All language subtitles for The.Conners.S01E03.There.Wont.Be.Blood.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

♪♪

Hey,
this is a good box.

We got a bloody foot
on a hook...

...and a dissected alien...

...and some tax returns.

Oooooh!

The IRS believes
we have a home office.

Oooooh!

Oh, my God! You guys
are not gonna believe it!

I passed
my driving test!

Apparently,
it's "pass everyone" day.

Come on.
I'm not that bad a driver.

I let you drive home,

and you made
a garbage truck swerve.

You don't see
something that big

up on two wheels
every day.

It's like he was
stopping at every house.

[ Softly ]
That's what they do!

And then, to finish up,

you dragged a traffic cone
most of the way home.

Luckily, that kid's skateboard
broke it loose.

I need a drink.

Becky, where do you keep
the hard stuff?

In Becky.

So, can I use
Grandma's old car now?

Yeah.

But not to drive.

You can sit in it
and play the radio

and go, "Vroom, vroom!"

Your imagination
is a road to anywhere.

[ Imitates
engine revving ]

Well, I really
do need the job.

And, boy,
do I love housecleaning.

It's topless?

Well, that explains
the $40 an hour.

$40 an hour?
Do they take men?

'Cause I'll show off
the girls for that.

Um, I'm gonna have to pass.

But I will give your number
to my sister.

Thank you.

All right, so, since
I've got you guys here together,

I want to show you
my costume.

Disemboweled cheerleader.

Ohhh! Look at you,
all gory and sexy.

Uh, I'm bringing a friend
to the party,

and it looks like
it's starting to be a thing,

so I wanted to show off
a little leg,

a little intestine.

[ Laughs ]

Who's the lucky guy?

His name's Peter.

Both: [ High-pitched ]
Oh! Peter!

I want your opinion.
I do not want you teasing him.

This family has a history
of chasing off

all the unstable men
that I bring into my life,

but Peter's different.

Both: [ High-pitched ]
Oh! Peter!

He's different!

I'm serious --
no teasing.

[ Normal voice ]
Don't worry. We'll be good.

[ Normal voice ]
Yeah, you haven't dated
anyone in, like, forever.

We're not gonna mess with
whatever straggling animal

you've picked off
the back of the herd.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

All right, everybody!
Get in here!

We got to get this photo in
by 9:00.

[ French accent ]
Napoleon Blown-Apart is 'ere...

[ Becky laughs ]
...at your service.

So, what do we get
if we win this Instagram thing?

The scariest family
gets a case of beer

and a 6-foot
everything sub sandwich

from Jack's Liquor & Deli.

Ooh! La bibliothèque!

Becky, um...

not sure what's going on here,
but I love it!

Sharknade...O'Conner.

I nee--
I need more than that.

Sinéad O'Connor
and "Sharknado."

Ohhhh!

Well, the important thing is
you had fun.

[ Laughs ]

Scary J. Blige,
you're in the front.

Show your fangs,
sweetheart.

I dropped them
on the floor.

Give me your fangs,
sweetheart.

Big game hunter,
you're behind the couch.

Lizzie Boredom...

sitting on the arm
of the couch,

staring at your phone.

Really sell
the boredom now.

All right.

Why don't you tell me
about your day?

Why aren't you
in costume?

Oh, I can't. I got
a job interview at McNasty's.

That place where all the waiters
are rude to you?

You are perfect for that.

Mark: Mom!

I just texted a picture

of my Fortnite costume
to Joey.

He told me that since it's based
on a violent video game,

they're not gonna let me
into the school carnival!

Uh, okay, I'm sorry, honey.
I have to run.

I promise you
I will take care of this

as soon as I get home.

No!
This is an emergency!

They banned
a whole bunch of costumes.

You were supposed to
get an e-mail.

A-All right.
Hold on.

Oh. Damn it.
Here it is.

It was important.
Don't you check your e-mails?

I-I missed it.

It was hiding between
"Get in Shape Today"

and "Your Breakfast
May Be Killing You."

Well, this is stupid.

What kind of costumes
are they banning?

It says "No costumes

that perpetuate
negative ethnic stereotypes

or are scary, gory,
or anything that's saddening."

Our whole family
is saddening.

Does that mean
we can't go out anymore?

[ Normal voice ]
It's Halloween for God's sake!

24 hours
without laws or rules!

That's the "Purge" movies,
Dad.

Mom, this isn't fair.

All right, well, don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.

We still have two days
to come up with new costumes.

None of us want to
offend anybody, right?

It just has to be something
other than...

a bandito, a geisha,
zombie, ninja --

Who's offended
by a ninja costume?

I've lived in Lanford
my whole life

and have yet
to run into a ninja.

Oh,
they're out there.

And by the time
you do see them --

pfft -- it's too late.

All right, uh,
I got to go.

Where are my damn keys?

Look, Mark's your kid,
but I know

your mom and I would've fought
this thing tooth and nail.

Look, I don't want to
get into it with these people.

I already owe them money
for Mark's field trip

to the dairy farm
to see how milk is made.

[ Scoffs ]

Chinese kids
are building robots.

Our kids are confused
about what cows do.

Wow.

Look, if you don't want
a problem with the school,

that's one thing,

but tell your son
this is a bunch of P.C. crap.

He ought to be able to wear
whatever he wants.

At least this way, he'll know
he didn't do anything wrong.

I know that you and Mom felt
that way, but maybe I don't.

Some stuff does
cross the line,

and Mark will be completely fine
in a different costume.

Now, I hate to be rude,

but I have to go someplace
and be rude.

So, the food is good,

the benefits are great,
and you eat free.

But, you see,
what makes us different

is our servers make fun
of our customers.

People come here
just to get picked on.

Oh. Well, that's something
I enjoy doing.

Just ask my kids.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, and I see you have serving
experience at the casino,

and everything looks good,
so, uh...

let's see you insult me.

Oh. Um...okay.

Maybe...you should try
to order something.

I think I can work
with that.

I'll have the tuna melt.

O...kay.
Uh, okay. Uh...

Ours is mostly dolphin
and sea trash.

Don't insult the food.

Insult the customers.

Oh, sorry.

Now, come on.
Let me have it here. Come on.

I came here
to be insulted.

I love it!

Uh, this is a little harder
than I thought.

I've never had to do it
on command.

Yeah, yeah,
but, you know,

just go with the flow,
you know what I mean?

If you want,
you could take your cues

off my appearance
or something I'm wearing.

Okay. Um...

Bet when you were a kid,

you thought you were gonna
grow up and be something,

but you went and disappointed
everyone, didn't you, Gary?

You're a little man
in a big chair,

and you're gonna spend
the rest of your life alone.

Look at you!

I'm not sure people
are gonna enjoy that.

Oh. Am I missing something?
I thought it was pretty rude.

Well, you see,
there's rude,

and then there's
McNasty's fun rude.

You know,
everything all in fun.

We're looking
for something more like...

"You call that a hat?"

Ohhh! Okay.

I-I get it now.
I get it.

Um, nice hat.
Uh...

Maybe you should pull it down
over your ugly face

so people can
keep their burgers down.

Huh?

Okay. Okay.
You know what?

I-I think that's enough
for today.

And, uh,
we'll call you.

Thank you.
I really appreciate your time.

I need this job pretty bad,
and I know I can do it...

Butt Face.

It's not gonna happen.

Just go.

And my mother says
I'm amazing!

♪♪

When do you start
at McNasty's?

I didn't get it.

You didn't get a job
insulting people?

I was overqualified.

All right, I know you're nervous
about letting me drive,

but think about
the benefits.

Like, when one of you guys
are drunk,

I can come and pick you up --
no questions asked.

Of course, the next day,
we will have a conversation

about choices, but...

Well, if it's okay with
your mom, it's okay with me.

Mom, can I drive
Grandma's old car?

Oh, if it's okay with Grandpa,
it's okay with me.

Grandpa?

She says "Okay,"
I'm okay.

But she's just gonna tell me
to come back to you.

Yeah.

It's been our experience
that kids tire out eventually.

Mark: Mom?

I'm in the kitchen.
We got to get going.

The carnival starts
in a half an hour.

Are you done
with your new costume?

Yep. Presenting one of the great
artists of the 20th century...

I can't believe you made that
in two days!

Frida Kahlo --
you look just like

that famous painting
of her.

Yeah,
you got a mustache...

and one up top there
as a backup.

I just really like
her style.

She was in that art book Mom
stole for me from the library.

It was an art book
in Lanford.

Nobody'll even know
it's missing.

♪♪

Hello.

Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.

Hey!

Do not fear. It is not
the real Invisible Man.

It is my son,
Kazim.

I don't see anybody.
Where is he?

I'm right here.

I hear him,
but I can't see him.

Can I go inside now?

You could already be inside,
for all I know.

Thank you for inviting us over
for Halloween.

We weren't so thrilled
about Halloween

because last year,
you people vandalized us.

We did that to everybody.

Well, yeah, we talked
about not doing your house,

but we thought you might feel
discriminated against.

♪ Toasted eyeballs
drenched in -- ♪

So, Dan, I would like
to introduce you

to my new friend,
Peter.

Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.

Great...Two-Face costume.

Oh, good to meet you, too.

But, uh, tonight,
I'm actually dressed

as the mind/body dualism
of Descartes.

I've often ordered
des carte.

But, of course, you know,
it's more expensive that way.

What?

Dan, when you invited me,

I dialed up a couple
of fun facts about Halloween,

so hold on
to your bicorn hat.

[ Chuckles ]
More about that later.

Did you know
that Halloween came

from the Celtic festival
of Samhain?

I heard that,
but I didn't believe it.

Right? It marked
the end of the summer

and the beginning
of the dark, cold winter,

which they associated
with death --

ergo,
ghosts and goblins.

I'll be darned.

Well, we got jello with eyeballs
in the fridge

and beer if you want it.

And Peter has a master's
in medieval culture,

among other things.

Tell him
the best part, honey.

Oh, it gets better,
honey?

Repeating a word
that was said before -- funny.

But the best part
is that the Celts believed

that the boundaries
between the world of the living

and of the dead
were blurred on that day,

so they wore costumes
to fool the demons,

thus avoiding
being dragged to Hell.

Amazing. I could listen
to this man talk for hours.

And I could let you.

There's got to be kids
at the door.

Maybe the bell's
on the fritz.

Uh, sorry.
I might be boring you.

I guess you're more of a --
a football guy.

Yeah, that's me --
Joe Lunchpail.

I read a book once,
but it was a comic book.

I finished 'er, though.

Comic books have
a very storied history.

Many of the archetypes come
from Anglo-Saxon myth,

particularly Beowulf.

I've heard this story,
but you know who hasn't?

Becky.

[ Spooky music plays,
indistinct conversations ]

Ah.
And what are you?

I'm poor,
back when poor was funny.

Hey! Look at you!

[ Chuckles ]

Listen, we love having Mark
at the school,

but he can't come in
wearing that.

Why not?

Your son dressed as Frida Kahlo
could be perceived as offensive.

Didn't you get the e-mail
three months ago?

Three months?!

Listen, I just found out

I haven't had a mammogram
in five years.

I'm a little behind.

♪♪

I-I'm sorry,
Mr. Swindell.

What exactly is the problem
with his costume?

He is dressed
as an Hispanic woman.

That falls under
cultural appropriation.

No, it's cultural appreciation.
He loves Frida Kahlo.

The guidelines were clear.

He has not experienced

what a person of that ethnicity
has experienced.

Therefore, he does not have
a legitimate entitlement

to use or wear any element
of their ethnic identity.

Could you just let the grapes
go by, please?

That's not a comment
on migrant workers, is it?

All right, go ahead.
Go ahead. Thanks.

Now, please, I don't want Mark
to miss the carnival.

Just lose the costume.
You can come right in.

I worked hard
on this costume.

I made it especially
for this carnival.

Can't I please come in?

Listen, I get what the rule
is for. I really do.

But sometimes
the good intention of the rule

gets taken a little far,
don't you think?

Why don't you grow a pair,
Mr. Swine-dell?

That's right -- I came up with
that nickname 30 years ago.

And start judging Mark
on an individual basis,

instead of lumping him
into some category on a list.

Okay, we just want
to go in there and spend $10 --

which I do not have --
on the ring toss

so I can win a goldfish
that will die in my car!

Or we can stand here

and continue
traumatizing my child,

which I know I'm not helping
by yelling at you!

I know about the nickname,
Dark-lene.

But I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.

And by the way, don't you still
owe us money for the field trip?

Uh, yes, I do,
and I will get it to you

as soon as I get
a second job.

Apparently, I'm not rude
in an entertaining way.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go ahead
and agree with that.

God.

I'm sorry I yelled
at your principal.

I mean, that is not the kind of
example I want to set for you.

No. That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

From now on,
nobody's gonna bully the kid

with the psycho mom
wearing a barrel.

Well, we stood up
for our principles,

and we did
the right thing,

and so we should
be proud of that.

Now let's go find
some tall grass so I can pee.

♪♪

Aww! Aren't you
a cute princess.

Trick or Treat!

Uh-oh.

I see you have
a king-size candy bar.

Caught this
just in time.

These are
full of cooties.

I'll throw that out
for you.

And I'll give you
two candy corns...

and a popcorn ball
we found on the couch.

Happy Halloween!

She's adorable!

You should be
ashamed of yourself,

taking candy
from a child...

and not giving me half.

Here you go.

I think you'll find
the shame makes it delicious.

Hey, Grandpa.

Is this
about the car again?
No.

I just wanted
to let you know

that I've been offered a job
at the Dairy Queen.

Good for you.

But how will I get there,
you ask.

I don't really care.

Well, since you brought up
the car, let's talk about it.

I can pay for insurance
and gas.

And I just have to say,

you have the hair
of a man half your age.

All right, stop.

Here's the deal.

You're gonna drive me to work
for a month,

with me screaming in your face
every day.

When I'm sure
you're not gonna hurt anyone,

you can use the car.

Yes! Thank you!

I will do my best
not to kill you.

Why are you being so hard
on her?

I don't want her
wrecking the car.

Why are you worried?
Just put her on your insurance.

I'm on there.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ]
Yeah, sure you are.

Well?
"Well" what?

Come on. Come on.
What do you think about Peter?

He's nice.

Nice?

That's it?

Before, I had my sister around
to vet my boyfriends

and tell me if I was making
a huge mistake.

Can you do a little of that --
just be honest?

Well, he does seem
to know a lot,

and he's not shy
about sharing it.

Okay. That's fair.

What else?

Uh, well, he --
he's the kind of guy

that even though you haven't
spent much time with him,

it feels like you've spent
a lot of time with him.

[ Laughing ]
Sure. Sure.

That's it, though?
Th-That's all you got?

I just want you
to be honest.

Really dig deep,
really find some flaws.

Roseanne would tell me
how she felt,

and I'd blow up at her
for meddling,

but I'd hear it.

I get it.
Um, all right.

Uh, I'm new at this,
but here it goes.

Uh, I-I think
I might hate him,

but I really need
more time.

See?

That's a different
perspective.

Thank you.

It is a little weird

that Peter doesn't have a job
at 48 years old.

[ Laughs ]

I knew you'd try
and destroy this.

I don't know why I bother

talking to anybody
in this family.

And by the way,
do you know how hard it is

to find a single guy
in his 40s with a job?!

He's a damn unicorn!

That's what he is!

♪♪

Hey, Grandpa.

Hey.
How was the carnival?

We didn't go.

Mark and I wandered
around the creepy cemetery

behind
the old Lanford church.

We found
all these tombstones

with Hortenses and Ebenezers
and Obediahs.

How come they only lived
'til they were 40?

Well, when people are constantly
making fun of your name,

it's just too painful
to go on.

So, why'd you skip
the carnival?

They said
I couldn't be Frida Kahlo

because I'm not Mexican.

And?

Mom went crazy
on the principal.

You really
went after him, huh?

I did.

Way to go, Dark-lene.

Look, you were still
mostly wrong,

but this guy
was mostly wrong, too.

So what have we learned?
Men are wrong.

Um, Mom, I'm a man.

Yes, you are, son.

Welcome to Wrong Island.

Anyway, way to go,

kicking the snot
out of that principal.

Well, he's a beaten old man,
and he's wildly underpaid,

so, yeah,
I'm pretty proud of myself.

♪♪

Slow down. School zone.

I see it.

Aah!
[ Both scream, tires screech ]

Mary?

Mary.

Good prank,
but the wrong time.

Oh. Sorry.

[ Engine revs ]

Aah!
[ Both scream, tires screech ]

Mary, Mary,
not a different time.

I mean
when somebody's not driving.

Mailbox! Mailbox!!

[ Tires screech ]