All language subtitles for The.Conners.S01E10.Dont.Shoot.The.Piano.Teacher.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

♪♪

Well, when I'm old,
I'll always have these

silent lunches
to look back on.

So, before I go over
and help Aunt Jackie and Becky

with the baby shower, um...

I'll just do that.

I wanted to tell you guys that,
um, I've been seeing someone.

Yeah, we already
figured that out

because of all the recent
neglect and everything.

Oh, yeah,
that's my bad.

I've always tried to maintain
a steady level of neglect.

But I haven't brought
anybody home until now

because I didn't want you
to meet anyone

unless it was serious.

Oh,
so there were other guys

that you
weren't serious about

that you were sleeping with
and we didn't know?

No, besides Ben,

I am proud to say
that I haven't slept with anyone

except your dad
and one other man.

What about Neil?

Oh, and one more, yeah.

Um...wait, how did you
know about Neil?

He's called a couple times
on the landline

crying about
how you broke up with him.

I told him you were nothing
special and he should move on.

Oh.
Hurtful, but helpful.

Um, so Ben is coming
to dinner tomorrow night,

and I just want
you guys to be cool.

Ben will never be my daddy.
Never.

Is all the sex worth this?

[ Laughs ] Psych!

Ha!

Nice.

Uh...there's enough money
for one of you to go to college.

Fight it out.

It's about time
you came over.

Jackie wants a DJ
for the baby shower,

and I think
I should have a live band.

What do you think?

I think my baby shower

was a cake and a card
that said "Get Well Soon,"

so quit your bitchin'.

All right, moving on.
We got to hurry up here.

It's only a week
till the shower.

What's the big hurry?
She's not even showing yet.

I got to get the loot now.
This is a geriatric pregnancy.

If I even walk fast,
I could knock it loose.

It's not a tooth.

It doesn't come out
if you bite into an apple.

Hola, Emilio.
Can I get a water?

And I'll have
an horchata with rum.

Una agua y
uno "Cuban Missile Crisis."

Te escucha hablar sobre
el baby shower.

No, no,
English, Emilio.

We've been working hard.
Let's hear it.

I'm sorry,
Professor Jackie.

I would like to go
to my baby shower,

but I think Becky
is not wanting me there.

Oh, well, that's 'cause
she doesn't know

what a good man you are.

You just come
and bring a nice gift.

Something that says, "Lighten
up. Half that baby's mine."

-Hi, guys.
-Hey, Blue.

I love this hair.
What the hell
is Blue doing here?

That's Blue?
She's attractive.

I guess David
doesn't have a type.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey, Blue.

Um, this is my sister Becky
and my aunt Jackie.

Uh,
what you doing here?

Well, I heard about
your sister's shower,

and I just wanted to say

that I'm part of
a women's blessing-way group

where we perform ceremonies
that pamper mothers-to-be.

And we would love to come.

Oh, darn, too late.

We already locked down
the theme,

which is teddy bears
and teacups.

And the shower color
is SpongeBob yellow.

So there's nothing
left to do.

Yeah, a-and it's just gonna be
Becky's friends and family.

Very small group.
People who have been invited.

You understand.

Hold on. Do these people
bring gifts?

Of course.
Store-bought gifts?

Or just a rock with the word
"Peace" painted on it?

Store-bought, with gift receipts
so you can get the cash.

Move over, Darlene.

Move!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

Ben is nothing short
of a visionary.

I mean, publishing
an indie tabloid

like Lock 'Em Up in King County,

a financially long-suffering
community

that loves to see others fail?

Please.

What I like to see is some
hot-shot from the mayor's office

get caught doing something
sketchy in the park.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Back when I was on the force,
I'd be the bait.

Um...

But my -- my biggest collar
was Kit & Kat...

...Lanford's legendary married
real-estate team.

They'd do anything
to sell you a house.

They'd also do anything
to get some strange

to spice up
their sick marriage.

Aunt Jackie,
they're kids.

I left out that
they were murdered in prison.

Um, I got to
go meet Peter,

but it was very nice
meeting you, Ben.

Yes.

[ Door opens, closes ]

You got a crazy aunt
in your family?

[ Chuckles ] Well,
I was gonna say, "Yeah."

But now that I saw that,
I'm just gonna call her my aunt.

[ Laughs ]

Uh, just so you know, we're not
always this fun and exciting.

Kids,
tell him about your day.

Well, my music teacher said
that I have perfect pitch

and, if I learn
to play an instrument,

she'll put me in
the school orchestra next year.

Oh.

Can I learn piano?

Piano lessons cost
a lot of money.

But hey, nobody's using
that harmonica

we found on the bus.
[ Tab pops ]

On the bus?

I thought it tasted
like tobacco.

Well, Ben,
don't you play piano?

I do, and I have
a portable keyboard.

I'd be happy to come over
and teach Mark.

No charge, but you
got to be willing

to work hard and practice.

Absolutely.
Is it okay with you, Mom?

Sure.
I mean, normally,

I'd be uncomfortable with
somebody doing this for free,

but my boss doesn't pay me
squat, so thank you.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

So? What did you think
of Ben?

He's got a great job,

a sense of humor,
one hell of a beard,

and the kids
seem to like him.

But I guess you'll know more
after the piano lesson, huh?

What are
you talking about?

I think an opportunity
to test him

fell right in your lap
and you're taking it.

No, I'm just gonna watch
how Ben and Mark interact,

and then act accordingly
based on the result.

So if you want to call
that a test, well, okay,

'cause that's exactly
what it is.

I-I know you want to see what
kind of a stepdad he might be,

but why don't you
just tell him that

instead of treating him
like a lab rat?

Because then he'll just
treat the kids nicely.

Nobody wants that.

♪♪

This isn't
a real baby shower.

We should be microwaving
candy bars into diapers

so people can sniff 'em
and guess what's inside.

I've had enough of this.

Okay, ladies,
it is time to play a super-fun,

more-traditional
baby-shower game called...

"Tinkle in the Pot"!

We'll get it going like this.
Here's my nickel.

And we got to get to the pot.

How much fun is that?
[ Applause ]

Who's next?

Or we could empower Becky

by sharing beautiful
birth experiences.

Darlene?

Oh. Sure.

Um...well,
they knocked me out,

and I woke up with a kid
and a 12-inch scar.

And then, the crazy thing is,
five years later I did it again.

You're lucky, Darlene.

Some women
never get to experience

the gift
of having a child,

because they have partners
who already have kids

and refuse [voice breaking]
to consider having more.

Sorry.
[ Sniffles ]

[ Whimpers ]

That's strange.

I thought it was gonna be really
noisy when I took these off.

[ Blue sniffles, sighs ]

You okay?

David doesn't want to
have any more children.

And I'm pretty sure
it's because

he thinks you'll be mad if he
raises another family with me.

Can you just tell him
you're okay with it?

[ Scoffs ] Wait,
you want me to tell David

to have another set of kids
that'll take more attention

away from my kids?

That would be great,
thank you.

You know there's no way
I'm gonna do that.

I took the bus here.
Can you give me a ride home?

Uh, buses
don't go both ways?

All right.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Cheering ]

Geena, you're up.

No, let me think.

Do I really want to
humiliate myself

for the chance to win
a Bath & Body Works

country-apple
shower gel?

Hell yeah, I will.
[ Laughs ]

Hey, everybody,
the strippers are here!

[ Cheering ]

Jackie:
Hey, it's Emilio.

I hope you don't mind, but he
just really wanted to be here.

I made this for the baby.
[ Gasps ]

My papá made me one
just like this

when I was little, with wood
from a very, very old tree.

Uh, this wood comes
from Lowe's.

Lowe's.
That's good wood.

Thank you, Emilio.
I appreciate it.

So...I guess I'll
see you at work tomorrow.

Oh. Uh...okay.

E-Enjoy your party.

Can I talk
to you for a second?

I can't believe
you just did that.

I can't believe
you invited him.

You knew I didn't
want him involved.

Uh, well, I'm sorry, but he's
the father and he's a great guy.

Wait a minute.
That's the baby's father?

We are not talking
about this, Dad.

[ Exhales sharply ]
Thanks a lot.

Mm.

Hey, I've seen him
in here before.

He's the busboy, right?
Yeah.

What do you know
about him?

Well, I know
that he's hardworking,

he's a devout Catholic,

and he's offered to give Becky
what little money that he has.

Is he here illegally?

Well, who cares if he's illegal?
Who cares if he's a busboy?

A lot of people
with difficult beginnings

have risen above
their station in life, Dan.

I mean,
nobody in our family,

but I've read about it,
and it's pretty inspirational

when it happens!

All right, come on.
Let's hear your D-major scale.

[ Plays choppy scale ]

Uh, did you practice that
at all?

A little, but I got bored.
I wanted to learn a song.

Come on, Mark. Now,
this is two weeks in a row

I have asked you
to learn your scales.

If I wanted you to do songs,
I would have said do songs.

Now let me hear
the scale again.

Okay, I think
I can do better.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Plays choppy scale ]

Mm-hmm. Not better.

Okay,
but can you do this?

[ Plays "The Knuckle Song" ]

Stop.

Look, when I said
I'd do this,

you promised you'd
work hard and practice,

and you haven't
done either.

Now, you said you wanted to
be in the school orchestra.

Well, do you or don't you?
I do.

Well, I can't tell.

So if you are really
serious about this,

start acting like it, because
if you don't take it serious,

you're never
gonna make it.

[ Horn honks ]

[ Voice breaking ]
Enrique's mom is early.

I have to go to soccer practice.
[ Sighs ]

Do you want me
to tell her I'm sick?

No, go to practice.

Today was a waste of time
for both of us.

[ Sniffles ]

You okay, honey?

You have everything you need
for soccer practice?

I'm fine. I got to go.

Ugh.

W-What were you doing?

You were way
too hard on him.

Wait.
[ Imitates blades whirring ]

Do I hear the faint whir of a
helicopter circling your child?

I am not being overprotective.
You made my son cry.

I am sorry that he cried,

but he needed to hear
that he screwed up.

How else
does a kid learn?

Oh, I don't know.

Uh, encouragement,
positive role models.

Cash, if you're tired.

Mark's a sensitive kid.

He responds better
to being rewarded.
[ Sighs ]

Yeah, well, the problem
with rewarding everything

is it's the same
as rewarding nothing.

You want me to give him a trophy
for playing "The Knuckle Song"?

Uh, no, but I didn't expect you
to be the "Whiplash" guy.

Look, coddling Mark

is not gonna prepare him
for the real world.

I think
I'm preparing him just fine.
How?

By teaching him
that he can half-ass things

and still succeed
in life?

Hey, Mark is not a half-asser!
That's Harris!

And you know what?
You're fired.

[ Scoffs ]

It's gonna take me 10 minutes
to break all this stuff down.

It might be a little awkward
unless you help.

That's another way to go.

Emilio, right?

Yes.
And you're Becky's papá.

Uh, she does not want me
in the life of the baby

and you are here to fight me
and drive me away.

I'm not here to fight.

Oh, good, good.

You have the face
of a kind but violent man.

Jackie tells me you
want to help with the baby.

Yes.

What kind of work
can you do?

Oh, I-I can build cars,
make furniture,

work in a factory.

Sadly, all those jobs
went to Mexico.

You ever hang drywall?

Of course.
Any estúpido could hang drywall.

Well, that's about as good
as an interview gets.

How would you like a second job
hanging drywall for me?

Really?
Yes.

I...I accept.

Oh, and also, por favor, uh,
my speaking is not so good.

In Spanish, "estúpido" means
"a smart and respected man."

Look, I got to be
honest with you.

I don't like the way
you got here.

You broke the law

and you could be putting me
in a bad situation,

but I want to help my daughter,
so I have to help you.

I understand.

I expect you to give
a good portion

out of your paycheck
to Becky and the baby.

Yes, yes, of course.

Okay.
[ Muttering ]

Here's the address.

And I will see you
tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m.

I will be there.
Okay.

Oh, and for the record,

if we were gonna fight,
I'd mop the floor with you.

[ Piano notes playing ]

Hey.

How was soccer practice?

Okay.

Listen, um...

I know what happened
with Ben this afternoon,

and I don't
want you to worry.

I canceled
the piano lessons.

What? Why would
you do that?
Huh?

I had a "You're welcome"
all loaded up and ready to go.

I don't want to stop
the lessons.

Call Ben
and get him back.

But he made you cry.

No, he didn't.

I cried because
I was mad at myself.

He's trying to help me
get into the orchestra

and I didn't
practice my scales.

Yeah, but you taught
yourself a song.

That's pretty great.

You think everything
I do is great.

So when you say it,
it doesn't mean anything.

Oh, well, if you'll remember
that for Mother's Day,

I'd like to see that
in glitter.

You got to call him back.

Um,
how about you call him

and tell him you
want to continue the lessons

even though your mom
was mostly right

and made a lot
of intelligent points?

Do the hard work, Mom.
It's the only way you learn.

Uh, you say I'm never critical?
That was lame.

That's a lie.
It was very insightful.

It was great,
like everything you do.

Dan!

Oh, what now?

[ Laughs ]
You big softy.

I know you're taking
a big risk with the union

by hiring Emilio,
but I just want to tell you

I think
that you're the best!

When the microwave dings,

that's not only my popcorn
but the end of your time.

You might want to
pick up the pace.
Okay.

So,
isn't Emilio wonderful?

Of course, I was the first
person to see that in him,

but now, while you --
[ Microwave dings ]

And that's all the time
we have for today!

Tune in tomorrow when Dan
changes the locks.

What is wrong
with you people?!

It's bad enough that Aunt Jackie
invited Emilio to the party.

Now you're
giving him a job?

I gave him a job
so he could give you money,

and...I see your point
about Aunt Jackie.

I told both of you
to stop doing this.

Why are you pushing him
into my life?

Because you're being
stubborn and stupid.

I'm sorry.
I'm a life coach.

You're being...overly rooted
and intelligent adjacent.

What is your problem?

You know what my problem is?
I've been doing fine.

So why should I start
depending on somebody

who might not be here
when I need him?

Look, nobody knows
the future.

He could get
deported tomorrow.

He could be around
for another 20 years.

All I'm saying is,
the guy is here now.

And he's the real deal.
Take the help.

Of all the guys
that have, you know,

frolicked in your garden...

...you accidently met one

who's willing to stand by
and raise a flower with you.

I'll think about it, okay?
Thank you.

And by the way,
from what Mom told me,

your garden didn't exactly
have a fence around it.

Oh!

♪♪

Um...

Mark wants more
piano lessons from you.

I think that's all
we need to say about that.

Let's get to work.

[ Laughing ] Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, there is so much
more to say.

I'm -- I'm interested
in hearing how Mark

was able to communicate
his wishes to you

through his
uncontrollable sobbing.

Um, okay, fine.

So he's tougher
than I thought he was.

But you were
way too mean.

Mark's great,
and I think he could

really benefit from
having somebody in his life

that holds him a little bit more
accountable than you do.

Well, that's debatable.

But either way,
when push comes to shove,

I have the final say
because I'm his mother.

Well,
unless you're wrong.

No, I'm pretty positive
I'm the mother.

The point is, I passed
your little test, didn't I?

Oh, I guess that code
wasn't as hard to crack

as I thought it was.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, good.
[ Clears throat ]

Because something big
has come up.

I got an investor
that wants me to relocate

Lock 'Em Up to Chicago.

Oh, wow, that's like
an hour from here.
Mm-hmm.

I mean, driving away
from Lanford sounds really good,

but the drive back's
gonna be pretty depressing.

Hmm.

You know, I've got a way you
could cut down on the commute.

You and the kids
could move in with me.

Wait a second.
Um....

I don't know
if I heard you right.

Are you asking me
to move in with you?

No, but it's a great idea.
What do you say?

I say that sounds amazing.

Yeah.
I know it's a lot.

It's just that, even though
we work together all day,

it feels like I never have
enough time with you.

Yeah, I-I mean,
I feel the same way.

I-I've just got to talk
to my family and my kids.
Yes.

Take your time,
you know.

But not too much time because,
you know, at your age --

Careful.
All right.

Hang on.
You didn't let me finish.

All I was gonna say is,
at your age,

you don't have
a lot of options.

Now, are you ready
to move in?

I'm close.
If you can just call me

"plain" and "sturdy,"
I think that'll seal the deal.

♪♪

Look, I know I've been
a little hard on you,

and I'm sorry.

I get that you want to be
part of the baby's life,

so...maybe we can start
with tiny steps.

Yes. This is
very wonderful news.

How about you give me
your top-four baby names?

Okay...if it's a girl,

Maria...Esmeralda...
Conchita...Esperanza.

Okay.
I'll consider those.

No, that's just
the first one.