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[military brass music playing]

ASTÉRIX & OBÉLIX
THE MIDDLE KINGDOM

[narrator] The year is 50 B.C.

Gaul is entirely occupied by the Romans.

Well,

not entirely.

One small village of indomitable Gauls

still holds out against the invaders.

And life isn't easy
for the Roman legionaries

who garrison the fortified camps
of Totorum, Aquarium,

Laudanum and Compendium.

[man 1] ♪ Favourite thing that I like ♪

♪ Is to go on a hike in the forest ♪

♪ I like to go
With my buddy, with my... bro ♪

Hey, that rhymes. Ha!

[man 2] You know what, Obélix?
This life isn't healthy.

- [Obélix] Huh?
- Too much meat.

- Oof! Too much meat?
- Yeah.

Wild boars for breakfast, lunch
and dinner, and then midnight snacks.

And all that barley beer!

I don't think it's all that good for us.

- What else would we eat then?
- I don't know.

We could balance it out a bit,
with, uh... vegetables.

- Vegetables? Vegetables?
- Uh-huh.

[Obélix laughs]

Oh, you're so funny, Astérix!

- You hear that, Dogmatix?
- [whining]

Do you picture yourself chewing celery

instead of a bone?
Like, "Hello, vegetables"?

[laughs]

Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

Honestly, what is the point
of wrecking our health like this?

And that magic potion...

Where's the evidence
that it's safe to use?

We don't have perspective. We just don't.

And plus, do we even need it, you know?

- You alright?
- No, I'm not.

Look, it's not a huge deal,

maybe a mixed salad now and then,
or mushrooms. Chestnuts?

- Well, they're out of season...
- Shush.

[sniffs vigorously]

- [Astérix sighs]
- [comical music playing]

You're carrying one already,
can't you leave the poor beasts alone?

[growling]

[metal tinkling]

[quivering]

Peekaboo, you ickle-wickle Romie-pomies!

[barking]

- Hail, Caesar.
- [soldier 1] Sorry, we're lost.

We didn't know
we were so close to your village.

Oh please,
I must've told you twenty times.

- Did not.
- Did too.

[soldier 2] You kept saying,
"I'm sick to death of these stupid Gauls."

"They can kiss my scutum."

- Oh!
- [soldier 1] What's wrong with you?

- [indistinct arguing]
- [Obélix] Wait here.

No, no, no.

Leave it to me.

Let me demonstrate
just how much I need this.

True power is here,

and here.

So you just sit over there,

relax, and watch and learn.

[tense music playing]

[soldier 1] Hiya.

[cry of pain]

[Obélix giggles]

They got these helmets...

I'm sorry, are you in or out?

I've been told to stay out.

No!

[Astérix screams in pain]

- Come and help, don't be silly!
- Go on, pound him hard.

[grunts]

- Oh!
- [Obélix] Hey!

[squeaking and peeping]

[roars]

Oh!

[whistling]

Come on, be a sport, would--

- [Astérix sighs]
- Cheater!

Dunno what you're on about.

I was doing fine without the potion.

[tutting]

We don't have to do this.

But... we do.

[screams]

ASTÉRIX & OBÉLIX
THE MIDDLE KINGDOM

- [light-hearted music playing]
- [distant screaming]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter continues]

♪ I love my big belt ♪

♪ To keep my lovely britches up! ♪

Why no customers?

- Product's not that fresh.
- [flies buzzing]

- Are you fresh?
- What?

- Uh, nothing.
- [Obélix] Can you imagine,

Getafix, I can't even
smoke my own boars inside!

Just because mister Astérix
has decided to quit eating them,

- doesn't mean I have to.
- [laughs]

[kid] Panacea!

Panacea!

- Panacea!
- [Panacea] Hi, girls.

- Shall we go to the market?
- [girl] Yes!

- [clears throat] Morning, Panacea.
- Morning, Obélix.

Um, Panacea...

[Obélix] I wanted to tell you...

Mm-hmm?

When I carved this menhir, I was thinking
of you, so I want you to have it.

That's really nice of you,
but what would I do with it?

Goodbye then.

- She didn't take it.
- Hum?

- The menhir, she didn't want it.
- What did you expect? It weighs a ton!

What would she use it for?
An ankle bracelet?

- Getafix, your sickle's ready.
- Thanks, Fulliautomatix.

Oh, enough of that.

And let me tell you... I'll tell you...

Come here.

♪ I'm on fire ♪

There's no reason for Astérix
not to have a varied diet as long as

he doesn't impose it on others.

Getafix, what are you doing?

Huh?

[comical music playing]

Sinking, I believe.

What're you doing that for?

It's quicksand, obviously.

Nobody's ever reported
quicksand around here before.

Perhaps it's because they'd already sunk!

[Cacofonix] Wagon in sight!

♪ Wagon in sight ♪

Excuse me a second.

♪ But I'm never hoarse ♪

♪ Because my heart yearns to sing ♪

- Was it too hard for you to shut up?
- [Cacofonix holds the note]

[grunts]

First customer I'd had in days!

That's how long
your fish's been rotting there.

What? You saying my fish is rotten?

[serious music playing]

Let's go see who it is, huh?

FOR LOUISE AND MARCEL

- Stay put, horsies.
- Bankruptis, what you doing here?

- [Bankruptis] Shh!
- It's summertime.

Were you ambushed?

- [Astérix] And where's your uncle?
- Will you shut up, I mean it, not a word.

[whispering] Listen to me! Okay?

Friends, I just came from China.
I need your help with this.

- You've got to see this.
- Why are you blonde?

Now that's what I need to tell you.
I'm a Gaul. I've always been a Gaul.

- Pff!
- So please, play along.

Just play along with it,
would you, please?

I will explain. This way.

- [mysterious music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

[crowd gasps]

They're strange.

[Bankruptis] Now this magnificent
young woman asleep on the shoulder,

she's a princess.

Name of Sa See. The very daughter
of the Empress of China.

[crowd gasps]

You do know where China is, right?

- Absolutely.
- [scattered murmurs]

Right.

- Is she a princess too?
- [Bankruptis] No.

She's her bodyguard, her name's Ka Ra Tay.

Let me tell you she's a right fury.
She beat up everybody we met.

She beat the Scythians. And she beat
the Parthians, she beat the Huns.

She's a beautiful woman.

A woman bodyguard?
[laughs] That's pretty funny.

That's it, laugh then, go on.

Since you're such an alpha male,
we'd all love a demonstration.

- Huh?
- Alright.

Yeah, see if you can grab her hand,
alpha male.

- [Bankruptis] Go ahead. Be my guest.
- Alright.

[cracking]

[groans]

[all laugh]

Voilà.

["Say You, Say Me" playing]

♪ Say you, say me ♪

♪ Say it for always ♪

[wings chittering]

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

You been drinking potion?

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

- What's happening?
- What's happening is quite obvious.

I'll tell you this, do not go there.

The princess and I...

We're a bit more than friends,
know what I'm saying?

- You are?
- Yeah.

Princess?

We have arrived.

[crowd] Oh!

[Vitalstatistix]
What's the meaning of this?

[boy] Oh no, here comes the chief!

Now this is Vitalstatistix,

he's the chief of us Gauls, he's the boss.

[grunts]

In the name of Toutatis,
you've got some nerve.

Where's your uncle Ekonomikrisis?
He swindled me on a silk chiffon.

- How incredible.
- [Impedimenta] Yeah.

He said, "Relax, it'll stretch."
Do I look relaxed?

- Clearly not.
- Where's the swindler?

Ow! No! He sent me, all right?
Can I tell you the story?

Let me introduce Princess Sa See.

The daughter of the Empress of China!

[crowd] Oh!

Who's the girl?

- Thank you, Bankruptix.
- Welcome.

Chief Vitalstatistix. Allow me to explain
why I have come to you.

- Getafix, how far's China?
- Very far!

It is where the sun comes up, over yonder.

Ah.

[narrator] As the tale of the Princess
is likely to be rather long,

and fraught with emotion,

let's have a somewhat condensed
account instead.

The Princess lives
with her mother, the Empress.

Ever since the Emperor died,

the Empress has struggled to keep control
over the Six Kingdoms.

Even as beloved as she is by her people,

the Empress must face the ambitions
of some of the princes,

who secretly covet her throne.

The troubles began
on Princess Sa See's birthday,

the girl you saw earlier, in the village.

This is what we call a flashback.

[sighs]

Another vase?

[grunts]

[Sa See] Every year is the same.

Who'd be interested
in a collection of vases?

I'm twenty now,
and I've never been out of this palace.

I'm tired of these gardens and guards!

Your security is at stake.
You know this well--

Father promised me I would visit Lutetia
all its boutiques, small taverns...

I yearn to travel to Gaul!

We have spoken about this.
Such a journey is too dangerous.

The answer is no.

Here. Open this one.

A gold coin stamped with your likeness.

The first ever minted.

Will it buy a dress
in the capital of Gaul?

Sa See...

[Empress] Prince Deng Tsin Qin!

[mysterious music playing]

I'm told you have levied

a new tax over your kingdom,

whilst your people suffer famine?

If I may be so bold, your Majesty...

Julius Caesar's been taxing the heck out

of his own empire
and nobody's complaining.

Plus, where's the pleasure
without pain, as my countrymen say.

Who is this man?

This is Scar Dee Kat.
My new strategic counsellor.

He's from Rome,
where he held very high station.

Put the people of China

before the twisted schemes of a Roman.

Of course, your Imperial Majesty.

Before I withdraw,

have you given any thought
to my proposal of marriage?

Yes. The Princess and I discussed it.

And...?

We had a good laugh.

[laughter]

[Scar Dee Kat] Ah!
"He who makes woman laugh..." [laughs]

Apologies.

If your Majesty
and her daughter find it amusing,

then let it be so.

[mysterious music playing]

[Empress] Ka Ra Tay.

My faithful warrior.

Summon my daughter.

[lively music playing]

[Ekonomikrisis] Look, we are in China.

The Chinese love all things Gaul,
therefore we are Gauls,

I can't be any clearer.

To a native Phoenician,
it's humiliating, Ekonomikrisis.

The name's Ekonomikrisix!

Get it through your thick skulls!

You're Overmix, and you're Premix! Right?

And all three of us are Gauls.
"Comprendix"?

- It's always us making the effort.
- [Ekonomikrisis] Always you, huh?

- [both laughing]
- Is that funny to you?

Think that's funny? Think I'm amused?

- Being blonde?
- [Overmix] No.

So grab these papyrus sheets,
and go hand them out in town. Stat!

Go on. Yallah, I mean, get on with it.

Put your helmets on! Go!

On your way now.

China is ours, yeah?

Hey, hey, hey. What you snooping at?

What you think you're doing?
You touch, you pay. That's the rule.

Are these real Louboutix?

"Are those real Louboutix?"

Of course they're real,
have you ever seen soles like this before?

They're red-hot, and so are my prices,
so if it's too much,

go check out Cheaptrix next door.

Right, get outta my store now.

- Go on, give us some air.
- [Ekonomikrisis] Whoa!

That's a booboo. Mother of all booboos.

Please forgive him, Majesty. Forgive him.

He's my nephew.
He has the same temper as his mama.

- Right.
- That's what everybody says.

And of course, the sandals are yours.

There's no charge, I'll take it...

- Ow!
- ...out of his wages.

- I felt pain.
- You did have it coming.

Ekonomikrisix, I'm at your service.

[whispering] Nobody shakes.
Put the hand away.

- Nobody shakes.
- Nobody shakes.

This is all a terrible mistake, Princess.

Whoa. You're sublime. Um. Um... um.

I'm Bankruptix. I'm the nephew.

With my Mama's temper.

And also... her eyes.

[swooshing]

I would've loved
to have blonde hair like you.

It was never really my choice, Princess.
I was always this way.

Nature only is to blame.

[clears throat] If your imperial Majesty,

uh, could put all this behind us,

if you would consent to sample
some of our famous Gallic wines,

it would honour us greatly.

[Ekonomikrisis] Do come in.

Let's start with a superior vintage,
to honour your majestic imperiosity.

[sniffs] Its nose is fruity.

Full of sunshine.

Notes of pine and cool shade.

With a tinge of chestnut. [sniffs]

Banana too.

Dried dates, perhaps.

It's more of a fruit salad
than a... a wine, really.

WINE TASTING

[lively music playing]

I LOVE GAUL

I'll buy it all.

- Ah!
- [ding]

- [Sa See] Are these Gallic perfumes?
- Absolutely, they are indeed.

All our perfumes come from Gaul.

Like myself and my staff.

This is the latest fragrance

the ladies are crazy for in Gaul. Amphora.

Amphora.

I adore-a.

And I'm all for-a.

- [Deng Tsin Qin] Archers, fire!
- Hey, watch out!

[screaming]

- [tense music playing]
- [screaming]

Sa See, are you hurt?

No, Mother, I'm fine.

- Bankruptis, everything okay?
- Yeah, I'm all good.

I'm asking about the goods!

Cheers, mate.

[Deng Tsin Qin] Hey, Empress?

Come out with your hands up.

We wouldn't want to hurt anybody.

We got eyes on you!

Yeah, both kinds.

Yeah because...
my eyes are more like, round,

and you guys are, like uh...

Forget it.

Is there another exit?

Yes. I have a secret passage

in case of customs checks.
I mean in case of check...

checking for fires.
In case of fire. A fire exit.

Ka Ra Tay,
I entrust you my daughter. Save her!

Mother, no! You have to escape too.

The Empress does not flee. Save yourself.

The scoundrel is after you.

Let's go.

- [Bankruptis] Bye, Princess.
- Quit that. I'm gonna stay here.

A good merchant never abandons his stock.

Captain of the ship kinda thing, right?

Well, yeah.

You get to home-base,
and bring back the guys.

What? Uncle Mahmood?

Not him, not Uncle Mahmood,
this home base.

This home base?

- That's the other end of the planet!
- You should be on your way.

- [inhales, grunts]
- Hey, wait!

Keep your eyes on the Princess.
We won't lose our biggest sale ever.

Imagine. If you save
the Princess of China...

[soft music playing]

- Ah.
- Ah, yeah.

- Yeah... I'll understand on the way.
- [Ekonomikrisis] Go!

[Bankruptis] Take care, unkie.

[grunts]

[sighs]

I happen to be an amateur pugilist.

Let me deal with this.

- [lively music playing]
- So, fellas?

- Hassling ladies, are we?
- [punch landing]

[groans]

[sighs]

So I left the room, and then...

What happened?

- You got kicked in the head.
- Ah, of course!

That's what happened.

So, are we having fun yet, Empress?

Excuse me just one second,

but who on earth are you?
Because none of this makes much sense.

I'm totally lost, I'm baffled here.

- So then?
- The princess is still missing.

And if she's hiding, she's smart.

Dodging us like a sly little fishy...

Find her, offer a reward!
Tell the whole kingdom!

I want her alive!
For our beautiful forced wedding!

[laughs]

I know my daughter.

She will seek her revenge.

Now that's a scary thought.
Spoiled princess,

who's never been outside!

- That's my bride you're talking about.
- Sorry, Master.

Yeah I'm sorry too,
but tell us what's going on,

I'm so puzzled, as in totally perplexed.

I'll have you decapitated, Empress.

You'll decapitate no one.

Where's your manners?
You don't do that.

He's not wrong,
you can't be the one to kill the Empress.

[Deng Tsin Qin] Why not?

It's not that simple, because the Princes
in the other kingdoms hate your guts.

They claim you're not Emperor material,

and also, their words not mine,
you're physically ugly,

and you've got an itty-bitty little--

- Don't you dare.
- I meant army. You have a small army.

It's the smallest one out there.

If you try to beat them,
you've got zero chance.

[Deng Tsin Qin] I'm assuming you wouldn't
say this unless you had a plan?

Well assumed.

- And my idea--
- Hush!

- Right, haul them in! Let's go!
- No.

- Take it easy.
- [Deng Tsin Qin] Move!

Easy, there's an Empress here,
and the jars are breakable.

[Deng Tsin Qin] China is ours!

- [evil laughter]
- [emotional music playing]

[sobbing]

[Bankruptis] It's gonna be fine, Princess.

And you can count on me. Okay? You and me.

- [mutters in pain]
- [bones cracking]

[Bankruptis] Don't worry. We'll help you!

Because it's a known fact,

us Gauls, we just love helping others.

No!

No, no, no and no!

[Vitalstatistix] Out of the question!

Dunno about you, but I found
this story extremely long-winded.

And frankly, by Belenus, why does everyone
always have to come to us for support?

Hold on now, Vitalstatistix,

it's a tradition.

We provide assistance
to those who need it.

Including our good friend Bank...

- Ruptis.
- ...Ruptis.

- Ruptix.
- Right, well... it's a no, that's it.

It's often been yes.
But this time, it's no.

[Vitalstatistix] I've got a bad feeling.
China's far away, we've never been!

Nor our forefathers!
Where it is, we don't know.

Sure we do, come on.

Yeah, even I know where it is.

It's over yonder.
Where the sun rises, huh?

[Obélix] He doesn't even know that?
[laughs]

I'm not sure where it is and I'm the boss.

Oh Chief, I respect your decision.

I will take my leave now
to save my mother and homeland.

- [Bankruptis] No, no, no.
- Please wait, Princess...

Well, I could go.

As it happens, I'm free at the moment.

Well, I'm free too, at the moment.
I wouldn't mind going.

Hey, you two! Who's on the chair here?

Are you village chief now?

Alright, I've heard enough of this.

- Still no!
- Have you completely lost your mind?

Fine chief you are!

Ignoring the anguish of an innocent girl.

- Oh no, Mimenta...
- Don't Mimenta me!

- This how you welcome friends from China?
- Seriously.

[Impedimenta] Your Gaul's not pretty!
All because China is too far away?

It's not you making the trip,
so what do you care?

- [sighs]
- Am I wrong?

It's Astérix and Obélix, as usual.

[laughter]

Get this, if some idiots ever write
the story of our village,

rest assured no one'll be calling it
Adventures of Vitalstatistix the Gaul.

Even Dogmatix travels more than you!

- [laughter]
- Do you hear that, Dogmatix?

[barking]

[laughter]

Oh man. That's brutal.

Sure, when it's all about
magic potion and moustaches,

then you're on board,

but when things become delicate,
you disappear!

[grunts]

[grunt]

Okay, go ahead, go on.

- Hurray!
- [sigh of relief]

- [joyful babbling]
- Thank you. I can't thank you enough.

- [lyre]
- ♪ My dear companions as you leave ♪

[sighs]

♪ My heart must come to realise ♪

♪ It must be worn upon my sleeve... ♪

[yelps]

[epic music playing]

[narrator] Meanwhile, in the eternal,
and well-irrigated city of Rome,

we join Julius Caesar
in his magnificent palace,

revelling in domestic bliss
with the powerful Queen of Egypt,

the gorgeous, mild-mannered Cleopatra.

[Cleopatra] I have had it!
You hear me? I have had it!

Pray tell what all this is about?

I'm packing all my things
and going back home.

I should have listened to Mummy.

Now that we're over, I can say it.

- There is someone else.
- Someone else?

[gasps]

[Caesar] You can't be serious!

What do you mean, there's someone else?

What do you mean?
Is this about Infidelitatis?

That is right.

And...

and for whom
would you leave the Great Caesar?

Tabascos!

- [Greek music playing]
- [Caesar] Tabascos?

The Greek guy?

[laughter]

Tabascos, the Greek.

So you would be prepared
to leave the Great Caesar...

for the pecs of a common gym teacher?

Very well, we'll see about that
after the lions.

Don't you dare whack my Tabascos!

I love him, you understand?

What... What's that, you love him?

What do you mean, you love him?

What could he possibly have
that I don't, huh?

He is a world-famous athlete.

As for you, outside of Rome and Gaul,
nobody knows you.

Oof.

[laughs]

Priceless! Nobody knows Julius Caesar?

Well, go ahead.

Follow your international ambitions
with your athlete.

- [in Greek] Let the Greek tsat your ziki!
- [gasps]

- [clears throat]
- [Caesar in English] Yes...

Uh, if I may, oh Caesar?

Minor marital strife, but it's settled.

So speak, Slius Foxxus,
devious, homely advisor of mine.

[Slius Foxxus] Hail, Caesar!
You are quite observant, you've nailed me.

May I introduce Scar Dee Kat
the ambassador of Prince Deng Tsin Qin,

the new master of China.

How is it that an empire so large
has a representative so puny?

Yeah, well, because it's not the size
that counts but the know-how, oh Caesar.

And some men have neither!

[she laughs]

[whispering] She's a beaut!

What brings you, puny?

Oh Caesar, I have come to offer you
the great riches

of my adopted homeland

in exchange for modest military aid.

[scoffs] Even the great Alexander
gave up on conquering China.

It's the perfect chance
to expand my empire...

Your empire, oh Caesar.

But I've had it with conquering,

and my name in history
has already been forever immortalised.

I love it when you talk like that.
I adore it!

So well spoken.

- Well spoken, eh?
- Biopix, my biographer from Galicia.

[Slius Foxxus] The stupendous
accomplishments of mighty Caesar,

what better story to tell?

Enough. Begone, the two of you.

Oh Caesar, since you wish
to go down in history, you must be aware

that in China, you are less than a star.

What did I say? [laughs]

I'm getting good and fed up now!

I, Caesar, man of a thousand conquests,

and no one even knows me?

- Alas.
- [laughs]

["Le Diro Parole Blu" playing]

[Scar Dee Kat] He speaks the truth.

In China, at least.

Go to your happy place, okay? Happy.

Very well, Scar Dee Kat,

step forward and describe this alliance

- and this empire...
- [door slams]

...that's about to see how great I am!

[Cleopatra laughs]

Explain your plan to me,
and remember, this Caesar's seasoned.

[laughs]

[light-hearted music playing]

Alright, so I replaced your buggy
'cause you need something sturdy, right?

This here's a ride. The best around,
on loan from Cousin Turbo.

- I pimped it with boar bellies.
- Wow.

That's right.
Shock-absorbing air cushions, like.

And...

the sun roof.

Awesome. [exhales]

Let me tell you. It's the perfect chariot.

It's magnificent.

Right, let's go.

[Astérix] Down you get.
Princess, care to board the chariot?

[sighs] Ah, tough bananas, thank you.

Ah... We're in for a great trip, Princess.

Astérix, I've prepared you
some magic potion.

But since Obélix mentioned
you didn't want it, I wasn't so sure.

No, I'm just... I'm just fine.

I... Well...

No harm having it just in case,
I guess, but...

I'd like to cut down some.

Alright, then be careful
because I beefed it up good.

[sneezes]

[whizzing, sizzling]

[crowd laughing]

You sampled it?

No, I, uh, took a sip, a tiny sip.
Had to taste.

- You know, it's...
- [Astérix] Yeah, right.

Good luck, Princess!

As for you two,

be brave, be reckless,

and completely disingenuous.
In short, just be Gauls.

[cheering]

Hang on tight, you lot!

Oh, we didn't tell you,
it's a much faster return trip.

[Bankruptis mocks him]
"Faster return trip"... [sighs]

Excuse me, but, uh, I wish to point out

that the role of a bard is to celebrate
our heroes and their exploits... Right?

So what is my purpose,
if I don't ever get to travel, eh?

- He's got a point.
- Go on, go on, go on.

- Excellent idea
- No, no, no, go. Fast.

Cacophonix will travel with you...

- [coughing]
- [Cacofonix sighs]

Oh no. They forgot me!

[all] Oh.

- ♪ They forgot me! ♪
- [lyre]

[sings high-pitched note]

[moans]

ARMORICA

[narrator] And so our friends set off
at high speed toward the South,

favouring the maritime course which,
according to Getafix,

is faster than the Silk Road.

After rowing across the Mediterranean,
thanks to Obélix,

they reach northern Africa.

Friction and wring.

I don't know how.
I was supposed to learn Kung Fu.

Friction.

And wring.

[Astérix sighs]

Oh, uh, It's happening again.

[breathes erratically]

Astérix? Enjoying the view?

Want some barley beer? A chair?

Be right back! Coming right up.

Nothing's coming right up!
What are you playing at?

The same thing as you.

Does she know that you spy on her?
Well, maybe I'll tell her.

She's magnificent.

[Astérix] She's learning to launder
'cause she knows

her routine
will be rougher in Gaul with me, hmm?

- She's preparing for her new life.
- [laughs]

The Princess of China, in Gaul?
Living with peasants?

[scoffs] Really?

What part of, "Sa See and I are an item,"
do you not get the meaning of?

- You're not an item.
- We are so an item.

Going on six months.

- You are?
- Oh, gimme a break!

I'll make this really simple for you.

Sa See and I are together.
We're in love, we're getting married.

Oh! Congratulations, Bankruptis.

- Many thanks, Obélix.
- I just love weddings.

I do. With a banquet?

With a banquet, and you know what Obélix?
You'll be best man.

Oh! Gee, thank you!
I've never been a best man before.

Now, Obélix, would you, please,
not swallow any old story,

it's intensely aggravating.

If they're in love,
they're in love, it's not my fault.

- It's so obvious.
- They are not in love.

And until she's with somebody,
she's not with anyone.

[Astérix] May the best man win.

I just can't wait to see her face
when I'm gonna tell her,

you're just posing as a Gaul.
And you're a fake blonde.

Oh yeah? Well, I also can't wait
to see her face,

when I tell her your moustache is all...

Yeah, well, what about my moustache?

- Your moustache.
- Yeah? Yeah?

It's really horrible.

Oh no.

So rude.

Yeah. So there.

- That was uncalled for.
- Not the moustache. Come on.

I shouldn't have,
but he shouldn't have pushed it.

[Obélix] Moustache is off limits.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [Bankruptis] What's he doing?

- Might be.
- Dobbing us in. He's spilling the beans!

And he's supposed to be your friend?

Oh, let's leave. Let's go.

- [both scream]
- What are you doing?

We're doing nothing. Actually, yes,
we were looking for a... a date! Is all.

- For the wedding.
- Yeah. No. We want to eat the fruit.

- To eat the fruit.
- At the wedding.

[Bankruptis] No. To eat it here.

- I'm the best man.
- Ah... This is impossible.

This guy's on a loop.

- Right, we're off. Pardon me.
- [comical music playing]

[whispering] Did you not
get the "shut up" memo?

Goodnight, Mr. Know-It-All!

Goodnight,
Mr. I-Got-A-New-Best-Friend.

Goodnight, Mr. Vegetables!

[mocking]
Oh, love those vegetables! Yummy!

Goodnight, Mr. Wannabe-A-Blonde.

Goodnight, Mr.--

[Ka Ra Tay]
Just say goodnight and be done!

Mm.

He started it. He did.

[Obélix] Good night, Ka Ra Tay.

[sighs]

[whispering] Ka Ra Tay.

Do you believe
that my mother's still alive?

The Empress is heir
to the Heavens, Princess.

Nothing bad can become of her.

Goodnight, Mr. "I'm in love
with someone and I can't even tell her."

Goodnight, Mr. "I make no sense and
I'm so huge no one can see past my belly."

Goodnight, Mr. "I sleep alone like I'm
an itsy-bitsy insect, like this big."

- Oh!
- That's enough!

[Obélix] Yep.
[Astérix] Got it. Sorry.

[mysterious music playing]

Well, hello!

How you feeling? Did you have a good trip?

Your daughter remains missing.
We've searched too long,

and the country is too vast.

And good morning.
There's two of us in the room.

- Who are you again?
- The minute my allies are here,

I'll have you decapitated.

There you go, I'm good.
You had me at decapitated.

You're the guy who enjoys decapitations.

And you too, merchant.

Not me, I've got nothing to do with this.

- I'll give you some advice, though...
- Your balls are on the line.

[dramatic music playing]

Day one.

At the end of the abacus,
if the Princess hasn't been captured,

the two of you...

We have two lives.

The second one begins
when we realise we have only one.

I thank you for that.

Wow!

Ah, now, there is a real Empress.
That's so good.

"We have two lives,
and it's finished when you...

And your second one begins
when the first, uh... the first life...

of which we only have two.

And only when they begin do we...
Thank you for that.

The first life begins...

[narrator] Meanwhile, Caesar,
his powerful army, and Scar Dee Kat

have taken the Silk Road,

and are hurtling towards China
at breakneck speed.

Well, sort of.

[shouting]

[soldier 1] Silk Road, Schmilk Road!

You got us good and lost!
You just won't admit it.

[soldier 2] Woopsus!
Where are you taking us?

At least nine thousand men
have wandered North!

I'm not gonna take it anymore!

I can't work like this!

[soldier 1] Join the Army, they said.

- [military snare playing]
- [thunder rumbling]

[Caesar] Woopsus,
do we go around left or right?

[Woopsus] That's a no-brainus,
we should go left.

Ergo, we will go right.

Excuse me,

how long's all this left-right-left stuff
gonna last?

'Cause at this rate,
we'll never get to China.

Who does this man think he is?

[Risklus] Hail, Caesar.
Risklus, secret service.

Hail, Caesar. Risklus, secret service.

Yes, we know. Everyone knows you.
Why are you here? And where is Antivirus?

Still on the front line in Milan.
I don't think he's opening my pigeons.

[sighs]

But, Caesar, I am here.

Not as impressive.

Not as impressive at all.

[Caesar] Right. What do you want?

Oh mighty Caesar, Carioca,
your chief dancer, requests a hearing.

Uh, she got all sorts of claims
for respect and all that.

Should I just slug her?

What's wrong with you?

- [Caesar] Show her in.
- Huh!

Oy! Uh, Tapioca!

[off-key horn playing]

So, Carioca. What can I do for you?

Oh Caesar, we just received
our new costumes. And guess what?

Shorter than ever. I wonder why.

If what you wanted was go-go taverns,

you should've stayed in Rome,
plenty there.

Ooh, wouldn't know, I do apologise.

Oh, you do!
The Palladium, behind the market.

By the Circus,
between Sternum's and Scrotum's.

Right.

Is that what you want, Carioca?
Knee-length costumes for your dancers?

For a start.
Plus, moving forward, we could discuss

the issue of the place of women
in our society, pretty long overdue.

Look, it's all about the men,
around here. Right?

Gladiators? All men.

Senators? All of them, men.
Your legions, of course, are all male.

And Caesars?

- [Carioca] Nothing but males!
- So a Juliet Caesar'd be better?

[laughter]

You want Rome
to be ruled over by a female?

[all laughing]

That's right.

[narrator] Back to our friends,

who have crossed
the vast Egyptian deserts,

under the scorching sun,

finally reaching the Red Sea,
and the city of Clysma,

a small Egyptian harbour
later to be known as Suez.

Yeah, as in the Suez Canal.

[Bankruptis]
If it's a captain we're after,

I guarantee we'll find one here.

[Obélix] Oh, look Astérix,
the tavern's named after Lutetia, in Gaul!

[Tipsy in French] ♪ Dare to come
And cast the first stone ♪

♪ To fall for one head over heels ♪

♪ Leaves a wound that never heals ♪

♪ But the love you feel is the real deal ♪

- ♪ So don't be harsh or disapprove ♪
- [Astérix and Bankruptis sing]

♪ When a woman ♪

- ♪ Falls in love ♪
- No.

Nope. You don't know it.

I do know it, pal.

[Tipsy, Bankruptis, Astérix]
♪ With a man who sweeps her off her feet ♪

Wow!

- [cheering]
- [Bankruptis in English] Wow, bravo!

See that? That's Gaul right there.

I just love it here!

That's exactly my idea
of what Lutetia'd be like!

[man] Tipsy! Tipsy!

Mine too.

[Obélix gasps]

Oh, this is good. So good!
I bet you're a Gaul.

Oh, yeah, big boy. Born and bred.

- Have you been here a long time?
- Been a while, I'd say.

Used to run a small cabaret in Lutetia.
Turned a good profit, packed every night.

But I fell for the wrong sort of guy.

Some little punk
wanted me to hustle for him.

What he really wanted was
to gouge me outta my business.

So who took her loot
and flew the coop all the way out here?

Tipsy, baby! That's right!

What about you blondies?
What brought you here?

We're after the best captain in town.

Oh! That guy over there, that's Titanix.

Is he tough?

Titanix?
The guy's a champ, hook, line and sinker!

- Hmm. Thanks for the tip, Tipsy.
- From one Gaul to another!

Normally we keep mutts outside.

But I like the look of you.

[reggae music playing]

We want to charter a boat to China.

To China, on a boat?
I can't be bothered with that.

[Titanix] What I can offer is this.

Day tour of the Creeks of Clysma.
All the kebabs you can eat, beaches,

- great sunsets...
- [ding]

Super package.

Well, I mean not for now. For later.

This gem is worth more than your boat.

Perfect, why didn't you start with that?

- Hey, what's--
- [Tipsy] You out of your minds?

Think I came this far
for you to shake me down ?

Now take a hike before I get my whip!

Looks like Tipsy's coming up
to her tipping point.

- What's the trouble, Tipsy?
- These gentlemen wanna raid my pockets.

I'm gonna give them
a taste of their own medicine!

- Nobody messes with Tipsy!
- [tutting]

Might you be a bit light-weight
for all this?

What do you want with the lady?

Who's the lightweight?

[laughing]

[laughs] He's funny.

You know, Princess, in Gaul,

when three-hundred pound guys
say certain things,

the feather weights don't buy it!

- [tense music playing]
- [groans]

[clears throat] Hmm...

[tutting]

Mm-hmm. Mm.

- Mm.
- [sighs]

[gulping]

[grunts]

[lively music playing]

[grunts, makes animal sounds]

[shouts]

Whoa, it's a lizard!

[trumpeting]

Whoa.

What's happening here?

[music intensifies]

[shouts]

[crowd gasps]

This is potent stuff.
He went overboard on this one.

Hey, hey! Come on, give me a taste.

- [Obélix] We won't tell anyone.
- This one even less.

[panting, coughing]

[Astérix] You get one. Take your pick.

I'll take the big one, then.

- [comical music playing]
- [sighs]

Gentlemen.

[laughs]

[scattered gasps]

I'm not allowed to drink any 'cause
I fell in the cauldron when I was a kid.

So this won't hurt as much.

[screams]

[epic music playing]

[Bankruptis] So imagine this. A mini
amphora with two little wings painted on.

Inside, we put a tiny drop
of magic potion,

just enough to give you a good boost.

We sell the beverage as a power drink...

I'm still working on the concept
but I will come up with a name.

In Rome, with all the orgies,

youngsters dancing till the break of dawn,

we'd make a killing.

[Titanix] Well, I'm your man
for all things transport.

- What's that you're doing?
- It is Tai Chi.

An ancient Chinese technique
to recharge the body's energy.

It's wild that we should meet now.

My life's just taken a new direction
that's totally in step with your culture.

Balance, nutrition, energy,
all that good stuff, you know.

I can tell we're really connected.

Hmm...

[heavy breathing]

- You finished?
- Now we meditate.

- Yeah!
- No speaking.

[whispering] That coin is something else.

That's you?

Yeah. A gift from my mother.

She must love you so much.

[sad music playing]

When she gave it to me,
I didn't even smile.

You need not worry, Princess.

I will free your mother, trust me.

I am here for you.

Excuse me, if I may,

for starters, we are here for you!
And some of us showed up, for you

right at the beginning of the adventure.

Sorry, excuse me.

Princess...

[vamping music playing]

[Ekonomikrisis] What are you doing?
No, you moved two balls.

- No.
- Put one back. Yeah, you did.

You moved two balls, put one back.
Don't you go pushing my balls.

Not that I'm not loving this place.

[laughs] I mean... Speaking of which,
did you put any thought towards

my proposition?

This one is gonna be a toughie.

Having said that,
I'm used to tough negotiations!

- Ekonomikrisis?
- Yeah?

If one day we get out,

would you like to continue
doing business in China?

- Oh yes! Very much!
- Then talk no more.

You've been placed
in my cell to torture me.

Well that's putting it strongly.

Maybe it's just...

destiny that chose us.

The "Maktub" as we say at home.

You are beautiful
when you're angry, you know.

- [dramatic music playing]
- [sighs]

[panting]

[captain] Ah!

[grunts]

Oh boy!

[sighs]

Gentlemen, here on the Red Sea,
we're done with bad encounters.

Who's the predator out here? Eh?

- [all] We are!
- [captain] That's right!

- [laughs]
- [crew member whistling]

Ship ahoy!

Many thanks, lookout!

- Doing my job!
- Lads,

this lavish ship will not escape us.

Tonight we sleep in silk.

[cheering]

[captain laughing]

[stutters] It's the Gau... It's the Gau...

- The Gauls are here?
- It's the Gauls!

[lively music playing]

Yoo-hoo!

Hello, little pirates!

No, no, no, no...

Not the Gauls!

- [captain] Why's it always land on us?
- [cries]

We're not the only ones on the water!

[captain] Morning.

Would you consider pretending
you never saw us?

But we did see you, though.

Can't argue with that.

[sighs] Prepare our defences! Go, go, go!

[captain] To think I just had
the paint redone.

Go easy, will you?

[both chuckle]

- It's not like I'm happy about it.
- Pff, whatever.

No, no, you wait!

I'll show you how we rumble in my country.

Hmm?

[lively music playing]

Uh, what should we do, Captain?

- Well, uh...
- Got a bad feeling personally.

We're still doing this. Prepare to attack.

No, stop that! No, back you go!

Michael, get back there.
Michael, no. Michael?

[grunting]

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, that one's gotta really hurt.

[shouts]

She got how many feet?

Lads, let me through, please?

I'm really sorry, Captain.

- Where you goin'?
- My heart will go on!

- [captain] No!
- [screams]

Look out behind you!

[captain] Oh no!

Hey, calm yourself down, you psycho!

[water gurgling]

♪ Say you, say me ♪

♪ Say it for always ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

♪ Say you, say me ♪

♪ Say it together ♪

♪ Naturally ♪

[captain] Comrades,
the official version of the shipwreck is,

we ran into a Chinese tornado. [sighs]

[melancholy music playing]

Uh, may I?

Yes.

[Obélix] Beautiful, isn't it?

I wanted to say,

you fight really well.

Thank you.

And why is it that you never drink
any potion?

Well, I'm not allowed.

It might be dangerous. One does too many.

Must admit I would've loved
to feel that rush just one more time.

- [sighs]
- [soft music playing]

[mysterious music playing]

[fizzing, sizzling]

[wolf howling]

[soft music playing]

[laughs]

[Obélix] Wow!

[sighs]

- [yells]
- [fizzing, sizzling]

Obélix?

[explosion booming]

Mama!

The feeling's extraordinary.

Like you're fizzy in the head,

then in your whole body. It's a bit like
when you fall in love, or so they say.

[clears throat]

[soft music playing]

[laughs]

[military snare playing]

[narrator] Having at last found their way,

Caesar and his mighty legions
have crossed Persia,

the mountains of India,
the Mongolian steppes,

and have finally reached
the gates of China,

where the despicable Deng Tsin Qin
is honing his evil plan

to control the Six Kingdoms.

[off-key horn playing]

Hail, hail.

- So this here is the war?
- Prince Deng Tsin Qin,

allow me to introduce...

Julius Caesar. Himself.

I know you're impressed,
keep calm and breathe deeply.

Everything's gonna be fine.
So where are these rebels?

I'm told you're having a tough time
keeping them in line?

War isn't a hobby, you know.

You're well advised to bring in the pros.

Bit of a mess, this is, don't you think?

Oh no. We follow the precepts of Sun Tzu,
the great Chinese strategist.

He wrote the Art of War, you know.

Fart of war, more like.

[Caesar and Biopix laugh]

All right, kiddos, keep your eyes open,

'cause this is gonna be over
in a heartbeat. Huh?

Here goes.

- [in Latin] If you want peace...
- Prepare for war.

- [Caesar in English] Exactly.
- [scribe tapping]

- He's insufferable.
- He's deeply ill.

And pretentious, first decan cancers,
heads are up their butts.

Huh?

I'm disappointed.
I'm going to bed, I'm jet lagged.

[sighs]

[dramatic music playing]

- [Caesar] Biopix!
- Mm?

New chapter. After "Caesar The Seducer,"

"Caesar The Strategist."

Hold on, I change the scrolls
and I'm right with you.

- [Caesar] Helmet.
- Gallopus!

[hooves sounds]

[music builds]

Gladius.

[music stops]

The heck is this?

- Last time, you did hurt yourself with--
- Right, I get it, I get it!

Has anyone heard from Antivirus?

He's here, and ready, mighty Caesar.

[Caesar] Let's do this.

[to the rhythm of "We Will Rock You"]

Everyone!

[all] ♪ Anti, Antivirus! ♪

Ooh, goosebumps.

And me.

[all] ♪ Anti, Antivirus! ♪

[battle cries]

["Anti, Antivirus"
to the rhythm of "We Will Rock You"]

[grunts]

[clanging]

[battle cries]

CHINA SEA

[groans]

[shouts]

[all] ♪ Anti, Antivirus! ♪

[all] ♪ Anti, Antivirus! ♪

Antivirus, I love you!

♪ Anti, Antivirus! ♪

[screams]

♪ Anti, Antivirus! ♪

[moans]

Antivirus, you wanna go viral,

but don't push it,
that was hard on my back.

You wanted Antivirus,

I gave you Antivirus.

And now, go back to your circus games.

[cheering]

Why speak words, when you can fly?

[mystical music playing]

[cheering]

[Caesar] A walk in the park!

In a matter of days,
I shall be the master of China.

I'm almost envious of you guys,
experiencing for the first time

the power of Rome.

Veni, vidi, vici.

- [Caesar laughs]
- This is such great stuff, Caesar!

I write it down as is, no changes.

- Seating sucks. We gonna eat like this?
- Yeah.

- Terrible hosts.
- Right.

[grunts]

And Antivirus? He's not coming?

He's asleep.

- What do you mean, he's asleep?
- I'm here, oh Caesar.

- Not as impressive.
- Nowhere as impressive.

Oh Caesar,
you have one last kingdom to conquer.

Likely more complicated.

Our victories have had an impact.

The Ku Koos are tough negotiators.

Very well.

We'll see who is the Ku Kooest.

[laughter]

Yeah, well, sorry not to join the fun,
but old man So Ku Koo died last winter.

Leaving his only son and heir,
Prince Ku Koo, twenty years old

concealed under a bamboo mask
due to a horrible birth defect.

- The Ku Koo Behind the Bamboo.
- [dramatic music playing]

So he gets orphaned,

gets his butt handed to him by Caesar,
not a good year for the Ku Koos.

- [laughter]
- [Caesar] Come to think of it...

you seem Ku Koo yourself, don't you?

No, I'm a Deng. Of the Deng-Bhat clan.

Yes, but...

you could be Deng' erous, couldn't you?

- Huh?
- [hand clatters]

[tense music playing]

I never really picked up on
why you would ask me to help

evict you from your own kingdom,

so what's in it for you...

Deng Tsin Qin?

You wouldn't be thinking
about a Caesarian section,

to cut me out of my end of the spoils?

Not at all. Never even crossed my mind.

Really?

It would've crossed mine. [laughs]
Wouldn't bother me in the least!

- [laughter]
- He's on a roll.

[Caesar sighs]

- Tell me, oh Caesar.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you aware that

the great Cleopatra
is highly respected here in China?

[Scar Dee Kat] True.

She's done so much for the defence
and preservation of pandas that now...

So how is she in real life?
Fun to be with?

[soft music playing]

At last, I'm back home.

Do you smell the fragrance of bamboo,
ginger and eucalypt?

Don't bother with these guys,
they wouldn't know.

But I can smell it just fine,
and... so aromatic!

[Bankruptis] Titanix!

Will you be going straight back to Egypt?

Nope. I'll keep sailing
till I return to my starting point,

so I can prove the Earth is round.

[laughter]

- [mysterious music playing]
- [chattering]

[Bankruptis] So?

- Told you we'd make it back, didn't I?
- Shh.

WANTED

Ka Ra Tay,
how will we hope to find your master here?

He'll be the one to find us.

- What was the message?
- Nothing.

Friend of yours? The bald guy?

Well, if it's nothing
why can't you tell me what it is?

My master, Sill Lee, awaits us tonight
in an inn where we will spend the night.

There you go. Just say it,
instead of acting all mysterious.

I'm not even hungry anymore!

[whines]

[Astérix] What the...

Never seen him like that.

He's probably just tired, that's all.

There's a culture shock,
it's a lot to take in.

- Do you mind if I speak candidly?
- Mm.

You and me, we're not the best of friends.
I hate you, I believe you hate me too.

Mm-hmm.

But the two of you,
things are getting very tense.

The tension's spreading
through the whole group.

- That bad?
- Yeah.

But I got something for both of you

and I'm sure it can bring some changes,
for the better.

[Astérix] Obélix. We need to talk.

[Obélix] I'm listening.

There's a beautiful story
starting between the Princess and me.

Oh?

Well, yeah.

And I believe it'd be simpler if, like...

if she were to live with us,
in the village.

Okay.

Of course, you and I have been housemates
for a long time.

Uh, but we never said it'd be forever.

And as it happens,

the hut belonged to my parents.

So, uh...

You want me to move out then?

- Yes.
- [sighs]

Oh, Astérix!
I can't tell you how relieved I am.

I wanted to leave too, but I didn't know
how to tell you, I just couldn't tell you.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

I've fallen in love too.

You're in love?

[whispering] With the beautiful Ka Ra Tay.

[laughs]

With Ka Ra Tay?

Our Ka Ra Tay? You gotta be joking?

Obélix? Ka Ra Tay?

- [laughing]
- Why are you laughing?

- Because I'm surprised.
- You're surprised 'cause I'm in love?

Come on, Oby...

Don't Oby me. There's no more Oby!

What's so funny?

I'm not allowed to fall in love?
I'm not allowed anything!

What a joke! It's all about you anyway!

- It is not all about me!
- It is about you!

- No!
- [barking]

Obélix can't have any magic potion.
Obélix better not fall in love...

Oh, poor Obélix,
who's been deprived of magic potion.

Oh, poor Obélix!

I don't even get the privilege of roasting
my wild boars in my own fireplace!

Except it's not my own fireplace
'cause Astérix's parents built it!

- Which they did.
- Astérix wants me to eat fruit and veg!

And why do I want us to eat fruits
and vegetables?

For you! For you to eat better.

Do not say the word. Don't say that word!

- Because you are so fat!
- No!

I am simply voluptuous!

But there is more. I'm strong.

There we are! You said it!

You think it's easy for me
to be so feeble?

To rely on a flask all the time?

Serves you right! There!

I've said it. Done.

[clinking]

Needles performing so well,
releasing tension!

They make words come out, good!

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, Romans!
- No, Obélix.

[sighs] What now?

We cannot compromise the Princess.

[Astérix] What's Caesar doing in China?

Deng Tsin Qin the treacherous
sold us to the Romans.

[mercenary] Informative news break!

People of China!

Prince Deng Tsin Qin and Julius Caesar

are delighted to announce
that the former Empress

will be publicly executed.

[ominous music playing]

The decapitation is scheduled
seven days from now at dusk.

An all-you-can-eat wok will follow.

Due to limited seating,
advance booking is advised.

I wasn't briefed, were you?

- You missed the memo?
- Must've.

- You're not on the forum?
- I'm never included, Carlitus.

I am Princess Sa See!
No one touches the heir to the Heavens,

Her Majesty the Empress, my mother!

- After them!
- [panicked cries]

Good doggie.

Let's get to it.

Whoever touches
a hair of my beloved fiancée,

I will treat very badly.

Did I really just say that?

[swords being drawn]

Ah, hold on. Time out. Just a second.

I'll be right back. Just give me a second.

[sighs] Getting painful.

- [mysterious music playing]
- [animal sounds]

Sorry.

- Can we get on with it now?
- Yeah, just went to the toilet.

- Yeah, right.
- We know what you were doing. Yeah.

[tense music playing]

[battle cries]

[Obélix] Romie!

[crashing]

[battle cries]

And wring!

[epic music playing]

[tense music playing]

[grunts]

Now that's strange.

- [battle cries]
- ["Kung Fu Fighting" playing]

[screams]

And my acupuncturist told me
to take it easy for two days.

Considering what they pay us...

- Can we pretend we didn't see each other?
- Mum's the word.

♪ There were funky China men
From funky Chinatown ♪

[shouts]

♪ They were chopping them up
They were chopping them down ♪

♪ It's an ancient Chinese art ♪

♪ And everybody knew their part ♪

♪ From a feint into a slip ♪

♪ And a kicking from the hip ♪

♪ Everybody was kung fu fighting ♪

♪ Those cats were fast as lightning ♪

♪ In fact
It was a little bit frightening ♪

♪ But they fought with expert timing ♪

♪ There was funky Billy Chin
And little Sammy Chung ♪

[music stops]

[whistling]

[shouting]

Hey, see how far I flung that one?

That was so cool! What can I say?
You're the best, Obélix.

- Oh!
- [Bankruptis] What's that?

[both] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

- We're so tight, aren't we!
- Let's go, it's not safe to stick around.

[mocking] Let's go Princess,
it's not safe to stick around. Pff.

- Something wrong?
- Mm.

You tell me. You still feeling the potion?

Dunno, wanna find out, do you?

- We'll see about that later.
- Sure, anytime.

- Boo!
- Eh!

[military music playing]

Halt!

[repetitive grunting]

THE ORIGINAL 2CV HORSEPOWER

SOAPS BY CLEO

[cat calling]

Who dares to whistle?

[tense music playing]

[whispering] Hard to swallow.

[military music playing]

[Caesar] I go off to war,

risk my life, nothing from her.

No messenger, no news,
no papyrus-card, not even a pigeon.

Ah, you need to get a hold of yourself.

You were being so strong,
bristling with rage,

but now I see nothing.

[Risklus] He's right.

Did you send her a message?

No! We said, enough of the messages.

We're stone-wall marble,
we give her nothing.

We let her soak in her marinade,
like octopus.

Hey, Dainty, better tone it down.

What's that you say, Señor Grunt?

Infamous Risklus, how about
"Witless," with a head like an aqueduct?

You think you're Antivirus, don't you?
You couldn't even shine his sandals.

Así que callate la boca!

[Biopix] Caesar.

Tell me who wears the toga in the palace.
Eh? Who's the boss?

- I am.
- Anyone hear that?

Who's the boss at home?

[sighs] I'm the boss.

There you are.

Now you're talking. That is our Caesar.
That's our champion. Numero uno!

So if there's a message you gotta send,

just tell her to pack
her bags and all that,

and take herself right back to Egypt,
show her profile or whatever, she is out.

Fair enough. Write.

- Ah!
- [soft music playing]

[sighs]

"Cleo..." No. "Cleopatra."

I like that.

"When I get to Rome,

I want to find my palace free
of your sarcophago-whatchamacallit."

"Starting from today,
you'll know who wears the toga at home."

[Biopix] There you go.

"You've been told. Hail me."

[Biopix] That's better.

That's my sizzling Caesar,
that was masterly.

Ah! Queen of Egypt.

- Queen of Doofus-land.
- [lively music playing]

[laughs] ♪ And where did they go... ♪

♪ Where did they go, down to Egypt land ♪

- Hit Send.
- Sí.

[cooing]

Pigeon... Pidgie-widgie...

Oh! [laughs]

[in Galician] A bunny!

[in English] Oh, there's a big one.

[in Galician] A raccoon.

- [comical music playing]
- [bleating]

[laughs]

A goat! [cooing]

[cooing]

Come on, sweetie.

[swooshing]

[notification chimes]

[cooing, vibrating]

[in English] Huh, it's Cleopatra.

- Already?
- [pigeon coos and vibrates]

- Well, get to it!
- Huh?

[mumbles]

[Caesar] I don't understand.

- Eh?
- What did she say?

Uh...

"I would like to apologise
for the attitude I had."

"I went too far."

You can say that again. Uh...

"Four long months have passed,
and all I dream of is to see your face."

"I'm waiting in Rome.
Come back as soon as you can."

"Your loving Cleo-babe."

Hey. You gotta stop that pigeon.
The pigeon!

- [Caesar] Cancel the pigeon. Quick!
- There's no cancelling a homing pigeon.

Once you sent it, it's sent.
Should I slug him?

Everybody out!

I said everybody.

- ["Le Diro Parole Blu" playing]
- [gasps]

[cooing]

[Cleopatra laughs]

[pigeon farts]

[grunts]

[sobs]

Cleo...

[door creaking]

Hey! Anyone peckish? They left some fruit.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

Those are offerings.

- Oh, pardon me. Wasn't aware.
- [knock on door]

- Shh.
- [tense music playing]

I got this. Sir, you shouldn't stay here.
Here you go, good night,

and good luck.

Never mind, just a beggar.

[mystical music playing]

Master Sill Lee.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Whoa, I am so terribly sorry,

Mr. Master, I thought...

Master Sill Lee is a hermit
who devoted his life to meditation.

He took a vow of absolute poverty.

Oh wow, bravo for your sacrifice,
it's mind-blowing.

If it was me, I would cave on day one.
So, could you...

If you'd be so kind,
I'll just get my coin.

Try to take the coin back out of my hand,

my little grasshopper.

[Bankruptis] Well, um...

That's far too easy,
seeing as you can't see.

Never assume that a man
is blind because of his lack of--

- [gasps]
- Didn't see that one coming, did you?

[laughs]

Voilà!

- It's him, he made me do it.
- Let him be!

Little grasshopper.

No, sir, I'm right here, just...

You are swift as the cobra.

Yeah, that's me.

Could we please move on
to more important things?

[mysterious music playing]

- [laughter]
- Oh, by Toutatis.

[Sill Lee] Deng Tsin Qin is spreading
terror throughout the country.

- [sizzling]
- [Sill Lee] Do not touch.

Ah. Hard to resist.

I spy an abandoned temple in the forest.

[Sill Lee] The Xuan temple.

Her Majesty the Empress
is held prisoner there.

After she is released, you will have
to hightail it as fast as you can

to the Ku Koo palace

before Caesar is able
to take possession of the last kingdom.

You are going to encounter

the hideous, the unsightly,

the monstrous crown Prince Ku Koo.

You will meet him, he's masked in bamboo.

[barks]

[mumbles]

Hey, buddy, it's not for real.

Good luck.

This is where our paths must part.

Grand Master,
uh, are you finished with the magic ball?

Yes.

[sizzling]

No!

[explosion booming]

[Bankruptis] Holy cow!

Are you happy now? You broke it.

[Astérix] He told you not to touch.

[door opens]

That is true.

- Hey!
- I told you keep your hands to yourselves!

[explosion booming]

- Why'd you touch the magic ball?
- Hmm.

[mysterious music playing]

[soldier] Have you seen Princess Sa See?
She's with two warriors and...

- [armour clattering]
- [laughter]

Princess Sa See.

Seen her? With two foreign warriors
with superhuman strength.

And a little pooch.

[barking]

I don't know what's going on. [yelps]

[centurion] What are you waiting for?
Room service? Get them!

- [Obélix] Astérix!
- What? Just run!

- Astérix!
- What?

- Why are we running?
- Why are we running?

- Because I don't wanna fight.
- But, why not?

I don't want to take the potion
in front of the Princess.

I'm sick of using a crutch!

Pfff!

Let's go, boys!
Move it, I borrowed a rickshaw.

Come on!

Speed it up!

- [Astérix] Will you hurry!
- Alright! I know!

- [Dogmatix whines]
- [sighs]

Princess...

Dawdling on purpose.

[inhales deeply]

[Dogmatix whines]

[mysterious music playing]

Ka Ra Tay.

Oh...

- Yeah.
- Can't argue with that.

[Ekonomikrisis] So...

In one more ball,
I officially consider us to be dead meat.

Which means that it's our last night...

and I was thinking that, uh,

perhaps... maybe as a memento...

- Your Majesty!
- Ah! Oh! Whoa!

She freaked me out.

Your Majesty,
we're going to get you out of here.

Who is she?

- Stand back!
- Okay, stand back.

[Obélix] Ka Ra Tay!

[Astérix] Are you done?

Forgive me.

[rumbling]

[dramatic music playing]

You may rise.

We must go.

Jump. They'll catch you at the bottom.

What? Jump? Are you bonkers?
No way am I leaving now.

You want me to quit a negotiation?
I've never done that in my life.

I'm about two balls away
from breaking the guy.

So you go on without me,
I'll just, uh, join you later.

Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Very well.

As you wish.

Take care of yourself.

And don't lose your head.

Ah! Look who's worried about me now!

You know what?

You're even more beautiful
when you smile than when you're upset.

Whoa, she's impressive, yeah.

- [grunts]
- Thank you.

Mother.

What joy to see you.

- Wow.
- I'm right...

here.

- [guard] Alert! Prisoners have escaped!
- Quick, let's go!

[arrows whistling]

[heavy breathing]

[Bankruptis] Where do I go?

[Astérix] Shh!

Wait a sec.

- We lost them. I think we're safe.
- Gaulish friends, thank you for your help.

- It's our pleasure, Your Majesty.
- Majesty. [clears throat]

Okay, I guess I'll just do this myself.

Bankruptis.

You may remember
that we met at the market.

That's right. [laughs]

Life is just a barrel of surprises.

Not the best attention span in the world.

Sa See, you must leave with our friends,
join the Ku Koos and secure their support.

I will attempt to rally our own army
and our followers.

Ka Ra Tay, come with me.

I will strive to be worthy, Mother.
I'll make you proud of me.

You've already made me proud.

[Empress] Let us go, Ka Ra Tay.

[both giggling]

That won't end well.

- [laughs]
- [grunts]

[soft music playing]

Ka Ra Tay.

Ka Ra Tay has fallen for Obélix.

And Obélix for her.

There's a bit too much falling,
don't you think, in this adventure.

Right, let's get moving.

Obélix, are you coming?

[soft music playing]

- [Caesar] What kind of booze is this?
- [Deng Tsin Qin] It's rice wine.

You're not the most refined people
in the world, hmm?

It's not for the weak,
but it does grow on you.

It's relaxing.

Rice is nice.

I should bring some home,

it'd make arguing
with the missus more fun.

You know,

it's in moments like this one...

[sighs]

...that I most miss her.

What's that music?

Is that a band?

Four guys and a singer.

- You take musicians wherever you go?
- Yeah.

It's convenient.

I play all my favourite tunes on the move.

- Do you know this one?
- Everyone knows this one.

That... That's music, right there.

A step up from your,
"Ting-tong-tong, tipiting-Tong-Tong."

[sighs]

Amore.

Whoa! Hey, what's that for?

- I thought you were my wife.
- No, I'm nobody's wife.

[Caesar] You know what?

That booze of yours
made me feel alive again.

I'm feeling like...
the new emperor of China.

When she sees that, your friend Cleo,
it's gonna blow her little mind.

Tomorrow at dawn,
the Ku Koos' clocks will be wound!

[sighs]

Wow...

[epic music playing]

[Astérix] Obélix, slow down,
we're getting off soon.

- [Sa See] Yes, it's the next exit.
- [tyres screeching]

[narrator] Once again, thanks to Obélix,

our friends beat Caesar's legions
to the Palace of Prince Ku Koo,

the Man in the Bamboo Mask,

if you've been following.

I am To Fu,

advisor to the prince-regent Ku Koo.

Can you now prove

you are not trying to impersonate
the princess of China?

You have my word.
I'm the daughter of the Empress.

I'm sorry, but just your word
means nothing to me.

- [heavy breathing]
- You could be a spy,

bought and paid for by Deng Tsin Qin!

[both] Uh? No.

Show him the coin.

[dramatic music playing]

Will this coin finally make you kneel
before your Empress's daughter?

Oh.

[To Fu] My grovelling apologies,
Princess Sa See.

We had to be cautious.

His Highness, the Prince Ku Koo!

[groaning]

[tense music playing]

[Obélix mumbles]

[Bankruptis] What you doing? Obélix!

Turn around and look at him.

You're being rude, this is his place.

[Obélix trembles]

♪ Say you, say me ♪

♪ Say it for always ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

Princess Sa See,

I am Prince Ku Koo,
my army is at your service.

We rally behind your mother, our Empress.

Uh... I, um...

Thank you, um,
I'm sorry, I'm at a loss for words.

[Ku Koo] That's my fault.
My cursed hair must frighten you.

Oh no, not at all.
It suits you beautifully.

You're the first person
who's ever said that.

You're the first person
I've wanted to say it to.

♪ When you feel you lost your way ♪

♪ You got someone there to say ♪

♪ I'll show you ♪

♪ Say you, say me... ♪

Somebody's wigging out.

All those months of effort, for nothing.

And just like that.
Dumped into the friend zone.

Princess, can we go now?

Is there a Kingdom to save or not?

♪ Say it together ♪

♪ Naturally ♪

[dramatic music playing]

Typically Ku Koo
to build your palace in a basin.

Oh, cornered!

Surrounded by Caesar. Shouldn't take long.

Surrender unto Caesar.
Here goes nothing then.

I am Princess Sa See.

Submit to the power
of the One Empress of China.

[laughter]

Sa See, my darling,
now we can get married!

Over my dead body.
You'll regret your actions, Deng Tsin Qin.

Seems a difficult sell.

Pretty unlikely, I won't lie.

- I have a question for you, Princess.
- There you go.

How many troops you got?

Ten thousand.

No, I'm just saying, 'cause...
I've come with eighty thousand men here!

[cheering]

The power of experience, simply put.
Can't help it. I've never lost.

Ha, you're marvellous.

It would seem you've miscounted.
It's ten thousand, plus two.

If you still need me, obviously.

Hello, Julius!

- [Obélix] It's us!
- The weirdos.

[Ku Koo] Not plus two,

plus three!

The Man Behind the Bamboo!

[Deng Tsin Qin] How awful. Poor boy.

- He's a blonde.
- It's not such a bad look.

[Bankruptis] Not plus three, plus four!

I am the Man in the Blue Plumage.

What is that?

That's enough talk.

Why be talking, when you can be running?

Ah!

- [rock music playing]
- [cheering]

[grunts]

[Antivirus] Mamma mia.

[crowd sighs]

The man starts off cold! Silly boy.

- Did I give the order?
- No, you didn't.

[sighs]

All right. Rotate.

- Rotatio!
- [off-key horn playing]

[soldiers chanting] Antivirus!

Antivirus!

- Antivirus! Antivirus!
- [horn hooting]

[chanting continues]

[shouting]

[cork popping]

[bagpipes playing]

- [sighs]
- Ah!

[exhales]

Hey, Astérix. Gimme some, will you?

- Nah. Not enough to go around.
- [mocking] Not enough to go around.

What a bunch of cheaters!

Won't save 'em, though.

Attack!

[soldiers cheer]

Wah!

- [battle cries]
- [barking]

- Yo!
- What?

Yessir.

[barking]

[shouts]

[groans]

[screaming]

Help me.

Shh! Shut up, by golly.

You'll get us caught.

Golly. As in Gauls.

So, is it my turn?

Yeah, sure, if you want.

Archers!

Aim!

Draw!

Fire!

Deng Tsin Qin, Emperor of China!
[laughs]

[mysterious music playing]

Arrows!

[screams]

Come on. Seriously?

Don't judge. Ah!

I can feel it.

The kick is a monster. Ah!

[yelling]

Crazy force!

Oh...

Is that all? Is this all? Argh!

No! I can't believe it. This is pathetic!

[soldier yelling]

- I smell victory.
- Ah, smells of victory.

A specific smell, would you say?

Readers care about that sort of detail?

It flavours the experience.

It reeks of laurel then.

Excellent. Excellent!

[dramatic music playing]

[grunts]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[screams]

[emotional music playing]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[screams]

I won't not help you
just 'cause we've argued.

I know.

- I've always said I'd defend you.
- [screams]

I know.

Because you'll always be my best mate.

I know.

Sorry, Obélix.

[Sa See] Astérix! Obélix!

[Obélix grunts]

Obélix! Don't!

Don't.

[laughs]

Before we die,
I need to tell you something, Princess.

- [soft music playing]
- [hoof steps approaching]

[epic music playing]

Look there!

[narrator] And just when all seemed lost,

the Empress appeared,

followed by her army
and all of her people.

Everyone came.

They followed her
across the Middle Kingdom,

marching all the way
to the ultimate battle scene.

Oh?

[soft music playing]

- What the heck is that?
- I'm not sure.

But I don't smell
a lot of laurel right now.

More like pine caskets.

[sighs]

[horn hoots]

Caesar!

I am the Empress of China.

You will leave my empire forthwith.
I order you.

- [laughs]
- Never!

Woman of character. Reminds me of someone.

Ooh...

Your Majesty,

rather than lose our temper
and ruin everything,

perhaps we could consider
some sort of alliance?

When the clouds pass in front of the sun,

my army will trample you to dust.

What's that now, another proverb of yours?

Oh no, it's literal.
And it's happening now.

[dramatic music playing]

- How many of you are there?
- [gasps] Watch him do his thing!

One million.

[music distorts and fades out]

Ah. The maths don't work as well.

[sighs]

Boys, I'm gonna hit the road.
It's not like I'm from here.

I'm returning to Rome, so keep in touch.

But Caesar, you can't just bail on us!
There's a million of them!

It's not my war.

[off-key horn playing]

I can't just trot off.

[whistles] Hi-ho, Equus!

Hi-ho. Now. [snaps fingers]

[coos and vibrates]

GOT YOUR MESSAGE!

SAY GOODBYE TO MY LITTLE PYRAMID!
CLEOPATRA

[sighs] That's one rough day.

A rough one.

Right.

Hurray!

- [majestic music playing]
- [cries of victory]

[scattered cheering]

[Sa See yells indistinctly]

[laughs]

Hurray!

[narrator] Now that's more like it.

- [light-hearted music playing]
- And here we are, back in Gaul.

Not only for our friends' usual banquet,

but also to hold a celebration
in honour of Gaul and China.

Your attention,
the Empress will be speaking now.

Valiant warriors,

my gratitude is eternal.

[Vitalstatistix]
Our honour, Your Majesty.

In fact, I'm the one who insisted
we rush to your aid.

We have come all this way today

to celebrate a beautiful union.

[soft music playing]

That's my cousin. Remix's the name.

He's a specialist of world music!

He's my cousin, he's mine, all mine.
He is not, at all, your cousin, he's my--

- Shush!
- [scoffs]

[muffled protest]

[Vitalstatistix] You know,
we're a bit alike, me and you.

We're chiefs.

I believe wielding power
gets pretty lonely.

Wouldn't you say so?

And... I'm not done.

And what's more, behind every great man,
there's a great woman.

Without Impedimenta, I'm lost.
At home, she's wearing the moustache.

Not interrupting, am I? Having a nice day?

[Impedimenta] Huh?
We'll settle this at home.

- [tutting]
- Hey, Mimenta!

Excuse me.
Just some minor marital strife to settle.

Mimenta! Mimenta!

[sighs] I thought he would never leave.

You know what? When you left the cell,
I recovered my head.

Mm.

What I lost, though,
was my poor little heart.

- Oh, don't be silly.
- [both giggle]

And so, what have you done with it?

See that, Bankruptis?

Huh? Prison didn't stop
your unkie's oo-la-la!

[laughs] High class.

[barking]

Hey. Bring another plate.

Or even better, a big dish, okay?
Wanna share?

- No. I'm not gonna give in now.
- Right, sorry.

So you still don't miss it?

Why would I miss it?

I tell you,
I can't even stand the smell now.

What I might miss sometimes
is the midnight snack, you know?

After a barley beer or two,
it gets complicated.

Obélix?

Panacea.

Am I in the way?

- No.
- [Panacea] I am.

I can tell.
Since you're back, I'm invisible.

Are the rumours true, about you and her?

This is ridiculous.

Long distance relationships don't work.

Think about the situation.
'Cause I'm here.

Been waiting for months, worried to death,

while you were chasing another woman?

Do you not love me?

- Huh?
- [Panacea] Well do you or don't you?

You used to love me.
So is it a yes or a no?

- [Panacea] Do I have to forget you?
- Tell her yes.

Listen, Panacea... Pff...

it's not happening.

This village goes
from one adventure to another.

And it's time I did as well.
That's all. Nothing personal.

Now if you'll excuse me...

You're a fool.

But, uh, I'm still...

[soft konghou playing]

[singing "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"
in Chinese]

[mouthing]

[mysterious music playing]

["(I've Had) The Time of My Life"
continues]

[cheering]

[muffled protest]

Nice party, huh?

I thought everyone had a good time.

It was a good party.

So Ka Ra Tay, she... she left, didn't she?

Well, yeah, long ride home.

She called me her sweetheart.

[soft music playing]

She did?

That's amazing, Oby.

And so, she didn't...
she didn't feel like staying?

Well, she wanted to, of course, but...

she's got work in China,
big responsibilities in the palace.

No big deal, it'll happen.
When we grow up.

When you grow up?

Well... yeah.

Well...

I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed.

[Obélix yawns]

- Hey, Oby?
- Hmm?

One more for the road, then?

- Oh, don't mind if I do!
- [chuckles]

[Obélix laughs]

Oh, Oby...

Aw, mate.

[both laugh]

Oby!

Oh, Astérix!

Obélix!

[muffled laughter]

[Astérix!] I can't breathe.

THE END

TO RENÉ GOSCINNY & ALBERT UDERZO

[upbeat adventure music playing]

[music stops]

- [rock music playing]
- [Cacofonix] Cou cou!

[in French]
♪ You don't want me to sing? ♪ [laughs]

♪ I'm gonna sing anyway ♪

♪ You don't want me to sing? Hmm? ♪

- ♪ You don't want me to sing ♪
- Oh !

- I forgot the surprise.
- What surprise?

Wait here.

♪ So what is it, my voice or just me? ♪

♪ So is it me or my voice? ♪

♪ So is my voice not right?
It's what you don't like? ♪

♪ Or is it just me? ♪

♪ Tell me what's wrong
Always something wrong ♪

♪ Don't do this, don't do that ♪

♪ Is it my lyrics or my voice
I don't get it ♪

♪ Don't call me paranoid
You're all against me ♪

♪ You don't want me to sing? ♪

- ♪ Hmm? ♪
- [Obélix laughs]

♪ I'm gonna sing anyway ♪

[Astérix, Obélix] Oh!

♪ You don't want me to sing? ♪

♪ I'm gonna sing anyway ♪

[Cacofonix sings]

[Biopix] What did Caesar
say about his palace?

"When I get back, I want it shiny."

So get it shiny!

Shine, shine, shine...

- Shine, you fools.
- There you go, that's the spirit.

You get the whole Gaulish market.

All I want is China,
and the rest of the world.

It's a mega deal! Take it or leave it.

I demand you give me an answer.

What's this mega deal you're making?

- I never said mega deal--
- Yes, you did,

you miserable Kh'mar.
An accomplished merchant

such as myself
can read lips three miles away?

- So why'd you say that?
- I didn't!

[both argue]

I'm telling you, honey,
you'll get your Julius back for sure.

All you gotta do
is send him a message saying,

"I'll cross oceans and ponds,
even dye my hair blonde..."

And voilà, he'll be at your doorstep
before you know it.

[sighs] I guess so.

Don't know why I get so embalmed about it.

Aw. Oh no, it's flat.
You wouldn't have a poultry charger?

Ah! Don't move. I'll get you one.

With an Egyptian plug?

[Caesar] Why not a Roman one?

[Cleo laughs]

[Cacofonix] ♪ I'm gonna sing anyway ♪

- [laughter]
- He just sang anyway.

[man 1]
Hey, you about done with the noise?

[man 2]
We wanna get some sleep around here!

[both laughing]

I'm sorry!

[Astérix] Good night!

[Obélix] Good night you goody-goody-Gauls!

["Ils Sont Fous, Ces Humains" playing]