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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello and welcome to QI.
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Tonight we're in topsy-turvy turmoil
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as we tackle thrills and spills.
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And here to spill the beans
are the thrilling Nish Kumar...
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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..the titillating Suzi Ruffell...
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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..the tantalising Mark Steel...
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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..and, tickle my fancy,
it's Alan Davies.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Right, please keep your hands
and arms inside the vehicle
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at all times as Nish goes...
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SYNTH VOICE: # Down and up and down
and up and down and up and down... #
LAUGHTER
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..Suzi goes...
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STEADY POP BEAT PLAYS
# Up. And down
Up. And down
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# Up. And down
Up. And down... #
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LAUGHTER
..Mark goes...
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MUSIC: Upside Down by Diana Ross
# I said upside down
You're turning me
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# You're giving love
Instinctively... #
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LAUGHTER
..Alan goes...
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MUSIC: Dizzy by Tommy Roe
# You're making me dizzy... #
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RETCHING
SPLATTERING
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Right, then. Question one.
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LAUGHTER
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Which is the most thrilling
part of a theme park?
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Well, when you don't die, isn't it?
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Yeah. I never die,
as I only ever do the thing
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with the hook and get the duck
with the number on it.
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Is that because you're not
tall enough for the rides?
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Yes.
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I can't imagine why people
are thrilled at all.
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The thrill for me would
just be driving past it.
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We're talking about roller-coasters,
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and your thrill level
over the course of a roller-coaster
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reaches its peak moment
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when you're first strapped
into the seat.
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Oh. So really you could
just get out then. Really?
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Yes, that's the moment.
It's all over at that point.
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It's the thrill of anticipation.
It's that moment when you think...
SANDI GASPS
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Have you been on The Big One, Sandi?
I beg your pardon?
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There's a massive one in Blackpool.
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About 20 years ago I was
filming something in Manchester
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and I tried to get some people
to come from the local crew
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and none of them would come. And
that should have told me something.
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It's absolutely terrifying.
And you think you're going to die.
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You're absolutely certain
you're going to die.
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It feels like, well, one day
there'll be the final ride.
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Yeah. Why not this one?
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You go over it
and the kid next to me
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who's been on it loads of times,
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when we went down
about the fifth bend, he said
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he'd tell me when to smile
and he went, "Now!"
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And we went like that
and then the thing went flash!
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And I've got a keyring of me...
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I've never seen him since,
of course.
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Me and this lad who was about 14,
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going, "Ah!"
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NISH: You have given someone
an anecdote for their entire lives
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that they've been
dining out on since that,
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because there's a 14-year-old boy
who presumably now
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is, like, in his, like, late 20s,
early 30s, who's like,
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"I've got a key ring with me
and Jonathan Creek."
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Either that or he's watching this
now, going,
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"That's the bloke
from the roller-coaster!"
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No, "That's the bloke
from my keyring!"
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"That's weird.
What's he doing on there?!"
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But there's a guy called
Professor Brendan Walker
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at Middlesex University, he's
the world's only thrill engineer,
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and he has done studies about
what people's responses are
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to these huge vertical drops.
So he measures them.
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And the level of excitement
when you're on the ride
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is only ever about 80%
of the peak that you hit
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when you put the seatbelt on.
Two things he was looking for
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is looking for level of arousal
and level of pleasure.
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And apparently -
and I think we all know this -
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not always the same thing.
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So they... I'm like that
in a baker's.
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So true, isn't it?
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You just think, "Ooh!"
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You never like a nice slice more
than when you first see it. Yeah.
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Yeah. There's one at
Alton Towers, isn't there,
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where you go along in
a kind of wide sort of car
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and then it stops
and you think, "Oh..."
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There's no track in front of you,
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and then it tips you forward
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and then it hangs you
over a hole. Yeah.
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Oblivion. Oblivion.
Hangs you over a hole. Yeah.
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And if you sit in the cafe,
which is nearby,
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and you can see the thing go and tip
and then you hear...
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ALAN SCREAMS
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So you're having your lunch
and about every three minutes...
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ALAN SCREAMS
Just down into the hole.
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Well, this guy who
is the thrill engineer,
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he worked out that
the calorific value expended
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on a roller-coaster ride due to,
you know,
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you've got an increased heart rate
and you're sweating and so on,
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is equivalent to
a single chip shop chip.
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Oh. I was hoping you were
going to say, like,
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a spin class. Yeah...
I could've been like,
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"Let's cut the record.
Let's get to Alton Towers."
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Let's go straight to EuroDisney.
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I remember taking
my children to Disney
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and my four-year-old met Pluto.
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Now, Pluto is played by
a 6ft tall man, OK?
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And there's a mesh... What?!
Well... He's not...?
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Oh. Huh?! It's not a talking dog?
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Well, there's a mesh
where you can see his face.
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He's 6ft tall and he comes over
and he talks to my daughter.
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She pats him like that.
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And then she said as he left,
she said, "That's not a real dog."
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And I said... "How could you tell?"
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She said, "His nose wasn't wet."
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LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
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When I was at school
and Mr Blobby was at his heyday...
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Ah. Those were the days, eh?
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..one of my friends
had a little brother
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and for his birthday his dad
dressed up as Mr Blobby,
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had the mesh thing,
but it was in his mouth,
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and the little boy lost his shit
and was like...
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SUZI GASPS
"Blobby's eaten Dad!"
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A quick supplementary question.
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Why might it be good to go on
a ride with a lot of jerks?
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Ooh. Is it because a bit of
the point, a bit of the seat
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goes up your butt
and that feels nice?
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I'm going to go with
that's a personal fantasy, Nish.
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There are roller-coaster architects,
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and speed is not
necessarily the thing.
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Acceleration is more important,
but it's the changes of speed.
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Cos it makes your heart go...
Yeah, absolutely.
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So if it accelerates and then
suddenly accelerates a bit more,
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that's called a jerk. And that
apparently is the thing
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that makes you
even more kind of...upset.
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I was on the Ghost Train once and it
went wrong, it actually broke down,
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almost as if it was run by
Southern Rail, and...
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Yeah, "There will be a skeleton
replacement service..."
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And...
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And the bloke did come through,
"Yeah, sorry, er...
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SNIFFS
"Er, yeah, you'll
all have to get out."
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And we had to just walk through
and push the doors open and then,
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"Who-hoo-hoo!" and all,
just walking through.
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It's not quite the same, is it?
It wasn't quite the same, no.
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I was once on a ghost walk thing
with my dad,
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and there were all these,
there were all these pictures of,
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like, famous serial killers
around this, like, haunted house.
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And then we got to the one
with the guy in the Scream mask,
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and he flinched,
and it wasn't a picture.
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And then the guy
climbed out of the picture frame
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and my dad ran,
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kicked open the emergency exit...
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Just like...
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SUZI VOCALISES DOOR BASHING
Like that.
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And we found him in the gift shop.
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Did he not even take you with him?
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No! Gone? Just gone?
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Aww... He was like,
"I'm going to start a new life."
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You're always safe in a gift shop.
They never go in the gift shop.
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The best bit of a roller-coaster
is the beginning,
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and it's all downhill from there.
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AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER
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Describe a really dangerous
trumpet, please.
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Is it going to be
an instrument trumpet
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or is it going to
be a trumpet flower
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or a trumpet frog or something?
Yes. It's a flower.
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Absolutely right. Oh...
A lethal one?
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A lethal flower. Yeah, if you
eat any of it, you're a goner.
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Do you know about this?
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I've heard of them.
They're quite pretty to look at.
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Very pretty.
It's called the Angel's Trumpet.
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It's a flower that's native
to Central and South America.
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Oh, look at it. It's stunning.
Isn't it pretty? It's deadly.
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I mean, it's a beautiful...
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Go out the fire exit, Suze!
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Go to the gift shop!
Run! Run for your life!
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Imagine him at Kew Gardens.
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There is a place in Alnwick
in Northumberland...
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Yep. The Poison Garden in Alnwick.
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The Poison Garden!
Oh, it's a magnificent place.
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And there's this marvellously
sort of officious woman
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who takes you around.
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And she's one of
these sort of guides -
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"Right. Now, assemble here.
Whatever you do,
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don't do anything
unless I tell you to do it
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because if you touch
something and it's poisonous,
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then you'll end up dead and it will
jolly well be your own fault, OK?
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I would recommend it.
Definitely. The Poison Garden.
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Well, so, the owner of
the Poison Garden in Alnwick Castle
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has described this particular flower
as "an amazing aphrodisiac,
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"before it kills you." Wow!
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And there were Victorian women
who would keep Angel's trumpets
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and they would tip a little bit
of the pollen into their tea,
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it would induce a sort
of LSD kind of trip,
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even though it was rather risky.
And those who did take it,
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who died, before they died,
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they possibly succumbed
first of all to sexual excitement,
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then restlessness,
then overtalkative,
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then aggressive behaviour,
convulsive sobbing, psychosis,
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intense dream experiences.
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Like Glastonbury, isn't it?
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There's a story about a young man
who amputated his own tongue
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and penis after drinking
just one cup of tea
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infused with Angel's trumpet.
What? Oh...
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Did the tongue,
and not content with that...
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I know! Went for something bigger -
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or presumably bigger.
I wouldn't know.
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00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,040
Now, why is it a good idea
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00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,360
to make a pensioner
walk the tightrope?
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00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,560
To cut state spending.
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APPLAUSE
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00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,280
New scheme based on the Squid Game.
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00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,960
And, you know, they've had it easy,
haven't they, for too long?
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00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,920
But genuinely,
it is a medical thing.
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00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,120
And why might it be good
for pensioners?
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00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:26,840
NISH: Helping their balance?
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00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:31,880
So, it's a really good way to detect
early muscle degradation.
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Is the way that you detect it
them falling to their death?
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00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,120
Yeah, I think.
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Come on, Grandma!
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00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,040
Yeah, "Oh...
Yeah. Muscle degradation." Yeah.
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God, that's the 15th today!
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00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,800
If you think about tightrope
walking, so it involves
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00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,160
much more muscle control,
coordination and strength
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00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,480
than walking on solid ground,
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00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,520
so it can reveal potential issues
that ordinary walking can't.
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00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,840
Now, clearly, what you do is
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00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,360
you don't do it very high up.
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But by doing this, geriatric
health care professionals
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00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,920
can check and see whether
they're unsteady in any way.
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00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,200
In fact, they use a thing
called a force plate.
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00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,720
It has the same sort of effect
as walking on a tightrope.
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00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,400
But one of the best things
you can do to ward off dementia,
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00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,720
not the top thing,
but one of the things you can do
236
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,960
is to work on your balance.
And so it's recommended that
237
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,160
while you're brushing your teeth,
you stand on one leg
238
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,840
and it just keeps reminding you
to keep your balance at all times.
239
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,240
Does it work with other
circus things, like lion taming?
240
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:26,640
Yeah, lion taming...
Lion taming, juggling...
241
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,560
But here is a sort of strange thing.
242
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:32,000
So there is a village
called Tsovkra in Dagestan
243
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,280
and every able-bodied person
in this village
244
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,000
can walk the tightrope.
245
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,520
So that is curious, isn't it?
What? Yeah, every single one.
246
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,400
It's about a 100-year-old tradition
247
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,600
and nobody's really sure
how it started.
248
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:47,640
It's rumoured that it was a shortcut
so that villagers could
249
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,400
go and court potential lovers
on the other side of a ravine.
250
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,520
Always a motivation.
251
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,760
Yes, that'll do it. Yeah.
252
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,680
"We're going to the other side
of the ravine."
253
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:55,840
"How are we getting there?
254
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:56,880
Yeah.
255
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,720
"Don't worry.
I've got a real horn on,
256
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,280
"so I won't need the big stick."
257
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,920
Every single one of
the village's children
258
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,560
study tightrope walking at school.
259
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,840
It's a whole village that
can tightrope walk. What?!
260
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,280
Is it anything to do with altitude?
261
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,120
No, it's just literally
trying to get about.
262
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,360
I think cos they're on top
of a hill, they think,
263
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,480
"How're we gonna get down
from here? Oh, I know."
264
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,320
Haven't they heard
about roly-polys?
265
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,640
There's another village
in Turkmenistan
266
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,720
where they all do roly-polys.
267
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,680
Grade 3... They go to
the next village... Yep?
268
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,000
..and there's a bridge.
269
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,360
They're all like, "Oh..."
270
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,280
"What d'you call that?"
"It's a bridge!"
271
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,360
"Bloody hell.
That's a brilliant idea."
272
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,800
Right. Moving on...
273
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:41,040
You've all got beside you
a loo-roll holder like this.
274
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,920
I want you to put it
on your right-hand side,
275
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,720
imagine you're sitting
on the lavatory,
276
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,920
and I want you to tell me which way
do you correctly hang the loo roll?
277
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,880
Do you hang it this way -
very controversial -
278
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,840
or do you hang it...?
So, imagine the wall is here, OK?
279
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,480
Oh... Do you hang it?
NISH: You gotta hang it this way.
280
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,640
Why? Why have you got
to hang it that way?
281
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,480
Just because, like, otherwise
282
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:02,920
you're a godless prick.
283
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,360
APPLAUSE
284
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,520
That'd be a fantastic religion,
Nish.
285
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,760
The only commandment,
"Thou shalt hang the toilet paper
286
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,720
"down from the left-hand side."
287
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,080
So, the toilet-roll holder
was invented by an American engineer
288
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,400
called Seth Wheeler in 1891.
289
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,720
And you can see from his patent
that he has made a decision
290
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:30,920
and it goes this way.
291
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,600
The truth is, there are advantages
to both ways of doing it.
292
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,880
So if the loose end hangs
in the front, it's easier to grab.
293
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:41,360
But if you hang it the other way
around, there is less chance of,
294
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:45,080
I don't know, a child or a cat
or indeed yourself
295
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,880
accidentally unravelling the roll.
296
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,200
I always used to think
it should be at the back,
297
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,320
and then in recent years
I've changed. I've gone front.
298
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:53,680
You've gone to the front?
Yeah. Well, what you could've done
299
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:57,160
is you could've installed something
called a Tilt-A-Roll. Oh, yeah?
300
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,960
A Tilt-A-Roll was invented
in 1999 and the holder swivels,
301
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,240
and you can orientate
the paper as you please.
302
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,720
Wow.
303
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,960
I have, I have a toilet-roll butler.
304
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,280
Just...
305
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,160
Just stands there, and let him
just hand me, you know...
306
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,400
Give you a little sheet.
"From your expression, sir,
307
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,120
"I would say that's four sheets
that you'll be wanting."
308
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,080
I've got a doubler with
a magazine rack underneath.
309
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,720
Wow. That's horrible.
That's Jonathan Creek money.
310
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,800
SUZI: Yeah.
311
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,040
'90s, innit?
312
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,200
Cha-ching.
313
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,920
People actually think...
I've got a bidet in my house
314
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,760
and people say that you're posh.
315
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,240
Like it's some sort of...
Washing your arse is posh?
316
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,920
..act of social climbing.
317
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,280
Sometimes paper just won't do it.
No!
318
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,000
Won't shift it.
319
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,640
Here he is. Jonathan CRACK.
320
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,560
APPLAUSE
321
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,080
You need some hot, soapy water.
322
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,840
Have you tried those Japanese
toilets that wash your arse for you?
323
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,240
Oh, my... Oh! That is the greatest
thing that has ever happened to me
324
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:04,760
in my entire... I saw God the first
time I used a Japanese toilet.
325
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,680
It's... Oh, it's...
326
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:07,720
Oh, God.
327
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,000
Just thinking about it now
is giving me a semi.
328
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,640
Is it powerful? It's basically
calling a drone strike
329
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,680
on your own hole.
330
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,040
So is it like a jet wash
at the garage?
331
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,160
Yeah. Yeah.
332
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,480
And you know how much fun they are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are.
333
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,880
Has it got five sort of...
334
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,240
Has it got a cycle of all
the foamy stuff...
335
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,520
You can do the heat.
336
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:27,880
I'll do the Platinum Supreme.
337
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,800
I want my hubcaps buffed.
338
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,280
SUZI: Wax on, wax off.
That's what happens.
339
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,800
But I still don't understand,
what does it do?
340
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,720
It washes your arse, like, there's
a jet of water that comes out
341
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,680
and you can aim it
and control the temperature
342
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,040
and control the force of it.
343
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,600
And honestly, I...
344
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,600
You could eat dinner
off my arsehole.
345
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,000
Anyway, moving on...
346
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,880
What can you do with 20 tonnes
of unwanted hair trimmings?
347
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,800
Make an awful sandwich.
348
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,280
Make wigs?
349
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,520
Well, it's an astonishing story,
really.
350
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,800
It's used to clean up oil spills.
351
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,240
What? Yeah.
352
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,560
So the idea came from
a hairstylist in Alabama,
353
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,240
a guy called Phil McCrory,
and he was watching the news -
354
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,400
I don't know if you can remember
the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill -
355
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,360
and he saw how difficult
it was for volunteers to clean
356
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,960
the fur of otters that
were matted with oil.
357
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,600
And he's watching this
and he thought,
358
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,160
if animal fur can trap the oil,
359
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,080
then I wonder if human hair
could do the same.
360
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,480
So what he did is
he conducted an experiment.
361
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,560
He poured oil, motor oil
into his son's paddling pool
362
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,400
and then he stuffed his salon's hair
trimmings into his wife's stockings.
363
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,880
And those things that he made,
these kind of hair booms,
364
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:41,000
it's still made the same way today
with nylon tights and cable ties.
365
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,600
There they are. It's a fantastic way
to clean up oil spills.
366
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,680
It's also a great way to recycle
all the hair cuttings.
367
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,560
And in fact, until 2021,
368
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,120
when 550 salons
in the UK and Ireland
369
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,440
signed up to donate spare hair
370
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,400
to oil spills, 99% of the cuttings
went into landfill,
371
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,760
but now the leftover hair
is used to clean up oil.
372
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,960
Do you not think that's so clever?
Incredible. Yeah.
373
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,960
It's just brilliant. Now, hair...
Someone wants to applaud.
374
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,480
Is it a hairdresser?
375
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,200
APPLAUSE
376
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,040
So here's a supplementary question.
377
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:15,040
Hair is so good at taking up the oil
because it's very...
378
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,640
NISH: Hairy.
379
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,760
Oh, no, it's not absorbent, is it?
380
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,800
That's... Did you say absorbent?
KLAXON
381
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,000
No. Ooh. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
382
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,000
OK, it's not ab-sorbent,
it's ad-sorbent.
383
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,160
Oh, I'm adsorbent.
384
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,840
What it means, rather than sucking
the oil in, it sits on top...
385
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,040
What's the word again?
Adsorbent.
386
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,120
Oh, I said that.
It's just my accent.
387
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,320
It sits on top of the hair
and covers the entire surface area,
388
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,000
rather than being sucked
into the hair,
389
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,160
so it doesn't absorb it.
390
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,920
And there's now a charity called
Matter Of Trust
391
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,040
and they co-ordinate donations
of hair and wool
392
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,200
and so on from salons
and pet groomers and farmers.
393
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,400
And they specifically ask
only for head hair.
394
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,040
Gonna put that out there.
395
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,000
That's a real shame,
cos I'll be honest with you...
396
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,680
..the hair and face
is just the beginning.
397
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,880
Oh, really?
398
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,960
I could clean up a few oil spills,
if you know what I mean.
399
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,000
Could we keep it on Nish' body
and just sort of...
400
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,440
Grab his feet.
I'm here, everyone! Relax!
401
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,080
Send some hairy people in -
402
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,320
"Swim! Swim!
403
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,160
"Until you can swim no more."
404
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:23,720
Right.
405
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,160
You have glasses of water
next to you.
406
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,720
I want you to pop your finger
in your glass of water
407
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,120
and tell me if it feels wet to you.
408
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,880
Uh-oh. Is this going to make me wee?
409
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,680
What d'you reckon, Mark? Feel wet?
410
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,240
Yeah, it feels wet. Did you say yes?
411
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,600
Yeah. What?
KLAXON
412
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:44,560
Here's the thing.
413
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:48,160
Human beings can't technically
feel wet at all.
414
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,800
Oh... So if you think you are
detecting wetness on your skin,
415
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,720
what you're actually feeling is
a change in temperature and texture.
416
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,040
Other animals like spiders
and insects and so on,
417
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,200
they have hygro receptors,
so sensors in the skin
418
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:02,000
that tells you if something is wet
or not. And we don't have that.
419
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,120
If you're blindfolded and you fall
in a swimming pool... Yep?
420
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,440
..you'd think...
421
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,800
You'd just think, "Oh, I've landed
in a skip full of rubble."
422
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,520
"Oh, my God, it's colder
than I expected,
423
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,240
"and therefore it's wet."
424
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,800
It's a perceptual illusion.
425
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,360
You're exactly right. It's a change
of temperature and touch,
426
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,680
and we have receptors for that.
427
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,760
We just don't have receptors for
saying, "Oh, my goodness, it's wet."
428
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,040
So, you know that thing if you try,
I don't know,
429
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,880
to take laundry in
on a chilly evening
430
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:31,960
and the T-shirt is still damp?
431
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,520
Mm-hmm? Yeah. Or is it just cold?
432
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,240
Yes. This is the point.
What about when you wee yourself?
433
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,000
I mean, that... That feels wet.
434
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,080
That does feel wet.
435
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:41,120
No, it feels...
436
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,080
It feels warm.
437
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,280
Some skin receptors are
also triggered by menthol,
438
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:47,520
so the chemical in mint,
439
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,680
and that's why that gives us
an illusion of coldness.
440
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,200
So drinking cold water after
brushing your teeth, for example,
441
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,800
with minty toothpaste. Yeah, that
shower gel with the tea tree in it.
442
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,000
Ooh, yeah. Ooh.
443
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,880
That's like a party
for the body, isn't it?
444
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,800
It really is, but sometimes you use
a little too much, don't you?
445
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,200
Just don't put that in your bidet.
446
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,920
Woo!
447
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,120
Oh, yeah. You could really
ruin someone's Japanese toilet.
448
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:14,520
Unscrew the top.
Little bit of that in there.
449
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,280
ALAN SCREAMS
450
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,360
Nish would love it.
451
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:18,520
I'd love it. Yeah.
452
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,920
Would that touch God?
453
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,960
You can't feel Wet Wet Wet
in your fingers and your toes.
454
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,440
AUDIENCE GROANS
455
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,760
But you can feel
if Love Is All Around.
456
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,760
How could you make a trapeze
more terrifying?
457
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,000
Put loads of those trumpet flowers
underneath it.
458
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,520
That would do it.
459
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,600
Wouldn't it?
Or a Japanese toilet?
460
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,840
Yes. Underneath.
461
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,880
So, this is turn of
the 20th century.
462
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,840
We're talking about
a particular stunt.
463
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:50,680
So you might choose to strap
your trapeze to a hot-air balloon.
464
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:51,800
What? Yeah.
465
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,880
So the turn of the 20th century,
there were stunt performers,
466
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:59,800
and they combined ballooning,
trapezing and parachuting
467
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,960
into a single act.
468
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,040
Right?
469
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:06,080
They did acrobatics on a trapeze
attached to a parachute
470
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,760
hanging from a hot-air balloon
thousands of feet in the air.
471
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,720
Then they'd cut loose
from the balloon,
472
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,400
still on the trapeze,
with the parachute attached
473
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,080
and then hopefully it would open
as you came back down to Earth.
474
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:20,080
Hopefully. Yeah. Well...
Was there a sort of little point
475
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,280
where, as you were falling,
it went...
476
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,960
..and if you were really clever,
you did it at the right time,
477
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,240
you ended up on a keyring?
478
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,320
I have to tell you about
this particular stunt.
479
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:32,800
Fatalities were common.
480
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,280
Not a phrase you want
to hear, is it?
481
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,200
It's the same as being
a stand-up comic.
482
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,400
But I tell you this to introduce you
to a marvellous entertainer
483
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,800
who was called Dolly Shepherd.
She was an amazing woman.
484
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,280
She was carrying out
a double jump in 1908
485
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:51,040
when her partner
Louie May's parachute failed,
486
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,360
and she was hanging
from a trapeze at 11,000 feet
487
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,200
and she swung over
to her friend's trapeze,
488
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,960
who was, she was hanging from
the same balloon, and grabbed it
489
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,120
and she got Louie
to wrap her legs around her.
490
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,040
And they both descended
on Dolly's parachute.
491
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:05,280
And the heavy landing
paralysed Dolly,
492
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,000
and they said
she would never walk again.
493
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,840
Four months later,
she was back skydiving.
494
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,280
I think it's outrageous
that WE'RE called entertainers,
495
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,080
and that's what they did.
496
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:15,920
I just think she's
so worth knowing about.
497
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,520
During one jump, she nearly landed
on an express train,
498
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:20,920
but the driver,
with some forethought,
499
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:24,880
puffed the steam on his engine
and blew her into a ditch.
500
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:26,080
Just...puff!
501
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,720
Was she a cartoon?
502
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,280
Yes, she does sound
like the Road Runner.
503
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,000
Yeah, yeah. There was another one
where she used to run
504
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,160
off the edge of a cliff
and dangle her...
505
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,560
And she lived to the age of 96,
died in 1983,
506
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:46,520
and flew with the famous
Red Devils Parachute Troop
507
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,240
to celebrate her 90th birthday.
508
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,840
Oh, wow! I just love that.
I know. It's just so wonderful.
509
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,520
We should pay tribute to her.
Right, after that thrilling ride,
510
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,720
we're crashing back down to
terra firma with a round
511
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,920
of General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
512
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:02,200
What do the Germans call those big
mugs of beer that they drink from?
513
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,280
SYNTH VOICE: # Down. Up and down. #
514
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:05,440
Is it a Stein?
515
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,640
KLAXON
Yeah.
516
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,960
If you asked a German shopkeeper
for a Stein,
517
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,240
they wouldn't really know.
518
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,360
It's what the English call
the German beer mugs.
519
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,520
It is not what the Germans call it.
Oh. Oh.
520
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,000
They call it Humpen, or Krug.
521
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,280
Easy for you to say.
522
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,320
Yeah.
523
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,080
So Stein means stone, basically,
524
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,240
and it's the ceramic ware
that the stuff is made of.
525
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,760
But it's not what they call it.
526
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,640
But a Humpen or a Krug is made
from all sorts of materials.
527
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:32,720
But it has a handle
and sometimes a lid.
528
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,320
You don't have to be Ein-stein
529
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,920
to know Germans don't call
a beer mug...
AUDIENCE GROANS
530
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:41,440
Don't listen to them, Sandi.
I thought it was very good.
531
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,800
I... You lot. Next time, Pointless.
532
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,280
That's where you...
533
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,160
If you're not appreciating this...
534
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,360
APPLAUSE
535
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,200
You don't have to be Einstein
to know Germans
536
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,960
don't call a beer mug ein Stein.
537
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,960
20 points if you can tell me
the country
538
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,120
where snowboarding was invented.
539
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,640
Oh, well, it's going
to be some wacky shit
540
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,560
because that's,
this show just loves a,
541
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,160
"Ooh, here's the obvious answer."
542
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,200
IMITATES KLAXON
543
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,320
So I'll say Egypt.
544
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,120
APPLAUSE
545
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:24,240
Yeah. Down the Pyramids.
546
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,480
No, it's a particular village
in Turkey.
547
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,000
It is... What? Turkey?
548
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,640
Yeah. Mesekoy, it's called.
549
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,520
And it's in the Kachar mountains.
550
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,400
OK? There it is on the map.
551
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,560
So, this village
used to be called Petran.
552
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,440
And the story goes that there was
a boy who was given the job
553
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,480
of cleaning his father's prayer mat
554
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,320
and he realised that if you placed
the mat on a snowy slope,
555
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,560
he could glide, and a hobby took off
in this particular village.
556
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,440
What? The problem was he crashed
into a bloke on a tightrope.
557
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,000
But the Petran board has got
a string on the front to help
558
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,280
with steering and balance
and they'd mould the wood
559
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,560
using the steam from a kettle
560
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,440
and then they'd put cow fat
on the bottom.
561
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:01,960
And apparently it's fantastic.
562
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,800
The only thing is
it's sort of dying out
563
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,240
because the kids of the village now
don't think it's cool.
564
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,080
Wow. They're not really
doing it any more.
565
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,720
It's SNOW joke...
566
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,760
AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER
567
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,520
Snowboarding was originally
a Turkish delight.
568
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:19,560
Er...
569
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,760
AUDIENCE GROANS
570
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,240
No, no, you're trying
to build up your part now.
571
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:27,800
OK.
572
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,560
When did almond milk
become so bloody popular?
573
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,600
When we found their nipples.
574
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,560
APPLAUSE
575
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:44,840
Oh, it's either going to be 2015,
or the year 2000 BC.
576
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,920
Which are we going to go for?
577
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,360
Is it a recent thing
or is it an old thing?
578
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:52,400
Really old. It is really old.
It's gonna be really old. Well old.
579
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,920
We have been replacing dairy
with almond milk
580
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,560
since at least the 12th century.
What?! I was going to say that.
581
00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,160
12th century, would've been my
guess.
582
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,640
At least the 12th century. Yeah...
583
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:05,000
Aww... Some poor sod,
when it first happened.
584
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,440
"Cor, a cup of tea, please,"
585
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:08,000
in 1183. Yeah.
586
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,000
"What sort of milk do you want?"
587
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,440
"Oh, I don't know."
588
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:12,920
"Well, do you want coconut milk?
589
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:13,960
"Sheep milk?
590
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,320
"Ewe milk? Iguana milk.
591
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:18,080
"Llama milk.
"Milk expressed by Sandra,
592
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,480
"who sits in the back office
squirting it..."
593
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,160
You have full fat in the morning,
semi-skimmed in the afternoon.
594
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:33,680
Milk! Milk!
595
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,000
But it's the 12th century now.
We've got this.
596
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,400
Well, here's the thing.
There are food historians who say
597
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,240
it was the single most important
ingredient
598
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:41,560
in medieval European cookery.
599
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,120
So one of the reasons for it
is that cow's milk,
600
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:45,720
often very unappetizing.
601
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,840
You have to imagine,
it's pre-pasteurization days
602
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,280
and apparently
you could pull strings of bacteria
603
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,120
and clumps of earth from your glass,
604
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:55,080
and you couldn't eat animal products
on various fast days.
605
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:56,880
So almond milk, absolutely perfect.
606
00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:00,480
And almonds, of course,
the world's oldest domesticated tree.
607
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,360
We think human beings started
cultivating them to eat
608
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:05,960
somewhere around 9000 BC.
I mean, it's amazing.
609
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,040
That's what I thought, 9000 BC. Yep.
610
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:10,400
I should have asked you first.
611
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:14,560
Can I just say, if you see almonds
in the wild, do not eat them.
612
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,040
They're bitter and toxic.
613
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,680
There's enough cyanide in them
to kill a child.
614
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,720
I mean, don't do that either.
Don't, don't...
615
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,800
There's cyanide in apple pips.
616
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,600
Yeah. The Poison Garden woman,
this was part of her...
617
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,040
Part of her thing.
618
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,960
She said, "Look at that,
look at that, apples.
619
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,480
"They look innocent enough,
don't you? But just a few pips
620
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,440
"and that could absolutely
wipe someone out.
621
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,920
"How many pips do you think you
would need to give somebody
622
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,240
"enough cyanide to kill them?"
623
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,640
And a woman put up her hand
and went, "I reckon it's 50."
624
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:46,720
And she said, "You know,
you're absolutely right.
625
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,520
"How did you know that?"
And she said,
626
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,080
"Well, I tried 49 on me husband
and it didn't quite work."
627
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,560
All of which ancient nuttiness
628
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,520
brings us to the real kernel
of the show.
629
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,240
It's time to reveal the scores.
630
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:05,520
Ooh.
631
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:07,600
Thrashing the competition
632
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,520
with -2...
633
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,520
..today's winner is Mark!
634
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,320
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Winner?
635
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,200
Try being in second place with -5,
636
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,680
Suzi!
637
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:23,720
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
638
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,480
In third place with -15 -
639
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:27,800
and this has surprised me -
640
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:28,840
it's Nish!
641
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,240
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
642
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:35,960
Which means in last place,
643
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,520
crying over spilled almond milk,
644
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,320
with -17, it's Alan!
645
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,520
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
646
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,240
And it's thanks to
Nish, Mark, Suzi and Alan,
647
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,880
and I leave you with this
from Irish thriller writer
648
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,120
and former Marine Victor O'Reilly.
649
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:58,240
"If at first you don't succeed,
650
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:01,400
"well, so much for skydiving."
Goodnight.
651
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:05,720
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
82488
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