All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S06E11.Former.Life.of.Brian.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-XLUF_track3_[eng]

It seems todaythat all you see

Is violence in moviesand sex on TV

But where are those
Good old-fashioned values

On whichwe used to rely?

Lucky there'sa family guy

Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

All the thingsthat make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy!

Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home?

About an hour ago. This party sucks.

What happened to your face?

I'm a kitty cat. Stupid face-painters

apparently never heard of Darth Maul.

This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.

Come on. Let's get out of here, Brian.

Wait. Hang on a second.

Who's that?

That's Jared's mom.

Her husband died in Iraq.

Really?

No, wait. He was either wounded or killed.

I don't remember.

Well, which is it, Stewie,
wounded or killed? I can work with either.

No, no, he's dead. He's dead.

Just like the Pink Panther.

- What's wrong with him, Doctor?

Well, it seems his lungs
are completely filled

with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

What? Will he be okay?

No, he won't be okay.

One-third of his body weight

is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

Well, that's it.

But don't worry, he won't burn in hell

thanks to all that

Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

How about that magician, huh?

Yeah, he's great.

I love magicians.

I don't know why, but I've
always found magic very sexy.

- I'm a magician.
- You are?

How long have you been doing magic?

Oh, long time.
I used to work with Doug Henning.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Want to see my Doug Henning?

Welcome to the wonderful world of magic.

Hope I don't get AIDS.

Oh, God, that is so my humor.

You know, my son's birthday party

is next weekend.

Any chance I can hire you to do your act?

Absolutely!

I think the magic's
starting to happen already.

Brian, this is painful.

It's like listening to those
two foreign guys

down at the coffee shop
who've been living in the US

almost long enough to sound American.

Oh, man, what a good bunch

of partying at that discotheque.

They played one of my audience requests.

Way awesome.

I myself drank, like, five liters of beer.

Any more and I would have
ended up in hospital, man.

Oh, you said it, friend.

But I wanted to stay

'cause I almost had sex on this girl.

Oh, yeah! But it was so expensive.

Each drink was, like, six dollars 40.

And if I've done this right,

then this is your card, Stewie.

Really, Brian? Card tricks?

That's what's gonna close
the deal with this woman?

Well, yeah. Why not?

You need more than that. You need an act.

Listen, I'll be your assistant,

and we'll put on a whole big show.

- Really?
- Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks.

You can even split me in half.

- What?
- Saw me in half.

Well, I am still a little shaky
on some of this stuff.

I guess I could use the help.

Great. And we'll get you
a wand, a top hat and a cape.

In fact, you can use Peter's cape

from last year's Halloween costume.

Hi, Brian.

I'm Count Crotchula, the bulging vampire.

I'll bite your neck,

but also look how big I am down there.

That costume doesn't make any sense.

Don't stifle my creativity!

See that bulge down there, Brian.

What is that? What is it?

Can't be my pointy teeth,

'cause those are all the way up here.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Happy Halloween.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show.

How about a big round of applause

for The Amazing Brian?

I can't believe I agreed
to four costume changes.

Oh, who am I kidding? I insisted on it.

Brian, thanks so much for doing this.

Paul and I are so excited to see your act.

Oh, thank... Wait. What?

Paul, my boyfriend.

Paul, this is Brian.

Boyfriend? Oh, come on!

I paid $800 for all this crap!

You have a boyfriend?

- Yeah.
- And I'm a great guy. I'm unemployed,

but that makes her feel useful
in the relationship.

I'm gonna fix him.

Our relationship
will do fine on that basis.

If he had his life together,
I wouldn't be into it.

But I don't.

God! I am so sick of this crap!

Is this the show?

You know what? The hell with both of you!
I'm outta here!

Are we doing this thing or what?

Brian? Brian?

Well, this was a lot of effort
for nothing...

like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey

how much he sucks.

You know, Matthew, I may not ever get

another chance to say this,

so I just want to get this off my chest.

You are just awful.

You're one of the worst actors
in the history of film...

And I think that you need to go away.

Oh, thanks, man.

The truth is I spend
at least 90% of my year

going away, exploring exotic places,

having sex with my beautiful girlfriend,
just doing sit-ups.

I mean, I really...
And then counting money.

Money that I made off the terrible films

that I put out into the American populace

because they just love to see me

doing what it is that I do.

Yes, but you're not hearing me.

Dazed and Confused was the one thing
that was passable.

- After that...
- Oh, thanks, man.

That actually launched my career.

After that, everything else was awful.

Contact, they didn't
even need you in that movie.

They could have done
the whole movie without you.

I know. I know. I said the same thing.

But they were just, like,
"Oh, we need a good-looking guy

"with a great ass and some tight abs

"to just provide some down-home
enthusiasm in this picture.

"Something to counterbalance
Jodie Foster."

They took her to be, uh, slightly cold,

uh, unapproachable, do you know?

So they put me in there.
I said it didn't make any sense.

Said the same thing

about that Bill Murray elephant movie,

but they were just, like,
"Oh, the audiences need you."

You make me physically sick to my stomach,

and I wish that you would
get a heart attack.

I totally feel you, man.

Truth of the matter is,
I don't like my movies either,

but, man, they just keep offering me money

and I do it and I get
to go around the world.

I mean, did you see Sahara?

I tell you what the move gave me

was an opportunity to take
an Airstream all across the country

and sell that picture
one person at a time.

- You suck donkey ass.
- Now, you can't prove that.

That was so humiliating!

I mean, look at all the stuff

I put myself through just to get laid.

Oh, don't worry, my friend.

One day you'll find your soul mate.

The sad thing is I already did, years ago.

Tracy Flannigan.

She was the greatest girl I ever met,

and I blew it.

You should look her up.

Oh, am I boring you?

No, it's just... long day.

Well, I suppose I could look her up.

I just wonder if she'd even
want to see me.

I wasn't exactly the nicest
guy in the world.

And then, in high school,

I was violated sexually by my father.

It happened on numerous occasions,

and I was too afraid to tell anyone

because I felt like
somehow it was my fault.

So... you do go all the way.

Well, here goes.

Uh, Tracy?

Tracy Flannigan?

Oh, my God,

Brian Griffin, is that you?

Uh, yeah, it's me.

And all he wants is to kiss you

just one more time.

Wow, you sure look... different

than the last time I saw you.

Yeah, haircut.

So to get out of here I just make a left

out of the driveway
and drive as fast as I can?

Wait. Brian,

I'm actually glad you found me.

There's someone I've wanted you to meet

for a long time.

From the look at those toenails,

I bet it's that little Lamisil monster.

Brian, this is Dylan.

He's... your son.

Oh, no way!

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy.

That's so weird.

It smells like there's a cat,

but I bet there's no cat.

I've wanted you to meet Dylan
for a long time, Brian.

Well, Brian, a son.

How about that?

My God, this is more uncomfortable

than the good-bye in The Wizard of Oz.

Good-bye, Tin Man.

Good-bye, Dorothy.

Good-bye, Lion.

Good-bye, Dorothy.

And I think I'll miss you
most of all, Scarecrow.

Oh, okay.
That's kind of an odd thing to say.

Yeah, sort of a weird comment
right in front of all of us.

Kinda thought this was a team effort.

Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad

I risked my life and everything.

Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone

- and you leave with that?
- Yeah.

You know, it's like cutting a huge fart

and then walking out of the room.

And that's how we'll remember you,

as a big fart.

Good-bye, big fart.

So, Dylan, um, shouldn't you be in school?

- I don't know.
- It's Wednesday.

- Up yours!
- Nice kid.

Say, Brian, now that I think about it,

how can you possibly
have a 13-year-old son

- when you yourself are only seven?
- Well, those are dog years.

That doesn't make any sense.

You know what, Stewie?
If you don't like it,

go on the Internet and complain.

Oh, it was awful.
That kid was a complete thug.

I'm telling you, I couldn't
get out of there fast enough.

Boy, Brian, you dodged a bullet

not having to raise that kid.

Your life would have been more miserable

than a lonely old widow living
in a downstairs apartment.

- Quiet! Keep it down up there!

- What did I just say?

I'm calling the police!

I don't know, Brian.

Don't you think you have
a responsibility to your son?

Hey, Lois, I didn't even know
I had a son until today.

And besides, it's not like
Tracy ever asked for my help.

Yeah, it seemed like
they're all set without you.

She's done a fine job

creating a child-friendly
environment... a-roni...

Great parenting.

I don't know, Brian.

Raising a child is a very
rewarding experience.

You know what else is rewarding, Lois?
Shuttin' your vag.

- What?
- What?

Dylan! What are you doing here?

My mom wanted me to give you this.

"To Brian from Tracy.
He's your problem now.

"PS Will you write me
a letter of recommendation

"for the University of Phoenix?"

No. No, I'm not gonna
put myself on the line like that.

But Dylan, my God!

Everybody, this handsome muscular boy

is Brian's son, Dylan.

Dylan is gonna be staying
with us for a while.

Dylan, it's so nice to meet you.

Shut up, bitch!

Oh! He got you, Lois.

No, no, no! Tracy can't do this.

She can't just leave him here.

Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian.

After all, he is family.

I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep?

He could sleep in Stewie's room.

Would you like that, sweetie?

No, my pants just got shorter
'cause I hated the idea.

And this is Chris.

Chris, this is my son, Dylan.

Hi, Dylan.

All this stuff in here is mine now.

Oh. Well...

Okay, but be careful opening the closet,

'cause that's where the evil monkey lives.

Yay!

I haven't been in my closet for years!

Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

Something on your mind, son?

Shut up, dude.
You're just a fat old bastard.

Well, not to get technical,
sir, but you are the bastard.

Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!

I hate you all!

I didn't ask to be born.

If I had a gun, I would kill you all!

Did you hear that, Lois?

Now we know what to get him for Christmas.

Oh! I love the holidays.

Brian, you have got
to get Dylan under control.

He's terrorizing the whole family.

Yeah, you wouldn't believe
what he did to Meg yesterday.

He made her watch the other 178 hours

of Monty Python stuff

that isn't funny or memorable.

I have a pethedgehog named Zippy

and I shall walkher to town,

and each time my foothits the ground,

I shall say,"Boing, boing, boing."

I'm a girl!

I don't even like
the good Monty Python sketches.

Don't worry, I got it under control, Lois.

I'm monitoring Dylan from here
on Stewie's baby monitor.

Hey, Dylan.
Hey, come on in here for a sec.

Stewie, why are you nude?

Oh, justa little something I do

once a week around here
called a naked tea party.

Got my teacup here.

Now all I needis a tea bag.

That's something that
interests you, my friend?

You're weird.

Yeah, and you're attractive.
Now take your pants off!

I'm outta here.

Oh, did you see that, Rupert?

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Seconds,

starringStewie Griffin, huh?

Gee whiz.

Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on?

I just woke up from a nap
and I feel drafty.

Peter, we don't have air conditioning.

Well, that's awful peculiar.

Oh, my God. Peter, look.

Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell?

Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh.

There we are.

That's it. I'm telling Brian

he has to rein Dylan in once and for all.

Hey, where is Brian, anyway?

Oh, thanks, Lois.

Dylan put this paper bag on my head

and I could not, for the life of me,

figure out how to get it off.

The kid's a sociopath.

Well, it's time
you laid down the law with him.

I couldn't agree more.

I am gonna kick him out of this house

faster than NASA kicked out
the Cocoa Puffs bird.

Okay, your physical exam was within range.

You aced the flight simulator.

I guess all that's left
is the psychological screening.

- Okay.
- How do you feel about this?

Ah, oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs.

No, that's not me anymore.

I'm just here to fly, sir.

All right, Dylan. You know what?
This isn't working out.

All right?
I don't care that I'm your father,

and you don't care that you're my son.

We don't have anything in common.

I think it's best
if you just get out of this house.

Fine. I hate it here anyhow.

Get out of my way.

My pot! Your pot?

And then in chapter 28 of my novel,

the other pilots
finally trust the Japanese pilot

and let him... let him into... um...

their group.

Dude, that is an amazing story.

Hey. Hey, what if, um,

they were Korean pilots?

Yeah. Um, I'm not really
looking for notes,

but you know, Dylan,
I gotta tell you something.

I'm sorry I wasn't around
when you were growing up.

Don't. Just... just don't.

If I had known
having a son could be like this...

- How dare you?
- I didn't know!

You had no right, man. No right.

- It wasn't my fault.
- You weren't there for me.

Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be?

Shh. Shh. It's okay.

It's okay. Look,

I know I wasn't there for you, man.

for all those years, but...
that's gonna change.

It's gonna be different from now on.

And I'm gonna make you
into a better person,

starting first thing tomorrow.

Just passing through.
See anything you like, speak up.

Hey, there, everybody.

Was somebody looking for a son

with a bright new path to adulthood

and his very, very proud dad?

Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut.

Aren't you handsome?

From now on,
I plan on being a real father to Dylan,

and together, we are gonna turn
his life around. Right, champ?

You said it, Dad.

All right! You ready for school?

Yeah. Hey, can I drive today?

Oh, this kid! He's only 13.

I know. I was just kidding.

Oh. We got
a young Adam Sandler here, I think.

Right?

- Right?
- Yes.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye!

All right, kids.
Have a good day at school.

Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school.

Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock-knock.

- Who's there?
- You're there.

I'll always be there, Dylan.

Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.

Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.

Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.

Hi! I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving

Inflatable, Arm-Flailing
Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.

As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit,

I am now in possession
of hundreds of palettes

of crudely painted, not-so-funny

plywood cutout folk art,

and it's just waiting to transform

your uncut, trash-strewn lawn
into a living canvas

that tells passers-by, "Hey, everyone,

"a real funny bugger lives here."

Your neighbors will chuckle warmly,

and motorists will slow down and applaud

when they cast their eyes
on such favorites as...

Sort-of Benand Jerry's-Looking Cow.

Black Silhouetted CowboyLeaning on Barn,

and everybody's favorite,

Fat Woman Bending Over
Tending to Her Garden

in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers.

Most of this stuff is priced to move

and until it does,
it's an enormous fire hazard,

so please, come see me,
on Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Look for
the Sort-of Benand Jerry's Cow out front!

We interrupt this program
to bring you grim news

out of LaGuardia Airport,

where a 767 has been forced
to make a crash landing.

Oh, man, I tell you,
now that I'm a parent,

I can't even watch stories like that.

I just think, you know, I just think,

"Oh, my God,
what if Dylan were on that plane?"

Oh, my God, oh,
I just don't know what I would do.

I don't know what I would do.

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

- That'd be tough.
- Oh, oh, no. Oh, no.

No, no. No, no, no.

Quagmire, no. You do not understand.

Until you have a child...
Until you have a child,

you do not understand. Okay?

Damn it.

It's been like this all week.
Watch this...

Hey, Brian, what would you do
if Dylan fell out a window?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I don't even want to think about that.

I don't even want to think about that.
Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Brian, what would you do
if Dylan was in a fire?

Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no.

Knock on wood, knock on wood.
Knock on wood.

Oh, I can't hear any more of this.

Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes.

Oh, boy, you're not kidding.

I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's

had never even told him he had a kid.

Well, wait a minute, Peter.
Maybe that's the answer.

You just gotta
get his mother to take him back.

How the hell am I supposed to do that?

She's an idiot redneck, Peter.

Tricking her should be easier

than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz.

Can I go through here?

Just be back by bedtime.

Okay.

Lunch is ready, everyone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, Lois.

This is... this is white bread.

Yeah. So?

Well, don't we have any
of that whole-grain stuff?

No. This was cheaper.

I just... I just... I don't want
Dylan eating white bread.

Brian, there's nothing wrong
with it. Our kids eat...

Lois, Lois,
I do not want Dylan eating white bread.

Brian, I promise you, it's fine.

Lois. Lois, Lois.

I will decide what is best
for my child, all right?

Look, will you take it easy?

And, and, I do not want
to have this conversation

in front of my son.

Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian.

Feed him whatever you want.
Tell... tell you what.

Go up to my jewelry box,
take my gold jewelry.

Melt it down.
Make it into bread and feed him that.

That good enough?

Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?

Hey, everybody!

Look who's back to pick up her son.

This isn't The Price is Right.

You said we were going
to The Price is Right.

Peter. What the hell is this?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Tracy wants Dylan back.

Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy?

- What a joyous family reunion.

Isn't this great, Brian?

Now Dylan can go back with his mom,

and you can stop acting
like such a jackass.

So that's what this is all about, huh?

I must say, you have been

a little insufferable lately, Brian.

We just want the old you back, that's all.

Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been

acting different lately, all right?

But that's only because
I've truly connected

with the one bit of flesh and blood

that I have on this earth.

And I have no intention of giving that up.

Who wants a half-and-half?

Oh, I'll throw my hat into that ring.

Wait a minute, Dad.

I think maybe I should go with her.

What? Dylan, why?

Look at her. She needs me...

a lot more than you do.

But we were just starting
to make a real connection.

Listen. I'll always be grateful to you

for turning my life around,
but now, thanks to you,

I finally have a chance
to transform my mom's life

in the same way you transformed mine.

Wow.

You know, I guess a dad
couldn't ask for more than that.

I'm proud of you, Dylan.

My life will never be
the same for knowing you.

Good-bye and...

good luck.

Good-bye, Dad.

Come on, Mom. Let's go.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

I'm gonna miss that boy.

You know, I just finally figured it out.

She looks like a really hot Tim Russert.

Right?

- Right?
- Yes.