Original subtitles

-Ok? -Mmm-hmm.

Is this your card?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

JAIME: All right. Come on. Look at these brochures with me.

-What do you got? -Amish Country, the Pocono's,

-Hershey, Gettysburg. -Gettysburg?

Is there an address?

All right. Why is everything in Pennsylvania?

-What's wrong with Pennsylvania? -Nothing.

Pennsylvania is a fine state.

It's one of the original 13. The Keystone State.

-Got Quakers, a lot of Quakers. -I love Quakers, Quaker oats.

-Quaker furniture. -That's Shaker.

Whatever. How about New York, our own state?

New York State, The Empire State?

Many fine tourist attractions there.

Massachusetts always reliable. Why don't we go to Canada

and visit all the natives to the North.

Well, why? Why are they any better than Pennsylvania?

All right. I'm just gonna ask.

You have some discount from work with Pennsylvania Tourism.

-Oh, aren't you so smart. -So why don't you just say that?

I didn't want to prejudice you against Pennsylvania.

I will call the travel agency guy. I'll do it.

-When? -As soon as I'm finished.

I can't do it until weed is done. I can't.

Well, you can't let them get to you like this.

You know, what it is with them? See, they don't understand

film making as metaphor,

-as film making as poetry. -As art.

Yes, but not in a mocking tone you just said it.

-I'm not mocking. -Yes, you are.

You know, you're the one who wanted me to work

-for the explorer Channel. -I did not.

Yeah, you did. Now you see

this is the price you pay when you work for the man.

What are you? Shaft?

I didn't want you to work for the Explorer Channel.

I only wanted you to work for the Explorer Channel

if you wanted to work for the Explorer Channel.

And if I didn't want you to work for the Explorer Channel?

Then I didn't want you to work for the Explorer Channel.

I don't remember that part of the conversation.

It's true.

-How do you remember that? -I eat right.

My memory is just as good eating crap.

Okay, now where is my pants?

-Paul? -Yes, Hollis?

-You wearing a watch? -I am wearing a watch.

Well, would look at it?

Because we've been trying to light this weed

-for two hours. -Okay. You know, what, Hollis?

It's not easy to light weed just properly.

-Am I right, Bobby. -I guess.

Thanks for backing me up.

-What are you doing? -Nothing.

You're casting your shadow on the weed.

I'm trying to light a weed, and you see a big shadow here.

Where is the continuity?

Yesterday wasn't this leaning to the south, yesterday,

and now it's kind of leaning to the west.

I don't think it's the same.

What's the difference? It's a weed.

It's a weed. What's the difference?

It's a weed. It happens to be the star of the show.

The film is called "Weed."

Great, so we'll put a little string on it

-and hold it up. Okay? -You know what?

Hollis, it's not a puppet. Okay? Do you understand?

It's a living thing.

You know, as well as I do we can put a string on this weed

and be out of here in five minutes.

Hey, you're not gonna ruin my film.

Paul, it's a weed, weed.

-You're a weed. -Fine. I'm a weed. I'm a weed.

By the way, who ate all the doughnuts?

Why was Brockwell taking money from a reputed crime boss?

Well, it was some spare change for cab fare.

He had no idea.

-He left his wallet at home. -Yeah,

and you think the grand jury is gonna believe that?

Oh, we're screwed.

Months of planning a campaign, and all up in smoke.

Okay. Maybe we're not. Maybe he won't get indicted.

Oh, don't be so optimistic. You'll get my hopes up.

There goes my entire weekend.

-Oh, what were you gonna do? -Nothing, I have no plans.

-I have no life. How about you? -I used to have a life.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

You're not late. You're early for tomorrow.

We ate your Kung Pao.

Oh, that's okay. I had lunch with Mark.

-Two hours? -I chew slowly.

Come on. We got a lot of work to do.

We're gonna be here all weekend as it is.

-We are? -What?

Well, Mark and I are going down

to the Pennsylvania Dutch country tonight.

To what?

-Yeah, we're gonna go-- -What made you decide on that?

Well, I was looking through those brochures

you had on our desk. Is something wrong?

Well, Paul and I were thinking of going away this weekend.

-You were? -You were?

-We talked about it. -Well, come with us.

No, no, no, she can't and neither can you.

You've gottta help me to prep Brockwell

for a grand jury testimony on Monday.

-Can you change your plans? -Our deposit is non-refundable.

You know how Mark is about stuff like that.

-How? -Cheap.

All right. It's okay.

Paul wouldn't have been able to go anyway.

-If you want me to stay, I will. -Okay.

-I can't. I just can't. -Go.

It's all right. We'll take care of it.

-You're not mad? -No.

-Don't be mad. -I'm not mad.

-I am not mad. -Thank you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hope the Amish wrap her in a quilt

and beat her with a hoe.

PAUL: Great Bobby, that's great Bobby, the light was great...

You know, if I knew

we were gonna work these kinds of hours,

I'd taken better care of myself years ago.

[VIDEO TAPE REWINDING]

Look at this. This is the shot they wanted me to use.

It just ruins it.

It stinks up the whole piece. Don't you think?

I don't care anymore.

It's two in the morning.

-Don't you have a life? -That's the shot

that I would have used. That's the great angle.

But they said it makes the weed look too ominous.

Why didn't you just put a string on the cacamanee weed.

I'd have been home by eight.

Arrest me for taking a little pride in my work.

Arrest you? I'd like to kill you.

Come on. Let's get this over with.

Just pick an angle and let me go home.

-Okay. I don't even know-- -Just pick an angle.

Okay.

-Let's just go with that. -Good.

No, no, no, no. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

PAUL: Must I do everything myself?

Get outta here!

Did you ever see Citizen Cane?

-Yeah, great movie. -Well, this ain't it.

-This is Weed. -I know. I know.

-But--Ow! -What's the matter?

My tooth. I think I got a cavity.

Why don't you eat more cookies?

Leave me alone, would you?

You know what, I don't think I like this.

-I don't like it at all. -Oh, boy.

It's no good. It's no-- There's something--

What did that mean? I don't have a life?

-What? -You said I don't have a life?

Well, look at you. You're a young man.

You're not sleeping. You're never home.

All you do is work.

And your teeth are falling out.

-Well-- -Pick an angle.

This is what it takes to work for a big company.

Well, then maybe you shouldn't work for a big company.

What does that mean?

Nothing. Pick an angle.

Are you telling me I should quit?

Pick an angle.

What are you saying that I should just say

I'll walk in there and say "You guys can't tell me

what to do with my movie. Hey, what did you do?

I picked you an angle Corasella.

-Yeah, but I don't like that-- -Moving on.

PAUL: All right. That's great, Bobby. That's great, Bobby.

The light looks great. Leave it. Leave it.

All right, let's get ready to shoot this thing.

-Come on, people. Come on---It's 4:00 a.m.

-What are you doing? -I'm working.

-You're staring at a weed. -It's my job.

Oh, all right, Honey, come on. Come to bed.

Stare at the weed in the morning.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Okay. Did you just see it move?

-No. -You don't see the weed wafted.

It wafted, ever so slightly, but it was a waft.

Sweetie, you really need to relax.

-Get your mind off of work. -Hey, I have to--

Let's just see what else is on.

-What are you doing? -It's all right.

Come on let's just see.

Look there we go.

It's your favorite infomercial, the Abflexer.

You've always wanted an Abflexer.

Look a women's prison movie, very sexy.

Cool. The woman on the left, in the robe,

her name is Mimsy.

She's innocent. She's been framed.

There's a big fight,

you know, climactic show down in the shower,

a lot of bloodshed, and a whole lot of tears.

And in the end, justice will prevail.

-So you've seen this before? -Part of it.

WOMAN ON TV: 'They are all girls, girls with the big G'...

You know, I came this close to quitting today.

-You did? -Yeah, but I didn't

and decided I'm gonna stick it out.

I'm gonna do my time like Mimsy.

But I'll tell you. If I'm accused of something

-that I didn't do -- -You may have to make

-a break for it. -I may.

I understand.

When you're done with Weed, we have to go away.

See that angle? Okay. That's the angle

I should have shot the weed from.

See from under the weed. Like the weed's point of view.

-Bye-bye. -Now you're gonna change it?

Fran and Mark went to Pennsylvania Dutch Country

this weekend. Doesn't that sound nice?

I don't know when I can, honey.

-Did you call the travel agent? -Not yet.

-Oh, gladiator movie. -Honey, come on. Come to bed.

Okay. Did you realize

if the hair styles in this movie are historically accurate,

it means the popodure has been around for 2000 years.

All right. You know what? Stare at your weed.

I'm finishing the pie. All right?

PAUL: Scene 8, take 47.

Action.

Yeah, yeah. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.

Hey, hey, hey,

What's the matter? That was great.

-Oh, you thought that was great? -Yeah, I did.

Paul? Yes, Hollis?

We've done 47 takes of this shot.

Believe me when I say we have it.

Okay. Believe it when I say, we don't.

-We do. We do. -We don't. We really don't.

Hold it. I think we maybe should take a break here.

What? I don't wanna take a break now.

Because everyone is tired and hungry.

Who's tired? Who's hungry? Here have these.

Throwing chips, huh? Wasting of chips.

Sorry, Paul, can't let that one slide.

You know what? Just get off the set, please.

-Excuse me? -I like you off the set.

Get off the set. You're banned for my set.

Sorry. You can't ban me from the set.

-It's public street. -Oh, really?

Hey, is that your pen? Go get it.

Fetch, fetch.

Oh, you're so clever. Get off the set.

Paul, I think you're being a little unreasonable.

Give me my chips.

You turned on me, Bobby, and you know what?

I never saw that coming. I trusted you.

What? What? You're kidding me, right?

Get off. I want you off the set too.

Get off the set. Join your friend there.

You know what? I'll do this myself.

Take me up. Everybody off the set.

Everybody. Come on. You're all banned.

You're banned. You're banned. Curly, you're banned. Out.

Let's go. Let's go. Everybody.

-Hey, hey, what do you do here? -I live here.

I don't care. Get out. Get out. Off the set. Go. Go. Go.

Watch out for the weed. Jesus, do you see the weed?

Do you not see the weed? It's a huge weed.

All right.

This is better.

Okay. Now we can work.

Excuse me? Buddy, pal?

Excuse me?

I can't get down now.

[USING MEGAPHONE] Okay. I may have overreacted.

All right. Here we go.

Two knee braces, two ankle braces,

and the ace bandage.

-Thanks. -It looks like it hurts, huh?

Have you ever jumped off a crane?

-Can't say that I have. -I wouldn't rush to do it.

They're driving you nuts, over there, huh?

Like you wouldn't believe it. I'm so ready to quit.

Paulie, you do not want to do that.

You know, to a certain point, it's a question of dignity.

It's a question of self-respect and honor.

-What's that on your sweater? -It's a Twinkie filling.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

-Excuse me? -Yes, ma'am.

-Do you carry sweat socks? -Yeah, sure.

-See right over there. -And what about rifles?

-Aisle 9. -Thank you.

Paulie, I just think you're not thinking straight.

I mean, this is not the time.

I'm telling you to be thinking about quitting your job.

Why are you not supporting me on this?

I am supporting you.

Where would I find tetherballs?

Those are right around the corner.

How about blow guns?

-It's aisle 9. -Aisle 9.

I'm telling you. You have no idea what it's like.

I mean, I'm showing them my movie tomorrow.

I guarantee you

whatever it is I like in the film,

they're gonna want to change.

-So what? -What do you mean "so what?"

So, Paulie, sometimes in life you've got to sacrifice.

I know but to go to work everyday and be miserable.

Where are you sitting right now?

-What? Where? -Here.

Who built this place from a vacant lot?

-So? -Your father.

Well, you think he resented sacrificing for you?

I would imagine so. No, no, no, Paulie, no,

the answer is no. Our parents they Went to work.

They went to wars. They stayed married.

They didn't belly ache about it.

What can I tell you? So we're not a very hearty generation.

-Do you sell windbreakers? -Yes, ma'am aisle 2

And hatchets?

-Aisle 9. -Aisle 9.

Boy, aisle 9 has really changed.

NARRATOR: And so ultimately the weed survives.

[UNCOMFORTABLE COUGHING]

Well, Paul, congratulations. It was great.

Great, just great, Paul. Loved it. It's perfect.

[PHONE RINGING]

Thank you. You hear that, Hollis?

-Wouldn't change a thing. -Wouldn't change a thing.

Hollis, you hear that? Wouldn't change a thing?

Nothing, sir?

Well, maybe a few small things.

-Like what? -"Like what?"

Frankly, the weed just isn't as sympathetic

as we hoped it to be.

Yes, yes.

I mentioned this to Paul numerous times.

-I have it here in my notes. -Be that as it may.

Focusing on the weed now. Couldn't the weed be nicer?

-"Nicer"? -Nicer, nicer.

This is just our opinion.

-You do what you think is right. -Thank you.

Do what I think is right, Hollis. Thank you.

Because I've got to say what you just saw,

I think it reflects us. That's what we want.

That's the essence of the weed's reality.

What if we play up

the street smart side of the weed?

Yes, yes, yes, that is brilliant.

Make it street "savvy," kind of a happening weed.

-Oh, maybe give it a nemesis. -Yes, I love that. Love it.

Could you just shut up for just one second?

Maybe what we need is somebody to root against?

To root against? A nemesis for the weed.

What is that like a hat or something?

-A cat. -Wait, wait, wait a minute.

-Like a crazed gardener? -Crazed gardener.

What? What? What? A crazed gardener?

You see. This is what I have to work with.

These are the suggestions he makes.

-I wasn't making a suggestion. -You just were.

-No, I wasn't. I just simply-- -Yes, yes--

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

I'm must say I'm very disappointed

in both of you.

We sent you out to make a film about a weed,

a friendly, upbeat film

that would come in on schedule and on budget.

Now, somebody please tell me. How did this happen?

Sir, I have it all right here in my notes.

-What do you have in your notes? -Everything.

You have nothing. You have nothing.

-Show me. Show me. -No.

Show me in your notes. Show me.

All right. All right. All right. Enough. Enough. Enough.

Well, I see no constructive solutions forthcoming

from the two of you.

I, on the other hand, have a very simple fix.

How can they fire both of us?

The place has no idea what it's doing.

They're all screwed up.

-Well, their loss. -Their loss.

We were a great team.

We were the best, man.

Hollis and Paul. Paul and Hollis.

Forever.

You know, I played it all wrong.

No, no, no, I did. I did. It was me.

No, no, no, I was too eager to give in.

No, listen, I could have been more compromising.

Well, we couldn't help it.

You know what? That's who we are.

Yeah, I'm just a straight arrow,

-by the book, button down-- -Brown noser.

-Yes, I am. -Hey, hey, I have my faults too.

You know, I'm a stubborn single minded fiercely,

-uncompromising-- -Pain in the ass?

Well, here's to us.

Here's to a great film maker.

And here's to...

Here's to you.

-Okay. All right. All right. -I love you, man.

All right.

-I really do. -Okay.

You know you're right.

As of this moment, I'm turning over a new leaf.

Good for you.

What are you writing now, Hollis?

Oh, nothing.

DOUG: I'll be the DA. You can be Brockwell.

Now, Mr. Brockwell, on March 9--

Aren't you gonna make me swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

-So help you God? -Yes.

No. Now, Mr. Brockwell, on March 9--

Aren't you gonna ask me to state my name?

Would you state your name, please?

Lance Brockwell.

Now, Mr. Brockwell, on March 9th,

did you accept $14

from reputed Russian mob boss, Yuri "Potatohead" Bulkov?

Yes.

-Can I ask you something? -Yes.

-That's your Brockwell? -Yes.

It's a lousy Brockwell.

-It's better than yours. -I don't think so.

Oh, hey, I spoke to my friend

who's head of tourist part of Massachusetts.

He's gonna set you guys up with a whole weekend

-get away package. -Really?

-Yeah. I hope that's okay. -No, it's great.

I don't know when we'll able to do it.

Paul's busy with his film, but--

-Weed. -Weed.

-That's very sweet. -Oh, okay.

Well, let's get back to work, huh?

One of us has to be Bulkov. Why don't you be Bulkov?

-Why don't you be Bulkov. -No, no. You be Bulkov.

-I don't want to be Bulkov. -I don't want to be Bulkov.

Come on, honey, you're gonna miss it.

I can't believe you're gonna watch it.

Oh, how can I not watch it?

Well, it's just good to see you happy again.

I'm happy. I'm thrilled. Getting fired was so liberating.

It's gonna be the best thing that ever happened to me.

You're in such deep, deep denial.

It's not denial. It's ecstasy.

You're gonna get something great. I know it.

-Do I look worried? -No, that's what worry's me.

Come on. Why don't you get fired with me?

We'll stay home. We'll be happy as clams.

I can't. Big mama has gotta bring home the bacon.

You hear that? Mama is gonna bring home some bacon.

[DOOR BUZZER]

-What did you forget. -I love you.

-It's gonna be fine. -I know.

See you, you could never lose your job

and even if you did, you would find work in a minute.

You know why? Because you're very good.

[DOOR BUZZER]

How often is there a world premiere?

-Now, you're gonna be late. -Doug will cover for me.

All right. Now, you know, if they left in the crane shot

and they didn't redo the narration,

and they didn't put in that stupid music,

-it might not be that terrible. -That's the spirit, honey.

NARRATOR: Next on the Explorer Channel,

a weed is terrorized by a cat and a crazed gardener

on the world premiere of Weed.

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