All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S03E25 - Pregnant Pause (2) WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

ARTHUR: Previously on
The King of Queens...

I don't feel well.

Well-- what's the matter?

I don't know.
My, my stomach's weird.

[SIGHS]

Carrie, what the hell
is going on?
He won't tell me anything.

Um, I'm pregnant,
and I'm terrified
we're gonna be broke,

and I love you,
and we'll talk at home.

Until the moment he is born...

all the burden is on me.

-What do I do?
-You just think
happy thoughts and,

and grow a baby.
That's your only job.

Not counting your regular job.
We need that.

Oh, man, that is so great.
Okay, you know, I owe you.

-All right, bye. Yeah!
-What?

Your old hubby
just got a night job

doing what he does best.

I know what you're thinking.
Underwear model.

Actually, what I do
second best... driving.

Oh, the Limo thing
came through? Yay!

Yep, five nights a week,
I'm going to be
playing motor host

to New York's
glamorous social elite.

And probably
some drunk prom kids.

Five nights.
Honey, that's so much.

Money! Cash! You know what
I'm talking about?
Co-co-cold cash.

-All right.
-I'm telling you, Carr,

our kid's gonna have
the best of everything...
best food, best babysitters,

solid-gold pacifier.

All right. Not sure if it's good
for a kid to suck on gold.

Fine. Then lead, whatever.
The point is...

we're gonna have the money
to do what we want.

Well, let me at least help out.
How about I do some
overtime work?

No, no, no overtime work.
That counts as burden.

You work 40 hours a week max.

And even then,
I want a lot of slacking off.

You know, they put Solitaire
on the computer for a reason.

All right, well, maybe
I'll go on-line, you know,
read up baby-type stuff.

Yes. See, there you go.
Now we're vibing, huh?

It's gonna be okay, my little...
[GIBBERISH]

My little yummy, yummy, yummy...

All right, all right.
If that continues, I will
beat you with the blender.

Whoa. There are the hormones.
Okay, killer.

Sorry about that, kids.
Just trying to shut off
the right circuit breaker.

I don't know that
these old bones

can handle
a third electrocution.

He's near our wires.
Why is he near our wires?

Uh, dad, what are you doing?

Pitching in.
With the baby coming,

I realize the contractor's
too expensive to keep on,

but we still own the materials,

so I figured why not just
finish up the job myself?

Um, maybe because
you know absolutely nothing
about construction?

Is that so?
Well, for your information,
darling,

I spent several months
working as a rivet boy

on the Empire State Building.

In addition to
doling out hot rivets,

I would also delight
and amuse the workers

by dancing a lively jig
during break time.

You know what? There's no rivets
or dancing involved here,

so give it up, okay?

Don't worry, Douglas,
I'm not on my own here.

I have a step-by-step book

that will guide me
through the process.

Okay, this is How to Build
an Outdoor Barbecue Pit.

Granted, there'll be
some extrapolating.

Dad, please be rational here.

You can't do this.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.
For God's sakes,

you get reduced to tears
when you try to make popcorn.

Now come on, just
forget about this now.

I'm sorry, darling.
I know you're right.

It's just so hard to accept.

I was so close to
having my own bathroom...

I could taste it.

You know what, Arthur?
I'll... I'll finish it up
for you, okay?

Don't be silly, Douglas.

You got way too much
on your plate already.

Believe me, I want to.

In fact, I'll pick up the toilet
on my way home, okay?

God bless you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS]

What up, little man?

Not much.

Listen, I'm gonna
grab a shower, but, um...

if one of your famous
grilled-cheese sandwiches
met me with a towel,

I wouldn't hate it,
you know what I'm saying?

What's the matter?

We need to talk.
Come, sit.

Okay.

Uh... what's up?

[SIGHS] I, uh...
oh, this is hard.

Come on.
What is it?

[SIGHS] Okay, I just don't think
this is working out for me.

What isn't?

This, this. This thing
that we're doing.

Bro, I'm just crashing
on your couch
until Kelly lets me back.

Exactly.
And in the meantime,

I'm nothing more
than your servant.

I mean, I'm your doormat.

You're Mr. Belvedere.

Is this about the other night?

I, I called to tell you
I wasn't coming home.

I know, and thank you,
but I just...

I feel like I've got to get off
this emotional roller coaster.

You want me to move out?

I think it would be best

if you got all of your stuff
out tomorrow,

and, and I'll make sure
to be out the whole day.

I only have one suitcase,
and I never even unpacked it.

I don't think
you have to be out at all.

Well, I have to be out anyways
because of work.

Well, all right.

Why don't I just get started...

[CHOKED UP] on that
grilled cheese sandwich?

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

I mean, I am pregnant, so--

Pregnant?
Oh, how wonderful!

What a delightful,
wonderful miracle that is.

Oh, I'm just a few weeks along.

I was getting some coffee
on my way home,

and I saw this place
and I thought,

why not stick a toe
in the water, right?

Yeah. Well, the first thing
you're gonna want to do
with that toe

is have it talk the other toes

into kicking caffeine
right out of your life.

Oh, no, no.
You don't understand.

My coffee's
the only thing that...

that keeps me from jumping
in front of the "E" train.

[CHUCKLES] I do understand,

but that nasty old caffeine
gets into your tummy

and then up the umbilical cord,
and, well,

the next thing you know,
you've got a hyperactive child

who's tugging
on your dress screaming,

"Mommy, mommy! Look at me!
Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look!"

Got it. Okay.
No more coffee.

-Great.
-Okay.

We've got some great books here

on nutrition
for expectant mothers

that are an absolute must-have.

Now, I assume
you're taking folic acid?

Well, I took some
at a Metallica concert once.

Woke up the next day
in the parking lot
of a Waldbaum's.

[LAUGHS]

I'm kidding.

I mean, that did happen, but...

I know that's
not what you meant.

Anyway, I have an appointment
with my OB/GYN next week,

and I'm sure he'll clue me in.

Right, but in the meantime
you want to get
a little checklist going, huh?

See what this cute little
money pit's gonna run ya?

Exactly.

Great. Where should we start?
Changing tables.

Oh, you know what,
actually, um, I don't think
I need one of those.

We have this old berow in attic,
I think I'm just gonna use that.

Does it have a lip on it?

[STUTTERING] I don't know.
Is that important?

Oh, gosh! I don't know,
let's see.

Here I am, changing my baby
on the no-lip berow

I saved all $600 on.

What's that, the phone?
I better get it. [LAUGHS]

Well, hello there, husband.

No, I'm just changing
little Wynona. We're--

Oh, God! Wynona, no!

[SOBBING] No, no!

What happened?
What happened to little Wynona?

She rolled off the edge
cause there was no lip.

Now she has to go
to special classes.

Got it. Get a changing table.
Okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

So what brings you to Gotham?

You here on business?

-Yes.
-Oh. What do you do?

I run CBS.

Ah, CVS, nice.

My wife shops there.

In fact, she just picked up
a couple of 12-packs of Charmin.

Saved a bundle.

Good feeling, though,
when you're all set with T.P.

for a few weeks, am I right?

Not CVS. CBS.

Oh, CBS.

Hey, is that guy
on Beckerreally blind?

What's the deal?

Gotcha. No problem.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

-Hello.
-Hi, hon, it's me.

Hey, babe.
How you feeling?

Um, fine.
Well, I threw up this morning,
but that's normal.

Hey, you had fruit loops.
That must have been
quite a show.

Okay, well,
I'm at the baby store...

Fantastic.

There's this
great changing table.

I know you don't know
what that is,
but we're gonna need it.

[WHISPERING] Tell him it has
a decorative lip.

It has a decorative lip.

Anyway, it's a display model

and we can get
it for 1/3 off.

Well, if you think
that it's a good deal--

Hey! What are you doing?

You passed my building.

Uh, oops. Okay.

No problem.
I'll just swing around.

Sorry about that.

All right, order it
if you want, okay?

It's fine. I gotta go.

Douglas, got a moment to chat?

Hold-- hold on one sec, okay?

-[SHOUTING]
-What did I say?
Heads inside!

What-- what is it, Arthur?

I'm a bit concerned
about the lack of progress

vis-a-vis the toilet.

You know what?
I can't hear you.

You're gotta say it again.

The toilet!
The thing I don't have!

Hold on one sec.

Pants on!

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Yeah, hello?

Are you married
to the decorative lip?

No, no, no, no, not at all.

CARRIE: Okay, good, bye.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

-Yeah?
-You left another

pallet of two day's, man.

Crap.
All-- all right, thanks.

-[CELL PHONE RINGING]
-[CHUCKLES]

-What?
-So I guess the toilet is here

and I'm just missing it.

Listen, I said I would get it.

Now, stop calling me,

or the toilet
will be your new fedora.

Anger.

Young man, wake up.

-[SNORES]
-We can't get out.
The doors are locked.

[KNOCKING] Wake up.
Start the engine.

Oh, Herman, I'm frightened.

Oh, coffee.

Coffee. Need coffee.

Oh, sweet wakey juice.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, it's cold... [EXHALES]

and decaf.

Okay, that was a miss-miss.

ARTHUR:
Douglas, is that you?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

Would you kindly step down here
for a moment.

[SIGHING]

Yeah, Arthur, what-- oh, God!

Hello, Douglas.

You, uh, you do understand
that's not connected, right?

Yes, but as you can see,

there aren't a great many
seating options
available down here.

Sorry, I've been busy,
but I did bring the toilet in,
right?

Yes, you did, which I'm now
beginning to assume

was just to taunt me.

It wasn't to taunt you.

Well, then can you
hook it up tonight?

I can't tonight.
I gotta drive
Insane Clown Posse

to the VH-1 Awards.

Look, I don't understand
your street jargon,

but I do understand
there's a toilet here

with no conduit to the ocean.

Arthur, I have a half an hour
before I have to leave for work.

If I don't lie down, I'm gonna
break in a scary way.

CARRIE: Doug, you home?

-Yeah. Coming!
-Wait!

Where you going?
I'm on the brink of Utopia.

Help me!

DOUG: Where are you?

In my office.
Come on up.

Huh? Huh?
What do you think?

What's... what's all this?

Our baby's room.

I want to see how the furniture
would fit,

so I got a bunch of empty boxes
from the supermarket.

Oh! Shamaniqua says
congratulations

and sends a shout-out to ya.

Oh, we got to go, honey.
Come on.

Wait. Wait.
Where we going?

My obstetrician appointment.

You said you wanted
to come with me, right?

Yeow.

[LAUGHS]
Hey, check it out, honey.

It's like the Zamboni
at the Ranger Game.

-[IMITATES ZAMBONI]
-All right, Doug--

* Dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh
dunh dunh *

-Stop it!
-Yeah!

All right.

All right--

Blue,
395. Blue. Blue.

Would you stop it?
Doug--

-Hut!
-Stop it.

How much coffee have you had?

Just this one...
and the other two.

All right,
you know what, sweetie?

I love you for bringing me here,

but why don't you
head out to work, okay?

You're making me nervous.

Besides,
you don't want to be late.

No sense in upsetting
an already Insane Clown Posse.

All right, sorry for the wait.

Oh, that's okay, Dr. Lindhardt.
This is my husband, Doug.

Doug, hello.

It would seem congratulations
are in order.

Well, thanks, and to you.

Took me two whole dates
to get where you're about to go.

I kid. I kid.

Okay, bye-bye, now.

All right, I gotta go.
I'm going. I'm going.

Hey, you guys want
the door open or closed?

Again, I kid. I kid.

-Ah!
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, keys.

I just forgot--

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Honey?

[DRY GULPS] What happened?

Do we have the baby?

No. You passed out.

I did?

Huh.

Oh, well. Gotta go.

-Doug!
-What?

-Where are you going?
-To work.

-To work?
-Yeah.

You just collapsed!

I didn't collapse.
That was a catnap.

Did me a world of good, too.
I'll see you tonight.

[DOUG COLLAPSES]

Doug? Honey?

What happened?

You passed out again.

Why am I in these?

Well, the doctor thought
it would be better

if you had your feet
elevated this time,

but you know what?
Take 'em down.

It's starting to creep me out
a little bit.

All righty, well, once again,
I'll see you tonight, okay?

-Doug!
-What?

Stop leaving.

I have work. I've got to pick up
a car in Astoria.

Doug, you are passing out
every third step.

Astoria is
a little ambitious, okay?

Now, just tell me
what is going on with you?

I don't know!

Everything's changing, Carrie.

You know, two weeks ago
you were my beautiful,
sexy wife.

Now I walk in here, and you're--
you're not her anymore.

[PANTING]
You're-- you're that...

and I'm Mr. That.

[PANTING] You know,
we're sitting out there.

We're filling out forms
"Name of mother?
Name of father?"

I'm not even Doug anymore.

You realize that?
I'm "Name of father."

I thought
you were Mr. That.

Okay, Carrie. Glad you're
having fun with this.

Well, Doug,
what do you want me to say?

Everything's changing, yes.

Why is it all
dawning on you now?

Because I never had time
for it to dawn on me before!

I was too busy trying to
shoulder you into a good place.

Well, you made me
give you all the burden.

I know, but because of that,
I never had a moment,

not one moment,

to say, "Holy crap!
What's happening to us?"

You know what?
I'm saying it now.

Holy crap!
What's happening to us?

We're having a baby...

and it's gonna be okay.

Oh, shut up.

I'm serious. It is.

Yeah, well.
Why are you so sure now?

Because of you.

-Me?
-Mm-hmm.

Watching you
these last couple of weeks,

and seeing
what you're willing...
to put yourself through

for me, for...

our family...

I just realized, you know,
because we have you, we're...

-we're gonna be okay.
-[EXHALES]

I am pretty amazing, huh?

Hey, I let you
get me pregnant, right?

Only seven or eight guys
can say that.

So you really-- really think
we can pull this off?

I do...

but you know what?
You have to...

you have to give me
some of the burden back.

No. No. It's-- I don't--
it's in the car.

-I don't believe it is.
-No. I don't have it.

-I think you have it on you.
-I don't have it on me.

You give it to me!
Give it to me.
Give it to me.

Stop it!
Leave me alone.

Give me the burden.
Give me the burden.
Come on, baby.

I'll come back.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Huh. You, uh,
you expecting someone?

No, I canceled both my lovers
when I let you move back in.

[LAUGHS] Good one.

-Oh! Hey, man.
-Hey, Deac. Hey, Kel.

Hey, Spence.

It's a-- it's a little late.
What's up?

Oh, well, you had some T-shirts
in the wash when you left.

I thought you might need 'em.

Um, I'm all out of snuggle,

-so those might be a little
rougher than you're used to.
-[LAUGHS]

Thanks, man, you didn't have
to do this, though.

Oh, well, I felt kinda bad
with the way we left things.

No, no. Don't be silly, man.
Your kicking me out

was the best thing
that could have happened.

Kelly and I are doing great now.

-Are you?
-Yeah.

Well, that's good.

Anything else, or...

Oh... No, I just dropped by
with the T-shirts and a how-do.

All right, well, I guess I'll
catch you at Coopers, all right?

-You got it.
-All right, good night, man.

Goodnight.

DOUG: Carrie!

Wife?

Wife! Wifey!

[AS JERRY LEWIS] Wifey-lady
person-thingie, hello!

Here you are.
Check this out.

It's called a receiving blanket,

and apparently,
it's perfect for...

swaddling our precious new baby.

Now all we have to do
is learn how to swaddle.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's the matter?

We're not gonna be needing that.

What are you--

I felt weird,
so I went back to the doctor.

I...

I, uh, I lost it.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

So, are...

are you okay?

It's funny, you know,
the other day at the doctor

we were both in a good place
about this for the first time.

And... and now...

[CRYING]

[HAMMERS]

Oh, that's it, Artie.

The dream has become a reality.

Never thought
I'd live to see it.

Thank you, Douglas.
You did a wonderful job.

Yeah. Looks good, right?

And I want to apologize
once again
for the cement incident.

Ah, look, hey, we caught it
before anybody ate any.

That's the main thing.

So, uh, how's Carrie doing?

She's-- she's doing all right,
you know.

I guess the good thing
that came of all this is

we now know that we really
do want to have a baby,

so we're gonna keep trying.

That's the spirit.

Don't let the bastards
get you down.

I'm not sure
what bastards you mean,

but thank you.

CARRIE: Doug,
everyone's here. Come on!

Hey, we're going
to the movies, Arthur.

-You want to come with us?
-No, thanks, Douglas.

I think I'll stay home tonight.

Think I'll stay home.

Enjoy.

Okay, people, let's go eat
a dangerous amount of milk duds.

Sweetie, you should
have brought a jacket.

You're gonna get cold.

-I'll be all right.
-You always say that,
and you wind up being chilly.

-Honey, I'll be fine.
-All right.

[CLEARS THROAT]
I'll keep the couch free.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

ARTHUR: Now, that's livin'!

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]