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1
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hI! This is me.
2
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This is my camera.
3
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This is detox.
4
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,079
I'm two weeks in,
5
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,510
and I've got...
Just got the one week to go.
6
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I've lost quite a lot of weight already.
7
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I'm feeling a little, you know, spaced.
8
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But I've got a little thinner.
Look at this.
9
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Look at this. Look at body, body, body.
10
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Body a bit thinner.
11
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:32,479
Um...
12
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,714
I'm going to show you the before,
so you can see what I was like before.
13
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,193
Here we go.
14
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,112
Here's my before.
15
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,437
Tits... I don't think
I've ever seen down there before.
16
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,597
I can see underneath my tits, my titties.
17
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,229
Have a look and see what that looks like.
18
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,874
This is better. I didn't like that last day one.
19
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,515
This is day one.
This is where it will start.
20
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,196
This is better. Day one.
21
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,389
Wheels on fire
22
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:22,673
Rolling down the road
23
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Best notify my next of kin
24
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:33,116
This wheel shall explode!
25
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,715
I've been keeping a diary
of my progress, so we'll see how it goes.
26
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:42,436
And it all started the night before
the day you've just seen - day one -
27
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,710
on a girls' night out.
28
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,952
Which is every night
'cause no one's ever got a man.
29
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,111
I mean, look at these men in here.
30
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These are successful men
and look at their women.
31
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Carers!
- Hostesses, not wives.
32
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,273
A successful man - and they are
the only attractive ones -
33
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does not want a successful wife.
34
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,392
Not a matter of want.
Even a successful woman needs a wife.
35
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,112
Someone to be there for them.
36
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:06,912
Look at these.
- Trophy wives.
37
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,077
Trophy wives. They're women
who filter the world for them
38
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,873
as though it's a sort of complete mystery.
39
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,798
They choose the tie and hide things
around the house
40
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,876
so that only they know where they are.
41
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,797
I've done that!
- Bloody hell.
42
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,309
You know the ones I hate?
The ones at parties.
43
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,829
Go to a party,
you want to meet the man - no!
44
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,112
She's got to take you over to him.
Come and meet him. He adores you.
45
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,231
That sounds like some good friends of mine.
46
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:32,952
Itt makes a man feel cherished.
47
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,399
Cherished?
48
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,950
They're just manipulating the world,
49
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,310
so it's a complete bloody mystery to him.
50
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,556
She's the only one who will ever understand
51
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,116
this extraordinarily complicated
menu that she has written.
52
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,754
Before you know it, they're all film producers.
53
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:52,395
Darling, it's no mystery.
Come on, Eddie, tuck in.
54
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,752
It's no mystery. Two winners
don't get on. It just doesn't work.
55
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,632
It's the same in all relationships.
56
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,548
If you put racehorses together,
they kick the shit out of each other.
57
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,477
Tom and Nicole. Bruce and Demi.
58
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,874
Liam and Noel.
59
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,274
Disaster.
60
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,029
What a racehorse wants is a donkey -
a little donkey,
61
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,752
a goat, a little companion.
62
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,039
I need a slash.
63
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,396
It's the same in all relationships.
64
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,916
This little glib phrase
that Patsy says like that, but...
65
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,918
Why didn't I feel good enough about myself
66
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,156
to think that I could be the racehorse?
67
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,317
I think i'm the donkey.
l don't want to be the fat donkey.
68
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,953
I want to be the racehorse.
69
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,073
I suppose it's not impossible
for two donkeys to get on.
70
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,754
I think you're horrid because
if you perceive others as failures,
71
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,916
it makes you feel better about yourself.
72
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,316
Well done.
- Nonsense. That's magazine speak.
73
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,237
No. I wrote about it in an article.
74
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,713
In a magazine.
75
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,196
You have no idea of the pressures
I've been under.
76
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:02,076
You dance like an angel
on the pinhead of success for so long,
77
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,237
and the moment you're out
of the spotlight, they cut you down.
78
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,194
But I think you'll find I was always
generous in my professional life.
79
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,074
You ask people who worked with me.
80
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,196
Dawn French!
81
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,834
I'm going to have your guts for garters.
82
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,673
Horrible!
83
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,190
Well, everyone has their crutches.
Security blankets.
84
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,992
Being mean is yours.
85
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,756
I've got one of those by my cooker.
86
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,348
No, no. That's a fire blanket.
- Oh, right.
87
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,913
Toss!
- Exactly.
88
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,679
I mean, not everybody has them.
I haven't got one.
89
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:48,149
Oh, don't worry, Eddie.
- What are you talking about? What?
90
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:49,873
You're fat.
91
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,359
Fat!
92
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,040
Surely you can see that. We can't miss it.
93
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,952
What's yours, Patsy?
- Well, it's obvious.
94
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,310
What?
- It's your fringe.
95
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,431
Oh! The 60s forelock.
96
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,438
Push it back. Let's see
what you look like under there.
97
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,639
No, don't touch me.
98
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,432
No!
- Come on.
99
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:14,959
For heaven's sake, Patsy.
100
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,036
No!
101
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,149
These things can't be taken too quickly.
102
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,789
At least you can pin your fringe back,
103
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,879
whereas you can't pin your fat back.
104
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:31,514
You are mean!
105
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,670
Epiphany!
You see, that was the kickstart.
106
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,838
I wanted to fit in those stalls
with the racehorses.
107
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:42,032
So I decided to reinvent myself -
restyle myself.
108
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:46,631
The new svelte, tanned, smooth,
luggageless me.
109
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,718
There was something about it,
I don't know what it was.
110
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,354
There was just something about that word.
111
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,518
Detox!
- I want to detox.
112
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,551
It's just another fad.
- I agree.
113
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,911
No one diets any more.
You're not fat, just full of toxins.
114
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,712
Just full of poison.
115
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,478
Well, that's not news.
116
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,998
Now, look, this is my book.
117
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,189
I can work upside-down.
Plenty of practice with Blue Peter.
118
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,794
Now, it's basically just eat meat
and drink water till you need a B12.
119
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,990
Drink water.
- So no more booze.
120
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,197
What about exercise?
121
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:23,673
No one's going to the gym,
122
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,234
so l want to do the one that, you know...
123
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,872
Mum, this is madness.
- Darling, this is my life!
124
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,992
In three weeks, I want to be
on the cusp of organ failure.
125
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,997
Good for you!
126
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,795
I want my body just to be
a relief map of veins.
127
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,675
I want to be an X-ray with a pulse.
128
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,876
Even your cells can't eat that fast.
129
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,468
Eddie, we hate these women.
- Do we?
130
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,673
Looking as though you've shoved
your tits into a pencil sharpener.
131
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,158
It's all right for you.
You've always looked like that.
132
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,589
You're probably like me, Patsy.
133
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,757
I mean, sometimes l just forget to eat.
134
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,510
Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.
135
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,478
Well, there was that crisp.
- Oh, yes, the crisp.
136
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,911
Poor old Patsy.
She couldn't keep anything down.
137
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,794
She lost most of her back teeth
to stomach acid.
138
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,430
At least I didn't drink my own piddle.
139
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,632
That was a very mean trick.
140
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,671
I hope that was my piddle, was it?
141
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,673
I've done every diet. l've done
the hay diet, the cabbage diet.
142
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,279
The blood group diet,
143
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,870
where you have to eat the food
your ancestors would have gathered.
144
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,072
My ancestors were whale gatherers -
thanks to you!
145
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,317
I've done combining...
- Combining food with alcohol.
146
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,714
Three meals a day
is what you should stick to.
147
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,432
Three good meals a day!
148
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,273
And then they had sex!
There, that's a good scene!
149
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,229
Your stomach's like a dog that doesn't
know when it's going to be fed,
150
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,351
so it hangs around until you want to kick it.
151
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,796
That is it. That is it!
152
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:26,356
I am going to do this.
I am going to get thin.
153
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,516
Witness. Witness. Witness. Witness.
154
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:32,076
Come on. Come on. Come on, let's go.
155
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,511
All right. Three bird knees. Here we go.
156
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,437
Three bird knees. Up in the air.
157
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,472
Squat, then star jump.
Squat thrust, then star jump.
158
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,033
Come on!
159
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,310
Come on! Keep moving.
160
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,317
Come on!
161
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,590
Come on.
- I've got snot all over my face!
162
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,393
You will never get there if you don't do it.
163
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,988
I can't do it!
- Just do it.
164
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,953
Up you come. Well done.
Down you go. good stuff.
165
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,479
Move on.
166
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,239
and on the bar, chest on the bar,
167
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,669
and down and up...
168
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,472
It's enormous!
169
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,152
Come on, concentrate.
- Come on. Third time lucky.
170
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,191
Come on. Let's do it again.
171
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,119
Come on!
172
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,590
Eddie.
- Don't!
173
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,233
Cheers, darling.
174
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:35,679
Don't!
175
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,795
Don't want it. Don't want it. Don't want it.
176
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:44,151
I don't want it.
- Good for you, Mum.
177
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,316
You've changed your tune, darling.
178
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,558
Anyway, I'm going to be thin.
179
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,875
I'm going to do thin things, you know.
180
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,956
I want to be sort of eri bendy.
181
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,711
I want to be sort of hip hanging.
182
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,150
I'd like to take my clothes off
and not be marked by them.
183
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,911
I never thought it worried you.
184
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,715
Yeah. 90% of awake time and 100%
of sleep time I worry about it.
185
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,229
Eddie, you look fine. You dress like...
186
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,510
A fat billboard. l know!
187
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:19,315
Is that why you wear labels,
so the designer takes the blame?
188
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,073
Clunk clunk!
189
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,998
It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.
190
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,839
DKY bosoms. Not mine.
191
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,317
Dolce and Gabbana fat thighs. Not mine!
192
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,510
Oh, Eddie, this is no fun.
193
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,677
l know it's no fun, darling,
but it's dieting. I have to diet.
194
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,392
Must think about dieting.
195
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:39,999
What are you eating?
196
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,315
What are you doing today while I'm dieting?
197
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,557
I met an old school friend,
so he's coming round later.
198
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,399
I met him at the Royal Court.
I finished my play...
199
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:50,794
Oh?
- Oh.
200
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,798
They might be doing it
as a workshop in the studio.
201
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,273
Oooh!
202
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,789
If he's at all good-looking, have sex with him.
203
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,150
I'm worried your business
is going to heal over.
204
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,633
Hello.
- Hey, how are you? Fantastic.
205
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,078
Wow! Like it.
206
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,638
I cannot believe we met like that.
- I knew it was you immediately.
207
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,512
You haven't changed.
- neither have you.
208
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,874
Wow.
209
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,433
Very nice.
- Yeah.
210
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:31,235
So what side of the business
did you say you were on again?
211
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,318
Oh, l'm a writer. l wrote something
for the Edinburgh...
212
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,513
Yes, please. And, well,
the Royal Court are really interested,
213
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,312
so they want to workshop it.
214
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:44,319
Well, it's a piece
about social struggle and sort of...
215
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,431
Sorry. You are a writer, so...
- Yeah.
216
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,949
Yeah. hey, I'm an actor. Bear me in mind.
217
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,188
Great.
- What are you working on now?
218
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,710
Were we in the same class at school?
Because I thought...
219
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,592
Same year, yeah.
- Yeah.
220
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,029
You sat next to me in Maths.
221
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,071
Hey, Maths. Love it, yeah.
222
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,872
Yeah, of course.
223
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,712
Anyway, what did you say you did again?
224
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,273
Oh, yeah.
225
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,676
Well, you know, my agent's
being very protective at the moment,
226
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,679
not letting me take stuff
in case it interferes with the big plan.
227
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,594
Which is?
228
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,154
Oh, you know. Movies, L.A., whatever.
229
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:30,433
Patsy was experimenting
with hairstyle variety.
230
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:34,109
Great. Are those for me? Thanks.
231
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,235
You look nice.
- What? What?
232
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,917
I don't know how they get people
to go to these parties.
233
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,679
It's cocaine.
234
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,791
Lines inside means lines outside.
235
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,798
Donatella is a genius.
236
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,835
And I said, "What's that sound?"
237
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,350
And he said, "That, Taylor,
is the sound of doors opening."
238
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:16,315
And i've been practically...
knee-deep in scripts ever since.
239
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,113
But you are so right. Relationships suffer.
240
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,596
You must know. You're a writer.
You know, two-way traffic.
241
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,119
Have you got a girlfriend?
242
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,673
Ex-girlfriend, yeah.
243
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,234
Singer-dancer, Shelagh Kidron?
244
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,670
of? Starlight Express?
245
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:32,919
No.
246
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,076
Are they? You? Yeah?
- No, I don't.
247
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,668
May I?
- Oh, yes. Please, yes. Sorry.
248
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,753
Anyway, just er...
249
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,113
couple for later.
250
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,392
Racehorse and donkey.
251
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,512
It's a glib phrase, but racehorse and donkey.
252
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,518
Once you've figured it out,
the world makes sense.
253
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,319
Yes, i know.
254
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,000
I'm telling you now, he's an absolute stud.
255
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,119
Bye.
- Candy!
256
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,550
Darling. How are you doing?
- Fine. You?
257
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,717
Very good. The Daily Express
has got pics of that pool boy
258
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,558
sucking my tits in St Lucia.
259
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,951
Winston?
- Oh, yeah.
260
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,388
Lovely.
261
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,671
Darling, do you want
to have lunch or something?
262
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,348
I can't. I'm meeting an old school friend.
263
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,277
Minge!
- Candy!
264
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,270
Oh, don't worry. I've got it covered.
265
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,993
Take him. he smells of poo.
- Come to Auntie Minge, sweetie.
266
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,953
Yeah. And the snail had his own trailer, so...
267
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,279
What snail?
- Snail had his own trailer.
268
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,711
ln the Doc. The Doctor.
- Doctor who?
269
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,394
No, no. Doolittle. Dr Doolittle.
270
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,395
When I... I toured in it, yeah?
271
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,750
Oh, terrific numbers. Did you see it?
272
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,154
Er, no.
273
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,511
Put me on the map.
Talk to the animals... Show stopper.
274
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,392
Stopped the show.
Well... if you don't count the snail.
275
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,511
There were some big rounds for the snail.
276
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,835
Giant snail, so big er...
277
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,955
big bastard, but a lot of the animals...
278
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,952
The animals -
beautifully crafted animatronics.
279
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,357
Look, Taylor. Sorry, the time...
I've got to write.
280
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,870
Absolutely. Yeah, I'm with you.
281
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,833
Let's make like sheep
and get the flock out of here.
282
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,952
10-9, yeah. Could I just
quickly borrow your phone?
283
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,116
Yeah, of course. To call a cab?
284
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,231
No, actually, l just want to ring L.A.
285
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,112
Going to L.A. next week
286
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,834
and I just want to page myself
in a restaurant...
287
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,875
Get on the wire before I'm out there.
288
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,874
Well done.
289
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,788
Battery's gone. I'm off.
I've got dinner with Carol Vorderman.
290
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,115
You did really brilliant today.
- Yeah.
291
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,753
Night night, darling.
292
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,558
I will do it!
293
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,157
Oh, Eddie! Eddie!
294
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,634
Hello.
295
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,512
Eddie, you need a drink, darling.
296
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,279
I don't need a drink.
I'm all right. How are you doing?
297
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,550
How are you doing with this?
- All right.
298
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,194
What's the point of this?
Let's have some fun.
299
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,118
I've got to do it.
- Just one drink downstairs.
300
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,514
You go ahead.
301
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,276
It was very nice meeting you again.
302
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,472
Absolutely great, and bear me
in mind with the writing.
303
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,279
Oh, I say!
304
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,154
Care to share a cab with me somewhere?
305
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,872
Hey. Absolutely not.
306
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,156
Sweetheart? Pats?
307
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,829
Oh, I must eat! I must eat!
I want to eat something.
308
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,555
Stay calm. Just calm. Just relax.
Just stay.
309
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,312
Think about your hip bone.
Oh, there's a hip bone.
310
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,433
Where's my hip bone gone?
It was here! It was here!
311
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,232
My hip bone.
312
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,473
God...
313
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,552
You gave me epiphany
and now you have forsaken me.
314
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,317
The morning sun touched lightly
315
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,513
On the eye of Lucy Jordan
316
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,515
In a white suburban bedroom
317
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:55,110
In a white suburban town
318
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,515
As she lay there 'neath the covers
319
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,356
Dreaming of a thousand lovers
320
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,390
Till the world turned to orange
321
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:12,196
And the room went spinning round
322
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,435
At the age of 47
323
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,157
She realised she'd never
324
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,192
Ride through Paris
325
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,799
In a sports car
326
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,708
With the warm wind in her hair
327
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,470
So she let the phone keep ringing
328
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,628
As she sat there softly singing
329
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,833
Pretty nursery rhymes
she'd memorised
330
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,635
In her daddy's easy chair.
331
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,272
I must say, you're doing rather well, darling.
332
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,356
I never thought you had it in you.
333
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,836
I'm singing this for you
because I know you like it.
334
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,758
Of course. You started that.
335
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,073
Patsy's one of mine.
What are you doing here?
336
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,191
This one is with me.
337
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,518
Did you suggest this diet?
338
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,315
lt's not a diet. It's a detox.
339
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,910
Why do you keep coming up
with these things?
340
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,998
It plays on their vanity
and I gave them that.
341
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,838
No. You gave them self-hatred.
342
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,269
Oh, whatever. They love a diet.
343
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,630
In the world of self-loathing,
344
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,479
The Barbie Doll reigns supreme.
345
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,752
Oh, don't get heavy.
It's a shallow world now.
346
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,679
I know. Nothing can develop any more.
347
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,588
They just want freshly-popped
foetus bodies
348
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,188
and sex doll faces.
349
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,629
I mean, look at the art...
350
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,319
Oh, do stop!
351
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,637
This is a world
where Carol Vorderman is a sex symbol
352
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,877
and St Tropez is a bottle of fake tan.
353
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,399
I love it!
354
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,273
They won't have any use
for you and me soon.
355
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,350
Frankly, I'm bored.
What's the point of me if i'm acceptable?
356
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,995
In China, they're putting
girl babies in dustbins
357
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,758
as a matter of routine...
358
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,791
Now who's getting heavy?
359
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,390
It's so not 2001.
360
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,594
I just wish everybody could love each other.
361
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,871
That was such an attractive idea.
362
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,878
Mmm. Fancy a drink or something?
363
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,000
Have you ever cut your fringe?
- No. You?
364
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:34,719
I will if you will.
365
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,035
No. I will if you will.
- No.
366
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,873
Oh, sweetheart.
367
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,911
Oh, oh, oh!
368
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:51,879
Oh.
369
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:55,754
Sweetheart.
370
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,874
Oh, darling, I need food.
371
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,558
Food.
372
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,752
Oh, darling, I nearly died last night, darling.
373
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:09,276
In fact, I think i'm pretty close
to death now, sweetheart.
374
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,359
Mum, you're not.
- How do you know?
375
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,357
I'm looking at you. You look fine.
376
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,189
Look fine. I know what that means.
That means I still look fat!
377
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:23,551
You have lost a lot of weight.
Not that that's important.
378
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,114
I know i've lost a lot of weight,
but not enough!
379
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,390
I want to eat! I knew this would never work.
380
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,830
It is working. Stop being a victim
and take control!
381
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,429
I'm a fat person, that's the end of it!
382
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,834
Me!
383
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,436
The woman who got stuck
on an eating loop in Yo! Sushi.
384
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,597
I mean, honestly,
if they keep it coming round
385
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,109
of course i'm going to eat it, aren't I?!
386
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,672
I'll get you something.
387
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,314
Something. God, this is such hard work!
388
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,795
How does Geri bloody Halliwell do it, eh?
389
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,512
How does she do that?
390
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,872
This isn't lovely fun, jumpy,
lovely day, lots of energy, fun.
391
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,710
This is horrible, painful, funless grind.
392
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,150
Welcome to my world.
393
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,873
Not my world.
394
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,918
I tell you what i'm going to do.
395
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,315
I'm going to get a body double for life.
396
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,510
Yeah. Then I can eat what I want.
397
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,911
I mean, they do it in the movies.
398
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,510
You can be the star of the film
and someone else does all the body bits.
399
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,119
That's what I want.
400
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,393
I'm going to the fridge. Don't stop me, darling.
401
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:36,999
Don't stop me!
402
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,032
'Cause I'm going to the fridge, sweetheart!
403
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,755
Fine. I'm not going to stop you.
This is what you always do.
404
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,475
Everyone else takes over -
takes responsibility. Well, I won't.
405
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,750
You do it and you face the consequences.
406
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,952
Fat or thin, you are a nightmare
of selfishness!
407
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,519
Mum.
408
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,509
Mum. You just opened the fridge
without heaving your whole body.
409
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,555
What?
- There's a lump.
410
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,875
Where?
- A lump here. Feel that.
411
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,433
What is that? Aah!
412
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:42,598
What is that?
413
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,119
Mum, it's a muscle.
414
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,389
That? That's a muscle?
415
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:51,873
I've got a muscle?!
416
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,434
Ring Katy Grin, tell her i've got a muscle!
417
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,596
Ring Pats! Tell her i've got a muscle.
418
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,790
Sweetheart, have I got another? No, no.
419
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,831
Feel that. I've got a muscle. Feel it.
420
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,349
Don't push it away! Don't push it away!
421
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,239
Just feel it.
422
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:07,874
Ring them up. Tell them i've got a muscle.
423
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,355
You can do it!
- I can do it!
424
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,712
Upper arms! Punch, punch, punch!
425
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,480
To me. Punch! Great. That is fantastic.
426
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,750
Think of Planet Thin, Planet Thin.
That's it! That's it!
427
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:24,874
Ha!
428
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,879
So here I am, minus a stone of toxin.
429
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,233
Feeling pretty good.
430
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,753
Sniffing the old O2
and ingesting the wheatgerm
431
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,111
and about to be tanned, pummelled
and scrubbed,
432
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,276
and I shall be ready to go.
433
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,639
What do you think?
434
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,716
Is that dress new?
435
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,671
Yeah, yeah. Do you love it?
436
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,758
It's gorgeous. lt's just that it's...
437
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,154
What? What?
438
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:07,952
It's still too small.
439
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,548
Well, that's because l'm going to get thinner.
440
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,511
I'm going to get thinner than this.
441
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,676
Sweetheart, can I ask you something?
442
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,075
Will you stop doing that and listen?
443
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,476
Do you think attention
can become addictive?
444
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,956
I wouldn't want that to happen to me.
445
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,514
I wouldn't want that.
446
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,949
Also, sweetheart, darling, darling.
447
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,640
Mummy's worried
because I don't want you to worry
448
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,751
when they start saying she's too thin.
449
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:37,348
All right? Because it is inevitable.
Now, film Mama leaving.
450
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,152
Mum, please.
- Film me leaving.
451
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,635
Stop being so selfish
and film me leaving!
452
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,557
Come on, darling. Come on.
453
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,633
Come on, darling.
454
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:47,159
Am I in shot?
455
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,077
Yes. You're filling the screen.
456
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,831
Well, zoom out, zoom out.
457
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,916
Here I come. Here I come. Ready?
458
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,039
Here she comes
459
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,596
The most beautiful girl in the world
460
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,836
Pah! She's the right one...
461
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,279
Follow me, follow me.
462
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:04,879
She's the bright one
463
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,195
That's Edini.
464
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,274
Hi.
465
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,711
Da da!
- Oh, Eddie.
466
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,877
I think I can just squeeze in.
467
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,549
No, I can't. Can you just shift it
slightly? That's it.
468
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,639
Well done!
- Thank you.
469
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,797
There, i've said it.
Personal detox complete.
470
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,229
Cheers, cheers, cheers.
- Well done, Eddie.
471
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:36,271
Did you lose weight?
- Oh?
472
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,233
Yeah. This is my first drink.
- What's your secret?
473
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:40,714
Well, the thing is...
474
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,432
No. not now, Eddie, not now.
475
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,074
Well done, but now just get on with your life.
476
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,839
I agree.
- You can't make it your life.
477
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,314
Absolutely.
478
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,115
Slimming is just... it's overrated.
All those reinvented ones.
479
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,356
They get thin, get PR, dump their husbands,
480
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,631
then they're found all alone
with their bones sticking out.
481
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,638
Why this body obsession?
When did we get like this?
482
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,318
It's sex, sex.
483
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,398
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!
- But why?
484
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,717
Would the word orifice help at this point?
485
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,354
Everyone wants to get screwed. No mystery.
486
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,311
The old ones should wear more clothes.
487
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,910
Yeah. Or get pissed, then don't
look at what you're tupping.
488
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,960
This is so Sex ln The City, isn't it?
489
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,639
I hate that show.
490
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,876
Which one am I?
- The nice one.
491
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,433
I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
492
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,279
What?
493
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,231
You're still too fat!
494
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,995
Wheels on fire
495
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:44,192
Rolling down the road
496
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:48,632
Best notify my next of kin
497
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:54,710
This wheel shall explode!
498
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,470
Still, it doesn't really matter, does it,
499
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,388
'cause, you know, fat or thin,
you still love me, don't you?
500
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:18,554
Darling?
501
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,159
Saff? Saff?
502
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:21,554
Saff?
503
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,315
Biscuits to dunk! Biscuits to...
504
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:28,479
This wheel shall explode!
37798
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