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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:04,637 hI! This is me. 2 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,796 This is my camera. 3 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:08,558 This is detox. 4 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,079 I'm two weeks in, 5 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,510 and I've got... Just got the one week to go. 6 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:17,596 I've lost quite a lot of weight already. 7 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,518 I'm feeling a little, you know, spaced. 8 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,393 But I've got a little thinner. Look at this. 9 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,637 Look at this. Look at body, body, body. 10 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,716 Body a bit thinner. 11 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:32,479 Um... 12 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,714 I'm going to show you the before, so you can see what I was like before. 13 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,193 Here we go. 14 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,112 Here's my before. 15 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,437 Tits... I don't think I've ever seen down there before. 16 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,597 I can see underneath my tits, my titties. 17 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,229 Have a look and see what that looks like. 18 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,874 This is better. I didn't like that last day one. 19 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,515 This is day one. This is where it will start. 20 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,196 This is better. Day one. 21 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,389 Wheels on fire 22 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:22,673 Rolling down the road 23 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:27,078 Best notify my next of kin 24 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:33,116 This wheel shall explode! 25 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,715 I've been keeping a diary of my progress, so we'll see how it goes. 26 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:42,436 And it all started the night before the day you've just seen - day one - 27 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,710 on a girls' night out. 28 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,952 Which is every night 'cause no one's ever got a man. 29 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,111 I mean, look at these men in here. 30 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,038 These are successful men and look at their women. 31 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,310 Carers! - Hostesses, not wives. 32 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,273 A successful man - and they are the only attractive ones - 33 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,356 does not want a successful wife. 34 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,392 Not a matter of want. Even a successful woman needs a wife. 35 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,112 Someone to be there for them. 36 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:06,912 Look at these. - Trophy wives. 37 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,077 Trophy wives. They're women who filter the world for them 38 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,873 as though it's a sort of complete mystery. 39 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,798 They choose the tie and hide things around the house 40 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,876 so that only they know where they are. 41 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,797 I've done that! - Bloody hell. 42 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,309 You know the ones I hate? The ones at parties. 43 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,829 Go to a party, you want to meet the man - no! 44 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,112 She's got to take you over to him. Come and meet him. He adores you. 45 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,231 That sounds like some good friends of mine. 46 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:32,952 Itt makes a man feel cherished. 47 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,399 Cherished? 48 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,950 They're just manipulating the world, 49 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,310 so it's a complete bloody mystery to him. 50 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,556 She's the only one who will ever understand 51 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,116 this extraordinarily complicated menu that she has written. 52 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,754 Before you know it, they're all film producers. 53 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:52,395 Darling, it's no mystery. Come on, Eddie, tuck in. 54 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,752 It's no mystery. Two winners don't get on. It just doesn't work. 55 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,632 It's the same in all relationships. 56 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,548 If you put racehorses together, they kick the shit out of each other. 57 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,477 Tom and Nicole. Bruce and Demi. 58 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,874 Liam and Noel. 59 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,274 Disaster. 60 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,029 What a racehorse wants is a donkey - a little donkey, 61 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,752 a goat, a little companion. 62 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,039 I need a slash. 63 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,396 It's the same in all relationships. 64 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,916 This little glib phrase that Patsy says like that, but... 65 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,918 Why didn't I feel good enough about myself 66 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,156 to think that I could be the racehorse? 67 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,317 I think i'm the donkey. l don't want to be the fat donkey. 68 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,953 I want to be the racehorse. 69 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,073 I suppose it's not impossible for two donkeys to get on. 70 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,754 I think you're horrid because if you perceive others as failures, 71 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,916 it makes you feel better about yourself. 72 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,316 Well done. - Nonsense. That's magazine speak. 73 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,237 No. I wrote about it in an article. 74 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,713 In a magazine. 75 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,196 You have no idea of the pressures I've been under. 76 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:02,076 You dance like an angel on the pinhead of success for so long, 77 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,237 and the moment you're out of the spotlight, they cut you down. 78 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,194 But I think you'll find I was always generous in my professional life. 79 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,074 You ask people who worked with me. 80 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,196 Dawn French! 81 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,834 I'm going to have your guts for garters. 82 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,673 Horrible! 83 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,190 Well, everyone has their crutches. Security blankets. 84 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,992 Being mean is yours. 85 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,756 I've got one of those by my cooker. 86 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,348 No, no. That's a fire blanket. - Oh, right. 87 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,913 Toss! - Exactly. 88 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,679 I mean, not everybody has them. I haven't got one. 89 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:48,149 Oh, don't worry, Eddie. - What are you talking about? What? 90 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:49,873 You're fat. 91 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,359 Fat! 92 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,040 Surely you can see that. We can't miss it. 93 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,952 What's yours, Patsy? - Well, it's obvious. 94 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,310 What? - It's your fringe. 95 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,431 Oh! The 60s forelock. 96 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,438 Push it back. Let's see what you look like under there. 97 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,639 No, don't touch me. 98 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,432 No! - Come on. 99 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:14,959 For heaven's sake, Patsy. 100 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,036 No! 101 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,149 These things can't be taken too quickly. 102 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,789 At least you can pin your fringe back, 103 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,879 whereas you can't pin your fat back. 104 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:31,514 You are mean! 105 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,670 Epiphany! You see, that was the kickstart. 106 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,838 I wanted to fit in those stalls with the racehorses. 107 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:42,032 So I decided to reinvent myself - restyle myself. 108 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:46,631 The new svelte, tanned, smooth, luggageless me. 109 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,718 There was something about it, I don't know what it was. 110 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,354 There was just something about that word. 111 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,518 Detox! - I want to detox. 112 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,551 It's just another fad. - I agree. 113 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,911 No one diets any more. You're not fat, just full of toxins. 114 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,712 Just full of poison. 115 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,478 Well, that's not news. 116 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,998 Now, look, this is my book. 117 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,189 I can work upside-down. Plenty of practice with Blue Peter. 118 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,794 Now, it's basically just eat meat and drink water till you need a B12. 119 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,990 Drink water. - So no more booze. 120 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,197 What about exercise? 121 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:23,673 No one's going to the gym, 122 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,234 so l want to do the one that, you know... 123 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,872 Mum, this is madness. - Darling, this is my life! 124 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,992 In three weeks, I want to be on the cusp of organ failure. 125 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,997 Good for you! 126 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,795 I want my body just to be a relief map of veins. 127 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,675 I want to be an X-ray with a pulse. 128 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,876 Even your cells can't eat that fast. 129 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,468 Eddie, we hate these women. - Do we? 130 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,673 Looking as though you've shoved your tits into a pencil sharpener. 131 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,158 It's all right for you. You've always looked like that. 132 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,589 You're probably like me, Patsy. 133 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,757 I mean, sometimes l just forget to eat. 134 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,510 Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974. 135 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,478 Well, there was that crisp. - Oh, yes, the crisp. 136 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,911 Poor old Patsy. She couldn't keep anything down. 137 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,794 She lost most of her back teeth to stomach acid. 138 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,430 At least I didn't drink my own piddle. 139 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,632 That was a very mean trick. 140 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,671 I hope that was my piddle, was it? 141 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,673 I've done every diet. l've done the hay diet, the cabbage diet. 142 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,279 The blood group diet, 143 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,870 where you have to eat the food your ancestors would have gathered. 144 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,072 My ancestors were whale gatherers - thanks to you! 145 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,317 I've done combining... - Combining food with alcohol. 146 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,714 Three meals a day is what you should stick to. 147 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,432 Three good meals a day! 148 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,273 And then they had sex! There, that's a good scene! 149 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,229 Your stomach's like a dog that doesn't know when it's going to be fed, 150 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,351 so it hangs around until you want to kick it. 151 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,796 That is it. That is it! 152 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:26,356 I am going to do this. I am going to get thin. 153 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,516 Witness. Witness. Witness. Witness. 154 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:32,076 Come on. Come on. Come on, let's go. 155 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,511 All right. Three bird knees. Here we go. 156 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,437 Three bird knees. Up in the air. 157 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,472 Squat, then star jump. Squat thrust, then star jump. 158 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,033 Come on! 159 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,310 Come on! Keep moving. 160 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,317 Come on! 161 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,590 Come on. - I've got snot all over my face! 162 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,393 You will never get there if you don't do it. 163 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,988 I can't do it! - Just do it. 164 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,953 Up you come. Well done. Down you go. good stuff. 165 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,479 Move on. 166 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,239 and on the bar, chest on the bar, 167 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,669 and down and up... 168 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,472 It's enormous! 169 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,152 Come on, concentrate. - Come on. Third time lucky. 170 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,191 Come on. Let's do it again. 171 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,119 Come on! 172 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,590 Eddie. - Don't! 173 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,233 Cheers, darling. 174 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:35,679 Don't! 175 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,795 Don't want it. Don't want it. Don't want it. 176 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:44,151 I don't want it. - Good for you, Mum. 177 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,316 You've changed your tune, darling. 178 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,558 Anyway, I'm going to be thin. 179 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,875 I'm going to do thin things, you know. 180 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,956 I want to be sort of eri bendy. 181 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,711 I want to be sort of hip hanging. 182 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,150 I'd like to take my clothes off and not be marked by them. 183 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,911 I never thought it worried you. 184 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,715 Yeah. 90% of awake time and 100% of sleep time I worry about it. 185 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,229 Eddie, you look fine. You dress like... 186 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,510 A fat billboard. l know! 187 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:19,315 Is that why you wear labels, so the designer takes the blame? 188 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,073 Clunk clunk! 189 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,998 It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. 190 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,839 DKY bosoms. Not mine. 191 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,317 Dolce and Gabbana fat thighs. Not mine! 192 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,510 Oh, Eddie, this is no fun. 193 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,677 l know it's no fun, darling, but it's dieting. I have to diet. 194 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,392 Must think about dieting. 195 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:39,999 What are you eating? 196 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,315 What are you doing today while I'm dieting? 197 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,557 I met an old school friend, so he's coming round later. 198 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,399 I met him at the Royal Court. I finished my play... 199 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:50,794 Oh? - Oh. 200 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,798 They might be doing it as a workshop in the studio. 201 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,273 Oooh! 202 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,789 If he's at all good-looking, have sex with him. 203 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,150 I'm worried your business is going to heal over. 204 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,633 Hello. - Hey, how are you? Fantastic. 205 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,078 Wow! Like it. 206 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,638 I cannot believe we met like that. - I knew it was you immediately. 207 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,512 You haven't changed. - neither have you. 208 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,874 Wow. 209 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,433 Very nice. - Yeah. 210 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:31,235 So what side of the business did you say you were on again? 211 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,318 Oh, l'm a writer. l wrote something for the Edinburgh... 212 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,513 Yes, please. And, well, the Royal Court are really interested, 213 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,312 so they want to workshop it. 214 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:44,319 Well, it's a piece about social struggle and sort of... 215 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,431 Sorry. You are a writer, so... - Yeah. 216 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,949 Yeah. hey, I'm an actor. Bear me in mind. 217 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,188 Great. - What are you working on now? 218 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,710 Were we in the same class at school? Because I thought... 219 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,592 Same year, yeah. - Yeah. 220 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,029 You sat next to me in Maths. 221 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,071 Hey, Maths. Love it, yeah. 222 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,872 Yeah, of course. 223 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,712 Anyway, what did you say you did again? 224 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,273 Oh, yeah. 225 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,676 Well, you know, my agent's being very protective at the moment, 226 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,679 not letting me take stuff in case it interferes with the big plan. 227 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,594 Which is? 228 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,154 Oh, you know. Movies, L.A., whatever. 229 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:30,433 Patsy was experimenting with hairstyle variety. 230 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:34,109 Great. Are those for me? Thanks. 231 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,235 You look nice. - What? What? 232 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,917 I don't know how they get people to go to these parties. 233 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,679 It's cocaine. 234 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,791 Lines inside means lines outside. 235 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,798 Donatella is a genius. 236 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,835 And I said, "What's that sound?" 237 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,350 And he said, "That, Taylor, is the sound of doors opening." 238 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:16,315 And i've been practically... knee-deep in scripts ever since. 239 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,113 But you are so right. Relationships suffer. 240 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,596 You must know. You're a writer. You know, two-way traffic. 241 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,119 Have you got a girlfriend? 242 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,673 Ex-girlfriend, yeah. 243 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,234 Singer-dancer, Shelagh Kidron? 244 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,670 of? Starlight Express? 245 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:32,919 No. 246 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,076 Are they? You? Yeah? - No, I don't. 247 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,668 May I? - Oh, yes. Please, yes. Sorry. 248 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,753 Anyway, just er... 249 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,113 couple for later. 250 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,392 Racehorse and donkey. 251 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,512 It's a glib phrase, but racehorse and donkey. 252 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,518 Once you've figured it out, the world makes sense. 253 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,319 Yes, i know. 254 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,000 I'm telling you now, he's an absolute stud. 255 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,119 Bye. - Candy! 256 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,550 Darling. How are you doing? - Fine. You? 257 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,717 Very good. The Daily Express has got pics of that pool boy 258 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,558 sucking my tits in St Lucia. 259 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,951 Winston? - Oh, yeah. 260 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,388 Lovely. 261 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,671 Darling, do you want to have lunch or something? 262 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,348 I can't. I'm meeting an old school friend. 263 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,277 Minge! - Candy! 264 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,270 Oh, don't worry. I've got it covered. 265 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,993 Take him. he smells of poo. - Come to Auntie Minge, sweetie. 266 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,953 Yeah. And the snail had his own trailer, so... 267 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,279 What snail? - Snail had his own trailer. 268 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,711 ln the Doc. The Doctor. - Doctor who? 269 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,394 No, no. Doolittle. Dr Doolittle. 270 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,395 When I... I toured in it, yeah? 271 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,750 Oh, terrific numbers. Did you see it? 272 00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,154 Er, no. 273 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,511 Put me on the map. Talk to the animals... Show stopper. 274 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,392 Stopped the show. Well... if you don't count the snail. 275 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,511 There were some big rounds for the snail. 276 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,835 Giant snail, so big er... 277 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,955 big bastard, but a lot of the animals... 278 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,952 The animals - beautifully crafted animatronics. 279 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,357 Look, Taylor. Sorry, the time... I've got to write. 280 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,870 Absolutely. Yeah, I'm with you. 281 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,833 Let's make like sheep and get the flock out of here. 282 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,952 10-9, yeah. Could I just quickly borrow your phone? 283 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,116 Yeah, of course. To call a cab? 284 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,231 No, actually, l just want to ring L.A. 285 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,112 Going to L.A. next week 286 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,834 and I just want to page myself in a restaurant... 287 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,875 Get on the wire before I'm out there. 288 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,874 Well done. 289 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,788 Battery's gone. I'm off. I've got dinner with Carol Vorderman. 290 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,115 You did really brilliant today. - Yeah. 291 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,753 Night night, darling. 292 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,558 I will do it! 293 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,157 Oh, Eddie! Eddie! 294 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,634 Hello. 295 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,512 Eddie, you need a drink, darling. 296 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,279 I don't need a drink. I'm all right. How are you doing? 297 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,550 How are you doing with this? - All right. 298 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,194 What's the point of this? Let's have some fun. 299 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,118 I've got to do it. - Just one drink downstairs. 300 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,514 You go ahead. 301 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,276 It was very nice meeting you again. 302 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,472 Absolutely great, and bear me in mind with the writing. 303 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,279 Oh, I say! 304 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,154 Care to share a cab with me somewhere? 305 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,872 Hey. Absolutely not. 306 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,156 Sweetheart? Pats? 307 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,829 Oh, I must eat! I must eat! I want to eat something. 308 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,555 Stay calm. Just calm. Just relax. Just stay. 309 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,312 Think about your hip bone. Oh, there's a hip bone. 310 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,433 Where's my hip bone gone? It was here! It was here! 311 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,232 My hip bone. 312 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,473 God... 313 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,552 You gave me epiphany and now you have forsaken me. 314 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,317 The morning sun touched lightly 315 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,513 On the eye of Lucy Jordan 316 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,515 In a white suburban bedroom 317 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:55,110 In a white suburban town 318 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,515 As she lay there 'neath the covers 319 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,356 Dreaming of a thousand lovers 320 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,390 Till the world turned to orange 321 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:12,196 And the room went spinning round 322 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,435 At the age of 47 323 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,157 She realised she'd never 324 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,192 Ride through Paris 325 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,799 In a sports car 326 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,708 With the warm wind in her hair 327 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,470 So she let the phone keep ringing 328 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,628 As she sat there softly singing 329 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,833 Pretty nursery rhymes she'd memorised 330 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,635 In her daddy's easy chair. 331 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,272 I must say, you're doing rather well, darling. 332 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,356 I never thought you had it in you. 333 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,836 I'm singing this for you because I know you like it. 334 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,758 Of course. You started that. 335 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,073 Patsy's one of mine. What are you doing here? 336 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,191 This one is with me. 337 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,518 Did you suggest this diet? 338 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,315 lt's not a diet. It's a detox. 339 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,910 Why do you keep coming up with these things? 340 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,998 It plays on their vanity and I gave them that. 341 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,838 No. You gave them self-hatred. 342 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,269 Oh, whatever. They love a diet. 343 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,630 In the world of self-loathing, 344 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,479 The Barbie Doll reigns supreme. 345 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,752 Oh, don't get heavy. It's a shallow world now. 346 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,679 I know. Nothing can develop any more. 347 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,588 They just want freshly-popped foetus bodies 348 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,188 and sex doll faces. 349 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,629 I mean, look at the art... 350 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,319 Oh, do stop! 351 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,637 This is a world where Carol Vorderman is a sex symbol 352 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,877 and St Tropez is a bottle of fake tan. 353 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,399 I love it! 354 00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,273 They won't have any use for you and me soon. 355 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,350 Frankly, I'm bored. What's the point of me if i'm acceptable? 356 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,995 In China, they're putting girl babies in dustbins 357 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,758 as a matter of routine... 358 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,791 Now who's getting heavy? 359 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,390 It's so not 2001. 360 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,594 I just wish everybody could love each other. 361 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,871 That was such an attractive idea. 362 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,878 Mmm. Fancy a drink or something? 363 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,000 Have you ever cut your fringe? - No. You? 364 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:34,719 I will if you will. 365 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,035 No. I will if you will. - No. 366 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,873 Oh, sweetheart. 367 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,911 Oh, oh, oh! 368 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:51,879 Oh. 369 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:55,754 Sweetheart. 370 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,874 Oh, darling, I need food. 371 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,558 Food. 372 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,752 Oh, darling, I nearly died last night, darling. 373 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:09,276 In fact, I think i'm pretty close to death now, sweetheart. 374 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,359 Mum, you're not. - How do you know? 375 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,357 I'm looking at you. You look fine. 376 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,189 Look fine. I know what that means. That means I still look fat! 377 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:23,551 You have lost a lot of weight. Not that that's important. 378 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,114 I know i've lost a lot of weight, but not enough! 379 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,390 I want to eat! I knew this would never work. 380 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,830 It is working. Stop being a victim and take control! 381 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,429 I'm a fat person, that's the end of it! 382 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,834 Me! 383 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,436 The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo! Sushi. 384 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,597 I mean, honestly, if they keep it coming round 385 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,109 of course i'm going to eat it, aren't I?! 386 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,672 I'll get you something. 387 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,314 Something. God, this is such hard work! 388 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,795 How does Geri bloody Halliwell do it, eh? 389 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,512 How does she do that? 390 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,872 This isn't lovely fun, jumpy, lovely day, lots of energy, fun. 391 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,710 This is horrible, painful, funless grind. 392 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,150 Welcome to my world. 393 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,873 Not my world. 394 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,918 I tell you what i'm going to do. 395 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,315 I'm going to get a body double for life. 396 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,510 Yeah. Then I can eat what I want. 397 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,911 I mean, they do it in the movies. 398 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,510 You can be the star of the film and someone else does all the body bits. 399 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,119 That's what I want. 400 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,393 I'm going to the fridge. Don't stop me, darling. 401 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:36,999 Don't stop me! 402 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,032 'Cause I'm going to the fridge, sweetheart! 403 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,755 Fine. I'm not going to stop you. This is what you always do. 404 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,475 Everyone else takes over - takes responsibility. Well, I won't. 405 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,750 You do it and you face the consequences. 406 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,952 Fat or thin, you are a nightmare of selfishness! 407 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,519 Mum. 408 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,509 Mum. You just opened the fridge without heaving your whole body. 409 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,555 What? - There's a lump. 410 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,875 Where? - A lump here. Feel that. 411 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,433 What is that? Aah! 412 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:42,598 What is that? 413 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,119 Mum, it's a muscle. 414 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,389 That? That's a muscle? 415 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:51,873 I've got a muscle?! 416 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,434 Ring Katy Grin, tell her i've got a muscle! 417 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,596 Ring Pats! Tell her i've got a muscle. 418 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,790 Sweetheart, have I got another? No, no. 419 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,831 Feel that. I've got a muscle. Feel it. 420 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,349 Don't push it away! Don't push it away! 421 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,239 Just feel it. 422 00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:07,874 Ring them up. Tell them i've got a muscle. 423 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,355 You can do it! - I can do it! 424 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,712 Upper arms! Punch, punch, punch! 425 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,480 To me. Punch! Great. That is fantastic. 426 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,750 Think of Planet Thin, Planet Thin. That's it! That's it! 427 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:24,874 Ha! 428 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,879 So here I am, minus a stone of toxin. 429 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,233 Feeling pretty good. 430 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,753 Sniffing the old O2 and ingesting the wheatgerm 431 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,111 and about to be tanned, pummelled and scrubbed, 432 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,276 and I shall be ready to go. 433 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,639 What do you think? 434 00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,716 Is that dress new? 435 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,671 Yeah, yeah. Do you love it? 436 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,758 It's gorgeous. lt's just that it's... 437 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,154 What? What? 438 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:07,952 It's still too small. 439 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,548 Well, that's because l'm going to get thinner. 440 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,511 I'm going to get thinner than this. 441 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,676 Sweetheart, can I ask you something? 442 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,075 Will you stop doing that and listen? 443 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,476 Do you think attention can become addictive? 444 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,956 I wouldn't want that to happen to me. 445 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,514 I wouldn't want that. 446 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,949 Also, sweetheart, darling, darling. 447 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,640 Mummy's worried because I don't want you to worry 448 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,751 when they start saying she's too thin. 449 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:37,348 All right? Because it is inevitable. Now, film Mama leaving. 450 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,152 Mum, please. - Film me leaving. 451 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,635 Stop being so selfish and film me leaving! 452 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,557 Come on, darling. Come on. 453 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,633 Come on, darling. 454 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:47,159 Am I in shot? 455 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,077 Yes. You're filling the screen. 456 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,831 Well, zoom out, zoom out. 457 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,916 Here I come. Here I come. Ready? 458 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,039 Here she comes 459 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,596 The most beautiful girl in the world 460 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,836 Pah! She's the right one... 461 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,279 Follow me, follow me. 462 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:04,879 She's the bright one 463 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,195 That's Edini. 464 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,274 Hi. 465 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,711 Da da! - Oh, Eddie. 466 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,877 I think I can just squeeze in. 467 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,549 No, I can't. Can you just shift it slightly? That's it. 468 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,639 Well done! - Thank you. 469 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,797 There, i've said it. Personal detox complete. 470 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,229 Cheers, cheers, cheers. - Well done, Eddie. 471 00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:36,271 Did you lose weight? - Oh? 472 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,233 Yeah. This is my first drink. - What's your secret? 473 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:40,714 Well, the thing is... 474 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,432 No. not now, Eddie, not now. 475 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,074 Well done, but now just get on with your life. 476 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,839 I agree. - You can't make it your life. 477 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,314 Absolutely. 478 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,115 Slimming is just... it's overrated. All those reinvented ones. 479 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,356 They get thin, get PR, dump their husbands, 480 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,631 then they're found all alone with their bones sticking out. 481 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,638 Why this body obsession? When did we get like this? 482 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,318 It's sex, sex. 483 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,398 Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! - But why? 484 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,717 Would the word orifice help at this point? 485 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,354 Everyone wants to get screwed. No mystery. 486 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,311 The old ones should wear more clothes. 487 00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,910 Yeah. Or get pissed, then don't look at what you're tupping. 488 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,960 This is so Sex ln The City, isn't it? 489 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,639 I hate that show. 490 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,876 Which one am I? - The nice one. 491 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,433 I'm Sarah Jessica Parker. 492 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,279 What? 493 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,231 You're still too fat! 494 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,995 Wheels on fire 495 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:44,192 Rolling down the road 496 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:48,632 Best notify my next of kin 497 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:54,710 This wheel shall explode! 498 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,470 Still, it doesn't really matter, does it, 499 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,388 'cause, you know, fat or thin, you still love me, don't you? 500 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:18,554 Darling? 501 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,159 Saff? Saff? 502 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:21,554 Saff? 503 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,315 Biscuits to dunk! Biscuits to... 504 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:28,479 This wheel shall explode! 37798

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