Original subtitles

-JAMIE: Yes! -PAUL: Yes!

-JAMIE: No. -PAUL: Yes.

-JAMIE: No. -PAUL: No?

-JAMIE: No. -PAUL: What happened?

-JAMIE: My back. -PAUL: Really?

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

-MARK: Really? -Really.

Yes, really.

But you're adults. Why were you doing it on the floor?

-JAMIE: We just were. -None of my business.

But you have to be impressed with me.

Excuse me. This has happened before. It's like a spasm.

My lower back just locks.

Alright. What happens if we lift you up?

-Ow! Ow! Ow! -OK.

-Stretch out. Does that hurt? -Ow, ow, ow!

-I'm telling you I can't move. -She has to lay right there.

It's the only position I can live in.

-You poor thing. -It's quite an accomplishment.

-I'm not a young kid anymore. -[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'm just saying to have that kind of stamina,

the energy, the stick-to-it-iveness.

Paul.

-I'm not happy you're in pain. -Just answer the phone.

You're obviously a man of tremendous prowess.

That's all I'm trying to say. Hello.

-JAMIE: Is it for me? -No.

Pop, I was about to call you.

You know, one time Fran and I just fell off this porch...

-Mark? -...we weren't even having sex.

Could you please write the prescription?

Getting out my pen.

You're going, and that's it. I'll meet you in half an hour.

Get off the phone and go.

Bye. To get my father to the eye doctor is like pulling teeth.

What's it like to going to the dentist?

Like poking him in the eye, ironically.

Are you sure you can do everything?

-Yes, yes... -If you can't, tell me.

I'm gonna drop my father at the eye doctor,

then go to NYU, pick up your translator.

-Where at NYU? -Front of the Tisch Building.

Oy. The Tisch Complex.

They're not the same?

No, there's a Tisch Building, Tisch Complex, and Tisch Annex.

[SCOFFS] That's just too much Tisch.

Pick him up at the Tisch Complex...

I'll take him to City Hall.

Conference room...

Conference room "B." "C"? "B"? "C"?

-"C." -That's what I said.

The Tisch family also built a yoga center.

-Mark. -I'm writing, I'm writing.

I'm finished. Here you go. OK.

Make sure she takes this with food.

You don't want me to get this first?

No. Translator to City Hall, then prescription.

Wait. There's a folder on my desk with his itinerary.

-Yes, sir. -Who needs a translator?

He's a dissident poet from China.

Who, Ng Lieu Cho?

Yes. How did you know that?

There are things I know.

Okay, there's no folder.

A red folder in my purse.

You didn't say in your purse.

Yeah, I've been reading him for years.

He's never been here. He doesn't speak any English.

Well, sure. He's from the Ling Fong Province.

There's only 7,000 people who speak his dialect.

Ow! Ow!

In fact, he's the only man

to ever rhyme anything with the word "harrng".

You buy a greeting card from his town,

guaranteed, he wrote it.

There is no folder.

There's a datebook, a Newsweek, and a very sad tangerine.

-In my purse. -Yeah.

-It's in there. Ow! Ow! -I'm sorry.

Oh! This red folder here you mean?

-Yes. Let me see it. -You ever read him?

Ng Lieu Cho?

-Yeah. -I almost did.

Well, he's wonderful. You really should.

Indomitable spirit.

[RECITING IN CHINESE]

"Clamps on my nipples

will never change the truth."

Isn't that wonderful?

Nipples was nung nai?

-No, ook nok. -Ook nok.I was gonna say.

-Murray! Murray! -What's with him?

-Chasing a mouse. -Thought he was done with that.

-[THUD] -Well, he's not.

-You sure you know what to do? -Yes.

-He has to be there by 3:30. -Three thirty. Yes, I know.

-You're my prince. I love you. -Why wouldn't you?

-Ow! -That hurt?

-Yes. -Oh, boy. I'm really sorry.

You're not sorry. You're happy.

I'm not. I feel terrible. I take full responsibility.

A perfectly good wife, I snapped her like a twig.

-Keep that to yourself. -I... Murray!

-Murray. -[THUD]

There's no mouse.

Get a pig. Much smarter than a dog.

Yeah. Mark, thank you.

Oh, please. It's what I do.

-Are you going uptown? -Yeah. I'll get us a cab.

-OK. Are you going to be okay? -I'm fine.

-Should I carry you? -No. This is a good position.

By the time you get home, I'll probably be up and around.

Alright.

You know what? I'm going to get you a surprise treat.

No, don't get a surprise treat.

Get the translator to City Hall, get the pills and come home.

-I'll get you a surprise. -Don't get me anything.

It's the least I can do, considering what I done.

Nobody home. Want to sign for a package?

Uh... sure.

-Is she all right? -What?

Oh, yeah. She just hurt her back.

What happened?

-Well, it's the darnedest thing. -Paul.

I kid with you.

-You have sex on the floor? -Shh, shh, shh.

Not all the time. It's just the way it happened.

Hey! Come on. Sign in for this.

I don't need glasses. My eyes are fine.

I know that. It's just the DMV, they're being sticklers.

They're all on the take.

Whatever.

-Excuse me. -Yes?

-We're here for the 10:30. -The doctor's running behind.

That's not good. My son has a lot to do.

Ah! Good for him.

I got it all under control.

Here, take a seat, fill out these forms.

All right. Thank you very much.

Come on, let's do this.

I'll ask you some questions, and don't be lying to me.

So now, here we are. All right,

"Have you ever had any of the following...

-"Asthma"? -Yes.

-"Arrhythmia"? -Yes.

-"Botulism"? -Yes.

-You had botulism? -Yes.

You're down here all day. What do you do?

Hey. Stamps.

"Tinnitus"?

Is that ringing in the ears?

-Yes. -Yes.

-"Whooping cough"? -Yes.

That is unbelievable. You have had everything.

-See how you do at my age. -I'm going to get them all.

-How was neuralgia, pleasant? -Not bad.

MAN: [ON TV] Pepperoni in the crust.

Succulent shrimp...

Now only $1.49.

Go make me a sandwich.

Dogs can do it. I saw it on 60 Minutes.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hi. We're out. Leave a message. We'll call back.

Hi Jamie. It's Pamela, in the Mayor's office.

Confirming you're picking up Professor Gittleson

-at the Tisch Complex. -Don't hang up.

He's a slight gentleman with wire-rim glasses.

He should be waiting directly out front.

[DIAL TONE]

Hey.

Cheesecake.

Are we almost done?

Uh... last one. Have you ever had zinc deficiency?

Yes.

-You know what? -What?

You may be dead.

A little chalky, isn't it?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Who is it? -What?

JAMIE: Who is it?

-I'm sorry? -Can I help you?

You signed for a parcel.

[SWALLOWS] A parcel?

A parcel, yes. A cheesecake from England.

-We have no parcel. -Must I talk with the door?

Yes. There's measles.

I shall have my parcel.

No, you shan't, you British freak.

PAUL: How long to check eyes?

It's better like this or like that.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Sit down. You're staying. I promised Mom.

I'm just thinking of your appointments.

Alright. You know what? I got it all under control.

I'll make a phone call. Can I use your phone?

[PHONE RINGS]

Buchman's Sporting Goods.

-Hey, Splinky, it's me. -Hey, Paulie.

What's that bakery you took me to once?

-What bakery? -Where they had those...

...chocolate-dipped strawberries.

Remember those strawberries?

-Yeah! That's why I'm calling.-Unbelievable strawberries.

-I want to get some for Jamie. -What did you do wrong?

I didn't do anything wrong. I did something well.

-What does that mean? -Tell you later.

-No, but tell me now. -I'll tell you later.

-All right, you big baby. -Very good.

-So, uh, this bakery... -Yeah?

...what's the name of it?

Sorry, I don't know the name. I just know where it is.

-Where is it? -It's in Little Italy.

-Where? -I don't know. On that street.

What's the name of that street?

-PAUL: Carmine? -No.

-Thompson? -IRA: No.

-Jane Street. -No.

-PAUL: Mulberry? -No.

Hang on. Uh, Dr. Mandel's office.

Uh...

Tuesday, 1:40. That's good.

No, I'm writing it down. OK.

And, uh, don't rub it.

You won't tell me the name of the street?

It's not even a street.

It's a little alley that winds around.

It's better if I just show you.

-Burt Buchman! -Hey! That's me!

OK. Look. I got to go. Meet me at NYU.

I got to meet this guy at the Tisch Complex. Bye.

Line three's got a little pink eye.

-Pop, listen. -Oh! You're gonna go?

I'll swing back and pick you up.

You do your things and pick me up.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

-Wish me luck. -Good luck.

Remember, the first letter, it's always "E."

-"E." -Bye.

You Professor Gittleson?

Are you Professor Gittleson? Sorry.

You're not Professor Gittleson, are you?

-IRA: Hey! -Hey, here you are.

Alright, so... come on, show me strawberries.

I thought you were meeting this guy.

He's late. Actually, I'm early.

I sprinted 11 blocks. Not even out of breath.

-You're quite a man, Paulie. -I know.

-Talk to my wife about that. -What's that supposed to mean?

We'll get some strawberries, then, boom, we'll come back,

deliver translator boy,

pick up my pop, then take care of my wife.

-What's wrong with her? -Nothing.

What?

-She hurt her back. -Doing what?

[CHUCKLES] The darnedest thing.

[TV] Got milk?

Oh, milk.

WOMAN: [ON TV] Water from the finest cool mountain springs.

Ice-cold beer.

If you were Lassie, you'd get me a beer.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

PAUL: Hi. We're out. Leave a message. We'll call back.

-[GRUNTING] -[BEEP]

LISA: Jamie, where are you?

Pick up. Pick up!

I said pick up!

Fine.

I just got out of therapy, and I'm angry at you.

Yeah, I need this.

♪ I'm so thirsty And I'm in a lot of pain ♪

♪ I'm so thirsty

Ahh.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, come on.

Hey. There he is. You all ready to go there?

Come on, Jan Murray. Come on, Murray Slaughter.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hello! Nat!

-Young man. -Yes, ma'am. How are you doing?

Fine. There's a package in there for me.

-It's a cheesecake from England. -Wow.

Would you mind getting it for me?

Oh, boy. I'm real sorry,

but that's just outside the parameters of my duties,

as I understand them at the present time.

But you have the key.

I consider it to be a sacred trust.

The Buchmans were kind enough to bestow this upon me,

and to violate that just to retrieve a dessert item...

Boy, I don't know.

Is English your first language?

Yes, ma'am. My first, and God willing, my last.

Fine.

OK. Come on, Murray Antoinette. Come on, Murray Osmond.

Now I need to be walked.

Taxi?

I just can't.

[SQUEAKING]

The mouse!

There really is a mouse.

Ooh. There really is a mouse.

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

Excuse me, sir.

-Ah, buon giorno. -Buon giorno.Hi.

-Can I help you? -Well, I hope so.

Do you have chocolate-dipped strawberries?

Chocolate-dipped strawberries.

Yeah, I have to make amends with my wife. Funny story.

Brilliant choice!

-I'll tell you the story later. -I do them in five minutes.

-My specialty. -Oh, really? Five minutes?

Five minutes. A little strawberry, a little chocolate.

Five minutes.

-All right. -Five minutes.

No, I said, "All right".

[LAUGHING]

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

I'd marry her right now just based on that conversation.

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

There's 12 on the wall already.

Scrape 'em off, put 'em in a box.

Five minutes.

It's been 25 minutes already.

-What's five minutes mean? -Half an hour.

Tell me again, how do you say "postage stamp"?

Francobollo.

-Francobollo. -Boll-o.

Boll-o. Francobollo.

Is that not beautiful?

Makes you want to send mail all over the place.

-How we doing? -[CURSES IN ITALIAN]

Five minutes.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

BURT: The doctor said the drops will wear off in a half hour.

Ah! I can't believe he left you there.

Maybe he was there and I didn't see him.

When you can't see, you live by your wits.

You're reduced to a state of nature.

-How'd you get home? -I called a cab.

-How do the blind do it? -They have better children.

All right, Bill Murray.

All right, Murray-lu Henner.

Nat. Murray.

[NAT SHOUTS]

Could you come in here? I'm in the bedroom.

-Ms. Buchman? -Hey, Nat.

-NAT: Hey. -Hi.

You doing, calisthenics, morning calisthenics?

Um...

No. Actually, I threw my back out.

You all right? Can I help you up?

-No, no, no. -What if I very gingerly...

I'm in a pretty good position here.

What I need is, um...

Is what? What do you need, ma'am?

I'm sort of desperate to, uh...

I really need to...

Oh, I see where you're headed here.

Well, you know, so I allay your trepidations here,

I am three credits shy of being certified as a nurse...

a male nurse, I might add...

which means I'm qualified to help you out

with whatever you might wish to do in here,

with the exception of whatever they cover

in those last three credits, of course.

Actually, I'm fine.

Well, you make the call, Mrs. Buchman.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[BODY THUDS] JAMIE: Ow!

[JAMIE GRUNTING]

Hello.

Lisa, is that really you?

Yah.

Thank God. Will you help me? I threw my back out.

Hand me my blanket, will you?

It's always about you, isn't it?

I'm in pain.

[MIMICKING JAMIE]: I'm in pain. I can't move.

I'm on the floor. Ow! Ow!

Please. My therapist said you're the reason for all my pain.

She says that every week. Hand me a pillow.

Yeah, but this time, I really got it.

Good for you. Just hand me a blanket and pillow.

What do you have to say?

-I'm sorry. It's all my fault. -Ha!

-What? -She said you'd say that.

Lisa, I've been crawling on this floor for five hours.

And now I need to take a nap.

Will you please get me a warm blanket and pillow?

Lisa!

Please get me a warm blanket who?

Remember when we were kids,

I'd sit on you and make you call me...

That's right. It begins with a "P."

-Prin... -Princess Lisa.

Please help me, Princess Lisa.

That's very good. Go on. Princess Lisa...

The most beautiful Stemple girl in the world.

-Or any other world. -Fine.

Very good. That wasn't very hard, was it?

[HUMMING]

Here you go, little sweet angel.

Professor Gittleson!

Professor Gittleson!

You Professor Gittleson?

It's not funny anymore.

I think we lost the professor.

How is he not here? We're just... We're only...

...fifty-two minutes late?

-Sure you got the right place? -Yeah, the Tisch Complex.

-Not the Tisch Building? -Tisch Complex. I asked.

There's also a Tisch Annex.

-Say Tisch one more time and... -I'm just trying to help.

What do we do now?

I wouldn't mind going back to the bakery.

-Jamie's going to kill me. -Give her the strawberries.

I didn't do the thing she asked me to do.

There's nobody else who can do this translating?

There's no one on this continent who speaks this language.

[CHO SPEAKING CHINESE DIALECT]

The sky...

...and all around, the sky...

...mostly blue.

And... and... and my car, my automobile...

And the car of my mom...

...uh... goes fast...

Mee yau.

...like a cat.

Haven't heard from her...

[CHO SPEAKING CHINESE]

Uh, all the leaves, all the leaves are... brown.

And the sky is gray.

Uh, as are the nipples.

PAUL: Here. Have a strawberry.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

We starve in our hearts.

Isn't it always the same, huh?

Even... even...

A sissy boy...

Eating his mashed potatoes alone in his room...

...spits on statues of famous people.

And on others, others as well.

The Germans did so much good, too.

Young and old.

That you could just cry.