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1
00:00:00,958 --> 00:00:03,083
-Hey, what about
these germaphobes?
2
00:00:03,083 --> 00:00:04,375
They can't shake your hand.
3
00:00:04,375 --> 00:00:05,917
They got to give you
the fist bump.
4
00:00:05,917 --> 00:00:07,333
You know what I do?
I grabbed their fist,
5
00:00:07,333 --> 00:00:08,583
I hold it my armpit
for a count of six.
6
00:00:08,583 --> 00:00:09,625
Come on.
7
00:00:09,625 --> 00:00:12,500
Dolby, come on.
8
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,000
The whole show's
gonna be like this.
9
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,500
The whole show.
10
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:19,167
Other comics use gimmicks
like ability, timing,
11
00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:21,625
good material, talent, whatever.
12
00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:23,750
None of that stuff in my show.
13
00:00:23,750 --> 00:00:26,875
The whole thing -- pure panic.
14
00:00:26,875 --> 00:00:30,000
Come on. My whole act
is a side effect of Moderna.
15
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,250
Let's party.
17
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,833
If I took medication,
I would take Prozac,
18
00:00:34,833 --> 00:00:37,167
Paxil, Zoloft
all at the same time.
19
00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:39,208
Just walk around
super-antidepressed.
21
00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,542
"How do you feel, Greg?
"Hip, hip, hooray!"
23
00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:48,417
High-five myself.
No friends. There it is.
24
00:00:48,417 --> 00:00:49,833
Coming back.
Don't leave me hanging.
25
00:00:49,833 --> 00:00:51,417
I got me.
26
00:00:51,417 --> 00:00:52,417
Party horn.
29
00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:56,917
Get it, man?
30
00:00:56,917 --> 00:00:58,208
That's the paper thing
on the horn.
33
00:01:01,542 --> 00:01:03,917
I write these jokes myself.
34
00:01:03,917 --> 00:01:06,417
Not too good.
35
00:01:06,417 --> 00:01:08,625
I'm my own writer, my own agent,
my own manager,
36
00:01:08,625 --> 00:01:10,167
my own financial advisor.
37
00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:13,125
I'm driving the Greg Hahn
empire into the ground!
40
00:01:17,125 --> 00:01:20,000
Uh, have we started yet?
All right, here we go.
41
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,500
Hot crowd, hot crowd, hot crowd.
42
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,708
Headbutt. Oh!
A lot of stability out there.
43
00:01:24,708 --> 00:01:27,250
A lot of stable people. You
know, couples, married people.
44
00:01:27,250 --> 00:01:28,583
Compare that to me.
45
00:01:28,583 --> 00:01:31,792
I travel around
like a circus freak!
46
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:34,750
Never married, no kids.
I date girls half my age.
47
00:01:34,750 --> 00:01:36,625
You end up faced with yourself
in the mirror like,
48
00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:38,333
"What are you?
49
00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:40,625
Some kind of a genius?!
50
00:01:40,625 --> 00:01:42,167
Whoo!
51
00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:44,708
How am I pulling this off?
I'm 87."
53
00:01:46,125 --> 00:01:48,333
I don't have
money to raise a kid.
54
00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:51,042
I'm gonna need that cash
for hair dye and a new Corvette.
55
00:01:51,042 --> 00:01:52,458
Come on.
57
00:01:54,042 --> 00:01:55,833
I'm shifting the Vette.
Don't call 911.
58
00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:57,500
I'm shifting the Vette.
59
00:01:57,500 --> 00:01:59,542
Corvette convertible.
Toupee flies off.
60
00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:01,708
Boom.
Spare toupee. Bang.
62
00:02:03,083 --> 00:02:04,625
All right.
64
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:11,500
I'm gonna find
a wife tonight!
65
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:13,375
God, I wish I was out there
to see this right now.
66
00:02:13,375 --> 00:02:16,042
I'm on fire!
I'm on fire!
67
00:02:16,042 --> 00:02:17,917
I'm gonna sign a sitcom deal
after this show.
68
00:02:17,917 --> 00:02:20,042
I'm gonna be rich.
All right.
69
00:02:20,042 --> 00:02:21,833
I got to get out of here,
everybody. Thanks so much.
70
00:02:21,833 --> 00:02:23,875
Come on. Let's get
this party rocking.
71
00:02:23,875 --> 00:02:25,375
What a crowd. What a night.
72
00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:28,125
Dolby Theatre. Hollywood.
73
00:02:28,125 --> 00:02:29,333
Are you ready?
75
00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:34,125
Without any further ado,
76
00:02:34,125 --> 00:02:36,625
please welcome Louis C.K.
77
00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:38,125
Come on.
81
00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:05,125
-Thank you.
83
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:08,500
All right, hello, there.
84
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:09,875
-Hey!
85
00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:11,333
-Hey.
86
00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:13,458
Okay.
87
00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:17,667
All right. I'm gonna talk
to you for about an hour.
88
00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:21,750
And it's weird here.
It's weird, what I do.
89
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:24,542
Somebody asked me once
if it takes confidence
90
00:03:24,542 --> 00:03:25,875
to -- Nobody asked me,
but I just wanted
91
00:03:25,875 --> 00:03:27,000
to talk about this.
92
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,250
If it takes...
94
00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:32,875
It does take confidence
to do this.
95
00:03:32,875 --> 00:03:37,000
It takes a -- not a general
confidence, but a specific kind.
96
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,625
You know? There's lots
of kinds of confidence.
97
00:03:39,625 --> 00:03:41,375
There's personal confidence.
98
00:03:41,375 --> 00:03:43,167
I don't have much of that.
That's...
99
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:46,542
Personal confidence is like
a man wearing white pants.
100
00:03:46,542 --> 00:03:49,167
That takes, you know...
101
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,292
tremendous confidence
102
00:03:52,292 --> 00:03:54,208
and optimism, really...
104
00:03:56,042 --> 00:03:57,542
...to leave the house
in white pants
105
00:03:57,542 --> 00:04:00,750
like it's gonna be
a great day.
106
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:03,667
There's gonna be no puddles
or pizza, nothing.
108
00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:10,000
I could never wear
white pants
109
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,750
because I'll get my period,
first of all. I know that.
111
00:04:16,708 --> 00:04:19,292
Or diarrhea, more likely.
113
00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:25,042
Which is -- That's really
my period. Diarrhea.
114
00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:27,875
About once a month, I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, here we go."
116
00:04:30,458 --> 00:04:33,667
"Better just get home.
117
00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:36,417
And don't
make any big decisions today."
119
00:04:39,042 --> 00:04:40,792
It's true.
Don't make --
120
00:04:40,792 --> 00:04:44,083
You know, if you have diarrhea,
don't, like, negotiate.
121
00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:47,417
It's a bad
bargaining position.
122
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,750
If I have diarrhea, you stand
between me and the toilet,
123
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,833
I'll sell you my house
for 10 cents.
125
00:04:57,667 --> 00:05:01,250
So that's one kind
of confidence.
126
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:03,958
Here's another kind --
moral confidence.
127
00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:05,875
Moral confidence. That means
knowing that you would
128
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:07,292
do the right thing,
129
00:05:07,292 --> 00:05:09,250
knowing that
you wouldn't do something wrong.
130
00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:10,500
Moral confidence.
131
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,917
You can have that
in your daily life
132
00:05:11,917 --> 00:05:13,542
because a lot of your days
are the same.
133
00:05:13,542 --> 00:05:15,917
But what if you were
in another time?
134
00:05:15,917 --> 00:05:17,542
Like, I would love to believe,
135
00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:22,000
I feel confident that
I would not have had slaves.
136
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,333
I wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't have done it.
137
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:29,167
I wouldn't have had any.
138
00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:34,083
Even if I lived in 17-whatever
in Virginia
139
00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:35,667
and all my neighbors had slaves,
140
00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:37,750
I would have been like,
"You guys are dicks."
142
00:05:41,792 --> 00:05:43,583
I can say that.
143
00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:47,292
But it's easy to say that now
because you can't get no slaves.
144
00:05:47,292 --> 00:05:51,583
You just can't --
You can't get any.
145
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,292
That's why
you don't have slaves.
146
00:05:53,292 --> 00:05:57,000
It's not because you're better
than back-then people.
147
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,667
It's because
they're not available.
148
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:02,958
That's a huge
contributing factor.
149
00:06:02,958 --> 00:06:04,708
It's not a decision you need
150
00:06:04,708 --> 00:06:07,250
to make every day, like
you're carrying your groceries.
151
00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:09,208
"Ah, fuck. Maybe I should --
No, no, I better not.
152
00:06:09,208 --> 00:06:11,417
But, geez, it would be easier."
153
00:06:11,417 --> 00:06:14,000
Because they're not there.
154
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,708
It's not like they have slaves
at Home Depot.
155
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:19,250
I mean, they kind of do,
but, yeah...
157
00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:25,375
...there are some forms
158
00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:27,458
of kind of slavery.
159
00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,167
You can get a Russian woman
160
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,167
to do whatever you want
because her family's hostage.
161
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,333
That's one of them.
162
00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:34,833
But that's still temporary.
163
00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,292
I mean, you could --
You could adopt, like,
164
00:06:36,292 --> 00:06:39,542
a 12-year-old
from Bangladesh and...
166
00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:43,250
I mean, really.
He'll move into your house
167
00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:46,500
and do your laundry and suck
your dick, whatever you want.
168
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:50,792
But even he gets to leave
when he's 18.
170
00:06:52,792 --> 00:06:55,500
Although who wants them
when they're that old?
171
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,333
I'm just saying.
Excuse me.
172
00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:00,250
I'm just saying...
174
00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:07,667
...that slavery gets rebranded,
175
00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:10,417
but it doesn't really
ever totally go away.
176
00:07:10,417 --> 00:07:14,500
I mean, it's been part of
human history going way back,
177
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,083
way back, slavery.
178
00:07:16,083 --> 00:07:19,250
Even the earliest civilizations
in Mesopotamia...
179
00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:20,583
I don't know.
I didn't go to college.
180
00:07:20,583 --> 00:07:22,208
I don't know anything.
181
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,917
But the earliest images
of human life
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00:07:24,917 --> 00:07:27,000
already had the guys going,
"Uhh!"
183
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,125
and the guy going, "Ahh!
185
00:07:30,958 --> 00:07:34,417
How early did we come up
with this?
186
00:07:34,417 --> 00:07:37,000
Like, from the beginning
of human existence,
187
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,333
we evolved, you know,
through ideas.
188
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:43,583
We were a scared, naked ape,
and then we were like,
189
00:07:43,583 --> 00:07:47,042
"Make a fire.
That's a good idea.
190
00:07:47,042 --> 00:07:48,917
Kill an animal and take his fur.
191
00:07:48,917 --> 00:07:51,042
That's a good idea.
192
00:07:51,042 --> 00:07:53,625
Plant things and then wait.
193
00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,667
That's a good idea."
194
00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:57,500
But really quickly
we came up with,
195
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:01,125
"Just make them fucking do it.
I'm not doing anything.
196
00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:04,875
I'm doing nothing.
Make them fucking do it."
198
00:08:07,792 --> 00:08:10,958
That was, like, our third thing
we did on Earth.
200
00:08:15,958 --> 00:08:17,292
So, you can have confidence,
201
00:08:17,292 --> 00:08:19,792
but you got
to be a little, you know.
202
00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:21,833
I mean, there's things that
people did in history that I
203
00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:23,708
wouldn't have done for sure.
204
00:08:23,708 --> 00:08:25,833
Like, I wouldn't have made
an Auschwitz.
205
00:08:25,833 --> 00:08:27,875
I wouldn't have done that.
206
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,750
What am I gonna do
with an Auschwitz?
208
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,833
Yeah, Auschwitz is not one
of those where you're like,
209
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:37,042
"It was the times, you know?"
It was...
211
00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:40,667
It was a horrible thing.
212
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,250
Obviously, Auschwitz --
horrible.
213
00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:43,792
They killed people.
They killed children.
214
00:08:43,792 --> 00:08:45,333
They killed little children
in Auschwitz
215
00:08:45,333 --> 00:08:47,167
who could have grown up
and moved to Brooklyn
216
00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:49,792
and hated black people,
and they didn't get to do that.
218
00:08:51,708 --> 00:08:53,833
It's terrible. I know.
219
00:08:57,750 --> 00:08:59,708
I had a friend
who's a comedian in England,
220
00:08:59,708 --> 00:09:02,125
and he made a joke
about Auschwitz.
221
00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,542
And he got in a lot of trouble.
222
00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:05,208
It was a big shitstorm.
223
00:09:05,208 --> 00:09:07,958
And at one point,
Auschwitz tweeted...
225
00:09:09,542 --> 00:09:11,208
...about his joke.
226
00:09:11,208 --> 00:09:15,125
It's true. It said, "Auschwitz"
with a blue check.
227
00:09:15,125 --> 00:09:17,667
So it was like, "Oh, cool.
It's really them," you know?
229
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:23,208
And they tweeted like,
"That's not funny."
231
00:09:26,208 --> 00:09:29,833
Why is the death camp tweeting?
233
00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:39,708
Who's running the social
accounts at Auschwitz?
234
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:43,958
"I got a summer job
at Auschwitz.
235
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:45,667
I'm running their Twitter."
237
00:09:51,417 --> 00:09:53,083
Moral confidence.
238
00:09:53,083 --> 00:09:55,583
There's other ways to boost
your moral confidence.
239
00:09:55,583 --> 00:09:58,750
Like, you can do good things.
240
00:09:58,750 --> 00:10:01,333
Or, you know -- or not.
241
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:04,167
You can...
242
00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:05,583
You can help people
all the time.
243
00:10:05,583 --> 00:10:06,875
You can help homeless people.
244
00:10:06,875 --> 00:10:08,292
There's a lot
of homeless people here.
245
00:10:08,292 --> 00:10:10,958
There's a shitload
of homeless people here.
246
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,167
I mean, not in here.
247
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:13,542
There's none in here.
249
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,958
There's zero in here.
250
00:10:18,958 --> 00:10:21,250
That's right.
251
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:22,833
They can't come in here.
253
00:10:24,292 --> 00:10:29,000
Even with a ticket,
they cannot come in here.
254
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,833
They're not allowed in
the places where we're allowed.
255
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:36,542
That's what we all agree on.
256
00:10:36,542 --> 00:10:39,042
Everybody is like, "I don't know
what to do about the homeless,
257
00:10:39,042 --> 00:10:41,792
but they're not coming in here.
They're not coming in here.
258
00:10:41,792 --> 00:10:44,667
They're outdoor people.
They don't have..."
260
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,542
If you don't
have your own indoors,
261
00:10:47,542 --> 00:10:49,667
you can't go
in other people's indoors.
263
00:10:55,125 --> 00:10:58,792
They can't go where we go.
264
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,042
There's places where you'll
never see a homeless person,
265
00:11:01,042 --> 00:11:02,500
like the airport.
266
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,292
There's no homeless people
at the airport.
267
00:11:04,292 --> 00:11:08,500
You go to the bus station,
they're on the bus beside you.
268
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:12,667
But at the airport,
they can't even get to it.
269
00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:16,167
They can't even get to it.
270
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,125
You've never seen a homeless
person in the airport.
271
00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:23,750
You've never been at your gate,
and some guy's like, "Hey, man.
272
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,750
Trying to get to Tokyo.
Can you help me out?
274
00:11:31,208 --> 00:11:33,458
Can you give me an aisle seat,
brother?"
276
00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:40,667
And they're all over
the country. Everywhere now.
277
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,500
I've been on tour.
I've seen them everywhere.
278
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:46,542
I was in Phoenix, and it was
during the summer. 120 degrees.
279
00:11:46,542 --> 00:11:49,500
And homeless people are just
standing at the intersection
280
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,500
with a sign, and they're just
281
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,583
They're just cooking.
282
00:11:53,583 --> 00:11:57,167
You can't even tell what race
he was before it burnt off.
284
00:12:00,042 --> 00:12:03,833
And he's holding a sign that
says, "Help. I'm on fire."
286
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,292
But you, you're, like --
You're in a white BMW,
287
00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:11,792
like, "I-I...
I can't.
288
00:12:11,792 --> 00:12:14,458
Sorry.
There's glass here.
289
00:12:14,458 --> 00:12:17,000
I can't help
because of the glass."
291
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:25,875
And even here,
you drive by them.
292
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,208
In New York,
you walk right by them.
293
00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:28,792
So in New York,
they're right there.
294
00:12:28,792 --> 00:12:30,292
They're in your space,
they're in your world.
295
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:31,875
And you got to make a choice.
296
00:12:31,875 --> 00:12:33,500
Every couple of blocks,
you got to make a choice.
297
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:35,625
You can help or not.
You got to keep shooting it.
298
00:12:35,625 --> 00:12:37,583
You got to put a limit
on it somewhere because you're
299
00:12:37,583 --> 00:12:39,750
not gonna help all of them
and you're not gonna help
300
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:42,458
any of them, really...
301
00:12:42,458 --> 00:12:44,417
with a few bucks.
302
00:12:44,417 --> 00:12:45,917
But there's always that --
303
00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,417
Like, there's
a homeless guy who lives --
304
00:12:47,417 --> 00:12:50,417
He doesn't live anywhere,
but, I mean, he's...
305
00:12:50,417 --> 00:12:52,875
By definition, he's at large.
307
00:12:54,542 --> 00:12:57,667
But he's often seen.
309
00:13:00,375 --> 00:13:02,083
He's always on the corner
by my house.
310
00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:04,167
Same guy every day.
311
00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:05,583
And I walk past him
every day
312
00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:07,083
on the way to the store.
313
00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:08,875
I go to the same store
every day.
314
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,958
I go to Claire's. I don't know
if you know Claire's.
315
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,000
It's a jewelry store
for children.
317
00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:16,625
I go there every day.
318
00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:21,042
I buy a handful of scrunchies,
and I run home.
319
00:13:21,042 --> 00:13:22,750
Everything else, I buy online.
321
00:13:26,792 --> 00:13:28,250
Anyway, when I walk
by this homeless guy
322
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:30,500
in the morning,
he always goes,
323
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:34,167
"Hey, man, can you help me out?"
324
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,625
And I go, "Sure."
325
00:13:35,625 --> 00:13:37,625
I give him 5 bucks,
and I go to the store.
326
00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:39,625
Five minutes later,
I walk by, and he says,
327
00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:41,583
"Hey, man. Can I --"
328
00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:44,167
He doesn't remember,
which is fine,
329
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:49,333
but I don't want to give him
another 5 bucks, you know,
330
00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:51,208
because I only have
a few million.
331
00:13:51,208 --> 00:13:53,000
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
332
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,667
I clearly should.
333
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:59,750
I don't know what makes me go,
"Mm-hmm-hmm.
334
00:13:59,750 --> 00:14:03,250
You had your $5, young man."
336
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:09,208
What? Am I gonna spoil him?
338
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:19,000
You know what I was thinking
about today?
339
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,250
I was thinking about Jesus.
341
00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:26,667
I was. Today.
342
00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:28,333
I was thinking about Jesus.
343
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:30,625
And after I came...
344
00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:32,833
...I...
345
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:39,542
I thought,
346
00:14:39,542 --> 00:14:42,750
"Well, I feel sorry for Jesus."
That's how I feel.
347
00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,125
I don't know how much
you know about Jesus,
348
00:14:44,125 --> 00:14:47,042
but I feel fucking bad
for Jesus, man.
349
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:48,875
I do. He had a hard life.
350
00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:50,833
I mean, the last day was
particularly difficult, but...
352
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,542
If you look at pictures of him,
353
00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:56,125
he had to wear
that -- that thong,
354
00:14:56,125 --> 00:15:00,625
that fucking just dishrag
yanked up his balls.
355
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:04,125
Just
356
00:15:04,125 --> 00:15:06,250
carrying his cross like, "Fuck.
357
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,125
It's the rash."
359
00:15:10,125 --> 00:15:12,208
Some people say you should
live like Jesus.
360
00:15:12,208 --> 00:15:13,708
Who can live --
He was insane.
362
00:15:15,917 --> 00:15:19,000
You can't live like that.
363
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,625
He had a weird life.
I'm reading about Jesus.
364
00:15:20,625 --> 00:15:22,792
I have this book about Jesus.
366
00:15:24,125 --> 00:15:25,708
I'm gonna share it with you.
368
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:34,208
Okay.
369
00:15:34,208 --> 00:15:37,583
This is a book about Jesus.
370
00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:41,292
Actually, only this much
is about Jesus.
371
00:15:41,292 --> 00:15:44,000
Only that -- just that part.
372
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,417
The rest of it is just the Jews
going like, "And then we
373
00:15:47,417 --> 00:15:51,417
walked for 50 years
in the desert.
374
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,708
And we only had
a little bit of oil.
375
00:15:53,708 --> 00:15:56,250
It was difficult."
It's just...
376
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:59,333
It's fucking verbose.
377
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,458
Just Jews.
378
00:16:01,458 --> 00:16:04,500
It just goes on and on.
379
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:09,458
"And then Jacob
bought a goat, and...
381
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:14,625
And Abraham lived to be 800."
382
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:17,375
Yeah, I bet
he fucking did, too.
384
00:16:22,875 --> 00:16:26,625
The Jews in the early chapters
are all, like, 800 years old.
385
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,083
And then God was like,
386
00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:32,458
"I can't with these fucking Jews
for 800 years.
387
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,625
Heart disease starts today."
389
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,583
So that's them.
390
00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:44,375
And that's Jesus.
391
00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:45,750
This little part's Jesus.
392
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,458
And the weird part
is, it's not all --
393
00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:50,375
Like, it's all the same story
over and over again.
394
00:16:50,375 --> 00:16:52,042
They tell the same story
about Jesus' life over.
395
00:16:52,042 --> 00:16:55,375
First Matthew tells it,
and then Mark is like,
396
00:16:55,375 --> 00:16:58,250
"Dude, that's not what --
You're fucking drunk.
397
00:16:58,250 --> 00:16:59,750
Here's what happened.
398
00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:02,500
I'll tell you what happened.
399
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:04,792
Hey, Paul. You weren't even
here. Shut the fuck up."
401
00:17:07,833 --> 00:17:09,750
And I started reading it
because I never read it.
402
00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:11,333
I was raised Catholic.
403
00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:13,542
But they don't encourage you
to read, the church.
404
00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:15,958
They don't. They don't
want you to read this.
405
00:17:15,958 --> 00:17:19,417
You know? Jews read this shit
in Hebrew, and Baptists
406
00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:21,000
sit down,
and they read together.
407
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,917
But the Catholics, they want you
to come in the building.
408
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,042
They want you to come in,
and they tell you.
409
00:17:25,042 --> 00:17:26,625
And you're like,
"Can I read it?"
410
00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:28,542
They're like, "No,
I'll tell you what happened.
411
00:17:28,542 --> 00:17:30,667
Sorry. Put the book down."
413
00:17:33,375 --> 00:17:35,458
But it's interesting because
when you read the stories,
414
00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:38,125
you know, you think of them
as lofty, kind of, like,
415
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:43,000
but some of them are just
basic life in Jesus' life.
416
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,667
Okay, here's one.
417
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:48,042
This is when he turned
water into wine.
418
00:17:48,042 --> 00:17:50,917
This is his first miracle.
This is John Chapter 2.
419
00:17:50,917 --> 00:17:52,875
Okay? Okay.
420
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,875
"And on the third day,
421
00:17:54,875 --> 00:17:58,417
there was a wedding
in Cana of Galilee,
422
00:17:58,417 --> 00:18:01,000
and the mother of Jesus
was there.
423
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,667
And both Jesus was called and
his disciples to the wedding.
424
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,750
And when they wanted wine,
425
00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:10,417
the mother of Jesus
saith unto him,
426
00:18:10,417 --> 00:18:12,625
'They have no wine here.'
428
00:18:19,125 --> 00:18:22,083
And Jesus saith unto her,
"Woman,
429
00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:24,333
What have I to do with thee?"
431
00:18:28,917 --> 00:18:31,750
Just life.
Mary was a fucking alcoholic.
432
00:18:31,750 --> 00:18:34,250
He took her to a wedding.
433
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:37,583
"There's no fucking wine,
Jesus!
434
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:40,833
What am I supposed to do here
without wine?!"
436
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,833
And he's like, "Mom!
437
00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:48,625
Don't!"
439
00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:57,875
Anyway, you know, the rest
of the story is that Jesus,
440
00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,708
he's at the wedding.
They had no wine. The guy --
441
00:18:59,708 --> 00:19:01,750
So Jesus went to the guy running
the wedding, and he was like,
442
00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:05,167
"Look in the water barrel."
Like that.
443
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,542
Like a closeup magician.
"Why don't you take a look?"
445
00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:10,792
"Maybe it's not the Red Queen.
Go ahead.
446
00:19:10,792 --> 00:19:13,792
Flip that card over.
What do you think?"
447
00:19:13,792 --> 00:19:15,125
Told him to look in
the water barrel,
448
00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:16,958
and he looked, and it was wine.
449
00:19:16,958 --> 00:19:20,458
He had turned all their water
into wine. Everybody rejoiced.
450
00:19:20,458 --> 00:19:21,792
Except the guy
running the wedding was
451
00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:25,167
probably like,
"We did need some water."
453
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:30,167
"It's actually
a bigger problem."
455
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,208
I have a feeling
a lot of his miracles
456
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:38,125
were met with mixed...
457
00:19:38,125 --> 00:19:40,083
Like, "Oh. Thanks.
458
00:19:40,083 --> 00:19:42,000
That's great, Jesus.
459
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,083
Fuck."
461
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:49,500
Like, Lazarus. Lazarus had been
dead for four days,
462
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,125
and Jesus comes to town,
and he says,
463
00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:53,792
"Lazarus, rise,"
464
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:59,208
and Lazarus comes out of the
tomb like
465
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:00,708
And Lazarus' wife is like,
466
00:20:00,708 --> 00:20:03,333
"Are you fucking kidding me
right now?"
468
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,333
But so, here's a story
that I want you to --
469
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,042
I want to read to you.
470
00:20:12,042 --> 00:20:16,083
This story, I've never seen it
in a Jesus movie.
471
00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:19,250
This story is not
in any movies about Jesus.
472
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:20,958
And it's not --
473
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,458
I never -- I never --
Until I sat and read this,
474
00:20:23,458 --> 00:20:25,375
I never heard this story...
475
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,875
'cause it's weird.
476
00:20:27,875 --> 00:20:32,208
This is the story of Jesus
cursing a fig tree.
477
00:20:32,208 --> 00:20:34,292
Does anybody by applause
know of this story?
478
00:20:34,292 --> 00:20:35,875
Okay.
479
00:20:35,875 --> 00:20:38,542
That's just enough
to make it clear this is true.
480
00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:40,333
I mean, it's not --
Nothing's true in here.
481
00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:41,417
But...
482
00:20:41,417 --> 00:20:43,250
I'm just kidding.
483
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,375
I'm just kidding.
I don't fucking know.
484
00:20:45,375 --> 00:20:47,625
What do I know?
I wasn't there.
485
00:20:47,625 --> 00:20:50,833
I'm just trying
to make it clear
486
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:53,000
that I didn't make it up.
488
00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:55,500
They did.
489
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,708
But, anyway, all right,
I don't know.
490
00:20:58,708 --> 00:21:01,708
Okay, here's the story.
491
00:21:01,708 --> 00:21:04,167
This is Mark Chapter 11.
492
00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:06,750
It's when Mark went broke.
494
00:21:12,083 --> 00:21:15,083
Okay.
495
00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:18,167
"And Jesus entered
into Jerusalem.
496
00:21:18,167 --> 00:21:22,583
And when he had looked around
about and seen all things
497
00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:24,917
and the eventide was come,
498
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:27,750
he went out unto Bethany
with the 12."
499
00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:31,417
Bethany was like a -- like
a suburb of Jerusalem.
500
00:21:31,417 --> 00:21:33,458
So he went in Jerusalem.
You know, you see all the shit
501
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:36,792
downtown,
but you don't stay downtown.
502
00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,083
You go to the Marriott
by the airport, you know?
503
00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:41,833
That's what Bethany was.
504
00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:43,458
Okay?
505
00:21:43,458 --> 00:21:47,500
"And on the morrow
when they'd come from Bethany,
506
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,583
Jesus was hungry,
and seeing a fig tree
507
00:21:51,583 --> 00:21:53,792
afar off having leaves,
508
00:21:53,792 --> 00:21:59,417
he came to it, if haply
he might find anything thereon.
509
00:21:59,417 --> 00:22:00,917
But when he came to the tree,
510
00:22:00,917 --> 00:22:03,125
he found nothing but leaves,
511
00:22:03,125 --> 00:22:06,583
for the time of figs
was not yet.
513
00:22:09,375 --> 00:22:12,792
And Jesus answered and saith
unto the tree,
514
00:22:12,792 --> 00:22:16,792
'No man shall eat fruit of thee
hereafter
515
00:22:16,792 --> 00:22:18,833
and forever.'
517
00:22:22,792 --> 00:22:25,708
And the disciples heard it.
518
00:22:25,708 --> 00:22:27,417
And in the morning
when they passed by,
519
00:22:27,417 --> 00:22:32,833
they saw the fig tree dried up
from the roots and dead.
520
00:22:32,833 --> 00:22:34,708
And Peter, calling
to remembrance,
521
00:22:34,708 --> 00:22:37,667
saith unto him, 'Master,
behold the fig tree
522
00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:40,000
which thou dost cursedst
523
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,083
has withered away and died.'
524
00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:45,708
And Jesus answered and saith
unto them,
525
00:22:45,708 --> 00:22:47,958
'Have faith in God.'"
527
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,125
What the fuck kind of
a Jesus story is that?
529
00:23:01,292 --> 00:23:02,833
"Hey, Jesus.
You killed the tree."
530
00:23:02,833 --> 00:23:05,375
"That's right, motherfucker."
532
00:23:09,917 --> 00:23:12,208
What's the fucking point
to this story?
533
00:23:12,208 --> 00:23:15,958
What is the moral?
534
00:23:15,958 --> 00:23:17,958
Jesus just killed a tree.
He was hungry.
535
00:23:17,958 --> 00:23:20,333
He was fucking cranky.
536
00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:22,875
He was like, "There's no figs?
Fuck you, tree.
537
00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:24,750
You're fucking dead,
you piece of shit.
538
00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:30,333
I wanted a fig. You're fucking
dead. Watch this."
539
00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:32,875
And the tree's like, "But
the time of figs is not yet.
540
00:23:32,875 --> 00:23:35,250
I just --
It's just not yet.
541
00:23:35,250 --> 00:23:37,583
I need another week.
542
00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:39,208
You want fruit out of season,
543
00:23:39,208 --> 00:23:41,000
go to Whole Foods,
you fucking Jew.
544
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,917
I didn't do anything."
546
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,750
You can't act like that, man.
547
00:23:55,750 --> 00:23:58,500
You can't act like that.
548
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:00,250
You walk around
acting like that,
549
00:24:00,250 --> 00:24:03,458
folks will nail you to a cross.
That's what they'll do.
550
00:24:03,458 --> 00:24:04,875
They will.
551
00:24:04,875 --> 00:24:06,875
You got to fucking cool it,
Jesus.
553
00:24:09,417 --> 00:24:12,333
He got a little, you know.
554
00:24:12,333 --> 00:24:14,333
That's really what happened.
555
00:24:14,333 --> 00:24:16,500
He got a little shitty.
556
00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:18,250
A little big, you know.
He went to Jerusalem.
557
00:24:18,250 --> 00:24:22,417
That's a big town
for a boy from Galilee.
558
00:24:22,417 --> 00:24:23,917
And he didn't just walk
into Jerusalem.
559
00:24:23,917 --> 00:24:25,458
He walked in,
and his friends were like,
560
00:24:25,458 --> 00:24:27,625
"King of the Jews, y'all!
561
00:24:27,625 --> 00:24:30,958
King of the motherfucking Jews!"
563
00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:35,583
The Jews didn't like that.
564
00:24:35,583 --> 00:24:38,542
The Jews were like, "Not my
president. Whatever," you know.
566
00:24:43,667 --> 00:24:45,792
So they nailed him
to a cross.
567
00:24:45,792 --> 00:24:47,917
This is what they did.
And this --
568
00:24:47,917 --> 00:24:50,583
The weirdest thing
to me about Catholicism
569
00:24:50,583 --> 00:24:52,875
and all Christianity is,
this image --
570
00:24:52,875 --> 00:24:55,542
This image is the image
571
00:24:55,542 --> 00:24:57,542
of the biggest,
most powerful religion.
572
00:24:57,542 --> 00:24:59,083
The cleanest religion.
573
00:24:59,083 --> 00:25:01,875
And it's a fucking dead guy
574
00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:06,167
with nails just, ugh,
just blood.
575
00:25:06,167 --> 00:25:10,958
And it's in every
polite room in the world.
576
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:15,750
Every nice, quiet place,
there's a fucking Jesus.
577
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:18,667
And the president and his wife,
and they wear pearls,
578
00:25:18,667 --> 00:25:21,042
and then we always go
to look at the fucking...
579
00:25:21,042 --> 00:25:25,542
It's just weird 'cause
it promotes nicely ideas, like
580
00:25:25,542 --> 00:25:27,542
honor thy mother
and thy father,
581
00:25:27,542 --> 00:25:29,083
'cause they die!
582
00:25:29,083 --> 00:25:30,583
Aah!
583
00:25:30,583 --> 00:25:33,292
It's just macabre.
585
00:25:37,458 --> 00:25:40,833
But I love it.
I love the image. I love it.
586
00:25:40,833 --> 00:25:42,333
I was raised Catholic
my whole life.
587
00:25:42,333 --> 00:25:45,583
I loved this image.
I'd stare at it.
588
00:25:45,583 --> 00:25:47,292
Every time I go by a church,
if it's open, I go in
589
00:25:47,292 --> 00:25:49,542
'cause
I want to see their Jesus.
590
00:25:49,542 --> 00:25:52,583
They all have a different Jesus.
They're a little different.
591
00:25:52,583 --> 00:25:55,042
Some of them,
he's really suffering.
592
00:25:55,042 --> 00:25:56,708
And some of them, he's
just like,
593
00:25:56,708 --> 00:25:57,792
Oh, well.
595
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,250
I really got myself
in a noodle this time, boy."
597
00:26:08,417 --> 00:26:09,917
Sometimes there's just a cross,
598
00:26:09,917 --> 00:26:13,375
like, "Oh, fuck.
Where'd he go?
599
00:26:13,375 --> 00:26:15,000
Jesus got away."
601
00:26:18,042 --> 00:26:20,042
But they're all different.
602
00:26:20,042 --> 00:26:24,250
I was in a Korean church,
and I saw a Korean Jesus.
603
00:26:24,250 --> 00:26:26,583
They had a Korean Jesus
with the...
605
00:26:28,042 --> 00:26:31,125
Don't get mad.
How else would I know?
606
00:26:31,125 --> 00:26:33,333
It was just --
They were cringes.
607
00:26:33,333 --> 00:26:37,042
Uhh!
Whatever. Whatever.
609
00:26:40,167 --> 00:26:41,750
Jesus looks different
everywhere.
610
00:26:41,750 --> 00:26:44,542
Mostly Jesus
has blond hair and blue eyes,
611
00:26:44,542 --> 00:26:46,750
which we know he didn't have,
but that's who won everything,
612
00:26:46,750 --> 00:26:49,417
so they get to draw him.
613
00:26:49,417 --> 00:26:51,125
The truth is, Jesus was black.
614
00:26:51,125 --> 00:26:53,292
But you don't see that often,
black Jesus.
615
00:26:53,292 --> 00:26:54,833
"Hey, man. Get me the fuck
down from here."
616
00:26:54,833 --> 00:26:56,375
Whatever, all right.
618
00:27:00,583 --> 00:27:02,583
But everybody wants Jesus
to look like them,
619
00:27:02,583 --> 00:27:04,458
so they make him --
They draw him to look like them.
620
00:27:04,458 --> 00:27:07,833
That's why I don't
like that he's always skinny.
621
00:27:07,833 --> 00:27:10,250
Jesus is always rail thin,
just fucking "Mm!"
622
00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:14,125
"I've been doing Pilates for
months getting ready for this."
623
00:27:14,125 --> 00:27:17,292
It's not fair.
You never see a fat Jesus.
624
00:27:17,292 --> 00:27:20,500
I never one time saw, like,
just a fat Jesus...
626
00:27:23,958 --> 00:27:26,458
...with, like, ten nails
in each hand.
628
00:27:35,667 --> 00:27:38,542
He might have been fat.
We don't know.
629
00:27:38,542 --> 00:27:40,792
I'll tell you
what Jesus was not,
630
00:27:40,792 --> 00:27:42,500
is Korean.
632
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:54,208
There's no Koreans
in Jerusalem in the year one.
634
00:27:58,333 --> 00:28:01,667
But I was raised Catholic, and I
ended up walking away from that
635
00:28:01,667 --> 00:28:03,625
'cause I didn't like it.
You know why?
636
00:28:03,625 --> 00:28:05,333
'Cause they tell you
you're going to hell.
637
00:28:05,333 --> 00:28:07,292
And they tell little kids that.
638
00:28:07,292 --> 00:28:08,958
You're 5 years old,
639
00:28:08,958 --> 00:28:10,500
and the church,
with all its majesty
640
00:28:10,500 --> 00:28:12,708
and all the buildings
and the clothes,
641
00:28:12,708 --> 00:28:14,292
they go up to a 5-year-old,
and they're like,
642
00:28:14,292 --> 00:28:16,792
"Oh, you're going to hell.
643
00:28:16,792 --> 00:28:19,167
Oh, yeah.
644
00:28:19,167 --> 00:28:22,167
You're going right to hell."
645
00:28:22,167 --> 00:28:25,208
And you're 5, and you're
like, "What did I do?"
646
00:28:25,208 --> 00:28:26,792
And the church is like,
647
00:28:26,792 --> 00:28:30,042
"You know what you did,
you piece of shit."
649
00:28:32,917 --> 00:28:34,833
And you're going to full hell,
too.
650
00:28:34,833 --> 00:28:37,167
There's no kids' hell,
you understand?
651
00:28:37,167 --> 00:28:40,083
You're going right to the show.
652
00:28:40,083 --> 00:28:42,917
If you're 5 years old, you
steal a crayon from your sister,
653
00:28:42,917 --> 00:28:45,500
and then you lie about it,
you get hit by a truck,
654
00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:47,042
you're roommates with Hitler.
655
00:28:47,042 --> 00:28:50,708
There's no difference.
There's no difference.
656
00:28:50,708 --> 00:28:53,125
They take you in a room,
and they're pouring hot lead
657
00:28:53,125 --> 00:28:54,292
into Hitler's asshole.
658
00:28:54,292 --> 00:28:56,167
He's like, "Aaaahhh!"
659
00:28:56,167 --> 00:28:59,792
Nein!"
660
00:28:59,792 --> 00:29:01,083
And then you walk in.
They're like,
661
00:29:01,083 --> 00:29:03,125
"All right, step up.
It's your turn."
663
00:29:05,250 --> 00:29:08,208
Hitler's like, "Oh!
664
00:29:08,208 --> 00:29:10,125
Good luck, little fella."
667
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,083
Poor Hitler, man.
668
00:29:20,083 --> 00:29:22,250
I mean, at this point,
669
00:29:22,250 --> 00:29:26,042
he's been down there
for 75 years.
670
00:29:26,042 --> 00:29:27,750
He's probably nice now.
672
00:29:29,708 --> 00:29:32,958
Hitler's probably nice
to newcomers in hell, you know?
673
00:29:32,958 --> 00:29:36,375
"Hi! Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
674
00:29:36,375 --> 00:29:38,833
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
675
00:29:38,833 --> 00:29:40,625
What's that?
Oh, yeah. Okay."
677
00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:53,750
I was so scared of hell
when I was a kid.
678
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:56,250
I remember when I found out
that gay people go to hell,
679
00:29:56,250 --> 00:29:57,750
according to the church,
680
00:29:57,750 --> 00:29:59,583
and I got scared
'cause I'm not gay,
681
00:29:59,583 --> 00:30:02,042
but what if God thinks I'm gay?
683
00:30:04,292 --> 00:30:06,542
What if I come off
a little queer to the Lord?
685
00:30:09,125 --> 00:30:10,667
What if he happens to glance
at me
686
00:30:10,667 --> 00:30:12,458
when I hit my toe
and I'm like, "Ow!"?
687
00:30:12,458 --> 00:30:15,083
He's like, "Oh, I know where
you're going, you faggot."
689
00:30:19,292 --> 00:30:22,000
I mean, that's their thing.
I don't believe that.
690
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,583
God doesn't hate you
'cause you're gay.
691
00:30:24,583 --> 00:30:27,167
God made you gay
'cause he hates you.
693
00:30:29,792 --> 00:30:33,542
No.
I'm just kidding.
694
00:30:33,542 --> 00:30:35,750
I'm kidding.
There's no God.
696
00:30:40,083 --> 00:30:42,250
But you know
who I feel sorry for?
697
00:30:42,250 --> 00:30:43,875
Who I really feel sorry for
698
00:30:43,875 --> 00:30:47,083
is a gay man's sperm.
699
00:30:49,125 --> 00:30:51,542
Just think about that.
700
00:30:51,542 --> 00:30:52,917
That's a tough destiny.
702
00:30:56,167 --> 00:30:59,542
Being a sperm inside of
a gay man, that's hard luck.
703
00:31:01,083 --> 00:31:03,292
'Cause if you're gay,
that's great.
704
00:31:03,292 --> 00:31:07,958
But your sperm is not gay.
705
00:31:07,958 --> 00:31:09,500
Your sperm is just excited,
706
00:31:09,500 --> 00:31:11,792
like, "We're next, fellas.
Here we go."
712
00:31:32,958 --> 00:31:35,125
"Is that shit right there?"
714
00:31:41,708 --> 00:31:43,958
"Who shit
in this chick's pussy?"
716
00:32:04,333 --> 00:32:07,458
Now...
717
00:32:07,458 --> 00:32:09,167
I was thinking
about my life today.
718
00:32:09,167 --> 00:32:12,292
I was thinking about, like,
when I grew up, and....
719
00:32:12,292 --> 00:32:13,875
I was raised in an orphanage
720
00:32:13,875 --> 00:32:16,125
about a block
from my parents' house.
721
00:32:16,125 --> 00:32:17,625
And...
723
00:32:19,583 --> 00:32:23,083
It's a joke.
724
00:32:23,083 --> 00:32:26,042
My father is Mexican.
725
00:32:26,042 --> 00:32:27,417
And my --
-Whoo-hoo!
726
00:32:27,417 --> 00:32:29,042
-Mm-hmm.
727
00:32:29,042 --> 00:32:31,250
Yes. Six of you here.
729
00:32:34,292 --> 00:32:37,542
My father's Mexican,
my mother is dead,
730
00:32:37,542 --> 00:32:42,500
so I'm half dead
on my mom's side,
731
00:32:42,500 --> 00:32:44,125
and I'm half Mexican.
732
00:32:44,125 --> 00:32:45,958
A lot of people don't believe
I'm Mexican.
733
00:32:45,958 --> 00:32:48,042
When I tell them I'm Mexican,
they say stupid things.
734
00:32:48,042 --> 00:32:52,958
They say things like,
"How can you look like that?"
735
00:32:52,958 --> 00:32:55,250
What do you mean, "how"?
Like, I'm trying to,
736
00:32:55,250 --> 00:32:57,167
like, "Look, I'm not Mexican.
737
00:32:57,167 --> 00:33:00,500
No.
I'm not Mexican at all."
738
00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:03,208
Then I get a home,
like, "SeƱor."
740
00:33:13,917 --> 00:33:17,250
My parents, they got divorced
when I was about 10.
741
00:33:17,250 --> 00:33:19,625
And I have kids now,
742
00:33:19,625 --> 00:33:22,833
and their parents
are divorced, also.
743
00:33:22,833 --> 00:33:25,458
And...
744
00:33:27,208 --> 00:33:29,417
...I remember when
we told our kids
745
00:33:29,417 --> 00:33:31,125
about that we were
gonna divorce.
746
00:33:31,125 --> 00:33:34,000
If you get divorced,
you should tell your children.
748
00:33:35,708 --> 00:33:38,333
So we had to do it carefully
749
00:33:38,333 --> 00:33:40,292
'cause they were 5
and 2 years old at the time.
750
00:33:40,292 --> 00:33:44,167
So we had to put it in a way
that they could comprehend.
751
00:33:44,167 --> 00:33:45,958
So I remember we sat them down.
752
00:33:45,958 --> 00:33:50,458
And I said, "Okay, listen,
you know how you love your dog?
753
00:33:50,458 --> 00:33:52,167
You love your dog.
754
00:33:52,167 --> 00:33:53,917
Like, sometimes you give
your dog food from your plate.
755
00:33:53,917 --> 00:33:55,208
You're not supposed to,
but you do that
756
00:33:55,208 --> 00:33:56,875
'cause you love your dog.
757
00:33:56,875 --> 00:33:58,667
Remember the other day
your mom and I were like,
758
00:33:58,667 --> 00:34:00,000
'Don't give the dog any ham,'
759
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,958
but you did 'cause
you love your dog?
760
00:34:02,958 --> 00:34:06,542
Okay, so that's why
we're getting a divorce.
762
00:34:09,125 --> 00:34:11,667
Because you don't listen.
764
00:34:16,458 --> 00:34:19,000
And we just can't take it
anymore.
765
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:24,833
It's just too hard
to not be listened to.
766
00:34:24,833 --> 00:34:27,083
So we're gonna move
to separate homes
767
00:34:27,083 --> 00:34:28,917
and each have you
for half the week
768
00:34:28,917 --> 00:34:31,500
'cause neither of us wants to
have you all the time anymore.
770
00:34:33,875 --> 00:34:36,292
Yeah, and it's very sad
because I love your mother
771
00:34:36,292 --> 00:34:38,042
very, very much.
772
00:34:38,042 --> 00:34:41,917
And she loves me so much.
773
00:34:41,917 --> 00:34:44,250
But we hate you more."
775
00:34:52,417 --> 00:34:55,417
That's how we handled it.
776
00:34:55,417 --> 00:34:59,292
You do your best, you know?
777
00:34:59,292 --> 00:35:01,833
That's all you can do with
your kids. Do your best.
778
00:35:01,833 --> 00:35:03,625
Nobody fucking knows
right from wrong.
779
00:35:03,625 --> 00:35:05,708
When I was a kid,
they just taught us things
780
00:35:05,708 --> 00:35:08,833
to just try to keep us
to just shut the fuck up.
781
00:35:08,833 --> 00:35:11,250
Our morals were just,
"Shut the fuck up."
783
00:35:13,250 --> 00:35:17,833
Things like "slow and steady
wins the race."
784
00:35:17,833 --> 00:35:19,250
They taught us that.
785
00:35:19,250 --> 00:35:23,708
"Slow and steady
wins the race."
786
00:35:23,708 --> 00:35:26,750
Really?
Does it win the race?
788
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:30,000
You know what beats
slow and steady?
789
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,917
Fast and steady
790
00:35:32,917 --> 00:35:37,083
kicks the shit
out of slow and steady.
791
00:35:37,083 --> 00:35:39,417
Slow and steady beats
old and retarded.
792
00:35:39,417 --> 00:35:42,125
That's about it.
793
00:35:42,125 --> 00:35:44,292
Stop telling that to kids.
795
00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:50,667
A lot of what they teach kids is
just to make them polite people.
796
00:35:50,667 --> 00:35:52,125
You know?
Like, they teach them
797
00:35:52,125 --> 00:35:53,875
that there's words
you shouldn't use.
798
00:35:53,875 --> 00:35:55,458
There's bad words.
Don't use the bad words.
799
00:35:55,458 --> 00:35:56,708
I can't teach my kids that
800
00:35:56,708 --> 00:35:59,125
because I do this
for a living.
801
00:35:59,125 --> 00:36:02,458
But I didn't want my kids
to be, you know, assholes.
802
00:36:02,458 --> 00:36:04,000
So I used to
tell them, like, "Okay, look,
803
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:05,875
there's no bad words.
There's no bad words.
804
00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:08,208
All words are good,
bad, nothing.
805
00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:09,875
But there's some people
that get upset
806
00:36:09,875 --> 00:36:11,750
when you use certain words.
807
00:36:11,750 --> 00:36:14,500
So if you're gonna use those
words, look at the person first
808
00:36:14,500 --> 00:36:17,292
and try to guess if they're
that kind of person."
810
00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:28,708
Sometimes you can
offend somebody
811
00:36:28,708 --> 00:36:30,458
when you weren't even trying to.
812
00:36:30,458 --> 00:36:33,625
Like, there's certain --
certain phrases,
813
00:36:33,625 --> 00:36:35,792
certain statements that if
you're gonna say them,
814
00:36:35,792 --> 00:36:40,000
you should say them
without stopping in the middle.
815
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,625
Certain things,
if you're gonna say them,
816
00:36:41,625 --> 00:36:44,667
don't clear your throat
in the middle.
817
00:36:44,667 --> 00:36:46,542
Okay? You don't want
to say things like,
818
00:36:46,542 --> 00:36:48,875
There
are too many black people...
820
00:36:51,833 --> 00:36:54,292
suffering from discrimination."
822
00:37:00,375 --> 00:37:03,125
"We need to stop the Jews...
824
00:37:05,583 --> 00:37:07,708
from feeling excluded."
826
00:37:11,958 --> 00:37:15,083
"I once fucked a baby...
828
00:37:16,958 --> 00:37:18,875
and then I fucked him again."
830
00:37:20,167 --> 00:37:22,250
No.
831
00:37:22,250 --> 00:37:25,208
So you want
to get through that one.
832
00:37:25,208 --> 00:37:28,417
Otherwise,
people get the wrong idea.
833
00:37:28,417 --> 00:37:30,875
They'll think you only
fucked that baby once.
835
00:37:36,750 --> 00:37:38,583
But it's tricky, you know.
If you're trying to teach
836
00:37:38,583 --> 00:37:41,125
your kids right from wrong,
you got to choose a side often
837
00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:43,583
because not everybody agrees
on what's right and wrong.
838
00:37:43,583 --> 00:37:45,417
So how do you know?
You know? Like abortion.
839
00:37:45,417 --> 00:37:47,958
Some people think it's
murder. Some people don't.
840
00:37:47,958 --> 00:37:49,708
I personally --
I think people
841
00:37:49,708 --> 00:37:51,833
should get abortions,
like, a lot.
842
00:37:51,833 --> 00:37:53,667
Like, as many as you can.
843
00:37:53,667 --> 00:37:58,625
You should try to get
a lot of abortions.
844
00:37:58,625 --> 00:38:01,833
You know why?
'Cause it creates jobs.
845
00:38:01,833 --> 00:38:06,083
More abortions, more jobs
for the doctors
846
00:38:06,083 --> 00:38:08,083
and the nurses
and the Dumpster guy.
847
00:38:08,083 --> 00:38:11,625
Everybody gets a job.
They have to work.
848
00:38:11,625 --> 00:38:14,625
How are they gonna feed their
kids if you don't kill yours?
849
00:38:14,625 --> 00:38:17,250
It's a whole -- It's -- You
got to think of everybody.
851
00:38:22,792 --> 00:38:24,333
Abortion is a big topic,
of course,
852
00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:25,792
because Roe v. Wade
was overturned.
853
00:38:25,792 --> 00:38:27,542
Roe vs. Wade.
854
00:38:27,542 --> 00:38:28,833
Of course,
we all know what this is.
855
00:38:28,833 --> 00:38:30,625
This was a court case.
856
00:38:30,625 --> 00:38:32,875
Roe was a woman
who wanted an abortion,
857
00:38:32,875 --> 00:38:35,750
and Wade was the baby, I guess.
I don't know.
858
00:38:35,750 --> 00:38:38,542
I don't know.
859
00:38:42,917 --> 00:38:46,708
I'm just assuming. I never
found out who Wade was.
860
00:38:46,708 --> 00:38:48,208
Wade must have been
the baby. Anyway...
862
00:38:52,375 --> 00:38:54,875
But now that we don't
have that, every state has
863
00:38:54,875 --> 00:38:57,333
to come up with their own law
based on how people feel.
864
00:38:57,333 --> 00:38:59,000
They have to listen to people
and see how they feel.
865
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,458
I think most Americans
feel on average
866
00:39:01,458 --> 00:39:03,708
the same thing about abortion.
They feel like people
867
00:39:03,708 --> 00:39:05,500
should be able to get abortions
if they need them,
868
00:39:05,500 --> 00:39:08,167
but, you know, just, uh, keep it
down a little bit. That's all.
869
00:39:08,167 --> 00:39:09,625
Just...
870
00:39:09,625 --> 00:39:13,083
Just go ahead,
but, you know, come on, come on.
871
00:39:13,083 --> 00:39:15,875
You know, do it, but don't be
like, "Whoo-hoo-hoo!"
872
00:39:15,875 --> 00:39:17,458
Like, just, you know.
874
00:39:20,208 --> 00:39:22,958
So we need a law that covers
that, that keeps it available,
875
00:39:22,958 --> 00:39:24,750
but limits it.
Here's what I think
876
00:39:24,750 --> 00:39:26,042
we should do.
Let's make this law.
877
00:39:26,042 --> 00:39:28,833
You can get an abortion anytime,
anywhere.
878
00:39:28,833 --> 00:39:30,333
But if you get an abortion,
879
00:39:30,333 --> 00:39:32,417
you have to eat it.
I think that's fair.
880
00:39:32,417 --> 00:39:37,042
Because that'll keep it --
That'll make you, "Hmm.
881
00:39:37,042 --> 00:39:39,167
Fuck. I gotta eat it?
883
00:39:40,958 --> 00:39:43,708
I better do it soon."
886
00:39:57,125 --> 00:39:58,917
Just trying to make
everybody happy, you know?
888
00:40:03,042 --> 00:40:05,708
Some -- Some Catholics believe
889
00:40:05,708 --> 00:40:07,500
that contraception
is murder.
890
00:40:07,500 --> 00:40:09,042
They think if you wear a condom,
891
00:40:09,042 --> 00:40:11,292
if you stop a sperm
from getting to an egg,
892
00:40:11,292 --> 00:40:13,417
you killed a possible baby.
893
00:40:13,417 --> 00:40:15,458
By that logic,
I could say that any woman
894
00:40:15,458 --> 00:40:17,625
that won't fuck me
is a murderer.
896
00:40:21,083 --> 00:40:22,708
Let me tell you, there's a bunch
897
00:40:22,708 --> 00:40:24,708
of murdering bitches
out there.
898
00:40:24,708 --> 00:40:26,958
But...
899
00:40:28,917 --> 00:40:31,333
...murder
is a weird law structure.
900
00:40:31,333 --> 00:40:34,667
Also, that is not a sentence.
Didn't make any sense, but...
901
00:40:34,667 --> 00:40:36,833
murder should be simple
because it's a binary crime.
902
00:40:36,833 --> 00:40:38,958
You kill somebody, or you don't.
They're alive, or they're dead.
903
00:40:38,958 --> 00:40:40,583
It's one or the other.
But --
904
00:40:40,583 --> 00:40:42,333
But the laws around murder
are a little murky.
905
00:40:42,333 --> 00:40:44,583
One person could kill somebody,
get 100 years.
906
00:40:44,583 --> 00:40:47,083
Somebody else gets 20.
Why? What's the difference?
907
00:40:47,083 --> 00:40:49,417
Here's what they base
your sentence on with murder.
908
00:40:49,417 --> 00:40:54,667
They base it on how you felt
when you murdered them.
909
00:40:54,667 --> 00:40:57,750
That's weirdly important.
910
00:40:57,750 --> 00:41:01,417
They say, "Okay,
you shot him in the face.
911
00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:05,333
But what was up with you,
man? Like, what was going on?
912
00:41:05,333 --> 00:41:08,167
Like, come on."
913
00:41:12,042 --> 00:41:13,708
I think if you murder somebody,
914
00:41:13,708 --> 00:41:15,708
your sentence should be based
on how old the person
915
00:41:15,708 --> 00:41:17,708
was that you murdered.
916
00:41:17,708 --> 00:41:20,583
That should matter. How much
of their life did you take away?
917
00:41:20,583 --> 00:41:22,708
Like, if you see
a 3-year-old girl in the park,
918
00:41:22,708 --> 00:41:24,875
and you just kick her
to death...
921
00:41:28,250 --> 00:41:29,792
It's a hypothetical.
Fucking grow up.
922
00:41:29,792 --> 00:41:31,042
It's a hypothetical.
923
00:41:31,042 --> 00:41:34,125
I'm not asking you
to go do that.
924
00:41:34,125 --> 00:41:37,625
I'm just asking you
to just really imagine
925
00:41:37,625 --> 00:41:42,542
just kicking a 3-year-old
till she's dead.
927
00:41:52,375 --> 00:41:55,333
All right.
928
00:41:55,333 --> 00:41:58,833
If you kill a 3-year-old,
you should do a lot of time.
929
00:41:58,833 --> 00:42:00,500
You should do a lot of time.
930
00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:01,750
Unless she's got, like,
diabetes.
931
00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:03,625
You got to work it all in.
But...
932
00:42:03,625 --> 00:42:08,375
But what if...
933
00:42:08,375 --> 00:42:12,542
What if you kill somebody
who's, like, 98?
934
00:42:12,542 --> 00:42:14,833
He's 98, and he's, like,
in a hospice.
935
00:42:14,833 --> 00:42:17,792
He's not even good 98.
936
00:42:17,792 --> 00:42:19,875
He's in hosp--
You know what hospice is?
937
00:42:19,875 --> 00:42:22,458
It's like a hospital where they
don't try to help you.
939
00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:26,375
And say there's a guy, and
he's, like, 98 in a hospice.
940
00:42:26,375 --> 00:42:28,958
He's got --
He's got cancer
941
00:42:28,958 --> 00:42:31,208
and AIDS and COVID.
943
00:42:33,375 --> 00:42:34,833
And he's like
944
00:42:34,833 --> 00:42:37,958
And they just unplugged him.
He's
945
00:42:37,958 --> 00:42:39,208
And right then, you walk in...
948
00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:49,125
...shoot him right in the face.
949
00:42:49,125 --> 00:42:51,500
You should get, like,
five minutes for that.
951
00:42:59,292 --> 00:43:02,417
I was thinking
about that today. I was.
952
00:43:02,417 --> 00:43:05,208
'Cause I'm going to see
my dad next week.
953
00:43:05,208 --> 00:43:07,083
And my dad --
Let me tell you something.
954
00:43:07,083 --> 00:43:11,333
Okay?
My father is not in a hospice.
955
00:43:11,333 --> 00:43:16,042
My dad is in a facility
being kept alive.
956
00:43:16,042 --> 00:43:18,667
For whose benefit?
I don't get it.
957
00:43:18,667 --> 00:43:20,125
It's just he's
958
00:43:20,125 --> 00:43:23,000
And they just put food in
and pbht and just...
959
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:26,667
"Come on! Keep going!"
960
00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:29,625
Like, what does he have --
a secret he hasn't told yet?
962
00:43:34,125 --> 00:43:36,625
'Cause, look,
my mom just died.
963
00:43:36,625 --> 00:43:38,000
She just died.
964
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:39,500
That's how it works.
By the way,
965
00:43:39,500 --> 00:43:41,750
for you young people,
here's how life goes.
966
00:43:41,750 --> 00:43:43,792
One of your parents
is gonna die,
967
00:43:43,792 --> 00:43:47,833
and the other one is just never
gonna fucking die.
969
00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:53,625
They just will never
fucking die.
970
00:43:53,625 --> 00:43:55,500
Ever.
971
00:43:59,792 --> 00:44:02,708
And guess what.
It's not the one you wanted.
973
00:44:04,292 --> 00:44:07,667
Nope.
974
00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:11,250
It's not the one you wish
to have kept.
975
00:44:11,250 --> 00:44:13,792
It's not your good parent.
976
00:44:13,792 --> 00:44:16,542
Nobody's got two good parents.
977
00:44:16,542 --> 00:44:19,458
You have a nice one
and a shitty one.
978
00:44:19,458 --> 00:44:20,750
And the nice one just dies
979
00:44:20,750 --> 00:44:22,375
'cause that's
what nice people do.
980
00:44:22,375 --> 00:44:24,333
"I'll just die. I don't want
to bother everybody."
982
00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:31,167
And the shitty one
just hangs in there.
985
00:44:34,833 --> 00:44:37,833
"Oh, shit.
986
00:44:37,833 --> 00:44:41,042
Another day of this."
987
00:44:45,042 --> 00:44:48,625
Why? What the fuck for,
the long life?
988
00:44:51,833 --> 00:44:54,458
You can live too long,
I think.
989
00:44:54,458 --> 00:44:56,708
You can live too long.
990
00:44:56,708 --> 00:45:00,292
Some people are 100.
Get the fuck out of here.
992
00:45:02,708 --> 00:45:04,625
Nobody knows you.
994
00:45:10,833 --> 00:45:14,250
What, are you gonna run into
somebody? "Hey!"
996
00:45:21,542 --> 00:45:23,958
Some people are even older.
Some people are --
997
00:45:23,958 --> 00:45:26,208
You ever read about
the oldest person in the world?
998
00:45:26,208 --> 00:45:28,458
There's always an oldest person.
999
00:45:28,458 --> 00:45:30,125
And sometimes you read
about them
1000
00:45:30,125 --> 00:45:31,333
because the other one just died.
1001
00:45:31,333 --> 00:45:32,667
That's when they tell you
1002
00:45:32,667 --> 00:45:35,542
that
there's a new oldest person.
1003
00:45:35,542 --> 00:45:39,292
Last one I read about was 114.
1004
00:45:39,292 --> 00:45:42,917
114.
He's a teenager after 100.
1006
00:45:50,083 --> 00:45:51,583
You know what that means?
1007
00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:56,375
That means he's got a kid
who's like, 92...
1008
00:45:56,375 --> 00:46:00,042
who's like,
"Please fucking die.
1010
00:46:02,083 --> 00:46:04,375
I'm just hanging around
so I can have one week
1011
00:46:04,375 --> 00:46:06,125
without you in it."
1013
00:46:13,500 --> 00:46:16,250
I mean, here's the bad news --
You're gonna die.
1014
00:46:16,250 --> 00:46:18,333
Here's the good news --
When you get closer,
1015
00:46:18,333 --> 00:46:20,167
you're gonna want
to fucking die.
1016
00:46:20,167 --> 00:46:22,083
It doesn't keep being good.
1017
00:46:22,083 --> 00:46:25,583
You don't get to keep your life
the way it is. Like, I'm 55.
1018
00:46:25,583 --> 00:46:28,333
Both hands hurt.
Both hands.
1019
00:46:28,333 --> 00:46:29,625
Both my hips hurt.
1020
00:46:29,625 --> 00:46:31,417
I'm lucky I have
only one asshole.
1021
00:46:31,417 --> 00:46:33,958
The whole fucking body hurts.
1022
00:46:33,958 --> 00:46:35,917
When you're, like, in your 30s,
you don't even think about it.
1023
00:46:35,917 --> 00:46:37,667
You're like --
'Cause here's, like --
1024
00:46:37,667 --> 00:46:39,417
There's the beginning of your
life, and there's the end.
1025
00:46:39,417 --> 00:46:40,917
So, like, you start,
like, in your 3--
1026
00:46:40,917 --> 00:46:42,667
Like, you're in your 30s.
You're just shuffling.
1027
00:46:42,667 --> 00:46:44,125
You're not even aware
of this movement.
1028
00:46:44,125 --> 00:46:46,542
You're just shuffling along.
"Hey.
1029
00:46:46,542 --> 00:46:48,167
Life is good. Pretty cool."
1030
00:46:48,167 --> 00:46:49,667
And then somewhere
you're kind of aware
1031
00:46:49,667 --> 00:46:51,542
that way down there,
people are -- "Aah!" --
1032
00:46:51,542 --> 00:46:53,667
falling off the edge.
"Aah!"
1033
00:46:53,667 --> 00:46:57,083
"Oh. Yeah. Weird."
1034
00:46:57,083 --> 00:46:58,875
And then you're not thinking.
Then all of a sudden,
1035
00:46:58,875 --> 00:47:00,667
you're close, and you're, "Aah!
Oh, fuck, I knew that guy.
1036
00:47:00,667 --> 00:47:03,625
Oh, my God. Holy shit."
1038
00:47:07,042 --> 00:47:08,625
But there are signs
that your time
1039
00:47:08,625 --> 00:47:10,125
is coming to an end,
you know?
1040
00:47:10,125 --> 00:47:12,833
Like -- Like they don't
make my shampoo anymore.
1041
00:47:12,833 --> 00:47:15,167
They don't make it.
1042
00:47:15,167 --> 00:47:17,042
It's like, why'd you stop?
Like, you're the only one.
1043
00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:18,625
Nobody fucking cares about you.
1045
00:47:20,667 --> 00:47:23,292
And so I thought, I'm like,
"I'm gonna make my own.
1046
00:47:23,292 --> 00:47:25,333
I'm gonna make
my own shampoo.
1047
00:47:25,333 --> 00:47:26,667
I'm gonna look it up online.
1048
00:47:26,667 --> 00:47:28,333
I'm gonna look
at the ingredients.
1049
00:47:28,333 --> 00:47:30,208
I'm gonna make my own."
1050
00:47:30,208 --> 00:47:35,000
And I found myself at a dinner
telling a table full of people,
1051
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:38,167
"So I decided to
make my own shampoo."
1053
00:47:44,750 --> 00:47:46,458
That's one of those moments
where you tell yourself,
1054
00:47:46,458 --> 00:47:48,750
"Just don't tell folks anything.
1055
00:47:48,750 --> 00:47:50,333
You don't need
to say it out loud.
1056
00:47:50,333 --> 00:47:52,958
Just do what you're doing.
Die as soon as possible."
1058
00:48:00,208 --> 00:48:02,542
Do I have a huge stain?
Yeah, that's all right.
1059
00:48:02,542 --> 00:48:04,500
It's all right. So what?
1060
00:48:06,792 --> 00:48:09,875
Okay.
1061
00:48:09,875 --> 00:48:11,875
No, no, no. Who's running?
1062
00:48:11,875 --> 00:48:13,583
Oh, okay.
1063
00:48:13,583 --> 00:48:15,208
I thought they were coming
to bring me something.
1064
00:48:15,208 --> 00:48:17,333
There's nothing you can do.
1065
00:48:17,333 --> 00:48:18,958
You'd have to change
my whole lifestyle
1066
00:48:18,958 --> 00:48:20,625
for the rest of the show.
1068
00:48:23,375 --> 00:48:27,167
It doesn't --
It doesn't matter.
1069
00:48:27,167 --> 00:48:30,875
I'm fat. I'm fat.
I'm a fat guy. I'm fat.
1070
00:48:30,875 --> 00:48:34,958
I'm fat. I -- My pronouns
are "that fat fuck" and...
1072
00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:42,125
But here's the thing.
I have body dysmorphia.
1073
00:48:42,125 --> 00:48:44,833
I think I look good.
1074
00:48:44,833 --> 00:48:47,625
I like this. I'm fine with it.
1075
00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:52,917
I decided to stop exercising.
1076
00:48:52,917 --> 00:48:55,083
That's what
I decided this year.
1077
00:48:55,083 --> 00:48:58,417
I'm just not doing it anymore.
I made it to 55.
1078
00:48:58,417 --> 00:48:59,917
If I stop exercising now,
1079
00:48:59,917 --> 00:49:02,417
it just means
I might make 75 instead of 78.
1080
00:49:02,417 --> 00:49:04,542
It's not that big
a fucking deal.
1081
00:49:04,542 --> 00:49:05,833
I'm just not gonna do it.
1082
00:49:05,833 --> 00:49:07,875
You know, who inspired me
was Trump.
1083
00:49:07,875 --> 00:49:09,750
It's the one thing
he said that I liked.
1084
00:49:09,750 --> 00:49:11,458
I don't know if you've
ever heard this,
1085
00:49:11,458 --> 00:49:12,833
but Trump believes --
1086
00:49:12,833 --> 00:49:16,208
He just believes.
Nobody told him this.
1087
00:49:16,208 --> 00:49:17,375
But he believes
that you should
1088
00:49:17,375 --> 00:49:21,000
move as little as possible
1089
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:23,833
because you have a finite amount
of movements
1090
00:49:23,833 --> 00:49:26,208
and then you just --
You stop.
1091
00:49:26,208 --> 00:49:28,667
He believes that. He just went,
"Yeah, that sounds right."
1092
00:49:28,667 --> 00:49:33,208
And he just thought it up.
1093
00:49:33,208 --> 00:49:34,458
And he's proving it
to be true.
1094
00:49:34,458 --> 00:49:38,583
I mean, it's fucking working.
1095
00:49:38,583 --> 00:49:40,875
I don't like the new exercise
either.
1096
00:49:40,875 --> 00:49:43,875
I don't like the Peloton,
you know?
1097
00:49:43,875 --> 00:49:45,333
It's a bike you ride,
1098
00:49:45,333 --> 00:49:47,625
and there's a video
that encourages you.
1099
00:49:47,625 --> 00:49:49,292
And they have that mirror
that you stand there,
1100
00:49:49,292 --> 00:49:52,042
and it teaches you
exercises.
1101
00:49:52,042 --> 00:49:53,917
Then they have that gun you put
in your mouth,
1102
00:49:53,917 --> 00:49:55,500
and you fucking...
1104
00:49:56,792 --> 00:49:58,458
Nah.
1105
00:50:01,500 --> 00:50:04,625
No,
you shouldn't kill yourself.
1107
00:50:07,667 --> 00:50:09,625
That's what I think.
You should not kill yourself.
1108
00:50:09,625 --> 00:50:10,875
That's my opinion.
I don't know you.
1109
00:50:10,875 --> 00:50:12,250
Ask somebody that knows you.
1111
00:50:14,167 --> 00:50:16,125
But my general feeling is,
you shouldn't kill yourself.
1112
00:50:16,125 --> 00:50:18,583
You know why? 'Cause you're
gonna die anyway.
1113
00:50:18,583 --> 00:50:20,375
You're gonna die. What are you
getting violent for?
1114
00:50:20,375 --> 00:50:22,042
It's gonna happen.
1115
00:50:22,042 --> 00:50:23,333
"I wish I was dead."
1116
00:50:23,333 --> 00:50:24,625
You will be. Just sit there.
1117
00:50:24,625 --> 00:50:26,125
You don't have to do anything.
1119
00:50:29,833 --> 00:50:31,833
It really is
the most effective argument
1120
00:50:31,833 --> 00:50:34,000
against suicide, is that you're
gonna die either way.
1121
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:36,167
It also happens to be the
best argument for suicide,
1122
00:50:36,167 --> 00:50:38,875
which is awkward.
1123
00:50:38,875 --> 00:50:41,208
Go ahead. You're gonna die
if you don't.
1125
00:50:44,042 --> 00:50:46,542
Anyway...
1126
00:50:46,542 --> 00:50:51,833
a friend of mine sent me
a porn the other day.
1127
00:50:51,833 --> 00:50:54,917
Folks can just send you
pornography now.
1128
00:50:54,917 --> 00:50:59,500
It was a porn.
It was two old men.
1129
00:50:59,500 --> 00:51:02,875
Like, really old guys,
really old.
1130
00:51:02,875 --> 00:51:05,167
And they were sucking
each other's cocks.
1131
00:51:05,167 --> 00:51:08,583
Like, really sucking
each other's cocks.
1132
00:51:08,583 --> 00:51:10,042
They were so old.
I was surprised
1133
00:51:10,042 --> 00:51:13,375
they were doing anything.
But there they were.
1134
00:51:13,375 --> 00:51:16,167
One of them is, like, sitting on
the edge of a bed, and his socks
1135
00:51:16,167 --> 00:51:17,667
have fallen, you know.
1137
00:51:20,042 --> 00:51:22,500
And the other guy
is on his knees on a pillow.
1138
00:51:22,500 --> 00:51:27,292
And he's just fucking blowing
the guy.
1139
00:51:27,292 --> 00:51:29,583
Then they switch places.
1140
00:51:29,583 --> 00:51:32,792
I watched long enough to
see them switch places.
1142
00:51:37,083 --> 00:51:39,792
And when the second guy
was done,
1143
00:51:39,792 --> 00:51:44,583
I called my friend and said,
"Why did you send me this?"
1144
00:51:44,583 --> 00:51:47,917
He said, "Because it's amazing."
1145
00:51:47,917 --> 00:51:51,583
And it really was, you know?
It really was.
1146
00:51:51,583 --> 00:51:54,292
I've watched it a few times
1147
00:51:54,292 --> 00:51:55,958
because it doesn't turn me on.
1148
00:51:55,958 --> 00:51:58,458
It's inspiring.
1149
00:51:58,458 --> 00:52:02,500
'Cause you're like,
"Go, fellas!"
1150
00:52:02,500 --> 00:52:05,083
'Cause you worry
about old guys.
1151
00:52:05,083 --> 00:52:06,917
You know, you see an old man
walking by himself
1152
00:52:06,917 --> 00:52:10,250
with just a grapefruit
in a plastic bag, you know?
1153
00:52:10,250 --> 00:52:13,292
You're like,
"Ah, shit, that's horrible."
1154
00:52:13,292 --> 00:52:17,042
Maybe he's going to suck
another guy's cock.
1155
00:52:17,042 --> 00:52:19,167
Life might be better
than you think.
1157
00:52:24,083 --> 00:52:26,083
It's interesting 'cause
porn used to be like, you go
1158
00:52:26,083 --> 00:52:27,792
find your thing, you know.
1159
00:52:27,792 --> 00:52:30,542
But now you go to a porn site.
It's everybody's stuff.
1160
00:52:30,542 --> 00:52:32,792
You can put in a search word
to narrow it down,
1161
00:52:32,792 --> 00:52:36,125
or you can look around,
1162
00:52:36,125 --> 00:52:38,292
find new things.
1163
00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:40,958
I saw a fart porn one time.
1164
00:52:40,958 --> 00:52:43,875
So fart porn. I never thought
I'd be turned on by farts.
1165
00:52:43,875 --> 00:52:46,333
I'm not interested in farts.
Farts are okay.
1166
00:52:46,333 --> 00:52:48,833
I'm farting right now. I've
been farting this whole time.
1168
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:53,792
And I didn't want to watch it
'cause it was a fart porn.
1169
00:52:53,792 --> 00:52:56,333
It was 'cause of the title.
The title is what got me.
1170
00:52:56,333 --> 00:53:00,292
The title was
"Nice Girl Farts in Your Face."
1172
00:53:02,042 --> 00:53:04,750
Who's not gonna watch that?
1173
00:53:04,750 --> 00:53:09,875
"Nice Girl Farts in Your Face."
1174
00:53:12,125 --> 00:53:14,250
So I click on it.
1175
00:53:14,250 --> 00:53:15,875
And there's this girl
standing there.
1176
00:53:15,875 --> 00:53:18,917
I'm like, "She is nice.
She's totally nice."
1177
00:53:18,917 --> 00:53:21,708
Just a nice girl
standing there.
1178
00:53:21,708 --> 00:53:24,625
Pink sweater with
little blue buttons on it.
1179
00:53:24,625 --> 00:53:25,958
And she's looking in the camera,
and she says,
1180
00:53:25,958 --> 00:53:29,583
"Hi. I'm so glad to see you."
1181
00:53:29,583 --> 00:53:32,292
I was like, "Wow."
She made me feel good, you know?
1182
00:53:32,292 --> 00:53:34,292
And then she turns around
like she's reaching.
1183
00:53:34,292 --> 00:53:36,042
She goes, "I got to show
you something, like, I bought,"
1184
00:53:36,042 --> 00:53:37,875
And she's reaching up,
and all of a sudden, pbht!
1185
00:53:37,875 --> 00:53:41,375
And I was like, "Oh, my God!"
1186
00:53:41,375 --> 00:53:43,250
I mean, it was in the title.
I knew it was gonna happen.
1187
00:53:43,250 --> 00:53:45,000
But I was like,
"Oh, my God!"
1188
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:47,667
She just farted right
in my face.
1189
00:53:47,667 --> 00:53:49,792
She seemed so nice.
1191
00:53:52,917 --> 00:53:55,000
But the best part is when she --
her reaction
1192
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,375
'cause I thought
she would be like,
1193
00:53:56,375 --> 00:53:58,542
"That's right.
I farted in your face."
1194
00:53:58,542 --> 00:53:59,917
But she wasn't. She was like,
1195
00:53:59,917 --> 00:54:03,792
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
I am so sorry.
1196
00:54:03,792 --> 00:54:05,375
I can't believe that happened."
1197
00:54:05,375 --> 00:54:07,375
I've never been
that hard in my entire life.
1198
00:54:07,375 --> 00:54:09,708
I was so excited.
1200
00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:14,542
'Cause I realized it's not
really about the fart.
1201
00:54:14,542 --> 00:54:17,750
It's about the shame.
1202
00:54:17,750 --> 00:54:20,292
It's about the sexy shame
1203
00:54:20,292 --> 00:54:24,167
of a truly nice girl
who just thunder farted
1204
00:54:24,167 --> 00:54:27,417
right in your face,
and she regrets it.
1206
00:54:31,375 --> 00:54:32,667
Here's the worst part.
1207
00:54:32,667 --> 00:54:34,083
I can't find one
that good again.
1208
00:54:34,083 --> 00:54:35,875
I can't.
They're never that good.
1209
00:54:35,875 --> 00:54:40,167
I've been chasing the dragon
on this fart porn for months.
1210
00:54:40,167 --> 00:54:42,167
It's just always
some bored chick.
1211
00:54:42,167 --> 00:54:43,750
"Hello." Pbht!
1212
00:54:43,750 --> 00:54:45,667
Like, come on.
1213
00:54:45,667 --> 00:54:47,833
Tighten it up, would you?
A little bit.
1215
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:57,000
I have been dating recently.
1216
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:59,667
Dating is not fun.
Dating's horrible.
1217
00:54:59,667 --> 00:55:01,500
Nobody wants to date.
Even if you meet somebody
1218
00:55:01,500 --> 00:55:03,292
and you really want to go out
with them and they say yes,
1219
00:55:03,292 --> 00:55:04,542
you're excited
in that moment,
1220
00:55:04,542 --> 00:55:06,375
but the day of the date,
you're like,
1221
00:55:06,375 --> 00:55:08,250
"I don't want to fucking do
this. I don't want to do this."
1222
00:55:08,250 --> 00:55:10,167
Every time I'm ringing
a doorbell to pick a woman up,
1223
00:55:10,167 --> 00:55:12,750
I'm like, "I hope she's dead
in there. I really do.
1224
00:55:12,750 --> 00:55:15,083
I hope something awful
happened."
1225
00:55:15,083 --> 00:55:17,792
I don't want to sit
in a place and breathe
1226
00:55:17,792 --> 00:55:21,542
unevenly for three hours
and just sweating
1227
00:55:21,542 --> 00:55:22,750
where your body.
is folded
1228
00:55:22,750 --> 00:55:24,625
and just, "Uh-huh."
1230
00:55:27,708 --> 00:55:29,667
Do you ever have a date
that goes well?
1231
00:55:29,667 --> 00:55:31,417
It's, like, good
from the beginning.
1232
00:55:31,417 --> 00:55:33,333
You're like -- You get a little
laugh at the beginning.
1233
00:55:33,333 --> 00:55:34,875
"Hi. Ha ha."
Something funny.
1234
00:55:34,875 --> 00:55:36,917
And they both laugh.
Feels good.
1235
00:55:36,917 --> 00:55:38,458
You see you agree on stuff.
1236
00:55:38,458 --> 00:55:40,417
When you don't agree,
you laugh about it.
1237
00:55:40,417 --> 00:55:42,500
You're even able to be quiet a
little bit while you're eating,
1238
00:55:42,500 --> 00:55:44,042
and it's nice, feels
comfortable.
1239
00:55:44,042 --> 00:55:45,333
And then you drop them off.
1240
00:55:45,333 --> 00:55:46,583
You're like,
"I hope I see you again."
1241
00:55:46,583 --> 00:55:48,167
And she says, "I hope so, too."
1242
00:55:48,167 --> 00:55:50,167
And you feel like, "This
is something new in my life.
1243
00:55:50,167 --> 00:55:53,125
This is wonderful."
Then you go home.
1244
00:55:53,125 --> 00:55:55,042
And your wife is like,
"Where were you all night?"
1245
00:55:55,042 --> 00:55:56,458
You know,
and you're just fucking....
1246
00:55:56,458 --> 00:55:58,750
But...
1247
00:56:04,542 --> 00:56:06,292
But I'm older now.
1248
00:56:06,292 --> 00:56:08,042
I'm divorced, and
I still
1249
00:56:08,042 --> 00:56:10,708
date mostly women who are
younger than me recently
1250
00:56:10,708 --> 00:56:13,042
'cause that's who looks better.
1251
00:56:13,042 --> 00:56:14,875
No, no.
1252
00:56:14,875 --> 00:56:17,917
No, it's true.
1253
00:56:17,917 --> 00:56:19,375
But I'm not --
I don't like having --
1254
00:56:19,375 --> 00:56:21,000
I've always been with women
my age or older.
1255
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:22,875
I was married to a woman
a year older than me
1256
00:56:22,875 --> 00:56:24,250
for ten years.
And that's always
1257
00:56:24,250 --> 00:56:26,042
been the way I've been.
But, you know,
1258
00:56:26,042 --> 00:56:28,042
there's some guys that have
to be with a younger woman.
1259
00:56:28,042 --> 00:56:29,500
There's -- There's cultures
1260
00:56:29,500 --> 00:56:31,458
that believe the man
should be much older.
1261
00:56:31,458 --> 00:56:34,375
Like, there's religions
that have, like, a formula,
1262
00:56:34,375 --> 00:56:38,417
you know? Like take
the man's age and subtract ten,
1263
00:56:38,417 --> 00:56:40,583
and then whatever else
you have to do to get to 12.
1264
00:56:40,583 --> 00:56:42,542
Just get to...
1265
00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:46,667
Just -- Just solve for 12.
1267
00:56:50,458 --> 00:56:52,667
But I didn't suddenly get
interested in younger women.
1268
00:56:52,667 --> 00:56:53,875
What happened was,
I got older,
1269
00:56:53,875 --> 00:56:55,208
and they got interested
in me
1270
00:56:55,208 --> 00:56:56,792
'cause the younger women,
like older guys.
1271
00:56:56,792 --> 00:56:59,000
They just do. That's
the other part nobody says.
1272
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,500
I don't do anything to get
younger women.
1273
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:02,542
I just stand there like this,
1274
00:57:02,542 --> 00:57:04,083
and they see me,
and they're like,
1275
00:57:04,083 --> 00:57:06,625
"That would be so weird
to fuck that old guy."
1277
00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:10,042
And then we get blamed.
1278
00:57:10,042 --> 00:57:11,458
The older guy
always gets blamed.
1279
00:57:11,458 --> 00:57:13,083
You see an older man
with a young woman.
1280
00:57:13,083 --> 00:57:14,750
Everybody's like,
"That guy's a pervert."
1281
00:57:14,750 --> 00:57:17,458
No, she's a pervert.
1282
00:57:17,458 --> 00:57:19,667
He's normal.
He likes pretty women.
1283
00:57:19,667 --> 00:57:22,500
She likes that.
1285
00:57:24,250 --> 00:57:26,083
The fuck is wrong with her?
1286
00:57:28,375 --> 00:57:30,083
And they're weird.
1287
00:57:30,083 --> 00:57:32,458
I was having sex with this
woman, and she was about 35.
1288
00:57:32,458 --> 00:57:35,583
And we're in bed.
She starts calling me "daddy."
1289
00:57:35,583 --> 00:57:37,583
I was like, "Please don't,
young lady.
1290
00:57:37,583 --> 00:57:40,083
Please don't do that."
1291
00:57:40,083 --> 00:57:41,667
She said, "Why does it
make you uncomfortable
1292
00:57:41,667 --> 00:57:43,000
when I call you 'daddy'
during sex?"
1293
00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:44,625
Is it 'cause
you have daughters?"
1294
00:57:44,625 --> 00:57:46,083
I said, "No.
1295
00:57:46,083 --> 00:57:51,042
It makes me uncomfortable
because I have a father.
1296
00:57:51,042 --> 00:57:55,958
And I used to call him 'daddy'
when he fucked me.
1297
00:57:55,958 --> 00:57:57,667
So..."
1299
00:58:03,125 --> 00:58:04,458
By the way,
thanks for laughing at me
1300
00:58:04,458 --> 00:58:06,667
'cause I got fucked by my dad.
1302
00:58:08,500 --> 00:58:11,583
I was not laughing at the time
1303
00:58:11,583 --> 00:58:13,417
'cause I was coming,
1304
00:58:13,417 --> 00:58:16,875
because he fucked me good.
1305
00:58:16,875 --> 00:58:20,292
My daddy fucked me so good.
1306
00:58:20,292 --> 00:58:23,625
It's not his fault.
I made him do it.
1307
00:58:23,625 --> 00:58:25,208
I was such a brat.
I was 10.
1308
00:58:25,208 --> 00:58:29,458
I was like, "Daddy, fuck me!"
The poor guy.
1309
00:58:29,458 --> 00:58:31,542
He's like, "I know
I'm spoiling this child,
1310
00:58:31,542 --> 00:58:33,917
but I can't say no."
1312
00:58:36,667 --> 00:58:37,875
Thank you very much for coming.
1313
00:58:37,875 --> 00:58:40,292
I hope that you
enjoyed the show.
1314
00:58:40,292 --> 00:58:42,583
Thank you for coming.
Get home safe.
1315
00:58:42,583 --> 00:58:44,208
Thank you.
Good night.
80809
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