All language subtitles for Whats.Love.Got.to.Do.with.It.2022.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-English

(KINGDOM BY JOY CROOKES
PLAYING)

♪ Rolling up to vote
I toke my Benson ♪

♪ England's blowing smoke
It needs attention ♪

♪ Could use a lick of paint
A change of colour ♪

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

♪ Think I got a neighbour
that's been feeling blue ♪

♪ But they won't stand down
no matter what you say or do ♪

♪ How d'you learn to love
if you're not taught to? ♪

♪ How d'you dream
if freedom's on a curfew? ♪

♪ Paying the price
to live in our skin ♪

(CROWD CHATTERING)

♪ Who's got love for the taking? ♪

♪ Who's got heart for the aching? ♪

♪ No such thing as a kingdom ♪

♪ When tomorrow's done
for the children ♪

♪ They chop it up and divide ♪

♪ So meet me at the borderline ♪

♪ Where the burning bridges
have been taking toll ♪

♪ We row, we row
We row the boat ♪

♪ We row, we row
We row the boat ♪

Zoe!

-Aunty Aisha.
-Lovely to see you, Zoe.

You're looking fresh.

-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-Oh. Excuse me. Sorry.

Hello. No, no, I can talk.

She's always going!

Oh. Oh, right. Um...

Well, can I come in
and discuss this with you?

I have other ideas.

That's great. Okay, goodbye.

Long time no see,

Miss award winning
documentary maker.

Can I have your autograph,
please?

Kaz.

What are you doing up there?

-Same as always. Sneaky ciggy.
-Oh.

Come up.

Please don't tell me

your parents still don't know you smoke?

KAZ:
I'm an oncology registrar.

It's not the best look, is it?

But they're happy
now I'm getting married.

You are? Hey, congratulations.

-Who's the lucky lady?
-Don't know yet.

What do you mean?

I'm going old school
on this one.

I'm getting
an arranged marriage.

"Assisted marriage".

That's what we're calling it
these days.

Huh...

What, like assisted suicide?

I can't get my head round

marrying someone
you don't know.

It might be easier

than marrying someone
you do know.

Mmm.

Did you never wanna
get married?

(SCOFFS) Ooh,
"never" is a bit harsh.

I'm still interviewing.

-I haven't yet met the one.
-Ah, the one.

You know, just
someone who I could commit

to watching a whole
TV series with, would be nice.

Be nice.

Hey, where's your little
sister? I haven't seen her.

-Jamila?
-Yeah.

-She couldn't make it.
-(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Sounds like
it's kicking off in there.

We should...
Let's go back inside.

I'm gonna have
to find a new hiding place.

They're cutting down the tree.

-No?
-Yeah.

That's... That's so sad!
This is our tree!

I know. Come on.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)

Look at Farooq. He's so happy.

ZOE: Oh, God. Mum dancing.

-Thank you, Aisha, darling.
-(WOMEN WHOOPING)

That was just heaven.

I'll be back
for a gupshup tomorrow.

ZOE: Bye.

-Oh.
-(ZOE SIGHS LOUDLY)

Wasn't it just
so wonderfully exotic?

I felt... I felt like some
sort of glorious concubine.

ZOE: Exotic meaning
good foreign rather than

-threatening foreign.
-Yeah, exactly.

Cath, I forgot to give you
some biryani.

Oh, darling,
thank you so much.

Oh! I cannot believe
that you did not tell me

that Kaz has asked you
to find him a wife.

Oh, my God. You are so lucky.

Zoe would kill me if I even
tried to choose her clothes,

let alone a husband.

That's because you'd choose
someone ill-fitting

-and insist I grow into him.
-That's mean.

-That's what you would do.
-Stop it, both...

-(LAUGHS)
-Bye-bye.

-Goodnight.
-Thank you, sweetheart.

-ZOE: Night, Mum.
-Bye, darling. Buckle up.

So, Zoe, we loved your doc.

Oh, loved it.

-Kids in care?
-Yes, that one.

That's great.
Because I was hoping...

Unfortunately,

your ideas
for your next one...

The bankruptcy courts,
honour killings...

They're a bit bleak.

-Downbeat.
-Yeah. And, you know...

Your scratchier,
darker stuff...

-Which we love.
-We love it

right down to the bones.

-Yeah.
-But...

It's not really rating
for us right now.

I think, look,
what we're after

is sort of more upbeat...

-OLLY: Yeah.
-Character-led stories.

-Warm heart...
-Yeah.

OLLY: Um, feel-good, really.

And we were
kind of brainstorming,

and we think
that there probably isn't

a feel-good version
of honour killings.

-Probably not.
-But, er...

Thank you very much
for coming in.

OLLY: We've connected now.

SAM: Look, we've got
your details now.

So, silver lining.
Always look at the upside.

ZOE: Actually, hang on.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Arranged marriages in modern
multi-cultural Britain.

-Sorry, I wasn't listening...
-I'm sorry...

I was just explaining
that my childhood friend

whose parents
are from Pakistan...

He was born in Pakistan? Cool.

No, he was born here.

But he lived literally
next door to me,

and we grew up together.

And he's just decided
to have an arranged marriage.

I could follow him
on his journey

to marry a stranger

chosen by his parents.

What's he... What's he like?

Well, he's great,
he's funny, good-looking.

-Funny's good.
-Really funny!

Kind. Er, you know...

Literally, the last person
you'd ever expect

to do something like this.

I could interview
other British couples

who've also had
arranged marriages.

Um, older, younger,
happy, unhappy.

Yeah, like in
When Harry Met Sally.

Ooh, erm, don't you mean

When Harry Was Forced
To Meet Sally?

-(CHUCKLES) Right. Nice.
-(CHUCKLES)

Well, this isn't
a forced marriage, actually.

This is his idea.

My Big Fat Arranged Wedding.

Instead of Greek, yeah.
Oh, love it.

Everyone thinks
that arranged marriages

are some sort of
mediaeval chattel swap,

but actually they've evolved

into what's called
assisted marriage

with the parents
just suggesting someone

who they think would be
a good match.

Yeah, love that.
Absolutely love that.

Now, I'm just thinking.

Meet The Parents First.

-(OLLY LAUGHS)
-Meet The Parents First.

-Right. Erm, Or, erm...
-It's called Meet The Parents.

I Hope She's
A Pretty Woman.

(OLLY AND SAM CHUCKLE)

Love Contractually.

-I Love Actually it.
-Yeah.

I mean, think about it.
You got... You got eth, tick.

Female director. Double tick.

Huh!

Wow.

Are him
and his family on board?

Totally.

Absolutely not. No.

ZOE: Come on, Kaz. I'm down
on my knees. I'm begging you.

Out of the question, Zoe.

Kaz, will you please just
do this for me?

Zoe...

-Please!
-I can't talk right now.

I don't know if you've heard,

but I'm an award-winning
documentary film-maker.

-Yeah. I did hear that, yeah.
-(ZOE CHUCKLES)

ZOE: Also, aren't you...
I mean, listen...

Aren't you proud
to be a Muslim?

Of course I'm a proud Muslim.

ZOE: Yeah, then wouldn't it be
a good thing to see

someone like you
on TV for once?

Don't extremist madmen
make more entertaining TV?

No, it's important.
Come on, Kaz, please.

We'll get to hang out,

we'll get to spend
some time together.

It'll be fun. Like old times.

Old times? I just remember you

and my sister constantly
trying to shake me off.

-Does that sound a bit weird?
-(ZOE LAUGHS)

Come on, please.

Oh, God, Zoe, stop.

You owe me.

I never told Aunty Aisha

what you got up to
in that treehouse.

KAZ: All right.
Well, what about this?

We'll meet up,
play a little table tennis.

And if you beat me,
I'll think about it.

Yeah. Sounds good.
No pressure.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

I'm getting...
It's been a while

since I've played this.

Er, dare I ask?
What about love?

It's just a different way
of getting there.

You don't have
to start with love.

You end with love. You know?

And over time,

you grow to love the person
you're with.

Hmm. What?
Like Stockholm Syndrome?

You know, my parents aren't
making me do this.

No, I know.
That's why I'm so surprised.

Do you know what the UK
divorce rate is? I found out.

No. Er, 50%?

-55%.
-(CHUCKLES)

And guess what it is for
Arranged marriages? 6%. Boom.

Thing is, Zoe,
I've seen it work.

I want my kids to have
what I had. Stability.

Marriage isn't just about
two people being in love.

It's a bigger thing than that.

It's about what's best
for children,

and the whole family. Society.

Just say all that weird,
old-fashioned,

conventional shit on camera.

-Fuck, that is so annoying.
-(ZOE LAUGHING)

If I win this rally, right,

you're doing the film.
(LAUGHS)

-(GROANS)
-(YELLS) Yes!

God.

You know where we're going.
I just told you.

I know. But just say it
for the camera.

And look in my eyes.

-What, down to you?
-Yeah, tell me.

Can you give me two seconds?
It's literally just here.

ZOE: And how is this

any different from, say,
dating apps?

Well, I guess you could say
it's kind of like a bespoke,

3D halal Tinder,
operated by your parents.

I'm Aisha Khan.

I'm the cultural consultant on
this very positive documentary

-on arranged marriage.
-ZOE: Great.

If you could just, um,

-ignore the camera.
-MAN: Hi, guys.

Salam aleikum. Mo here.
Mo the matchmaker.

And if you're looking for
a suitable match for your son,

then you've come
to the right place.

We do daughters as well.

Again, just...
You can just pretend

I'm not here.
Sorry, I'm invisible.

Natural. Bring it down
a little bit. Sure, okay.

Okay.

So, platinum services,
they also include me

checking out
the girl's family.

Seeing that she's
from a good family home,

nice, tidy, clean.

Okay. So, guys, tell me,

what kind of lovely lady
are we looking for today?

Someone intelligent
and attractive

and who I click with,
I suppose.

People keep talking
about this click. You know?

He needs a companion,
not a click.

You know, just someone
who can tolerate my parents.

You know, a girl
from the same background.

Soft-spoken, long hair.

Er, not too dark.

Wheatish complexion,
at the most.

Wheat, beige?

Did you bring your
Pantone colour chart?

Be serious about this, okay?

Brother, have a look at these
and tell me what you think.

-No photos?
-No photos yet.

Think about it,
if she's too fit,

then you won't know
if she's a good fit.

You're gonna see the picture.

Yeah. You're thinking
with your little...

You need to be thinking
with your... Okay?

So, religious observance.

Do you want practising,
moderately practising?

-Practising.
-Not too conservative.

And beard or no beard?

What?

Uh, wrong list.
Sorry, give that back.

Sorry.

Um, okay, and modesty,
are we talking hijab?

Are we talking niqab?
Are we talking jilbab?

Niqab is not necessary.

We are a modern family
after all.

Okay. Now, do we want
a housewife kind of lady,

or do we want career lady?

KAZ: Seriously, as long as
we're on the same wavelength,

and we have things
in common...

But not too ambitious,

or too much into this, er,
women's lib.

(REASSURES IN URDU)

And, er, community?

-Pakistani.
-We're open to any background.

But they just said Pakistan.

-As long as she's Muslim.
-ZAHID: But not Indian.

Punjabi, Sindhi, Balochi.
All these are okay.

-Sure, cool.
-AISHA: Actually, it would

be best if she is a, you know,
Jalandhar KPK Pathan mix.

This is getting kind of niche.

Okay, and what's, er...
What's your education, bro?

Bachelors in Biology.
Then medical school.

-He's a doctor.
-Oof.

Listen, top of the food chain.

-See?
-MO: Easy.

And any vices
I should know about?

Any drinking, smoking?

Dogging? S and M?
Anything like that?

-None.
-No.

Okay, Uncle, Aunty,

I will find your son
a brilliant match.

You don't worry about that.
Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

No dogs, no pets.

No, no. Dogging means
something... Don't worry.

ZAHID: Cats are okay.
MO: Cats?

I'll write that down. "Cats".

We met on our wedding day.

My parents, you know,
they showed me her photograph

and I said, "Okay, it's fine."

My mother asked me,
but I said,

"No, you choose.
So, later I can blame you."

Her father was Deputy
Commissioner of the district,

and my father was a doctor
in the same village.

They were friends,

so, they arranged
the marriage.

I remember, on the wedding,

we were sitting on the stage
and the lights went out.

In Pakistan, there is
an electricity problem.

And she got scared,

so I leaned over to her
and said,

"Don't worry, it's nothing."

Then I felt okay.

After that,
it was simple sailing.

You know,
when the lights came on,

I felt he was looking at me.

She looked tip-top.

I thought to myself,

"They made
a first-class choice."

(INCAPABLE BY RÓISÍN MURPHY PLAYING)
♪ Gone cold ♪

♪ It's horrible weather ♪

♪ It's gone stone cold ♪

♪ And you know
we should've got it together ♪

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

♪ Well, it's nice ♪

♪ It's nice to be wanted ♪

ZOE: What was wrong with him?
He looked nice.

-GIRLS: No!
-Him, him. Stop.

He's hot enough
that I'll overlook

that inspirational quote.

LILY: "My mantra is..."

No.

"...you have
to endure the rain

"if you want
to see the rainbow."

What does that mean?

It means I'll have to toss
a Viagra in his mouth

-when he's talking.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)

Daddy's home.

LILY: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
MAUD: Daddy!

ZOE: What are you doing?

I thought the one upside
to getting married

is that you get
to let yourself go?

MAUD: Yeah, what's a Viagra?

Aunty Zoe here, by any chance?

ZOE: I'll go read to the kids

so you can enjoy
some alone time.

Oh, shut up.
Nothing inappropriate, please!

-Mmm-mmm. Never.
-(HELENA CHUCKLES)

Come on. Come here.

Once upon a time...

He can come and listen to me
on my shoulder.

-Ready?
-Yes.

Oh, come here, Maud.

Once upon a time,

there was a girl
and she met a frog.

And he promised her

(IN CARTOONISH VOICE)
"If you kiss me,

"I'll turn into
a handsome prince."

(IMITATES FROG CROAKING)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) And
she said, "I'm not interested

"in fixing anyone but myself.

"And anyway,

"I'd far rather have a cool,

"talking frog
than a boring old prince."

-(CHUCKLES)
-That's not a good story.

Do Cinderella.

All right, I'll do Cinderella,
if you're in bed in

five, four, three, two...

Once upon a time,

Cinderella met
a handsome prince.

And sometimes, kids,
you meet someone,

and you know in a heartbeat

that you want
to spend the rest of your life

without them.

Once upon another time,

Cinderella met another prince.

-You can probably tell...
-ZOE: Because in fairy tales,

a heroine is incomplete
without one.

...how well I've done
out of everything,

And do you know what?

You'd be bloody right,
actually.

ZOE: And another prince.

And he asked her to marry him.

And she said,

"No".

Cinderella focused
on glass ceilings

instead of glass slippers,

which means she focused on work

and realised she was fine
without a boring old prince.

The End.

Check, one, two...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Asalam aleikum,
brothers and sisters.

Welcome to this very,

very special Muslim
marriage event.

I go by the name
of Mo the Matchmaker.

And I'm here
to find you a match. (LAUGHS)

We are gonna end the spinster
crisis together, guys.

Come on.

There's someone
out there for everyone.

And we all have needs.

Divorcees. Disabled people.

Women over 30.

Okay, brothers,

you may now approach

any sisters
that you like the look of.

Good. Rotate. Very nice.

Oh, look at that chemistry.

We keep it halal, here.
We keep it halal.

Be honest. You're not
gonna get what you want

if you don't say
what you want.

Guys, you want a good cook,
say you want your Nigella.

Girls, you want the money man,

say, "I'm looking
for my Elon Musk."

Use your best lines.

Now we are gonna
form a circle of ten.

Five guys, five girls.
Chaperones at the back.

Come on, guys, let's do it.

Your parents are gonna be
so happy, trust me.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Come on.

And, guys,
I want you to be honest, okay?

Is this your first time?

(SCOFFS) Mate, here,
it's everyone's first time.

At least that's what
they'll tell you.

-(CHUCKLES)
-Boys, boys, boys.

What's going on? Why are you
talking to each other?

There's girls here. Okay?

Unless you want marriage
outside of Islamic sharia,

I suggest you stop talking
to the same sex.

All right, boys? Enjoy.

I'm looking for someone
who has patience

and an understanding
of culture.

Someone who's supportive
and honest,

who likes to travel.

Well, just someone
who's great.

And who's British enough
for me,

and, er, Pakistani enough
for my family.

Someone down to earth
with a sense of humour,

who will encourage me
in my religion.

Where are you from?

Erm, Birmingham.
How about you?

Well, I'm from...
Well, I'm from London.

-What do you do?
-I'm a banker.

-What do you do?
-I... Well, I'm a doctor.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

ZOE: Oh, Kaz.

Isn't this a massive,
crazy gamble?

I mean... (SIGHS)

(STUTTERS)
What if there's no chemistry?

How are you even gonna know,

if you don't believe in sex
before marriage

all of a sudden?

I'm not sure I believe in sex
after marriage.

Most of my friends have
no sex after marriage.

And that's with the loves
of their lives.

That's a fair point.
It's depressing.

I think you can usually tell

if the sex would work.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you wanna go
and get a drink?

A Bloody Mary for me,
and a Virgin for you.

I've got lunch
with my parents.

-Oh.
-It's Mother's Day.

Oh, shit.

(ZOE SIGHS)

-KAZ: See you tomorrow.
-Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

-Bye.
-Bye.

(BLESSING IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) Hi, Zoe.

Ah! Allah kum salam,
Aunty Aisha.

-(LAUGHS)
-What?

You still can't say it.
It's...

Asalam aleikum, Aisha.

There you go.

That's exactly
what I just said.

Happy Mother's Day.

CATH: Wish I could say
the same to you.

I was just saying I wish
I could say the same to her.

-Inshallah.
-CATH: Fat chance of that.

I cannot, for the life of me,

find my other
washing-up glove.

And these are new.
I've looked everywhere.

Gosh, hasn't Kazim
got so good...

Where are you? Oh.

...so good-looking?

It's hardly surprising, is it?

Look at his mother.
I mean, she...

She's so elegant,
she could be Greek

or Italian.

The compliment
that's actually an insult.

You wouldn't think
they were Muslims

to look at them, would you?

I don't know, Mum.

What do 1.8 billion Muslims
all look like?

-(INHALING SHARPLY)
-(PAN SIZZLING)

-Careful.
-Just...

We've been very lucky to
have them as neighbours.

Actually, they've become
like family to me

since your father left
for that teenaged whore.

-She's 35.
-Exactly.

Oh, is that Grindr?

My hairdresser's
never off that.

-Anyone we should meet?
-No.

Oh, well, don't leave it
too late.

Human eggs have
a sell-by date, too, you know.

Maybe I'll freeze them.

I could be a 90-year-old
pushing a triple pram.

Well, that's no good to me,
is it? Because I'll be dead.

(SIGHING) Oh...

-(WHINES)
-CATH: How is your egg?

It looks a bit raw.

-ZOE: Mmm.
-(WHINES)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
My Marigold!

That's where it got to.

He eats your
washing-up gloves?

He eats everything.

At least now you can tell
which way round he is.

Oh!

CATH: I'm ringing
my lovely vet.

You're going
to have to take him

to James the vet
for me tomorrow.

Why can't you take him?

It's my day visiting cancer
patients at the Marsden.

I can't. I've got
a really important meeting.

It's the children's ward.

He'll be fine.

He's eaten my HRT patches
as well.

He'll grow breasts.

You'll grow breasts,
you silly dog.

-(CHUCKLING)
-It's not funny, ZoZo.

It is funny, actually.

James, it's me. I... Erm...

It's the dog. I can't explain,

but something
is hanging out of him

at the wrong end.

How's it going then, boy?

Did you find
your missus today?

KAZ: Don't start with me, man.

I knew you were gonna start
with me today.

-Let me just enjoy my...
-AISHA: Anyone good?

(SIGHS) There was no one
I clicked with. There was...

Click and collect.

Ammi, come on.
There has to be a spark.

-There wasn't even a flicker.
-You know what I say.

(AISHA SPEAKING URDU)

(IN ENGLISH)
Simmer first, then boil.

You all want to boil first,
then simmer.

And when it cools down,
you get disappointed,

and throw out the chai.

Yeah, well,
simmer for too long,

you end up with a dry pot.

No-one likes a dry pot, bro.

(ZAHID REPRIMANDING IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) He threw
the thing at me, tell him off.

The problem is, people have
too many options.

(SPEAKS URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) The distant drum
sounds more exciting.

Did you tell him
about the girl

that Mo bhai rang about, huh?

There's a very nice girl
in Lahore.

Convent educated,
excellent family.

Height is okay, five foot two.

If she were five foot,
I would hesitate.

(IN URDU) Why wasn't I told?

AISHA: (IN URDU)
I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

(IN ENGLISH) Supposed to have
a very good nature.

What am I gonna have in common
with someone from Pakistan?

ZAHID: Besides culture,
religion,

language, colour,
family, genes.

Should I go on?

Yeah, think about it. And your
surname will be the same.

She's a Khan?

Passport, credit cards.
No change.

But she's not a relation?

No. But nothing wrong
with that.

You know, Victoria and Albert
were first cousins.

And they had a museum
named after them!

KAZ: Okay, yeah, I know.

AISHA: Listen, we are meeting

the family over Skype
this evening.

You see if you like her.

Please.

(AISHA SPEAKING URDU)

KAZ: (IN ENGLISH) Okay. Don't.

Our parents
both knew each other.

They wanted us to meet.

But we were both like, "Nah".

"No way".

-Sorry, sorry.
-Okay.

(LAUGHS)

Then I saw him at Rumi's Cave.

It's like
this cultural centre.

And we were both part
of the Muslim archery club.

But we never spoke.

-She was on Minder.
-But he was on Muzmatch.

So we were on different paths.

But we were on the same team
for the Muslim muggles quiz.

It's for Harry Potter fans,

looking at Islamic values
in the series.

-And we identified loads.
-And we won!

Team Hufflepuff!

So, then, after that,
we agreed to meet.

And I remember saying
to myself, you know,

"You wander from room
to room sometimes

"looking for the diamond

"that's already
around your own neck."

Rūmī. (CHUCKLES)

(KAZ CHUCKLES)

Okay.

(SKYPE CALL CHIMING)

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Er, hi.

Hi.

Maymouna.
That's a very lovely name.

It's very beautiful.

Thank you.

Are you named
after anyone in your family?

MAYMOUNA: Mmm.

No.

I think my parents
just liked it.

Great. That's...

You're... You're studying law?

Yes.

Well, I thought
about doing law.

But then I didn't.

Do you have any siblings?

I have a brother
who lives here with his wife.

And a sister.

I have one brother, and, um,

and...

(CLEARS THROAT)

My sister lives
in the Northern Areas.

Her husband is posted there.

The roof of the world.

That's my favourite place
on earth.

I haven't
been there yet, but...

I remember the first time
I went.

Um...

My grandfather took me.

That was his favourite place
as well. And, um...

I was just a little boy,

and I'd wandered off
and got lost,

and it was weird,
I wasn't scared. It was...

It was the first time
I felt connected

to something bigger
than myself, you know?

Bigger than
my own fear, and...

My grandfather gave me

a tight slap when he found me,
though. (LAUGHS)

That's still the place I feel
closest to God. Definitely.

And to my grandfather.

How do you feel about possibly
moving to London?

-Um...
-She's fine with it.

She will love London.

It's a very multi-cultural
place.

Full of Pakistanis.

(IN URDU) It's like
living in a giant brothel.

(IN ENGLISH)
I'm sorry about this.

-This is my big brother.
-It's okay.

-Farooq.
-He gives me pocket money.

It's normal.

(IN URDU)
They take their dogs to dinner

and leave their children
at home.

(IN ENGLISH) Don't mind her.

(KAZ'S FAMILY CHUCKLES)

-ZAHID: Very nice.
-Yeah.

JAMES: What's he been eating
this time?

-Mum's HRT patches.
-Ah.

And her washing-up glove.

Last time,
it was her pop socks.

Oh, God.
He's like a fluffy Pac-Man.

Let's take a look at him,

-shall we?
-Mmm.

If you could just hold him
nice and still.

Okay. Come on, Barney.

-Oh.
-There you go.

-Oh, I'm just gonna...
-Sorry.

-(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
-Sorry.

Sorry. Does he
come here often?

So often, I know all his
deepest, darkest secrets.

And even some of yours.

No, I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.

-But your mum has told me...
-(CHUCKLES)

-...all about you, though.
-Oh, God.

Film school in London.

Two documentaries.
And a Radio Times

Viewers' and Listeners' Award.

-She gave you my actual CV.
-And your complete works.

-I'm so sorry.
-(LAUGHS) Don't worry.

I haven't had a chance
to watch them yet,

but they do look really,
really great.

Now, this guy
is gonna be just fine.

If he hasn't passed them
by Friday,

bring him back in,
we'll get him X-rayed.

-Okay. (CHUCKLING)
-(CHUCKLES)

Thanks.
Come on, you silly dog.

Good to see you again, Barney.

And, um, it's lovely to

meet you, too,
for the first time, Zoe.

And you.

If you ever felt
like going out

to get a drink or something,
sometime,

-we could...
-Thank you.

I'm a bit snowed under
with work

-at the moment.
-Yeah, sure.

Just 'cause your mum said
that you... But never mind.

Um...

-Let me get the door for you.
-Yeah.

Thank you. Sorry about that.

-Ta-da!
-Er, mmm...

-Uh, look after that guy.
-I will, thanks.

-Thanks so much.
-And let me know

if your workload...

eases.

(SINGING)
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Mum ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

CATH: Thank you!

I can't actually
talk right now

because I'm about to, um...
I'm about to go and

put some grand eggs on ice
for your birthday present.

Ooh!

Yeah. So, you can stop

setting me up
with total strangers.

What a wonderful
birthday present.

Would you like them
gift wrapped?

(ZOE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Is there an express service?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Just come in here
on your lunch break.

And then in your 60s,

we defrost your baby.

No.

No.

Egg harvest.

Yeah. Sounds festive, huh?
It's not.

Listen, how much
do you want to be a mother?

Mmm. Well,
I'd rather be a father.

Then you don't have

-to juggle everything.
-Yeah.

No, I, um...

Of course,
I want to be a mother.

I just...

You know, I want to find
the right person. And not yet.

That's why I'm here.

I keep seeing all these women
in their 50s having babies.

So, that's gotta be
frozen eggs, right?

Ah. The same women
that have, like,

really nice skin
and no eye bags

because they use
the right moisturiser?

Yeah, highly unlikely.

Do you know the success rate
for frozen eggs?

Well, I know

-it's not a guarantee.
-(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

DOCTOR: No. (SCOFFS)

It's...

1%.

1% of frozen eggs
result in a live birth.

Really?

But much better odds
for frozen embryos.

-(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)
-Okay.

Um, how do I freeze
an embryo, then?

Just come in with a partner.

Or, you know,
pick a sperm donor.

Or just find a nice
gay friend. That's...

I don't have a partner.

I thought that was the whole
point of this egg freezing,

is that I don't have to put
all my eggs in one bastard.

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

He texted me instead of her
by mistake.

(SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY)

-Who is she?
-Someone in his office.

I should have known.

He kept not remembering

-her name.
-(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-Hang on.

Where are you going?
That's not him, is it?

Can you deal with the kids?

Oh, my God.

Once upon a time,

there was a girl called
Little Red Riding Hood.

She'd had a bad week.

And all she wanted
was to feel better.

Or to feel nothing.

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

So, when her mother warned her
not to stray off that path,

and talk to any strangers

Little Red Riding Hood
thought to herself,

"Where's the fun
on a well-trodden path?"

And of course, she met a wolf.

In an instant,

all those bad feelings
disappeared, like magic.

"What's the worst
that could happen?"

she thought to herself.

"So, a bad boy wolf
wants to eat me?

"A little nibble here
and there can't hurt.

"Can it?"

(WATER RUNNING)

(GROANS)

-(SIGHS)
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

-(DOOR OPENS)
-MAN: I was in the shower.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Sorry. Yeah, I, um...

I fell asleep with my phone
on silent.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(CONTINUES BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MEN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

(ZOE STUTTERS)

(KAZ GRUNTS AND GROANS)

-Ooh!
-(KAZ CONTINUES GROANING)

-Man down.
-KAZ: Ah, come on. Bloody sub .

(GRUNTS)

KAZ: You're on.

(ZOE LAUGHS)

Did you get the goal,
at least?

No, I just got you going
down like a skittle.

Great.

(LAUGHING)
That looked painful. Oh.

Hang on,
let me just get this mic on.

I've definitely
pulled something.

So...

What was...

-What was so urgent?
-I, er...

-I've got news.
-Yeah?

I'm, er...

I, er... I got engaged.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I know. It's crazy,
right? But we've...

been talking quite a lot.

And been texting and FaceTime.

And we keep talking.

(KAZ GRUNTS)

I really like her.

And the wedding's not for
a whole 'nother month, so...

-A month?
-Yeah, I know.

My mum's already handed out
sweets to the whole street.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-It's love at first Skype.

Well, obviously not, no.

Love at first anything's
a mental health issue.

So, um, how old is she again?

Willmore, track! Willmore!

-22.
-ZOE: Leaving the party early.

Not worried about the age gap?

I knew you were
gonna ask that.

No, she's super smart.

And you reckon that you have
enough in common?

Well, we will have.

She gets it.

She understands
how it all works.

You know, she wants to be

-a human rights lawyer.
-Wow.

Sorry.

I'm just taking it all in.
Um...

So you really will be
marrying a stranger.

I guess, in the end,
so is everyone else.

Everyone turns out to be
someone else,

or fucking someone else.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Can you turn the thing
on the...

No, no, no. Sorry. Sorry.

Zoe, off!

What's up?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Uh, sorry.

Oh, it's just been
a challenging week.

What? Another date with
someone you already hate?

(ZOE CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFLES)

What you need is a holiday.

Yeah. (SIGHS)

In Lahore.

ZOE: Mmm.

Oh, darling.

Just in time for a quick bite
before we leave.

Great. Oh, sorry. Eggs again?

No, no, no. Omelettes.

Come on.

Ooh, now in there
is a little care package

I've put together for us.

Just the basics.
Imodium, HobNobs, rape alarm.

Is Barney joining us?

Don't be silly.
Although, um...

No, James is coming
to pick him up

-and I thought that... Ooh!
-(DOORBELL BUZZES)

There he is. I thought
he might like to join us

for a little... Little lunch.

-James!
-JAMES: Hi.

CATH: My favourite
dog whisperer.

Oh, come in.

Zoe. You remember James,
don't you?

James delivered
your pop socks. Hi.

Talking of which...

-So, how have you been?
-Oh, you know, saving lives.

A gerbil, a cat,

octogenarian tortoise
who's making a slow recovery.

(CATH LAUGHS)

-Sorry.
-He's so funny.

He's so... He's so funny.

Why don't you just sit,

and have a chat
while I cook the toast?

So, you're off to
a fancy wedding

-in Pakistan, I hear?
-Yeah.

I've never missed
a Khan wedding,

and I can't wait
to wear a burkini

-on the subcontinent.
-Wow.

Except for Lahore
is nowhere near the sea.

Well, you never know
where we might end up.

And when we come back,

we should have dinner
with James.

We'll get Helena
and Harry over.

Helena is Zoe's
very good friend.

She's married
to a lovely man called Harry.

Who's been having an affair.

-Harry?
-Yes.

-No? I can't believe it.
-Yes!

I'm pretty sure most
married men would cheat

if they could get away
with it.

James wouldn't.

Even if you're sure
your wife would never know?

No, of course not.

Why not?

Because I'd know.

(CATH CLEARS THROAT)

-(EXHALES)
-CATH: Bon appétit.

JAMES: Mmm.

-(DOORBELL BUZZES)
-Wait a minute, pet.

Oh!

So, erm...

-Oh, hello, darling.
-Hello!

You're early.
Why are you so early?

Flight doesn't leave
for hours.

I know. I know. We just need

to allow extra time
for security.

Why?

So, I can be
randomly selected.

Oh! Oh.

Oh...

Well, that's a shame.

James was about to tell us

something

-absolutely hilarious.
-(ZOE LAUGHS)

Look who's here.
He says we've got to go.

Sorry, Mum, that your enormous
efforts have gone to waste.

But, you know, we've got
a plane to catch, and...

Kaz, the doctor...

-Hi.
-Hi.

...meet James the vet.

I've heard all about you.
Good luck with the wedding.

-Thank you.
-Oh. Barney. Barney.

-Mummy go shopping.
-(WHINES)

Mummy go shopping.

Don't tell Barney that
I'm off to Lahore,

because he'll get...

Shopping. Shopping.
Stay. Shopping. Stay. Stay.

JAMES: Let me help you
with the cases.

KAZ: No, I'll get them.

Well, I'm looking forward
to hearing how it all goes.

-Yeah, you, too.
-Great. Well...

-(STUTTERING) Oh...
-I mean, thanks.

-Great. Yeah.
-Bye. Bye.

Oh, James.

I am so sorry
that we've got to go. But...

Well, I'll FaceTime you both
from Pakistan

or, or...

Cover my FaceTime. (LAUGHS)

You set me off.

Keep that, just in case
you might want to go shopping.

Bye. Darling, bye.
Eat the omelettes.

-Okay. Yeah.
-Bye. Bye.

CATH: Bye!

Barney.

And this is her in
the nativity play where...

You don't know
what that is,

but I'll explain later.

Her when she was
a little baby.

She was only three months old.

(SIGHS)

Are you all right?

It's thought field therapy.
It's, er... (CLEARS THROAT)

...a technique.

I don't like flying.

I don't like flying.

Even the lingo's morbid.
It's what?

"Final destination".
"Departed".

Or "Terminal".

-FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Some nuts, sir?
-Thank you.

You're welcome.

Who was that guy
at your mum's house?

Mmm.

If I were Pakistani,
he'd be my arranged husband.

-Sounds ideal.
-Except that he's not my type.

-What is your type?
-(LAUGHING) Oh!

-But is that wrong?
-Yeah.

Uh, don't know. (CHUCKLES)

Can I ask you a question?

Would you cheat if you knew
you'd never get caught?

Be honest.
If your wife would never know.

No.

Why not?

Well, he'd know.

(RUMBLING)

Oh.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-He's listening.
-(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Aren't they
desperately uncomfortable

covered up like that
in this heat

except for their eyes?

No, not as uncomfortable
as those poor women

who are uncovered
except for their eyes.

Like on Love Island.
You see, Cath,

our women are valued
for what's on the inside.

Which is why we don't have
plastic surgery

and anorexia,

and all these
Western diseases.

Well, I suppose a burka's

wonderfully forgiving,
isn't it?

A rupee for your thoughts?

Oh, it's even better
with my sunglasses off.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

What a beautiful hall.

KAZ: I'm not trying
to upset you.

We can't go on like this.

You know this has caused me
the greatest pain in my life.

And that of
your grandmother, too.

Then, there's nothing
we can do about it.

Okay.

I'm so proud of you.

Let's not spoil
this happy occasion.

They met on their wedding day.

He came to her village
on a white horse

to take her away
from her home.

(IN URDU) In youth,
even a crow looks princely.

(IN ENGLISH)
Er, like a charming prince.

(IN URDU)
I was allergic to horses.

(IN ENGLISH)
And they rode off together.

ZOE: And did they
fall in love?

(IN URDU) Fall in love,
lose your peace.

(IN ENGLISH) You know,
we always say, it is, uh,

better to fall into like,
and walk into love.

(IN URDU)
It was a good match.

(IN ENGLISH)
It was a good match.

(REPEATS IN URDU)

-Asalam o aleikum.
-Waleikum salam.

-Asalam o aleikum.
-Waleikum.

(WOMEN CHATTERING IN URDU)

(GREETING AND SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)

(GREETING IN URDU)

-Asalam o aleikum.
-Waleikum salam.

(IN URDU)
What a beautiful girl!

(IN ENGLISH, CHUCKLES)
Thank you.

Pleased to meet you
in person, finally.

Thank you.

How are your studies going?

Good.

Good.

Um, I was thinking
we could maybe

do something together
this evening.

-(CRASHING OVER SPEAKERS)
-(MAN GRUNTING OVER SPEAKERS)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING
OVER SPEAKERS)

(CRASHING CONTINUES
OVER SPEAKERS)

We met on Skype.

Um...

I thought she was...

You know, attractive,
obviously. And intelligent.

Full of life.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know
what you thought of me.

I thought he seemed
nice and reasonable.

ZOE: That's great. Um...

Can you tell me

how... How did you propose?

Um...

Well, actually, my...

parents proposed
to her parents.

ZOE: It must have been

daunting for you, Maymouna,

deciding whether
to spend the rest of your life

with someone you hardly know.

MAYMOUNA: Mmm.

If my parents are comfortable
with their decision,

I'm okay with it.

And we talked a load
on the phone.

And then we got
to know each other.

ZOE: Can you sum up
how you both feel?

Good.

Feels... Feels
like the timing's right.

And...

Can you see yourselves
falling in love?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yes, inshallah.

Whatever "in love" means.

ZOE: Hmm.

(MUEZZIN CALLING TO PRAYER)

Did he remember you
from when you were a kid?

-Yeah, that's family...
-Well?

-Hey, morning.
-Where are you going?

You haven't even
had breakfast.

I need to go to the tailor.

Then I was gonna take Zoe
to Anarkali bazaar.

You're gonna love it.

It's a massive bazaar

named after
a beautiful dancing girl.

Who was buried alive
by Emperor Akbar

because she was an unsuitable
match for his son.

(BLOWS, WHISPERING)
Buried alive.

I'll see you later.

Yasmin. Take this
for Nani Jan.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)

ZOE:
I can't believe you said...

"Whatever love means".

KAZ: Huh?

That's what Prince Charles
famously said

when he got engaged to Diana.

I thought
that sounded familiar.

They basically had
an arranged marriage.

Yeah.

That worked out really well.

Princess Diana wanted
to marry a Pakistani man.

-Doctor Hasnat Khan.
-Doctor Khan.

-Mother said no.
-What happened to him?

He had an arranged marriage.

Lived happily enough
ever after?

Got divorced.

He'd become too much Western.

-(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
-(VEHICLE HORNS TOOTING)

ZOE: Okay, question.

What did you think of her?
In real life?

-She's great.
-Yeah, but, um,

did you fancy her?

Zoe, please. Do I have to say
that on camera? Come on.

-So annoying.
-Fine.

And are you nervous
about the mehndi tonight?

Actually, just tell me
what that is.

Well, in Pakistan,
we really like

to draw out
the wedding celebrations.

It's over three days.

Uh...

And first it's the mehndi,
which is tonight.

And, uh...

Kind of like a stag
and a hen rolled into one.

Except your grandparents are
there, which is lovely.

And the groom
isn't stripped naked

and tied to a lamppost.

And then the next day
is the nikah,

that's the actual marriage.

And the shaadi.
Then, er, walima.

Where the main thing is
you have to look

like you haven't enjoyed
your first night together.

(CHUCKLES) What if
you haven't enjoyed

your first night together?

-No comment?
-No comment.

(CHUCKLING) Can we go in?

(GASPS)

My mum would love this.
Can I film in here?

(SHOPKEEPER ANSWERS IN URDU)

(KAZ AND SHOPKEEPER
GREETING IN URDU)

Afghanistan.
(SPEAKS URDU)

(SHOPKEEPER
CONTINUES EXPLAINING IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) It's beautiful.
How much is it?

(SHOPKEEPER QUOTING A PRICE)

(IN ENGLISH) 15,000.

(KAZ AND SHOPKEEPER HAGGLING
IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) Give him 10,000.

Here.

Thank you.

Thanks, Kaz.

You know

all that stuff,

passion, and...

chemistry, whatever you want
to call it,

it's not
the most important thing.

Doesn't last, anyway.

ZOE: It's amazing.

(CONVERSING IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH)
He thinks you're my wife.

(SPEAKS URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) I'm saying
that you're just a friend.

Just friends.

I was your first kiss, too.

In the treehouse.

(ZOE CHUCKLES)

(ZOE THANKS IN URDU)

I just can't believe
you've forgotten.

(ZOE CHUCKLES)

(CONVERSING IN URDU)

Kaz.

Hmm?

(IN ENGLISH) What was that row
with your mum about?

It's...

Just about Jamila
coming to the wedding.

Why is what she did so bad?

A Muslim woman isn't supposed

to marry a non-Muslim guy.
It's haram, innit?

-I know.
-She ran off with this guy,

broke my grandfather's heart.
Literally.

He died a week later.

You can't blame that on her.

Then she didn't even come
to the funeral.

Why not?

She wanted him...

David, to be welcome, too.

Can I film you saying
this stuff?

-No.
-Please, Kaz.

I can't just show
what you want me to show.

If it's not truthful,
it just won't have any value.

Please.

-Okay. I'm sorry.
-You know they've had a baby?

My mum's first grandchild
who she's never even met.

All this unhappiness.
All she did was fall in love.

No, that's not
all she did, Zoe.

She chose love over family.

But isn't that the whole point
of marriage?

There are some things

I don't expect you
to understand.

Can you explain to me

how it's so different
even though we grew up

on the same street?

-How are we different?
-Yes.

-Are you serious?
-Please.

(SCOFFS) Okay.

For a start, you don't
get asked every week

where you're from originally,

or how often you
go back to Pakistan.

You're British,
I'm British born,

which we all know is just code
for non-white.

Brit-ish, you know.

And you're not expected
to apologise profoundly

on behalf of all brown people

every time there's
a terror attack

anywhere in the world.

There was an entire continent

between number 49 and 47, Zoe.

Isn't that why
you're making the film?

(MUEZZIN CALLING TO PRAYER)

I have to pray. I'll be back.

(MUEZZIN CONTINUES CALLING)

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

(UPBEAT DRUMMING)

(SHEHNAI PLAYING TUNE)

Thank you.

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

Zoe.

Zoe.

You're in the bride's way.

You look very beautiful.

Thank you.

Hi.

-Hi.
-Hi.

(IN URDU)
Why are all the women here

dressed in easy access
garments?

(IN ENGLISH)
This is Pucci. Baby.

And that's Mousey,
Toffee and Binky.

(IN URDU) Do they have
no shame?

I want to go home.

(IN ENGLISH) Nani Jan,
please don't leave.

Not yet. It's...

Let her leave.

When dinosaurs leave,
at least we all can relax.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(IN ENGLISH)
Sorry about this.

(AISHA SPEAKING IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH)
Not too much smiling.

Now the party starts.

(OVER SPEAKERS)
♪ Pin up girl on that poster ♪

♪ Say so like I'm Doja
Icey ♪

♪ Wifey
Body shape Coca-Cola ♪

♪ I got a new man in my business ♪

♪ And he all about his business ♪

♪ And his name ain't
none of your business ♪

KAZ: Oi, don't get drunk, fellas.

♪ Oh, baby, let them know
'Cause they can run they mouth ♪

Ooh!

What... There's something
in that? What's in that?

It's Coke masala.

-Masala?
-It's really good.

-It's so good.
-(CHUCKLES)

-Whisky.
-Oh, my God.

♪ Money long like beaches
Rolls Royce screeching ♪

♪ Rolex gleaming ♪

♪ Let them know
Oh, baby, let them know ♪

♪ 'Cause they can run they mouth ♪

-I'm gonna head over there.
-WOMAN: Congratulations.

WOMAN: Selfie, selfie.

Have you seen Maymouna?

-I think she was...
-There she is.

And she's a blonde.

Kaz! Come!

-ZOE: Ooh!
-(MAYMOUNA GRUNTS)

Kaz, you... You still haven't
met my friend.

-Taqi.
-Ah.

Lahore's hair king.

Er, queen, darling.

And don't the honeymoon
highlights look fabulous, huh?

-(MAYMOUNA CHUCKLES)
-Amazing.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Nice to meet you.

-Hi. How are you?
-High. How are you?

(CHUCKLES) He means,
"How high are you?"

(TAQI AND WOMEN GIGGLE)

Sorry. This is my friend, Zoe.
We're friends from London.

-Hi. You want a jay?
-Hey.

Oh, no. No, thanks.

WOMAN: Take one.

Taqi brings all the treats
to the party. Always.

Darling, I'm only
following the rules.

The Quran says,

if a man lies
with another man,

-he should be stoned.
-(LAUGHS)

Married tomorrow.

-Sin tonight?
-I'm good, thank you.

Oh, my God.

I hope I'm not gonna be
calling you chachoo.

(CHUCKLES)

-What's "chachoo"?
-It means "uncle".

I thought
that you'd all be more...

More modern,

living in London and all,
you know.

But I mean, hello?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Oh... (CHUCKLES)

Finally.

Hmm.

-(TAQI AND WOMEN LAUGHING)
-(COUGHS)

-(ZOE AND KAZ LAUGH)
-Let's... Let's dance.

-You coming?
-Uh, not right now.

-You guys go. Have fun.
-Aw...

(SPEAKS URDU)

I think I'm gonna just...

You want?

No, I'm gonna go and follow...
Nice to meet you guys, though.

Bye!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)

Whoo!

She likes a party.

Yeah.

Not exactly what my parents
had in mind.

KAZ: We should go.

(CROWD CHEERING)

ZOE: Are you okay?

KAZ: Just tired.

You're sure it's okay to

leave your own mehndi?

No-one's gonna notice,
trust me.

Chachoo.

(MAN SINGING FOLK SONG)

One second.

Oh, wow.
I wanna show you something.

-Come. Come.
-What?

(PEOPLE SINGING IN CHORUS)

Sufi music.

No, Zoe. Just listen.
Just listen. He's...

He's singing to God.

Singing about a...

dangerous love.

Keeps him awake at night.

(CONTINUES SINGING FOLK SONG)

(VOCALISING)

You see?

He's going mad.

(SINGING PASSIONATELY)

I told you, Zoe.

Love is a dangerous
mental illness.

(CONTINUES SINGING
PASSIONATELY)

(EXHALES) What?

I didn't forget it.

The treehouse.

(KEYS JANGLE)

(PHONE SCREEN TAPPING)

If it wasn't for Islam,

there would have been
no Reformation.

-No Renaissance.
-Hi.

ZAHID: No toothbrushes.

Hi.

Hello, everyone.
That was a hoot, wasn't it?

-AISHA: Have something to eat?
-I'm fine.

Where did you all go?

I was perfecting my Hollywood,

Dollywood, Bollywood,

thingies, and I turned round,
you'd all disappeared.

What else did Muslims invent?

-SUMAIRA: Algorithms.
-Bicycles.

-Coffee. Algebra.
-Chickens?

-ZOE: No, that's...
-Chicken korma?

-The first flying machine.
-Yes.

-Yes, well done.
-That's right!

(ZAHID EXCLAIMS IN URDU)

CATH: (IN ENGLISH) I could do
without algorithms myself.

AISHA: (IN URDU) Thank God

(IN ENGLISH) the bride didn't
join the dancing last night.

Oh, well, no, you...

No, she didn't.

-You enjoyed yourself.
-(SOFTLY) Hi.

That's important.

Um, do you think we can talk?

5:00 p.m. sharp for the nikah,
everybody, okay?

-I'm not sure...
-No, on camera, I mean.

(ZOE CLEARING THROAT)

(CAMERA BEEPS)

You're getting married
in a few hours.

KAZ: Yeah.

How are you feeling?

Feeling fine.

No pre-wedding nerves, or...

No.

I'm all good.

You're still fully signed up
to this?

Yes.

And this is what you want?

Yes, this is what I want.

Is that it, or...

Got everything you need?

Kaz, this is mad.

What's... What's mad?

(SOFTLY) I just, um...

I just... I feel
like everyone's pretending.

-Who's pretending?
-Er...

(SCOFFS) Everyone.

I mean, just you're pretending
Jamila doesn't exist.

Er, pretending Maymouna
doesn't dance.

Pretending no one has sex!
Kaz, you're 32 years old!

And your parents don't even
know you smoke.

Oh, my God. I told you before.
That's about respect, Zoe.

This is not a veil
on your sins.

This is a bloody great burka
shrouding your whole identity.

What do you want?

I don't want you to marry
someone you don't love.

Life's too short.

And too long
to marry the wrong person.

What do you want for you?

Well, this isn't about me.

Don't worry about me.
I'm fine.

You keep questioning
my decisions.

Maybe you should focus
on your own choices.

What is that supposed to mean?

Maybe the reason
you haven't got anyone

to watch a TV series with

is that you actively

search out anyone
who is wrong.

Oh, my God. This is bullshit.

No, it's not bullshit.

A man could be wearing
a literal red flag,

and you'd think it was
a sexy colour on him.

If the first person you date
is a dick, you're unlucky.

If the next ten people
you date are dicks,

then maybe you need

to take a long look
at yourself in the mirror,

and ask yourself why.

Have you got any more

profound psychological
insights?

I have a question.

Does it hurt less
when you aim low and miss?

Huh.

(SIGHS)

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS)

NANI JAN: (IN URDU)
Be careful.

(IN URDU) I didn't see you,
Nani Jan.

But you heard me.

Don't break our hearts again.

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(IN ENGLISH) Agreed.

All Pakistani brides
always cry

as they leave their family.

It's a tradition.

(WHISPERING)
Isn't it gorgeous?

MAUD: Can we have
Beauty And The Beast?

LILY: Yes, please.

Yeah, of course you can.

Come on, then.

-Coming.
-(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS) Beauty And The Beast.

Well, Beast had his faults.

But persistence pays off.

He didn't actually lock Beauty
in his cellar.

That's just
what a relationship

felt like to Beauty.

Over time,

Beauty grew to enjoy
Beast's company.

You know,

he was dependable
and available,

and there's a lot to be said
for those qualities.

Was the Beast
her dream hunk? No.

Did he sweep her
off her feet? No.

Did he take her breath away?
Perhaps not.

But Beauty had learnt

that it's better
to simmer, then boil.

Do you not have to be a vegan
to do your job?

To be a vet.

No, actually, normally,

I'm only allowed to eat

the animals I put down.

-I'm kidding.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

JAMES: I'm...

-(LAUGHS)
-(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

That's so close
to the bone. (LAUGHS)

HELENA: Right,
does anyone want anymore?

ZOE: What the Beast was, kids,

was good enough. (SCOFFS)

And sometimes,

good enough is good enough.

And she was in love
with the Beast.

She was in like with him.

What do you mean, "in like"?

In like with him,
which is way more important.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-Zoe.
-Great crowd.

OLLY: Mmm.
ZOE: Yeah.

-Diverse.
-SAM: Tick.

-Ooh. Grey pound.
-Tick.

This is my mum, actually.

Mum, this is Olly and Sam
who commissioned the film.

Oh, important. (LAUGHS)

So nice to meet you.
Am I in it?

Oh, you'll have
to wait and see.

-(LAUGHS)
-ZOE: Yeah.

Oh, that's James.

This is Zoe's boyfriend.
Saintly.

And he's a top vet.

Aren't you?

Oh, well,
don't know about that.

Britain's Top Vet?

Here we go. Here they come.

Leading vets compete

in a range
of medical challenges.

-Excuse me. Excuse me.
-James, yes.

-Okay, yeah.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

How... How's married life?

I'm getting settled. It's...

Mmm-hmm.

-I heard you met someone.
-Kind of. Um...

My mum did.
I followed your example.

-So, yeah. Not a dick.
-(KAZ CHUCKLES)

Result.

Are you happy?

Mmm-hmm.

And you?

Yeah. I'm getting there.

Good. (CHUCKLES)

-Hi.
-Hi, Maymouna.

Hi. How are you doing?
How are you enjoying London?

London is good.

She's missing home.

-Which is only natural.
-Of course. (CHUCKLES)

But, hey, listen. Um...

About the film.

I just... I wanted to
warn you. It's a rough cut,

so, it's just...
There's still...

Okay, everyone.
We are ready to kick off.

-So, Zoe, okay?
-(ZOE EXHALES SHARPLY)

ZOE: (SOFTLY) Shall we?

-Good luck.
-Yeah. Thanks. You, too.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hello. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Hi, everyone. Um...

Wow, thank you so much
for coming. Thank you.

I just wanted
to say a few words

about my own journey

making this film.

So, I used to think
that arranged marriages

were this mad, out-dated idea.

And, when my friend and
neighbour, Farooq, had one,

I couldn't believe
he could ever be happy.

(CHUCKLES) But I was wrong.

I was wrong.
Um, and now I wonder

as someone with a slightly
chequered romantic history...

-(CLEARS THROAT)
-Oh, no heckling, please.

Thanks, Mum.

Now I wonder whether there
is something to be learned

from a social system which
offers the opportunity to meet

available, like-minded,

non-commitment phobic men, um,

chosen by the person
who knows you best.

Me. Like me.

And also, you know,
maybe between the two extremes

of no choice
in forced marriages,

and just too much choice
on dating apps...

I'm always on dating apps.

You know,

maybe somewhere between
passion and pragmatism,

maybe there's a path
to happy ever after.

-MAN: Inshallah, inshallah.
-(SPEAKS URDU)

ZOE: Inshallah.

Um, okay,
I'm gonna stop waffling now.

I'm talking way too much.

But I do want to say
just the biggest thank you

to Kaz and Maymouna.

Thank you so, so much

-for allowing me to film...
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

...you walking into love.

(AISHA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER RECORDING)

(BREATHING SHAKILY, SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Er, hi. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
-Hi.

-All right. Can I just take?
-Yeah, of course.

Cheers.

(AISHA CONTINUES
SPEAKING OVER RECORDING)

Is it that different from
using filters on your Tinder?

It's not really lying, is it?

It's...

We're just told to put

-a veil on our sins.
-ZOE: Ooh.

IMAM: Nikah is a sacred
marriage contract.

According to Islam,

bride and groom must both

define their own terms
and conditions.

Power of divorce is available
to both partners equally.

Mahr is a token commitment

of the husband's
responsibility.

JAMES: Hi.

Oh, hi.

(ZOE SIGHS)

-How's it going down?
-Yeah, good.

(WHIMPERING)
I don't dare go back in.

-What?
-Huh?

You're super talented.

Oh.

Ugh!

-Zoe.
-Mmm?

Can we talk?

(STUTTERS)

Nothing good's ever come
after those three words, but...

Look...

You're the dream.

If I ever thought I'd end up
with someone like you,

I never would have
been a tortured teenager.

Ooh.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

You're either proposing to me
or breaking up with me.

I can't figure out which.

Oh, shit.

(SCOFFS)

I just don't want...

(SIGHS)

I just can't be your plan B.

-I want more than that.
-Don't...

What are you doing?
This is fine.

All right? This is going fine.

Yeah, but I don't want fine.

Why?

Everyone likes fine!

Zoe, you don't
want fine either.

How do you know what I want?

(STUTTERS)

-What am I gonna tell my mum?
-Oh, um...

Tell her
that I will probably end up

being your sensible
second husband.

Well, I mean, either that
or I'll marry the dog.

(LAUGHS HOARSELY)

JAMILA: It was devastating.

I think the worst moment
for me was

when we had
our beautiful little girl,

and I realised that she would
never know her grandparents.

I had such a special
relationship with mine.

But I always knew that

that would be the price
we'd pay to be together.

I, um... I did read the Quran
before we got married

just to try and understand it
a bit.

It says, "A husband and wife

"should be like garments
to each other.

"To protect and keep
each other warm".

We used that
in our wedding vows.

ZOE: Do you have any regrets?

I regret that I caused
my family so much pain.

Especially my nani jan,
my grandmother.

I can never forget her face
when I left.

(SIGHING) But, I...

I don't believe that

we choose who we fall
in love with. It's...

It's too overwhelming
to be in our control.

But even if it had been
a choice and not my kismet,

I'd still have chosen him.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-(BLOWS SHARPLY)

ZOE: (SOFTLY) Hey.

What were you thinking, Zoe?

I trusted you.

I was just doing my job.

Your job isn't
to humiliate my family

by broadcasting our issues
to the world.

I had to include Jamila.
Come on.

Please, why is that
so humiliating?

(ZOE BREATHING HEAVILY)

Number 47...

number 49.

Different continents.

(BREATH TREMBLING)

It was beautiful.

-(ZOE SOBS)
-Maymouna.

Thank you.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

Zoe, that was a bit cruel.

You could have told me
that outfit made me look

like a pile of dirty washing.

-Oh! Mum, not now!
-Where's... Where's James?

He just dumped me. So...

Oh, Zoe,
what have you done now?

Oh, no! I thought
he was finally the solution.

Oh! You sound like Hitler!

Zoe...

Come on, he's the best one
you've ever picked.

I didn't pick him. You did.

I'm worried
you're gonna end up alone.

You're alone. You seem fine.

-That's different...
-Am I

just half a person
when I'm not with a man?

Is that what you think?

Am I just not enough for you
as I am?

Oh, darling, that's not fair.
That's not fair!

-I can't do this.
-I didn't...

Zoe.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

Do you need to get that?

Why didn't you tell me?

(KAZ SIGHS)

So, what do we do now?

Pretend.

Like everyone else.

(SCOFFS)

"Pretend".

(LAUGHS)

ZOE: Sleeping Beauty

tried to

fake it to make it.

(GIGGLING)

She was just sad.

And so she went to sleep

for 100 years.

Snow White was also sad.

She ate a poisoned apple
on purpose

because she was depressed.

Which literally means

"deep rest".

And...

No-one lived
happily ever after

because that never happens
in real life.

-Only in fairy tales.
-(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

(MOBILE PHONE THUDS SOFTLY)

DOCTOR: So, yeah,

if we look
at the section here...

What are you doing here?
All good?

I keep calling and calling,
you never answer my phone.

(SPEAKING IN URDU)

All okay?

Yeah, everything's okay.

How's Maymouna? And...

How are you both getting on?

It's all fine.

Beta, it takes time to adjust.

It wasn't easy for me either
at the start.

Your father and I hardly spoke
for the first month,

and now look at us.

Sorry, ammi, I'm...
So much to do. I'm busy today.

Okay.

So I'll see you both
for Eid tomorrow.

If it's confirmed.

I'll call you later, huh?

(SPEAKING IN URDU)

You know, beta,

why the Prophet said,

"Paradise lies
at the mother's feet"?

Because there is no love

greater than a mother's love
for her child.

That's why our prayers
are double.

You know what I pray for
every night?

I pray for your happiness.

And the happiness
of all my children.

That's all that matters.

You know, I just wanna be
a good son, ammi.

That's it.

(AISHA SPEAKS LOVINGLY
IN URDU)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
For your messages, press two.

Received, 3:34 p.m.

OLLY: Hi, Zoe.
Olly and Sam here

from Big Bull Productions.

Look, we loved the doc,

but we've got a problem, okay?
White lens.

SAM: Yeah,
diverse subject, great.

White director,
it's not so great.

OLLY: Yeah, so, we're gonna
have to hit pause

-on the project, okay?
-(SIGHS DEEPLY)

We're really sorry, obviously.

SAM: Really sorry.
OLLY: Obviously.

SAM: And give us a call
if you want a chat.

-ZOE: Oh, shit.
-Okay. Bye.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Press two to repeat.

You shouldn't
leave your knickers

just lying about on display.

I don't understand.

-Why are you all dressed up?
-It's Eid.

I'm going to the Khans.

That's good.

Do you want to come?

No, thank you.

(CHUCKLING)
I'm the last person

that they wanna see.

Anyway, I'm packing.

-Where are you going?
-(SIGHS) Turkey.

For a break.

Since everyone hated my film.

(ZOE SNIFFLES)

-I must just say...
-(SIGHS)

I do admire your independence.

And I...

You're wrong.

I don't value you less
when you're not with a man.

And I'm very, very proud
of everything you've achieved.

But...

But, nothing counts
before the "but".

(STUTTERS) Well, but...

There's a difference
between independence

and being so cut off

that no-one
can get close to you.

We all need other people.
Even you.

There's no weakness
in that, Zoe.

Zahid's right.

Loneliness is
a Western disease

and it's far more deadly
than cancer.

The only cure is to allow

other people to care
about you, and not...

Not to always
push them away.

They say it takes a village
to raise a child.

But what about the adults?

I'd say it takes a village
to sustain an adult.

And I'm so lucky

to have found my village

next door and...

All I want

is for you to find yours,
that's all.

(SIGHS)

CATH: Come here.

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

-That was you then.
-That was my phone.

CATH: Saved by the bell.

-Oh, it's from Kaz.
-That's nice.

-CATH: Can I have a biscuit?
-Yeah.

-Do I look nice?
-Yeah, you look great.

KAZ: Do you wanna...
Do you wanna...

MAYMOUNA: (CHUCKLING)
Okay, okay. Um...

Hi.

Uh...

I loved your film, Zoe. And...

I'm sorry if this kind of
ruins your ending,

but...

I think it's gonna
make it more truthful.

Eid Mubarak.

FAROOQ AND YASMIN:
Eid Mubarak.

(AISHA AND YASMIN PROTESTING
IN URDU)

(INQUIRING IN URDU)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(AISHA SPEAKING IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH)
Just get the spoon. Uh...

No, no, wait, I'll get that...

-Help me cut.
-What do you want me to do?

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

No, no, not like that!

(INSTRUCTS IN URDU)

CATH:
So festive, as ever!

(CATH GREETING IN URDU)

Eid Mubarak.

(IN ENGLISH) Don't you look
gorgeous as always.

I've brought you something
very, very boring.

-Oh, you needn't have.
-And, erm, Zoe's here.

Zoe.

I'm sorry to gatecrash,

but I really need
to talk to Kaz, please.

You've been talking
quite a lot

to all my children lately.

Jalebis.

I made them
especially for you.

Well, thank you.
It's just you're trying

-to give me diabetes.
-(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

CATH: I know you are.

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-I'll eat it later.

Can you just get the...

Mmm.

(AISHA GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

How is everything?
Everyone all right?

YASMIN: Yeah, it's tense.
CATH: That's quite a thing.

I mean, I can't...

-Where's Maymouna?
-She's not coming.

What do you mean
she's not coming?

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(KHAN FAMILY
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

-Hello, darling. Eid Mubarak.
-Happy Eid.

You smell lovely.

(ZOE SIGHS)

(WHISPERING) Are you okay?
I just saw your email.

-I'm fine.
-Okay.

I'm glad you're here.

AISHA: Kazim.
Why isn't Maymouna here?

Is she sick?

Ammi, Maymouna's not sick.

Unless you call heartbreak
a sickness.

AISHA: (STUTTERS)
What do you mean?

Turns out our marriage
was more

"insisted" than "assisted".

That's not possible.

They're a modern family.

Everybody was so happy
at the wedding.

Where is she now?

She is working up
the courage to

tell her parents
we're divorced.

Divorced?

(SPEAKS URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) What do you mean?
Just like...

All you have to say is,
"I divorce you,

"I divorce you,
I divorce you".

Oh, really?
I wish we had that here.

Beta, triple talaq
is banned in Pakistan

to stop people
from making rash decisions.

Ammi, this isn't rash.

It's... Maymouna was... is...

in love with someone else.

Neither of us wants
to pretend any more.

(SIGHS) Okay,
since it's a day for

bombshell disclosures.

Um, I think we all need

to try and just be
a bit more honest.

You may as well all know
that I smoke.

That's very bad for you.

And I have done
since I was 15.

But you're a doctor now,
so, not in public.

I kept asking myself,

"Why is this grown man

"always up there
in that treehouse?

"Does he think he is Tarzan?"

And I drink sometimes.

Just some red wine
for your cholesterol.

Alcohol has some
medicinal value.

That's a relief.

Obviously,
I never ever touch pork.

Of course not.

You are Muslim, mmm?

Okay. But there's something
way more important. Um...

Ammi...

You always say that Eid is
about family coming together.

AISHA: Yes.

(INQUIRES IN URDU)

(IN ENGLISH) And if Zoe's film
has shown us one thing,

it's that...

it's that there's been
an important member

of our family missing
for too long.

Too long, ammi jan.

Just give me one second.

Sorry.

(BABY CRYING)

(AISHA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Inshallah.

She needs her nani jan.

Beautiful.

Sweetheart.

Eid Mubarak, David,
Eid Mubarak.

And I need my nani jan.

Nani Jan.

Nani Jan.

Please.

(EXCLAIMING IN URDU)

(SPEAKING IN URDU)

Oh.

Where's Zoe gone?

Is she gone already
without saying goodbye?

I've spoken to her about that.

She's halfway
to Constantinople by now,

-I shouldn't wonder.
-Wait, what?

-Kazim?
-(BABY CRYING)

(PHONE LINE RINGING)

(AUTOMATED VOICE
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

-Where have you gone?
-(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

(FINGERS TAPPING)

(PHONE LINE RINGING)

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

Oi, Rapunzel.

Let down your hair.

I'm pretty sure I'm the witch
in this fairy tale. (LAUGHS)

(KAZ GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Hi.

Hi.

It's your turn.

Yeah. Um...

I can't speak.

(LAUGHING) Okay. Sorry. Um...

Okay. I'm gonna put myself
on the line here.

Go on.

-(STUTTERS) This isn't easy.
-I know. I know.

I'm really high up

-and there's no safety...
-Zoe.

Would you like to watch
a whole TV series with me?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Are you sure?

-Mmm...
-Because we...

We should take it very...

-You know, take it slowly.
-Yeah.

Yeah, like an episode
at a time.

-No bingeing.
-No bingeing.

Just please don't
forget it this time.

I never forgot. Never.

And maybe we could just...

Like, we could have a break
clause halfway through.

Always a break clause. Always.

-I... Just...
-Hmm.

(BOTH LAUGHING SOFTLY)

We couldn't have
arranged it better ourselves.

Mashallah!

That means, "Thank God".

Ammi jan always said

this would happen
if we came here,

and he went
to a mixed university.

Can't be expected to bowl
a googly every time.

So, we moved out.

Only down the road
to number nine.

Except, er, we call it nine
and three quarters.

Harry Potter!

David's getting
to know the family.

He's even learning Urdu
so he can understand Nani Jan.

(IN URDU)
Poor little zebra,

never knowing
what colour she is.

(IN ENGLISH) It's called
mixed heritage, Nani Jan.

Mixed heritage?

I don't know
what you were expecting.

My head on a stick?

I'm fine. (CHUCKLES)

I am graduated.

I'm a human rights lawyer.

And my parents
are super proud.