All language subtitles for Bobs.Burgers.S13E21.Mother.Author.Laser.Pointer.1080p.HULU.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Okay, off to school.

Again. It's like every day
with that place.

At least part of the day will be
taken up with that assembly.

Right. Assemblies are...
always so not boring.

- I love assembling.
- What assembly?

It's called
the "College Is Cool" assembly.

I-I guess they want us
to think college is cool.

Well, then they should have
called it "Coolidge."

College? Already?

But you're too young
to think about that.

I think college sounds
kind of fun.

You get to live in a dorm.

I've always wanted to
wear flip-flops in the shower.

You don't need to go
off to college.

Stay home with us.
Wear flip-flops here.

Our tub is disgusting.

Lin, relax.
They're not going today.

It's still a ways off.

Yeah, right.
What, like ten years?

- Four years.
- Oh, God.

Well, we better head out.

Oh, yeah, don't want to miss
a minute. Bye.

- Bye, Mom.
Bye, Mama.
- No, kids, don't go!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

My babies!

Lin. Breathe.

Easy.

Linda? You okay?

You've been making that sound
a lot.

Yeah, Teddy.

I'm just thinking about
how our children

are gonna leave us one day,
and then we'll be all alone.

With each other?

I guess.

Yeah,
you'll-you'll still have me.

- And me.
- Well, more me.

Yeah, probably more you.

Mm.
- Eh, I better get going.

Two funerals this weekend.

Oh, was it a murder-suicide?

- Geez.
- Teddy.
- Sorry, sorry.

My mom got me
hooked on Dateline.

Good show. You get to see
a lot of the country.

Um... bye?

Bye! Enjoy your funerals.

Hi. Uh, my car broke down.

Can I use your phone
to call a tow truck?

Oh, no. Course you can, hon.

I'll get you the number
of the tow guy we like.

- Head Shoulders Knees and Tows.
- Thank you so much.

My son gave me a fancy phone,

but I never remember
to charge it.

I'm like that with toilets.
I never remember to flush 'em.

Yeah, technology, right?

Oh, hi, I'm at Bob's Burgers
on, um...

- On Ocean Avenue.
- On Ocean Avenue.

...on Ocean Avenue,
and I need a tow truck.

Yes, my name is Bea Cromwell.

- Huh. Your name sounds familiar.
- Really?

Eh, maybe it's just
'cause it reminds me of bees.

I'm leaving. Bye, Bob.

- Bye, Linda.
- Yeah, it's a gray Toyota.

- Bye, Teddy.
- Bye, Teddy.

Don't do a murder-suicide.

- We won't.
- Probably won't.

Okay. Thank you. Bye.

- Are they coming?
- Yes.

They said they're busy today,
so it'll be around 45 minutes.

Is it okay if I wait here?

- Sure. Coffee?
- Okay. Thanks.

- So, you live nearby?
- Um...

- No, Connecticut.
- Ooh, Connecticut.

Did you know
it's spelled "Connect-icut"?

- Weird, huh?
- Uh... yup.

What is that?
You print out a whole book?

Uh... yeah, in-in a way,
it's a manuscript.

Ooh, you're a writer?

Were you sick of
writing in Connecticut?

Too much nice foliage?

Sometimes stuff's just too nice.

No, I'm in town for a reading
of one of my books.

Oh, what do you write?
Maybe I've read your stuff.

You write
any of those audiobooks?

I've written, uh, in a few
different genres, actually.

Kids' books, adult fiction...

You're Bea Cromwell!
I know how I know your name!

You wrote Snail and Newt.

Oh, my God...!

Yeah, well, that was many,
many years ago, yes, yes.

Bob, this is Bea Cromwell.

She wrote
all the Snail and Newts.

Uh, yes,
I-I heard you screaming.

Uh, our family has
really enjoyed your books.

Aw, we must have read
Snail and Newt to our kids

100 times
when they were little.

"Snail and Newt gaze at
the sweet strawberry tart.

"'You don't think they'll be mad

"if we take a nibble,
right, Snail?'

"'I don't think so, Newt.

"'What if they left it for us?

"Then it would be rude
for us not to eat it,'

"replied Snail.

"'I hate being rude.

"We'd better eat
the whole thing.'

Snail and Newt begin
to devour the tart..."

"Finally, there it was,
the mysterious treasure

"they had hiked,
biked and climbed to find.

"'We're rich,' said Newt.

"'I do hope we don't get
hoity-toity,' said Snail.

"'Yes. Hoity or toity,

but not both,' said Newt."

- Dad, wake up!
- Dad, Dad.
- Keep reading.

Ah! Sorry, sorry. I'm awake.

"The pond was quiet.
The loudest sound was

"the crickets
in the long grass.

"Snail held Newt's hand
as the changes gripped him

"and he became a true
creature of the under-pond.

"'Newt.

"'Newt, I would give anything
to go with you.

If only I could...'"

I'm sorry, Bob. You take it.

"'If only I could.'

"And when Newt couldn't stay
in the open air

"for another moment,
he let go of Snail

"and slipped
under the surface of the pond.

'Goodbye, Newt.'"

God, it got me, too.

Those are the best books

about snails and newts
ever written.

So, is that
what your reading is for?

- Did you write another one?
- Oh, uh, no.

I-I loved writing those books,

but I wrote them years ago
when my kids were little.

I-I write dramatic thrillers
now for adults.

Books for adults?
I guess that's a thing.

Yes. Yes, it is.

My new book is about
a middle-aged librarian

who learns mixed martial arts
to infiltrate the mob

and break up
a rare books crime ring.

Yeah, that book sounds good.

I didn't really listen to
what you said it was about,

but, Bea,

the Snail and Newt books
were magical.

- Uh, thanks. I don't...
- And if you can make
that kind of magic,

why would you ever stop?

You think David Copperfield
would say, "No more magic"

and never pull out
another dove from his blouse?

You're very sweet, Linda,
sort of,

but I'm not writing
another Snail and Newt book.

But maybe? Maybe?

Am I seeing a nod?
Was that a nod?

Lin, you're the one
who's nodding.

Yeah, okay. All right, okay.

GENE Pizza day, a-pizza day.

I've been chanting this
all morning,

and the teachers love it
'cause it's pizza day.

Ah. Crap.

Huh. Look at Mr. Frond.

Okay. So far I hate this game.

Yeah, I sort of wish
there was more to it.

What has he got there?
Why is he acting so squirmy?

- Let's go make him squirmier.
- But it's pizza day!

It's in the Constitution.

Okay, fine.

Uh, Mr. Frond?

What you got
behind your back there?

Uh-- Nothing. Ah!

Is that cat food?

Yes. That's my lunch.

Adults eat different things.

So we've got that
to look forward to.

Cat food and a cat toy?

You're really into the culture.

- Yep. Uh-huh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Frond.

- What's going on here?
- Nothing!

Okay, then I guess
we'll just follow you

and watch you
during your eat and play time.

All right, all right, listen.

My cat is stuck in the tree
in front of school,

and I'm trying to lure him down
before anyone finds out.

Why is your cat stuck
in a tree at school?

I had to bring him.

Dr. Bojangles has one more day
of his allergy meds,

and he needs it
every three hours.

I tried to sneak him into work
with me, but he got out.

He's very athletic.

I don't know
where he gets it from,

but it's definitely not from me.

Anyway, he climbed up the tree
in front of the school,

and now he's stuck up there.

And if Principal Spoors finds
out I brought Dr. Bojangles

to school again,
I'll be in so much trouble.

He's weird about
bringing cats to school.

I have to get him down
during lunch

because I'm supposed to be
"available for counseling"

fourth period,
and then it's the assembly

and I have to introduce
the college people.

And they want me to say,
"Make some noise

for continuing education,"

and I just don't think
I can pull off

- the phrase "make some noise."
- No, you can't.

So you're just gonna go
to the front of the school

where everyone in the school
can see you

'cause of
this thing called windows,

and you're gonna be
holding some cat food

and jiggling a cat toy?

And jiggling your moneymaker, probably.

You need a cover story.
Like, for instance,

a guidance counselor
and a few students outside,

doing something that is totally
normal and not cat-related.

- Interesting.
- And maybe
all these kind students

receive in return for helping is

a couple of "get out
of detention free" cards?

What the heck is a "get out
of detention free" card?

To get us out of
future detentions.

Doesn't it sound like something
that should already exist?

No, I-I can't bribe kids

with "get out of detention free"
cards. They're not real.

Plus, it would be unethical.
Okay, it's a deal.

- Yes!
- Let me at that thing!

Bob, look what I got
from upstairs.

- Snail and Newt.
- Wait, you went up
to the apartment?

So nobody was watching
the front of the house.

I'm gonna remind her

how special these books are
so she'll write another one.

Or you could just
stop pressuring her

and let her do
what she wants to do?

Well, in my plan
I'm helping children

and bringing families together,
and in your plan...

- Well, your plan sucks,
no offense.
- Hmm.

Hey, Bea, look what I got.

Oh, Snail and Newt.
Yeah, there it is.

- Yeah, look at it.
You wrote this.
- Yes.

Hey, Bea, it's me Newt.
Remember me?

Mm...

I'm Snail, I've got

- a little hat on my head.
- Bob's Burgers.

I just, um...

Actually,
I need to use the restroom.

Uh, would you keep an eye out
for the tow truck?

Sure thing,
my little Bea Author.

- Get it? She does.
- Okay, thanks.

Uh, that was the tow truck.

They're pulling up now,
I think.

Already? No, no, no, no, no, no!

Hi. Uh, I know this is
a little weird,

but could you come back in
a few minutes or half an hour?

Uh, no, that's not
how this works.

No, I know, but it's important.
You understand.

- Uh, just come back in a bit.
- No...

Listen, what if I told you
Bea Cromwell isn't gonna write

any more Snail and Newt books
unless we change her mind?

Yeah... I'm gonna drive away.

- But you're coming back?
- Nope.

Oh! No, wait! Ah, you left.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Did you just do
what I think you did?

Mm...

- Still no tow truck?
- Not yet.

- More like a slow truck, right?
- Oh, my God.

Lin, you sent Bea Cromwell's
tow truck away.

Are we holding her hostage now?
I mean, are you?

Uh, I'm gonna tell the police
it was all you.

- I just work here.
- I didn't mean to.

I mean, I did, but different.
It just happened.

We need to get
Bea's tow truck back here.

Okay, yes, let's call them.

- Or...
- Or what?

- We call them in a little bit.
- What? No.

This is already happening, Bob.

And I was making progress,
pre-progress.

I just need a little more time.

- I don't like it.
- It's fine.

- Bea? You want to have
a burger while you wait?
- Oh!

You know, the tow truck really
should be here any second.

I'd, um, I'd hate
for you to make a burger

- and I can't stay to eat it.
- Oh, don't worry about that.

Bob loves making burgers,
even if they don't get eaten.

Sometimes he just makes 'em and
throws 'em right in the trash.

- Right, Bob?
- No, I don't do that.

- Sometimes.
- Never done that.

- Make her a burger, please.
- Yup.

Look!

Well, I for one

love these outdoor
guidance counseling sessions.

You under a tree,
standing on a ladder,

facing away from us, teaching us
about self-confidence.

- And trees.
- Yup, there's nothing odd
about this at all.

Darn it. He's too scared
to play with his toy,

and he's not hungry enough
to come for the food.

I've never felt that way
in my life.

I need a taller ladder.

- No! The bell.
- Wait, wait, wait,
we can do this.

We'll just skip
our last class before assembly.

No. No. No skipping class.

Oh... the assembly.

Principal Spoors will know
if I'm not there.

Why do I have to be so good
at introducing assemblies?

Dr. Bojangles, I need you
to either come down

in the next 35 minutes
or stay up there

for the next two hours,
for your own safety.

But I don't know if you're
understanding any of this.

He probably got the gist.
He seems smart.

- He is a doctor.
- It's an honorary degree.

I gave it to him,
and I can take it away.

There's so much more
they could do.

These two characters,
they've got legs.

Well, not Snail,
but, you know, like, uh...

Snail and Newt go to
dental hygienist school.

Kids like that, right?

Or what about if Snail and Newt
inherit a haunted mansion?

Oh, I know!
They could find a human baby

and raise it up to be
a country music star.

Maybe I should call
the tow truck company again?

- It has been a while.
May I use your...?
- No.

I can't call the tow truck?

They actually called
while you were in the bathroom.

- They did?
- Yeah, I forgot to tell you.

Oops. They're running
a little late

because, uh... one of
their tow trucks broke down.

Can you believe it?
A tow truck needing a tow truck.

That's like
a doctor needing a doctor.

Wait, they probably do.

Where were we?
Oh! What about, uh...

- Snail and Newt meet
a time-traveling spider monkey?
- No.

Who can tell me
what this constellation is?

- The Big Dipper?
- No.

- Oh.
- Follow the laser.

The Medium Dipper?

Anyone besides Peter?
It's Leo.

He's a lion. See?

Kind of looks like a cat?
Sort of? Not really.

I mean, I don't know
who named these things,

but, you know, maybe cats
used to look different?

- Yes, Gene?
- Uh... nothing.

I just love Leos--
DiCaprio, da Vinci.

Anyway, go on.

Do you think she's starting
to change her mind at all?

- She's coming around, right?
- I mean,

she said, "I'm gonna go work
on my manuscript by myself,"

and then she sat
in the farthest booth away

and she hasn't made eye contact since.

I just thought
if I could show her

how much we love the books...

Lin, I think she's clear
on how much we love the books.

So maybe it's time to... Hmm?

You're doing the right thing,

after not doing the right thing
so, so much.

Bea? I'm gonna give
the tow truck another call.

Okay. Thank you.

Hi, I'm calling from Bob's
Burgers on Ocean Avenue.

And, uh, we would like
the truck to come back.

Uh, can I get you
something else?

More coffee?
Some ice cream? Napkins?

Sorry, I-I'm just saying things
that we have.

Thank you, no.

No, you don't need
to talk to her.

I'll pay extra, just--
Okay, fine. Hold on.

- Um, Bea?
- Yeah?

They, uh, want to talk to you.

Oh, God.

Uh, you have to let go of it
from your end.

- Sorry, yeah.
- What are we gonna do?

Just keep smiling
like everything's fine.

Yes, I want the truck.
I've been waiting for a long...

What do you mean cancel again?

- Oh, no.
- Keep smiling.
Keep smiling.

I definitely want the truck
as soon as possible. Thank you.

Well, I'm gonna wait outside.
No reason.

Yup. Makes sense.

Bea, I'm sorry.
Let me explain!

Oh, you're coming at me. Um...

No, I know what I did was a lot,
but let me explain.

Oh! Oh, oh, look!
Uh...

Snail keychain.
Hey, that's cute.

And now you've got my keys.
Please just, um...

I'd like--
I'd like to leave now!

- Uh, Lin, maybe...
- No, Bea.

You don't understand...

You can't keep me trapped
in here.

Stop! Don't come any closer.

Bea, don't leave.

I mean, you can go
if you want to, but don't.

I'm not saying that
in a scary way.

Don't run away from me!

Bea!

Bea, I'm sorry!
Come back inside!

I'll give you your keys,
we can talk about this!

Leave me alone!

- Lin, stop chasing her.
- I'm not chasing her.

I'm helping her.
I'm fine, it's fine.

- Bea!
- Uh... I-I got--
I got to go inside.

But remember
you can also come inside

and stop doing all of this.

I'll be right in.

It's gonna be fine.
Everything's fine!

If this is goodbye,
I love you.

♪ Come gather round, everyone ♪

♪ We're gonna tell you
why college is cool and fun ♪

♪ It isn't just for squares
who get good grades ♪

♪ It's for super hip kids
with skateboards and shades ♪

Damn, they're getting me
excited about college.

- Really?
- Tina! Louise!

Don't go into the assembly.

I know how to get Dr. Bojangles
out of the tree.

Ms. Twitchell's laser pointer.

She let me borrow it because
I said I want to do science now.

So if you see her,
tell her I'm doing science now.

Gene, you brilliant bastard.

I can almost smell those "get
out of detention free" passes,

and they smell like getting out
of detention for free.

Gosh, I guess we have
to miss the assembly

to go help Mr. Frond again.

- Ugh, too bad.
- Yeah.

Oh, you were being sarcastic.

But won't we get in trouble
for skipping the assembly?

Frond won't let that happen.

Plus, Tina, Dr. Bojangles' life
hangs in the balance, literally.

If only we could
show Dr. Bojangles

that "hang in there"
kitty cat poster.

Okay, fine.
Let's go find Mr. Frond.

Isn't he emceeing the assembly?

Well, he's not here,

so he must be
in hair and makeup?

Why do you need
such a tall ladder?

You could fall and get hurt.

I told you,
it's very important,

but I also can't
tell you anything about it.

Mr. Frond,
I can't let you do this.

You know
how uncoordinated you are.

In-in a cute way.
It's endearing.

Now, let's go enjoy the assembly
together, eh?

Aah!

The assembly.

Damn, he's not here either.

Cat, yes. Frond, no.

Unless the cat ate him?

Eh, there'd be
signs of a struggle

and bits of sweater vest everywhere.

We'll just have to
do this ourselves.

I'm gonna call us
The Pointer Sisters

because I'm so excited!

Oh, it's not working.

- That cat's broken.
- Give me that.

You can't just flick it around.

You got to flirt a little.

I'd date that dot.

Bea? Let me in, please.

Mort!
Uh... Uh, hi, Linda!

Hi, Mort!
- Leave me alone!

I just want to talk to you, Bea!

Mort? Come on, let me in.

We're not letting her in.

Mort, can you tell Bea

I'm a very nice,
normal person?

There you go, follow that dot,

you adorable idiot.

Tina, get ready
to try and grab him.

Uh... Gene, it seems like
you two have more in common,

so maybe you should try.

Okay. Here I come,
Dr. Bojangles.

Permission to put my hands
in your armpits?

- Oh.
- Wow.
- Okay.

Now, you just have to carry him
all the way to Frond's office.

Try to make him look like...
a kid who needs counseling?

If anyone asks,
you're having trouble

adjusting to your parents'
new living situation.

And it's not your fault.

I don't hear her anymore.

Maybe she realized
that she was scaring you

and she went back
to the restaurant?

She's usually a nice person,
when she's not scary.

- Hmm.
- What do you say
we open the door?

I mean, this is a business,

and sometimes people
come in here, alive ones.

Uh... okay.

And... there you go. No Linda.

- Here I am!
- Oh, God!

Sorry. Was that not fun?

That was supposed to be fun.
Look, Bea.

I'm just here to give you your
keys and say I'm really sorry.

Okay, fine. Thank you.

So sorry the tow truck guy left
'cause of me,

and I didn't tell you.

It's only because of the books.

And I won't take up
any more of your time,

but it's $6.50 for the burger.

I'm j-- I'm just kidding.
It's on Mort. Right, Mort?

- Wait, what?
- Oh, I'm kidding.

Burger's on the house,
of course.

You see? I'm a fun person.

Yeah, you're delightful.

Thank you.
Hey, let's start over.

Clean slate.
Hi, I'm Linda,

and I haven't held you hostage
in my restaurant at all today.

- Mm-hmm.
- And so what's your name,
Bea Cromwell?

Bless you.

Oh, there's the allergies.

This guy needs his medicine.

The divorce has been hard
on him.

Ah, almost there.

What's happening here?

So, you'll maybe consider
writing another Snail and Newt?

Uh-huh. Whatever I have to say
until you're gone.

Aw, great.
Well, so nice to meet you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Here's your keys.

We're good, right?
I feel like we're good.

Should we hug?
Let's have a hug.

Uh... no, no, no.

I'll, uh, be right back.

Sorry.

All right. Okay.

Hi, Bob. Yep.

That's pretty much what
I pictured was happening here.

Uh, Bea, I'm so sorry
about what my wife did,

but maybe you could let her go?

Lin, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm great.

Where'd you learn
how to do that?

I studied Krav Maga when I was
researching my latest book.

Very cool. I took
a bike safety class

at the rec center.

- Kind of similar.
- Bea? Uh, M-Ms. Cromwell?

L-Linda's not as dangerous

as she might have seemed
to you before.

Canceling my tow truck?
Taking my keys?

I also picked up a hair of yours

that fell off your head
to show the kids later.

Sorry, I know it's weird.

I just feel safer if we do this
until the tow truck comes,

- and maybe the police.
- I get it.

I still don't know
what cat you're talking about.

- Oh, this cat.
- Uh-huh.

No animals at school.
Wait a second.

I recognize you.

Did Mr. Frond bring his cat
to school again?

- No, no.
- What, no?
- No, no.

He looked at me
when I said Mr. Frond.

See? There.
He just did it again.

This is our... science project.

Yeah. We made it?

- Pretty good, huh?
- Oh, dear Lord.

How dare you
bring a cat to school?

You probably thought
I'd go easier on you

because he looks
just like my cat,

but you can't bring a cat
onto school property.

Everyone knows that.
I'll handle this, Ms. Schnur.

You three march yourselves
into my office.

I'm calling your parents.

I mean,
don't be too hard on them.

No, no. I'm none too pleased.

None too pleased!

It's a good thing I have
allergy medicine for you,

cat I've never met in my life.

In. In. In. In.

All right.

So, uh,
you're really good at this.

- What's it called again?
- Krav Maga.

Maybe Snail and Newt could do,
uh, Kraw Magoo.

- That would be fun. Ow.
- Hey, Lin?

Uh, I know how much you--
we all loved those books,

but she doesn't really
need to write

any more Snail and Newt,
does she?

I mean, you know,
someday we'll have grandkids.

Hopefully, uh, like,
20 years from now,

but you'll get
to read them the books

if you're not in jail.

Bea, maybe you could
let her go?

And I could
hold her down for you?

- W-Would that be helpful?
- I know I went overboard.

It's just I-I thought
if you could write a book,

another book,
we could be back in our bed,

all-all snuggling and crying
and laughing again,

and maybe no one has to grow up
and leave and go to college.

I know it doesn't make sense.
I know.

Lin, if it helps,
I'm pretty sure

at least two of our kids
are gonna have to live at home

for a long time.

I just wish
I could freeze those moments

and go back and live in 'em
a little longer.

You know? Before it's all gone

and we end up here at Mort's.

Get to end up here.
Friend prices.

It makes me sad,

and then I did all this stuff.

- I'm-I'm sorry, Bea.
- Listen, Linda.

My kids are in college now.

And, yeah, it's different,
and I miss them.

And they definitely
don't call me enough,

but it's also good.

Is it? It sounds awful.

- Your life sounds awful.
- Okay, just stop.

It's good because this is
what's supposed to happen.

They're supposed to grow up.

Stuff changes,
and then you enjoy the changes.

And I do so much
less laundry now.

- Oh, yeah.
- That does sound nice.

Thank you, Bea.

I can't feel my arms or my neck
anymore, but thank you.

Bye, Bea!
Maybe I'll come by your reading!

No!
- I'll just stop by.

Ooh, gosh, she's strong.

I love that she put you
in a full nelson.

I love that you were
in a full nelson.

I want to reenact what happened
all night.

Children's book authors.
Great at grappling, huh?

And spelling, I bet.

So, uh,
how was the college assembly?

Was it awful, I hope?
Just kidding.

Sort of. I mean, it's good
if you're excited.

What's exciting is, we're gonna
be able to get in anywhere

because our records are
going to be spotless,

thanks to our friend
Dr. Bojangles.

- Who?
- He's a cat who's also a doctor.

Okay. I'm a little worried
about that.

♪ Every moment we're together ♪

♪ Is another moment
I will treasure ♪

♪ Snail and Newt
in any weather ♪

♪ But too bad it's not forever ♪

♪ Because someday
you'll have to go ♪

♪ And live your life,
though it kills me so ♪

♪ I don't know
how I will go on ♪

♪ Why get out of bed
if you are gone? ♪

What about
Snail and Newt try stand-up?

Oh, oh! Snail and Newt get
fun haircuts. Two tight perms.

Snail and Newt go
on tour with Guns N' Roses.

Snail and Newt start
a fight club.

Snail and Newt go to Buffalo.

Oh, Snail and Newt eat
too much mac and cheese,

and then they can't poop.

Oh, Snail and Newt go
to couples' counseling

and they work it all out.

♪ But every moment
we're together ♪

♪ Is another moment
I will treasure. ♪

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