there and everything.

Her lawyer was there.

I had violated my court order.

Yeah, because I was supposed
to have him at 6:00.

If you don't bring them back
at 6:00, and I brought him
back at 6:30,

you are in violation
and you are in contempt.

And then that's when
they call their lawyer,

which you pay for.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, real talk.

And they do this shit
called ex parte.

Ex partemeans I need
to see the judge today.

Right now. And since
I got all the money,
in the state of California,

you must pay,
when you go through divorce,

each counsel's fee.

And you must... She must have
equal counsel such as yours.

So if you have
a $500-an-hour lawyer,

she must have
a $500-an-hour.

So if you 30 minutes late,

and they say that it's
ex parte, and you're in
violation of your court order,

her lawyer come down,
it's a minimum charge
of four hours.

So that's five...
That's two stacks.

Then there's a minimum
of four hours for mine

That's a new $2,000.

It's $5,000 to the court.

And we ain't even sayin' shit.

So you there the whole
motherfucking time,
the clock is just ticking.

And you can see the judge.

Judge said "Why did you
bring him home late?

I said "We was having
a good time.

"He said "If you do it again,
I'mma hold you in contempt

"and I'mma fine you."
I was, like, bet.

So me and my son,
when he was young,
was hanging,

it get, like, 5:55,
I just push that nigga
in the yard.

"Go on, get in there."

He said, "Daddy."
"Mmm-mmm, hug me from here.

"Costs 10,000 dollars
to keep you late."

Kids are crazy, man.

I got a friend.
He brought his kids
some clothes for Christmas.

Kids looked at him
and said, "That ain't
no motherfucking gift.

"You supposed to buy me clothes.

"Where's the Xbox?

"How you gonna get clothes?"

And these young people
don't pay shit.

They get over on everything.

I feel like a sucker
'cause I got cable.

My son ain't got no cable,

nigga, he get the fights
and everything for free.

I was, like, "Is the fight on?"
[MIMICS TYPING]

He watching it, nigga.

I just paid $80.

You feel like a sucker.

That's how you do it
all the time.

He living, I call him Lil Duval
'cause this motherfucker's
living his best life.

And I'm so proud of him.
'Cause I told him, boy,

I'd be doing
the same shit he doing
if I had a father like me.

You see, my mother lived
with my grandmother.

She told her
"Do not have another child.

"You're already at four.

"Number five ain't coming
in this motherfucker."

And guess who was number five?

Me.

So when she got pregnant
with me,

my grandmother said
"Listen to me,

"soon as he able to walk,
he gonna walk [CHUCKLES]
the fuck up out of here."

So I started taking
my first step.

My grandmama seen it
and said "He gotta go."

My brothers are like,
"We tried to tell you,
nigga, crawl.

"But you just had to show
Madea you can walk."

These ain't jokes.

Had to go. So she gave me
to her sister, which is my aunt,

what I call as my mother,

and said "Hold on to my child
till I get on my feet."

As her sister, older, says,
"Sure, I'll have it."

Her sister was doing well.
She had a husband.

And she had two kids.

But she was able to have a man
to marry her with her two kids.

I didn't know none of this shit
until I was older.

And my... My...
Not my biological mother,

but the woman that raised me
was a bad motherfucker.

As a woman.

So when she raised me
and had me and had me there
the whole time,

my mother finally
got on her feet
and got her own place.

By that time,
I was about six years old.

She came to get me
and she had one more child.

So we came in here.
I used to see my brothers
all the time.

She said, "Okay,
I want you to live
with me now."

And when I went in there,
my brothers was in bunk beds.

-They only had...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They ain't had their own room.

I had my own room over at her's.

I was the only boy.

I was living good.

So my mother said...
She said "Come on,
I want you to live with me."

You know, being a comedian...
I didn't know I was a comedian,
but I knew.

I was like "Nah,
I'm gonna stay where I'm at.

"Grandma was right.
You got to get
your shit together."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Get your ass outta here!"

So I lived

with my aunt,
which I called my mother.

And it was great
'cause I get to hang out
with my brothers.

They lived in the hard part
of town, Southeast DC.

And I lived kinda
in the suburbs, nigga.

So I'd get to go over there,
see the action,

but don't have to
stay over there.

See, I was bounced
from both homes
and shit like that,

When one motherfucker
make you mad,
you run over there.

Other motherfucker make you mad,
you run back over there.

Do all that kind of shit.

But I was getting hell
from my cousins,

who was my aunt's...
Her two children.

Them motherfuckers was just,
why don't you move back
with your family?

We found you
on the railroad tracks.

I said "I don't give a fuck
where you found me,
I ain't leaving, nigga."

And they used to say that shit
all the time, they didn't...
Didn't cover nothing.

What really made me mad is,

I did not know my uncle,
which was married to my aunt,

that those was not his kids.

Had I known that,

I'd have wore their ass out.

We both in this bitch lucky.

But they ain't tell me that shit
till I was like in my 30s.

I was madder
than a motherfucker.

I said "You're gonna
tell me... you're just
telling me this shit?

You know, I could've fought
these motherfuckers."

UFC fight, I love that shit.
But that's some brutal-ass shit.

I watch UFC and I'm like,
there's gotta be a better way
to get a check.

These niggas, motherfuckers
be elbowing... [GRUNTS]

And then shake hands
after it's over.

Nigga, you crazy.

I'd be looking at the ref,
"Take these gloves off.

"'Cause I'm gonna get a pistol.

"I'm gonna shoot this nigga.
Look what he did to my eye.

"I ain't shaking his hand.

"Fuck him!"

One thing I wanna
say to any fighters
that's watching this shit,

I don't wanna hear
about your bios no more.

"I grew up without a father...
[MIMICS WHINING]

"And I got out of jail..."
Fuck all that!

I don't wanna hear...
I only got two questions
for you.

Can you fight
and are you gonna fight tonight?

I don't want to hear nothing
about your woman and...
Fuck all that!

As soon as you do
all the... [WHINING]

Nigga, fall out.

Tired of it.
And another thing I'm tired of,

stop bringing your kids
and your wife to the fight.

You in there
getting your ass whooped

in front of your children.

You ain't gonna never discipline
that nigga again.

You look at your son
"Take the trash out!"

"You ain't said that shit
to that nigga last night.

"He was whooping
your motherfucking ass.

"It's easy for you to jump
on a little eight-year-old"

You know, we all on edge
about this school shooting.

I was scared one time, though.

I turned on the TV...
I was sleeping,
I turned on the TV.

And I see
my little nephew's school
was on the TV.

They said "We have
a random shooter in the school."

I said "Oh, shit!
That's my nephew's school.

"Oh, shit!" They said...

"The gunman is shooting
students in the library."

I went back to sleep.

I said "I know
he ain't in there.

"I've seen his grades.

"If he got shot in there,
that's God's will."

[ALL LAUGHING]

'Cause he never go in there,
God wanted this to happen.

You can't fight
against the Lord.

Went back to sleep.

I was up, I was nervous.

But when they said the gunman
was shooting people
in the library,

no, he wouldn't be there.

[CHUCKLING]

Out back, smoking a blunt? Yeah.

But there's a new drug
out here, man.

Sweeping the country,
I'm telling you right now,

more powerful than crack,

fentanyl.

Shit is called Amazon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You really got it bad
when you Prime, nigga.
You Prime!

You don't even go to the store
no more. Fuck the grocery store!

Have this shit by tomorrow.

Trucks be pulling up.
Damn, that's an ugly driver.

You ain't got
no fine motherfucker
to bring this shit?

I was terrible.
I had only one good job.

My brother still works.

This motherfucker always
trying to get unemployment.

White dude was smart this time.

His last supervisor said,
"Tyrone, you could quit,
but I ain't firing you."

He'd be out back
smoking a blunt.

"Fire me!"
"Mmm-mmm, put it out
and come on in."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"We need
these cheesesteaks fixed."

"Fire me, motherfucker!"

"You could quit, Tyrone,
but I ain't firing you."

Working is some hard
motherfucking shit.

I don't know why people tell you
you get some good feeling
from working.

I was
in the military, man, and...

One of the best times
in my life,

but one of the most
scariest times in life

'cause I am the only man
in the United States
whose name is in the Pentagon

for dropping a nuclear weapon
in the United States.

These are not jokes.

I'm a 462 SAC Air Command.
Loaded nuclear weapons
in the B-52s

in Barksdale Air Force
when I first got...

Left my mama house.

Now, if you know anything
about nuclear ordnances,

we have three ways to do 'em.

We send them through the air,
through submarines,

and, of course, silos.

Well, my job was loading
nuclear weapons on B-52s.

Now, you know...

All my life, all the good
things and bad things,
have a common denominator,

women.

And this story is no different.

I'm in, you know...
Back in the day,
I'm loading nuclear weapons.

And, you know, we supposed to
exchange the nuclear weapons,

the ordnance in the B-52s
every 30 days.

The reason why you change
the ordnance is because

the Russians
have spy satellites.

Spies tell them
which bombs are in which planes.

And if they know which
ordnance is in each plane,

they know the capability
of the plane of the mission.

So they tell us, every 30 days,
to change the ordnance.

So, undercover...

So the Russians don't know
which plane got what.

When that nuke...
When we, what we call...

When a plane takes off
and it has a nuke in it,
that means it is war.

Because against
the Geneva Treaty,
you cannot fly a plane

with a hot ordnance in it.

So what we do all the time,
every time, we do, like,
an elephant walk,

That's where the planes
just go around the flight line,

come on back
and park back right there.

They used to tell women
all the time,

sometimes you don't know
if it's an elephant walk
or they really gonna take off.

That's just the exercise.

And I told the woman,
I said "Hey, look,

"I know you're looking for
the man of your dreams,

"but if that plane take off,
you might as well give me
that pussy tonight.

"Because you only got
four hours.

"And the man you want,
he might not be here.

"And if he is, you ain't gonna
want him 'cause he's gonna
be burnt."

These are not jokes.
It's true shit.

So...

Luke, you know what I mean?

2 Live Crew, back in the day
when they first came out.

You've seen them.
Luke had about 125 women.

These motherfuckers was finer
than a motherfucker.

And they was coming to our city.

So I put on the board,

I, Sergeant Stroman,
will not be here this Friday.

I'm taking a day of leave
so I can see Luke.

It's in one hour.
Nigga, I had my tickets
all ready.

Pop That Coochie.
Doo Doo Brown,nigga.

[CHUCKLES] Nigga, I'm coming
to see him.

We got ugly chicks
where I live at.
These are Miami motherfuckers.

Thursday come,
I look at the schedule.

Whose fucking name is up
for rotating the munitions

on the plane? Sergeant Stroman.

I said "Hey, First Sergeant.
I was supposed to have
this day off.

He said "I know,
we got people sick.

"All you gotta do,
Sergeant Stroman,
just come in tomorrow,

"change the nuke,
and you can leave
and go see Luke."

Now I'm pissed off.

I'm not the type of person

to do shit that
they don't wanna do.
And I'm not gonna do it right.

So, of course,
they got a checklist
that you supposed to check

and make sure you do
all the necessary precautions
to put this nuke up.

Hey, I done this shit
for 30 God damn times.

I don't need that checklist.

Come on, let's put
this bitch up
so I can go see Luke.

We put it up under
the bomb bay of the B-52.
We put it in there.

Now, they're supposed to have
four grease fittings
that put it in.

Supposed to check all four.

I'm in a rush.

Only two got in there.

True story.

So I bring the rack down,
thinking I got four
but only two there,

move the rack out,
then I hear...
[MIMICS CREAKING NOISE]

Bam! Then the motherfucker
just came and hit the ground.

Boom!

Everybody started running.

I'm, like "What the fuck
you running for?"

This a nuke.

This motherfucker about
to take out the whole country.

I don't give a fuck
how fast you is, you can't
outrun a nuke.

I'm being a black man
covering my own ass.

I started taking
the grease pencil,
checking the shit.

Saying, yeah,
I did all these checks.

Covering my ass.

True story.

All of a sudden,
you see ambulance...

I mean, trucks coming.

Base Commander coming,
all them motherfuckers coming.

They done woke up the President.

We have had a Broken Arrow...

for a nigga trying to see Luke.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Base Commander coming in here,
he's a two-star general.

He know he ain't gonna get
his third now

'cause he done had a nuke fall
under his motherfucking watch.

He cussing me out,
calling me everything

but a child of God.

I ain't hearing none
of that shit.

All I'm hearing is,
"I ain't gonna get to see
these bitches.

"This is bullshit."

"I wasn't even supposed
to be here."

So they grab
the checklist, give it to the
quality insurance inspector,

make sure you followed
all the proper protocols on it,

and they rushed all of us
to the hospital

for blood analysis,
see if we were we on anything.

They draw the blood
and everything.
Come back with my lab results.

"He wasn't on anything
but incompetence."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So when I come back, they don't,
you know...

They don't let me touch
no more planes.

They put me in the snack bar.

You seen the movie
in the snack bar.

[CHUCKLES] The niggas
that come home from the war,

he got the cocoa for him
and shit.

"What's up, Bob?
It ain't nothing..."

Got the towel on there,
wiping shit. That's me.

All my friends laughing at me.

"They won't let you
touch no missiles.

"Your ass in the snack bar."

And, see, I try to tell people,
that's how I am.

See, I'm a factual person.

Perceptually, never,
ever fuck with me.

I deal with facts.

And though I was
in the snack bar,
I was still winning.

'Cause one thing
you might not know
about the military,

though we fight communism,

military practice it.

And what I mean by that,
I was an E-5 at the time.

Now the E-5 loading missiles,
which I was doing,

get the same pay
as an E-5 at the snack bar.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So... [CHUCKLES]

So who would you rather be?

The motherfucker inside
that's passing out doughnuts

or the motherfucker
out there all night,
just putting up missiles?

That's how it works.

Like I told you all before,
my son, he's in here.

And I love him to death.
One thing, I do love him,

that I try to spend time
with him, he love it,
but I hate it...

It's fishing.

We go out and be out there
for eight hours,

this motherfucker
catch two fish.

I told him all the time,
"We just passed
all these fishmarkets.

"We can go in that motherfucker
and get whatever fish
your heart desires of catching."

[CHUCKLING]

"If it makes you feel bad,
when I get home,
I'll put it on a hook for you.

"I'll run some water
in the sink,

"you can get your rod
in that motherfucker,
and I'll put it in the sink,

"and I'll hold the string
while you fight it for tension."

These are not jokes.

They've got this show
on TV. Extremely...

Extremely fucking cheap people.

Remind me of my brother,
that nigga is real cheap.

But I'll see a lot of
people on that show
that's cheaper.

Putting... Washing their clothes
in the pool.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Y'all know who do that.

My Caucasian brothers
and sisters.

But they did have
a black man on there.

I was surprised
that he had a woman.

This motherfucker
was making his own liquor.

Cooked his food
off the top of the heat
of his engine in his car.

The sister was with him,
I said, whoo!

She really... The pickings
must be real slim.

But these ain't jokes.

Gotta get rid
of this belly, though.

Trying to work out
but the shit
just ain't working out.

You don't know
how long a minute is until
you get on that treadmill.

You be on that bitch,
"Damn, this a long song."

I didn't even know
this song was so long.

I mean, when I went
to the gym, nigga,

I stayed on the treadmill,
they said I only lost
15 calories.

I said "I ate that over here."

Fucked around
and came to the gym
and gained weight.

I remember, I was at the gym,
I was so motherfucking tired,

nigga I called the Uber
from the gym.

Like, he said, "Where you at?"
I said "I'm inside.

"Come pick me up."

"I'm beside this machine
called the Eucalis
or something, nigga.

"Come pick a motherfucker up.

"Give me a ride to my car.

"My car outside."

I smell food
and gain weight, nigga.

Me and this belly
gonna have to break up.

And these inner thighs.

Oh, it ain't by myself,
I see a lot of you niggas
in here rubbing.

You know what you...
[EXCLAIMS]

In here, you light-skinned.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Black all over here,
but here you light-skinned.

This motherfucker ain't
never seen the sun.

Don't get no light, just...

No hair don't grow.
Balder than
a motherfucker in here.

You know where it's at.

[CHUCKLES]

New York got a black
police commissioner.

Niggas, y'all going to jail.

A black police commissioner?

All y'all are going to jail.

I be watching
The First 48hours.

What I'll never understand,
they'd be like "Where were you

"on Tuesday at 3:00?"

And they're like
"Let me think about it."

I'd be like "I don't know
where I was at, but I know
I ain't killed no motherfucker."

[ALL LAUGHING]

I know what...
What I didn't do.

But you can always tell
when they about to snitch.

They were like "Man,
you ain't even gonna
believe this."

They go to that barbershop lie.

"Where was you at?"
"I was with my mama."

"You weren't with
your damn mama."

"That's the truth."

My kid's in here, man.

Had me a TV show, man.
Finally got my turn.

Come to fruition.

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-Yeah!

Get that God damn money!

Find me a honey.

Yeah.

I'mma get married again.

I thought I'd never
get married again.

This time I said, well,
I'm gonna try.

I think I found
the right one this time.

Yeah, nigga. When you pick
the wrong one, nigga,
you be like "Whoo, Jesus!"

Lot of y'all
going through that now.

That pandemic
let you know if you really
love the motherfucker.

'Cause you ain't had
no outside activities.

We just had to sit there,
like, damn.

Same tuna fish again.

[LAUGHING]

Some of y'all ain't laughing,
I don't give a fuck.

I don't. I really don't.

And poor Arizona, Phoenix.

Trump still got you all out
down here, counting ballots.

"Count 'em again!"

He send the cyber ninja
for you, motherfucker.

They motherfuckers...
Y'all might don't know it
or not,

and I know a lot
of y'all motherfuckers
don't wanna know,

but they was trying
to have a coup.

They said "Fuck with
everybody who voted, nigga."

They was together
trying to steal
that fucking election.

Fuck who voted
on that motherfucker.

Not saying it's white.

Put it this way,
it's the ideology
of the white man,

of the man he thinks.

It's like riding in a car.

You should be lucky
to be in the car,
but you have no right to know

or even ask
or demand the destination.

You can see it all day long.

They're sitting there.

They treat everybody,
an ideology that has
nothing to do with color.

Just if you're not one of them,
women, men or nothing.
It's the same.

It's the same man
will tell a woman

that she don't have the right
to make a decision
on her reproduction system

and when she can
and cannot have a baby,

but that's the same white man
who's saying, "Nigga, you can't
make me wear no mask.

"I have a right not to wear
a motherfucking mask."

But you can infringe
on a woman

and tell her when she can
or cannot have a fucking child.

And I'm going to tell
y'all women sometime,

at some point, y'all gonna
have to stand up
for your God damn self.

Y'all keep on supporting
these motherfuckers.

Because believe me,
oh, believe me,
if you can or not, as a man,

believe me, from the bottom
of my heart,

if men had to take on
the responsibility

of having children, believe me,
abortion would be available

through the Drive-Thru
at McDonald's, nigga.

You'd be able to pull up
"Give me a number four.

"We gotta get this
motherfucker out of there.

"Is that you, Earthquake?"
"Yeah!

"You know, them hos always
trying to hold a nigga down."

I'll see y'all later.
I'm Earthquake.
God bless you. Thanks!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]