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I'll be honest with you.
4
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:41,321
I'm a fantastic liar.
5
00:00:42,683 --> 00:00:45,045
But I'm trying
something new here.
6
00:00:45,926 --> 00:00:48,288
I'm gonna try to tell the truth.
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00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:30,010
There's only one road
into Mount Hiei.
8
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,974
Outsiders are rarely allowed in.
9
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:37,337
And it's taken me two years
to get permission to visit.
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00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,462
I'm here to meet a monk
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00:01:42,582 --> 00:01:44,785
who's part of
a secretive Buddhist sect.
12
00:01:46,146 --> 00:01:48,388
But as I climb up this mountain,
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00:01:48,949 --> 00:01:50,350
I can't stop thinking
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00:01:50,470 --> 00:01:52,592
about the mess
I've left back home.
15
00:02:05,085 --> 00:02:06,807
I'm not the type of person
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00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:09,049
you'd expect to go
to a Japanese monastery.
17
00:02:09,209 --> 00:02:10,370
I'm not a Buddhist.
18
00:02:10,490 --> 00:02:12,292
And I don't even meditate.
19
00:02:12,612 --> 00:02:14,254
But I've been living
a double life
20
00:02:14,374 --> 00:02:17,217
and I thought by coming here,
I'd find a way out.
21
00:02:21,181 --> 00:02:24,825
I had no idea how complicated
things were about to get.
22
00:02:35,675 --> 00:02:37,637
This is Kamahori.
23
00:02:38,318 --> 00:02:40,000
The reason I'm here.
24
00:02:41,922 --> 00:02:44,004
He's been chosen
for the Kaihogyo.
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00:02:44,204 --> 00:02:47,247
One of the most dangerous
rituals in Buddhism.
26
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,851
He must walk a marathon
nearly every night
27
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,292
for 7 years.
28
00:02:53,013 --> 00:02:54,774
If he fails for any reason,
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00:02:55,095 --> 00:02:57,017
he's vowed to commit suicide.
30
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,339
But if he survives,
31
00:02:59,539 --> 00:03:01,301
he'll become a living Buddha.
32
00:03:03,463 --> 00:03:07,067
Kamahori has dedicated his life
to pursuing enlightenment.
33
00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:09,509
The highest form of truth.
34
00:03:09,950 --> 00:03:11,551
And that's why I've come here.
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00:03:11,671 --> 00:03:13,193
To speak with him.
36
00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:15,916
But there's a problem.
37
00:03:17,677 --> 00:03:20,560
Kamahori has taken
a vow of silence.
38
00:03:22,482 --> 00:03:25,886
So, we just sit like this.
39
00:03:48,548 --> 00:03:51,591
Kamahori comes
from a long line of Tendai monks
40
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:55,035
who have lived on this mountain
for 1,200 years.
41
00:03:56,196 --> 00:03:58,278
All Buddhist monks
seek alignment.
42
00:03:58,879 --> 00:04:00,480
But these monks are different.
43
00:04:01,281 --> 00:04:03,443
They believe
it can only be attained
44
00:04:03,563 --> 00:04:06,326
through acts of extreme
physical endurance.
45
00:04:08,208 --> 00:04:10,450
The monks claim they walk
all night,
46
00:04:10,570 --> 00:04:12,532
and can go months without sleep.
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00:04:14,494 --> 00:04:16,856
Much of Tendai's teachings
are secret.
48
00:04:17,297 --> 00:04:20,140
And most rules
have not been written down.
49
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,463
It's only on this mountain
that knowledge is passed directly
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00:04:23,583 --> 00:04:25,385
between teacher and student.
51
00:04:31,551 --> 00:04:34,074
Since Kamahori won't talk
to anyone,
52
00:04:34,714 --> 00:04:37,637
I meet with a monk known
as a saintly master
53
00:04:37,757 --> 00:04:39,239
of the severe practice.
54
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:50,810
I've been secluded
on this mountain for twelve years.
55
00:04:52,412 --> 00:04:55,295
Even if my parents die,
I can't leave.
56
00:04:57,417 --> 00:05:01,461
After I entered the monastery
57
00:05:03,783 --> 00:05:11,191
I sometimes asked myself,
"Why did I come here?"
58
00:05:17,077 --> 00:05:21,241
During the Kaihogyo
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00:05:22,442 --> 00:05:26,646
we embark on a pilgrimage
60
00:05:28,168 --> 00:05:31,091
where we push ourselves to our limits.
61
00:05:36,056 --> 00:05:39,739
It's not an ascetic practice of walking.
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00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:43,463
We walk in order to visit
places of worship.
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00:05:50,030 --> 00:05:54,314
It takes seven or eight years
to complete.
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00:05:56,076 --> 00:06:00,800
If you translate the distance
into kilometers
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00:06:01,121 --> 00:06:04,244
it's the same
as the circumference of the earth.
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00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:11,331
Giving up before finishing means
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00:06:12,332 --> 00:06:15,095
that you have to commit suicide.
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00:06:16,736 --> 00:06:18,778
It's strange to say this but...
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00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:22,702
you can achieve anything
you are willing to die for.
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00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:27,907
The path to enlightenment
seems like a lot of work.
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00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:30,430
So I ask him
if he has any advice
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00:06:30,550 --> 00:06:33,073
for ordinary people like me.
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00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:50,850
You are asking how we feel
about ordinary people?
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00:06:57,337 --> 00:06:58,818
People are...
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00:07:01,261 --> 00:07:05,505
controlled by their desires.
76
00:07:06,466 --> 00:07:08,548
We reject those desires completely.
77
00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:13,313
My master once said
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00:07:13,673 --> 00:07:19,799
"Do something difficult
rather than something easy."
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00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:26,166
You must be able to tolerate
undesirable situations.
80
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:31,451
If you're running away,
you haven't overcome weakness.
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00:07:34,174 --> 00:07:36,976
Letting go of my desires
feels impossible.
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00:07:37,737 --> 00:07:39,419
I decide to take a chance
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00:07:39,579 --> 00:07:41,901
and talk about what's
really on my mind.
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00:07:42,222 --> 00:07:44,824
I ask him if he's ever
been in love.
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00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:53,673
I don't understand
why you are asking me that question.
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00:07:54,834 --> 00:07:56,996
I don't understand the intention.
87
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,843
I asked this monk
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00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:06,005
if he's ever felt loss
in his life.
89
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:13,373
I don't want to talk
about personal feelings.
90
00:08:14,854 --> 00:08:18,858
I want to know
if he ever has any regrets.
91
00:08:23,783 --> 00:08:26,025
I don't...
92
00:08:29,269 --> 00:08:31,431
quite understand the question.
93
00:08:36,436 --> 00:08:40,200
If we keep everything in the open
94
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:45,925
people filming
may misinterpret the information.
95
00:08:47,247 --> 00:08:51,050
That's why we don't show everything.
96
00:08:51,491 --> 00:08:54,934
Some aspects are kept secret
97
00:08:56,456 --> 00:08:59,179
because if you're not ready to see
98
00:09:00,260 --> 00:09:02,742
you won't understand the meaning.
99
00:09:15,235 --> 00:09:17,517
I thought that
by talking to the monks,
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00:09:17,637 --> 00:09:19,519
I could learn from their wisdom.
101
00:09:21,721 --> 00:09:24,003
But I need to find
a different approach.
102
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:31,010
I'm gonna immerse myself
in Kamahori's practice
103
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,614
and follow him
on his nightly walks.
104
00:09:35,455 --> 00:09:38,017
If enlightenment
is achieved through walking,
105
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,581
maybe this
is the best way to learn.
106
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:54,514
I've been circling this mountain
for over a month.
107
00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:57,677
And even though I walk
almost every night,
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00:11:58,037 --> 00:11:59,599
I've never seen Kamahori eat
109
00:12:00,319 --> 00:12:02,362
drink, or take a break.
110
00:12:04,043 --> 00:12:07,006
I only followed him
for a fraction of the distance,
111
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,409
and yet I'm the one
who's exhausted.
112
00:12:12,972 --> 00:12:15,375
And no matter how much time
we spend together,
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00:12:15,495 --> 00:12:17,136
he never acknowledges me.
114
00:12:19,659 --> 00:12:21,701
With no one to talk to,
I think about
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00:12:21,821 --> 00:12:24,824
why I've spent my life
running away from religion,
116
00:12:25,104 --> 00:12:26,706
and how I ended up here.
117
00:12:29,829 --> 00:12:31,350
The longer he's silent,
118
00:12:31,511 --> 00:12:33,753
the more desperate I am
to talk to him.
119
00:12:37,076 --> 00:12:40,560
I search for clues as to what
he's thinking or feeling.
120
00:12:41,601 --> 00:12:43,042
Though most of the time,
121
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,445
I'm just staring
at the back of his head.
122
00:12:55,815 --> 00:12:58,738
I was starting to feel
like this was going nowhere.
123
00:12:59,459 --> 00:13:00,820
When I get some news.
124
00:13:04,624 --> 00:13:06,786
I'm invited to witness
the sacred ritual
125
00:13:06,906 --> 00:13:08,548
called Gotai Tochi.
126
00:13:09,909 --> 00:13:12,231
Every monk aspiring
to be like Kamahori
127
00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:14,153
must pass this test.
128
00:13:15,435 --> 00:13:18,157
The monks have never
allowed outsiders into this room.
129
00:13:18,277 --> 00:13:20,760
And I can tell my presence
makes them nervous.
130
00:13:22,842 --> 00:13:25,845
In honor of our founder
131
00:13:26,165 --> 00:13:31,130
a monk must cleanse his soul.
132
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,214
It's like a test.
133
00:13:36,696 --> 00:13:41,260
We place elbows, knees and forehead
134
00:13:41,581 --> 00:13:44,343
on the floor to show utmost respect.
135
00:13:46,065 --> 00:13:49,308
You must continue
until you see Buddha
136
00:13:49,709 --> 00:13:52,552
or until you're dead.
137
00:13:52,912 --> 00:13:55,194
These are the only two options.
138
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,913
Being in this room
feels oddly familiar.
139
00:14:34,914 --> 00:14:37,076
I used to pray like this
when I was a kid.
140
00:14:37,236 --> 00:14:40,079
Five times a day until I felt
like I was in a trance.
141
00:14:43,603 --> 00:14:46,485
My mom told me that
if I missed even a single prayer,
142
00:14:46,766 --> 00:14:48,207
I'd end up in hell.
143
00:14:49,729 --> 00:14:51,531
So I prayed as much as I could.
144
00:14:52,131 --> 00:14:54,774
I pressed my head
into the ground until it hurt.
145
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,537
I wanted to bruise my forehead
146
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,899
to prove to her
that I was devoted.
147
00:15:03,623 --> 00:15:05,545
As I'm thinking about home,
148
00:15:06,425 --> 00:15:07,587
something happens.
149
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,169
- Now he's saying, don't film him.
- Ah, okay.
150
00:15:39,779 --> 00:15:42,141
We're escorted
out of the monastery.
151
00:15:44,984 --> 00:15:48,027
I try to apologize,
but the monks are furious.
152
00:15:52,632 --> 00:15:55,074
Can I have your camera?
I don't know.
153
00:15:55,234 --> 00:15:56,956
I hope we have everything.
154
00:16:00,439 --> 00:16:02,802
I could've sworn
my phone was on vibrate.
155
00:16:06,205 --> 00:16:08,968
I feel like the monks were
just starting to trust me.
156
00:16:09,448 --> 00:16:11,811
Now, they must think
I'm a complete idiot.
157
00:16:18,738 --> 00:16:20,299
When I get to the hotel,
158
00:16:21,020 --> 00:16:22,301
I call my mom back.
159
00:16:26,906 --> 00:16:29,348
Why is it so dark in our picture?
160
00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:33,993
- Peace be upon you.
- How are you?
161
00:16:34,273 --> 00:16:35,995
I'm fine, praise be to God.
162
00:16:38,037 --> 00:16:39,478
Smile a bit and show us.
163
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,443
Sorry.
It's just been a stressful time.
164
00:16:45,885 --> 00:16:51,050
How will you sort out
the monks' project?
165
00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:54,133
Yes, how will you wind it up?
166
00:16:55,254 --> 00:16:56,776
I haven't...
167
00:16:57,697 --> 00:16:59,018
figured it out.
168
00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:04,303
Well, if they're doing this,
then you have to take it as a refusal.
169
00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:08,988
They are ill-mannered. First the camera...
They could do anything, they are dangerous.
170
00:17:09,148 --> 00:17:12,471
You are endangering yourself
by going there.
171
00:17:12,992 --> 00:17:15,955
How do they live?
Do they live in the mountains?
172
00:17:16,075 --> 00:17:19,759
Daddy made a fantastic suggestion
and I think he is right.
173
00:17:19,959 --> 00:17:21,280
What's Dad's suggestion?
174
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:25,404
It is unproductive labor, effort.
175
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:29,128
You could've completed
many other things during this time.
176
00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:32,371
Now leave this behind,
just complete it, that's all.
177
00:17:33,292 --> 00:17:35,895
Okay, God willing, it'll be fine,
don't worry.
178
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,097
Trim your mustache a little?
179
00:17:39,018 --> 00:17:42,661
- Mom, I've hat it for ten years!
- Really?
180
00:17:42,942 --> 00:17:45,024
No, no, please trim it.
181
00:17:46,305 --> 00:17:49,949
Dad has a lot of theories
about what makes labor productive.
182
00:17:50,549 --> 00:17:52,912
And none of them involve
making this film.
183
00:17:54,794 --> 00:17:57,276
These days, we can't seem
to agree on anything.
184
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,198
But it wasn't always like that.
185
00:18:00,319 --> 00:18:02,081
It's hard to imagine
that as a kid,
186
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:04,924
I wanted to be just like him.
187
00:18:07,566 --> 00:18:09,208
Growing up in Saudi Arabia,
188
00:18:09,408 --> 00:18:11,170
my dream was to grow a beard
189
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:12,812
longer than my grandfather's
190
00:18:12,932 --> 00:18:16,055
and to become the greatest
religious prophet in the world.
191
00:18:16,976 --> 00:18:19,018
I idolized the Imams on TV.
192
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,341
Back then, my world was small.
193
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,466
This was my neighborhood.
194
00:18:28,748 --> 00:18:30,109
This was the countryside.
195
00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:33,632
This is where
we went to the beach.
196
00:18:37,837 --> 00:18:39,839
And this is how everyone prayed.
197
00:18:42,201 --> 00:18:44,523
On my 10th birthday,
my dad told me that
198
00:18:44,643 --> 00:18:46,766
God was throwing
a huge fireworks display
199
00:18:46,886 --> 00:18:48,007
in my honor.
200
00:18:56,055 --> 00:18:58,978
But the truth was,
the Gulf War had started.
201
00:19:00,179 --> 00:19:01,941
Afraid the violence would spread,
202
00:19:02,061 --> 00:19:04,223
my parents moved us
to the other side of the world.
203
00:19:14,593 --> 00:19:17,076
We ended up in a place
I'd never heard of.
204
00:19:17,276 --> 00:19:20,239
A small Irish town called Cavan.
205
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,762
Everything was different,
and I loved it.
206
00:19:25,124 --> 00:19:26,846
This was my new neighborhood.
207
00:19:27,486 --> 00:19:29,128
This was the countryside.
208
00:19:29,608 --> 00:19:31,971
This was
what the beach was like.
209
00:19:32,091 --> 00:19:33,933
And this is how everyone prayed.
210
00:19:34,053 --> 00:19:36,095
Bring us to everlasting life.
211
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:38,777
Then puberty hit.
212
00:19:40,019 --> 00:19:41,300
And I changed.
213
00:19:42,421 --> 00:19:43,823
My parents changed too.
214
00:19:43,943 --> 00:19:45,264
They became scared.
215
00:19:47,226 --> 00:19:49,308
Scared that I would
stray away from Islam,
216
00:19:49,428 --> 00:19:51,230
and lose my Muslim identity.
217
00:19:52,351 --> 00:19:56,075
So they enforced a religious rule
for every aspect of life.
218
00:19:56,675 --> 00:19:58,958
And I was told
that breaking the rules
219
00:19:59,078 --> 00:20:00,239
meant going to hell.
220
00:20:01,841 --> 00:20:04,523
Food could only be touched
with my right hand.
221
00:20:05,284 --> 00:20:08,607
The bathroom,
only entered with my left foot.
222
00:20:09,688 --> 00:20:10,809
Toe.
223
00:20:10,930 --> 00:20:11,930
Toe.
224
00:20:11,971 --> 00:20:13,933
You've got the wrong foot
coming forward.
225
00:20:15,454 --> 00:20:17,977
Even drinking water
became complicated.
226
00:20:18,297 --> 00:20:20,019
I had to sit, pray,
227
00:20:20,139 --> 00:20:21,861
and take at least 3 sips.
228
00:20:22,741 --> 00:20:24,944
Otherwise,
it was considered a sin.
229
00:20:27,146 --> 00:20:30,309
My home had turned into a prison
that I couldn't escape.
230
00:20:37,676 --> 00:20:39,478
That's when I started lying.
231
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,601
At first, it was small things.
232
00:20:43,202 --> 00:20:45,764
Yes, mom.
I'm eating with my right hand.
233
00:20:46,525 --> 00:20:50,129
Of course. I walked into the bathroom
with my left foot.
234
00:20:50,769 --> 00:20:53,732
Yep. I took
three gulps of water.
235
00:21:01,540 --> 00:21:04,383
After graduating college,
I ran away to America.
236
00:21:05,704 --> 00:21:08,267
I'd tell my parents
what they wanted to hear.
237
00:21:08,747 --> 00:21:10,709
That I was a good Muslim boy.
238
00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:13,112
The lies grew with time.
239
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:16,916
But now, I have a lie so big,
240
00:21:17,236 --> 00:21:19,438
that even I'm intimidated by it.
241
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,522
I've been hiding
the woman I love,
242
00:21:23,642 --> 00:21:25,044
for 6 years,
243
00:21:25,724 --> 00:21:27,886
who I recently became
engaged to.
244
00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:29,688
Dawn.
245
00:21:43,662 --> 00:21:45,744
This is all really confusing
246
00:21:46,665 --> 00:21:49,668
If I tell my parents the truth,
I'll lose them.
247
00:21:49,949 --> 00:21:52,831
But if I do nothing,
I could lose Dawn.
248
00:21:53,472 --> 00:21:55,434
And without a solution,
249
00:21:55,674 --> 00:21:57,676
I just can't face
going back home.
250
00:21:59,678 --> 00:22:01,400
I need to return
to the mountain.
251
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,647
As crazy as it sounds,
252
00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:12,211
I still believe Kamahori
can help me with all this.
253
00:22:20,379 --> 00:22:23,062
Some parts of the monastery
are open to the public.
254
00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:25,184
So I do the only thing
I can think of.
255
00:22:26,425 --> 00:22:27,746
I become a tourist.
256
00:22:37,796 --> 00:22:41,680
Why submit to such a
strict religious practice?
257
00:22:42,281 --> 00:22:44,483
Because you can become
a better person.
258
00:22:46,645 --> 00:22:50,009
Someone who is free
from greed and desire.
259
00:22:50,329 --> 00:22:52,171
And can live a life of peace.
260
00:22:53,772 --> 00:22:56,975
I'm not sure what I was
hoping to find by coming here.
261
00:23:02,261 --> 00:23:04,423
Before leaving, I stopped by the gift shop
262
00:23:04,543 --> 00:23:05,864
to get Dawn a postcard.
263
00:23:07,706 --> 00:23:11,430
And I'm glad I did
because that's how I met Ryushin.
264
00:23:15,514 --> 00:23:18,077
I'm in charge of calligraphy writing.
265
00:23:18,677 --> 00:23:23,402
Personally, I like
to move around and be outside.
266
00:23:23,642 --> 00:23:26,445
But I have to stay here for work.
267
00:23:28,047 --> 00:23:33,412
Sometimes, I don't have time
to use the restroom or eat my meals.
268
00:23:34,693 --> 00:23:36,415
At first, I'm very focused.
269
00:23:37,176 --> 00:23:39,017
But after making over 100 copies
270
00:23:39,218 --> 00:23:42,261
I start to zone out.
I start to become dizzy.
271
00:23:44,783 --> 00:23:46,745
I'm trying to feel this is fun.
272
00:23:49,348 --> 00:23:51,550
I don't want to say I like this work.
273
00:23:52,271 --> 00:23:55,154
But this is given by,
you know...
274
00:23:55,674 --> 00:23:58,036
the main temple.
It's my job, so...
275
00:23:58,477 --> 00:24:00,679
I'm trying to think
this is my job.
276
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:03,642
So, I don't want to say
I don't like this, but...
277
00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:06,725
actually I don't like this.
It is boring.
278
00:24:07,246 --> 00:24:09,368
Is there something else
you want to do?
279
00:24:09,568 --> 00:24:10,969
Yeah, many things.
280
00:24:11,210 --> 00:24:14,173
I wanna go out,
I wanna see many people.
281
00:24:14,293 --> 00:24:17,656
But I feel
like I'm living in a cage.
282
00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:25,184
Ryushin tells me there's
about 100 monks on the mountain.
283
00:24:25,504 --> 00:24:27,546
And that he's the lowest ranked.
284
00:24:27,906 --> 00:24:29,868
He doesn't seem like
the kind of monk
285
00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:31,670
who can offer spiritual guidance
286
00:24:31,790 --> 00:24:33,392
or help solve my problems.
287
00:24:34,353 --> 00:24:35,354
But right now,
288
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,996
he's my only chance
to get to the monastery.
289
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:41,320
So, I ask him
if I can follow him
290
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:42,921
for the next few days.
291
00:24:55,214 --> 00:24:57,856
Ryushin explains to me
that he has no influence
292
00:24:57,976 --> 00:25:00,579
and can't get me back
into the monastery.
293
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,382
Even though his father
and grandfather
294
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:04,743
are also monks,
295
00:25:05,264 --> 00:25:07,146
he says he feels
like an outsider.
296
00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:11,310
He is the only monk
who will talk to me, and I sense that
297
00:25:11,430 --> 00:25:14,032
I'm the only person
who will listen to him.
298
00:25:14,433 --> 00:25:16,795
If the monastery finds out
that we're together,
299
00:25:17,636 --> 00:25:19,518
Ryushin could be in trouble.
300
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,761
But he's eager
to tell me his story, so...
301
00:25:23,001 --> 00:25:25,003
we continue to meet in secret.
302
00:25:38,497 --> 00:25:40,779
I became a monk 10 years ago.
303
00:25:41,660 --> 00:25:45,544
Before I became a monk
I worked at a security company.
304
00:25:46,385 --> 00:25:49,308
I built up stress from work
305
00:25:50,269 --> 00:25:52,311
and had a breakup with my girlfriend.
306
00:25:53,151 --> 00:25:54,473
I was lost.
307
00:25:56,034 --> 00:25:58,277
I was suffering so much mentally.
308
00:26:00,479 --> 00:26:02,321
I thought about killing myself.
309
00:26:02,761 --> 00:26:05,484
I tried to commit suicide
but couldn't do it.
310
00:26:07,045 --> 00:26:13,091
I tried listening to piano
and relaxation music to cope.
311
00:26:14,092 --> 00:26:16,975
Things like the sound of a river
and birds chirping.
312
00:26:17,616 --> 00:26:19,258
It didn't work for me at all.
313
00:26:26,825 --> 00:26:29,948
Heavy metal
represents my crying heart.
314
00:26:30,869 --> 00:26:33,232
I had never listened
to anything like it.
315
00:26:33,992 --> 00:26:36,595
I don't know how to explain it.
316
00:26:37,115 --> 00:26:42,120
Depression makes you feel down.
317
00:26:42,401 --> 00:26:44,443
But you're accumulating
so much energy.
318
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:47,005
The explosion of that energy
is metal music.
319
00:26:47,846 --> 00:26:49,288
My favorites are Slipknot.
320
00:26:52,571 --> 00:26:53,652
Slayer.
321
00:26:57,456 --> 00:26:58,777
Megadeth.
322
00:27:25,003 --> 00:27:26,485
I'm home.
323
00:27:27,606 --> 00:27:30,369
- They want to film us talking.
- You and me? - Yes.
324
00:27:34,533 --> 00:27:36,455
- Where is he from?
- From the US.
325
00:27:41,740 --> 00:27:44,783
Ryushin lives with his
grandparents by the mountain.
326
00:27:45,344 --> 00:27:49,628
His grandfather has Alzheimer's now,
but was one of the most powerful monks
327
00:27:49,748 --> 00:27:50,748
at the monastery.
328
00:27:51,189 --> 00:27:52,751
Now that he's retired,
329
00:27:52,871 --> 00:27:55,354
Ryushin is the last
remaining monk in the family.
330
00:27:55,514 --> 00:27:58,477
And he's expected to take over
the family temple.
331
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:02,961
Do you want to chant with me?
332
00:28:03,922 --> 00:28:06,565
Why don't you pray with me?
333
00:28:06,885 --> 00:28:08,567
Let's do it together.
334
00:28:08,927 --> 00:28:11,410
- Can you move forward?
- Sit in the front?
335
00:28:12,010 --> 00:28:13,051
Excuse me.
336
00:28:13,211 --> 00:28:14,333
Thank you.
337
00:28:26,224 --> 00:28:29,107
Before I became a monk
asked my grandfather,
338
00:28:29,227 --> 00:28:31,910
"What should I do with my life?"
339
00:28:33,832 --> 00:28:37,876
He said,
"You understand pain and suffering."
340
00:28:40,359 --> 00:28:42,761
"So, go be a monk."
341
00:28:56,775 --> 00:29:00,258
Every Friday in Saudi Arabia,
my dad and I would pray together.
342
00:29:01,540 --> 00:29:04,062
Prayer time was announced
by the local mosques,
343
00:29:04,262 --> 00:29:06,865
and the sound could be heard
all over the city.
344
00:29:08,106 --> 00:29:10,789
But in Ireland,
there were no mosques at all.
345
00:29:11,390 --> 00:29:13,271
So, my mom
bought her own mosque.
346
00:29:14,433 --> 00:29:15,434
Well...
347
00:29:15,674 --> 00:29:19,197
it was a clock designed to go off
at each prayer time.
348
00:29:25,243 --> 00:29:26,725
But the clock was broken
349
00:29:27,045 --> 00:29:29,207
and started going off
all the time.
350
00:29:29,608 --> 00:29:32,130
Sometimes
in the middle of the night.
351
00:29:36,975 --> 00:29:39,177
When my sisters and I protested,
352
00:29:39,618 --> 00:29:42,260
mom explained that God
broke the clock.
353
00:29:43,061 --> 00:29:45,143
That it was all part
of his divine plan
354
00:29:45,263 --> 00:29:47,946
for us to pray at these
random hours.
355
00:29:49,508 --> 00:29:52,310
Once I left home,
I stopped praying.
356
00:29:52,991 --> 00:29:56,074
I would lie and say
that I pray all the time.
357
00:30:00,439 --> 00:30:02,681
Every day I call
the monastery to ask
358
00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:03,962
if I can return.
359
00:30:04,082 --> 00:30:07,285
And each time they tell me,
they're still discussing it.
360
00:30:11,770 --> 00:30:12,971
To pass time,
361
00:30:13,091 --> 00:30:14,973
Ryushin gives me
a tour of Kyoto.
362
00:30:15,654 --> 00:30:17,896
He shows me some of his
favorite spots.
363
00:30:18,136 --> 00:30:21,099
And I learn that we have
a shared religion.
364
00:31:03,221 --> 00:31:06,144
If you could be a desert,
what desert would you be?
365
00:31:07,906 --> 00:31:08,987
Maybe...
366
00:31:15,634 --> 00:31:18,156
I can't remember...
but I like it.
367
00:31:18,797 --> 00:31:19,958
I love it.
368
00:31:24,082 --> 00:31:26,925
- It's creme something...
- Crème brulée.
369
00:31:27,085 --> 00:31:28,527
Yeah! Crème brulée.
370
00:31:28,727 --> 00:31:31,209
- You'd be a crème brulée?
- I want to be like that.
371
00:31:31,329 --> 00:31:33,171
- Why?
- Because I love it.
372
00:31:34,533 --> 00:31:36,575
Don't you think?
It's really good.
373
00:31:37,175 --> 00:31:40,539
And with vanilla ice cream on it
it's beautiful.
374
00:31:42,901 --> 00:31:44,262
Crème buhlay...
375
00:31:44,382 --> 00:31:47,666
We say crème buhlay
Crème brulée.
376
00:31:47,826 --> 00:31:48,827
Buhlay.
377
00:31:57,515 --> 00:32:00,158
A few days later,
the monastery calls.
378
00:32:00,639 --> 00:32:02,400
The monks have made
their decision
379
00:32:02,561 --> 00:32:04,162
and they're inviting me back.
380
00:32:11,770 --> 00:32:13,531
No one mentions
the phone debacle.
381
00:32:13,652 --> 00:32:15,894
But this time,
things feel different.
382
00:32:21,379 --> 00:32:22,540
I'm assigned a minder
383
00:32:22,661 --> 00:32:24,262
who gives me a detailed list
384
00:32:24,382 --> 00:32:26,264
of what I'm allowed to film.
385
00:32:30,548 --> 00:32:32,350
The biggest news is that
Kamahori
386
00:32:32,470 --> 00:32:34,272
is now able to speak to me.
387
00:32:36,595 --> 00:32:39,477
But first, I have to attend a class
388
00:32:39,638 --> 00:32:40,959
on Buddhist manners.
389
00:32:42,761 --> 00:32:44,442
It feels like I'm being tested.
390
00:32:44,562 --> 00:32:50,609
We'll teach you
the Buddhist way of eating.
391
00:32:50,849 --> 00:32:55,573
We'd like to break your bad habits.
392
00:32:55,694 --> 00:32:58,697
Please hold a bowl when you eat.
393
00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:01,139
You don't drink soup like a dog.
394
00:33:01,259 --> 00:33:04,222
Every meal comes with two pickles.
395
00:33:05,103 --> 00:33:11,830
After eating your meal,
you can eat one pickle.
396
00:33:11,950 --> 00:33:14,713
You leave one pickle in the smallest bowl.
397
00:33:14,833 --> 00:33:17,636
You'll be strictly following the rules.
398
00:33:19,197 --> 00:33:21,399
I'd probably eat both pickles
399
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,481
because I have no self control.
400
00:33:24,763 --> 00:33:26,925
The question I keep
thinking about is
401
00:33:27,045 --> 00:33:29,207
do I have to make
all the sacrifices
402
00:33:29,728 --> 00:33:31,049
to be a good Muslim.
403
00:33:34,092 --> 00:33:36,494
The next ritual I'm told to film
shows how far
404
00:33:36,655 --> 00:33:39,297
some of the monks
are willing to go for their faith.
405
00:34:48,406 --> 00:34:49,888
Once the door is shut,
406
00:34:50,128 --> 00:34:52,731
they'll be in complete
darkness for 3 months.
407
00:34:53,691 --> 00:34:55,493
I want to know
what they do all day.
408
00:34:55,894 --> 00:34:58,136
So I asked their master
to demonstrate.
409
00:35:07,425 --> 00:35:10,148
As a kid, I was forced
to memorize the Quran.
410
00:35:11,750 --> 00:35:13,872
I'd have to chant
for hours on end.
411
00:35:14,192 --> 00:35:16,194
Nobody told me
what the words meant
412
00:35:16,434 --> 00:35:17,876
or why we repeated them.
413
00:35:18,797 --> 00:35:20,919
And I was never allowed
to question it.
414
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:23,962
We chant like this endlessly.
415
00:35:25,964 --> 00:35:30,008
- So it's only "Namu Amida Butsu"?
- Yes.
416
00:35:30,208 --> 00:35:32,570
I thought the chant was
417
00:35:33,411 --> 00:35:37,295
followed by some other words.
418
00:35:37,535 --> 00:35:40,458
I just keep chanting the same phrase.
419
00:35:41,820 --> 00:35:43,181
Endlessly.
420
00:35:44,342 --> 00:35:46,304
That's how it goes.
421
00:35:50,508 --> 00:35:53,111
My next meeting
is with a high-ranking monk.
422
00:35:53,551 --> 00:35:56,634
But instead of talking
about enlightenment, I ask him
423
00:35:57,075 --> 00:35:59,517
if anyone here
ever questions their faith?
424
00:36:00,839 --> 00:36:08,839
I came to Mount Hiei
and became my master's disciple
425
00:36:15,253 --> 00:36:18,416
47 or 48 years ago.
426
00:36:18,937 --> 00:36:24,863
I will never forget
what my master told me.
427
00:36:25,543 --> 00:36:27,425
He said, "Crows are white."
428
00:36:28,786 --> 00:36:30,788
It was shocking.
429
00:36:31,269 --> 00:36:36,634
Even when our master
made a false statement
430
00:36:36,955 --> 00:36:39,797
we weren't allowed
to tell him that he was wrong.
431
00:36:39,998 --> 00:36:44,002
We were only allowed
to respond "yes."
432
00:36:50,368 --> 00:36:54,412
During the training, do people really
not sleep for 90 days?
433
00:36:55,133 --> 00:36:58,296
They can sleep
because no one is watching them.
434
00:36:59,657 --> 00:37:03,061
We officially say
we don't sleep for 90 days.
435
00:37:04,863 --> 00:37:07,345
But everybody knows
that as a human being...
436
00:37:07,545 --> 00:37:09,187
- Of course.
- You would die.
437
00:37:11,429 --> 00:37:14,312
- Did you do that practice?
- Yeah, I did it.
438
00:37:15,833 --> 00:37:18,516
I slept eight hours a day.
439
00:37:20,718 --> 00:37:22,280
I was so sleepy.
440
00:37:26,444 --> 00:37:29,928
For several weeks,
I've been asking to rejoin Kamahori.
441
00:37:30,088 --> 00:37:32,250
But the monks say,
I'm not ready.
442
00:37:34,172 --> 00:37:36,334
They take me
from temple to temple.
443
00:37:36,454 --> 00:37:38,496
And I film whatever I'm told to.
444
00:37:40,538 --> 00:37:43,181
Some days, it's a monk
in front of a tree.
445
00:37:44,622 --> 00:37:48,026
Other days, it's a lecture
into 3,000 realities
446
00:37:48,146 --> 00:37:50,348
in a single moment
of consciousness.
447
00:37:51,229 --> 00:37:52,350
And sometimes,
448
00:37:54,192 --> 00:37:56,074
It's just a monk
making some toast.
449
00:38:03,962 --> 00:38:06,925
- We can try and go meet him.
- That's amazing.
450
00:38:07,405 --> 00:38:10,168
I've done everything the monks
have asked me to do.
451
00:38:10,368 --> 00:38:14,052
And I'm finally given the green light
to follow Kamahori again.
452
00:38:31,349 --> 00:38:34,152
A Muslim follows a Buddhist
monk up a mountain.
453
00:38:34,272 --> 00:38:36,514
It may sound like
the start of a bad joke.
454
00:38:37,275 --> 00:38:38,756
But this is my life now.
455
00:38:43,001 --> 00:38:46,044
I've never really felt comfortable
talking to an Imam.
456
00:38:46,724 --> 00:38:49,007
My own religion just brings up
too much fear
457
00:38:49,127 --> 00:38:50,488
of judgment and guilt.
458
00:38:52,570 --> 00:38:54,812
I thought by coming here
it would be easier
459
00:38:54,973 --> 00:38:57,255
to talk to someone
outside my faith.
460
00:38:58,216 --> 00:38:59,737
But I'm beginning to realize
461
00:39:00,218 --> 00:39:02,820
I might have made things
even harder on myself.
462
00:39:13,071 --> 00:39:15,153
Kamahori makes it seem
so effortless.
463
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:18,036
But trying to keep up
with him is embarrassing.
464
00:39:20,198 --> 00:39:22,360
My crew has been
dragging heavy equipment
465
00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:24,522
up and down this mountain
for weeks.
466
00:39:26,044 --> 00:39:29,087
Everyone's exhausted and
getting on each other's nerves.
467
00:40:00,598 --> 00:40:04,242
The monks tell me that I'll be able
to speak to Kamahori soon.
468
00:40:04,602 --> 00:40:06,284
So I show up every night
469
00:40:06,924 --> 00:40:09,767
I hope they're starting
to see how committed I am.
470
00:40:17,295 --> 00:40:19,217
Hey! Stop that!
471
00:40:19,337 --> 00:40:21,459
- What's wrong?
- Are you playing around?
472
00:40:21,659 --> 00:40:24,262
With your light from behind
he can't see his steps.
473
00:40:25,183 --> 00:40:26,304
Try it.
474
00:40:26,584 --> 00:40:28,386
Do it yourself and turn around.
475
00:40:30,148 --> 00:40:32,550
Can you see your feet?
476
00:40:33,711 --> 00:40:35,793
- Can you?
- I don't know how else to film.
477
00:40:36,033 --> 00:40:38,636
It's dangerous
not to be able to see your feet.
478
00:40:39,237 --> 00:40:43,721
We were told that
we can light it from behind.
479
00:40:43,961 --> 00:40:45,483
Who said that?
480
00:40:45,963 --> 00:40:47,805
I understand,
but please don't get mad.
481
00:40:49,207 --> 00:40:52,530
I will get mad.
The practitioner is risking his life.
482
00:40:55,853 --> 00:40:58,896
Nothing feels worse
than being yelled at by a monk.
483
00:41:01,179 --> 00:41:03,621
We're kicked out again,
and told to never return.
484
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:24,962
I spend the night
walking around in circles
485
00:41:25,123 --> 00:41:27,245
replaying the argument in my head.
486
00:41:28,286 --> 00:41:30,368
The monks are really
confusing to me.
487
00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:32,770
Nobody told us we
couldn't use a light.
488
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,738
When I get back to the hotel,
it hits me.
489
00:41:41,018 --> 00:41:42,540
I failed our test.
490
00:41:46,864 --> 00:41:49,707
The next day Ryushin
sneaks me into the monastery.
491
00:41:50,148 --> 00:41:52,190
I tell him what happened,
and I ask him
492
00:41:52,350 --> 00:41:55,473
If I'm a fool,
or if all monks are this strict.
493
00:41:55,953 --> 00:41:57,034
In here?
494
00:41:57,435 --> 00:41:58,956
Not all of the people...
495
00:41:59,597 --> 00:42:02,039
Not all of the monks in Japan.
496
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:03,721
It's just the monks in here.
497
00:42:04,402 --> 00:42:07,485
Because I feel like... coldness.
498
00:42:08,886 --> 00:42:13,130
You know, I feel coldness
when speaking to monks in here.
499
00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:15,573
Or...
500
00:42:16,133 --> 00:42:19,777
I don't feel mercy,
I don't feel...
501
00:42:24,702 --> 00:42:25,943
compassion.
502
00:42:30,668 --> 00:42:32,310
Welcome to Depression Room.
503
00:42:33,751 --> 00:42:35,913
Okay, you can come inside.
Please.
504
00:42:41,599 --> 00:42:43,000
I tell Ryushin
505
00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:45,563
that I didn't come here
just to talk about monks.
506
00:42:45,683 --> 00:42:48,246
I needed advice on some
more personal issues
507
00:42:48,366 --> 00:42:49,767
on my mind recently.
508
00:42:56,173 --> 00:42:57,695
So, my parents don't know
509
00:42:58,055 --> 00:43:00,578
that I'm marrying someone
outside my faith.
510
00:43:01,339 --> 00:43:03,661
I think it would
completely crush them.
511
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:08,506
Do you have any advice for me?
512
00:43:08,706 --> 00:43:09,867
I don't think so.
513
00:43:12,630 --> 00:43:15,473
I don't know.
I don't have any clue.
514
00:43:24,402 --> 00:43:26,244
I just stay here
and pick up the phone
515
00:43:26,364 --> 00:43:28,085
when someone calls this temple.
516
00:43:28,246 --> 00:43:31,609
Sometimes they ask
at what time the temple opens,
517
00:43:31,729 --> 00:43:34,732
at what time the temple closes,
or sometimes...
518
00:43:35,253 --> 00:43:38,896
"Please say hello to Buddha."
519
00:43:39,857 --> 00:43:41,419
So I just say, "Okay",
520
00:43:42,139 --> 00:43:44,862
your wish has come true."
Or something like that.
521
00:43:45,303 --> 00:43:47,625
I have to pick up the phone.
But I don't want to.
522
00:43:47,745 --> 00:43:51,469
Because if I take it
they always, like, cry...
523
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:53,711
They ask me questions like,
"What is life?"
524
00:43:53,831 --> 00:43:55,793
Or, "What is the meaning
of the planet?"
525
00:43:55,905 --> 00:43:58,908
I just listen to them.
Then I say, "Okay, yes."
526
00:43:59,036 --> 00:44:00,758
"Okay, okay, bye."
527
00:44:01,919 --> 00:44:04,121
Why did you even become a monk?
528
00:44:04,522 --> 00:44:08,286
I just wanted to do the same things
that the ancient people did.
529
00:44:09,006 --> 00:44:11,609
I think the main reason
why I chose to be a monk
530
00:44:11,729 --> 00:44:14,251
is that I wanted to help someone.
531
00:44:14,772 --> 00:44:16,934
Will you be able
to help me some day?
532
00:44:17,134 --> 00:44:19,657
I think so, yeah.
In the future, I think.
533
00:44:20,137 --> 00:44:22,620
I should do because I'm a monk.
534
00:44:23,821 --> 00:44:26,504
I told Ahsen
a million times that
535
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:30,868
filming my life is not funny.
536
00:44:32,830 --> 00:44:35,192
I don't think
my life is interesting.
537
00:44:36,634 --> 00:44:39,717
Because I'm not funny.
I'm not enjoying my life.
538
00:44:41,399 --> 00:44:45,603
I want to change something
but I don't think I can do it soon.
539
00:44:53,611 --> 00:44:55,613
Why would you be staying
any longer?
540
00:44:56,454 --> 00:44:59,337
Because I have no movie without it.
541
00:44:59,537 --> 00:45:01,298
I have to do something.
542
00:45:02,420 --> 00:45:04,061
Okay, well...
543
00:45:05,182 --> 00:45:06,664
Are you...
544
00:45:07,064 --> 00:45:09,667
Are you still planning
to talk to your parents?
545
00:45:10,147 --> 00:45:11,949
Invite them to the wedding?
546
00:45:13,711 --> 00:45:15,593
I... Yes, of course.
547
00:45:17,034 --> 00:45:18,716
Okay, are you sure?
548
00:45:20,558 --> 00:45:22,520
Yeah, look, I promise you.
549
00:45:23,921 --> 00:45:25,963
I'm going to call my mom tomorrow.
550
00:45:29,607 --> 00:45:31,849
Telling my parents
I'm getting married
551
00:45:31,969 --> 00:45:33,771
isn't as simple as it sounds.
552
00:45:36,654 --> 00:45:38,496
They're from another world.
553
00:45:39,937 --> 00:45:42,380
My parents got married
40 years ago
554
00:45:42,620 --> 00:45:44,582
in a tiny village in Pakistan.
555
00:45:46,263 --> 00:45:47,945
My mom was 18 years old,
556
00:45:48,706 --> 00:45:51,148
and she'd never been alone
with a man in her life.
557
00:45:53,391 --> 00:45:55,593
In their village, men and women
558
00:45:55,713 --> 00:45:58,115
weren't even allowed
to be in the same room.
559
00:45:58,916 --> 00:46:01,679
And people caught having sex
outside of marriage
560
00:46:01,799 --> 00:46:03,360
could be stoned to death.
561
00:46:06,003 --> 00:46:08,686
For them, relationships
with the opposite sex
562
00:46:09,006 --> 00:46:10,448
only happened in marriage.
563
00:46:11,008 --> 00:46:13,891
And marriage only happens
with other Muslims.
564
00:46:15,052 --> 00:46:16,894
And Dawn is not a Muslim.
565
00:46:18,135 --> 00:46:19,777
So, I lie.
566
00:46:20,978 --> 00:46:22,460
Can you see my picture?
567
00:46:23,501 --> 00:46:25,583
No, I can't see you.
568
00:46:26,704 --> 00:46:29,146
Mon, if I...
569
00:46:29,707 --> 00:46:32,149
What would you do...
570
00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:38,516
if I met a woman
who wasn't Muslim?
571
00:46:40,317 --> 00:46:41,999
What would you think?
572
00:46:42,199 --> 00:46:47,805
The Prophet said
people marry for three reasons.
573
00:46:48,005 --> 00:46:50,007
A woman's health,
574
00:46:50,127 --> 00:46:51,769
her beauty
575
00:46:51,889 --> 00:46:54,411
or her religion.
576
00:46:54,932 --> 00:46:57,695
So you should marry
a religious woman.
577
00:46:58,095 --> 00:47:02,139
But I don't want to marry
just for religion.
578
00:47:03,781 --> 00:47:06,504
I want to meet
579
00:47:06,744 --> 00:47:08,305
someone I love.
580
00:47:08,906 --> 00:47:14,031
And her religion
makes no difference to you?
581
00:47:16,554 --> 00:47:19,316
I feel regret and sadness.
582
00:47:19,477 --> 00:47:22,439
But you will only understand this
when you read the Quran.
583
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:24,321
This is our manual.
584
00:47:25,523 --> 00:47:26,884
Given to us by God.
585
00:47:29,326 --> 00:47:31,008
God willing.
586
00:47:46,944 --> 00:47:50,027
There's a sutra
that monks shouldn't listen to music.
587
00:47:52,109 --> 00:47:55,392
They will ban me.
Kick me out of the temple.
588
00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:57,795
But I don't want to deny myself.
589
00:47:58,996 --> 00:48:00,558
I just want to be happy.
590
00:48:00,998 --> 00:48:03,521
I want to have a happy life,
that's all.
591
00:48:19,056 --> 00:48:22,940
It's about loving someone
so much you love them to death.
592
00:49:02,580 --> 00:49:04,622
This is where
my microphone breaks.
593
00:49:04,982 --> 00:49:08,225
But I don't care
because for the first time on this trip,
594
00:49:08,345 --> 00:49:10,147
I'd forget about my problems.
595
00:49:10,588 --> 00:49:13,310
And I realize that
I've made a friend.
596
00:49:43,140 --> 00:49:45,222
What are you doing there Ryushin?
597
00:49:45,462 --> 00:49:46,984
I'm searching Amazon.
598
00:49:47,304 --> 00:49:48,746
For the iPad?
599
00:49:49,506 --> 00:49:50,788
The accessories.
600
00:49:52,309 --> 00:49:54,271
- Why do you want an iPad?
- Sorry?
601
00:49:54,431 --> 00:49:55,913
Why do you want an iPad?
602
00:49:56,674 --> 00:49:58,595
No reason, I just want it.
603
00:49:59,677 --> 00:50:01,118
Play a video game?
604
00:50:01,358 --> 00:50:04,201
No. Just an iPad, I want it.
605
00:50:05,282 --> 00:50:06,483
You desire it.
606
00:50:08,686 --> 00:50:10,087
I'm desire monk.
607
00:50:19,496 --> 00:50:20,938
What are you looking at?
608
00:50:21,458 --> 00:50:24,501
I'm looking up New Zealand pictures.
609
00:50:24,902 --> 00:50:27,024
Because I want to be a farmer.
610
00:50:28,385 --> 00:50:32,189
In the future, in New Zealand.
Like a sheep farmer.
611
00:50:34,391 --> 00:50:35,472
Sheep.
612
00:50:36,073 --> 00:50:37,354
Why a sheep farmer?
613
00:50:37,474 --> 00:50:40,718
Well, it looks peaceful...
614
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:44,001
and silent.
615
00:50:44,641 --> 00:50:48,165
You don't have to think about
so many things, that's all.
616
00:50:48,645 --> 00:50:50,007
And I love New Zealand.
617
00:50:50,167 --> 00:50:52,089
I love the life in New Zealand.
618
00:50:52,209 --> 00:50:53,771
So I want to go back.
619
00:50:55,572 --> 00:50:56,854
That's the reason.
620
00:50:58,896 --> 00:51:02,740
Ryushin tells me that he spent a
year studying abroad in New Zealand.
621
00:51:03,100 --> 00:51:05,743
It's where he learned English,
discovered heavy metal,
622
00:51:05,863 --> 00:51:07,424
and fell in love with sheep.
623
00:51:09,226 --> 00:51:11,949
And for the first time
in his life, he felt free.
624
00:51:13,791 --> 00:51:16,553
He planned on living there,
but his father demanded
625
00:51:16,714 --> 00:51:19,436
that he return home to take care
of the family temple.
626
00:51:21,598 --> 00:51:24,762
He doesn't know it yet,
but I have a surprise for him.
627
00:51:51,869 --> 00:51:52,870
Sit.
628
00:51:52,990 --> 00:51:53,990
Sit.
629
00:51:54,071 --> 00:51:55,071
Sit.
630
00:52:10,207 --> 00:52:11,328
Oh, my God!
631
00:52:16,613 --> 00:52:18,936
- This sheep likes to jump.
- This sheep?
632
00:52:21,178 --> 00:52:24,461
- The sheep are not gonna hurt you at all.
- I know.
633
00:52:24,862 --> 00:52:27,504
You are the master of the sheep,
remember.
634
00:52:30,587 --> 00:52:32,309
I told you
I don't have anything.
635
00:52:36,753 --> 00:52:38,876
It turns out that until today,
636
00:52:38,996 --> 00:52:41,438
Ryushin had never seen sheep
in real life.
637
00:52:42,840 --> 00:52:44,281
It was all just a fantasy.
638
00:52:46,844 --> 00:52:48,685
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
639
00:52:55,532 --> 00:52:57,935
Like Ryushin's dream
of living among sheep,
640
00:52:58,215 --> 00:53:01,098
I'm starting to think
that finding answers at a monastery
641
00:53:01,218 --> 00:53:02,579
is also a fantasy.
642
00:53:06,904 --> 00:53:09,386
I need to get back
to my life in Los Angeles.
643
00:53:10,347 --> 00:53:11,909
I'm getting married soon,
644
00:53:12,029 --> 00:53:15,032
and I can't wait around hoping
the monks will forgive me.
645
00:53:16,313 --> 00:53:19,556
Before leaving,
Ryushin throws me a farewell party.
646
00:53:24,161 --> 00:53:27,404
I bought this table and the grill
647
00:53:27,524 --> 00:53:31,488
one week ago for tonight.
648
00:53:32,970 --> 00:53:34,972
And I'm so excited to use a new one.
649
00:53:35,412 --> 00:53:36,693
Delicious sake.
650
00:53:38,375 --> 00:53:40,617
I bought it in Yamagata.
651
00:53:42,379 --> 00:53:43,500
Sake.
652
00:53:44,141 --> 00:53:46,263
Do monks usually drink?
653
00:53:47,384 --> 00:53:50,467
I think we are not supposed
to drink alcohol.
654
00:53:50,988 --> 00:53:54,351
It's kind of against the law,
the Buddhist way.
655
00:53:54,872 --> 00:53:56,593
I know I shouldn't drink.
656
00:53:57,474 --> 00:53:58,996
As a monk.
657
00:53:59,676 --> 00:54:02,719
What would monks say
if they found out you are drinking?
658
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:04,641
"Abandoned."
659
00:54:05,202 --> 00:54:08,205
They'll punish me, I don't know.
But they can't punish me
660
00:54:08,886 --> 00:54:10,487
because I know they drink.
661
00:54:14,051 --> 00:54:15,612
Watching a vegetarian monk
662
00:54:15,732 --> 00:54:18,175
devour 5 pounds of steak
and get drunk
663
00:54:18,575 --> 00:54:20,297
makes me a little envious.
664
00:54:20,938 --> 00:54:24,701
Unlike me, Ryushin's comfortable
living with his contradictions.
665
00:54:32,349 --> 00:54:34,111
You want some?
666
00:54:40,477 --> 00:54:43,520
- Do you drink often?
- I don't drink anymore.
667
00:54:44,001 --> 00:54:45,122
Why not?
668
00:54:46,563 --> 00:54:48,405
Partly because of Islam.
669
00:54:51,088 --> 00:54:53,170
I had a health scare, like,
two years ago.
670
00:54:54,131 --> 00:54:55,412
And then I started...
671
00:54:57,094 --> 00:54:58,495
I was afraid of dying.
672
00:54:59,456 --> 00:55:00,817
Everyone dies.
673
00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:03,700
Are you afraid of death?
674
00:55:04,901 --> 00:55:06,343
Well, I want to die.
675
00:55:09,226 --> 00:55:11,188
I'm in so much pain.
676
00:55:12,149 --> 00:55:15,953
I know that many people
are in more pain than me.
677
00:55:17,114 --> 00:55:19,796
But I think
I enjoyed my life already.
678
00:55:19,997 --> 00:55:24,121
So, it's okay, you know,
if someone shoots me.
679
00:55:24,761 --> 00:55:27,204
If a stone comes out of the air...
680
00:55:28,165 --> 00:55:30,247
that's okay, I have no regrets.
681
00:55:31,208 --> 00:55:34,051
- I think about death every morning I wake.
- Do you?
682
00:55:35,052 --> 00:55:36,813
It's the first thing I...
683
00:55:38,415 --> 00:55:42,819
He thinks about death every morning
684
00:55:43,380 --> 00:55:44,661
when he wakes up.
685
00:55:45,422 --> 00:55:46,783
Really?
686
00:55:47,424 --> 00:55:48,945
He's afraid of dying.
687
00:55:50,667 --> 00:55:52,229
He was raised a Muslim.
688
00:55:53,070 --> 00:55:54,391
I see.
689
00:55:54,511 --> 00:55:56,953
- Is he Muslim?
- Yes, he is.
690
00:55:57,674 --> 00:56:01,478
But he doesn't pray five times a day.
He feels guilty.
691
00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:06,163
You know, I still haven't
told my parents about Dawn.
692
00:56:06,283 --> 00:56:07,484
No?
693
00:56:07,804 --> 00:56:09,246
Oh yeah, I knew that.
694
00:56:09,846 --> 00:56:11,368
Who cares? It's okay.
695
00:56:13,650 --> 00:56:16,613
If you go to hell,
I will go to hell to help you.
696
00:56:16,893 --> 00:56:17,974
Don't worry.
697
00:56:18,495 --> 00:56:20,137
I'll ask my Buddha.
698
00:56:20,897 --> 00:56:25,142
"There's Ahsen Nadeem,
he's going to hell."
699
00:56:25,342 --> 00:56:26,863
"Would you mind helping him?"
700
00:56:27,064 --> 00:56:28,265
He will help you
701
00:56:28,785 --> 00:56:30,627
because you've got a kind...
702
00:56:31,108 --> 00:56:33,110
Let's hope we both don't go to hell.
703
00:56:49,726 --> 00:56:53,009
Hello, and welcome to the
wedding of Dawn and Ahsen.
704
00:56:53,370 --> 00:56:55,652
You are the most important
people to them.
705
00:56:56,093 --> 00:56:58,495
And so, to have you here
witness their marriage
706
00:56:58,615 --> 00:56:59,816
is a great gift.
707
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:18,675
As soon as
the Imam started singing,
708
00:57:18,795 --> 00:57:20,277
I recognized the prayer.
709
00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:23,760
My mom used to recite it
when I was a kid.
710
00:57:24,201 --> 00:57:27,484
And it's the first time
I've heard it since leaving home.
711
00:57:30,807 --> 00:57:33,290
Oh god, bless Dawn and Ahsen
712
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:38,175
with faith, love and happiness
in this world and the next.
713
00:57:42,379 --> 00:57:46,103
Bless this couple with the strength
to forgive each other's shortcomings.
714
00:57:46,263 --> 00:57:47,304
Amen.
715
00:57:48,505 --> 00:57:51,828
Now I pronounce you
husband and wife.
716
00:59:10,146 --> 00:59:11,508
3 years went by.
717
00:59:11,628 --> 00:59:14,271
And I never told my parents
that I got married.
718
00:59:19,316 --> 00:59:21,358
Dawn pretended
it wasn't an issue.
719
00:59:21,638 --> 00:59:23,520
And I was happy
not to bring it up.
720
00:59:24,921 --> 00:59:28,285
But it was getting harder and harder
to keep up the facade.
721
00:59:28,965 --> 00:59:32,809
I had to maintain elaborate systems
to keep my wife a secret.
722
00:59:36,092 --> 00:59:38,415
I blocked my relatives
from social media.
723
00:59:38,535 --> 00:59:40,537
I created
separate email accounts.
724
00:59:40,657 --> 00:59:42,619
And I even kept two phones.
725
00:59:42,979 --> 00:59:45,502
One for my life,
and the other for my parents.
726
00:59:47,023 --> 00:59:49,866
The shame of doing all this
in front of Dawn grew.
727
00:59:50,787 --> 00:59:53,630
And it started to take a toll
on our relationship.
728
01:00:01,278 --> 01:00:03,640
I'd given up on trying
to tell my parents.
729
01:00:03,960 --> 01:00:05,642
I'd given up on the movie.
730
01:00:06,002 --> 01:00:07,644
And I'd given up on myself.
731
01:00:08,525 --> 01:00:09,686
I was lost.
732
01:00:12,329 --> 01:00:15,211
There was only one person I
thought might understand.
733
01:00:15,652 --> 01:00:18,335
My only connection
to the monastery was Ryushin.
734
01:00:18,855 --> 01:00:20,417
We hadn't talked in years.
735
01:00:20,657 --> 01:00:23,980
But his tweets brought news
of all the important spiritual issues
736
01:00:24,100 --> 01:00:25,101
on the mountain.
737
01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:46,642
Hello.
738
01:00:46,683 --> 01:00:47,924
Moshi moshi.
739
01:00:51,408 --> 01:00:52,729
What happened to you?
740
01:00:53,370 --> 01:00:54,691
After so many years,
741
01:00:55,292 --> 01:00:57,414
it feels great to catch up
with Ryushin.
742
01:00:57,894 --> 01:01:01,698
Dawn and I are now married for
3 years now.
743
01:01:02,138 --> 01:01:03,138
And...
744
01:01:04,421 --> 01:01:05,862
I still haven't...
745
01:01:06,983 --> 01:01:08,184
told my parents.
746
01:01:09,746 --> 01:01:10,987
You haven't yet?
747
01:01:11,147 --> 01:01:12,188
No.
748
01:01:12,349 --> 01:01:14,030
Oh. I see.
749
01:01:18,274 --> 01:01:19,916
It's an earthquake
happening here.
750
01:01:20,036 --> 01:01:21,077
Oh!
751
01:01:28,164 --> 01:01:30,206
It's okay. It's okay.
752
01:01:32,288 --> 01:01:34,050
I didn't want you to die.
753
01:01:35,332 --> 01:01:38,615
You know, life is not long.
Life is really short.
754
01:01:39,015 --> 01:01:41,978
If you don't deal with a problem
in this life
755
01:01:42,298 --> 01:01:45,582
that problem will be delayed
into the next life.
756
01:01:51,468 --> 01:01:54,150
How can I say?
I haven't spoken English in years.
757
01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:56,112
So I can't speak well.
758
01:01:56,312 --> 01:01:57,754
You speak great English.
759
01:01:58,395 --> 01:02:00,637
I've never seen
Ryushin so monk-like.
760
01:02:00,757 --> 01:02:03,039
He tells me that his life
is transformed
761
01:02:03,159 --> 01:02:05,201
after witnessing Kamahori complete
762
01:02:05,362 --> 01:02:07,684
one of the final stages
of the Kaihogyo.
763
01:02:07,964 --> 01:02:09,005
A 9-day fast
764
01:02:09,446 --> 01:02:11,608
without food, water, or sleep.
765
01:02:15,331 --> 01:02:18,214
The monks hosted a funeral
for him in case he died.
766
01:02:18,855 --> 01:02:21,418
And the ceremony was broadcast
live on TV.
767
01:02:25,862 --> 01:02:27,183
After 9 days,
768
01:02:27,584 --> 01:02:30,387
he was carried
out of his temple half dead.
769
01:02:30,907 --> 01:02:32,909
He's now considered
a living Buddha
770
01:02:33,029 --> 01:02:34,471
and a God on earth.
771
01:02:36,673 --> 01:02:40,557
Ryushin thinks that if I had been there,
it would've changed my life too.
772
01:02:42,038 --> 01:02:44,601
He tells me about
an upcoming public festival
773
01:02:44,721 --> 01:02:47,644
where Kamahori will be making
a rare appearance.
774
01:02:48,124 --> 01:02:52,569
If you come back to Japan,
you might be able to speak to him.
775
01:02:53,089 --> 01:02:55,612
If you give up this time,
you won't see him.
776
01:02:55,732 --> 01:02:58,174
You won't get an interview
in the future.
777
01:02:59,015 --> 01:03:00,737
The choice is yours.
778
01:03:19,596 --> 01:03:22,278
How do you feel about me
going back to Japan?
779
01:03:23,319 --> 01:03:26,603
It's funny how asking
so many questions about
780
01:03:27,964 --> 01:03:32,048
these monks, and their practice and
why they're doing what they're doing...
781
01:03:35,572 --> 01:03:37,133
has strangely been...
782
01:03:38,895 --> 01:03:40,897
a compass back to yourself.
783
01:03:42,018 --> 01:03:43,259
I didn't even know
784
01:03:43,660 --> 01:03:45,622
until we had been dating for...
785
01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:47,864
probably 3 years or something...
786
01:03:48,465 --> 01:03:50,747
that you even cared
about being Muslim.
787
01:03:51,788 --> 01:03:56,593
I think the only time
I even started to understand
788
01:03:56,953 --> 01:03:59,195
was when we were
talking about getting married.
789
01:03:59,355 --> 01:04:00,877
I didn't get it, you know?
790
01:04:01,037 --> 01:04:04,120
Like, why not tell your parents?
Stand up for who you are.
791
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:05,762
What do you have to lose?
792
01:04:06,603 --> 01:04:08,765
And then I started to understand.
793
01:04:09,886 --> 01:04:12,529
You really believe that
you will go to hell.
794
01:04:15,772 --> 01:04:18,735
You really believe all the stories
that your mom
795
01:04:18,855 --> 01:04:21,297
and dad used to tell you.
That you're...
796
01:04:22,739 --> 01:04:23,820
that you're bad.
797
01:04:25,181 --> 01:04:28,865
It was really ingrained in you
since you were a very small kid.
798
01:04:29,746 --> 01:04:31,668
That you're bad,
you're not worthy.
799
01:04:31,788 --> 01:04:33,630
And that God will punish you.
800
01:04:35,231 --> 01:04:37,754
You're not allowed
to have a happy life.
801
01:04:38,715 --> 01:04:39,916
And I was like,
802
01:04:41,277 --> 01:04:45,001
if he doesn't know who he is,
how can I fully invest
803
01:04:45,121 --> 01:04:46,683
in a future with this person?
804
01:04:46,803 --> 01:04:50,006
Because maybe he'll pull a rug out
from under my feet one day
805
01:04:50,126 --> 01:04:53,730
and be like, you know,
I was wrong.
806
01:04:54,170 --> 01:04:57,974
I have to break off this marriage
because...
807
01:04:59,375 --> 01:05:02,378
my parents are right.
I should get married to a Muslim.
808
01:05:05,421 --> 01:05:08,264
Look, I'm never gonna do
anything like that.
809
01:05:13,229 --> 01:05:16,713
I think we can't continue
in the way that we've been.
810
01:05:27,604 --> 01:05:29,846
The festival is tomorrow,
811
01:05:29,966 --> 01:05:32,889
and I'm anxious because
I never got permission to come.
812
01:05:35,011 --> 01:05:37,253
But I'm not the only one
who is worried.
813
01:05:47,584 --> 01:05:49,866
Ryushin is even more nervous
than I am.
814
01:05:50,466 --> 01:05:53,349
Tomorrow's festival includes
an important test for him.
815
01:05:53,469 --> 01:05:55,632
If he passes,
he'll get a promotion
816
01:05:55,752 --> 01:05:59,115
And finally end the terrible jobs
he's been stuck in for years.
817
01:06:00,797 --> 01:06:02,438
I want to be a real monk.
818
01:06:03,199 --> 01:06:06,282
I want to do the same things
that the ancient people did.
819
01:06:10,046 --> 01:06:11,447
Most of the people,
820
01:06:12,168 --> 01:06:15,692
I can feel what they feel,
what they think about me.
821
01:06:17,093 --> 01:06:20,016
What do you think
the other monks think of you?
822
01:06:20,296 --> 01:06:24,500
That I'm just weak,
depressed, dumb.
823
01:06:32,228 --> 01:06:34,831
Someone told me,
"You are a 70 % person."
824
01:06:35,632 --> 01:06:37,473
"You are just half a person."
825
01:06:38,474 --> 01:06:40,837
People just don't understand
what I feel.
826
01:07:12,108 --> 01:07:15,712
The monks are making a pilgrimage
to a holy site 20 miles away.
827
01:07:16,432 --> 01:07:18,514
It takes 12 hours
in sweltering heat.
828
01:07:48,224 --> 01:07:50,226
Only one man doesn't seem tired.
829
01:07:51,227 --> 01:07:52,428
That is Kamahori.
830
01:07:58,715 --> 01:08:02,358
Kamahori's strength has had
a major influence on Ryushin's life.
831
01:08:03,039 --> 01:08:06,883
But when I look over at my friend,
I see he's really struggling.
832
01:08:11,167 --> 01:08:13,289
As I'm setting up
for my next shot,
833
01:08:13,810 --> 01:08:16,212
my old minder
shows up out of nowhere.
834
01:08:18,094 --> 01:08:21,377
He tells me, it's not a good idea
for me to be here.
835
01:08:21,497 --> 01:08:25,782
And I figure now is not the time
to ask for a meeting with Kamahori.
836
01:08:27,343 --> 01:08:29,425
Even though
we're on public streets,
837
01:08:29,746 --> 01:08:32,348
he relegates us
to a street corner.
838
01:08:32,468 --> 01:08:34,751
And we're told
to keep our distance.
839
01:08:38,554 --> 01:08:40,957
We're not allowed
to go beyond this point.
840
01:08:52,088 --> 01:08:54,130
About halfway through the festival,
841
01:08:54,370 --> 01:08:56,893
Ryushin's injured
and forced to drop out.
842
01:08:58,534 --> 01:09:00,216
He doesn't get his promotion.
843
01:09:25,041 --> 01:09:26,602
Why don't you quit?
844
01:09:27,443 --> 01:09:28,805
It's really hard.
845
01:09:30,406 --> 01:09:32,768
I have to look after my grandfather.
846
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:34,530
And grandmother, too.
847
01:09:34,971 --> 01:09:36,572
And also my parents.
848
01:09:37,373 --> 01:09:42,498
So I cannot leave the monastery
until my parents have died.
849
01:10:35,151 --> 01:10:37,353
No matter where he is
or what he's doing,
850
01:10:37,874 --> 01:10:41,117
Ryushin comes home every evening
to bathe his grandfather.
851
01:10:41,677 --> 01:10:43,079
He never misses a day.
852
01:10:44,360 --> 01:10:46,522
I haven't been home in 10 years.
853
01:10:46,642 --> 01:10:49,045
But I still talk to my mom
every week.
854
01:10:49,565 --> 01:10:51,407
She always asks
the same question.
855
01:10:52,889 --> 01:10:54,450
When are you coming home?
856
01:11:07,263 --> 01:11:10,026
I was supposed to be
back home in LA a week ago.
857
01:11:10,546 --> 01:11:13,669
But I don't want to leave
before I can talk to Kamahori.
858
01:11:15,071 --> 01:11:17,273
Now I'm stranded
because of a storm.
859
01:11:18,354 --> 01:11:21,637
And it's the worst typhoon
to hit Japan in 20 years.
860
01:11:24,760 --> 01:11:26,242
I've given you
861
01:11:27,083 --> 01:11:29,325
years of no pressure.
862
01:11:31,567 --> 01:11:35,811
You, by not telling your parents...
I've had to go along with your...
863
01:11:36,572 --> 01:11:38,054
your duplicity.
864
01:11:38,614 --> 01:11:40,376
I've been patient for you
865
01:11:40,896 --> 01:11:43,379
to have your
process of coming out to your parents.
866
01:11:44,740 --> 01:11:47,023
To me your actions show me that
867
01:11:47,423 --> 01:11:50,186
you're not being honest
about what you want in your life.
868
01:11:50,506 --> 01:11:52,348
Also in terms of having a family.
869
01:11:52,828 --> 01:11:56,152
It shows me that you don't actually want a
family, and never did.
870
01:11:57,633 --> 01:12:00,356
I just nee to have from you
a clear message
871
01:12:00,476 --> 01:12:01,998
about what it is you want.
872
01:12:17,813 --> 01:12:19,855
I've never seen her
so disappointed.
873
01:12:21,217 --> 01:12:23,139
I can't stick around any longer.
874
01:12:23,699 --> 01:12:25,341
I need to get back home.
875
01:12:25,982 --> 01:12:28,424
So, when the storm passes,
I get in my car.
876
01:12:28,624 --> 01:12:30,866
It's time to do
what I came here for.
877
01:12:32,188 --> 01:12:35,992
Today, I'm gonna show up
to Kamahori's temple unannounced.
878
01:12:49,605 --> 01:12:53,089
It's the last time I'm gonna climb
this fucking mountain.
879
01:13:06,222 --> 01:13:08,224
Are we supposed to follow him?
880
01:13:19,835 --> 01:13:23,599
After a couple of questions,
the monk in charge lets us through.
881
01:13:25,041 --> 01:13:26,522
It's surprisingly easy.
882
01:13:28,604 --> 01:13:29,925
Thank you.
883
01:13:46,062 --> 01:13:49,385
- Thank you for our meal.
- Thank you for our meal. - Yes.
884
01:13:49,625 --> 01:13:51,867
- Excuse us.
- Excuse us. - Yes.
885
01:13:57,393 --> 01:14:00,716
I'm told Kamahori can only
speak with me for 15 minutes.
886
01:14:01,117 --> 01:14:03,319
But first, I have to wait
in silence.
887
01:14:04,039 --> 01:14:05,321
Because it's lunchtime.
888
01:14:26,742 --> 01:14:29,105
Thanks for giving me this opportunity.
889
01:14:31,867 --> 01:14:35,070
To be honest,
I didn't think you would see me today.
890
01:14:35,551 --> 01:14:38,354
Sorry, for showing up at your temple
unannounced.
891
01:14:46,362 --> 01:14:50,486
I've just been waiting for this moment
for five years and it's...
892
01:14:54,770 --> 01:14:57,012
It's a great honor to be in your presence.
893
01:15:00,095 --> 01:15:02,738
I became interested in you because
894
01:15:03,419 --> 01:15:05,581
your discipline and devotion
895
01:15:05,941 --> 01:15:10,386
is similar to what's asked of me
from my religion, Islam.
896
01:15:16,272 --> 01:15:18,274
Not so much walking, I mean...
897
01:15:18,634 --> 01:15:21,437
Nobody walks like guys,
so that's obvious.
898
01:15:28,964 --> 01:15:32,488
Anyway, the first thing
I want to know is,
899
01:15:33,489 --> 01:15:35,611
now that you've reached enlightenment,
900
01:15:35,931 --> 01:15:38,574
what wisdom
can you share with me?
901
01:15:51,026 --> 01:15:56,432
I've completed all
the important stages of my practice,
902
01:15:56,992 --> 01:15:59,795
but it's hard for me to tell
903
01:16:00,636 --> 01:16:05,841
if I've reached enlightenment.
904
01:16:06,482 --> 01:16:10,165
To attain spiritual enlightenment
905
01:16:11,927 --> 01:16:15,331
is the ultimate goal as a monk.
906
01:16:15,771 --> 01:16:17,653
During the 1000 day Kaihogyo ritual
907
01:16:18,093 --> 01:16:23,499
we don't actually walk
the entire 1000 days.
908
01:16:24,300 --> 01:16:25,701
We save 25 days
909
01:16:25,901 --> 01:16:30,346
because we haven't attained
spiritual enlightenment yet.
910
01:16:30,826 --> 01:16:33,549
25 days are left to remind you that
911
01:16:34,270 --> 01:16:38,193
you have to work
for your entire life to get there.
912
01:16:42,838 --> 01:16:45,321
I should be thinking
about my next question.
913
01:16:45,441 --> 01:16:48,844
But instead, I'm thinking about
my conversation with Dawn.
914
01:16:49,725 --> 01:16:52,328
So, I just start talking.
915
01:16:52,968 --> 01:16:55,811
I tell him that I was raised
in a strict Muslim household,
916
01:16:55,931 --> 01:16:57,893
but I ran off
to the United States
917
01:16:58,133 --> 01:17:00,496
and got married,
and my parents had no idea.
918
01:17:00,616 --> 01:17:03,979
And if I tell them they'll be crushed
and never speak to me again.
919
01:17:04,099 --> 01:17:07,022
But if I don't tell them,
my wife will never speak to me again.
920
01:17:07,142 --> 01:17:08,464
And there's no solution,
921
01:17:08,584 --> 01:17:12,348
and really more than anything,
I'm just terrified.
922
01:17:14,710 --> 01:17:17,273
I think we should move on.
You had another question?
923
01:17:19,635 --> 01:17:22,358
- We have ten more minutes.
- Okay. Sorry...
924
01:17:22,878 --> 01:17:25,281
I guess, what I want to know is
925
01:17:25,881 --> 01:17:30,045
if you've ever had to fix
a situation like mine in your life.
926
01:17:31,527 --> 01:17:34,690
Have you ever had to choose
between love and tradition?
927
01:17:47,703 --> 01:17:49,865
Well, you know
928
01:17:53,749 --> 01:17:55,671
Someone is calling.
929
01:18:06,322 --> 01:18:09,885
As Kamahori is on the phone,
we're told that our time is up.
930
01:18:10,205 --> 01:18:12,888
And just like that,
the interview is over.
931
01:18:26,301 --> 01:18:29,385
After spilling my guts
on the top of the mountain,
932
01:18:30,105 --> 01:18:34,390
I was devastated that I had spent
five years chasing Kamahori.
933
01:18:35,951 --> 01:18:38,634
It was embarrassing
that after so much time,
934
01:18:39,314 --> 01:18:41,236
I hadn't really learned anything.
935
01:18:43,519 --> 01:18:44,800
On my drive back,
936
01:18:45,160 --> 01:18:47,883
I think about all the lies
I've told my parents,
937
01:18:48,003 --> 01:18:50,806
and the strain that it's
put on my marriage.
938
01:18:53,409 --> 01:18:54,610
The truth is
939
01:18:55,210 --> 01:18:58,093
the biggest lie I have been telling
is to myself.
940
01:18:58,734 --> 01:19:01,857
That I could solve
my problems by running away.
941
01:19:03,178 --> 01:19:05,901
When I started this film,
I had no idea
942
01:19:06,101 --> 01:19:08,664
how much my own story
would be part of it.
943
01:19:09,945 --> 01:19:12,788
But now my life
and the film are intertwined.
944
01:19:13,228 --> 01:19:16,872
And the only way to finish the story
is to tell the truth.
945
01:19:21,717 --> 01:19:24,159
Watching how close you are
to your family,
946
01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:28,363
and how honest you are
about your life, made me...
947
01:19:30,205 --> 01:19:33,809
made me want to make
some big changes in my own life.
948
01:19:34,369 --> 01:19:35,571
So...
949
01:19:36,051 --> 01:19:38,013
I'm going to tell my parents...
950
01:19:41,577 --> 01:19:42,818
about Dawn.
951
01:19:44,900 --> 01:19:45,981
Really?
952
01:19:47,302 --> 01:19:49,465
I didn't mean to... I didn't...
953
01:19:50,385 --> 01:19:53,669
I didn't want to change your life
by myself.
954
01:19:55,310 --> 01:19:57,032
But it's nice to hear that.
955
01:19:58,634 --> 01:20:00,436
I'm very scared to tell them.
956
01:20:01,437 --> 01:20:02,638
Yeah. Yeah.
957
01:20:03,599 --> 01:20:05,000
I can imagine.
958
01:20:05,961 --> 01:20:09,485
I cried more in the last 2 months
959
01:20:09,605 --> 01:20:11,567
than I've done in my entire life.
960
01:20:14,450 --> 01:20:15,571
Because?
961
01:20:16,492 --> 01:20:19,935
Because I've been
hiding this thing for so long.
962
01:20:20,616 --> 01:20:21,737
Yeah.
963
01:20:22,137 --> 01:20:24,019
I didn't realize...
964
01:20:28,423 --> 01:20:31,907
I didn't realize how much pain
I was carrying inside of me.
965
01:20:34,830 --> 01:20:38,674
So you have trained,
you have done the practice so much.
966
01:20:38,954 --> 01:20:43,238
So you graduated the practice
like a monk.
967
01:20:44,239 --> 01:20:48,804
So you can have the praise.
You should be praised.
968
01:20:49,204 --> 01:20:52,287
And you should praise yourself.
969
01:20:52,648 --> 01:20:54,089
And, yeah...
970
01:20:55,050 --> 01:20:57,012
your practice just ended.
971
01:20:57,653 --> 01:20:58,934
Congratulations.
972
01:21:20,075 --> 01:21:21,717
How are you feeling?
973
01:21:22,277 --> 01:21:25,761
It's been good
to get all my outfits in line.
974
01:21:26,081 --> 01:21:28,203
I still don't know
what I'm gonna wear.
975
01:21:31,166 --> 01:21:33,168
There's still time to get a burka.
976
01:21:35,090 --> 01:21:36,732
I feel a little crazy today.
977
01:21:37,372 --> 01:21:39,214
It's a long time coming.
978
01:21:40,616 --> 01:21:44,259
I think the interesting part of this
conversation with them is that
979
01:21:44,379 --> 01:21:46,782
you're allowing them
to have their reaction.
980
01:21:47,863 --> 01:21:51,947
But the hardest thing is just that
I don't know if you should film them.
981
01:21:52,748 --> 01:21:57,512
Like, you are showing up
after all these years,
982
01:21:57,633 --> 01:22:00,235
putting a camera in their face
and telling them...
983
01:22:01,196 --> 01:22:03,559
Hey, I haven't been
honest with you
984
01:22:03,719 --> 01:22:06,401
and now I want to take
your reaction,
985
01:22:06,562 --> 01:22:09,524
- and, you know, use it for my film.
- Yeah.
986
01:22:09,645 --> 01:22:13,208
It seems really kind of cruel
and unusual to do that.
987
01:22:14,129 --> 01:22:15,290
At the same time,
988
01:22:15,410 --> 01:22:17,973
I don't know how else
you would tell the story
989
01:22:18,253 --> 01:22:19,655
without doing that.
990
01:22:20,535 --> 01:22:23,218
Maybe they'll appreciate
having the camera there
991
01:22:24,580 --> 01:22:26,622
to vindicate themselves
and be like,
992
01:22:26,742 --> 01:22:29,585
you are a terrible son,
and this is gonna be on record.
993
01:22:30,385 --> 01:22:32,668
Sounds like
it won't work in my favor.
994
01:22:32,828 --> 01:22:34,269
Well, I know, but
995
01:23:18,353 --> 01:23:21,356
How are you?
How was your journey?
996
01:23:21,677 --> 01:23:23,919
- It was good.
- You took a bit longer.
997
01:23:24,039 --> 01:23:26,321
- Yes.
- We were expecting you a bit earlier.
998
01:23:26,762 --> 01:23:28,403
- I got lost.
- You got lost?
999
01:23:28,603 --> 01:23:30,605
- Yes.
- I hope you are not lost
1000
01:23:30,806 --> 01:23:32,928
for some other things as well.
1001
01:23:40,896 --> 01:23:42,017
Mom?
1002
01:25:00,976 --> 01:25:03,618
Do you miss us sometimes
in America, Ahsen?
1003
01:25:03,859 --> 01:25:05,340
As we miss you?
1004
01:25:07,943 --> 01:25:12,267
Sometimes I worry because you don't have
a proper general Islamic education.
1005
01:25:12,627 --> 01:25:15,630
Heaven is only for those
who die a Muslim.
1006
01:25:17,592 --> 01:25:21,797
You should marry a good Muslim girl,
have children and...
1007
01:25:22,117 --> 01:25:24,279
you should have a family life
1008
01:25:25,200 --> 01:25:28,203
and not be alone.
That's why I'm worried about you.
1009
01:25:28,804 --> 01:25:30,245
About these things.
1010
01:25:31,046 --> 01:25:34,289
Marriage to... a non-Muslim
1011
01:25:35,530 --> 01:25:37,052
is not allowed in Islam.
1012
01:25:48,984 --> 01:25:51,987
Sit up straight
so it looks good on camera.
1013
01:25:53,508 --> 01:25:55,750
We shouldn't slump.
1014
01:25:58,553 --> 01:26:00,195
Ahsen, please start quickly.
1015
01:26:01,596 --> 01:26:02,958
Don't pressure him.
1016
01:26:05,560 --> 01:26:06,962
Take one.
1017
01:26:07,963 --> 01:26:10,685
In the name of God,
the most gracious and merciful.
1018
01:26:13,809 --> 01:26:16,451
Mom, I was very close to you
when I was growing up.
1019
01:26:16,571 --> 01:26:18,974
I remember,
you were my best friend.
1020
01:26:19,614 --> 01:26:21,696
I feel, when I went to college,
1021
01:26:21,857 --> 01:26:23,658
that we started drifting apart.
1022
01:26:23,819 --> 01:26:26,141
Yes, yes. This is true, Ahsen.
1023
01:26:26,581 --> 01:26:28,303
Yes, this is how it turned out.
1024
01:26:29,865 --> 01:26:32,147
Sometimes, when I'd tell your dad,
he'd say,
1025
01:26:32,267 --> 01:26:34,069
"Ahsen will change, don't worry."
1026
01:26:34,189 --> 01:26:38,153
Dad didn't have the same worry,
but I was in a lot of pain.
1027
01:26:39,114 --> 01:26:42,117
How did you feel when I decided
to move to America?
1028
01:26:42,317 --> 01:26:46,281
It was very disturbing to me.
Yes.
1029
01:26:46,561 --> 01:26:47,963
That's right.
1030
01:26:48,043 --> 01:26:52,367
People would say
they've heard rumors
1031
01:26:52,928 --> 01:26:54,890
that you have a son as well.
1032
01:26:56,291 --> 01:26:59,014
People still ask me,
"Why does he never visit home?"
1033
01:27:00,175 --> 01:27:01,336
Um...
1034
01:27:03,498 --> 01:27:07,542
The reason I'm here in Ireland
is because I wanted to...
1035
01:27:08,383 --> 01:27:10,145
not have any more secrets
anymore.
1036
01:27:10,625 --> 01:27:14,029
I've been hiding from you.
1037
01:27:14,429 --> 01:27:15,750
Since I was a kid.
1038
01:27:16,471 --> 01:27:17,913
Why is that?
1039
01:27:18,553 --> 01:27:20,475
Um, I think I was really just
1040
01:27:20,595 --> 01:27:23,358
scared of your disapproval
and losing...
1041
01:27:23,919 --> 01:27:25,120
losing your love.
1042
01:27:28,043 --> 01:27:30,005
I want to share something with you
1043
01:27:30,125 --> 01:27:32,247
that's been on my heart
and consciousness.
1044
01:27:32,367 --> 01:27:36,611
It's the reason why I'm in Ireland,
why I want to start telling the truth.
1045
01:27:36,731 --> 01:27:38,934
Living with the truth,
God willing.
1046
01:27:39,174 --> 01:27:41,456
And living with
the consequences of that.
1047
01:27:41,937 --> 01:27:43,538
And being close to you guys.
1048
01:27:43,858 --> 01:27:46,101
You're always close to us,
Ahsen.
1049
01:27:46,261 --> 01:27:47,983
You're always in our heart.
1050
01:27:48,103 --> 01:27:50,906
In our prayer, and we love you
1051
01:27:51,026 --> 01:27:54,149
as you're part of our
flesh and blood.
1052
01:27:55,310 --> 01:27:58,393
Blood that runs in your veins
is our blood.
1053
01:28:15,290 --> 01:28:16,451
Please sit.
1054
01:28:16,611 --> 01:28:17,892
You are with us.
1055
01:28:26,261 --> 01:28:28,343
I... I found...
1056
01:28:42,998 --> 01:28:44,839
I found someone I love.
1057
01:28:45,560 --> 01:28:46,681
And...
1058
01:28:50,685 --> 01:28:52,767
I've been married...
1059
01:28:55,210 --> 01:28:57,492
But I was scared to tell you.
1060
01:29:04,980 --> 01:29:06,181
Marriage!
1061
01:29:07,782 --> 01:29:09,704
Since when? For how long?
1062
01:29:10,545 --> 01:29:12,307
I've married for 3 years.
1063
01:29:13,548 --> 01:29:14,629
Is she Muslim?
1064
01:29:14,789 --> 01:29:16,391
She's not a Muslim.
1065
01:29:18,073 --> 01:29:20,875
She came to Ireland as well
and she wants to...
1066
01:29:21,836 --> 01:29:23,278
she wants to meet you.
1067
01:29:38,533 --> 01:29:40,895
That is what I was not expecting.
1068
01:29:42,457 --> 01:29:44,179
I want to have you in my life.
1069
01:29:44,299 --> 01:29:45,620
I don't want you...
1070
01:29:46,381 --> 01:29:48,023
to live separately anymore.
1071
01:29:50,185 --> 01:29:54,629
You took a decision in your life
and made the wrong choice.
1072
01:29:54,749 --> 01:29:57,312
You couldn't find a girl
of your own faith?
1073
01:29:58,713 --> 01:30:00,435
Just leave.
Your film is complete.
1074
01:30:00,555 --> 01:30:03,558
You can link it with the monks.
1075
01:30:03,678 --> 01:30:06,121
I don't have much time now
to go into this.
1076
01:30:06,761 --> 01:30:09,164
Now just pack this up.
The film is done.
1077
01:30:09,324 --> 01:30:10,725
The end has happened.
1078
01:30:11,005 --> 01:30:13,448
There is no alternative ending.
1079
01:30:23,298 --> 01:30:25,700
God gave you a good mind.
1080
01:30:26,861 --> 01:30:28,303
We raised you well.
1081
01:30:30,385 --> 01:30:31,866
You chose the wrong way.
1082
01:31:33,848 --> 01:31:37,292
Kamahori's taking his final steps
up the Kaihogyo.
1083
01:31:37,772 --> 01:31:40,455
His 7-year journey
has come to an end.
1084
01:31:41,856 --> 01:31:44,379
All the monks are here
to celebrate him.
1085
01:31:54,789 --> 01:31:56,351
It took me long to understand
1086
01:31:56,471 --> 01:31:59,113
what Kamahori told me
during our interview.
1087
01:32:01,236 --> 01:32:03,198
They don't walk
the entire Kaihogyo.
1088
01:32:03,678 --> 01:32:05,760
They leave 25 days incomplete.
1089
01:32:07,202 --> 01:32:09,964
As a reminder that our journey
never really ends
1090
01:32:10,205 --> 01:32:12,247
and there's always
more work to do.
1091
01:32:20,455 --> 01:32:24,659
I didn't really appreciate his words then.
But I'm starting to now.
1092
01:32:27,182 --> 01:32:30,745
He helped me figure out
that'll I'll probably never untangle
1093
01:32:30,985 --> 01:32:33,988
all the contradictions
of my life and faith.
1094
01:33:12,587 --> 01:33:15,189
Ryushin isn't answering
phones anymore.
1095
01:33:15,310 --> 01:33:17,111
He finally got his promotion.
1096
01:33:17,432 --> 01:33:21,556
And he's where he always wanted to be:
out in the world helping people.
1097
01:33:23,117 --> 01:33:27,642
- It's specified as an incurable disease.
- Really?
1098
01:33:28,002 --> 01:33:30,445
You should have gone
to the hospital sooner.
1099
01:33:47,061 --> 01:33:49,384
Everyone says
he's a great teacher.
1100
01:33:49,704 --> 01:33:52,146
And even though I was
a pretty lousy student,
1101
01:33:52,787 --> 01:33:55,350
I like to think that
I was his first.
1102
01:33:56,271 --> 01:34:00,435
Everyone has a different way
of living their lives.
1103
01:34:02,517 --> 01:34:05,600
Buddha said
the most important thing
1104
01:34:05,920 --> 01:34:07,882
is to respect each other.
1105
01:34:09,764 --> 01:34:12,927
Don't judge others.
1106
01:34:13,408 --> 01:34:16,731
We don't get to decide
who is good or bad.
1107
01:34:18,293 --> 01:34:19,294
It's hard to do.
1108
01:34:20,134 --> 01:34:22,497
Our everyday life is a practice.
1109
01:34:38,473 --> 01:34:42,877
THERE IS NO GOD BUT ALLAH
AND MUHAMMAD IS THE MESSENGER OF GOD.
78923
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