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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,754
(BEEPING)
2
00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:13,430
KIEFER SUTHERLAND:
Previously on Family Guy.
3
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,432
Maybe this summer
he should take swim lessons.
4
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,059
Would you like that, Stewie?
5
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,648
(SCREAMING)
6
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,025
(GASPS)
7
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,987
I'm alive. I'm alive!
8
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,239
Who the hell was that?
9
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:32,157
Well, given
the wonderful shoe shopping,
10
00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:33,909
I would cast my
vote for "Heaven."
11
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,288
Oh, Daddy,
I knew I'd find you.
12
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:41,083
I'm not your father.
I'm you.
13
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:51,093
It seems today
that all you see
14
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:54,388
Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
15
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:58,100
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
16
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:01,019
On which we used to rely?
17
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:04,398
Lucky there's a family guy
18
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:07,818
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
19
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,403
All the things
that make us
20
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,113
Laugh and cry
21
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:16,076
He's a family guy
22
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,875
You're me from the future?
That's absurd.
23
00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,418
I'm afraid it's true, Stewie.
24
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,211
I'm the man you
dreamed you'd be
25
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,838
when you were alone in your bedroom
planning world domination
26
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,132
and singing Donna Summer
into your hairbrush.
27
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:32,759
Tell him to just get out
28
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:35,345
Nothing left to talk about
29
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,223
Pack his raincoat,
show him out
30
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:41,977
Just look him in
the eyes and simply shout
31
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,062
Enough is enough is enough
Enough is enough is enough
32
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,480
I can't go on
I can't go on
33
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,150
I can't go on no more, no
I can't go on no more, no
34
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,110
Enough is enough is enough
Enough is enough is enough
35
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,612
I want him out
I want him out
36
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:55,157
BOTH:
I want him out that door now
37
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,575
It is you... Me!
38
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,785
Oh, God,
I have so many questions about the future.
39
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,162
Is all food in pill form?
40
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,663
Do they have flying cars?
41
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,249
Did they ever find
a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne?
42
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,626
I can't answer
those questions.
43
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,336
I'm not even supposed
to be talking to you.
44
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,505
It's a violation
of the terms of my vacation.
45
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:10,589
Vacation?
46
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,090
Yes, you see,
in the future,
47
00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:15,135
people take vacations not to destinations,
but to periods of time.
48
00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:18,138
In fact, just last summer
I went back to visit Jesus Christ.
49
00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:20,516
Turns out his abilities
might have been exaggerated a bit.
50
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:24,686
(SINGING EXCITING MELODY)
51
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,455
Look, I've already
said enough.
52
00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:44,748
I really should
be getting back.
53
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,667
You can't just leave me.
I must know my future.
54
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,293
Sorry,
it's against the rules.
55
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:49,878
Goodbye, Stewie.
56
00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:52,172
Surprise!
57
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,717
Oh, this is just great.
58
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:58,095
I can't believe it.
This is the future.
59
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,389
Wait a minute.
Everything looks the same.
60
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,140
Well, of course,
it's only been 30 years.
61
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:03,725
But, I say, where are
the monuments to me?
62
00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,143
Where are my
legions of followers?
63
00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:07,229
I thought
I'd be absolute ruler of the world by now.
64
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,314
Far away from that
house full of idiots.
65
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,160
(SIGHS)
66
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:25,372
Sorry, Stewie, I abandoned
my quest for world domination long ago.
67
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,416
Well, am I at least
a city councilman or something?
68
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:28,500
Sorry.
69
00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:29,918
Oh, this is nothing
like I imagined.
70
00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:31,295
I thought the future
would be different,
71
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,255
with jet packs,
eco-domes, and TV
72
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,424
they can beam
right into your head.
73
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,301
Uh, give me Mork & Mindy.
74
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,385
(ELECTRONIC HUMMING)
75
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:43,265
(LAUGHING)
That's not how you sit in a chair.
76
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,309
Now I'm late
to Sunday dinner with the family,
77
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,686
so you'll have to wait in the car
until I can send you back.
78
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:50,147
Wait in the car?
I shall do no such thing.
79
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,482
Oh, hey,
did they ever unfreeze Walt Disney?
80
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:53,817
Unfortunately.
81
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,194
Welcome back,
Mr. Disney.
82
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,528
Are the Jews gone yet?
83
00:03:56,612 --> 00:03:57,821
Uh, no.
84
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,114
Put me back in.
85
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,576
(DOORBELL RINGING)
86
00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:05,621
Oh, Stu, my big boy!
87
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,247
Hello, mother.
88
00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:09,458
She's still alive?
89
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:10,918
What the hell, man?
90
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,586
I hope you don't mind,
but I brought a guest.
91
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:16,632
This is, uh, Pablo, a child from Nicaragua
that I've been sponsoring.
92
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,634
My, how wonderful.
93
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:20,594
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
94
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,971
Yes. Is that where you got
that leather handbag?
95
00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,765
Oh, I'm sorry,
that's your face!
96
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,433
(LAUGHING)
Oh, got you!
97
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:29,353
30 years later,
I still freakin' got you!
98
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:30,771
Oh, God.
99
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:34,483
Oh, I feel as
invincible as Superman.
100
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:37,778
Hey, there, Wonder Woman.
Flying your invisible plane, I see.
101
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:38,987
Uh...
102
00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:41,448
Boy, this is awkward. I'm...
103
00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:44,785
I'm actually in the lavatory
of the invisible plane.
104
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,245
Oh, you mean
right now you're...
105
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,121
Yeah.
106
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:49,748
(FLUSHING)
107
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,255
So I couldn't help
but notice you didn't wash your hands
108
00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:58,340
in the invisible sink.
109
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,342
Hi, everybody.
Sorry we're late.
110
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,635
Stop (BLEEP)
apologizing.
111
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,053
You sound like
a (BLEEP) woman.
112
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,347
Oh, I suppose
one of you has to.
113
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:08,016
Oh, what a nice blouse,
Vanessa.
114
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,518
Chris' wife.
Oh, thanks.
115
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:11,937
I'm not sure my tiny brain
could've put that one together.
116
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,357
Hi, Vanessa.
Well, don't you look nice?
117
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,026
Oh, no, I broke my hip!
118
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,111
You need some help, Dad?
119
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,404
No, I'm good.
120
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,823
Oh, are these the pictures
from your trip to Sonoma?
121
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,616
Oh, my God.
122
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,869
Oh, look how beautiful
the countryside is.
123
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:30,497
Oh, I would love to
get a house out there if I had the money.
124
00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:31,957
Knock, knock.
125
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,417
Oh, hi, Ron.
126
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,252
Who's that fellow?
He looks so familiar.
127
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,671
It's Meg.
She had a sex change right after college.
128
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:40,048
Wow! She went to college?
129
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:41,383
I can't stay too late.
130
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,135
I gotta go shop
for a razor.
131
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,762
You know, for my face,
where I grow my beard.
132
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,764
Okay, we get it, Ron.
You're a guy.
133
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:52,686
Well, there he is.
134
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,232
Oh, this is fantastic!
135
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,942
That's not really
appropriate, Stewie.
136
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,862
Oh, of course it is. I loathed
that know-it-all, flea-bitten mutt.
137
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,114
No, no, it's just
that the meaning of that word has changed
138
00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:05,657
ever since
President Douchebag.
139
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,117
(CROWD CHEERING)
140
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,912
Thank you. I just received a call
from my worthy opponent,
141
00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:11,288
Senator Daterape.
142
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,539
(CROWD BOOING)
143
00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,875
No, no,
he ran a good campaign,
144
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:17,336
but the people of
America have spoken,
145
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:21,173
and they're saying
they want four more years of Douchebag.
146
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:24,760
ALL: Douchebag!
Douchebag! Douchebag!
147
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,849
That is some (BLEEP)
good dinner, Mrs. Griffin.
148
00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:33,519
Thank you. Excuse me.
149
00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:35,771
I'm gonna go help
Peter with the dishes.
150
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,481
Ron, Stu, I need your help.
151
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,358
I need you two to tell
those parents of yours
152
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:40,817
they're moving into
a retirement home,
153
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:44,029
'cause Mr. Empty Sack
over here won't do it.
154
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,864
Stu, you don't want
Mom and Dad
155
00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,658
to go to
a retirement home, do you?
156
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,826
Well, it's...
157
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,328
Uh...
158
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,579
(IMITATING LOIS)
Stu, could you help me with the dishes?
159
00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:53,914
Oh, be right there, Mother.
160
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,415
Well, actually,
Vanessa, I'd...
161
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:56,875
(IMITATING LOIS)
Oh, Stu, I need your help.
162
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,710
There are dishes
everywhere.
163
00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,504
Oh, sorry, must go.
164
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,880
Well, I can't do it to them.
165
00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:03,423
They're my parents.
166
00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,717
Don't you ever want
to inherit this house, you fat (BLEEP)?
167
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,427
Or am I the only one
who has any desire to move out
168
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,137
from under
the (BLEEP) power lines?
169
00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,306
What's that?
Oh, it's cancer!
170
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:14,560
Can we please not do this
in front of Pablo?
171
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,019
That kid's from Guam.
172
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,938
Probably only speaks
Spanish or some (BLEEP).
173
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,606
Let me tell you something,
Nessa.
174
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,441
A bullet sounds the same
in every language.
175
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,861
So stick a (BLEEP) sock in it,
you cow!
176
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,365
Well, welcome to Chez Stu.
177
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,285
Dear God,
this is where I live?
178
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,953
All alone in a filthy hovel?
179
00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,788
Well, I wouldn't
exactly say alone.
180
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:37,124
Let me introduce my roommate.
181
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,542
He's sometimes
late on the rent
182
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,253
and never shy about
sharing the gas bill,
183
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,713
if you know what I mean.
184
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,798
Did you just
make a fart joke?
185
00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:46,466
Hey, Stu,
got big plans for tonight?
186
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:47,843
Sure do, Rupert.
187
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,179
I'm finally going to organize
my photo albums.
188
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,763
Yeah, right.
189
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,348
I say,
what happened to his leg?
190
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:54,892
Oh, wait, now I remember.
191
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,810
You are really
going to sit there with a straight face
192
00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:58,520
and tell me a flat tax
doesn't favor the wealthy?
193
00:07:58,604 --> 00:07:59,688
Not one bit.
194
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,148
And it saves
millions of man-hours
195
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,358
that the complexity
of the current tax code wastes,
196
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,819
which you would realize
if you weren't retarded.
197
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,112
Hey, give him back!
198
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:08,363
Stop that!
What are you doing?
199
00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:09,489
Give me back his leg!
200
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:10,741
Oh, you'll get it back.
201
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:17,581
And this is my bulletin board
where I put all my favorite comic strips.
202
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,541
See? See, look,
here's the Lockhorns.
203
00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:23,253
See, Mrs. Lockhorn is saying,
"We're never going to another yard sale,"
204
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:26,757
because Mr. Lockhorn
has clearly purchased a tuba.
205
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,842
(CHUCKLES) And from
the look on her face,
206
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:31,178
I'd say he's not
playing it very well at all.
207
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,638
(LAUGHING)
208
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:33,972
You get it?
209
00:08:34,056 --> 00:08:36,475
You got these
from Parade magazine?
210
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:38,894
You read Parade magazine?
211
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,354
(GROANS)
212
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:44,983
Hey, Stu. It's Monday,
which can only mean one thing,
213
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:48,028
Go-Gurt day!
Go-Gurt day!
214
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:50,155
Oh, Fran, this is Pablo,
from Nicaragua.
215
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:53,492
Pablo, this is Fran.
She is hilarious.
216
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,077
Hi, Pablo.
217
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:57,871
Just kidding.
218
00:08:57,955 --> 00:08:59,456
I told you.
She's so twisted.
219
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:01,458
Well, I'd better get
back to my department
220
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:04,503
before Genghis,
the day manager, makes his rounds.
221
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:05,963
"Genghis, the day manager"?
222
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,131
Is that from something
or did you just make that up?
223
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,508
I just made it up.
224
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,552
(LAUGHING)
225
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,011
All day long.
226
00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:14,221
Well, I guess
it's not all bad.
227
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:15,389
What do you mean?
228
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:17,015
Don't be coy,
you dirty horndog.
229
00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,517
You're nailing Fran.
230
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,185
Tell me,
how many times have we gotten
231
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,812
into those Lane Bryant
stretch pants?
232
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:22,980
What? Never!
233
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,106
Damn right never...
234
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,691
What do you mean,
"Never"?
235
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,860
(SIGHS) Stewie, I've never
slept with any woman.
236
00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:29,778
I've never had sex.
237
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:32,990
All right, that's it!
238
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,992
I could handle the crappy apartment
and the pedestrian job,
239
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,493
but now you're telling me
240
00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:39,204
I'm a 35-year-old,
Parade- magazine-reading virgin.
241
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:41,039
Well, you, sir, are pathetic!
242
00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,166
So forget about
sending me back, because I'm not leaving
243
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,127
until we do
a complete overhaul
244
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,004
on this sad thing
you call our life!
245
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,338
Can I still read Parade?
246
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:49,715
No, you cannot
still read Parade!
247
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,182
So, what do you think, mmm?
248
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,058
My word,
I've got to hand it to you, Stewie,
249
00:10:00,142 --> 00:10:01,560
it really is an improvement.
250
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,395
And you haven't even
seen the best part.
251
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:06,773
Stress-release candles
for those extra-tough days at the office.
252
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,483
Oh, you don't
know the half of it.
253
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,152
On Tuesdays I work Returns.
254
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,029
Yeah, I bought this
boom box here,
255
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,864
and it's got this
high-pitched whine.
256
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,073
Well, let's have a look.
257
00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,491
(BABY CRYING)
258
00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:18,994
(LAUGHING)
It's yours now, sucker!
259
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,079
All right, now that
you've got a swinging pad,
260
00:10:21,163 --> 00:10:24,750
it's time to
bring Fran back here and, you know.
261
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:26,627
What?
262
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:27,961
Well, I have no idea.
I thought you knew.
263
00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:29,254
No, I have no idea.
264
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,006
Well, come on, man.
You're the adult here.
265
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,091
I was counting on you to
know the mechanics because...
266
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:34,384
Well, let's face it,
as a baby,
267
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,720
all I've got to go on
is beer commercial innuendo
268
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,931
and that myth
about where babies come from.
269
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:43,018
Oh, my God, the stork!
270
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,775
Where's my baby?
271
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,653
(IN DEEP VOICE) Sweetie, you and me
are gonna make the baby.
272
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,821
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
273
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,826
Kids,
what are you doing here?
274
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:03,789
Mom, Dad, Vanessa wants us
to put you guys in a retirement home,
275
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,332
but I think
it's ridiculous.
276
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,167
A retirement home?
277
00:11:07,251 --> 00:11:09,962
Now, Vanessa says
it's not that bad, Mom.
278
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,840
She says they have people there
who will wipe your bottom.
279
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:15,300
You gotta be yanking me!
That is sweet!
280
00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,302
Yeah, that doesn't
sound ridiculous at all, Meg.
281
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:19,638
My name is Ron.
282
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,974
Oh, I wish Brian were here.
283
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:24,309
He'd never let you
put us in a home.
284
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,937
Oh, but at least he's
in a better place now.
285
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,230
Wow, look at me.
286
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:30,148
Hanging out,
drinking with Ernest Hemingway,
287
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:32,317
Van Gogh,
and Kurt Cobain.
288
00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:33,694
Still, it feels
like we all got here
289
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,028
a little earlier
than we should have.
290
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:37,030
Yeah, well,
I finally collapsed
291
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,991
under the weight
of my own genius
292
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:40,242
and shot myself.
293
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,952
I could not reconcile
my passion
294
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,579
with the way people
around me were living,
295
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:44,746
so I shot myself.
296
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,540
I hated
the thought of my music
297
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:48,709
becoming part
of some bland, corporate mechanism,
298
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,043
so I shot myself.
299
00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:53,964
Yeah, I got into the garbage
and ate some chocolate.
300
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:01,471
- My word! Yes, evidently the razor
- wasn't invented
301
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,724
till sometime
in the late '80s.
302
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,017
Okay, then, let's begin.
303
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,894
And here we go.
And watch my hand.
304
00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:09,396
And one, two, three,
and in and out, and in and out.
305
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:13,108
I am the monarch of the sea
The ruler of the Queen's Navy
306
00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:15,068
Whose praise Great
Britain loudly chants
307
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:16,820
And we are his sisters
and his cousins and his aunts
308
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,739
Good, good.
You've got the rhythm.
309
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:21,033
Now, let's try it with the Swiss cheese
and take it from the top.
310
00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:33,545
I really enjoyed the movie tonight
and I'm not tired at all.
311
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:35,130
Oh, yeah, good, good.
312
00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:36,757
I enjoyed the movie, too.
313
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:42,137
Oh, hey, I hear they're
extending our store hours until 9:30.
314
00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:45,224
Oh, that's...
That's great.
315
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,060
Let's have sex!
What?
316
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:49,645
Definitely,
I'll be right back.
317
00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,313
What the hell is
wrong with you? I can't do this!
318
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:52,481
I can't go through
with this.
319
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,565
Why? Why the hell not?
320
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:54,691
I'm too nervous.
321
00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:56,693
FRAN: I'm getting
my diaphragm!
322
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,779
See, I don't even
know what that is.
323
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,572
-Get in there! Get in there right now.
- I can't.
324
00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:02,199
Get in!
No, no, no.
325
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,825
Listen to me.
You listen to me, Stewart Griffin.
326
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,245
You march in
there right now and
327
00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:09,623
"insert your penis
into her vagina." Go!
328
00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:16,296
I'm sorry. That's...
329
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,382
That's never
happened to me before.
330
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:22,010
Which part? The eight seconds of sex
or the 40 minutes of crying?
331
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:23,720
Uh, I guess both.
332
00:13:25,264 --> 00:13:28,141
Do I... Do I give you
money or something?
333
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,561
Yeah, I'm gonna go.
334
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,233
Eight seconds! That's twice as good
as you did in rehearsal.
335
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,735
Stu, I heard from Juan
in Car Stereo Installation
336
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,404
about what you did
to Fran last night.
337
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,447
You know,
intra-office sex is prohibited,
338
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:45,993
regardless of how
hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was.
339
00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:47,327
(GASPS)
You're fired.
340
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:52,374
Oh, cheer up!
You didn't need that crappy job anyway.
341
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:53,792
You are not
allowed to speak.
342
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,335
You have ruined everything.
343
00:13:55,419 --> 00:13:57,796
Oh, nice, I donate my time
trying to fix your pathetic life
344
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,423
and this is the thanks I get?
345
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,925
Good Lord!
My apartment!
346
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,596
Looks like the cause
of the fire
347
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,306
were these stress-release
candles, sir.
348
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:09,725
Huh. Irony!
349
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:17,858
I don't know, Peter.
350
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,234
This place is
pretty depressing.
351
00:14:19,318 --> 00:14:21,320
What are you talking about?
It's just like old times.
352
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,571
Hey, Cleveland.
353
00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:28,368
(EXTREMELY SLOWLY)
Hello, Peter.
354
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:30,287
Hey, Joe,
how are things since the operation?
355
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,663
Oh, great, Peter.
356
00:14:31,747 --> 00:14:33,081
(CHUCKLES)
357
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:36,668
Who would've guessed
I'd be one of the few not in a wheelchair.
358
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:38,170
I sure do miss Bonnie,
though.
359
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,672
Well, it's amazing
they were able to give you her legs.
360
00:14:40,756 --> 00:14:44,635
Who wears short shorts?
I wear short shorts!
361
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,220
Hey, Glenn.
How's the arthritis?
362
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:47,554
Not bad.
363
00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:49,681
Of course, since you walked in,
I'm feeling a little stiff.
364
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:51,558
Giggity Gi...
Oh, I just pooped a little.
365
00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:56,271
(VERY SLOWLY)
Oh, that's nasty.
366
00:14:58,524 --> 00:14:59,691
Um...
367
00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:01,902
Hey, you know what I do
when I'm feeling down?
368
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:03,612
I play the Glad Game.
369
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,823
I think about all the things
that make me glad. Let's try it, shall we?
370
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:07,991
Um...
371
00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:10,661
Pinwheels.
372
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,580
A big wedge of cake
from the fair.
373
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:17,125
A doodad to wear
in your hat.
374
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:21,129
All right, I'm sorry.
It's all my fault.
375
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,631
(SIGHS)
No, it's my fault.
376
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:25,592
My whole life's been a mess
ever since that near-death experience.
377
00:15:25,676 --> 00:15:26,885
I mean,
nothing goes right...
378
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,136
Wait, wait, wait.
379
00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:29,763
Near-death experience?
380
00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:31,306
At the community pool?
381
00:15:31,390 --> 00:15:32,808
But... But that was nothing.
382
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,935
Well, that's what
I thought at first.
383
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,771
But around the time of my 20th birthday,
I started having nightmares.
384
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,523
And then my therapist
said I'd been suppressing
385
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,024
some very complex emotions
386
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,193
that may well have caused me
to take fewer risks.
387
00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:46,029
Well, then, it seems
there's only one thing to do.
388
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:49,199
I must return to the past
to ensure that I never have the close call
389
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:51,285
with that lifeguard tower
in the first place.
390
00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,037
Oh, I just thought
of another one for the Glad Game.
391
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,583
The first scissor cut
into a fresh piece of construction paper.
392
00:15:57,666 --> 00:15:59,501
Oh, yeah.
393
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,467
All right,
here's what we do.
394
00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:09,428
You buy me
one of those time-travel watches,
395
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:11,013
and I'll go back
to my own time
396
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:12,556
and stop that
near-death experience.
397
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,932
I can't afford one.
398
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,225
I don't have a job,
thanks to you.
399
00:16:15,309 --> 00:16:17,269
I say, how hard is it
to get a new job?
400
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:19,104
Even I had that job
at the airport.
401
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:23,650
Jonny Quest.
Okay, welcome aboard.
402
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,028
Dr. Benton Quest.
403
00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:27,696
All right,
have a good flight.
404
00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:29,907
Hadji!
405
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,825
Hmm. Uh...
406
00:16:31,909 --> 00:16:33,869
Listen, you've been randomly selected
for additional screening.
407
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:35,954
But you didn't even
type anything in.
408
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,165
Look, if it were up to me,
you'd be right there on that flight.
409
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,711
But I'm gonna need you to take off
your shoes and that lovely hat.
410
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:44,087
Sim, sim, salabim!
411
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,131
Yeah, I'd cut back on that.
412
00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:48,258
We'll have to
borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy.
413
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:50,385
(SCREAMS)
Never call them that again!
414
00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:52,179
It's Lois and the Fat Man,
do you hear me?
415
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,056
Yes, yes!
416
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,683
Smells like Head & Shoulders,
but you don't have dandruff.
417
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:57,893
Exactly!
418
00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,228
Ah!
419
00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:05,526
Oh, hey, you two.
What brings you here?
420
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:07,653
Lois, Pablo here
needs your help.
421
00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:09,696
Stu, can we drop
the whole Pablo thing?
422
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:11,907
Do you think
I don't remember my own little Stewie?
423
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:14,535
You clever, clever shrew.
424
00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:16,954
Stu, you could get in
a lot of trouble for this.
425
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,039
You need to take him
back to his own time.
426
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,832
Well, that's why we're here.
427
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:22,626
I need a loan.
Done.
428
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,295
This is a secret account
Peter can't access.
429
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:27,005
I never could
trust him with money.
430
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,757
Like the time
he spent Meg's college money
431
00:17:28,841 --> 00:17:30,467
on that medieval catapult.
432
00:17:31,385 --> 00:17:33,428
(PETER LAUGHING)
433
00:17:33,512 --> 00:17:36,682
Excellent, these dominos are set up
exactly as I want them,
434
00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:38,267
right next to
the good china.
435
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,644
Now, I'll just place
this priceless Faberge egg
436
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,814
in the center, right next to
my newborn hemophiliac baby.
437
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:44,898
(THUD)
438
00:17:44,982 --> 00:17:46,608
Hey, those yours?
Yes.
439
00:17:46,692 --> 00:17:49,152
Oh. Those are all
really nice things.
440
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,404
Thank you!
441
00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:51,572
You hear that, Evan?
442
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:52,823
We were complimented.
443
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:58,453
Well, I suppose this is it.
444
00:17:58,537 --> 00:17:59,872
Wow!
445
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,707
You know, it just hit me
that if you are successful
446
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,959
in preventing our
near-death experience,
447
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,211
it'll turn me into
an entirely different Stu.
448
00:18:06,295 --> 00:18:07,713
Then you know
what you should do?
449
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,590
Since the timeline
is gonna change anyway,
450
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:11,216
you should get really fat.
451
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:13,468
Like, just go buy
a whole pint of ice cream
452
00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:15,679
and shovel down
the whole thing.
453
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,222
I mean, just really pig out.
454
00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:18,765
Ooh, that's brilliant.
455
00:18:18,849 --> 00:18:21,560
Hey, and if the city
thinks I'm paying this parking ticket,
456
00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,395
they are dreaming.
457
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,607
(BOTH LAUGHING)
458
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:29,234
No, I'm not really gonna do it.
You know, just in case.
459
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:31,820
Goodbye, Stewie.
460
00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:33,197
So long, Stu.
461
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:39,161
Damn! I overshot it.
462
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:42,456
"1974, University of Denver."
463
00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:44,791
I say,
Condoleezza Rice goes here.
464
00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:50,464
Damn, I am never gonna
let the Man get me down, crazy crackers!
465
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:53,133
Black Panthers,
stand tall!
466
00:19:01,225 --> 00:19:03,644
Blast!
This isn't the pool either.
467
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:07,648
But at least I've arrived
on the correct date.
468
00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:10,317
But there are only 30 minutes
before the tower falls.
469
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:16,406
Damn, I've gotta
get to that swim meet.
470
00:19:28,377 --> 00:19:29,878
Hi, Stewie Griffin.
471
00:19:29,962 --> 00:19:31,964
Stewie Griffin,
hi, how are you?
472
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:38,387
Smells good.
Dinner's ready.
473
00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:12,713
(PANTING)
474
00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:14,590
Probably shouldn't
have milked that landing.
475
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:29,104
Don't press that,
476
00:20:29,188 --> 00:20:32,024
future 35-year-old virgin.
477
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,444
Fran! Fran!
478
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:36,528
Fran...
479
00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:37,613
What the devil?
480
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:40,282
Yes, I did it!
481
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:41,700
I stopped the tower
from falling!
482
00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:43,660
Who are you?
I'm you from the future.
483
00:20:43,744 --> 00:20:45,162
From the future?
484
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:48,207
My word. Did they ever find
a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne?
485
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,501
Oh, that's so funny.
I asked that very same question
486
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:51,835
and never got
an answer.
487
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,046
Well, then, you're as
disposable as she is!
488
00:20:54,129 --> 00:20:56,215
Oh, come on,
my little champion.
489
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:59,635
Oh, my God, at least have the decency
to carry me, you lazy skank.
490
00:20:59,718 --> 00:21:00,886
Of course,
it is comfortable.
491
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:02,721
(SNORING)
492
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:05,766
Hey, thanks again
for explaining football to me, mister.
493
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,851
I'm sorry,
I didn't get your name.
494
00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:09,061
You can call me Ron.
495
00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:10,437
Ron, huh?
496
00:21:10,521 --> 00:21:13,398
You know,
I've always really liked that name.
497
00:21:13,482 --> 00:21:14,608
Ron.
36736
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