All language subtitles for Smartless.On.The.Road.S01E02.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

Thank you.

Make sure you flush, Will.

Uh, what's he gonna
do in the locker room?

What do you think?

Uh, he couldn't
just do that upstairs?

Uh, room key.

It's red.

Red.

Still red!

Still locked.

It might just be...
Uh, go!

Go! Green, green, green. Go!

- Go.
- It's open?

What?
How do you get in there?

Smart. Less.

Smart. Less.

Oh.

Pivot.

All alone.

By himself.

No thoughts.

Just run.

Run.

Empty.

Nothing come in.

Nothing come out.

Just run...

...like machine.

Machine stay empty.

Empty machine is goal.

Empty vessel.

Machine.

I mean,
it's kinda true.

Ah, Matza ball soup.

They got a New England
Clam Chowder.

I don't think
that's a good call.

Fucking belly full
of fucking chowder.

Okay. Hot wings? No.

Chicken club wrap.

The One Dalton burger.

Steak frites.

Possible burger.

Oh, my god. I just did
a little drive-by
of your closet.

You got a read fur collar
on that coat, huh?

I know.

Oh, boy.

- Where do we gonna
get to enjoy that?
- I'm not gonna wear it.

You're saying you don't wanna
reveal on this documentary
what a douchebag you are?

You wanna keep that for later?

- Do you... Do you...
- I think the horse
is outta the barn.

Do you wanna go down
this road?

Uh-uh.

What is happening
with you two?

It's flirting.

This is the way
we start to get it going.

Oh, slightly disturbing. Okay.

I'm going to Eli's room.
I'll be back.

- Did you already shower after
you... you did the, um, uh--
- Yeah.

- ...lazy man's workout
in the sauna?
- Yeah.

I'd like to sweat
but I don't wanna exert
to cause it.

Let me just sit in a hot room.

I lifted weights.

M'Okay.

Wait, you... you ran six miles
on a treadmill.

So cool it Iron Man.

Also, tell your face...

- That I exercised?
- Yeah.

It's still puffy?

- The eyes.
- No.

You know the movie
The Hills Have Eyes?

You could do the remake
but it's called "The Eyes
Have Hills."

You don't need
to laugh at that.

- You know what I mean?
- You know what? You're shaking
the camera.

You didn't
just walk into that,
you built that joke.

- I'm a setup guy.
- Yeah.

I enjoy it.

So keep 'em coming, smartass.

- Hi,
come on in.
- House...

You guys ordered food?

We just had breakfast,
like, two seconds ago.

- Okay?
- No, but I'm saying,
like, are you gonna--

You know,
it's four or five
hours away.

Yeah, all right.

- Okay, great. Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

Yeah, I think...
Who cares,
it's just for them.

Will, why don't you
help him set up instead
of just watching?

Ta ta ta ta
diggie diggie dum .

Sorry he's so chatty.

I know.

He's got a lotta issues.

Oh, whip pan onto this.

Whip pan onto this. He's...

- What's implausible
about it...
- Let go.

Whip pan.

Silverware, whip pan.
What's the...

Ask him what the aspect
ratio is.

I want you to whip pan
on this.

Ready? One, two, three.

You're watching...

You're watching somebody
who can't let go and control.

Oh, can I not let go?

But I let go on that.

What? No!

- Try it. Try to hit me
right in the face.
- I'm not gonna hit you.

No.

Oh! God,
you're lucky you put
that there.

It was dead on.

This is why you need
two camera coverage.

Oh, my back.

And by the way,
we just made a mess.

Sorry about that, sir.

He's got psychological issues.

And you know, I know...

It's good to laugh
'cause it's the only thing
that gets you through it.

Let me just wipe up
the apple juice.

I mean, it's unbelievable.

Just...

You have to have fun,
and we keep telling him that,

and... and he just doesn't
know how.

- Yeah.
- Well, his is for sure.

His is definitely for...

Speaking residuals, right now.

Sure, Karen.

- What'd he say?
- He said...

Think, okay?

- What did you say?
- You... You're the studio.

- Think.
- You're the studio.

Triggering residuals.

Right?

But you know what,
he's got a mask on
so you can just...

Thank you so much.

- Awesome.
- Thank you.

This is not for you
so get... back off.

Hey, man.

- So... Fuck.
- You see?

Everyone's gotta laugh, Will.

- Get the fuck out
of my food.
- Thank you so much.

I'm so sorry for the...

Okay.

Okay, sure.

Learn something
from what he said.

- Let go.
- Don't forget
the mayo, fat fuck.

Oh, don't
worry, I won't.

Do you feel, like, sometimes
you miss out on stuff, like,
that you're not enjoying life?

- Are you gonna be worried?
- No.

On your deathbed
you're gonna go "Fuck."

How many sauces
you gonna put on that?

- I don't know.
- Oops.

- Oopsie.
- All right.

Having fun though.

Enjoying my life.
It's happening now.

God, you're gonna be
so shriveled and zero
bone density on your deathbed,

- age 59.
- Laughs.

The body of an old
fucking man.

The autopsy's gonna be like,

"Ooh, gross. His insides
have poured out."

"Nothing holding
them together.

This guy's malnourished,
what happened?"

The... Oh, my god.
You're halfway done with that,
and you've taken two bites.

You haven't even finished
chewing the first bite
and you put a second one in.

Yeah, and make sure
you knock it down

with some carbonated beverage
that's just gonna, like...

It's just hysteria
in your stomach now.

I know.

It's so good.

Look what Sean got.

Here.

Just so you don't have
to reach 'cause I see
you eyeing them.

No, I had three of 'em,
that's enough.

What about your salad?

I'm a big dude. What about it?

When is that happening?

- I'm not gonna eat it.
- How 'bout this loaf of bread?

I didn't order that.

- You're not gonna eat
the salad?
- No.

- I got soup.
- Let me have that.

There you go.

- So-shi-me.
- Sashimi.

- It's one of the dumbest
things ever said.
- Oh.

Anyways, this is perfect.

Well what did you think
I was gonna do,
take pictures of it?

You got
a chicken breast?

Uh, the chicken breast
can be here, yes, thank you.

And Will would like
to sign for that.

- For all of that.
- I'd love to.

I'd love to.

Thank you so much.

And he doesn't wanna ask,
can you put that bread
in his bag,

um, in his room please.

- 'Cause he wants to take it
to New York.
- After all...

- Yeah, thank you.
- After all...

Doesn't want anybody
to see it.

If you guys have any
of those airplane barf bags
too, that'd be great.

Thank you!

- Thank you my friend.
- Take care.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- Oh, you're done?
- Oh, yeah, oh yeah.
Thanks, Sean.

- Sorry.
- Just one?

Uh oh, here he goes.

- Oh.
- He'll clear the table
before we're done eating.

- You're done,
right? Okay.
- Truly.

Don't get pissed
off, Sean.

Sean, relax.
He's just doing his... okay.

Enjoy.
Thank you so much.

- Thank you.
- Love you.

What're you...

Putting the review
in already.

- This guy hasn't even left
the room.
- One star!

Hasn't even left
the room yet, wow.

- Um...
- Wow, what a hit
got off that cookie.

You've got
to pace yourself.

I'm on fucking fire.

Fuck that sugar hit me
like a fucking freight train.

- How many of those cookies
did you put down?
- I had one.

And I want two so badly.

- One pull.
- I'm gonna be in tears.

You see what I mean?
This is what
I'm talking about.

Now you're having
self-loathing.

- It's a vicious spiral.
- No, I'm just... I'm just...

- Hey, does anybody--
- Move on and you go
through it.

- We'll talk about it.
- You... You get better
at moving on.

- We'll talk
about it later.
- Like an, I don't know,

Fucking moron.

Holy fuck do you need
to have everything explained
all the time?

He ignited
something in me.

He ignites something.
He lights my pilot light

- and then it's going.
- Did you touch...
Did you touch this?

I didn't touch it.

- I coughed in it.
- Being paranoid.

Will,
listen to me loud and clear,

you have an hour to nap
before... before too--

I know I gotta go to bed,
I gotta go to bed.

Can you really
go to sleep on all that sugar?

Yeah, I'm gonna crash
out for 20 minutes.

And then do you take
another shower?

Oh.

Wait, that was
a serious question.

No.

How do you wake up
without a shower?

You're obsessed!

See what I mean?

- He thought he was--
- You're obse--

I go pee.
"Do you take a shower?"

- I'll have, like, a bite
of, like a cookie.
- Amanda.

-"Did you take a shower?"
- What're you gonna do?

He's Howard Hughes.
He is Howard Hughes.

You married Howard Hughes
with no money.

Why?

It was the only good
thing about him.

Oh, my god.

Fuck me. Fuck me.

I gotta sleep.

Will, are you sending back
old clothes?

Yup.

- Sure am.
- Smart.

Let me see.

'Kay. So this had
to come down.

- No, let me do it. Let me see.
- That's coming down.

It's just supposed
to be like this.

Just a normal sweater.

- Here.
- But then the tuck in?

- No. Well...
- No.

- I gotta untuck it.
- Yeah.

Just untuck it, okay.

There, that's how it is,
just normal. This is so cute.

I'm so bummed
we didn't get to see
Boston, really.

'Cause of the weather
and logistics and everything.

But it looks pretty cool.

Well, next one.

Next one's New York.

That'll be fun.

We'll walk around and...

...enjoy each other's
company some more.

Been a really successful...

Uh.

...tour so far, emotionally.

Oh, but you think
it has too much style?
I like it.

I mean, there's a lotta color,
a lotta zippers.

And I don't really care
what Arnett says.

But is that what you're
worried about?

Well, not worried so much
as anticipating.

Wow.
One show, by the way.

We've done one fucking show.

If for some reason
we ever get a guest

that decides to flake
on us or something,

we just pull somebody
random out of the crowd.

That's what somebody
else said.

I think it's a really
good idea, actually.

- Right?
- Amanda.

- Yes, sweets.
- Jason just had
a good idea.

What?

I'm just saying
can you do a press release?

Wait, Jay,
we should do--

We should do
that anyway.

Oh, 'cause the... the big
good ideas are few
and far between.

Oof.

Um, all right, this me doing--

He can't even... He can't even
follow the thread and thought
of his own idea.

- Did you see that?
- No, he can't.

He's already... He's so ADD.

- It was a solid idea.
- You had an idea,
you put it up

and then you just let it go
and you walked away from it.

- We gotta go.
- Why?

Aren't we leaving
at 4 o'clock?

- Yes.
- We have to leave
right now.

- Yes.
- We have to go down right now.

- 'Kay.
- One quick thing

I have to digitally sign
a check before we leave here.

This takes two seconds.

How long
have you guys
been married?

- I mean together,
not, like, you're married.
- We've been together 22 years.

- 22 years. Isn't that amazing.
- But married 20.

- Yeah.
- And I haven't seen another
naked man in 22 years.

- You want to?
- Nope.

- All right. Your loss.
- Nope. Nope.

One man
with the exterior
of a human.

Can I help you?
It's not a great look.

He has infiltrated.

- Oh, you're gonna
drag them?
- Yes.

No one knows his secret.

That underneath
the artificial flesh
and bone...

...he is machine.

Nothing but...

...machine.

- Just sign
what you need to sign.
- Okay, I did it.

Fuck, it's icy, huh?

- Yikes.
- It's nice, nice baby.

- Doing the Ice Ice dance.
- Yeah.

Just gonna...
I hate to have to make
the announcement

that Sean can't be here
'cause of a bit.

- 'Cause of... 'Cause of ice...
'Cause of a Vanilla Ice bit.
- Mmm-hmm.

Look at all the zippers!

I'm like a...

Hair is fluffy.

The matching bag
is what's killing me.

Hey, it's Indy.

See?

- You know what?
I packed the wrong--
- I like it.

- I can't be
responsible--
- Will.

- I packed the wrong coat.
- ...for the matching
bag and the matching jacket.

- I like it.
- Is that the one--

- You know I like it.
- Can I have one
of those mints?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know I like it.

Okay, ready guys?
One, two. Willy.

One, two. Wait.

Wait, wait.

Two, three.

We are an hour
and a half away
from another interview, great.

- I always forget we got
to do the actual show.
- I know.

I thought that we weren't
going to or shouldn't

really, kind of engage
with the audience.

It turned out
that it's okay for these
to be totally different

than our regular podcast.

- Yeah.
- And they kind of
have to be.

Right. Got it.

And I think they enjoy that.

- Yeah.
- And it's nice.

Although having said that,
tonight could be a complete...

...snooze fest
from an audience standpoint.

And then we just make
it more insular.

- Yeah.
- Like our...

Yeah, you feel the audience.

It's like, one of these
out of the ten shows
we're doing,

is gonna be like doing
to matinee.

Right, I mean nothing...
nothing's gonna be
as energetic

as Will Ferrell coming out
in a powder blue tuxedo
smoking a cigarette.

No.

Yeah, man.

- Thank you very much.
- You got it.

Thank you for taking
the time.

There you go,
you got it guys.

- Thank you, brother.
- Go get warm.

- Have a good one.
- All right,
see you later.

- Hi!
- How are you today?

Good, sir, how are you?

Living the dream.

Ooh, there's a piano.

I'm gonna go play.

Hey, um, Marguerite?

I'm just checking:
so, Conan's first, right?

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

And he's here and...

- He's here.
- Right.

And the oboes.

And then the piano.

- Yeah.
- Oboes.

- Where are the boys?
- They found
a piano.

- So I'm comin' to tell ya.
- Oh.

It takes me to a place
that, like...

You love it?

- Yeah.
- What do you love
about it?

Classical music takes me
into my smallest...

...most intimate, private...

...most centered place.

I love it too.

It's a little bit
of a time machine,

because it's exactly
what they were hearing
back then.

That... That's it.

That was a concert.

Slam it shut!

Look at...

She's the best!

♪ She's simply the best ♪

Just in case.

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

Okay, good.

This is fine. I...
I look like a politician.

Everybody's shutting down.

Is everybody okay?

My guest, uh...

Are you chatting now?

Really could go one of two
ways tonight.

Go home.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Wow.

I think someone
needs to take a shower.

Drive him to the hospital.

- If that smells...
- It doesn't!

- Hi, buddy!
- Good to see ya!

So bummed that we gotta
keep you, like, over here

and not fucking
around with us,

and not fucking
around with us,
but the boys don't know
that you're here.

but the boys don't know
that you're here.

You know what's ingenious
about this

"They have no idea"
is also code for...

- ...they don't have to do
any homework.
- Of course.

- Of course, built in.
- And I...

I realized that right away.

I was like,
"This is kinda sus--

-"Oh."
- That's why.

- So.
- Yeah.

Like.

- We don't have
to do anything.
- Yeah.

When it's not your guest
you're like, "All right",
just show up.

Hello.

Hi, turd buster!

Hi, turd buster!

Fuck you.

Fuck you!

Where are you?
Are you in Boston?

- I'm in--
- Fuck you!

I'm in Boston.

That's my hometown.
Do you see me?

I do. Give me a good
Boston accent.

Yeah, fuck you, motherfucker.

Yeah, that's gonna be
wicked-awesome tonight.

You're gonna fuckin' perform
your ass off,
you motherfucker,

then you'll go get a soda.

But we were talking
after the show the other night

and we were all
singing your praises

and talking about how much
you make us laugh,

- all of us at the table. Yeah.
- Oh, that's nice.

And-- and--

Did Will stop it and go,
"Uh, not so much."

No, the guy who was delivering
the room service did.

He didn't say any--

and he finally piped in
and he goes,

"He's not for me.
He's not for me."

No, we were talking about
how much we love you

and how hilarious you are.
And will was gushing.

And then the boys were--

And I was like thinking like,
"Oh, they have no idea

that you're-- that
we're coming here--" Yeah.

To your hometown,

and that we're gonna embarrass
you in front of your hometown.

Yes, right. Beantown.

- Yeah.
- You ever heard of that?

No. No.

What you're witnessing
here is

the extent of my preparation.

This is basically
highlighting stuff off of
their Wikipedia page.

- But is this the second show?
- Yeah.

So, uh, uh... yeah.

- Half an hour.
- I just come out.
I got nothin'.

You get nothing. Nothing.

I'll just play with
the energy of a crowd

that's really wet and cold.

We're gonna--
We're gonna--

You're gonna have
to save this sinking ship
when you come out.

Put it that way.

Okay, 'cause we're
gonna lose 'em instantly.

Bateman is
an audience repellant.

- Yes! That's what I've heard.
- You know.

All right. I'm gonna go
smoke a cigarette.

Gonna have a ciggy?

'Ello, 'ello, a little ciggy?

I-- Here's my one--

♪ That's the one, "posh" ♪

♪ Traveling nights
And traveling nice for me ♪

♪ First stabbin'
Captain's quarters ♪

♪ Real company, hey! ♪

♪ Fall out
Start 'er down ♪

♪ Posh, with a capital "P"
O-S-H ♪

♪ "Posh" ♪

That's killer.
That's my opener.

You know, it's good. Just with
regards to your characters,

maybe just
a few less characters

- when you come on.
-"Less."

Okay.

I'm just gonna get in this.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Don't-- And by the way,

and don't take it
the wrong way.

- All right...
- Hey. Let's kill it out there.

Kill it.

Fuck you.

Should we turn on
the house lights?

- I wanna see like
all these people.
- Yeah, just for a second.

Wow! Boston!

What?

Hi, everybody!

Thank you for coming. Wow.

Last night, Will made us
all cry so hard

because we were eating sushi

- and he--
- Oh, yeah.

- And I kept saying--
- It's so dumb.

- It's so dumb.
- It's the greatest
dad joke ever.

And I kept saying
I didn't have time
to make dinner tonight

so I ordered Japanese.

Sashimi.

Not a great delivery.

Sashimi.

I imagine there our guest
is gonna try to work it in

because our guest really
likes to work in bits

and that sometimes the bits
get pretty sweaty.

Is this person
specific to Boston?

This person is from Boston.

Is it like a sports person?

- Is it a--
- Yeah, I know you're holding
you don't like sports.

But, recently, you've started
to enjoy football.

Oh, my God, I love football.

- There we go.
- Yeah.

I watch it and
I'm like blown away

by the science of
the guy throwing the ball

and timing it
and the guy catching it.

It's like who can do that?

What do you mean,
"Who can do that?"

- Lots of people can do that.
- I know, but--

Do you know-- Hang on.
Check this out.

Do you know the really
famous quarterback
that played for the Patriots?

Okay, well,
now you're making me look--

No, no, no. Watch this.
Watch this. No clue.

- Wait a minute. Uh...
- Oh, boy.

- Give me the first--
- First name, Tom.

- Brady!
- Hoo.

Oh, wow!

Is that our guest?

Our guest is not Tom Brady.

Our guest is like
the opposite of Tom Brady.

This person is a clown.

A clown?

This person has lived
in many cities after Boston.

This person lived
in Chicago.

Worked in California.

- Wrote on The Simpsons--
- Conan?

Wrote on
Saturday Night Live...

- No way!
- ...Mr. Conan O'Brien!

What kind of show business
are you running

where you tell a Boston crowd

it may be Tom Brady?

And I'm backstage,

and my dick goes up
inside my body.

Even further?

Further!

Further than it already was!

I'm backstage like, "What?"
And the crowd's like, "Yes!"

The greatest Boston Sports
hero of all time, you guys.

He's like, "No.

Not him.

Kind of the opposite."

You know,
I would like to know,

as we spoke during the last
two years during the pandemic,

you chose to do something
a little different
with your hair

and now you're going back
to the original...

- That's a great place
to start.
- No, it goes back and forth.

No, no. I don't know
what it looks like

because it is
raining ice outside.

Yeah.

And, uh, this podcast
doesn't spend a lot of dough.

Wow.

We got you an umbrella,
didn't we?

No, no, no. You sent me
half an umbrella.

Jason, your resting stance

is to have your hand
on your dick.

- No! It's cold outside.
- I swear to God,

it's looking at me.
If I was on the subway,

and you were sitting
opposite me and doing that,

I would call the police.

He's like this.

"Hey, what's going on
with your hair?

What's with your hair, buddy?"

How do you-- why did you
put up with that?

I don't mind that.

There we go.

The first thing
I wanna get to,

and this is a bit of
a touchy subject,

your Christmas party,
you didn't invite Bateman.

Oh, yeah, let's get into this.

So Jimmy and I were there
at your party

and then we went over
to our other friend's after,

and Bateman's like,
"Why are you guys so late?"

And I said,
"Oh, we were at Conan's."

"Oh, you were at
Conan's Christmas party?

And, what, my phone number
doesn't work?"

Yeah. Everybody at
this other party

was either
fresh from your party

or set to
leave for your party.

- Everybody.
- I can explain to you

- in one quick gesture.
- There were 400 people.

Yeah. There's one--

This is all so real.

There is a very simple reason
why you have not been invited
to my Christmas party

and why you will never
be invited
to my Christmas party.

And that's that you came
to my house one time--

- No.
- And you sat down--
Yes, you did.

And you planted yourself
in the corner...

...hand on cock.

Wait.
I wanna ask you something,

because you've been
so successful at being

one of the funniest,
if not, they funniest host
of all time.

And I think-- and, um...

- No, no, no.
- Yeah.

Even the best audio editor
in the world

can't fix that gap...

...between what Sean said

and an entire Wang Center
filled with Bostonians going,

"Mmm... yeah..."

What is it about hosting
and interviewing people?

Have you ever gotten tired of
just like, ay, ay, ay,

- the forum of-- Yeah.
- Interviewing.

I find this to be, uh,
really fun.

When I leave a stage
like this,

I'll think this tonight
the first thing I leave,

A, I'll think,
"I was not paid."

Uh, but I will-- I--

The thing I will think about
when I leave is

"This is not a job."

You know,
you find three people,

any one of whom I'd be
delighted to hang out with

and screw around with.

- This is how we--
- But only invite two
to a party.

Well...

Hand off cock, and maybe...

the invitations start to flow. Um...

But was there ever a point
where it did feel laborious

- and you're like-- Yeah.
- Yes.

Um...

a little bit right there. Uh...

So, what do you say
the ratio is

between guests that
stick to the questions,

because of their
comfort level or lack of
conversation skills--

'Cause for-- for Tracey, um,

when-- when, um--

Yeah, let's hear it
for Tracey.

We are,
just as a quick sideline,

we are going to see Tracey
soon, aren't we?

- Yeah, we're gonna see Tracey
next week.
- We're really excited

- we're gonna see Tracey.
- And for those who don't know,

Tracey is Sean's sister

who doesn't know
a lot about the business,

and so we always have
to do an aside--

Oh, wait, well,
now we're doing for people

- who don't know who Tracey...
- Yeah. Exact.

This got so fucking meta, man.

- So, um...
- Wow. So, anyway.

So, there, so you--
you usually, um,

you don't predetermine
how the interview's gonna go--

Can I ask a question?
You guys, famously,

and it's a brilliant idea
and I'm a big fan of the show,

uh, two of you never know
who the guest is

so you're not prepared...

- Correct.
- ...have you ever been
talking to someone

and you just didn't
even know who they were?

Yes.

Who?

Well, I don't wanna say.

That's hilarious.

Grandma doesn't really
know a lot.

Well, we're on Zoom
when we do it, as you know,

and so there's been like
a couple times
in the last two years

- that I didn't know
who the person was--
- How many times?

Maybe like ten.

And the--

And so the person will show up

on-- you know,
and they'll be like,

Jason or Will will be like,
"And it's..." so-and-so!

I'm like, "Oh, my gosh!"

And I'd google immediately.

And you could hear the typing.

That was fun guys.
That's a great crowd, too.

I wish they came,
but this weather...

You're so sweet
to come all the way.

He walked, too.

That was so good.

- That was so good.
- Yeah, that was great.

This is only
our second show.

We gotta do another one.

- Who's next?
- I can't tell you.

- Oh, you can't. Oh, right!
- I don't know.

My message to you guys,

"If it's not broke,
don't fix it."

Wait, wait.
Get a pen, you guys.
Somebody write that down.

Are you for fucking real?

- That's your fucking advice?
- Hit him. Hit him.

Hey, thanks, Ted Lasso.

How's your focus point?

Your focus point skills?

How long are you
gonna keep doing your podcast?

'Cause it might be nice
if I came over

and we partnered on that one.

- And then...
- You kind of let this go.

- But then, you--
- No, no. That way, we could--

I don't have to split that
three ways.

We could just split this
two ways.

I see.

Do you wanna think--
Don't answer now.

Let's get the next guest
in here. Thanks, man.

Um... we--

That's show business!

Don't you get it?

That's comin' down
in about an hour.

- Oh, yeah.
- As soon as we go up. Oh.

They're like, "Let's
scrub this place of any..."

"Any of those guys."

Now,
with a nine o'clock audience,

do you think these people
are half in the bag?

Oh, yeah.
I didn't think about that.

Wow.

Well...

Look at you guys!

Wow.

So nice of you guys.

I mean, it's late

Everybody's half drunk, right?

You guys--

They had to get to dinner
and get a couple of pops.

Yeah. Nothing spreads Covid
like alcohol and non-space.

- Yeah.
- Use your mask!
Don't take a chance!

Come on, man.

Um...

All right, so, I wanted to
tap into the brain power
of this city.

Okay?

- We got a big brain
comin' out.
- Uh-oh.

This fella has a master's
and a PhD from Berkeley.

Do you-- you have an issue
with this?

No, just, we got a lot of
milling around going on there.

I just wanna-- I mean--

Um, fellas,
he's a Fellow at Princeton.

He has tenure at Penn.

He arrived here at MIT in 2004

where he still works today.

He does it all
from physics to cosmology

to quantum stuff in computers.

He's gonna explain
what it is--

Will Ferrell.

Please welcome
a guy who can definitely
make us all more smart,

not less smart--

Smartless, you get it?

Max Tegmark!

What?

- Max!
- Hey!

- Max Tegmark!
- How are you, man?

- Such a pleasure.
- Nice to meet you, sir.

- Come on!
- The pleasure is all mine.

This is so exciting.

Now, can you do a better job
than I just did

of explaining what it is
that you do?

What is-- first of all, how
do you introduce yourself--

call yourself what you do?

Well, it depends on
what I want.

Like, if I'm on a long flight

and I just wanna be
left alone...

- Pedophile. Oh.
- Physics.

- Right.
- Then five hours of silence.

- But you are a-- Yeah?
- Whereas, if I wanna talk,

I'd be, "Oh, astronomy."

And they'll be like,
"Oh! I'm a Virgo."

- Oh. Nice.
- Right.

Or maybe
if I say cosmology,

they'll get talking
about eyeliner

- and makeup and--
- Are you really
all those things?

In a quantum superposition,

nah, I'm really just
a very curious guy

who's very curious about
big questions.

So I've spent
much of my career

thinking about
these big questions

about our universe,
kind of, out there.

And in the last five years,

my TV show, Scoop,
has shifted entirely

on the universe in here.

- In here?
- What's intelligence, really?

- I have nothing--
- Don't look in there.

I'm dark matter.

You started at the wrong spot.
You know what I mean?

So in the class that you--
You don't-- Do you teach?

Oh, yeah, I'm glad to be.

So you teach a class in...

Audio!

Oh, maybe there's some
students I tortured here.

You cannot hear him?

No!

How about now?

No?

How about this?
Watch this.

- Look at this.
- See?

There's intelligence.
I told you

Don't you mount him.

So what else is going on?

How about now?

One, two...

You guys, fuck it.
Brady, right?

I mean, that's nuts.

Yeah.

- And, uh...
- That's where it was.

- So this is exactly...
- I've got tears in my eyes,
for sure.

...because, you know,
you have all
these people saying,

"Oh, let's just build
more technology.

It's always gonna work.
Trust us." You know.

And then, uh...

- How about now?
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

All right. So the class
you teach is...

The most of my time I spend
actually doing research

on artificial intelligence.

- Okay. Okay, good.
- Okay.

By the way,
when somebody says "AI,"

all I picture are
those mechanical dogs
that walk around.

And they don't really--
they don't really do anything.

It's just like, "Oh, look,
we invented a robot dog

and it doesn't really
do anything."

So, I wanna...

I wanna know, like,
what's the next thing

- that we can use it like--
- Is it mechanical cats?

The truth is,
despite through all the hype,

is that artificial
intelligence is
still mostly pretty dumb.

Well, shouldn't we
keep it dumb?

'Cause if we let it
get too smart, etcetera--

Yeah, because remember
that thing about Facebook

where they started doing
like AI technology

and they started
talking to each other

and they shut it down?
Is that true?

- 'Cause they were gossiping.
- Yeah.

It's true, but people
often ask me, you know,

if we should fear AI
or be excited about it.

The answer in obviously both.

Right? AI is
like any technology.

It's not evil or good.

If I ask you, like,
"What about fire?

How do you feel?
Are you for it or against it?"

Like, what are you gonna say?

Right, it can hurt
if you use it incorrectly.

Exactly. And the same thing
with all tech--

The only difference is...

that AI is gonna be the most
powerful technology ever.

I mean, look, why is it
that we humans here

are the most powerful
species on this planet?

Fuckin' eh.

Is it because we have
some bigger biceps?

Sharper teeth
than the tigers?

No. It's 'cause
we're smarter, right?

So, obviously,
if we make machines that
are way smarter than us,

then it's either gonna be
the best thing ever,

- or the worst thing ever.
- Yeah.

- So-- so-- so--
- My question is--

- Go ahead, Will.
- When it's
the worst thing ever,

by the time it becomes
the worst thing ever,

then we're fucked.

You look like the most
nervous out of the three--

I'm very nervous.

Is that-- you know, you have
this ever-smarter thing--

I'm very nervous about AI.
Thank you.

And, uh, you don't know
how it works.

And, uh, that means should
you really, really trust it?

- Right.
- There are three things
you're gonna need.

The first, you're gonna need
the AI to understand
our human goals

and then get it to actually
adopt to goals

and then to actually
keep those goals

as it gets smarter.

And if you think about it
for a little longer,

each of these
are like really hard.

Suppose you tell
your future self

driving a car to take you
to Logan Airport

as fast as possible,

and then you get there
covered in vomit,

then chased by helicopters,

you're gonna be like,
"No, no, no.
That's not what I meant."

And the car goes like...

That's exactly
what you asked for.

See?
They do talk like that.

Literally.

You know, Hollywood,

it makes us associate the AI
so much with robots.

But the biggest impact
right now

AI's having is actually
not robots at all.

It's just software, right?

Like, most of AI in the US is
used by social media companies

to manipulate you guys

to watch as many ads
as possible, right?

Uh, but figuring out
the truth is like really hard.

Even the best scientists.

Like, Isaac Newton
was a pretty smart guy, right?

Turned out he was wrong
about gravity.

And we all believed it.

And then Einstein came along
and said, "Nope,"

- Fuck you.
- ...you know.

So we were doing this thing
where we use machine learning

to read thousands and
thousand of articles every day

and extract out
all the actual predictions.

And then
we keep track of 'em

and see which ones actually
turned out to be true

later when
it was uncontroversial.

This is the same idea we use
in the science literature.

You can't just make stuff up.

You have to show them the data
so they can check it.

Sean, your best robot voice.
Go. Quick.

Do you want to play
a game of War?

Do you want to play
a game?

That's it!

How was it?
How was that?

Different.

- No.
- Did you watch from the sides?

I watched from the sides.

- How'd it seem?
- Different.
He's not a comedian.

I just wanted to get
an academic

- while we were in
this incredible city.
- Yeah.

And the audience,

you know,
I can hear them talking
all the way through it.

Not-- The second show, yes.

- Yeah.
- But why are they mic'd?

They're not.
It's just the acoustics.

- Oh, really?
- But, Jay, I said to Will
when we were walking away,

uh, not to beat
a dead horse,

but that kind of audience
after fucking O'Brien

second show on a Saturday,

it's always the trickiest.

He should have been
the earlier guest.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Listen, there were
some great moments in there,

asking real questions
that were fucking great

and interesting,
and us fucking around,

and like, literally,
and then Sean going,

"Are we going to Mars?
Yes or no."

Yes-or-no answer.

And his answer was yes.

Yeah, I wonder
what the Brooklyn audiences
are gonna be like.

Yeah.

Basically,
there's something wrong
with our plane.

Ah, man.