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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,963
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,133
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,887
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,890
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,227
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,563
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,106
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,900
Laugh and cry...
9
00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:30,113
He's... A... Fam...
ily... Guy!
10
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:36,161
All right, kids,
assembly is starting.
11
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,830
Now please take your seats
for the following presentation
12
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:39,998
by the U.S. Army.
13
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,834
CHRIS (groaning):
Oh...
14
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,170
(loud techno music plays)
15
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:46,296
What's up, y'all?
16
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,756
I'm Sergeant Extreme!
17
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,174
And I'm Major Awesome!
18
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:52,803
We're here to tell you how
much the army kicks ass!
19
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,096
Check this out!
20
00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,892
(rock music plays)
21
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,500
The army sounds awesome!
22
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,627
And the recruiter
said with any luck,
23
00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:28,547
-I could the clap from a 12-year-old
-Chinese prostitute.
24
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,966
Wow, that's great--
you'll be serving your country,
25
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,343
just like American
film legend Mickey Rooney.
26
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,346
Hi. I'm former biggest star
in the world, Mickey Rooney.
27
00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:39,933
And as you may know, I am
totally and completely insane.
28
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:42,311
I like to yell at mice
with my shirt off.
29
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:45,439
(yelling)
30
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,941
Sometimes I like to steal
other people's scabs.
31
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,943
(yelling)
32
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,528
(continues yelling)
33
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,197
How do I stay so crazy?
34
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,740
Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills!
35
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,783
Take one with breakfast,
one with lunch,
36
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:59,119
and before you know it,
you'll be up on your roof;
37
00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,537
pooping in the chimney.
38
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,915
Hold out your stockings, kids!
39
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,918
Chris, you can't
join the army-- you're too young.
40
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,669
Besides, the
army is weak.
41
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:10,797
Now, the marines, those are the men
you want to (bleep).
42
00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:12,883
Are you kidding, Lois?
The army's great!
43
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,510
You get to save money
for college,
44
00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:18,430
there's free food, and all
the brown people you can rape.
45
00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:22,226
I am sorry, but he
is not joining the army-- case closed.
46
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,353
I can't believe they're
brainwashing kids like Chris
47
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,812
to serve in the military.
48
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,481
Ah, yes,
the bottom ten percent
49
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,358
of our high school class
is off to fight another battle.
50
00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,443
-You stole that from The Onion.
-What?
51
00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:33,362
You stole that-- I read
that in The Onion.
52
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:35,656
About the war in Iraq.
Well, if that's true, then I'd say
53
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:37,449
they've got some sharp cookies
over at the, uh...
54
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,034
Wh-What is it again?
The Onion?
55
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,911
So if I go up to
your room right now,
56
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,621
I'm not gonna find a
copy of The Onion, right?
57
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,039
No.
58
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,792
Ow! Damn it!
That's what I thought.
59
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:50,921
TV ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall,
60
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,673
if you loved
Everybody Loves Raymond,
61
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:55,175
then you'll love his brother,
Robert, even more,
62
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,593
in Robert.
63
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,971
I bet you Debra really
gave it to Ray today.
64
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:01,390
I bet you she made a sandwich
that wasn't very good,
65
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,433
but he ate it anyway.
66
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,395
And then she got mad at him
'cause he gave her a funny look.
67
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,896
I miss Ray.
68
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,816
(groaning):
Aw...
69
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,901
I can't believe Chris
would just buy into
70
00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,319
that army recruiter's
sales pitch.
71
00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:15,988
We can't let him enlist.
72
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:17,698
Don't worry, Lois,
all he needs is
73
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,867
an after-school activity
to get his mind off the army.
74
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,076
Just something
to distract him.
75
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,287
You know, like all
of America gets distracted
76
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,122
whenever a cute
white girl dies.
77
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,291
We regret to report
that not all the children
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00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,209
onboard the school bus
survived.
79
00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,378
We have identified
the body of one victim,
80
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:32,921
nine-year-old
Becky Gunderson.
81
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,131
ALL:
Aw...
82
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,383
No, wait, that's, uh,
Becky Gutierrez.
83
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,510
-ALL: Oh.
-That's not news.
84
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,557
B-Brian, wha...
what are you doing?
85
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:44,683
Gymboree is that way.
86
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,894
Brian, it's parachute day!
87
00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,729
I just want to swing by
the army recruiting center
88
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:50,272
and give a piece of
my mind to that jerk
89
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,857
who tried to
brainwash Chris.
90
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,066
We are gonna be so late.
91
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,068
I'm not gonna have a partner--
I'm gonna have
92
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,279
to be partners
with the teacher. It's just wrong
93
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,114
for the military to mess
with kids' minds.
94
00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:01,575
They're all gonna wind up
in therapy, like Peter was.
95
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,660
Every time my daughter opens
her mouth, I just want
96
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,454
to punch her in the face--
she's really annoying.
97
00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,039
Uh-huh. All right,
let's explore that.
98
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,415
What the hell's
wrong with you?
99
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,125
Your skin's, like, moving
around or something.
100
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,169
I believe I'm having
some sort of seizure.
101
00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:18,133
What kind of after-school
activity should I do, Dad?
102
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,302
-Well, Chris, there's a lot of fun
-activities out there.
103
00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:22,429
For example, I used to
be a horse whisperer.
104
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:25,599
(whispering inaudibly)
105
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:27,100
Pfft, maybe if she
spent some time
106
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,311
on the treadmill
and I was drunk.
107
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:30,562
(laughter)
108
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:31,980
I wouldn't, either.
109
00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:35,400
I don't think any of this stuff
is right for me, Dad.
110
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,819
Let's just face it--
I suck!
111
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:38,946
(rock music playing)
112
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:43,033
-PETER: Sounds like you guys
-could use some fresh blood.
113
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,077
This is my son, Chris--
you should hear his voice.
114
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,495
It's absolutely gorgeous.
115
00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:49,081
Like Laura Dern if she
didn't look like a banana.
116
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,249
He can sing?
117
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,376
Yeah, runs in the
family. See, look.
118
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,671
I am Peter Griffin,
I like fancy food
119
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,715
I like reading comic books
and dressing like a dude.
120
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,050
Yeah, rock and roll!
121
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,052
(screams)
122
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,512
(screaming continues)
123
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:04,805
Did you hear that?
124
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:07,140
Guys, I think we just found
our new lead singer.
125
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,810
Awesome! I'm gonna be
a famous music star,
126
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,395
like Muddy Waters!
127
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,771
Muddy? Baby?
128
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:14,147
Everything all right in there?
129
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,317
-MUDDY (groaning): Oh, I think I'm about
-to pass a kidney stone.
130
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:19,111
(playing blues riff)
131
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,904
(screams)
132
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,281
(playing blues riff)
133
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,283
(screams)
134
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,243
(playing blues riff)
135
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,328
(screams)
136
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,378
Boy, I can't wait
to lay into that recruiter.
137
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,005
Yes, you'll be
about as effective
138
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,007
as the Wizard of Oz was
at granting wishes.
139
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,884
And, Dorothy,
you wanted herpes,
140
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:44,928
but little did you know,
you've had herpes all along.
141
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,513
I didn't want herpes!
142
00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,973
Oh.
143
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,642
Well...
you've got it.
144
00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,811
Yes, uh, I'd like to see
the army recruiter.
145
00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:55,105
-Oh, you'll have to have a seat-- there's
-a 25-minute wait.
146
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,524
25 minutes?
Oh, God.
147
00:05:57,608 --> 00:06:00,861
All right, I better go put
more money in the meter.
148
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,323
Peggy, would you send in
the next...
149
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,574
Oh, you're already here.
150
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,868
Say, aren't you a little young
to join the army?
151
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:11,163
No, I have that, uh...
Webster disease.
152
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,373
Hey, is that the M9
double-action pistol?
153
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:15,542
Sure is.
Standard issue in the army.
154
00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:16,752
Where do I sign?
155
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,003
Right here.
Did I mention
156
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,880
there's a hundred-dollar bonus
if you sign up a buddy?
157
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:20,964
Really?
158
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,800
Well, I think I have
a surprise for somebody.
159
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,637
(sighs)
There you are.
160
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,556
Congratulations,
you are both in the army.
161
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:30,682
We're both
in... What?!
162
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:31,767
That's ridiculous.
163
00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,977
I'll tell you what's
ridiculous-- the Kaiser.
164
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,479
Somebody should put
him on a roll.
165
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,105
Over, we're comin' over
166
00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:39,775
And we won't come back
till it's over over there.
167
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,026
Commercial!
168
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,569
Damn! Play me some
filler, Johnny.
169
00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:46,240
(playing lively
vaudeville music)
170
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:51,954
Okay, they're dead, all right?
171
00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:54,373
We're not gonna be
seeing them again.
172
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:58,627
My God!
173
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:01,964
You are the sorriest bunch
of rejects I ever seen.
174
00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,966
And I've seen the Bangles
in concert.
175
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,634
You! Where are
you from, boy?
176
00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,010
Quahog.
177
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:10,097
They only got two things
in Quahog: steers and queers.
178
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,890
I don't see no horns
on you.
179
00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:13,725
What does that
make you, boy?
180
00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:14,852
Queer?
Right!
181
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,103
Oh, I got it?
Yeah.
182
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,814
-(chuckles) You find something funny,
-Private Dancer?
183
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,274
Dancer for money?!
184
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:21,984
Any old music will do?!
185
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,986
Well, actually, yeah,
your last little, uh,
186
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:26,572
-back-and-forth there with Stewie, that
-whole queer thing,
187
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,323
that was actually
pretty funny.
188
00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:29,408
Oh, God!
189
00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,701
Ooh, that's got to hurt worse
190
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:34,913
than getting a birthday telegram
from Zinedine Zidane.
191
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,290
Yes?
192
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,917
Bon anniversaire.
193
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,925
Yo, yo, what's up,
James Woods High?!
194
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:51,096
I'm Chris, and this is our band,
Splash Log!
195
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,891
And we are gonna rock
this place until...
196
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,893
un... well, until about 9:30,
197
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,061
'cause that's when
the dance is over!
198
00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,815
Evil monkey
199
00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,233
Holds the key
200
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:05,903
Evil Monkey's gonna get me
201
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,822
I'm hiding underneath my seat
for fear he'll point
202
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,200
(screeching):
And show his teeth!
203
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:14,453
Evil, evil monkey
204
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:17,581
Evil, evil monkey
205
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,541
Evil, evil monkey
206
00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:21,043
(screeching yell)
207
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,337
Aah!
208
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:26,131
Mayor West?
209
00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:29,134
Quiet, young man-- can't you see
we're having a poker game?
210
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:30,969
Now, I'll ask again.
211
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:34,097
If I order a pizza, will
anyone else have some?
212
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,225
I might have a slice.
Well, you know,
213
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:39,019
I'm gonna need more of a
commitment than that, Mark.
214
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,106
-(shouting cadence):West Side Story,
-Anything Goes
215
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,942
-RECRUITS:West Side Story,
-Anything Goes
216
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,069
Two of my favorite
Broadway shows
217
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,196
Two of my favorite
Broadway shows
218
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,323
Miss Saigon
and Cabaret
219
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,492
Miss Saigon and Cabaret
220
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,619
Overrated,
I should say
221
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,663
Overrated, I should say
222
00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:59,957
One, two,
three, four
223
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,085
(lively mambo music plays)
224
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,339
ALL:
Mambo!
225
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:15,097
(panting, groaning)
226
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,224
Griffin! You got
four legs there!
227
00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:19,184
You better start
using them! I'm trying, sir.
228
00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:22,229
You got five seconds to get
to the head of the pack,
229
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,106
or this entire
platoon is gonna scrub
230
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,108
the latrines with
their toothbrushes.
231
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,151
-Aw, come on, Brian! Don't screw us,
-Griffin!
232
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,237
Yeah, come on,
don't screw us, Brian Griffin!
233
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,115
Bill, how about thinking up
your jeers for a change, huh?
234
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:36,076
(panting)
235
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,911
(weak grunting)
236
00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:40,622
Four! Three! Two!
237
00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:42,249
Oh, come on, Brian, get up!
238
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:44,251
Time's up!
You're pathetic, Griffin!
239
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,003
Pathetic!
240
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:53,343
Whose half-eaten dead bird
is in this footlocker?
241
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,345
Let's say hypothetically
that it does belong
242
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:56,763
to someone in here.
243
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,849
Would admission of that
allow that person to keep it?
244
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,517
Private Griffin,
just for that,
245
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,770
-you have to listen to one track from this
-Chris Gaines album.
246
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,564
Don't you think
that's a little extreme?
247
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:08,650
Two tracks! It's so stupid, it's just
Garth Brooks in a wig.
248
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,027
Three tracks!
Come on!
249
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,237
-We can go all day with this!
-Yeah, but...
250
00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:13,739
That's it! Every
single track,
251
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,657
plus the hidden
bonus track!
252
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,159
There's a hidden
bonus track?
253
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,286
Oh, I hope
it's a ballad.
254
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,709
Huh. Should I follow the
knight into the dungeon
255
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,753
or should I go back
the way I came?
256
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,171
Eh, I'll follow
the knight.
257
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,964
Page 37, page 37.
258
00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:33,008
Aah! Aah! I mean, go
back the way I came.
259
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,551
I didn't take my
hand off the page.
260
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:35,802
You seen it, Lois, right?
261
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,179
You seen my hand
on the page.
262
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,847
Yeah, Peter, I seen it.
263
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:41,266
(band music playing)
Oh, no, not again.
264
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,852
You know, I'm glad Chris
found an activity he likes,
265
00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:45,854
but why do they have
to use our garage?
266
00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:48,607
Come on, Lois, sometimes
kids can be a handful.
267
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,317
Look at Gregory Peck's kids.
268
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,152
Are we there yet?
269
00:10:52,236 --> 00:10:53,529
It's crowded
back here.
270
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:54,613
Stop touching me.
271
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:57,282
Your leg is rubbing
up against mine.
272
00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,451
Hey! Quiet down
or I'm pulling over.
273
00:10:59,535 --> 00:11:01,203
Stop breathing
on the window.
274
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,205
You idiot,
that's condensation.
275
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:04,540
It's on the outside.
276
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:06,458
That's it! I will
come back there
277
00:11:06,542 --> 00:11:07,626
and, so help me God,
278
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,628
I will hit you
with my ring hand.
279
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,509
(thudding)
280
00:11:17,636 --> 00:11:19,096
What the hell are you doing?
281
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,180
What does it look
like I'm doing?
282
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,515
I'm leaving.
You can't leave, man.
283
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:22,724
That's desertion.
284
00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:23,851
They'll come after you
285
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:26,228
like Peter went after
that hockey coach.
286
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,146
Oh, no clip?
Oh, thought we had a clip.
287
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,273
Nope. Okay.
288
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,108
Uh, you can't
leave, Brian.
289
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,192
You'll get life in prison.
290
00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:33,527
I'll take my chances.
291
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,362
Let me ask you this:
when was the last time
292
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,072
you saw something
through to the end?
293
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,699
Well, I, uh...
Never, that's when!
294
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:39,950
You need this, Brian.
295
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,118
You dropped out of college.
296
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,452
You still haven't
finished your novel.
297
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:44,288
Do you know what you lack?
Discipline!
298
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,706
And so you know
where you'll get it?
299
00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:46,957
Right here in the army!
300
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,792
Boy, you know what,
you're right.
301
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,085
Everything I've ever done
302
00:11:50,169 --> 00:11:51,753
I've crapped out on
halfway through.
303
00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,338
Well, not this time.
304
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:54,923
I am going to finish
what I started.
305
00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:56,091
That's the spirit!
306
00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:58,010
You can do anything
you put your mind to.
307
00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,012
-SOLDIER: You know, it's really
-hard to masturbate
308
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,346
with you guys talking.
309
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,890
SOLDIER #2:
Not for me!
310
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:06,226
Evil, evil monkey! Ow!
311
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,812
Chris, will you knock
that off for two minutes?
312
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,063
We want to talk to you.
313
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:11,231
Take five, guys.
314
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:13,025
What do you
buttheads want?
315
00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:15,068
You've been playing with
your friends long enough.
316
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:17,446
Now it's time for you to come
inside and do your homework.
317
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:19,740
It's time for you
to piss off, redhead.
318
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:20,991
What?!
Hey, hey, Chris,
319
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,534
don't talk to your
mother that way.
320
00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:25,537
Oh, way to stand up for
your woman there, fatty.
321
00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:27,998
Chris, what the hell
is going on with you lately?
322
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,833
Ever since you hooked up
with this band,
323
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,627
you're like a completely
different person,
324
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,920
and I don't like it one bit.
325
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,297
I am expressing myself!
326
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,049
Now, get out of my way!
327
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:38,759
I'm going to the park
to loiter.
328
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,972
What the hell
is his problem?
329
00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,057
I don't know.
330
00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,225
He's acting worse
than you did
331
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:48,435
when you tried to cover
your farts by coughing.
332
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,521
Okay, welcome
to the PTA meeting.
333
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,147
On the subject
of school lunches,
334
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:53,482
I know there's been some concern
about nutrition...
335
00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:54,858
(coughs, farts)
336
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,360
We've had complaints
about the soda machines...
337
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,611
(farts, coughs)
338
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,571
And I have spoken with
the school board...
339
00:12:59,655 --> 00:13:01,073
(loud cough, farting)
340
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,116
Is there something you'd like
to say, Mr. Griffin?
341
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,409
Uh...
342
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:07,120
(farting):
no...
343
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:08,997
(quick fart):
No.
344
00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,666
No, I'm good.
(coughs, farts)
345
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,127
All right, men.
346
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,838
This obstacle course
represents
347
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,256
the final test
of your training.
348
00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:18,799
Almost all of you
have completed it
349
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:19,925
in the allotted time.
350
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,094
But as you know,
as a unit,
351
00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:25,097
you either all graduate,
or none of you graduate.
352
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:26,974
Griffin, it's up to you.
353
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:28,141
All right, you can
do this, Brian.
354
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,476
Come on, pray with me.
355
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:33,272
Dear Lord...
just stay out of our way.
356
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,606
Okay, good luck.
357
00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:36,358
And... go!
358
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:39,403
(military band music plays)
359
00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:57,254
There's Waldo.
360
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:02,050
Fresh pepper?
Yes, thank you.
361
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:04,553
Oh, that's plenty,
thanks.
362
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:06,096
None for me, thanks.
363
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:08,140
My boyfriend
just dumped me.
364
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,474
There's a lot of
fish in the sea.
365
00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,893
It's always darkest
before the dawn.
366
00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:12,394
If it's not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.
367
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:13,478
(cheerful):
Thanks!
368
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:16,940
You did it, Brian!
You did it!
369
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:19,234
Oh, I say, this is an even
bigger accomplishment
370
00:14:19,318 --> 00:14:22,154
than getting Minnie Driver's
head to fit onscreen.
371
00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,530
DIRECTOR:
Okay, back up.
372
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:25,073
Further.
373
00:14:25,157 --> 00:14:26,158
Move back some more.
374
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:28,118
CAMERA MAN:What?!
Back up some more.
375
00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:30,120
I'm as far away
as I can get.
376
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:31,496
Okay, have her enter.
377
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:33,165
Action!
378
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,499
Damn it. Cut!
379
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:38,962
Congratulations, men.
380
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,839
You've all passed
basic training.
381
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:42,758
I'm proud to call you soldiers.
382
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:45,010
I'm sure you'll do your country
proud tomorrow morning,
383
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:47,387
when you're all shipped off
to Iraq.
384
00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,889
What?
Oh, don't worry.
385
00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,557
I'm sure he means
Fraggle Iraq.
386
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,732
Well, this isn't so bad.
387
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,025
Yes, the people
are friendly.
388
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,652
I say, the media
has totally
389
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,529
blown this whole thing
out of proportion.
390
00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:06,156
Okay, I go in store,
I throw backpack.
391
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,241
Big boom.
392
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,909
No, no, no, you
are big boom.
393
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,035
Big hero.
394
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,119
Okay, right,
395
00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:12,788
so I throw backpack,
come back
396
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:14,915
and have big hero party
with many virgins.
397
00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:17,292
No, no, no, no,
no. You: boom.
398
00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:20,170
Oh, okay, okay.
I put on backpack, boom.
399
00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:22,714
Then I come back,
big hero, virgins.
400
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:23,882
Okay, yeah.
401
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:25,467
See you in a few
minutes, big hero.
402
00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:27,594
(over walkie-talkie): Unit 17,
this is base. Please report.
403
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:29,513
Ten-four, everything's
Charlie 40-60.
404
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,181
What does that mean?
I don't know.
405
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:32,933
I just thought you're supposed
to say names and numbers.
406
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,017
Nobody's corrected
me so far.
407
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,143
(explosion)
Aah!
408
00:15:35,227 --> 00:15:36,854
What the hell was that?!
409
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:39,314
Uh, help! Help!
410
00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:42,025
Uh, uh, I mean, ah, ah,
Charlie, Tango, Cash, uh,
411
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,653
47, Victor, Charlie,
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!
412
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,613
Roger that.
We're moving to your position.
413
00:15:46,697 --> 00:15:47,739
(screams)
414
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,244
Chris, your father and I
are very upset
415
00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:53,620
by this new attitude
of yours.
416
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:55,998
I don't care
what you think of me!
417
00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,207
Oh, God, I envy that.
418
00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:58,500
I am so self-conscious
419
00:15:58,584 --> 00:15:59,960
about what people
think of me.
420
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:01,545
I am out of here!
421
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,213
You know, I think
I may have an idea
422
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:05,340
what's causing
this behavior, Peter.
423
00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:07,176
Look at all this stuff.
424
00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:09,845
Listen to these lyrics.
425
00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:13,599
"I rip it hardcore
like porno-flick bitches,
426
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:17,019
I roll with groups of ghetto
bastards with biscuits."
427
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,188
Oh, look, they've got a
translation for white people:
428
00:16:19,271 --> 00:16:22,900
"I give 110 percent when it
comes to helping my community
429
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,194
"even though I
occasionally associate
430
00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:27,279
with some less than
reputable characters."
431
00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:29,531
Peter, these lyrics
are filthy.
432
00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:32,910
All this violent music
is what's screwing Chris up.
433
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,036
What the hell?
434
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:36,038
Marilyn Manson!
435
00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:37,956
Is that who's causing all this?
436
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,000
Yeah, it's all him
or her's fault.
437
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:42,002
Who does he or she
think he or she is?
438
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,046
Look, you can totally
see his or her nipples.
439
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:45,464
That's obscene, maybe.
440
00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:47,257
There's only one thing to do.
441
00:16:47,341 --> 00:16:49,927
You're right, we got to
find this Marilyn Manson
442
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,803
and I got to give
that bastard or bitch
443
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:53,555
a piece of my
mind or penis.
444
00:16:55,766 --> 00:16:57,184
All right, it
shouldn't be too hard
445
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:58,769
-to get ourselves kicked out.
-Right.
446
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:01,271
-We're just got to convince them we're
-not army material.
447
00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:02,814
-Ready? All right,
-let's do it.
448
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,984
Wow, look at
how gay we are.
449
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,570
I am so gay,
with my gayness.
450
00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:11,406
Me, too.
I'm... I'm a homo.
451
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:12,991
Any room
for one more?
452
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:14,618
Hell yeah!
453
00:17:16,495 --> 00:17:17,913
All right, last resort.
454
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:19,957
We get injured and go home
with purple hearts.
455
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,166
Shoot me in the foot.
What?
456
00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:22,251
Shoot yourself
in the foot.
457
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,044
No, no, no, they can
tell by the angle.
458
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,337
Here, you shoot me
and I'll shoot you.
459
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,547
I don't think
this is gonna work.
460
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:27,631
Of course it'll work.
461
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,217
Ready?
One, two, three...
462
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,635
Aah! Damn it!
463
00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:33,136
Oh, my God! That hurts!
464
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,513
I think you missed me.
465
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:35,597
All right,
I'll try again.
466
00:17:35,681 --> 00:17:37,140
Uh, no, no,
no, hang, hang on.
467
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,142
-That looks like it's painful.
-Of course it's painful!
468
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,103
There's a bullet in my foot!
Now get over here!
469
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,521
No, no, no, no, no!
I changed my mind!
470
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:44,273
I don't want to do it!
Come on, we had a deal!
471
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:45,649
No, no, no, no,
don't point that at me!
472
00:17:45,816 --> 00:17:47,109
No, no, no, oh, come on,
473
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,777
this is flat out
just not safe!
474
00:17:48,861 --> 00:17:50,904
Ooh. Ow. Ow.
Oh, you got me.
475
00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:52,197
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Let me see.
476
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:53,907
No, no, it's gross.
Let me see it.
477
00:17:53,991 --> 00:17:55,200
No, no, I don't want
to gross you out.
478
00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:57,870
Oh, ow, oh, we are in
so much pain right now,
479
00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,413
the two of us.
Oh, ow...
480
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:01,123
(screams):
Okay, that was real!
481
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:03,625
Hey, hi, um,
482
00:18:03,709 --> 00:18:06,044
I'm Private Stewie,
and this is Private Brian.
483
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:09,256
Uh, we both got shot in
the foot, so, uh, we figured
484
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:11,633
an honorable discharge
would be in order and, uh,
485
00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:13,302
you could just send us
back to the States.
486
00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:15,470
Getting shot doesn't get you
out of here anymore.
487
00:18:15,596 --> 00:18:18,015
-What? Yeah, we take
-whatever we can get.
488
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:21,185
I mean, we got two dead guys
guarding the ammunition.
489
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:22,436
Sorry, guys,
490
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,146
you are here until
the job is done.
491
00:18:24,229 --> 00:18:25,606
Great news, everybody.
492
00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:27,691
Democracy just kicked in!
493
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:45,375
(squealing laughter)
494
00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:49,713
So... so it's over?
495
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,006
That seems unlikely.
496
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:52,132
Amazing.
497
00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:53,800
There was only one man
in the world
498
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:56,053
with the vision to predict
something like this.
499
00:18:58,555 --> 00:18:59,681
Damn.
500
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:02,976
Laura! Laura!
501
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,228
Laura!
502
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:12,694
And the Grammy for Biggest Posse
goes to...
503
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:13,987
Ja Rule.
504
00:19:14,071 --> 00:19:15,072
What?!
505
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,156
No, Madonna.
506
00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,991
"Posse." "Posse."
507
00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:19,076
Oh.
508
00:19:22,371 --> 00:19:24,581
All right, Marilyn Manson
has to be here somewhere.
509
00:19:24,665 --> 00:19:26,792
Good thing we distracted
the guard with that riddle.
510
00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:29,753
What gets wetter as it dries...?
511
00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:31,129
A towel.
512
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:32,464
Hey, I've been had!
513
00:19:33,549 --> 00:19:35,300
Hey, look,
right over there.
514
00:19:35,676 --> 00:19:37,469
Hey, Manson!
515
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:38,679
What in the world
was that for?
516
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,055
Oh, it's a guy.
517
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,723
That's for
ruining our son.
518
00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:44,726
He used to be a sweet boy
until he heard your music.
519
00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:46,520
(chuckles)
This old story.
520
00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:47,980
If I had a nickel...
521
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,439
All right,
where's your son?
522
00:19:49,565 --> 00:19:52,150
I'm hiding underneath my seats
for fear
523
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,902
He'll point
and show his tail
524
00:19:53,986 --> 00:19:56,446
Chris? We brought someone
you might like to meet.
525
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:59,950
(gasps):
Oh, my God, Marilyn Manson!
526
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,076
Hey there, Chris.
527
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:02,703
You working hard
or hardly working?
528
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:04,621
(laughing heartily)
529
00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:06,039
So I see you're
in a band.
530
00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:07,833
-Yep. Listen, your
-parents tell me
531
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,293
you've been acting out
a little bit.
532
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,961
And I just wanted
to tell you,
533
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,713
rock n' roll music
is cool,
534
00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:14,173
but respect
for your elders
535
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:15,966
is a tune we can
all dance to.
536
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:17,968
Really?
Sure.
537
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:19,761
And the best way to start
a fun-filled day
538
00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:22,306
of being a good citizen
is with a healthy breakfast
539
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,891
rich in breads and grains.
540
00:20:23,974 --> 00:20:25,642
And fruits are important, too.
541
00:20:25,726 --> 00:20:28,729
You mean like apples,
oranges and bananas?
542
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:30,814
Any of 'em, Chris.
You can't miss.
543
00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:33,358
And now, I think your parents
have something to say.
544
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:35,027
Chris, you don't
really believe
545
00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:36,987
all the things in those
song lyrics, do you?
546
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,155
No.
547
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,324
Then why you been acting
like such a punk?
548
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:42,242
I guess I don't
really know.
549
00:20:42,326 --> 00:20:43,869
I think I have
an idea.
550
00:20:43,952 --> 00:20:45,162
Peter, when was the last time
551
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,206
you and Chris here
did something together?
552
00:20:47,331 --> 00:20:48,999
Boy, I guess
it's been a while.
553
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,459
Here's something
you might not know--
554
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:52,544
children crave structure.
555
00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:55,005
They enjoy the fun
of planned activities
556
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,757
in which they and
their parent or guardian
557
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,383
can share a common goal.
558
00:20:58,467 --> 00:20:59,927
Maybe you could
take Chris fishing.
559
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:01,094
What do you say, Chris?
560
00:21:01,178 --> 00:21:03,096
You want to go fishing
with your old man?
561
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,681
Do I?
562
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:06,058
Can't go without these.
563
00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:08,894
(laughing)
40586
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