All language subtitles for robots.2023.1080p.web.h264-kbox.eng

It gives me great pride

to complete the work
of securing our southern border.

When this project started,

over 11 million people
lived here illegally.

Well, we've not only
got rid of them,

but this beautiful wall

will ensure that
they can never return.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

We got 'em.

Credit should also go
to the Tesla Corporation,

who ten years ago
created the wonderful robots

who now do the tasks
the illegals once did,

but without robbing and raping

decent Americans in the process,

or complaining
when they're disposed of.

( cheering )

( music playing )

Yes! USA!

♪ Oh, the boll weevil
am the little brown bug ♪

- USA!
- ♪ Come from Mexico ♪

♪ They say, uh-huh ♪

♪ Come all the way to Texas ♪

♪ Looking for a place
to stay ♪

♪ Just looking for a home ♪

♪ Just looking for a home ♪

♪ Now, the first time
I seen the boll weevil ♪

♪ He's a-sitting
on the square ♪

♪ Next time
I see the boll weevil ♪

♪ He's got all
his family there ♪

♪ Just looking for a home ♪

Happy skating.

Oh! Ah!

- Oh, my God!
- Bugger!

- Are you okay?
- ( pants, grunts )

- Here, let me help you.
- Thank you.

Oh. Oof.

My God, you're beautiful.

So sorry.
That's so inappropriate.

I might be a little dazed.

I'm Charles, by the way.

- It's okay. I'm Emily.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.
Let's get you off the ice.

Yes. Oh! Thank you.

- May I?
- Oh.

Thank you.

Trash can...

( whirring, sputtering )

Trash can...

Nice day. Day nice.

- ( continues sputtering )
- ( whistles )

- Good morning, Jane.
- Good morning, Charles.

Looking radiant as ever.

- ( knocking on door )
- Hey, Charles.

Hi, Dad.
Scottsdale's looking good.

I managed to get around
the atrium acoustics issue

which was holding us up
for the permit.

- Great job, son.
- And I got these for mum.

Aw, well, why don't you
give them to her yourself?

She's making lasagna
this evening.

I'd love to, but it's
date number four with Emily,

and I think
she might be the one.

That's great.

You know, at the risk
of sounding patronizing,

the change in you
this past year
has been incredible.

Thanks, Dad.
I really managed to pull myself
out of a dark period.

You still think about her?

- Francesca?
- Mm.

- God, no.
- Well, that's the spirit.

- And to think--
- Hey, Pop, I need you.

'Sup, half-bro. Pop?

Yeah, Charles
has a new girlfriend.

- It's pretty serious.
- Wow.

I look forward to
meeting her brains out.

- Pop, come on.
- See you later, Charles.

Nice.

I don't want
this evening to end.

Come back to my place.

I'd like nothing more,

but I really want
our first time to be special.

- Tonight.
- Tomorrow.

I promise.

( video game gunfire )

I saw Emily after work.

She wanted me to go back
to her place.

I got you a Lotaburger
on the way home.

Would you like me
to remove the vegetables

- and transfer it to a plate?
- Fuck's sake!

- ( "Reveille" playing )
- Ugh.

Thanks to you,
that's now 50,001 Americans
killed in North Korea.

Put yourself on
deprogram now, C2.

Yes, Charles.

- May I?
- Oh.

C2, what is the point of me

committing random acts
of kindness

if they're not
put on social media
for the whole world to see?

Well, Charles,
altruism is an integral
virtue of any society.

Altruism doesn't get you laid
if nobody knows about it.

Right, let's see what else
you 9/11-ed today.

I don't want
this evening to end.

- Nice.
- Come back to my place.

How many dates to reel
this one in?

Just four, Charles.

Those ice skating chicks
are the best.

Yes, Emily is fascinating.

She majored in Econ at Tufts

and is a connoisseur
of classic cinema,

in particular,
the oeuvre of Adam Sandler.

That's not what I meant.

I had you built
specifically to spare me

from the tedium of dating.

I'm interested in women
for one thing

and one thing only.

Reporter: Thomas Newton,
a systems analyst for Raytheon,

was today sentenced
to 28 years in prison

after authorities discovered

he had an illegal
robot double of himself.

Strictly prohibited
for civilian ownership,

it is long been rumored
that advanced android clones

are available
on the black market.

Suspicions were first aroused
when 58-year-old Newton,

a keen amateur runner,

broke the world marathon record
in Ohio last June...

- You hear that, dummy?
- Yes, Charles.

We'll need to be more careful.

No leaving the house

at the same time, understood?

Yes, Charles.

Now shut your mouth.
I need to pee.

Yes, Charles.

Good evening, Miss Denholm.

Would you like to have
the most incredible sex with me?

Ha! Indeed I would, kind sir.

The most incredible sex ever!

Your wish is my command.

( grunting )

( groans )

Oh.

That was amazing.

Nothing beats good sex, right?

Totally.

( clears throat )

Well, I should be leaving.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?

Well, when can I see you again?

Let me see.

How are you for October 17th?

That's a month from now.

Yeah, you're right.

Let's do November.

Bye.

Directions to ice rink.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

Stupid fucking idiot.

Charles.

Sorry, I wasn't looking
where I was going.

- Are you okay? Are you okay?
- Yeah, fine.

- Thanks. Bye.
- Oh!

- ( grunts )
- Ooh.

Here. It's my fault.
Let me help you up.

Thank you.
I'm Charles, by the way.

Yes, you said. Charles,
the stupid fucking idiot.

I'm Elaine,
the bigger fucking idiot.

Well, we took quite a tumble.

We should get off the ice,
regroup.

- Yeah. Coffee?
- Yeah.

Shall we?

- C2?
- Hello, Charles.

Per your instructions,
I de-fuzzed the peaches

and arranged
your low-rise briefs

- by cotton thread count.
- Thanks.

I've just been ice skating

and had the best time ever.

Ice skating again?
Isn't that a girls' thing?

Which is why it's also
a Charles thing.

200 penguins
to just one polar bear,

who bumped into
the most incredible girl,

and for once
she asked for my number.

Well, I'm glad you've met
a nice young lady.

Speaking of which, number five,
Abby from Desert View texted

saying she'd like you
to meet her parents.

That's nice.

Dump her. Nicely.

By text.

This new girl
is different level.

I need you completely focused on
getting her horizontal for me.

It's a good day, C2.

Indeed it is, Charles.

Hold my taco.

May I?

( trumpeting )

( bell rings )

♪ I see scenes
from broken dreams ♪

♪ There's nobody
at the wheel ♪

♪ You pick me up
from the cold, wet floor ♪

♪ Your shadow looks
so surreal ♪

♪ Tell me your dreams,
tell me your dreams ♪

- ♪ I wanna believe ♪
- ( gasps )

- ♪ I just want more ♪
- Ooh.

- You like it?
- I love it.

♪ These days
will only come for you ♪

Oh, Charles.

♪ Build up the way
I feel for you ♪

♪ I feel the days
start forming ♪

( gasps )

♪ Straight lines
that curve out wide ♪

♪ I'll walk with you,
I follow slow ♪

♪ We'll follow birds
that fly ♪

♪ To New Mexico ♪

I've never felt this way
about a girl before.

I just don't want
the night to end.

I feel the same way.

I'd love for you
to come back to my place...

...but I want our first time
to be really special,

so let's wait until tomorrow.

Yes. Tomorrow.

I want it to be special, too.

( muted clattering )

C2?

Man: FBI!
Place your hands above your head
where I can see them.

We have reason to believe
you are concealing

an illegal robot
"fac-sea-mile" of yourself.

- Fuck off, Ashley.
- Ah, shit.

- How'd you know it was me?
- No creature brighter
than a quadruped

pronounces the word
"facsimile"

"fac-sea-mile,"
let alone an FBI agent.

Just get inside or else
the real feds are gonna show.

Why the fuck are you here?

Oh, I was just in your sector.

You know, figured
I'd see if you need me

to pick any more shit
at Trader Joe's.

If I required your services,
I would get you on the app.

- You're bored.
- God, you need to get
a real job.

Ain't nobody hiring for shit.

You know what the guy
at GNC told me?

"Unqualified."

Motherfucker,
I know good nutrition.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't C2-D2.

Bleep, bloop, bloop,
bloop, bloop.

- I am a robot. I am a robot.
- Hello, Ashley. How are you?

Oh, you know,
every day a step closer

to sucking dick for McNuggets.

I'm very sorry to hear that.
I can empathize.

Oh, really?
You can empathize?

Let me tell you something,
you toaster.

I voted red
to kick the illegals

who were stealing our jobs
out of the country.

And you know what? It worked.
They were all deported.

But then you fucking robots
immigrated here

and made it worse
by doing the same job
for zero wages.

Well, actually robots
aren't immigrants.

"Well, robots aren't
actually immigrants."

I fought for this country,
okay?

When I was the real Fat Ninja,

I single-handedly hunted down
King Dong Un, okay?

I pulled his little ass
out of a foxhole

and dumped his corpse
in the Korean ocean.

No, you didn't.
You were an Army chef.

And you know what
I came home to?

Nothing. No gratitude,
no respect, and no job.

All because of you,
you fuckless Roomba.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You have crossed a line,
my friend.

C2, bless his
little 12-volt heart,
is literally a slave.

If he wasn't emotionally
deprogrammed every night,

he'd soon willingly
self-deport himself to Mexico.

Robots have equal rights
to humans there.

They can live in freedom.
Do you read anything?

No, I don't fucking read.

I'm just fucking around.
You know I love you guys.

You guys are like my brothers.
Come on, bring it in.

Ah, look at us.
We're like triplets.

Ooh, lipstick!

Elaine, yes.
How did it go tonight?

- Elaine is ready.
- Nice work, C2.

She'd like to see you
tomorrow night.
She wrote down her address.

Looks like Charlie's
about to pull the pin
on a fuck grenade.

Ooh, yeah!

- ( grunting )
- Really?

Ashley,
please remove your groin
from my rectal area.

This fucking pervert
just said "rectal."

That's enough, you freak.
Get out of here.

And take this.
I'm officially in a good mood.

I couldn't possibly.
Thank you so much, brother.

What a charming gentleman.

Elaine. Nice work.

( sighs )

I'm home!

You can start up again.

( whirring )

This Charles guy
really wants to bang me,

so you'll have to take over
tomorrow night, too.

Yes, Elaine. Anything new
I should know about him?

Not really.
Except he is up
for a promotion,

so tomorrow should be worth
at least a Rolex.

And he's so perfect
it's almost boring.

Let me see your nails.

Yeah, get those filled
and wear my La Perla.

Any messages
from the other guys?

Number eight, Richard called.

He said he can't stretch

to getting you
a Birkin bag this month,

but would love
to have dinner on Friday.

Elaine: Richard.

Four months, $6,200.

That's only 200 bucks
a bang with you.

Dump him. Kindly.

- By text.
- Yes, Elaine.

Oh, and David Laing
sold another house.

So when you've finished
ironing my underwear,

I'll need you to go out
and bang him too.

- Yes, Elaine.
- Great. Thank you!

- What time do I have to
be here tomorrow?
- 6:30.

6:30?

But you'd never get back in time
from work for us to swap.

I'm sorry, Charles.
I just thought that--

No, you didn't think.
You got lazy, as usual.

Meaning that I'm gonna have to
work a full eight hours.

( rock music playing )

♪ I'm a heartbreaking machine ♪

- ( honks horn )
- Oh, sorry.

- One minute, please.
- ( revs engine )

Just one-- one more second.
Almost done.

Fuck this.

- Hey! What the hell?
- ( baby crying )

Are you okay? It's okay.
Shh, shh, shh.

Meter's expired.
He was parked illegally.

This is my child.

( grunts )

You have my deepest sympathy.

- ( elevator dings )
- Could you hold the door
for me, please?

Oh, uh...

Ugh.

- ( knocking on door )
- Hey, Charles.

How's my real estate
rock star doing today?

- Oh, hi.
- So the board is having

a little social get together.

Maybe it's time
you tagged along.

Perfect chance for you
to win over the guys

before your membership
goes to the vote.

- What do you say?
- Fuck yeah.

- Oh.
- I mean, yes, I'd love that.

- Thank you, Dad.
- That's great.

It's at David Schulman's,
6:30 this evening.

- Come straight from work.
- What? Oh.

Charles?

- Sorry, I'm just so excited.
- Well, as you should be.

The address is
2300 Hayden Rd, Vistana.

See you later, son.

♪ Time, time, time, time ♪

♪ Time waits for nothing ♪

♪ Time, time, time, time ♪

- ♪ Waits for nothing ♪
- C2!

- ( shattering )
- Hello, Charles.

Per your instructions,
I've arranged your T-shirts

- from lightest to darkest.
- Forget about that.

- I need you for something else.
- Of course.

I thought
you were going straight
to Elaine's from work.

Yeah, change of plan.
I now need to go to
this stupid board meeting.

Well, I'm sorry that seeing
Elaine can no longer happen.

Well, actually it can happen,
because whilst I'm with Elaine,

you are gonna be
having a fun evening

brown-nosing a bunch
of geriatric Republicans.

But isn't it too risky for us
to be out at the same time?

Do you not recall
the conversation we had

while I was shaving
your perineum?

How about I reschedule Elaine?

No, how about
you put on the suit,
you go to the function.

You deserve this promotion
far more than I do.

Here is the address.
Uber there.

Now come on.
Let's go get changed.

Yes, Charles.

Come on. Good robot.

( knocking on door )

Hello.

Cameron. Charles Cameron.

Ah, yes. You are expected.

Holy shit.
She kept this quiet.

In here, sir.

Oh, Jeeves,
I'll let myself in.

- I want it to be a surprise.
- Yes, sir.

I'm here and I'm ready,
sugar tits.

I want you to lick Nutella

off every inch
of my naked body

starting with
my silky smooth scrotum.

( zipper unzips )

Hello?

- ( gasps )
- Charles.

I'd like you
to meet the board.

This is our
CFO David Schulman.

Good evening, Mr. Schulman.

David. May I call you that?

It's probably better
than sugar tits.

I brought you some flowers
and strawberries.

And a pair of plums.

And Nutella I imagine.

Yes. It's Italian import.
The good stuff.

You know,
I got a question, Chucky.

Um, which one of us
is gonna be doing the licking?

I'd just rather it's not me
because I have a nut allergy.

Ha!

Yeah, this is
my half-brother, everyone,

master of first impressions.

I'm just gonna step outside
for a moment.

Very nice to meet you,
Mr. Sugar Tits.

Sugarman. Schulman.

David.

All friends here.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Ted Jr.:
Great job, half-bro.

Nailed it!

Happy birthday, Jeeves.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

C2, where are you?

We got the addresses mixed up.

Go home immediately.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I got three bangles.

Ooh, 24 karat.

- And a watch.
- A couple hundred.

Cufflinks.

- For a big shirt.
- All right.

Jesus Christ,
where did he learn that?

♪ Until your arms
are all around me ♪

10, 11, 12, 13, 14,

- 1,500 bucks?
- Sure.

And if you wanna sell me
any of those videos of you...

Oh, that wasn't me.

I mean, well,
I guess it was me,

but they're not--
they're not for sale, sir.

- It's good money.
- Let me think about it.

I've never done this before.

Don't worry. I have.

Thousands of times.

Wonderful.

How am I doing?

The first two hours
were fantastic.

The last three, perfect.

Good, because
I think I'm close.

- Me, too.
- You first.

- No, you first.
- No, I insist.

Together on
the count of three.

Yeah.

Both: One, two, three!

- ( cat yowling )
- ( dog barking )

( music playing )

( alarm beeping )

( beeping continues )

( groaning )
Oh, God.

C2, bring me six Excedrin

and a wellness shot.

C2, where are you?

E2, where are you?
Pick up your phone.

I need to know if he's left
so I can come inside.

Ugh, fucking lid.

Got you, fucker.

( both yelp )

- Elaine.
- Charles.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Oh, um...

- So last night was, um, fun.
- Yeah.

- I'm exhausted.
- You are-- you're
an amazing lover.

Thank you.
Not too shabby yourself.

You really know your way
around a, um, man.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Are you on your own?
- Yeah, of course.

- Why wouldn't I be?
- Oh, no reason.

- Wow, are these all real?
- Oh, don't worry about--

- Oh, God. Sorry.
- Uh, yeah.

- Sorry, let me--
- No, no, no.

Honestly, I can take care
of all of this. Just--

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

There's a fuck
of a lot of them.

( Elaine laughs )

Can I ask you something?

How was I when you left
last night?

- Great.
- We kissed, and then

I went to the, um--
ugh, I told you.

God, I'm drawing such a blank.

You know, I actually just
got back this morning too.

I was at that place
that I was telling you
about last night.

- Oh, um...
- Remember? The-- the...

- No. Uh, sorry.
- ( phones vibrating )

- Do you mind if I get this?
- No, I have to get this too.

- Word.
- Yeah.

C2, you little fucker,
where are you?

- E2.
- I'm at Elaine's
looking for you.

Oh, I'm very fond of Elaine.

I haven't seen her
for several days now.

Well, that's not true.

You very emphatically
lost your virginity
to her last night.

Things are
a little more complicated.

You see, Elaine also
has a robot double-- E2.

- What?
- You were dating
a robot all along.

Charles just wanted
to have sex with you.

C2: Elaine never wanted
to have sex with you.

She just wanted money
and gifts.

E2:
You were using each other.
You see, Elaine...

When a womanizer meets up
with a gold digger...

...things are
unlikely to turn out well
for either of them.

But prospects
are slightly better
for their robot doubles.

E2 and I
are running away together.

We just wanna get over
the border to freedom.

C2:
Please don't try to stop us.

- Don't you dare.
- Good-bye, Elaine.

- No, E2. E2.
- Good-bye, Charles.

No, no.
We can work this out.

Fucking traitor.

- Let's just talk about this.
- Devious piece of shit!

Me devious? Hey!

Fucking hell!

I spent, what,
15 grand on you

to potentially
screw a sex doll?

- Yeah, well--
- Fuck you!

Thank God it wasn't me!
I don't even know wanna know

what STDs you're hosting,
you fuckboy!

- I prefer the term "fuckman."
- Get out of my house!

Wait! Look. Wait!

Stop it.
We have to be smart here.

Trust me, jail is even worse

than your shitty
smashed up house.

Ugh! Fine!

Fine. What are we gonna do?

As much as it
pains me to say it,

we're gonna have
to work together and
track these fuckers down.

You know what?

Whoever made them,
they need to help us.

They are just as guilty
as we are.

- Yeah. Who made yours?
- No, who made yours?

- Why won't you say it first?
- Because I have a slight
trust issue with you.

Well, maybe I have a slight
trust issue with you as well.

Fine. You know what?
We'll say it on
the count of three.

Both: One, two...

Zach Newman,
Tesla Robotics.

- That's not fair.
- Makes it easier.

- He made mine, too. Let's go.
- See?

Much easier to deal
with these issues as adults

rather than chucking things
at people's heads.

Don't do it!

Childish.

Jesus, what kind of an asshole
drives that piece of shit?

( horn honks )

All right, in two miles
take the 25 South.

And in 0.3 miles,
stop staring at my tits.

I was not.

I was admiring
my car's paintwork.

It's the only
Lake Placid Blue double cab
Jeep pickup in America.

Oh, wow. Wonder why.

Same color as Keith Richards'
1982 Fender Telecaster.

- Tell me more.
- Oh, it was a guitar
that he loved so much

- he never actually
took it onstage--
- ( turns radio on )

Okay, you were being sarcastic.

- ( sighs )
- You know, if anything,

you're the one that needs
to back off a little.

Are you insane?

Look, Chuck,

let's be clear about
how we ended up here.

You used a robot
for the sole purpose
of having sex with me.

I used one for the sole purpose
of that never happening.

Well, you're still
deceiving innocent people
just as much as me.

No, you're wrong,
I deceive assholes,

men who are
cheating on someone else
to be with me.

You, however, prey upon girls
who are under the impression

that they are in an exclusive
relationship with you.

Well, there is no such thing.

Humans, women in particular,
are incapable of them.

Well, we agree on one thing.

- Good.
- Good.

Oh, God.

I need to take a power nap.

Maybe you can talk to me
more about your cars.

♪ Whenever the pasture ♪

♪ Starts looking green ♪

♪ He gets replaced ♪

♪ By the doggone machine ♪

( doorbell rings )

Charles. Elaine.

Hey, what are you guys
doing here? Uh...

I remember.

You said to me,
you looked me in the eye

and you said to me,

"I only need them to help
care for my dying parents."

Mine did. He earned my father
a fortune in real estate

and brought my mother flowers
three times a week.

Okay, so, tell me,
were your parents dying?

Look around you, Zach.
We're all dying.

- Life is a terminal illness.
- Look, fuck--

Speaking of dying,
can you please
put that thing down?

Yes. Sorry. Uh-huh.

So, you guys didn't happen to
tell anybody else about them?

- No.
- No.

Zach: Good. Good.
That's something.

Wait here.

Quick question,
and please don't be offended,

how on Earth did you afford
a two million Dogecoin robot?

Zach and I came
to an arrangement, all right?

What kind of arrangement?

- That's none of your business.
- To be honest,

I think I preferred you
with ice skates on.

Yeah, well, I preferred you
when you had glass eyes

and a brain powered by Intel,
so...

Okay, so,
we're not in the clear,

but I managed
to locate them.

- Yes.
- Great.

Yeah, I used
a GPS tracking system
that I put in.

But they're gonna
figure this out soon,
so we gotta move fast.

Great, go find our robots,

get back to helping
our dying parents.

Oh, no,
you can't have them back.

- Both: What?
- You just said that we could.

No, I said I located them,

but we find them
and destroy them.

I beg your pardon.

I'm not just gonna
dismantle him on a whim.

Okay, maybe you guys
don't understand,

but they're not going
to be obedient anymore.

They're humanizing.

They're learning
to feel and empathize,

and far more dangerously,
to seek vengeance.

( blows raspberry )

Bullshit.

I know C2 better
than anybody else.

He's not capable
of any of that shit.

I'm going to go,
and I'm going to find--

Oh, shut the fuck up.

He knows what
he's talking about.

I am not going to die in jail

because of your
spoiled rotten ass.

Fine! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuckity-fuckity-fuck!

- Are you done?
- Fuck!

- Where are they?
- Oh, uh, Socorro.

I think it's gonna be
a bit of a handful,

so I'm gonna need
you two to go with me.

- Yeah, of course.
- Wait.

I need to pee, and throw up,
possibly kill myself.

- Where's your bathroom?
- Right over there.

- So how you doing? Okay.
- No, no. No.

No.

Hey, it's Charles.

Ashley:
Oh! 'Sup, C-Dog?

How's it going?
Where the hell are you?

I'm in a bathroom.

Look, I need your help.
I'm desperate.

Do you need me to bring over
some more ass wipes?

No. It's C2.

Look, I can't really talk now.

I'll text you the details,

but just have Fat Ninja
ready to move.

Yes, sir.

A mission given
is a mission accomplished.

We tame the flames.
In Q we trust.

♪ Ooh, lordy,
trouble so hard ♪

♪ Oh, lordy,
trouble so hard ♪

♪ Don't nobody know
my troubles but God ♪

Do you have any music
other than Moby?

Mm, no.

Wait, you don't like Moby?

God, I love him. I just--

I find him deeply spiritual,

like a--
like the white Gandhi.

♪ Don't nobody know
my troubles but God ♪

♪ Don't nobody know
my troubles but God ♪

♪ Went in the room,
didn't stay long ♪

♪ Looked on the bed
and brother was dead ♪

That's the room up there.
Take these.

They have enough power
to knock them out

till we get them in the van.

Just stay close by me,

and whatever you do,
you gotta be careful

and only use these
when you--

You're 12, you know that?

Pretty good shot
for a 12-year-old.

- It was five feet away.
- Guys, stop.

- ( squawks )
- See? Not that hard to do.

- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Both: Shh.

They're just up there,
you idiot.

Holy shit.
They're screwing.

What?

They're gonna see you! Move!

Okay, looks like
they just started up.

That should give us
about a five-hour window.

Let's use that time
to make a plan.

I wanna-- or we do that.

Your disgusting joyride is over.

- Hey, I get to shoot me.
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Well, fine,
then I'm shooting you.
That's not fair.

Well, it seemed
perfectly fair to me.

You're just not fast enough.

Bullshit.
I'm an excellent marksman.

- Oh, yeah.
- I can hit a quail
from 200 yards.

Oh, Jesus Christ,
what the fuck does it matter?

Charles,
you help me move them

and you stay here
and pack up their shit, okay?

- Elaine: Oh, my God.
- What?

The fucking bitch stole
my Louis Vuitton airplane bag.

You are a ridiculous
human being.

- One, two, three.
- ( grunting )

There you go.
Okay. That's good.

Fuck.

( scoffs )

Are you fucking serious?

Zach: Do you like Elaine?

Charles: Zach, shut up.

Zach: Have you guys kissed
or anything?

- I won't pissed. Just tell me.
- Charles: Lift it up higher.

- If you like her-- okay.
- Shut up. I will shoot you
with this stun gun.

- ( clattering )
- Hello?

You're coming with me,
robo slut!

Aah! Wait, wait, wait!
You're hurting me!

Not as much as you robots
hurt the job market!

- Who are you?
- ( screaming )

Ow! Put me down!

( both grunting )

- Put me down!
- What the fuck!

Oh, shit.

- Help! Help! Help!
- Oh, shit.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey!

- It's me, it's me, it's me.
- What?

- It's me.
- Ashley: Same to you,
you piece of shit.

This is what deserters get!

Fuck you, Ashley!
It's me, Charles!

That's exactly what
a robot would say! Aw, man.

Hey, buddy!
Quick, fire that thing!

- Yes!
- ( groans, farts )

Not at me,
at the fucking robot.

It's me.
We're not fucking robots!

- He's lying!
- Oh, fuck me!

The fuck are you doing,
you idiot?

The eye poke test.
I guess you passed.

What the fuck
is an eye poke test?

Ashley: That's a little trick
I learned in North Korea

to tell the robots
from the humans
in the theater of war.

You see, robots and humans
are exactly the same externally

except for the eyes.

Oh, that's so very interesting.

Who the fuck is this guy?

He's sort of
a friend of mine.

What?
You're the reason he's here?

He just asked me
to bring over
some ass wipes.

Yeah, the rest of this stuff--

- Just stop talking.
- Yes, sir.

So if you two
are the humanoids,

where the robots
I was sent to kidnap?

- Shut the fuck up.
- What?

What is he talking about?

It's fine.
They're in the van.

( tires screeching )

- Fuck!
- Fuck!

Fuck!

Oh, that's no good.

Let's just hope
for all our sake

they're heading to Mexico.

Why I did think
you could ever be trusted?

I'm sorry, okay? I--

I just didn't think
we needed to get rid of them.

I mean, let's face it,
life without robots
is gonna be pretty shitty.

Yeah?
Well, maybe you're gonna have
a shitty life no matter what,

because you're just a shitty,
shitty, shitty person.

She's got a point.

You know, like,
maybe it is time for you

to turn your life around.

I did this toad venom ceremony
in Huánuco Pampa last year.

I don't wanna say
it changed my life, but...

...it changed my life.

You're right.

Maybe I don't need a robot.

Come on, Charles.

You've got this.

Good morning, coworker.

Yes, I watched
"The Bachelor," too.

Yes, receptionist Joan,

I'd love to see pictures
of your children.

Ah, ah! Fuck!

( groans )

Joan.

Ted: Charles.

Hey, guys.
How's it going?

Son, you need help.

Is this about me calling
Mr. Schulman "sugar tits?"

That and your behavior
last night.

What are you talking about?

C2.

I'd been working late at home

and thought that I left a file

in one of
the other guys' desks.

He owed me that.

So did she.

And him.

( whispering )

The bathroom was out of order.

- ( man groans )
- Um, uh...

I'm very sorry.
I've been taking
a lot of Ambien.

How's that stuff
still legal, right?

Maybe we've been
pushing you too hard.

Take some time off. Reset.

You're only human.

( phone vibrating )

Elaine.

I didn't think that
I'd hear from you again.

Yes. Same here.

Trashed my office.

Yeah, I know. I get it.
This is all my fault.

Well, we're gonna have
to figure this out.

Maybe we should meet up.

No more tricks. I promise.

This has been
the worst week of my life.

Paranoia, disguises,
and now I'm expected to bang

the 12 douches
I'm dating just to pay rent.

It's just sex
with complete strangers.

I do it all the time.

- Um, two cappuccinos.
- Thank you.

Could I get a sweetener,
please?

- Yeah.
- I can't do this without E2.

I mean, I'm gonna
have to get a real job.

Trust me, I tried work.

It is literally the worst idea
in the history of the world.

You know, I've been thinking.

What if E2 and C2
really have fallen in love?

I mean, who knows
what they're capable of.

Maybe we should go to Mexico.

- 100% no.
- But Mexico has everything--

Forget Mexico, okay?

We stay here,
we hunt them down,
and we kill them.

Thank you.

- Kill them?
- Kill them.

I'm gonna use the restroom.

Okay, I don't-- I--

( engine starts )

Hey, hey!

Elaine, what the fuck?

- Hey!
- Hey, stop!

- Elaine!
- Charles!

- Come back!
- Charles, stop!

Hey, Charles!

Come back!

- Argh!
- Fuck!

Wait. Wait, you just...

Oh, no.

What the fuck?

Shit.

- Ahh!
- Sorry, I just--

Ow! God, why'd you do it back?

- I needed to check.
- Jesus.

Oh, fuck.
We've been had.

- Fuck, what do we do?
- I don't know.

- They're definitely pissed.
- Yeah, well, no shit.

I did tell C2 we were
planning to kill him.

You idiot.
Why would you do that?

( sighs )

Charles:
Wonder why they left my car
and took yours.

Well, it seems in addition
to vengeance, they've
also developed taste.

- Get off the road.
- ( groans )

( music playing )

I'd offer to buy us a drink,

but your evil twin
stole my credit cards.

And yours took mine.

Do you think
they've had their fun?

( phone vibrating )

I'd say that's highly likely.

- ( squealing )
- God.

- ( sighs )
- ( text chimes )

E2: Okay, let's do this.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.

- ( gunfire )
- ( screaming )

Oh, my God.

( gunfire and screaming
continue )

- Shit.
- Charles...

We've been perfectly framed.

So what are we gonna do?
We gotta get out of town.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.
- I know a place.

♪ Take me or leave me ♪

♪ I'm gonna fly ♪

♪ Love me or hate me ♪

♪ I'm gonna fly ♪

♪ Turn your back on me ♪

♪ Hold me tight ♪

♪ It all goes wrong ♪

♪ Before it's right ♪

♪ Gonna fly ♪

We can hole up here for a bit,
figure out what to do next.

My stepdad never
uses this place.

Great, somewhere picturesque

to plan our next
mass shooting from?

- Whoa, whoa. Phones off.
- What?

Yes, the cops will definitely
be using them to find us.

♪ Never were you bad,
never were you so ♪

( sighing )

♪ Beautiful as one
you did not know ♪

Listen, it's gonna
get dark soon

and it's gonna be
fucking freezing,

so we should probably
find wood for the fire

and see if there's
any food in here.

Seriously?

Can you please go out
and find some wood?

- Thank you.
- ( howling )

- What was that?
- A coyote.

- It sounded like a bear.
- It's a coyote.

Definitely sounded like
a big bear to me.

Oh, really?
Since when do bears howl?

When they're horny?

Would you like me
to go get the wood?

- Yes, please.
- You're such a fucking pussy.

Start that and see if
there's any food in there.

( music playing )

Fucking light.

Yes.

Fuck you, log.

You were supposed
to light the fire.

I tried everything
humanly possible,

but that log is faulty.

It's not flammable.

For fuck's sake.

Did you know
that Bradley Cooper
used to be straight?

Hey! I was reading that.

Help me. You crumple it up.

Did you manage
to find any food?

Oh, yes.
Mixed news on that front.

I found some old cans,
but unfortunately

there isn't the little machine
C2 uses to open the cans.

Can opener?
You seriously don't know
the term "can opener"?

Great.

Mmm.

Yeah, I told you this place
would be all right
once we got it sorted.

We make quite the team.

What's for dessert?

We make quite the team?

That's like saying
a murderer and their victim
make quite a team.

A team works together
for everyone's mutual benefit.

The only you've done
since we've been up here

is watch me be
your new robot slave.

I provided the cabin.

The rest is not really
my specialty.

You didn't provide the cabin.
Daddy did.

Just like everything else
in your life.

You know what?
I'm gonna go to sleep.

Because I can't fucking
believe that I am stuck

on the top
of a mountain with you,

with no money
and no friends and no phone,

and a life of jail
waiting for me at the bottom.

And I hope I have a nightmare,

because it'll be better
than this shitty reality.

I'm very sorry, Elaine.

Didn't mean to be
inconsiderate.

You should sleep
in the comfortable chair
next to the fire

- so you don't die
of hypothermia.
- Fuck off.

Can you at least
let me try and move you
closer to the heat?

- No. I'll kick you.
- Well, I'm going to do it.

Do not kick me.
I'm going to gently move you
towards the fire.

- I'm gonna kick you.
- No. No.

- Stop!
- Come nearer the fire.

- Charles, stop it!
- Otherwise you'll
freeze to death!

Stop!

- I hate you.
- Elaine, we'll swap places.

Let's just be rational here.

I have just consumed
nearly an entire tin of beans.

I should be sleeping
nowhere near an open flame.

- Fuck off.
- Okay.

♪ I'm sick and tired
of the way that I feel ♪

♪ I'm always dreaming
and it's never for real ♪

♪ I'm all alone
with my deep thoughts ♪

♪ I'm all alone with
my heartache ♪

♪ And my good intentions ♪

♪ I want to eat and drink,
to sleep just a little ♪

♪ Feels like I'm never
getting back what I give ♪

♪ I got a sad song
in my sweet heart ♪

♪ And all I really ever need
is some love and attention ♪

Give me that.

I still think
you're a total dick.

Could I have
a little bourbon, please?

Now about that dessert.

♪ And I don't wanna cry ♪

♪ My whole life through ♪

♪ I wanna do
some laughing, too ♪

♪ So, come on,
come on, come on ♪

- Okay, ready?
- You have two two hands.
It's cheating.

Yeah, I'm a girl. Go.

Oh!

( laughs )
That's not fair.

♪ Don't wanna die ♪

♪ Without shaking up
a leg or two ♪

♪ Yeah, I wanna do
some dancing, too ♪

♪ So, come on, come on,
come on, come on ♪

♪ And dance with me ♪

( music continues )

In the fire?

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on
and dance with me ♪

Morning.

Coffee and Excedrin,
breakfast of champions.

And alcoholics.

We need to get off
this mountain.

It's only gonna be
a matter of time
till the cops find us here.

That's true.

Mexico's our only choice.

How are we supposed
to get to Mexico

with every cop in the country
looking for America's

only Lake Placid Blue
double cab Jeep?

- Ta-da.
- Wow.

Got up early
this morning to do it.

Found some old paint
in the shed.

Guarantee you
it will get us past the cops.

It's actually really
well camouflaged.

- Whoa.
- I ran out of green.

- It'll do the trick.
- Yeah. Should we get going?

Why don't we get
some lunch first?

Sure, I'll try
and see if there's any--

Uh-uh-uh. This way.

There's something
I wanna show you
in the woods.

- This looks creepy.
- Don't be silly.
Just come on.

I'm a little scared.

You're scared?
I'm the one that has
to walk back alone.

Follow me into the woods.

- Fuck!
- Whoa, what happened?

- You were an idiot
is what happened.
- What happened?

What are you talking about?
I didn't do anything?

I wanted to show you my first,
and if I'm brutally honest,

only really successful
real estate development.

Huh?

( laughs )
Oh.

Is that your doll house?

It's a fishing lodge.

- Oh, it's your playhouse.
- No.

This is really cute,
but I'm starving.

Where's lunch?

- Charles: In there.
- What?

We're going fishing?

- Yeah.
- Ooh! So exciting.

( moans )

How much longer
is this gonna take?

Three, four hours.

- Four more hours?
- Yes. Do you want a go?

Don't be disheartened
if you don't get anything.

Your best weapon is patience.

Oh, really?
I beg to differ.

What are you--
hey, be careful!

- Jesus!
- Get out of the way.

- Get out of the way.
- Fuck off.

- That's cheating.
- Not my fault you brought

a fishing rod to a gun fight.

Come on. I'll help you.

- Ah!
- You--

- I will throw you
in this river.
- No, let go of me!

I will throw you
in this river.

You will be swimming
with the trout!

That was actually
very delicious.

Time to face the music?

( siren blaring )

Shit. Shit.

- We're going to jail.
- No, no.

- We're going to jail, Elaine.
- Hey, Charles.

- I can't go to jail.
Not with this face.
- Look at me.

- Charles, don't say anything.
- They'll pass me around
like a joint.

- Don't say anything, okay?
- Okay.

- Let me do the talking. Okay.
- Okay.

- You know why I stopped you?
- Mass murder.

- Charles.
- Sorry.

What?

Whatever asshole kid
vandalized your vehicle

also painted over
your brake lights.

IDs, please.

Charles, the brake lights.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Officer, I did it.

I coerced Elaine.
She's completely innocent.

You painted over
your own lights?

Why would you do that?

Just scrape 'em clean
and you can get on your way.

- Thank you.
- Thanks, officer.

- We really appreciate it.
- On your way.

What the fuck?

He ran the IDs and nothing.

Turn on your phone.

- Google "August mass shooting."
- It's America.

We might need to be
a little bit more specific.

Yeah, um,
Albuquerque IRS shooting?

- Nothing.
- Pull up the video again.

- E2: Okay, let's do this.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my God,
there's no cars
in the parking lot.

And it was a Saturday,

which means no one
would be in the office.

- ( gunfire, screaming )
- And those are AR-15s.
AR-15s are semiautomatic.

That's fully automatic gunfire.
They faked the whole thing.

- What a pair of fucking cunts!
- Yeah.

They've been
living it up in Mexico
whilst you've been here

freaking out about
going to prison for no reason.

Okay, both of us have been.

Unbelievable.

Charles,
they're not in Mexico.

Then where have
they run away to?

They haven't.

Both: Oh.

Oh!

- Elaine: Ugh.
- Fucking hell.

This is terrible.

They've completely
stolen our lives.

Do we have enough gas
to get to the border?

No, but we do have enough

to get to my stepdad's
house in Santa Fe

and work out how
we're gonna get our lives back.

You're right.
Fuck those cunts.

God, I find it so attractive
when you say that word.

- Do you?
- Yeah, I think it might be
an English thing.

( music playing )

♪ Your silicon strategy's
in free fall ♪

♪ Your helicam flutters ♪

♪ In high frequency ♪

♪ The power cut undercuts
your free flow ♪

♪ There's nobody left
to casually ♪

♪ Guide your hand ♪

♪ Loan me your unholy ♪

♪ Lowly loneliness ♪

♪ Loan me your unholy ♪

♪ Lowly loneliness ♪

♪ You're only in a mess ♪

Isn't it weird
to think that we, the robots,
are down somewhere?

Elaine: Probably at the bar

telling people
how happy they are.

Charles:
How they complete each other.

It's so fucked up.

It's so fucked up.

( airplane engine )

- God.
- That's cringe.

Elaine: Ugh, so cheesy.

What's going on down there?
Give me those.

- ( grunts )
- Sorry.

Ooh, they have arrived.

- ( gasps ) Oh, my God.
- What?

Elaine: The fucking bitch stole
my Chanel hula hoop purse.

- Really?
- Oh, how lame is that?

They hired a mime.

- Ow.
- That's not a mime.

- It's a bloody priest.
- What?

- We're getting married.
- No.

- What do we do?
- I got it.

- I got it. Let's go.
- Go where?

To stop our wedding.

I feel kind of bad
for peeling off their faces

and throwing them in there.

Walk like you've got
a stick up your ass.

- Better?
- Too much.

- Smaller stick.
- More salt!

- Less soap!
- Yes, Chef.

Dude, my half-brother
is such a freak.

He's incapable
of keeping a woman.

I know because I'm banging
his ex-girlfriend.

- Mm.
- Hey, welcome to the wedding.

- What is your problem?
- Uh, my dick's so big
it gives me back pain.

- Want me to cut it off?
- Okay, yeah. I like her.

- Prick.
- Charlie, congrats.

I'm so happy for you.

- What is it?
- Francesca, my ex.

You know, just because
you're getting married

it doesn't mean
we can't be friends.

Maybe you can
take me shopping.

There will be
benefits for you.

Fucking gold digger.

( clears throat )

Will you excuse me,
Francesca?

Ted: Speech is in
the courtyard, folks.

C2: Thank you, everyone,
for making it here
on such short notice.

Till a couple of days ago,

most of you probably
didn't even realize

that Elaine and I were dating.

But the truth is,
we have more in common

than you could ever imagine.

It's almost
as if we're hardwired
to be a couple.

I see what they did there.

When we first met,
it was electric.

"Sparks flew."
Missed that one.

- Oh, God.
- C2: We're so compatible,

and that's why we wanted
to get married immediately

just to make things official.

Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.

We're not married.
That's tomorrow.

And you know what else
is tomorrow?

Dancing. Hit it DJ.

Oh, please, God, no.

( big band music playing )

- Stop.
- What?

( music continues )

Did we just watch
the same thing?

We're going to get changed.
We'll be back in a jiffy.

And please remember,
don't go easy
on the champagne.

I think I preferred him
without a sense of humor.

Okay, this is our chance.

- C2: Come in.
- Room service.

- E2: Come in.
- Charles?

Elaine?

Hey, you go ahead.
I'll catch up.

( music playing )

( grunting )

- Just leave the bag.
- No fucking way.

The guns are running low.
We're gonna have to get rid
of our passengers soon.

Any bright ideas?

( grunting )

Gentlemen first, I guess.

Both: One, two, three.

( splashing )

Should we get Bonnie
now that Clyde is, uh...

( clicks tongue )

Yeah, let's get this over with.

Wait, wait, wait.
She's wearing, like,
12K worth of my jewelry.

- What?
- Yeah, move.

- Quickly then.
- Okay.

It can't be. Elaine.

- What?
- He's awake.

The fucker's swimming to shore!

What the fuck?
What the fuck?

- I don't--
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Come on, come on!
- I told you they
were running low.

- Shoot her again!
- ( sparking )

( panting )

- Okay. At least we got her.
- Okay. Yeah.

Leaving us the small issue
of getting C2 back.

All right,
let's get her over the edge.

Wait. We have got
the one thing in the world
that C2 cares about.

We need to set a trap,
make him jealous.

If C2 thinks that E2 is,
you know, into me,

then he'll come straight to us.

It'll never work.
She's deprogrammed now.

She's fucking feral.
She won't do it.

- If only we had an obedient E2.
- I have an idea.

Yeah, help me get her
to the Jeep. Come on.

Aw, shit!

- ( both grunting )
- We need E3.

- E3?
- Go get her.

What are you even talking--
E3? I've never heard that.

- Zach.
- Uh, who is E3?

Zach and I used
to work together,

and I think it's fair to say
that he was attracted to me.

Obsessed even.

No, it was, like,
barely a crush.

- Puppy love.
- Which led to him
breaking into my home

and installing a camera
in my bathroom.

You dirty bastard.

All I did was watch her
brush her teeth.

- Mm.
- So I gave him a choice.

I could call the cops

or he could build me
a robot double.

We, uh, negotiated,

and I also agreed
to letting him build a triple,

E3, for his personal use.

I mean, don't get me wrong--
creepy as fuck. But great.

We have an obedient E2.
Where is she?

- Well, she's broke.
- Oh, bullshit.
Go and get her.

- What?
- We need her to make out
with Charles

while FaceTiming C2 because
he'll think that she's E2,

he'll get jealous,
and that's how
we lure him back here.

- He wouldn't fall for that.
- Just let us try it!

- No!
- Zach, don't you forget

that you are as much
in the shit as we are.

So unless you have
a different genius idea...

Charles: Chop, chop.

It's, like, crazy,

'cause I'm older
and they're younger,

and they're bossing me around?

- Holy shit.
- Oh, dear.

It might be kind of fun
to introduce you
to some new friends.

You are never allowed
to tell anyone about this.

You're gonna love this.
I'm gonna love it.

Hi. I'm Elaine.

What? No, no, no.
I am Elaine.

You gotta straighten
that shit out immediately.

Okay. Honey, I'm gonna have
to change your name, okay?

So I'm gonna call you E3.

E2. She needs to be called E2.

Oh, right, 'cause your
stupid fucking plan. Okay.

Your name is E2.
Who gives a shit?

Hi, I'm E2 Who Gives a Shit.

I see you've taken her brain
and put it in her bra.

She looks kind of dopey.
Is she all right?

- Zach: She's perfect.
- You've been a really
dirty boy today.

I think I should probably clean
your dirty bits and pieces.

- Oh! No.
- Oh, God, I'm gonna puke.

No, come on up.
Come on up.

We don't wanna that,
Elaine-- I mean, E2.

We got guests,
and we wanna be good hosts.

That's us time.
That's when it's two, not four.

E2, from now on,
Charles here,

this is the guy
that you want, okay?

Not Zach.

( sighs )

( groans )
Just do it.

Okay.

Hi, Charles. Do you want
a little spanky-wanky?

Okay, yeah.
I'm good for spanky-wanks.

- You got 20 minutes.
- Jesus.

And the safe word is "Kanye."

Charles:
Right. Just slow down.

We want you to make a video.

Oh, I've made
so many videos before.

Oh, God. Yes, of that
I have no doubt.

( Western music playing )

( phone vibrating )

- E2.
- It's Charles.

Where is E2?

She's with me right now.

Hi, C2, everything's fine here.
You can come and get me.

That's Elaine.
I want to see E2.

Damn, you're smart.
I'll have you know
that E2's here as well,

- and she's doing just great.
- Mm-hmm.

Come on, E2.
Spanky-wanky time.

Oh, another Charles,
just like my baby boy.

- What have you done to her?
- We're at Zach's.

He tweaked her brain
a little bit,

made her a little more fun.

No. That's not possible.

Trust me, E2 has become
a lot more friendly.

- E3: I want you now.
- Charles: Oh!

- No!
- Both: Bye, C2.

( Western music playing )

We're on track.

Now we just need
to get the gun ready
for when he gets here.

Jesus! Okay.

- I guess we just wait.
- We're done now. Thank you.

Okay, that's enough.
Thanks. You can leave.

Weird.

Okay. Right.

We should set some
positions for an ambush.

- You keep lookout.
I'll take the door.
- Yeah.

Oh, not you again.

Okay, yeah.
We're done now.

Hey, we're all good, okay?

Shoo.

- Get her off of you.
- I'm trying.

You're not trying that hard.

Ah, nope. Nope, nope.

She's strong.

She's clearly programmed
to initiate.

Initiate?
She's trying to rape me!

- Use the safe word.
- Kanye.

Yeezus! Vice President West!

- ( zipper unzips )
- Get Zach! Ye! Ye!

- Ye! Ye!
- Zach, she's not listening!

- ( knocking on door )
- ♪ Ooh, lordy ♪

- ♪ Trouble so hard ♪
- Elaine: Zach!

- ♪ Ooh, lordy,
trouble so hard ♪
- Zach!

Kanye! Yeezy! Yeezus!

Stop it!

Does Charlie want
a pinky-winky?

No, not the pinky! Zach!

♪ Don't call me lonesome ♪

♪ Lonesome
or blue as can be ♪

Holy shit.
This motherfucker.

Sheriff? Sheriff!

Aw, fuck.

Zach, she's out of control!

Zach!

Ugh, maybe I should
just let this happen.

No! No!

( all grunting )

- Stop. No.
- Come here!

Get off me! Zach!

- ( grunting )
- Okay!

20 minutes is up!

- Zach.
- Kanye.

Why didn't you say
the safe word?

- We fucking did.
- Like 20,000 times.

- You're supposed
to say it in my voice.
- What?

Zach: You know,
if you monsters will excuse us,

I have to give Elaine
a nice bubble bath.

- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.

Oh, Charles,
could you get dressed?

I lost a sock.

And one of my testicles.

- ( laughs )
- It's not funny.

- It's kind of funny.
- No, it is not.

- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, as long as I never

have to see
a robot double of you again.

( Elaine gasps )
Fuck.

- ( muffled grunting )
- No.

- ( wheels screeching )
- ( clattering )

( E2 mumbling, grunting )

- Elaine: It's him.
- Charles: Zach's gun.

I'm sorry, C2.

I don't really have a choice.

Huh?

It's a fucking paintball gun.

What?

- My darling.
- C2!

Your wedding dress
is everything
I imagined and more.

- ( siren wailing )
- The cops.

( siren chirps )

( muttering )

Belen Police. Oh, shit.

Are you seeing this, Chavez?

Boss, I don't know
what this is.

Sheriff:
On your knees!

Hands on your heads,

fingers interlocked.

Wow.

This is big.

Even bigger than
the doorbell camera
butthole flasher.

I'm for sure
gonna be on multiple
true crime podcasts.

But, boss--

Boss, it was me
who discovered the--

( cell door opens )

So, what
I'm struggling to understand
is how identical twins

came to have
identical fingerprints.

Far as I can see,
there's only one explanation.

Two of y'all are robot
"fac-sea-miles."

It's actually
pronounced "facsim--"

Uh, sorry,
you were saying?

Whichever of you are humans,
enjoy this cell.

It's the nicest one
you're gonna see
for the next 40 years.

And for you robots in here,
say your good-byes.

The only way you'll
see each other again

is if you're recycled in
the same Bud Light six-pack.

I'll be back in the morning

with some Federal Robot
Enforcement agents.

( cell door slams )

I'm heading home to polish
my badge and boots, Chavez.

This time tomorrow,
I'll be on Fox News.

A hero.

I can't believe we're
actually eating jail food.

Don't worry.

You're not missing out
on much.

We're robots.

There are many things
we don't need.

Food, sleep, oxygen.

We're glorified appliances

built to live
our lives as slaves.

E2: Alone.

At least,
that's what we thought...

...until we met, fell in love.

Something we didn't
even think was possible.

You told us
thousands of times
love isn't real.

It's a delusional state
that only ends in misery.

E2: But we realized
you're wrong.

Love is real,
and it's the cure to misery.

You're humans.
That's what you do.

You sabotage your own happiness.

We would rather die
as robots with love

than live
our lives like you,

humans without it.

Jesus.

We've been such
fucking idiots.

Yeah.

None of it matters
anymore though.

It's all over.

What are you doing?

I'd like my phone call, please!

I want to speak to my lawyer.

- One quick call.
- Thank you.

- I'll be listening.
- Good.

Mm-hmm.

Hello?

It's Charles Cameron.

I've been arrested.

I'm at Belen Sheriff's Office.

Just do whatever you can.

Thank you very much, Mr. Ninja.

Mr. F. Ninja.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Mr. F-A-T Ninja. Yes.

- Okay, thank you.
- Come on. Let's go.

My lawyer's a bit old.
He gets quite confused.

Our lives are in
the hands of a man

that I am pretty sure
is illiterate.

( phone ringing )

Belen Sherriff's Office,
Deputy Chavez.

Ashley:
I need to file a report.

I gotta a 7-11 in progress
at the 10-65.

Sorry, scratch that.
Reverse it.

A 10-65 at the 7-11
in Santa Lucy.

We got four suspects armed,

but here's where
it gets weird.

- They're all identical.
- What do you mean?

Pretty certain
they're robots, ma'am.

Okay, thank you
for reporting this, mister...

Lieutenant Alex Mason,
Seal Team 7.

Well, thank you
for your service,
Lieutenant Mason.

Listen, I'm on my way, okay?

Please do not
confront the suspects.

Godspeed, deputy.
In Q we--

Fuck him.
You got this, Chavez.

Charles: Yes! Ashley!

Go, go, go.

Keys.

Hey, Charles,
can I get a word?

I'm C2.

Hey, Charles,
you know you don't
have to go to Mexico.

I could always just
kill those robots for you.

Yeah, thanks, Ashley,

but I think we're gonna cross
the border together, my friend.

- We really should go.
- Ashley: I get it, sir.

- Good-bye, Elaine.
- E2: Oh, I'm E2.

God damn it.

Elaine,
I won't forget you.

- And good luck in Mexico.
- Charles: Thanks, Ashley.

- I'll get rid of the evidence.
- Good work, soldier.

Thank you, sir.

( music playing )

Not far till freedom.

How are you planning
to use it?

Well, first of all,
we'd like to get married.

Hopefully without
interruptions this time.

Then I'd like to learn
to scuba dive.

In case someone tries
to throw you in a lake again?

We can learn together.

Get a little house
on the beach.

- Mm.
- What about you two?

Oh, I don't know.

Probably check myself
into rehab for purse addiction.

Will you see each other?

See each other?
Uh, you mean, like...

- As friends.
- Oh, right. Yeah.

- Yeah. I mean, you know--
- Of course. We're friends.

Charles: Yeah, I mean,
she's gonna want me hanging
around me all the time.

Yeah, he's not gonna
want me hanging around
all the time either,

so we'll just see each other
when we see each other.

Yes.

Mexico.

Here's to new beginnings.

( music continues )

- ( beeps )
- Welcome to Mexico.

( sighs )

( beeps, buzzes )

Sorry, entry is not granted.

- What do you mean?
- Sorry, entry is not granted.

What? Do it again.

Is it charged? Is it on?

Try it again. Try this eye.

Sorry, entry is not granted.

What's happening?

I don't-- E2 and I have
identical retina scans.

- Charles: Please,
can you just let her through?
- ( siren wailing )

Robot: Sorry,
entry is not granted.

Elaine:
Just stop fucking saying that.

- Come on.
- Sorry, entry is not granted.

Charles: I can't even
bribe the bastard.

He won't make an exception.
He's programmed not to.

( siren wailing )

- Go.
- But you'll be arrested.

The woman you love
and who loves you

is waiting for you...

...and I'm not leaving Elaine.

Now go.
You're still my robot.
That's an order.

Good-bye, my friend.

Thanks for showing me
how to be a human.

Good-bye, Charles.

Thank you.

- ( beeps )
- Welcome to Mexico.

You stupid cunt.

( siren wailing )

Hey!

Hands in front of you now

where I can see 'em!

Now!

( beeps )

( beeps )

- Humans.
- Beats an eye poke test.

All right, where are they?

Both of your hands out.
You're under arrest.

You're going away
for a long time.

Hang on.
What exactly are they being
arrested for, Sheriff?

Well, having robot
"fac-sea-miles," obviously.

And where's your evidence?

Do you have videos,
prints, mugshots?

No, no.
They blew up my jail.

- Agent: Let's go.
- Sheriff: No, no, no, no.

You are an idiot.
Never call me again.

We're out of here.

So, I, uh-- I guess
we're not going to jail

for the rest of our lives?

It would seem so.

So what do you want
to do now?

This.

( cheering )

My darlings, congratulations.
I'm so happy for you.

- Thanks, Mum.
- But where'd you go?

We thought you'd got cold feet.

Oh, no, we just--

just wanted a little
bit of quiet time together

before the chaos
of the wedding.

Oh, honey, lovely.

Oh, God.
What happened to Ted Jr.?

Mother:
Oh, it's his allergy.

Some asshole put Nutella
in the Wagyu sliders.

Be right back.

Oh, poor little Teddy
with his fat little face.

Oh, do you see
his big little ear?

( no audible dialogue )

Schulman. Good evening, sir.

I gather that you met
my wife Kiki yesterday.

I did, and she actually
grabbed my ass

pretty aggressively, sir.

- You're fired.
- I know.

Best day of my life.

( music playing )

Who says that when a womanizer
and a gold-digger get together

things wouldn't turn out well
for either of them?

Hey, lovebirds!
You miss your robots yet?

- Shut up.
- Sorry.

Been in the bathroom
doing blow with some guy
named David Schulman.

He offered me a job
as an architect.

- Both: What?
- Whatever the fuck that is.

- I mean--
- Hey, let's fucking party, huh?

- Where did you find him?
- I have no idea.

♪ Something in the middle ♪

♪ Of the side of the store ♪

♪ Got your attention
and asked for more ♪

♪ I was excited to be part
of your world ♪

♪ To belong, to be lost ♪

♪ To be mostly the two of us ♪

♪ Something I was stealing ♪

♪ For no reason at all ♪

♪ They hang me higher
than a disco ball ♪

♪ But you talked them
into letting me go ♪

♪ It's no Picasso,
Michelangelo ♪

♪ Something 'bout
the jewels you wear ♪

♪ Shiny, shiny bangles
on your wrists ♪

♪ And at the masquerade ball ♪

♪ You feel trapped in a vault,
in an empty aquarium ♪

♪ If suddenly you're out
of the woods ♪

♪ Then inside of an alley,
you're out of words ♪

♪ Well, I thought
it was radium at first ♪

♪ Just because of you ♪

♪ These things
I have to go through ♪

♪ Is it so bad? ♪

♪ Is it so true? ♪

♪ Is it still you? ♪

♪ Just because of you ♪

♪ These things
I have to go through ♪

♪ It's more than that,
we're chained ♪

♪ There's no one else
to blame for us two ♪

♪ Some things,
they don't matter,
till they matter to you ♪

♪ They stole that money
from a homeless girl ♪

♪ The truth,
we're all to blame ♪

♪ Their lies
and moral consequences ♪

♪ We started at the end
of the line ♪

♪ To end up giving up
to a couple, who cares? ♪

♪ When you talked me
into letting you go ♪

♪ No more coral
on the atoll ♪

♪ Something about how hard
you learned ♪

♪ Kamikaze in
a hopeless world ♪

♪ Do you remember
the last time you laughed ♪

♪ And I laughed,
and you left, and I left ♪

♪ Send me on the lonely
other side of the world ♪

♪ With a couple of guys
and no alphabet ♪

♪ Put two and two together ♪

♪ We'll make it
last forever ♪

♪ Just because of you ♪

♪ These things
I have to go through ♪

♪ Is it so bad? ♪

♪ Is it so true? ♪

♪ Is it still you? ♪

♪ Just because of you ♪

♪ These things
I have to go through ♪

♪ It's more than that,
we're chained ♪

♪ There's no else
to blame for us two ♪

( vocalizing )

♪ Just because of you ♪

♪ These things
I have to go through ♪

♪ Is it so bad? ♪

♪ Is it so true? ♪

♪ Is it still you? ♪

♪ Just because of you ♪

♪ These things
I have to go through ♪

♪ It's more than that,
we're chained ♪

♪ There's no else
to blame for us two ♪

( music playing )

( music continues )