All language subtitles for The Three Wise Middle East Special S16E00 2010 BluRay

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Hello, good evening,

and welcome

to a Top Gear Nativity Special.

Tonight, we are the three wise men,

and our challenge is
to get from the East

to the birthplace of the Baby
Jesus here, in Bethlehem.

Yeah, we were told we could make
the journey in any car we chose,

so long as it, A)
cost less than £3,500,

and B) was a two-seater
convertible sports car.

However, before we even set
off, there was a problem.

Because, you see, in
order to go to Bethlehem,

we had to drive through Israel,
and for political reasons

the Israelis aren't very happy about
cars from any of these countries

coming across their border.

So we had to get our
wheels from up here,

in the former Soviet
republic of Georgia,

and ship them to the start point
in a Russian transport plane.

Trouble is, we didn't know
where the start point was.

I've been quite brave with my
choice of car - Fiat Barchetta.

I used to have one of these, but this isn't
just any Barchetta, it's a Riviera special
edition.

Black paint, red quilted
leather, it's beautiful.

You haven't been brave,
you've been stupid.

It's beautiful! It's stupid
,it's a Fiat. Look at that.

I have been a wise man.

I have bought a Mazda MX-5.

Yeah, the boring, obvious choice.

That's why I originally
bought myself one of those.

Yes, because, listen, every
time we do one of these trips,

every time, I get the interesting
car that's in a cloud of steam.

This time, wherever we're going,
this will make it. You know that.

As you'd expect, I've been the
wisest and I've done this properly.

I've combined European stylishness
with legendary German reliability,

in this BMW Z3.

I didn't know...

We're banking, aren't we?

I didn't know you could get
a Z3 for less than L3,500.

You can't. Well, how
much did you pay for it?

I rounded it up.

How...? L3,966.

Well, that's more than the
budget, you've spent too much!

So we're not three wise men -

we're one wise man,
an idiot and a cheat.

'We then started wondering
where we might be going. '

Oman? Is it China? Well, if they
came from the East, Norfolk.

Well, I'm telling you, wherever the
hell that is, it's not Norwich.

'We'd find out soon enough, though,

'because it was time to take
our seats for landing. '

Ah, there we go. Seatbelt fastened.

Throttling back,
approach to something.

ELECTRONIC BUZZING What
the hell are they doing?

Oh, my God! Ahh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Where the hell is that?

Aaaah...!

Oh, no! Aaah!

Hammond! Put your handbrake on!

If the straps break, I'm... Ah!

A- a-a-ah!

I just saw a runway.

Undercarriage is down.
Here we go, we're landing.

Here we are, levelling off.
Levelling off.

Land it, land it!

Please, land! What's he doing?
He's missed the runway.

A- a-a-ah!

A- a-a-ah!

We're coming in again.

Land it this time, sunshine.

PLANE'S TYRES SCREECH
We're down. Whoa!

Well, we're here.
Wherever here is, we've arrived.

'And now we'd find out
exactly where "here" was. '

You can't tell anything by looking out
there. Gentlemen, look who's arrived. We
have the...

What are they?

They are flak jackets.

Wow. Why?

That is real bullet-proof. Kevlar.

Bullet-proof jackets.

What have we got to do?

Oh, God. What?

Go on. You have landed in Iraq.

I've heard of that. Give up.

Bethlehem is 1,200 miles away,

but between here and there
there are a few wars.

Best of luck, and don't
forget to pick up some gold,

frankincense and myrrh on the way.

Yeah, enough of the myrrh
and stuff, but Iraq?

That's Iraq? That is Iraq.

God.

Well, we've got to
get off the plane.

Well, you go first.

I can't go first, can I?
Because you're parked in the way.

Can we get...

We'll all go at the same time.
Yeah, we'll be right behind you.

All just go three,
two, one, go. Go.

Everybody know what we're doing?

We'll go on three, two, one, all
three out, decent speed, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah. OK.

Is everybody running?

Handbrakes off.

Anybody want to talk about anything?
No, let's just do it, OK,

if we're ready. In...

three, two, one, go!

You bastards!

Did you stall?

Yes, I did.

I'm taking evasive action.

Where are you? "Did you make it?"

I'm alive, I'm
hiding in a big shed.

Right, James, in
three, two, one, go.

Here we go.

Come on!

You BEEP. Where where you?
I'm really sorry, Hammo.

Thanks for leaving me on
my own to draw the fire.

Right.

'Having successfully
covered 300 yards,

'we got the map out so we
could plan our next move. '

According to the sign on the back
of that fire engine over there...

.. we are in Arbil, here.

Bethlehem's there.

So, first thing's
first, you would agree,

we've got to get out of
Iraq as quickly as possible.

Now, the nearest border's Turkey,
but there's no road up there,

so if we go into Iran...

Hang on, Bethlehem's
over here, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's the way we want to go.

Yes, through places like
Mosul and Baghdad, perhaps.

Have you ever seen a television
programme called "the news"?

I'm aware of it.

Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
Really bad, is it?

That's as bad as it gets
anywhere in the world right now.

And that's where we are?
That's where it's really bad?

We are less than a
fingers-width away.

So, up there, into Iran,

into Turkey, and then down there

and that way, so we miss...

we can get out of Iraq
and then go round it.

Sounds like a plan.

So the wise men from the
East are setting off east.

East. North-east. Yeah.

And so, with a hastily-organised
route mapped out,

we climbed into our cars, which were
not armoured Humvees, and set off.

All those things we hear about
on the news, the mines, the IEDs,

the car bombs, they're
all here somewhere.

How do you know how to spot them?

Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped,
I don't want to hear any of this,

"Well, we don't give in to
kidnap demands". Just pay.

I don't want to be
beheaded on the internet.

I bet Richard Hammond is regretting
buying a pretty little Fiat now.

I just realised that being at
the front, I'm the first target.

The clever thing to do
would be in the middle.

'Annoyingly, the other two
had exactly the same idea. '

Oh, no, you don't.

You idiot!

Oh, you cock!

Oh, May!

We were so busy trying
to get in the middle,

we weren't looking
where we were going.

And soon, we were lost.

We've definitely
made a wrong turning.

This cannot be the way
out of town, look at it.

Oh, deary me.

This isn't a main road, now, is it?

I'm very uneasy here.

Really bad.

I'm sorry, guys, this is just
the perfect place for an ambush.

Look how high
everything is around as.

Go round the corner and
check it out for us.

I'm not going round...

I am going round.
Hammond, don't be an arse!

Hammond, stop it. Hammond! Hammond!

Tell us what it's like,
tell us what you can see.

What I could see was a
route back to civilisation.

We were in the clear.

And then, we weren't.

HORNS HONKING

Oh God, that's catastrophic.

RATTLING

It's minutes from complete
death, this thing.

CUTS OUT

In fact, there it is.

I think what's happened is
some pistons have fused.

Still, at least we're in a part of town
where I'm sure there's a BMW dealer.

It's let you down badly, mate,
your wisest choice of all.

I heard him on the plane,
"I'm the wisest... "

"I'm the wisest of them all".
Is this helping?

No, I was going to say, I love
the way you are so constructive

in these moments of great peril.

James fashioned an inspection
pit out of a nearby open sewer

and told us to go away.

I'm just thinking, I know we're not
supposed to just wander off, but...

That's Iraq. Right there.

You know, I was just
thinking how you stand here,

there's a kitchen supplier here,

and there's a schoolboy
there with his tie on,

and everything's normal.

But it just takes one in a
million to be not normal.

It just takes one... TYRES SCREECH

See, a noise like that,

one person,

and then it's not a
normal place at all.

I didn't jump at that noise.

'James's ultimate driving machine
soon began to annoy the locals. '

You want to go here?

'But then there was
a development. '

Good news. What? There is a
back-up car on this journey,

I've just been told
by the producers.

Oh great, I expect it's
an XKR convertible?

It's behind you.

Oh, God.

Is that a 1.6 Astra convertible?

Yes it is, and it's utterly...
It's terrible.

It's the worst
convertible in the world.

It's a sponge cake with no flavour.
Yeah, it's a dreadful car.

This has filled me
with a sense of relief.

We were going to leave him
and he would have been...

But now we can go knowing
he's going to be OK.

It makes it easier for us
to follow the code. It does.

Do you know what? What?
It does, goodbye. Yes, goodbye.

Car OK?

Yes, in every way. The Fiat's fine.

James was hoping to mend his car
without attracting too much attention.

However...

Hands out!

'Spurred on by the wretched Astra,

'I finally brought
Lazarus back to life. '

ENGINE TURNS OVER

Yes!

CHEERING

Well, I wouldn't have been able to
do it without those meddling kids.

'But then, 20 minutes later... '

RATTLING

Oh, cock!

'I'd done 11 miles,

'and since there were 1,989
to go, I found a workshop

'and then I found that the
cylinders were full of water. '

Right, it's ten to one,

the engine is as disassembled
as it needs to be,

here's the new cylinder head
gasket, that will go on,

the engine will go back together and
hopefully keep me out of the Astra.

I hope that works, though.

The next morning, we left
Arbil with our colleague in...

.. his BMW.

I wish the Astra would stop
just driving right behind me.

He's made his point.
I've triumphed over him,

so he can sod off, frankly.

In the end, Arbil
had felt quite safe.

But, as we drove
into the countryside,

there were more and more
military checkpoints.

Scary guards. Scary guards.

Scary guards.

Lot of men, lot of guns.

As we drove on, it started to rain,

and the roads became
unbelievably slippery.

Holy BEEP.

I've got a tankslapper.

I've gone, I've gone off,
that's what I've done.

I've never driven on a road
surface like this, ever.

'And it wasn't just the road... '

Whoa! Heavens!

'.. that felt very,
very dangerous. '

Oh, I don't like it here.

We are quite close to
the Iranian border,

and of course the historic
relationship between Iraq and Iran

is not good, and this is quite
literally bandit territory.

If there's a road-block up here and
they're not police, what shall we do?

I do know I'm getting drenched,
so I'm going to put the roof up.

Roofs up, we moved off with Jeremy
setting an unusually cautious pace.

I doubtless should be telling you
all sorts of things about this car.

I'm just more concerned about
not being here at any more.

Even thought the war in
Iraq is officially over,

1,000 people a year are still being
killed by roadside bombs alone.

This is how you go round
a corner in Iraq -

creep in about one mile an
hour, checking the apex,

checking the sightlines, don't
like the look of that, backing up.

As we crawled along, I had a
brainwave which I was eager to share,

so we pulled over at
an underground market

which had a waterfall
and a river in it.

I've called you together because I
know how to make my car bullet-proof.

Oh, yeah? Really? No...

I am going to take the door linings
off and fill the doors with sand,

and put the doors back on, so you're
driving around with two sandbags on either
side of you.

That's not a bad idea... is it?

I don't think it'll work.
Does a sandbag stop a bullet?

A sandbag, yes. Why won't a door,
a sand door, stop a bullet?

You're only going to
have that much sand.

No, that much sand.
It's not enough.

OK, you carry on... I'd say
it was worth a try, actually.

I hate to say it, cos he
thought of it, but actually,

think about it, it
might, it might work.

Meeting over, I bought
Hammond a local souvenir.

Would you like a.50
Cal bullet... Yeah?

.. which is...

a cigarette lighter?

And then we went to find a
quiet spot for my experiment.

Careful, you got a bit in the door.

Shut up. Only a little
bit, but... Shut up.

Behold. That will stop the round.

That would stop an RPG.
Yeah. You'll notice...

'My armoured Mazda was ready
for testing, so I brought in

'our armed security man,

'who had learned in the Special Forces
how to have a pixellated face. '

Observe, if you will, the
9mm entrance hole, yes?

Shall we have a look to see how
much of it has gone through?

It's gone straight through.

'And it had kept going. '

Oh, Lord!

Oh, God! How's that happened?

It knocked bits of bullet
or bits of doorframe...

So the bullet shatters and...
.. turns into more bullets.

Yeah. You're going to be all right
in there, mate. Nothing to see here.

With 30 miles to go
to the Iranian border,

James calmed his nerves
with a little carol concert.

♪ We three blokes from BBC Two

♪ One colour gold
car, one colour poo,

♪ Oh-oh, brought the wrong
cars, brought the right,

♪ Working heater, working lights,

♪ Westward-going
Gasket maybe blowing

♪ What a piece of sh...

I believe that town ahead of us

is the last town before
the border. Yes!

Sorry.

This is it, chaps.
Sort out the paperwork.

See you in a sec.

That's a relief.

My headlights aren't very good.
No, mine aren't.

'Jeremy was back rather quickly. '

Right. Bad news.

What?

For political reasons, the
BBC is not allowed into Iran.

Not allowed? You what?
No-one from the BBC...

I thought it was just BBC
News, but the whole BBC

is not allowed in Iran so
we can't cross the border.

A car show isn't allowed into...?

Never mind... Let's not get bogged down.
We aren't allowed in.

So Ant and Dec can come here?

Ant and Dec, Simon Cowell,
Chris Tarrant... Fifth Gear?

Fifth Gear. Emmerdale Farm?

Emmerdale Farm but not
David Attenborough, not us. Springwatch?

'We consulted the map and
the situation was bleak.

'East was now out.

'Baghdad was to the south

'and the Al-Qaeda stronghold
of Mosul was to the west.

'Our only option was to go
back down the mountain road

'and try and find a safe
road north into Turkey. '

I bet the original three wise
men never had this problem.

Well, they weren't BBC, were they?

We thought it too risky to tackle
the mountain road at night,

so now we had to find
somewhere to stay.

There is nothing even
remotely hotelish.

We're travelling at night,
we have nowhere to stay.

Probably the worst thing
we could do right now.

Lights ahead, chaps.

The following
morning, it turned out

we'd stayed at an Iraqi amusement
park, which was a bit weird.

That's Richard Hammond.

While we were on the rides,
we realised something.

We'd been in Iraq for two days and
we hadn't been shot even once,

or blown up or beheaded
on the internet.

In short, we had an epiphany.

I'm not wearing this any more.

I'm glad you said that.
I haven't felt in need of this.

Ahhh...

I'm glad we're not going to Iran,

cos I'm sorry, I know
this is Iraq, OK,

but it's the Kurdistan region
of Iraq so it's full of Kurds.

They're all lovely.

Everybody's very friendly.
It's about as dangerous as Cheltenham.

So come on, the sun is out, three
convertible sports cars, we're in the
mountains.

We can go down the same
road again, but enjoy it.

Wow! Business as usual.

This is incredible.
I'm in a Mazda MX-5,

plunging through Iraq.

Ah ha-ha!

With the fear gone, we
could for the first time

think about the cars we'd bought.

Come on then, little Barchetta,
let's see what you've got.

The weird thing is, of the three,

this is the least like
a traditional roadster.

It's front-wheel-drive, it's
based on a Fiat Punto underneath.

But this is a glorious little car.

The whole front wheel-drive
issue just doesn't matter.

This feels special and
that's all that matters

in a two-seater roadster.

As you'd expect with an MX-5,

every single thing
on it is perfect.

Apart from some holes in this door.

How does a bullet
split into three parts

while travelling through a Mazda?

I think it's a sign.

The Father, the Son
and the Holy Door.

Meanwhile, at the back...

Viewers, strictly between you and me,
I may have made a bit of an error.

Erm...

How can I put it?

The engine is too small,
the suspension is too soft

and the gaps between the
gear ratios are so big,

I could get another
gearbox in them.

Come on! And change.

Thank you.

As we headed deeper
into northern Iraq,

the scenery became
even more spectacular.

I can honestly say I don't think I've
ever been anywhere more beautiful.

It's movingly beautiful.

I am so glad

we weren't allowed into Iran
cos if we were there now,

I wouldn't be seeing
this incredible place.

Why were we ever frightened here?

Sadly, not all of
Iraq is this peaceful,

so the next morning we found
a road to Turkey and set off,

still heading away from Bethlehem.

Jeremy's got a dish-dash
thing on his head

which makes him look like
Lawrence of Incompetence.

But at least he had managed
to learn a few local words,

which came in handy at
the next filling station.

Just remember,

"bhedji" is petrol.

"Bhedji" is bastard.

So don't, whatever you
do, get that wrong.

Is there anybody here?

'There was... sort of. '

I don't like to wake a man
up just for some petrol.

Especially if I accidentally
call him a bastard.

So we trundled onwards and soon we
arrived at the scary Turkish border.

Oh... This doesn't feel
friendly at all somehow.

Out the car? Yes, please. OK.

What's he going to do?

That's a can of...

Oh...

What is this? I can explain.

It's... It's erm... it's a lighter.

Lighter? Yeah. Sorry.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Can I show it to you... See?

It erm... If you do that.

Then it... Oh, it doesn't work.

You are a funny man.

Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

OK, I think I may
have just had a wee.

On the other side of the border, we
pulled over for new instructions.

They've moved in. Predictable.

You idiots.

Yes. Strong.

You have escaped from a region where there
is no war into a region where there is.

The Kurds are fighting the
Turks for independence,

so if you really are wise men,

you will get to your hotel in
the safe zone by nightfall.

And more...

Ah, Foreign Office.

British Government Foreign
Office travel summary.

We advise against all but essential
travel in the provinces of Hakkari,

Sirnak, Siirt and Tunceli.

Nine attacks this year so far.

High threat of terrorism.

This is worse then, than Iraq.

I thought I'd said goodbye to this.

Is that where we're going?

We're going to...

That's 220 miles.

That's 363 kilometres.

That's 220 miles.

We've got 220 miles to do in...

Four and a half hours.
Four and a half hours. Not possible.

I'm afraid, chaps, this
has just become a test

of who's got the fastest car.

Here we go...

Speed saves lives!

Fast driving here, though,
was a perilous business.

Oh, whoa, bit bumpy there!

What the hell?

Oh, God.

I'd rather be blown up.

These roads are BLEEP.

It feels like they just poured
some tarmac on to the terrain.

Oh, no! My hat!

But despite the discomfort,

Top Gear's orang-utan
decided to go even faster.

Come on then, you two, come on!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which went well.

Oh, God. What the hell?

CHUGGING Guys, I've
got a big problem.

Big problem. Big problem.

CHUGGING AND RATTLING
That's the exhaust.

Sounds like the exhaust manifold.
It does, it does.

I think you'll find, chaps, it's
just a spark plug that's come out.

It's always good when that happens.

At least we're not in a
dangerous part of the world.

What an ape. What? You.

What? How can I be
responsible for a spark plug?

We're supposed to
be three wise men,

not two wise men, sorry, one of
them blew his Mazda up, we left him.

11 miles, Ted Nugent did.

Oh, my God.

♪ We three kings of Orient are

♪ One in a Vauxhall,
two in sports cars...

I don't need you, I don't.

Thank you for helping me, Richard.

Thank you. But you love
doing this, you two.

This is your favourite thing.

Is the plug not actually...

Why are you being
so annoying today?

Even by your own standards.

Eventually, the spark plug
was glued back into place.

But, we were still in the danger
zone, and running out of light.

Look at this.

A bit more serious than
those ones we saw in Iraq.

That is a man
surrounded by sandbags.

Sandbags don't work.

Trying to be helpful.

'Mercifully, though, the
road soon improved. '

Right, looks like we've got
ourselves a dual-carriageway here.

Oh, that's better.

'But unfortunately, no-one had
told the locals how to use it. '

There's a lorry on the wrong side
of the dual-carriageway, guys.

The wrong way on a
dual-carriageway.

This is bloody suicidal.
What are they doing?

The highway madness meant it was well
after dark when we reached safety.

My car's running like a pig.
"Mine is as well. Absolute pig. "

"I think that road has
basically shaken the engines -

"quite literally, in
my case - to pieces. "

Er, mine's fine.

If you think about it, who
would ever have guessed

out of the three, a
Mazda, a BMW and a Fiat,

that the Fiat would appear
to be holding together best.

Hammond continued boasting
all the way to the hotel.

So that night, after a
top level brainstorm,

we set about the
business of revenge.

Right, so I will disconnect these,
which go to that. You with me?

Yeah, yeah. Disconnect these,
and then put two new ones on.

'In short, we disconnect the stereo

'and wire a hidden new
one into the ignition. '

He's going to have the worst,

literally the worst
journey, in human history.

So, this is now utterly redundant
and not connected up to anything.

'All we had to now was
choose some music he hated. '

James, I've got the perfect CD.

Come on.

The next morning, we discovered
this wasn't the best day

to be giving Hammond
sudden surprises.

It's just... I can't...

Where have you been?

News of a slightly
inconvenient nature,

they have arrived.

The trots.

How badly? Ah. Really...

Is it the brown rain?
Don't go there. Brown rain?!

Don't go there.
Seriously, is it bad?

Catastrophic.

It's as if somebody turned on a
tap at 3am and left it running.

If you're having your Boxing
Day lunch now, I apologise. Sorry.

At least I can rely on the sympathy
of my colleagues. That's good.

Can I listen to yours on tick-over?
It's beautiful.

They always make...

MUSIC BY GENESIS STARTS PLAYING

I can't stop it!

I didn't think you liked Genesis.

I can't stop it!

Weird.

You BLEEP!

What have you done?

MUSIC CONTINUES

All right, Genesis. Oh...

Oh, great. Bloody keyboard solo.

Hammond's day was very miserable.

But while queuing at the Syrian
border, May's became even worse.

Nothing to see. Won't it go?

I think it's this
stupid alarm. Hang on.

"Armed".

Armed? Don't say that when
you're going into Syria.

"Disarmed. "

I didn't touch it then.

'The alarm had totally
immobilised the engine. '

Come on. Make it go.
It doesn't work.

So, what with one thing and another, our
arrival into Syria was a bit of a shambles.

GENESIS BLARES

Stop, stop. Gently, I said. Ah!

Sorry. Sorry.

Morning, sorry.
I can't - it's broken.

I can't turn it off. Doesn't work.

It would take several
hours to clear customs,

so we all set about
doing what we had to do.

Ugh...

"Armed. "

"Disarmed. "

"Armed. "

"Armed. "

"Disarmed. "

RICHARD WHIMPERS

GUSHING

Please end. End.

"The alarm will sound if
you don't back away. "

Plague. Red cross, just lets
people know there's plague in it.

Yeah. It is comforting
having you around, Jeremy.

Eventually, we hammered
James's car back into life...

ENGINE REVS

Yes!.. and we crossed
into yet another country.

We've only been in Syria for half a
mile and it's better than Turkey.

Also, we need to start
thinking about gold,

frankincense and myrrh as
a gift for the Baby Jesus.

For the first time, we
three kings of Orient are

were actually heading
towards Bethlehem.

But when we stopped
for a map check,

we realised our journey was
still fraught with problems.

Right, for political reasons, you
cant go from Syria into Israel,

because they won't let you.
The border's shut.

Why can't we just go
through the Lebanon?

The Lebanon into Israel?
That's a great idea!

You'll find that really tricky.
You won't be able to...

So, we can't go Syria-Israel.
We can't do Lebanon-Israel.

No, but we can, I think, the border
between Jordan and Israel is open,

and quite friendly.

If we go through Syria into Jordan
and then across into Israel.

I think you're right. Yes.

The only problem we've got is that if
the Israelis know we've been in Syria,

they won't let us in.

At the border? Yeah.

Well, we've got two passports.

It's not the passports
I'm worried about.

You go to a country - oh, Top
Gear's here! You're on the news.

The Israelis will say, you've
been in Syria, you can't come in.

Yeah, but in Syria? Yeah, it's not
like France, or Australia.

Syria, they won't watch Top Gear.

You watch Top Gear?

Yes.

'At the next town, James's
theory rather fell apart. '

"Top Gear. "

Welcome Captain Slow
in Syria. Welcome!

OK, are we all in? Yes?

Yes, yes, of course.

This has gone quite
badly wrong now.

So, we called an emergency meeting.

There's no way, with that level of Top
Gear interest, we'll make it to Bethlehem.

Literally, it'll take five minutes

and the news crews will be here,
radio stations, newspapers.

"Top Gear are in Syria.
" You mark my words.

We've got to cross Syria
without being found.

We need a plan.

PROGRAMME OVERDUBBED INTO ARABIC

Why don't we just avoid the roads?

If we do that, we avoid the towns.

Well, how do we do that?
Cross the desert.

The desert? Yep.

Are you proposing we sneak
through Syria? Sneak across it.

If we find a garage, a workshop,

modify the cars for
desert sneaking...

I love the sound of the plan.
I'll give it a go.

I think it's fantastic.

So, we found some workshops
and cue the music...

"THE A-TEAM THEME"

No! No! No!

Yes. Yes.

Oh...

Guys!

The whole point of going
through the desert

is we're trying to
stay out of sight.

Well, what I have here
is a Bedouin tent.

A small portion has to
poke out from the tent

because I need to see out, and open
the bonnet at some point probably,

so I've disguised it by putting
glue on it and covering it in sand

from the very desert I'm
camouflaging it against.

Anybody looks, it's
just a Bedouin tent.

What I've done here is create a
car of many colours. I am Joseph.

Now, I know that in the Bible,

he was kicked half to death by his
brothers and then thrown in a well,

but he did end up in the
West End as Jason Donovan.

Mechanically, what I've done
to cross this vast desert

is fitted an axle of evil.

This is now a dually
six-wheeled Mazda MX-5.

Some other features
you may have spotted -

the Hubble pipe attached to a bracket
which hangs from the bullet-holes.

That's rather brilliant.

A spoiler on the back
for added traction.

There's no sand in the world
will stop this. Oh, no.

I've taken my inspiration
from the Afrika Korps.

The tools, the sand
channels, and what have you.

And the Luftwaffe,
for the paint scheme.

It may seem irrelevant, but
it is actually very biblical,

because this - this is
the light of the world.

Or will be, when it gets dark.

And those jerry cans, they
hold enough provisions

for 40 days and
nights in the desert.

Forward, schnell!

We were feeling confident
as we pushed deeper

into 200,000 square miles
of absolutely nothing

and nobody.

All three have done
pretty well, you'll admit.

Yeah, yeah.
We are wise men. We are.

Soon, though, things began to
get tricky for Hilda Ogden.

Quite bumpy, this.

Very bumpy.

Quite a bad bit of desert.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

A disaster has befallen my wheels.

Don't need it. Just pop it here.

'And anyway, I still
had one left. '

Oh, dear! That's not as
good as I would have hoped.

There. I just keep finding
these in the desert.

I don't know where
they're coming from.

Have you decided the extended wheel
arches look better inside the car?

They're detachable. Yes, I can see.

Despite his incompetence, Hilda
insisted on leading from the front.

Follow me, gentlemen,
I've found a way.

Oh, joy. You've got to be kidding.

Nobody will find us down here.

Follow me.

THUD

Don't follow me. Oh, God. Back up.

Oh, I've reversed... Ah.

Clarkson, you've
just ruined my tent!

This is not going as
well as I'd hoped.

'To make amends, I offered to
cook lunch on my spoiler. '

The heat of the
Syrian desert sun...

.. has been cooking
that all day long.

So we take some...
Would you like this?

Do you want a fried egg sandwich?

Yeah. If you can
make me one. Ready?

Remember they were saying, will
there ever be another Keith Floyd?

After the aborted lunch stop, the
going started to get really tough.

Oh... This is a bit much
for the little Fiat here.

Ugh... Quite steep, this.

It is, isn't it?

Oh! Oh! That was...

Here, it's... Oh look.
Ugh! Oh, God.

'The radiator bracket had sheared,

'and the radiator itself was
now hanging by a thread. '

So, if that falls off,
you are in the Vauxhall.

There is no other
way of putting that.

Look at that. Not good.

Top Gear tradition dictates that we
should leave Hammond to fend for himself.

And in this vast, lifeless desert,
that's what we decided to do.

We'd love to stay and help,
but I have no ability at all.

This has been proven many times.

And he can't be bothered. So, come on, James.
OK, that's good. Goodbye.

Get the tools from the tent...

I'll be honest, I'm amazed.

It's quite an old Fiat and
and a small one at that.

This is the first time it's
let me down mechanically.

And in fairness, I let it down.

Ah, hot!

Ow.

'The repair was a real struggle. '

I'm guessing it gets dark
pretty quickly round here.

My bodge has failed.

Radiator's dropped again.
I'm trying to fix it up more permanently.

I've no doubt they'll be
very worried about me.

Yeah! What do you
think of that? Ha ha!

Excellent! More desert.

JEREMY'S REAR WHEEL RATTLES

Look at that rear wheel.
That's so hopeless.

What a lovely evening, travelling
with my mates... Well, one of them.

Sun's going down, it's going cool.

The fact of the matter is this
there are no people here.

We are sneaking across
Syria, and it's going well.

Not everyone agreed with that.

It is a beautiful looking place, but
I don't want to be here at night.

Scorpions, snakes,
it's got the lot.

A million ways to die out here.

'Still, at least I had
my new spotlights. '

Oh, they're dud.

They make no difference!

THUDDING

All these stones are hitting
right under the car,

right where I've bodged that bracket
back on to hold the radiator up.

The radiator drops, hits a
rock, it can get ripped off,

that's a game-finisher.

Oh!

Oh, God.

'Despite everything though,

'I managed to stumble across
my concerned colleagues... '

It's a tent, moving by itself!

Just been in the desert.

Crossing the desert.

'.. and found Jeremy
had made supper. '

This made us very philosophical.

I tell you what, if
the three wise men

had done the journey now,

they wouldn't have bothered going there and
school Nativity plays would be easier to
cast.

Now, you've got to have
front half of donkey,

back half of donkey, shepherds...

I was a mouse once in a school
Nativity play. Explain that.

A mouse? Well, because they wanted
something unbelievably small.

I remember, I had a cardboard
mouse-head costume.

I was the front of the donkey.

I took the costume off halfway
through, so people could see it was me.

Nobody could tell the difference!

I suppose you were the infant King,
were you? I was a shepherd,

cos I had a dressing gown.

The next morning, the sun rose to
the sound of the BMW dawn chorus.

"Armed. Disarmed. "

ENGINE CHOKES THEN ROARS

Oh, my God. It sounds
like a diesel locomotive.

It's going.

I don't think the desert's doing your
Afrika Korps car any good at all.

Despite the modifications,

our little sports cars were
even less suitable here

than they had been
in the war zones.

Ah! Ohh... Ahhh...

Oh! Oh, this is not good.

"Can you not hear stones ripping the
undertray of your car to pieces?"

Oh!

This is so bad!

I'm stuck.

It's like water.

Here we go.

Ohhh.

WHEELSPIN Go.

Watch it! Sorry!

Go, go, go!

I've been bitten.
My arm's swollen up.

I've got one on my back, here.

Ahh! Ow!

'We were taking a battering.

'And things were about
to get a lot worse. '

Snatch from there.

And turn.

I've dug a big hole.

All right, stop. Stop. Stop.

Just pull him at a slight angle, we'll
tip him on to his wheels better.

Right, go that way.

OK. Go, go, go, go, go.

THUD

Stop, stop. Stop, stop!

You all right, James?
How are you feeling? Sick.

Do you want to sit up?

Where are we?
In the desert in Syria.

Do you know where we're going?

'Plainly, James was in a bad
way, so he was taken to hospital,

'leaving Hammond and I
to carry on alone. '

The next day, the mood was gloomy.

Oh!

I don't think we can deny it, the
desert has taken its toll on our team.

One man down,

Jeremy's been bitten by something
and his arm's rotting off.

It's a beating.

Soon, though, news reached
us that James was recovering,

and then in the middle of nowhere,
we came across something amazing.

Hammond? Yep?

You know what that is, don't you?

It's a road. And it is real.

It is a road. Look how smooth it is.
There's no rocks.

It's smooth and there are no scorpions
in it. Hang on, hang on...

You're forgetting we're
in the desert to sneak.

We go on the road,
people will see us.

We can't use it. We can't use it.

What if...

we go on the road and disguise
ourselves in the cars?

That's brilliant.

So, we put our plan into action and
went to pick James up from hospital.

What are you two wearing?

Where's yours? Very funny.

Have you left it in there?
I'm better.

It's only a small bang on
the head, and I'm mended.

A small cut, that's it.

You really are better?
Completely. Who am I?

You're a big cock.

Who am I? Irritating little sod.

He's better.
He is better, isn't he?

Anyway, we've got a cunning new plan.
The desert wasn't working.

And? So we've decided we going to
carry on with our route in disguise.

It's us.

Tonight on Carry On Are You Being
It Ain't Half Dad's Army's Mother...

See, nothing to see.

Just a girl driving an unusual car.

Who's going to look twice at that?

We were now on the road to Damascus

and the new-found speed
was causing problems.

I've got quite bad wobble
from the six wheels here.

It's getting quite bad!

Hammond, how's your
tent taking the strain?

I'm not sure Bedouin tents
are made to do 60-80kph.

'We decided to press on, but then,
Jeremy's car decided otherwise. '

My engine's gone.

The engine... Oh, no!

'At the roadside, Hammond
dismantled his tent,

'Jeremy removed his
stupid extra wheels,

'and then we all gathered
round his engine. '

The spark plug has blown out again.

'This time, though, the
problem was more serious. '

Give it a rev.

It's come out again.

I tell you exactly what's happened,
the engine has changed its mind.

On the road to Damascus,

it's decided it wants to
be a three-cylinder engine.

'Unable to fix it, we moved on. '

This is my world now.

'And soon, I was left far behind.
But then... '

Hang on, what's that?

Oh, God, no, no!

'.. the Fiat's tyre had changed
its mind about having air in it. '

Bugger!

Oh, no!

Space saver. Oh, God!

TRUCK HORN BLARES

Right up me burka!

That'll do it.

'The puncture allowed
Jeremy to catch up

'and soon, we arrived
in Damascus. '

7,000 years, this city's been here.

It's amazing to arrive at such
a place and just blend in.

It wasn't the smoothest journey
to Damascus, if I'm honest.

Still, look on the bright side,

I think we have made it unnoticed.

Hundreds of miles of
desert crossed anonymously

and we're at the hotel.
All we have to do is hide the cars.

We have done it. We've made...
Oh, God, no, look, Hammond!

"Above you. " Oh, God!

We haven't done that,
have we? Hello.

Hello.

I've appeared on television
in drag for nothing.

We, therefore, abandoned our
disguises and went to the souk

to buy gold,
frankincense and myrrh.

Earrings...

I don't think earrings are right.

Do you know what myrrh is?

Myrrh? Myrrh.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

No. I don't know either.

Do you have frankincense?

Frankise...? Frankincense.

No. OK.

Ah, have you got myrrh on it?

No, you've got Calvin Klein,
Hugo Boss, but no myrrh.

Quite expensive.

I've finally seen a
present for Jeremy.

Oil of tact.

'Shopping over, we met up at a
restaurant that specialised in lamb,

'which meant that, for once,
Captain Faddy was happy. '

Have they got chops? I like chops.

'As it happened, they hadn't. '

Lambs' heads. We've worked
out the head, brain...

I'm in a horror film.

These deeply impressive
things are testicles.

I don't want testicles!
Have you had the brain?

No, I'll have a bit.
It's absolutely lovely.

Hammond, since you're not eating,

why don't you show us what
you bought for baby Jesus.

Yes, I can do that.

I have bought...

.. a golden relief of his own face.

Wow!

So he will know what he's going
to look like. A golden relief?

Of the face of Jesus.

Well done, Hammond.
Well done. Now, May... Yes?

Frankincense? Yes, I have.

Mary Magdalena, frankincense,

100 % pure from the Holy Land.

No doubting its credentials.
Mate, that's just hotel shampoo.

You took that from your hotel bathroom.
It's a sealed box.

This is from the Holy Land. Myrrh?

I had a bit of problem with myrrh.
Nobody, nobody knows what it is.

So I used my imagination.

Nintendo DS.

You bought a Nintendo DS?
Yes, I did.

A gold model of his own
face and some shampoo.

It's not shampoo. It IS shampoo.

It isn't. It says quite
clearly on the box.

Listen, we'll give it
to the Virgin Mary.

When she goes, "Ooh, frankincense!"

Before she gets it out and says, "
No, you cheapskate," I'll go...

Look at that!

'The next morning, we left
early to avoid being spotted. '

Sad to be leaving what has
gone straight in at number five

in the list of all-time
great cities, Damascus.

As you can hear, I've mended
the engine well. I mended it.

It wasn't an Armenian in a shed
working into the small hours.

'Travelling south, we eventually
reached yet another border. '

Hello. What is this? My hat?

It's not in the right style.
Welcome.

Thank you very much. Welcome.
Thank you very much.

Right, I'm now driving my car of
many colours, and many cylinders,

out of Syria

and into Jordan, a country famous
for not having Bethlehem in it.

Right, Jordan.

Recent history, this is
where Lawrence of Arabia

assembled his Arab raiding
parties under Faisal.

Do you think that we are now
finally deep inside Jordan?

LAUGHS

I like the way I was
interrupted by the smut

from my colleagues there.

As we pushed even
deeper into Jordan,

we came across
something else amazing.

DRAMATIC, EPIC MUSIC

Well, clearly... It's a race track.

.. It's an oval.
It's an oval, yeah.

It's NASCAR, is what it is.

The origins of.
How did the Romans know?

That is foresight. They are talked
of as being advanced. They were.

You know what I'm thinking, chaps.

Let me guess? I think I do.

Here we go, Roman rallying.

Pretty sure we're allowed to do
this, I can't imagine they'd...

Why would they mind?

This was a place of
entertainment, wasn't it, surely?

I'm in the Old Testament in
an MX-5 as we go into second.

Power-sliding through Leviticus.

Automatic is not good for
classical car chariot racing.

Hammond weaving about.

Oh, he's trying to
fill me up with sand!

Exhibition piece of
driving from Hammond

in the front-wheel drive Barchetta.

Now onto the main straight, into
third and into Deuteronomy bend.

'Old Testament NASCAR was
the best motor sport ever,

'apart from one small problem. '

Oh, that's a lot of dust come in.

I can't see a bloody
thing back here.

Sorry!

Bit blind here, racing in fog.

THUD

My helmet. Hold on, I
can't see anything.

Somebody is going to see this dust

and then they're going to come and
then there'll be anger and rage.

Can't see at all now.

Before we smashed a
2,000-year-old Roman pillar,

we decided to agree that
Hammond's Fiat was the fastest

and call it a day.

Absolutely tremendous!

That's the best history
lesson I've ever had!

I think I know why your
car was the fastest.

Why? Do you want to step out?
Here, allow me.

Tyres. What? Tyres?

No, it's very light, much
lighter than it was on lap two.

My arse!

I've lost an entire
buttock... You have.

.. of my beautiful pert
little bottom on this car.

Hammond didn't just
break his own car,

look what he's done to my spotlights!
They've gone, gone!

'Still, at least the Hippodrome race had
prepared us for Jordanian traffic. '

You know what's good about this
slightly chaotic driving style

is that it works because
everybody does it.

Look at that!
Jesus, that was close!

We headed west and soon we arrived
at the final border crossing...

Israel, the one we'd been dreading.

This is it, the Hussein
Bridge over the Jordan River.

We're leaving Jordan
on the dirty passport.

Switching now,

clean passport.

Arriving in Israel.

The man with the
mirror on the stick.

The checks were long and thorough,

but it seemed we'd got away with our
trip through Syria and we were in!

Yes! We're on the way to Bethlehem.

Hang on, little fella, we're
coming, three wise men with gifts.

Sadly, though, for
political reasons,

we'd been advised to avoid
the disputed West Bank

so we were now going in completely
the wrong direction yet again...

.. and I decided to
make the most of it.

I hope the other two don't mind,
but I fancy a small deviation

to go and have a look
at the Sea of Galilee.

'This was a good call
because getting there

'meant driving through
the Golan Heights. '

Look at that!

What a stretch of road!

This is an outrage.
This is just astonishing, this road.

I want to marry it
and have its babies.

'As with everywhere on this journey,
though, there was a catch. '

If you crash off the road
here you go into a minefield.

Literally, a minefield

because, for political reasons,
this was Syria and now it's Israel.

'But even politics couldn't
spoil this moment. '

There you go.
Thank you, little car!

I'm going to make an admission.

Hammond's car is properly quick.

Come on, car, just go!

I'd like to take a bloody Israeli
tank shell to this gearbox.

What an evening.

What an evening!

'And then it got even better. '

Holy Mother of Mary.

Aw, look at that!

That's the Sea of Galilee.

That's one of the most beautiful
things I have ever seen.

Why is the Sea of Galilee, of all the
sort of biblical sites referenced,

the one that makes you feel most...

It's the most evocative? Well, it's
me, because I'm, you know, JC.

No, you're Jeremy Clarkson.

You are healed. I have healed you.

You've taken the
bandage off. Ready?

And the thorn what hath pricked
his arm... No evidence.

It got better of its own...

That's what happens!
It was days ago!

GASPS

I only had one sweet in this
bag and now there are many.

No, it was a bag full of sweets.

The next morning, on
the shores of Galilee,

we had a moment of
quiet contemplation.

".. we still had enough food
left over to fill 12 baskets. "

And then, the
still-delusional Jeremy

offered to cook yet another meal.

There's only two fish.

I don't like fish. Well, there
you are, I've solved it.

It's a miracle.
That is a miracle. Hardly!

We've got enough fish to go round.

I am walking on water now.

You're standing on it.

Walk over there. Yeah.

Miraculous that, mate.
I've invented swimming! Oh, God.

What do you think of that?

'Before Jeremy decided to part
the waters, we moved on. '

I feel awful.

Unfortunately,

it wasn't an angel that
came to me in the night,

it was the trots. Bad.

We were now just 20
miles from Bethlehem,

and what a journey we'd had

through a region that's
made history for 7,000 years

and continues to make
front-page news today.

Unlike the original wise men,
we'd had to take huge detours

around the political
minefields, and the real ones.

And yet somehow we'd made it,

in cars that really weren't
built for this kind of work.

There must have been
people who thought,

they're idiots setting out across
the Middle East and its deserts

in sports cars, but here we are
at the end and I'm still in one.

I can't think of anything I'd
rather have done this journey in

than a small open-top sports car,

because what cars
like this give you,

for a relatively small outlay,

is access to 93 million
miles of blue sky.

You can't really put
a price on that.

This little Fiat has been, it's fair
to say, the surprise of the trip,

because nobody expected it to finish.
Come on, a small Italian sports car?

There have been problems.

One of its buttocks fell off.
Jeremy did that.

The radiator fell off. I did that.

And there's a terrible smell
in here, I definitely did that.

But it's survived them.

It's still here and it's
still making me grin.

Thank you, little mate.

Well, this is it, Jerusalem.

Nothing can go wrong now.

Overtaking manoeuvre coming up.

SMASHING

GUFFAWS

My Hubble pipe! Oh BEEP!

Before James could
do any more damage,

we pulled over in a car
park on the Mount of Olives

so we could decide which
of our cars was the best.

I would like to
speak first on this.

It's rubbish. What?

I'm sorry, there's a
place reserved in Hell

for the man who put that
gearbox in that car.

And it's the ratios. It's a case of
many are called, but few are chosen

and many who are first
shall be fourth,

and many who are third will
actually kick down into second.

It's hopeless!

So, can I just ask, which of our
two would you choose to have?

Which have you looked
at most covetously?

I covet my neighbour's Fiat.

Hee! Really? Good man.

Now, that's very interesting,

because the car of the three
that I would choose is the Fiat.

Eh? I make no bones about it.

I still maintain this is
a fantastic little car.

We all like the Mazda MX-5.
Great car.

I haven't bonded with it.

The steering is lovely, ride's lovely, but
the one thing you don't do is love it.

I never got up and thought,
I hope it's all right!

So, at the end of this trip this is
still a machine to you. A laptop.

So, we're all agreed, and the
Italian car is the most reliable.

Yes. But we have got to get all
these thoughts out of our heads now.

We must complete the programme.

Car enthusiasts, turn off now.
We've just got to finish this journey.

We must complete the
mission. We must.

Soon we arrived in Bethlehem,

and it felt good to be at
the font of peace on earth

and goodwill to all men.

As darkness descended, we saw a
mysterious light in the night sky

and decided to follow it.

This must be the place.

So, here we are,

a shaft of heavenly light indicating
that our quest is at an end.

This is it.

Evidence of shepherds.

I told you there was a mouse. Shh.

We're three wise men and we have
travelled far from the East with gifts.

Gold, shampoo - that was a bit of
a mistake - and an electronic toy.

Let us see this child who
has been born unto us.

Yes, let us. Yes.

GASPS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I wasn't expecting that.

And on that bombshell,

it is time to end.

Thank you so much for
watching, goodnight.

♪ A ray of hope

♪ Flickers in the sky

♪ A tiny star

♪ Lights up way up high

♪ All across the land

♪ Dawns a brand-new morn

♪ This comes to pass...