All language subtitles for American.Pie.Presents.Band.Camp.2005.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]Eng

Hey, Stifler, how come
Steve got all the talent
in your family?

Bite me, Fuck Face.

Come on, man,
you're missing it.

I've seen it a million times,
you fucking ass-booger.

Matt, Steve is like
a filmmaking genius.

A true American hero.

The Tarantino of titties.

Yeah, there's just
no way you could
ever be this good.

Hey, look, I'm going to prove
to Steve

that I'm up to
the standards of
the Stiffmeister Productions.

After Steve sees
my directing talent,

little bro's joining
the family business.
Is that what he said?

He finally called you back?
No, but I left him
another message.

He'll get back to me.
It's only been three weeks.

Gentle-fucks, a toast.
Tomorrow, we begin
our reign as seniors.

Okay, people,
let's take a break.

Remember, we play this
at the end of the ceremony

after Pomp and Circumstance.

I don't want anyone starting
the wrong song again.

Elyse, you need to relax,
girl.
I'm fine.

I just... You know,
it's my first time up here,
and...

Yeah, but it's graduation.
It ain't the Boston Pops.

This performance sets the tone
for our senior year.
I mean...

Look, you just remember
that everybody here
is pulling for you.

Dork. Dork. Dork.

Goose.

I like them feisty.
What're you doing here,
Stifler?

We just want to say sayonara,
and let you fuck-necks know

we plan on winning
the state title

now that the Stiffmeister's
running the show.

Adiós, butt-hugger.
He's a bigger asshole
than his brother.

Holy shit, Arianna.

Matt, what're you
doing here?

Oh, we just want to make sure
the seniors have
a very memorable last day.

That's cool. So,
there's a campout tonight

and it's only for the grads,
but you could come.

Let me check my schedule.
Hell, yeah.

Bring your sleeping bag,
in case we decide
to pitch a tent.

Check it out.
Perfect timing.

This is going to be classic.

Time to initiate
Operation Gradu-fuck-uation.

This is gonna be awesome.

Shit.
Oh, yeah! Jackpot!

Payback, seniors.

Don't get that pepper spray
on your hands.

A graduation gift
from the Stiffmeister.

Dude, we should've
sprayed the diplomas.

Sorry, bandies.

Bite my nuts
and call me Skippy.
It's a Steely Dan.

- A what?
- It's a double-headed dildo.

It's a dildo. It's a dildo.

Holy shit.
It's even got a name.

Picardo.

Picardo?

Spray that shit.
Fuck, no. Finders keepers.

Okay, everybody,
Pomp and Circumstance.

Five-minute warning. Let's go.

The bandies.
Let's get out of here.

- Matt?
- Leesy.

How they hanging?
Still small and perky, I see.

That's funny.

Yeah.

What're you doing here, Matt?
I just came by
to wish you good luck.

You know,
on the whole music thing.
Good luck?

You haven't said a word to me
since the eighth grade.

Yeah, and that tone of voice
is exactly the reason why.

So, I'm going to
take off now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise to honor
our graduates.

Douchebag's gonna miss it.

Oh, yes.

Are they crying?

Holy shit!

Yes!

Eat shit, seniors.

Yeah. Oh!

Stifler!

I've been waiting for this
moment for a very long time.

And now,
the day of reckoning has come.

Hello, Matthew.

Your brother must be
very proud.

You've continued his legacy.

Tormenting the innocent,

defiling all that is good
and pure.

But now, you're going down.

Ooh. What're you going to do,
expel me, Shermanator?

I am a sophisticated
counseling machine

sent back in time
to guide young
and innocent minds.

My primary directive
is to protect the students
of this institution

and all, indeed all mankind

from the menace
that is another Stifler.

Behavior modification
is required.

It's not too late
to change your future.

No, expulsion
would be too easy.

Hmm.

I know the perfect punishment
to fit your crime.

Since you have so much trouble
with the band,

perhaps you should
make friends with them.

No fucking way.

Either you learn
to be more considerate
or you will be expelled.

No football.

No parties.

No spring break.

No graduation.

No college.

No coeds.

Comprende?

Pack your bags, Stifler.

You're going to Band Camp.
Band Camp!

Bullshit, trash.

All right, Steve!
Valley Girls Gone Wild.

Fuck.

I told you Steve
would get back to me.

I mean,
it was just a postcard,

but it gave me a great idea.

Look...

Steve's shit-head friend,
Jim,

he married this freaking
nympho band-geek, Michelle.

And he said all they do
at Band Camp is screw 24/7.

Matt, buddy,
you cannot screw band chicks.
There are standards.

I'm not talking
about screwing them,
scrotum-breath.

I'm talking about
videotaping them.

People love to see dorks
doing that freaky shit
on hidden video.

Bandeez Gone Wild?
Steve's gonna have
some competition now

because little bro's
joining the family business.

Yeah, Spy Chest.

Secret Video.

Hell, yeah.

Color night vision?
I'll take it. Shit.

How about tomorrow?
This is going be great.

Welcome to Tall Oaks 2005.

Let's hear it
from Lloyd Memorial High.

L-L-O-Y-D!

L-L-O-Y-D!

- Mount St. Marie.
- Mount St. Marie!

Mount St. Marie!

East Great Falls High.

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

And five-time defending
Tall Oaks Cup Champion...

Beechwood Academy.

We're number one!
We're number one!

We're number one!

Okay, settle down.

Now, as you know,
each year

one senior Tall Oaks composer
is awarded

a full scholarship
to the prestigious
Robards Conservatory.

Elyse, this is your year to win.

This year, Dr. Susan Choi,
president of Robards,

will judge the compositions
herself.

And let's not forget
to welcome the Tall Oaks
Camp Counselors.

If you visit our infirmary,
Nurse Sanders will take care
of your every need.

Okay, so let's work hard,
and may the best band win.

You guys ready?

What the fuck?

Are you a rookie?
You look lost.

Are you an asshole?
You're hairy,
and you smell like shit.

I'll, uh...

I'll ignore
that kind of talk once.

We don't speak that way here.

Rookies are to wear
their beanies at all times.
Those are the rules.

And who made you
the mayor of Geek Town?

I'm Brandon Vandecamp,
senior drum major of
Beechwood Academy

and the president
of the Tall Oaks Council.

Oh, and who are they,
Mr. President?
The First Lady and Vice Pussy?

Suits you well.

Golly, jeepers, thanks.
Hey, you know, since I'm an
official band geek and all,

can you guess what
my favorite piece of music is?

I have no idea.
The Nutcracker.

- Step back, bitch.
- Holy mother of Mozart.

This is bad.

You didn't know Jackie Chan
was in the house,
did you boys, huh?

Stop that. Stop that now.

Those knob-slobbers
started it.

That's not true, sir.
We simply reminded him
to wear his beanie.

And then he viciously
assaulted Brandon's genitals.

That's a lie, you dick-snot.
Oscar, Jimmy,
escort this man to see

the Macro.
The what?

You're dead.
Now, gentlemen.

God, Brandon, are you okay?

You want to tell me
what the hell
you're doing here, Stifler?

It don't matter, Big O.
He ain't gonna be here long.

- Bitch!
- Get over here.

Macro gonna
fuck your ass up, fool.

What the fuck's a macro?
The Macro.

Morale And Conflict
Resolution Officer.

I heard this one time,
this kid went
into that office

a baritone
and came out a soprano.

Clarinet up the ass
backwards, yo.
What?

Pussies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frankenstein. Scary stuff.

I am just a Boris Karloff nut.

I'm the Macro, Mr. Levenstein.
Holy shit, you're Jim's dad.

He screwed that redheaded
nympho chick at my lake house.

Oh, my, you're not a Stifler?
Yeah, I'm Steve's brother,
Matt.

There are two Stiflers?
Yes, sir.
Hey, what're you doing here?

Oh, well, Jim is now
out of the house,
married to Michelle,

that redheaded nympho chick
that you spoke of.

And, being a former
Tall Oaks Counselor
of the Year,

she was hired to be
the Macro this summer,
but she got pregnant.

No doubt due to the tendencies
you alluded to earlier.

And I have a great rapport
with young people...

...so I just stepped in
and volunteered.

That cretin is not
in our band, and we are not
responsible for his actions.

Who pissed in your piccolo?
I'm sensing
some hostility here.

He poisoned my band.
What?

I'm the Macro and it's my job
to deal with...
What is he doing here?

Matt Stifler is pure evil
just like his brother.
...conflict.

Thanks, Leesy.

She seems nice.

There are rules,
of course.

You will
have to wear a beanie.
Yeah.

Oh, I know.
It's a little silly,
but it's tradition here,

something you're familiar
with, being on the
football team, I'm sure,

with your elephant walks
and circle jerks
and drinking butt beer.

But here,
you just have to wear
a silly little hat and

a somewhat stylish
Tall Oaks T-shirt.
Yeah.

So, just go
with the flow, Matt,

and you will have
loads of fun

and you'll be making
new friends in no time.

Hey, Ernie Kaplowitz,
tenor sax.

Cool! I'm a rookie here, too.

I really wanted to come
last year, but Computer Camp
conflicted, and...

Oh, yeah, that was here
when I arrived. I think
it has your name on it.

What is it?

Hi, welcome
to Casa de Stifler.
I'll be your host, Matt.

Every day here, I'll make it
my sincere goal not to have
to kick your ass.

Allow me to show you
to your new accommodations.

When I'm out here,
you're in there.

Have a great day, fucko.

I don't...

Okay...

I'll just go ahead
and put this stuff
away for you.

All right.
Bandy-vision.

This is a 1978
Ohio State show...

The Wizard Of Oz.

The one
where the sousaphone player
forgot to dot the I? Oh, hey.

Yeah, right. Freaks.

Never fear,
the Stiffmeister's here.

Band Camp just got
a whole lot better, ladies.

You're Steve Stifler's
younger brother, aren't you?

Young and hung.
Great.

Could you send him
a message for me?

No problem, señorita.

Well, it looks like Steve
gave someone the old Stifler
bang-and-boot.

Is there a problem here?
No, everything's fine.

Have fun at Band Camp.
Thank you, I will.

Later.
Word.

You need to start
showing some respect
around here, Stifler.

You need to show yourself
back to your table, Big Dog.

Out of my way, yo.

Hola, chicas.
Elyse, so good
to see you again.

So, what's going on tonight?
We gonna party,
get a little crazy?

Who wants to rack up
a few frequent fucker miles?

You know, you are the most...
Most sexy man ever
to come to Band Camp.

What? Chloe,
he is so obnoxious.
Sexy obnoxious.

Thank you.
I'm tired of messing around
with these

dorky-ass nice guys

and "sensitive-artist" types.

Let's party
with a real hombre tonight.
Hell, yeah. That's me.

- 100% hombre.
- All right, my room, 8:00.

Great first day, campers.
This is your Macro speaking

and, hey, morale couldn't have
been higher today.

So hop in the sack,
and get a good night's sleep
because

starting tomorrow, we have
many, many exciting activities
planned,

not the least of which
is the race
for the Tall Oaks Cup.

So let the games begin.

Bandeez Gone Wild.
Scene One. Party hombre.

It's called Strip Trivia.
We made it up.
It's a Band Camp tradition.

"Fourth and Long,"
"Sextuplets," "Banging Babes,"
and "Who Blew Me?"

This looks like my kind
of game. Shall we play?

You sit in the middle.
Your game, my seating chart.

Sit a little closer, ladies.

Don't be scared.
It's all right.

Okay...

The rules are simple.
You choose a category
and a question

and every time you miss,
you strip.

Hell, yeah.

I'll go first. "Who Blew Me?"

Good.

I am a silver
Stradivarius trumpet played
by a Pulitzer Prize winner.

Who blew me?

Yeah, like I'd know.

Sorry. Lose the shoes,
and pick again.

You didn't tell me
this shit was about music.

Well, it is Band Camp, moron.
Hey, to be fair,

maybe we should just
give him a head start.

All right. Yeah.

Okay, all right. All right.

What's wrong with you?
Scared to show off
the mosquito bites?

I've matured
since the fourth grade, Matt.
Have you?

Oh, I've got 10 pounds
of dangling maturity
right here, Leesy.

Quit calling me that.
Okay, okay, moving on.

Matt, just pick
another question, please.

All right, screw it. Whatever.

There you go. Suck on that.

Fourth and Long.

Sure, no problem.

Of Beethoven's
major symphonies, which has
the longest fourth movement?

All right,
I see where this is going.

Fine, you win.

I free ball, ladies.

Got to let
the big boys breathe.

All right,
we play by my rules now.

Football questions only.
Prepare to strip, ladies.

Wait. But first,
does anybody want a beer?

I do.

The counselors have
a secret stash in the fridge
across the hall.

Would you mind?

Now we're talking about
a fucking party.

Stiffy'll be back in a jiffy.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

I mean,
there's nobody around

and we haven't seen
your best side yet.

Yes! We got him.

So busted.

Man, big boys, wake up.

Just gotta turn down the AC
in there, huh?

Good night, girls.

Sorry, asshole, game's over.

Yeah, the big boys
will love the long walk home.

Room check, girls.

Oh, shit.

Ditch his clothes.
Out the window.

All right,
who wants a long neck?

Nurse Sanders.

They set me up.
He attacked us

with pepper spray
and ruined our graduation.

I went there
for a friendly game...

Hold it. Hold it. Kids.

Okay...

Where are your clothes?

I have them.

May I ask why?
Well, they got me naked...

Oh, whatever. He took
his own pants off...
And they stole my clothes.

And I got stuck up there
with Mrs. Doubtfire
checking out my...

Let me see
if I have this straight.

Elyse, you think Matt
is an arrogant jock who wears
his penis on his forehead

just to gain the approval
of his sociopathic brother.

And, Matt, you think Elyse
is an uptight, geeky prude

who needs to loosen up
and get laid.

Excuse the expression, dear.
Is that close
to being on the money?

Look, kids...

The only way
to solve your differences

is by working together.

So why don't you start
tomorrow

by putting one foot
in front of the other?

Left flank hut.

Turn and hut.

What the fuck!

Band 10 hut!

Holy shit.

When I yell "band 10 hut,"
you snap firmly at attention.

You want to see me
firmly at attention?

I already have.
I wasn't impressed.

Look...

We've never beaten Beechwood,
okay?

For some of us,
it's our last shot.

Just stop screwing up, okay?

Yeah, asshole.

Okay, people,
back to work, let's go.
Whatever.

I don't need this shit.

Reset the block.
Front ranks, right here.

Housekeeping.

Oscar, brought me
something to drink?

Come on.
Good looking out, baby.

Hey, it's Ernie Crapowitz.

So you finally came out
of the closet. Good for you.

Look, I want to know
what goes on at night,
all right?

All the crazy shit.
Naked pillow fights, whatever.

Do I look like the guy
that's in charge of
the naked pillow fights, huh?

It's my first time here.

Notice the beanie?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Yes, speaking of beanies,
where's yours, Stifler?

You still not following
the rules, huh?

Let's see.
Look. He's getting
in trouble again.

No standard-issue
Tall Oaks T-shirt
and no beanie.

I believe that's two points
from Great Falls, Mr. Nelson.

Tell you what,
Vande-cramp,

what if I took
his beanie

and put it on my weenie?

How do you like that
Vande-cramp?
It's on my head, right? Huh?

Make it five points
from Great Falls.

Five points.

Man, this place sucks
donkey ass.

Ugh...

Put your beanie on, son.

Five points.

Stay still. Stop moving.

He ain't going nowhere now.

This isn't your world.
This is our world,
and we don't want you in it.

You already cost us
five points in the standings.

We can't have that.

Set the man up
with his beanie.

Now you're representing, fool.

And this toothpaste

this will make up
for the pepper spray, asshole.

Oh, shit.

I'll get the paint thinner
from maintenance.

Animals.

Matt, you were sent here

to make a change.

And, so far, you've only had
your sinuses sanitized. So...

I think it's time
to try a new approach.

Make some friends.

Earn their trust.

Why would I want
to earn their trust?

Good.

That's what I'm talking about.

Welcome to Stifler-vision.

I think there's a
cymbal class at 1:00.

I hate that.

Yeah, but it's better than
the bass drum relay.

Yeah, that's true.

Counselors going wild.

Yours look totally fantastic.

Two for
the price of one.
My left one's bigger, see?

Yeah, mine, too, baby.
They can totally
fix that.

That shampoo smells
awesome.

Thanks. I get it from
this Russian lady
who does my bikini wax.

Brazilian or Playboy?

Actually, I get mine
customized.

- Wanna see?
- Oh, yeah, show me.

Oh, my God, how cute.
There's a little music note.

No!
Yeah, I used to be flat.

Just like
I used to be.
Lens fog. No!

What is that thing,
butt weasel?

Yeah, it's the KR3, baby.

The Kaplowitz Remote
Robotic Rover.
And you are so busted.

Hey, Oscar, somebody call
the Macro.
Dude, please, shut up.

Pull your panties
out of your ass. I can help
you with that chick.

What chick?

Dude, the one
with all the tattoos.
The Tubanator.

Her name is Chloe.

Come on, man. I can help.
I'm the Stiffmeister.

Master of love
and romance.
Bullshit.

I nailed three cheerleaders
in one week on spring break.
College cheerleaders.

And I know why
your camera spritzed out.

Dude, this thing
is awesome.

You ever use this
to look up chicks' skirts?
No.

But I did use it to win
the State Science Fair
last year.

And I'm hoping it gets me
into MIT next fall.

I really want
to work for NASA.

National Anal Sex Association?

No, it's Space...

There's an
Anal Sex Association?

Oh, yeah, but you've
got to be a pro.

Wait, there's
a Space Association?

You were supposed
to use this.

See, it's got
an anti-fog lens. Duh.
Yeah, good.

Can the robot record?
All right, so, what are
your intentions?

With the video, I mean.
What are you doing?

Oh, it's just for fun.

I mean, who doesn't like
to look at hot naked chicks,
right?

Keep it between us,
and I'll let you watch.

Plus, I'll have you
giving Chloe the pelvic noogie
inside a week.

Hey, Stifler. Phone.

We're in Detroit!

Locked into
sweet Brazilian rum.

I'm fucking fubar, man!

I sent you rum today.
Could come in handy
in Dorksville.

Man, this place blows.

Hey, my roommate,
Dr. Robot,

busted me taping
some college chicks
in the shower.

So now I have to be
all nice to him and shit.

And I'm not getting
any good footage 'cause these
fucking bandies hate me.

Think of it like trying
to hook up with a virgin.

Act like you give a shit
about them until they
bring you into the good stuff.

Earn their trust?

Dude, that could work.

I'll be an undercover
bandy fucker.

Hello, everyone.
Isn't it a peachy day
here at Band Camp?

Band buds.
How's it going? Yo.

Hey, I just want to say thanks
for the little wakeup call.
You kidders.

Hey, I can finally hear
the music calling me, okay?

There. Hear it?
Yeah. Me, too.

So I'm a totally
new man, and...

By the way, you both
look great in pantyhose.

What are you doing?
Awaiting my marching lesson,
ma'am.

Look, Matt, I really don't
have time for this right now.

No, look, I figure I'm here,
I might as well make
the best of it.

Matt, marching's hard, okay?
It's not like
throwing some football.

Oh, you ever thrown
into double coverage?

You ever high-stepped
in double time?

Yes, ma'am, the time
the cops chased us
across Koreno's Creek.

And you got so scared,
you cried.

I had allergies.
It was winter, Mattie.

Well, if you don't teach me
to march, I might just
cry again.

Fine.

Left foot on one and three,
right foot on two and four.

You have to do math?

One, two, three, middle.
One, two, three, line.

Right foot on four.

Keep your
step size even.
My what?

All right, there we go,
little buddy. I'm gonna
fix you up good.

Any girl that knows
how to play a tuba,
she can do things.

That's what Stifler says.

I don't know what it means,
but it's got to be good.

You're good to go.

Let's go find Chloe.

Holy shit.

What the hell?
Who's doing this?

Take it.

It's okay.

Thanks, little
creepy machine.
You're welcome...

Beautiful lady.

With my right, with my right,
but I can also do it
with my left, with my left.

Bootie.

Good game.

Good game. Good game.
Good game. Good game.
Good game.

You just touched my bootie.

What's that?
Your instrument.

That's fucking gay.

I mean lame.
Good.

Now, there are
two positions.

Carrying position, like this,
and playing position,
like this.

Now when I call,
"horns up,"

you're gonna move
your instrument out,
and then...

Hello, losers.

Matt. Oh, my God.
Matt, I am so sorry.

I think I bit a hole
in my tongue.
Oh, let me see.

No, no hole.
On today's episode,

wasting time
on lost causes.

Speaking of which,
I understand

you composed the music
to your show, Elyse,

if you call that music.

Yeah. That's right.
I did.

And who'd your daddy hire
to compose yours?

I'm just giving you
fair warning, cupcake.
Robards Scholarship is mine.

Like you need it.

It's not a matter of need.
It's a matter of want.

Yeah, I get what I want.

Why don't you
shut the fuck up?

Matt, don't.

What are you
going to do?
Kick your ass.

Are you challenging me?
No.

Yeah, what if I am?
No, Brandon, that is not
what he's doing.

I accept.
Amphitheatre, 5:00.

It's been three years
since I've been challenged.

We got a challenge.

I look forward
to reminding people why.

East Great Falls.
Hoo, ha!

I'll see you there, asshole.

Do you know
what you just did?

Doesn't matter.
Fucker's going down.

Matt, you challenged him
to a duel.

With swords?

No, you idiot.
You each get on stage
and perform.

And the crowd decides
who wins.

Can't we just do
keg stands?

Matt, this is serious, okay?
Beechwood gets five points
if he wins,

which, you know, he will
because he plays
an instrument.

Well, so do I.

Let the Tall Oaks
Battle Royale begin.

The prize is five points
towards the cup.

Okay, Brandon,
you're up first.

Come on!

Suck on that, bitch.

Lame.

This is so embarrassing.

Okay, Brandon.

Now you show him, Brandon.

Take that!

Well, seems
this contest is over.

Figures. We just lost
five points.

And the winner
by forfeit is...

But I know
it's not his fault...

Play that funky music white boy

You don't know
the words.

Play that funk music
white boy

Lay down that boogie

And play that funky music
till you die

He should shave that.

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

Okay, five points
to Great Falls.

All right, Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
What?

Are you really Scottish?
Fuck, no.

My mom made me
learn an instrument.

That's the most annoying one
I could think of.

I think you were just born
to squeeze sacks
and blow pipes, Stifler.

Hey, Oscar.

How many other Oscars
do you know? Go!

What's up?
Your drum line sounds
pretty tight.

Oh, thanks.

You let me know
if you want to learn
some new moves.

Really?

He's gonna screw it up.
He's definitely gonna
screw it up.

Hey.

Thanks for winning
those points back.

I lost them.
I had to get them back.

Hey, guys,
Sheree's gonna show me
some moves.

Hey, gang,

just a little reminder that
as the battle for the cup

heats up,
let's try to remember

to keep up that Tall Oaks
spirit of fair play
and friendly competition.

We'll have enough spit
for a six-pack.

Yeah, baby,
you did me proud, son.
Thanks, J.Lo.

It's cool.
Big O?

Quite a little show you put on
yesterday, Stifler.

You know, these plebes think
you're some kind of hero.

I don't know
what a plebe is, Vande-creep.

Didn't anybody tell you
not to mess with the big dog
while he's eating?

It's mine, jerk-wad.
Now will you give it back?

Dildos.
This is still
my camp, asshole.

You're going down.
No, I'm not.

But your mom did
last night.

Did she play the trumpet?
Because she has really
strong lips.

That's right.

Mmm!

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Yummy.

That's what
I'm talking about.
Whoo!

What happened
this time, Claire?

Well, I was working
on my solo

and I hurt myself.

I've been
fucking poisoned.

Ipecac is a natural
herbal extract

that triggers
the regurgitation reflex.

Whatever's in there
should be out soon enough.

Like him,
if we're lucky.

Well, I'm pretty sure
it's probably
just something

you had for lunch, you know?
I've got the same problem.
Very sensitive stomach.

I was at a banquet once.
On the same plate,
if you can believe it,

they had creamed venison,

squid fritters
and jellied pork.

What?

Hey, what's up,
crust bucket?

Come here, dude.
Check this out.

So, this afternoon,
while the counselors

were practicing
for the talent show,

I faked an asthma attack,
and I changed both
of the cameras.

Oh, shit! What the hell
are they doing?

It's their talent show
routine, au naturel.

Dude, you filthy little
cyberfucker. Shit.

Hey, I thought we were
just going to watch.

Exactly, we may want
to watch it again.

Oh, yes. Counselors gone wild.
Dancing white ta-tas.

Hey, so, I took your advice
about Chloe. I used the Rover
to deliver a soda.

That was your cool,
crazy idea?

Yeah, I think
she actually liked it.

Yeah, that sounds gay.
It's not gay.

Anyway, there's this
bonfire-slushee party
tonight

and I really need to know
Step Two in
the Stiffmeister plan.

Slushee party. Really.

Special delivery.

Prepare to jam
with the bearded clam.

Get ready to cuddle
the love puddle.

The time has come
for Dr. Robot to get laid.

Get laid?

I told you,
trust the Stiffmeister.

Meister means "master"
in German.

Get her drunk?
That's the secret of the ages?
That's Step Number Two?

No, actually, it's Step Four.

You don't have
the balls for Two
or the tongue for Three.

I've got the balls.

Hey, you haven't heard
Step Five yet.

Born to be wild

Well, I'm hot-blooded
check it and see

I've got a fever of 103

Come on, baby
do you do more than dance?

This is some good shit.
Don't enjoy it
too much.

We have a big practice
tomorrow, you guys.
Relax, Leesy.

Suckle the tender fruits
of Band Camp
with your friends.

Come on, Elyse.
Cut loose a little bit.
Have some fun.

I am having fun.

Hey, horn dog, let's go get
some more of these
before they run out.

All right.
Horn dog?

Yeah, it's his nickname.
Dude will stick his dick
into anything. It's unnatural.

Check it, dawg. This one time
at Band Camp,
I fucked an oboe.

Really?
Blow in it for a while,

get that wood nice and warm,
slap on some valve oil
and go to town, yo.

Hey, maybe you should
try a flute.

Hey.
Hey.

Now's a good time
to teach you those moves.

Really?

What?

I know what you're doing.

You do?

It's what you always do.
You're a fake.

You do whatever it takes
to be the center of attention.

Just like when we were kids,
around me, you were
regular old Matt,

but around Steve
and his friends,
you were the Stiffmeister.

Who're you going
to be tonight?

Hey, cheese dick,

why don't you quit being
such a fucking taint licker,
and get me another slushee.

Fucking puss monkey.

You know what?
I am going to have some fun.

Fucking hoes, man.
I don't get that shit.

I mean, right now, Oscar's off
in the woods tapping
that counselor biatch, Sheree.

What's up with that?
That cock spring
is getting laid?

True that. And here we are,
the two dopest homeboys
in camp

and we ain't got no prospects
for our palm pilots.
That's fucked up, dawg.

Dude, I gotta see this.

Use your hips more.

Hips, like that?

Yeah, now faster. Yeah.
Like that. A circle.
Like that.

Crikey! The alpha female
has chosen an unlikely mate.

Will he survive
this dangerous encounter

or will she satisfy
her primal needs and then
devour him for dinner?

Stay tuned.

I'm sorry. I'm really
no good at this stuff.

Relax.
You're doing fine.

This sucks.

How's that feel?
Oscar.

Is that your drumstick
poking me?

I don't have
my drumsticks.

Are you standing up
for me again, Oscar?

It's getting hot.

Smack my ass
and call me cowboy.

Hello,
Double-D Sheree.

Hips. Hips.

Use your hips.
Oh, yeah, hips.

And step, and...

Who knew?

Wow.

Oh, shit!

You're a sweet guy, Oscar.

Bandeez Gone Wild.
Scene 69.

Double-D Sheree
and Big O.

Yo, we at Tall Oaks
sipping on juice

Got horns, trumpets
rhythm and flutes

Great Falls laying it down

Gonna ride fucking Beechwood
out of the town

J.C., what
rocking the bunch

All tripped out
on the fucking fruit punch

Hey, are you sure
about this? I mean...

I just
want to be respectful.
Oh, that's sweet.

But right now,
I just want you to respect me
real hard and bad.

Lucky son of a bitch.

The only person who's
gonna get laid around here.

Hello, oboe.

This is so cool.

I hope I didn't scare you
with the Rover and the soda.

No, man,
it was cute.

Nobody's ever been
that sweet to me
in my whole life.

Plus, to be honest,

metal really turns me on.

Oh.

Man, the shit's stuck.

Turn off the lights.
Damn, gangsta.

I was just fucking
with you, dawg!

You... It's stuck.

Shit, you want help?
Don't touch me.

Come on.

Maybe you should blow on it.

Maybe you should
blow on it and I'll pull.

Hell, no. Jimmy ain't
putting his lips on that thing.

Jimmy should be
a team player.

- Try and relax, dawg.
- Not so hard.

Oh, my God!

I was just trying to help him
get it off, yo.

Dude, shut up.

Whatever.

He had an allergic reaction
to the valve oil.

The swelling should go down
in a few minutes.

These kinds of things
would never happen
with our old Macro.

We didn't have MTV
when I was growing up.

So maybe it's
the over-stimulated times

that we live in
that causes young men
to stick their

instruments in
such odd places.

I knew a certain
young man once

who actually engaged
in sexual congress
with an apple pie.

And he turned out just fine.

So, you're perfectly normal...

As these things go.

Hey.

Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.

I'm so drunk right now.
I'm probably going
to forget about you

porking an oboe.

I have six piercings.

That doesn't include
the ones on my face.

Two right here...

And four down here.

Haven't seen that
in a while.

Yeah, well, no time
for dance. It's all about
band, band, band.

No, I was talking
about you having fun.

I have fun.
I have fun all the time.
Yeah.

I just get stressed out,
you know. I mean...

We graduate next year,
and I don't know.

I mean, I don't really
talk about it all that much

because the cup is, like,
a team thing, and...

But winning
the Robards Scholarship,
I mean, that is like

my future, you know?
And

Dr. Choi is coming.
I mean,

you don't understand.
She's like famous,

like holy-shit famous.
And, sometimes, I just...

I get really stressed out

and I calm myself down
by going off
and playing on my Picardo.

Wait, you have...
Picardo?

It's just a cheapie,
but I lost it.

Wait, if I somehow found
this Picard thing...
You found it?

Maybe.
Give it back.

If you let me watch.

Okay, but it takes me a while
to warm up.

I have all the time
in the world.

Figures.

But I'm going to have
to be really drunk.

I mean really drunk.
Really drunk.

Yes.

Beat it, jerk off.

Okay, people,
let's take a break.

We're all
a little sluggish today.

Man, we suck.

Man, one night of fun
was not worth losing
a whole day of practice.

Give me this thing.

All right, listen up,
you lazy bunch of lip shits.

Those Beechwood plebes
aren't taking breaks.

We want to win this thing,
we've gotta bust our asses.

Come on, bitches.
Back to work.

Matt, that's my job.
Grab your cocks
and move your socks.

We're at war here,
people, war!

Show some tits.
Grow some balls.

Hey, keep that thing
warm for me.

All right, now.
What, you want to let
Beechwood tittie-fuck us?

I didn't think so.

All right, Tall Oakers,

we're in our final week.
Time to put on our game faces.

And time
to strap yourselves in
for a bumpy ride.

I want the oboe, clarinet,
black thingies

and we've got
the rhythm section
in a full-on blitz.

- Are you with me, bandies?
- Yeah!

Competition for
the Tall Oaks Cup is

really heating up.

Beechwood wins.

Whatever.

I told you,
you should let me steer.

Take that bitch home, man.

Drive it in.
Hey, you, fuck face...

I don't even know
where to start with you.

Beechwood leads.

Great Falls and Lloyd
are tied for second.

Beechwood licks nuts. Hut!

Victory, East Great Falls.

Right foot on line.

Jimmy,
you fucking lotion lover.

East Great Falls
by four points.

Hey, butt pirates ahoy.

Your little band

may be leading
in the competition, Stifler...

...but make sure
to let us know
if you get thirsty.

Yeah, 'cause there's plenty
of this.

That's funny for you dorks.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah.

Man, screw that challenge.
I'm just gonna kick his ass.

No, wait.
I've got a better idea,

if you think
you're man enough.

Yes.

Hey, you sure you can do this?
Hey, born to be
a porn star, baby.

Delivery on demand.

When I get back, I'll be
a million Stiflers lighter.

Hey, ocupado.

Sorry.

Oh.

Dude, how about
a courtesy flush, man?

I'm trying to concentrate
in here.

Sheree.

Mattie.

Double-D Sheree.

Sheree. Yeah.

Arianna.

Oh, Arianna.

Band, 10-hut!

Leesy.

Yeah, Leesy.

Oh, yeah.

Nurse Sanders.

Go ahead,
give me that shot, baby.

Naughty Nurse.

More. Oh, yeah.

It's coming. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's coming.

Claire? No!

Claire. Oh, Claire, baby.

Claire...

Claire...

Claire.

- Courtesy flush.
- Oh, no!

Brandon, I think you're
a really good drummer, so...

Excuse me.

Listen, this is your chance
to help.

Hey, guys,

don't forget your sunscreen.
Your bodies
are your instruments.

Yeah, you don't want to be
chapped for your solos.

No, we don't. Bye now.

What is that, 30?
It's really thick.

How's that taste, Vande-cock?

Mmm! Good, huh?
Warm and salty? Yeah.

It's a cum-pletely
new formula.
100% Stiffy juice...

SPF 69.

Suck on that.

Yeah.
Stop, man.

Yeah.
Ernie.

Yeah.
Ernie.

What you had before
was way better than this.

This sounds like
your overactive
honor-society brain.

Instead of your nasty, wet

dirty-girl panties.

It should be more spontaneous.

Stop.

Maybe you should hang out
with your friend Matt
a little bit more.

Yeah, right.

I know he's a dick
and everything,
but he's also got one.

Make some love music,
you know? And then your notes
will just cum to you.

Oh, Matt!
Stop.

Matt. Matt.

Go long, you asshole. Go.

Hey, Elyse.

Throw it back. Come on.

What you got?

Oh! Oops!

Missed. Sorry.

Hey, if I have to ring
the triangle,

you have to throw
the football, all right?
Okay.

Draw your arm back.
There you go.

Shoulder to your target.
Right. Okay,
now step forward.

Come on we're not marching.
One foot.

Argh. Okay.
You're fine. Ready?
There you go.

Draw the ball
over your ear

and when you throw it,
let it roll right off
your fingers, all right?

Okay.

Come on, throw it.

See? I taught you something.
What?

So every time I throw it,
you're gonna run
and go get it?

That's generally how it works.

Like playing fetch
with my dog.

Yeah, except I don't lick
my own balls.
You would if you could.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, again.

Right here.

Look, that one looks
like a bunny.

- No, it doesn't.
- Uh-huh.

Maybe a bunny with one nut.

No, that's its tail.
Whatever you say.

You think
we'll win this thing?
Hell, yeah, we will.

If you write
in a bagpipe part.

Oh, God, I'll never
make that mistake again.

What?
The eighth grade recital.

You made me write in
a part for you.

You wore your kilt.

Yeah, Steve showed up
with his friends.

They gave me so much shit
for that.

I didn't come out
of my room for days.

You made it up to him
by stealing
all my underwear

so you could run them up
the flagpole.

Including my training bras.

Okay, since we're having
some big fucking
Oprah moment here...

I'm sorry
about your underwear.

And the diary.

And all that other shit, too.

That's it.

You started it.
This is gonna get me
that scholarship.

What?

Oh, I've got to go write
this down
before I forget.

Hey, hey, hey!

Uh...

Could we do this again
tomorrow night?

Yeah, sure.
I'll see you here at sunset.

Hey. Um...

Should I bring that
Picardo thing?

Okay, I'll do a solo for you.

Hey...

- What's up, Ernie?
- Hey.

It was that
fugly nurse again.

Oh, my God.

Matt Stifler?

Holy shit, look at you.
Arianna,
what are you doing here?

We practice our routine
with the band.
What are you doing here?

I had to come.
The school made me.

Does anybody know
about this yet?
Oh, they do now.

Hey, come on, no pictures.
What're you,
the papa-tit-zzy?

Holy shit,
this is so hilarious.
Smile.

Ladies.
No time for fraternizing.

Get the bags.
Guess I'll see you around,
bandy.

What a dork.
I'm going to email this
to everybody.

Girls, that was great.
Percussion, take five.

Horns, we've got to work
on intonation.

The final performance
is tomorrow, you guys.

They're so lame.

You play the triangle.
How cute.

No, I don't.
Look, I told you...

- I had to...
- I gotta go.

I don't socialize
with bandies.
I'm not a fucking bandy.

I'm not. Look.
I've just been acting
like a geek.

I've been playing them
so I could get them
on hidden video.

I've been secretly
videotaping them
doing all this crazy shit.

Really?
Yeah, I could show you.

Okay, come by after dinner.

I'll leave my pompoms
in the window for you.

You're late.

Yeah, no shit.
Open the window.

Hold on. Be careful with it.

All right, one condition
before I show you
the fruits of my labors.

What's that?

I want that picture
on that camera phone erased.

Nobody at school hears

about the triangle
or the beanie.

I don't want anybody
to think
I'm a dorky-ass bandy

Fine. Like,
now can we get on with it?

As soon as you get rid of that
picture of me on your phone.

Are you going into town?

Not tonight. I'm too tired.

Besides,
they're much hotter here.

I know.
It's a great crop this year.

There. Done deal.
Now can we see the video?

Stiffmeister Productions

in association with
its talented new director,
Matthew Stifler,

is happy to premier
the unedited,

unfiltered,
and un-fucking-believable
Bandeez Gone Wild.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.
That is unbelievable.

- You're kidding me, right?
- That's great.

Danielle likes Jimmy,

but she's like
a foot taller than him.

And wait till you hear this.

Sheree slept with that
big Oscar guy, the drummer.

Said he was amazing.

Well, I hooked up
with Brandon once.
Some drummer. He has

no rhythm,
and he can't even bang
very long.

Oh, my God.
Are you serious?

Yeah, he's a preemie.
And I'm not talking about
the day he was born, either.

Can you get my back?
I think I got a little bit
of sun today?

Sure.

Get this. He has one ball.

No way.
One ball.

Yeah, that's why he carries
that big stick around
everywhere.

It's got his other ball
on top.

Shit, shit, oh, shit.

What is that thing?

Let's kill it.

Where'd he go?

There he is.

Look out.

This is going into the lake.

No one's gonna know
about your little video.

'Cause the shit
you got us doing on tape...

So we got a contest to win
tomorrow. And I don't want
to see you.

Understand?

Did you help him?

With East Great Falls
in the lead,

Beechwood has to win
the Band Camp Playoffs.

Direct yourselves
to the marching field
in one hour.

Now, Dr. Choi,
Brandon Vandecamp
from Beechwood

is our best musician by far

and his father, Landon,
is our best donor,
also by far.

Robards needs talented musicians

as much as
we need talented donors.

Ipecac.

So how's it going?
Are you having fun?
It's okay.

How about some Ipecac,
Vande-cooch?

This herbal fucking extract
will help you Beechwood fief
play in tune, huh?

Shit.

Hey!

I told you
I don't want to see you
anymore, Stifler.

Someday,
you'll thank me, asshole.

Orange?

Again?

Damn.
That orange shit is janky.

I'm feeling grape, dawg.

I don't care how
many times they won.

They're not getting
the grape today.

That's what I'm talking about.

Your five-time
defending champion,

Beechwood Academy.

They're tight.

Yeah, they're better
than ever this year.

Okay, everybody.

It's no surprise
Beechwood is good.

But this year is different.
This year, we can beat them.

We've worked hard,
and we are good enough

and this is our time,
so let's win the cup.

Yeah!

Beechwood Academy.

Their music today was composed
by senior drum major,

Brandon Vandecamp.

Beat that. Hoo, ha.

East Great Falls,
you may enter the field for competition.

- Band 10 hut. One, two, ready.
- Shit.

Leesy, wait, no.

No. Wait.

You know, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.

Not my shoes. Here we go.

Stifler!

You know, you're like
your brother, Steve.

And I don't think those
are the shoes you should be
so eager to fill.

You know, the people
Steve thought
were his friends

really didn't like him
very much.
What?

But I think you're different.

I think people want
to like you, Matt.
You just make it really hard.

Hoo! Ha!

Parting is such sweet sorrow.
When you're a loser.

Mr. Levenstein reports that
there were a few incidents

at camp.

But he also says that

you bonded
with the band briefly.

When school starts,
you're going to be
on a very short leash.

Remember, the Shermanator
sees it all.

Be gone.

Did everybody hate my brother?

Stardate, August 21, 2005.

Some progress made
with Stiffy Junior.

Behavior modification evident.

Will continue to monitor.

Shermanator out.

A little "Double-D Sheree"
action.

Little bit of Dr. Robot.

Crazy fucker.

Hey, Stifler,
where's your instrument?

Dude,
you're in the wrong uniform.

Screw them, dude.
They're gonna freak out
when they see the video.

Look, we thought
that if we had
an advance screening,

then everyone would see
that you're not really a dork.

I can't. It's gone.

What?
The video, man, I deleted it.

Why?

Guess little bro's quitting
the family business.

Are you kidding me?

He went fucking
bandy on us.

Hey, what's up, guys?

You a dead man, motherfucker.

You, too, little man.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dude, the purple puke
was an accident.
Somebody switched the coolers.

Hey, that orange shit
is janky, yo.

Chloe, we never saw Elyse,
you know, naked.

Matt turned off the computer.

So we're just supposed
to forgive him now?

He's still an asshole.
You're right.

I am an asshole.

I can't take back
spying on you

and I can't win
that Bandy Cup thing.

But I can help someone
get what she deserves.

I'm not asking you
to forgive me.

Just help me help Elyse.

I got the number.

Go ahead.

555-0171.

He shouldn't have been dumping
Ipecac in anyone's cooler.

We could've won on our own.

I don't even care
that he saw me on camera.
Well, I mean I do, but...

Honey, this just came for you.

It's from Robards.

What's it say?

Dr. Choi wants to meet
with me?

Okay.
Okay.

Okay.
Okay.

Bye.

Hi. Elyse Houston.

I have an appointment
with Dr. Choi.

You're not in the book.
Oh, no, there must be
some mistake. See...

I have a letter.

This letter is, well...

It's a fake.

This is not
Dr. Choi's signature.
What?

Stifler.

You son of a bitch.

What? It wasn't enough
for you to humiliate me
at Band Camp?

Now you have to
set me up here?

What's going on here?

This is my band.

And that's her music.

Well...

I've certainly seen
some interesting attempts
to gain admission,

but this is a first.

Excellent audition,
Miss Houston. Let's go
discuss that scholarship.

Um, I thought Brandon won.

No, Mr. Vandecamp
was disqualified
for plagiarism.

All right.

That's what
I'm talking about, yo.

Oh, my God, you guys,
that was amazing.

Thank you so much.
Thank him. It was his idea.

Word.

You planned all this?
With some friends.

Come here.

Ow.

Oh, I believe this is yours.

You know...

Picardo is a brand of piccolo.

You really are an asshole
sometimes...

Stiffy.

Man, change the channel, yo.

Hook a brother up
with some mad beats.

Will you cut that out?

Your name is
James Hi Ping Chong.

Your dad owns
a Chinese restaurant.

You live in the suburbs.
You ain't never gonna
be a gangsta.

Damn!

That's cold, dawg.