All language subtitles for Bobs.Burgers.S12E17.The.Spider.House.Rules.1080p.HULU.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

- Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Ow. Ow. Ow...

I never thought
Andy would beat me

in the "leaping off
the bus stop bench" game,

but that was one hell of a leap.

I don't know about the "leaping
off the bus stop bench" game.

Andy almost broke his leg.

I didn't say
he stuck the landing.

Wait, Ollie, you didn't
skin your knee.

He hit my leg with a rock
so I could feel what he feels.

You're welcome.

Oh, hello, free mirror
that someone

carelessly left on the curb
for children to find.

Okay, how are we smashing this?
Anyone got a bowling ball, or...

Maybe we could just use it
to make sure we're not vampires?

And we're not. Phew.

Maybe we could point the mirror
up and signal an airplane?

And then maybe we could
become friends with an airplane.

What? No. Come on,
it's a mirror made of glass.

- And glass breaks!
- I think

Andy's had enough
excitement for one day.

I need time to recuperate
and center myself. And pee.

Also, there's the whole
"seven years bad luck" thing.

Seven years?
That's the amount of time

Brad Pitt spent in Tibet.

Louise, why do you always
want to do

the most dangerous things
all the time?

Whoa, whoa. Smashing a mirror
is not dangerous.

It's called fun.

No? Just me?

I mean, I think it's great that
you love doing scary stuff

that makes me shut my eyes
and think

"when will this be over?"

Fine.
This doesn't even look like

a good smashing mirror anyway,

so I'm just gonna
leave it for the next

perfectly normal kid
who wants to smash it.

We'll figure out another way
to be friends with an airplane.

Hi. I'll take a beer.

Louise, no.
We-we don't give her beer.

What's wrong, sweetie?
You have a rough day?

Is it school? Did you think
something had one answer

but then it had a different
answer and you were like,

"What the heck?"

I'm fine. We just, you know,

found a perfectly good mirror
to smash on the way home

and everybody made me
feel weird about it.

Ooh, I love smashing
a good mirror.

- Lin.
- Right. Playing with glass

isn't a good idea.
You could get cut.

Yeah, you could get cut.

I thought
that was part of the fun.

It's just, your fun

sometimes involves things
that terrify me?

What's your point? Look,
if I'm too cool and exciting

for people, then forget 'em.

They can just be boring
and do their boring stuff.

Louise, don't smash mirrors.
Because they don't deserve that.

I mean, they taunt you
every day, don't they?

They really do.

Louise, I guess smashing glass

can be a little off-putting
to some people, maybe.

But don't give up on those
people. I mean, you don't want

to end up like your father.
Without, you know, any friends.

- What? I have friends.
- No.

Dad has friends. Teddy...

I shouldn't have made that sound
like I was gonna have a list.

People come visit Dad
in the restaurant every day.

Right, sir?

- Um...
- Ignore them. Okay,

first of all,
why is this about me now?

And second of all,
I have friends that aren't

paying customers.
I just, you know,

lost touch with a bunch of them.

Back when I was a teenager.

Is it because there were
no telephones back then?

I'm gonna go in the kitchen.
Where everyone's nice to me.

I mean, the dishwasher
doesn't like you.

I know.

Dumb super

smashable mirror.

I don't know why people
got so dumb about it.

Oh. Hey there, spider.

You're... in my room.
On my loft bed.

But you know what?
You're kind of

unconventionally cute.
You would tell me if you were

super venomous, right?
Yeah, you look like you would.

I like that about you.

See? Look at all the friends
I have in here. Jack.

Who's Jack? Probably
a really good friend.

Oh, I know who this is.
He dinged our car

- and never called me back.
- Aw, Jack.

Okay, this is ridiculous.
I have to have friends I see

that aren't Teddy and the people

that buy food from us.
Oh, hey, Cliff.

Who's Cliff? I don't know Cliff.
It's a good name, though.

Hey, I'm going out with Cliff.
Back in a jiff. Ha.

I met him
at a back-to-school night.

He was trying to organize a
basketball thing for the kids,

so we exchanged numbers.
I didn't have the heart

to tell him
our kids don't do stuff.

Hey, Cliff, don't fall off
yourself. Ha. You can use that.

He seemed like a person that
I could do activities with.

- Is that what people say?
- Maybe don't open with that.

Should I text him?
Is it too late?

It's never too late for Cliff.

Okay, I'll do it.
Wait, no, it's too late.

Oh, God,
I just texted him the letter I.

- What do I do?
- Okay, gimme the phone.

Hey, Spider,
you're still here.

And you built a web?
Impressive.

Borderline showing
off, but I like it.

Hey, I was thinking,
if we're gonna be roommates,

I should probably
give you a name.

How do you feel
about Winona Spider?

Wait-- Arachnaphoebe.
Phoebe for short.

You don't really get
excited about things, do you?

That's all right.
I know it's a great name.

Morning, sweetie.

I need to get your
dirty laundry for the wash.

I don't know about you,
but I'm about to start

wearing my bathing suit bottoms
for underwear.

Ooh! Uh, okay. Uh, spider.
We got a spider, people.

Mom, no, it's okay.

- Th-
- This is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is my mom.

I know this is
a little early to be

in the meeting-the-parents
phase, but here we are.

Did you say spider? Here, Linda,
I brought a paper towel.

Dad, are you making Mom
kill a bug for you again?

I'm not making her.
We just have our roles.

I bring a paper towel, and your
mom does everything else.

He doesn't like to get his
hands dirty. Like a mob boss.

Hey, the spider's with me.
We're friends.

It has a name. Arachnaphoebe.
Phoebe for short.

But never Pheebs.
She hates that.

Now, can you holster
the paper towel, please?

Louise, we don't have
anything against Phoebe.

I'm sure she's great,
but she's a spider

and they belong outside.
Not in our home. Where we live.

Yeah, and if they come
inside our home or restaurant,

then we kill them.
Lovingly. That's the contract

that we all agreed to.
Mostly us, not the bugs.

What about relocation?

- I hear outside is nice.
- Yeah, okay.

Uh, Louise, you want to tell her
she doesn't have to go home

but she can't stay here?
Go get a cup.

A bottle of wine would be
a nice send-off gesture.

She's fine right here, people.
You're the ones who

came in here uninvited. I'm
not trapping you under a cup.

Sorry, kid. It's either
outside or one-way ticket

to paper towel town.
Your choice.

And then I need
everyone's laundry.

Also, everyone feel free
to learn how to do laundry.

Ugh. Okay, Phoebe.
Pack your stuff.

You're too good
for this place anyway.

And maybe she could tell
other spiders not to come here?

- In-in a nice way.
- No.

Okay.

Oh, it's Cliff.

He-he texted me back.

Cliff? That big red dog?

- He has your number?
- That's the guy your dad's

- trying to be friends with.
- I mean, we're already friends.

Kind of. I was gonna ask him
if he wants to hang out.

Wait, you're asking a guy out?
To prom? Dad prom?

What's the theme
this year-- khakis?

It's not dad prom.
It's casual, and also,

I'm getting pretty good
at texting.

I just make sure your mother
looks at all of them first.

Mom, you want to run them by me?

And then Tina
can run them by me

and then I'll run them
up through corporate.

Okay, Phoebe.
Out into the world

you go to seek your fortune.
Try to avoid

the cars and all the bikes
and people's feet.

God, do people
always walk so hard?

Okay, you know, let's go look
in other neighborhoods.

I mean, yes,
it's our stinky dumpster,

but at least
you won't get trampled.

Spiders can't die of smell,
can they?

I mean, if so,
I'm sure our house

would have killed you already.

All right. So long, Phoebe.

And hey, don't let anybody
tell you spiders are bad.

I think you're delightful.

Well, I'll let you get going.

Goodbye.

Go on, Phoebe. Get.
You got to find cover, pal.

You can't just hang out there,
a bird could get you.

Or... I don't know
what eats spiders.

A spider monkey?

Don't look at me like that.

What?
What do you want me to do?

Okay. New plan.

We're gonna sneak back
into the house.

And no one
needs to know, because

this is just
a me-and-you thing.

We're gonna stick together. Stick.

It's funny because
you're a spider

and you make the sticky stuff.
Look, Phoebe,

if we're gonna be friends,
you're gonna

have to start
laughing at my jokes.

Okay, Phoebe. I know
it's not what you're used to,

being stuck in a box,
but I need to keep this

living arrangement under wraps
because of the whole

"spiders aren't supposed
to be in the house" thing.

Also, I hope the twigs
are to your liking.

I picked out the ones that
looked the best for climbing

or just casual lounging.

Are you hungry?
You look hungry.

I'll get you something to eat.

But what do you eat?
Do you like chips?

Everyone likes chips.
Fine, I'll look it up.

Don't yell at me.

Okay, a little secret
online spider research

while everyone's
down in the restaurant. Hmm.

"House spiders, like many
spiders, prefer live prey"?

Okay. No judgement.

I'll just look for the prey
that have it coming.

Would you guys want to go
to my menu-wiping seminar

- called "It's Men-
- You,
- Not Men-
- Me"?

- Oh.
- Yes.
- No.

Okay, uh, taking out the trash.

Totally normal part of my job.

Someone's on the ball today.

Kinda jealous I didn't
get to do it first.

Louise, hold on a sec.
That bag's half empty.

Some people might think that,
Mom. But I'm an optimist.

So, to me, it's half full.

Of dreams and rotten food.

And we don't want it
to attract bugs, do we?

Okay, anyways, don't wait up.

All right.

It's Cliff. He said he'd love
to hang out sometime.

Ooh, he likes you.

Did you tell him
the Cliff joke I told you?

Tell him you're busy. Then say,
"I'll check my schedule

and try to make it work.
No promises, though."

Or tell him you're gonna
pick him up on your motorcycle

in five, then get your ass
a motorcycle!

Look at you,
middle-aged buddies.

You two gonna
talk about documentaries

and how many times
you get up at night to pee?

Oh. Cliff just
added me to a group chat

with some other dads
from school

that hang out together sometimes.

Wow, he moves fast.

Two of the guys
just welcomed me to the chat.

Thanks. Hi, guys.

Someone's the belle of the ball.

One of them just wrote,

"Just a bunch of dads
to the bone."

I'm gonna write something
funny back.

Um, Dad Boys II.
Like the movie?

Oh, God, can I delete?

Oh, no, wait,
one of them laughed.

Oh, thank God.

Whoa, someone's
getting some texts.

Dad's in a group chat with
Cliff and some other cute boys.

I mean, they may be cute,
we don't know. And they're men.

Bob's on a group chat with
people? Like, friend people?

That's great.
That's nice, that's great.

Bob's trying to make a friend
that's not a customer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Customers
can be friends. Best friends.

But hey, you want me to stop
coming in here to eat?

Is that what you want?
I'll stop.

If that's what it takes
for our friendship.

Just make me, like,
200 burgers and I'll never

step in here again.
Unless it's in disguise.

It's okay, Teddy.
We're-we're friends.

Huh, what's taking Louise
so long with the trash?

Tina, Gene, you want
to check on your sister?

Okay. Hopefully,
she didn't accidentally

fall in the dumpster
while throwing the trash out,

which has never,
ever happened to me.

Maybe switch it to vibrate, Bob?

Just kinda rubbing it in, eh?

Ugh. Come on, flies.
Let me catch you.

I'm totally not gonna
feed you to my spider.

- Louise, what are you doing?
- Oh! Nothing.

Just, uh, throwing out
the trash.

And, uh, trying to catch flies
and put them

in this Tupperware thing, because

that's always been
a hobby of mine.

Okay, listen.
I didn't let Phoebe go.

I hid her in a shoebox
in my room and now

I got to feed her since
she can't catch her own food.

Who rescued who, am I right?

Yeah, so, uh, if you help me
catch some bugs,

I'll let you watch
me feed her.

'Cause she eats live bugs.

I mean, she doesn't
eat live bugs. She does.

Come on, if you guys

had a secret spider,
I'd help you feed it.

Didn't we always
promise each other that?

I thought it was a secret alien
robot agreement.

I guess that was very specific
to The Iron Giant.

I guess I'll help.

Me too. Flies usually
land on me, eventually.

Hey, Phoebe.
How's it hanging?

You know, like hanging from
your web? Little spider humor.

So, Gene and Tina are here.

- Hi.
- Hello there.

We caught you
some flies for dinner.

- Tina, want to do the honors?
- Uh, not really?

Also, I don't know
how we're gonna get them

out of the container
without them flying away.

Tell them they won a free night
in a fancy shoebox resort.

But they have to listen to a
presentation about a time-share.

I think we just shake
the container and dump them in.

I'll do it.

Shake, shake, shake.
And bon appétit.

Oh, it looks like she's
wrapping it in a little blanket

to keep it warm.
And, oh, she's giving it a kiss.

- Nope.
- Does this make us accomplices to murder?

Now I'll never be able
to run for Congress!

You've been getting
so many text messages

your little phone's
gonna be sore.

I feel like this
is more than I talk to, like,

you guys. But I don't
want to go silent, right?

I'm just gonna say "ha-ha"
and hope that works.

Oh. Teddy's texting me.

He won't be in tomorrow
for lunch because he bought

a bunch of sandwich stuff
and he's gonna

"try this
making sandwiches thing."

He's not gonna
get it right away,

but tell him to stick with it.

Hey. Cliff just invited me

to hang out
with them tonight.

Whoa. That's short notice,
but I think

I can get you ready.

Okay, there's the dryer.
Laundry's done.

Everyone's gets
getting clean sheets tonight.

Won't that be weird? Louise,
I'm gonna start in your room

and you get to help because
of your wonderful loft bed.

That makes
changing sheets so easy.

No, no, no, no, no,
don't go in there. Uh...

I can do it. I want to do it.
I should learn,

in case you and Dad die.

Which you will,
I assume, one day.

Never! We'll get them
to start taking echinacea

and they'll live forever.

Okay, yup...
No, that's not working.

What about...
Nah. Nope.

Yeah.
I'm not doing this.

It'll be fine.
Who needs sheets? Okay,

goodnight, Phoebe...
Oh, no. No, no, no.

Where'd she go? Where'd
she go, where'd she go?

- Uh-oh. Phoebe's missing?
- Smart money says the flies did it.

Ugh, Phoebe.
Why didn't you stay in the box?

You mean the shoebox
you trapped a wild spider in?

- Yeah, I don't know.
- What's Phoebe's problem?

That's one of the top three
boxes we have.

Okay, she has a belly full of
flies, so she can't be moving

too fast. Hopefully she hasn't
made it to the living room,

'cause Mom and Dad are in there
watching that show

about England.
I think it's called Queen Time.

Yeah, seems like Dad's stalling.

He's nervous about his dad date.

Of course he's nervous.
It's Cliff.

Okay, she's not in here.
Fan out.

Gene, you go that way.
Tina, you go that way.

I'll go this way.
Watch your step.

And if you see her,
let's have a signal.

Say "along came a hmm-hmm."

Ding-dong?
Oh, right. Spider.

So, are you, uh, going out
tonight or what? Or no?

Yeah.
- I'll-
- I'll probably go.

They're-they're out, at a place,
so they're already there.

I can just show up late,
you know? Or-or really late.

Yeah, I'm just gearing up to,
you know, put shoes on

and then I'll pick an outfit.
It's part of my process.

Of hanging out.
With-with friends.

Yeah, sounds like
you do it a lot.

And I think it's fine
you didn't shower.

What?
Oh. Oh, boy.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. They're
dads. They probably smell, too.

Maybe it'll be
a nice icebreaker.

This one smells really bad.

This one's okay.

Maybe I can just angle my body
this way all night?

- You can start that now.
- Mm.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm used to it.

I just try
not to breathe so much.

Ugh. So, we didn't
find her. That means

she's either in the living room
or in Mom and Dad's room.

You guys got to get
Mom and Dad out of there

so I can look for her.
Tina, you take Mom.

Gene, you take Dad. Get 'em into
your rooms and keep 'em there.

Uh, okay. I can do that.
No problem.

I'll just tell Mom
we're looking for a spider?

No, no. Don't tell her that.
Tell her anything but that.

Right, right. Sorry.

I'll tell Dad I want
to have "the talk" with him.

The talk about
my ingrown toenail

and just toe health in general.

Wow, you agreed to come in here
and talk to me really fast.

Well, it's not because I don't
want to go out

with the other dads,
because I definitely do.

Okay, good to know.

So, w-what did you
want to talk about?

Um, how do you feel
about ingrown toenails?

I mean, I have them.

Okay, follow-up question:

what should we talk about next?

Uh, I guess
I've put this off long enough.

They're waiting for me
at the bar.

You sound really into it.
I'm excited to grow up.

- I better go get dressed.
- In your room? No!

Uh, I mean, you want to borrow
something of mine?

What kind of look
are you going for--

Bahama Tommy
or rhinestone cowboy?

Oh. I-I wasn't
thinking about a look.

I was just gonna put on shoes
and maybe change my shirt.

Your mother said things that
make me think I should change.

No! Don't change your shirt.
Let me smell.

Ooh, that's bold. It's like
your sweat started sweating.

Ugh, no spider.

All right. Mom and Dad's room.
Maybe Phoebe likes

middle-aged bras
and dandruff all over the place.

So I'm happy we moved over
here to talk about stuff.

Leaning against the bookshelf
was a weird idea,

but it was good we tried.

Yeah, I like to try things.

So, uh, how, uh, was your day?

Eh, it was good.
Although I did have a sneeze

where I farted a little,
and I think a customer heard.

Wow, let's talk about that.
What happened next?

Tina, honey,
didn't you have something

you wanted to talk about?

No, this seems
much more important now.

So, uh, you talk.
More. Please.

Okay. Well, I farted.

Uh-huh.

And I-I tried to
cover it up with a cough,

- but that made me fart again.
- Then what did you do?

I looked over to see if she was
looking at me, and-and she was.

Didn't see that coming.
Keep-keep going.

So, I grabbed the trash can and
I started dragging it around

on the floor so it'd make a
fart sound, so she'd think

it was the trash can and not me.
But it wouldn't make

the right sound,
so I had to fart again

and then blame it
on the trash can.

That's so smart.

Okay, enough about me.
Your turn.

I don't even know
if I can follow that.

Um, should we take a few more
minutes to unpack your story?

So, there you were, farting and
dragging a trash can around...

Ugh, I give up.
Wherever you are Phoebe,

I hope there are plenty of bugs
for you to murder.

No way.
Phoebe! I found you!

Wait, Phoebe?

- Phoebe the spider?
- Oh, hi, Dad.

No, Phoebe from Friends.
I see her everywhere.

Louise.

Okay, fine. I kind of
didn't take her outside

and she's been
living in my room in a box.

Until now.
Now she's living

- in your bed.
- Oh, my God. What?

- What's going on?
- Louise's spider is living in our headboard.

Who, Phoebe?

Louise, Mom... is here.
Hi, Mom.

Dad, why won't you let me
brush your back?

The other dads will love it.

Any chance you guys
enjoy sleeping with spiders

over your head? No? Okay.
Phoebe,

Charlotte's Web time.
Spell something fun.

"Terrific parents."
Go.

Give her a second.

Louise, why didn't you take
Phoebe outside yesterday?

I tried, but it wasn't safe
out there. I couldn't do it.

The world's too dangerous for
a fresh-faced kid like Phoebe.

She's not ready
for the bright lights.

She will be. One day.

Louise, sweetie, we're gonna
have to get the spider

out of there somehow. It might
be nice or it might not be nice,

but we got to do it.
I'm sorry, baby.

No, no, no, no. It's okay.
- I'll-
- I'll do it. I-I got it.

It's fine.
I'll get her out of there.

And I'll take her back
to her box,

and we'll all be happy
and we'll eat live flies--

some of us-- and we'll be
this cool blended family

that everybody's jealous of.

Come on, Phoebe. Ugh!
I can't get her.

Oh, we're gonna get her.
Because I sleep

right under there, Louise.

And I know you like her,
but I don't like her

as much as you do.
And I don't want her

to crawl on my face
or go into my mouth.

Or ears, nose, throat--
all the openings.

- That's not all of them.
- Gene.

Okay, uh, what if you guys
just sleep in my room with me

and this is Phoebe's room now?

I'd be open to roommates.
We could split the utilities.

I'm sorry, sweetie,
that's not gonna work.

It's not fair. Everyone thinks
Phoebe is this scary spider.

And, yeah, maybe she's a little
dangerous, but not much.

She's just trying to live
her life. But that doesn't

make her weird or bad.
Does it? I mean, does it?

Are we still talking
about Phoebe?

- I can't tell.
- Louise, are we possibly

talking about you now?

What? I don't know. Maybe.

Oh, honey.
Come here. Come on.

You know all that
so-called dangerous stuff?

That's a part of who you are.
But don't let anyone

make you feel like
it's all you are.

You're also thoughtful
and kind and imaginative.

Part of the big, crazy mix that

- makes Louise Louise.
- Your mom's right.

You are a little bit of a risk
taker, maybe, compared to some,

but it's one of the things
that makes you interesting.

And it's not like
it's hurting anyone.

I mean, you know,
every once in a while,

but probably not on purpose.
That much.

Right. But, Louise,

you're adventurous,
and in another time,

you might have been
a-a, uh, a pirate.

Uh, a nice pirate.
Or a fun bootlegger.

Ooh, bootlegger.

Anyway, we're all glad
you are who you are.

Well, that's...
Thanks, guys.

I like the pirate part.
That was a nice touch.

So, what should we do
about Phoebe?

Please let this work.
Got her!

- Oh!
- Oh, thank God.
- TINA andYay!

Aw, Bob. It's late.
Are your dad friends

still waiting for you?

Eh, it's fine. I'd rather be
doing this. Honestly, you guys

are the only people I really
like to hang out with.

Don't tell Teddy I said that.

So, we're your only friends.
Which is not sad at all.

But, like, who's your best
friend? Don't say Mom.

You're all equal.
But Phoebe the least.

But just because
I don't know her that well.

Okay, Phoebe and I
are going to bed.

- We'll see you all upon the morrow.
- Louise.

Not that your box isn't really
nice with all the twigs

and stuff, but I don't think
Phoebe likes it in there.

She did escape.

We've been through this.
I'm not taking her outside.

She's a house spider.
I looked it up.

They gave themselves
that name for a reason.

I-I think I know a place
where she'll be happy.

This is a great idea.

She's gonna eat
so many flies for you, Dad.

Yup. I'm really, really glad
that we'll be working together.

She's not family,
so you might have to pay her.

And I'm kind of taking care
of her finances

while she gets on her feet.
So, you can pay me.

Yeah sure, okay, we'll talk about that.

Oh, it's Teddy.

He says, "I'm sorry.
The sandwich was a disaster."

There was blood everywhere.
It's okay now, but, uh,

I'm gonna come into
the restaurant tomorrow.

It's just easier to hang out
at the restaurant because

that's where you work.
And it's where I eat.

I know it's late but,
I-I need you to text me back.

Tonight. Now.
And send.

"Sounds good."
Yes! We're back, baby!

Ow. Ow. Oh, boy,
that's bleeding again.

♪ Me and my spider,
I'm stronger beside her ♪

♪ Just can't deny that
we're two of a kind ♪

♪ The world doesn't get us,
it tries to correct us ♪

♪ But that's okay because
we'll leave it behind ♪

♪ You've caught me in your web ♪

♪ And there's no word
that can describe ♪

♪ The feeling when
I look in all your eyes ♪

♪ Little Phoebe ♪

♪ I want to spend my life
catching your flies. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.