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1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,546
It seems today that all you see
2
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:08,300
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,720
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:14,389
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,227
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,688
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,232
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,942
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:29,696
He's a family guy
10
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,455
This was such a great idea
for a weekend activity.
11
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,415
Well, I thought it'd be good
to get out of the house.
12
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:42,876
I don't like the kids being around
that racist sunflower
13
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,628
that's growing in our yard.
14
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:48,006
Hey, boy, don't you come walking
by this house.
15
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,216
You're ignorant.
16
00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:55,722
Hey, Mr. Eel. You're slippery.
17
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,432
Oops, got away.
18
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,435
Left my hand smelling funny.
19
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:03,063
Come here, Jesse. Smell my finger.
20
00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,906
Today was a good day.
21
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:17,995
Hey, look, kids, it's a re-creation
of the lost city of New Orleans.
22
00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:27,337
Dad, was there ever
a real city of New Orleans?
23
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:30,507
No one knows, Chris. No one knows.
24
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,387
Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper.
25
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,306
I'm working my way through college.
26
00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,558
I should be more reluctant
to take my clothes off,
27
00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:42,895
but I'm not because
my stepfather had boundary issues.
28
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:49,151
Hey, there, Mr. Octopus.
I see you got two eyes but not much else.
29
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,861
We can fix that.
30
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:54,406
Let's give you a nice,
tweedlie little mustache here.
31
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,784
And maybe
a big, old dumb-guy smiley mouth.
32
00:01:57,910 --> 00:02:01,872
And a couple of eyebrows with one
raised up like you're saying, "Say what?"
33
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:04,166
Look who's got pimples.
34
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:07,002
And right before the big dance.
35
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,837
(ALL SCREAMING)
36
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:12,883
-Help! It's so sucky and squeezy!
-I'll handle this.
37
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,469
I've tangled
with the likes of these before.
38
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:23,268
Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.
39
00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:26,355
Ah, it was nothing.
That's how I caught old Woody over there.
40
00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:36,823
In other news, former President
Bill Clinton was in town today
41
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:40,452
to judge Quahog's annual
Miss Cankle USA contest.
42
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,123
Now that's a cankle.
43
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:48,001
Where does the calf fat end
and the ankle fat begin?
44
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,546
Who knows? That's the fun.
45
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,799
-Brian, what is this on my shoe?
-My poop.
46
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,884
That's right, and it's disgusting.
47
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:58,470
I am sick of you using the front yard
as your bathroom.
48
00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:01,223
It's time you learned to use the toilet
like everyone else.
49
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:04,101
I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze,
I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze.
50
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,269
(SNEEZES)
51
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,479
(SCREAMING)
52
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,025
Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym.
53
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,319
Okay, see you... Wait. What?
54
00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:15,821
Since when do you go to the gym?
55
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,656
Well, it's just that whole thing
at the aquarium
56
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,825
made me realize
I'm completely out of shape.
57
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,910
I mean, what if I run into
that octopus again?
58
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,495
Peter, that's ridiculous.
59
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:26,456
Ready for round two, man? I got all day.
60
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,083
Hey, is that your wife?
61
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:34,339
Hey, I didn't know you guys
work out here.
62
00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,800
Yeah, it's a weekly regimen.
Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it.
63
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,178
Come on, come on, push it, push it.
Push it, come on, it's all you.
64
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,846
It's all you, it's all... Hey.
65
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,557
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn,
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
66
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:47,853
JOE: Will you guys quiet down?
I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.
67
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,192
Hey, you guys the trainers here?
68
00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:55,861
Why, look, Barnaby,
a new recreation enthusiast.
69
00:03:55,944 --> 00:04:00,115
We'll start off your workout with vigorous
calisthenics executed in rhythmic time
70
00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:04,203
with acetate pressings
of the new musical craze called jazz.
71
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,831
Steak and eggs and eggs and steak
72
00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:10,417
That's what you should have for breakfast
73
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:11,502
Delicious
74
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:14,880
Steak and eggs and eggs and steak
75
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:17,591
Just making sure you heard
76
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:18,675
I got it
77
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,181
-How do you think it works?
-I have no idea.
78
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,391
Look, Lois told me
I had to start using the toilet
79
00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:27,768
and you're the one
who's had potty training,
80
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,311
so I'm counting on you to help me.
81
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,898
All right, we're two intelligent guys.
We can figure this out.
82
00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:35,859
What's that big back part?
83
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,862
Maybe that's where the wizard lives
who operates this thing.
84
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,989
It would be wise not to anger him.
85
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:42,282
I wonder what this thing is for.
86
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,785
Brian, be careful with that.
We don't know what it does.
87
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,119
All right, here goes.
88
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,789
Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful.
Careful. Careful.
89
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:49,915
(TOILET FLUSHES)
90
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,625
(BOTH SCREAMING)
91
00:04:56,338 --> 00:05:00,509
Don't mind me, you guys.
I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend.
92
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:05,597
"Dear my boyfriend. Thank you for
making out with me recently on purpose.
93
00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:09,017
"That was cool.
Those flowers that you totally sent me
94
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:12,729
"were really pretty,
just like you said I am.
95
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:13,981
"Love, Meg."
96
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,774
Meg, you are so full of crap.
97
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,985
You're like those people
who sit in Starbucks
98
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,237
and publicly write on their laptops.
99
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,072
Hey, getting some writing
done there, buddy?
100
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:26,118
Yeah, setting up in public so everybody
can watch me type my big screenplay.
101
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,620
Me, too.
All real writers need to be seen writing.
102
00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:30,122
Otherwise, what's the point, right?
103
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:33,208
-You should totally write that down.
-Okay. Will you watch me?
104
00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:35,419
Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family.
105
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:37,379
Check out my bulging rippliness.
106
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:40,841
Peter, you've been to the gym once
for 15 minutes.
107
00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:43,343
And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian.
108
00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,470
I'd rip a phone book in half,
but for the life of me,
109
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:47,681
I don't know anyone who uses
a phone book anymore.
110
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,349
So I'll use Meg's laptop.
111
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:51,018
(GRUNTING)
112
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,604
Dad! What the hell?
113
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,484
(GRUNTS)
114
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,195
Look at him in that tank top.
115
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:05,240
He looks more pathetic than John Merrick
when he went on match.com.
116
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,869
There's no way you're a size six.
117
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,623
I haven't felt this good in years.
118
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:14,374
I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger
119
00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:16,919
without the fruity accent
and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.
120
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:18,629
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
121
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:21,381
Excuse me, sir. Secret Service.
122
00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,217
I wonder if we might ask
for your assistance.
123
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,426
Yeah, what's the problem?
124
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:26,053
We're with President Clinton's motorcade.
125
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:28,430
It seems he blew a tire
in front of your house.
126
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,307
Would you happen to have
a jack we could borrow?
127
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,559
You don't need a jack. I am a jack.
128
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,811
Come on, I'll lift that thing for you.
129
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,356
Hey, I appreciate your help, man.
130
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:40,567
We're a little overloaded 'cause
I'm having a fat-chick party back here.
131
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:41,693
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
132
00:06:41,777 --> 00:06:44,321
All right, girls. I've turned off the A/C.
133
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,158
First one to have a bead of neck sweat
reach their butt crack wins.
134
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,160
All right, boys,
now watch how this is done.
135
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,788
The key is to put it all in your groin
and your back.
136
00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:55,040
Take your legs
totally out of the equation.
137
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:57,793
Lift with your lower back
in a jerking, twisting motion.
138
00:06:57,876 --> 00:06:59,169
(CRACKING)
139
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:00,462
-Peter!
-Oh, my God!
140
00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:01,672
Call an ambulance!
141
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,967
CLINTON: All right, so which one
of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?
142
00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,013
How's the hernia, Peter?
143
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,932
You know what
the worst part of it is, Lois?
144
00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:15,060
I thought I was just out of shape,
but that ain't it at all.
145
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,980
I gotta face the fact
that I'm just getting old.
146
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,106
CLINTON: Knock, knock.
147
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,983
Mr. President, what are you doing here?
148
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,777
Well, I felt so bad
that Peter hurt himself fixing my car,
149
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:26,071
I wanted to stop by
and extend my good wishes.
150
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:30,284
Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, can I get
a picture of you on my cell phone?
151
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,368
Sure.
152
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,536
(CAMERA CLICKS)
153
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,121
You know where I got that nipple ring?
154
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,915
Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright
gave it to me.
155
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,293
Say, you look
like you're pretty down, Peter.
156
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:43,046
Ah, it's just that I'm starting to realize
I'm not as young as I used to be.
157
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,131
I hear you.
158
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,634
After my bypass, I remember wondering
if it was all downhill from there.
159
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:51,638
But then I realized it doesn't have to be.
You're only as young as you feel.
160
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,932
I don't know, Reagan,
I wish I could believe that.
161
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,559
I'm going to make you believe it.
162
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,685
When you get out of here,
163
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,313
I'm going to take you out
and show you the time of your life.
164
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:00,564
And by the time we're done,
165
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,108
I promise you're going to feel
like a young man again.
166
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:05,819
-Well, if you really think it'll help.
-I sure do.
167
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,906
Know what else will help?
A little saxophone therapy.
168
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,991
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
169
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,350
You can have me.
170
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,268
(GIGGLING)
171
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,191
What's that?
172
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,943
Well, since I couldn't help you
learn to use the toilet,
173
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,402
I found something that can.
174
00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,947
It's an instructional video
on toilet training.
175
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,782
Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider.
176
00:08:51,949 --> 00:08:54,451
And today we're going to learn
to use the potty.
177
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,912
Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank.
178
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,038
How's it going, Hank?
179
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,291
I'm hungry for your poo.
Don't make me starve.
180
00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:07,548
Remember, it's all about relaxing,
181
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:10,133
and letting your body do,
what it does naturally.
182
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:11,260
(BOTH SCREAMING)
183
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,553
What the hell?
184
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:15,764
ROY: Now, here's Susan Saint James
to powder my ass.
185
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,517
All right, Peter, we've got
a big day ahead of us.
186
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:21,395
I'm going to show you
that age is just a state of mind.
187
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:22,688
Come on, hop in my limo.
188
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,566
Wow, a limo! Shotgun!
189
00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,528
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
190
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:32,573
-Watch the screen, not your feet.
-Bill, shut up, I got it.
191
00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:33,949
MAN ON PA: Number 32.
192
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,409
Oh, no, our pizza's ready.
193
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,160
Tag out, man, tag out.
194
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:41,164
I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
195
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:44,501
Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic
196
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:48,338
Come on, Barbie, let's go party
Ah, ah, ah, yeah
197
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:53,510
Oh, boy, this is going to be fun.
I haven't made a crank call in years.
198
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,053
(GIGGLING)
199
00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:56,638
Quiet, quiet. It's ringing.
200
00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:59,474
-LINDA: Hello?
-Hello, is this Linda Tripp?
201
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:00,559
Yes.
202
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:03,604
You shouldn't have talked,
you stupid bitch! I hope you die!
203
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:08,400
Boy, that, uh... That wasn't really
a crank call. That was...
204
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,652
-That was just unpleasant.
-Sorry about that.
205
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:13,405
It's okay. You know what, Bill?
You were right.
206
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:16,700
Ever since you and I have been
hanging out, I feel 20 years younger.
207
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,744
You've completely changed my life.
208
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:22,080
See, I told you, Peter.
Age is just a state of mind.
209
00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:26,084
-So what do you want to do next?
-Go to Mars, dude.
210
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:32,257
-Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.
-Me, too.
211
00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,176
Hey! Hey, pull over, man! Pull over!
212
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:41,350
Dude, check it out.
There's a pig behind that fence.
213
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:46,605
-Oh, yeah, I see it.
-Dude, we could eat that pig.
214
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:47,731
What?
215
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,651
Dude, come on.
We could totally eat that pig.
216
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:53,946
We could... We could do it, man.
We could. It'd be so easy, man.
217
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:57,699
-It would take, like, a minute.
-Could it really be that fast?
218
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:02,329
Peter, that pig could be in our stomachs
in, like, one minute, and then we could...
219
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,706
And then...
And then we could do other stuff.
220
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:06,542
(LAUGHING)
221
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:10,963
All right. I'm starved. Let's do it.
222
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,841
(PIG SQUEALING)
223
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:16,426
Who's there?
224
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:18,470
Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
225
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:25,060
Doggone it! If he wanted a pig,
why didn't he just take my wife?
226
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,812
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
227
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:30,232
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
228
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,568
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
229
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,404
(YOUR LOVE HAD TAKEN ME
THAT HIGH PLAYING)
230
00:11:50,294 --> 00:11:52,504
Hello, old friend.
231
00:11:52,588 --> 00:11:53,589
(SCREAMING)
232
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:54,882
What the hell?
233
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:58,385
No! No! You do not go on this lawn!
234
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,095
Brian, I've had enough of this.
235
00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:03,140
It's more disgusting than
when you gave me that Christmas gift.
236
00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:06,351
Oh, what is it? A little birdie?
237
00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:10,480
Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!
238
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,567
Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting!
239
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,361
-Oh, my God! Get it out of here!
-I'm... I'm sorry.
240
00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,030
I thought... I thought you'd like it.
241
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,032
Brian, I love it!
242
00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:24,620
I'm going to call you Stickyhead.
I love you, Stickyhead.
243
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:28,332
Brian, if you're not going to use
the toilet, there's only one solution.
244
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:31,668
Hey, Brian, did you know
that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?
245
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:32,753
-He is?
-No,
246
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:34,546
but doesn't that sound like
something that could be true?
247
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:38,050
Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper!
You look silly.
248
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,594
-Why? You wear a diaper.
-Yes, but I'm a baby.
249
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:41,929
People see my diaper, and they say,
250
00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:44,598
"Oh, how cute!
I bet he smells like baby powder."
251
00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:47,809
They see your diaper and think,
"That dog is sick. He must be dying.
252
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:50,687
"I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet.
Why don't they just put him to sleep?"
253
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,689
You know, at this point,
I'd probably welcome that.
254
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:55,526
Oh, hey, come on, man.
You just got to get used to it.
255
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:58,612
Hey, have you gone yet?
Have you popped your butt cherry?
256
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:01,198
You know, you should be more sensitive
to my humiliation.
257
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,284
Remember how bad you felt when
you drew that picture for Peter and Lois?
258
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:09,164
-Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!
-This is going right up on the fridge.
259
00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:10,707
Really? The fridge?
260
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:13,502
It's like we have
a little Michelangelo in the house.
261
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:16,171
Okay! See you guys later.
262
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,386
I almost lost it
when you said to put it on the fridge.
263
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:26,139
I know! I mean, what the hell is this
supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus?
264
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:28,058
Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this.
265
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,602
What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it.
266
00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:31,979
(PETER SPITTING)
267
00:13:34,565 --> 00:13:35,941
(SNORING)
268
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,569
-Peter!
-Oh! Oh, Lois.
269
00:13:38,694 --> 00:13:40,988
Oh... Let me make you some coffee.
270
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,198
(SQUEALING)
271
00:13:45,284 --> 00:13:48,370
CHRIS: Oh, boy, a pig!
Can we keep it? It bit me!
272
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,664
What the hell
did you and Bill do last night?
273
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,500
We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.
274
00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:56,837
Peter, that former President Clinton
is nothing but a bad influence!
275
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,464
I forbid you to hang out with him anymore.
276
00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:02,009
No way.
Bill Clinton makes me feel young.
277
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,052
Not like you,
with your Judd Hirsch sweater
278
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:06,597
and your bag of Werther's Originals.
279
00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:11,560
Well, if he won't listen, I'm just going
to have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.
280
00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:17,524
Mr. President, I need to have
a word with you!
281
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:21,320
Wow! You certainly are very persuasive.
282
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,779
So I've been told.
283
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:25,324
Hey, you wanna give me that cigar?
I'm ready to smoke it now.
284
00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:34,166
What the hell was I thinking?
I don't know what came over me.
285
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,293
Oh, God! What am I going to do?
286
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:39,671
Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling?
I swiped some money out of Lois's purse.
287
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:43,550
I don't think she'll notice because
she's here humping you!
288
00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:47,095
Peter! Look, I know this looks bad,
and I feel horrible,
289
00:14:47,179 --> 00:14:49,598
and I know nothing I could say to you
290
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:53,268
could possibly justify
why I slept with Bill except...
291
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,478
I mean, Peter,
292
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:59,525
the man presided over the longest
economic expansion in US history,
293
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:03,070
and he reduced
the percentage of Americans on welfare
294
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:06,573
to its lowest level in 33 years.
295
00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:09,201
-35 years.
-35 years, Peter.
296
00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:12,371
Well, well. I learned something today.
297
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:15,457
Apparently, there's the side
of Bill Clinton the world knows,
298
00:15:15,541 --> 00:15:18,794
and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side
only I know.
299
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,712
I'm so sorry, Peter.
300
00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:24,716
Lois, I think maybe it's better
if I stay at Quagmire's for a while.
301
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,218
I understand.
302
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,262
Hey, Lois, you up
for a little exit polling?
303
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:30,806
Oh, God! I've been a worse wife
304
00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:33,684
than Lorena Bobbitt
when she was married to the Thing.
305
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,937
Oh, my God! Where is it?
Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God!
306
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,022
Is this what you're looking for?
307
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:43,402
I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.
308
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,029
Look, Peter, I know this is
a very difficult time for you,
309
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:49,283
but I want you to know I'm...
I'm here for you if you need anything.
310
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,119
Quagmire, I know your heart's
in the right place,
311
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:54,705
but I need to sort this out for myself.
312
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:57,749
I haven't misjudged someone this bad
since my last physical.
313
00:15:57,958 --> 00:16:01,795
All right.
The doctor will be in in a few minutes.
314
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:03,005
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
315
00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:06,049
LOIS: Peter? Peter, are you in there?
It's me.
316
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,051
What do you want?
317
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:11,180
Honey, I just feel awful
about this whole situation.
318
00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:15,475
Peter, I think I've got a solution
that'll make things right for both of us.
319
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:16,560
I'm listening.
320
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:20,105
Well, the way I figure it, the only way
to even things out between us
321
00:16:20,189 --> 00:16:22,566
is if you have sex with someone else, too.
322
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,694
You want to get me laid?
323
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:28,447
Yes, Peter,
because I don't want to lose you.
324
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:32,284
Well, it would make us even. All right,
Lois, if you really think it'll work.
325
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,162
Trust me. It'll work better
than the first telephone.
326
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:38,040
Well, we did it, Watson.
What an afternoon.
327
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,334
We've finally perfected
the first telephone.
328
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:44,213
Yeah. Hey, listen,
somebody called me today.
329
00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:47,382
Whoever it was said some
very sexual things.
330
00:16:47,466 --> 00:16:49,676
Some very angry, sexual things.
331
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,721
Oh, really?
Probably just some teenagers somewhere.
332
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,515
-Damn them.
-(STUTTERING) Well, that's the thing.
333
00:16:54,598 --> 00:16:57,184
I mean, there's only two phones in the...
334
00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:00,020
Well, in the world, and one of them
is in my office,
335
00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:01,855
and the other's in your office,
336
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:05,067
and those two didn't even exist
until about a few hours ago.
337
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:07,945
Yikes! I could use a distraction
right now.
338
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,114
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.
339
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:13,784
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
340
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,663
(YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
THIS FAR BEFORE PLAYING)
341
00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:36,765
All right, Peter, who's it going to be?
Who do you want to sleep with?
342
00:17:36,849 --> 00:17:39,351
Who we kidding, Lois?
This is never going to work.
343
00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:43,021
-Let's just forget the whole thing.
-No, honey, it's got to work.
344
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,399
Just pick somebody,
and I'll make it happen.
345
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:48,569
Deep down, in your heart of hearts,
if it could be anyone in the world,
346
00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:51,655
who would it be?
Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?
347
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,657
-Anybody I want?
-Anybody.
348
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:56,702
-Don't be afraid to tell me.
-Babs.
349
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,579
-My mother?
-Yeah.
350
00:17:58,662 --> 00:18:00,664
Why?
351
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,750
It was my understanding that there
would be no questions asked.
352
00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:05,836
I'm just curious. It's a little weird.
353
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,881
Look, you know what? She's hot.
Guilty, all right?
354
00:18:08,964 --> 00:18:10,966
I haven't been so struck
by a woman's beauty
355
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:14,595
since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler
on the set of Pulp Fiction.
356
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:18,140
No. You can't promise something like that.
357
00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:20,267
I have no idea
what you're going to say to me.
358
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,436
So you can go ahead
and say what you're going to say
359
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,646
and my natural response
could be to get offended.
360
00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,691
Then, through no fault of my own,
I wouldn't have kept my promise.
361
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,151
PETER: Hang on!
362
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,237
Okay!
363
00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:37,618
Well, Lois, this is
an unexpected surprise.
364
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,745
You and Peter should drop by more often.
365
00:18:39,912 --> 00:18:42,289
Well, we were in the neighborhood,
and Peter said,
366
00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,625
"Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful?
367
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,628
Will you people quiet down?
I'm trying to watch Medium.
368
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,046
You know what? Daddy's right.
369
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,548
Let's go upstairs
where we won't bother him.
370
00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:56,512
Good. All right. Go, Medium!
Wish I could talk to ghosts.
371
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,263
That would be sweet!
372
00:18:58,514 --> 00:19:02,476
Mom, could we sit down for a second?
I have to ask you something.
373
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:03,685
What is it, Lois?
374
00:19:03,769 --> 00:19:06,230
Well, Peter and I have hit
a snag in our marriage.
375
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,315
I won't go into details.
376
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:12,903
But it turns out that the only way
to make things right seems to be...
377
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:17,741
It... It's, uh...
Oh, boy, what's the best way to say this?
378
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:22,120
Mom, would you have sex with Peter?
379
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,373
-Of course, dear.
-Really?
380
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:28,627
Carter's been most insufferable lately,
and this would just stick in his craw.
381
00:19:28,752 --> 00:19:31,672
I like your freaky spirit,
but it's your craw I'm after.
382
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:33,757
I didn't think you'd be so receptive.
383
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:37,427
Are you kidding, Lois?
I'm physically starved.
384
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,930
Your father's utterly lost interest.
385
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,516
He won't even look me
in the back of the head anymore.
386
00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:45,853
I see.
Well, I guess we're good to go then.
387
00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,980
Peter, are you sure this is what you want?
388
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,606
Yeah. I'll see you at home.
389
00:19:53,652 --> 00:19:54,653
(SIGHS)
390
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:56,446
PETER: Lois, wait!
391
00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:00,951
I can't do it! I can't go through with it!
392
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:03,537
You have to, Peter,
for the sake of our marriage!
393
00:20:03,620 --> 00:20:06,456
-Screw our marriage! I love you!
-Really?
394
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:09,209
Absolutely. And I don't care
that you slept with Clinton.
395
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,711
We'll get past it somehow.
396
00:20:10,794 --> 00:20:14,464
All I know is, I don't want
to do anything to hurt you.
397
00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:16,842
Oh, Peter!
398
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,804
Why are you naked in my house?
399
00:20:21,722 --> 00:20:23,932
Why aren't you?
400
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,893
You're all right, Griffin.
401
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:31,899
Well, Peter, our marriage
has suffered a serious trial,
402
00:20:31,982 --> 00:20:33,734
but I think we can get through it.
403
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:36,486
Me, too, Lois.
It's just going to take a little work.
404
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:39,239
In the meantime, I guess
I better clear the air with Clinton.
405
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:43,744
Hey, listen, Bill,
you and I need to have a talk.
406
00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:46,914
Boy, you are good. You are really good.
407
00:20:56,089 --> 00:21:00,052
Well, look at you using the toilet.
I am so proud of you.
408
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:03,013
Hey, well, you deserve all the praise
for encouraging me to do it.
409
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,307
Well, still, good for you.
410
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:07,768
So where are you really doing
your business?
411
00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,478
Oh, I found a place.
412
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,066
Well, I'll be damned.
And they called me crazy.
413
00:21:14,149 --> 00:21:16,902
You can't plant sausage seeds, they said.
414
00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,987
Well, look at this.
33732
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